A bit unhappy with the nursery - am I being too sensitive?

[IdreamofClooney]

Please can someone give me some perspective on this? I am upset but not sure if it is just me being to sensitive.....

DS's Dad and I split up in March. Ex used to drop DS at nursery and collect him (as it saved on fees as DS was in for shorter sessions). When we split up the agreement was that Ex would continue to pick up DS (at 3.30) and that he would look after him on his two days off (wed and thurs).

However, within a few weeks Ex had already not turned up to collect DS three times on his days off so I had to put DS into nursery.

Ex is now collecting DS at 3.30 on MOnday and Tues and at 11.45 on Wed and Thurs - I pay for the nursery so am pretty fed up to be paying while Ex is in bed!

Ex called on thursday to say he was going to be late to collect DS so could I phone the nursery (of course he doesn;t have their number and I'm not busy at work so no problem).

When I called the nursery they told me taht Ex was always late to collect DS and that I sould extend his sessions to 3.45 and to 12.

I am very pissed off at this. No one said anything to Ex, they tell me and expect me to sort it out.

I explained that extending DS's session would not help as EX would still be 15 mins late.

Despite me having explained the situation clearly to the nursery manager with regard to Ex's days off she seemed to think he was being held up at work

Am I being to sensitive about this? It makes me feel quite angry that the nursery only speak to me about problems - even when the issue is purely Ex's fault. Surely they should have addressed the issue of Ex being late with him. The manager was going on about how his lateness was cuasing staffing problems for her as she ended up with too many children for the ratios as Ex was late.

I just don;t understand why she waited five months then brought it up with me.

So basically Ex was swanning in with his "superdaddy" act and they were all smiles with him then give me a hard time.

[oranges]

Its unfair on you, but if you pay the nursery and are ds's main carer, I can see why they feel its an issue to raise with you. The problem seems to be your ex being shoddy more than the nursery being unfair. Can you ask him to pay some fees?

[MrsPuddleduck]

I agree with you.

If he is late then the nursery should take it up with him at the time, not tell you afterwards.

[fluffyanimal]

I think you're partially being a bit sensitive because it is still obviously painful dealing with the consequences of the break-up. But you also partially have a point, however the nursery also has a point.

From the nursery's point of view, they have to be strict about ratios and the right payment for the length of session etc - I'm sure you're happy to accept that. Maybe they feel that as you have main custody of your DS, and as you pay the bills, all queries should be handled by you. I would think it quite reasonable for them to assume that, and I'm sure it's not a case of them thinking he's "superdaddy" and you're in some way less than "supermum". Maybe they also thought that you might be aware of the lateness issue.

Can you just explain that relations with your ex are rather delicate and could they direct such queries to him? Although you probably will have to do some negotiating with your ex if the implications are that you are made to pay more for childcare. Good luck!

[Scoobi6]

I'd be very with ex. Tell him if he wants your ds in nursery on his days off, he can pay for them. And if he's late for pickups, the nursery should charge him accordingly! I wouldn't be too annoyed with nursery but make it clear it is ex's responsibility on those days and they should discuss any problems with him and chase him for late fees etc.

[IdreamofClooney]

I am already v angry with ex as he behaves like an over grown teenager and refuses to accpet responsbility for anything yet because he looks after DS four afternoons a week he gets to act like he's totally right on. IT makes my blood boil as I have all of the worry and stress and he swans in to collect him late and no one bats an eyelid.

I immediately apologised to the nursery for the inconvienience caused by ex and siad that I would speak to him but I really think the way they handled it is most unfiar.

Why on earth did they not say anything to him on one of many occassions he was late? Surely that would make more sense than not saying a word then brining it up with me?

Getting money out of him is like blood and stones - I have ask constantly as soon as pay day comes as the sooner I ask / beg the more likely I am to get cash before he spends it all. HE owes me hundreds of pounds and refuses to pay for the morning sessions as he feels that is MY choice, even though I am only puttinig DS into nursery on his days off as he is incapable of getting out of bed !

