Things you never hear a toddler say

(320 Posts)
Kasterborous Sat 22-Feb-14 16:44:54

Following on from Sparkingbrooks thread about teenagers. Here is one for toddlers, as I don't have a teenager yet.

'Yes I will eat my food without plastering it all over myself/the walls/carpet/you'

'Yes I would love a banana instead of a biscuit'

'Of course I will continue to only draw on paper, even when you only turn your back for one second'

HoratiaDrelincourt Sat 22-Feb-14 16:46:26

A nap? What a splendid idea. Now you come to mention it, I am tired, yes.

Mercedes519 Sat 22-Feb-14 16:46:28

"Yes of course I washed my hands after going to the toilet"

Bedtime? Why what a fabulous idea.

You're right mum I do needn't hair washed and I won't complain about imaginary water in my eyes

Mercedes519 Sat 22-Feb-14 16:48:39

"No of course I haven't just put my finger up my bum"

prompted by current events

MrsBearWasTired Sat 22-Feb-14 16:49:14

I think I will try for a wee before we leave the house as it would be a hassle if I suddenly needed one when we are on the motorway.

Contemplates Sat 22-Feb-14 16:50:32

Bedtime? Yes I want to, I'm feeling very tired.

Dinner time? Oh thanks Mummy, that looks delicious!

Get dressed now? Yes of course smile

Where are my shoes? Don't worry mummy I've got them just here and I'm putting them on RIGHT NOW.

Marrow Sat 22-Feb-14 16:50:42

It's very cold today. I think I should wear my mittens to keep my hands warm.

LaTrucha Sat 22-Feb-14 16:50:55

'Gosh mummy! Aren't your organisational skills impressive?

BikeRunSki Sat 22-Feb-14 16:51:22

Absolutely put my juice in a soppy cup. I am just a bit too young to drink it out of an open cup without spilling like my big brother.

BikeRunSki Sat 22-Feb-14 16:51:45

Sippy cup!

What puddle? Oh that one over there? Naah I think I'd rather stay dry, thanks.

Mud? Best not. This is a new coat.

I don't think I could manage pudding, thanks.

Marrow Sat 22-Feb-14 16:52:51

After reading some replies I should say that my DS does ask to go for naps and to bed straight after tea. It seems this is unusual!

GertyD Sat 22-Feb-14 16:53:47

I will sit here nicely and let you tidy up properly, and prepare dinner for everyone. I heard that some toddlers draw on the walls, empty drawers, secretly spit down the back of the sofa and empty toy boxes as soon as their Mummy's are not looking. Amazing!

MissOtisRegretsMadam Sat 22-Feb-14 16:53:51


Sid77 Sat 22-Feb-14 16:53:56

You're right, I will tidy my lego so that you don't kneel on a bit and then cry. Again.

PeazlyPops Sat 22-Feb-14 16:54:11

Yes of course I can wait a moment mummy.

Dangerous, you say? I'd better not touch it then.

I'd tired of hide and seek now, let's sit quietly for a while.

BeckAndCall Sat 22-Feb-14 16:55:08

Don't worry, mum, take your time, I can wait a minute.

Ledare Sat 22-Feb-14 16:57:57

"I absolutely DO LIKE x,y,z..."

CanIBeElectricToo Sat 22-Feb-14 16:58:28

Its ok mummy, you sit down for 5 minutes. I promise I wont draw on the walls, feed the dog sudocreme or do a head first somersault off the sofa.

EatShitDerek Sat 22-Feb-14 16:59:40

You don't have my favourite plate? No worries mum, I will eat off anything.

I think I will stop asking questions today.

NinjaCow Sat 22-Feb-14 17:00:00

Ooh, not having everything completely separate on the plate? Go ahead. I'll eat it anyway as it will taste just the same.

"no thanks i don't want a cake"

"I'll wait patiently while you sort out the baby"

Kasterborous Sat 22-Feb-14 17:04:23

'Yes I agree the food on your plate is EXACTLY the same as on my plate. So I will eat my own food instead of all yours'

WaxingGibbon Sat 22-Feb-14 17:05:59

You're absolutely right mummy. I have had enough television for today.

It's no problem at all I am more than happy to wait for my sister to finish playing with the doll and then it can be my turn

Mercedes519 Sat 22-Feb-14 17:06:29

No you're right mummy, jam doesn't go with cheese and absolutely I agree it would be a waste of food if I insisted on having a jam and cheese sandwich and then didn't like it.

lunch. Sigh

WaxingGibbon Sat 22-Feb-14 17:10:00

I've had a lovely time but it's getting late and I think it's time for the play date to finish now. I will see my friend again soon. Thank you for having me. Good bye!

Kasterborous Sat 22-Feb-14 17:12:15

'Of course you can go for a wee in peace'

'Yes I will come and put my clothes on and not run around naked and wee on the carpet'

'Yes I will stop throwing myself all over you and the sofa while you try and drink a cup of tea'

'If you don't take my trike I promise to walk all of the five minutes to the park and back and you won't have to carry me at any point'

WaxingGibbon Sat 22-Feb-14 17:12:27

Ok I'll just sit quietly in the trolley while we go round tesco

ZenNudist Sat 22-Feb-14 17:17:57

Now that you mention it I do need a wee, I'll just stop what I'm doing and go now.

Chocolate? No thanks.

Thanks for letting me play on the iPad. I'll put it down nicely and not kick off unholy hell at being told I've had enough.

TaraLott Sat 22-Feb-14 17:18:57


I quite fancy a lie in tomorrow and you look like you could do with the rest mummy.
I would much rather have water than juice thank you
can I have some fruit for pudding please?

WaxingGibbon Sat 22-Feb-14 17:25:49

Get back into bed, you say? Yes of course. Good night!

HandMini Sat 22-Feb-14 17:26:51

I can see you've spent time and money preparing a nutritious meal for me. I'll definitely give that a try.

Being fair, ds1 left his piece of cake with lunch.

now he's saying "please-@ a mum, have some cake?".

so adding "no i won't turn down food and then hours later ask for the exact same food"

SleepPleaseSleep Sat 22-Feb-14 17:41:21

Laughing out loud here.

How about, 'oh the car moves does it? Better not climb on that then. After all, I've only fallen off it half a dozen times today alone'

SleepPleaseSleep Sat 22-Feb-14 17:47:58

'You know what, you're right. Trying to eat stones from the driveways is really silly. And eating sand? Horrible tasting and I can't get the grittiness out, I won't do that again. And again. And again.'

And additional - 'my dinner really would be better than any of this'

OtherBarry Sat 22-Feb-14 17:50:58

It's ok mum I know what you're doing because you just told me, I don't need to ask you over and over again every 5 seconds. And please don't make me porridge no matter how much I beg for it as I don't even like it really.

SleepPleaseSleep Sat 22-Feb-14 17:51:12

'You're right, I really don't think my winky [penis] will fall off after all if I let go of it'

See, mine would ask for fruit over nearly anything else (perhaps thats how bad my cooking is grin.)

But, "yes Mummy, I understand that just because my big brother can manage something doesn't mean I can because my legs are smaller than his."

poopooheadwillyfatface Sat 22-Feb-14 17:57:30

I don't want to know why.

of course my favourite trousers I liked a year ago don't fit me any more

It's cold today so I don't think I should wear shorts and a thin t shirt

no, I don't like eating stale duck bread.

yes I think an early night would do me good

Ledare Sat 22-Feb-14 17:59:49

Time to leave soft play? Okay, shoes on!

Contemplates Sat 22-Feb-14 18:01:29

Please can I have vegetables?

PotsofGold Sat 22-Feb-14 18:01:46

I'll play with this toy and my brother can play with that one.

Lets hold hands, we are next to a busy road.

Shall we stay inside all day? Its very bad weather out there.

Wasting food is bad. I would never throw my food onto the floor.

Contemplates Sat 22-Feb-14 18:03:59

You have to go food shopping? Oh good! Can I come with you?

vladthedisorganised Sat 22-Feb-14 18:07:16

I can see that time is of the essence, so I'll be sure to get dressed and get my coat on extra-quickly today.

There's only so much CBeebies one person can stand, I agree.

I probably do need my hair washed, yes.

GroupieGirl Sat 22-Feb-14 18:09:46

Nah, I've already seen this episode of Doc McStuffins, let's turn the telly off.

You're right, I am singing the alphabet song in the wrong order!

I see you've just hoovered the floor, thus I have made every effort to keep my rice on the plate.

"This toy doesn't belong to me so of course I will give it back to its owner!"

MrsBearWasTired Sat 22-Feb-14 18:17:13

Here you go dsis, why don't you have a turn oh and here- have some of my chocolate as well.

CockBollocks Sat 22-Feb-14 18:19:12

"Can I have x piece of food, however it comes. I'm easy"

May I remind you of the cutted up pear thread!!

MrsBearWasTired Sat 22-Feb-14 18:19:44

Right. Absolutely mummy. That makes perfect sense and I will no longer climb up the bookcase as a trip to a &e would be a bit of a chore today.

Weliveinabeautifulworld Sat 22-Feb-14 18:26:20

"Yes mum, I know exactly what I want and I am going to tell you without having a tantrum meltdown"

MrsBearWasTired Sat 22-Feb-14 18:33:15

Mummy, oh sorry. Didn't see you on the phone there. I can wait til you are finished.

