Carers kissing children??

(204 Posts)
Magic69 Mon 20-May-13 19:29:45

Hi there I wanted to ask mummies how they feel about childrens key workers kissing the children.

My son's key worker met him at the annual summer fete and she picked him up lovingly and for a good 5 mintues slobbered on him, kissing him endlessly on both cheeks.

I was shocked......i didnt say anything at the time (kicking myself) but i am thinking of writing an official complaint to the nursery manager.

I felt it was inappropriate, not to mention cold sores. I personally would never kiss another child, and if i were to i couldnt slober on them incessently...surly a peck would have sufficed?

does anyone see where i am coming from?

Shinyshoes1 Mon 20-May-13 19:33:37

does anyone see where I'm coming from ?

No I dont . I think what she did was harmless but then ive never been in that situation. She obviously cares for him very much

FarelyKnuts Mon 20-May-13 19:34:30

Did she really slobber all over your child? Seriously? Might you be exaggerating just a wee bit for effect?

And no, I couldn't give a shiny shite if my childminder kissed my child on the cheek (coldsores more likely to be transmitted by mouth to mouth contact). I think it's lovely.

BUT.. if it bothered you why on earth didn't you just say "would you mind not doing that?" at the time?

sleepdodger Mon 20-May-13 19:34:32

Dc nursery do kisses
I'm pleased they show true interest emotion and affection
It's hugs and cuddles
If they didn't get them there they would have no daytime affection 5 days a week hmm
Would I let a stranger anywhere near them
No way
Would a stranger want slobbery children on them probably not grin

SoupDragon Mon 20-May-13 19:36:46

"not to mention cold sores"

The cold sores you didn't mention she had or the ones she didn't have at all?

notapizzaeater Mon 20-May-13 19:36:58

I'd be delighted - my ds (10) still throws his arms round his fav teachers for a hug.

Scruffey Mon 20-May-13 19:37:04

My ds's teacher kissed him on the head at school - i know because ds told me. He's 7. Lucky ds!

MousyMouse Mon 20-May-13 19:38:16

I'd be happy that dc has such loving involved carers.

mervynmouse Mon 20-May-13 19:40:42

The carers at our nursery kissed and cuddled the children and I also thought it was lovely and great to see that they had genuine affection for them. If you're really worried about coldsores you could have a chat with whoever is in charge and make sure everyone knows to be careful if they have one but I would have thought they are aware.

Sirzy Mon 20-May-13 19:43:32

I think its great he has carers who care.

Magic69 Mon 20-May-13 19:47:24

BUT.. if it bothered you why on earth didn't you just say "would you mind not doing that?" at the time?

i know i should have done.....i am kicking myself

I am writing to the nursery to complain about the situation

Its not that i dont want the staff to be affectionate but there are limits.....i was just very uncomfortable with it

lostinindia Mon 20-May-13 19:47:46

Id be sad if they were told they couldn't kiss and cuddle the children. I think its lovely that your DS keyworker is so fond of your son. My heart would melt if I saw nursery staff do the same to my DC.

Sirzy Mon 20-May-13 19:48:17

why are you uncomfortable though? what harm is it doing?

twofalls Mon 20-May-13 19:49:51

An official complaint? Really? That is ridiculous. I think it's lovely she cares about him so much. Did it upset him? Doesn't sound like it.

looseleaf Mon 20-May-13 19:51:25

Funny to read this just after my thought at a playgroup today. I was struck by how much affection and interaction the children with family caring for them got (there was a dad, couple of grannies and mums) compared to some unusually useless IMO nannies who just sat and ignored their charges. I think it's unusual as seen fabulous relationships at nursery with non-family members but in light of my morning I'd say you're astonishingly lucky as long as it didn't annoy your DC or wasn't put on for show because you we're there (sounds possible?)

NumTumDeDum Mon 20-May-13 19:52:34

Are you feeling displaced in some way? Personally, I would rather that my dd felt able to form an affectionate attachment with her carers. She's 4 and needs that during the day. I can't see any reason why that is worthy of complaint. If she'd been cold and discouraged your child from physical contact, would that have been better in your view?

seeker Mon 20-May-13 19:53:19

Well obviously you've made up your mind. But it might be worth considering that nobody agrees with you......

WidowWadman Mon 20-May-13 19:54:01

My children's nursery nurses do, and are in general very affectionate with the children, and the children show the same affection for them. I like it that way, as I know that they're in an environment, where they're loved and where they love to be.

looseleaf Mon 20-May-13 19:54:02

Ps it was an unusually bad example today though as the playgroup organisers twice told a nanny to watch her charge more and she still didnt and it almost got quite heated between them as the little boy twice got his fingers stuck in a heavy door as he tried to open it unsupervised

lurcherlover Mon 20-May-13 19:54:52

My son adores his key worker and talks about him all the time. She is really affectionate and often kisses his cheek. I think it's lovely and it makes me feel better about putting him in nursery really.

I think it's really sad that you're complaining. You'd have a lot more to be worried about if she wasn't loving towards your child.

You're complaining about staff caring about your child? hmm

OlyRoller Mon 20-May-13 19:55:35

Please don't write and complain. You will make the carer feel self-conscious and cautious instead of relaxed and natural.

I agree it would be wrong for a child should be deprived of cuddles and kisses and real affection while they're in care. Just hold your tongue and as long as your child is happy, consider it no big deal.

motherinferior Mon 20-May-13 19:56:01

My childminder did lots of kisses and cuddles. Hell, I do lots of kisses and cuddles when I get my paws on a toddler now mine are bigger.

DerbyNottsLeicsNightNanny Mon 20-May-13 19:58:16

My childminder gives my ds (3) a kiss sometimes, I felt a bit weird when I first saw her do this but actually I think its quite sweet & shows she really likes himsmile

StrawberryMojito Mon 20-May-13 20:00:16

Please don't make the complaint. Instead consider the thought that your child might benefit from having a key worker that is that fond of them.

I absolutely cannot see where you are coming from. My DS was in nursery 3.5 days a week from 10 months and I wanted him to have as much affection as possible from the staff as he loves his cuddles. Luckily, they were only too happy to oblige. He still knows who his mummy is but is very settled and happy at nursery.

BoysRule Mon 20-May-13 20:00:41

When my DSs childminder told me she kissed him night night when she put him down for his lunch time nap I was delighted. Children need to feel loved and adored by adults other than their parents. It is an important part of their development to have meaningful relationships with other adults.

I can understand that you personally might not be comfortable with it, but I think that is how you should approach the situation. It's not 'complaint worthy' it is just a personal preference.

sittinginthesun Mon 20-May-13 20:00:49

Seeker grin

OP, you are over reacting.

quietlysuggests Mon 20-May-13 20:02:42

If you complain then the worker will be stiff and awkward around your son.
They will no longer be his key worker.
So the new key worker will have been told "Be very careful about touching that boy his mother is trouble" so his new key worker will always look at him with caution.
So write that letter and from now on your son gets no affection from anyone apart from you.
Is that what you want?
I have heard it is very common for mothers to end a relationship between child and carer out of jealousy?

DuttyWine Mon 20-May-13 20:06:55

So imagine the situation when the key worker has to have a meeting with the manager about your complaint? Awkward and very saddening for her I would imagine. Or the manager may tell you if you don't want your child to receive this kind of affection then maybe that setting isn't for you.

