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Got questions about only having one child? Find the answers here.

One-child families

Mother in law problems

20 replies

161070harris · 21/09/2010 15:50

I split from my partner in Feb 2010. I live with my 8 year old son in a new house. In February when we was still together my husband put a gun to his head (in front of our son) he said stay with me or i'll pull the trigger. My son froze and I hugged him while i tried to call the police. The police arrested my ex. I rang his parents, and asked for help, they took him in and he has been living there ever since. I've never stopped my son from seeing his father but he does not turn up always when he should but thats another story... My ex brought my son home the other night and my son out of the blue said - i'm going on holiday with nanny and grandad!!! I said are you?? and my ex said yes my mum has booked a holiday for next year for me and Jamie and all our family.. I said but he hasnt got a passport and my ex said well you better get one sorted... What do I do?? do i allow him to go on holiday with them... do i make an issue out of this because they have just done this behind my back, how do i approach the situation?? I have been to the C.A.B and they my son can't be taken out of the country before his 10th birthday because his grandparents do not have residential rights... I do not know what to do???

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titchy · 21/09/2010 16:08

Don't let him go. Simples. If they do't like it tell them to take it to court.

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161070harris · 21/09/2010 16:34

I went to see a solicitor this morning and they said i should try and talk to my mother in law and ask her to pay for his passport otherwise say that you can take me to court and it will cost them more then what the holiday is worth... but they have been playing mind games with my son and he is really happy that he is going on holiday and i will look as though i am the bad parent.

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Portofino · 21/09/2010 16:36

Umm alarm bells would ring if they don't have residential rights in the UK - is that what you mean?

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kreecherlivesupstairs · 28/09/2010 11:43

Portofino has hit the nail on the head. Is her supposition correct? I would be very wary personally.

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DuelingFanjo · 28/09/2010 11:49

I would get the passport yourself, that way you have it with you and he won't be able to leave the country without it.

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PfftTheMagicDragon · 28/09/2010 13:37

I would call the passport office, or whoever is the appropriate person and make sure someone knows that you are concerned that someone else may try to get a passport for your son.

I would be clear with them that he will not be going on holiday with them.

I don't want to scare you, I don't get joy out of scaremongering...but after what your husband did....this sounds like the lead up to a news story where we find out a man killed his child to get back at his wife for leaving him. What sort of man does what he did in front of a child?

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161070harris · 05/10/2010 14:44

Residential rights in my case mean my son lives with me at my address in the UK so i have residential rights. So if my husband and mother in law want to take him on holiday they can't as my son does not live with them. They need permission from me to allow him out of the UK to go on holiday. My x husband is a uk citizen and so is my mother-in law.

I'm worried if i book a holiday after their holiday that they won't give back his passport.

PfftTheMagicDragon - yes there is that concern but i have that concern every day of the week. I don't allow him to have my son without supervision. This holiday he is going with 8 other adults and one other child.

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Appletrees · 05/10/2010 14:46

Don't let him go. Book a better holiday to cheer him up. Book Disneyland at the same time. But don't let him go.

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ajandjjmum · 05/10/2010 14:56

Hadn't you already booked a holiday that overlaps?

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MelinaM · 31/10/2010 00:58

^Yes, very good idea indeed! I definitely wouldn't let him go, better safe than sorry I say! x

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dinosaurinmybelly · 31/10/2010 01:10

Very good idea ajandjjmum ! Get the passport and keep it with you. I wouldn't let them take him on holiday especially as they didn't consult with you first.

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maktaitai · 31/10/2010 01:12

What about if they took him on holiday to somewhere in the UK?

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grannieonabike · 31/10/2010 01:17

I think it's important for you to keep your nerve, so that you can think clearly. You've already been to a solicitor, and you know the law.

You have to be careful, imo, not to escalate hostilities by refusing permission - especially as your ex-husband's family might see you as being unreasonable or using your power to get back at him. And it would be better for you to have them on your side, or at least sympathetic towards you, because you need them to keep an eye on your son when he is with your ex.

Does your ex-husband's family know about the gun incident?

You need to weigh up very carefully whether or not you think your son would be in more danger going abroad with your ex than he is when he sees him here. If not, maybe you could co-operate and let them take him. But if there is anyone who is also going who you can talk to, I would try to explain your concerns to them - or even write them down.

