I made a complete tit of myself today and cannot stop cringing. Pat my shoulder

(232 Posts)
Gatekeeper Wed 20-Nov-13 16:49:17

...and say "there there"

In meeting today and part of it was a discussion about personal illnesses or conditions each of us has/had. I mentioned that most of my family - female side has an underactive thyroid and that I have yearly blood tests as mine is slowly getting there. I said "Thyroid" about ten times

Only I didn't...

I said "prostate" and wondered why the rest of them were looking at me like this hmm. I clocked what I'd said and said "No, not my prostate, my thryoid. I am actually a women, at least my husband thinks so" ending on a horrible, whinnying haw haw laugh that I haven't heard before.

Ended up doing a comedy wipe of my face, and knocked my glasses off, where they landed on the middle of the floor. I said "shite" when this happened and not quietly either.

Dear God...not one of them cracked a smile or reacted- just looked at me for a split second and then started talking about something else

CRINGE CRINGE CRINGE..I am squirming in my seat just thinking about it

runningonwillpower Wed 20-Nov-13 16:52:46

Today's cringe is tomorrow's anecdote.

We all have our cringes to bear.

So, there there.

Second time this week I've had to go in the stationery cupboard at work because i'm laughing so much i've got tears running down my face grin

Poor you but ohhh my god the comedy face wipe and knocking glasses off KILLED me grin

There there... Oops!

cantthinkofanythingwitty Wed 20-Nov-13 16:53:53

There there*pats head*

That is brilliant and really just brightened up my dull day grin

FourFlapjacksPlease Wed 20-Nov-13 16:54:43

oh god sorry Gatekeeper but that really made me laugh!

It is exactly the sort of thing I do all the time and is reassuring that I am not alone. It's the lack of reaction that makes it so much cringier isn't it?

Have a manly slap on the back from me grin

SarahStrattonTurkeyTime Wed 20-Nov-13 16:55:04

Wankers. How could they not appreciate what an awesome comedic moment you provided shock

MargueriteLeChou Wed 20-Nov-13 16:57:33

There there Gatekeeper, it's not your fault they were miserable buggers.

It's actually quite funny grin

This kind of thing happens to me all the time. I'm dysphasic (getting better). No-one ever laughs sad

Sorry but im laughing so hard my prostate hurts.
Hooe youre ok. Miserable lot.

Sorry Gatekeeper but it is actually quite funny.
Did you do an Eric Morecambe glasses wiggle too?

onlysettleforbutterflies Wed 20-Nov-13 17:00:21

That made me laugh out loud sorry, if nothing else, at least you have made someone laugh today!

HaggertyF Wed 20-Nov-13 17:01:10

Thank you so much for brightening up a crap afternoon at work.

Your embarrassment was not in vain. thanks

Lemongrab Wed 20-Nov-13 17:01:14

There there <pats Gatekeeper's shoulder>

I admit that really made me laugh!

Don't worry, I'm sure they've forgotten about it by now, and just think, you're in good company with the likes of Bridget Jones and Miranda grin

TheNunsOfGavarone Wed 20-Nov-13 17:01:52

Oh Gatekeeper grin here's a big pat for your shoulder!

What a boring twunch of bunts you must work with, not to crack even a smile!

I do know what you mean about when a horrible sound comes out of you that you haven't heard before! Not fun.

Time and hopefully this thread too, will make you feel better!

Roomfor1more Wed 20-Nov-13 17:15:48

Oh dear what a pack of dry arse wallys! Just think though you will look back and laugh, I promise. At least you never kicked a stray piece of underwear from the leg of your trousers across your workplace floor in front of your boss and half your colleagues................................ Not that it never happened to me like blush

Sorry that happened...

But you made me laugh!

I have asked the hairdresser for a "blowjob" before :0

myalteregosaysmiow Wed 20-Nov-13 17:22:11

In situations like this I fail to see how no one can laugh! It would make it 100 times better if they could have a giggle with you about it, what serious periods <feeling very mature today and losing the ability to rhyme> I've found myself in many a similar situation, many pats and a big grin !

I would have laughed

And thrown in an " Fuck, i always make a dick of myself too" - slightly too loudly so that everyone would have thought I was a right tosser too blush

nicename Wed 20-Nov-13 17:25:39

Wahahahaha!

Almost as good as my mum announcing loudly to a hospital ward that my dad had a 'genital condition' (and not a CONgential condition). We laughed anyway.

Mandy2003 Wed 20-Nov-13 17:30:03

Sorry you have to work with such a bunch of swivel eyed loons. Pat, pat, pat.

mrsWast Wed 20-Nov-13 17:30:38

ohgodohgodohgod.

on my first day at a new job i was <THIS> close to asking a director when he had met William Shatner.

in the split second before i opened my mouth i realised the photograph was, in fact, of his wife.

RhondaJean Wed 20-Nov-13 17:30:42

Are you my best friend grin cos she does this all the time!

Best one was when she declared loudly in a packed cafe that if she would ever have a son she would call him...

Wanker.

She meant mark.

She's lovely. Don't be embarrassed!

RandallFloyd Wed 20-Nov-13 17:33:54

Oh I'm sorry but fucking hell that's funny.
I don't often lol but that's a doozy.

What do you do for an encore, trip over your feet and land faced down in the MD's lap?

If tried to give sympathy and head pats I fear I would come across as less than genuine.

Soz and all that.

<helpful>

WaitMonkey Wed 20-Nov-13 17:34:14

grin Amazing.

Gatekeeper Wed 20-Nov-13 17:38:09

mrswast grin

ghostinthetardis Wed 20-Nov-13 17:39:09

Thank you for sharing
grin
Oh and there there.

Hahahahahaaaa

Sorry, OP, that is just hilarious grin

Miserable gits. So much comedy wasted on them.

CharlieAlphaKiloEcho Wed 20-Nov-13 17:46:45

Rhonda Wanker? How on earth did she get Wanker from Mark?

CharlieAlphaKiloEcho Wed 20-Nov-13 17:48:13

Oh and "there there" OP.

(I bet one of them has written 'DRUGS??' next to your name on their notes though)

MammaTJ Wed 20-Nov-13 17:48:53

I would have laughed at with you!! grin

LineRunner Wed 20-Nov-13 17:51:54

Oh ffs I actually hurt laughing. Gatekeeper, you are wonderful.

TotallyBursar Wed 20-Nov-13 18:14:22

I was just reading through thinking 'Well that's not too bad, every one gets words confused sometimes' and then I got to the comedy gold.

There, there. You sound great and they sound like arse parts for not taking the heat off you a bit. Comedy face wipe - that was genius I tell you - Genius.

HappyJustToBe Wed 20-Nov-13 18:16:17

You sound brilliant. Them, not so much.

NonnoMum Wed 20-Nov-13 18:19:48

sorry, but you've really cheered me up!

(I've got some corkers too - another time, one involves a loud drunken fart whilst vomiting in a restaurant full of people - I can't tell you about that, too embarrassing)

lifesgreatquestions Wed 20-Nov-13 18:22:21

This is great OP, and so is the other poster's mother's genital condition! Thanks both for the laugh! And there there it will be alright, you clearly have a good sense of humour. I managed to throw my glasses into the lap of the young man sitting next to me on a plane recently. He was fine with it but I went into hysterical laughing. I felt a little silly after.

MomentForLife Wed 20-Nov-13 18:25:53

Sooo funny! Don't worry what they think at work, sounds like they've all got the personality of a flea!

toffeesponge Wed 20-Nov-13 18:28:41

There there

You poor thing sad.

I suspect no one said anything as they were not wanting to add to your blush by acknowledging you had done something embarrassing. What would have been better was if someone picked up your glasses for you and said not to worry, we all get the wrong word sometimes.

Poor your self a large wine.

toffeesponge Wed 20-Nov-13 18:31:53

Pour, not poor. See I am so sorry for you I can't even get my words right.

Oh dear!

Maybe they were being very professional and then all wet themselves laughing when you left?