I think it's a good thing she obviously has a genuine and loving bond with your child, it will no doubt be helping your sons cortisol levels which will make him feel happy and more able to learn!

chocolatemartini Mon 20-May-13 20:07:33

Children need kisses & cuddles. They are also very good at letting people know for themselves when they don't want to be cuddled or kissed. I'd be delighted if it were my dc

Sirzy Mon 20-May-13 20:08:59

The nursey nurse will also probably feel self concious before showing affection to any of the other children in her care meaning they all loose out.

iliketea Mon 20-May-13 20:11:16

Your OP made me sad . One of the things that makes me recommend the nursery dd attends is that the.staff are clearly not scared to show affection. Dd often runs to her favourite staff in the morning and they hug her goodbye when I pick her up. It's not sinister, it's a great thing that dc are looked after in a place that affection is shown freely.

I agree with the other posters. Carers showing physical affection, kisses and cuddles is great. There should be more of it.
My two love cuddles, off teachers, t.a.'s, nursery nurses, anybody really and I don't mind a jot.

That said, that is my preference and my dc's preference too. If you don't like it and your dc don't either, tell them so, but a formal complaint is a bit much imo.

KenDoddsDadsDog Mon 20-May-13 20:15:31

A formal complaint about someone showing affection for your child ?
What happens if your son needs a cuddle at nursery when you aren't there ? Are you going to command he isn't to have one ?

plantsitter Mon 20-May-13 20:16:13

Did she have a cold sore?

I saw my DD's key worker kiss her yesterday. I thought it was lovely. Sometimes she is just so utterly adorable and scrumptious that it's impossible not to kiss her. Though obviously I'm sure she is cuter and cheek-pinchabler than other 2.5 yr olds.

Chandon Mon 20-May-13 20:16:34

Uptight Brits wink

I remember in our old country, the kids' swimming teachers kissing and hugging the kids when they did well ( some were blokes, shock horror) and the teachers kissing the kids every morning ( and all the parents kissing eachother and the teachers)... To be honest it was a bit much, but this OP is a bit sad really.

As long as the adult does not push him or herself on a child who does not appreciate it, I think there is not problem.

To be fair, I did have a slight problem with strangers in the stet trying to kiss my DS as he was so cute and foreign, but hey

YonilyDevotedToYou Mon 20-May-13 20:18:10

I posted a question on here a while ago asking whether it was ok to kiss my friend's toddler DS. All the posters who replied said it was absolutely fine. Bearing in mind that I have met friend's DS twice in his life, and that carers see DCs every day, I can't see any problem with them kissing them- especially little ones.

CaveyLovesPendleton Mon 20-May-13 20:18:52

Mine are very affectionate with the nursery staff - it is lovely.

Bowlersarm Mon 20-May-13 20:21:38

You sound very uptight OP.

I think it's sad if you make a complaint about this lovely, caring person.

PrincessScrumpy Mon 20-May-13 20:23:10

When dd1 left nursery her key worker picked her up and gave her kisses and cuddles. I was rather surprised in this pc world that she did this but actually delighted she loved dd1 enough to want to do this. She had cared for dd for 18 months and clearly cared for her.
This isn't paedophilia this is someone key in your child's life showing she cares. It's parents like you who get on the pc band wagon - children need affection get a grip!

Dirtymistress Mon 20-May-13 20:24:00

Don't write a letter or complain in any way OP. When I first sent DS1 to nursery, the only question I had was 'will you cuddle and kiss him?'. He is a little boy and needs affection in spades, all children do. Don't go ruining things for the rest of us please. Your post has made me so miserable, I am sad that people as mean spirited as you existhmm

FarelyKnuts Mon 20-May-13 20:26:36

From my whole post you took that OP?

Seriously, please don't write a formal complaint! There is NOTHING wrong with key people in your child's life being affectionate with them. Maybe you need to think about why it bothers you?

acrabadabra Mon 20-May-13 20:29:31

Oh ffs.

Beechview Mon 20-May-13 20:30:11

Its very sad that you want to make a written complaint about a caring, affectionate nursery worker.

I chose my children's nursery because I saw a member of staff pick up, kiss and cuddle a crying toddler with genuine affection while I visited and thought how lovely and warm the staff were.

RubyrooUK Mon 20-May-13 20:31:29

I picked my son's nursery primarily because it was the kind of place where children do get kissed. I would much rather leave my child with someone who cares for him with affection than anything else.

motherinferior Mon 20-May-13 20:33:49

If it really bothers you move him to somewhere where you feel safer that nobody will try to kiss him. Please don't make the poor nursery staff feel they have done something wrong.

flipchart Mon 20-May-13 20:34:18

You would really be a nasty piece of work if you complained about someone who clearly is fond of your child.

No wonder all teachers, care professionals and other professionals are frightened to death of showing any positive emotion to a child.

Has it never occurred to you that some people are just nice.

Even if you have made this up for a laugh there a plenty of idiots out there that think the same way.

Seb101 Mon 20-May-13 20:35:17

Please don't write a letter of complaint; you are being unreasonable. I would suggest the problem is yours if seeing a carer kiss your child makes you uncomfortable.

Fightlikeagirl Mon 20-May-13 20:36:52

I'm a childminder, I kiss the children when they go down for a nap, I give countless cuddles and kisses during the day and they always choose to give me a kiss/cuddle when they leave. Young children NEED affection, its a basic need.

How very very sad for your child that you don't want this for him.
If a parent ever complained to me about the affection I show then I would have to say that are not suited to my form of care. I care for the children I mind for and I would not do my job any other way.

Shocked at how uptight you are Op!!

FamiliesShareGerms Mon 20-May-13 20:37:49

Don't write a letter. Feel happy that your child is getting care and attention from a lovely nursery assistant

Cloverer Mon 20-May-13 20:37:57

Please don't write to complain! The management might ban all the workers from kissing and cuddling the children.

Did she have a coldsore? If so, then obviously that is not ok, but if not then what is the issue?

My DS is an affectionate child and I am really happy that the nursery staff kiss and cuddle him. I know some would object to a kiss on the lips, but kisses on the cheek are surely fine?

Thurlow Mon 20-May-13 20:41:14

A complaint? That's a massive overreaction. Imagine how the keyworker will feel when she hears of it. She cares for your DC and shows him affection, and instead of thanks all she gets is you complaining about. Do you really think your DC will have as nice a time at nursery after you've complained and everyone knows not to be affectionate with him?

Honestly, it smacks of you having some serious issues. It sounds like you are guilty about someone else caring for your DC.

My CM kisses and cuddles her mindees all the time, it was one of the reasons I chose her. DC gets kissed all the time at home, I hated the thought of her then not getting any physical affection the days she was with the CM.

All I can think is your poor DS sad

MissBlennerhassett Mon 20-May-13 20:43:24

Don't write the letter.

fishybits Mon 20-May-13 20:44:24

One of the questions I asked at each nursery whilst looking for the right one for DD was " are you happy to pick up and cuddle DD". I am delighted that DD runs into the room every morning looking for her key worker and a cuddle.

Your op makes me sad for your son.

Shaky Mon 20-May-13 20:45:18

Blimey, I'm a midwife and I kissed a toddler in my clinic last week. I looked after the lady during her last pregnancy and did all her post natal care. She is pregnant again and at the end of the appointment the woman gave me a big hug and kiss on the cheek. Consequently the toddler held her arms out for the same.

Disclaimer - I do not have any cold sores.

Would you be pissed off if your midwife showed obvious love and affection for you and your child?

Wishihadabs Mon 20-May-13 20:49:12

Dd was in nursery from 5months. Every morning (but especially when they hadn't sen each other for 4 days) dd put her arms out for her care worker, who then gave her a lovely kiss. What's not to like ?

