Are my concerns reasonable or am I being a bit precious- different views on speaking to children

[evenhope]

DD went for her first settling-in session yesterday and I had to stay with her. The nursery staff are all lovely except one older woman I took an instant dislike to- turns out she's in charge of the baby room. It didn't help that I don't know what days I'm working yet (I'm negotiating 3 days at work instead of FT) and she got a bit funny with me, saying they'd kept a FT place for us. I can see it's annoying but she gave me my original application form to update and I'd written then TBA 2/3/5 days.....

She can't be all bad because one little boy climbed up on her lap for a cuddle and stayed there for almost the entire hour I was there.

BUT she called another baby (9 months) a thug, and although it was said in a jokey way (and I call my DD Monster) it didn't feel right in a childcare setting IYSWIM. She also seemed to be saying a lot of things to the children along the lines of "big strong boys and pretty (delicate) little girls".

Now I know that a lot of my views are totally at odds with most other peoples, and I would be very hard pressed to find anyone who shares them, so is this another area of compromise where I just have to accept that the consequence of giving my baby to someone else for long periods of time is that they do things differently?

We visited lots of nurseries and this one had the best vibe plus the children seemed happy and other people I work with have used it with no problems.

The crux of it is probably that as the time gets near I actually don't want to leave her, full stop. Short of winning the lottery or living in a tent I have no choice.

Do I say something or does it not actually matter much in the grand scheme of things?

[ILoveKarlKennedy]

Have you thought about a childminder?

[Kathyis6incheshigh]

I think you have to put up with it. I agree btw - that would annoy me (the sexism stuff especially) but good nurseries are not that easy to find.

[amidaiwish]

i wouldn't like it, but if you are happy with the nursery apart from that, and if the children seemed happy and content then i would stick with it.

you could mention it to the manager (not now, but casually at some point) just so it is raised by a parent.

how old is your DD? What age does she leave the baby room?

[amidaiwish]

oh and i'm always changing my nursery days depending on my work patterns. they hate it as i guess mine are using a place they could give to a ft child.

i don't care tbh, i'm paying a fortune. since DD started there they have had well over £40k from me

[evenhope]

There are various reasons I don't want a childminder, most of which probably make no sense, but coloured by the fact that my bf from when my other DCs were small is one...

CMs are also more likely to do the sexism stuff though, and can't give any more 1-1 than a nursery really.

[evenhope]

x posted.

DD is 8 months. I think they stay in that room until 2 years, so it's a long time

[KaySamuels]

CMs are also more likely to do the sexism stuff though, and can't give any more 1-1 than a nursery really.

Really?
Because my first thought as a cm was to be appalled at the nursery staff's sexist stereotyping.

[happystory]

I think you are feeling rather shaky generally about leaving your dd -anywhere.

No nursery is perfect, no-one will ever gel 100% with all the other adults but if your feeling is overall good, the management are good, their policies and Ofsted report good etc, I would stick with it.

I certainly wouldn't say anything to the nursery at this point

[Mummywannabe]

It must be hard leaving your little one, just a few thoughts from my experience:

• the older staff do tend to be less PC than perhaps newer trained staff, its not good and should be tackled but often what older staff lack in this area they more than make up in others (my opinion as a nursery manager)

• if she was a little funny when you mentioned about days, its because they have business to run and the places need to be filled to justify staffing salaries, sounds cold i know but thats the truth. It sounds like you are close to your start date (settling in sessions) therefore it would be hard to fill remaining days at short notice as most people plan a good few months in advance. In most settings you would be required to give one months notice to reduce days booked and if this overlaps your start date you would be expected to pay full time fees until the notice period had been seen through.

It might be that you always made your intentions to leave your Lo part time and if thats the case then she was out of order.

If i were you i would book some extra settling sessions and spend more time there to get a feel for how this lady interacts the rest of the time. Above all go with your gut instinct, my post really just wants to demonstrate the other side of the coin.

[Mummywannabe]

doh! just read that you put tba re: days on your original form so she was being a little unreasonable but they are most likely still facing the problems i described.

[MaureenMLovesmincepies]

I wouldn't want my dd going to a nursery where one of the staff members commented on other children at all, let alone being sexist or rude about them.

Bit odd that you should think that CM's are worse than nurseries. Have you actually visited any cms or are you just assuming that they are all the same? It might be worth thinking about it now.

[evenhope]

hatrick - only that most mothers I meet in RL locally do have very sexist/ traditional views, and CMs tend to be mothers

Maureen she didn't comment on the other baby- she said to him "you are a thug" because he threw a plastic brick at a radiator. I always understood (especially in paid cc situations) that if you said anything like this it would be "you are acting like a thug" labelling the behaviour not the child.

No we haven't looked at CM. As I said my friend is one and spends most of her days at the house round the corner from me with another CM. The thought of her bringing up my DD like she brought up her DSs makes me shudder. (Lots of TV and loads of screaming like a fishwife )

I don't like the idea that they are on their own with the children and no-one watching them. As I said it is probably totally irrational. I seem to have lost my marbles since having this baby.

Many thanks for all your replies. It does help get things into perspective.

[KaySamuels]

evenhope:

Please don't tar us all with the same brush - a good cm sees kids as individuals, works flexibly, has TV rules, and will be a loving key carer for your dcs until they start school. Just like nurseries being bad and good there are good and bad cms.

I hope you get your dd settled somewhere you are both comfortable with, and I agree you should do the settling in as gradually as you can for both of your benfits. Good luck

[MaureenMLovesmincepies]

Totally understandable that you should be precious - this is your little buddle of joy we're talking about! Please try to re-consider childminders though, we're not all like the ones you know!

And before you question how I am able to MN at this time of day, its because I only have one 8 yr old mindee today, who's sitting at the table next to me eating his dinner!

[KaySamuels]

I am done for the day! Earlier one mindee at nursery, and two asleep.

BTW I am the most precious mum I know so don't feel guilty, it's how nature intended it.

[ILoveKarlKennedy]

A few hours ago I walked to the Post Office with 3 mindee boys all pushing pink buggies. Not sure why you think we would be more sexist.

[evenhope]

Shame you don't all live near me

[stealthsquiggle]

evenhope - the specific comments etc I wouldn't worry about too much as while DD is so little she really won't absorb it - as others have said, those sort of views are more likely to be found in older employees but they have other benefits. It would worry me more in the pre-school team.

The problem is that she is in charge of the baby room and you (for whatever reason) don't like her. That really is an issue. How many staff are there in the baby room? Is there any chance of having a quiet word with the manager to amke sure someone else is assigned as DD's keyworker?

Otherwise I would say still give it a chance. I really disliked at first meeting the team leader in the preschool room of DS's nursery, but didn't move him because he had been there so long by then - she mellowed a lot as DS and I got to know her, and it was the right decision not to move him.

[evenhope]

There were 4 in the baby room yesterday. I think there are others because they aren't all FT. We've got another session Thursday so I'll find out then.