(I'm not sure if that's any better, but I'll post it anyway wink)

eeyore2911 Wed 20-Nov-13 18:44:04

Hahaha! Oh Dear bless ya! It does happen to the best if us... I had a job interview and had sat with my legs crossed for so long that when I stood up my leg was dead and I collapsed back into the chair and bounced off it onto the floor... This was after my carefully constructed PowerPoint presentation wouldn't work and I looked like a disorganised eejit blushneedless to say I did not get the job... x

QOD Wed 20-Nov-13 18:48:35

grin
Did you at least say prostate and not prostrate? As that's pacifically winkwhat customers tell me they have (medical insurance)

monal Wed 20-Nov-13 18:54:05

I laughed so hard the baby pulled off my boob and gave me a look of profound hurt.

randomfemale Wed 20-Nov-13 18:59:31

Oh dear I am sitting here with tears of laughter streaming down my face. Thank you so much for sharing Gatekeeper here's some thanks and a glass of wine and a HUGE pat grin

Tabby1963 Wed 20-Nov-13 19:16:12

'genital condition' 'William Shatner' grin

Gatekeeper, your thread has had me chuckling like mad for ages so that DH is concerned that I am having a fit lol.

MamaLazarou Wed 20-Nov-13 19:19:28

The other people in the meeting sound like po-faced bell-ends.

SugarandSpice126 Wed 20-Nov-13 19:21:25

This is BRILLIANT. Snorting with laughter. Would have paid good money to be there!!

Gatekeeper Wed 20-Nov-13 19:26:18

had some wine so feel a bit better...will be a different story when my eyes snap open at 3am!

I consider mysle wel pattd though

Gatekeeper Wed 20-Nov-13 19:27:58

myself well patted...that looks like it was written in Middle English grin

Taffeta Wed 20-Nov-13 19:30:12

I am crying with laughter grin

thanks op

Rollermum Wed 20-Nov-13 19:30:38

This thread is brilliant. I do this sort of thing a lot. I would share an example but I repress it all and if I try to think of one they'll all flood back at once and I'll cringe myself to death.

Oh no, here's one. I was trying to be good at networking at work and tried to say 'we are constantly dodging small children' because my office is near a place with lots of school trips. But I said 'we are constantly dogging small children'. And then I commented on the slip up because I feel it is best to acknowledge it. And no one laughed. Tumbleweed.

Junebugjr Wed 20-Nov-13 19:37:11

That's a cracker OP. The miserable bastards.

During a very very serious training session for my job, we all got put into groups to discuss very serious stuff, everyone was on their best behaviour being very earnest including myself. While I was daydreaming about more interesting things, feeling mildly irritated at having to do actual work during some training, the trainer asked something along the lines of 'and where is this strategy heading now', and totally without any thinking I answered 'up my bum', which I'd meant to say in my head.
There was literally tumbleweed while everyone stared at me. I gave out some high pitched laugh in shock, making me look more mad. I've never recovered!

Come on nonomum spill the beans.

OP I thank you for cheering me up grin

DaleyBump Wed 20-Nov-13 19:54:19

Oh my god June!! gringringrin

cakesonatrain Wed 20-Nov-13 19:56:50

"constantly dogging small children"
grin

Trying so hard not to laugh and wake the baby!

cakesonatrain Wed 20-Nov-13 19:57:35

Oh, and there there op smile

Katekate77 Wed 20-Nov-13 19:58:21

I didn't think it could get any worse after "my husband thinks so" smilesmile

You are a comic genius!! No need to cringe, the world needs people like you (and me) to liven the stiffs up!!!

helzapoppin2 Wed 20-Nov-13 20:01:01

Not even a snigger? Were they all dead?
I think you're great!

Spychic Wed 20-Nov-13 20:03:58

Why are you not my friends in real life? I feel like I'm the only person I know who does stuff like this.

Mine is always followed by the high pitched laugh too, or worse, a peculiar little girl giggle as though I'm trying to be coy.

AmberLeaf Wed 20-Nov-13 20:06:47

Had I been there OP I would have laughed with you!

Junebugjr That made me guffaw. That is my stock answer for when someone asks me where something is [well not everyone, only people that get my humour] grin

Iactuallydothinkso Wed 20-Nov-13 20:24:27

Oh this thread has made me laugh so much! If your days didn't happen for any other reason I think you should be grateful they made me laugh!

Thanks!

Dilash Wed 20-Nov-13 20:24:36

I told a customer once, that our phones were 'up the duff'

didn't realise my error until they had left

Ellisisland Wed 20-Nov-13 20:26:13

If it makes you feel better I did something similar today.
Big meeting and my boss asks me what I thought was 'how is your son?' So I reply with a long winded explanation of how he has an ear infection at the moment and has pus pouring out of his ear. I go on and on and then slowly realise everyone is staring at me.
The my boss says 'sorry I said shall we go on?' Gesturing to report I had in my hand, that I had been waving around by talking about pus. It was my turn to present. I was so embarrassed

Dilash Wed 20-Nov-13 20:27:07

I also once got on the escalator in the London Underground, going in the wrong direction. Went arse over tit. Everyone pretended not to notice

Dilash Wed 20-Nov-13 20:29:49

ellis!!!!

did you manage to do your presentation???!

grin oh my days!! Maybe we should all work together?! A seething mass of inappropriateness

Tabby1963 Thu 21-Nov-13 07:34:40

Ellis, if we all worked together we would spend the day giggling and Tena Lady would be on tap in the ladies well it would for me lol.

CuntyBunty Thu 21-Nov-13 07:43:54

Where do you work OP? I am probably being made redundant in the New Year and part of my prospective job requirements are quality colleagues. You sound ace; I'd love to mess about at work work with you.

TobyLerone Thu 21-Nov-13 07:49:12

Are you Miranda?

Well they're obviously mutants for not laughing. I'd have been crying with you!

The other day I answered the phone and said 'Tim speaking.' I have no idea why I did this. I am most definitely not called Tim. Last time I looked I didn't have a prostate. I actually don't even know any Tims.

I think sometimes when we don't have enough humourous people in our world, our subconscious has to generate it ourselves, in order that we can have a good laugh at ourselves. That is what I am telling myself anyway.

DeathByLaundry Thu 21-Nov-13 08:05:34

Haven't actually sobbed over a thread on here for aaaaaages. I'm meant to be getting ready for work. The DC are all "What's wrong mummy? Why are you sad?"

Have had to wheezily explain I just read something funny. While drying my eyes and blowing bubbles of snot.

Thank you smile

diddl Thu 21-Nov-13 08:12:12

Ooh my goodness that's hilarious There, there!

I once phoned daughter's friend & when the father answered, I asked if I could speak to his wife-unfortunately, I already wasblush

"We all have our cringes to bear"-genius!

killpeppa Thu 21-Nov-13 08:16:04

giggled so much I needed to pee.grin grin grin

Gatekeeper Thu 21-Nov-13 09:14:15

it wasn't at work!! This was a room full of strangers..I was there for an employability course as have been a SAHM for last few years. I really have forgotton how to act amongst people haven't I?

Wonder what the course leaders wrote about me in their paperwork?
"Gatekeeper ought not be let out without supervision" grin

<philosophical sigh>

SarahAndFuck Thu 21-Nov-13 09:36:07

I have told this story before.

I worked for an estate agents. A property had exchanged and completed and the sellers were in the process of loading up the moving van when they realised their cats were missing.

They rang the office to ask me to pass on a message to the buyers, stating that if the cats should turn up later could they please just shoo them outside into the garden and the sellers would drive by later and collect them.

So I rang the buyers and left a cheerful message that ended "...and so they say that if you could shoot the cats in the garden they will collect them later. NO! Don't shoot the cats! Shoo them into the garden. Shoo them out! They don't want you to shoot their cats!"

Buyers came into the office a few days later with wine for us and kept laughing about the message. They were making gun shapes with their fingers and kept saying "Meow, BANG!" to me blush

SarahAndFuck Thu 21-Nov-13 09:39:11

Although, my colleague once accidentally kissed our area manager as he tried to shake her hand and then another time she picked up the phone as it rang, burped down it as she tried to say hello and just calmly put the phone back down without speaking, so I think my shot cats are not quite as bad as they could have been.

Dilash Thu 21-Nov-13 09:41:28

Oh gawd...iinappropriaye kisses! Ive done them before...horrid!

BankWadger Thu 21-Nov-13 09:41:39

SarahAndFuck. Pure grin

ChippingInLovesAutumn Thu 21-Nov-13 09:45:03

gatekeeper - maybe it will make you eligible for some little known benefit so you can continue to be a SAHM (if you want to!) grin

SomethingkindaOod Thu 21-Nov-13 09:46:59

I've repressed this one for ages but here goes...
A director at my old workplace was notorious for standing in the middle of the corridor gossiping, not very practical as he was built like a brick wall and the corridors were very narrow. Trying to get past him one day instead of doing what I wanted to do and kind of put my hand out in front of me to slip past him for some reason I reached out and grabbed hold of his arse cheek. And for some reason squeezed. Really hard.
Poor bugger jumped a foot in the air, turned round and looked at me like a whipped puppy while I gibbered an apology at him!
Thank God it was the FD not one of the other ones, he had a sense of humour and spent weeks holding him bum protectively whenever I went past him grin

Dilash Thu 21-Nov-13 09:51:09

HOW ON EARTH???•!!!!

rumbelina Thu 21-Nov-13 09:53:09

These are brilliant! William Shatner!??

