1st Day at Nursery Tears.

(9 Posts)
chipmunksmummy Fri 06-Sep-13 16:07:09

Hello... Ive floated about on here a bit but this is my first post.
Im just looking for some opinions on how something was dealt with at my daughters nursery today.
My daughter is 3 and today was her first day. We have visited the nursery twice before...once to look round and once to sit in on a 15 minute singing session.
I did know that they don't like parents to stay at the nursery with the kids but was shocked at how rigid they were today.
M was very excited to go there today but as we got through the door she realised that I would have to leave (we had talked about this). She decided she didn't want me to go and clung to me telling me to stay and crying. She was not hysterical but clearly quite upset. I hugged her and told her she must be brave and reminded her how much fun she had on the visit there (she is naturally a very confident kid and I knew she'd be ok once she was with the other kids). I asked "cant I just take her up?" (the older kids are upstairs) and was told "No she will expect it every time then...and if she crys it may upset the other children, its best not to draw this out". I felt quite confused as I don't know the norm so explained again to M that she must go with A now (whilst I was hugging her).. but I did not feel comfortable with how my daughters new keyworker A suddenly took her out of my arms and holding her facing away from her she carried her up the stairs crying and legs kicking!
I was shaken but didn't know if I was being dramatic or not.. I told the Manager who was there that I don't like that... I don't like the way that was done. She gave me the same "not drawing it out" spiel and almost ushered me out the door.
I called 10 mins later and they said she was fine... which knowing M she probably was ... and picking her up she says she had "sooo much fun". But Im still upset at the way that was done and I feel guilty for allowing it too happen.
Is this how your nursery deals with kids that don't want Mummy to go? Am I being over the top? I need comparisons please and thanks!

hardboiledpossum Sat 07-Sep-13 00:05:01

Some nurseries i have worked in have done this and some nurserieshave allowed parents to stay for as long as they like l, whether that be 10 minutes or 5 sessions. I wouldn't chose a nursery that did the former.

mammadiggingdeep Sat 07-Sep-13 20:39:15

My 3 year old has also just started nursery. Also, my 14 month old has started in the baby room. My experience couldn't be more different and my belly just flipped as I read your post! Poor u. We were allowed up to 10 settling in sessions which could b full days, these were free. I started with an hour session, where I stayed. The next time we did an hour with me leaving them. I gradually increased it. We did about 6 sessions in all. We started properly last week. All 3 mornings I took my 3 year old up stairs, sat her at the breakfast table, poured cereal out and made sure she was settled before leaving. On the 3rd morning she cried (the other 2 mornings she'd kept it in sad )....I cuddled her, then left and watched through glass door whilst her key worker cuddled her. U left when she's settled down and was happy. The staff have asked me if I'm feeling ok about leaving them a few times and made me feel like they genuinely want the best for my children as well as me....feel like they have eased us into the whole experience. I'm so glad your daughter enjoyed herself smile she's done really well to settle with such little introduction. She's obviously a happy and content little one. X

mammadiggingdeep Sat 07-Sep-13 20:42:47

Meant to say....you're not being over the top. I think you did well not to follow and grab your DD off the worker. Does the nursery have a parent voice group?

Beamur Sat 07-Sep-13 20:50:40

Seems rather brutal - although it is true that most kids do settle once parents are gone and sometimes hanging about might as they say - draw it out.
Personally, at DD's nursery, they were quite happy for parents to hang around for a few minutes (as I usually did) which allowed most children to part from their parents with less trauma, although they would help by taking a child from you - but only when they knew the child quite well and both carer/parent knew this approach was ok.
Given that your child is normally quite confident and you must like the majority of the other aspects of this nursery I'd give it a few more trys and see how your DD reacts, but I wouldn't persist for too long if she is distressed.
My DD went to the same nursery as a friends child, who found it much harder to settle.

Both of the nurseries that DD has been to have done settling in sessions.

The first offered 6 as standard gradually increasing the time, but suggested an extra one for DD as one of the early ones hadn't gone perfectly. After that I took DD into her room each day, hung up her bag and coat and changed her shoes before leaving.

The second nursery had a very flexible settling in approach with DD doing two mornings with me there but leaving her for 30 mins or so each time. She settled in really quickly, but if she hadn't then they would have been happy to do more settling in. Now we leave her in the foyer and hang up her coat and bag while she runs off to her room.

There have been a few mornings of tears in both nurseries and passing her over to a member of staff to comfort and distract. But I think that this has been less than 10 mornings out of hundreds of days at nursery.

I'd be unhappy about not having more settling in. In part because I got a better feel for the rhythm of the nursery day and I know that they are confident to have parents in the rooms seeing what goes on.

Littlefish Sun 08-Sep-13 22:07:28

I'm a teacher in a nursery. For the first 5 sessions we always leave it up to the parent whether they want to stay for all, some or none of the session, on the basis that they know their child best, and will know when their child is settled enough to be left. If it ever gets to a point where we feel that the child is completely settled but the parent is still staying, then we may very gently suggest that they go for a walk round the block and come back, but will always work with them if they would prefer to stay.

Once left, if the child is still upset not only on being left, but for any extended time during the session, then we would discuss continuing with shorter, supported sessions.

Having said all of that, it sounds like your dd had a lovely time when she was there, which is great, but that possibly their system of handover needs to be softened!

HSMMaCM Sun 08-Sep-13 22:15:20

I generally find children settle faster without their parents present and having a parent in the room can upset the other children. Having said Taft though, I would never stop a parent who wanted to come in with their child. Parents know this before they sign a contract. Sometimes an older child who has been with me for years might need a bit of extra time with their parent. That's fine.

WithConfidence Sat 14-Sep-13 23:42:32

Ds is 3 and just started.

We went for visits and then we just had to see how it went. Staff and I discussed each day what to do, how long to stay for, what to try tomorrow etc.

When he has been upset they have talked to him about what was happening, distracted him (brilliantly, by getting a little boy he likes to ask him to come through) or called me.

They have made it clear there is no time limit on it but that they felt sure he would get there. Friday went really well, stayed for a whole morning, had lunch, so it's working. There are a few minor things I don't feel I agree with (a finish everythiing on your plate policy) but the way they have handled his settling in has made me feel it's a good choice for him.

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