There are organisations that advise people on what to do when their ex takes their child abroad. And you can have him made a ward of court.

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grannieonabike · 31/10/2010 01:18

I am really sorry for you, btw. It's a truly horrible situation for you and your son.

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grannieonabike · 31/10/2010 01:21

Why have you called this thread mother-in-law problems, btw? Do you think she has instigated this for a bad reason? Or is it just because he wouldn't have done it without her?

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gingerjam · 27/12/2010 14:29

Don't let him do on the holiday. Never send a child away with people who you have problems with. Your ex sounds like he has real problems. They should have asked you before booking anything. Children get kidnapped by their families all the time and that is why you cannot take a child out of the country minus parents easily anymore. Do not buy a passport and don't let the son go. I think it sounds suspicious. Anyone would ask a mother before booking a holiday and if they didn't I would wonder why not especially given the situation.

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momcop · 19/02/2011 15:49

I think the underhandedness,and omitting you in their decisions is definately disrespectful and not right as far as sensible goes.

I would definately NOT allow my child to go. I wouldn't trust with all the info given here, and there is so much you haven't told us.

You must be strong, for your child to have faith,trust and respect in you as mum, no one should try to take your place. You must be strong and stadfast for YOU. You are MOM.You say what goes, how and when with your child.

Is there a reprt to say your ex has fully recovered to be able to make even such as a 'request' for your son to go on holiday without you - WHY are they not inviting you?

Don't let anyone else decide what's for your child.

Stick with the legal advice, as often as you can, with as many concerns that you have.
Take as many precautions as you can that they cannot do such things behind your back; keep sons passport,report a fears and worries to passport agencies/border police,AND DEFINATELY DO NOT let them take him go on holiday without you.It's out of the question and totally unreasonable with the circs.

I think you have very good cause for concern and you should stick to your mum instincts. Don't let them try to walk over you.

You can tell them straight and politely,"I understand you want to take my son on holiday,but I think it's unreasonable in the circumstances especially as I am not invited (or can afford to go)..." TAKE A NEUTRAL friend who is willing to act/listen as witness in court. And when you get chance, write what happened down.IE who,where,when,how,what.How it made you feel and how you feel they responded.

STAY STRONG.SAY NO. your child will be obviously upset with you for a short term, but better keep him with you that something undesirable happens. Your child will understand, and you must try to explain well and truthfully.Tell him you are concerned for his safety and it's only right that you stay with mum at this time,there's plenty of time for holidays when he's older, just not now.

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takemeasiam · 05/04/2011 19:14

Defo dont let him go out of the country. Can you imagine the scenario, if there is some kind of emergency.

Do you have a passport and cash to fly out to wherever on a whim.

I would agree to this country, but no-where else simple :)

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AgentSecrete · 08/04/2011 11:59

Even without the very disturbing back story, it would be utterly wrong of your PILs to book a holiday for your son without consulting you first. That's just normal decent behaviour, and as momcop says, what they've done is disrespectful and not at all sensible.

Apart from all the safety/protection issues, it's also about setting a precedent. If you allow them to take him away this time, to railroad you like this, then they will think they can do whatever they like. They really have railroaded you. Booking a holiday anywhere, let alone abroad, for your son without even asking you, even if you had shared custody with your exH, would be so wrong; in the actual situation you're in, it's madness. (And if they're given to behaving like that, it might even explain why your exH turned out the way he did.)

There is no way you should just roll over and give in on this. It's not about the passport; it's about them making a big decision about your child's llife without involving you in any way, as if they had the right to do that and you don't have a say. As if they have superior rights in parenting to you, somehow, which is just outrageous!

Believe me, no reasonable, rational, sensible, sensitive, normal person would have dreamt of doing this; the normal thing to do would have been to contact you and discuss it with you and above all ASK YOUR PERMISSION!!! The fact they have not done this raises serious questions about the kind of people they are and you are entitled to ask yourself if you actually want your DS spending a prolonged period of time with them, without you.

In short (eventually!!) yes, you definitely DO make an issue out of this. It is so not OK.

I don't know what your next step is practically, but just wanted to give you some reassurance that you are more than within your rights to challenge this, in whatever way seems appropriate to you.