I was in an interview about 15 years ago and they asked me about strengths and weaknesses. For weaknesses this popped out of my mouth: "some people call me anal but I say I pay attention to detail". There was a silence and one of the interviewers just said "Anal??" incredulously. LUCKILY the other two fell about laughing at that point and then explained it to him while I sat there cringing my head off.

I didn't get the job, it was for a student placement and they said I was over qualified but rang back after a few days to offer me a different job smile

kerala Thu 21-Nov-13 10:01:15

Oh these are hilarious! Mine not as funny. I was on a walk with some friends I hadnt seen for while in a park. I was pregnant and had gone abit mad I think (my excuse). To emphasis a point I sort of swung my arm and inadvertently threw my handbag into a lake. Everything was in there, phone, purse, book, oyster card etc. I then (7 months pregnant) had to climb over a fence get a stick to try to fish it out. My friends were shock and told me just to leave it but it was my handbag for gods sake. I did get it back and everything survived except the phone. It was a work one my secretary at the time was hmm what have you done now...

Also during the same mad stage I read the dullest internal company publication which had a lame joke in it. On reading it I got the worst giggles I have experienced I literally had to go to the loos and sit there crying with laughter I couldnt stop it was weird. Was embarrassing as went back to the office my bewildered boss said "I read the joke and it wasnt even funny". They suggested I go home for a lie down.

LadyFlumpalot Thu 21-Nov-13 10:28:12

A week after I went on Maternity Leave I went back in to the office for a day as my team was REALLY short staffed and I was bored at home grin

Anyway, my computer login had been disabled so off I trotted down to see the IT lads (3 early twenties, trendy types with floofy hair and glasses) and instead of saying "Hi, please could you reactivate my login?" the words that came out of my mouth were...

"Hi boys, could one of you turn me on please?" blush blush

Also, my stepdad once answered Viagra instead of Coleslaw when my mum asked him what else they needed whilst in Tesco. blush hmm

Oh my god - I've just woken the baby snorting at this OP grin poor! poor you!

Floggingmolly Thu 21-Nov-13 10:35:58

Your op was the funniest thing I've read this month, at least. grin
Your embarrassment was a kind of public service really; a living example of short term pain for everyone else's long term gain...

Fourducksate Thu 21-Nov-13 10:43:26

I was in a lunch meeting once and we were celebrating a deal that had been done on some property, I was offered more champagne and said ' oh no, one more and I am anyone's'... In was inappropriate, but a few of them did jump up and reach for the bottle, which made it a bit better grin.

Another time we were having a meeting with some clients, one of whom was called Mr Dury. I couldn't get the song 'hit me with your Rythmn Stick' out of my head..... He asked me to call him his first name and I seconds later called him 'Ian'. blush.

Once, I was walking down Regents Street in London, where I worked at the time and felt something bulging in the leg of my trousers, I realised in was a pair of knickers from the day before which had obviously been left in (yes I wore my trousers 2 days in a row, as they were with a suit), I had to shuffle into a doorway and retrieve them from the bottom of the leg! From whence they were now protruding!

ErrorError Thu 21-Nov-13 10:51:38

Oh I made a massive tit of myself once when I was on my way to visit a friend. I got a phone call from her saying that she'd be late meeting me because her Dad had been hit by a car. I said "Oh god that's terrible, I'm so sorry. Are you going to the hospital?" She replied "The hospital?! Why would we go there? He's on my mum's kitchen floor. We're waiting for the out of hours vet."

It took a minute longer of me wondering why a vet would need to come out before I realised she'd said dog not dad, and although it was still terrible I burst out laughing at my mistake. I was trying to explain through gasps of "I'm so sorry!" And then she said she and her mum hadn't spoken to her dad in years and that made the image of him on the kitchen floor even more vivid in my head. I think she understood but I was totally mortified.

grin at Shatner Wife!

limitedperiodonly Thu 21-Nov-13 11:06:00

You made me laugh OP.

On the 50th anniversary of VE Day I asked my boss what he'd be doing over the extended holiday weekend.

He said: 'Some friends and I will be holding a small losers' party.'

I forgot he was German.

ProfessionalProcrastinator Thu 21-Nov-13 11:09:21

My neighbour phoned me out of the blue one morning and said that her husband had died. My response was "Are you joking?" Wtaf was I thinking I do not know! She had grace to repeat what she said and ignored my faux pas. I am still mortified years later. blush

changeforthebetter Thu 21-Nov-13 11:10:26

winebrewthanks gringrin

neiljames77 Thu 21-Nov-13 11:48:19

Years ago, thankfully before the advent of decent camera phones, me and the rest of the family went to one of those parks with an adventure playground in it. One of the rides was a zip wire meant for kids. Instead of a bar to dangle off, it was a pole with a disc at the bottom to sit on. Both my daughters, 4 and 5 at the time, were too scared to go on it so I said I'd sit on it and one at a time, they could sit on my knee.
The youngest agreed to do it. It was in summer and I was wearing shorts. This zip wire, not used to the weight of an adult and child, set off at a fair old pace. Apparently, everybody apart from me could see what was going to happen. When it reached full speed and got to it's lowest point, my arse ploughed a trench through the treebark shavings and into the gravel and soil underneath. We came to a halt and my daughter ran back to her mum and left me sat there with my underpants full of tree bark and my exposed arse cheeks red raw and grazed.
About 30 or so people had seen it happen and one woman, who was wearing pale jeans had quite obviously wet herself and was led away by her husband.
I can laugh about it now but at the time, it was really embarrassing.

moldingsunbeams Thu 21-Nov-13 12:15:23

[holds sides at no don't shoo the cats] sobbing laughing..

moldingsunbeams Thu 21-Nov-13 12:15:52

shoot sorry cant see for tears...

Ellisisland Thu 21-Nov-13 12:15:57

Dilash- I stumbled through my presentation and said at the end ' you'll be glad to know that me done and no more mention of pus!' I laughed and was met by silence .....

Thank god I am part time so my embarrassing moments are limited to just 3 days a week!

moldingsunbeams Thu 21-Nov-13 12:19:35

neiljames

cant breath for laughing..... oh god

Gatekeeper Thu 21-Nov-13 12:19:38

I am still laughing about William Shatner; it's tickled me to bits grin

Stonehaven Thu 21-Nov-13 12:23:04

God these are comedy gold grin keep them coming!

ErrorError Thu 21-Nov-13 12:28:54

Haha neiljames I hope that woman comes one here to write about the embarrassing time she literally pissed herself watching someone get stuck in the trench of a zip wire!

My DMs most embarrassing moment was when she slipped and landed in a muddy puddle, so my Dad told her to take her skirt off in the car, which was fine until she got home and couldn't get back into it so ended up legging it into the house in just her knickers.

I remember another time I made a tit of myself quite a few years ago when I was at a meal with a large group of people, and through the course of general chit chat we were talking about daytime TV. I said "I think Fern Britton looks really good after that sex change." Got a few hmm confused looks and I realised what I said and quickly went "Oh I meant gastric band!" but the damage was done. WHY out of all the medical procedures in the world to mistake it for, had I said sex change?

Dilash Thu 21-Nov-13 12:29:32

my sister went into the greengrocers once and asked for a piano. She wanted a bunch of bananas

Dilash Thu 21-Nov-13 12:31:26

i dont understand why everyone doesnt laugh when these things happen confused

do some people not have brain malfunctions, and so really actually think others are lunatics?

Bastards! I'm now late for work! But at least I'm smiling1

limitedperiodonly Thu 21-Nov-13 12:38:21

Someone I know didn't stop herself before a William Shatner moment.

She pointed and laughed at the arty picture of a man in the screensaver on someone's screen shouting: 'Who's that ugly geek?'

The answer was: 'It's my boyfriend. He's a model, actually.'

He did look a bit geeky but it's a fair bet that you'd have a screensaver of someone you know, rather a random geek.

Lancelottie Thu 21-Nov-13 12:39:16

I used to work for a publisher.

Some of the authors kept on sending extra changes to their manuscript, so I sent a message to the production team saying, 'As they keep fiddling, I suggest we sit on the poofs for a few days longer.'

