ZOMBIE THREAD ALERT: This thread hasn't been posted on for a while.
"oh you will change your mind"(28 Posts)
Background:my DD is only 12 weeks old so I know most parents of one so young don't even entertain the idea of a second yet.
Even before I was pregnant (and don't flame me too much for this comment) I'd always said I want a little girl and if I'm blessed with one I'll be happy to have just the one child. We kept the sex a surprise and when DH told me we had a girl I was over joyed.
I'm still of the thought I only want the one. I love her more then I thought I could ever love anyone (sorry DH but it's a different type of love) and we could give this little girl everything - but not spoilt.
Everyone says to me "oh you say that now but just you wait" or "you'll change your mind after a while" but I just don't see it happening. Why can't people accept that I only want her? I've said it since before I was even pregnant so why should I change my mind?!
Why do people seem to think you should want more then one? What's so wrong with having just one child?
Ok, rant over. Sorry!
IME, people come out with all sorts of inane statements about being a parent. You just have to find a phrase that you trot out then change the subject quickly
I only had one, a boy.(he's a man now, but still my boy)
Never felt the inclination to have another, no gory birth stories, he was a good baby, slept through etc, nothing to put me off having another, I just didn't want one, and to honest, it's not really anybody else's business how many children you decide to have, is it!
People seem to be obsessed with the idea that everyone must want multiple children. They don't get it that maybe one is quite enough, for a myriad of reasons.
DH and I will be having one child because (1) we can afford one and (2) I've had 2 MCs prior to this pregnancy and barring an 'accident' my mental health is unlikely to survive a further pregnancy. However, we can't exactly explan reason (2) to most people, so just get looks when we state there will not be a sibling.
I also hate it when people suggest that it would be cruel "not to give them a brother or sister". No - torture is cruel, abuse is cruel, not having a sibling is fairly normal.
You may find though that it becomes less about what you want and more about what she wants. You may find that you start to feel that she would benefit from having a sibling. That is perhaps what people are saying. But ultimately of course it is your choice as a family.
Incidentally, what does your DH think?
I think its a strange thing to say in the society we live in that we're happy with one. TBH I always thought I would have two or three - and then I had DS. I'm now almost entirely convinced I will never have another baby (a lot of things would need to be in place for me to even consider the idea!).
Try not to let it bug you - if you're happy, be happy. Sod everyone else
It's just one of the very very many stupid things people say and it's best to ignore it.
Of course you might change your mind and equally you might not and if you did only want one then that's absolutely fine.
fwiw my DD is 2 and we have no intention of having another either.
It's unbelievable how judge-y, rude & inappropriate people can be with their 'why are you only having one' comments. They need to mind their own business and learn some manners.
Yes, heard that remark many times. And I always have to say: 'no, honestly, I am happy with just one'. Other person will look at me with this look, which makes me have to say it again..... Annoying.
I just turn it on them and ask when they're having another, and if not, why not. This works surprisingly well surprisingly often.
People feel confronted, like they didn't know it was an option to stop reproducing after the first child.
I'm pleased to say I have no hesitation that I don't ever want to raise another baby. I don't want pregnancy, birth, newborns - any of it. I'm happy with the one I have. I remember telling my husband when I was pregnant, that 1 would be enough for me. And I was right.
Gimme I could have written that!
I had a horrible birth with my DD having health issues and a stay in NICU so when I say we have done with one I keep getting people tell me I will get over the experience. Yes they are correct I will be we really only want one.
I am an only of an only so it sits well with me and I love it just the way it is.
What a relief to read posts from some like-minded people
Our ds is 9 now, but the comments about "us changing our minds" used to drive me crazy. Before ds, we wanted two or three, after ds we decided that one is quite enough! Completely love him to bits now but dh and I both found it so much harder than we expected. Sadly, none of our reasons for stopping at one are "socially acceptable" - dh has had the snip and I am convinced that the pressure of another would at best lead to us divorcing, at worst I had pnd and doubt my ability to survive it again (and yes, I know I would not be guaranteed to get it again...)
Dd is 6 months and even our postman keeps asking when we will be having another. When I had my coil fitted recently the Dr reminded me that it would last for 5 years and then said 'what a long time for your dd to wait for a brother or sister'. I told her that it wasn't long enough as far as I was concerned.
Also it drives me nuts when people talk about how sad it is for a child not to have a sibling as if all families got on fabulously and were the best of friends. If I had a quid for ever person I know who spent their childhood hating their sibling I would Have enough to buy dd a puppy to play with instead.
I have had dozens of complete randoms asking when's the next and when I say there won't be a next. I think I attract them.
The cruelty question is horrible, as if I would ever do anything cruel to my child!
My family and life are comete now I have one and wouldn't want to change a thing.
Also, as Forrest says you never know what you are going to get!
My MIL is always saying that one day I will wake up and think I want another child. All I think about when I wake up is crumpets with butter and a cup of tea so yet again she's wrong! If people minded their own business we wouldn't have half the problems we have in the world but it's never going to happen!
People think you MUST want what THEY want. If you don't want the same things it seems to be seen as denigrating their own choices. See also: bf/ff, co-sleeping/own room, weaning age, school type, pram/sling...... You can't win. If you had more children it wouldn't stop - you'd be told you would want yet more, or you should have stopped at one!
I've no idea why people feel the need to comment. 1 works for us, financially, house wise, car wise, it all just works so why change that?
One works for us.
If I'm feeling that way minded I tell people I've stuck with the one husband too.
One works in our house too. IVF, kidney disease and other hereditary potentially life altering conditions don't seem to put people off assuming they know what we want to do better than we do.
I love DD so much it hurts. I can't imagine why Id need a 2nd child -- DD is everything I could've wished for.
I have a 15 months old little boy and have no interest in having anymore children. I have a 2 year old sister and my mum is expecting again in February so my son can grow up with my little siblings rather than having anymore. People keep telling me that I will change my mind, but I can't see that happening. My fiancé and I are ok with just having one boy and want to give him the world but some people think its odd!
I find a simple 'nope' followed by a and repeated as necessary works. I've been known to say it about 10 times in a row when presented with all the various 'reasons' to have another child. It can be quite funny after a while...
It's bizarre that people are asking after 12wks! I have a dd 2.8 and get a few questions but mostly from other parents with similar aged kids who have just had another and have a wild-eyed look about them (as if to say, please have another- it's so hard but at least I'll have company!)
I am still undecided but as said up post, it's becoming more about what dd would like the older she gets eg. She asked for ababy brother for Christmas. Rightly or wrongly that does make you think well, why not?
I get the same too. No desire for another child - we couldn't love her more, but she is enough for us. Yet so many otherwise intelligent, understanding people we know react as if this is freakish. I think you just know when your family is complete, and its different for everyone.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.