To The People Who Owned My House Before Me I Would Just Like To Ask

(292 Posts)
MintyyAeroEgg Mon 30-Mar-09 21:18:35

Why, why, why, when the kitchen measures 25ft by 12ft, you chose to confine the kitchen area (all the units and appliances) to about 1/3 of the available space, and devote the remaining 2/3 to a dining area - which you chose to CARPET in dark green carpet. I just cannot get my head round what you were thinking of, you silly silly silly twunts.

Anyone else?

foxinsocks Mon 30-Mar-09 21:20:37


I want to know why you (oh ex house owner) put woodchip paper on the walls, stamped out your fags on the carpet in the loo and loved flowery patterns in every room.

Oh and next time you move. Clear out your fucking loft.

hippipotamiHasLost14Pounds Mon 30-Mar-09 21:22:48

Why why why did you turn the second bedroom (which is a double) into the bathroom, instead of using the 12ft x 10ft single bedroom?
What use is having a bathroom you can hold a party in??
<actually, now I think of it...>

And why why why, when you replaced the coving in the living room did you cove across the alcoves instead of going into them as would have been the correct way, and why, when we saw you after we had lived here for a year did you proudly proclaim that you had put the coving in question up? You strange little man!

onepieceofcremeegg Mon 30-Mar-09 21:24:00

Why did you feel it was completely unnecessary to toilet train your dh and 4 little boys? shock

The bathroom floor was minging with rotten floorboards. Oh and you didn't clean the loo, there was encrusted poo on the outside of the porcelain.

Thanks for leaving me a cupboard full of cleaning products btw, such a shame you didn't feel the need to use one or two of the items yourself. grin

Oh and it wasn't a particularly fab idea to paint large cartoon characters on the bedroom walls in gloss paint that couldn't be removed. hmm

PussinJimmyChoos Mon 30-Mar-09 21:24:19

Oooh yes!

Why did you not tell us the opening mechanism on bedroom and kitchen windows did not work??! We were broke first time buyers who then had to shell out for new windows!!

Why did you have carpet in the bathroom and tiles with swans under a gold arch on them??!! <boak>

Why didn't you clean before you left?? I did not appreciate manky skirting boards, unclean oven and balls of cat hair from your grumpy Persian all over the radiator knobs

And all the artex....seriously....!!

Habbibu Mon 30-Mar-09 21:24:37

Why did you paint the ceiling of the landing salmon pink? And was the green room with the green carpet supposed to be restful in some way?

hippipotamiHasLost14Pounds Mon 30-Mar-09 21:26:49

And why why why did you paint your kitchen ceiling gloss pink? Was it to match the pink lino on the floor?

MaryMotherOfCheeses Mon 30-Mar-09 21:26:57

Purple carpet in the bathroom.

Which smelled so bad we couldn't stay in the room with the door shut when we first moved in.

How could you put up with that? It absolutely stank.

ChasingSquirrels Mon 30-Mar-09 21:26:59

why, having moved (next door) 10 years ago (and the original house having been knocked down and this one rebuilt in it's place) you STILL haven't told all of the people who send mail to you of your new address.

We even got a xmas card from her sister to here a couple of years ago - ffs.

onepieceofcremeegg Mon 30-Mar-09 21:27:31

Oh yes Puss that comment about the oven reminded me.

Our oven had been cleaned - well, someone had squirted liberal amounts of oven cleaner on top of the stale grease and it nearly caused a fire when we switched the oven on.

The first and only meal I cooked in it tasted of oven cleaner <<boak>>

twoluvlykids Mon 30-Mar-09 21:29:51

Why did you make the small bedroom miniture by making the bathroom palatial?

Why did you put in a green bathroom suite?

Where is the hallway wall?

And where oh where is the B.T. telephone line main socket?????

stealthsquiggle Mon 30-Mar-09 21:30:14

OMG Minty are you living in our house's twin - we had exactly the same, even down to the dark green carpet (all ripped out at vast expense and we now have kitchen-to-die-for).

However - having got the answer to that, mine would be 'Beautifully fitted or not, chip paper on the ceilings (as well as walls) - why? [dispairing wail]

ickletickle Mon 30-Mar-09 21:31:14

is your mother in law underneath the concrete patch in the hallway?

spicemonster Mon 30-Mar-09 21:32:07

Why did you accept my offer and then with a week before exchange, decide you wanted 3k extra for the carpets (when there is bare concrete underneath)?

Why did you put borders on the walls? Why did you paint the living room that foul terracotta when the carpet is dark blue???

feedthegoat Mon 30-Mar-09 21:32:49

Did you actually clean the house at all in the 10 years you lived here?

When you told me the kitchen cupboards needed repainting, did it never occur to you they would look fine with the grease removed? grin

Did you not notice the drips all over every surface you ever glossed?

Why oh why did you feel it nescessary to hammer 50 nails into every wall?

What on earth did you keep in the second bedroom which required 2 such scary looking locks on the outside of the door? (I'm pleased to let you know we've fitted new doors grin)

ByTheSea Mon 30-Mar-09 21:34:15

Why did you do patch jobs all over the house, so it would fall apart on us and we have to spend a fortune to repair everything properly? Arggghhhh!

Thanks, I need that!

ABetaDad Mon 30-Mar-09 21:34:16

When my parents moved into thir new house the previous owner had held a good bye party and left the sewer blocked and the toilet literally overflowing. The rest of the house was filthy.

The previous owner was a dentist as well - goodness knows what his surgery looked like. Would not have had his hands in my mouth that's for sure. shock

bamboo Mon 30-Mar-09 21:34:26

Why did you insist on DIY, when you clearly had no aptitude for it? If you'd have paid tradespeople the electrics would not have been potentially lethal and the toilets would not have flushed with hot water hmm (don't ask me how I discovered this).

onepieceofcremeegg Mon 30-Mar-09 21:35:05

Why did you tell me that the reason it took the bath 1 hour to fill was due to low water pressure?

Didn't you think that it might be all of the rubbish that was in the hot water tank obstructing the pipe?!

How did you manage with no shower and 4 dcs?

smartiejake Mon 30-Mar-09 21:35:43

Why did you install double glazed windows that do not fit the holes? (and leave a pile of leftover windows next to the shed)

Why was there an old school lavatory door in the garage? (along with lots of other crap you had stolen aquired from the school where you were deputy head.)

Why did you install all the plumbing with push rubber fittings (lots of leaks.)

Why is the driveway crappy crazy paving?

Why did you install a posh wet room then not slope the floor adequately so it floods into the hall way every time it is used?

Why were all the doors upstairs painted green on the outside and a different colour on the inside?

Why is there a strange shingle bed next to the patio in the back garden? Did you run out of paving stones?

AHHHHHHH! that's better!

SoupDreggon Mon 30-Mar-09 21:36:18

Why do the bedrooms used by your 2 youngest children have locks on the outside?

Although I do find them rather useful...

stleger Mon 30-Mar-09 21:36:38

Why did you not only carpet the bathroom floor, but when you got to cutting round the bath you carpeted up the bath? And how are you still married when you must have had massive rows to have broken all those small panes of glass in internal doors? And why did the neighbours like you so much?

MaryMotherOfCheeses Mon 30-Mar-09 21:37:20

Why did you put a woollen glove down the bath drain? Really, why did you shove it down there?

Frizbe Mon 30-Mar-09 21:37:25

Minty, if my parents weren't still living in the house they'd done this too, I'd think you were living there grin I have no idea why they've done this, but they seem to think its nice hmm

DEcor crimes inflicted on my house:

-Artex on all ceilings

-All the kitchen cupboards are so narrow there's nowhere to put dinner plates

-Old sash windows painted shut, so you can no longer open them

-carpet on the bathroom floor, I agree with you all - it STINKS and is very unhygenic. WHY?

-anaglypta wallpaper. It's a bugger to get off

Why when you painted your the sitting room could you not be arsed to move the TV and instead painted round it leaving a TV shape/size patch of wall in a totally different colour?

girlandboy Mon 30-Mar-09 21:40:15

The house had been empty for a few weeks before we moved in, but it was a great idea to leave your bathroom window open so your fecking homing pigeons used it as a pigeon loft.

OMG the pigeon shit had to be seen to be believed.

And I never did work out the reason for the curry stains on the lounge ceiling.hmm

ABetaDad Mon 30-Mar-09 21:40:58

When you converted the garage to a living room did you not consider to cap off the sewer properly before puttng laminate down or did you think that the laminate would hold back the stench when the sewer overflowed under the floor boards?

Did you not think that bypassing the fuse box entirely from the lighting circuit was potentially lethal or did you just think it would make he lights brighter?

TheSynOddOneOfWhitby Mon 30-Mar-09 21:43:51

Why the Custard Yellow?
What posessed you???

stealthsquiggle Mon 30-Mar-09 21:43:57

stleger - carpet up side of bath - yes, snape, *2, plus one sunken bath surrounded by carpet hmm

fridayschild Mon 30-Mar-09 21:44:03

Why, when we asked you whether the heating bills were big, did you not say you didn't get any bills because you had "fixed" the gas meter to make sure that no bills came, and truthfully you had no idea how much it cost to heat the house?

The answer, by the way is A Lot.

Seriously Stripeyknickers??


Now that's bad grin

TheCrackFox Mon 30-Mar-09 21:46:28

Why, why, why, did you artex every ceiling and put textured wallpaper on every wall? Actually, I know because it all needed re-plastered you fuckers.

Why did you take out a lovely Victorian fire place 30 years ago and replace it with something out of an Argos catalogue?

Why did you sell the flat to us with appliances included. The day after we moved in I had to buy a washing machine and fridge. We kept our fingers crossed that the cooker didn't explode whilst we saved up for a new one.

Oh and the boiler was on it's last legs too.

Why you somehow attached tubing for the dishwasher to tubing for the upstairs loo, which resulted in a very wierd smell in the kitchen when anyone flushed the loo......? Was that hygienic?

louii Mon 30-Mar-09 21:47:18

Why did you have mismatched wallpaper borders at varying heights in each room of the house, and why oh why were they stuck to the walls with bloody silicone??

Why did you not tell us about the leaky roof? Hiding it behind a bit of plaster board in the attic with a bucket behind it wasn't very nice was it?

Peppermint Patty - I swear its true. I was so skint (first house, on my own after leaving uni), it was over a year before I could afford to decorate. Bugged the hell out of me as my TV was a different size and it was obvious.

Furball Mon 30-Mar-09 21:51:07

why did you make the airing cupboard bigger and so make the (only) bathroom smaller?

DamonBradleylovesPippi Mon 30-Mar-09 21:51:38

why did you live in such a pigsty for 20 years and left dog poo on the floor for us?

LadyOfWaffle Mon 30-Mar-09 21:52:31

WHY did you paint the livingroom white with a lilac stripe that was different widths on different walls?
WHY the woodchip?? why? The walls were fine underneath, or would have been if the dodgy plastering didn't fall down when I steamed the woodchip
WHY artex one wall in the small bedroom so badly it cut my hand (seriously, think sharp icing waves)
WHY oh WHY wallpaper artex effect on the ceiling? Badly?
WHY all the layers of different coloured paint on the doorframes?
WHY build a wall around the pipes, then build a shelf so the sink ended up halfway in the bathroom?
WHY the wonky velux??
WHY did you paint your bathroom bright yellow then superglue coloured glass beads to the walls? It looked like a circus tent.
WHY stick 3 ceramic dolphins on the wall too?

girlandboy Mon 30-Mar-09 21:53:35

Oh yes, and that spongy bit in the garden. Where it felt a bit "springy".

Why go to the trouble of burying your old mattress instead of walking it 100 yards down the road to the tip?

spicemonster Mon 30-Mar-09 21:53:57

Blimey, there's some shocking stuff on this thread shock

Doodle2U Mon 30-Mar-09 21:54:23

Did you lock your small, 4ft wife in the kitchen every night? If not, what were all the scratch marks on the wall paper around the door frame & light?

MintyyAeroEgg Mon 30-Mar-09 21:56:03

pmsl! girl and boy grin

iwontbite Mon 30-Mar-09 21:56:59

do you lot not view houses before you buy them????

RealityIsMyOnlyChocolateEgg Mon 30-Mar-09 21:58:12

Why did you paint every bit of woodwork (doorframes, doors, windowsills, skirts, coving) in garish colours?

WTF is wrong with white?

Why did you hand build (badly) built in cupboards in the front room and then not put the (lovely) oak flooring underneath them?

Why did you bother repainting the smallest bedroom before we moved in, whne you did it so badly? What was the point of that?

<feels better>

And why when you decorated one of the bedrooms and the dining room did you not bother taking the old wallpaper off, instead you just papered on top of what was there. Thanks.

ABetaDad Mon 30-Mar-09 22:01:44

girlandboy - that is truely shocking!

TheSynOddOneOfWhitby Mon 30-Mar-09 22:01:58

Oh and why did you turf over the drain cover in the backgarden? You know - the bit where the lawn goes CLUNK!

sweetkitty Mon 30-Mar-09 22:03:04

Why did you never put up ANY blinds or curtains in the back of the house at all?
Why paint the hall luminous yellow?
Why try and cover the dirty walls by painting random bits with magnolia paint?
Why carpets in the bathrooms?
Why didn't you get the front bedroom window fixed, it was freezing in there?
Why didn't you pay the bills, so I wouldn't get baliffs round and have to prove I wasn't you by showing them my passport?

TheSynOddOneOfWhitby Mon 30-Mar-09 22:03:17

And was it a small child you sprayed round in the garage? I know you did up motorbikes in there but why does the outline on the wall look distinctly.....human.

FAQinglovely Mon 30-Mar-09 22:03:27

why on earth did all of you people that owend our very first home before we did not bother to pull up the old kitchen flooring before you put new down.

As when our house was flooded and the kitchen floor needed to be replaced the fitters had to removed not one, not two, not even three layers of Vinyl - but 5 - it took them bloody hours, and by the time they're ripped up the remains of the 50yr old vinyl (or whatever they used in those days) off the floor the entire floor needed that ghastly screed put on - I was pg at the time and the smell, combined with having all my white goods in my lounge for over 24hrs nearly led me to kill my husband.

And why in gods name did the person who last decorated this house decide that wallpapering the door to the cupboard under the stairs (in the most hideous striper paper ever) the same as the walls was a good idea - I didn't even know the frigging thing existed for 3 days after moving in!

