Help, 6 month old starting nursery, feel so guilty

[columbolover]

Hi, hoping someone can give me some reassurance / support!

My 6 month old ds is starting nursery 3 days a week from end of next week when I go back to work.

He's been for a practice session for a couple of hours (that's as long as I felt I could leave him) and is going for a half day this week. While he didn't cry last week he did seem a bit bewildered and quiet when I went back for him.
He does like and seem interested in my friends children and my niece and is fine when I leave him occasionally with his grandparents for a couple of hours, but its the thought of leaving him with strangers who might not even speak much too him!

The nursery seems good enough, but I think ds is the youngest in the baby room. I feel such a bad mum and worried sick that he'll think I've abandoned him and don't want him anymore.. I know this must sound really irrational, and I'm not usually like this(!)

Has anyone else had experience of putting their tots in nursery this early? Am I doing the wrong thing? Is it going to be psychologially damaging for him.. I keep reading stuff that says its not good for babies this young to be in childcare (and certainly not nursery!)but I've no other option at the moment. DH is trying to be supportive but doesn't really seem to understand. Are all men like this?!

I think I need to hear some success stories if you know what I mean, how others have coped, how your babies have coped or even just a bit of moral support as I'm feeling really down about it.

Sorry this is so long and rambly xx

[BirdyArms]

My ds1 was in nursery 3 days a week from 6 months and has been absolutely fine - he's 2.5 now and is a normal, happy, very sociable toddler. The advantage of putting them in this early is that you probably won't have problems with him being separated from you, I think that clinginess generally starts more around the 9 month mark. I do think that nurseries maybe aren't the best for babies, ds1 didn't sleep very much when he first went and was an exhausted little bundle when I picked him up some days which did upset me. However you can be fairly sure that they are safe and it does get better. From a year he slept really well there and from 18 months I thought that he positively enjoyed being there and socialising with the other children. Going back to work is a really stressful time, I am just about to do it for the second time, and I think where ever you were leaving him you would probably worry. I'm sure that he will be fine.

[LucyJones]

I had the exact same experience as Birdyarms - my ds went at 5 months. He is 3 years now and asks to go on stay at home days!

[Drinkypops]

I went back to work when my dd was 6 months, and left her with a childminder. I felt the same as you, but don't fret! My dd loves going, I think it is the interaction with the other children. She settled in straight away, and I don't even think she misses me (well not as much as I miss her!)

Don't feel down about it, your ds will be fine.

[columbolover]

Thanks very much, I'm starting to breathe a sigh of relief already! Its so good to hear something positive.

I never realised how overwhelming your feelings get once you have a baby!!

Going to keep fingers crossed all goes well and accept there may be teething problems to start with.

Thaks again for your support xx

[MightyMoosh]

its very rare ive met a parent who didnt feel guilty over leaving child-and ive met a lot, uesd to work at hotel nursery, different charges every day. all parents feel guilty.

[RubySlippers]

much harder on you than your baby!
DS went into nursery at 6 months old and he loves it
if the staff are kind and caring, and you are confident in the nursery then your DS will be great
wait until he brings home his first picture - you will be a gibbering wreck

[scarletphoenix]

DS started full time 5 days a week at 5 1/2 months and is now 2 years. I have had bouts of guilt throughout but he has thrived and become a very happy sociable and fun little chap.

I think there are pros and cons of whatever arrangement you make whether it be, giving up work ( if you can)childminder, family or nursery. I did not have the option to stop working , nor to be honest did I want to, and nursery felt like the right option and has turned out to be just that

Good luck

Scarlet

[stealthsquiggle]

DS went (to a Jigsaw (now Leapfrog) nursery)5 days a week from 4 months, DD 4 days a week (to a small local not-for-profit nursery) from 6 months.

Remember he won't be the youngest for long at all. DD is now 10mths and definitely not "the little one" any more (in fact she is trying to remove herself from the baby room altogether )

DS is nearly 5 - is sociable, reasonably confident (went through v. shy stage but nothing to do with nursery) and had bouts of not wanting to go (mostly change of room/carer) but on balance 90+% of the time he was happy to go to nursery and happy to come home - as is DD now - which I take to be a sign that the balance is about right.

There is no easy answer, but if the nursery (and particularly the baby room carers) are good it can work really well.

[scattyspice]

I could have written the same Colmb, 3 1/2 yrs ago when my first started nursery.

Now he's finished nursery and is looking forward to starting school.

He hasn't turned out to be psychopathic / reclusive. He is confident and sociable.

My advice is, remember that you are working for the long term benefit of your family and if you are at all unhappy with his nursery or how he copes don't be afraid to review the decision and try something else (horses for courses).

[glucose]

Our nursery is fab, our dd is surrounded by other people her age to keep her occupied I wish she had gone sooner! My DH never seems to understand anything I am worrying about, and sometimes seems to be just about listening, they are all like this - hopeless!
You are not irrational, I think I was given this pill when I gave birth that made sure I felt totally inadequate as a parent
Good luck, enjoy work

[fedupwasherwoman]

Your ds should get used to the fact that you will always come and get him so he will not be worried about being left and you will hopefully miss out on the problems that starting nursery can cause when they are older and more prone to separation anxiety.

I've used a nursery from a very young age for both of my children and I looked at lots, bribed my way onto the waiting list of the one I felt was the best and badgered them until I got ds in. I firmly believe that it's attention to detail and loving care/ excellent communication with parents that makes all the difference between good childcare and bad, not whether it's a nursery/nanny/childminder.

