Tell me about the most jaw dropping OMG moment you've ever witnessed...

(604 Posts)
AlpacaPicnic Sun 30-Mar-14 15:59:53

Because everyone's got a story! And here is mine...

I was on a bus recently, quite a full bus. A wheelchair in the wheelchair space, one lady with a pram (unfoldable I think) in the buggy space. Bus pulled up at a bus stop, where two ladies are waiting with pushchairs, chatting to each other.

One lady gets on, parks her pushchair into the remaining buggy space. The second lady tries to get on, but the bus driver won't let her as the buggy space is now full. She asks the lady with the pram to get off the bus so she can travel with her friend. 'Pram lady' looks at her askance, and says sorry, but she needs to get home. Both pushchair ladies then proceed to loudly and verbally abuse the pram lady for being selfish and not getting off the bus, so they can travel together.

Everyone else on the bus was stunned into silence, the bus driver throws both pushchair ladies off the bus and drives off. Pushchair ladies stand at bus stop yelling and shaking fists at the receding bus!

I've never known so many bus passengers strike up conversation all at once, making sure the 'pram lady' was ok, and generally saying 'what a pair!'

DownstairsMixUp Sun 30-Mar-14 16:07:22

I can't believe the cheek of some people! I've had a few moments like this later but am just about to go out so will add some stories later!

Oh my god that would have been so bizarre to watch!

Mine was seeing a two year old (who I know, therefore know her age), pick up and drink the can of red bull infront of her and neither parent batted an eyelid. sad

AndHarry Sun 30-Mar-14 16:10:41

A few weeks ago I was taking part in an outdoor exercise class. A woman walked her dog infront of us, her dog did a massive poo while she watched and then they both walked off!

EatShitDerek Sun 30-Mar-14 16:12:41

I saw a man changing at the boot of his car in the cinema car park while his wife stood laughing and shouting nothing to see here. Me and friend looked and saw him bent over in his tighty whiteys. We laughed for hours about that.

Armadale Sun 30-Mar-14 16:20:50

Oh I have so many to choose from!

My house faces onto a common in London, so I regularly get an eyeful.

A particular recent favourite was a white van with three men in that drove onto the common, got gardening tools out of the back, dug up turf squares covering about 15m by 15m, put the turf into the back of their van, and drove off.

Lots of us noticed but it just seemed they must be from the council works department upgrading the turf or something, it didn't occur to any of us that someone would have the brass neck to steal it in the middle of the day. The community police officer was unimpressed with us.

I also saw a couple having sex out there last week at lunchtime. I don't mean subtle fumbling I mean full on sex. They had a picnic blanket draped over them so presumably thought no-one would notice shock

The pushchair ladies sound unhinged.

SignoraStronza Sun 30-Mar-14 16:23:06

An Italian man in a leopard print thong on the beach in Mexico. He bent down to retrieve his volleyball ball and oh, my eyes!

BethDaze Sun 30-Mar-14 16:25:30

It always happens on the bus.

Someone once abandoned their teacup pig (Not so teacup sized really) on the late bus I was on. It had gone to sleep on the seat. I walked past it at the end of the route when it was just me, the driver and the pig.

Abandoned pigs aren't covered in bus driver training. He didn't even know who brought it on. It was tied to the seat, so clearly someone had but.

Also various kinds of racial and sexual abuse at drunk o'clock.

ImAThrillseekerHoney Sun 30-Mar-14 16:29:33

The first time I bumped into Percy Vere aka Jessie the Clapham Transvestite, wearing a little silver cropped top and mini skirt on his bike my jaw literally dropped. Not since Amelia Bloomer has anyone achieved such notoriety purely through their choice of outfits.

NeonMuffin Sun 30-Mar-14 16:33:56

Some years ago when I lived with my parents we had some really torrential rain, the drains couldn't cope and it caused a flash flood. It was like a river flowing down out street and several homes were sadly flooded, the fire brigade even had to rescue some people. Obviously a large crowd gathered to watch all of this, myself and my mum included.

Our street was always being used as a short cut my drivers who wanted to avoid the busy main road, and as we watched many drivers came down the road, saw it was blocked off due to the flood, turned around and went back the way they came. A woman driver then came hurtling down the road, saw the flood, stopped and then reversed backwards right into a parked car making an enormous bang and leaving a dent in it. She then drove off at speed without stopping or attempting to find out who the owner was, despite a crowd of about twenty people seeing her do it.

How the hell she thought she'd get away with it when there was so many witnesses I don't know?

SheherazadeSchadenfreude Sun 30-Mar-14 16:39:01

We lived in a smart area of Paris. Sunday afternoon, on the balcony, looking out for DD1's friend who was due to arrive. Lots of people sitting outside at restaurant on the corner, having lunch. Mother walks past with her daughter, who looked to be about four. Child was clearly mithering about something. Mother stood there and waited while child pulled down her pants and did a huge turd on the pavement right outside the restaurant - a matter of a couple of feet away from where people were eating. Child pulled up her pants and they walked on as if nothing had happened. Lovely for the diners, no?

OnlyLovers Sun 30-Mar-14 16:40:00

Beth, what happened to the pig?! [agog]

Sparklingbrook Sun 30-Mar-14 16:44:23

I used to work in a bank next door but one to a chip shop. Family of four walked in, sat at the table in the banking hall, got their fish and chips out and ate them.

No banking-weren't even customers AFAIK.

Someone smeared poo all over the buttons of the ATM one night, and a nappyless child did a poo in the banking hall.

And I though being a bank cler would be a naice job. hmm

Sparklingbrook Sun 30-Mar-14 16:44:53

*clerk even.

TheZeeTeam Sun 30-Mar-14 16:49:32

Walking home one morning after a night out and a door in front of us suddenly opened. A guy in nothing but white socks and y fronts was pushed out followed by his clothes. He sheepishly picked them up and ran off down the street clutching them.

My friend and I still howl with laughter about that one. His face was an absolute picture.

Frikadellen Sun 30-Mar-14 16:50:34

This one is years ago (about 25 actually) but I still remember it so clearly and it really was a moment of moth wide open (but for a good reason)

I was at the time working in a supermarket where we did packing for stuff to be delivered later. I had got called to pack as the cashier were putting through the shopping items. For an elderly lady who was a semi regular doing her shopping, in the queue behind her was a mother with a boy of about 5 or 6 and behind them a gentleman in his 50s or so. (to set the scene)

Boy is moving his trolley so it is repeatedly pushing into the lady whose shopping is being dealt with. She moves a bit but boy follows. She then turns and politely asks for him to stop. Get no response. Boy takes it to do even more. Lady turns again asking "please will you get your child to stop doing this it is hurting me and look my tights are completely ruined now " The mother responded " I don't believe in telling my child no this is how he wishes to express himself right now and it is important that he gets to do so so he can let go of what he is feeling"
At this point Cashier, myself and the lady are all " mouth wide open starring in shock at the mother " Child is still rocking trolley back and forth with a smirk on his face.. The man behind the mother and child had been quietly listening to it all. He then took the jar of syrup he had and opened it with his pen knife and poured it over the head of the mother stating simply.
"That was how I felt expressing myself right now"

The woman was livid angry. ranted and raved demanded the manager to be called. Called the man all sorts of names and he simply stood there looking at her as she did this. when the manager arrived he offered to pay for the syrup and any cleaning that needed doing but manager to his credit said no charge at all and asked me to take the woman whose shopping it had been to the back room and find her some new tights on the house plus give her a cup of coffee..

I only know that the woman took quite a long time to get out of the shop declaring she would NEVER shop there again. The guy however did return and every time he did would he make a comment about the syrup smile..

Lady was fine after she got new tights and a cuppa a bit shaken and asked if this was normal way to bring up children " now a days" we all assured her it was not..

it was as I said 25 years ago but I still recall it as clear as day. It was one of those moments for me where I said to myself " my kids will NEVER do stuff like that - they never have laughs"

TeaAndALemonTart Sun 30-Mar-14 16:51:43

GinSoakedMisery Sun 30-Mar-14 16:54:16

Two spring to mind after reading this thread.

Was walking in town, very busy city centre, on a Saturday afternoon. Passed two people shagging very loudly in a phone booth. You could see everything as the woman had been lifted and was pressed against the glass, skirt around her waist and his legs with trousers pulled down. They should have chosen a middle phone booth, would have been less obvious.

Second one, walking home from school, passed a child in ds1s class squatting on a street corner having a shit. Mum stood there shouting at people "have you never saw anyone shitting before". Child was 6 and left to a different school not long after.

BethDaze Sun 30-Mar-14 16:54:25

OnlyLovers The pig was temporarily housed overnight at the bus station, then taken to the Cats, Dogs and Chicken's home where it was adopted by a farmer as a pet for her kids.

Lj8893 Sun 30-Mar-14 16:54:58

My last flat was on the high street in a very naice (but with some characters!) town. I lived next door to a pub, opposite a beautiful abbey and there was a phone box next to my flat, and then public toilets just round the corner.

My mum came round and as she was waiting for me to come to the door, a man walked into the phone box, pulled his pants down, squatted and proceeded to take a dump. He then finished, and pretended he was using the phone, as if no one could actually see (and smell) the pile of shit next to him.

Sparklingbrook Sun 30-Mar-14 16:55:44

Frik I am so envy . I have never seen even a row on a bus. You were spoilt by that display.

GinSoakedMisery Sun 30-Mar-14 16:57:00

I would have LOVED to have seen that happen Frikadellen!

mrsstardust Sun 30-Mar-14 16:58:23

i once saw a grown woman get out of her car in a traffic jam and POO at the roadside.

Sparklingbrook Sun 30-Mar-14 16:59:21

What's with all the poo? confused Just no need.

Lj8893 Sun 30-Mar-14 17:00:43

Pooing in public is pretty shocking to be fair!

Frikadellen Sun 30-Mar-14 17:01:07

It was our gossip talk for months after. I wish I would have had the guts to do like the guy did a few times in my adult life (I was only 19)

BoiledPiss Sun 30-Mar-14 17:05:00

I once was crossing a road and a man was crossing in the opposite direction, as we passed (around a metre between us) he flung himslef back as if i had pushed him and yelled 'you bitch' i carried on, as did he after a few seconds, the whole time he was yelling abuse at me for 'pushing' him!

BoiledPiss Sun 30-Mar-14 17:05:57

I am shock at all the public shitting!

New Year's Eve here, which where I live means fireworks. Fireworks in the streets, in people gardens, fireworks everywhere.

We went to our local city 'town square' and it was utterly full of people holding fireworks ready to let them off at midnight.

Midnight came, and the chap a few people next to us handed his 3 or 4 year old son a firework. A massive fucking thing, not just a little banger. A proper rocket which fuse to tip was about the same size as the child. The man lit it with his fag (classy touch) and handed it to the boy. The boy had no idea what to do with it, and I suspect was not even strong enough to hold it aloft. He waved it wildly around, holding the actual rocket rather than the wooden stick, pointed it at one point at his own face, waved it a bit more, and then with literally seconds to spare, the man grabbed it and pointed it upwards yelling at the boy to 'hold it up in the air'.

Christ. As soon as I saw that the boy had it pointed at his face whilst his dad admired the other fieworks I started to push my way through the crowd to grab it off him but there were so many people so close together I would not have made it in time.

OnlyLovers Sun 30-Mar-14 17:10:02

Beth, is that true or are you basically telling me that it 'went to live on a nice farm'? grin

Sparklingbrook Sun 30-Mar-14 17:11:29

Psammead shock DS2 went to a firework display at his mates house. The Dad was lighting the fireworks with a blowtorch. shock

AlpacaPicnic Sun 30-Mar-14 17:11:34

That is actually terrifying. I have said for years that fireworks should not be sold to the general public...

But I knew this thread would get a few good stories. I just didn't think so many of them would be about poo...

AlpacaPicnic Sun 30-Mar-14 17:12:56

I have twice, in two different locations, known members of the public to poo in the library I work in though... Just there on the carpet, next to the shelves... <vom>

justasmallone Sun 30-Mar-14 17:16:33

Really shocked at the poo ones

everythinghippie29 Sun 30-Mar-14 17:17:11

When I went on a school trip to France I was in the cafe on the Eiffel tower having a cake and two people were having sex on the bench opposite the large window to it.

They were not as subtle as they obviously thought they were being.

Being 15, both me and my best friend were VERY omg! grin

AnimalsAreMyFriends Sun 30-Mar-14 17:21:04

Jam packed commuter train out of London. A disabled woman (walking with crutches) and a little girl board the train. There is no a seat to be had & no one offered to move. When the guard came past, she asked if there was any chance that she could perch in the (nearly empty) first class carriage. She showed him her disabled rail card and he took her down and found her a seat. Her little girl perched on her lap as the train left.

About 20 minutes into the journey, the woman who was sitting opposite the disabled lady put down her book and said "Well, that is just out of order. I pay a FORTUNE to sit in First Class, how dare they allow you to travel in here without a valid ticket" The woman got louder and louder and was shrieking "You shouldn't be allowed to be in here, it is not acceptable, I won't have it" Everyone in earshot looked horrified and started looking down, whilst the disabled lady got redder and redder, her little girl was crying.

The guard came in mid rant and the woman turned on him "How dare you let this happen, I've paid to be in here - SHE (dramatic gesturing) has NOT." The guard explained that he was very sorry, but he was not going to let a disabled woman stand on his train, when there were empty seats in first class. She was having none of it, she was writing down his number and reporting him to every authority under the sun.

The disabled lady got up and struggled out of the carriage, with tears running down her face, and her little girl followed behind. The woman was screaming at her by this point, that portion of the train in stunned silence. The guard followed her and made sure that she got a seat. But OMG, over the top, or what?

MorrisZapp Sun 30-Mar-14 17:23:13

When I was a kid I saw a peacock in full fan mode, running in and out of traffic on our busy street.

It had run out of the grounds of a nearby posh hotel.

Eminybob Sun 30-Mar-14 17:25:39

On a beach in gran canaria, a man sat spread legged on a sun lounger, towel draped over, but oh my god you could see his dick literally hanging down touching the sand. It was massive. I had to give my friend the "look but don't look" nod, she turned around and her face was a picture.

More recently, a cheeky tesco employee who cut in front of me at the checkout, blatantly and un apologetically to buy herself a sandwich. I just stared oped mouthed at her audacity.

chosenone Sun 30-Mar-14 17:37:30

I had moved to Plymouth in my early 20's and had gonebowling with some new friends ! We went into the attached bar later that night and it was quite rough and ready and lots of people were drunkenly doing karaoke. I couldn't believe my eyes when a drunken woman, frumpy and sensible looking and probably late 50's did a really ott awful version of some old classic. Warbling out of tune, winking and flirting with the crowd she seemed to get completely carried away. As she got a few 'joke' wolf whistles, she began to undo her blouse, revealing a old greying bra just about keeping her huge and sagging breasts in...I and a few others looked shocked but her friends/people shes with cheered her on and her bra was off !! Swinging pendulous breasts were now part of her 'act' until soneone from management dragged her off literally kicking and screaming !

jumblebee Sun 30-Mar-14 17:38:18

Animals why on earth did no one tell that entitled cow to stfu?! If I had heard her, I'd like to think I would have told her to wind her neck in confused that poor woman and her daughter!

TheRogueBludger Sun 30-Mar-14 17:42:20

On the nightbus after a night out, a drunken couple got on who had obviously just broken up. Massive shouty argument ensued. The whole bus silent. Can't remember who said what etc but I do remember the girl shouting 'I can get any man I want'! to her ex. At this point everyone tried to look at her subtly and were probably all thinking no, love, you couldn't.

Sparklingbrook Sun 30-Mar-14 17:46:27

Standing at the sidelines of Junior footy has been an eye opener. Watching an Under 9s match one father yelled from the sidelines-

'F**KING TAKE HIM OUT SON!!!' whilst encouraging his DS to put a tackle in. shock

pippop1 Sun 30-Mar-14 17:48:00

DS1 told me this.

He was in his car in a long traffic jam on a bridge and a man, in the back seat of the car in front of him, got out of the car ran around the back of the car and got into the other side.

The man was naked.

Quakerlady Sun 30-Mar-14 17:48:04

I went to view an empty house with the estate agent. There was a pain room in the basement and the owner was hanging from an oversized cross on the wall being beaten. Owner was in his late seventies, as was the main doing the whipping.

eastdulwichbedwetter Sun 30-Mar-14 17:49:02

I cycled past a couple of guys driving on the old kent road a small van and saw the driver wedge the wheel between his knees freeing his hands up to chop out lines of coke(?)and roll up a note and snort them, handing over the cd case to his mate, all the while steering with his knees !

CabbagesAndKings Sun 30-Mar-14 17:49:05

These are brilliant and horrifying :D

ConcreteElephant Sun 30-Mar-14 17:50:04

Hehe Chosenone, sounds like a standard night out in Plymouth to me ;)

OnlyLovers Sun 30-Mar-14 17:51:14

Quaker, that is RIGHT out of the League of Gentlemen grin. That's won the thread, I think.

I'm also shock at the woman in first class in Animals' story. I'm as English and conflict-averse as they come, but even I would have had to say something to her. What a beee-yatch.

BadLad Sun 30-Mar-14 17:52:33

Probably the woman who yelled at me "I can open the fucking door for myself".

It wasn't even a white knight gesture of mine. Approaching the door from different sides, she would have pushed it, but I got there a fraction before her, pulled it open, and stepped aside to let her through. I'd have done the same for a bloke approaching.

That was what I got, instead of thanks.

Made me a little apprehensive about opening doors for womenn for a while, but now I realise that she was just ill-mannered.

uselessidiot Sun 30-Mar-14 17:53:45

I can't think of anything. I think most things have lost the shock factor for me. I just expect the worst from everyone now.

RhondaJean Sun 30-Mar-14 17:55:03

DH and I were sitting in a Glasgow city centre restaurant last year, at a window table, one lunchtime.

A man in an Audi tried to park on the street outside the window, reversed into the Volvo behind, pulled forward into the BMW in front, settled in the middle of the space, got out without a glance and walked away.

We were shock

Ten minutes later he returned, reversed into the Volvo again, pulled out into the road and drove away.

I took his plate, there was no obvious damage on either car but we intended to pop out and tell the other drivers just in case. Unfortunately we had a cocktail or two and when we next remembered to look out both the other cars had changed.

I have never seen such audacity in public though. And he must have had parking sensors.

AnimalsAreMyFriends Sun 30-Mar-14 17:57:09

Sadly I am the disabled lady in the story and I have never been more mortified in my life.

I am older and more gobby wiser now & would probably give as good as I got these days.

Shudder just remembering it.

JuniperJones Sun 30-Mar-14 17:58:46

A couple of years ago, I was in the gym one summer's evening looking out of the window on the treadmill. I began to realise that EVERY SINGLE PERSON I could see was in fancy dress. I looked over at my fellow gym-goers and none of them appeared to be freaked out. There were loads and loads of people all in various fancy dress get up.

I left the gym and went to the bus stop, more groups of people in fancy dress. I was beginning to think I had missed a serious city-wide memo and I was wracking my brain trying to figure out WTF was going on.

I got on the bus and lo! There were loads of people in fancy dress. I said to one person "Why are you all in fancy dress?!" and his response...

"Why aren't YOU in fancy dress!?!"

ARGH!

As it turned out, it was a fundraising thing for a massive employer here but it freaked me right out.

VivaLeBeaver Sun 30-Mar-14 17:58:51

A woman who got on the train with a penguin under her arm which she informed the guard she'd caught it on the beach. This was Bridlington.

grin

Guard informed her it was a gulliemot.

AnimalsAreMyFriends Sun 30-Mar-14 18:00:35

grin @ the penguin from Bridlington beach!!!!

500internalerror Sun 30-Mar-14 18:00:44

I've seen a woman holding her child over a bin to wee - the bin was in an enclosed space inside a major tourist attraction, & the toilets were less than a metre away with no queues. Why???

500internalerror Sun 30-Mar-14 18:03:59

Also seen a man jump out of an upstairs window - not the most exciting thing in the thread, but it was a shock as I wasn't expecting it! I was just walking past!