Oh and last ones - you cocky bastards who owned our last house before we did - yes we did eventually find out why you used masonary paint on the bathroom wall, and put the wood panelling along the bottom half of that wall - oh yes we did - when we got fed up of it all flaking off and discovered the entire wall was WET with damp.

cissycharlton Mon 30-Mar-09 22:04:04

Why did you glue the carpet to the floor hmm

Why did you install a shower but no toliet in the en-suite hmm

Why did you paint the lovely original Victorian coving orange hmm

Why did you leave the work surfaces dirty for so long I had to remove the grease using a wallpaper scraper hmm

Why were you such a pair of grasping old bastards hmm

NotanOtter Mon 30-Mar-09 22:04:17

...if you remembered putting £250 in out of use £5 notes in the bedroom cupboard


and 'thanks!' wink

Polgara2 Mon 30-Mar-09 22:06:32

How did you not notice that BOTH toilets were just flushing under the floor downstairs - how could you not smell it and so notice the broken drains?

Why did you not clean the kitchen EVER? In fact why did you not clean anywhere full stop?

How oh how did you not notice that your ds had left a fully loaded poopy pair of underpants in the airing cupboard about 10 years ago? (Offending underpants were age 3-4, the sons were at least 14 and 16 when they left shock). Did you in fact have no sense of smell at all?

Did you think the 2 inch thick line of golden lab dog hairs along the edge of every carpet added to the decor perchance?

stealthsquiggle Mon 30-Mar-09 22:06:33

iwontbite - one word for you - "potential"

We all fell for it grin

whyme2 Mon 30-Mar-09 22:06:46

PMSL at the above.

SadieSunshine Mon 30-Mar-09 22:08:07

Why did you do all your intial corgi training in my house? I can't quite believe a qualified fitter would have made such a hash of replacing a boiler.

3 boiler breakdowns and 2 leaks later...and we've only been in the house 18 months.

DisasterEggs Mon 30-Mar-09 22:08:12

Why on earth did you paint the bathroom acid yellow? was it to go with or to contrast with the avocado suite?

why did you have 2 different floorings on the kitchen floor? lino then a different lino?

why when you decorated the house before putting in on the market did you not move the furniture? why dd you paint around the furniture leaving strange furniture shaped gaps on all the walls? throughout the whole house?

weird lazy bastards.

feedthegoat Mon 30-Mar-09 22:09:38

Stealthsquiggle - I hold Phil and Kirsty responsible! grin

seb1 Mon 30-Mar-09 22:10:07

Surely it would have been better to use picture hooks rather than no-nails to secure your pictures to the wall hmm

Hassled Mon 30-Mar-09 22:10:34

Why did you riddle the house with TV aerial sockets, when none of them were actually connected to the aerial on the roof?

Why did you describe the evil witch next door as "a sweet old thing, really"?

Why did you drill the huge hole in the front room wall? Was it for your Tumble Dryer hose? Because if so that is so stupid!

Also why did you not clean the toilet or Bath, becuase now i have ingrained dirt in the bath that wont come out however much i scrub and i have a stained bog. You also felt it necissary to Carpet the side of the bath with skanky brown carpet, why was that? Was it to match the pink WALLPAPER in the bathroom and the brown tiles?

Also whilst im here why oh why would you cover the second bedroom walls in foam? Oh becuase of damp you say....... did you stop to think that i would never be able to get it off and thats is a nobby idea in the first place and that now if you lean on the walls your hand goes right through them............................... hmmhmmhmmhmm

treedelivery Mon 30-Mar-09 22:11:32

HA! why did you paint the walls pink and the ceilinf, coving, fireplace and woodwork of the 6 origional bay sash windows peach?

It was like being in a battenberg cake.

Why were the bedroom ceilings navy blue?

MrsMcCluskey Mon 30-Mar-09 22:13:04

Did you lot not see your houses before you moved in?

treedelivery Mon 30-Mar-09 22:13:08

sorry but rofl at the foam walls. Perhaps relative bounced off them due to 'ishooos'?

iwontbite Mon 30-Mar-09 22:13:32

hehe yes, I fell for the "potential" thing too. thankfully nothing half as bad as some of the stuff on this thread though grin
we have some rather dodgy electrics and evil textured wallpaper but that's about it.

am pmsl at this though, as is dp

QuackQuackQuackQuack Mon 30-Mar-09 22:16:18

Why did you never visit specsavers to solve your eye problem so that every plug socket and light switch you replaced weren't wonky?

Why did you take (almost) all the skirting boards off the wall in the living room with you and leave the walls looking shocking?

Why did you not tell us you had neighbours from hell who slashed your tyres when you reported their shocking behaviour to the council?

Why oh Why did I have to view your house?

OK to be fair i don't own mine i was rather desoerate when i rented it but still....

The family who are comlete nutter by the way now live in the falt below me, the lady cam up and said,

'have you discovered the foam on the bedroom walls yet?'

'Yes' hmm

'We put it up, the walls were litterally running with water so we thought it would soak it up so we could wallpapr over the top'

me - hmm Yeah thanks for that.............

Quattrocento Mon 30-Mar-09 22:20:08

Thank you very much for cleaning the house exquisitely from top to toe.

I must admit that upon moving out I ripped out the ornate plasterwork you had installed all over the house at great expense. I also filled in all eight niches. What did you put in the niches by the way? What were they for?

The six dustbin liners full of porn in the loft were a bit of a surprise to the plumber, who has never looked us in the eye since.

But the biggest surprise to us was the arrival of the bailiffs. I do understand now why you didn't leave a forwarding address.

FAQinglovely Mon 30-Mar-09 22:22:52

"Did you lot not see your houses before you moved in? "

Well yes we did - but the kitchen flooring - well we could see one (reasonably) nice vinyl on the floor - we didn't know there were another 4 underneath it grin

The bathroom wall and panelling - all freshly painted, no evidence of damp - and wasn't picked up in the survey either (very very clever, put your house on the market at the end of a very hot, very dry summer where the walls have had a chance to dry out considerably wink)

The rented house cupboard under the stairs - well it just looked like a wall to me until DS3 managed to get hold of the "wall" and open it revealing extra storage for me grin

Bleatblurt Mon 30-Mar-09 22:25:51

Why did you paint the bedroom bright orange?

And why then paint the bedroom ceiling bright orange too?

Why the giant porn mirror in the main bedroom? [boak]

Why the purple swirly carpet in the hall?

Why the purple wallpaper in the hall?

Why the dangerous artex in the living room?

Why is every ceiling wallpapered (badly)?

Why is there only skirting on a few of the walls but not an entire room?

WHY OF FUCKING WHY did you tile the farking worktop in the kitchen. TILES, FOR A WORK SURFACE???

Why did you not leave room for a fridge when you put your kitchen in?

Why was the wallpaper ripped on every wall in every room.

And why the fuck did you take all the bloody lightbulbs when you left. Bastards.

iwontbite Mon 30-Mar-09 22:26:11

at least you had a bigger kitchen once the floor came up FAQ! haha
and I did actually laugh out loud at the wallpaper door, that's a classic

UnquietDad Mon 30-Mar-09 22:28:08

I would like to know why we have several light switches which do not appear to do anything.

Also - the "stippled" effect coving and ceiling rose in pink and green and the four different wallpapers in the bedroom. Why, for the love of god, WHY?

Bleatblurt Mon 30-Mar-09 22:29:49

But thank you for not looking in your attic for a long time - the very old Silvercross pram I found only needed a bit of elbow grease and it came up perfect! grin

RealityIsMyOnlyChocolateEgg Mon 30-Mar-09 22:29:54

Oh, god, UD, we have the non-switches as well.


Why did you paint an 8 foot high union jack on the small bedroom wall?

Why did you paint an outer space scene on another bedroom wall, complete with aliens, a 10ft sun, black walls and stars?

Why paint the uPVC window frames in navy blue gloss?

Why knock a wall down between the kitchen and dining room and then suspend cupboards from the beam to recreate two rooms?

Why did you take the roof of the large concrete shed in the garden and just leave 4 walls? Would it not have been easier to knock the whole thing down?

Did you not notice that the electrics were 50 years old and the walls were live?

Why did you never hoover despite having 2 large dogs?

Why the woodchip paper in the kitchen?

Why tongue & groove all the way up the stairs and on the ceiling of the upstairs landing?

FairyCCTaleEnding Mon 30-Mar-09 22:30:05

hassled I think you may have bought my house ...

Aerial sockets predated me, so can't explain, but witch next door ... well, wouldn't you have said the same?!

Tommy Mon 30-Mar-09 22:30:15

why did you leave your stash of porn mags behind the pipework in my bathroom?

yuk angry

FAQinglovely Mon 30-Mar-09 22:30:51

no just meant I had even more trouble reaching the top shelf of my kitchen cupboards grin <<<<<<<<<<<short arse emoticon>>>>>>>>

UnquietDad Mon 30-Mar-09 22:31:14

Is anyone else thinking already that this should go into Classics ?

NotanOtter Mon 30-Mar-09 22:34:08

where do i start?

did you know that your children wrote apologies to you in various places over the house ( on the walls!)

did you not believe in underlay?

when you said you had not had the gas fire serviced - why not just say 'It doesn't work'

did your children never moan that the top floor where they all slept was ARCTIC whilst your floor was toasty warm?

how many lost balls can a family have - i swear we must have found 20 in the garden!

robino Mon 30-Mar-09 22:34:09

I hope you have learned how to fix things without resorting to using "no more nails" sticky stuff to fix EVERYTHING, I'm pretty sure even the manufacturers would be surprised at some idiot using it to stick up hinges.

And why did you decide it was a good idea to run all the plumbing from the new extension at the back of the house UPHILL under the rest of the house rather than simply running it out of the back? Gravity works wonders with helping skanky water run into the drain rather than sitting in a pipe under the living room....

treedelivery Mon 30-Mar-09 22:34:37


FAQinglovely Mon 30-Mar-09 22:36:11

oh god I've just thought of another one from YEARS ago when I was a kid

Why did you paint the kitchen BRIGHT red, with bright yellow ceiling?

And why did you paint the smallest bedroom in green and blue - again very bright. But oh no this wasn't just green and blue. Everything was painted, the door, the door frame, the window sill, the skirting boards, even the frigging light switch, and no you couldn't just do "top half" (including ceiling) blue, and bottom half green, oh no that wasn't enough for you was it? Instead you had to paint little "childlike" trees and shrubs jutting into the blue all away round the room.

And I had to sleep in that room like that for 4yrs - my poor parents couldn't afford to redecorate the entire house to rid it of your hideous decorating. And my room, being the youngest child, came last - so never got done.

katz Mon 30-Mar-09 22:36:32

why did you only have one real plug socket in the living room all the rest we're from various multi-plug running from it?

Why did you just tile over the tiles in the bathroom, once i could possibly understand but 3 layers of tiles?

Why was there only 1 wire coming from the fusebox? the whole house's electric all running from ONE fuse

Why put built in wardrobe in the master bedroom that only a child's clothes could be hung up in?

Why did you not invest in a wallpaper stripper? every room had at least 3 layers of wallpaper if not more

What were you thinking with the living room and stairs carpets?

UnquietDad Mon 30-Mar-09 22:37:25

This is going to end up as a Grauniad article.

Bleatblurt Mon 30-Mar-09 22:38:10

Oh and why was the main BT phone thingy in the master bedroom? Was that so you'd have privacy on the internet in front of your porn mirror?

Really got to get rid of that mirror.

FAQinglovely Mon 30-Mar-09 22:38:37

oh yes - and previous tenants/owners of this house - why are there no less than 6 (that I've counted so far?) phone sockets in the house. Well there are now 7 because I had Virgin installed and all of the others were either old and defunct or BT [confused]

kittykat21 Mon 30-Mar-09 22:42:48

Why was every single room painted bright yellow? took ages to repaint!!!

Why was the 2nd bedroom door/skirting boards/window sill painted in dark blue gloss?

Why is there a light with no light switch?!

Why were bits of carpet missing downstairs? Although now have laminate, much nicer.

Why is there a picture of a big pig in a bathtub on our bathroom tiles? looks ridiculous!

kitkatqueen Mon 30-Mar-09 22:43:11

Why oh why did you leave silver builders safety hat and very large pair of blue pants in a box in the loft??? I mean seriously - what kind of weird fetish do you have?? hmm

kitkatqueen Mon 30-Mar-09 22:47:00

And!!!!!! WTF does that light switch do???? I've been here 9 years and I still can't figure it out!!!!!

HarryJoesMummy Mon 30-Mar-09 22:53:30

Why did you paper the main bedroom in white vinyl wallpaper with red and green diagonal stripes and the occasional red or green apple shape?

Why did you not tell us that the bathroom plaster was in pieces, so when we took the bathroom wallpaper off, half the wall came off too?

Why the woodchip on the living room ceiling, which took a solid week to steam off?

Did you not realise that an implement called the spirit level had been invented, to help you put up things like curtain poles straight?

Oh, and thanks for hiding a huge bright pink nail varnish stain under the sofa in the living room when we came to view the house. It was a lovely surprise when we came to move in hmm

Quattrocento Mon 30-Mar-09 22:55:56

Oh and the other thing, why did you develop a plug socket fetish? I mean it is nice to have lots of plug sockets, but it's not necessary to have ten in every bedroom. Also why are all the extra plug sockets at waist height?

TheSynOddOneOfWhitby Mon 30-Mar-09 22:56:21

Maybe KitKat21's switchless light needs KitKatQueen's light switch.

BananaFruitBat Mon 30-Mar-09 22:58:49

Why didn't you clean out the gutters?

How the hell did you cope with rain water pouring down the inside of the window?

Califrau Mon 30-Mar-09 22:59:05

You could have mentioned that the neighbours are arseholes. angry
Yopu could also have thought about using sensible paints on teh murals in the tiny room cos after 8 layers of paint we ended up hiring a steamer and took 3 farking weeks stripping the evil woodchip hmm

You should not have bought new carpet to make the living room more attractive. It made it look worse and we gave it to charity instantly!

MintyyAeroEgg Mon 30-Mar-09 23:00:29

Ooooooh am liking the sound of that diagonal stripe/apple wallpaper HJM.