WouldBeHarrietVane Mon 20-May-13 20:50:24

Please please please don't write sad

All children need affection from their carers and this kind of reaction is what is driving nurseries not to allow carers to show natural healthy affection.

Did your DS look happy about the kissing? If so, how do you think they will feel when it stops with no explanation?

mrspaddy Mon 20-May-13 20:51:00

I am a Special Needs Teacher and while I don't kiss children I do use gesture - rub on the head etc. Some children are tactile defensive so obviously don't then.

I do not think you should write the letter. The woman was being genuine. She sounds like a lovely lady.

Please god when I have my baby, it will see love and affection from family and carers alike.

zippey Mon 20-May-13 20:51:30

The OP is in a minority of one though. I would delighted if people showed that kind of affection to my little one! Hugs and kisses are good things surely! You are being unreasonable!

Shaky Mon 20-May-13 20:53:56

I do not mind the nursery nurses kissing my child. Often when he is leaving at night, he puckers up for a kiss from whoever he is saying goodbye to. He is a born flirt.

showtunesgirl Mon 20-May-13 20:56:01

Seriously? hmm

My DD's CM kisses her when I drop her off and also when I pick her up. She gives DD cuddles and says all that time that she loves her. I personally am really happy that her carer likes her so much and she has really become part of their family when she is in their care.

sweetiepie1979 Mon 20-May-13 20:59:11

God this thread is so frustrating you should be pleased they are so find of your dc. You sound like a cold fish and if this was my child's nursery if be furious if they all decided they wouldn't kiss and cuddle the kids because one paranoid bad feeling parent complained. How can you think this way? It's so sad

ReetPetit Mon 20-May-13 21:08:44

sorry op but omg, if you actually make a complaint you are going to make yourself look ridiculous and be a complete laughing stock.

talk about pfb. think yourself lucky that this woman actually likes your child enough to kiss him, jesus, carers can't win can they? hmm

LaVitaBellissima Mon 20-May-13 21:09:04

I love that my girls get cuddles at nursery, it makes me feel much more secure that they are happy and looked after.

ReetPetit Mon 20-May-13 21:09:54

you also actually sound very insecure and jealous. this thread says more about you than the carer....

please consider why this made you feel you so uncomfortable, this is your issue, clearly.

showtunesgirl Mon 20-May-13 21:12:24

And would you really never ever kiss another child? confused I have always kissed and cuddled the other babies from my antenatal group.

valiumredhead Mon 20-May-13 21:12:45

Children need affection, it it's a basic need.

You should be delighted your child is in a carrying, living environment.

You sound very odd.

valiumredhead Mon 20-May-13 21:12:58

Loving not living

meglet Mon 20-May-13 21:15:19

The staff kiss the children at DD's nursery. It's lovely.

KneeDeepInDaisies Mon 20-May-13 21:19:09

Should my DC not kiss me in case I have imaginary cold sores?

valiumredhead Mon 20-May-13 21:20:32

This is not some random stranger OP, this is someone your child knows and sees all the time, to not show affection would be odd. And I think 5 minutes is probably a ridiculous exaggeration!

Magic69 Mon 20-May-13 21:24:45

How would mummies react if it was a man who was kissing and cuddling the kids? I am sure there would be a few more frowns and disapproval on here...will probably suspect him of being a sexual predator...

Ironically women are just as likely to be predators and tend to work in the child care field. Its sad, because we still can't accept that a woman can be capable of bad things, we brush it off and think our kids are safe...that a woman being affectionate is 'normal' when in truth, we don't know that for sure

KenDoddsDadsDog Mon 20-May-13 21:25:36

Are you for real ?

Sirzy Mon 20-May-13 21:25:43

exactly the same. If I trust someone enough to care for my child I trust them enough to show them some appropriate affection.

ReetPetit Mon 20-May-13 21:26:22

oh dear op, i think you need help, you sound very disturbed.... sad

ReetPetit Mon 20-May-13 21:27:19

the repeated 'mummies' reference is also slightly disturbing.....

chipmonkey Mon 20-May-13 21:28:52

Oh come on! Seriously? Please, please don't write that letter! As a working mum myself, I would hate to think that the nursery staff would have to stop kissing my child because some other uptight parent had complained and then it would have to be "policy" that my child went without affection.
And if she didn't have an active cold sore, then the risk of transmitting one is miniscule. I get cold sores and of course I don't kiss my children while they're active but I do kiss them the rest of the time and my boys don't get them.

Bowlersarm Mon 20-May-13 21:29:12

I'm sure if a man was the carer it would be exactly the same if he was kissing a child's cheek.

Are you just trying to wind everybody up, OP

plantsitter Mon 20-May-13 21:29:40

Sorry op, but if you really feel like this, your kid should not be at nursery. We trust key workers to look after our kids properly and when they are tiny this means showing affection.

Yes, very rarely nursery workers have more sinister intent but you can't live as if this is always the case. I don't see how you can leave your kid at nursery every day if you actually suspect this.

Littlefish Mon 20-May-13 21:30:18

Have you read the replies? You have been told overwhelmingly that your views are out of step with almost everyone else's.

twofalls Mon 20-May-13 21:30:23

Op, you are sounding pretty bonkers.

Smartiepants79 Mon 20-May-13 21:30:29

I think sirzy has it exactly. If you trust them (make or female) to look after your child in your absence then affection shown to the child whilst you are standing right there is not an issue.
Do you trust them?
If not you need new childcare arrangements.

rubyslippers Mon 20-May-13 21:30:52

The kiss in this context is not sinister hmm

You cannot be that ridiculous

Or maybe you can

If you feel uncomfortable pull your child out of the nursery

The problem is entirely in your head

RubyrooUK Mon 20-May-13 21:30:53

Where is the research showing women "are just as likely to be predators and work in the child care environment"? Please cite your sources.

And actually two men work at my DS' nursery. They are kind, thoughtful and I wouldn't mind at all if my DS kissed them goodbye or hello.

Shaky Mon 20-May-13 21:32:37

A close friend of mine is also a midwife. He is also male. How would you feel if he happened to show the same care and compassion that I do? He kissed my baby.

valiumredhead Mon 20-May-13 21:32:45

Oh ffs,I would think exactly the same regardless of the key worker's sex.

You are more than a little bonkers and I'm not convinced this isn't a seeing up tbh...

valiumredhead Mon 20-May-13 21:33:42

Wind up-silly phone!

KneeDeepInDaisies Mon 20-May-13 21:33:53

OP, I hope you don't mind but I looked up your previous posts. To be honest to check you weren't a bridge dweller. I don't think you are by the way.

Is this your DC1 you are talking about? You obviously had a very difficult time with the birth and afterwards, so I want to apologise for not taking you seriously early as you may still be processing everything they happened and your emotions about it.

If I'm wrong about it just ignore me grin

Shaky Mon 20-May-13 21:35:03

I would also like to add that I would not have minded at all if he had looked after me in labour and delivered my baby.

DearlyDepartedMrsFinch Mon 20-May-13 21:35:42

Writing a complaint is so over the top. I despair of this type of attitude, I really do.

Snazzywaitingforsummer Mon 20-May-13 21:38:28

If this is how you feel - having read your latest "women are just as likely to be predators" post (they're not, by the way) - you should not use childcare as you clearly don't feel anyone is trustworthy to look after your kids. Likewise you should home educate them as a school environment won't be safe enough for them either.

Cloverer Mon 20-May-13 21:38:55

Women are not as likely to be sexual predators as men. But actually, that's irrelevant - I would expect male childcarers to kiss and cuddle their little charges too.

