Getting the balance right between Nursery place and family childcare

(28 Posts)
amandine07 Mon 14-Apr-14 04:05:51

Not sure if I'm posting in correct place.

I will be going back to work FT towards the end of this year, LO will be about 10 months old by then.

Currently they are on a number of waiting lists for local nurseries. Also, I'm in the lucky position of having my mother ready & willing to take care of my LO while I work.

However, I don't have the best relationship with my mother/both parents, to be honest I find them quite controlling, wanting me to do what they want etc.

My mother wants to care for my LO full time but I am quite uncomfortable with this and think it'll be a but much (she works part time, father is retired).

More significantly, my mum strongly disagrees with nursery and has made this clear already, accusing me of planning how I'm going to "dump my LO" while I go back to work hmm

Me and DP are trying to save to buy a house (we live in London) so as you can imagine we need all the spare cash.

We are keen for LO to go to nursery for a few days to get socialised with other little children.
Does anyone here have their mum/parents doing FT childcare for their kids? How does it work out...?

I know there is the obvious money saving angle, I'm more convened with "family dynamics"...

Am not sure I want my mum looking after my LO full time, also my OH is not that keen on my parents (my parents have made it clear they don't feel he "provides adequately" for me i.e. he's not bought us a house like my sister's husband) and I don't want family relations to suffer.

I'm trying to enjoy my maternity leave but already I can feel my mum judging me harshly, she has already given me a lecture on how selfish I am to put LO in a nursery and how disappointed she is in me for not providing a proper home for LO (we currently live in rented accommodation shock horror, but that's a whole other dispute!).

Sorry this is such a ramble, I'm finding the whole thing so emotionally charged and it's stressing me out already.
Again I will add that I realise how lucky I am to have the option of family helping us out.
Please tell me if I need a good slap & a generous dose of man the fuck up! grin

evertonmint Tue 29-Apr-14 08:04:53

I really really wouldn't involve your parents in regular childcare. I think it's a recipe for disaster given what you have said about them. I'd find it hard enough to maintain a regular parental/grandparental relationship with them given how vocal they are about your perfectly reasonable decisions and choices, let alone give them my child alone. The fact she already comments to the baby about you is a huge red flag.

Don't do it. Please don't. Even for a day - she will spend that while day telling your child how terrible it is that he has to go to nursery the next day. Some things - your DP, your child, your happiness - are much more important than saving a bit of money and appeasing your parents wish to be involved.

I speak as someone with parents who are pretty judgemental about people doing different to them (nursery etc) and also always trying to push me on the amount of time I let them have alone with my DCs, but they mostly keep their mouths shut around my DCs and go with what I say. I wouldn't leave my DCs with them on a daycare basis as it is, let alone if they were more vocal with their views. Give somebody an inch and they'll take a mile, etc...

EverythingCounts Tue 29-Apr-14 08:26:14

Absolutely do not let her do more than one day. I wouldn't even do that but you seem set on the idea that she has to be allowed to do it for some time. That way if something happens you or OH will only need to take one day off to cover. A good nursery is a fine place for a child to be and DS thrived at his.

Two things I think you should keep in mind. First, your mother's motives in offering. Does she want to support you and your partner(who she doesn't like, hmmm) or does she want to have power in the way your child is brought up? Secondly, would you allow your child to go to A nursery where the staff undermined you and spoke disrespectfully about you? If not, there is no reason to think it's ok because someone is family - to me that makes it worse.

TurquoiseDress Wed 30-Apr-14 07:39:56

EverythingCounts
Yes you are absolutely right- no I would not want to send my child somewhere where staff are disrespectful & undermining to me and OH.

My mother is quite vocal about wanting to support me and LO- note she barely acknowledges my OH's role in our day to day lives, she just criticises his long working hours.

It's sad, my parents barely ever ask how my OH is or how WE are as a family, they're just concerned with me and LO.
I don't feel this is right or nice at all.

I don't think my mum wants to wield power as such over us and our baby. A big thing is that she was quite involved in the childcare of my niece up until recently but my brother & his wife have sold up in London and moved to the Surrey countryside. I know she misses looking after my niece.

So I think she's desperate to do the same for my LO.

Also I think she's quite unhappy in the marriage with my father- to be fair I thought my parents should've got divorced years ago, we grew up with constant rowing, bickering and even some violence at times.

My father has chilled out since he no longer works (made redundant & early retirement, not old enough for pension yet), but I know he gets on her nerves massively.

Don't know, think as I'm the eldest and last one to get married/have kids my mum somehow thought I'd move back home until I married and help her cope with my dad.

So many issues wrapped up in this...paid childcare is looking the way forward! My parents would definitely be a back up plan for us if needed, but I think I'll go for one or two days with them to see how it goes.

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