Punishment at nursery for not

[habitat]

I have been really upset about an incident this week at DS's nursery - DS is 3 this Saturday.

Monday was the first day back and one of the other children had a birthday party so all the children get goody bags. Because DS would not tell the group what presents he had got for christmas the nursery owner withheld his goody bag as a punishment for not joining in. On returning home I also find that whist he is normally very good at going to the toilet, sometime during the day he has wet himself and has not been able to tell anyone either through fear, embarrassment....... His socks, undies etc had started to dry so it was obvious that he had been wet for some considerable time.

The punishment was explained to me as I collected him and I was pretty angry at the time, it wasn't until I got home and reflected on the situation that I really got mad and the following morning had a bit of a set to with the owner - I told her that the issue of not joining was a development rather than a punishment issue and that DS being wet was completely unacceptable. I got a bit upset because I was so angry - isn't it infuriating when that happens!

Anyway sorry for long posting but wondered it I had overreacted

[colditz]

They should not be punishing for not joining in, it is totally unacceptable, and if it was the owner who instigated that, I would remove him immediately.

[bundle]

that's not just punishment, it's humiliation, and totally wrong. i would complain, in writing, our nursery policies state that such behaviour is unacceptable

[edam]

You were quite right to object. Very bad practice on their part. What did the owner say?

[kid]

You didn't overreact at all. At that age, they shouldn't be forced to join in. As long as he was listening and not causing a disturbance, I don't think they needed to take any action.

As for him being wet, would they have noticed his trousers were wet or was he wearing dark clothes? If it was not obvious he was wet, then you can't really blame them. If my DS had wet himself and not told anyone, I would just tell him that he should have told an adult and he wouldn't have been in trouble. Hope it doesn't put him off nursery.

[mazzystar]

that's horrible, and completely inappropriate

poor little lad

what did the owner have to say for him/herself?

are you and your little boy otherwise happy with the nursery?

[collision]

Out of order.

Def deal with it and if ds is not happy then you should move him. Poor boy. Some kids are shyer than others.

[sallycinnamon]

Not allowing him to have something would have been bad enough if he had been a little horror all day. The fact that he had to miss out simply because he wouldn't speak is terrible and shows that something has gone seriously awry with their ethos. What are they thinking of?! I don't blame you for being angry- the wet pants just makes you feel even worse. Have you had any other issues with them? I would seriously want to talk with whoever is the big boss.

[saadia]

I think depriving him of the goody bag was a bit extreme. He's only 3. At ds's nursery concert some of the children didn't join in with the singing and stand up when they were meant to. The teacher encouraged them but then said "never mind, it's OK if you don't want to" and didn't make a big deal of it.

For your ds to not want to talk about his presents doesn't strike me as naughtiness deserving a punishment. I think the nursery over-reacted, not you. Sometimes children aren't in the mood to talk, they shouldn't be forced.

[Aloha]

Agree. Very very shocked. I'd complain to Ofsted and take him out as soon as I could. Horrified. Also, I'd demand the goody bag. It's not bloody theirs!

[kiskidee]

shocked at his treatment. I also wonder how much kids are cuddled, touched during the day if a long time would have passed and no one noticed that he had wet himself. (or maybe i just come from a touchy feely environment) i don't have a child in nursery of that age but have frequently touched my little cousins when babysitting and its one way i found out they needed a change.

[LadySherlockofLGJ]

OMG

I am normally Mrs Reasonable, and I am thinking sue........... the barstewards for mental anguish.


Now, I am aware this is totally and utterly over the top, but seriously, I would not take this lying down and agree with Aloha,I would without a shadow of a doubt report them to OFSTED.

Please send the letter recorded.

I am spitting nails at this.

[hunkermunker]

Bloody hell! What if you didn't celebrate Christmas for whatever reason and he was embarrassed?!

Definitely complain, definitely demand the goody bag and...no, hang on, probably best to draw the line at physical violence towards the owner, but only just, eh?!

[bobbybobbobbingalong]

It's exclusion plain and simple and is wrong. Here in NZ I would report it to the Ministry of Education as it goes completely against guidelines. Christmas must seem like an age away for a 3 year old.

As for the wet thing - well if he's normally good they have probably stopped checking him regularly. Ds was wet when I picked him up, but I only realised as I put him in the car, he was drying out too. I asked him to tell a teacher in future.

I wouldn't try to solve both - if they sort out acceptable strategies for getting him to join in then he will use the bathroom as before and that will solve itself.