Stayingsunnygirl Mon 30-Mar-09 23:02:43

Dh viewed (but strangely didn't buy) a flat that not only had purple carpet on the bathroom floor and up the side of the bath, but up the walls and across the ceiling too!!!

Notalone Mon 30-Mar-09 23:07:37

Why did you block off the drainage in the garden with concrete just so you could engrave your names and the year you moved in. I am sure it was ver romantic but it caused the fecking house to flood everytime it rained.

Why was the ugly mahogany bed built into both the walls and the even uglier wardrobes so we could not put our own bed in without demolishing the whole bloody thing? Why didn't you tell the bloody bed was built in when you heard us talking about our lovely bed that we couldn't wait to put in that room. Oh, and why were both the lamps and the clock radio also built into the wall so they could not ever be removed or even unplugged. WHY???

Why did you hide the lack of oven door with a cleverly draped tea towel when we came to look at the house? We only discovered this when we actually moved in and went to cook dinner. Oh and why didn't you tell me the oven was on its last legs and only one of the hobs worked?

Why, oh why was the interior the shower made partly of wood. Wood ROTS you stupid stupid idiots? Especially when wet.

What gave you the idea to put brown long pile carpet in the hallway with mint green woodchip walls? Was like a giant mint choc chip icecream and it did not look good ok?

Why did you let your dogs piss all over the carpet in the lounge. When we removed the carpet it was that bad it had rotted the wood underneath?

Why did you never clean your kitchen cupboards so me and a friend had to spend a whole evening scrubbing them to get rid of the brown sticky stains?

What went through your head when you decided to get arty and paint the kitchen cupboards blue with flowers on the handles. After the expense of rest of the house we couldn't afford to replace the kitchen.

Why did you not have any carpet in your DC's room aside from a manky rug. Oh, and why did you leave all their posters behind? Was it perhaps to cover the holes in the walls.

Phew - think thats it. My god I hated those people when I moved in!

hatwoman Mon 30-Mar-09 23:12:23

loving this thread.

why did you keep your porn stash in that bit of cellar that was basically a rubble-filled hole in the ground?

did you know that we've still got the plastic shark that we found behind the radiator? it's taken on a slightly iconic status. it would be bad luck to throw it away.

why, given that the kitchen is a nice size and could have been a divided up into a comfortable kitchen-breakfast/play-room type scenario did you so unimaginatively put units round three walls making it look all lumpish and, well, unimaginative?

why did you let the kitchen installer box in the plug for the hob extrator and light meaning that when the fuse blew we had to knock a hole in the hood (which is now nicely covered by children's art work?)

NotanOtter Mon 30-Mar-09 23:15:24

thanks for leaving the cellar full of crap when it was in the contract not to - and you pointed this clause out o us and 'still' did it

Why haven't you redirected your post in the ten months we've lived here? It isn't for lack of funds - we've forwarded a copy of every known 'family' holiday catalogue and brochure for luxury goods. I live in fear of the baliffs arrival as you are plainly either insanely rich or horribly profligate...

Why didn't you replace the broken wonky slabs at the side of the house -it isn't supposed to be crazy paving you know!

Why have you never replaced the filter in the extractor fan?

NotanOtter Mon 30-Mar-09 23:15:57

it was sweet of you to leave the window cleaner bill for £45

Hathor Mon 30-Mar-09 23:16:29

Why did you take the light-bulbs and the blummin loo-roll holder and leave a large vomit stain at the foot of the stairs? You didn't do any cleaning from the time we signed the contract to when you moved out did you? You disgustin pigs.

And why were you still here after we had collected the keys from the agents?

NotanOtter Mon 30-Mar-09 23:17:43

ahhh the loo roll holder that was kind

hope it fitted in your new bathroom

Hathor Mon 30-Mar-09 23:20:30

Why didn't you give your new address to one old lady who sends you a Christmas card every year? Let me guess: did she vomit on your carpet just before you moved house????

NotanOtter Mon 30-Mar-09 23:22:43

it was kind of you to come back from your new house ( in France) and 'steal' the sundial a month after we had moved in!

BoffinMum Mon 30-Mar-09 23:23:43

Why oh why did you strip the coating off all the taps with some chemical so they all needed replacing?

And block the dishwasher with rice to the point which it died?

And spend hundreds getting a fancy patio laid down, with no concrete but just laying it on sand, so it is an uneven deathtrap now?

And install silly side-by-side speaker points in every room for a DIY centralised sound system, but not finish it off, so there are wires hanging out of the living room wall for no reason?

NotanOtter Mon 30-Mar-09 23:24:04

Why did you put he plug sockets so low on the skirting board that you cant actually 'get' any plugs in it as they are scraping along the floor

NotanOtter Mon 30-Mar-09 23:25:52

Your stock of 1974 Mead was NOT enjoyed when we moved in

NotanOtter Mon 30-Mar-09 23:28:04

Oh yes - It was odd because I was pregnant but had not suffered from any sickness until...

dh opened the compost bin by your back door.....after i had puked all over the patio - we threw it on the skip but could still smell it after the skip had gone.....

<barf at memory>

NotanOtter Mon 30-Mar-09 23:29:59

<dp just gagged at memory>

smurfgirl Mon 30-Mar-09 23:37:42

Why did you put a kitchen in, with NO DRAWERS? Where did you keep your knives and forks?!

What were you thinking when you wallpapered your bedroom in lime green and orange, its hardly restful!

Simplysally Mon 30-Mar-09 23:38:53

Why didn't you ever dust the place or clean your cooker hood? Or indeed the inside of the oven [boak].

Small crimes compared to some on here (the decorating is fine if a little.... tedious being all magnolia..) but I'm sure the girl in Tescos thought I had a cleaning OCD when she saw my trolley packed with cleaning products... two of everything bathroom related... and no food hmm.

And your manky glasses/mugs/cutlery/sheets/towels.

They're in the garage if you want them back grin.

Twinklemegan Mon 30-Mar-09 23:39:01

OK, here goes.

Woodchip on every bloody wall. Why? Woodchip painted dark green and orange, painted over in magnolia for selling (thank God). Were you colour blind?!

Vinyl flooring with hairy backing stuck down to wooden floors with what seems like superglue. Did you even consider the person who had to scrape it off?

Why oh why oh why put the living space upstairs, including the kitchen where there is NO hot water supply (apart from a mini water heater) when there is no view because you can't reach to see out of the veluxes. Then divide up the downstairs with a poky corridor that makes it feel like a council flat. Why oh why oh why?

And why didn't you tell us that reason you're drinking bottled water isn't the tiny risk of bacteria identified by the Council, to be fixed (my arse), it's because the water that comes out of the tap is like POND WATER!!

We knew the house needed work, we just didn't realise we needed to do a conversion of a conversion!

mrshippy Mon 30-Mar-09 23:39:52

Why did you use Monoply board to fix one of the cupboards.

Why where there cuddly toy parrots in almost every room and why did you leave them there?

Why did you, cleverly and correcly, put sticky tape over the area of tile where you drilled, but then leave it there and attach the shower rail on top of it?

Why is there (still) a womans boot stuck and now half rotted into the top of the washing line post.

Why did you use what appears to be plaster of paris and bandages to block holes.

Why did you GLUE a grey carpet on top of the quarry tiles in the kitchen - why did you choose to put a carpet in there in the 1st place? Surely slippers or a washable rug would have been better.

I could go on...

Twinklemegan Mon 30-Mar-09 23:40:48

Oh God I forgot, did you not clean the kitchen ONCE in your whole time here? It took me and my mum 2 days to clean it, and the oven was only fit for throwing out.

jumpingbeans Mon 30-Mar-09 23:42:11

I know you worked in a dockyard, but why for the love of god, paint he whole house, yes the whole house battle ship grey

NotanOtter Mon 30-Mar-09 23:53:22

The gold leaf coving <whispers> 'sorry but no one liked it!'

Antdamm Tue 31-Mar-09 00:04:52

Why did you put woodchip on the ceiling in the sitting room, but leave one wallpaper width strip free from woodchip??

Why did you paint the sitting room salmon pink with mint green skirting boards?? And then put down a horrendously minging dark green carpet.

Why do none of the cupboard doors in the kitchen match, there are four different kinds and two of them are covered in that stick on 'woodgrain' vinyl. Yuk

Why is the wallpaper in the kitchen cut squint - it has lines in the pattern on it ffs - and why oh why is one of the strips of wallpaper hung upside down???

Why was the main bedroom painted a garish purple ON TOP of wallpaper AND a border that was peeling off??

Why did you paint the hall and one of the bedrooms in a glossy peach paint??

Why did you decide to use 2 DIFFERENT types of textured wallpaper on 2 walls in the same bedroom??

Why did you paint the bathroom and one of the bedrooms Custard yellow? Did u want your bedroom to remind you of the bathroom?

Why did you paper textured wallpaper on top of wallpaper and a textured border so thick that it actually is visible under the textured wallpaper??? Thats just plain lazy.

Why is there a shelf connecting one cupboard in the kitchen to another??

Why did you leave behind massive pots of custard yellow paint and glossy peach paint in our loft - did you think we would want to use it??

Why, when you had your kitchen floor tiled did you decide to not do the whole floor?? Just doing up to where you put your kitchen units in, leaving a two foot gap around the kitchen walls. So that when the kitchen is to be ripped out, we have to replace the floor as the tiles are no longer available....?

Why did you decide to use fake wood panelling in the alcove in the kitchen? It looks dire. And why oh why did you decide to hide a plug socket in there?? With a little panel that you have to pop out if you want to turn the damn plug off.

Why did you insist on putting downlighters in every room?? Electricity bill was sky high. Why did you feel it necessary to put two downlighters in the alcove in the sitting room - it was only about two feet wide? Was this to illuminate anything in particular?? Because all that you had there was your tv....Why?

Think thats it....

Antdamm Tue 31-Mar-09 00:06:18

Oh forgot to add,

Why did you insist on having gold door handles on every door and those lightswitch covers - also gold on every lightswitch??

gomez Tue 31-Mar-09 00:09:49

Having had a bad day, a very large plumbers bill and a smelly house...

Why did you build the kitchen extenstion over the one and only manhole cover for the foul water drains.....

Then cover the fecker with (very nice, very expense, oh very broken) slate tiles.

You arse!

Feel better now, thanks.

NotanOtter Tue 31-Mar-09 00:11:34

oh gomez shock

gomez Tue 31-Mar-09 00:14:08

Thanks NotanOtter.

But still what are arse, eh!

Couldn't believe when I saw this thread tonight what an opportune moment.

I'll see your woodchip and dodgy coving and give you an utterly blocked waste system smile

BoffinMum Tue 31-Mar-09 07:11:05

My god this thread is utterly cathartic. grin

hippipotamiHasLost14Pounds Tue 31-Mar-09 08:21:56

Why did you paint all the original sash windows shut, then have locks fitted on them and lost the keys? Did you not like fresh air or was this part of your zombie plan?

QuintessentialShadow Tue 31-Mar-09 08:49:10

Why did you paint your kitchen walls pink?

Why did you install such a large bathroom sink that it annexted 1/3 of the space for the bathtub, covering the bathtub taps? and why, avocado suite, brown carpet and snot coloured tiles? <groan>

Why did you make a fake ceiling in the bathroom, ensuring that the ceiling height was really suitable for very small people?

Why did you think it was a good idea to extend your kitchen sideways, then take the electric circuits from the BATHROOM upstairs? Did the thought of blowing the fuse and plummeting the house into darkness everytime somebody had a shower whilst also running the dishwasher amuse you?

Why did you not tell your bank, building society, pension planner, financial advisor, employer, doctor, football club, etc that you moved? Or order Royal mail forwarding?
We binned all the letters as we had no forwarding address.

AND TO YOUR OLD NEIGHBOUR: WHY DID YOU THINK IT A GOOD IDEA TO HIDE A BODY IN SACKS AND BURY IT AT THE BOTTOM OF YOUR GARDEN, BY OUR FENCE, THEN MOVE?? Oh dont answer that, we know why you moved. Who'd live with a corpse in their garden? hmm

or hang on a second......

QuantitativeMeasure Tue 31-Mar-09 09:12:44

Oh Good thread.

Why did you tell us that you had lost the key for the patio door on the day that we came to view? Why could you not be honest and tell us that the door was broke beyond repair and would need replacing?

brettgirl2 Tue 31-Mar-09 09:31:16

I can't beat a body in the garden next door but ours was pretty nasty....... (we did view but in our price range at the time had very limited options and the house was unsurprisingly cheap wink)

Why did you wallpaper the whole downstairs with wallpaper that looked like green Christmas wrapping paper?

Why didn't you make your children play football outside? Although not enormous, the garden is bigger and more suitable than the lounge/diner. It might have helped to save the carpets. You might have also found that the garden was bigger than you thought, if you had cut back the out of control hedges.

When having the double glazing fitted why didn't you complain to the company at the time that there were enormous gaps between the walls and the windows and take the appropriate action?

Why did you have to cook such smelly food that it took five years to completely get rid of the smell? Why didn't you make your children eat at a table so that they didn't drop their dinners all over the living room?

Why did you paint the blind in the kitchen luminous yellow with the nasty brown still showing through?

Why did you leave your ornaments in the living room? We assumed you didn't want them so took them down the tip - I didn't expect you to come back for them a year afterwards and be offended when I didn't have them. Generally if you want something, it's a good idea to take them with you.

Why did you put an additional toilet into the tiny 'bathroom' next to the separate toilet? The existence of two toilets may have been mildly useful, but the fact that as a result there was no bath I found distinctly annoying. While I'm on about the bathroom why did you put brown marble look alike plastic on the walls? I didn't find it fully convincing. Also, why was there a light which turned into a heater when you turned it off?

Why did you mend nothing? How did you live with a broken cooker? How on earth did you cope with a hole in the hose on the shower (when you didn't have a bath either). OK - maybe I know the answer to that question - yeuk! I wouldn't mind, but it only cost £2.50 from B&Q to buy a replacement.

Why did you let your children take food and drinks upstairs into their shared bedroom when clearly they enjoyed throwing them at each other?

Nine years later, I have a really nice house grin

Why did you feel that newspaper would do the job of underlay just as well? It doesn't.

Why did you have two toilets put side by side in the same bathroom, did you sit on the loo holding hands? hmm

MitchyInge Tue 31-Mar-09 10:19:06

I feel SO much better about the state of my own hovel after reading this grin

On the corpse front, out neighbours were doing some work in their garden..... found a stash of bones.... called the police. Forensics arrived, and probably SOCOs (I love that abbreviation, don't know why). Great excitement in neighbourhood, and hushed whispers, and speculation.

