Do you dunk your penis?

(1001 Posts)
SaraCrewe Tue 08-Oct-13 09:16:47

I considered name changing for this, but, fuck it.

We have a dedicated post-sex cleanup area on the bedside table. A box of tissues, a small bin, and a beaker of clean water for temporary cleaning/dunking while the bathroom is occupied by me.

Apparently our penis beaker is strange and not the done thing.

Does everyone else just lay there in a sticky post coital glow until morning? Really?

Fairylea Tue 08-Oct-13 09:18:34

Really!!!? And you're not a troll?? smile

No. We have a normal bedside table. With books and a lamp.

Not a sex clean up bit!

I get up for a wee and wipe and then dh does and that's it!

Sunnysummer Tue 08-Oct-13 09:20:07

Have never heard of this. And used to be quite the harlot, so really think I would have seen in, if it were a common thing. But maybe my tastes just run to the unwashed...?

Has there ever been a midnight mixup with a glass of drinking water?

Am waiting in fascination to see rest of responses.

MamaChubbyLegs Tue 08-Oct-13 09:21:22

grin!! No! I bidet and he showers in the same room together at the same time!! if we can be bothered

I'd hate to get the spermy beaker mixed up with the squash beaker in the middle of the night grin

AnythingNotEverything Tue 08-Oct-13 09:22:29

I think this is strange. I've never heard of dunking.

Happydays12345 Tue 08-Oct-13 09:22:38

Imagine that, accidently drinking it.

SaraCrewe Tue 08-Oct-13 09:24:07

No I'm not a troll. I have only ever slept with my H and we've always done this! Might have started when we were teens and couldn't make a dash to the bathroom in our parents houses.

Luckily my drinking water is in a sports bottle!! grin

LauraChant Tue 08-Oct-13 09:24:53

What gets me is your NN combined with the subject matter. grin.

Frances Hodgson Burnett must be spinning in her grave.

Faverolles Tue 08-Oct-13 09:25:28

Is the water cold?
Would it not overflow during dunking and create more mess?

BaldricksTurnip Tue 08-Oct-13 09:26:02

Urgh yuck! No way Jose baby wipes for us!

Bumbolina Tue 08-Oct-13 09:27:22

Urgh - the thought of that makes me nauseous!

RevelsRoulette Tue 08-Oct-13 09:27:24

I don't mean to be rude, but are you both so dirty that you require immediate cleaning?

That must be sexy. You do it then spring apart, you rush to the bathroom and he plunges his knob into a bucket.

You've just had sex so I assume you are on fairly intimate terms. Even if you have an acid fanjo and his sperm is nine tenths itching powder, surely you can use the bathroom at the same time? You can wash your fanjo in the bath and he can scrub his cock in the sink.

NoMoreMadCatLady Tue 08-Oct-13 09:28:16


Do you hold up scores like in diving events?

Fairylea Tue 08-Oct-13 09:28:53

Crying at "plunges his knob in a bucket" !!

SaraCrewe Tue 08-Oct-13 09:29:34

I don't think he wants to spring off the bed but doesn't want to sit there sticky, so I dash off to pee while he does his temporary clean. I am sure at least one other person will come along and say they do something like this, I am sure.

NoMoreMadCatLady Tue 08-Oct-13 09:29:59

fairy that could equally refer to before the dunking smile

Oddest thing I ever heard. At our messiest we use a towel. Why on earth can't he just wait until you're done in the bathroom? confused

Preciousbane Tue 08-Oct-13 09:30:39

No never heard of this and how often do you wash the beaker? Do you put it in the dishwasher?

NoMoreMadCatLady Tue 08-Oct-13 09:31:29

Penis in dishwasher...<runs off crying>

phantomhairpuller Tue 08-Oct-13 09:31:37


Wow confused

TallulahBetty Tue 08-Oct-13 09:31:45

Penis beaker??? <squawk>

Is this.. a thing? grin grin grin

SourSweets Tue 08-Oct-13 09:32:06

Ah the sex clean up section is the least romantic thing I've ever heard!

Lizzylou Tue 08-Oct-13 09:32:16

No, no we don't do this.

Fenton Tue 08-Oct-13 09:32:44

OP your penis dunking bedside beaker is odd.

You see another day and I'm blessed with another sentence I never thought I'd say.

I love MN.

whatkungfuthat Tue 08-Oct-13 09:33:55

Nope, never heard of this. I really don't think you are going to find many people who have. Unless you pee like a racehorse for hours can he not wait? or use a towel/t-shirt/whatever is laying around on the floor

Happydays12345 Tue 08-Oct-13 09:34:01

I'm not sure they will Op. grin

This is one of the funniest things I've heard.

We just use tissues then go to the toilet.