CharlieWoo Sun 30-Mar-14 18:04:20

Some of these are shocking!

SilverOldie Sun 30-Mar-14 18:05:15

I was on a bus sitting on one of the long seats next to a woman trying to breastfeed her crying baby who just didn't want to know. In exasperation, the woman said 'right, if you don't want to feed I'll give it to the nice man opposite'. Man sits with shock look frozen on his face grin

Ledare Sun 30-Mar-14 18:06:02

Ahahaha at the gulliemot grin

<watches thread to see if insane things I have done are mentioned>

NachoAddict Sun 30-Mar-14 18:07:49

My mind has gone blank after reading these, don't thnk I have seen anything that shocking though.

Animals so sorry that happened to you. What a disgusting woman she was.

LynetteScavo Sun 30-Mar-14 18:09:19

Yesterday in Claire's Accessories.

Two girls (I think sisters/twins) getting their ears pierced. One girl had already had hers done, and the second girl was in the chair about to have hers pierced. First girl faints.

The shop assistant panics, and phones for security (who apparently don't answer). Mum puts fainted girl into recovery position, but her daughter in the piercing chair starts to cry because she's worried about fainted girl. (I went over and told her she would be OK - by now she was sitting up, but mum looked very stressed)

Then the next girl in the queue to have her ears pierced starts to cry and say she doesn't want her ears pierced. The two ladies with her (I think they were both her grandmothers) both firmly took an arm each and told her she would be fine.

Fainted girl and her family were taken to the back of the shop by the still much flustered shop lady (and a passing security guard I'd dragged in - I'm presuming he is first aid trained) while the two grandmothers escorted their little girl to the ear piercing chair, still crying and protesting.

I wanted to shout you "You are all loons! Leave your little girls ears alone if it causes this much stress. It's supposed to be fun!"

Ohwhatfuckeryisthis Sun 30-Mar-14 18:11:57

Arf at guillemot.
Dh and a friend of ours went to Scarborough. Walked up to North Beach, stood on cliff, looking out over packed beach. A jet fighter appeared and did a few passes over,nothing too exceptional. It then started flying closer and lower over the sea not too far out. Then did a swooping turn near the castle (lady in there said later she could see in the cockpit) and another lowish pass. Climbs a bit, does a loop and...disappears into the sea. Total silence, everyone on beach just shock. nothing at all in the paper or on the news.
Walked off totally stunned,past a man walking a bear. (Circus in town, bear liked a paddle, of course)

VivaLeBeaver Sun 30-Mar-14 18:12:31

I was once driving on a duel carriageway and a scaffolding pole came off an overtaking van and through my driver's window.

That was quite jaw dropping!

SizzlesSit Sun 30-Mar-14 18:12:41

In the middle of ten days of strikes. Packed commuter trains and platforms. Train doors about to shut - one woman grabbed another woman, pulled her off and took her place. Doors shut. Everyone on train and platform was shock

VivaLeBeaver Sun 30-Mar-14 18:13:24

What happened to the plane? Had it crashed or just went out of sight?

OnlyLovers Sun 30-Mar-14 18:14:04

Animals, I'm so angry for you!

grin at the Bridlington 'penguin' though. How on earth did she catch a guillemot?

HarderThanYouThink Sun 30-Mar-14 18:14:34

A woman who lives on my road got absolutely steaming drunk, walked down our road, stopped, pulled her pants down, pissed, and walked off.

Anyway about an hour earlier im in the back garden having a fag when i hear a commotion, so i go to have a nosey, the drunk woman (who is in her 60's) has tried to climb into the field behind our row of houses and had got her cardigan and hair tangled in the barbed wire, screaming and shouting at other neighbours who are trying to help her out, the farmer who owns the field turned up and called the police.

I was like this shock at the whole thing!

HarderThanYouThink Sun 30-Mar-14 18:14:55

*an hour later

giveadogabonio Sun 30-Mar-14 18:15:26

This is a really horrible one sad

Very drunk lady used to come in the pub we worked in and chat to the landlord. I think he had been sympathetic to her when she came in from the bus stop outside once or twice.

Anyway, she obviously had a drink problem and used to come rolling in very very drunk. One time she was SO drunk and had missed her last bus home.

Landlord took her home, I went too, as I think he wanted to cover his back as it were.

Pulled up outside her house and her DH came out to the front of the house, she got out of the car and he hooked her round the neck with a walking stick and dragged her into the house sad

giveadogabonio Sun 30-Mar-14 18:19:06

Another grim one from the same pub.

A rough looking guy aged around mid-50s came into the bar at lunchtime. He was with a girl who didn't speak English, around 17 years old. I don't know how they had come to be in each other's company, she seemed to be under the impression he was just buying her lunch.

When he was at the bar he was saying all sorts of obscene things about what he was going to do to her, and she was utterly, utterly oblivious. She wanted a soft drink and he was trying to get me to put alcohol in it.

When they left I ran upstairs and got my friend out of the kitchen. We followed them down the street and into the supermarket they disappeared into. We waited til he walked down an aisle to look for something and accosted her, basically communicating that he was a dodgy fucker and didn't have good intentions and got her to come back to the pub with us leaving the weirdo behind.

BertieBotts Sun 30-Mar-14 18:20:26

Mine was probably the time I asked my boss at the time if I could be trained in testing electrical items. He looked heavily suspicious and then said, outright, "I'm not being funny, but I like my girls to stay on tills."

shock

LisaMed Sun 30-Mar-14 18:21:14

I went to see Dracula the Ballet (really great) and a lot of the audience were dressed up. Someone behind me in a long Victorian dress dropped their programme and I handed it back to her. Except 'her' was a 'him'. Don't get me wrong, whatever floats your boat but it made me blink.

So did the person on the bus dressed as a green elf. DH told me he probably worked at the elf service. He got his coat.

Snatchoo Sun 30-Mar-14 18:21:52

My mind has gone blank at things I've seen, but the most horrifying thing I've ever heard was when a friend was having a meal with her partner (both women) and two men went into the restaurant just to verbally and physically abuse them. As in, holding one of them by the throat up against the wall for having the audacity to be gay.

Thankfully they were both caught and jailed but that was no thanks to the restaurant staff who did nothing till the men ran out angry

Xfirefly Sun 30-Mar-14 18:23:43

Gosh what is it with poo in such public places!? I can add to this..someone had a poo in the sauna where I work. just pooed and left it there for the poor assistant to find.

Also, had people have sex in the jacuzzi...grim

RavenRose Sun 30-Mar-14 18:24:43

A good few years ago while a student a group of us had gone to a bit of a dive as the beer was cheap. Went to the loo and there's a women, skirt hitched up around her waist peeing away with the loo door wide open.

My drink addled brain picked up that something wasn't quite right. As she finished all I heard was "ah fuck, forgot me knickers". She then pulled her pee soaked knickers off, wrung them out in the sink and tried to dry them with hand drier. Except she could barely stand so asked me to help. I was pretty pissed myself but not that pissed grin

WitchWay Sun 30-Mar-14 18:25:42

I was in a small traffic jam in a small local town - nothing much, just a bit of a queue for an awkward junction. In front was a sports car & in front of that a girl on a big horse. The bloke in the sports car kept revving up & creeping close behind the horse which was now dancing about a bit. The rider kept glaring over her shoulder & making "back off" gestures - no use. Eventually she made the horse reverse till it literally sat on the bonnet & dented it! He was furious grin

I can't think of anything but the penguin/guillemot has me in stitches.

I did have a shock moment today of a more minor scale. Was on a dual carriageway. Dh moved out of right lane into the left to let a zooming motor bike past. Just as it over took a bloody great buzzard came hurtling down missing the motor bike man (and us to a certain extent) by a hairs breadth to land on the median.

Could you imagine the police report had the bike and the buzzard collided?

RalphLaurenLover Sun 30-Mar-14 18:27:33

I went to pick up lunch from M&S and whilst walking through the clothes department and overheard some couple arguing about the amount the wife has in her trolley, (turns out her husband had been calculating it up and it was £200+) when he told her to put some stuff back she hit him in the balls and shouted "why should I you had an affair" everyone stopped wide eyes and looked at him. He quickly followed that with "fine, keep it" never seen someone look so ashamed before!

SaskiaRembrandtWasFramed Sun 30-Mar-14 18:30:51

About two weeks after 9/11 I saw a passenger plane fly the full length of my road about 50 feet above the houses while accompanied by two fighter jets. Totally freaked me out. Never found out why.

Yeas ago on a foggy day I saw four cavaliers (Civil War soldiers, not the cars) coming through the mist towards me. Once again I was pretty freaked out, then I noticed they were carrying shopping bags, and realised they must be from some kind of re-enactment society grin

My mum saw a man have a poo on the pavement outside a very naice tearooms in the West Country.

Sparklysilversequins Sun 30-Mar-14 18:32:27

In the park walking my dog with my two small dc. As we left a big exuberant dog bounded up and started harassing my little timid dog. His owner and her friend were yelling for him but he refused to come back. By this point my two dc both aged under 5 (both with ASD, so little road sense) were going out the park gate to the car. I carried on walking to catch up to them and big dog came too, still hassling my dog.

Eventually the owner caught up with her disobedient dog and proceeded to lay into me verbally for not waiting for her to retrieve her dog and leading him out of the park shock apparently I should have abandoned my children to their fate while waiting for her to cross the park. Her mate caught up and joined in with her! Two shrieking women grin

I actually laughed in her face and told her she was mad if she thought my responsibility towards her dog was greater than towards my own children. Then turned my radio up to a high volume to drown her out and screeched away leaving her and her friend mouthing behind me.

I posted about it in AIBU actually and got a rare 100% YANBU.

EBearhug Sun 30-Mar-14 18:34:36

Whether it's a penguin or a guillemot, what would make anyone think it's okay to catch it (how did she manage that anyway) and take it on a train?

I can't think of anything particularly jaw-dropping compared with all the public pooing. (I've never seen anyone poo in public. Which is good. Though work legend has it that before my time, someone apparently pooed in the dishwasher at work following the announcement of a big round of redundancies.)

The last time I remember my jaw-dropping was at work when I was with HR making a complaint about a manager, and when the response was, "I've only ever heard good things about him," I was literally open-mouthed with shock. But actually, it was probably true - most people have either put up with his bullying, or left and said they've got another job even when it's really because they're fed up with the bullying.

HappyGoLuckyGirl Sun 30-Mar-14 18:35:45

I bet it was pretty mortifying for the woman in the traffic jam though. What if she had been stuck for hours and really needed to go?

I wouldn't have pooped on the roadside. If I was really desperate, I would have at least gone behind a bush!!

fuckitall Sun 30-Mar-14 18:37:18

A while ago I was out clubbing in a more upmarket club in student town, the club had a beach theme. So the club had a stage and on that stage was a hot tub. They let two guys and two girls paddle in as it was basically a paddling pool. I turned round to look at my friend and back again and the men were stark naked swinging their pride and glory but they only stopped when they got bored or cold. We were like shock it's a posh club.

Same night I was picked up when I was dancing and the bloke ran off with me over his shoulder like "me Tarzan you jane" that was scary as I'm tiny.

RabbitPies Sun 30-Mar-14 18:37:22

I took a pied wagtail on a train once. Much smaller than a guillemot though.

Dwerf Sun 30-Mar-14 18:47:42

Standing in the school playground one time waiting for kick-out time when I hear the slow clopping of hooves. One of the travellers had come to pick up their nursery kids on horseback. There's now a sign on the schoolgates that reads 'no bikes, no dogs, no horses'.

Another horsey one, came back from a night out in a taxi about 2am to discover a herd of about thrity horses just ambling down the street. This is not shocking any more, it's happened half a dozen times.

Oh, and the sight of six kids on four horses galloping down the main road. One of the kids I knew was about ten, she was in my daughter's class at school. Not a helmet (nor indeed a saddle) between them.

Oh, and the guy walking through the city centre this winter dressed in a leather jacket, big boots and very tight leather fetish shorts...

BecauseIsaidS0 Sun 30-Mar-14 18:49:39

On a London bus, I'm sitting on one of the seats right behind the luggage hold thingie.

A woman gets on the bus, stands in front of me and says "Excuse me, can I sit down?". I look at her, a bit confused, because she does not look disabled, but then I remember that many disabilities are not obvious to the naked eye.

In the split second that took me to think the above, she screams at me "I said can I sit down, you fucking bitch!!!". I've never got out of a seat so quickly. She kept screaming at me as I scuttled to the back of the bus, where nice people asked me if I was ok.

All of this at 8am on a Monday morning confused

callmekitten Sun 30-Mar-14 18:50:47

As I was leaving the grocery one day, there was a woman ahead of me who had several small children with her. The youngest, who was barely old enough to walk independently, was very focused on the banana her mother had given her and had fallen significantly behind the rest of the family. The parking lot was pretty busy but the mother just kept walking and didn't even look behind her for the child. Well, this brought on a feeling of fear in me that is usually reserved for my own child. I approached the child and guided her to her mother, who then looked at me like I was trying to steal her child, and began yelling at the child for falling behind the rest of them.

Ohwhatfuckeryisthis Sun 30-Mar-14 18:53:43

viva we think the pilot may have lost it and either misjudged the angle or purposely did it. When we thought how close it was from the beach. But no explosion, just pfffft.

RandomPants Sun 30-Mar-14 18:59:32

We have a breastfeeding group that meets in a local building one afternoon a week. The same day at the same time another group meets. There are only ever two of them. One is a little old lady and one is a 6 foot man with stubble. He wears a dress, a wig and make up. He's very pleasant. But I just want to know whyyyy?!

YoungGirlGrowingOld Sun 30-Mar-14 18:59:58

Back in my university days I befriended an ex-miner who was a mature student using his redundancy money to fund his degree. He used to take the piss out of me for being a "soft Southern Jesse" and said I needed a "proper" night out with him and his mates.

Fast forward to our night out in a pit village near Mansfield and the first of his mates we met had "Fuck the Pope" tattooed backwards on his forehead. There were 4 loo cubicles and one shared toilet roll dispenser between them nailed to the wall outside. You took a handful of loo roll whilst queuing...

Freely admitted to him afterwards that clearly I had led a very sheltered life up until that point... grin

LadySnapcase Sun 30-Mar-14 19:07:31

A 60-odd year old man with a heavy cold blew his nose, opened the tissue, took a good long look at the contents and then ate it.

Sparklingbrook Sun 30-Mar-14 19:08:14

I worked in an office in charge of a team of about twelve. We sat at desks facing each other, 6 each side.

The employee opposite me used to drink can after can of diet coke all day. Always putting it back in her drawer after each swig.

Part of my job was to do a drawer check (to see if work had been put in there and not completed and stationery wasn't being stockpiled). There was always a can in her drawer.

One night after everyone had gone I did the drawer check and something made me sniff the can. Whisky. shock

Roseformeplease Sun 30-Mar-14 19:09:15

I took a load of teenagers on a trip to London. We stayed just outside the centre and travelled in by train. Coming in on a Saturday morning, we went through a station slowly, without stopping. The pupils' eyes were out on stalks as, on the platform, seemingly waiting for the next train as if nothing was out of the ordinary, was a large group (20+) of men wearing nothing but nappies.

I assume stag party but always wondered. For my pupils, many on their first trip to London, it was eye popping!

jonicomelately Sun 30-Mar-14 19:09:16
Mintyy Sun 30-Mar-14 19:15:40

Dh has seen a man pooing on the platform at Peckham Rye station at 8 on a weekday morning.

Just having a think about mine ...

VoyageDeVerity Sun 30-Mar-14 19:16:00

Not a very nice one but my jaw did drop.

On my honeymoon in Italy, Milan to be exact, we sat down for a meal in a pizza restaurant. Sat opposite us was a very beefy aggressive policeman and a blonde, frightened looking woman both around 40. He was verbally abusing her very badly, everyone ignored it, a packed restaurant. DH and I were about to step in when he pulled out his gun and started waving it in her face.

The staff all turned away.

GarlicMarchHare Sun 30-Mar-14 19:16:28

Whatfuckery, your diving plane story was shock but what really sealed it was your closing comment! A day to remember!

Saskia, I wonder if there was some sort of running air force 'joke' after 9/11? I worked in Canary Wharf then, and for a few days afterwards small jets would fly between the buildings ... it was disturbing, but of course we all had to pretend to be nonchalant about these near re-enactments occurring around the 15th floor.

PirateJones Sun 30-Mar-14 19:17:20

The other week I asked my 13 year old if she had a question for miss piggy and Kermit, she responded with:

“why do people keep treating them like they are real, they are puppets!”
And then to make matters worse she said, “Jim Henson died in the 80’s so its not even the same people doing the voices”
My jaw hit the floor, what was she talking about? shock

KrevlornswathoftheDeathwokClan Sun 30-Mar-14 19:20:23

Was this the plane accident Ohwhat?

aviation-safety.net/wikibase/wiki.php?id=56584

VivaLeBeaver Sun 30-Mar-14 19:21:09

According to the train guards guillemots often semi collapse on the beach after tiring themselves out flying out at sea.

She found it knackered on the beach. Wrapped it up in a fleece jacket, tied its beak up with a shoelace and decided to catch the train to the zoo.

I had tears rolling down my face. I still get the giggles about it.

MissMarplesBloomers Sun 30-Mar-14 19:22:31

6am returning from dropping a friend off for an early morning train to go on holiday.

Drove past a guy running towards me followed by 6 men in balaclavas with steel bars, they circled him & proceeded to beat the daylights out of him as he was running.
I drove past slowly thinking WTF ...& WTF do I do ....beeped the horn really hard..thought fucking silly mare draw attention to yourself why don't you.
They disappeared, I drove fast to the nearby police station & the office wasn't open yet, I knew there were staff in I could hear them laughing through the open window of the upstairs canteen-screaming was ignored, so I had to dial 999 sitting in the car park. I drove home shaking, & had to stop at the place I last saw him when I saw an ambulance to check he was OK...he wasn't & I drove off it was only 6.15 at that point, all happened so quickly.

Within an hour CID were on the phone asking for a statement as he wasn't expected to live -apparently it was some local thugs trying to persuade the man to change his mind about some dispute shock

Thankfully the poor chap did & bravely gave evidence that made sure they all got their just deserts.

I don't live in an inner city area, just a sleepy market town-honest!!

WitchWay Sun 30-Mar-14 19:22:52

Viva grin

WitchWay Sun 30-Mar-14 19:24:25

MissMarple that's just awful sad

A man walking down a busy London street at lunchtime. With a parrot on each shoulder.

Wossname Sun 30-Mar-14 19:25:59

But but but that woman in the vid looks normal! Wtf!

YellowDahlias Sun 30-Mar-14 19:27:28

This only sticks out as I was young but on my way to my new job, I was walking to work and passed by a large, rather grim looking man driving a low slung sports car. He was busy whacking off while driving his car.

PipkinsPal Sun 30-Mar-14 19:27:52

"I'm sorry to have to tell you this madam, but that is a guillemot" grin

HotDogHotDogHotDiggityDog Sun 30-Mar-14 19:29:04

Last year at a car boot sale, I overhead a lady complaining to her husband how disgusting it was that she had to walk around to look at everything.

She had a face like a dog chewing a wasp. Really grumpy looking.

10 minutes later, I was stood next to another lady looking at something, when the whinger pretty much stood right up against her. As the lady turned, she bumped into the grump, said sorry and tried to move to the side.

Old grumpy then verbally laid into her saying she should have been looking where she was going. Everyone was looking. Poor woman was stunned until I jumped to her defense.

I mean, it's a car boot sale FFS.

She expected the cars to drive to her so she could look at stuff, and was outraged someone might have the cheek to bump into her even if she was stood up against them.