The bones turned out to be cat bones. The remains of a number of beloved felines that once belonged to the neighbour on the other side.

Wtf were they doing burying their cats in the next door neighbours' garden??! hmm

girlandboy Tue 31-Mar-09 10:21:53

StripeyKnickers - love the image of side by side toilet trips.grin

hoarsewhisperer Tue 31-Mar-09 10:23:09

Why did you think you could recreate the effect of double glazing by sticking two single glazed windows one on top of the the kitchen?? it was a condensation trap and had to be ripped out.

Why did you not have legs on your radiators and instead left them propped up on piles of bricks?

why did you plant a huge bush righ outside a pair of french doors, thus making it impossible to open them and cutting off nearly all the light in the room

why did you have the loo in the bathroom right by the door so you fell over it when you came was especially stupid given that the waste pipe was on the other side of the room where the loo should have been

why did you rip all the original wooden doors out and replace them with plywood rubbish which we had to bin

why did you cement a BBQ into the back patio? possibly because the kitchen was so SH*T you couldn't bring yourself to cook in it and BBQ'ed every day instead. Even worse, why did you have the effrontery to get all offended when you walked past the house and saw the thing lying in the skip, asking me "what else have you done to my house" wasn';t yours anymore

Why did you have a polestyrene ceiling in the sitting room - does the words fire trap mean anything?

did you ever clean?

Did anyone ever tell you you were the greediest people known to mankind the way you tried to screw every penny out ofus and convince us we were in a (nonexistent)bidding war? Luckily we gave you a take it or leave it 12 hour ultimatum....guess took it because there was no bidding war.

I feel strangely better now.....

girlandboy Tue 31-Mar-09 10:23:50

QuintessentialShadow - A corpse!!!



Or What's?

rubyslippers Tue 31-Mar-09 10:27:45

fab thread

why, oh why, did you put a door with GLASS panels on the bathroom - was peeing a spectator sport?!

when you build the side extenstion, would it not have been sensible to put a door at the end of it, so you could reach the garden that way

you hung the wardrobe doors upside down in what is now DS's bedroom - that is why they look odd

i found a sausage in the flower bed the day after we moved in - i assume your dog have left it there hmm

could you not have set up a postal redirection service - am sick of forwarding your mail on after a YEAR

oh, and if your DS was a plumber, why did everything leak?

<<and breathe>>

rubyslippers Tue 31-Mar-09 10:28:59

side by side loos grin & hmm

compo Tue 31-Mar-09 10:31:03

what were you thinking of having a pink lounge?
what were you thinking of doing the electrics yourself in a dangerous and illegal way?
what were oyu thinking of letting your disgusting dog bit chunks out of the insdie walls in the porch?

Linnet Tue 31-Mar-09 10:31:22

Ok, I have to say to my old neighbour, why did you feel the need to hammer nails in every wall in every room, how much stuff did you have hanging up? We were still finding them in odd places after we'd been here for 2 years. Also why did you sign your name in the oddest places?, on the hot water tank cover, on the wall in the cupboard at the end of the hall etc

For those of you who keep mentioning woodchip wallpaper on the walls and ceilings can I just ask, what should you put up instead?

My entire house is wallpapered in woodchip, has been like this since we moved in 9 years ago. It doesn't bother me too much to be honest although sometimes I do think about striping the living room but I can't seem to find any wallpaper that it just plain and can be painted onto it's all patterns or textured.

so, what would you put up? just out of interest.

madrush Tue 31-Mar-09 10:32:30

Did you really smoke enough to make hall and living room walls and woodwork that grimy tobacco stain colour in your 5 years here, or did you deliberately choose the colour?

Oh and was it necessary to paint all the ceilings in the dark, you really missed some huge areas .... and I haven't finished redoing them all yet.

RealityIsMyOnlyChocolateEgg Tue 31-Mar-09 10:34:25

Why, when you replaced all the windows ten years ago, did you not replace the draughty, ugly, aluminium front and back doors at the same time?

Linnet - I wouldn't put up any wallpaper, I'd just paint the walls. I'd replaster them first if they needed doing. Can't bare painted wallpaper.

LucyJones Tue 31-Mar-09 10:37:30

oh dear poor deceased previous owners.....

why did you paint your bathroom canary yellow and fit it with a canary yellow bath, toilet and sink to match? didn't you know we can't afford a new bathroom so we're stuck with it?

why didn't you teach your grown up children to clear the house out properly after you'd gone? instead they left us a shed full of useless bits of wood, a loft full of useless bits of old carpet and wallpaper and a house full of furntiture we didn't want and a garage full of half empty paint tins (in aforementioned canary yellow)?

and finally why were you so friendly with yuor enighbours because now they feel the need to be just as friendly with us and tbh they annoy the tits off me?

grin, ah that feels better

titchy Tue 31-Mar-09 10:41:46

Why didn't you point out to us that actually the indoor bbq gadget on the hob wasn't really practical because the industrial strength extractor fan didn't work properly.

LIZS Tue 31-Mar-09 10:46:35

why did you put a chest freezer in a shed halfway down the garden, then build the shed around it so it can't easily be removed as it is too big to pass through the door !

theDreadPiratePerArdua Tue 31-Mar-09 10:49:31

Why did you remove all the walls around your bedroom, so that the stairs opened straight into a cold, draughty room with your bed in the middle and tie-me-down hooks on either side?

And with the main bathroom downstairs, and as a single man who had his young son for the occasional overnight, why did you decide that the small cupboard upstairs would be most useful as a shower? (but then use it as a loo...)

RealityIsMyOnlyChocolateEgg Tue 31-Mar-09 10:50:05

Why did you ask us if we needed your gas oven, and whne we said no thanks, we had our own electric one, why did you not mention that there is no electric oven point in the kitchen?

We had a whole conversation!

QuintessentialShadow Tue 31-Mar-09 10:52:55

girlandboy - It was quite old, they closed the case quietly. New neighbours found it when redoing their overgrown garden. Lots of police!

girlandboy Tue 31-Mar-09 10:57:40

Oooh, at least all we found was the old mattress buried in our garden.

Oh, and dh has just reminded me that he dug up 2 bikes as well. I forgot about those!

LIZS Tue 31-Mar-09 10:59:26

dh assures me there is no body in our freezer ..... Now you're making me less keen to redo our wild bit fo garden - the resident foxes are bad enough .

blondiep14 Tue 31-Mar-09 11:32:03

Linnet - lining paper if the walls aren't up to being painted

jeee Tue 31-Mar-09 11:33:29

I wonder what the people who have my house next will say about me? blush

flippineck Tue 31-Mar-09 11:54:51

Did you know you'd left all your dried flower arrangements/wall decorations behind? There was quite a lot, your new house must look very empty. And you left the concrete hedgehog (complete with Nike hat) in the garden.

How long did it take you choose the pearlised wallpaper for the living room?

Jux Tue 31-Mar-09 12:02:15

Why did you allow so many people who never lived here that they could use your address? (Yes, we know they're friends of yours.) We are constantly sending bailiffs away.

iwontbite Tue 31-Mar-09 12:10:20

i feel I should maybe defend (slgihtly) some of these poor previous owners.

the "pretend" double glazing is called secondary double glazing. yes, it is basically another single glazed window placed behind the original. my parents had this in their house, provided by the council to try and cut out noise when they wideened a road behind the house.

newspaper as underlay, again, my parents had this because we were frigging poor and they couldn't afford underlay, let alone new carpet. my bedroom carpet came from the pub my nana worked in when they chucked it out hmm
it's better than nothing!

and as for the corpse... well what would YOU do with someone you just killed? it's standrard practice to bury it somewhere surely? lol :P

nappyzonecannotcycleuphill Tue 31-Mar-09 12:16:26

House 1: Why did you carpet over the tiles in the kitchen - was it to hide the rabbit dropping we had to scrape up?

Why could you not sweep out the wardrobes of all your matted hair and empty tampax boxes and wrappers?

House 2: Why as a bloke are you so special and clean? i thank you for leaving our house like a shiney clean penny but please as a new build why pick a whisper peach bathroom suite? it is the bain of my life!

GooseyLoosey Tue 31-Mar-09 12:19:27

Why did you put wallpaper on sideways?

Why did you leave the fridge and freezer full of food and what were you going to do with the bacon that was a month past its sell by date?

Why did you have tiny bits of carpet all over the house? Where did they come from and what were they for?

What was the urine stain on the dining room floor from?

Why were the cupboards in the kitchen nailed shut?

Why did one room have no sockets at all?

I could think of more.

NorbertDentressangle Tue 31-Mar-09 12:23:30

-Why did you give us the ends of rolls of wallpaper from when you last decorated in the 1960's? Did you really think we might want to just re-touch the faded bits (rather than knock walls out, take off the old crumbling plaster etc which is what we did)?

-Were you a big fan of jigsaw puzzles? Its just that that may explain why the carpet in at least 3 rooms was made up of loads of different sized pieces all carefull put together to cover the room

-What made you think that yellow gloss on the walls was a good choice of decor for the bathroom?

HeadFairy Tue 31-Mar-09 12:29:41

Why did you lay seagrass matting throughout the flat, including the bathroom, which when wet turned in to soggy straw and rotted?

Why did you apparently superglue this matting to the lovely original Victorian floorboards underneath and therefore destroy said lovely original Victorian floorboards?

Why did you strip out every tiny original feature, including (according to the freeholder) all the ceiling roses, internal doors (replaced with hideous cheap B&Q monstrosities), original Victorian molding and two beautiful fireplaces?

Why did you fit a kitchen so badly it sloped to one wall so that nothing round (eggs, potatoes, carrots) could be placed on the worktops without rolling gently to the other end of the kitchen?

Why did you remove all the original sash windows and replace them with terrible windows of such poor quality they rotted within ten years of fitting and had to be replaced at great expense by me?

Why when you fitted the (cheap and inefficient) boiler did you allow the fitter to use pipes so narrow the gas couldn't actually make it from the meter to boiler two floors up thus rendering said boiler useless?

You didn't even have the excuse of the 1970s to blame, you converted that flat in the early 90s you fool!

citronella Tue 31-Mar-09 12:34:31

to the op -

Why did you buy the house wink

SoupDreggon Tue 31-Mar-09 12:40:21

To the owners of a house we didn't buy

Why did your doorbell play "Land of Hope and Glory"? I nearly had to hide down the side alley when I heard it because I was crying with laughter.

Why were there so many electrical sockets? Including ones in the wardrobes and kitchen cupboards?

Why did you proudly tell us you'd installed the kitchen yourself and it was held up by very large nails?

SlebMner Tue 31-Mar-09 12:42:51

why did you glue the anaglypta wall paper to the stairwell and up the wall to the top floor of the house? it was a bastard to get off

PlumpChocEggyBaps Tue 31-Mar-09 13:01:14

Where did you get the special kitchen units that all have big holes in their backs, meaning all pots/pans etc keep falling out?

Why did you knock the kitchen and dining room into one room and not level the floors properly, thereby causing a slope halfway along the floor?

Why did you not bother plastering behind your huge American-style fridge, leaving bare bricks?

Why didn't you fill in the holes in the brickwork so that mice couldn't get in? (and be cruelly murdered by two mouse-loving cats)

And wtf was the deal with the water(less) feature?!?

trixymalixy Tue 31-Mar-09 13:06:57

I know your great great great great great, fifteen times removed second cousin was Irish, so you like to pretend you are from the emerald isle, but did that really mean you need to paint every room green and orange!!

Why why why when you made a bit of a mistake on cutting the skirting board on the stairs and go a bit too far, not just start afresh rather than leave the one with an extra saw channel in it. Oh and that goes for the door frames too!

Why the shag pile and wood panelling in the utility room? the shag pile was lovely and mouldy underneath when we removed it.

And to the people who owned the flat before our current house before us. Why did you never clean, did you not realise you were infested with larder beetles. Makes me shudder even now 10 years later!!!

theDreadPirateRabbit Tue 31-Mar-09 13:06:59

Still chortling at Head Fairy's kitchen. Did you invite people in to play party games? I would've grin

HensMum Tue 31-Mar-09 13:10:54

Why did you use towel rails as curtain poles? Actually, I suspect it was because they are cheaper but we can't take down the bloody curtains! And they look shit!

Why didn't you tell us that there was a tupperware box under the bath to catch the drips? We only found out when it overflowed.

Didn't you miss the complete set of false teeth jammed behind the bedroom radiator?
And did you know (no you couldn't have done) what your teenage son kept under his bedroom carpet?

You never came back for the rats, by the way.
But (good news) we managed to get that large plastic horse out of the sewage pipe. Eventually.

NotPlayingAnyMore Tue 31-Mar-09 13:17:54

WHY did you paint the front door, brass house numbers and letterbox in a mixture of woodstain, paint and creosote?

WHY didn't you use an undercoat before painting the red kitchen bright yellow?

WHY didn't you position the bath with the taps end beside the wall so that installing a shower attachment would be possible without piddling water all over the floor?

WHY did you then also put the toilet and sink in the same corner leaving enough room to swing a DC?

WHY did you experiment with the look of pink paint only on one part of one radiator?

WHY did you decorate my bedroom wall with leaves then try to disguise them with a different shade of paint?

Having said all that, it seems I got off lightly! shock

Rhubarb Tue 31-Mar-09 13:20:59

I rent and I'd like to know why most of the houses we end up are badly affected by condensation mould? Why, when I first notice the smell, the estate agents fob me off by saying that the house has not been lived in?
Why, if you had no problems with mould before, was there fresh paint on the walls most badly affected?
Why, when you know we have children living here, would you tell the agents to tell us that we have to move the furniture round on a regular basis, have the heating on and open all windows every day?
Why you would bodge important things like securing the attic opening properly, so that it does not fall down on dh (could have been the kids) one day?
Why would you only do short-term repairs on the boiler so that it breaks down on a regular basis leaving us with no hot water?
Why would owners presume that renters are happy to live in botched, badly maintained houses? Do you really think we are that desperate? It's not good enough for you to live in so you think you can pass it off on the likes of us?

frankie3 Tue 31-Mar-09 13:24:45

Why did you leave behind your manky, smelly old double bed, that we had to get rid of.
And why did you never clean your hob, so I had to scrape the fat and grease off with a knife.
And the fitted cupboards in the lounge were fake cupboards, just the front parts of cupboards put on the wall to hide piles of unfinished brickes and concrete.
And how could you have ever had a bath in that bathroom, the bath thick with black grime and dirt?

wannaBe Tue 31-Mar-09 13:26:12

(in house before this one)

Why did you smoke in the downstairs cloke room, which had no window, thus leaving the doors and walls yellow and unable to get rid of the smell until we had it painted?

fircone Tue 31-Mar-09 13:29:11

why did you try to remove the light fittings and leave the wires all exposed?

why did you not tell us that there is zero television reception here and can't get Sky.

why did you not tell us you'd had a 17-year long feud with evil neighbour?

and do you want your copy of "How to make love to the same person for the rest of your life" back?