SleepPleaseSleep Sat 22-Feb-14 18:49:55

'You know, this game where I run off giggling while you're trying to cook does get boring after the 4th or 5th time. I think I'll sit down nicely now and play with my toys you so lovingly lugged down'

'So my little brother found a toy I haven't played with for 6 months? Cool, he can have fun playing with that then.'

'Yes, my hair and face do need washing, and you're supporting me properly and trying very hard not to get soap near my eyes. I'll stop throwing myself around and screaming blue murder so you can get it done faster.'

Could carry on like this forever....

SleepPleaseSleep Sat 22-Feb-14 18:53:24

'I won't find a pen from somewhere and try to eat it and get blue on my face while you're having a well-earned rest telling people on mumsnet how funny I am. Especially not just after my bath.'

RVPisnomore Sat 22-Feb-14 18:57:19

Mummy you're right the TMNT is called Donatello and I was wrong insisting it was Donitello, I'm sorry!

APipkinOfPepper Sat 22-Feb-14 18:59:09

"You know what, you're right, I won't eat it just like all the other times, so I will stop asking for a bit of lettuce / other foodstuff I don't like off your plate"

"You are right, I DO like grapes, I remember eating them yesterday and they were delicious, so I won't squish them, lick them and then give them back to you and try and persuade you to eat them."

Nagasaki Sat 22-Feb-14 19:01:07

Goodness, Mummy! Look at the time! I best put my toys away swiftly and get my jammies on for bed. yawn Gosh, I'm tired.

Vegetables? Goody! More please!

petalsandstars Sat 22-Feb-14 19:03:11

I'll play nicely with my little sibling and cousin and I won't scream in their faces to make them cry I promise.

Of course you can have a wee alone in the bathroom I'm happy in the lounge playing.

Nagasaki Sat 22-Feb-14 19:03:23

You know, you're right Mummy, I DON'T need to call you at 5:30am to 'fix my quilt'. At 4 years old, I'm more than capable of pulling it an inch back over me.

FrimpongDench Sat 22-Feb-14 19:03:50

I live by the mantra 'always do exactly what you're told, the first time you're told to do it'

Halfbaked Sat 22-Feb-14 19:04:59

Yes I think I do need the toilet, thanks for the reminder mummy.

I think I will need a little help doing up my buttons, thank you for offering.

Mummy you are right, I will spill this drink down me if I don't sit down to drink it.

I'd love you to put my hair in plaits/bunches so it both looks neat and stops it flying in my face, which I find so terribly annoying.

MoominsYonisAreScary Sat 22-Feb-14 19:10:25

No mummy of course I wont push over my almost 13 month old brother when hes trying to walk

No I wont push his head into the floor when hes crawlong around.

Yes of course he can have some toys to play with

CheeseStrawWars Sat 22-Feb-14 19:12:13

(Mercedes - cheese and jam in a sandwich is actually a common combination. It's a northern thing, I think, like chips and gravy.)

tiredbutstillsmiling Sat 22-Feb-14 19:14:16

Yes I would like to return to my bed at 5.30am and not demand Mr. bloody Tumble.

Yes I will hold your hand mummy or walk nicely on my reins instead of screaming "no mummy, let me go!" as I know you're concerned I will run off at speed and you can't catch me with your ever growing pg belly.

Yes I will drink my lovely, healthy milk instead of crying for mummy's coffee or daddy's tea (oh the looks in our local cafe!)

Cluelessat30 Sat 22-Feb-14 19:17:25

Tell you what, I'll lie lovely and still while you change my nappy, it's only fair. I understand I'll get to play again in a minute.

Do you want to read your book while I have a look through my ones?

JesusInTheCabbageVan Sat 22-Feb-14 19:17:29

May I have a tissue to dispose of this bogey?

plantsitter Sat 22-Feb-14 19:18:12

"I have no strong feelings either way, mummy."

JesusInTheCabbageVan Sat 22-Feb-14 19:19:04

Actually mummy, the tractor book IS a little tedious. Can we read something else now?

Smartiepants79 Sat 22-Feb-14 19:19:52

Mummy, you are quite right play doh is disgusting.
So is cat food I can't think what I was thinking.

No mummy, of course I don't need to watch Rapunzel for the 14 th time this week.

Yes mummy I know exactly where my most favourite and beloved toy is. I haven't just put him somewhere very obscure and forgotten so you have to spend the next hour frantically searching for it.

Cluelessat30 Sat 22-Feb-14 19:20:38

Yes it is cold now I'm out of the bath. Please put my pyjamas on (
instead of tearing away in the buff).

Every bloody time....

Cluelessat30 Sat 22-Feb-14 19:24:17

Before we cuddle, could you just wipe my nose please? Thanks.

SleepPleaseSleep Sat 22-Feb-14 19:27:26

Right I see we're rushing to get out on time, so I won't do a great big poo in my nappy right now. Especially not just 5 minutes after you changed me, after waiting for a while 'cos you just knew I was going to.

Similarly, 'I see it's bedtime now, and I've just had my bath. I won't do a great big stinky poo now then.'

FusilliJerry Sat 22-Feb-14 19:29:36

Of course I will clean my teeth properly, not just suck the toothpaste off and immediately spit it out.
Yes, any of the 8 almost identical dolls will be fine, I don't need to have the only one that is not right here.

jaggythistle Sat 22-Feb-14 19:30:45

You know Mummy, I'm feeling a bit funny. Why don't I have a snack instead of a complete meltdown?

What's that mummy you're going for a poo? No of course I don't want to stand on your lap while you do it hmm why would I? I'll stay here and watch Ben and holly.

What's that? A sandwich? The same as I had yesterday? Yes I agree, I did enjoy it. I'll eat it all up and not pound it to the thickness of a postage stamp with my water cup.

YeahBuddy Sat 22-Feb-14 19:34:32

I know, I'll put some of these other toys away that I have finished playing with before I get some more out. That way the living room will stay nice and tidy.

Oh sorry mummy, I can see you're busy/talking on the phone/sorting out my brother, it's ok I can wait a few minutes until you've finished.

findingherfeet Sat 22-Feb-14 19:36:34

Ahhhh my toddler is NORMAL grin

AmberSpyglass Sat 22-Feb-14 19:38:37

You're right, mummy, I HAVE been able to speak in full sentences for over a year now, ergo I shall endeavour to explain my needs using the English language instead of just making irritating whining noises and pointing at indeterminate objects. It will make both our lives easier.

missmapp Sat 22-Feb-14 19:38:56

I can see you havn't quite finished having a wee , Mummy, so I won't open the cubicle door to show everyone your knickers.

Mercedes519 Sat 22-Feb-14 19:44:31

cheesestraw I could do cheese with say a quince jelly/jam but strawberry? Each to their own but I should add...

"Of course mummy I remember I didn't like cheese and jam the other day when you caved in lovingly made it for me. So I won't ask for that again"

And just now she didn't say...

"Mummy you've had a long day so I won't shout very five minutes for the next hour because I've done a wee or can't find a toy that's on my bed or just because I need a cuddle. You need time to yourself"

cakesonatrain Sat 22-Feb-14 19:44:34

Yes, it's probably best if I climb straight up the stairs rather than stopping to investigate nothing on every step.

Oh, that noise was a doggy wasn't it? I'll remember that for the next time it barks in 30 seconds' time. And the next time. And the time after that.

SpookedMackerel Sat 22-Feb-14 19:47:50

Yes, you're right Mummy, I do make a bit of a mess when I try to tip the contents of my potty down the toilet myself.
Please do it for me and I certainly won't dream of having a tantrum and trying to wrestle it from your grasp.
And I agree that a floor length Cinderella dressing up dress and some big fairy wings is a touch impractical for the first stages of potty training. I think I'll just wear leggings instead.

WhoWasThatMaskedWoman Sat 22-Feb-14 19:48:26

Oh never mind, I'll do it later.

TheCunkOfPhilomena Sat 22-Feb-14 19:53:46

SILENCE whilst the toddler plays quietly on his own. Just for 5 minutes.

MrsPaddington Sat 22-Feb-14 19:55:32

*WillYouDo' the sitting on lap whilst you are trying to poo thing-argh! I know!

Yes, mummy I will eat everything I asked for.
Oh that biscuit that's broken, I'll eat it anyway!
You know how I'm 4 now, well. I have decided to stop having tantrums. I can see how silly that is.

claraschu Sat 22-Feb-14 19:55:41

Yes I would like to stay with a babysitter so you can go out without me.

themummyonthebus Sat 22-Feb-14 19:56:02

Why is that man doing... Oh never mind, I've worked it out for myself.

I'd rather have water/juice than breast milk please.

Haahoooo Sat 22-Feb-14 19:59:04

I know there's millions lots of trees along this street. I don't need to point every single one of them out, say tree, and await confirmation / compliments... confusedsmile

Zzzzmarchhare Sat 22-Feb-14 20:01:18

No mummy, that word you said after someone nearly killed is in the car is obviously not a work I should say round tesco.

PhilomenaCunk Sat 22-Feb-14 20:03:04

Of course you can strap me into my car seat, mummy. It would be terribly dangerous and silly for me to try to travel without it.

MooseBeTimeForSnow Sat 22-Feb-14 20:08:04

Oh look, I broke this crayon in two. I'm happy to keep using it though!

Ledkr Sat 22-Feb-14 20:08:31

Yes of course ill take off my upsi daisy suit and put on my pjs

AmberSpyglass Sat 22-Feb-14 20:12:03

When you acknowledge what I've said I don't really need to repeat it over and over and over and over again, do I.