WitchWay Sun 30-Mar-14 19:29:20

I once saw a woman breast-feeding a tiny baby in the driver's seat of a car while driving. I glanced over while overtaking her on the A1M shock

notjustamummythankyou Sun 30-Mar-14 19:31:32

saskia - my dh is a bit of a military geek. Just mentioned your story to him, and he said the airliner may have been a fuel tanker. Apparently, they use dc10s and tristars, just like the old airliners. Doesn't explain it travelling so low though!

shakinstevenslovechild Sun 30-Mar-14 19:31:50

I once witnessed a huge limo pulling up outside a travel agents, 2 women got out, dressed in what can only be described as swimsuits, high heels on, champagne in hand, giggling
in like mad. Then a massive bloke in dark glasses and a dark suit got out, both women took his arms and they walked into the travel agents.

It was utterly bizarre, like something out of a film.

GarlicMarchHare Sun 30-Mar-14 19:32:02

Wow, Krevlorn, it must be sad

Euphemia Sun 30-Mar-14 19:36:17

Two pals and me Inter-railing in the 1980s, in Switzerland. Arrived in Interlakken and noticed this rather creepy bloke in red swimming trunks watching us.

We had a lovely time by the lake for several hours then wandered back up towards the train station. Same bloke was still watching us, turning himself round to face us all the way up the hill. We glanced back once we got to the top of the hill, and he was standing, todger out, masturbating in our general direction. blush

I have a photo I took of my pals at the start of the afternoon, with him in the background. Nearly 30 years on I still look at the photo and think "There's that guy who wanked at us later that day." blush

Kind of ruined my previously squeaky-clean image of Switzerland!

shouldnthavesaid Sun 30-Mar-14 19:37:43

Going out with uni friends, they took a girl who had obviously taken something - I'm pretty sure e, plus a couple of joints and probably something else, along with too much alcohol. We tried to sober her, got her a pizza and some coffee and she seemed a bit better in herself. Ten minutes later, she's howling hysterically. So what does my friend do? Bought her a bottle of whisky..

Never mind, let's go on the bus, we decided. She runs to the back of the bus, spreads her legs and asks if I can see her 'vagina'.. She then starts crying again, this time about a miscarriage she'd had.

'Drink your whisky', says my bloody friend, 'You'll forget once you're good and pissed'

Get off the bus, head to nice pub. She whips hee dress off in the street, says she has a sore nipple and can I help her? Nipple was sore due to a botched piercing. It had been dressed and the dressing had slipped. I had her semi nude in the street, 8pm in mid July, with lots of people staring. I was standing thinking, wtf am I doing here?

I'm ashamed to say I was a very naive 18 year old, first year of uni and I'd never dealt with anything like this. I am tee total and I knew I'd be 'mummy' all night as everyone else was leaving her to me. I saw her into a naice pub with older punters, plus twenty odd friends that were just tipsy, and walked out to get the first bus home.

Her father was a GP and she'd been in a private school. I often wonder if her parents really knew what she was doing away from home.

GroupieGirl Sun 30-Mar-14 19:38:59

I was sunbathing in Green Park one afternoon - just me, not many other people around, completely absorbed in my book. Suddenly, I hear a noise, and these guys all park up... I was a little surprised!

When DS2 was six (pre autism diagnosis) he was having a meltdown in the supermarket when an old lady came marching and announced VERY loudly "That young man needs a good smack on the backside!!!"
I replied equally loudly "And you lady need to learn to mind your own business!!!" I picked up DS2 and left the lady mouthing like a goldfish!!!

RubyRain Sun 30-Mar-14 19:41:54

It was my cousins 18th birthday party a fair few years ago. Her family had ordered her a kiss o gram for a bit of fun. So there was cousin sitting on a chair in the middle of the room with the kiss o gram doing his, emm, job. Next thing we knew my cousins brother dives over the tables and smacks the poor bloke right in the face shock.

He then proceeded to chase him around the function room, staggering about clearly drunk, shouting "get away from my sister!" There was blood everywhere, I felt so bad for the poor man. The woman who worked behind the bar called the police and got bouncers to come in and restrain my cousins brother.

We were all so shocked and still to this day have no idea why he lunged for the kiss o gram confused

On holiday, visiting a French zoo. We were admiring a tiny little capuchin monkey clinging to the wire at the front of his cage when the man next to me lit a cigarette and started to push it through the wire for the monkey to take, grinning all the while as if it was great sport.

I was able to grab his arm and wrench it away in time, and some fairly choice phrases from schoolgirl French found a use once again.

Merefin Sun 30-Mar-14 19:47:19

Saw a man fall backwards off some scaffolding from first floor height, landing on his back. He got up, dusted himself down, and walked entirely normally down the road, as if this was a totally usual way to exit a building.

I had to sit down on the kerb as I felt dizzy and sick just having seen it.

I remembered a very surreal moment...

I was about 16 or 17 and my friends and I borrowed a narrow boat from the friend of one of their dad's.

4 16 year olds on a narrow boat. With no clue about how to actually drive it.

We tried to turn around after day one of our little weekend trip but the lever thingy which made it go forward and back snapped off. We just sort of drifted about for a while, trying to stick it back on with plasters so we could steer again.

We became aware that a very pretty looking river boat was coming our way. It was white and all decorated with bunting and was the sort of boat you might hire out for a few hours for tea and cake with a party of people.

We were sideways across the canal and the boat started hooting at us. Somehow we managed to go to one side of the canal so they could move past, and as they did, their passengers, about 20 long haired, bearded heavy metal fans, sporting AC/DC and Metallica t-shirts, all stood on deck, flipping us the bird and yelling obscenities at us.

It was so confusing. Wtf were a bunch of Hell's Angels types doing on a pretty little river boat? It was so funny, and weird.

TrexWithReachSticks Sun 30-Mar-14 20:04:04

Armadale You should have grassed them up.

BeaWheesht Sun 30-Mar-14 20:04:27

When at edinburgh zoo my kids were playing at the park next to the penguins, a wee boy pushed past them, shat on the path and went back up the ladder. Parents saw and laughed.

NurseyWursey Sun 30-Mar-14 20:05:50

When a man dropped his trousers and danced around me in a circle. I was 14/15 at the time and it was dark, I was in a secluded area. I was shocked!

The other day 2 homeless men were fighting outside the Home Bargains because one was on the others 'patch'

Lj8893 Sun 30-Mar-14 20:06:56

I have another poo one.

My dp works in a pub, he opened up one day and cleaned the pub including the toilets. Nobody had been in the pub all morning until this one woman came in, she seemed very respectable, quite posh, well dressed etc. she had a drink and went to the toilet, she came back and said to my dp "someone's made a bit of a mess in the toilet", finished her drink and left.

Dp went to inspect and clean the mess, and there was shit everywhere, smeared into the toilet seat, all over the walls, the door, toilet roll holder.
It could only have been the woman that alerted him to the mess!

Plomino Sun 30-Mar-14 20:10:17

As a police officer , have had some surreal moments , but the oddest happened a few years ago when I was on night duty in West London . We're driving down the A40 , when we see a little black Mr Bean type mini join the road from the slip road in front of us . It joins a bit erratically , slowing down , then suddenly speeding up , changes lanes unneccesarily slowly , then jerks to a halt at the traffic lights , before kangarooing away when they turn green . 'Aha! ' we think , possible drink drive , so we stop the vehicle , and it pulls over into a layby . I hop out of the car and go over to the driver's side , to get them out onto the pavement . At which point , the mini door opens , and the longest pair of legs in fishnets and heels , I've ever seen unfold themselves from the car , followed by the rest of this most gorgeous dark haired beautifully dressed person in full evening cocktail dress , who is literally seven feet tall . And male . So I say ' look I'm sorry , but we've pulled you because of your driving . Have you had anything to drink this evening? ' and he replies 'no I'm just shit at driving in heels '

He then goes to the boot , changes the heels for trainers , and drives off with a grin. Bless .

rainbowfeet Sun 30-Mar-14 20:10:19

I worked for a well known high street store in customer services.. Apart from the usual people trying to return clothes that had been purchased & worn several years ago, underwear & swim wear without the hygiene strip etc.. I had a lady queue for ages with a potty full of her child's wee for me to go & empty!! (I didn't)!
Several lost children but one who's mother & had told to find a security guard & disappeared off out if the shop & around town while we looked after him!! Child was 4 yrs old.. Staff had searched the store for her for half an hour before calling the police she strolls back about 30 minutes later 'to pick him up'!! shock

VivaLeBeaver Sun 30-Mar-14 20:10:48

Euphemia, that reminds me of the man who at the swimming pool at my gym strutted up and down the poolside naked and then joined me and the only other female in the hot tub and started wanking in the hot tub.

RubyRain Sun 30-Mar-14 20:13:29

rainbow dear lord, that's terrible parenting right there! shock

giveadogabonio Sun 30-Mar-14 20:16:28

Ah, that's sad about the little boy, rainbowfeet.

I have heard of that happening in libraries a lot. Some people just really don't care, do they?

I saw a man pull down his trousers and take a shit in a car park.

PicandMinx Sun 30-Mar-14 20:18:33

Another poo one.

DM and I were walking down the Kings Road behind a naice couple (think Sloane Ranger) when the "gentleman" stopped and shook his right leg. A huge turd rolled out. He kicked it into the road and walked on.

My DM was shock to say the least!

WitchWay Sun 30-Mar-14 20:21:45

I had a wee in a car park once blush It was at a country show & time to go home, the queue for the ladies' was enormous & I absolutely couldn't wait! I went to the car, in the middle of a huge field of cars, opened both doors on one side & squatted down, just like we used to do when we were kids on a long journey grin I don't think anyone noticed she said hopefully

GodlessWhore Sun 30-Mar-14 20:23:02

Bin lorry with engine idling parked at end of my drive in a little cul de sac. Im going past the window and the driver gets out, oh thinks I, wonder if theres a problem.... driver goes round to front of the lorry, and PEES on the pavement...in front of my house!!! Big steaming puddle of piss. I was like shock then angry .

PirateJones Sun 30-Mar-14 20:24:28

DH wanted me to try and pee in a policemans helmet when I was pregnant, I never got the courage to do it.

itsbetterthanabox Sun 30-Mar-14 20:24:36

When I was a teenager me and some friends saw an older man stand outside the main entrance of a busy shopping centre. He stood still for a minute then shook his leg hard and out fell a massive poo from his trouser leg. He then walked off like nothing had happened while we all screamed!

RevoltingPeasant Sun 30-Mar-14 20:24:53

When we were in our early 20s, my sisters and I kayaked down the pretty decorative stream which ran through the middle of our naice village dressed as otters. I imagine that raised a few eyebrows grin

Also the gynaecologist who asked me to participate in some research she was doing by answering some questions, and then, whilst I watched, wrote completely made up answers on the form - as in, different to what I was telling her - signed it off and popped it into a folder. Blatant falsification of data!

Ohwhatfuckeryisthis Sun 30-Mar-14 20:27:28

krev that's the one. Funny how no one about knew anything about the fly past. (Conspiracy face)

sheepgomeep Sun 30-Mar-14 20:31:54

i saw a Phantom aircraft plane crash in Abingdon during its warm up the day before the main show. i was only ten and with my parents on the adjacent caravan site next to the airfield. I will never forget the impact, the mushroom cloud and the awful silence a split second afterwards before the siren went and the young army firefighters went on scene. Both pilots were killed instantly.

I was waiting in the bus station once and two old men started punching each other and calling each other names. And they carried it on the bus too, bus driver kicked them both off

Groovee Sun 30-Mar-14 20:34:51

Dh and I decided to enjoy the last 6 weeks of my pregnancy. So went out for dinner. Saturday night and we decided to go to TGI Fridays. We were sat in a quiet part with 2 ladies as the next table and a family in the window. It was after 8.30pm and the children were under 5. Mother had drank 2 bottles of wine and started ranting at one of the children who was whining with tiredness. So much so, that the ladies next to us and us were all sat staring as she was being really horrible. I wanted to go over and hug her wee boy as he was tired and wanted to be home in bed. The woman was really horrible. She walked past us on the way out and said "bet you wish you'd not got knock up after witnessing that?!" I retorted with "actually what I've learned is I certainly won't be a mother like you!" Her face went beet root and she stormed out. Her husband just looked mortified.

The women at the next table congratulated me on being assertive but I was awake all night worrying about that wee boy.

Another time was, we were in London. Popped into the apple store and went upstairs, and there was a couple of apple employees at the kids area with some kids. They made space for my 2 while dh was looking about. Next thing 2 police officers had appeared and 2 of the other 3 children started howling. Turned out their parents had dumped them there at 12pm and it was now 2.30pm. The non crying children explained mum and dad had gone shopping!!! Ds shot away as he thought we would be in trouble but a lovely employee explained she knew we were from Scotland and on holiday from school. Felt sorry for the kids as 2 of them were really upset. But I couldn't get over anyone thinking they could use the apple store as a babysitter!!

Ohwhatfuckeryisthis Sun 30-Mar-14 20:37:00

A funny one. Christmas shopping in the Toon with ds and dd. Large sports bar, big group of blokes "gannin ta t'match" in fancy dress as country squires, tweed and plus fours stood outside.A bloke comes up the road, they all fall about laughing, he's wearing (skin colour) undies, boots and a mankini. Stops dead and just goes " you bastards, you utter bastards" obviously been told an incorrect theme. Everyone just cracked up.

skaen Sun 30-Mar-14 20:37:39

Bizarre flight back from Italy: a British woman with several children got in the plane, all talking very loudly about their holiday and his sorry they were to be going home.

Woman grabs the stewardess after the safety briefing and asks why it didn't explain how to use a parachute. The stewardess patiently explains that there are no parachutes in commercial flights. The woman started yelling and howling about how shut the airline was and how everyone would die as a result. She kept this up until mid - france and was absolutely adamant that she had had a parachute on the flight over which was with a 'better quality airline'!!

ListenToTheLady Sun 30-Mar-14 20:42:07

Early days of my relationship with DP, we were lazing around at his flat at the weekend and I went into the toilet and saw the basin filling up with blood! Called DP and we freaked out, looked around and found the kitchen sink was doing the same.

It was the most bizarre few minutes - I was thinking "This is like I am REALLY in a horror film! But that can't be right so it must be a dream! If I look again it will have gone. NOOOO it's still there! SHIIIIIT!" Part of me was also also imagining that one of DP's flatmates or possibly even DP himself must have done and concealed a terrible murder. Then, gradually, the sinks gurgled and the level began to go down again.

Then DP remembered he had put his new, bright red (I know) and frankly el cheapo bedding in the washing machine. Something had gone wrong with the drainage and the outgoing bright red water had backflowed into the sinks.

Even after we worked out what it was, it still looked exactly like blood!

Selks Sun 30-Mar-14 20:43:44

My OMG eyeball bleach moment was glancing out of my upstairs window once a few years ago only to see my elderly next door neighbour hanging out washing in his back garden stark naked wearing only a pink wig and high heels.

I could never look him in the eye again if I bumped into him on the street.

Icelollycraving Sun 30-Mar-14 20:44:23

A colleague was shot by her stalker ex boyfriend. Horrific sad

jellyandcake Sun 30-Mar-14 20:45:57

The other day I was sitting at the back of a busy bus. A middle-aged woman with a pram got on and put the pram in the empty buggy space - fine. But then she asked the elderly man on crutches to move out of the priority seat so she could sit with the pram. He struggled all the way to the back of the bus! I couldn't work out why she didn't stand with the pram as there was plenty of standing room or, if she was unable to stand, why she didn't ask one of the many other seated people who DIDN'T have crutches. I can't believe he moved and that no one nearer the front offered him a seat. I did wonder at the time what MN would make of it!

MyGastIsFlabbered Sun 30-Mar-14 20:47:11

A woman double parked on a busy road which is on a bus route, n

MyGastIsFlabbered Sun 30-Mar-14 20:47:31

*nonchalantly washing her car.

cardamomginger Sun 30-Mar-14 20:48:04

Not really gobsmacking, but it was quite entertaining.

Years ago I did a favour for a friend who was the organiser of a national amateur body building competition. She needed someone to be the judges' statistician (basically collate the marks and derive the final score for each competitor). One woman who was the wife of one of the competitors, who had done particularly badly in his round, stormed up to the judges' table, blind drunk, and started effing and blinding at us - we were all a load of fucking cocksuckers, etc etc. She eventually got dragged off by security. The bit that particularly amused me about the whole thing was that the row of seemingly very butch and very hard bodybuilders who had been sitting in the row behind me and flirting with me, scarpered as soon as she kicked off, only to return as soon as she had been dragged off, full of bravado about how they had all been, literally, on the brink of coming to my aid...

(This may well out me...)

cardamomginger Sun 30-Mar-14 20:52:30

Some hilarious ones here!

Primadonnagirl Sun 30-Mar-14 21:04:23

So many..
A man dressed as a turkey chased me up the high street saying Gobble gobble gobble
A woman walking down the street with a chameleon on her head
A woman on a bus eating a mars bar..but instead of swallowing each bite she spat it into a tissue
Only yesterday, saw a woman walking through town with normal clothes on but a sash and Statue of Liberty headress on and the torch in her hand

Lj8893 Sun 30-Mar-14 21:08:31

Wait.....can you explain the turkey man story?!

Meglet Sun 30-Mar-14 21:11:05

I was at Longleat safari park with my family for the day and Dad was driving through the rhino enclosure. Before you enter there are big warning signs about keeping your windows closed and not getting out of the car. Except in the car in front of us there was a young teen sitting with his bum hanging out of the window and holding onto the roof rack, dukes of hazzard style, while it meandered around the enclosure.

We were shock. The driver didn't seem to attempt to stop the car and haul the kid in, he just kept driving, presumably enjoying the rhinos. It was some time before a ranger caught up with them and got the kid to sit inside the car.

giveadogabonio Sun 30-Mar-14 21:12:11

How do we nominate this thread for classics?

Cheesymonster Sun 30-Mar-14 21:16:40

In an expensive, romantic restaurant on valentines day with DH, a group of pissed people were effing and blinding at the next table, at the top of their voices. One of them proceeded to fall down a flight of stairs and then vomit all over the floor. They had only just arrived and hadn't ordered food yet. The manager did nothing, they were allowed to stay for their meal. DH wrote a scathing review on trip advisor!

Primadonnagirl Sun 30-Mar-14 21:18:08

I really can't! I was just going for the bus ..in broad daylight. He came running at me from nowhere shouting " gobble gobble gobble! I'm a christmas turkey!" I ran like the wind and when I got to the bus stop he ran off.

ThePrisonerOfAzkaban Sun 30-Mar-14 21:20:40

I was once shopping in tescos, walked down the frozen Isle and there was a man with his jeans pulled down shagging a frozen turkey, he even opened the bag. I walked back the way I came a went to seek a member of staff, a few moments later I saw the bloke being dragged away by security he was shouting "Joanne, Joanne I was only doing Joanne!" I always wondered what Joanne looked like having been mistaken for a frozen turkey!

VoyageDeVerity Sun 30-Mar-14 21:22:21

PMSL @ joanne

GobbySadcase Sun 30-Mar-14 21:23:38

Some guy chased us up the high street absolutely convinced DH was Jesus (he does have long hair and a beard). Like, utterly convinced. Not taking the piss. We had to leg it and seek refuge in Starbucks.

ListenToTheLady Sun 30-Mar-14 21:25:53

Rofl at "he even opened the bag"! grin

Shagging a frozen turkey can't be very comfortable!

GarlicMarchHare Sun 30-Mar-14 21:26:08

Once upon a time, long, long ago ... in Middlesbrough. (I have to give the location, so Boro' readers know what I'm on about.) We used to go drinking 'over the border', as the booze was a lot cheaper. So were the prostitutes. One of them, a right character of very advanced years, was a regular in our favourite bar. She used to perform impromptu cabarets (drunk & badly) standing on one of the tables. The first time we met her, she offered my boyfriend 'a go' for £6. Then she noticed me right next to him, apologised, and became my best mate. She said she'd show me something special if I bought her a drink, so I did. She hoiked one leg up on the table, shifted her skirt - she wasn't wearing knickers - and invited me to inspect the cascade of polyps blossoming from her vagina. Each one was a different colour - as she explained, she painted them with nail varnish.

confused

Primadonnagirl Sun 30-Mar-14 21:28:39

Garlic..you win!!!!