BoffinMum Tue 31-Mar-09 13:33:14

A house we viewed before buying this one ...

... did one of your adult children, having watched House Doctor, tell you houses sold better these days if painted neutral colours? Is that why your bought a job lot of builder's magnolia emulsion and painted one thin coat over every single flat surface, original feature, area of embossed wallpaper and plasterwork problem, including the original oak front door? Obviously doing so whilst chain smoking as the fag smoke was apparently permanently embedded in the paint effect?

mistlethrush Tue 31-Mar-09 13:34:23

On a house that I didn't contemplate buying once I had seen it:

Why did you point out that all the pine cladding throughout the kitchen (walls, floor to ceiling) was your own work in the last 5 years - it was a throwback to the 70's and would have been a nightmare to get off and redo?

Why did you think that pointing out the damp patches in the basement and saying 'don't worry, its not damp, my dog comes down here to have a wee when I'm out' was a positive thing to say...?

happywomble Tue 31-Mar-09 13:37:57

Yes why didn't you tell us there was no TV reception?

Why didn't you tell us all the plug sockets were single sockets?

Did you have to take out all your bathroom fittings leaving holes in several tiles?

Other than that we have been pretty lucky with our house!

Indith Tue 31-Mar-09 13:38:02

Love this thread grin

Am slightly scared though as we are thinking of buying. Shall now check for buried mattresses, foam walls, blocked drains etc with extra care grin

To my dear landlady,

Why the woodchip and artex? Why?

And why, when you did the damp proofing did you not strip and re-paint the whole wall? Did you think that it added a certain something to have the lower third of the wall bare, painted plaster with the upper third in woodchip?

Why, when you clearly went to the trouble of damp proofing did you not do it properly? Why do I still get mould in half my house?

Why the red carpets?

Why is the living room 3 different shades of green, none of which go together?

Diud you paint the house such horrible colours to go with the cheap paintings you've hung or did you find the paintings to match the rooms?

Why bother getting a brand new cooker if after living here a few months we already have to turn everything half way through cooking ot get it to cook evenly?

Why did you not remove the extra sensitive extra loud fire alarm that goes off whenever you have a shower or cook anything (it went off when I cooked pancakes the other day, I beg of you!)

Why is the washing machine plumbed badly into the sink so that you have to remember to remove all washing fromt he machine before doing the washing up to avoid all your clean clothes being soaked in dish water?

Why does it smell of rotten eggs when you first run the kitchen taps? I have put every chemical in the world down all the drains yet it still persists.

Oh I do feel better grin

mistlethrush Tue 31-Mar-09 13:42:22

I think that there is something about rented houses and red and or red swirly carpets - I can still vividly remember one from my student days - the pattern repeat was probably about 2m shock

trixymalixy Tue 31-Mar-09 13:44:02

All this makes me think that snagging lists on a brand new house woudn't be so bad after all!!!!!!

MrsMattie Tue 31-Mar-09 13:46:06

Why did you carpet the kitchen?

Why (WHY? WHY?) did you paint the banister, floorboards, doors and woodwork in black gloss?

Why did you plant so very many hideous, poisonous, spiky old plants in the garden?

ChippyMinton Tue 31-Mar-09 13:58:20

LOL at this thread. I think Laurence Llewellyn Bowen & his changing room cronies have a lot to answer for.

In my pervious owner'es defence the house was spotless but...

Why did you panel over the front room's fireplace wall with orange tongue & groove, and cover the ceiling with patterned polystyene tiles?

When you extended the back room, why did you make the new ceiling lower by a whole 18" than the existing ceiling?

How did you amass such a collection of patterned anaglypta wallpapers - 13 at the last count?

Why did you make an internal window between the hall and the back room, and what is that electrical socket in the sill?

But thanks you for leaving the 1950s retro vintage kitchen alone. I love it smile

TrillianEAstraEgg Tue 31-Mar-09 14:04:21

My landlord is clearly lovely - did up our flat really nicely (he was living in it at the time).

But why is the smoke alarm in the kitchen, where it goes off whenever anything is cooking? Even just boiling pasta, so I know it's not a reflection on my cooking skills!

When you re-carpeted your bedroom why did you only do round the bed leaving a nice red square underneath the bed surrounded by a sea of light green carpet hmm

Why did you not tell all your 'clients' that they could no longer get drugs from this address necessitating a change of phone number and weirdos hanging round outside? Thanks.

TheDevilEatsNestle Tue 31-Mar-09 14:09:10

Why did you install the combi boiler on the wall beside the toilet meaning one had to lean sharply to the left when sitting on it.

Why did you glue chopped up doormats to the tread on the lovely oak stairs.

Why did you think three disgustingly filthy loo brushes would make a nice welcome gift for us? And why did you need three loo brushes? One for every member of the family?

Why did you have a bright red lightbulb in the master bedroom?

Why did you paint the squares of the sash window in the dining room with food colourings, and presumably you never cleaned them afterwards.

pagwatch Tue 31-Mar-09 14:10:47

Can I just ask
a) what the fuck is the burglar alarm code?
b) if you don't know what the fucking code is can you try to remember who put the goddam thing in !

Heebeejeebee Tue 31-Mar-09 14:10:49

When you painted the bedroom (bright blue) why could you not be bothered to move your wardrobes, leaving me the outline of the twin towers in the original white paint in my bedroom?

Why did you carpet in the bathroom?

Why did you tell me you were leaving the (v nice) cooker, then substitute it for the cheapest 4 hob oven money can buy?

Why did you install one of those showers that requires high pressure for the hot water to work when the water pressure was ridiculously low generally? The pump I've installed works a treat though..

Why did you never bother installing a nightstore heater (or indeed any form of heating) in the bedroom? The developers left you a switch ready - all you needed to do was ask someone to put one in!

AddictedtoCrunchies Tue 31-Mar-09 14:45:27

This is brilliant. I don't have any horror stories to tell except for mushrooms growing round the sink in a rented house but I've just wasted half an hour reading this when I should have been working. blush

Indith Tue 31-Mar-09 14:48:30

heebeejeebee MIL has done the shower thing, the shower only works with cold water as the hot isn't strong enough to keep the knob up! So erm...anyone buying her house (she is selling) beware, you may find you can only have cold showers. The new bathroom looks very nice though grin

squeaver Tue 31-Mar-09 14:51:33

Why didn't you tell us that the house had a previous tenant who then made a claim to live in our kitchen and chased us through court (on Legal Aid) for 5 years, costing us £20,000?

Oh yes that's right because you're a cheating scumbag who left the country as soon as we bought the house.

hmmSleep Tue 31-Mar-09 15:02:16

Why did you leave a white fluffy dressing gown hanging behind the bedroom door which when turned over was covered in sh#t?

hmmSleep Tue 31-Mar-09 15:04:12

Oh, and why did you choose to have a bidet in the middle of the bedroom and leave us a photo of yourself sat on it?

hoarsewhisperer Tue 31-Mar-09 15:11:23

Iwon;t bite- it wasn't secondary doubleglazing, because i too have seen that and that is a proper unit put over the top of the original. This was literally a cavity cut in the wall, so that a second totally normal window was put in front of the first. Even the builder said he had never seen anything like it in his life!

marmitebabe Tue 31-Mar-09 15:23:04

Why did you see fit to take all the oven racks and grill pan from the build-in cooker, did you really think we'd bring own own...??
And after agreeing (and signing to confirm) to leave some curtains and all the rails why oh why did you take all the curtain rails, poles, curtains and blinds with you? it was interesting moving in at 6pm and trying to get the DC to sleep in a strange house surrounded by mess with nothing at any window, also ensuring they (and us naturally) woke up at the crack of dawn......
Bless your lying arse.

PurlyQueen Tue 31-Mar-09 15:26:41

Why did you buy these houses in the first place?

abermum Tue 31-Mar-09 15:48:50

blimey- makes me glad we are the only ones to have lived in our house! Makes the litle issues we had snagging lists etc seem sooo tame (at the time they weren't minor things they felt pretty major to me grin)

bluebump Tue 31-Mar-09 16:16:07

Why did you boast about the amazing shower you had, and how you'd love to take it with you to your new house when actually it was so powerful it just leaked all the way into the lounge so badly we had to take the carpet up in the bathroom and tile it out and re paint the lounge wall and ceiling.

Why have in your estate agents blurb lots of info about your garden being landscaped then tell us what a lovely time we'd have in the garden and what you'd planted where if you were going to dig most of it up and take it with you.

Why when we'd gone to collect the keys were you stood around with a pretty empty removal van having obviously made no start to loading up your van leaving us no choice but to put moving in back a day.

Why decide to move if you hadn't looked at a single house because none were up to your standards and keep us holding on for over 6 months. Then keep dropping hints that if you took it off the market and put it back on again you'd be able to get another 10k for it as prices had shot up.

Why try to sell us a crappy shed and a satellite dish and then leave them anyway when we said we didn't want them.

Oh and when you are laughing to us after you've moved about how awful the neighbours are, do one day let us tell you that they are actually really nice it was just YOU that they didn't like.

Why not spend some time pondering where half of your mail went, as when we contacted Royal Mail and discovered you hadn't bothered to redirect yours to save money as we could "drop it into you" as you were only a few roads away, we decided not to.

MollyRogerslikeanEasterabbit Tue 31-Mar-09 16:25:01

why did you paint round all your furniture so that that when we viewed the house it looked nice until you moved the furniure and there were great wardroabe and cupboard shaped gaps in the paint, you lazy feckers!

Why did you leave 5 inches of cat hairs all over the stairs.

Why did you not clean the kitchen before you left?
Why did you leave desiccated cat shit in the corner of two of the rooms?

Why - given you call yourself a landscape gardner - did you plant one giant buddleah bush in front of the windows? And only use one inch of topsoil on top of the hardcore rubble?

Why did you feel you had to leave huge holes all over the walls everywhere by taking even the built in loo-roll holder in the bath room?

To the surveyors: Why - despite us paying for a full survery which covered everything including how often we are allowed to blow our nose on a sunday according to bye-laws, _ did you at no point, did you tell us that the local electicity company forbade any planting of shrubs along the fence line as there are electric cables burried underneath, and so we found out by almost killing ourselves digging...

MollyRogerslikeanEasterabbit Tue 31-Mar-09 16:25:37

why did you paint round all your furniture so that that when we viewed the house it looked nice until you moved the furniure and there were great wardroabe and cupboard shaped gaps in the paint, you lazy feckers!

Why did you leave 5 inches of cat hairs all over the stairs.

Why did you not clean the kitchen before you left?
Why did you leave desiccated cat shit in the corner of two of the rooms?

Why - given you call yourself a landscape gardner - did you plant one giant buddleah bush in front of the windows? And only use one inch of topsoil on top of the hardcore rubble?

Why did you feel you had to leave huge holes all over the walls everywhere by taking even the built in loo-roll holder in the bath room?

To the surveyors: Why - despite us paying for a full survery which covered everything including how often we are allowed to blow our nose on a sunday according to bye-laws, _ did you at no point, did you tell us that the local electicity company forbade any planting of shrubs along the fence line as there are electric cables burried underneath, and so we found out by almost killing ourselves digging...

UnquietDad Tue 31-Mar-09 16:26:59

People trying to sell "extras" for cash - such a scam.

It used to be carpets and curtains - as if you'd pull all your carpets up and take them. That was just a way of sneaking an extra thousand or two in without paying stamp duty.

Now it seems to be sheds, greenhouses, satellite dishes etc. - stuff which people have no intention of taking. Glad we called our vendors' bluff on the greenhouse!

Is anyone else reading this and wondering what their buyers would say about them?

LOL UQD grin previous owners would probably say to us "why do we have to live with the smell of your notoriously smelly dogs (Bassets) after you moved out", "why did you have to point out the exact spot you gave birth on the dining room floor", "why didn't you tell us that all the light switches are the wrong way round??" and finally "why did you think painting the kitchen purple was a good idea" [wink}

UQD - mine would probably say that the wall behind the washing machine was damper than they expected it to be...but they paid the surveyor and all he had to do was look...he certainly spent a lot of time there with the damp meter so maybe it wasn't a shock after all? The gas fire was condemned after the purchase was agreed but I rang up and told the buyers that and they said not to replace it as they were taking it out anyway! The extractor fan worked like a dream as I spent a lot of time and money getting it fixed before we moved out - ironic then that the only thing in this house which doesn't work well is the extractor fan!!!

I also told them that any sofa had to come through the back fence and that the fence was on a hinge exactly for that purpose and I painted behind the bookcases in one room - on the day we were moving to avoid the patchy effect so many have described.

I think I was in fact a saint....grin

yomellamoHelly Tue 31-Mar-09 19:47:56

Why did you not clean the kitchen and bathroom from the minute we'd agreed to buy your house?

Why did you let the cat pee on the carpet in the corner of the lounge after we'd agreed to buy your house?

Why did you do every job around the house yourself making every simple thing we did a nightmare for the tradesmen to correct?


Why did you lean the cast iron fireplace against the wall, prop a wooden surround against it and secure the whole thing with ONE nail? Apart from being incredibly dangerous the smoke leaked back into the room.

Why did you not weld the gas pipes to the fire in the same fireplace properly and yet leave us with a carbon monoxide alarm to reassure us?

Why didn't you ever strip the layers of wallpaper and paint the room properly? - in one room we had between no layers and 5 layers all on the same wall (previously disguised by carefully placed pictures/furniture)? In virtually every room?

