Teenage daughter

[user1469518055]

Hi, I'm new on here and really need some advice.
My 13 year old daughter is going threw a pretty rough time. She used to have a group of friends that she was very close to, few weeks ago two of these friends had a argument and one said some very hurtful things to the other, my daughter defended her friend (this is a girl my d has been friends with since nursery). The group ended up divided with friend 1 saying she'd never speak to friend 2 again. My d and friend 1 went on a trip to Spain with the school and everything was fine. However the 3 girls are in all the same classes at school and once back from Spain friend 1 has made up with friend 2 which is great or would have been if they hadn't started to exclude my d! They broke up from school Wednesday gone and friend 1 spent the following 2 days with my d. Over the weekend my d arranged to meet up with a friend from school and invited friend 1 along. Now however friend 1 has totally blew her out in favour of friend 2 who isn't speaking to my d. My d can't understand why she'd do this after she defended her against friend 2. Last night it came to light that friend 2 has been making group chats up on social media for the sole purpose of calling my d and friend 1 has been joining in. This morning I checked my d phone whilst she was asleep and say text messages to a girl my daughter speaks to online ( this girl is from Norway) my daughter has told her that she's hurting so much and can't take it anymore, there's a photo of my d with tears running down her face which she must have taken last night.

I feel so helpless! Even before the 6 weeks hols started I asked my d if she thought moving schools might be an idea as she's been getting bitched at from other girls who friend 2 is now friends with!

My d is not the type for tears, she's usually very outgoing and confident (she's a 2nd Dan black belt in karate)

I really don't know where to go from here! She's supposed to be going away in Aug with friend 1 and her family but was told last night that friend 2 is going instead.

Any advice would be extremely appreciated.

[MrsJayy]

I think if you report your post this will get moved into teenagers. 13yr old friendships are so up and down the shift can be a hard lesson for them and it is not great I dont know what to suggest as a sad emotional 13yr old wont see reason acknowledge the fall out and it might blow over

[Missgraeme]

Ah how awful. I would at least speak to the family regarding the holiday and see what story they have. Then just fill the school hols with family stuff instead. My daughter is only 8 and the bitching had already started at her school last year. Luckily she was due to move school anyway. Tho I wouldn't have just due to that. Its life unfortunately. We just need to learn ways to deal with them as we go.

[user1469518055]

Thank you for all the advice! I know from past experience it is best to stay out of it, it's just so hard to see her this upset.
I have two girls, my 13 yr old and a 7 yr old! My 13 yo is snapping at my 7 yo because of this, they usually get on really well, both are adopted, not biologically related and my oldest was 6 when we adopted my youngest who was one at the time and she's usually very protective towards her. I really just don't know how to reassure my 13 yo! I've tried telling her it's all part of growing up but it kills me seeing her so upset

[MrsJayy]

Of course she is upset this is devestating for her try and say things like im sorry this is happening to you or I hope you can sort it out but I really wouldnt you going on holiday with in case it blew up again. Oh and tell her it is not her sisters fault and to leave her alone.

[MrsJayy]

Oh yes speak to holiday parents see whats what dont go in with she said she said. Say they have fallen out and you want holiday parents to understand. Ime kids tell parents twaddle to appear innocent.

[user1469518055]

I've known the holiday parents for years, I went to school with them. They're the type of parents who won't have a bad word said against their kids, they're Angels! I think where hol concerned I'm best off just seeing what happens. Last thing I want to do is make matters worse!

[MrsJayy]

Thats true you dont want to make it worse if they are not the type of people who would see reason. Thing is if this is rumbling on out of school on social media it might get nastier would your dd be ok with blocking them for a while to give herself some breathing space ?

[mrsb71]

She has blocked them without me even mentioning it to her, it's the group chats they're making up about her that's getting to her. It's on Instagram and whatsapp, she isn't included in these chats but she's getting texts off others telling her what they're saying. She's hurting and angry and I'm worried about her retaliating. She's 2nd Dan black belt, won regional championship and could really hurt them. At times I wish she would but I know that's my anger at the situation and I don't want her getting in to any trouble.

