No consequences at nursery

[strangechild]

DS, almost 3yo, started nursery a few weeks ago. He has been looked after by a nanny and by me up to this point. Last week he started pushing the other children. Today I've been told he's hitting too. Hand on my heart I have only ever seen him push another child once, but he's boisterous, energetic, and a handful so I can imagine that he would be capable of it.
I've asked his key worker what steps are taken to correct his behaviour when he hits and pushes, and the answer is that they talk to him. That's all. No time out 'because it would be inappropriate in this setting', no telling off, no punishment.
So what I want to know is, is a time out now seen as a bad thing? I know my DS and I don't think that talking to him alone is going to have any effect. Plus, it's totally different from what happens at home: here if he does something naughty there are immediate consequences.

[christinarossetti]

But there are consequences. A worker speaks to him, presumably reminding him that we don't hit etc.

If this is his first time in a group setting, he'll probably need a little time to get used to the number of children, having to share, take turns more etc. Some children express their frustration through hitting or pushing - tbh, I would agree with the approach of speaking to children about how they manage their difficult feelings rather than curtailing discussion by 'time out'.

[AugustRose]

On return to nursery my DS has had a couple of instances of shouting no and being stubborn, for which he is spoken to and reminded of how he should behave, the staff then tell me. He understands and always does as he is told after that.

In our very small nursery, there have been times when a child is removed from the room/area if they are continuing to hit or lash out, once they are calm them come back in.

If your DS is responding to being spoken to, ie calming down and listening then they might see that as sufficient. He probably responds differently at nursery than at home, I know my DS can sometimes try it on a bit more with me.

[strangechild]

He's not listening at nursery, hence when I go in to collect him I am told he's hitting, pushing etc, says 'sorry' then does it again. Repeatedly! I'm concerned that he isn't being given the message that it's unacceptable in a way he understands. Which is immediate consequences!

[WhyBeHappyWhenYouCouldBeNormal]

At dd 3s nursery they talk a lot about gentle hands with friends, and if they've hurt someone not only do they say sorry but they have some thinking time (quiet time out with an adult to talk about why we don't hit etc.) and then they need to hug the child they've hurt and agree to be friends again. It works really well - because the children are only happy to hug each other once it's actually all sorted out and everyone has calmed down/stopped crying etc. Could you talk to nursery about emphasising the fact he's hurt the other child and made them sad?

[insancerre]

We don't do time out in our nursery we do time in.
We do positive reinforcement of behaviour
We don't force children to say sorry because it spent mean anything
We ignore bad behaviour we praise good behaviour and dont do sanctions
And it works
Op, your ds will work out which behaviour is acceptable in the setting.
I doubtbthw nursery will be thankful for the op wading in telling them how to do their jobs as a pp suggests
Its there job. They do it everyday. I'm sure they know what they care doing

[insancerre]

Op have you had his hearing tested?
As his behaviour is classic for a child who has some sort of hearing loss, such as glue ear.

[strangechild]

I don't want to 'wade in', I'd just like to know how usual / unusual it is to not consider a tine out or other escalation if current methods arent working. DS's teacher says she is pulling him up on his behaviour, asking him to apologise and give the other child a hug. He does all this. He then repeats the bad behaviour, repeatedly I am told! So when I hear all this, plus the fact that this is the only action she is going to take, my first thought is 'well aren't you basically just explaining to me that your methods aren't working?'

[strangechild]

Insancerre - interesting. Why would poor hearing lead to pushing and hitting?

[AugustRose]

It probably is just a settling in thing however, if he is doing it repeatedly then there must come a point when they move him away from the other child/ren. If it does continue all you can do it ask them to help you have some consistency and insist he is given time on his own.

[Sweetasstevia]

Following - I have a three year old 'hitter' who'll be starting nursery in January.

[CultureSucksDownWords]

Ask to see their behaviour policy (or perhaps it is in any info they gave you or on their website?). They should clearly outline what their approach is, and how they will deal with behaviour that continues.

[insancerre]

When children feel confused or not in control they instinctively use violence.
Its an inbuilt reaction born out of frustration. Its why biting is so common amongst non verbal children
We always say use your words not your hands to the children in the nursery
When children exhibit bad behaviour we always make sure there is no physical cause

[Pico2]

I know your DS is misbehaving now at nursery, but my experience of my DD at nursery (and I think it is very common) is that she behaves really well at nursery and less well at home.

Nurseries are quite structured with lots going on, so little opportunity for boredom which can cause poor behaviour. Children at nursery also tend to observe and follow each other which encourages good behaviour. I'd guess that once your DS settles in he will be pretty well behaved at nursery.

[adsy]

well I'm going to go against the grain here. I'm a CM and any bad behaviour is met with a firm "no" and taking them to one side and basically giving a telling off.
I fail to see how good behaviour is learnt with wishy washy responses.

[strangechild]

Adsy - my feelings too. It's been a week since I posted and the situation has deteriorated. He's still playing up, pushing, hitting and not listening to his teacher to boot. The nursery is unwilling to consider a 'time out'. My poor mother-in-law went to pick him up today and had to listen to a litany of his bad behaviour. She is in shock! I know my attitude should be to let the professionals get on with it - but their methods aren't working. I wouldn't tolerate this behaviour at home an - guess what? It doesn't happen at home because he knows there would be consequences. At nursery the most he gets is a talk from his lovely but frazzled teacher and it isn't working! Sorry to vet but the situation is very frustrating.

[strangechild]

Vent

[CultureSucksDownWords]

What you've got is two incompatible "discipline" methods at nursery and at home. Have you managed to get a copy of their behaviour policy? At least then you know what they are promising to deliver.

Fwiw, I don't use the naughty step approach with my DS and I wouldn't want my nursery to either. I'm more keen on the Toddler Calm type approach. However, it's going to be a bit difficult to change your whole parenting approach, and it doesn't sound like you want to (which is totally reasonable).

Could you consider finding a different nursery that has a behaviour policy that matches your parenting style more? Or perhaps try a childminder or nanny again rather than a nursery.

[LemonBreeland]

I would be asking nursery what they expect you to do about his behaviour when you are not there, and they are not willing to try any other discipline methods.

I would tell them that you do not wish to hear stories about things you can not control.

[strangechild]

The nursery have given us a set of books to read with him encouraging 'gentle hands' etc, and have asked us to talk to him about kindness, gentleness and managing feelings. We will do all of this, of course. He is just coming up to 3 years old though. Is this kind of reasoning going to work with a child of his age?? I feel very undermined as a parent here but am willing to try their methods - they won't try mine!