Have one through choice but think I may have made wrong decision and now it's too late

[motherof1]

We have one DS age 6. We both love him so much but he has been hard work and can be quite challenging. We went through a period of about 2-3 years of going round and round in circles about whether we would like to have another and not being able to decide.

It then got to the stage where we thought, life is settled and calmer now, I was getting older and the age gap would be too great. I have even got as far as sorting out baby stuff ready to be sold. I'm on the verge of getting my career back on track and I enjoy the time I have to myself.

However, recently, I been having panic stricken thoughts about the fact that perhaps we should have had another. I have a bit of regret that I'll never have a daughter and can get quite fixated on other people's girls-I love looking at their girly bedrooms and clothes.

From a practical point of view, the age gap etc. and having no family nearby to help, it's madness but sometimes I think, should we just try and see what happens? Common sense then kicks in and I start thinking about how hard the early years are etc.(I didn't enjoy them either) and I think nooooo.

This has been the trouble all along-I've thought too much about it instead of just going for it-and now I think I'm regretting it. Has anyone else felt like this and decided to go for another?

[motherof1]

.

[Tee2072]

Why is too late? If you want another baby, see what happens.

[lal123]

I was happy with just one child - then the time seemed right to have another - there's a 6 year age gap (had 2 mcs in between). I think the gaps fine - DD1 loves helping out and is old enough to not need so much time.

[brimfull]

I have nearly 11 years between my two.

It wasn't a decision I made but rather a surprise. Looking logically I would have said it wasn't a good time for another child ,but he has changed all our lives for the better.

[MoreCrackThanHarlem]

We have one 9yo dd, through choice
Life is good for us- nice holidays, lots of room in the house and lots of time to spend with dd
She also has a very expensive hobby which she is heavily involved in, and the fact that she is an only child has made it easier to accommodate this.

Dh and I have casually tossed around the idea of another.
Sometimes it feels like a good idea, sometimes not.
What I do find though, is when dh is having a day where he feels he never wants another, I tend to feel broody. I suppose I don't like the finality of the situation. It's nice to feel it would still be possible iyswim.

Could this be what you are feeling?
Not so much that you want a second, but that you are sad at the option no longer being available?

I have a dd though, and I expect I would feel the same as you if I had an only son.

[motherof1]

MoreCrack, yes, I think you are right about feeling it's no longer an option.

I'm 42 and DH doesn't want to risk it in case of complications and other things that could go wrong.

DH has admitted that if we'd had a girl then he would have wanted to try again for a boy.

Life is good for us too and it would really throw a spanner in the works having a baby. I'm not even sure my relationship with DH would survive with the stress of a newborn.
Added to that, the sibling rivalry factor...

[MoreCrackThanHarlem]

Your situation sounds similar to mine
My relationship really suffered in the first year or two, and I don't enjoy the baby stage either.

I do fantasise about having more, I choose names, look at baby clothes etc, but the reality of another child is so much more than that.
Dd and I went to York for the day today, had a fab time browsing the shops, visiting the Minster, painted our own ceramics in a cafe. It was lovely, and would have been entirely less pleasurable with a baby or toddler in tow.

I count my blessings, and concentrate on the positives of having an older child.

Having a baby now, for me, would be a huge gamble. There's no telling how it would effect my relationship with dh and dd. So for now, it's a gamble I don't feel able to make.

[Tigerdrivesbackin]

I had DS at 40. I didnt at all enjoy being pregnant. DH is now 55, I am 48. We decided straightaway that one was fine. I am happy now, and very glad that the early years of nappies and tantrums have gone, but there was a time when I ached to have another, even though I wouldn't have been able to cope. Not sure what help that is, but I think there is a feeling that however rare the first is, maybe you would have another. For me, the risk of MC or other issues was also a factor: things went well with DS, but they might not have and that would have been v difficult.

[MindySimmons]

If you look around a variety of threads on MN I think the reality of the finality of it all is something many people experience. Those with 2,3,4 or more often post about this. Therefore, I think you need to focus on whether you truly do want more children (and of course that means another boy as well!)or whether it's that ticking clock! I love having one child and my dd is fantastic, but I still sometimes wonder whether I'll always be sure - I then give myself a slap and accept we'd all drive ourselves mad with the what ifs.