I just feel let down by the nursery really - I feel that the manager had forgotten details that I had discussed with her which doesn;t bode well so I;ve now put it in writing for her. It is poss that Ex was rushing in on his days off and claiming to have been at work as obviously not cool to be late to pick up your son as you;ve been in bed till mid day!

[cluelessnchaos]

I would be furious with him, but I think the nursery are doing the right thing in speaking to you, you pay the bills and any communication should be through you, even though it makes it difficult for you. Is it possible that they have had the coversation with him and he has just made excuses about work, therefore giving them no choice but encourage you to extend the sessions, btw I think it is fantastic that you can hold it together to allow your ds to be cared for by his dad, dont know what the solution is maybe extend the session but don tell ex, or tell ex that the session is now shorter and needs to arrive 15 mins earlier.

[newlifenewname]

My dc first nursery - the one they went to when I first separated from DH, now ex dH - had a policy of charging by the quarter hour for any period of lateness. If you could ask your nurdsery to consider billing your ex like this might that msake him wake up to his responisbilites?

Really though, I think you need to do whatever it takes to stop relying on him. This is something I learned as part of divorcing my DH and it was a lesson well learned. It can cost you financially but is terribly liberating. The big PLUS is that the dc start to feel they have some stability and reliability agian.

[Dropdeadfred]

Can you drop ds round to your ex instead oh him coming to get ds from nursery?

Also get on to the csa straight away!

[Jzee]

From what you have said the impression I get is that the nursery is dealing with you because they maybe feel you are the more reliable and responsible parent. They already know that your ex has been late for collection on a number of occassions so I doubt they really feel he is 'supper daddy' -probably far from it Super git perhaps!I wouldn't take it too personally that they are talking to you more, as from my experience nurseries tend to discuss issues with the mum more than the dads not sure why this is the case though?

[IdreamofClooney]

Thanks everyone, I am just feeling very hard done by at the moment!

I am trying to maintain access for DS's sake - he loves his Daddy to bits and I am sure that EX loves DS (sadly just not enough to get out of bed in the morning to go and collect him) so even though it makes things very complicated I go along with him collecting DS.

Just fed up that Ex seems to breeze about being as unreliable as ever and I have to deal with the fall out.

I have siad to the nursery to give it two weeks and if there is no improvement after me talking to ex then I will extend DS's sessions by 15 mins, but not tell ex obviously so he won;t actually be late even though he is IYSWIM.

It is just very frustrating as I have all of the worry and stress of having a child and he gets all of the good bits - gets to pick him up from nursery with his bag and lunch packed etc and retruns him to me filthy and with the pack lunch bag full of yogurt for me to clean etc etc.

Life is so unfair sometimes!

Thanks for responding

[nurseryvoice]

had a similar scenario. Mum and Day split up mum paying fees and trying to get money out of dad. kept being really late with fees and we had to keep threatening to withdraw place.
in the end we all mutually decided that we would do 2 invoices one for each of them for the days the child attended that they were paying for, therefore each parent had responsibility for those fees and those days.

incidently why do they only charge up til 330pm? do they have a short day system??

[Pollyanna]

I have a similar situation. dh picks dd3 up from nursery but is often late - nursery always phone me, even though I cannot get there as I am on the train back from work. It is annoying, but I really think the issue is wiht your ex being late not the nursery (as it is with me - my dh needs to sort himself out).

[IdreamofClooney]

nursery voice
The nursery charges by the hour so I only pay for the time DS is there.

I think that if Ex were to pay the nursery then my tax credits would go down - although I need to calculate it properly as may be better that he actually pays something on time!

Thanks for the responses am just so fed up and I know I shouldn;t take it out on the nursery but I would have hoped they would have been a bit more supportive rather than giving me yet another thing to stress about while Ex breezes about lettign everyone down as usual.