Feeling so guilty...baby at nursery 5 full days a week

(86 Posts)
London7 Thu 21-May-09 22:03:46

Hi, my one-year-old baby goes to nursery 5 days a week from 8am to 6pm. I'd love to be a stay-at-home mum but financially it is just not viable. I feel so guilty about leaving her at nursery for so many hours a day (it feels so wrong that somebody else will be doing all those things her Mummy does every day for her...) Anyone with the same dilemma?

If people have no other option than to put their child in childcare whilst at work what should they do? Quit their job?

It might be that she spends more time at the nursery than some of the staff but the OP isn't HAPPY about them as it is!

MrsMattie Fri 22-May-09 18:12:49

I don't think this is the right thread for you toair your views, really@purepurple. Maybe save them for another thread.

London7, I have seen both sides of the fence, as I have been a WOHM and a SAHM (and now going back to working full time after nearly 5 years at home). I can honestly, honestly say that the main impact working/not working has had in our lives has been on me, not on my children. Children are flexible, adaptable little things. As long as they are receiving good care at nursery, there is no reason for you to feel guilty.

You must, of course, weigh up all the factors in your life. Your happiness, how you feel your little one is getting on and how much money you need to bring in to make it all work. If you are truly miserable at work, then maybe it is time to sit down and work out how you could do things differently.

But just don't feel that because you are working full time your little one is automatically suffering. I have not found this to be the case ^at all, with either my own children or the children of other working parents I know.

purepurple Fri 22-May-09 18:19:12

Op
I am sorry for making you feel guilty, it wasn't my intention.
As for the others, you are all perfectly entitled to your views, just as i am to mine, you just don't like what i have to say, doesn't make it any less valid.

nappyaddict Fri 22-May-09 18:25:00

Well looks like she's been scared off

purepurple Fri 22-May-09 18:30:18

And I'm handing in my notice tomorrow.
And I'm never going to post on mumsnet ever, ever again.

Pannacotta Fri 22-May-09 18:33:56

purepurple I do agree with you about the hours.
I also think that 8-6 is too long for a one year old.

OP if you feel really bad you could look at leaving work a bit earlier perhaps a couple of times a week to shorten the day for your DD.

juuule Fri 22-May-09 18:43:36

"If people have no other option than to put their child in childcare whilst at work what should they do? Quit their job?"

VS- that's what I did. We looked at what the minimum we could get by on and decided that it was a better option for me to sah.
Perhaps, if the op is so unhappy with the current situation she could see if there were other options - part time work, cut back expenditure?
Obviously, if there is no room for manouevre then the current situation will have to continue. However, the op could still look round for alternatives.

I also agree with purepurple that 50hrs a week in a nursery is more than ideal. If someone has no choice, then there's not much that can be done.

I have lots of sympathy with the op having been in a similar situation myself.

navyeyelasH Fri 22-May-09 18:54:14

Ok sorry but I'm sort of going to side with purple purple. I too am a childcarer and I used to do supply in nurseries before I decided to stop because I disliked how they were run. I have also met terrible nannies and awful childminders, so it's not a straightforward case of this is bad this is good!

You're child will not be psychologically damaged/upset/hate you/grow up to be weird etc etc going to a nursery 5 days a week. But there are better alternatives if you HAVE to work 5 days a week. Many parents are not aware of other childcare options.

Did you know for eg that % wise there are more outstanding childminders than outstanding nurseries and each setting has to jump through the exact same hoops. (Will try and find link of this if anyone is interested). Also ratios in a nursery are higher with carers often moving between rooms and with high staff turnover. As with anything in life you get bad eggs and good eggs - but if you look at it on a scale of probabilities a childminder will often provide a better setting. <awaits onslaught> When children are a bit older nurseries are just as good if not better than childminders because (for most children) at an older stage they are more interested in socialising rather than forming deep bonds with care givers <simplistic>.

Could you get a relative to do one day or 2 half days or something similar? Or have you considered a local childminder? Or if you can stretch to it a nanny or a nanny share?

Like I say putting your children in a nursery is totally fine, they will not suffer any long term devastating effects and certainly a child will always love their parents more than anyone else in the world so do not feel guilty about the choices you have made, you are not going out to party and have fn you are going to work to provide for your child.

Scarfmaker Fri 22-May-09 22:18:40

The poster has probably been scared off - from the beginning everybody has been on lyrasilvertongue and purepurple like a ton of bricks just for joining in with the discussion.

They gave some helpful advice like maybe collecting early or reducing hours.

London7 you are in the same position as thousands of other mums and hopefully reading the views of others in the same position will make you feel better.

Do the nursery keep you well informed about your baby's progress, daily activities, eating and sleeping routine. Worries about this can add to your anxiety.