You're right, a breadstick broken in two does taste the same as an intact breadstick! I'll just eat it without comment.

Lavenderhoney Sat 22-Feb-14 20:17:24

I hate getting up early.. I'll just have some milk and go straight back to sleep, if that's ok with you.

No, you're right mummy, I can't do up my own seat yet and its not helpful of me to insist I try and leave you in the rain whilst screaming and crying because its grown ups only who can do it up. And undo it.

You're right. taking that tiny and irreplaceable teddy out with gran without her knowing was a bit silly. I have lost it and its ok. I won't scream all night and refuse to go to bed.

Kasterborous Sat 22-Feb-14 20:43:22

'I never want to watch Postman Pat ever again'

HawkeyeInChaos Sat 22-Feb-14 21:03:40

Yes mummy, I am listening to you and will do what you asked immediately.

You're right. We are in a hurry, so I won't insist on playing instead of getting ready and throw a tantrum if you try and stop me.

The medicine doesn't taste very nice, but I know it will make me better and it's important I have all the doses, so I'll have it without any fuss.

It's ok mum, I don't have to be first through the door.

The keys are kept in that drawer? Of course I'll leave them there instead of repeatedly moving them to the illogical place I want them to live.

Love these

FrimpongDench Sat 22-Feb-14 21:27:30

Yes I can remember where I put the tv remote control.

ceeveebee Sat 22-Feb-14 21:28:05

Oh no please, go ahead and play with my favourite car, you like it more than me (from dd to ds or vice versa)

Mummy please sit down and drink that coffee before it gets cold, I'll just play over here by myself for a few minutes

Don't worry Mum, I know it's beyond my capabilities and you've told me not to. I won't do it even when your back is turned and I certainly won't do it, then tell you I've done it to steal the attention from my brother.

'Sorry mum. I know pissing on the floor at the co op till is out of order. I should have we'ed when you asked me to in the bathroom.' IWBU.

"nah, walls are boring, I prefer to walk along sensibly on the ground."

"I'm more than happy to get into my buggy - anything to make the school run as stress-free and quick as possible for you!"

TheArmadillo Sat 22-Feb-14 21:48:41

Now you've acknowledged what I said I don't need to repeat it another 25 times

Yes, copying everything my brother says is annoying rather than hilarious and I will stop doing it immediately

You're right, socks are not the work of the devil that need to be immediately removed and hidden especially when we're running late for the school run

I am actually going to try my dinner tonight rather than immediately announcing I don't like it

If my brother says he doesn't feel well/has hurt himself or similar I am not going to shout over him that exactly the same thing is wrong with me and that I need medicine now and it's not fair that he gets it and I don't

I realise that I don't like dresses and certainly will stop demanding to wear the "dancing top" look at myself in the mirror for 10 seconds and then demand to wear normal clothes

I understand that if I don't like my hair in my face then having it tied up is a suitable alternative. Also that hair does need to be brushed and I don't need to act like it's an act of torture

You're right, not everything of mummy's is a "girl's thing" and I don't have the right to demand she shares it with me on that basis

I agree hiding one of other people's shoes is not funny and I shall refrain from doing it. The same will go for filling mummy's shoes with various small toys and crayons

pixiestix Sat 22-Feb-14 21:49:08

Oh poor Mummy, is your back hurting because you are 8 months pregnant? I won't try to climb on you or throw random bits of crap

pixiestix Sat 22-Feb-14 21:49:45

On the floor if its going to be agony for you.

nickelbabe Sat 22-Feb-14 21:54:30

of course I'll stop scratching. it's not itching, it's just habit.

yes, I'll fetch my coat rather than crying because it isn't in my hands.

yes, I'll climb out of my carseat to get out of the car, I am not going to climb all over the car.

i'd like to climb the stairs.

yummy, rice and vegetables.

no thanks, ice cream doesn't me

TheOldestCat Sat 22-Feb-14 21:54:33

* in response to being told he has to do something he doesn't like or stop doing something he does enjoy *

"You're absolutely right, Mummy, it IS fair!"

tolittletoolate Sat 22-Feb-14 21:54:58

Of course you can pick my clothes and get me dressed mummy!

Mercapto Sat 22-Feb-14 21:54:59

I've not read the whole thread yet but for some reason I'm reading these posts in my head using the voice of Stewie Griffin......

Kasterborous Sat 22-Feb-14 22:17:29

'I don't need to pick up every single stick I find and get really cross when I trip over the bigger ones'

Kasterborous Sat 22-Feb-14 22:22:39

'Yes Mummy/Daddy I will come and get dressed/ have my nappy changed and not run in the opposite direction as fast as I can'

I've loved reading these. I can relate most of them to DD.

meerschweinchen Sat 22-Feb-14 22:26:51

These are brilliant! Love this thread grin I can especially relate to fussiness over food not being quite right i.e broken etc, yet desperate to eat stale duck bread! Also the stick collecting, getting dressed and endless questioning!

Kasterborous Sat 22-Feb-14 22:28:46

'No Mummy I won't insist you not only cut my grapes in half but you also peel them'

LosingItSlowly Sat 22-Feb-14 22:43:00

"Here's your perfectly untouched lipstick that I found in the bathroom. I thought you might want it back."

"Actually, this repetitive banging noise must be annoying you. Maybe I'll play quietly instead."

Kasterborous Sat 22-Feb-14 22:47:16

'I think I will listen to you and not insist in taking every single toy I own for my nap, then end up lying on them all and being very uncomfortable and grumpy'

I actually read somewhere that it's recommended for grapes to be cut up for children until the age of I think 5!

PotsofGold Sun 23-Feb-14 01:16:26

I will sleep through the night. All night, every night....

NatashaBee Sun 23-Feb-14 01:47:09

This needs to be in classics...

GarlicLeGrenouille Sun 23-Feb-14 01:52:29

Whilst there are myriad things I want, I'm aware none are available to me at this juncture. Therefore, I am content with what I have right now.

I aspire to understand the intricacies of our world, both natural and man-made, and am aware that "But why?" represents an inadequate approach to such matters. Therefore I will wait until I can read, and find out for myself.

It is a given that we all must do some things we find distasteful during the course of our daily lives, Mummy. Like you, I just get on with it.

It must be very unpleasant for animals and people to have their eyes and ears poked! I wouldn't dream of inflicting such discomfort!

I shan't climb on this, or swing on that, until an adult has ascertained that it is securely fixed and contains no sharp or fragile objects.

It does rather hurt, thanks for asking! It's my own silly fault, though, I should have ascertained the security of its fixings.

Brushing my hair doesn't hurt! What an odd idea, Mummy.

BagOfBags Sun 23-Feb-14 02:26:43

'Don't worry if the last biscuit we have is broken. I'll eat it anyway'

kickassangel Sun 23-Feb-14 02:33:35

That super loud toymy grandparents gave me with a smirk on their faces? I won't play it before 8 am, and only for a few minutes a day.

No, I won't wait until you have the first hangover since I was born to figure out how to make the toy telephone ring and flash, then wave it in front of your eyes over and over and over again at 7 am.

Yes, I can wait quietly while you finish using the toilet. I won't unlock the door and run off into the shops leaving you with your knickers round your ankles and screaming for me to come back.

hoppingmad Sun 23-Feb-14 02:43:04

We have to leave the park now? I'll come straight away and not have a screaming tantrum and throw myself in a pile of mud that you have to pick me out of and carry me whilst I writhe about like a raging eel

Atbeckandcall Sun 23-Feb-14 03:41:28

'My most sincere apologies. I stand corrected, it is, in fact, your turn, please continue.'
'What's that Mummy? We have to leave the house in 5 minutes? I am a silly old bean, of course I will wait until later to create a masterpiece work of Mister Maker's globe trotting adventures. Aren't I daft thinking we can make a prickly puffer fish (that need an hour's drying time in between stages) in 2 minutes flat.'
'Yes Mummy, quite reasonable that you don't need my help to carve the roast/drain a cauldron size pan of pasta/help the builders carry a 25kg bag of concrete mix up two flights of stairs whilst wearing a Gruffalo costume two sizes too big.'

ipswichwitch Sun 23-Feb-14 05:00:41

I absolutely do need my hair cut / feet measured /check up at the doctors so why on earth would I scream blue murder and try to escape from the nice person doing it? I'll sit here patiently until they're done.

Of course the banana needs to be peeled before I can eat it. Here, would you mind peeling it for me? Thanks ever so much.

ipswichwitch Sun 23-Feb-14 05:05:06

Of cours, I'll stop making that. "Eeeeeeerrrhhhhh!" Noise while pointing vaguely when I want to aske for something we all know I know the word for. Making you guess what I want instead of just thing you isn't much fun for anyone, is it? Especially when I start bawling because you're not getting it right .

ipswichwitch Sun 23-Feb-14 05:06:27

Telling you, that should be.

NancyinCali Sun 23-Feb-14 05:48:26

Oh yes mummy you have picked out a perfect outfit for me to wear, I shall put it on immediately.

Of course I wouldn't spit out my food half way through eating it, that's disgusting!

Don't worry mummy, I'll get back in my buggy if I can't walk nicely rather than make you carry me with your bad back.

thesnowmanrocks Sun 23-Feb-14 07:02:55

"Oh mummy, you look tired! I will let you sit down for at least an hour so you can watch some television."
"I will sit quietly, and not disturb you!"