Your child being kissed by someone who they have a loving relationship with, who spends a lot of time with them, and in front of you - is very, very likely to be innocent!

Being affectionate with a child you care for is a normal and healthy human reaction.

ReetPetit Mon 20-May-13 21:40:36

sadly i think KneeDeep is right. op does not appear to be on a wind up, which is a shame actually. how sad for your and your ds that you are living feeling this way sad

(i feel sorry for the poor keyworker too)

BabyStone Mon 20-May-13 21:40:39

At the nursery I work at, we are not allowed to kiss the children. Hug/cuddle yes, if a child wants to kiss us we have been told they can on our cheek, if they want to on the lips we have to make an excuse. We are there to look after the children and also educate them, of course we can be affectionate but not over the top or all the time. We can cuddle, have them sit on our laps and carry them but only to comfort them and bond with them, we can not show our "favourites" (obviously with young babies and toddlers we can carry them) so I can see where the OP is coming from.

Magic69 Mon 20-May-13 21:40:52

It is my DC1 and he is 2 now and i have other kids too, so i dont think the issues round his birth has anything to do with it- for any of my kids, i would think the same.

and i do love him very much. I just dont like strangers kising him- and seeing as he is in nursery twice a week and she isnt his key does seem odd to me when she started kissing him.

It just doesnt seem appropriate......i can understand cuddling and hugging but all those kisses were not warrented.

I will write the letter and let management know how i feel- afterall, it takes one person to speak up to make a difference. If everyone kept quiet then things will go on and it is just not right.

also regarding sexual predators who are female-

They work in childcare, they are mothers, carers, babysitters, relatives......afterall, dont predators stay around their prey?

Ragusa Mon 20-May-13 21:41:09

Dear lord, are you serious about the male carer?! To answer your question, no, I wouldn't feel any differently if it were a man or a woman.

I really think you need to relax, unless you have other evidence or worries that something is awry. Surely, abusers are by nature secretive in any case - they would hardly want to push your panic buttons by engaging in huge public displays of affection, would they confused??

Please don't write the letter. If you allege inappropriate affection, then the worker in question might be investigated under safeguarding procedures. Do you think that's justified? You might do, but it would pay to be aware of the possible consequences of any complaint you might make.

Please don't complain. I wouldn't want to send my child to a nursery where they didn't show genuine affection towards the children. Of course they care about them. You couldn't do a job that involved getting covered in poo puke wee snot etc if u didn't genuinely love being around children and working to enrich their lives.

My dd still remembers her Pre school key worker.

That feeling of being cared for by someone other than family is what gives them the confidence and self worth and brings them
Out of their shells ready for the world of school etc. that kind of nurturing is invaluable

Flojobunny Mon 20-May-13 21:42:29

This is clearly a wind up. "mummies" blew your cover OP. No normal parent would post something so vile and sexist. My DD 4 yo has a male key worker, albeit he's gay and very camp! She loves him to bits, she goes to nursery 5 days a week. She always gives him a big kiss and cuddle, and she tells me when she's fallen over and I say "what happened" she replies "(key worker) gave me a cuddle and kissed it better".
Anyway, so glad to realise by the OP last post that this is a wind up otherwise I'd feel very sad for this poor child and her key worker.

Sirzy Mon 20-May-13 21:42:46

She isn't a stranger though and if you feel like that they why on earth do you leave your child in there care?

No difference needs to be made, there is nothing wrong with a carer caring.

Bowlersarm Mon 20-May-13 21:43:23

Why did you come on here to ask magic.

Everyone has said you're wrong and you're not bothering to listen.

You obviously had no intention of taking anyone's comments on board if they didn't agree with you.

Bowlersarm Mon 20-May-13 21:44:06

Has to be a wind up, doesn't it?

Magic69 Mon 20-May-13 21:44:24

thanks BabyStone....finally, someone who understands where I am coming from.

I had thought my nursery had the same restrictions....but it doesnt seem so. which is why I want to write the letter.

Its sad people on here think that children cant be well looked after, loved and cherished- without being drowned in kisses ever so often

Hugs and cuddles are suffice....children can still grow up to become wonderful people with hugs alone.

Tanith Mon 20-May-13 21:46:40

We actually don't know whether or not women are as likely to be sexual predators. That argument is, however, beside the point.

People are less likely to be sexual predators, as a matter of fact. Most are caring, loving individuals who would regard with horror any suggestion that their spontaneous show of affection toward a child they care for had sinister overtones.

Rather like your child's key worker, I expect.

I'm a childminder working with my husband, by the way. He kisses and cuddles the children in our care, too.

OrganixAddict Mon 20-May-13 21:47:02

Won't echo all the comments about looking for displays of affection when choosing childcare but to answer to your question about what if it was a man - dd2 has a male reception teacher. I have seen him kiss her (on top of her head) when she was upset. It made me feel very happy that he seemed to genuinely care for and want to comfort her.
Same dd has also napped at lunchtime on the knee of a male LSA - again glad my summer-born baby had someone and somewhere she felt comfortable enough to sleep if that was what she needed.

ReetPetit Mon 20-May-13 21:47:39

oh my goodness Magic - i can't believe you wrote on here asking for opinions, too get loads, only to then turn around and say you are writing the letter anyway! shock

you are going to make yourself a complete laughing stock. None of the staff will ever want to deal with you again and i feel sorry for your ds, they will all be too scared to go anywhere near him.

i'm very surprised you are even using a nursery tbh.

you really do sound quite strange in your thinking - are you depressed perhaps? it can make people paranoid....

KneeDeepInDaisies Mon 20-May-13 21:48:32

Fair enough Magic, I thought it best to ask.

If you feel that strongly I suggest you remove your DS from nursery but please consider the opinions you have been given here or have a chat with someone in RL re writing that letter.

You have no grounds for any suspicion of abuse bar the fact that it made You feel uncomfortable. You could quite easily ruin the nursery worker's career for nothing hmm

I would also suggest talking to a GP or HV re anxiety issues. Yes, we all want to protect our children against abuse,etc but I think your posts suggest you may need to talk to someone professionally.

WouldBeHarrietVane Mon 20-May-13 21:48:46

So only 1% of posters agree with you, but you are prepared to potentially damage this poor girl's career because she was kind to your DS?

dribbleface Mon 20-May-13 21:49:54

Ok, going against the grain here but if you genuinely believe that the affection you saw was that inappropriate you should raise it. However your first post seems to me that you just had an issue with the kissing rather than the whole level of affection.

My nursery, we kiss, cuddle and love the children
some of our full timers are at nursery awake more hours than at home, lack of affection would be extremely damaging.

Fightlikeagirl Mon 20-May-13 21:50:06

I am very very glad that none of mindees parents share your views!!!

Poor nursery manager,
Poor childcare worker.
And your poor ds.

TiggyD Mon 20-May-13 21:50:18

Hmmm. I'm thinking the OP's Mummy and Daddy only ever shook her hand when she was young.

I'm a male nursery worker. I avoid kissing the children because firstly, I don't want to be accused of being a paedophile, and secondly, children eat bogies. (and sometimes ladybirds)

I do still give medical kisses if there's no way out of it.

ReetPetit Mon 20-May-13 21:50:39

Agree with KneeDeep - postnatal depression springs to mind... sad

Lioninthesun Mon 20-May-13 21:51:04

In your OP you said she WAS his key worker hmm
Fishy how you pick and choose on that.
FWIW DD's key worker will be male as of July, and I am PLEASED and HOPE that he is affectionate with her.
As a mother with a nearly 2yo myself who is also in nursery 2 half days a week I personally think you smell like a mum who doesn't want her DC's to bond with another 'mummy figure'.