[motherof1]

Yes, I think you are all so right.

Morecrack, I also think of baby names and imagine what my little girl would look like but I can't guarantee a daughter.

I am bad at looking through rose-tinted glasses but when I start thinking about all the hard bits of parenting, I know I've made the right decision. I think it must be the fact that the choice will not be (probably not even now!) mine very soon because of my age.

I just never saw myself with one child. Even when DS got to 4 and 5 I kept thinking we would probably go for it again. Maybe it's just the coming to terms with that that I,m finding hard.

I do feel judged for having one as well. I feel as if people think I don't have it as hard and I must have tons of time on my hands(I don't-I keep very busy with various things). If I'm totally honest, when I was younger, I couldn't understand why people would only have one-it seemed odd to me-the ignorance of youth I suppose.

[guineagents]

motherof 1. Be glad of yr boy ;)I know its a can of worms, but I think us mother of boys can often feel we're missing out somehow and can get certain vibe off some other mums ( only recently I heard the expression SMOG- Smug mother of girls!) Wether SMOGiness exists- decide 4 yrself! but boys r great!

I was the worst for wanting a girl but now can honestly say im glad I had a boy. Weird thing is I feel that for me personally, If i decide to stop at one, Il be glad to have had a son rather than an only daughter.

I know its a personal decision but just wanted to put my oar in re: the gender thing
x

[motherof1]

guineagents, thanks for that! It
think there is a bit of SMOGiness around but I haven't come across anyone rubbing it in too much!

I am SO glad I have my DS. I do think boys are a little less complicated! It's just a thing that has really got to me. I'm worried my DS will be off when he's older and I'll hardly see him.

I have a lot of worries and what ifs that may never happen anyway....

[GenevieveHawkings]

Why do you think it's too late? How old are you? Provided you haven't stopped having periods I guess you can always have a try.

What concerns me abut your story is that you seem fixated on having a daughter. What if you decide to try and have another and it turns out to be another boy? Will you then still feel a sense of incompleteness? I don't suppose you'll know that until you've tried and found out.

I think that people should only really have another child if they really want another child IYSWIM - not one of a specific sex. There must always be a sense of disappointment if you desperately want one sex and end up with the opposite.

[motherof1]

Genevieve, I am 42. I read the other day that fertility drops to 5% in the forties.

I would like a little girl, but part of me just wonders if our family is complete without another child, of whatever sex.

I've always told my DS how special he is and how he is my favourite boy etc. I think he might take it badly if a sibling came along. I do wonder if he's missing out though-I've only felt like this in the last few weeks. I've read all the threads about this but who knows what goes on in their heads? My DS seems happy enough and has friends, cousins etc. to play with. He does like babies and has asked for a brother or sister only a couple of times, he doesn't seem too bothered.

I just wonder if in a couple of years he'll suddenly want a sibling and feels he's missed out.

I think it has only just hit me that this is probably it for me as far as having children goes and I'm not sure whether I want it to be. I do and I don't IYSWIM. I don't really want the broken nights, breastfeeding, weaning, nappies etc. but I do want to feel complete and I suppose I don't but I've never been brave enough to get pregnant again.

Oh God, I'm not sure this even makes sense, sorry!

[donny34]

I always wanted a large family (having 2 sisters and a brother myself) but didn't meet my husband until I was 35 (him 25). We got married and tried for 5 years before I was diagnosed as having PCOS. However, after only 6 months after seeing the specialist, I was then pregnant with DD (now 4). We really want another, but age isn't on my side (now 44) along with the PCOS. If we stay as is, I know we'll be financially better off, but DD would love a little brother or sister to look after. The way I look at it is that you get what you get. If we're lucky she still might have a sibling, but I'm not beating myself up if she doesn't. Finger's crossed!

[motherof1]

Thanks donny!

My feelings come and go at the moment. Sometimes I have such heartache about it and at other times, I am glad I have just DS.

There will always be pros and cons and I think maybe I'll always be like this-veering bbetween being sad and glad

[stropicana]

Just go for it and see. No more thinking just babydancing. Who knows?