We have to leave the park now? I'll come straight away and not have a screaming tantrum and throw myself in a pile of mud that you have to pick me out of and carry me whilst I writhe about like a raging eel

love this grin

YarnyStasher Sun 23-Feb-14 07:12:07

Can I have something new for tea?

I see you're in the toilet, mummy.That's okay. My question can wait until you're finished.

I think I will play with something other than my train set today.

madmomma Sun 23-Feb-14 07:36:28

Yes you're right it's no trouble to pop myself on the potty rather than pissing where I stand whilst looking at it.

YarnyStasher Sun 23-Feb-14 07:50:58

Can I have a nap?

Would you like to choose what we watch today?

Primadonnagirl Sun 23-Feb-14 08:18:30

" Mummy I do recognise that as you are with me 100% of the time, ruined your body giving me life and basically keep me alive, just cos Daddy lets me sit in his truck sometimes does not make him a religious icon. In fact you should LTB "

MaryWestmacott Sun 23-Feb-14 08:22:53

oh well done, you won! No no, you were the better player.

I think I'd like to try this without the ketchup.

Wow, a new vegetable I've not tried before! Load up my plate mummy!

oh you're still asleep? OK, I'll go play quietly in my room, you have a lie in and we'll go get breakfast once the sun's up.

RobinSparkles Sun 23-Feb-14 08:29:27

Yes it is a bit chilly outside, isn't it? Hailstone you say? Ooh gosh I'd best get my coat on and wrap up warm! Where are my hat and gloves, please?

Yes I'll sit on your lap, nicely, on the bus. Of course I won't have a screaming fit when my sister sits next to me.

BakeOff Sun 23-Feb-14 08:30:24

Thanks for giving me plenty of warning that we are about to go out. I've tidied away all my toys and am now ready to leave the house. Yes, I remember exactly where I put my shoes!

No no, I'll just sit here quietly until you've finished eating your meal as well. And then I'll help you clear away. I won't empty the remains of my meal over myself and the floor and then insist on getting down from the table to trample it through the house before you've managed to eat more than one mouthful.

ItsSoooFluffy Sun 23-Feb-14 09:20:21

Of course you deserve to go to the toilet/ shower in peace! I won't try to barge in or stand outside the door crying if you locked it.

vladthedisorganised Sun 23-Feb-14 09:34:22

There are a lot of cats in this neighbourhood, aren't there? No need to stop and say hello to every single one of them when we have somewhere we need to be.

Inertia Sun 23-Feb-14 09:37:27

Thanks mum, you've cut up my food into pieces of precisely the shape and size I wanted.

ZingSweetMango Sun 23-Feb-14 09:38:21

"I hate Cebeebies"

Familyguyfan Sun 23-Feb-14 09:44:27

Don't be silly mummy! of course I won't climb all over the sofas now you've told me not to. They looked tempting but your loving warning about the injuries I would probably have has really hit home. I'm getting down now.

so my birthday isn't for another couple of months? I'll remember and not mention it every five minutes between then and now!

SoftSheen Sun 23-Feb-14 09:47:59

Is it really only 5 am? No problem, I'll just lie here quietly and let you go back to bed for a couple of hours.

It really doesn't matter which hairband/hairclip I wear and there's certainly no need for me to spend half an hour choosing one before changing my mind 20 times.

RobinSparkles Sun 23-Feb-14 09:52:48

No, you're right, I don't need to take all of my toys on our journey. I'll just take one or maybe I'll leave them all at home and just play with them when we get home!

Kasterborous Sun 23-Feb-14 11:39:00

'Of course I will wear my hat, so I don't complain when my ears get cold and my hair blows all over the place'

'I will put my sun cream on without any fuss and stand still while you do it, after all I don't want to get sunburn'

'Of course I won't wipe my face/nose all over you/the furniture'

Spychic Sun 23-Feb-14 11:51:07

Feed my baby brother from whichever side you want, mum, it's your body. I'll just take whatever's left, since breastmilk is his main form of nutrition and I'm fully capable of eating solids. If you want to use the good boob on him and leave me with the crappy one, I won't try to bash his head in while shouting Not the left one, not the left one!

ZingSweetMango Sun 23-Feb-14 11:53:14

"I'll wait, no problem"

TheCunkOfPhilomena Sun 23-Feb-14 12:05:10

'Ooh, are we going to see the lovely dentist that is oh so patient with me and provides so many distractions whilst I scream my head off and refuse to sit in the special magic chair? Well, I can't wait, let's go!'

happyyonisleepyyoni Sun 23-Feb-14 12:14:09

I don't mind either way Mummy?
What would suit you best?
No problem!

Kasterborous Sun 23-Feb-14 12:22:07

'Thankyou for spending ages putting my train track together for me, I won't immediately take it to pieces and then say 'oh no broken'.

SleepPleaseSleep Sun 23-Feb-14 12:38:31

Kasterborous, we don't get exactly that too! Today we've not had -

"Yes I see that you can't read two books at once and as we've just read mine I will stop pushing it into your face and listen quietly while you read little brother's. Then we can read mine' (I am very glad that they both love their books).

Ds - ' no I don't really need to bother big sister while she's playing beautifully with her beads and bags and singing. I have my own toys right here.' Dd- 'well, I understand that little brother is just curious and can look at / breathe on / maybe touch my beads without me believing they are henceforth irretrievably tarnished. In fact, he can have one of my several strings of beads too and we can play dress-up together.'

Viviennemary Sun 23-Feb-14 12:42:03

I haven't got any questions
I an going to play quietly and not ask for anything when my Mum has a splitting headache.

cheerfultrail Sun 23-Feb-14 12:49:02

I agree that by now I really ought to be able to entertain myself and not beg you to play with me every second in a really "in your face" way.

cheerfultrail Sun 23-Feb-14 12:55:19

I will behave at nursery (where I am apparently a little angel) as I behave at home (mess making bundle of demanding energy) and like the angel I apparently can be at home.

YarnyStasher Sun 23-Feb-14 13:02:17

Spychic hahaha! Your toddler sounds hilarious smile

PinkPeanuts Sun 23-Feb-14 13:08:57

What's that you say Mummy? No? Ok, I absolutely will stop doing this very dangerous/silly/noisy/irritating thing right now without you having to ask 1 millio times.

Mycatistoosexy Sun 23-Feb-14 13:13:24

That's right Mummy, I am tired from walking. I'm just going to pop right in the pushchair now, much better than sitting on the wet pavement screaming like a banshee.

scottishmummy Sun 23-Feb-14 13:18:44

Please may I have a hankie to wipe my manky face
Ok,I'll just nip into bed for a wee're right I'm tired

scottishmummy Sun 23-Feb-14 13:21:54

My snottery red faced howl is a disproportionate reaction to being asked are you hungry

PinkPeanuts Sun 23-Feb-14 13:26:02

Oh, I can't take home this dolly that belongs at nursery? No problem, I'll leave it here for the other children to play with without flinging myself on the floor and wailing when I'm asked to put it down. After all, it doesn't actually belong to me so of course it makes sense for it to stay here. I'll just play with it tomorrow instead.

scottishmummy Sun 23-Feb-14 13:31:10

Actually yes,you're right mum

EmotionalCrotch Sun 23-Feb-14 13:31:36

No I am not bored so of course I shall let you watch TV in peace.

Oh you need the toilet. I shall wait downstairs playing with my toys.

Night Mam.I have tidied all my toys away while you did the dishes and I am so tired I am going to bed now.

I think I will have a lie in tomorrow.

ifyourehoppyandyouknowit Sun 23-Feb-14 13:46:27

I'll just sit there nicely and watch cbeebies while mum drinks her coffee. I can tell she's in a lot of pain so I definitely won't whack her in the arm with a toy digger and demand she makes it go. And I will eat all my lunch neatly and not to throw it to the cat before wailing that I'm hungry.

Kasterborous Sun 23-Feb-14 13:53:58

'I won't get every single toy I own out then make a fuss because there is not one clear patch of floor to play on'

'No I won't put my soft body baby doll in the bath, then moan because I can't take it to bed because it's soaking wet'

tinypumpkin Sun 23-Feb-14 14:08:43

Always good to know you are not alone.....

Yes, whatever I did originally ask for lunch is what I would still like and eat. No I won't change my mind and have a tantrum because you know won't prepare a second lunch.

Of course I will tell you that I hid your swimming card in your dress pocket immediately. Obviously I won't let you empty all of your bags in reception twice having already dragged everyone back to the changing room again. I won't deny all knowledge of having had it.

ZingSweetMango Sun 23-Feb-14 14:11:22

"Now that I'm sitting on your lap I'll stop crying for you Mummy.
You are already holding and hugging and kissing me so I admit there really is no point screaching Mummy, mummy, mummy anymore"

Yes of course I understand that going for a poo must be difficult when I am sitting on you, arms around your neck, refusing to let go and crying at the same time. I will just wait outside until you finish shall I?

No thanks, I don't need seconds or thirds

DoJo Sun 23-Feb-14 14:26:30

You're right - this would all take a lot less time if I wasn't shrieking, wriggling, trying to escape and intermittently kicking you. I'll stop all that now so that we can get on with whatever we're doing next.

armsandtheman Sun 23-Feb-14 14:40:55

"Oh yes, I see now, Tigger is in the dryer because I threw him in the bowl of water when I was meant to be washing my hands. That makes perfect sense and you only have to explain it once. Silly me!"