Magic69 Mon 20-May-13 21:53:37

People are less likely to be sexual predators, as a matter of fact. Most are caring, loving individuals ...

I am sure they are......but you never know because once it happens, it happened.....too late for the 'if only i had known'

Most sexual predators are never caught and to be cautious is the least one can do...the worker who was kissing my son....i dont know her, like i said she is not his key worker but one of the carers. I dont know anything about her....if anything i have only seen her a few times, hardly enough to conclude that she has a right to smother him with kisses.

I am sure there are many lovely male carers....none at my childrens nursery sadly, but i am sure they are great- but in my experience, people always jump on the male sexual predator bandwagon without consider the risk women pose, just because women are seem in a more maternal light.

But thanks everyone for your contribution and for responding, especially those who gave personal insight into their children's carers. I appreciate it. smile

If you are writing this letter you really need to back it up with something other than "she kissed my ds"

This is someone's career we are talking about not to mention their income , she may have family dependant on her money and her working Pre school hours.

Mud sticks, and you better be sure because you could ruin everything for her and all the other children at the nursery who won't get hugs and kisses anymore.

But you said in your op she was your sons key worker hmm

Thurlow Mon 20-May-13 21:56:09

Oh my god.

Words almost fail more. Your poor DC.

You are obviously not happy with your DC being in childcare - why are they there?

My CM's husband hugs and kisses DD all the time. I don't think he's hatched a cunning plan to convince his wife to become a CM so that he has ready access to kids. He's just a nice man who offers the young kids in his house affection.

Seriously, OP, if this isn't a wind-up, I really do think you need some help with your idea of the threats in the world.

ReetPetit Mon 20-May-13 21:57:44

she has a right to smother him with kisses.

this says a lot about you op - it's about you feeling displaced and threatend.

ok, you have only see her a couple of times, but your ds spends time with her when he is at nursery and clearly knows her - this threatens you, doesn't it?

Seriously, if this woman was a paedophile, do you think she would pick your ds up and kiss him on his cheeks in front of you at a nursery fete???

think about this rationally op.... confused

Magic69 Mon 20-May-13 21:59:55

ps- i havent got postnatal issues and i love my children very much- i will not apologise for that.

i feel i am doing whats the end of the day, thats all i can do.

Some nurseries have a policy on kissing children....i thought mine did, i suppose the letter is just to address that. There wouldnt be restrictions for nothing.....if there are policies then it should be upheld.

If the care worker is not abiding by nursery policies, then its her doing not mine-

Tanith Mon 20-May-13 22:00:49

Op, you are taking caution to the point where you could damage your child's emotional well-being and ruin an innocent person's career. It's an attitude more likely to cause harm than good.

KneeDeepInDaisies Mon 20-May-13 22:01:24

I don't think anyone is going to persuade you to not write that letter. hmm
I don't think you really believe that this worker is abusing your child.

If you did I think you would have reported it already instead of coming on a Internet forum.

Just find another nursery where they don't kiss.

Selba Mon 20-May-13 22:02:25

OP listen to everyone on this thread.

ReetPetit Mon 20-May-13 22:02:54

it was at a fete op!! you didn't walk in to the nursery and find her kissing him - it was right in front of you!!

you sound unhinged tbh.

zippey Mon 20-May-13 22:03:43

Dont make it official and write the letter. It will end up with you looking foolish. Why dont you just ask the person giving affection to your child to refrain from doing so. Dont make this a crusade. It is a silly crusade.

Lioninthesun Mon 20-May-13 22:04:04

She clearly has a bit of a vendetta for the woman who cares so much for her DS.
Seems she actively wants to cause issues from nothing.
No point posting any more. I hope one day you will have some remorse for hurting this woman and ensuring none of the workers feel able to genuinely touch your DS again hmm

Magic69 Mon 20-May-13 22:04:28

she has a right to smother him with kisses

this says a lot about you op - it's about you feeling displaced and threatend


i dont feel i mentioned, cold sores and skin infections come to mind. I dont mind people kissing my son- my mother, my sister, my in laws...etc

Seriously, if this woman was a paedophile, do you think she would pick your ds up and kiss him on his cheeks in front of you at a nursery fete???


well you seem to know what paedophiles do and will not u tell me.

Like i mentioned...female predators are loving, they kiss, cuddle and are closelt associated with the children- mothers, carers, babysitters...etc

it might seem like a small thing, but if u work with victims of abuse you will do what u can to protect your children

Magic69 Mon 20-May-13 22:05:34

Why dont you just ask the person giving affection to your child to refrain from doing so.

I think this sounds like an idea.....

cheeseandpineapple Mon 20-May-13 22:06:31

Sounds like the nursery worker was a bit OTT but better to be affectionate than aloof which is the danger if you write to the nursery to complain - all the carers might be nervous about crossing your boundaries and might become less affectionate with your son which would be a shame for your son and potentially confusing for him.

If you are determined to write please be subtle and discreet ie don't name the worker, just say it was something you observed and whilst you think it's lovely for children to feel affection through hugs, your concern about kissing on the face is spread of germs or some such blah and ask if your request can be passed on, on a general "no names" basis to staff, to minimise any negative impact to your son.

ReetPetit Mon 20-May-13 22:06:59

if you have issues of your own op, maybe from your past, then you need to deal with them - don't drag your dc down with your issues...

PearlyWhites Mon 20-May-13 22:09:04

How dare she be affectionate and genuinely care about your child. You must get yourself of mumsnet and write a letter of complaint at once.
Have a brew and biscuit while you write the letter.

valiumredhead Mon 20-May-13 22:09:15

I will write the letter and let management know how i feel- afterall, it takes one person to speak up to make a difference. If everyone kept quiet then things will go on and it is just not right

Kept quiet about her showing affection? Or are you actually accusing her of something sinister? sad

TiggyD just so you know, I'm my head you are a scatty, 40 something woman, not a male nursery worker!!

5madthings Mon 20-May-13 22:09:26

Ofgs you miserable person, she was being kind ams friendly, you should be pleased she obviously cares for your child.

And do make your mind up, you say in your op she is your sons key worker and then you say she isn't, which is it?!!


So in your opinion, care workers are allowed to give cuddles but kisses go too far and it might actually make them abuse your child?
This is the message I'm getting from your posts anyway

cheeseandpineapple Mon 20-May-13 22:13:21

Please don't confront the worker directly! If you hint at what you're basically saying on this thread, it could get messy, she may take offence at what you're insinuating and it could all end up spiralling which would be a shame for your son.

Assume he is happy at nursery and enjoys going?

RubyrooUK Mon 20-May-13 22:13:38

Do you work with victims of abuse, OP?

It's just that this focus on paedophilia seems quite pronounced. It wouldn't occur to me that someone who cares for my DS showing him affection was inappropriate. I'm afraid I simply assume my PFB is as irresistibly cute to the nursery staff as to me. grin

Wasn't there a similar thread a while back about a gay male key worker who used to play fight with the children. This seems very similar.

ChippingInLovesSpring Mon 20-May-13 22:15:30

I think you should go and see your GP - your reaction is not 'normal' (as you can see by the replies) and you sound very insecure & paranoid.

The other alternative is not send any of them to nursery & home school if you are going to be this paranoid and cause this much trouble for staff who are just being loving & caring.

shallweshop Mon 20-May-13 22:16:20

OP you are very sad indeed and I feel sorry for your DC that you are going to complain about someone showing genuine affection for him. Cold sores/germs/child abuse??? world's gone mad!

