what's wrong with "only having 1" ?

(122 Posts)
pixiewitch Tue 28-Feb-12 13:52:00

does/has anyone else have these kind of responses when you tell people you are sticking with having 1 child?

" oh don't worry , you'll change your mind " (with a half smile on thier face)
OR
" not to worry, it'll happen ",
OR
" uh "
OR
" what for / why would you do that to dc ?"
OR
a totally blank face

I'm confused as I'm not worried at all. My partner & I have very clear reasons for this which we are very happy about.

I just don't quite understand why people think they have to take it upon themselves to try and change our minds about it & that somehow were doing something wrong by just having 1 ?

Any thoughts / support from anyone else who is happy with their decission to only have 1 & has suffered this?

Pix

CMOTDibbler Tue 28-Feb-12 13:54:49

Yup, have had all of those, including from MIL (dh went totally postal on her for that).

I have a variety of responses, from a quick distract to atomic bomb depending on how persistent people are

dancingonthinice Tue 28-Feb-12 13:58:05

If you have very ggod reasons, ie you really can't afford it, health, infertility etc then fine.

Otherwise, it is unfair on the lonley only, sorry, sad Dh is an only and always wanted sibs.

CMOTDibbler Tue 28-Feb-12 14:10:57

Oh cheers dancing, lets perpetuate the myth of the lonely only shall we ? I have a sibling, and can't stand him, so should I say that having more than one child is wrong ?

dancingonthinice Tue 28-Feb-12 14:12:01

Its not a myth though. sad You are trying to believe it because you don't want it to be true. What a shame.

NotYetEverything Tue 28-Feb-12 14:14:38

This is a good reason for me Population matters

CMOT I agree, siblings is no guarantee against loneliness - in many cases it can make it worse.

thinice And if you can afford 2, why not 3? If 3, why not 4? I don't understand all the one-child family bashing.

NotYetEverything Tue 28-Feb-12 14:15:24

All the evidence I have seen suggests it is a myth. What studies are you referring to?

dancingonthinice Tue 28-Feb-12 14:16:00

Exactly thats why i'm trying for number 4. grin No only child bashing here. just don't make out an only isn't lonley.

dancingonthinice Tue 28-Feb-12 14:16:57

Are you talking to me what yet? Studies. <sniggers> Have you only got one? I don't have time for studies.

NotYetEverything Tue 28-Feb-12 14:17:07
pixiewitch Tue 28-Feb-12 14:17:40

why is it unfair?

You are entitled to believe that, but why should I ?

why should it depend on my finances, health or fertility?

plenty of 1's are not lonely ! & plenty of dc don't get on with siblings

dancingonthinice Tue 28-Feb-12 14:17:54

Must be true if the mag says so. hmm

NotYetEverything Tue 28-Feb-12 14:18:25

How will you have time for number 4 if you already don't have time to read thinice?

pixiewitch Tue 28-Feb-12 14:19:23

the same could be siad for having more than 1 is selfish & dc's dont get enough of your time ! ! ! ! I don't actually belive that, but it's the other side of the coin !

NotYetEverything Tue 28-Feb-12 14:19:39

Copied and pasted for those who don't have time to read a long, in-depth, researched, scientifically based article.

"No one has done more to disprove Hall's stereotype than Toni Falbo, a professor of educational psychology and sociology at the University of Texas at Austin. An only child herself and the mother of one, Falbo began investigating the only-child experience in the 1970s, both in the U.S. and in China (where the government's one-child policy, the world's biggest experiment in population control, went into effect in 1979), drawing on the experience of tens of thousands of subjects. Twenty-five years ago, she and colleague Denise Polit conducted a meta-analysis of 115 studies of only children from 1925 onward that considered developmental outcomes of adjustment, character, sociability, achievement and intelligence. The studies, mainly from the U.S., cut across class and race.

Generally, those studies showed that singletons aren't measurably different from other kids — except that they, along with firstborns and people who have only one sibling, score higher in measures of intelligence and achievement. No one, Falbo says, has published research that can demonstrate any truth behind the stereotype of the only child as lonely, selfish and maladjusted. (She has spoken those three words so many times in the past 35 years that they run together as one: lonelyselfishmaladjusted.) Falbo and Polit later completed a second quantitative review of more than 200 personality studies. By and large, they found that the personalities of only children were indistinguishable from their peers with siblings.

Read more: www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,2002530,00.html#ixzz1ngbh3N6V"

fishie Tue 28-Feb-12 14:21:54

you're well named dancingonthinice. This is a very emotive subject and posting sad faces and saying things like 'lonely only' all over the place won't make you many friends.

pixiewitch Tue 28-Feb-12 14:22:19

I was interested in why people think they have to:

change the mind of the parent who has decided to stick with 1
&
that there is somehow something wrong with sticking to 1? when there isn't?

flywiththecrows Tue 28-Feb-12 14:22:20

is this really an issue?

dd is our only child and we're not planning anymore. for no other reason than we do not want any more children.

In fact I never thought I'd have to justify it to anyone.

imnotmymum Tue 28-Feb-12 14:22:32

because it hard work with one I am led to believe from my only oner friends you have to play with them and not fob them off with bros and sis

pixiewitch Tue 28-Feb-12 14:24:46

flywiththecrows,

I only posted as it was never an issue for my dp & I until we started telling people or they asked & I got some very odd responses & I thought I might get some understanding/support from mumset posters about their experiences

pix

flywiththecrows Tue 28-Feb-12 14:29:32

pixie, sorry I was not having a go at you.

It is shocking to me that people would give that response to you, maybe they've did it in response to me and I've just not noticed.

Either way, you should feel confident about sticking to your decision. Don't let anyone make you feel guilty for your choices. and if they do, tell me and I'll give them a punch on the nose grin

And as an aside, I was 2nd born. And I am fully aware that I was 'planned' just to keep my older brother company. Way to make someone feel loved, hey? hmm

WitchOfEndor Tue 28-Feb-12 14:29:35

I've already had this from my mum and aunt. Apparently I am being mean to DS by not producing a sibling for him. Never mind that my 5 years older brother made my younger years a misery, or that my aunt and uncle had an earlier child adopted and uncle played around too, so my cousin has a full sibling and a half sibling that he knows nothing about ( and he is 28 do they should have told him by now). Of course I can't say this to them, they would be offended or in denial. Doesn't stop them giving their unwanted opinions though!

Dinosaurhunter Tue 28-Feb-12 14:33:06

I only have 1 ds age 5 and don't plan anymore , where my son goes to school it seems to be quite common to have a only and I also have 2 good friends with onlys . I dont get where this myth comes from about having to constantly entertain only children , if anything my son is fab playing on his own ( I forget Ive got him sometimes) and is a lovely caring little boy bu the comment I hate is ' oh you would never know his a only child' wtf ?

imnotmymum Tue 28-Feb-12 14:35:18

It must be people I know who say I cannot get anything done as have to play entertain her you so lucky ... just an excuse to have an untidy house then !!

pixiewitch Tue 28-Feb-12 14:36:49

thanks flywiththecrows - it's hard on here to get the tone of post right - i didn't think you were having a go at all ! sorry if i sounded like that .smile

i was shocked at people's reactions - happilly dp & I are very happy with our decision.

wichofendor - your situation sounds horrid - what do you say to them? out of interest? or is it better just to not say anything?

I was trying to understand why people give their opinions - but perhaps it's better just to get on with my life & not bother when people say daft stuff !?

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