"I understand that you need to squirt the soap on my hands from the bottle. I just don't have the coordination to do it. Thank you mummy, my hands are lovely and clean now."

"Well, I'm not that brave. It didn't really hurt at all, I just wanted your attention. Thank you for caring. I love you."

Kasterborous Sun 23-Feb-14 15:18:10

'No I won't jump in that massive patch of mud, fall over then insist you carry me for the rest of the walk, covering both of us in mud'

Kasterborous Sun 23-Feb-14 15:19:38

'Yes Mummy that is a steep slope perhaps I'd better hold your hand and not run down it at full pelt when there is no way of stopping myself other than falling over'

EmotionalCrotch Sun 23-Feb-14 15:27:08

Hmmmmm you may be right Mam. If I do that on the settee I probably will hurt my neck...

TeacupDrama Sun 23-Feb-14 15:37:44

of course I understand that my imaginary friend does not need a birthday every day

Thumbwitch Sun 23-Feb-14 15:43:23

Please put my hat on for me mummy, I don't want to get sunburn

Can I go in the playpen now please Mummy? I think I need to calm down for a while

The tablet? No I don't want to play with that thanks.

I'm sorry Mummy I didn't mean to throw water all over the floor

Of course I'm going to eat it all and not put it on the floor/through my hair/down my nappy [how does that even happen??]

No, I don't want to take the spoon thanks, I'm happy for you to do it

Wow the kitchen is really boring isn't it

Can I have the bedcovers on me now please?

I'd like to go to sleep on my own, could you go away please?

You're right, I should stop rocking this chair until it falls over and I faceplant on the floor [still waiting for this outcome...]

I'll just put all the DVDs back in the rack then, shall I?

and loads more...

cakesonatrain Sun 23-Feb-14 15:54:53

Yes mummy, I imagine you would rather watch something other than CBeebies. How's about I sit and entertain myself quietly over here for a bit while you watch your programmes?

Yes, I expect it would be better if I didnt climb all over you and my little sister while she's breastfeeding. No, I don't suppose she wants me to lean on her head. I'll carry on with whatever I was doing before I noticed she was getting more attention than me.

cakesonatrain Sun 23-Feb-14 15:58:14

Bedtime, you say? Marvellous. I'll just put these toys away and choose a story, then I'll scamper up the stairs quick quick and get in the bath with no messing about. I'll even let you wash my hair without any fuss.

scottishmummy Sun 23-Feb-14 15:59:30

Oh go own then.wash my hair,I won't scream I promise you

Thumbwitch Sun 23-Feb-14 16:06:38

Mummy my nose needs blowing

No I don't want that chocolate thanks

Milk? nah.

Yes I want my proper cup instead of your glass, I realise your glass is dangerous

No I don't want to climb onto the toilet to grab the cleaning fluids from the window sill, nor do I want to climb the bookcases, don't be silly!

scottishmummy Sun 23-Feb-14 16:15:20

On reflection.mother you're right.climbing the cd rack isn't such a good idea

Kasterborous Sun 23-Feb-14 16:19:02

'Yes I would love to sit nicely in my chair while you eat your dinner Mummy and not constantly say, bib off, get dooowwn now. Wahhh'

Kasterborous Sun 23-Feb-14 16:20:57

'Yes I should be careful while hurling myself all over the sofa, so I don't fall off and bang my head'

She's just done this for the third time today.

Kasterborous Sun 23-Feb-14 16:31:04

'I would love an apple, I want it peeled, you took too long peeling it, I don't want it now, Mummy eat it (Mummy eats it), I want my apple now'

Kasterborous Sun 23-Feb-14 16:51:50

'I won't have a screaming meltdown if you accidentally move one of my lined up cars by one millimetre'

cheerfultrail Sun 23-Feb-14 17:14:31

I will just walk calmly past the balloon display and not have a screaming fit that you won't buy me one.

Of course you can have a go on the iPad mummy and yes, of course I will stop playing my Peppa Pig game on it without howling.

I understand completely that my favourite DVD now has a crack in it because I hurled it across the room and therefore it won't now play.

in a whisper:

"That lady over there is quite large but I don't want any more details and am not going to mention it again"

SleepPleaseSleep Sun 23-Feb-14 17:50:16

'Yes I remember that just yesterday you spent ages sweeping up all the sand I'd thrown all over the patio, and sieved all the stones out of it, and filled my sandpit with it again. I'll try really hard to keep it there honest. And I won't go and fill it up with stones again.' Sigh. This is a regular job now. What is it with stones?

Kasterborous Sun 23-Feb-14 18:11:16

'I will try and keep some of the water in my bath and not splash and chuck it all over the bathroom'

SleepPleaseSleep Sun 23-Feb-14 18:13:37

'I understand that no means no, and yes means yes, and ne'er the twain shall meet. I further recognise that continuing to persist will result in an annoyed mummy. Since I don't want that I shall cease and desist immediately.' - a good general rule that is never unbroken in toddlerdom. Or childdom for that matter!

babyhinder Sun 23-Feb-14 18:54:43

My son always washes his hands after going to the toilet
his nursery teachers always tell me he's been washing his hands
for most of the day because he enjoys it he must be the cleanest
toddler I know as he is obsessed with the bath and shower too
but I agree with the comment MotherOfDragon made about hair washing.
He also asks to go to bed at bedtime and sometimes even before
but on the odd occasion he will say no to bedtime.He also
doesn't draw on the walls but he is a nightmare for climbing on everything.
He also prefers my plate to his own.
He can also walk for at least an hour before getting tired
He loves lie ins so I'm constantly having to wake him up
He's just turned 2 maybe I have a little angel after all smile

TheChimpParadox Sun 23-Feb-14 19:13:40

You'll pay for it when he's a teenager wink

Smartiepants79 Sun 23-Feb-14 19:15:53

What? Brush my teeth? I'd love to, thank you mummy.

No, of course I understand that you are hungry and tired, so I don't really need you to snuggle with me for hours. You go right ahead and go downstairs for your tea.

No, I definitely don't need that exact toy right now just because my sister is playing with it. Especially as I have paid it no attention what so ever for months.

Kasterborous Sun 23-Feb-14 19:25:12

'Look Mummy I'm being careful'

Lovelybunchofcocopops Sun 23-Feb-14 19:31:25

Yes, I will sit in the stroller with no fuss as I can see it is raining/we are running late, and I appreciate that my snails pace walking style will only make us both wetter/later.!

BlessedAssurance Sun 23-Feb-14 19:32:08

mercedes your DC can move in with me. I eat a jam and cheese sandwich. Infact i had one this morning. Very normal in Norway..

BlessedAssurance Sun 23-Feb-14 19:39:41

Since you have spend the whole day catering to my every need and daddybis now home. I will leave the two of you alone and eat my dinner in quietly so thst the two of you can have an uninterrupted chat for one second.

To be fair on her she we have no problems with getting dressed, eating or tantrums. The only issue is she wants ALL of our attention at all times and that can be tiring. Much to do with DC2 on the way though but all in all i have a very laid back easy going toddler.

BlessedAssurance Sun 23-Feb-14 19:42:06

babyhinder wait til he is 4 then come back and tell ussmile.

2Bornot2B Sun 23-Feb-14 20:21:35

DS2 could not pronounce "tr...": it always came out as "f...". Thus, trees were fees, trouble was fubble and trucks were a problem (esp as he always wanted them)! blush

LaTrucha Sun 23-Feb-14 20:21:58

IMO two is nothing. I've never understood people going on about the terrible twos. Three: now there you're talking. And four. And most of five.

Of course I'll wear my own suitable winter hat, and not Daddy's enormous, filthy, smelly black hooligan hat that comes down over my eyes and makes all the passers-by tut-tut at your shameful mothering skills, Mum. Of course.

bakewelltartandcustard Sun 23-Feb-14 20:37:26

Yes I'll let Daddy dress me while you are feeding the baby.
Dog poo? No, I didn't walk in dog poo.
I'll scoot all the way and not want to be carried.
Just a tiny slice of cake, please. Smaller than my brother's slice.

TheChimpParadox Sun 23-Feb-14 20:37:47

I feel rather nauseous - would you mind fetching a bowl I wouldn't want to ruin the carpet oh and a glass of water please.

TooExtraImmatureCheddar Sun 23-Feb-14 20:39:31

I'll stop climbing on the sink, turning the taps on and 'washing up' now. I understand that you don't want the worktop and floor flooded more than once a day.

Yes, Mummy, you're right. Hamilton the pig and his fucking hats is not the best story I own. I will stop making you read it 4 times in quick succession every single day. If it mysteriously disappears again I will not rummage down the back of the sofa and pull it out.

ZingSweetMango Sun 23-Feb-14 20:42:17

"It was me"

Let me just grab a tissue and wipe my nose before I give you a kiss.

Wow! That apple/pear/toast is just right, exactly how I like it!

HoratiaDrelincourt Sun 23-Feb-14 20:50:45

Zing my 2yo gleefully claims all his farts. He also claims most of his misdeeds, in a detached "fancy that, I deliberately drew on the chair" kind of way hmm

Rowingdowntheriver Sun 23-Feb-14 20:50:47

No, of course I won't sit on my baby brother. That would be a daft thing to do. What on earth gave you the idea that I was considering it?

