Telling a child to hit back

(13 Posts)
shufflebum Thu 31-Dec-15 09:32:54

My son is at preschool, small setting. He is the oldest child there, he was 4 in September. At home he is quite challenging but at preschool is a fairly model child! However he is singled out by another boy and often hit and pinched by him.
The staff don't really have a handle on his behaviour, SENCO have been involved but say no additional needs. My issue is that the staff have told me that they have told my son to hit back when he is picked on as they think it will stop him!
This goes against everything I have told him and has led to further challenging behaviour at home as he thinks it is okay to hit his older brother.
Am I right in thinking Ofsted would be very against this?

ThenLaterWhenItGotDark Thu 31-Dec-15 09:36:48

Really?
I would complain about that and the fact that they are giving you information about another child in that way.

KingJoffreyLikesJaffaCakes Thu 31-Dec-15 09:40:01

They sound lazy.

It's their responsibility to protect him, he shouldn't need to protect himself.

I'd move him. They can't be arsed to look after him properly.

LurcioAgain Thu 31-Dec-15 09:40:51

Blimey that's terrible advice on the part of the school. And instructions that come with the stamp of school authority can be incredibly hard to shift at this age (as I know in connection with a different issue). I realise that if you're outside a large town, or even in a town but one where school places are oversubscribed, this may not be possible, but I'd be looking for a different school. And when it comes to choice of primary school I'd make pastoral care policies/anti bullying policies top of the list of priorities.

shufflebum Thu 31-Dec-15 09:56:25

That's good to know I'm not being precious! It's slightly tricky (sorry for drip feed) in that it's in the grounds of the primary school that he will go to and where his brother goes. It's the unofficial feeder preschool and they do alot of integrated activities with reception to prepare the children for school.
I am also co chair of said preschool so have a different head on to look at the situation as well as being involved with my child! Plus the staff and I all live in a very close village community so have to tackle this sensitively.
I have no concerns regarding the primary school as Ds1 is there and I wouldnt want to move ds2 from the preschool as bar that issue he is very happy. He used to go to another nursery as well but asked to stop going there and just go to preschool, I have said would he like to go back to nursery, the only other local option and he said no.

insancerre Thu 31-Dec-15 14:20:52

I work in a preschool and would never tell a child to hit back
Agressin is not the way to deal wit aggressive behaviour
We tell the victim to use their words instead of hitting back, to tell the aggressor they don't like being hit
We help the aggressor to deal with their emotions by using their words, to talk it through instead of lashing out
Children need to be taught how to handle their feelings. Its the job of the preschool staff
They don't sound very good if they are resorting to telling children to retaliate
They are failing both children
I'm also veery shocked that you know this chikdhas been referred and the outcome.

Littlefish Thu 31-Dec-15 15:27:57

Ask for a copy of their behaviour and/or anti-bullying policy. They absolutely should not be telling your ds to hit back.

One would hope that the behaviour policy is in line with the one in place in the primary school.

If the pre-school has good links with the primary school, then I would consider having a conversation with the Head or deputy of the primary school, or head of EYFS about your concerns.

Sallyhasleftthebuilding Thu 31-Dec-15 15:35:52

They havent told DS to hit baxk though they`ve said to OP - it wibt be policy but a flippent remark.
DD was hit cobstantly by a boy in nursery - I told her to whollop him - he stopped - some kids dont understand words!!!
Guess what - he started to hit someone else....

00100001 Thu 31-Dec-15 15:44:35

To be fair, there is a point when hitting back will actually work. Kids in groups "jostle" for position and sort themselves bingo a hierarchy of sorts. The hitting child is trying to dominate, if some lashes out, he'll stop as the victim then becomes a potential equal of superior. So, more often than not, the initiator will back down.

Were all a bit feral really.

It happens with adults too, just we tend not to hit and have keanrt more subtle ways if asserting ourselves and finding our "place" I'm society. But at 4 they won't have those skills, so sometimes aggressive retaliation is the only way to go.

IsItMeOr Thu 31-Dec-15 15:49:39

I am very concerned about the level of info you appear to have about this other DC. Unless you have heard it only directly from the DC's parents, then I think it is extremely poor practice.

BooOzMoo Thu 31-Dec-15 15:50:52

Is this a pre-school in Suffolk?

IsItMeOr Thu 31-Dec-15 15:53:58

If there are SEN involved, I would not bet on being able to predict how a child would react to being hit back.

At that age, DS would have escalated his attack, as he would not have seen the hit back as a retaliation, but as an unprovoked attack.

Teaching your child to loudly assert their dissatisfaction is a much safer strategy.

shufflebum Sat 02-Jan-16 13:51:45

We have strong rules in place at home about how to behave. Will have a chat with the play leader. I would agree that there is too much knowledge about other children but most of this will have been shared by parents of said children rather than the staff.
Thank you for your opinions.

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