I need advise as I'm at rock bottom! 😢

[user1475746152]

I have been with my partner for 11 years we have 2 kids and he has recently started working away mon-fri, I'm finding this extremely difficult, I suffer from depression and anxiety and feel so unhappy, he finally agreed to us all moving to where he works so we can be together but isint committed to the idea and keeps changing his mind, Iv told him that if we can't move then we need to split as I can't cope with this kind of unhappiness, the problem is if I leave him il be even more unhappy , what can I do to fix this, please help

[skyyequake]

Why wouldn't he want to move? Surely it'll be easier for him too?

I think you need to take a deep breath. Don't go giving ultimatums about splitting and working yourself up.

Sit down with him and calmly explain that him working away all week just isn't working. You need his support in the evenings, and it will do the kids some good to see their dad more than just at the weekends. The only way to fix that would be either for him to give up his job, which you obviously don't want, or for you all to move down there together. If he's still resisting then ask him why! I would have thought that he'd be happy with the idea of being able to come home each night to see his OH and children... If not then I would be a little concerned.

[user1122]

This is what's concerning me, he says he doesn't want to move the kids as the job isint forever, I'm so frustrated as I know a fresh start would be so good for me and I feel the kids would adapt, there are worse things In life than moving schools right?

[lurkingnonparent]

Sounds like you need a proper chat about this when you can both discuss things rationally. He might be wary of moving kids' schools, the cost of a move, length of contract and moving you away from friends and family.

As someone who has just started a new job on a 1 year contract 260 miles from home (so I have to travel every week) I can also say the travelling plus new job experience is knackering and the thought of adding a house move to that at the moment would be overwhelming.

His reluctance could be from any of the above and nothing sinister. Remind yourself that you know you're depressed and anxious and likely to read the worst into the situation, but there could be another side to the story too.

Can you look into finding some more support for yourself while he is away?

[skyyequake]

Oh I didn't realise his job was temporary! That might be what it is then. He doesn't want to uproot you all if in a year he'll be moving jobs again and not be in the same place

[user1122]

I don't think there is anything sinister going on but makes me feel he doesn't care much about me knowing how unhappy I am here dealing with a lot by myself, this isint a new thing and has been going on for months,the company he works for agreed to rent us a house so we don't need to make decisions about our own house straight away, I don't have a lot of friends or family and he doesn't have close bond with his so it's not an issue to move away, even the threat of me leaving with the kids doesn't seem to spark a reaction 😢

[user1122]

Yes temp but a year is a long time to feel alone and depressed!

[FriendofBill]

I think you need to find other support as pp has said.
pug yourself in his place.
You are being unreasonable.

[FriendofBill]

Put yourself!

Maybe pug yourself.
Get a dog for company

[user1122]

I am being unreasonable for wanting my family to be together and happy?

[pugsake]

It's hard with depression. DH used too work away before we met. He won't now because I really don't think I'd cope.

I'm not soft or anything honest anxiety and depression are a pain in the Arse.

Have you any family nearby user? When he does go away for a few days I normally spend a lot of time at my mams just for the company.

[user1122]

If I was in his place I would realise how much my partner needed my support and take a leap , we are still young so what's stopping us making a fresh start

[user1122]

I don't have a close relationship with my family and don't have many friends I can talk to, I'm a very closed off person and just feel every day I get a little more depressed, I am hurt that he doesn't understand this

[pugsake]

What's your medication situation like?

If your on antidepressants they might need a change. I was on citalopram 5 years before it started losing effectiveness it can happen.

[lurkingnonparent]

Could you not see this as a good opportunity to spend done time thinking about your own health? Meant in the kindest possible way your posts do sound quite desperate. I know that's because of how you feel but while its your dp's job to support you he cannot fix you. Sounds like you need to put some thought into how to make things better for yourself so you aren't reliant on him alone to make your life ok. I bet things would be nicer for the whole family if you can get some other external support, maybe set yourself some new challenges (my dh is learning to code evenings I'm away) and see this time apart as an opportunity.

By the time you and the kids have planned nice things to do when dad's home, got boring jobs done in the week etc so you can have more fun at the weekends, time will fly. Can you make this more of a family challenge? Can you and the kids have a film night when he's away? Eat food he doesn't like once a week etc?

I'm not belittling your feelings by the way - I have had depression myself - but being near him cannot be the only fix in this situation.

[user1122]

I am a happier more confident person when I'm with him, I also have a bad situation with a few ex friends which I have to see everyday so feel that I am trying to fix my problems by getting away from all the bad stuff and starting fresh I want to make new friends and I know that would help

[pugsake]

Are you getting out enough? Even if it's just a little walk or to the park with the kids.

I know doctors always recommend fresh air and exercise but I do think it helps a lot.

That's all me and DD are doing today park and a walk.

[user1122]

Prob not but I'm feeling so low I just shut myself away, I understand it's not my partners job to 'fix' me but I do believe he should support me , just now he just isint taking my feelings seriously 😔

[pugsake]

Shutting yourself away won't do you any good user. I know it's hard any chance you can make a GP appointment and see what they say?

[user1122]

Yes I think I need to speak to someone

[pugsake]

It won't do any harm.

[pugsake]

How are you feeling today user?

[user1122]

Better thank you, Iv taken a deep breath n going to have a proper chat tonight, hopefully get stuff sorted out, thank you for ur thought ❤️