growing up, mixed feelings.

[delilahdarling]

Hi
I have posted before on this topic, possibly under a different name, but received lovely advice. Recently, I have been having sad thoughts about the fact we have an only (just a toddler at the mo). I also know how lucky we are to have her (it nearly wasn't the case) and she really is a very special little girl and I want to relax and just enjoy her.

Back ground: DH has older children, and we went into our relationship knowing we wanted to have one together. DH thought at the time that he would only want one more, and I believed that I would be happy with one. DH is a wonderful dad to his children and he has a fierce love for them but he also doesn't find children generally 'easy' to be with with and his stress levels rise quite quickly.

It took us along time to concieve and we had a horribly traumatic very premature birth with both mine and baby's health at risk. We had months in Special care and are just incredibly lucky to have a healthy daughter- even her consultant is amazed she has no difficulties. We have been told it is likely to happen again if we had more children. That pretty much answered any lingering questions of whether we should have more that one. DH has adamantly said he could not cope with going through the same thing again with the possibility that the outcome may be poor. I know in my heart that dh would find it too hard, that I wouldn't cope either, and that health risks aside, having another would change the wonderful family dynamic we have a the moment as DH doesn't actually want another, BUT...

I continually 'count-down' in my head how many years of child-hood DD has left, until she possibly leaves home. I feel jealous of those with more than one - particularly those who have babies or who are pregnant. I worry how I will feel when my younger siblings begin their families.
Every now and then the thought of adoption or even surrogacy has crossed my mind- because in the last year, both these events have occured within my extended family. But while I have the greatest respect for anyone who goes down this path, I know it wouldn't be what my DH wanted and would put pressure on us. I put a lot of value on our relationship and his feelings about children- I have seen a marriage fall apart after the husband grudgingly agreed to have another child.

I realise this may all sound ungrateful- I don't mean to be. I love my daughter and I am just glad that she is growing up healthy and strong. Others are not so fortunate. But I have no one else to really share this with and just writing it down is helpful. If anyone has felt the same, or has any words of wisdom to get me over this wobble I would be grateful.

[ComeIntoTheGardenMaud]

I can relate to a lot of what you say. We went through a lot to have our child and although in theory we could have gone through it all again in the hope of having a second child, It didn't feel like the right thing to do for us. I wanted to get on with enjoying the life we had instead of trying (maybe without success) to create a different life, but I did have the occasional wobble, especially when friends with children the same age started having second babies - one of my NCT friends now has five children.

I think it's OK to wobble. Very few decisions we make in life are simple or clear-cut and it's natural to wonder 'what if', but your description of your circumstances suggests very strongly to me that you have made a careful and sensible decision, especially as another pregnancy and birth might put your health at risk. If your dh feels he has enough children then surrogacy and adoption aren't likely to be the answer, either. As I said, I think it's fine to have an occasional peep on the other side of the fence, but you need to remember how green the grass is on this side too.

There's a tea room on this topic where we often mull over questions like this. Come and have a cuppa and a chat some time.

[fedupandfifty]

Hello Delilah. You don't mention how old you are and by the sound of it you are still young enough to conceive. I can understand your wobble if this is the case, as you can see the clock ticking by. I also took years to conceive and did finally at the grand old age of 41. My DD was also very premature and left hospital at 5lb with a clean bill of health. I feel so lucky and so grateful (sorry if that sounds cheesy) to have her that I have never considered another. I had a very full life, a full-on career before having her and consider myself lucky not to have left it too late. I have regrets, but they are more to do with her than me. For example, she has no grandparents as they have all passed on, and very little close family. Sometimes she struggles for company and it really bothers me when she is left on her own when other kids seem to have others to play with. I have accepted that this is the choice I have made. On the plus side, however, she has the undivided attention of myself and DP and does not have to compete with others in the family. You have a lovely family already - surrogacy and adoption are extreme ways of adding to it, especially if your DH is not keen. Have you considered fostering as an alternative?

[delilahdarling]

Thanks for your replies. Comeintothegarden, I think you are right about timing. A lot of friends and aquaintances have either just had their second or are about to and it all coincides with my DD coming out of the baby phase and seeming more grown up...I just need to find a way to deal with the 'wobbles' and deep down I know that for many reasons, a second child together would not work. We are so lucky- I don't ever forget that. That is one side-effect of spending time in a special care baby unit- we saw so many babies with so many issues- both major and minor problems, that I do truely appreciate how precarious pregnancy and birth can be.
Fedup: yes, I am still young enough to concieve and this does make a difference I think. It sounds like you have been through a lot to have your DD too. Honestly, I know that adoption and surrogacy are not for us- I would adopt if It were only up to me- but would not work for us as a couple.
I hadn't considered fostering, but like adoption, I guess it would only be successful if both Dp and I could totally embrace it.
I am very much enjoying 'Mummy Day' though. as DD calls it!