CrystalJelly Sun 30-Mar-14 21:32:41

When I was doing my Access course there was one guy on it who was a little bit eccentric. During one lesson I'll never forget he sat there and farted all the way through it, we are talking the really loud gut busting types and with each one he lifted his arse cheek off the chair. He made no attempt to hide it or apologise and nome of us knew where to look. In the end the tutor had to ask him to leave the class as it was distracting everyone.

Sparklingbrook Sun 30-Mar-14 21:32:48

Garlic that is just, well, um just wrong. Eww. Etc....

AwfulMaureen Sun 30-Mar-14 21:35:35

The man in a hospital gown...open at the back...running for the bus in Camberwell.

It was as if he'd just leaped off the operating table! He was naked but for the gown...and the bus was one of the old ones, open backed...and on he leaped as the bus trundled off.

BlackeyedSusan Sun 30-Mar-14 21:35:37

Ohwhatfuckeryisthis it definitely made it into the papers in scarborough if it was the one that happend about... 30 years ago.

melonribena Sun 30-Mar-14 21:36:31

I went on a church outing at about the age of 12 to a local zoo. My friends and I were wandering through the monkey bit when a little monkey pushed himself up against the glass and started wiggling about. He had a rather large erection!

We started giggling in an embarrassed way when a lady standing nearby spoke loudly to her children who were slightly younger than us, that they were leaving because we were 'encouraging' it!

BertieBotts Sun 30-Mar-14 21:36:54

MissMarples That sounds very much like something that happened about ten years ago in the sleepy market town where I grew up, fairly close to the police station too. I remember because I was in my GCSE year at the time and some twats we were stuck in a drama group went on and on and on about the incident (which they'd heard about among the thug grapevine, I deduced angry) - it was awful and made me feel sick and very upset just hearing about it. I wonder if it was the same one sad

Lj8893 Sun 30-Mar-14 21:37:12

garlic shock

GarlicMarchHare Sun 30-Mar-14 21:38:22

Same location, different pub: this story's thought to be apocryphal, but it happened - I was there. A small group of unusually fit, clean & healthy men came in, wearing Navy-type sweaters. They ordered beer. The one who seemed to be the leader sat in a chair near the door, which as all the regulars knew, 'belonged' to a cross & hard-drinking chap who practically lived in there. He stormed over - someone quickly told the visitor it was 'his' chair and, politely, the visitor stood up. At this point, Cross Bloke was practically in his face, bellowing "Who the fuck do you think you are?"

The visitor replied, "I'm the Crown Prince of Denmark, pleased to meet you."

Cross Bloke riposted "Aye, and I'm the Queen Mother!" and nutted him.

As his helpers picked the semi-conscious visitor up off the floor, they courteously explained that he was, indeed, the prince of Denmark and they thought they should get him back to their ship for medical attention.

dawntigga Sun 30-Mar-14 21:39:10

ImAThrillseekerHoney I follow her on Twitter, she's ace.

WishesIHadTheNerveSheDoesTiggaxx

ShinyTurd Sun 30-Mar-14 21:40:15

On the way home from Spain last year coming through customs I saw a man wearing 6 sombreo's.

When I was about 13, we were driving along a country lane and at the side of the road was a young guy naked apart from his pants tied by his ankles and wrists. I got out, untied him and he ran off.

A man was walking along the high street wearing a mankini in broad daylight.

GarlicMarchHare Sun 30-Mar-14 21:40:33

grin Middlesbrough in those days was a constant source of 'events' grin

GarlicMarchHare Sun 30-Mar-14 21:42:15

Primadonna - Where on earth do you live? It sounds ... interesting!

Lj8893 Sun 30-Mar-14 21:44:10

I am fascinated by the Christmas turkey.

BertieBotts Sun 30-Mar-14 21:47:26

You untied him Shiny? At 13?? What did your parents say? grin

TakemedowntoPotatoCity Sun 30-Mar-14 21:47:39

I saw a car flip over right in front of me once, while I was walking on the pavement.

Like when the twin towers were hit, I bizarrely remember not believing it, like it was a joke or a stunt.

GarlicMarchHare Sun 30-Mar-14 21:47:51

I am fascinated by the Christmas turkey.

Which one? The gobbling racer or the frozen one known as Joanne?

Turkeys everywhere ...

Lj8893 Sun 30-Mar-14 21:50:39

Both!!! grin

AlpacaPicnic Sun 30-Mar-14 21:51:54

<rubs hands with glee>

I knew this would be a great idea for a thread... Everyone's got a story!

But so many sad stories as well as funny ones.

Ploppy16 Sun 30-Mar-14 22:00:24

Driving back home over the moors a couple of years ago on Bonfire night, pitch dark,weather was awful, it was foggy and we were going really slowly. Out of the fog on the side of the road appeared a dozen or so Druids. Long white robes, the guy in front had a long staff and frankly looked like Gandalf. They appeared to be making their way to a pub on the tops for a nice pint but I almost wet meself...

I was once part of someone else's OMG moment when I helped carry part of a 15 ft giant paper mâché man through a busy city centre. A foot to be precise. We got a few funny looks...

Choosenone, I worked in that bar in that Bowling Alley and she was a regular! Along with Birdman....

Twas always a night to remember!

Giraffeski Sun 30-Mar-14 22:03:09

Was this the turkey man?grin

Hoppinggreen Sun 30-Mar-14 22:03:46

Not funny at all but I saw something I was pretty shocked at yesterday.
A woman with a baby in a sling at the front kangaroo style smoking a fag!
She was turning her face slightly to the side to exhale to be fair.
Definitely judgey pants moment .

ThePrisonerOfAzkaban Sun 30-Mar-14 22:05:01

No it wasn't but imagine a turkey man doing a frozen turkey in tescos!

letsgomaths Sun 30-Mar-14 22:05:04

In a zoo in Paris: lion and lioness in an enclosure, which was raised about three feet off the ground, with a sort of moat in front.

The lion decided he was fed up with being watched, so he turned his back on the crowd... and shot a long jet of urine straight at everybody! People pulled their pushchairs back in horror.

Giraffeski Sun 30-Mar-14 22:07:54

Letsgo- this may out me but as a small child I was urinated on by a tiger at the zoo in a similar fashion.
The journey home in the car with me wasn't too pleasant I am told, and it took days to get rid of the smell!

Parsley2506 Sun 30-Mar-14 22:08:16

Another poo one, (who'd have thought there were so many public poo-ers around?)

Spotted chap with his trews around his knees sort of half stood but bent at the waist doing an enormous shit just outside Ping Pong restaurant on the South Bank in London. Put me right off my steamed dumplings that did....

Oh, and a man walking his chameleon in Alton. Only spotted him when it tried to run away from him and he pegged it after it. Have you ever seen a chameleon run? Funniest thing I've ever seen! Just needed the Benny Hill theme....

Parsley2506 Sun 30-Mar-14 22:09:26

Ach, I meant Iguana! Not chameleon....

Giraffeski Sun 30-Mar-14 22:10:19

I did see someone driving down the dual carriageway while straightening her hair with a cordless straightening iron.
I nearly crashed as I did a double take!

LisaMed Sun 30-Mar-14 22:10:25

I used to vaguely know a lad who walked around with a dead fox on his head.

Lj8893 Sun 30-Mar-14 22:11:07

Oh god I remember one, I was quite young at the time.

Went to monkey world with my mum and we were looking at the capuchin (sp?) monkeys, one of them was transfixed on my mum, and came right up to the window and kept sticking his tongue out at her. She was laughing at him and talking to him when we suddenly realised he was rather aroused!

I've never let my mum forget that she turned a monkey on.

Think I posted this here at the time, can't remember for sure.

Gone out for a walk in winter (think it was last year). Walking along the coastal path, very wide concrete path, steps lead down all the way along the path to the beach, maybe 20 feet down. (google Cleveleys, Lancashire).

Ahead of us saw a couple, a pram and a little boy. Boy had fallen over so theyd stopped to see to him. The strong wind caught the pram and it started rolling toward steps. From the distance we were away I couldnt tell if the boy had been in the pram or if it was a baby pram IYSWIM. Started to shout to the parents but it was so windy they couldn't hear. Started to run and as I got closer I saw it was a tiny babys pram with car seat thing. The pram must have been just a few seconds from going down the steps, literally wheels inches away, before the dad saw/heard me running and screaming and he FLEW to grab pram. Few week old baby girl inside.

Kudzugirl Sun 30-Mar-14 22:14:04

Not sure if it compares to some of these but we slowly approached and subsequently pulled up at a junction today and saw a woman from the houses opposite run back off the embankment with a big handful of daffodils she had pinched from it. The flowers were planted along the perimeter of a house on a bank shock. Clearly some Mother got a lovely bunch of Mothers Day flowers from the biggest thieving cheapskate of a daughter going...

Merefin Sun 30-Mar-14 22:14:52

On a family outing to the beach...spring day everyone walking along all lovely. A man approaches...from a distance he looks like a very big built chap, as he gets closer we can see he's actually very slightly built but has no top on and a massive python wrapped around him! Round his middle and up around his neck.

He walks past like this is entirely normal. Snake looks out to sea, all philosophical like. Bizarre.

GarlicMarchHare Sun 30-Mar-14 22:15:17

Gosh, Glitter! I was holding my breath there. Glad he caught it!

chosenone Sun 30-Mar-14 22:19:18

Omg bighairy ...she did it regularly ?? I wondered why most people didn't seem as shocked as me !!! Do tell usabout bjrdman ?

It was like something out of a film. The mum was in floods and I wasn't far off.

NeverKnowinglyUnderstood Sun 30-Mar-14 22:25:24

certainly didn't feel funny at the time but the only time I have ever actually wet myself with fear.
went out for a drink with friend who was a bit of a slapper.
she was dating 2 men at the same time as she couldn't make her mind up.
she had been engagement ring shopping with both of them

so the friday night we went out and they accidentaly met each other was fucking horrid. instead of coming to the conclusion that she was a slapper they decided to fight each other for her.
Proper punching seven bells out of each other in the middle of the street with my friend screeching at them like something out of a soap opera.

I was SO frightened for each of the men who IMO had done nothing wrong aside from having a relationship with my friend.

SaggyAndLucy Sun 30-Mar-14 22:34:37

I was driving down our local dual carriageway, (main access to quite a large sea port) as a passenger in DPs car. I was fiddling with the radio when dp says "you'll be wanting me to stop then?"...
I looked up in confusion to see a horse in full tack galloping full pelt towards us, into the oncoming traffic. shock shock shock
He did stop, I got out and stopped several large trucks then leapt into the car of a complete stranger who skidded to a halt and shouted "GET IN, WE'LL FOLLOW IT!"
The horse survived and was returned home safely. It took me some time to recover! confused

From working in London for the BTP, I vividly remember the man with a phone fetish (before mobiles) who had a 'thing' for sexing up the phones at Kings Cross! He was a sneaky fucker, it was the crowd that gave him away <boak>

LadyMetroland Sun 30-Mar-14 22:45:43

On a bus in south London

Bus stops to let on lady with a toddler and pushchair. The lady gets on first and the child is still on the pavement when the driver shuts the doors and drives off leaving the toddler wailing at the bus stop. EVERYONE starts yelling stop - the bus is only going slowly luckily - and eventually the driver takes notice and stops. Woman gets off and rushes back to collect child and then walks back to the waiting bus and berates the driver. I think she was fairly restrained, then she sits down with kid on her knee.

The driver then takes umbrage at being spoken to like that and says he's not driving the bus any further til the lady gets off. Even though he was 100% in the wrong for being so careless. We sit there for about 20 minutes while different passengers take it in turns to try and talk him down and convince him to carry on driving. Eventually he agrees and we crawl off at snails pace with driver muttering under his breath the whole time!

Its0kToBeMe Sun 30-Mar-14 22:46:58

Animals Sorry that happened to you. sad

notjustamummythankyou Sun 30-Mar-14 22:47:38

My sister and I had an appointment to view a house for sale. The owner was supposed to be doing the show round.

We knocked for what seemed ages before a woman came round the side of the house and silently beckoned us inside. All the curtains were closed and the glazed front door had a blanket covering it so the hall was practically dark on a sunny June afternoon.

We went into the living room and two teenagers were sitting motionless watching TV with the sound turned off. They didnt even look up as we went in.

I've never been round a house so quickly, and when we came to leave we couldn't find anyone. We just let ourselves back out and scarpered!

steppemum Sun 30-Mar-14 22:49:40

The 'blood' in the sink one has reminded me

Friends of ours lived overseas, can't remember which country. They lived on 2 or 3 floor of block of flats, about 5 flats high.
They were having a problem with the drains, not draining away, loo not flushing, filling up and slow to empty. Then they started to get blood in the sink and toilet, and flooding out onto the floor. There was blood and guts and bits of flesh bubbling up and out of the loo.

They banged on neighbour's door, and they were having the same problem. They all went upstairs, knocking on doors as they went.

Got to the top floor and discovered that the guy in the top flat had started a temporary business slaughtering sheep for Eid. Great demand for slaughtering as many people buy a live sheep and want it slaughtered.

He didn't know what to do with the blood and guts and bits not required by his customers, so he was flushing them down the loo, and had blocked the whole system.

Parsley2506 Sun 30-Mar-14 22:53:07

tapir I get the feeling you mean that last sentence quite literally....

Lj8893 Sun 30-Mar-14 22:54:17

steppemum I feel sick now. That's vile!

ShredMeJillianIWantToBeNatalie Sun 30-Mar-14 22:55:05

One of my colleagues had to attend an inquest as a witness but was very cagey about why, despite seeming very upset about it. He kept saying he didn't want to upset anyone else. A few weeks later we were out for drinks and he told us very tearfully that he had seen a man in the street hit by a falling pane of glass and beheaded.

On a lighter note, I came out of the gym once and saw a woman attempting to park her car in a space next to a sort of wooden bin shelter. As she turned the steering wheel she was repeatedly scraping the side of the car against the wooden fencing and corner post and it was making the most awful screeching noise. She was clearly upset so I went over and tried to tell her she was turning the wheel the wrong way, but every time I tried to tell her she turned it further the wrong way. I ended up leaning in through the window and turning the wheel for her. When she got out of the car we inspected the damage which was pretty bad. One of the crèche assistants came out and voiced the opinion that the deep gouges in the side of the car would no doubt "polish out" and we both nodded vigourously hmm.

kitcat83 Sun 30-Mar-14 22:55:25

Bloody hell shock

ShredMeJillianIWantToBeNatalie Sun 30-Mar-14 22:55:45

Also saw a completely naked man strolling along a street in Barcelona. Nobody seemed very bothered.

starsandunicorns Sun 30-Mar-14 22:58:39

Growing up I lived near a supermarket so lots of times as a young teen was called to rush to get veg etc one day walked to shop had to go through a snicket of one house pavement then a fence the front door of this opended and a man stood naked wanking himself off then walked in the middle of pavement while wanking !! Used to give me jibbers going pass there for ages to the piont I ran fast each time after and never looked at the house

ImRonBurgandy Sun 30-Mar-14 22:58:41

I work very close to St James park (London not Newcastle!). I often eat my lunch on a bench looking at the lake with all the tourists.
One day a tourist was feeding her sandwich to the pigeons and ducks. A pelican waddled up and watched for a minute (that's not the weird bit, they live there). She fed another bit of sandwich to a pigeon and the pelican ATE the pigeon!

MummyDuckAndDuckling Sun 30-Mar-14 23:00:10

Couple having sex in the water on a beach in Greece. Water was only just up to their hips and it was very obvious what they were doing, esp as she was holding her bikini bottoms in her hands when he went at her from behind shock

cafecito Sun 30-Mar-14 23:01:32

AwfulMaureen - I lived in Camberwell once many moons ago - I saw the craziest things along Denmark hill to Camberwell green and coldharbour lane - the number of times I had to call the police for the very bizarrest of reasons (!)

ShredMeJillianIWantToBeNatalie Sun 30-Mar-14 23:03:03

Oh my BIL told me a great one.

He's a police officer and once went to interview a family - it was a hot summer afternoon and the door of the family home was open.

They sat in the living room talking, and he saw a large Alsatian dog enter the room, sniff and circle round, and then it crouched and shat on the floor.

BIL looked at the family, they looked back at him. Nobody said anything, so he continued the interview thinking bloody hell, that's a bit gross, then made his way to the front door.

As he was about to leave, the interviewee said hesitantly "aren't you going to clear up the mess your dog left?"

They had assumed it was a police dog.

steppemum Sun 30-Mar-14 23:05:46

shred - that is hysterical!

AwfulMaureen Sun 30-Mar-14 23:06:27

Cafecito did you!? grin I lived there in the late 90s and early 00s....in a high rise council flat which I had as a drama student. It was very easy to get council flats still at that time...there was a special scheme whereby if you left your home town (up North in my case) to work in London, they housed you!

It was the shittiest block but I have excellent memories of the place. I lived quite close to Camberwell Green...I love how it sounds like the tiny village it once was...and became such a crazed den of iniquity!

chrome100 Sun 30-Mar-14 23:06:45

A student on my street commutes on an enormous unicycle. When seated he's twice the height of a car. It's very bizarre to watch but he has great skills!

AwfulMaureen Sun 30-Mar-14 23:07:47

RonBurgandy shock No! That's terrible! I never knew Pelicans were like that! I once saw a swan gulp down a baby duck...it was awful!

TheCunnyFuntIsGettingMarried Sun 30-Mar-14 23:07:58

Marking place as I have some but can't think of any right now!

I saw someone doing a poo on my way to the tube one morning, about 7.30am. He was leaning against a tree like it was loo - with masses of people in clapham just waking in by ignoring / trying to ignore.

My most surreal London moment was on the central line - coming back from a meeting at about 3pm and heading into Bank. A man in a full gimp outfit came onto nearly empty carriage with the ball in his mouth, face covered in a mask. Just stood next to me, while I sat in my city work stuff, mid afternoon.

Me and the city guy sat opposite meon the the tube caught eyes and just raised eyebrows imperceptibly (so British) and carried on reading The Metro as Mr Gimp stood there with tight all over PVC suit on. I was sure it had to be a spoof TV show. If it was, I never saw it. I didn't even laugh though was desperate to. He got off after 2 stops, creaking plastic as he walked (no shoes, all in one PVC)

Parsley Oh I do, very much so. grin <boak>

GarlicMarchHare Sun 30-Mar-14 23:11:51

I saw the craziest things along Denmark Hill - Oh, yes, cafecito! One afternoon I was having a driving lesson there, when I was distracted by a fifty-something woman, not in good shape, walking up the hill wearing nothing but a pair of stilettoes. After the instructor had saved us from crashing, he said "Oh, she's often here; you'll have to get used to things like that."

cafecito Sun 30-Mar-14 23:11:52

indeed, a road behind KCH.. it has its charms in a peculiar way.. it was especially fun being run over by the escapee on the skateboard with no legs and playing follow the arterial spurt every Friday/Saturday night.. either led to A&E or to a body confused some bits are nice... ish.. but yes.. quaint village no more grin

pictish Sun 30-Mar-14 23:13:42

My friend and I once sat on the stairs in a pub above a group who were celebrating one bloke's 21st birthday. He was very very drunk indeed, and they had him standing on the table downing a pint in a oner. He drained the glass while his mates cheered...then for reasons only known to himself, he decided to whip his pants and jeans down to his ankles and dangle his todger about, shouting loudly. He went round and round on the spot making sure everyone got and eyeful of cock and balls, before very suddenly turning a remarkable shade of pale green and vomiting copiously down on himself, the table, his mates and his girlfriend, bare arse and genetalia out for all to see.
Fantastic!

Another. On a camping trip with friends and kids, out in the wilds of Scotland. An elderly couple turn up and pitch a wee tent not far from us in the evening. Come the next morning we are drinking coffee and chatting while the kids play on the river bank. The old man walks through our group to a rock jutting over the river, removes every scrap of clothing and his glasses, dives in and takes a wee skinny dip to himself, while we politely avert our eyes and raise our eyebrows at one another. Then he gets out again in all his glory, shakes out a towel and gives himself a quick rub down before getting dressed again and padding back to his tent with a friendly nod and a 'beautiful morning!' to us on the way past.
We all chorused 'yes it is!' and 'uh huh' and watched him walk off, wondering if that had actually just happened.