There's no way we could do penis dunking, the cat would drink the water!

Shortbutsosweet Tue 08-Oct-13 09:34:11

Lol happy days that's what I thought!

rainbowfeet Tue 08-Oct-13 09:35:19

Ha ha shock

Omg... Hardly a romantic setting!!

"Knob bucket" my phrase of the day though!blush

BigW Tue 08-Oct-13 09:35:57

OMG a penis beaker. I have officially heard it all.

Happydays12345 Tue 08-Oct-13 09:36:10

Oh and we have a sex towel too which is better than tissues but is usually in the wash when we need it.

HootShoot Tue 08-Oct-13 09:36:15

No dunking beaker in our house, we must be scummers. I'm fascinated to know how you discivered this wasn't the done thing? Have you been discussing this in real life Sara?

Fairylea Tue 08-Oct-13 09:36:31

<considers new job manufacturing penis beakers>

MamaChubbyLegs Tue 08-Oct-13 09:36:55

My DP often just ambles in and flops his knob in the sink WHILE I am doing my sex wee shock

ICameOnTheJitney Tue 08-Oct-13 09:37:03

EEEEWWW. What do you do with the penis water in the morning!? Gross!

Knob solution sat there all night!

SaraCrewe Tue 08-Oct-13 09:37:33

I really thought if I was going to find anyone who agreed with me it would be on mumsnet. Sigh.

NoMoreMadCatLady Tue 08-Oct-13 09:38:10

Dunking aside is everyone having a 'post sex clean-up', is there anyone who just waits until say, the morning?

Dunking is very strange. What do you do with the sullied beaker?

I'd worry one of my DC would drink from it, the dog bowl was never off limits so I doubt the willy cup would be.

MamaChubbyLegs Tue 08-Oct-13 09:38:20

HappyDays' cat drinking willy water is officially the funniest thing I've heard today grin

TobyLerone Tue 08-Oct-13 09:39:41

Penis dunking?! confused

Surely that's what baby wipes are for?

VendorZilla Tue 08-Oct-13 09:39:50

Oh no! I'm about to market the house and having read this thread I now have to steam clean my armchair!

Do you sprinkle your mattress with bicarb to absorb the smells, too?

Still18atheart Tue 08-Oct-13 09:40:04

This must be an idea which could go on to dragon's den

LadyGoodman Tue 08-Oct-13 09:40:13

grin what a thought

Feel a bit squeamish now

Op that is weird!!

BigW Tue 08-Oct-13 09:41:18

Does your OH say things like 'I'm feeling fruity tonight darling. FILL UP THE PENIS BEAKER!'?

Fairylea Tue 08-Oct-13 09:41:36

I don't always clean up. Sometimes I'm too tried and just roll over and go to sleep! I have a shower every morning and change sheets regularly so I'm sure that's ok isn't it? It's just sex juices.. I'm not going to die from being a bit sticky.

phantomhairpuller Tue 08-Oct-13 09:42:25



thenightsky Tue 08-Oct-13 09:42:32

My DP often just ambles in and flops his knob in the sink WHILE I am doing my sex wee

Yeah. same here.

RevelsRoulette Tue 08-Oct-13 09:42:39

On reflection, I think the beaker is less odd than telling your mates about it.

Your partner will now and forever more be Dennis - that bloke who shoves his cock in a cup after sex.

Next time he goes down the pub and his mates all cover their pint glasses with beer mats, you'll know why.

SpiritOfTheBuskersCat Tue 08-Oct-13 09:45:24

This is hilarious! grin

Happydays12345 Tue 08-Oct-13 09:45:26

This thread is so funny, I'm supposed to be working but I'm just refreshing instead.

How often you change the water?

KirstyJC Tue 08-Oct-13 09:45:29

What's wrong with keeping a spare loo roll on the floor by the bed? He can then use that to clean up whilst you are having a wee.

My goodness, MN is a revelation sometimes.

<Might have to buy that penis mug though.....>

SourSweets Tue 08-Oct-13 09:45:43

Haha Big W!

Mostly we don't do a clean up at all, especially if a condom is used. Just shower in the morning, it's fine!

SupermansBigRedBottleOfSpirits Tue 08-Oct-13 09:45:47

No. This I have not heard of. And a few of my friends are delightfully friendly with the men folk.

I'd run a mile from a bloke who got up and dangled his penis in a tumbler of water after shagging.

We have a box of tissues but don't have an issue with using bathroom together after sex. Can't see the issue if you have just had someone's knob in you why you wouldn't use the bathroom infront of them?

fuzzpig Tue 08-Oct-13 09:46:33

Reminds me of college where a friend of a friend informed me that her boyfriend could reach the bottom of a pint glass when he was "on the flop"

Not enough brain bleach in the world for that image hmm

Good Fairylea is like us. We have tissues and I often pop for a wee but most of the time we're too busy falling asleep for such things. Sheet changing and washing is very regular here so I presume its fine.