FunnysInLaJardin Mon 20-May-13 22:17:04

my CM kisses and cuddles both my boys. I am very happy about that. As I am happy about the fact that they call me 'Mandy oh no Mummy' most of the time. She obv loves and cares for them very much

ClocksInALine Mon 20-May-13 22:19:57

Evil worker. Stone her. How dare she show affection and kiss your child. Even eye contact is too much - she might be getting thrills from it. If your child falls and hurts their she should step over them in future, hugging is for them peedos innit.

If this woman was a sexual predator I very much doubt she would have kissed and cuddled him in front of you.

It's bloody depressing that kisses on the cheek can be automatically interpreted as a sign that someone is a paedophile.

In real life they are much more devious than that.

FunnysInLaJardin Mon 20-May-13 22:23:49

oh OP you are barking. Maybe be a SAHM? That way there are no sexual perverts waiting at every corner to molest your DC

chipmonkey Mon 20-May-13 22:24:08

You seem a bit obsessed with female sexual predators. Because, you know , there's one on every corner hmm

trixymalixy Mon 20-May-13 22:29:33

One of the things I liked about DD's nursery was the affection shown to the kids by the staff.

YABU and a bit bonkers.

twofalls Mon 20-May-13 22:30:05

OP every single person on this thread has said donot write that letter. Does that not tell you something? That perhaps you might be wrong?

I agree it would be a shame to complain - I'd hate to think my son's key worker would stop being affectionate because another parent had complained. DS is very affectionate and loves giving out kisses and cuddles and I'm really happy that they feel comfortable enough to let it happen. Feeling like his carers really care about him is the most important attribute in a nursery to me.

hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman Mon 20-May-13 22:34:02

My son's key worker met him at the annual summer fete and she picked him up lovingly and for a good 5 mintues slobbered on him, kissing him endlessly on both cheeks.

the worker who was kissing my son....i dont know her, like i said she is not his key worker but one of the carers. I dont know anything about her....if anything i have only seen her a few times, hardly enough to conclude that she has a right to smother him with kisses.

Which version is true OP? Was she his key worker or not?

Lioninthesun Mon 20-May-13 22:35:29

Wind up, surely?

TiggyD Mon 20-May-13 22:38:02

IF you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:
If you can ignore everybody on a thread
And all of the advice they give you that
You are completely wrong with everything you have said
You won't be a man my Son, you'll just be a prat!

PatriciaHolm Mon 20-May-13 22:39:45

If you are seriously harbouring concerns that one of your children's nursery workers is a paedophile, why are you still taking him there? Or are you not actual serious about that bit and hysterically trying to justify your kiss phobia?

You are massively, massively overreacted and not looking at this logically at all. Your comments about paedophiles are random and slightly concerning; do you see everyone as a potential child abuser? How on earth are you going to cope with sending your child to school, where there will be lots of teachers and adults you don't know, even- shock - men?

nannynick Mon 20-May-13 22:43:02

>mummies how they feel about childrens key workers kissing the children.

I am not a mummy (or even a daddy) but I am a bloke and I work with children and have worked in nurseries.

I feel it would be in appropriate for me to kiss a child. A hug I feel is acceptable. I would not go around kissing children... it's too risky and it's not in my nature to do it. Maybe it is in this particular persons nature to do it and the children in their care know that and are used to that.

Maybe the nursery should look at it's Safeguarding Children Policy and consider if plastering a child with lots of kisses is appropriate.

Children should be able to decide for themselves who they will kiss, cuddle. They should not be made to do those things against their will. So how the child reacted I feel is important, was it against their will?

Yodeleeiay Mon 20-May-13 22:43:32

Magic, please do consider all the other children at the nursery. Going by this thread, 99% of parents actively like their DCs to be kissed by their carers, not just hugged. If you write a letter and the nursery feels it has to change policies, then all the other children will be unwillingly affected.

If, even after reading all this thread, you still feel you have to do something, maybe speak directly to the kissing carer, keep it brief and stress your general germ-phobia so she doesn't feel accused of being a half-out-the-closet paedophile. I hope you don't you don't have to do this though, she will feel v sad. But hopefully also think you are a bit mad.

You could consider explaining to your DS too that you've told the carer to stop kissing him so he knows it's your fault she's stopped and doesn't think she doesn't like him any more.

I don't agree with you but if you have to take action hope to mitigate the harm it does.

sunnyshine Mon 20-May-13 22:43:39

I'm always kissing my mindees and blowing raspberries on tummies and tickling and squeezing smile I love it when people snuggle my own kids, teachers, friends, keyworkers.

doublecakeplease Mon 20-May-13 22:48:30

Op - you could lose this girl her job. Really - the letter could be badly worded, Chinese whispers between staff etc... Please don't complain officially unless you truly believe she was abusive of her position.

If you truly feel she was inappropriate then speak to her yourself quietly.

Think forward too - do you really want your child to feel singled out at nursery because he's the one none of the staff want to cuddle / kiss / comfort when he needs it?? Do you really want the nursery to be writing 'non kiss / cuddle' policies which will change the whole ethos of their care?

zeeboo Mon 20-May-13 22:52:09

This is awful. It's like feeling compelled to look at a crash site. We are literally watching the stage being set for some poor nursery workers career and maybe life to be turned upside down by the OPs vindictive lunacy. Nowadays complaints have to he taken seriously, even if they are complete bollocks and this could have huge impact on the whole nursery and all the staff, parents and poor children.
OP, people with attitudes like yours really, really anger me and make me wish that I didn't have to share a country with you.

MissBlennerhassett Mon 20-May-13 22:52:36

grin Tiggy

toomuch2young Mon 20-May-13 22:53:29

What a disturbing and sad OP sad

Wouldn't be worrying overly about the key workers career though as I'm prepared to bet is all a big wind up. I mean one min it's his key worker, next OP says not his key worker and only met a couple of times...

MissBlennerhassett Mon 20-May-13 22:58:10

OP your insinuations are really offensive. Bloody hell. Talk of paedophilia because a woman (perhaps keyworker/perhaps not) kissed your son. You have a distorted view of the world.

willowstar Mon 20-May-13 23:01:21

My little boy spends his two days a week at the child minders attached to the male worker there...I am delighted he settles so well with him and love that he is so affectionate with him. My little girl goes there also and gets a kiss goodbye from the woman when she leaves. I'd be sad if it were any other way...I pay them to make my children feel happy and secure and that means showing them affection in my book.

TiggyD Mon 20-May-13 23:03:07

Not a wind up TooMuch. It's standard practice that if you post on a thread and nobody agrees with you, you add more 'facts' in an attempt to get people agreeing. The OP is up to the advanced level where you change things that you have already said and hope nobody notices. You have to be quite special to try it.

fieldfare Mon 20-May-13 23:05:30

Seriously. You sound unhinged. You are probably going to cause this poor woman emotional distress and undergo questioning at work over her behaviour. It could cost her her career.

I cm. I kiss, cuddle, snuggle them to sleep, blow raspberries on their tummies, tickle them, laugh with them, basically behave with them as if they were a member of my extended family. Exactly as I would with any of my nieces. Some of my mindee's are with me for 11-12 hours a day at under a year old. Can you imagine the emotional harm they would endure if for 12 hours a day I only saw to their basic, essential needs and nothing else. Luckily all of my parents have common sense and are comfortable in their own parenting capacity. They see the fondness I have for their children and are happy with it!