Another quick one. My friend used to work in a local pub and would open up in the mornings at 11am. I would occasionally pop in to drink a coffee and read the paper while having a chat with her. There was always an old gadgie in there first thing, known to everyone as Ugly Jim, on account of his grossly carbunkled face. He was a nice enough man, but in truth, not very pleasant to look at.
Anyway on this particular morning he ordered his usual half and a half which is a half pint with a spirit chaser. He downed his half pint quickly and raised his whisky to his lips, only to have an unexpected wee boke up in his glass. We watched in horror as he took the glass away from his mouth, eyed it contemplatively, then gave it a quick swirl before downing it in one.
O. M. G.
I couldn't get the image out of my mind, and for about three days I gagged every time I remembered it.

TheHamster Sun 30-Mar-14 23:13:47

I got chased by a man dressed as a banana. confused I was with my friends and I literally dived into the Tesco express and he followed, meaning security took him off. The way he ran was funny, now I look back at it, as it was a kind of quick, stiff stumble.

cafecito Sun 30-Mar-14 23:15:57

lovely stuff Garlic! I had a prostitute follow me home and start licking my window I wasn't sure if I should be offended, suspicious or let it blend into the other craziness

TheHamster Sun 30-Mar-14 23:16:42

And once, someone was walking their pet pygmy goat in our local park. My friend stopped and asked the lady who owned it about it, and we were invited to pet it. It was so small, and played with balls like a dog.

TheCunnyFuntIsGettingMarried Sun 30-Mar-14 23:18:45

Oh wait, yes I can! Skiing trip with school to Bulgaria 9 years ago, so when I was 13. We were on the slopes one day and this guy came skiing past our group, wearing a warm woolly hat, cosy looking gloves, thick socks (you could see them poking up above the tops of his boots) and a pair of speedos grin

The night we left Bulgaria, we were all piled on the coach in the middle of the night when we came to a road block. The coach stopped and two men dressed all in black, with balaclavas on, wearing big guns got on and walked up and down the coach. We could see another car in front of us which more of these men were searching and had the driver of this car bent over the bonnet in handcuffs shock never did find out why or who those men were...

Madratlady Sun 30-Mar-14 23:23:18

Arriving in Manchester to unload my stuff and move into uni halls, we had trouble getting to the right place because the road was closed for an event. Turns out that event was a naked bike ride and shortly after we parked hundreds of people cycled past starkers!

And a slightly horrible one: standing on the platform waiting for the tube, suddenly hear a sickening crunch and a scream, a young woman had fallen between the train and platform, she was wedged with her bottom and upper body sticking out between train and platform. Everyone screamed and ran off the platform except me and another woman who went to see if we could help (although I wasn't a lot of use as I was so shocked). Obviously I don't know the outcome, I left as the emergency services arrived but I imagine the woman probably recovered eventually.

ImRonBurgandy Sun 30-Mar-14 23:26:52

AwfulMaureen I can't comment for all pelicans but this one certainly enjoyed the pigeon!

A few weeks ago on the northern line, a woman sitting opposite me was quietly eating a croissant. She had a bag but I didn't know what was in it. At the next stop a man got on and sat next to her. Straight away he said "have you got any more of those?". She nodded, smiled and gave him one from the bag! Any normal person would have told him to bugger off right? He wandered down the carriage stuffing his face (she didn't even catch anyone's eye to say wtf?!) and sat down next to someone else. When he had finished he came back and she gave him another one. Very weird.

YNK Sun 30-Mar-14 23:27:09

5.30 pm,winter night so pitch black, I saw a boy about 7/8 running down a hill towards the youth club.
To my horror he ran out in front of a mini which hit him from behind (didn't stop)!
As I stood frozen in horror I watched him roll backwards over the bonnet and hit the ground still running, stunt man style!
Me and 2 other women stopped him to check he was ok (he said he was!). One of the women took him home as she knew where he lived.
I met her a week later and she told me the mum sent him straight back to the youth club as she was going to bingo!!!! shock

garlic DH worked at Morgan Stanley then and it was shit scary! we lived on the island too and it was very freaky for a while.

Mine is seeing a man running for the tube at Embankment with a child in a backpack holder thing, he jumped onto the train as it was shutting its doors and the child banged it's head on the top of the door frame and the doors shut on the back pack. A proper horror shock moment. He managed to get the child in and then the train pulled off, it has never left me sad.

Oh and I have a pooing one too.
I saw a tramp running down the street, it was dark but he was under a street light. He stopped running, pulled his trousers down and pooed a horrible, grim diarrhoea poo and then pulled his pants up and carried on running.... shock

When I was about 14 I was in a local shopping centre with my mum and mums friend with her kids. Her youngest son was about 2/3 at the time and was messing around at the bottom of the old clunky upwards escalator when his coat caught on the moving hand rail and dragged him up the outside of the escalator! He fell down (about 15-20ft) once he reached the top and landed in a heap on the floor! He got up crying while mums friend strolled over to him, smacked his arse and shouted at him while me and mum stood there in shock! shockshock all she went on about was how naughty he was for playing by the escalator! Not once did she ask him if he was hurt! Even when bystanders asked if he was ok she waved them off! Awful woman!

JoInScotland Sun 30-Mar-14 23:47:44

I've lived in several different countries so have lots of stories, but the only one I can think of right now is from when I lived in Dundee about a decade ago. I was a postgraduate student, renting a second-floor flat with just my cat for company. One night, about 2 or 3 am, I heard a terrible noise outside, like strangled barking. I dashed to my bedroom window, which overlooked a little grassy park, and saw... a man who had thrown his dog's lead over a branch about 6 feet from the ground and was pulling up on his end so the dog was strangling! It was dark, there wasn't much moon or light on the park and I couldn't believe what I was seeing. It just seemed so intensely crazy and cruel, and it was obvious from where I was standing which flat I lived in.... so I didn't want to shout out and anger the nutter, but I stood and watched at the window and made sure he saw me. He shouted something about how his dog was an idiot and he was teaching it a lesson, but did let it down from the tree, and went off AS IF NOTHING HAD HAPPENED. It really shook me up.

JoInScotland Sun 30-Mar-14 23:51:39

Oh, thought of another one. I used to live in Juneau, Alaska many moons ago and one day, early on a bright but cold sunny Saturday, I was sitting in a bus shelter waiting for the 8 or 9am bus (can't remember). It was a lovely bus shelter, made from big rocks and cement, and with a nice wooden bench. I was just enjoying the feeble spring sunshine and admiring the day when a drunk man staggered into the bus shelter, surveyed the scene, noticed me, then proceeded to have an enormous piss against the wall inside the bus shelter. Then staggered off.

A friend of mine came along a few minutes later (Russian). He asked what the large pool of liquid was. When I told him in English, he looked dumbfounded. I explained in Russian just to make sure I'd explained properly. He had clearly never seen anything like it in broad daylight, in front of a woman no less, but alas by that time I had seen many very drunk people on the streets in broad daylight in Juneau and wasn't as shocked.

pictish Sun 30-Mar-14 23:54:33

Oooh that reminds me of one when my mum was in hospital. I was visiting and the lady across had her daughter and her family in. The dh was an awful, loud parenty type and mum gave me the 'what a knob' look while I did the 'god I know' face back.
He was throwing his baby up in the air rather vigourously in that look-at-me-I'm-a-great-dad way that is so annoying, when one especially jolly toss resulted in the baby's head making resounding contact with the curtain rail above his mil's bed...clunk! He looked around to see who had noticed, and it shames me to admit that we were doing a very poor job of containing our amusement. He glared at us for the entirety of the rest of the visit.
The baby was fine btw. No thanks to superdad.

PhoneSexWithMalcolmTucker Sun 30-Mar-14 23:58:10

A boy of about ten, strolling across Blackheath with an enormous owl perched on his arm, as if nothing could be more usual.

Going to visit now-DH after work, I got to Waterloo at about 5.30pm to see two fifty something couples on their way back from Ascot, utterly utterly shitfaced - they were all done up to the nines in pastel feathery hats and dress suits, staggering about and puking all over the concourse. I have rarely seen anyone so drunk.

andsmile Sun 30-Mar-14 23:59:43

This was a few years ago, it was myOMG drawdrop moment purelybecause I had never encountered such like before in such a way:

Two women arguing over who was first at the checkout. The member of staff said and did nothing (silly, surely she could have got security or summit), they went through.

I followed got my shopping packed and as I left I saw the older lady standing, I went to sympathise with her as i thought the other women was quite agressive intimidating. She replied " well them type always are, arent they they think because they are coloured they can get away with it"

I geuninely was gobsmacked. After I felt very bad for not saying something and then quite upset. My DH is 'coloured' and I felt silly for not calling her racist bigot.

It is one of few regrets I have.

Waiting on Waterloo concourse at silly o'clock in the morning for the first train home after an all nighter we saw a chap driving one of the station cleaning vehicles resplendent in a top hat. It was the Sunday morning after Ascot week so he must have found it abandoned. He looked very pleased with himself, high vis jacket, woolly beany hat set off by a grey topper.

Jbck Mon 31-Mar-14 00:15:52

Waiting to cross Ingram St in Glasgow on a busy Saturday around 5ish when I was about 15.
A wedding car hit a man on a motorbike, chaffeur, groom and best man all jump out to help the guy who is screaming in agony. His leg was perpendicular to the rest of him from about mid way down his thigh, I looked away quickly as it was an awful sight. Groom was hysterical and BM was trying to calm him as chauffeur knelt down beside biker.
My friend grabbed my hand to run across the road as we had to get to the bus station and were runnng late. Lots of grown ups had stopped to help.
30 odd years later, I have always wondered if he was okay, looked a terrible injury and did the couple get married?

FrankSpenser Mon 31-Mar-14 00:17:37

Tapir - I don't get yours? The crowd gave him away?

Dappydongle Mon 31-Mar-14 00:33:59

Seaside town, little girl, about 3 walking down the middle of the road no carer to be seen. I grab her hand and lead her out of the road. We ask little girl where her parent is and she says ice cream. Granny is at ice cream van 5m down the road, and just says "I wondered where she was" when we took her back.

Frank

The crowd of people watching him sex up a public telephone...

Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme Mon 31-Mar-14 01:00:36

I saw a plane fall into the sea once too. Lowestoft air festival about twelve years ago or so. Harrier jump jet hovering a few feet above the sea, pilot accidently stalls it. Was just this really surreal moment of the plane suddenly going quiet, a pilot popping out with a parachute and the plane dropping like a stone into the water. You could actually hear an enormous collective gasp from the hundreds of people watching.

Utterly bizarre. The pilot broke an ankle because he landed on the wing of the plane. The plane was something like a ten million pound write off!

Whoops

MoominsYonisAreScary Mon 31-Mar-14 01:09:38

Bloody hell thats mad!

Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme Mon 31-Mar-14 01:11:00

I know! The stunned silence was eerie.

That poor pilot never lived that one down did he? grin

TraceyTrickster Mon 31-Mar-14 01:13:23

I was buying a house.
EA had to write to owner to tell her of viewing as she had no phone and would not otherwise answer the door. So we were expected with a week's notice.

So nice little street in Morden South. Owner opened the door and the place was stacked floor to ceiling with filled black bin bags. It stunk as she had never put her rubbish out. The garden was filled, as were all the rooms, but luckily the kitchen and hall had a path down the middle to walk through. Mould was on the ceiling

All the rooms 'were basically the same' but could not be accessed due to number of bin bags all over the 3 bed house.

The EA said it had 'character' and wanted to know if I wanted to put an offer in!

RealAleOpenFiresandSteamTrains Mon 31-Mar-14 01:45:25

Maybe the Jet was meant to re-fuel/feed exhausted Bridlington Gullimots Penguins

ipswichwitch Mon 31-Mar-14 04:02:33

A man on the metro in Athens screaming at the top of his voice (something about Jesus according to my Greek friend) while stubbing out lit cigarrettes on his bare chest. The scars suggested that was a regular occurrence.

whojamaflip Mon 31-Mar-14 06:34:28

Talking outside the barn in the middle if our tiny village (about 20 houses) and this guy walks passed wearing nothing but his boots, rucksack and a hat! We looked at each other and thought wtf!

Saw him on the news later that evening after he had been arrested. shock I think he was known as the Naked Rambler.

StillNoFuckingEyeDeer Mon 31-Mar-14 06:38:02

I was at the airport and went to use the toilets. There a strong smell of poo in the room. As I came out of my cubicle, a lady came out of one of the other cubicles and I could see poo smeared all over the floor. It looked like she'd shat herself - her jeans were covered in poo too. She walked straight out without washing her hands.

StillNoFuckingEyeDeer Mon 31-Mar-14 06:45:01

One night I was at work and I heard quite a bit of noise coming from outside. I went to the window and looked down to the street outside where I could see two young women, on the pavement, masterbating and then giving each other oral sex. They were at it for ages. shock

sashh Mon 31-Mar-14 06:49:18

At a poshish restaurant in Bristol.

Two nicely dressed ladies come in with two smartly dressed small children.

They order food and drinks then the little boy who looked about 4 got under the table, put his hands behind his back and round the table leg then called out, "Mummy, can you tie me up now?" One of the women just said, "not now dear" and carried on her conversation with the other woman.

JanePlanet Mon 31-Mar-14 07:02:34

Another bus related one - on a packed bus about one in the afternoon and two drunk teenage girls get on. They both sat at the back. One of them keeps saying about how she couldn't hold it in anymore - next thing there is a river of piss flowing down the bus. Urgh. Still makes me shudder.

Euphemia Mon 31-Mar-14 07:06:16

They were at it for ages.

Sorry, but that's funnier than your actual story! grin

AllFurCoat Mon 31-Mar-14 08:25:38

Oh god, just remembered mine and it's another poo one! I was standing outside a shop on Market st in Manchester waiting for a friend as I was eating one of those lovely toffee ice creams from thorntons. Man walks past, White shorts and shit all down his legs! Exactly the same colour as my ice cream, which promptly went in the bin and I e not touched one since! It baffled me though as there's so many quiet back streets and I'll never know why je didn't walk down them!

Snatchoo Mon 31-Mar-14 08:30:44

People are so minging!

Koothrapanties Mon 31-Mar-14 08:42:14

Oooh iv remebered one! When I was a teenager, a groupof friends and I went to a pavillion on Southend sea front to smoke weed and drink hang out. It was open at the front and had a row of seats along the back wall so you could look out at the sea. It was about 10pm. A man in a suit and a woman walked in and sat down a few seats along from us. We heard them negotiating a price and he handed over money. She promptly got down on her knees and started giving him a blow job right in front of us. We didn't know where to look.

When they had finished, he did up his trousers, they both stood up and walked in different directions out of the pavillion without a word. We sat there speechless. They couldn't have been more than 2 meters away the whole time.

vichill Mon 31-Mar-14 08:49:38

sometimes im guilty of swigging an as yet unbought beverage around a supermarket.
I saw this taken to a new level when spotted a Jim Rolye lookalike walking around Morrisons squirting squirty cream directly into his mouth and then put it back on a shelf.

cheeseandpineapple Mon 31-Mar-14 09:13:44

Vichill that is vile, fortunately am not a fan of squirty cream anyway!

Years ago, in my 20's, getting last tube home from London on the Piccadilly line, it was pretty packed, in the days when part of the tube had double seats which faced each other. I was sitting on one of the double seats. A couple came and sat down opposite me. Both looked like they'd had one too many. She says in a very loud voice, "wonder how many pakis on the tube today" and then looks round the carriage and proceeds to count, "1,2,3," pauses, looks at me and says "4".

I am completely gob smacked and in total shock and for a moment can't say anything. The bloke she's with tells her to be quiet and gives her a paper to read. She holds the paper open so it's covering her and she's muttering to him not to tell her to be quiet. I learn forward pull the paper down so I can see her face and all I can think to say is "what's your problem?".

I'm shaking with rage and shock at this point and she starts howling and saying "leave me alone". The bloke gets up to move away as if he's had enough of her and then she moves away too.

I remember getting off the tube later at my stop and just being so angry and wishing I had pulled the emergency cord so this woman could have been taken off the tube but the disruption that would have caused would have been tough on the rest of the passengers.

Used to have quite a few tube tales from when I lived in London, fortunately most of them positive. Another time, had split up from my first serious boyfriend, was feeling pretty down, waiting on the tube platform, this guy approached me holding a guitar. He said to me that I looked sad but I told him I was fine. He was with a group of friends and got into one carriage and I deliberately got into another. A few seconds after the tube had pulled away, I heard the door between the carriages open and close, couldn't see who was coming as the door was behind me (again was in a four seater section), next thing I know, the bloke from the platform is standing next to me and starts playing his guitar and singing a song to cheer me up. I was mortified! I can't remember what he sang, I just thanked him as we got to the next stop, told him it was my stop (it wasn't) and got off the tube. With hindsight, actually terribly sweet of him, he seemed like a decent enough bloke, he wasn't a busker but I was just very embarrassed as everyone else in the carriage were watching and smirking!

aGirlDownUnder1 Mon 31-Mar-14 09:27:53

I was in Subway in Australia (Gold Coast) on holiday a few ago DH and DD. Their was a couple in their early 60s in front of us, the woman had obviously had a few drinks. Anyway the woman needed to go to the toilet, so she let her husband order, she then came back to find that her husband asked them to put ham in sandwich instead of chicken!, she then has a massive go at him and they then start a full blown argument and her DH tries to apologise she's then start ranting about how he never treats her properly and starts swearing at him. Whilst the woman at the counter is saying she could swap them if they want. The woman then walks outside and has a fag! Leaving the husband and everyone else in Subway in disbelief.

Honestly I have never seen anyone row in public like that before, I was gobsmacked.

NymodigFruOla Mon 31-Mar-14 09:41:10

Not as jaw dropping as some of these, but ...

Sitting at a window seat of a bistro one lunchtime, there's a Porsche parked on the other side of the road directly opposite us. Scaffolding was being erected outside the building where the car was parked. One of the scaffolders dropped a full length scaffold pole (from about 3 storeys high) right onto the car, which ended up with a massive dent running from front to back.

Our local pub one New Year's Day. A group of us had all arrived 'early doors' for a hair of the dog and we were sitting at a long table next to the wall. A couple, with a small dog, arrived and sat down opposite us, but after about 10 minutes they moved to another table further away. Another of our group came in and suddenly started hopping around on one foot. When asked what was wrong, he said he'd just trodden in some dog poo. The carpet was dark red with swirly patterns - so the dog poo was difficult to see and none of the rest of us had trodden in it. Friend went outside to clean his shoe and the staff were told about the poo. After it had been cleared up the staff member spoke to the couple with the dog, who swore blind it wasn't their dog. But it was the only dog in the pub at the time.

superbagpuss Mon 31-Mar-14 09:49:50

in London walking between Marylebone and baker street station when I heard horses

about 100, 1 rider to each three or four horses cantering/racing along the road not stopping for traffic or lights or anything

it was about 7am but completely unexpected

apparently that's how they move the horses between barracks

figgypuddings Mon 31-Mar-14 09:51:55

Two elderly and rather rotund women ordering and scoffing cakes in a quiet Christian cafe. I saw them put cakes in their pockets and once they had finished their cups of tea, they both ran out out without paying.

OnlyLovers Mon 31-Mar-14 09:52:56

Wow, bagpuss, that sounds rather fabulous! But I love horses in the city anyway. Always have to stop for an admiring gander at police horses and restrain myself from going over and stroking their noses

Kerosene Mon 31-Mar-14 10:03:34

Friend at uni was doing pretty badly in her degree, so she had an idea for an alternate career - hardcore fetish porn.

She was really proud when she got her first shoot, and insisted on showing the pictures to us all. She'd been vacuum-sealed into a rubber suit so tightly you could see her pube stubble.

CoilRegret Mon 31-Mar-14 10:06:31

I drive a large MPV, that in certain towns is also the car of choice for the local cab company.