[Tazzer1]

Really feel for you,going through similar myself with my 14 yr old,she's been excluded from a big group of friends & unfortunately I prob made it worse by speaking to 2 of the girls mothers,I didn't go accusing but it was took up like that,my daughter is now sitting up in her room Day after day looking at snapchats of them all out enjoying themselves without her,haven't s clue what to do & am dreading sept as both of the 1's that turned on her are in her class,she is so isolated,it's terrible to watch,girls can be so mean.

[mrsb71]

Tazzer it's heartbreaking. One of the girls from the group has been in touch with my DD, they've hung out a bit. I know it's just because this girl lives close to us and doesn't see the other girls out of school. Like you I am dreading sept!

[Tazzer1]

It's a horrible situation to be in & like you feel so helpless,will have to monitor the situation in Sept & hope it sorts I self out,1 thing is for certain & that is we won't allow her to be bullied in class if it gets to that we'll have to involve the school,hope it doesn't come to that,we have already told her she has to move on from these girls as real friends don't behave as nasty & vicious. She seems to have accepted that herself & has seen them for what they really are but still they are all out & she's alone. So unfair.

[mrsb71]

Girls can be so horrible! DD got a text from a girl in her class last night telling her no one will be speaking to her when they go back to school. Can't bare the thought of her being on her own at school. All I can do is wait and see what happens in sept but I am seriously thinking of changing school. I'm a SAH mam and lost touch with my friends and wondering if it's because of that why my DD finds it difficult to make friends!

[Tazzer1]

If I was you I would notify the school to what is going on just so that they can keep an eye & watch for any trouble,that's disgusting behaviour on that other girls part,I'd be ashamed of my life if my daughter carried on like that,today my daughter is a bit stronger even though there is a teenage disco tonight that she can't go to because they are all there & she has nobody to go with,breaks my heart but we will get her through it & she will be stronger as a result,it's fight or flight,we asked her if she would prefer to move schools but she was adamant that they will not drive her out,the thing with her is that she is still friendly with others in the class although she doesn't hang around with them,any crap & we will be straight up to the school,she will never be friends again with the few that treated her like this. Excuse my ignorance but what is a SAH mam?

[mrsb71]

Stay At Home!
I'm so pleased your DD is feeling stronger, she sounds like a lovely girl. My DD says the same about changing schools, it's me that wants to take her away from it all! All I can do now is see what happens when they go back. Like you I would be mortified if one of mine was as mean as these little bitches (yes I know they're someone's babies but I'm so annoyed about it)! Tell your DD to keep her chin up and stay strong, don't let them get her down!
I can't remember it being this hard when I was that age!

[Tazzer1]

I'm a SAH Mam too honestly don't think it makes a difference,just had her bawling here,she has us driven demented looking for an animal but I know it's because she's so bored having no friends,my heart is broke for her,can't believe those nasty little bitches could treat her like this! All I'm doing is crying & I don't want her to see me upset,would love her to find a friend & move on,sooner the better summer is over & we can see what September brings,at least she'll have somewhere to go. Hope it works out for our 2,at least we raised them with a bit of empathy & to have feelings,I'm sure it will get easier for them both in time.

[HerdsOfWilderbeest]

Agree with pp. you can't start trying to unpick things for her - just offer lots of support. Being 13 is crap.

[mrsb71]

Tazzer I've had many tears over this myself, I really do know how you're feeling. It helps a bit to get it off your chest and know you're DD isn't the only one going through this.

[BabyGanoush]

Part of it is that they "love" all the drama of it.

Your dd will have learned that "sticking up for someone" can be seen as chosing sides, and can backfire when the warring sides make up.

All good life lessons.

It will pass.

Do nothing.

[Tazzer1]

It is indeed crap,I tell you it's an eye opener & your right it does help to get it off your chest. Thanks for the support & hope it works out for our 2 they deserve nothing less.