P-R-oofs. Argh.
At least I didn't suggest shooting the buggers.

ThenSheSaid Thu 21-Nov-13 12:49:53

I love this one as it is such a simple, yet understandable, mistake. I could imagine doing this myself.

The other people sound like a bunch of misery guts.

limitedperiodonly Thu 21-Nov-13 12:54:01

I went to a council meeting where they were discussing the proposed name of a new development which had been built behind the facade of an 18th century coaching inn. The rest of the inn had been demolished.

It had been called The Cock.

Some bore had researched the inn and was lobbying for the name of the first landlord, presumably because rather than in spite of the fact that no one but him would get the obscure reference.

One councillor tried to politely say what a bad idea this was and said: 'Sadly, I don't think many people would understand that Brian. Though we're very grateful that you did all that research.

'Anyway, I'm in favour of keeping the flavour of The Cock Inn.'

Poor woman.

SarahAndFuck Thu 21-Nov-13 12:54:38

You can all laugh but for hours I was worried about small furry cat corpses being left in the garden sad

I might as well tell this story again now as well now and complete the shame. grin

I used to take DS to swimming lessons. There was a very narrow balcony for parents to watch the lessons from, with a limited amount of chairs and viewing space.

One family used to arrive en-mass and have the entire clan watch one small child in the pool week after week, and they got into the habit of saving chairs for each other, to the point of having another child sprawl across three of them to save them or putting coats all along the row.

One week I went to sit down on the only empty chair left, only for the father of this family to actually push me away while saying he was saving the seat for his wife.

I think it was the push that did it, because I sat down on it anyway at the exact same moment as he draped his arm protectively around the back of the chair.

Meaning that I was now sitting with his arm around my shoulders. We were both more than a bit surprised, but I didn't move and he didn't move and not one other parent on that balcony said a word but they all looked a lot more jolly than usual for the rest of the session.

We just sat in silence, carefully not looking at each other, with his arm around me, until his wife walked in a few minutes later and stared at us until he removed his arm and made one of his other children stand up so she could have their chair instead.

FreudiansSlipper Thu 21-Nov-13 12:57:23

oh honey poor you there there we all say silly things at times smile

but thank you for making me giggle snort until tears came to my eyes

grin

i am always saying/typing the wrong thing hence my name. i was once posting about wanting to go on a walking holiday and typed wanking holiday

CMOTDibbler Thu 21-Nov-13 12:58:13

Years ago, I was at my first conference in a new job. Big boss is there etc, trying to make a good impression.
I was sat showing a customer something, then pushed myself back with my feet to turn round to him. But the chair was a folding one. And it folded. Leaving me on the floor. And I swore loudly.

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter Thu 21-Nov-13 12:58:27

Oh goodness thanks Gatekeeper this should be in 'Classic'! thanks

Yes I do stuff like this (hopefully will remember and come back). Thanks everyone, notably NeilJames the domino effect of cringe on the lightjeans wearer is priceless - I laughed so much I had to bite my arm to stifle myself grin

TantrumsandBananas Thu 21-Nov-13 13:04:31

grin these are brilliant!

Few years ago - interviewed for a job with my shirt completely undone - it was a very hot summer, and I was in a rush when I dressed.

Couldn't understand why the interviewer looked so terrified, which caused me to go into nervous OTT loud high pitched giggle mode. I only realised once I was shown out. Mind you could have told me!

sOODdragon Thu 21-Nov-13 13:07:45

I saw the thread title and thought "oh here we go again... Sigh" and, as always happens I am sitting here crying.

TBH, I'm surprised any MNers are employable given the stories that come up on these threads!!

TantrumsandBananas Thu 21-Nov-13 13:10:48

SarahandFuck Crying with laughter.

RalphGnu Thu 21-Nov-13 13:15:29

Oh god, DS has just asked me why I'm crying!

HazleNutt Thu 21-Nov-13 13:20:04

sarah I almost choked here. Meow, bang grin

My story - very high level Xmas dinner at work: my boss, his boss, group president, his boss from the corporation headquarters etc.

After a few drinks I was telling a joke to my neighbours. People laughed. The biggest boss, who had been chatting to someone else, asked what we were laughing about. And of course, instead of repeating the joke, I just repeated the punchline. Really LOUD, so everybody at the table, who also didn't know it was a part of a joke, could hear it and assume that this was a personal opinion of mine.

The punchline was "There are no ugly men, just not enough vodka!"

So basically the whole management of the company now thinks I get drunk and sleep with anybody. Yes, still work there.

InfiniteJest Thu 21-Nov-13 13:22:26

SarahandFuck that is one of the funniest things I've ever read.

MTBMummy Thu 21-Nov-13 13:24:45

Trying so hard not to cry with laughter at these, thank you I needed the cheering up.

I'm rather accustomed at doing entirely stupid things in the worst situations

In an interview when discussing strengths and weaknesses, I meant to say I was good at dealing with complex problems by thinking about things logically , instead said "I give good head" - to a female interviewer she just raised her eyebrows and asked if I wanted to reconsider my answer

In my teens while walking into school assembly I was checking out one of the guys a few years older than me - I walked into a dustbin and ended up toppling in (metal dustbins on concrete are a sure fire way to make enough noise to get everyone's attention)

LucyBabs Thu 21-Nov-13 13:25:05

Oh feck me side ways I am actually crying laughing baby ds thinks I'm crying at Mr Tumble!

gatekeeper You are hilarious grin

There are too many to mention but someone mentioned their friend asked for a piano instead of a bunch of bananas hahahaha

Please keep them coming mners, this thread has cheered me up

PooInTheNight Thu 21-Nov-13 13:34:46

I've got tears in my eyes at these!! It's almost as funny as the I pooed on my skirt thread grin

I'm not from the UK, so even though my first language is English, I'm not always aware of "local colloquialisms".

I used to run cross-country with my dogs. It's a sport called cani-cross. But me, I have a tendency to make up my own names for things, which can sometimes backfire spectacularly.

One day a colleague asked me if I had any plans for the weekend, and I did indeed have a cani-cross race planned.

So I cheerily replied, "Yes, I'm going to be doing a spot of cross-country dogging!"

After everyone had fallen about in hysterics, said colleague quietly took me aside and gently explained why I should probably not refer to my hobby as "dogging" in future.

AscoyneDAscoyne Thu 21-Nov-13 13:45:31

Gatekeeper yours is the first MN post that's made me laugh out loud. I think the glasses and he-haw laugh rounded it off nicely. You sound like fun, your colleagues not so much.

frumpypigskin Thu 21-Nov-13 13:53:23

I moved into a new rental property years ago. It was a basement flat and had been empty for a while and had weird little insect cases on the hallway walls.

The gas man came to take a reading just as I had the hoover out to get rid of the insects. We started chatting and I was talking about getting the flat more presentable and said 'I'm now going to suck all these insects off'. I then realised what I had said and dissolved into giggles which was made worse when he just stood looking at me.

He left quickly afterwards.

limitedperiodonly Thu 21-Nov-13 14:00:09

I've had my shirt undone at an important meeting and no one told me. I also sat on a chair that collapsed under me. I've heard that some people do that deliberately at interviews to see how the candidates cope.

Slightly different, I was in meeting where one of the other women kept tapping and stroking her nose at the person chairing the meeting, who was a bit of a cow.

The cow said: 'OFGS! If you want to scratch your nose or pick it, just do it.'

The other woman said: 'You've got a big bogey up your nose. I was trying to be discreet but I don't think I'll bother now.'

tabbyH Thu 21-Nov-13 14:01:35

There there! Pat pat pat.

My ex once stood up in a meeting and said '...and then I had sex!' I don't know if he was daydreaming or what, but he hadn't!

I come out with some right corkers. Too many to list.

MTBMummy Thu 21-Nov-13 14:07:13

I've also done the unbuttoned shirt at work thing, I was having lunch with colleagues and couldn't figure out why all the guys were sitting across the table, a few even sat down next to me then moved, I was convinced I had done something stupid not noticed a fart

Until another female sat down and pointed it out

Thankfully I had on a nice new bra and a pre BF'ing cleavage

ExcuseTypos Thu 21-Nov-13 14:19:24

Oh these are so funnygrin.

Won't ever think of William Shatner in the same way again.

NameoftheRose Thu 21-Nov-13 14:30:46

A good friend of mine ( really, this happened to a friend) took her small children for a picnic in the forest. At some point she needed a pee, so disappeared into the ferns to go. Unfortunately she got her angles all wrong and peed on her knickers.