Heavily pregnant, and still having morning sickness, I pulled over on a quiet residential street to be sick classy and a naked young man, painted entirely green, asked if we'd drive him home, and he'd pay is when we got there as he had no money. Normally I would have offered him a lift, but he was green, I had no seat protectors, and didn't fancy a green car.

NymodigFruOla Mon 31-Mar-14 10:06:32

In a smallish M&S one Summer I was looking at the sandals on the display rack close to the doors. A woman walked in, stood next to me, picked up a pair of sandals, bent down to try them on and then walked out of the shop wearing the sandals. It all happened so quickly, it took me some time to work out that she must have slipped her old flip flops in her bag and just brazenly walk out.

I've noticed the shoe racks in that branch are now in the depths of the store, nowhere near any doors.

TheVictorian Mon 31-Mar-14 10:14:32

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

LokiDokey Mon 31-Mar-14 10:16:04

Many years ago, before 24 hour opening, I worked night shifts in Tesco. I'd usually go for lunch around 1am and would walk to the staff canteen through the clothing section.

This particular night I noticed underneath the changing room door was littered with Kinder Egg wrappers. Thinking we'd had a thief in the day I went in intending to gather up wrappers and log the thefts, I pushed open the cubicle door and came face to face with a sleeping child, aged about 8. When I'd picked my jaw up off the floor I gently woke him, picked him up and carried him towards the staff canteen and my manager.
My manager was late 40's, no kids and no experience of children so when he saw the child his first words were "Do you have any papers?". It all became quite surreal by then, we reminded him we weren't in Nazi Germany and called the Police.

I took him to the canteen, sat him down with a donut and we had a chat whilst waiting for the Police. He told me his name, told me his Mum had got remarried and his Step Dad didn't like him very much and now he had a baby brother they preferred him. It was all desperately sad. The Police arrived, told me he did it on a regular basis and that he was a 'troubled' kid. They told me 'next time' don't feed him because he will be back.

True to the Officers word he did come back, several times. So much so we had to implement a policy with security to check all hiding places before store lock up. This continued for about 6 months until finally he stopped coming. I've often wondered over the years what became of him, he'll be an adult now. I hope it worked out ok for him.

FrankSpenser Mon 31-Mar-14 10:21:58

Thanks for clarifying m'dear. Although, ewww ewww ewww. And why the blinking hell did all those people have to watch? I know the answer really. Morbid fascination. Tut.

FrankSpenser Mon 31-Mar-14 10:22:01

Thanks for clarifying m'dear. Although, ewww ewww ewww. And why the blinking hell did all those people have to watch? I know the answer really. Morbid fascination. Tut.

Superbagpuss I loved it when I saw them. It felt magical. They've moved to Woolwich now I think so there's no more utterly gorgeous men riding holding horses on either side through London streets. I used to swoon at the bus stop. Later in life when I was doing the school run by car I wasn't always as enthusiastic.

CoilRegret Mon 31-Mar-14 10:34:38

The late middle aged swingers who propositioned my friend and I in the local pub. Eeeww. When we turned them down they cheerfully announced they were off to have anal sex.

Ploppy16 Mon 31-Mar-14 10:42:12

Another one which was more 'did I just see that?' Than OMG..
On weekend trip down South, camping in a lovely tranquil spot with some friends, woke to the sound of jingling bells. Looked out of the tent to see a large group of Morris Dancers in full kit including clogs wandering towards our area. Being an ex dancer it didn't really phase me until I saw the chap at the back carrying a large drum. Totally naked except for socks and clogs. They greeted us with a cheery 'good morning Ladies' and went on their merry way...

Slapntickleothewenches Mon 31-Mar-14 10:43:23

The day I drove down a seedy side street to see a man injecting what I assume was heroin into his leg. He was stood under a street light with his trousers at half mast, presumably because the shops on the larger streets had those blue lights fitted to stop that happening.
I was genuinely shocked and also terribly saddened by it as it seemed such a wretched existence sad

blueemerald Mon 31-Mar-14 10:43:30

Camberwell Green/Denmark Hill Folk there's a psychiatric hospital opposite King's.

AwfulMaureen Mon 31-Mar-14 10:44:48

Blue yes...I did attribute my odd sighting to the hospital at the time.

In an all you can eat Chinese once, we didn't realise how rough it was until we went in. Two men in their early 20s come in with 2 girls in their late teens, one of whom is very heavily pregnant. All drunk as skunks except pregnant girl.

Man repeatedly snipes at them all, tearing strips off non-pregnant girl for about 30 minutes until finally pregnant girl snaps. She jumped up and threw her pint of coke out of its glass over her shoulder (all over lady behind her) and smashed it over his head. His head was pouring with blood, there was glass in all the buffet and they are launching themselves at each other.

Chinese waitress comes out of back armed with a butter knife and a side dish and throws them out. She backed them down the stairs pointing this butter knife at them.

I have never been as shock shock shock in my life as it just came out of nowhere and was all over in about 2 minutes.

ArtexMonkey Mon 31-Mar-14 11:17:35

In Japanese Whispers nightclub in Barnsley, on a Wednesday night ("Baghead night" as we knew it). It was kicking out time but no one could leave: there was a commotion outside, the police were there. Local "character" and noted Elvis fan Kipper Jackson was occupying the roof of the solicitors' offices opposite, to protest at the confiscation of his karaoke machine.

LeonardoAcropolis Mon 31-Mar-14 11:20:34

About 20 years ago I was on holiday in the South of Frnace, having lunch at a harbour. The last thing I expected to see was a Michael clarke Duncan look-alike strolling past, with a guinea pig on his shoulder.

On holiday in Menorca a few years ago, I also did not expect to see a tornado heading straight towards me, over the sea! shock

ArtexMonkey Mon 31-Mar-14 11:23:13

There is a guy we often see in our local park now, who walks his ferrets on leads.

ArtexMonkey Mon 31-Mar-14 11:23:35

<outs self>

Lj8893 Mon 31-Mar-14 11:28:43

I see ferrets on leads fairly often, I thought that was fairly normal.....am I wrong?!

ArtexMonkey Mon 31-Mar-14 11:33:24

I must have led a sheltered life then grin I had no idea this was a 'thing'.

LokiDokey Mon 31-Mar-14 11:36:18

My friend has a couple of Ferrets she regularly walks on a lead. It's something I've always known and is fairly common in these parts.

PirateJones Mon 31-Mar-14 11:37:02

Never seen a ferret but I've seen someone out with a rabbit on a lead and a harness, that was pretty weird.

Burren Mon 31-Mar-14 11:38:14

A very sad, though surreal one. I was walking down Seven Sisters Road in North London in December 2012 and saw a man come flying out forcibly from the window of the upper deck of a moving bus, the entire window falling with him, and landing really badly on his head on the edge of the pavement. Half the bus got off and passersby tried to help him until the ambulance arrived. Apparently he'd been attacked and kicked so violently he flew backwards through the window.

I completely forgot about it, and we left London shortly after, until there was CCTV footage of it on a Routemasters documentary this year. The perpetrator was found but found not guilty in court, and the victim is paralysed.

Reminded by another post. A friend of a friend once told in low tones at a dinner party how she had seen a supernatural vision of riders and horses looming soundlessly out of the mist at dawn on Oxford St. I did consider leaving her to her delusions, and not point out that the Household Cavalry regularly exercises its horses at 7 or 7.30 in the area, but I started getting annoyed at the way she was embellishing it - saying they were dressed in 19th c clothes, and the horses hooves made no noise, and they suddenly disappeared. I could have saved my breath. She refused to believe me, and said that what she saw was definitely ghostly.

Lj8893 Mon 31-Mar-14 11:40:46

I know several people who have leads for their rabbits too! I used to have one for my rabbit but only used it in the garden, he loved it!!!

cato75 Mon 31-Mar-14 11:46:11

Travelling by bus through the city centre and an old lady of about 80 got on wearing a nike tracksuit with an old style ghetto blaster on her shoulder - it was playing 'Rambling Rose' full blast.

The funniest part though was the driver who just said 'thanks love' after she had shown her bus pass - just as though it was an everyday thing.

shouldnthavesaid Mon 31-Mar-14 11:53:21

I'm remembering another one.. When I was I think just turned twenty I was admitted for a few nights to hospital. I was allowed to leave the ward freely on the last day, and went to the shop a couple of times for something to eat.

The hospital I was in is huge, absolutely massive. It's built in such a way that if you start at one end you can complete a full circuit using different corridors. It's about a miles walk.

To lengthen my walks to the shop I did half this circuit. One time I ended up sort of following a pair of nurses. One was pushing a wheelchair, the other pushing a cart.

We had to stop for lifts at the end of the walk to get back to wards. It was then I realised nurse one had a man in the wheelchair, who was ventilated with tracheostomy, looked wholly unaware of his surroundings, on all sorts of drips and drains etc.

The nurse behind him was carrying a crash cart with oxygen and defib etc.

The whole time they had been talking to the guy as if everything was completely normal, asking him what he thought of the new wall murals, if he could see the seagulls.

I was shocked at how ill he was and at the fact that they were taking him for a walk - their treatment of him, from what I could see, was just lovely.

FrankSpenser Mon 31-Mar-14 11:53:28

I've seen many a man in garish nightclub-esque drag. Check.
Many a man in regular women's clothing complete with wigs and makeup. Check.
To see a large and burly man sporting a traditional and sparkly wedding type saree outfit complete with matching sequinned scarf. Mmmm, not so much! He was fiddling around with nail polish to as I went past. Ha!

DontWannaBeObamasElf Mon 31-Mar-14 11:58:11

A man sitting on a bench on a busy street stroking a Guinea Pig. Saw them twice more after that.

TunipTheUnconquerable Mon 31-Mar-14 12:01:09

Mine is an awful one.
It was the local carnival fun day when I was a kid and one of the events was a stuntman whose trick was to dive off a massive tower and land on a pile of mattresses.
He missed the mattresses. An ambulance came.
Luckily he survived but was very seriously injured.

MadAsFish Mon 31-Mar-14 12:02:22

I saw someone walking a small pig in an inner city suburb of Melbourne, once. Nearly fell off my bike.

TunipTheUnconquerable Mon 31-Mar-14 12:05:00

Our gardener when I was a child had a pet pig. He used to take it shopping with him on a lead and it waited for him outside shops.
Perfectly normal IMO grin

RabbitPies Mon 31-Mar-14 12:10:14

Nothing compared to these,but I was very shock when a man on a bus,quite obviously a drug addict, deliberately sneezed in the face of another passenger. It was disgusting. He was about a foot away from him at the time.

Also I saw a very near miss when a two year old boy suddenly bolted while walking along with his mother,who was pushing a pram. He was heading towards a very busy road,and ran across. She let go of the pram to run after him,the pavement was sloped and the pram continued onto the road,and started to turn then tip. The driver was just able to brake in time,or both the baby in the pram and the toddler would have been hit. That still shakes me u. I was on the opposite side so couldn't get there in time to do anything about it.

RabbitPies Mon 31-Mar-14 12:18:32

A horrible one was sitting on a bus in Glasgow city centre,and looking out the window,seeing a woman run right out in front of the bus i Was on.

I can still picture her very clearly,and I had maybe one or two seconds to see her and realise that it was impossible for the driver to avoid her. It felt much longer though,and I costed my eyes,not wanting to see the inevitable. I couldn't ignore though the very audible thud as the bus hit her.

Getting off that bus to go around to see how she was awful. I knew I had to,but I didn't know what I'd see.

sashh Mon 31-Mar-14 12:50:42

superbagpuss

It's so annoying when you are on the bus behind them

CrystalJelly Mon 31-Mar-14 12:55:00

I also saw a weird plane incident when I was about seven and playing in my Auntie's garden one Saturday afternoon with my cousins - it was definitely a Saturday as we used to go every week. They lived on a small holding with no houses nearby, just a busy A road and an industrial estate.

A huge jumbo jet flew right over the garden, it was very, very low. As low as you would expect a plane to be if you were stood at the end of a runway watching them taking off. There were two much smaller planes, possibly fighter jets, either side of it and they were sort of flying in a formation together.

It was bizarre. They didn't live anywhere near an airport, and as far as I know no one else saw it. My cousins are younger that me and don't remember it at all. The only explanations I can think of is that it was some kind of air show passing by, or it was terrorist related and the jet was sign escorted somewhere. This was the late 80's or early 90's so around the time of the Lockerbie bombing so not beyond the realms of possibility.

I'd be interested to know if anyone else saw it as it's always left me puzzled.

smallandimperfectlyformed Mon 31-Mar-14 12:56:18

In Savers in my town of SE London last year there was a Nigerian man happily doing his shopping who was then stopped by a white man saying 'why are you following me? Everywhere I've been today, you're there' - the Nigerian man attempted to say I'm not doing anything but he wasn't listening to reason and the staff tried to intervene. Eventually they had to threaten this man with calling the police - the funniest thing was the white man had no shopping basket or bags with him so it looked as though it was most likely the white man following the Nigerian man!
Sadly, my best friend witnessed a kidnapping and reported it to the police - very scary gang of Eastern European man bundling a screaming man into the car, she never heard back but doubt the outcome there was good sad

Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme Mon 31-Mar-14 13:13:02

Am I dreaming it or was there a lovely story on the news a few years back about the sergeant of the cavalry treating the soldiers to an early morning Macdonalds breakfast in a drive through? I'm sure I read somewhere about the horses, out on excercise, all assembled at Macdonalds at about six in the morning?

Will have to google now.

Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme Mon 31-Mar-14 13:15:37

Ooh found it!

I knew I hadn't dreamt it. grin

mrsstardust Mon 31-Mar-14 13:19:33

Wooden Hindu statues drinking milk.

BeverleyMoss Mon 31-Mar-14 13:22:06

Mine's not that jaw dropping, but OMG - <heave>

standing in long a queue in a park and the lady (loosely used) in front of us poked her finger nail up her child's nose, rummaged and hooked out a bogey, inspected and flicked it, all the while chatting to her friend.

Blithereens Mon 31-Mar-14 13:26:15

Standing in the baggage reclaim hall waiting for my suitcase to appear on the carousel. Nearby was the lost/found baggage kiosk with tons of suitcases piled up. A young girl was complaining to her mother about needing the loo. Despite the fact that there are loos in the hall, the mother was too concerned about missing her suitcase (evidently nobody had told her they do come back around again) and instructed her DD to 'just go over there.'

So the girl went and crouched in the middle of all the suitcases and peed on the floor shock I was only young myself at the time so didn't say anything, but I've never forgotten it!

OnIlkelyMoorBahtat Mon 31-Mar-14 13:31:49

As a wee 'un I used to work on Brighton Pier. My all-time shock moment was when a guy who was being marched off the pier by a security guard for being drunk and disorderly took off his prosthetic leg and proceeded to chase-hop after the security guard, brandishing his leg like a club. We couldn't move for laughing, the security guard was laughing even as he was running away - he'd have got an almighty smack round the head if he'd been caught!

DownstairsMixUp Mon 31-Mar-14 13:38:11

Sorry I have another poo one. blush Years ago I used to stay with my Mum and step dad on this rough estate in Essex where their flat was. Some parents were standing outside the shops chatting outside our window with their kids running round the green with some other kids on their own. A little girl went whining to her mum about something (couldn't hear as was on balcony) but mum told her something so off the girl trotted, pulled down her knickers and done a massive shit on the green. shock She wasn't like overly young to, about 5? Que the group of lads there one of them with a thick scottish accent shouting "oi shit arse" and the woman just completely ignored it like it was normal doing a poo on the green!

cafecito Mon 31-Mar-14 13:50:26

yes blue, I know - I am rather more referring to those who had either completely escaped without permission or has nothing to do with the psych hosp. I think I can turn a blind eye to most bizarre things esp when attributable to illness, it's the other ones that were worrying!

HeirToTheIronThrone Mon 31-Mar-14 14:05:46

In terms of 'can't believe my eyes' things, we were once driving back from somewhere along the M40, stepdad driving and me and DB in the car (we must have been late teens/early 20s so not young children).

A black car zoomed up the fast lane past us, then went across all three lanes of traffic in one go without indicating, onto the hard shoulder then up the grass slope and took off the top, literally flying into the trees. DSD pulled over and we sat there wondering if we really had seen it, a couple of other cars stopped too. DB ran into the trees and the car was there, wedged into them. Remarkably the driver was ok - he's obviously had a fit or something but was conscious and unhurt. I will never get over the thought that he managed to cross all three lanes of a busy motorway without clipping anyone else.

CPtart Mon 31-Mar-14 14:09:59

When as an impressionable fifteen year old, our catholic secondary school hit the front page of the News of the World as my French teacher had been found having sex with underage pupils, and posing for obscene photos in front of the blackboard with the music teacher!

SaggyAndLucy Mon 31-Mar-14 14:14:55

Ilove reminded me...
A black shiny carriage, think wedding/funeral pulled by a pair of beautiful black Freesian horses in full show harness complete with black plumes on their heads, at the drive through mcdonalds in our town centre!

ooh the tiger pissing ones remind me, when I was little we used to go to Chester Zoo all the time. One visit there were some horrible boys taunting the tiger, yelling and poking sticks (couldn't get them actually into the cage but making their intentions clear).

The tiger eventually got fed up with them, strolled over, aimed perfectly and pissed all over them. Very satisfying to watch!

Ninehoursahead Mon 31-Mar-14 14:19:10

In Florida on honeymoon. Staying in a relative's holiday house in a residential beach town. Neighbours come over to say hi and we go over to their house for a drink. Lovely middle aged couple, having a lovely chat. I ask whether they are originally from the town and the wife replies that they are from Connecticut and moved there a few years ago. Husband adds "yes we love it down here because there are no blacks" shock shock
We made our excuses and left and avoided them for the rest of the holiday but I have always been annoyed that I didn't say anything sad

SaggyAndLucy Mon 31-Mar-14 14:21:35

And a plane one...
poo picking in my paddock on a gorgeous summer afternoon. A spitfire appears overhead and starts enjoying itself, dipping in and out of the clouds, rolling, turning and putting on a great display complete with that fabulous Merlin engine roar that spitfire make.
suddenly, the plane cuts it's engines and goes into a real fast dive, drops behind the tree lined and completely disappears.
Was going too fast and too sleep to land, there's no engine sounds, no crash or explosion, he just dips out of sight and doesn't reappear! I was rather shock shock shock shock there was nobody else there to discuss it either. to this day I have no idea where he went!

OnIlkelyMoorBahtat Mon 31-Mar-14 14:23:12

Ooo, just thought of another one. A car stopped at the junction of Cricklewood Broadway while the lights were red: windows were open and loud shouting coming from within. Suddenly the driver flung his door open, jumped out, ran to the back door on his side, flung it open, yanked the guy sitting there towards him, punched him smartly in the face 3 times, slammed the door shut, jumped back into the driving seat and drove off!

murphys Mon 31-Mar-14 14:29:25

Just yesterday I popped to the shops, this supermarket has a queuing system where there is one line for everyone to queue in and then the open till will call you. So we are all standing in the queue and all the way along is the shelf laden with chocolates and sweets (you get the idea). This couple were in front of me, the man was ahead and she was lingering looking at the slabs of chocolates. At the top of his voice he shouts at her "put that chocolate down, you are not having it so just stop it" shock. Ah man I felt so bad for that women.

Chelvis Mon 31-Mar-14 14:32:12

When I was a student, I worked part time in a large shop. There was a young woman (20 ish) who started at the same time as me. She must have been clean and presentable at the interview, but she seemed to have stopped washing after her first day. She had greasy hair hanging in strings around her face, always had smelly grubby uniform, and you'd see her write on the back of her hand and it would still be there days later. She also had horrendous acne around her hairline, which I know usually isn't linked to cleanliness, but in her case, I'd presume it was caused by her lack of hair/skin washing.

I was sitting in the staff room, reading a paper and eating my lunch when I happened to glance over at her. She was distractedly, whilst also reading, prodding a spot on her forehead. As she kneaded at it (and I watched in horror), it popped onto her fingers. She gave it a good squeeze to get some more out. She then examined her fingers, then licked the pus off them.