RandallFloyd Sun 23-Feb-14 20:52:46

That lovely old lady over there you mean? The one who's face lit up when she caught sight of my beautiful big eyes, long eyelashes and fabulous chubby cheeks? Yes, of course, I'd love to smile at her, maybe have a little chat.

No, of course I won't hide my face and give her a look out of the corner of my eye that will make her feel like a social pariah. Nor will I recoil at her outstretched arm as if she is covered in scales.

She seems lovely, it's great to be able to make someone's day isn't it.

ZingSweetMango Sun 23-Feb-14 20:57:11



how's baby btw? was thinking of you just yesterday!

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone Sun 23-Feb-14 20:59:12

'Now that you mention it, they are exactly the same, so I'll be happy to have either.'

'You need the loo? I'll stay here and give you some privacy. No, do take your time.'

GiraffesAndButterflies Sun 23-Feb-14 21:01:09

DD is a bit young for this but:
Yes, I should be asleep now shouldn't I? I will lie down and close my eyes instead of whirling around and around my cot like the sodding Duracell bunny.

ohmymimi Sun 23-Feb-14 21:01:24

Sprouts? Yum!

ZingSweetMango Sun 23-Feb-14 21:02:44


you will never hear me say that either!grin

"Oh, yes, mummy, you are correct. Four in the morning is too early to wake up and watch Fireman Sam. I will go back to sleep now, instead of poking you in the face every five seconds asking if Sam is on yet."

Proper LOL at ""I have no strong feelings either way, mummy."

HawkeyeInChaos Sun 23-Feb-14 21:27:13

I accept that you know much more than me mummy, and that if you tell me that the thing that flew overhead was an aeroplane, then I will accept that and not repeatedly insist that it was a helicopter.

You're driving mummy. Of course you can't give me a cuddle, retrieve my teddy from the floor, or magic a drink of water from thin air whilst you are doing so. It would be foolish of me to even ask. I'll wait until we get to our destination.

You haven't got any yoghurt? Ok, I'll stop asking for one and choose something else.

Kasterborous Sun 23-Feb-14 21:56:09

'If you give me the entire bag of crisps Mummy, I will keep tight hold of them and not immediately drop them all over the pavement, then have a massive strop because I can't eat them because they are all over the pavement'

fairylightsatchristmas Sun 23-Feb-14 22:20:08

no no mummy, its fine that you cut up my food like I asked you too and I in no way now expect you to be able to fix it.

no mummy, it makes perfect sense for you to flush the toilet when it seems I had forgotten, I absolutely won't have a screaming meltdown for twenty minutes about wanting my poo back

Yes it is your TV too - here's the remote..101 for the news yes?

HoratiaDrelincourt Sun 23-Feb-14 22:26:12

Ah thanks Zing. He's three months old and 17lb.

So in the spirit of this thread...

"Milk? Nah. I had some only an hour ago."


<somehow still fat> hmm

Inertia Sun 23-Feb-14 22:26:33

Reins- what an excellent idea for keeping me safe!

BettyStogs Sun 23-Feb-14 22:27:33

Yes mummy you're right - 5:30 am is still night time and I suppose I don't need to go downstairs for breakfast right now. I'll go straight back to sleep now, so sorry for disturbing you.

Jaffakake Sun 23-Feb-14 22:29:27

I agree, the theme tune to 'Thomas and Friends' is the most annoying and potentially madness inducing piece of 'music' ever created.

I'd love a quick shower instead of a bath (that I'll not want to get into & then refuse to get out of.)

Mydelilah Sun 23-Feb-14 22:39:39

That was a full, complete and satisfactory answer to my question, I have no further questions...

I don't mind which pants/trousers/tshirt or shoes I wear today, they are all my favourites

Purplelooby Sun 23-Feb-14 22:48:20

'Ah thank you Mummy for bringing the extra milk that I insisted on. Now I'll drink it rather than tipping it on the cat'

'I remember, last time I hit the cat she scratched me so I definitely won't hit her again'

Hhhhhmmmm 'what's that I hear, the microwave? OK I'll sit here quietly until it pings and I definitely won't throw a tantrum because my milk isn't ready'

'I agree, the cat is overweight and really doesn't need more than 3 treats tonight'

'Since Daddy was at work the last 35 times I asked you, I won't bother asking again'

'No you're right, that noise probably isn't a helicopter so don't bother picking me up to the window'

thinking101 Sun 23-Feb-14 22:55:47

It's ok mummy I know you've read Cock A Moo Moo lots of times, I'll find another book.

Purplelooby Sun 23-Feb-14 23:02:41

'Since the book Dave makes me cry everytime you get to the page where he farts, I'd prefer a different book this bedtime'

'High-pitched screaming in Sainsbury's cafe is sooooo yesterday'

Rowingdowntheriver Mon 24-Feb-14 05:48:26

Am so pleased to discover my toddler is normal!

SleepPleaseSleep Mon 24-Feb-14 08:23:31

School (kindergarten) morning joys:

'Since I really really want to take my doll's pram to school I realise we have to get out earlier than usual, so I will cooperate to the fullest and be as quick as possible'.

'After the few hundred school mornings we've had already i realise that I need to keep still while you're fixing my hair the way I asked. I won't wriggle and twist like an electric eel but claim I'm being still at all.'

'Of course little brother can hold that toy. I'm holding this one, and my pram, after all.'

'Certainly I won't ram little brother with my pram. How uncivilised. The very idea!'

EwanHoozami Mon 24-Feb-14 08:45:50

"You're right Mummy - the fact that we're walking down Glastonbury High Street does not automatically mean that every woman we walk past is a witch, and I would not dream of loudly insinuating that they are"

Finnbheara Mon 24-Feb-14 08:54:11

Oh, so the tongue up the nose thing is not attractive? Okay I will stop doing it and blow my nose nicely like any other child.

I am a big girl now and understand cause and effect, and wholeheartedly agree with Einstein that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing again and again and expecting a different outcome.

This is why, standing up for the tenth time in a row in my cot, I will not fling myself backwards shouting 'weeeeeeee!' and then scream blue murder when I clonk my head. Again.

I agree, Playdough is not a food. Nor is my twin.

If my sister jumped off a cliff I DEFINITELY would not jump too.

I am fully aware that pudding comes AFTER my main course. That seems eminently reasonable.

I love brushing my teeth. I will exert maximum effort and not just suck the paste off my brush. I want to have lovely, shiny, clean teeth like a tiger.

Oh PLEASE shampoo my hair Mummy. PLEASE!

I have a rudimentary grasp of maths now, and understand the fact there are two of me and my twin and only one of you Mummy. Each of us having one of your knees makes a huge amount of sense. As does you reading a book to us both at the same time. Look! We can both see it!

Ledkr Mon 24-Feb-14 10:24:13

Oh it's still seems dark, yes I'm right, therefore it must not be the morning so I won't wake anyone up, ill just settle down until its morning.

Of course tomato soup isn't a normal breakfast item! What was I thinking, yes porridge it is please.

Great, let's try it your way.

borndizzy Mon 24-Feb-14 12:11:38

we have a similar problem with the inability to pronounce 'cl' (it comes out as 'c') and repeatedly pointing and shouting at clocks....

ifyourehoppyandyouknowit Mon 24-Feb-14 12:30:14

You're right mum, I should probably eat these carrot sticks rather than the just using one of them as a vehicle to get the humus in my mouth.

Kasterborous Mon 24-Feb-14 12:30:31

At playgroup this morning 'yes Mummy I want to go and play inside now, no I won't want to go back outside the second you get my hat and coat off, no I won't want to go back inside after you have put my coat and hat back on and we have set one foot outside. I won't repeat it ten times, until I make my mind up'

beela Mon 24-Feb-14 13:05:41

"Shall I go and play quietly with some of my toys?"

"I think I'll have a lie-in tomorrow, it is the weekend after all, and I am rather tired."

"Would you like to have one of your programmes on the tv?"

cottoncandy Mon 24-Feb-14 13:49:11

Oh please do wipe my snotty nose for me, thank you mummy.

Kasterborous Mon 24-Feb-14 13:53:41

'I will never change my mind which biscuit I want'

bragmatic Mon 24-Feb-14 13:57:46

"It's 3am. Hmmm, I'll just lie here quietly until I drop off again."

bragmatic Mon 24-Feb-14 13:58:20

It's probably better to poo in the toilet, rather than the bath, or my pants.

pasbeaucoupdegendarme Mon 24-Feb-14 13:58:20

Of course I do want the food I asked for! Whoever heard of a child who was so silly as to ask for food and then not eat it?!

Time to get out of the bath, you say? I shall stand up to let you lift me safely out.

Your back is aching because you have been holding me all morning? You should have said! I'd have been more than happy pottering around on the floor while you got on with the housework using both your hands!

Kasterborous Mon 24-Feb-14 14:15:08

'Of course I will share my chocolate with my fellow toddler'

ThomasLynn Mon 24-Feb-14 15:01:12

"Oh, Mummy, you look exhausted! I'll go to bed nice and early so you can have lots of sleep."

"Mummy dearest, I have been a good little girl and allowed the cats to eat their breakfast unmolested. I even stopped the bossy one from eating the stupid one's food!"

"It's alright, I won't do a tiny little piddle in my knickers and then scream for a nappy so I can do the rest. I'll go in the you-beaut potty you took me to Toys'r'us to choose in the hopes that I'd cease this ridiculous behaviour."

