Is it wise to put a 15 month old in nursery if sibling no.2 on the way soon?

[bigbadmom]

I am trying to settle my 15 month old DD in nursery five mornings a week so that I can do some work before number two arrives in April. She is doing okay but exhibiting the usual adjustment problems - clinginess, tears when I come back (but not when I drop her off), possessiveness around other children and unwillingness to share her toys (at home) with anyone.

I work for myself and my work is unpaid so it's not crucial that my daughter goes to nursery - it is more that I enjoy my work and would love a chance to do a bit more of it before the madness starts again - night feeds, disrupted sleep etc. But I'm concerned that she'll find the change of nursery (she's only been with a babysitter sporadically up until now, for a few hours here and there when I have to go out on my own) plus the change of a new baby too much - and will end up as an insecure toddler.

I was raised by a 70 year old nanny, had a mum with PND, got moved from school to school and had an eating disorder by the age of 16 - so I am probably a bit over-cautious when it comes to my DD - but I'd love a bit of advice on what to do in this situation! I could always wait and then get a live-in au pair once number two comes along to help with the housework and take them both off my hands occasionally. My priority is my daughter's happiness. Please tell me if I'm being WAY too over-analytical here! Am confused! Thanks, Big Bad Mom.

[wrinklytum]

To be honest I think that you are doing the right thing preparing her before the baby arrives.For your own sanity if nowt else!!!!I kept up ds nursery when dd born (though he only went 2 days per week) and it was a godsend as it gave me some valuable time with just dd.It will also enable your dd to socialise with others her own age and she will enjoy nursery once she gets used to itIt is awful leaving them isn't it?Or as a compromise could you send her maybe 3 days a week instead of a full week or something like that?Good luck with no 2 xxx

[bigbadmom]

Thanks wrinkly tum - I thought about two days a week but (again, being the paranoid wreck I am) I was concerned that the five day gap between sessions would make it harder for her to settle. If she did five mornings my logic was that she'd have a little routine going, and be home for her nap in her own cot each day. But I am a first-time mum and a completely neurotic one at that!

Anyway - thanks for the brilliant advice! I am stewing over this one badly so it's absolutely great to get your perspective and hear that it worked for you. The staff have said that she's settling really well, and she's only done three days so far (with me in the parents room next door) so it's very early days. YES it's awful leaving them and it's quite weird to see their little personalities change, if only in the short term.

Did you have number two in nursery as well, then? Thanks xx BBM.

[morocco]

i tried it with ds1, i wasn't working, he was 17 months, hated it and it makes me now that i did it. it didn't work for us and we soon settled into a nice routine at home all 3 of us. he wasn't ready and the imminent arrival of baby made it more unsettling for him. have you read biddulph? i agree now with his ideas on childcare/ages. thats just how it (didnt) work for us

[wrinklytum]

No 2 was in nursrey ,but dp poorly and so we are skint and I have had to take her out.Also she has sn,so it was a bit of a downer seeindg her peers progressing so much more quickly.(She loved it there though.)

FWIW I would persevere,with dd as it has only been three days but if after a month or so she really hasn't settled have a rethink.I really did live for the days with just 1 to contend with but maybe just cos dd was a high maintenence baby and a very poor sleeper when a tiny one!!!

[bigbadmom]

No I haven't read Biddulph - haven't even heard of him to be honest, must check him out. Yes, I can see that it's really hard. How long did you do it for with your DS1, Morocco? Do you think it had a lasting impact on him?
Thanks StarlightMcKenzie...I'm tempted to agree with you, but common sense kind of tells me that the radical changes at home are all part of being a baby and maybe it's a necessary (if bloody tough!) time for mum and baby number 1 - adjusting to the new addition, as a family...aaaaaarrgh it's so hard, I really am confused on this one!

[bigbadmom]

Oh, that sounds a bit tough Wrinklytum I hope you are okay?
Very grateful for the advice - think I will persevere as you suggest, she's a bright kid and loves the stimulating environment (when she's not wailing!). It's so important as well to bond with number two isn't it, and to have a bit of time alone? I guess in old big extended families the grannies and aunts would step in to look after the toddler so that mum could bond with the baby. Also I am wondering how the heck I am going to breastfeed n.2 when I had nightmares with it first time around and ended up with DD glued to my breast 24 hours a day as she was growing so fast I couldn't keep up on the food supply! She's way off the growth charts now and trippled her weight by the age of 1, up to six months she was exclusively breast-fed, if the next one is at all similar in terms of sheer enormity then there's no way I can breastfeed til six months with DD clamouring for attention as well! So nursery would work pretty well from that point of view...
Last question - five mornings or three full days?
Thanks everyone x

[morocco]

i'm a neurotic parent btw if that gives you any insight? and bizarrely as this seems the opposite of what i'm saying, I worked pt from ds being 5 months but had a good friend look after him at my home. nursery was supposed to give me a break/time with ds2. i tried it twice at one nursery before ds2 was born, few weeks each time. so ds1 about 15 months. tried for a few weeks but he didn't want to go in/cried etc. then again when he was 2 for a few months at different place. he remembers that and tells me he felt very sad = can describe it vividly. but at the time he seemed relatively ok about it.
biddulph is v interesting, young children in nursery can seem ok but test v high for stress etc, worth a read.