I nearly threw up. I told one of my colleagues what had happened in absolute disgust, and he told the manager, who sacked her that same day. She'd already had written warnings for lack of cleanliness, so it was a 'final straw' incident. I felt pretty bad, because something was obviously not right with her, but it was vile.

murphys Mon 31-Mar-14 14:33:45

Oh I just remembered another one, which is much funnier than my last one.... hmm

Years back when dh and I had just met I had an old VW Beetle. Dh at the time had long hair, which is blonde. We had been on a night out and I was driving home and dh in passenger seat. We stopped at lights and this car pulls up with two blokes inside. Driver winds down window and shouts, "fancy a shag ladies". To which DH turns and glares out the window at them. Only then did the bloke realize dh was in fact a he not a she, they just sped off on the red light. I laugh about this all the time grin

PipkinsPal Mon 31-Mar-14 14:41:17

I was wandering around the local animal park (now long closed) when I saw a young chimpanzee sneaking through a window and walking down the path. I heard the Keeper shout "Oi you, get back in here" to which the chimp duly turned around and went back in.

ShredMeJillianIWantToBeNatalie Mon 31-Mar-14 14:45:20

Just remembered a weird one.

I was on a plane coming back from Cyprus about 20 years ago. The plane was delayed taking off and everyone was tense and grumpy. The man sat next to me was particularly grumpy and a bit agitated (I was sat in the aisle seat, he was next to me in the middle seat) but I thought nothing of it. He was about 25, huge big bloke, looked really tough.

As the plane eventually took off he started whimpering and pushing the seat in front of him with his hands, then finally shouting and screaming "WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE! WE'RE GOING TO CRASH AND DIE IN A FIREBALL! FUCKING HELL, FUCKING HELL, WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!"

He was absolutely terrified. I had no idea what to do, but he was staring at me in utter panic with tears streaming down his face. So I held out my hand and he took it. We sat there for about 5 minutes, total strangers with him screaming away and sobbing.

When it became clear we were safely airborne, he calmed down and said "sorry about that" and was absolutely calm the rest of the flight.

GinSoakedMisery Mon 31-Mar-14 14:57:00

There is a. Like who walks his pot bellied pig near where my friend lives. First time I saw them I giggled all the way to hers.

curiousgeorgie Mon 31-Mar-14 15:47:36

I was about 39 weeks pregnant and my brothers band were playing in a pub local to my house.

DH & I walked there up the hill and I sat down while he got us a drink. I'm
not opposed to the occasional glass of wine in pregnancy but I was thirsty and having apple juice.

The woman on the table next to us was about 60 and kept making comments, muttering to herself. Like 'shouldn't be here', 'drinking drinking' and even an 'I might have to perform surgery' shock

My DH thought it was hilarious until we decided to leave about half ten and she walked all the way down the hill behind us muttering.

I was pretty terrified at the time!

bubblegoose Mon 31-Mar-14 15:52:19

Seeing a woman doing a poo at the big roundabout at Elephant & Castle, 7am on Christmas Day, 2006.

DownstairsMixUp Mon 31-Mar-14 16:00:24

Oh another one, driving through town and two blokes in money suits are running down the high street pretty much bashing everyone out the way (it was early evening) one was shouting "ooh ooh i black monkey" the other shouting "ooh ooh i white monkey" absolutely pissing themselves laughing then ran off down towards the sea front confused i looked everywhere thinking I'd see cameras for a hidden camera show but i didn't see any.

A lady walking along the street, messy hair, mis matched outfit with literally RED circles drawn on her cheeks like clowns do and blue eye shadow up to her eyebrows pulling along one of them shopping things and holding an empty asda carrier bag. Suddenly just stopped, pulled up her skirt, weed in the bag then carried on walking with a piss filled Asda bag!

A bloke in the local Tesco express clearly stealing stuff, stuffed two cheeses down his trousers and then grabbed a bag of maltesers and put them in the front of his jacket (had pockets on the front) right in front of the manager, clearly a manager to with the stripey shirt and huge name badge. She confronts him and says she knows he is stealing and she'll call the police he just goes, "fine i don't like it in here anyway!!" throws all the stuff on the floor next to bemused manager then fucks off running out the shop. :S

I'm sure I have more, there's always weird stuff happening in this town!

Nellymay Mon 31-Mar-14 16:02:42

Walking down down the Main Street in hackney and what do I see but a woman lift the back of her dress up exposing her naked bum, no knickers, and out pours a great long stream of wee, she finishes and walks off.

Another one, there used to be an elderly man who used to walk around the North London area : finsbury park, stoke newington etc wearing a white wedding dress and veil - and a long white beard!

nicename Mon 31-Mar-14 16:08:15

Years ago we were having a drink after work. A rather elderly and portly lady creaked down the stairs in a raincoat, carrying and old 1980s style ghetto blaster and walked slowly to the table next to us. Yup, she was a stripogram (or rather stripogran). It was just so sad. She pulled off the coar and had fishnet stockings, french knickers, cami top - the whole shebang.

The whole place just stopped and gawped. Everyone found fascinating spots on the carpet.

The worst was once she had done her sexy dance she pulled on her coat and made the slowest exit, huffing and puffing back up the stairs, pausing to sigh/deep breathe/cough as she went.

Koothrapanties Mon 31-Mar-14 16:11:04

Oh I have another one. When I was 9 I was lucky enough to go on a family holiday to Florida. On the flight over there was a bomb scare. Someone had left a mobile phone at the back of the plane and they were very concerned that it was a bomb. They took all our blankets and pillows to put around it to try and contain the blast if it went off.

The plane was redirected to Boston and we were met by a fleet of fire engines and ambulances. It was very frightening and my poor mum , who was not very mentally well anyway, was physically sick for most of the holiday from the stress.

I remember everyone on the plane telling each other they loved each other and the stewardesses repeatedly going through the safety demonstrations so we would all be prepared.

Gimmesomemore Mon 31-Mar-14 16:13:02

I used to work as a pensions administrator and ran an AVC scheme for a massive supermarket chain.

I took a call from a worried checkout cashier, who told me she'd been caught taking money out the till that morning and had been dismissed. She was extremely concerned that the supermarket chain would reimburse themselves from her pension fund, I was gobsmacked and didn't know how to handle the call.... I think I transferred her to my manager.

Groovee Mon 31-Mar-14 16:16:56

My Saturday job as a teen was in Greggs. I think it was the Easter holidays as I was in on a week day. One regular customer had special needs and usually came in with his elderly mother. But this day he had a list. So I was serving him when he turned round to the line of postmen standing waiting to be served (the delivery office was up the road and my dad was manager), and grabs the poor blokes ears and starts telling him how cute they are. Poor postie has a bright red face and doesn't know what to do. I tell Ronnie to leave the man alone and stop touching his ears. "But Groovee, they're so cute and I want to touch them!" Is the reply. I explain that he can't just walk up to people and touch them as it's invading their personal space. He accepts what I am saying with a glum look, pays and heads off.

Off course the posties are taking great delight in slagging off their colleague! My dad asks me later on what happened and does his usual. He walked up to the poor postie and touched his ears the way I said Ronnie had blush.

Another postie found out who my dad was when I asked a postie I knew to deliver a cake to my dad as a wee treat. Had known the guy for years as a child. The other postie hassles him all the way up the road as to who my dad is and his face is a picture. He keeps telling everyone the next day. So fast forward about 6 months. Postie comes in on 1st April and asks what I had told my dad. Had no idea but did point out the date to him. Turns out my dad hauled him up over the fact the manager of greggs has given me your description and the fact that you trashed the cakes the day before because it was minestrone soup! I didn't speak to my dad for days for that one!

ShredMeJillianIWantToBeNatalie Mon 31-Mar-14 16:21:01

Not really OMG but toe-curlingly embarrassing.

I was on the mats at the gym, stretching, and found myself watching a middle aged man on some other mats. He was doing the weirdest pelvic circling and hip thrusting routine I'd ever seen in front of the mirror.

I caught the eye of the lady next to me and we both looked at the man and smiled. I whispered to her "if that's what he does in public imagine what he does in the privacy of his own home!"

The smile fell from her face and she said in a quiet, hurt voice "that's my husband."

PrimalLass Mon 31-Mar-14 16:29:28

20 minutes ago. Teenage girl in M74 service station in pjs, slippers and a fluffy dressing gown.

Pollaidh Mon 31-Mar-14 16:35:17

Sitting in the back of a taxi-minibus in southern Cyprus. Driver is driving like a maniac weaving in and out of small children playing on a village street.

A chorus of anguished voices in English and Greek screaming 'Be careful - children are playing!'
Taxi driver - "It all right, they not my children."

slug Mon 31-Mar-14 16:39:01

Watching the London marathon a few years ago. At the red start, amongst all the fairies, rhinos, clowns etc ran a man wearing nothing but a pair of trainers, some body paint, a leopard skin thong and a tail.

BadLad Mon 31-Mar-14 16:48:32

My most surreal London moment was on the central line - coming back from a meeting at about 3pm and heading into Bank. A man in a full gimp outfit came onto nearly empty carriage with the ball in his mouth, face covered in a mask. Just stood next to me, while I sat in my city work stuff, mid afternoon.

Reminds me of the guy in this picture.

Love the way none of the other passengers are even bothering to look at him.

Queencat Mon 31-Mar-14 16:50:51

A few years ago I went to the loo in a bar, there was no one else in the outside bit of toilet but somebody was banging on the door of a cubicle like they were locked in.
Using a coin, I undid the door and pushed it open, there was a guy standing there with his pants round his ankles pissed out of his brain covered in vomit and he had shit and pissed himself! He made a lunge towards me to her out of the cubicle but forgetting his trousers were around his ankles fell straight on his face.

It was so disgusting I ran out and told the bar staff, his mates had also left him too it.

FrankSpenser Mon 31-Mar-14 16:58:45

There's nowt more queer than folk.

Last year at a theme park in Devon. Two women had a full on fisty cuffs fight in the queue for the log flume! shock

Turns out they didn't know each other but one woman had taken a photo of other woman's 'bloke'.

I was literally stood with my mouth hanging open. There were kids crying and they were rolling round the floor.

Luckily an off duty policeman got stuck in and separated them.

squizita Mon 31-Mar-14 17:04:48

Bus one...

Bus driver impatiently shut the doors just before a tiny (2 I'd say) kid could follow his mum off the bus. She was just struggling the buggy off, and let go of child's hand for a second. He was just ridiculous- lucky the kid wasn't hurt! Then proceeded to quote bus rules and regs: stop once and only at stops as he drove off (really fast) down the Uxbridge Road, fully aware he had a screaming baby on his bus and a screaming mum running to chase the bus and about 50 passengers saying "BUT IT'S A BABY! NOT A MOUTHY TEEN!" repeatedly.

Everyone immediately used their mobiles to call the complaint line. He then stopped the bus at the next stop, several people scooped up child and carried him at a jog back towards running mum to return him.
Bus driver refused to move bus on because we were "unreasonably" ringing his boss. So much for rules and regs when it suited him!

Lj8893 Mon 31-Mar-14 17:04:55

Oh I got another one. Wee related this time, no poo.

I was in my local pub which has a late licence and doormen.
From the front door there's a corridor down to main bar area with a seating/dance floor area alongside it. The corridor is slightly sloping.

I was leaving at about 2am, and stopped in the corridor to talk to a friend who was stood in the seating area. As I was talking to him I looked at the front door and noticed a woman crouched in the doorway, with one of the doormen stood over her shouting. I was just about to say to my friend "has she got no trousers on" when I realised her trousers were round her ankles and she was pissing and the piss was running down the corridor and was about 3 inches from my feet!!!!
The doorman was shouting "LJ move out the way!!!" And my friend grabbed me and yanked me into the seating area.

It turned out she had been kicked out for being drunk&disorderly and was kicking off outside because she wanted to go back in to use the toilet. When they wouldn't let her back in she decided to just go in the doorway.

Classy bird.

slug Mon 31-Mar-14 17:07:46

Remembered another one. In NZ many years ago. Late one Sunday night after watching the regular Sunday night horror movie (a NZ institution) BF and I had a bit of the wobbles so we went for a walk around the block. It was about 12:30. We walked past one house and, standing in the driveway was a man with a rifle and a dog, dressed all in black, leaning on the gatepost, peering around. We could tell it was a member of the Police Armed Offender's Squad, the only armed police unit in NZ that they bring out for the scary shit. He nodded at us and we continued walking down the street. In the next 4 driveways were more and more members of the squad, with guns and Police dogs, all calmly letting us walk past. They were all standing in absolute silence staring at a house across the street.

BF and I sprinted home and turned on the TV to check if there was standoff, but there was radio silence, not a mention at all. I sincerely hope it was a training exercise and we weren't just left to blithely walk between the police and some nutter with a gun.

Pleeeeeeaase please please no more poo / vomit / wee ones!

Lj8893 Mon 31-Mar-14 17:14:03

Don't worry hearts I'm all out of poo and wee ones!

PollyCazaletWannabe Mon 31-Mar-14 17:17:45

Not as odd as some of these but I was walking home the other day. A young man aged about 21 was coming towards me on the other side of the road, with a large Alsatian dog on a lead. As the man approached I saw that he was on roller skates- fair enough, I thought, if slightly dangerous as a way of exercising your dog. However, as he came towards me he began to speed up and then skated off the pavement and began skating down the road at full speed, dog galloping along beside him. A car was coming along behind him but he didn't turn aside or stop, just carried on with the car driving slowly behind!

WTAF Mon 31-Mar-14 17:17:57

I was sat in the car waiting at traffic lights once, windows open. There was a man stood right by me on the pavement, I assume waiting to be picked up as he was just standing there. He made that noise like he was going to hawk up a load of gunk (ick) which made me turn to look at him in horror, as I can't bear spitting in the street. I turned right as he spat it all out (there was a lot, truly hideous), but he was obviously standing the wrong way for the wind and it all splatted straight back all over his face! Brilliant. I laughed my head off all the way to work.

Groovee Mon 31-Mar-14 17:20:25

My dad's OMG moment was when men were allowed time off for a child being born in the 1990's. This employee asked for time off and my dad was surprised as it had been said he was gay a number of times. My dad says "Oh I didn't know you were about to be a father?" To which the guy replies "Aye my horse is about to give birth!"

GarlicMarchHare Mon 31-Mar-14 17:48:49

grin BadLad!

3littlefrogs Mon 31-Mar-14 17:49:35

I remember driving round my local area in North London looking for a parking place. I passed two ladies dressed in traditional burkas. They were having an argument about something. I couldn't find a space so went slowly round the block again; as I passed them the second time they were shouting, pushing and bashing each other with their handbags.

It looked very odd.

goshhhhhh Mon 31-Mar-14 18:12:44

I have a few....(brilliant thread by the way)

Sad one - mother in Boots in Barnet. Very hard stone floor. Young toodler standing up in buggy, jumping around. Toodler literally somersaults out & lands flat onback on the floor. Toddler screams - mother picks up & stuffs in the buggy & says serves you right! Poor child. It may have been really serious.

Living in no through road in north London....having friends round & realise forgotten vital ingredient. Send DH out & wait for him to get back. He returns swiftly , white as a sheet. I say that's been quick. He says faintlyiI haven't been yet. He went to the bottom of the road & a policeman with a machine gun told in no uncertain terms to get out. He abandoned the car & he was shoved around the corner where there was quite a lot more policemen about to do a raid on a place at the bottom of the road. .....

StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes Mon 31-Mar-14 18:15:05

Birdman mentioned above is still around, often see him in the barbican pubs.
my story is on a train with a colleague sat opposite a pleasant enough young man, half way into the journey 4 girls get on, one sits in the seat next to him, they strike up a brief conversation then about 10 mins later her hand goes under the table and the bag on his lap starts moving up and down. I was shock but being terribly british pretended nothing was going on, colleague looked oblivious too. she got off a few stops later and he moved seats and colleague turned to me and said' bloody hell did that just happen we were shock

goshhhhhh Mon 31-Mar-14 18:22:28

Or living next door to the rented flat....a variety of different people coming & going. A group moved in that we laughingly called "the Russian spys" as we never saw them- just heard them go through the entire history of western pop music. Didn't think much of it until one day the police knocked on the door. They were trying to get in to next door but couldn't as they had installed steel shuttering & inner doors apparently. They went through ours & over the wall & managed to pry a way in through the back. Apparently if they hadn't they were going to go through our sitting room walll....

Moved to the sticks now & nothing much happpens here apart from a bit of wife swapping & the swingers hotel...

Deathwatchbeetle Mon 31-Mar-14 18:24:52

More Camberwell fun - There was a black lady I used to see on the top of a bus. However she always dressed in white and powdered her face and hair white too. Two black ladies on the bus were saying to another that she wanted to be white. I assume (though perhaps I shouldn't) that she was not quite 100% if you see what I mean. It is a very black area and some of them used to take offence looking at her - low rumblings but hopefully no violence. As another poster said, lots of weird things happening there but of course not far from Maudsley psychiatric hospital so not surprising really*.

I have fond memories of Camberwell Green -the whole families of alchoholics that gathered there each day.

The one and only time I went to Maccy D's. This is before I heard they thickened the milkshakes with ...chicken fat (don't know, don't care if they still do, won't be going back). Any how they were a bit slow to serve. The two beligerant fat irish women were not keen on waiting. They were in front of me. There was one queue and two possible server points. They served a black guy ahead of the irish women and automatically it kicked off. They even accused him of having aids (wtf??). I should have left a long time ago and should not really have been surprised when they chucked a milkshake -which landed on me. Nice!

After all that I did not bother with a milkshake!

* Nearly forgot! I was looking for a flat/room in the area. Bloke on phone said look out for a white house. It turned out to be a big block of flats near the Maudsley (should have been a red flag right there). He was obviously not quite right. He told me all his male tenants were jealous of him having a girlfriend and some pissed on the mattress. The mattress I would have been sleeping on if I stayed there. Apart from him being strange, was the fact that the bedroom door was reeded glass and no lock. It was the darkest and dingyest pace I had ever seen

Mintyy Mon 31-Mar-14 18:30:49

I remember the black lady covered in white. She was very striking and disconcerting. I used to see her in 1996/7/8. I've often wondered about what happened to her.

Deathwatchbeetle Mon 31-Mar-14 18:33:09

Forgot another! Not in Camberwell this time. It was on the tube. Either District or Central - doesn't matter.

A bloke got in and sat opposite me and a friend. Thought nothing of it but he had sunglasses on and was staring . I looked over and realised that although he was wearing shorts, they were very baggy and you could see everything. The reason for the sunglasses so he could see our reaction but we could not see his. I managed to ignore but my stupid freind whispered (bit of a delilah decibel no I am surprised the whole carriage did not hear) "Oh poor man, he doesn't realise you can see everything" Duh! Course he could, which is why when he got off, his bag was placed in front to hide it!!!!!!

Honestly my friend is dopey at times!

Lj8893 Mon 31-Mar-14 18:50:58

My mums friend was once on a train sat opposite 3 teenager girls. The one in the middle was staring at her and none of them were talking to each other and she was starting to get a bit freaked out but being a typical Brit she didn't want to seem rude by moving!

Eventually the train guard came down and politely asked her if she wouldn't mind following him, she asked him why and he wouldn't tell her, just kept saying she had to go with him to another carriage. Eventually she did as he said. At the next stop several policeman got on the train and everyone had to evacuate the train.

It turned out that the staring girl in the middle was actually dead and had been killed by the other 2!!

MrsPHollywood Mon 31-Mar-14 18:56:55

lj8893 shock shock

You win!!

Lj, that is chilling!

Lj8893 Mon 31-Mar-14 18:59:23

I was only about 14 when it happened, and it's stayed with me ever since, scary story!!

TheCunnyFuntIsGettingMarried Mon 31-Mar-14 19:11:33

Sorry Lj I'm not 100% I believe yours. I've seen that exact story circulated so many times on facebook (If you don't like/comment/share within the next hour the dead girl will haunt you etc etc).

Similar thing on snopes.

Deathwatchbeetle Mon 31-Mar-14 19:12:39

Lj8893 FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!