Please examine your true reasoning for wanting to write that letter.

cansu Mon 20-May-13 23:06:26

I think this maybe sounds like you are being a bit precious and maybe jealous in some small way?? My dd loves her 1:1 at school and often gives her a hug. I am happy that someone who really cares about her is there for her when I am not there.

FuckThisShit Mon 20-May-13 23:10:24

So one minute the key worker and the next minute it's not. Make your mind up.

Interesting. If it's true, which I doubt, it would be a massive overreaction to make a formal complaint.

Let me get this right. You're worried about this woman kissing your child because she might be a sexual predator or because she might have a cold sore?

Are you going to accuse her of being a paedophile in the nasty letter you are going to write?

Your argument makes no sense and I feel very sorry for the poor woman who clearly cares for your child.

Snazzywaitingforsummer Tue 21-May-13 00:14:41

If you really feel you will 'do what you can to protect your children', then you should withdraw them from childcare immediately and look after them yourself. How can you say you are 'doing everything you can' by your own logic, when you leave them in the care of people who may be paedophiles? hmm

Also, why is it OK for members of your family to kiss your DC, then, given the frequency with which children are abused by family members? I can't quote statistics but I would bet on it being statistically far more likely that a family member is an abuser than that a nursery worker is. So in terms of protecting them, you've got it totally the wrong way round.

HSMMaCM Tue 21-May-13 07:18:03

My DH joined me as a CM and we agreed to continue my policies of no lip kissing and kisses/cuddles only given where they're wanted.

It would be a shame not to be able to give these small children much needed affection.

Smudging Tue 21-May-13 07:33:43

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Katnisscupcake Tue 21-May-13 07:33:46


DD was with a CM until she was 2 who we still see as often as we can because DD loves her and she loves DD. I insisted that she behave with DD as she does with any other child that she's had and what she felt comfortable with. Luckily for DD (and me) that included copious amounts of cuddles, hugs and kisses.

DD is now at a private pre-school where they also insist on affection for the children. There was a period where DD was a little unsettled and if they didn't spend some time cuddling her in the mornings, we may have had to pull her out.

I am dreading her starting school, because I understand that they don't give cuddles freely, although I hope I'm wrong because DD is such an affectionate little thing and I don't want that to change.

As others have said, please consider the other children at the nursery. I would be mortified as a parent, if my child was no longer cuddled because of an UNNECESSARY complaint that had been made by someone else. sad

noviceoftheday Tue 21-May-13 08:15:52

160 odd posts telling you, yabu and yet you still want to lose this poor girl her job and make it uncomfortable for everyone else as well as denying other children affection. Your posts either show you are attention seeking or just "special"hmm. In all honesty, give up work and attach yourself permanently to them just in case someone else gets close. You may want to think about home educating, you know with those pesky teachers who might give a crap about your child.hmm Hope your dcs are not at my dcs nursery.shock

ChunkyPickle Tue 21-May-13 09:26:30

YABU - coldsores aside (and I'm very aware of them, and would be upset if DS got them), it's fantastic to see that the carers actually do care.

I know that DS loves his playgroup because he bounds in there, saying high to everyone, hugging their legs and getting hugged back (he's not a particularly kissy boy, but I'm sure there's some of that that goes on too), and when I go to pick him up it's usual to see him snuggled up on someone's lap (possibly that's more to do with him refusing to sit on the chairs if there's a lap available grin).

That is the environment I want for my son - happy, loving and affectionate.

If you don't trust the carers to give him a kiss and a cuddle how on earth can you trust them to look after him all day?

I would have absolutely no problem with the nursery staff kissing him. He loves his teachers at nursery, and tells me all about how he was having cuddles with X (his favourite member of staff). Physical affection is a good thing, and helps young children in so many ways.

Male or female, I would not be bleating on about 'sexual predators'. If I were worried about that, I certainly wouldn't leave DS2 in their care. I think you are buying into a hyped up moral panic more than anything else. Frank Furedi has written a book about 'paranoid parenting' that you might find helpful...

TheWildBeastofPontypandy Tue 21-May-13 20:14:21

OP, YABVU. In fact, I wonder if this is a wind up.

TheBreastmilksOnMe Tue 21-May-13 20:23:44

Both my children DS 4 and DD 2 go to nursery 4 days a week and the staff are lovely, my dd is a very affectionate + tactile child and wraps herself around her key worker who in turn tickles, cuddles + smothers her in kisses (on her cheeks and head) whilst she giggles + clearly loves it.

I love that she feels loved in and out of the home and would never have an issue with it.

I'm wondering if you are maybe feeling a touch jealous/ envious of the fact your child may be getting affection from another key person in their life. Which can be understandable but you really have to put your feelings aside and focus on what's best for your child. What harm can it possibly do? The risk of coldsores when there is no coldsore present is nil and wouldn't that need a kiss on the lips?

I do think you are worrying unecessarily and can do a lot of damage by complaining.

SoupDragon Wed 22-May-13 07:10:08

No sign of the OP since Monday night?

File me under U for Unsurprised.

Gunznroses Wed 22-May-13 07:31:58

How cold and calculating! So you stood there watching your dc keyworker slobbering (whatever that is) all over your dc and kissing him for 5 minutes, then he was handed back to you, you probably smiled and pretended to walk off happily with dc and said goodbye.

Then in a mad rage decided to report the keyworker (who probably adores your dc) for possible molestation just to ruin her or in your mind "help others" shock i don't think i've come across such an evil Plot in all my time on MN. What a nasty vindictive person you are.

I find this thread incredibly sad. It serves no purpose than to make everyone feel that showing and affection to a child is not seen as just being kind and caring but as being some kind of pervert.

It's impossible not to smile or tickle or blow raspberries or play with toddlers who are in your care. And even if its on a bus or train. And they talk to u , you can't not talk back. I've been hugged by many a random child that's sat next to me on a crowded bus. They have their whole lives to learn the world can be a dark scary place they don't need to learn that at two. Their mums are with them.

If the op has ever taken a friends child to school or been left with another child in the play ground cos the mums had to dash then she knows full well that even at school age and even when ur not their mum they still run up for that kiss and cuddle before they line up.

I hope nursery laugh it off because that poor woman's career is about to be ruined after this sad

GrandPoohBah Tue 28-May-13 16:45:46

For the record: you writing a letter to the nursery is not you changing things on behalf of those who are standing around doing nothing. You aren't doing anyone a favour, please do not delude yourself. This is you having an issue with something that is completely normal and the majority of people have no problems with, as demonstrated by this thread.

I'm presuming, given your preoccupation with child abuse, that you don't allow anyone beside yourself to be alone with your child? As the overwhelming majority of cases are people known to or within the family?

TheReturnoftheSmartArse Tue 28-May-13 16:48:07

I was delighted that all of mine were kissed and cuddled at nursery. I wasn't able to do so as much as I wanted during the week and I'm thrilled that they were loved and cherished.

insancerre Wed 29-May-13 17:40:11

Op, I am not normally this rude but as a nursery worker I just want to say do fuck off.
We are paid to CARE for your children. And that involves showing them affection.
As for policies about kissing children. That would only apply in the nursery. Or do you live your entire life sticking to your work's policies and procedures?
This thread has really wound me up- yes, I know it's probably all not true but still.

( Rant over, normal service resumes )

Morgause Wed 29-May-13 17:52:33

Magic69, listen to what people are saying. It is you who is out of step here.

You would be a total cow to complain about this lovely person who obviously cares very much about your child. It may well cause her to lose faith in herself and her job.

But you won't notice because your head will be too far up your arse to see what a nasty thing it is to do.