"You've not finished your tea. I'll leave you alone until you stop looking like a pink-haired zombie."

kaffkooks Mon 24-Feb-14 15:23:22

"What I'm eating is a lot better than what you have on your plate."

"I will explain exactly what is bothering me so as you can help sort it out."

"Yes, of course you can go to the toilet on your own while I play with my toys."

Kasterborous Mon 24-Feb-14 15:26:01

'I won't unravel the entire loo roll while trying to pull a piece off for you'

Downtheroadfirstonleft Mon 24-Feb-14 15:27:15

"Yes Mummy, I understand that my older brother wasn't put on this Earth purely to be at my beck and call every time I need help with my iPad game."

"Yes, one can really have too much of Ben and Holly".

"Please may I retire now as I'm feeling a little fatigued...". Ok, no one talks like that, but you get my drift.

LOVE his thread!

PseudoBadger Mon 24-Feb-14 15:30:14

I'm tired, so I'll just go to sleep then smile

MrsNutella Mon 24-Feb-14 15:53:31

Oh I see, that is raw minced beef that you are going to cook for dinner. Yes, you're right, it isn't a suitable toy for me. Why on earth would I want to play with raw meat?!

Yes trying to climb into the kitchen cupboards is dangerous. I won't do it anymore.

LaGuardia Mon 24-Feb-14 15:53:43

'Yes, Mummy, as it is someone else's garden I had better not walk on the flowerbeds'.

MrsSparkles Mon 24-Feb-14 16:05:06

Yes Mummy - of course Daddy can put me to bed/in the car seat seat/give me my bath.

I agree it's a very good idea to turn the TV off for while

I think I've had enough chocolate for today.

Although I am obviously very lucky as my toddler does say I'm tired, it's bedtime now mummy.

TooExtraImmatureCheddar Mon 24-Feb-14 16:09:28

Yes, I totally understand why you won't give me another tuna sandwich after I ate one bite of the first one and then threw the whole thing down for the dog. I will not scream 'More!' and cry. In fact, I will eat the tuna sandwich nicely from now on. That means you won't have to try me with a bit of last night's dinner instead. However, if you did try me with last night's dinner, I would eat it at once and not arch backwards to get away from it while screaming 'No!'.

Why would I want to stand on your knee and bounce while you eat your lunch, having totally given up on trying to get me to eat anything? That sounds silly. So does pulling your crumby plate out from under your sandwich when you aren't paying attention to me, causing you to drop tomato down your front.

<traumatised by lunch>

Yes, I do understand that your money is finite and you can't buy me every toy in the shop. After all, where would I put them?

Kasterborous Mon 24-Feb-14 17:27:14

'Please don't tickle my shoulders I hate it' (DD has been saying all afternoon 'tickle my shoulders Mummy' then laughing her head off) grin

HoneyandRum Mon 24-Feb-14 18:25:24

Yes mummy I'll get straight in the car, there's absolutely no need for me to lug two bags and a bucket of soft toys and paraphalia with me everywhere.

Alternatively, it is absolutely fine with me if you carry them to speed things up a bit.

HoneyandRum Mon 24-Feb-14 18:26:52


bakewelltartandcustard Mon 24-Feb-14 19:12:20

Oooh yes, I'd love to be a pageboy in a cute little suit. I won't drop the rings or take my trousers off in church, I'm a big boy now.
You can photograph me kissing the bridesmaids and this time I won't drink everybody's dregs and throw up.
No, I don't need to take my digger and my fire engine and 4 Macdonald's toys to the wedding.

leftangle Mon 24-Feb-14 19:40:26

You won that game. Well done Mummy!

Kasterborous Mon 24-Feb-14 19:57:27

Sounds like he had a good time at the wedding Bakewell!

noarguments Mon 24-Feb-14 20:16:00

Toddler days are long gone, but these are making me howl.... mind you I could probably start a thread of things you'll never hear a preteen or teen say either - astonishingly some of them are similar.

Kasterborous Mon 24-Feb-14 21:12:47

norarguments there is a thread at the moment on what teenagers will never say. It's where I pinched the idea for this thread from.

hoppingmad Mon 24-Feb-14 21:31:09

Noarguements, I have 2 toddlers, a teen and a preteen and sometimes I forget which is which with the way they behave!

Smartiepants79 Mon 24-Feb-14 21:47:02

Of course it's fine if Daddy comes and sorts me out in the middle of the night. That's just fine Mummy, you stay in bed.

And following on from that...

Why would I need you to put my duvet cover on, find my snuggle... After all I am 3 now.

ClovisWrites Mon 24-Feb-14 21:48:19

"Oh I'm sorry, you're on the loo, I'll give you some privacy."

TiredyMcTired Mon 24-Feb-14 21:50:05

You can have 5 minutes peace as I can see you don't feel well! I'll entertain myself.

I don't want to know Why

I understand the portable potty is for emergencies (and I should really go when you tell me mummy) I shouldn't fool you by saying I need a wee and then doing an enormous stinky poo in it while Mummy is in a posh shops changing rooms.

Why on earth would I want to howl like I'm being murdered when you try to put cream on my rash? Ridiculous notion!

That's not mine? Oh, OK then!

Oooooo Mummy, my dinner looks delicious!

I don't want to watch telly, it's boring.

BasketzatDawn Mon 24-Feb-14 22:07:52

'Mummy/daddy dear, I appear to have chucked my new shoes/gloves/glasses/one of my socks over the side of the pram/buggy. I thought it would be helpful to tell you before we got a mile up the road'.

Kasterborous Mon 24-Feb-14 22:22:53

DD once, just once asked to go for a nap! I was really excited, we got to her cot and she refused to go in it. I thought it was too good to be true.

AmandinePoulain Tue 25-Feb-14 07:58:07

Please could you pass me my colouring book mummy? I have a sudden urge to scribble and I wouldn't want to do it on the table/dsis' book/this library book.

No, I think today I won't pour my milk all over my highchair and then rub my hands all over the puddle, I'd get my clean clothes wet and you would have to mop the floor. No, today I'll just sit and drink it with minimal mess mummy.

Would you be so kind as to help me with my yoghurt? I know that usually I shout ask you to help me and then scream when you try to take the spoon but I won't do that anymore. I've also decided to give up wriggling and screaming when you pick me up to cross the road, I can see now that you are only trying to keep me safe.

And things my 6yo would never say : ok mum, today I'll let dsis play with her toys without trying to get involved. I can see she's happy to play there quietly on her own at the moment so I won't snatch that character off her, I'll play with some of my own, more age appropriate toys.

Kasterborous Tue 25-Feb-14 09:09:53

'I wouldn't dream of running across the road without you Mummy and scaring you to death. In future I will hold your hand very nicely without making a fuss'

Ginger4justice Tue 25-Feb-14 09:51:16

You know, the cake doesn't taste different, the baby gate is still open, and my nappy is successfully changed if Daddy does it. I will not have a huge tantrum just because he wants to parent me too, but then whine when he goes to work. I can see why that would make him a bit sad and mummy very tired.

KateSMumsnet (MNHQ) Tue 25-Feb-14 10:56:09

These are all so very excellent. We've made a page of some of the best ones. Perhaps print them out and show them to the DC as inspiration? One can dream...

Kasterborous Tue 25-Feb-14 12:27:17

Ginger I can complety agree and empathise on that one, with regards to Daddy!

Like this one 'yes Mummy I can hand Daddy my water beaker when I have finished with it, especially when he's sat right next to me, rather then crossing the room to give it to you'

Kasterborous Tue 25-Feb-14 12:29:33

Put it in classics mumsnet you know you want too wink then I can show DD when she's older!

I didn't laugh like a drain this morning when I pinched my brothers Frube yogurt when you weren't looking, had a massive meltdown when I couldn't get the top off, threw it on the floor and it exploded. On the carpet. I might have put my hands in it. I might have put my hands on the settee. And the wall. And the dog. And my clothes so you had yo dress me - again. Sorry.

Jellyboobs Tue 25-Feb-14 13:27:27

"Of course I will carry the jelly all the way home without trying to eat it and screaming if you try and take it away."

"Yes, you're right Mummy, that bag of shopping you're struggling to carry will of course be too heavy for ME to carry, I will stop screaming that you give it to me RIGHT NOW."

"Now I have stopped demanding to carry the shopping, I won't insist to be 'up with mummy' and sing jelly on plate while wriggling all the way up that very steep hill to our house."

"You know, all this would have been much easier if I had just got into the pushchair in the first place wouldn't it mummy, I think I'll do that next time."

Thank you mums of mumsnet with your toddlers that do all the same things as my toddler and made me cry with laughter after spending the morning thinking I was a disaster because dd does the hair thing, the nappy thing, the food thing, the nap thing, the toy thing.....

Time for wine.

YouAreTalkingRubbish Tue 25-Feb-14 13:37:46

Great memes MNHQ grin

A lot of these would work just as well in the things my teenager would never say thread. confused

'Mum, I wonder what the weather will be like today, I would like to dress appropriately'

drivenfromdistraction Tue 25-Feb-14 13:39:33

Let's put my eczema cream on now, Mummy! It's probably easiest if I stand quietly like this and don't scream/wriggle/lash out, isn't it?