She took them off, hid them in the nappy bag and continued, knickerless with the picnic. She was wearing a skirt, so wasn't overly relaxed, but hey, what's the worse that could happen?

On returning home she discovered she'd locked herself out, but there was an upstairs window open. Her over-friendly male neighbour hoved into view with the offer of a ladder, which she gratefully accepted.
The ladder was leaned against the house, but to her horror the man refused to go up it, claiming a bad back or something.

So my friend climbed knickerless up the ladder with the neighbour footing the bottom of it, looking up her skirt as she went up.

And she had to go on living next door to him for years and years...

onlysettleforbutterflies Thu 21-Nov-13 15:12:49

Oh god, so much for discreet mumsnetting at work, I am sat here with tears and snot streaming!

New job, trying to impress new colleagues, found it a bit odd that during my presentation lots of people in the room were looking at my crotch, walked out of the room and looked down blush. I was wearing a top with a long side tie (were all the rage years ago), had it tucked in to my trousers so it didn’t dangle below my jacket, been to the toilet and somehow the long stripey dangly bit was hanging out of my fly. It had been a good few hours since I had been to the toilet.

Boss was going in to a meeting and said he would text a message to my desk phone – so it would be a voice recorded message, if they needed anything bringing in. Phone rings and I hear it’s a voice message going on about breakfast cereal and how good it is for you, I assume he must be bored so just trying to be funny. I was surprised but thought I would respond in good humour and sent him a long email trying to be equally as funny and talking about my breakfast preferences. After the meeting, boss comes up to me and asks why on earth I emailed him saying that I prefer toast in the morning, rather than cereal….turns out voice message was an advert and not from him at all blush. I cried with laughter for days after that.

limitedperiodonly Thu 21-Nov-13 15:25:56

I have long brown hair. I was wearing a halter top and looking quite fine, I thought, and was flirting with this bloke in a bar.

It wasn't until I went to the loo that I noticed that a big tuft of head hair had worked its way under my armpit and was poking out the front looking like particularly luxuriant armpit hair.

sOODdragon Thu 21-Nov-13 15:43:24

cross-country dogging

[weeps]

vivazeboo Thu 21-Nov-13 15:55:12

Hahaaa, that is brilliant!!!

I remember hearing of someone's mum who had been going round for weeks telling everyone that she was going in to hospital for an autopsy...she meant biopsy!

Bigbadgladioli Thu 21-Nov-13 15:59:16

There there.

I do this kind of thing all the time. You've made my day!

Solidarnosc

Gatekeeper, poor you. You did really make me smile though.

I just snorted with laughter at 'don't shoot the cats' I'm on the bus, so that earned me a few weird looks grin.

I've had so many of these moments, my most recent being today. Had an interview that was in an office area at the back of a huge shopping centre, which is just off a very busy dual carriageway. Bus doesn't go into the shopping centre but drops on the other side of the dual carriageway, at a flyover that deposits you neatly on the footpath of the roadway into the shopping centre. So all fine, got there, found recruitment agencies office, had interview, jolly good.

Bus back home picks up on same side of the carriageway as shopping centre. There is a pedestrian walkway from the huge sprawling car park to the bus stop, but of course I can't remember where it is. I do know that if you use the main road out of the centre, there is a grass verge with a well worn path along the side of the carriageway right to the bus stop. It's been a year since I've gotten this bus, so I naturally go the wrong way. So there's a mud and stone track about a foot wide with a 6 inch cement edging that I'm hobbling along in my nice interview clothes, until a point where the bushes are overgrown so I have to balance on the little cement verge swatting branches out of my face. Track clears up again, I hobble along a bit more. Until I come to a big roadsign, the kind with 2 posts. Outside post kind of impinges into the cement verge, so now it's even narrower. I grip the post and kind of fecking swing myself around it blush and hobble on a bit more, until the path becomes complete overgrown and there is absolutely no further I can go. All this time with a heavy flow of traffic passing by. It finally dawns on me that I have gone the wrong way. I have to retrace my steps, complete with hobbling, post-pirouetting, branch swatting and cement balancing. Make it back to the car park, trek across it, find the walkway and eventually about 40 mins later make it to the bus stop.

And as further evidence of my ineptitude, I have probably explained that so badly that no-one has a clue what I'm talking about blush

neiljames77 Thu 21-Nov-13 17:02:34

I'll say just one more otherwise you'll think I'm some kind of Norman Wisdom or Frank Spencer.
All my in laws were visiting our house and my wife had been asking me to change a light bulb in the kitchen for ages. I took a chair from the dining room and used it to stand on. Just as I'd fitted the new bulb, my standing foot went straight through the base of the chair. In true Benny Hill style, my testicles landed on the top of the backrest.
As I was curled up in the foetus position, retching, in agony and unable to breathe properly, everyone ran into the room to see what had happened.
My dear wife was really concerned. She said, "what have you done to my chair?"

Pawprint Thu 21-Nov-13 17:14:16

Oh no, that is hilarious!

I once, for no particular reason that I can think of, kept calling my aunt's husband 'Drunkard' instead of his actual name of 'David'. Of course, it was an open (but shameful) secret that he was an alcoholic.

Whenever I think of it, I just start sweating with embarrassment.

Pawprint Thu 21-Nov-13 17:19:27

Another one - I was at an interview and was asked what I hoped for the future in terms of my career. I meant to say that I hoped to travel and wanted 'spread my wings and stretch my horizons'. However, what I ACTUALLY said was 'I want to spread my legs and stretch...' At this point, I knew I had just said the most awful thing and, in an attempt to recover from the situation, started to laugh in a 'Carry On' film style and said 'If you know what I mean, arf art'

The two interviewers looked at me in horror. Didn't get the job.

Catmint Thu 21-Nov-13 17:43:55

I really needed a cheer up today and this thread has done the job. smile

I've now given myself a headache laughing at these. Keep em coming! grin

Ha ha - you work with some miserable sods - I would have laughed loudly

When I was working in Japan I was asked how I had travelled to work that day. I decided that I would use the slang for 'by bicycle' except the slang for bicycle is very similar to the word for penis.

Yes I said 'by penis' to my boss.

NonnoMum Thu 21-Nov-13 18:09:50

I'm part of a very successful husband/wife broadcasting team and we were fortunate enough to win an award at a rather grand ceremony... which I graciously accepted, whilst my unbuttoned dark blouse revealed my rather enormous slighty off-white bra underneath...

But none of you would have heard of that incident, would you?

Oh, I've also done the 'kissing my boss' thing (on the cheek. The cheek!), accidentally called him Dad, and in my most painful, still turn puce when I think about it moment ever, accidentally smacked some poor man in the face with a packet of aspirin in the middle of Sainsburys. It's really not safe to let me out! grin

NonnoMum - just tried to Google that and the only hit was Milla Jovovich. <stares hard at NonnoMum>

cakesonatrain Thu 21-Nov-13 18:20:15

grin @ NonnoMum
I think you got away with that one, I don't remember clips of that being shown all over the telly at all...

BobaFetaCheese Thu 21-Nov-13 18:28:02

Great thread!

My small contribution; In a job interview the guy was talking about disciplinary procedure, he said 'If you do it once, twice...'
'THREE TIMES A LADY' I have no idea why I felt the need to singshout that at him and didn't get the job.

Lavenderhoney Thu 21-Nov-13 18:29:56

These are all very funnysmile so glad I clicked on this threadsmile

I was once talking to a chap at the British embassy ( work related) on the phone, and he said his name, which sounded like a bark.( ruuuffff) I got the giggles and called him mr ruff!! over and over during the course of our conversation, which he politely ignored until he said at the end of our chat " its been a pleasure talking to you, miss lavenderhoney, and I assume you are aware I am recording this conversation for future reference?"

Op, your co workers sound awful, why didn't they laugh? And/ or help you? Or offer you tea?

RaxacoricofallapatorianCatpuss Thu 21-Nov-13 18:43:46

. Marking my place to read later...

ErrorError Thu 21-Nov-13 19:21:42

NonnoMum If you are who I think you are, then I know who you are! Didn't your husband so graciously help to preserve your modesty?! grin

I am laughing like Muttley here at these!

HotCrossBunsForAll Thu 21-Nov-13 19:30:12

NonnoMum, I remember that...

ErrorError Thu 21-Nov-13 19:36:44

It was hilarious, the DH thought everyone was cheering him but it took a little while for him to notice it was actually Nonno's impressive bust causing the ruckus. It's on youtube wink. Must be 10 million times more embarrassing for famous people! At least people laughed though. It's very cringey when something like that happens and you're met with stony faces and feel like everyone thinks you're going mad.

phantomnamechanger Thu 21-Nov-13 20:08:02

Thank you all for this hilarious thread, just what I needed after literally being crapped on from a great height today. By a seagull who I swear flew off laughing to his mates.