Why didn't you extend the vinyl under you huge appliances you had so that when we put our modern and smaller ones in we didn't have to look at bare concrete?

Why didn't you use the correct thickness of MDF / wood for any of the shelves you put in the alcoves and cupboards and why didn't you just buy a proper wardrobe / storage unit instead of attempting your own?

If you loved your 32 gnomes so much why did you leave them?

Why did you cover the previous crazy paving that someone had laid over the previous concrete paving slabs laid on concrete (!) with gravel with gravel and "flower beds" and plant things that would never survive since they had less than 6 inches of soil? (Not appreciated while pg with nr1)

mrsmaidamess Tue 31-Mar-09 19:51:34

Why did you paint one radiator in red gloss, one in salmon pink and the living room walls egg yolk yellow?

Why did you never change the decrepid- skanky -mouldy -disused 'ensuite shower room'(HAH!) into an actual useable shower room?

Why did you not tell us the next door neighbour is the original Vinegar Tits?

mrsmaidamess Tue 31-Mar-09 19:52:27

Oh and why did you hang every door upstairs, upside down?

Heated Tue 31-Mar-09 20:09:32

Why did you not mention the tramp in the shed at the bottom of the garden?

smartiejake Tue 31-Mar-09 20:14:20

Why did you glue cork tiles with what seemed to be a reinforced superglue, on one wall in the box room,( meaning I had to spend 7 hours first with a hammer and chisel, then hot gun paint stripper thingy- bearing in mind the wall was only about 4m square so miniscule) to remove them? The spent a further 2 hours filling in all the little holes with plaster.

angry angryangry angryangry angryangry angryangry angryangry angryangry angryangry angryangry angry

NotanOtter Tue 31-Mar-09 20:18:43

heated - we also bought a house with a homeless person i the garage

lots of empty aerosols daily!

i felt awful but we moved his mattress eventually and he left sad

Heated Tue 31-Mar-09 20:23:12

Poetic license re the tramp - think he too was homeless.

Didn't actually have a problem with him being there; dh did but that's because he was the one who got a fright putting the lawn-mower away grin but our tramp missed the old owners. I helpfully found and gave him their forwarding address grin

ramonaquimby Tue 31-Mar-09 20:29:26

this is hilarious!

UnquietDad Tue 31-Mar-09 20:32:35

OK, coming clean - our buyers would say:

"Oh, very clever of you to put the bread-bin carefully in position - over the place in the worktop where you had carved out a BLOODY GREAT HOLE to feed the fridge plug through - while we were looking around. Did you think we wouldn't notice once all your stuff had gone?!"

In our defence, it was a moulded plug and it wasn't going to be taken apart, or go through any other way...

PuppyMonkey Tue 31-Mar-09 20:44:35

Coming late to this but I have much to add.. grin

* Why did you put an illegal fluorescent strip light in the bathroom?

* Why did you have quite the most monstrous 70s stone fireplace in the history of humanity, which was cone shaped rather like an upside down bottle and came out three quarters of the way into the dining room?

* Did you have some sort of share option with Artex?

* Did your eldest teenage son used to wank off in his bedroom, as we suspect? There were an awful lot of tissues lying around in there.

* How are your chickens? We quite liked the look of them?

* Are you still miserable old bastards?

NotanOtter Tue 31-Mar-09 20:45:08

what is under the coffin shaped hole in the concrete cellar floor .....(no really)

The house ( not the one we are in now) was a squat and home to lots of people with drug and drink problems over 15 years.....

there was a nasty shaped hole in one of the cellar room floors......

ABetaDad Tue 31-Mar-09 21:13:45

NotanOtter - do you not want to know? Do please go down there now and start digging now. Please also report back later because I really want to know. shock

UQD - Did you not consider cutting off the moulded plug, feeding the wire through a small driled hole in the work surface and then putting a new plug on the end of the bare wire?

NotanOtter Tue 31-Mar-09 21:31:51

unquiet dad

without wanting to sound melodramatic....

The house was HUGE 6500sq foot of Georgian town house and we renovated in from August 2004-february 2005

we rented and lived elsewhere but moved in days before christmas....

It nearly crippled us financially.

I hated it- the minute we moved in I knew it was wrong ..i swear i started having terrible dreams

I then discovered in victorian times a girl had been murdered right in front of it on a small park they faced

put in on the market end of may 2005

Moved out end of July!

ABetaDad Tue 31-Mar-09 21:35:34

No wonder you moved out. Sounds grim.

whoingodsnameami Tue 31-Mar-09 21:39:22

When I moved into my first home, every single room was decorated with wallpaper and a paper border, and every single border was upside down, in every room, so am pretty sure it was intentionalhmm

inthegardenifyouneedme Tue 31-Mar-09 21:59:06

In my last house we found (or rather my the 5 year old) found 2 guns in the loft. We should have kept them for when the stream of debt collectors etc. that came knocking!
The current house, ditto loads of artex, gnomes, flowery borders, layers of floor coverings, nasty fireplace, lots of green...but I love it and although old fashioned and needs attention it feels like home. Can't remember when that lot was ever in fashion though.

Stayingsunnygirl Tue 31-Mar-09 22:10:55

Why when you fitted a power shower in the bathroom did you run the pipe across the loft hatch 2 feet above the beams?

Why did you think paint would hold window frames together?

vezzie Tue 31-Mar-09 22:41:57

Dear Landlord,

Do you come from a culture in which the boiler is a household god and therefore needs to be enclosed in an enormous throne-like cupboard, leaving feet of unusable space all around it and not enough cupboards for the pots and pans?

One of the things I love about this house is all the daylight - I think you feel the same way and hate to waste this glorious natural resource, which is why none of the curtains are as wide as the windows by a few feet.

Like another poster I am amused by the sloping kitchen surfaces, in particular the infallible consistency with which washing up water drains into pastry or biscuit dough on the one bit of surface big enough to roll baking out onto.

Did you get a wasp in your shirt while gluing something in the cupboards in the kitchen? Or are the streaks of yellow glue all over all the surfaces some kind of decorative effect?

You are very clever and thrifty to have fitted the shower head 10" above the shower door, so that when one person showers in the bathroom another person gets a free shower below in the kitchen, without paying for any more hot water.

Putting the rent up? up? Now? by £50 a month? Bless you.

Poledra Tue 31-Mar-09 23:40:55

Why did you not tell us you ran a business from this address (not a dodgy busines, though)?

Why did your business partner not forward his mail when you left? Or change the address on his driving licence? If he had, then the lovely, kind person who found his credit card wallet would have known where to send it rather than sending it to us. The temptation to use his cards was almost irresistible.

Why did you fail to tell Companies House for 2 years that your business was no longer at our address?

For anyone who has a problem with non-redirected mail, DH used to send things back (especially official mail, IYKWIM) in another envelope with a letter stating that the person no longer lived at the address and we would consider it harassment if they continued to send us unsolicited mail. Worked most of the time.

FAQinglovely Tue 31-Mar-09 23:51:48

"It used to be carpets and curtains - as if you'd pull all your carpets up and take them. That was just a way of sneaking an extra thousand or two in without paying stamp duty.

Actually they did in the last house I lived in (where DH is living now) they wanted to take the main bedroom carpet - I have no idea why - it didn't look/feel like anything special yet of all the carpets in the house they took it with them hmm

(and it's still got no carpet now 4 1/2yrs later grin)

brettgirl2 Wed 01-Apr-09 09:40:42

I had to return, because my DH reminded me of the real party piece of our house last night.

Why did you leave 'dad' and 'nan's' urns in the back garden???? shock

anniemac Wed 01-Apr-09 10:22:42

Message withdrawn

KERALA1 Thu 02-Apr-09 21:05:22

To whom did the red lacy g string hanging neatly on the washing line belong? (we bought the house from 2 elderly sisters).

Why did you not clean the kitchen? Ever? We had to rip it out.

Why did you act all shocked at the fact we completed and complained you "ran out of time" so couldn't vacate (or as it transpired clear out the sodding attic) even after your solictor had our cash? We had been negotiating the purchase for months it was hardly a surprise.

Why were you so greedy that you tried to charge us extra for carpets despite the fact that we were paying a large amount for a house that you had inherited and needed alot of work anyway you avaricious witch.

Do you know your over-enthusiastic use of borders almost reduced DH to tears? The blasted things were glued on around every room - the rooms in this house are massive high ceilinged ones. Obviously twee 1980s borders not the look we were after.

Antdamm Fri 03-Apr-09 11:16:04

One I previously forgot.

Why did nearly every bit of floor squeak when stood on?
Why, when the floorboard became loose, squeaky and needed repairing/replacing did you just decide to hammer MASSIVE nails randomly about the floorboards. And then to help matters why did you glue the underlay to these ridiculously squeaky floorboards??

Meaning when we stripped back the hideous carpet to see if we could repair the floorboards and have lovely wooden floors - we discovered ruined boards with bit of green and brown underlay stuck to them. Resulting in a MASSIVE clean up job of ripping out the whole floor in nearly every room, just to stop the squeaking.

anniemac Fri 03-Apr-09 15:01:10

Message withdrawn

TheNatty Sat 04-Apr-09 19:44:09

why would you stain a pine floor mahogany red? which everytime something is moved across the floor takes the paint off and leave lovely pale yellow marks?

why not just varnish it with clear stuff?


Why did you remove the smoke alarm from the ceiling especially when you knew a young baby would be moving in?

neversaydie Wed 08-Apr-09 11:43:30

Why did you advertise the house as having a burglar alarm when you knew damn well it was still in its box in the cupboard under the stairs? (Kind of you to leave it for us, though..)

As self-builders, what on earth made you think that that lovely deep plaster coving through the downstairs could be held up by glue alone? After the first couple of bits fell off, we have had to take the lot down and replace it.

That clover leaf bath, which costs a fortune to fill and you cannot straighten your legs in? That was a mistake, especially in such a lovely big bathroom.

Oh, and taking all the curtains with you was fine by us (they were vile). But we did expect you to make good and put up curtain track. Not just leave us lengths which were too short for the windows and had no fixings with them. Oh, and sodding great holes in the walls where the tie-backs were attached.

You are supposed to be a joiner for heavens sake - why are half the skirting boards flapping in the breeze?

And I won't even start on the horrors we have found in the garden, other than that you sold us more land than was actually yours to sell, which we are still trying to sort out 5 years later.

So much for a new house being less hassle than the (very) old one we left behind!

MorrisZapp Wed 08-Apr-09 12:58:33

What would you like to drink?

I feel I owe you one for making our house so superficially ugly. If you had done it up nicely we could never have afforded to buy it.

Five years later it looks stunning (our taste, our work) and it's just right for us.

I love how so many people can't see past wallpaper. Makes ugly but potentially beautiful houses all the more affordable for the rest of us! Thanks and enjoy that drink.

Trills Fri 07-Feb-14 11:32:44

Why did you cut the cord off the hedge trimmer, and leave it in the garage for us?

Why did you think we'd want an ancient surge-protecting multi-plug thing? Are you trying to tell us something about the electrics?

OohAahBird Mon 10-Feb-14 14:21:58

Ok I've just got to add to this

Why, oh Why did you put down false floors over the entire ground floor of the house.

And if there actually was a good reason to do this, WHY did you think that foam packing would keep them up?

We are going to have to rip up the entire ground floor that everything is built on, eg the kitchen, and move out to fix it.

dizhin79 Tue 11-Feb-14 17:11:32

why did you cover your entire bathroom in Cork wallpaper and yes I mean all of it, wrapping it up and around the bath, up the shower step, up the walls, across the ceiling and even around the bin that you left behind? It was sticky and mouldy and utterly disgusting, letalone it looking like a native turd that you crawled inside to do your ablutions in hmm

dizhin79 Tue 11-Feb-14 17:12:05

massive not native..... autocorrect 'confused

NovemberAli Tue 11-Feb-14 17:20:43

Why did you painted all the floorboards in thick matt brown paint, every single floorboard in the entire house?

Why did you timber clad the the bathroom, thus giving it the look of a 70's swedish sauna?

I know its many years later and only resurrected for RowanMN, but... grin

What did you do to your cats that made them dig so many claw marks into the windowsills??

mathanxiety Tue 11-Feb-14 17:57:23

Did you realise that generations of raccoons had been born and lovingly nurtured in the attic? And if not how the heck could you possibly have missed them? If the noise of troops of them galloping back and forth in the eaves and barking at each other didn't strike you as odd, didn't the smell of years of poop buildup hit you right between the eyes on a warm day? Or the fact that they gathered very conspicuously in the lovely old tree in the garden on summer evenings as if they owned the place?

Did you know there were fossilised poop nuggets in one of the built in drawers along the upstairs hallway? And following on from that, how could you possibly have missed them?

Did you ever use the ancient wall-mounted oven whose door left a half inch gap when it 'closed'? I saw the former lady of the house raiding the frozen dinner section in our local supermarket a few weeks after we moved in so I suspect not.

Walk me through the thought process that led to the purple shag carpeting in the basement and also the wiring and lights stapled to the warren of chipboard bookshelves in the room down there that you called a library. Since you are an architect, the explanation of that glaring departure from code will no doubt be interesting. Did you know how many dog biscuits we found under said carpeting when we finally cleared the maze of shelving and ripped it up (which was difficult as it was nailed to the floor).

The lack of gutters would also be an interesting story. Another code violation.

Again, harking back to your profession, how did you manage to live with such convoluted electrical circuits even though the whole house got either new drywall or the godawful cheap panelling in the 25 years you lived there (convex in the upstairs bedrooms because somebody can't measure properly) and you therefore had ample opportunity to redo the wiring on a rational basis? And if you knew what outlets and fixed appliances were on which circuits, why didn't you leave a diagram? It would have saved us lots of unplugging of appliances and lamps and rearranging of rooms, and blowing of fuses.

I am also wondering about the creative process that led to the fire engine red woodwork throughout the house. I 'd like to know about the cheap wood panelling and the lowered ceiling with the ugly panels and the big blinking fluorescent light in the downstairs office/bedroom. If you used it as an office, did you ever let clients set foot in there? When you decided to turn it into a bedroom did you ever check what your teens were writing on the walls??

Oh and it was a good idea to pull back the big dining room curtains to hide the stains from water leaking through the roof over the dining room window. Full marks for cunning.

soaccidentprone Tue 11-Feb-14 19:17:09


This kind of put everything into perspective - the falling to bits shed which was full of junk, the outside toilet we had removed to find that the retaining wall behind was collapsing!