Is this beaker identifiable as how do you not get it confused with other beakers in your house when washing it. Has it got a design?

SaraCrewe Tue 08-Oct-13 09:48:36

Haha madcatlady <that's H's Xmas present sorted>

I refuse to believe not one other person cleans up while still in bed. Maybe not a beaker but a bowl? Baby wipes?

It was him warning his mate not to make squash in said sex beaker that outed us IRL. So if he gets stick it's his own fault. I used it as my pee beaker while TTC too, poor, abused beaker.

MummyPig24 Tue 08-Oct-13 09:48:57

Noooo we don't have a penis beaker. We use the bathroom if we need to clean up. Like most people I should imagine.

fuzzpig Tue 08-Oct-13 09:49:10

OP I have to ask, do you have a specific depth of water in the penis beaker? I mean, with displacement, the water would overflow.

Ooh I just realised you could measure the displacement to work out the penis volume.

And then spring out of bed yelling "EUREKA!!!"

ElleBelly Tue 08-Oct-13 09:49:40

I have a trapped nerve in my neck and laughing at you fuckers has just made me yelp. Fill up the penis beaker! Is that dirty talk in your house then? We must be scumbags as apart from a post coital wee neither of us feel the need to start rinsing out any parts of our anatomy, he certainly doesn't violate any tooth mugs.

SaraCrewe Tue 08-Oct-13 09:49:49

It's a big neon green one from poundland, really classy.

fuzzpig Tue 08-Oct-13 09:50:43

Or is it the mass. I forget.

rainbowfeet Tue 08-Oct-13 09:50:45

Nomorecatlady.... The perfect knob dunking vessel!!! grin

Actually spat out my coffee opening that link!

gnushoes Tue 08-Oct-13 09:50:46

Penis beaker, wank mittens (or was it socks?). MN is like a parallel universe some days.

sadsong Tue 08-Oct-13 09:50:48

Well I was having a bad day until I read this thread! Now I'm I hysterics! grin I've never owned a penis beaker or offered one to which ever husband or partner I happened to be with at the time! But I think to liven up my boring non existent sex life I will offer one to dh. It might make all the difference! wink

LauraChant Tue 08-Oct-13 09:51:06

No, I'm sorry, but does no one else find it weird to be discussing penises with the Little Princess?

I just can't do it Sara!

Do you have it all on a tray covered with a small cloth and uncover it in a manner of a priest uncovering the communion wine & wafers? Is there little beads seen on the edge of the cloth to stops rogue breeze uncovering the penis clean up paraphernalia? grin

When I hear beaker I think of a small shallow cup.

If it can be easily dunked in one of those it cant be big grin

Tbh no, I have never been with a dunker. It is unusual but each to their own.

TigerSwallowTail Tue 08-Oct-13 09:51:20

Couldn't he just use baby wipes until the bathroom is free?

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee Tue 08-Oct-13 09:51:33

I hope think you are alone on this one.

Also, those who have partners who wash them in the sink - firstly - how tall are these men and secondly ewwwwwwwww.

fuzzpig Tue 08-Oct-13 09:52:04

No we just wipe with a flannel and go for a wee. Anything more would totally ruin the comfortable drifting off into a sex coma grin

YoureBeingADick Tue 08-Oct-13 09:52:12

I use wire brush and dettol wink

NoMoreMadCatLady Tue 08-Oct-13 09:52:15

violate any toothmugs <weep>

ElleBelly Tue 08-Oct-13 09:52:58

Sink silly washers freak me out a bit anyway, not much better than wiping it on the curtains.

Fairylea Tue 08-Oct-13 09:53:12

Does anyone else get the penis beaker when they have a drink at your house?! That would be awkward.

Namechangeslut Tue 08-Oct-13 09:53:41

I've been around the block quite a few times (namechanged so you don't know it's me!!) I spent a few years as a swinger and have seen many different approaches to the postcoital cleanup, we prefer an old sheet shoved under the bed which is washed the next morning, I've seen baby wipes, tissues, underwear, one used the curtains, some didn't bother and <boak> I've seen people who clean each other after with their tongues!!
Your beaker is almost the weirdest!
(God I hope the name change worked!)

JollyScaryGiant Tue 08-Oct-13 09:53:56

Wonderful grin

We both just go to the loo after sex. Me first.

Did you go shopping specifically for a penis dunking beaker? Were you in the shop and thought "Ah hah! DH's knob would fit in there nicely?"

ElleBelly Tue 08-Oct-13 09:54:07

Oops willy not silly. Autocorrect fail!

