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Feeling so guilty...baby at nursery 5 full days a week

(86 Posts)
London7 Thu 21-May-09 22:03:46

Hi, my one-year-old baby goes to nursery 5 days a week from 8am to 6pm. I'd love to be a stay-at-home mum but financially it is just not viable. I feel so guilty about leaving her at nursery for so many hours a day (it feels so wrong that somebody else will be doing all those things her Mummy does every day for her...) Anyone with the same dilemma?

elvislives Sat 23-May-09 15:21:12

I went back to work when my DD was 10 months old. For the first 5 months she went to nursery 2 full days, had 1 day at home with daddy and had 4 days with me. That was the ideal for me but it could only be temporary (we were lucky to be able to get a mortgage payment break, or I couldn't have done it at all).

Me and DH earn the same so cutting down or giving up work loses us a huge % of our income. With 3 older children at home we couldn't "downsize" from our 3 bed terrace. I think it's great that some people can do it, but just because you can doesn't mean other people's circumstances will enable them to do so. It's not a case of cutting out luxuries but losing the roof over our head.

DD has been in FT 8-4.30 nursery since she was 15 mo. She goes in with a smile every morning and is full of what she has been doing. I'd rather not have her in FT daycare but I'm happy with her nursery and the staff there.

foxinsocks Sat 23-May-09 15:59:23

are you new willow wink? I seem to agree with everything you say

ssd, for us and several other people we know, both dh and I work full time because neither of us can be sure enough that our jobs are going to be there in a year's time. Dh's job is far more fragile than mine and I daren't scale down my hours in case at some point, he gets made redundant and we desperately need the money (as we earn similar).

It's not always because of the lifestyle if you see what I mean .

blueshoes Sat 23-May-09 18:13:16

To pick up on a point VictorianSqualor raised earlier, IME children who attend ft nursery have a better chance of settling than those who attend part time. And I know lots of ft children, my dcs as well as their mates.

Both my dcs started at about 1 year old. Dd started pt, building up to ft at 17 months. Ds went in ft straight away because I was quite reassured about ft attendance from experience with dd.

There is a certain status from being a 'lifer'. Far from bothering my dcs, everyone knows them and they are immensely popular amongst children and carers, frequently recognised out and about in the community.

OP, I hope you are alright. Unless your baby is not settling, I don't think the long hours per se is anything other than an artificial construct in the minds of parents who don't feel comfortable with nursery to begin with (includes some nursery workers hmm).

For parents who use ft childcare to good effect, it is not an issue.

LupusinaLlamasuit Sat 23-May-09 23:42:48

Great post, blueshoes. smile

Can I just add, many of the parents that put their children into our care full-time were put into nursery too, and they have no issues, they are happy, secure adults with loving relationships with their parents which is why they are so secure in their choice.

If the OP ever comes back (which I'd like to think she would, even just to read if not to answer) I'd like to ask if she was at home with Mum when she was a child and that is possibly causing part of the guilt??

hf128219 Sun 24-May-09 07:12:42

This discussion could go on and on. Let me mention the forbidden phrase again: 'Happy baby, happy mummy'

or suggest a polish nanny?

willowthewispa Mon 25-May-09 21:51:54

foxinsocks - I've been around for a few months!

op - have you looked at some calculations on wages if you drop a couple of days? I only ask/ suggest it might be worth going through some figures because personally with my job I work two days a week, and found that if I was working full time, by the time I took the extra childcare and the tax into account, I come home with the same money for 2 days as if I was working five. try this tax calculatorAlso childcare vouchers will reduce the tax you pay too. Sorry if you have already tried this.

Lolasmummy1 Fri 14-Mar-14 08:58:15

I am in the same situation. I have had to back to work ft after maternity leave and have been refused pt hours. My daughter is in nursery from 7:30-5pm 5 days. I feel so guilty that I'm not doing everything for her, missing helping to develop her. I am missing all this precious time and feel horrible about it. I know that she's fine, but I'm not.

betty10k Tue 01-Apr-14 15:00:06

Hi Lolasmummy1 - my ds (20months) is at nursery 4 days a week 8am - 6pm and has been since he was a year old. Grandma had him 1 day a week but he will soon be going 5 days a week 8am - 6pm. They are long days but we have no choice, no family who can help regularly and we have to work to pay the bills.

My ds loves nursery - it was difficult in the beginning and i felt very guilty because he refused to eat and drink (very hot August last yr) - he was just being stubborn and would smirk when he pushed his beaker away. He quickly got over it and now he runs in doesn't say goodbye, he's straight off to the toys. Really likes his key worker but loves mummy and daddy more - i think we all worry they will replace us but they don't.

If i dwell on it i feel like you do but i can't afford to - Monday's are always a bit hard as we've had lots of time together over the weekend but it's only hard for me not for him. You will be okay. How long have you been back at work? Do you like your job?

Tanith Wed 02-Apr-14 07:51:07

I have a full time toddler with me (I'm a childminder) and she's been here since she was a baby. I know her mum was absolutely gutted at having to go back full time. I, too, feel very guilty that I look after her lovely little girl when I know she'd prefer to be at home with her.

Meanwhile, the child has no such worries smile
She has a great time with me and has bonded strongly, but I will never, ever be "Mummy". The appearance of Mummy or Daddy at the end of the day is always the same - she completely forgets about me and is delighted to see them.

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