Sad about only 1 child

[Sarmar]

Hi,

Im new here so hope no-one minds if I ask for a little advice/support from people who may have been through similar!

Im 37 with a 3 year old.

Will start by saying that Im so happy (well most of the time lol) and priveliged to have him.

Ive got to the point where Im really feeling the urge for another child (or admitting the fact I want one to myself)

Before I had my little one I had quite a bit of trouble concieving with miscarriages along the way. I have Type 1 Diabetes and although I had a great pregnancy last time I know the dangers and Im older etc etc.

BUT, do I accept and be hapy with what ie got knowing Im lucky or do I take the chance? Can I cope with the chance of miscarriage?

Obviously anyone cant make decsions for us but just like advice/opinions.

Thanks for listening.

[pastadoble]

Hello Sarmar - can't really help as I have an only by choice (DD aged 6) but didn't want your post to go unanswered; it can be a bit slow on this topic as most of the regulars frequent the tearoom. You might want to pop in there and introduce yourself. Otherwise I'm sure someone who will be more useful than me will post soonish

[gibba8]

Hi Sarmar
As you say no one can make the decision for you but if it were me I would take the chance and go for it - especially seeing as you are feeling the urge for another.
Sadly no chance for me at he age of 43 (but so blessed to have 1 DD aged 6)
Would of loved more children and if there had been the tiniest chance then I would of tried. :)
I am not of much use to you either. :)

[DuplicitousBitch]

i could only have one and it is really hard esp. now dd is 6 really wants a sibling. go for it.

[CMOTdibbler]

Its very hard to make that sort of decision - I had multiple miscarriages before ds, and I haven't found that any urge to have another child has been stronger than the memory of all that, and my reluctance to go near it again, esp with ds to think about.

What does your dp/dh think ?

[TheFoosa]

have you thought about adoption?

[Sarmar]

Thanks everyone. Nice to get opinions.

DP thinks we are lucky to have our son and worries abt miscarriages etc but would like another!

Just nice to talk about things. Will def go and introduce myself in tearoom. Im not normally so miserable lol. Just one of those days.

Sar

[LaVieEnTechnicolor]

Hello. I can't really offer an opinion. Not because I'm too busy in the tea room but because my situation is so different from yours - all our problems were about achieving a pregnancy rather than losing them and I don't have other underlying health problems to factor in. That said, once we had dd we felt we had been incredibly lucky and weren't going to go in search of more treatment/babies. I hope you can reach a decision you're comfortable with.

And may I just say that the tea room isn't some sort of regulars-only enclave. Everyone is welcome there and we're always very keen to see new faces. Come on in.

[Misfitless]

Hi Sarmar.
Perhaps you need to consider the pros and cons of TTC (trying to concieve).

Could you and DP cope with another miscarriage, GOD FORBID?

Do you think that you will always be sad about having an only, or given time will this be less of a cause for sadness?

How would you feel if you were successful in TTC and found that the child was disabled?

If it was me I think I would assume that any succcessful pregnancy would not go to plan, then try to realistically predict how you and your DP would cope with each of those scenarios.

Also, with each scenario, how would your DP cope with your reaction and vice versa?

Eg - if you think that another miscarriage might result in depression, how does your DP think he will cope with that? What effect would this have on your relationship and your DC?

If any conception resulted in a disabled child would you both feel the same way about that child?


Having considered all the above, it should make the decision easier,

Good luck, hope this has helped - it's really difficult.

[moodymama]

Hi

I always planned to have 2/3 kids but after 4 years trying for number 1 and the realisation that number wasn't likely to be forthcoming we decided to knock it on the head and stick with 1. I felt wobbly about it for a couple of years but can honestly say that I feel it's the best decision that has ever been forced upon me!
My dd is now in reception, I have loads of time for her, we do homework together (friends can't as they have toddlers to take care of too), I can sign her up for whatever classes she would like to do (swimming, drama, singing and dancing!) without having to worry that we couldn't afford to do this for 2 children. We have kids over to play at least 3 times a week which is no problem at all.
It is, frankly, a huge delight having just her. The energy I have for her, and for myself is great. When she goes for a sleepover or to a friend I have time to myself!
Give yourself time and think about it.

MM

[GenevieveHawkings]

I think that you should always go with your gut feeling. If you want another child, then go for it. If it's meant to be it will happen.

I think if you feel like you know deep down you want another one then that's an itch you have to scratch.