[wrinklytum]

BBM,Whatever you do having a sib is bound to change her little world.From personal experience all I can say is that the first few weeks were pretty crap with me thinking "Oh Christ what have I done".Then it all got better!Now mine are nearly 4 and nearly 2 and absolutely adore each other.DS is so protective of dd.The other day I was trying to tell him that dd was not quite like other children,as her SN are becoming more evident and he just went "I love XXXXX shes my little sister" and I cried buckets!!!She shuffles up to him and flings her arms round him and laughs at him.Aaah.It is lovely having 2,though tiring at first.Enjoy it!!!!

[bigbadmom]

Thanks all you lovely mums! I will definitely read Biddulph (probably whilst in the parents room at nursery, ironically, as I have to sit there for ages at the mo!)...and either way, what's great is knowing that I've got the whole sibling thing to look forward to. Wrinklytum that is too adorable about your DS. When they display that sort of affection it must be extraordinary and make all the hard work worthwhile! And that's so nice that DS is protective as well.
I am a bit concerned that my DD will be a bit like your DS Morocco, also I had such a time of it when I was little, moved three times (school wise) between the ages of 5 and 7 and didn't have a mum to drop me off or pick me up or chat to in the evenings...I know that this informs my perspective far too much but I could never forgive myself if I see my little one unhappy like I was, coz it's caused me so many problems with self-esteem issues since. I am now a total neurotic home-lover and not remotely 'out there' like my confident friends, even though I got good grades am perfectly capable etc...a good upbringing is so valuable isn't it?
Anyway enough of me whittering on - Wrinklytum you've got me all excited about number two!

[bigbadmom]

Thanks all you lovely mums! I will definitely read Biddulph (probably whilst in the parents room at nursery, ironically, as I have to sit there for ages at the mo!)...and either way, what's great is knowing that I've got the whole sibling thing to look forward to. Wrinklytum that is too adorable about your DS. When they display that sort of affection it must be extraordinary and make all the hard work worthwhile! And that's so nice that DS is protective as well.
I am a bit concerned that my DD will be a bit like your DS Morocco, also I had such a time of it when I was little, moved three times (school wise) between the ages of 5 and 7 and didn't have a mum to drop me off or pick me up or chat to in the evenings...I know that this informs my perspective far too much but I could never forgive myself if I see my little one unhappy like I was, coz it's caused me so many problems with self-esteem issues since. I am now a total neurotic home-lover and not remotely 'out there' like my confident friends, even though I got good grades am perfectly capable etc...a good upbringing is so valuable isn't it?
Anyway enough of me whittering on - Wrinklytum you've got me all excited about number two!

[bozza]

April is ages away at 15 months - virtually a 1/3 of her life. I would say now is a good time.

[wrinklytum]

It is lovely.In the first few months if you are having a bad day just repeat the mantra "It will get better" x 10000,then one day you will start enjoying it and realise it actually IS better!!!I am also a homelover,deffo not a mover and shaker,and would not have it any other way xxxxYou sound like a lovely person and am sure that will stand your dcs in good stead for the future.xxxxxx

[Bubble99]

I like the idea of her playing at nursery in the morning and then coming home for a nap. It sounds as though she's settling well especially as she's only done three mornings so far. As bozza says, April is a long way off and I think, as others have said, she'll enjoy having her nursery routine once the baby arrives.

IMO you should take Biddulph with a pinch of salt. From what I can see he makes no distinction between good and bad nurseries and also seems to like creating big headlines just before releasing his books.

[bigbadmom]

Thanks guys. The majority of you (okay, well, three of you at least) definitely seem to think it's a good idea. And the morning / nap thing means that she does get afternoons with me, anyway - to be honest, compared to a lot of working mums I'm so lucky anyway compared to loads of mums who have little choice in when their child attends nursery.
Maybe I'll give Biddulph a miss for now....
Thanks again Wrinklytum, Bubble99, Bozza and Morocco, your advice is invaluable and stopped me from stewing on my own on this one...My DP is typically 'whatever you think is best' on the whole thing...! So it's great to get some first-hand feedback.