No porn though, and the only artexing was in the utility room and the bathroom ceiling.

And to the people who bought my old house. I'm really sorry my ex painted the front and back doors in emulsion (covering over the gloss I'd painted), ripped up the stair carpet and painted the stairs black gloss and the walls yellow. I had moved out by then. Though I did end up selling it for less than I paid for it in the end (this was nearly 20 years ago).

mrspremise Tue 11-Feb-14 19:33:41

What possessed you to NAIL UP the wallpaper in the hallway? Why did you hang a chandelier from a false, suspended ceiling so that it would hit people of average height in the chest as they walked into the room? And, while we're at it, WTF was all that blue shredded plastic in the garden all about?

grin that light one reminds me of thr house my mum and dad bought at auction, which had a light hanging from the ceiling to waist height. And under the stairs, with the fuse boxes and gas meter etc - A toilet.

Mintyy Tue 11-Feb-14 20:22:31

Ah, how funny to see this old thread of mine revived!

Divinity Fri 14-Feb-14 11:10:32

Why on earth did you put plasterboard over the redundant copper piping in the living room alcove? It would have been much easier to simply remove the stuff.

WTF were you thinking putting woodchip on the ceilings.

WTF were you thinking using concrete to make swirly patterns on the wall above the wood burning stove.

Didn't you think to fill the hole in the wall before you fitted the kitchen units? It was hard to spot behind the large drainpipe outside but boy it made the kitchen freezing .

Divinity Fri 14-Feb-14 11:14:31

Crying with laughter over dizhin's "native turds" and beyond's terrified cats.

BreconBeBuggered Fri 14-Feb-14 14:24:17

It was lovely to find so many electric sockets in the kitchen after finding the rest of the house contained about four in total, but really, did you have to fit one directly underneath the kitchen sink amongst the leaky pipework?

Also - and I'm not even going to ask what you were doing up there - as you'd taken the light bulb out, it would have been nice to let us know you'd left a shitload of broken glass in the attic.

erikab922 Mon 24-Feb-14 17:59:10

Why did you leave a fish under the floorboards?!?! Oh wait that was us, after you screwed us out of almost 10 grand right before completion angry.

TypicaLibra Thu 27-Mar-14 23:36:10

Why, when you had your kitchen floor tiled did you decide to not do the whole floor?? Just doing up to where you put your kitchen units in, leaving a two foot gap around the kitchen walls. So that when the kitchen is to be ripped out, we have to replace the floor as the tiles are no longer available....?

Did you move into one of my previous houses? blush.

Answer to your question: It worked out much cheaper, and why tile under the units when you never see them??!

Parentingfailure Sat 05-Apr-14 08:11:21

Erika that's brilliant! Did they ever say anything?

Eminybob Sat 05-Apr-14 08:48:50

Why on earth would you paint over light switches and plug sockets?

Why would you spill something brown and disgusting looking down your living room and bedroom walls and not clean it up???

And why would you leave all your kitchen work tops with a layer of god knows how old grease for your buyers?

In fact, why were you such dirty skanky twats that must have only ever cleaned once in your lives, and only then, the obviously viewable areas when we came to view the house????

fiverabbits Mon 07-Apr-14 07:31:31

First house

How did you use the bath with 4 adults and a baby and not notice that it was so stained that we thought it was a brown bath. My DH who lived in a house for his first 20 years with no bathroom refused to even wash his feet in there. Why only rewire part of the house, the kitchen was a nightmare with the old 2 pin plugs. Thanks for all the 5 layers of wallpaper in the 2 living rooms, I had to spend 4 weekends removing it.

Second house

As a qualified electrician why have we to this day got two live wires in the front room and why did you leave the light wire in the outside toilet live and not tell the next owner. We told them 8 years later after we broke the door down to see what was in there. Why did you build a brick fireplace right up to the ceiling but not tie it into the wall. Good job my husband was able to jump out of the way after only removing the top two bricks. Why did you use 4 inch nails in every bit of wood especially in the tongue and groove in the kitchen ceiling and walls, we had to have the whole kitchen re plastered. The wardrobes in our bedroom were the worse example of DIY I had even seen.

OnTheRunButReallyRatherSlowly Mon 07-Apr-14 20:52:12

Why did you line the alcove around the range with ordinary plasterboard rather than the flame-retardant type, which when we removed it also turned out to be held in place by pieces of wood. The ones next to the flue were nicely charred. Basically, you lined the chimney with wood. Why?!???

Snatchoo Tue 22-Apr-14 19:53:49

Nice of you to recarpet the stairs for viewings which were then ruined by dirty boots when you moved out.

And thanks for not cleaning anything after sale was agreed. There was about five layers of foil on the grill pan.

sewingandcakes Tue 22-Apr-14 20:05:41

Why, on completion day with 3 young children, did you leave us to pack and move all your belongings, then clean your entire house, including vomit from the sink?

Oh yes, because you were an alcoholic <still bitter 18 months later>

drspouse Tue 22-Apr-14 20:25:16

Why did you paint and plaster in the dining room without putting down dust sheets, ruining the lovely Victorian tiled floor, and then glue the disgusting carpet to the floor?

Ohwhatfuckeryisthis Tue 22-Apr-14 20:43:59

Was there a glut of fake wood panelling in the late 70s? Is that why you covered every fecking wall and panelled the (aqua)bath with it?However, it was nice of you to just nail it up over generations of wallpaper and paint. Did you also lose a tape measure as not one was either straight or the right size (nor was the bleeding awful nylon shag pile you tried to charge us fir, but when we said no left anyway). Nice of you to just use 6inch screws to put up the kitchen cupboards too. (Wood panelling on the doors too-nice touch) thanks also for having a shave and a shit and not cleaning up after either.
However,to the people after us, sorry about the Thomas the Tank engine wallpaper and the bed base that dh forgot to have put on the moving truck.

Why did you chisel out a channel in a parquet floor to concrete in the tiniest speaker cables I have ever seen?

Why did you concrete a radiator into the kitchen floor?

why did you plaster over wallpaper

why did you not connect the toilet cistern overflow to the overflow pipe.... and then box in the toilet cistern so when it starts to leak it takes hours to work out where the leak is coming from.

why did you carpet the kitchen

why when replacing the windows did you fill in the gaps with wet sand. Wet sand dries into dry sand. Which then pours out when someone takes the wall paper off.

Why build a wardrobe over a beautiful original fireplace, destroying the fireplace sufficiently to make it unsalvageable, but not enough for us to not notice it ever existed and therefore be able to mourn its destruction.

Why did you plant raspberry bushes under the washing line, meaning anything longer than a t-shirt gets raspberry stained in summer.

How me and DP laugh....

AllMimsyWereTheBorogroves Tue 22-Apr-14 22:48:30

House before this one: When we came to look round you told us that most people pointed out all the good things, but you were going to point out all the things that needed doing. Very refreshing, but you somehow forgot to mention that the roof leaked, the wiring was dodgy, there was no heating system and the kitchen was so damp that the wallpaper was held up with blutak. Also, it was not kind of you to leave all the furniture you couldn't fit in your new house - it was laziness, wasn't it? Especially as it all smelled so badly of dog that it stank the house out and was so clapped out that we had to get it all to the tip.

Current house - to whichever previous owner or their builder did this: when your cold chisel got stuck in the wall a few inches below the ceiling, wouldn't it have been better to get it out and fill the hole in, rather than leave it there and build a little box out of plywood round it to hide the chisel?

To the previous owners of my parents house:

What induced you to wallpaper the tiny box room with a wallpaper based on that painting of dogs playing cards?

And to my parents- why did you keep it on the walls until I was about 12?! grin

ExCinnamon Wed 23-Apr-14 17:09:44

Why was the smoke alarm connected to the burglar alarm?

When we got the key and started knocking walls down it took forever to work out that the smoke was triggering the burglar alarm.
It's a miracle that the neighbours are still talking to us.

(Although previous owner had form for midnight burglar alarm sessions)

Why did you think that we wanted to keep 40 year old wet carpets which had been soaked over a period of months due to a broken water tank in the loft? You put them all back the day before we got the keys - and we ripped them all out again. Madness.

ExCinnamon Wed 23-Apr-14 17:10:30

not smoke but dust triggering the alarm

HecatePropylaea Wed 23-Apr-14 18:07:48

1st home - why did you have sky blue on the bottom half of the walls in the living room and navy blue on the top half? It looked really odd. What was with the bar at the top of the stairs? Did you really like dark blue gloss? It took months to get rid of it.

2Nd home - I take it gold is your favourite colour? And thanks for the mice.

curRent home - why did you bury binbags full of 4ubbish in your back garden ? Are you ever going to tell anyone you moved out? I could have assumed your identity by now, looted your bank account and raided your pension! And why did you leave me a safe in the kitchen and no key? It drove me nuts not knowing what if anything was in there and for 7 years I tried to break into that thing before giving up when we had the new kitchen fitted and letting them throw the thing out.

MrsMarigold Wed 23-Apr-14 18:29:05

Did you have a weal pelvic floor? (there were five loos)

Did you ever go to the loo while loading the dishwasher?

Did you enjoy watching people going to the guest loo? (It had some glass panelling on the door)

Also why did you patch up the window sills so they looked alright then dropped off within two months of us moving in?

Why did you leave us a silly note saying that the mirror in the bathroom had actually been your aunt's dressing room mirror, like that was a selling point? Yes, she was quite famous but it is a hideous mirror.

Had the windows been cleaned since Queen Victoria was on the throne?

Bonnefoi Wed 23-Apr-14 18:41:34

Orange varnished pine cladding in more rooms than not. It might have been stylish in the 70s. Now, not so much.

Wood chip on just about ever ceiling. Fake beams. <gag> shock

A 12 ft by 12 ft bathroom but a 6ft by 8ft cupboard bedroom. Really?

And thanks for the attic full of your crap treasured stuff, and the broken dishwasher that we specifically said we didn't want.

NotOnASchoolNight99 Wed 23-Apr-14 20:48:23

To the random couple who owned our house prior to us...Would you like the "swing" back which you ever so kindly left behind in the loft? And, no thanks, we are really not interested in joining your bizarre sex club so please cancel your membership for the swinger magazine or at least get your money worth and change your address! confused

Thesebootsweremadeforwalking Wed 23-Apr-14 21:00:18

Just how long was it since you cleaned the bathroom or ensuite? Both were so dirty that a full day with Cilit Bang and smokers' toothbrushes ended with us giving up and putting everything into a skip. I never knew it was possible to destroy loos, sinks and baths by simply not cleaning them. sad

I have told DH that I'm not moving again unless it's to a new build.

QueenOfThorns Wed 23-Apr-14 21:01:08

Did you mean to build a kitchen extension without any lighting, or just forget to put it in?

You know that little room off the kitchen that we use as a utility room? Did you use it for food preparation...or food fights?

Do you know that light switches and sockets can be unscrewed and pulled away from the wall when you redecorate? That stops them from getting covered in paint!

Greyhound Sat 26-Apr-14 12:47:25

Why did you rip out all the lovely old fireplaces? Oh yes, it was to sell in your junk antiques shop. They are still there, unsold, over fifteen years later. Perhaps I should buy them back?

kally195 Sat 26-Apr-14 18:51:39

Why did you spend serious money having the house re-wired (you gave us the receipts with the legal paperwork), then use a hodge-podge of the cheapest, nastiest socket/switch covers everywhere?

Why did you then, when redecorating after the rewiring, fit the sockets/switches BEFORE painting? Every single one (and we are talking up to 8 double sockets per room) had been painted in and therefore pulled the paint and plaster off the wall. Just as well I'm good with polyfiller...

Why did you use six inch long enormous screws to fit all the shelves etc, including the lovely home made MDF built ins? Did you keep baby elephants on your shelves?

And why would you spend mega bucks (again, you left us the receipts) having a beautiful big studio built at the end of the garden, along with a state of the art alarm and CCTV system to monitor both house and studio, and having beautiful wooden shutters installed on most of the interior windows of the house, then sell the house to us almost immediately? I am very pleased that you did, but as you spent time moaning to me about how badly in debt you were and how you weren't making any money on the house sale, I do question your sanity...

Oh - and thank you so, so much for all the fun architectural salvage we found hidden in the garden. The enormous old wooden ship's rudder, the ornate (and heavy) wooden church panels and the huge cast iron ornate grills have been particularly fun to try to cart to the tip. No idea what we are going to do with the cart wheel, or the massive pile of slate....

Why, when you had the new double-glazed windows installed, did you decide to put non-opening casements in both loos? Every other window in the house opens. I can only assume that you liked being sealed in with the smell of your own poo, especially as neither room had an extractor fan.

Why did you remove the perfectly good internal kitchen door and dump it in the garage, meaning that there is now no way of stopping cooking smells filling the whole house, and that the smoke alarm in the hallway outside goes off incessantly?

Why did you decide that your quilt-thickness, super-insulating curtains should be floor-length when all the radiators are under the windows? Every time they were closed, over the top of the radiators, you were insulating the heat out. I mean, thanks for leaving them n'all, but they're useless. Plus the ones in the dining room, with the green fringing, were absolutely hideous. Not even people on Freecycle want them.

Why, when you had the doorknobs on the doors changed, did you paint over the marks left by the old ones in a different colour to the rest of the door?

And why, in the name of all that is holy, is everything in the house sodding beige?

Oh, and (reminded by DH):

You know those railway sleepers that you used to landscape the garden? The ones that you made the steps out of, right next to the large pond? You know, the ones with no grip or textured surface finish on them. Just bare-wood steps. Yeah, those.

Did you realise that when they're wet, even just a little bit wet, they are slicker than black ice?

For six months of the year, they join forces with the pond to form a lethal landscaping trap, designed to deliver people a sharp blow to the head before depositing them in a foot of water.

Good work.

doziedoozie Sun 04-May-14 11:28:48

Why did you wallpaper the kitchen in rust coloured fake brick wallpaper?? And use breeze blocks to make the 'quaint' fireplace in the lounge?

Oh, yes, and the new door way through from the kitchen, shame you didn't bother including a lintel to support the wall above - the standard of your other D-I-Y just made DH a teensy bit suspicious, just as well he checked...

elfycat Sun 04-May-14 12:01:44

Mintyy so how is your kitchen now after this time lapse?