Nonno - I remember that!

phantomnamechanger Thu 21-Nov-13 20:09:26

error, I don't think it was the famous DH who ran to assist, it was a colleague who later became infamous, IIRC

phantomnamechanger Thu 21-Nov-13 20:15:22

though I have just googled it and her DH did then help put her back together , as it were.

toffeesponge Thu 21-Nov-13 20:35:09

And I suspect NonnoMum isn't really JF!

cakesonatrain Thu 21-Nov-13 20:55:48

No, it's not her!

ByTheSea Thu 21-Nov-13 21:12:04

grin at least you'll have a funny story to tell for the rest of your life.

LCHammer Thu 21-Nov-13 22:00:05

Great stories. I also loved the dead leg on getting up from interview.

I was at a job interview recently, very professional and conservative job, and they reasonably asked me a predictable and simple question. What I like to do in my spare time. My answer was that I like to go clubbing. Fuck knows why, I'm 47 and haven't been clubbing in decades. I didn't get the job.

HaveTeaWillSurvive Thu 21-Nov-13 22:51:22

I am literally crying laughing and had to snort my way through reading half a dozen of these out to DP grin

neiljames77 Fri 22-Nov-13 00:01:52

I've just remembered one more horrible cringe moment.
I had a dentist appointment and as usual, turned up about 5 minutes early. When I sat down in the empty waiting room, one of the worst nightmares for a man started to happen to me. For no reason at all, a part of me went into a state of arousal. Now usually, you have to wait a while before you're called through. Not this time. "You can go through now Neil". I pretended not to hear her. She shouted it again and I seriously considered just walking out and going home.
I headed for my dentists room thinking of horrible things like him yanking my teeth out without anaesthetic to make it go away but it wouldn't and I knew if I lay on that chair, him and his assistant are bound to notice. I had a t shirt and tracksuit bottoms on so it's not like I could pull my jumper down or anything. I went in and just sat on the chair sideways, leaning forward a bit, talking and trying to stall him. Eventually I just gave up and lay back. Him and his dental nurse just looked at each other then pretended that they hadn't noticed. I could feel myself burning up with embarrassment.
I have changed dentists now.

wistlin Fri 22-Nov-13 00:07:45

shock why didnt you say you needed the toilet????!

neiljames77 Fri 22-Nov-13 00:17:51

I don't know Wistlin, I just couldn't think straight. I was panicking.

LilithSternin Fri 22-Nov-13 00:59:17

Shortly after my auntie was diagnosed with pre-cancerous cervical cells, I took my great uncle into hospital to get some blood taken. He was chirruping away to the girl taking his blood, and was telling her all about the saga. He then said to her in all seriousness "Do you think I'm at risk of getting that, love? Being family, and all that?" The girl was very professional but I thoroughly enjoyed taking the mick grin

limitedperiodonly Fri 22-Nov-13 13:38:50

MY MIL was a physio. She told me that if any of her patients became alert during manipulation a sharp tap saved embarrassment all round.

neiljames77 Fri 22-Nov-13 15:34:48

A sharp tap where? Surely you don't mean on the thing itself?
Plus he's a dentist. No. No I'm sorry limitedperiodonly but if he'd have done that to me I wouldn't have been happy at all.

captainmummy Fri 22-Nov-13 16:26:43

I'd heard that before Limited - from nurses. If anything reared it's head during bedbaths or similar, a tap with a cold spoon...

LCHammer Fri 22-Nov-13 16:28:24

... or oops, dropped the drill, in the dentist's case.

OnePramAndHisSprog Fri 22-Nov-13 16:45:39

"William Shatner" just killed me.

limitedperiodonly Fri 22-Nov-13 16:58:16

Captainsmuumy's right neil. I don't think any of my MIL's patients were thrilled either, but as she'd say: 'Least said, soonest mended.'

She's a bit brisk, my MIL.

hareinthemoon Fri 22-Nov-13 17:09:33

This week I was giving a talk that involved quoting William Morris, "the workman should again have control over his material, his tools, and his time" - only I read out tool, singular.

I didn't look up and, thankfully, did not hear any stifled laughter though I am a bit deaf

LCHammer Fri 22-Nov-13 17:48:29

Yes, control over the tool is important. See above.

Rollermum Fri 22-Nov-13 18:40:44

This is the thread that keeps on giving grin.

I just remembered a cringey moment from when I was about 13. I was swimming lengths with friends, backstroke, and managed to grab a random woman's entire boob as I swung my arm back.

SummerPlum Sat 23-Nov-13 09:26:32

I turned round to my mum in a crowded Woolworths once and said 'I'm BUSTING for a piss.'

The total stranger I was addressing had the grace to murmur her sympathy. blush

NewName123 Sat 23-Nov-13 09:33:23

your not a medical professional though are you OP, would be an even better story if you were a GP say. (pat pat)

NewName123 Sat 23-Nov-13 09:47:02

OK cringe...
Many years ago I was in a yoga class, there was only about 5 people in the class.
The teacher had us with our bums on chairs, legs over the back rest of the chair and shoulders on the floor. To help us stretch I think.
Well during being in this strange position some air got 'sucked up' into my fango.
Well you can imagine what happened when we dismounted the chair,
I let out the biggest fanny fart you have ever heard, and you can not control a fanny fart so it just went on and on
I didn't ever go back to the class again!

Tabby1963 Sat 23-Nov-13 18:36:35

Oh newname grin that takes me back to the one yoga class I went to with my mum (I was a teen so it was a long time ago). Mum did a huge fanny fart and it completely undid the pair of us. We tried to silently giggle (it's impossible) but could not carry on with the class. No one else laughed but were probably relieved that (a) we left the class and (b) it wasn't them that did it.

omuwalamulungi Sat 23-Nov-13 19:13:40

When I was an intern I was organising a conference in another country, had got to the stage of confirming delegates, sent an email to my boss about a fairly important woman who was attending. He replied with a joke in the vein of "oh tell her blah blah blah" but although I get the joke now, at the time and via email I didn't understand and actually emailed her and asked her exactly what he'd said.

She was furious and emailed him immediately requesting my head on a plate, fortunately everyone else in the office (including my boss) found it hilarious as she has a rep for being a bit highly strung to begin with and I couldn't have known he was joking. I was so mortified but everyone who'd ever had to deal with her pretty much said I'd made their day.

Met the woman at the conference a few weeks later and feigned total innocence.

KrabbyPatty Sat 23-Nov-13 19:17:33

That is funny, Gatekeeper.

On the misnomer theme, my friend spent about 2 weeks last year telling everyone that her dh was staying home because he had cerebral palsy and 'looked really awful'.

She couldn't work out why everyone was shock until, finally, she realised she meant Bell's Palsy.

NonnoMum Sat 23-Nov-13 19:21:55

Sorry -can't claim to be the v lovely Judy F, but thought it was a good example! grin

LetZygonsbeZygons Sat 23-Nov-13 19:26:10

OP grin.

and the other posts Ive read grin

mine was today, I opened the front door to someone knocking , and I had a fez on my head (waiting for Dr Who, DC dressed up!). id forgotten as its so comfortable.

suitably embarrassed and door knocker (theyd got wrong house) didn't know where to look!

Gatekeeper Sun 24-Nov-13 08:40:51

grin at LetZ. That would have made me smile at you ,not look embarrassed

LetZygonsbeZygons Sun 24-Nov-13 17:23:45

OP I was the embarrassed one grin . and later went to bed with it on! only realised when I put my head on pillow and it fell off!

good thing I sleep alone!

Gatekeeper Sun 24-Nov-13 17:28:18

any woman who can carry off a fez is just fine with me smile

LetZygonsbeZygons Sun 24-Nov-13 17:48:06

Thats just it, gate. I CAN'T !! more tommy cooper than Matt Smith grin.

hope you've gotten over your embarrassment now. smile

At work one day talking about names with three others. One (although I didn't know this yet) had a surname that rhymes with Vader. Let's say Bader...

Someone mentions the name Darth Bader and I immediately guffaw and bark through my laughter "what idiot actually named their kid Darth Bader? How the actual fuck would someone think that was a good idea?" While continually laughing uncontrollably.

Noticing the stricken looks around me I realize I've done a bad thing and dry up. Then want to crawl in a hole when she says "in the 19 years of his life I have NEVER had someone be so rude about my son's name!" And then she flounced.