Lj8893 Mon 31-Mar-14 19:14:49

I've seen similar things on Facebook all the time.

Honestly though, she's not one to make it up, she's an ex nurse and now a sure start volunteer, she was our neighbour at the time and came straight to ours to talk to my mum as she was in such a state about it!

FrankSpenser Mon 31-Mar-14 19:20:33

Holey Moley!!

Artus Mon 31-Mar-14 19:34:59

Many years ago I was watching my then boyfriend playing Sunday morning football. Half way through the first half a police van dew up, four burly policeman ran out and arrested the centre forward for the opposing team. They put a sub on and the game continued as if nothing had happened.

MagicalHamSandwich Mon 31-Mar-14 19:41:34

Working in 5* hospitality while at uni. Guest staying in a suite wakes up in the middle of the night due to an unfamiliar sound. Gets up, walks into the lounge, finds other guest, stark naked, in his room pissing against the credenza.

We never did figure out how he obtained the key.

Next most jaw-dropping moment after that: how relaxed suite guy was about the whole thing. I thought I'd seen it all by that time and I would have screamed into the receptionist's face over that.

bubblegoose Mon 31-Mar-14 20:00:23

Lj8893 that's an urban myth!

www.snopes.com/horrors/gruesome/subway.asp

bubblegoose Mon 31-Mar-14 20:00:34

Lj8893 that's an urban myth!

www.snopes.com/horrors/gruesome/subway.asp

bubblegoose Mon 31-Mar-14 20:01:32

Oops I see CunnyFunt beat me to it. This story happened to my aunt's friend....!

Lj8893 Mon 31-Mar-14 20:11:53

I'm pretty certain it happened, I would be extremely shocked for her to make it up, she's one of the most sensible women I know!

A couple of years ago, DH found the guy from the council who sweeps up the leaves etc on our drive, pissing up against the garage door shock - the drive is at the bottom of our back garden, but even so! The CCTV across the road didn't seem to bother him...

And on Friday, I was at Sainsburys with DS2, putting my shopping in the car. There was a small Kia parked directly opposite me, being washed by one of those carpark car wash blokes. He jumped out of the way very swiftly as a bloke driving a Merc attempted to park in the empty space next to it, by bouncing his car off the back corner of the Kia. He got it all parked up, got out, and denied having hit any car - there were 4 witnesses! I took a photo on my phone and went to have a chat with the security guard in the shop, they found both him and the lady whose car he hit and it all appeared sorted out by the time I left. But, how can you not notice you've hit another car?!

ElephantsAndMiasmas Mon 31-Mar-14 20:21:19

The pelvic thrusting one is wonderful.

elahrairahforprimeminister Mon 31-Mar-14 20:23:44

DP and I had a nice meal in a local Chinese restaurant.

Was a set menu and we had rice wrapped in leaves (not something we'd ordered before). I commented about the leaves and wondered where they'd come from/what kind they were.

We jokingly agreed that they were probably from the park. Not that we were bothered, we're greedy and eat anything!

About a week later we were wandering past a different restaurant and we saw a waiter in his full smart-waiter gets up run outside to a grassy area with a tree, scoop up a loads of leaves and run back inside.

hmm

So, fancy rice wrapped in leaves? Don't order it!

wink

Polyethyl Mon 31-Mar-14 20:26:24

I was on new recruits’ training in the Territorial Army, in an MOD owned training area. We were learning to fire and manoeuvre, so we were about 100 people in a large flat field, lying on the grass, jumping up and running forward and throwing ourselves to the ground again, firing blank rounds, whilst the sergeants let off thunder flashes and smoke grenades. When a shout came over the field “STOP THE WAR, HORSE RIDER” So we all stopped firing and politely waited for the horse rider to go away. But no! She rode her horse into our field and started practicing dressage amongst us. When she first entered the field she trotted her horse directly over someone who was very lucky not to get kicked!

As she practiced her transitions, and flying leg changes round the field, steering her horse towards all the people on the ground, making them jump up and scatter out of the way of her advancing hooves our sergeants chased her round the field trying to remember their polite vocabulary, and asking if she could please go away. She disdainfully ignored them. The horse grew increasingly wound up, by all the smoke, cordite smells, and people in green leaping up from the ground to get out of his way, so the rider whipped the horse, and made him do his transitions again.

It was an amazing display of arrogance I shall never forget.

TheCunnyFuntIsGettingMarried Mon 31-Mar-14 20:28:20

Jerk with a merc...

SoleSource Mon 31-Mar-14 20:41:31

What a shocking thread and no more poi pleeease

ShredMeJillianIWantToBeNatalie Mon 31-Mar-14 20:46:34

LOL at jerk with a Merc! I witnessed an elderly lady do that to a friend's car a few months ago, she literally bounced with the impact as the front of her car hit the back of his (parked) car, then tried to drive away - we chased after her knocking on the windows until she stopped.

She said she "hadn't noticed" hitting his car, at which point he very politely pointed out that perhaps it was time for her to reconsider holding a licence. Then she had the nerve to say to him "I hope you're not going to try to defraud me on the repair costs." Cheek!

complexnumber Mon 31-Mar-14 20:47:45

Lj , yours is bollocks and you know it.

It's a shame when folk mess around with a fantastic thread like this.

My fave is Gobble gobble gobble Xmas Turkey man so far, but it is a very close thing.

complexnumber Mon 31-Mar-14 20:49:29

Ooh, second is the old woman carrying a ghetto blaster playing 'Rambling Rose'.

Priceless

RabbitPies Mon 31-Mar-14 20:52:39

A nice one was seeing Batman and Robin running along the street,like that scene in Only Fools and Horses. It made me smile.

Lj8893 Mon 31-Mar-14 20:53:29

How rude complex I have contributed to this brilliant thread several times, none of my posts have been bollocks! Perhaps my mums friend did make it up, but like I say, I would be very surprised as she is an extremely sensible woman.

RabbitPies Mon 31-Mar-14 20:53:47

It was in Lenzie,East Dunbartonshire so probably not Delboy and Rodney sadly.

Lj8893 Mon 31-Mar-14 20:55:18

rabbit a guy dressed as robin came up to me in the street the other day and said...

"I heard you scream, robin is here to help"

Turned out he was collecting for charity, I did donate but did warn him his cheesiness may put people off!

complexnumber Mon 31-Mar-14 21:00:25

Lj, yes you have made some brilliant contributions to this fantastic thread.

However

Your mum's friend made that one up.

Lets keep the others coming

Lj8893 Mon 31-Mar-14 21:03:19

Ill have to ask my mum when I next speak to her, shocked I've believed her all these years, I still remember how upset she was when she told us! I've told loads of people that story!!

Still rude of you to imply I was the one lying though.

Primadonnagirl Mon 31-Mar-14 21:12:55

Lj8893 I live in Leeds ..we are very exotic up north!
My last Omg moment was on the tube though. It was one of those that start overground.I had got on the train but it was waiting for a while. A couple ran on thinking it was going to set off then realised they needn't have bothered. He blamed her,she blamed him. There was a five minute pause then loud and clear to the completely silent carriage she said " I think it's time we got a divorce" and went on to very calmly and clearly state all the reasons why. The poor man was stuttering his objections but she said shed made her mind up. I didn't know where to look!

By the way still killing myself laughing about the Chinese lady going after people with a butter knife and a side dish!!

EatShitDerek Mon 31-Mar-14 21:15:19

Oh and I saw a man die while walking past a cemetery. My sister was with me. That was a bit OMG for a few minutes

FrankSpenser Mon 31-Mar-14 21:18:26

I'm still laughing over the rainbow varnished polyps!! It actually reminds me of something Attenborough would say.

Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme Mon 31-Mar-14 21:23:31

Never mind jerk with a Merc, jerk with a horse! shock

SheherazadeSchadenfreude Mon 31-Mar-14 21:27:47

Slag with a nag, no?

Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme Mon 31-Mar-14 21:30:31

Yeah, I reckon so. grin

Tabby1963 Mon 31-Mar-14 21:43:04

When I was 13 we had an Italian exchange student stay with us. He was gorgeous and I was smitten. My parents decided we would visit the local safari park and it was there, in the monkey enclosure, that I realised that me and the Italian hunk would never, ever be. The moment when a monkey sat on dad's car bonnet and masturbated, licking the semen in obvious enjoyment, we just sat frozen and silent while the horror unfolded. Christ, I wanted to die. grin

More recently I witnessed witless parenting choices; first one was at a school turning circle. We had had a lot of rain and it caused a great big puddle covering one half of the center of the turning circle and half way across the road. A father took his (probably) two year old son in wellies to paddle in it. He did not hold the child's hand and the child ran across the road. This turning circle was busy with cars and taxis too. I was open mouthed with amazement and shock.

At the same turning circle but on another day a mother was walking with her friend and their nursery aged children. They were both chatting away to each other and not watching their children. One child ran across the road to the middle of the turning circle, to play in the puddle. Mother shouted "come here" several times but did not bother her arse crossing to get child. Child then ran right across to the other side of the (very busy) road laughing. I expected her to give him a row when she eventually caught up with him but no, she said nothing at all and continued to chat to her friend.

This thread should definitely be promoted to Classics!

NurseyWursey Mon 31-Mar-14 21:48:30

Ice Cream Van war was amazing that I seen.

One ice cream van was on the other's 'patch'

The other one went driving after the ice cream van and they ended up driving around in circles, with the music thing on. Was like a sketch

TheGenialHarryGrout Mon 31-Mar-14 21:54:11

Lj..... I don't care if that tale turns out to be a bit of porky. It's rare these days to get a tale to make me go fuuuuuuucccccckkkkk!!, and for that, I salute you.

Lj8893 Mon 31-Mar-14 22:00:39

nursey that made me grin

hairygrout it's been making me go fuuuuuuuucckk for over 10 years, I'm gutted I've been lied to all these years!!

Roseformeplease Mon 31-Mar-14 22:15:42

I went to a school (all girls) where our "outer" pitches sometimes drew unwanted attention from passing flashers. We were playing rounders one day when one moved out from behind the bushes, wanking away furiously at 25+ girls playing in sports kit. I was closest so shouted to the teacher, "Miss, Miss" in some alarm (I was about 12).

She saw him and turned away, shouting very firmly, "Eyes in the ball girls, eyes on the ball."

chesterberry Mon 31-Mar-14 22:18:52

Mine was on a train, a weekday and about 7pm at night. It was a fairly deserted train ambling along mid-Wales and I was sat at a table seat, a woman who looked to be in her twenties got on and sat at the table across the aisle from me. She was dressed up like she was going on a night out, small dress, heels etc. Anyway, she proceeded to pull out a make-up bag and to start touching up her make-up, nothing unusual. She then produced a pair of nail scissors, slipped off her heels and started cutting her toe-nails. I thought this was a bit odd but not unheard of but she went on to EAT the toe nails, literally just popping them into her mouth like they were a tasty snack as she cut them off. She went about the whole thing like this was perfectly normal, not a hint of embarrassment or anything as I sat open-mouthed. Once she'd cut her nails she painted them and once they were dry slipped her heels back on, she got off a while later. She was on the train maybe 15 or 20 minutes but unfortunately there were no other passengers nearby for me to share my horror with.

It ok, they not my children has really tickled me. grin

I might have met rainbow polyp lady, I was befriended by a similar character once in the absolute dive pub next door to Middlesbrough Arena. I must have a friendly gullible face.

Anotheronebitthedust Mon 31-Mar-14 22:41:24

Sunbathing outside my uni flat (faced on to the beach) and a woman started screaming at a fairly young asian student, calling him a pervert because he'd been taking photos of her children, threatening to call the police unless he gave her his camera, etc. He didn't seem to speak much English and was trying to explain to her that he'd just been taking photos of the scenery but she wasn't having any of it. She called her husband over who didn't seem to know what to think. I wanted to intervene but didn't know who to believe!

Another one not particularly weird but excellent karma: I was walking to work in the rain and a strong wind blew my umbrella inside out. Man riding past laughed so hard at me he missed a can in the road and fell off his bike. I laughed the last laugh there!

GarlicMarchHare Mon 31-Mar-14 22:49:21

Haha, AreYouBlue, you didn't buy a drink then? grin

Chesterberry shock

Pancakeflipper Mon 31-Mar-14 22:53:08

In my early 20's, I was going home one Saturday morning and took a short cut through the nearby disused cemetery now a haven for wildlife.

Sat on a old tomb tone was a man wearing very expensive clothing with a vast array of what my dear friend Alan calls jazz mags. He was having a good wank and as I walked past we nodded and said morning. Then I ran off giggling immaturely.

On the Monday our new Acting Inspector at the police force started and walked in to be introduced to his new team. And guess who it was.... Mr Jazz Mags with his jazz hands. We just looked at each other..... And I giggled immaturely again. I got moved depts not long after.... cannot think why...

AlpacaPicnic Mon 31-Mar-14 23:12:09

Ooh, pancake awwwwkward!

Similar thing happened to my dhs friend 'big bert' not his real name

While in sixth form college, went out on the town, met a lady, took her home, saw her nekkid...

Back at college on Monday, and the announcement comes that there is a new teacher for his subject... Lo and behold - it's the lady he shagged at the weekend! His classmates high fived him apparently.

ohdobuckup Mon 31-Mar-14 23:17:31

A full pub, student night, freshers and locals all mingling well, in comes a police woman. She was quite petite, but looked serious, and had a real presence about her, so was taken seriously for a few minutes, but then it became clear she was a stripper gram. She did her act in front of the poor/lucky lad, lots of laughter from crowd. She then stands on a table , removes her knickers, pours a drink on the table, sits on the liquid, opens her legs and spins really fast around and around.

Whilst that is going on to much uproar, two real police officers are outside looking in through large picture window, they are about to come in when a fight erupts outside, as they are trying to deal with that two stunning long -legged women squat on the steps of shop opposite and have a very long wee....stripper in pub not amused by the competition! Another quiet night in a sleepy cathedral city

NumanoidNancy Mon 31-Mar-14 23:45:27

When I was a teenager we had a young man come to the door and ask my mother if sge wouod allow him to just go and sit in our field and look at the view as he was trying to write some poetry. About half an hour later she sent me to go see if he wanted a cup of tea...he was lying on his back naked having a wank!

When I was a student and had just that day moved into East Ham I saw two big blokes frogmarching a young skinny lad down the road, his hands were tied and one was holding a knife to his neck. Itwas pre-mobile phones and we didn't even have a landline, they marched him to a phone box and made him speak to someone then half dragged him back the way they came. I ran to the phone box and called the police and they weren't even interested! I couldn't believe it and wondered what the hell I had moved there for.

Minifingers Mon 31-Mar-14 23:47:33

I was camping at the beach in Kenya (Mombasa) back in the early 80's with a group of other teenagers. We were all sitting around the camp fire smoking spliff a and drinking when one of the boys though it'd be a good idea to throw some petrol onto the fire. The flames ran back up the splash and set fire to the boy, who then ran yelling into the sea. He came out of the waves trying to laugh it off but skin was hanging from his arms. We all sat there looking stunned and stupid, not saying or doing anything to help him, until the one sensible person in the group (not me) suggested he probably needed to see a doctor. Poor kid ended up having skin grafts...

NumanoidNancy Mon 31-Mar-14 23:52:38

Sorry another poo one. A very glamorous posh girl I knew at college shared the house with a few of our male mates and one day couldn't get into either loo because they were being used. She said she was absolutely desperate so she got two plastic bags, one inside the other, folded to make a kind of potty shape, sat in the airing cupboard, and took a dump. Then she had a plastic bag full of poo on her hands and didn't know what to do with it. She went outside to find a bin but the neighbours were out and she didn't want to get caught putting a big bag of poo in the bin. She said she was kind of panicking and just desperate to get rid of it so she walked into the library a few doors down, left it on a shelf and walked away very fast!

squizita Tue 01-Apr-14 08:46:04

Alpaca Similar story ... colleague was a young single teacher, met an older single man. They had a brief liaison (Surrey one night stand).
Only he wasn't so single... at parents evening it turned out he was married to a school governor who mentioned her husband 'travelled' on business so didn't often make such evenings!

Rissolesfortea Tue 01-Apr-14 09:14:24

One sunny saturday afternoon I just happened to glance out of my living room window to see a young lady striding quickly past with a young child in a buggy, she was followed at a few paces behind by a completely naked young man, his todger was waving about as if to get as much of the sun rays as possible.

Koothrapanties Tue 01-Apr-14 09:39:46

Oh I have one more!

About two weeks ago I was up early with dd, it was about 6.30am.

I heard a bit of a commotion outside and looked out to see a man walking around a car screaming at the man inside to get out and fight him. He was screaming and screaming and kicking the car repeatedly. The other guy didn't get out so the angry man got into his own car anddrdrove it straight at the other man's car. He smashed into the back of it, then reversed back and got back out to resume screaming at the bloke.

A couple of minutes later he got back in his car and drove off. As he was leaving I saw that he had a womanand children in the car. The police turned up a few minutes after they left.

I have since been told by a friend of his that the guy in the car owed angry man £200. It was rather a shocking start to the day!

QueenStromba Tue 01-Apr-14 09:50:02

One morning I was woken up at about 5am to a commotion outside. I looked out my window to see several policemen, a huge police dog and a man in handcuffs in my back garden. I got up and let them all through the house but never got an explanation as to how they ended up in my back garden.

Artesia Tue 01-Apr-14 11:13:57

After DS1 was born I was put on a 4 bed ward. It was pretty small, with not much room between the beds. The woman on the bed opposite was wearing nothing but a t shirt. No pants or anything. Lay there quite happily, everything on show, all through visiting time. My poor FIL didn't know where to look!

Oldraver Tue 01-Apr-14 11:15:23

I had the misfortune to pass the Naked Rambler on the way home from school (and my yellow car can be seen passing him in the documentary) Luckily for him we were not on our bikes that day as DS would of given him the third degree.

I used to live in a second floor flat with a brilliant view of a runway, and the first time I saw a plane land then take off straight away I was very shocked and worried for the passengers, until DH came home and told me they were practising and it happens all the time. He had witnessed quite few plane crashes including some of collegues so want fazed by this at all

Betrayedbutsurvived Tue 01-Apr-14 12:29:53

Just remembered one, a few years ago on a Saturday afternoon there was a knock at the door DH looked out the window and said " it's naked man" as calmly as if it was the postman. DH opened the door just as a police car drew up outside, and the policeman asked if we knew the guy, then when we said we didn't just said " it's ok, he has diabetes" confused then led him to the car and drove off. Never did find out what that was all about.

celineybeanie Tue 01-Apr-14 12:44:39

.

SelectAUserName Tue 01-Apr-14 12:56:14

One day a few years ago I was at Crown Court, quietly taking notes in a fairly dull case for our barrister, when the defendant leapt out of the box and tried to leg it out of the court room. Unluckily for him I'm about 5'9 and the court seats are really uncomfortable for the long-legged so as I was in the end seat, I was sitting with my legs out to the side and he fell over my feet which were sticking out into the aisle and was stopped (and arrested).

The sentence he subsequently got for attempting to abscond was more severe than the one he received for the original offence, the daft nugget.

FyreFly Tue 01-Apr-14 14:07:00

When I was little (about 9ish) my mum took me and my brother (7 at the time) to London to go to the BM. Afterwards, as it was a beautiful day, we went to a nearby park to have an icecream. We sat down on some benches that formed a ring around a lovely big fountain.

Along comes expensive-city-suit man. He sits on one of the benches as well, and is apparently agitated by the presence of pigeons and sparrows. He chases them a little, then obviously gets bored and returns to his bench. It's a warm day, so he takes his jacket off, folds it neatly and deposits it safely on the bench next to him so it stays clean.

He then takes a running jump, shoes and all, into the fountain, and takes a shower - fully clothed, in a public park, in the middle of the afternoon. By this point the icecreams my brother and I were clutching had been completely forgotten.

After he's satisfactorily clean, he squelches back over to his bench, dons his jacket, and departs with a nod to us and a well-mannered "Good Afternoon".

9-yeay-old me was completely astounded. I've never seen anything like it since, and when I was at uni I went to those Carnage events grin