To mine: Why did you feel the need to put so much trellis into the garden. I know the idea of 'rooms' but honestly we lost half the garden. To get out the back door and into the garden I had to walk under at least three arches.

Why did you put a rambling rose by a small arch. I loved the flowers but the poor thing was over the top of the arch and reaching another 3 metres into the sky... if you'd planted it the other side of the arch I could have trained it through the holly tree. I miss that rose and it's been 10 years.

Why paint the dining room creamy orange. It went a little too well with the orangey varnished pine floor, picture rail and window surround.

Dark terracotta is not a bedroom colour.

But really why sell the house? It's been lovely to live in, even the first year when we saved to replace the windows (you could poke your finger through the rotten wood under the glass in the living room) and didn't have a sofa. I've heard through the local grapevine that you'd love to move back but we're not selling.

Dancingwiththedrummer Sun 04-May-14 19:26:15

Could be here all day but here goes

Why did you lay a wooden floor in the kitchen over a smelly old carpet?

Why did you put the wrong type of roof on the extension?

Why did you pour concreate on the drive over the manhole that covers the pipes we need access to?

Why did you fit the worlds smallest oven in the kitchen with plenty of space?

And last but not least ...

Why did you fill the old loft hatch with your granny's curtains then try plaster over it so it falls down on my head one day?

gimcrack Mon 12-May-14 19:04:17

Thanks for the shit-stained pants you left in the cupboard under the sink.

Why did you paint over the front door bell, which won't work? And why did you knock a huge hole through from your study to the kitchen, in order to thread your speaker cable through?

Did you not realise that the porous tiles you used in the bathroom wouldn't do anything to prevent water seeking through the wall? And that a shower door on a hinge would leave a gap for water to go on the floor? The rubber seal you stored in the shed fixed that.

What year did you stop cleaning your oven? Was it because it had stopped working? And no, I will not continue to keep forwarding on mail from your DM for ever because you don't want her to know you've moved.

upyourninja Wed 14-May-14 20:00:25

To the little old man who sold us our family home, which will one day (but not this day) be beautiful:

Why, why, when this house was built new for you in the 1970s, was psychedelic blue de rigeur in the kitchen? Blue doors with razor-sharp metal openers, stained white Formica worktops, crazy blue tiles, bonkers blue lino, and a ruddy great gap all around the cooker so food can fall in but not come out. Thanks for that. We've run the budget carefully and it will only be four years before we can afford to fix it.

Why shut up so many rooms in the house leaving them to moulder? We've seen the tape on the doors. Was it the vomit-orange carpet and wallpaper that put you off?

Thanks for all the shrubbery in the garden. We particularly enjoy the hypericum with nice toxic berries to poison our toddler; oh yeah, and the toxic yew as well.

Why put in hedges four feet from the fences boundaries? I know it's the done thing to maintain hedges this was but the garden is 100ft long with hedges which require strimming on BOTH sides and the top. Brilliant. And it leaves a massive gap for our child to hide in, and the bloody cat when she escaped outside on the second night in the new house.

What the actual jeff did your 'cleaner' do when you paid her to clean an empty house weekly? The kitchen, floors, skirting, and walls were all filthy. The bathrooms (carpeted) were soggy with old man wee. I still can't go in the downstairs loo from lingering memories of inhaling stale urine as I scrubbed the walls, toilet, and floorboards (carpet having been evicted).

Why why why glue the 70s Laura Ashley wallpaper back down on the seams? And all that wallpaper paste... We had to wash every wall 3 times before we could paint.

Oh and we adore the secondary glazing. Thought I could live with it but it streams with water and we're now forking out for new windows years ahead of where we'd budgeted (though admittedly this was our own ignorance).

Thanks for leaving the firewood though, we now have a lovely fire to keep us warm smile

TaffyandTeenyTaffy Thu 15-May-14 07:35:02

Have you ever heard of the mail redirection service? grin

Where is the stopcock? We found the external one, but assume there's one indoors.

CalamitouslyWrong Wed 25-Jun-14 11:07:51

I'd like to ask the previous owners of this house what exactly they have against daylight.

Why would anyone put 15W (not energy saving and therefore equivalent to something that will light a room) bulbs in every single light fitting?

Given the dinginess created, why did you think various shades of dark brown was the right decorating choice?

Why would you brick up the window in the kitchen then install a dark wood effect kitchen with black granite worktop and black tiles on both floor and walls? And why would you think that a single 15W bulb in the middle of the ceiling would be sufficient to light it?

Why would you pay for a granite worktop but not ensure that the hob was fitted properly in to it? The hob was fitted so that it was right against the back wall, and was therefore a fire hazard. Because the hole was cut in the wrong place, it meant the whole worktop had to be scrapped.

Why would you think that cupboards hanging off the walls such that you could out your whole arm down the back of them at the top were correctly fitted?

Why would you install a fancy new bathroom but not bother to seal the bath so that water would destroy the kitchen ceiling below?

Why would you decide to self-convert your garage into the most awful room imaginable? And, since you thought that was a good idea, why would you accentuate the slope on the garage floor rather than compensating for it? Why wouldn't you fill in the huge hole under the double glazing unit you fitted which meant that water got under the steeply sloping floor you installed and was rotting it? Obviously we can totally understand why you didn't apply for planning permission or involve building regs in this, as they'd have laughed in your face.

Did you think the gas meter was a design feature for the new 'bedroom' you created? Why would you plats oats over the gas pipes making the whole thing incredibly unsafe? Why would you simply cut a jagged hole in the plasterboard so that the stopcock would stick out?

Why would you leave the double glazing in such a mess that the inside of the glass became etched to the extent to which it became opaque? The neighbours (and everyone else, including us) just thought you were filthy types who never cleaned the windows, but actually you just couldn't see out of them.

Why on earth would you get an architect to draw up plans and then secure planning permission for the world's most ill-advised extension to the bak of the house. It would make the kitchen and the back reception room entirely internal and simply corridors for getting to the really absurdly designed extension. We can totally see why you opted to move rather than to destroy the house entirely by building that yourselves.

Ikea pax wardrobes are really easy to fit. How did you manage to make such an arse of it? Why did you cut out some notches from both wardrobes in the alcoves of the master bedroom so that you could fit a huge radiator on the chimney breast. The chimney breast is a stupid place for a radiator, especially if it's wider than the chimney breast and encroaches into the wardrobe.

Why did you remove the plaster from the wall before fitting the wardrobes in the back bedroom? They would still have fitted with the plaster there and you wouldn't have made such an enormous mess,

Did you think underlay was some kind of unnecessary extravagance and something you could just leave out when getting new carpet?

Why didn't you remove the enormous boxing in constructed out of plywood in the corner of the back bedroom when you fitted a combi boiler and removed the hot water tank it housed? And, more pertinently, why was the only thing to be found inside the huge box a 21st birthday card and two Viagra tablets? Our surveyor laughed.

Did you really think the lion door knocker was tasteful?

So many questions.

Boomerwang Wed 02-Jul-14 12:25:22

This was what our oven looked like when we moved in to this house. I tried to get the landlord to clean it but it took so damn long that I just did it myself with the help of two others. It still took over two hours between us, as the inside was thick with black grease and the hobs had a black scummy ring around them which we had to shift with sugar cubes and scrapers.


Also had a rubber hose with a spray gun attached to the tap in the downstairs toilet... what the hell?

CaptChaos Thu 03-Jul-14 20:33:46

A house I moved into about 15 years ago:

Why, when almost no natural light got into it, did you paint the hallway and stairs dark blue?

Why did you leave all the other wall paper on the walls in every room? Why on earth would you 'paper' on whole wall of the living room with fablon? Wasn't that expensive? It certainly took effort to remove!

Why did you attach a dado rail to the living room walls made up of several mismatched off cuts using no nails? It took a foot wide chunk of plaster off with it when I removed it, which meant I had to replaster the jeffing walls, having already removed the jeffing Fablon and layers of paper from them!!!

Why did you think that wallpaper paste was a good choice to attach your pornographic posters to the walls of what was going to be my DC's room?

Why did you write yours and your children's names into the hideous Spanish plaster stuff in the bathroom? I had to sand the walls back before I could tile them, because you also forgot to put any tiles up at all.

Why, if you knew your several hundred cats had pissed all over it, did you leave the carpet down in the living room? Thanks so much for the plague-like number of fleas which hatched the first night we had the heating on as well, DC2 aged 3 months looked like he had smallpox after the bites which he is allergic to.

Lara2 Mon 04-Aug-14 08:50:26

My first house 30 years ago:

Why did you think it was ok to leave a fecking car engine in the attic and remove the wooden hatch, replacing it with the broken, heavy smoked glass table top?

Thanks for putting the shower behind the bathroom door, next to the airing cupboard with NO waterproofing at all. We couldn't afford to replace it and I hate baths.

Thanks for leaving the cat flap unlocked when you left letting every cat in a 200 mile radius and their bloody fleas in. The whole house was jumping with the little bastards and had to be napalmed!

Why did you think that black ceiling beams were a good look in a small Victorian terrace in the knocked through downstairs room. It took untold hours and layers of white paint to cover them up because we couldn't afford to replace the ceiling.

Thanks for the pink bathroom suite.

FickleUsernameChooser Mon 04-Aug-14 15:19:33

Why did you partition off a small portion of the kitchen and place a toilet in there?

Why did you decorate the walls of said toilet like this?

3of5 Tue 05-Aug-14 11:53:19

Dear previous owner.

Yes. I know we saw the house and we were won over by it's potential. However, I'm still going to complain about:

The lack of cleaning:

Cleaning up another mans piss from around the toilet still makes my stomach churn.

The oven had to be chucked out as it was a relic from the 1970's and hadn't been cleaned since then.

And everything was just... Sticky.

The decor:

My lovely SIL described the main bathroom as 'pink, but like someone has tried to dissolve a body in it with acid'. The graduated pink bathroom suite. Words fail me. They failed me even less when we found out it was fitted in 2002. It's still in situ. Gold taps and all. And wall tiles that are weird. We haven't changed it as we can't afford to right now, and I also like showing people the hideousness of it all.

So so many pelmets. So many.

Ditto vertical blinds.

And textured fucking wallpaper. In EVERY room. We only have two ceilings and one room left to strip. It's been a long journey but I might have a party when I take off the last strip.

Fitted cupboards everywhere. Most of them have been ripped out now. Just like most of the plants from the back and front garden.

But, I love this house. It's my home. grin

PuntCuffin Tue 05-Aug-14 17:02:21

Why did you paint the downstairs loo deep purple and allow your drunken teenage sons to stagger in from the hot tub which you abandoned in the middle of the patio to urinate all over the untreated pine boxing in the pipework? The room was so dark and stinking my sons wouldn't go in there.

Why did you abandon the hot tub in the middle of the patio to ruin the view of the garden instead of putting it to one side? And thanks for leaving the filthy water and uncleaned filters in it [boak].

Why did you not discover that the downstairs shower has been leaking for many years so that the entire bedroom floor has had to be ripped up, and the utility room floor and the palster has all had to removed, just to try to get it dried out? And is now costing us a fortune to put right and massive upheaval, and my cat has left home over it. Actually, you did know, judging by the towels stuffed underneath to soak up the water and disguise the problem so you could sell the place. Arseholes.

Why did you allow your daughter to repaint the bedroom in black paint after accepting our offer? Is this why you suddenly went non-contact until just before completion and wouldn't let us visit. We're still trying to cover it over despite your dodgy effort with some cheap gloopy Homebase one (ha!) coat paint.

How many cups of tea and bright pink nail polish did you pour over the bedroom carpet between accepting our offer and us moving in?

Why did you spend so much money spending a fortune on extensions and other expensive work on the house but then not bother to maintain any of it?

ElizabethArdenGreenTeax Tue 05-Aug-14 17:04:22


here i go

The junk in behind the shed, when I'd asked that the shed be cleared?! That was classy.

beachyhead Tue 05-Aug-14 17:13:44

Why didn't you take your stained mattress to the tip instead of throwing it over the fence into the hedge?

Notsureaboutthisusername Tue 05-Aug-14 17:14:12

Why did you carpet the bath?

Why did you install a Jacuzzi bath if you'd decided it was too dangerous to have electrics in the bathroom so it couldn't be used (and also never clean it so the first time I tried it I was covered in black slime)?

Why did you steal all the light switches?

Why oh why did you pretend it was a conservatory when actually it's a wall with a French window next to it which you then wallpapered above so it looked like a proper wall (it was a plank of wood)?

Notsureaboutthisusername Tue 05-Aug-14 17:14:31

Oh and why leave a floater in the bog??

Goldrill Tue 05-Aug-14 17:17:19

Why did you put your pictures up with no more nails?

Maryz Tue 05-Aug-14 17:21:04

We would have liked to be able to turn on the lights, hang up our towels, pull the curtains (why leave the curtains, but no rails [baffled], see ourselves in the bathroom mirror, ring the doorbell and not have a garden full of holes where shrubs and trees had been.

You must have had an extra moving truck to move the fixtures and fittings hmm

Blueuggboots Tue 05-Aug-14 17:37:41

Thank you for the Dualit toaster, bottle of wine and new towels you left us.

No it didn't make up for the fact that you'd forgotten to mention that the flat was positioned above a family who were responsible for the local crime wave who made my life a misery, torched my car and threatened to kill me.....

teejayem Fri 08-Aug-14 09:50:25

Why did you feel the need to smoke what I assume were around 1000 cigarettes a day, primarily in the bath, thus leaving nicotine stains an inch thick around all the bathroom fixtures?

Also, why did you choose to remove the hall light fitting, plaster (very badly) over the hole in the ceiling, (And the electrical lead) and leave a pointless light switch in place, in a dark hall.....

And why did you plaster over alcove shelves in the lounge, and their contents leaving us to find back issues of Hustler, Viz & the Sun dating somewhere between 1988 and 2001 (Among other more unsavoury items) when we tore the wall down?!

emummy Fri 08-Aug-14 09:56:18

Did you ever pick up your dog's poos from the garden? We moved in 2 days after you left and picked up 30!!
And thanks for covering your kids' lovely pen drawings on the walls with furniture - such a nice surprise on moving day.

And did you actually pass your building course at college? Cos you left behind some horrifically bad DIY - squint curtain poles, holes at the edges of flooring, etc etc

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