ZingSweetMango Tue 25-Feb-14 13:44:08

"Yes, I won't be underfoot risking you tripping over me and possibly hurting both of us.
I'll just wait patiently while you are hurrying to make my juice and a won't cry as I can see it doesn't make you go faster or feel calmer"

VictorianDaddy Tue 25-Feb-14 14:47:23

I don't WANT to be a dinosaur!

Remind me again: which is the really gentle, quiet dinosaur?

Dino Dan is rubbish. What else is on?

Aarghh, Dinopaws? <rolls eyes> Can't we just watch the news?

Oh, FGS, Daddy. If I have to sit through Walking With Dinosaurs again I swear I will have a major tantrum.

I've finished with that Dinosaur book that Granddad helpfully bought me. You may now put it into storage.

Kasterborous Tue 25-Feb-14 14:59:22

VictorianDaddy I take it your toddler just hates dinosaurs grin

Kasterborous Tue 25-Feb-14 15:06:07

'No I won't insist on taking one of my bigger toys in my cot while I have a nap, because there won't be much room for me'

AmyMumsnet (MNHQ) Tue 25-Feb-14 15:42:27


Put it in classics mumsnet you know you want too wink then I can show DD when she's older!

Your wish is our command...!

MissOtisRegretsMadam Tue 25-Feb-14 15:52:11

Yes mummy of course I can still eat my Babybel now it has toast crumbs on it because I put it on my toast plate even though you gave it to me in a separate dish. Why on earth would I need to scream at you to take the toast crumbs off it... That would just be rather rude and slightly neurotic.

Thumbwitch Tue 25-Feb-14 16:06:59

No of course I don't mind while you play on your computer instead of paying attention to me 100% of the day, and naturally I won't be pushing all the keys on your laptop keyboard, including the power button, to get you to stop!

I'm sorry Mummy, I didn't realise throwing my food was such a nuisance, I will instantly cease and desist.

Oh is my dropping of my water bottle onto the floor for the 1000th time annoying you? I won't do it any more then.

ZingSweetMango Tue 25-Feb-14 16:14:59

I bet you are glad I'm consistent and predictable in what I want.
It's an added bonus that I'm able to articulate my thoughts without having to impresonate an ambulance/animals.
often simultaneously

Kasterborous Tue 25-Feb-14 16:20:25

Thanks AmyMumsnet grin DD is going to be hearing of this thread when she's older.

'No Mummy I won't leave my water beaker upended on the sofa with the spout open without you noticing, and pointing towards your bum so it makes you think you wet yourself'

EmotionalCrotch Tue 25-Feb-14 18:02:00

I promise to play quietly Mam and not run around giving you a near heart attack every time I narrowly miss the furniture or door frames.

bakewelltartandcustard Tue 25-Feb-14 18:35:05

Poor Mummy, you've been sat on the toilet crying for ages! I don't know what piles are but I'm going to help. First I'm going to get the new baby out of her basket and play with her...

ZingSweetMango Tue 25-Feb-14 19:09:54

the red cup will do.

BikeRunSki Tue 25-Feb-14 20:03:28

I think I would like to eat my tea. I am hungry from not eating for three days, and it will help me sleep all night so you can drive home safely from Granny's tommorow. It is a long journey and I agree, there is only so much Red Bull one person can drink.

Mydelilah Tue 25-Feb-14 20:21:42

Of course I don't want to wear my uv swimsuit on the walk to collect Dsis from school - that would be ridiculous it's February!

tasteslikechicken Tue 25-Feb-14 20:41:54

Yes, I know! You don't have to state the bloody obvious, I'm not a child FFS!

Kasterborous Tue 25-Feb-14 21:08:14

'Yes you can finish making your cup of tea before you read me this book, I don't need you to read it RIGHT NOW'

Patchouli Tue 25-Feb-14 21:40:24

Daddy do it

I'd best not stamp in that- these aren't my Wellies

Could you put my hat back on please

Tortoiseonthehalfshell Wed 26-Feb-14 00:21:17

Actually, could you do this task for me? It'll be so much faster that way.

I expect dinner will be delicious. I'll save these crackers for afterwards so as not to ruin my appetite.

tumbletumble Wed 26-Feb-14 06:43:03

You're right Mummy, it's better if important items are left where they belong. I certainly wouldn't dream of putting your mobile in the washing machine. Or the home phone in the microwave. Or your purse in the kitchen bin. Or your credit card in my toy box...

YarnyStasher Wed 26-Feb-14 07:37:10

I see DSis is waiting in the buggy for us to go out. Do not worry, mother, I shall get my shoes on speedily without a fuss because I wouldn't want my sister to be waiting there for too long.

LaTrucha Wed 26-Feb-14 08:37:02

Mummy, I do understand that you won't want to spend your hard-earned money at the petting zoo that you promised to take me to today quite as much if I tantrum about thirty things this morning. I'll just let you get everything ready, and then we'll go.

ZingSweetMango Wed 26-Feb-14 09:14:39

no hugs while you are pouring boiling water?
ok, that's quite sensible actually

YarnyStasher Wed 26-Feb-14 09:17:39

I don't want to talk about trains today. And I certainly won't cry for 30 minutes if you don't let me watch Thomas.

nobodysawmedoit Wed 26-Feb-14 09:38:21

Look Mummy, I made lunch for both of us. Sorry for tucking in already, it's just that I don't want to be late for my nap. You know how I get terribly tired and cross.

In a hurry? Why didn't you say so? Here, let me get in the pushchair and put on my shoes and coat while you get the keys. I found them down the sofa so I put them right back on the hall table for you.

Thank you.

nobodysawmedoit Wed 26-Feb-14 09:41:11

Put your phone in the toilet? What a ridiculous idea. I wouldn't dream of it.

How mortifying to think I might have inadvertently embarrassed you in public. I absolutely will never do THAT again.

weebarra Wed 26-Feb-14 11:34:16

Yes, I understand that having cleaned the toilet with my toothbrush I really should dispose of said toothbrush.

MoominsYonisAreScary Wed 26-Feb-14 11:58:28

Of course im not going to stand in the potty, that would be stupid! Especially as I would then have to cry for half an hour as my feet Would be wet

beancounting Wed 26-Feb-14 12:48:26

Hmm, I'm a bit thirsty but as it's the middle of the night I think I'll just help myself to this sippy cup someone thoughtfully placed by my bed. No need to wake the whole household when I can do it myself.

I find Disney princesses a bit too pink and sparkly tbh, I think I'd like to dress up as a pirate today instead.

Mummy, I can see the baby is tired and hungry so I think it would be a good idea if you fed her and put her to bed, while Daddy gives me a bath and cleans my teeth. After all, I haven't seen him all day so it would be nice to catch up.

Bumpsadaisie Wed 26-Feb-14 13:14:19

"D'you know what, Mum, I thought something major was wrong - I was going to start wailing and screaming, but actually, I realise I'm just a little bit tired, that's all. A little lie down and I will be right as rain again. Night!"

tumbletumble Wed 26-Feb-14 13:50:28

I see that my big sister has a friend over to play. It would be nice if I left them to play together without interfering. I wouldn't want to spoil things for them.

Kasterborous Wed 26-Feb-14 14:31:40

'Of course I won't throw myself on the pavement because I can't get on the bus that has just gone past, especially when we aren't even waiting for a bus'

ZingSweetMango Wed 26-Feb-14 14:52:53

ok, I get it, bits of tissue paper up my nose is not a good game.

FamiliesShareGerms Thu 27-Feb-14 00:00:43

It's OK, I'll eat the broken biscuit. After all it tastes the same and it will be missing a corner anyway once I start to munch it. And that banana with a tiny bit of black in it is fine too.

bellini1 Thu 27-Feb-14 07:10:04

Oh thank you mummy , I love having my nose/face cleaned. It's pure joy.

An biscuit? No mummy that's unhealthy . I would prefer a super healthy vegan snack that you've spent ages making and bought lots of fancy ingredients for.

You are so right. Unplugging everything electrical is naughty and annoying .

Kasterborous Thu 27-Feb-14 14:35:49

'Of course I will get off the swing without making any fuss at all, after all that other little girl wants a turn and I have been hogging it'

couldthisbeit Thu 27-Feb-14 18:11:23

I have been thinking mum, I completely understand that as you enter your 13th hour of looking after me as I potty train, and weaning my teething baby brother, you are at your lowest energy level and I won't therefore become even louder and more bouncy for the next hour until bedtime.....

YarnyStasher Thu 27-Feb-14 18:33:38

As I'm not feeling well, I'll just curl up on the sofa watching a movie this afternoon. Then, an early bedtime would be lovely because I know sleep is the best medicine.

vladthedisorganised Thu 27-Feb-14 19:23:30

You take your time, Mum. No rush whatsoever.

Kasterborous Mon 03-Mar-14 20:28:54

'Your right mummy I can't carry my four big dinosaurs and four cars upstairs on my own. Can you help me please'.

Of course I won't attempt to stand up and poo mummy, I remember how horribly wrong that went this morning and I know you don't appreciate having to clean the toilet, floor and side of the wall with disinfectant yet again today.

I'm not going to stand on the window sill and give the old lady across the road another heart attack causing her to race over and knock frantically on the door while you're in the toilet mummy, even though the window is closed I know how dangerous it is. There's absolutely no chance of that happening again.

Yes I understand the wall is wet with paint and it would be ridiculous to touch it and make pink hand prints all over the new carpet that don't come out.

(This all happened today, how do I get through the next five hours without someone being killed?!?)

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