In my opinion it's much more likely to be the case that you definitely know you don't want another one.

If a person is undecided on it I think that it's far more likely they'll end up having another than not having another.

When people want one and then end up not having one I think it's more about factors beyond thier control, like recurrant miscarriage or the fact that they had a really bad pregnancy which ended up nearly killing them or something, than them just deciding one day that they don't really want one at all after all.

People who are a bit undecided on it always seem to end up trying for another in the end at least. Whether they actually end up with another one is another matter though.

[pat42]

If you are undecided then its safer to go for it because once the time gets out of your hands, the regrets are too painful to live with (personal experience). You will be surprized by how your feelings can change from being undecided to a constant nagging thought of OMG what was I thinking. This nagging thought only comes after your child is a little older ( 9/10 yrs), you are past your fertility date of expiry and not much can be done about it.

[pat42]

Of Course you should consult your doctor about the risks related to type i diabetes etc. first.

[Pollywatts]

Hi Sarmar,

I too am 37, my ds is 4 and a half, due to go to school in Sept. My dh and I have been TTC since Aug last year with no success. I wasn't overly keen to have another but the longer we have been trying the more I want it to happen. I have other medical issues (arthritis) which may be interfering with my conceiving, and I am going for scans this week to see if there are any physical reasons why its not happening.

I can sympathise entirely with you, and I hope you make the right decision for you and your family. All I know is that I won't be distraught if we don't have another child, because we gave it our best shot...

[UnSerpentQuiCourt]

I have one 4 year old dd and had 3 miscarriages (not many by some standards). We did try again and luckily the miscarriage was very early. I decided that the risk of a later miscarriage or a premature baby dying was something that I couldn't cope with - I remembered every single day of my one successful pregnancy spent in terror of losing it. I was terribly unhappy for two years ....
...and now really enjoy life. I look at my friends with 4-year olds and toddlers, endlessly refereeing the squabbles, rushing from child to child with little time for the older one, and feel that we benefit all round. Friends are happy to send their older child to play several times a week, and we are happy to see them go home.
I don't know whether I will always feel this way (the Point of No Return is definitely past for me), but .. so far, so very good.

[huffythethreadslayer]

I am now 45 and my dd is 10. I had three mcs before her, 1 after. I felt like I gave it my best shot. I tried my best to have the family I wanted, but it just wasn't to be...so I ended up with an only child.

I still wish I could have more children, but clearly I'm past it now :)

I am, however, happy that my girl arrived and that I at least had one child, and I do feel that I gave it my all before I gave up. For me it was very important that I tried and tried before I gave up.

Having said that, if dd had not arrived, I was planning on giving in as it comes to a point where the misery outweighs any potential benefits. That's my experience anyway...

[Hardandsleazy]

Sarmar can sympathise - I had 3 mc and a tx due to severe abnormalities before dd (now 2) - took nearly a year to conceive then another mc. Lots of tests but nothing conclusive so we are knocking it on head after this year (and am not sure will even try again if another mc as every time it happens it takes something away ).

That said my sadness/frustration is being balanced out and even outweighed by the joy and enjoyment I get from dd and fact we do enjoy her (i have much older dsc so dh does understand more than
Me on issues of more than one).

Just wanted to share and say you aren't alone in feeling conflicted.

[Donki]

The Young Donk (now 8) used to say that he wanted a baby brother or sister - and I found it really upsetting and difficult. (My 'shelf life' expired whilst still BFing DS...)

The last couple of days, he has been quite thoughtfully weighing up the pros and cons of being an only (no idea why - he just started talking about it in the car) and came down very definitely on the side of not having siblings, because he has more room, more time with parents and can still have his friends round to play.... and his sibling can't fight/argue with him, nick his toys, want something else on TV etc.

He loves seeing my godson (an elder 'brother' he can give back) and my god daughter (a baby sister that he can enjoy, but again can give back) if you see what I mean.

I don't know if that is any help...

[oxeye]

Hi Sarmar
I think it is an impossible question to answer, but of course you are looking for views to help yours

Assuming the risk to your health was manageable I think you have to weigh the emotion - the agony of trying to conceive the pain of potential m/c the worry while pregnant and all the related obsessive behaviour vs the joy of achieving a baby - and of course that baby becoming a child and all the attendant issues that go with another child
sometimes I think one focusses on the trying to conceive/ carry a child/ give birth and not the person they become...

good luck either way