Good luck for the future.

Because of course, the OP hadn't considered redusing her hours or anything, just went in blind and took on a full-time job willy-nilly.
Goodness knows why she's feeling the guilt eh? It's not like she has to do it, silly woman, just cut down your hours!
Oooooooooooooooooooooookaaaaaay.hmm

reducing*

MollieO, the OP said it wasn't financially viable to be a SAHM, she didn't say whether or not she'd considered part-time working. There may be things she can do to cut her hours and therefore also her guilt.

Oh I see Lyra - so only full time work outside the home mothers should feel guilty should they? hmm The less hours you work, the better job you're doing and the less guilt you should therefore feel?
Is that how it goes?

hmm

She said she was feeling guilty about the number of hours her child was at nursery. Therefore, if the child was at nursery fewer hours, she would feel less guilty.
It's really not a hard concept to grasp, northernlurker.

luvoneson Sat 23-May-09 00:06:02

Oh for god sake leave purepurple alone, she was only giving her opinion. Purpurple i'm always getting people having a go at me for not saying what they want to hear.
Now getting back to the point in question, I do feel sorry for London7 as she does not have a choice, that is what makes the situation worse, because she knows she HAS to go to work full time. I am fortunate to be in a position where i dont have to and quite frankly after reading this I do feel quite guilty. I wish you luck.

There are times and there a replaces to air views, to a mother who is obviously struggling with something she and her family feel must be done, is not that place. That is the only reason people (including myself) have picked up on purepurple's unnecessary posts that have probably just made the OP feel worse.

are places* stoopid space in the wrong place! grin

Plonker Sat 23-May-09 00:23:12

I think some of you are getting a little het up here. I don't think Purepurple was exactly scathing was she? I'm not saying the 'fact' was helpful, but she's hardly skinned the OP alive here has she?

Northernlurker - I actually think Lyra has a good point. She hasn't said that only full time work outside the home mothers should feel guilty - where have you drawn that from? She only pointed out that yes, less hours may equal less guilt. Lots of people (I have found) aren't aware of the option to ask work for reduced hours, or flexible working. These are just suggestions to try to help OP ...it doesn't mean she's getting slated ...

Why is everyone leaping on Purepurple and Lyra just for not doing the whole "there there" thing?

What they're saying is true. Those hours are just too much for a 1 year old. The reason the OP feels so guilty is because she must know this deep down.

There must be some sort of compromise the OP can reach for the benefit of her baby and her self. I refuse to accept this is categorically impossible.

Oh and I'm just about to quit my job rather than put dd in a nursery or with a cm for 4 days a week (employer wouldn't go lower than this).

Yes it will be very hard financially but these first few years of her life are irreplaceable and I want to be the one with her when she walks for the first time, says her first word etc not a cm/nursery worker.

I can't bear the thought of a nursery worker having these experiences/memories instead of me.

ssd Sat 23-May-09 07:25:19

I hope purepurple doesn't leave MN, all the posters who think leaving a young child in nursery all day is great hate hearing from someone who doesn't makethemfeellessguilty agree with them, but we need 2 sides to every arguement, it gets boring otherwise

purepurple Sat 23-May-09 07:38:28

thanks for the support
to the others, the truth hurts, doesn't it?

Bunny, you are so right, you will never get those years back.

spicemonster Sat 23-May-09 07:42:45

I love the way it's women without children or who have the luxury of being able to be SAHMs who are giving the OP a real kicking on this thread hmm

"There must be some sort of compromise the OP can reach for the benefit of her baby and her self. I refuse to accept this is categorically impossible." Bunny - that is a very blinkered statement to make.

Not all of us have the choice of flexible working or indeed a partner to support us while we devote every second to our offspring.

ssd Sat 23-May-09 07:44:43

purepurple, I've worked in childcare for years and I agree with you

as you know there are lots of mums out there who try to get you to make them feel better whilst dropping of their babies for a 10 hour stint at nursery, thats their choice, but they shouldn't expect us to hold their hand and say there there

ssd Sat 23-May-09 07:46:56

oh God "the luxury of being a SAHM"

trust me, when you stay at home with the kids and live on one crap wage the luxuries are long gone

if you have no partner and have to go out to work thats different

spicemonster - it's hardly a "luxury" to commit to no holidays, no meals out, no new clothes and a weekly food budget of £40 for 2 years now is it?

It's a choice that my DP and I have made for the benefit of our family.

Unless the OP is a single parent (which she doesn't state) then surely there must be some flexibility in her working arrangements?

Even if it's only as someone else suggest finishing a wee bit earlier a few days to have a bit more time with her dd.

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