God help your poor DCs growing up with a cold woman who thinks only close family are allowed to show affection.

peskyginge Wed 29-May-13 17:54:21

OP you seem very fixated on sexual predators, it is more likely that any one who preys on kids will be a member of your family or extended family. While people have to be careful as parents you have to decide how tightly you wrap your DCs up, and if it worries you this much maybe you should not put DC in nursery - but at some point you will have to trust strangers with your DC.

I think the carer sounds lovely, I would speak to her directly first rather than complain but ultimately you seem very unhappy about this so maybe this nursery is not the right one for you and you should move your DC to a nursery which suits you better.

notcitrus Wed 29-May-13 18:08:44

What everyone else said, but really not getting why you need to make a formal written complaint - if you don't want your dc kissed, just tell the manager you don't like it and they can tell all the staff. Who will then probably cuddle him extra to make up for it. It's not this carer's fault she's not psychic!

Firsttimemummy33 Fri 31-May-13 17:32:42

I would love it, it shows a close relationship which is surely exactly what you want your child to have with someone who cares for them?

MummyOfSunbeam Fri 31-May-13 17:40:38

I agree with everyone else.

I would be ecstatic for such a carer!!!

OP you are totally strange.

Sarah1611 Mon 03-Jun-13 19:00:05

This is really sad :-( I'm a nanny and with each child I have cared for I haven't kissed and cuddled too much at the start, because you're just starting to get to know each other... but NOW! There's lots of kisses and cuddles all round! I wouldn't tend to in front of the parents out of respect but that certainly doesn't make it wrong. You haven't mentioned if she's a British carer- sometimes culture comes into it.

If I was complained to for kissing a child in my care I'd be mortified. Chances are I'd leave the job. For one thing, it's a risk that a Mother you work for thinks of you as a potential threat and a job isn't worth that. A nursery worker/CM/nanny's job is to play the Mother role in absence of the Mother. So ideally I would have thought that you want the carer to behave as much like you, with your child is possible? Do you not kiss your child? Children DO need kisses, hugs DO NOT surfice. What next- hand shaking?!

Everyone's right when they say your child will be treated differently because of it- he will. If you're that hung up on it pull him from the nursery and enroll him in a different one. It is not the carer at fault here and to accuse her of that is downright insulting.

debduck Mon 03-Jun-13 21:54:00

I would ask if the nursery has a 'kissing' or 'physical contact policy'. I would want to hear from you if you were uncomfortable tbh. It's useful, as a nursery leader, to have an opportunity to discuss these issues. There are limits and if you think a line has been passed then it should be discussed. Open and honest discussions are the way to healthy childcare. Personally I would pick up and kiss little ones that I know well and know are comfortable with it.

lizabeth0607 Wed 05-Jun-13 16:32:15

Imagine how she would feel being dragged into an office and hearing of this ridiculous complaint. It's pettiness like this that has stopped me from returning to my old job in a nursery. She obviously cares for your son, would you rather she didn't?

ReetPetit Wed 05-Jun-13 16:41:32

did you write your letter op? hmm

debduck Wed 05-Jun-13 20:32:13

secondary attachments are incredibly important to a child's development anywho.

MummyOfSunbeam Thu 06-Jun-13 15:30:12

I hope you didn't complain OP. sad and that if you do it doesn't make staff less loving to the OTHER kids, who need hugs and affection and warmth from their carers.

Xmasbaby11 Sun 09-Jun-13 22:38:12

I don't understand why you don't want your child to be shown affection. DD's carers kiss and cuddle her and say they love her. It makes me happy and DD loves it. Children can't have too much affection.

paperclips Tue 18-Jun-13 16:26:56

I do hope she didn't write that letter. DS is about to start nursery. He loves his cuddles and is a very friendly baby.

Nursery workers are not strangers. DS will be in nursery 3 days. He will be seeing far more of them, (all of them not just the key worker) than he sees close family like his grandparents, and of course his grandparent shower him with affection.

As for the germs thing! Really? Nursery is full of germs - don't worry the babies will be slobbering over each other and the toys.

BlackSwan Thu 20-Jun-13 05:38:40

I can see both sides. But let's not dress it up as fear of germs. It's fear of sexual predators. I have no problem with my child's carer being kissed or cuddled by his carers. But if one of them gave me the creeps, if I thought they were being weird about it, I would do something, say something to stop it. Straight away. When I was at preschool there was a male (not a nursery worker) who was very publicly affectionate with all the young kids, and no one seemingly thought it strange, though you would think someone should have twigged - he was a predator and is now in jail.

Banning people from being affectionate with kids isn't the answer. It won't save the kids from anything. But if your gut tells you something is amiss with a particular individual, then you have to do something about it.

CheeryCherry Thu 20-Jun-13 06:41:13

This is such a depressing thread sad Your child is well loved at nursery and you sound a bit...jealous? And you are confusing things by one minute saying she is the key worker, then the next saying she is just a carer there.
Be pleased he is being treated kindly.
Or move nurseries to one where they're kept at arms length.

minibmw2010 Sat 29-Jun-13 17:59:12

Clearly your child's room worker cares for them. Would you rather they showed no affection at all and your child was unhappy? Get over it.

fuzzpig Sat 29-Jun-13 18:25:42

What a depressing thread. And somehow I doubt the OP will be back to tell us how she gets on with her letter hmm

yamsareyammy Sat 29-Jun-13 18:36:39

There are 2 people on this thread who work with children.
I too know someone who works with children. And she has been told not to be too familiar, or something like that, cant remember the exact words.
Some companies do have policies about this.
Cant say I agree with it, but some do. And are strict about it.

yamsareyammy Sat 29-Jun-13 18:39:10

I think 5 minutes is excessive.
Very loving perhaps, but excessive.
I wouldnt complain to the office manager though.

yamsareyammy Sat 29-Jun-13 18:40:54

Now realised that this thread has been rumbling on for 5 weeks. And op appears to be long gone.

ReetPetit Sat 29-Jun-13 18:46:54

I very much doubt it was 5 minutes anyway yam - op's imagination appears to be a little 'overactive' to say the least hmm

Pancakeflipper Sat 29-Jun-13 18:47:36

Our nursery carers show lots affection but don't slobber.

I really appreciate them hugging and cuddling my DS's if they are sad or had a tumble. My DS2 is 4, he adores certain staff members and knows exactly who will help him, hug him, have a knee to sit on. To him it's another family with staff and other children and they are all part of his life.

I don't think it was 5 minutes of slobbering.

My DD is kissed by her key worker every morning. DD will go and give everyone a cuddle to say hello. I feel pleased she's so happy there and so well cared for and then I bolt for the door to enjoy my quiet morning

What a shame you can't see your DS is being looked after by a caring person.

TiggyD - you sound ace.

LynetteScavo Sat 29-Jun-13 19:08:34

If you were uncomfortable you should have taken hold of your DC and said "That's enough kisses for now."

I can't beleive you dind't do that.

To write a letter of complaint afterwards is just odd. You will greatly upset your child's key worker, who will be left wondering how much affection to bestow on your child, and my actually withdraw totally. Is that what you want from your child's key worker? Personally I think a quiet word with the key worker and the manager would be the best way to go. She may think you are a bit paranoid about germs, but while you have a good relationship she will probably respect your wishes.

notaverynicemum Sat 29-Jun-13 21:51:05

Did OP ever come back and update us with the nurserys response to her letter?

mrsyattering Sat 29-Jun-13 21:54:27

I cannot see the problem at all, our ds's key worker and nursery teacher would be lucky to escape my affectionate wee boy. He won't leave without a kiss ad a cuddle grin

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