Cringe. Although I still think his name is fucking ridiculous!!

Who the fuck calls their child Darth no matter what the surname is!?!?!

wistlin Sun 24-Nov-13 18:00:12

raef I would have had to laugh, even if it was my son you had just insulted!!

after leaving a horribly long uncomfortable silence of course grin

Gatekeeper Sun 24-Nov-13 18:04:15

ah Letz I love Tommy Cooper; I once met him and his wife on holiday when I was little. His tie kept of growing and growing until it was touching the floor. My dad was in hysterics and Mrs Cooper had this long suffering "seen-and-heard-it-all-before" face on

LetZygonsbeZygons Sun 24-Nov-13 18:09:51

oh you lucky thing Gate meeting TC.

Darth Vader? even I wouldn't inflict a name like that on my child and Im a sci-fi geekette!

Rockinhippy Sun 24-Nov-13 18:21:16

Thank you, that made me laugh so much grin

Sorry, YOU performed with style - they on the other hand my dear behaved like a bunch of miserable a***holes - just laugh it off smile

I once swapped the word tuna for sex - as in...

can I have a sex sandwich please

to the guy working in a cafe blush - thankfully it was a hospital cafe, so he took it in his stride

ThistledownAndCobweb Sun 24-Nov-13 18:23:17

My friend works in a school which has a church next door. She had taken a new member of staff over to the church to show them how to switch on the organ because she was going to be using it in a church service. The organ was very old and had several switches that needed turning on before it would work.

On the way out they met the elderly priest
"hello father" she said "I hope you don't mind, I was just showing Mrs X how to handle your organ correctly"

Friend and colleague realised what she had said and stood horrified while genial priest replied "it is a bit of a beast, isn't it"

cakesonatrain Sun 24-Nov-13 19:12:49

Surely to god it was Garth Bader?
Which is pretty bad, but not quite as terrible as Darth Bader!

No, his name really is Darth! I got a lecture about how it's a lovely traditional Norwegian name and they didn't even think the Darth Vader similarity would be noticed!

HappyHippyChick Sun 24-Nov-13 21:30:40

At my best friends dd's Holy Communion she was opening her cards and presents. She opened the card from her nan, which contained a hefty cheque. Her dad took it and said "We will put that in your savings account". I then gave her my card which had (less) money in. As she opened it I said to her "don't save this, buy yourself something nice - like drugs" blush to an 8 year old - in front of her v posh, elderly gran...

I'm not sure why I said that, I meant to say dress... I've never taken drugs blush. Thank goodness everyone saw the funny side... (Except my BFs mum!)

mrsWast Sun 24-Nov-13 21:59:37

i am dying here. i keep interrupting husband's footy watching to snort and giggle some of these at him.

mtbmummy i am crying at you falling into a dustbin.

many years ago, a very handsome man who i had fancied for ages offered to walk me home from the pub. i was VERY drunk (and more than a little stoned) but managed to keep it together until we got back to mine.

it was going swimmingly until i needed a wee. i stood up and headed for the door to the stairs. my housemate had bought a new telly and the massive, empty cardboard box was against the wall near the door.

as gravity got the better of me, i turned and smiled winningly at the handsome man, and fell helplessly into the cardboard box.

by the time i had managed to climb out again he had let himself out.

cakesonatrain Sun 24-Nov-13 22:36:24

grin mrsWast. He didn't help you up? What a cad.

It bloody buggery isn't a lovely Norwegian name!! I Googled "Darth" earlier in case anyone else had every actually had it as a name and got nothing. Now I've Googled "Norwegain names Darth" and still got nothing but Star Wars references. I tried as many weird spelling as I could think of.

She as a deluded loon!!!

Doinmummy Sun 24-Nov-13 23:34:11

I was asked to help out in a different department at work as they were short staffed. The very senior member of staff stood up from her desk and lent forward a bit. I promptly slapped her hard on the arse!

We just stared at each other in horror.

mrsWast Mon 25-Nov-13 00:40:13

i'm fully trained in Norwegians and none of them are called darth!!

I know it's not a Norwegian name wink She only tried to convince me it's some hale and hearty passed down the line Norwegian family name because it was clear how stupid I thought it was grin

mrsWast Mon 25-Nov-13 09:15:02

that's hilarious.

'i know it's a ridiculous name. i know, i'll pass it off as being....norwegian! yes! nobody knows any norwegians - i will surely get away with this!'

tobiasfunke Mon 25-Nov-13 10:21:08

I was working in the University library one day and it was really busy because it was coming up to exam time so every seat taken. I started to yank my folder and the folder fell on the floor and everyone looked up as it made a bang and as it came out, out flew a rogue tampon (an old fashioned one so large with applicator) which went flying about 10 feet away and then rolled under the desk with 6 rather good looking male posh blokes sitting at it. Everyone just stared. No-one made any attempt to pick it up so I had to go up, excuse myself and crawl under their desk to get it back.
I was absolutely mortified being about 19.

I have also unwittingly worn a plastic tiara on my head for nearly a whole day until someone in Sainsbury's asked me was I a real princess.

Lancelottie Mon 25-Nov-13 10:48:39

Tobias, if it makes you feel any better, I once went to dinner in college wearing a teacosy. Had stuck it on my head to keep warm in freezing bedroom and forgotten about it...

tobiasfunke Mon 25-Nov-13 11:07:30

That does help thanks. I think a teacosy is way worse than a tiara.

Lancelottie Mon 25-Nov-13 11:10:51

blush I tend to agree

Crumbelina Mon 25-Nov-13 13:48:26

Ooh, Classics and so it should be. This thread is hilarious!

Areyoumymummysnet Mon 25-Nov-13 23:12:33

God why did I click on this before bed? pmsl. grin
I've posted this before but a friend of mine was filling time at the end of class playing pictionary. of course year 9 boy draws a cock. She got cross and instead of saying put away your BOOKS said "put away your penis" grin

YesAnastasia Mon 25-Nov-13 23:17:27

That's hilarious! I literally lol'd & I never actually do that.

mosp Mon 25-Nov-13 23:35:08

I'm a bit late, but I have a zip wire story:

When I was a young teen, I went on a youth camp. On the first day we all got to have a go on the amazing zip wire. It was really long, and you had a climb a big tree to get to the beginning of it. Each of us took it in turns to climb the tree and whizz down the wire as the others queued and watched from below.

My turn came. I climbed the tree, positioned myself on the 'seat thingy', held on with both hands and launched. Unfortunately, a branch caught hold of my skirt and it came right off. I was powerless to prevent it. In that split second, I realised I had only two choices. They were: a) open my legs and keep the skirt from falling to the ground with my ankles, or b) close my legs and let it drop (and then have to walk back all the way to the tree to collect it). I chose a.

captainmummy Tue 26-Nov-13 08:12:26

Mosp - so what happened? Did you plummet out of the tree ? Or hang by your hands all the way to the bottom of the zipwire, legs akimbo?

LCHammer Tue 26-Nov-13 22:53:19

Mosp - that sounds like a classy descent.

LittleAprilShowers Wed 27-Nov-13 09:04:15

I have what I am convinced is a medical consiti

LittleAprilShowers Wed 27-Nov-13 09:07:29

I have what I am convinced is a medical condition in which I either laugh hysterically or make some lame ass joke when someone divulges bad news. But this by far has to be the worst -

Saw an ex colleague on my lunch hour who'd retired 6 months earlier. I said "Oh hello Arthur how've you been?". He replied "Not good, I've just lost my wife". I said "Oh well maybe she's in Woolworths?"

I would love to explain this abomination. But I just can't!

LCHammer Wed 27-Nov-13 09:31:48

Lots of the examples on here are about people losing their cool and doing or saying something out-of-character under stress. There must be some explanation as to why we sabotage our chances of success.

TooTabooToBOOOOO Wed 27-Nov-13 10:14:45

Brilliant thread!

Many years ago I went to stay with a friend in Ashton-Under-Lyme, Manchester way. I was 18 and they were mid to late 20's. I was eager to impress but very clumsy and always knocking mud drinks or dripping food down myself blush

So, we head out for a night on the tiles. As we are walking along we come across an on-location tv shoot, Band of Gold. They were in-between takes and we needed to walk through the scene. The main characters were there, Barbara Dickson, Cathy Tyson etc.

The runner (or such like) told us we could go through but to hurry. The cast were sat to one side of the path, we had to walk right past them. My friend turned to me and jokingly whispered "do not fucking embarrass us" I was highly offended, I am calm and dignified grown-up.