[FairyMum]

I agree with the others and like Aloha I would complain to Ofsted. Totally unacceptable and sounds a bit crazy to be honest.

[BudaBabe]

Owner sounds like a sadistic so and so! He's not yet 3 FGS!! My 4yr old wouldn't tell someone what he got for Xmas yesterday!

I would definitely take this further. If you feel you will just get upset face to face then write a STINKING letter.

The wetting issue could be conncected but hard to figure out if it was before or after I suppose.

Hope you get some satisfaction - I would be fuming. In fact I AM fuming!

[mumeeee]

I work in a Nursery and we do not punish for not joining in.Also the nursery staff should have noticed he had wet himself and made sure he was changed. We have regular toilet sesions where evry child is encoraged to go as well as the children going when they want to. Does your DS's nursery do this?

[habitat]

Thanks for all your messages - DS has just woke up so I'll respond tomorrow!!!!

Thanks again

[Blu]

If I took goodie bags in for DS's b'day, and the nursery took it upon themselves to withold one as a punishment, I would be furious! It's a gift from the othe parent, and certainly not to be used as a punishment - esp for a non-existent 'crime'.
Very upsetting to think of 3 year-olds being treated like that. Makes me feel chilly down my spine.
Poor your DS, poor you.

[habitat]

Thank you so much for all your support - my DH thanks you also - I was really worried that I was being over protective.

We are going for a meeting at a pre school in the next few days so, as things have settled down (in fact the owner and managers are being over attentive to DS) I am going to wait until then before moving him but I think his days there are numbered. On the one hand I am happy about this because the situation has been so bizzare I think it has unnerved DS and certainly my trust has been dented. However on the other hand I am sorry because DS has made friends that he will be moving away from and he is generally happy there.

When he makes the move I intend to notify Ofsted of my concerns. I know this probably sounds cowardly but until DS is somewhere else I don't want to give any cause for him to be treated badly at all.

I think you are right about the wetting - it is difficult to seperate the two but it becomes complicated. We have encouraged DS to tell us or his nursery carers about any accidents and not to be embarrassed at all.

Thank you all again - it is DS's 3rd birthday tomorrow so I am sure all of this will be forgotten at least by DS.

[hunkermunker]

Happy birthday to DS for tomorrow!

I agree about not reporting to Ofsted till DS has moved too - it's not cowardly, it's common sense.

[Miaou]

Would it be churlish of me to suggest that you sent in goodie bags for everyone at nursery but withheld one from the nursery owner for being a cow?

[galaxy]

This is outrageous. How humiliating for your poor ds. I would expect as a minimum a written apology and a personal apology toyour ds

[Shimmers]

I was really shocked to read your post- it's one of the most disappointing things I have read- that a child should be punished for not sharing his thoughts. It is a complete disgrace. The nursery is supposed to be supporting your child and other children's personal, social and emotional development- not only is this common sense but also as a national requirement as part of the 6 Early Learning goals of the Foundation Stage.

To me, it sounds as if the member of staff was bullying your son into speaking. Absolutely disgusting. Added to this, as classmates would have seen that your child did not get a goody bag, they too are learning the wrong message. Your child didn't hurt anyone, say inappropriate things etc and even if he had, the actions of the staff were completely unappropriate.

I would try and be brave and if you do intend to contact OFSTED, I would let the nursery know my intentions before you leave as the nursery will be crapping themselves and for good reason. Neither you or your child should fear anything as you have done anything.

So sorry that your son had to be treated this way. It really does make my blood boil. Although the staff may be behaving incredibly nice to you right now, letting them know you are going to report the incident- for the sake of your child and others- may well give them a massive kick up the a* both short and long term.

I did report a safety incident to OFSTED at my child's nursery when he kept having unexplained accidents. I felt very awkward and felt sick that my ds was still there as I had no choice but to stay working for financial reasons and other nurseries in the area seemed even worse. I met with the owners who said that it seemed that I was doing a risk assessment every time I walked into the nursery! Since the OFSTED incident, things have improved vastly and my ds seems happy as the nursery have bent over backwards to rectify the issues I presented.

Take care and do stick to your guns, if you can, on this one. Good luck.

[Shimmers]

Also, not to get too technical but this is also an issue of discrimination. Your child was discriminated against because he did not talk about what he got. Suppose you don't celebrate Christmas? Suppose he didn't get any presents?

Absolutely disgusting behaving from adults who are supposed to be role models and who are major influences on our childrens social development.

Crazy...