The staff at the nursery I use seem to know about all the children and there are about 70 in total. Staff and children exchange hugs all the time, it just seems to be a happy place with the opportunity to do lots of different fun things and this gives me the confidence to work without feeling guilty.

Don't feel guilty but do keep your eye on the nursery with the odd unannounced/odd time of the day visit if you can. It's amazing how forgetful I am about letting them know about an early pick-up so I can see what happens outside of drop off and pick-up times

I went to work and cried on the first day I left ds there and did exactly the same when I left ds2 there so the initial separation bit obviously doesn't get better with experience.

[glucose]

I have found that it helps to trust and respect the nursery staff, they have pleanty of experience. I don't check up on them. I take part when they arrange something for parents to take part in, and provide stuff for projects. What would worry me if the nursery suddenly had a high turn over of staff for no apparent reason, this could suggest that all is not well

[poppysocks]

I had similar feelings when I went back to work when DD was 8 months. She was at the clingy stage by then and howled and howled when I tried to leave her for the trial sessions. By the time my start date had come around I was a nervous wreck about leaving her. However, I knew she would get good care there and that there was no alternative for us.

She did cry when I left her for the first 6 weeks or so, but I had to pass under the window as I went out and rarely was she still crying by then even. All for my benefit!

Now, 9 months on, she waves me off in the morning and I love watching her before she sees me when I go to pick her up as she happily ambles around the place playing with the other children.

It did take her a while to settle down, but she's absolutely fine now and she's getting things from being with other children that she wouldn't get from home. Plus lots of artsy craftsy stuff that I'm useless at.

[columbolover]

Hi thanks for all your reassurance, I'm going to repeat it to myself mantra like for the next few weeks!

ds has been for 2 half days now and seesm to have possibly enjoyed himself - well, was watching the other children and playing happily and no tears. Going all day for 3 days a week from end of this week so hopefully all will be fine!

Someone I only met once the other day asked me who was going to look after ds, and when I said nursery she said "poor thing, but it can't be helped"

Why are other people, even strangers so intereted in your childcare and then feel entitled to tell you their opinion about how to run your life and make you feel more guilty?! Its so annoying! I was too stunned to make a reply but if any of you have any one liners that I can use to defend myself I would love to hear them!
I should have said "who cut your hair,you poor thing" or some other such insult but I'm not generally that rude, (though I could learn quickly!) and you know what its like, you always dream up a stinging remark far too late.

[scattyspice]

How rude .

I think nurseries (and childminders) have changed alot. Sometimes people have outdated views.

[SydneyB]

Columbolover, DD, now nearly 9months, has been in nursery 4 days a week for about 2 months now. She seems very happy there, her keyworker adores her and she gets kisses and cuddles from everyone and it seems to have a very loving atmosphere. The majority of the time I pick up a happy, albeit tired, DD. However, that doesn't stop me feeling really guilty about leaving her - I don't think that will ever go away - but I have to work and its the best care we could find. The other day her keyworker was off sick and apparently she was really unsettled all day and I found that really upsetting. But then, we've had days at home together when she's been upset for one reason or another. There'll be good days and bad days but you do your best and I do think that the 'nursery is bad for little ones' message you're always hearing is a generalisation. There are good nurseries and bad nurseries, good childminders and bad childminders etc. At least at nursery I am absolutely certain she is safe and properly cared for. Now, this is long and rambly! But I guess my message is that nursery is working for us so far so I guess that's a 'success story'! Good luck

[katewilson13]

Columbolover: my DS went at the same age as yours - and now loves it. First week was very hard - he was a bit bewildered and seemed to cry a lot on and off during the day. Second week he cried until I got to the gate, and third week until I got to the door. From week 4 onwards he's barely even noticed that I'm there! And he loves it. Nursery have been brilliant - he eats loads more solids there and his movement and co-ordination have really come on. He has access to loads more toys and different stimuli; and the nursery have proved to be brilliant at anticipating when he needs a nap/bottle/dummy etc. I can't believe that I worried about it so much - but then that seems to be a mum's lot...a constant round of worrying and fretting.

[LittleMissLate]

My dd (8.5 mths) has just been for her settling in visits at nursery and apart from crying when handed over has been fine (and even given some of the staff her gorgeous smiles). I went to pick her up this afternoon and she was happily sitting, completely absorbed in a toy - as soon as she saw me her face crumpled and she started to cry - apparantly a normal reaction!!!

I feel much happier now we have actually started but was really nervous beforehand about how she was going to be - I think she is going to settle just fine - she ate some lunch and had a nap there today and the staff have been very caring and lovely with her.

Others from my NCT group whose babies started nursery closer to 6 mths have said that their babies love going now.

I'm sure your ds will settle okay and he won't be the youngest for long!

[Foxey]

My dd went at 3.5mths 4 days a week (there is always some guilt) but dd loves it and to be honest she has really thrived there, dd is a boisterous little girl who loves all the activities. I think nurseries are great for little ones, no telly to be sat in front of (which apparently slows language ability in the under 3's),lovely garden and lots of friends, a well balanced diet, tons of toys, songs, books activities and a structured plan of development for them. I am often surprised at what she is starting to do before I think she is capable eating, singing songs, drawing etc. Really quite impressive.

[gillhowe]

Colombolover - people make rude comments about my DS not going to nursery (spoilt, clingy, wont know how to interact, shame he wont get to do foot painting (!?) etc etc) so I wouldn't worry too much about that, people just say stupid stupid things.

Hope that it goes well, I'm sure he will love it.