The laughter when I tripped up and stumbled spectacularly in front of the cast was frankly uncalled for....

TooTabooToBOOOOO Wed 27-Nov-13 10:16:14

*knocking over

BigToesofFrog Wed 27-Nov-13 10:31:52

Oh god OP. I feel your pain. I can't be trusted in any kind of meeting or social situation at all - so much so that I actually went freelance and work at home. I can edit my emails carefully before I send out any utter bollocks. If I talk to a client on the phone I always end up either gabbling or being awkward, so I try to avoid it. I'm actually cringing today about some terrible gabbling I did yesterday - uuuurrgh.

Once a work colleague (when I was working in an office) asked me "how are you getting on with Xxx". Xxx was the name of my boyfriend at the time and tbh it was on the rocks so although I thought it was quite a personal question, i regaled her with the details of my relationship woes. 5 minutes in I saw she was looking at me in horror and realised she meant Xxx, the client we had both been dealing with.... blushblushblush

Another time a very self-deprecating (and let's be fair, annoying with it) colleague asked me if the brief I had prepared was an "idiot's guide" because she would need it. Without stopping to engage brain I replied "Well it depends how much of an idiot you are." She was massively offended and I had to grovel for weeks.

TheHeadlessLadyofCannock Wed 27-Nov-13 11:44:28

HOWLING with laughter and very glad I'm not at work! Particularly grin at William Shatner, 'Tim speaking' (I might answer work phone calls thusly from now on; I too am female) and 'once, twice...'
'THREE TIMES A LADY'.

<<tummy hurts>>

OP, I think they were a roomful of miserable buggers. Surely most people would have had a laugh about it?

DidoTheDodo Wed 27-Nov-13 14:39:01

Thank you, all of you for making me really, really laugh while sitting at my desk. Doesn't often happen.
Will now answer the phone with "Tim speaking" for always. It'll be like an MN code for recognising one another!

zannathetrainer Thu 28-Nov-13 20:56:22

My DH forwarded me his invitation to the office party with a sweet email explaining that he had to go to the * thing because his @@@@@ boss has insisted, though he knew it would be very dull. Unfortunately, he hit the reply all button. Super red face. And the entire office laughing at his expense. As well as his supportive wife.

Brevitybabe Fri 29-Nov-13 17:27:48

Could have been worse - your skirt could have been tucked up in your panties !

Artemisia48 Fri 29-Nov-13 18:12:05

Awww don't I know the feeling dear Gatekeeper. I thank you a million time for starting this cathartic conversation. This week, I went to the hairdressers and asked for a cut and blowjob (instead of, well obviously, a blow dry). No comment. I am a woman (mid forties) and my hairdresser is a nice young lady who giggled just a little but I am certain that this was awarded Joke of the Day (month? Year?) And that they were in stitches when I left. And I will forever be the Lady who asked for a BJ in that salon. (Insert mortified look here). I must be strong and silence my pride as they have been colouring my hair for years now.
Still. Ouch.

maniccats Fri 29-Nov-13 19:30:31

This has made me cry with laughter. One of my own awful moments:-

Iwas at a publishing conference abroad, waiting with some colleagues for the bosses to arrive. I was leaning back resting my elbows on the desk behind me. As bosses arrived, I went to stand up properly but my metal heeled stillettos slipped from under me and glided across the marble floor, gracefully depositing me on it.

nouvellevag Fri 29-Nov-13 22:28:00

I told my boss that his Xmas card design looked like a festive buttplug. This was years ago and I still want to die.

Dayshiftdoris Fri 29-Nov-13 22:45:37

I haven't laughed this much in ages and ages...

'Up my bum' was my favourite.

Unfortunately when I am nervous / talking to professionals / breathing I have a habit of saying what I am thinking without applying a filter...

My most recent was to my son's head teacher. We were having a fairly serious conversation about an issue and I heard myself say..
'I was going to say he could charm the knickers off a nun... But that's not very appropriate...'

Tumbleweed moment to say the least blush

I have form... The more serious the issue and formal the meeting at school the worse it gets...

To a teacher who couldn't 'see' my son's ASD - 'Yeah it's frustrating that they don't tattoo their foreheads with 'autistic' anymore'

And

'Well it's about time these professionals shat or got off the pot'
The poor SENCO nearly needed resuscitation as she completely lost her composure.... I was a bit bewildered as to what was so funny blush

But by far the worst was at work... I went out to call the patient, had a mental blank and opened my mouth to shout what her presenting complaint...

'Rectocele'

The God of stopping you from making a twat of yourself stepped in and I merely closed my mouth again only uttering a grunt... The whole waiting room was looking at me expectantly but I high tailed to the station and got someone else to call her in...

Not safe to be let out

dottybooboo22 Sat 30-Nov-13 07:35:17

Hilarious!!! Why is there not a "like" button for this page"????

dottybooboo22 Sat 30-Nov-13 08:19:49

While going on a tour of Russia when i was in a girls choir, i managed to trap the man in front of me on the plane, in his seat...it sort of folded up on him ( while i was leaning on the back of it.) When i realised what i had done of course i apologised, it was then that i realised it was the same man i had got in the back of the ankles with the trolley back at Heathrow. I swear he visibly blanched when we saw each other a little later leaving Moscow airport!!!

ladypanbanisha Sat 30-Nov-13 08:27:17

I was chatting to the nice lady on the self scan check out in Waitrose. My lips were dry so I was holding my Burt's Bees lip balm to apply when I had finished and was gesticulating with my hand. The nice lady fell silent and was looking at my hand, I had been gesticulating with a Lillett.

whereiseveryone Sat 30-Nov-13 09:02:07

Ha ha! Who cares?

That would have raised howls of laughter from the management team in my old job. They were a cruel bunch...

You need to have more meetings with people with a sense of humour. That lot sound iike a bunch of corpses...

Fairychatty Sat 30-Nov-13 11:53:43

Mrswast..... That was soo funny .. I'm still laughing

Chocolatestain Sat 30-Nov-13 16:54:27

A few years ago I was doing some temping as an agency support worker for adults with learning disabilities. One day I was sent to a day centre in an unfamiliar town and having trouble finding it, so when I saw a British Gas van I pulled over to ask the driver for directions. He explained that he wasn't local so couldn't be sure, but thought it might be near the school at the end of the road. He then asked if I happened to have seen a tack shop on my travels as he had found a bag of brand new riding crops in a hedge and thought he might be able to sell them. Without thinking I replied 'Or a sex shop'

Awkward silence.

I muttered my thanks and beat a hasty retreat.

I found the day centre and did my shift without thinking any more of it. When I returned to my car at the end of the day there was a note under the windscreen. 'If you fancy some fun with riding crops this weekend, call Dave on ...'

And before you ask, no I didn't!

littlelady3045 Sat 30-Nov-13 20:33:54

This thread has made me laugh so much my tea poured out of my nose.

Thank you all so much.

Neill James (I don't know how to tag) I think I love you and your misfortunes, as did the woman who had pissed herself laughing!

Chocolatestain Sun 01-Dec-13 08:38:02

Loving this thread. Festive butt plug has become an ongoing joke in our household. Would like to point out that DS has only just turned one so presumably isn't being traumatised by mummy and daddy sniggering over smutty festive butt plug jokes.

(Oh God, what if his first words are "butt plug" blush)

Catypillar Sun 08-Dec-13 22:18:07

Got into discussion with nurse at work who was going on about how doctors are supposed to be clever but really we can't tell our arses from our elbows and need the nurses to keep us right, I got a bit annoyed and started to tell her not to be so bloody patronising but somehow managed to drop my phone into my cup of tea at the same time, cue me shouting "aargh my phone's in my tea" and the nurse saying "well take it out then you idiot!" I removed it from the tea, took it to bits and put it on paper towels. Nurse took great pleasure in smugly saying "Dr Catypillar dropped her phone in her tea" to all who asked why there were phone parts sitting on paper towels.

okthen Sun 08-Dec-13 22:40:50

My sister once went to the gym and for a swim with her housemate. Sis was going to work after the gym, housemate was going home, so offered to take my sister's gym bag home with her. Unfortunately my sister had packed not just her gym kit, but also her work dress and tights, into the bag. She had to wear just her coat, knickers and shoes on the bus to get back home and put some clothes on...

Same sister also got stuck in a tiny lift at work with her boss, panicked and fainted. Came round to find the lift doors open, a crowd gathered round, and her boss holding her legs in the air (apparently it helps to bring someone round- though looks pretty weird written down!)

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