YoureBeingADick Tue 08-Oct-13 09:54:13

In my teens i used exps sister's celtic tshirt. Had to run out of the room
One day when she came in wearing it . grin

Fuck me. That's mental.

LaRegina Tue 08-Oct-13 09:55:00

Oh my. And ewwwwwww.

The idea of a nob-beaker with spunky water floating around in it all night is beyond disgusting. What's wrong with nipping to the loo for a quick clean up? confused. Surely it takes longer to prepare the beaker before hand then clean it up the next day?

Surely nobody would have a small enough nob to be able to dunk it in a beaker without water sploshing everywhere. DH would probably start a small tsunami grin

No, never heard of this either. Tissues/bathroom or both. We don't have drinks by the beds either, so no chance of DH suddenly thinking "I know I'll save myself a trip to the bathroom".

Next time I stay at someone's house and there is a drink of water and box if tissues in the guestroom I'm going to be wondering why they put it there!

BlissfullyIgnorant Tue 08-Oct-13 09:55:24

Here's some disposables for holidays and sleepovers

A possible business opportunity, perhaps?

RippingYarns Tue 08-Oct-13 09:55:33

i don't dunk my penis in anything

i don't have one wink

SaraCrewe Tue 08-Oct-13 09:57:09

This is the last time I use MN to validate myself. You're a bunch of dirty berties. <sprays a water bottle>

But thanks for the laughs I was having a pretty crappy day.

Nivet Tue 08-Oct-13 09:57:19

I need to come to OP's rescue.

I have heard of one other person that does this. His name was Keith and his ex-wife told everyone in the pub and we laughed at him, that was 20 years ago and I still think of it every time I see him.

Sorry, that turned out not to be much of a rescue smile

NoMoreMadCatLady Tue 08-Oct-13 09:57:24

blissfullyignorant perfect travel beakers grin

TheHandbagOfGlory Tue 08-Oct-13 09:57:35

Is the beaker filled up with cold or warm water?

WingDefence Tue 08-Oct-13 09:57:38

'I'm feeling fruity tonight darling. FILL UP THE PENIS BEAKER!'

Haha! grin

Just a loo roll Chez Wing too. And we certainly don't spring out of bed to clean up - post-shag cuddles first.

GermanGirlinLDN Tue 08-Oct-13 09:58:23

Isn't that what baby wipes are REALLY for? Really really odd. shock

NoMoreMadCatLady Tue 08-Oct-13 09:59:12

We're dirty??

None of us except Keith, is he perhaps your husband have a mug of scummy penis water next to our beds.

Willemdefoeismine Tue 08-Oct-13 09:59:19

I always remember being fascinated as a teen, reading The Moon's A Balloon by David Niven. To this day what most stands out (or should I say 'up' in this context???) is the bit about him visiting a prostitute (as a teen) and having to dip his willy in some purple/blue coloured liquid (which if my memory serves me correctly was potassium permanganate) which I presume was cleansing and to prevent the transmission of STDs.

Not exactly the same issue as you have OP, not not entirely dissimilar. It's not something I've ever considered or come across. It's a bit OCD....

Supposing you left the 'dunking beaker' on your bedside table and someone inadvertently drank out of it???? Yuk, Yuk, Yuk!

cardamomginger Tue 08-Oct-13 09:59:24

Always baby wipes here.

OP, I am impressed.

BuzzardBirdBloodBath Tue 08-Oct-13 09:59:52

You have a 'cock cup'? Do you also have a 'vag vessel'? Or his'n'hers 'cock and clit' cups? confused

SaraCrewe Tue 08-Oct-13 09:59:59

I wish it was a thing, then you could offer an appropriately sized vessel depending on how much you wanted to flatter/insult. If someone was particularly rubbish you could proffer a ramekin with a head-tilt and a shrug.

I wish you'd all stop saying 'beaker'.
<dies laughing> grin

WandaDoff Tue 08-Oct-13 10:00:45

I actually loled at this grin

phantomhairpuller Tue 08-Oct-13 10:01:01

Dragons Den, OP.

You could well be into something winkgrin

Fairylea Tue 08-Oct-13 10:01:13

I'm going to be suspicious of my mum going up to bed with a glass of water now.

SparkyTGD Tue 08-Oct-13 10:01:21

What? grin shock

nope, definitely no 'dunking' involved, shower.

phantomhairpuller Tue 08-Oct-13 10:01:37

Pah! Inappropriate typo!

*onto something! Or into wink

HowlerMonkey Tue 08-Oct-13 10:01:44

Nooo. I used to have some loo roll on hand for exP but DH is gross just doesn't care and will happily wipe it all over the sheets unless I demand he put his pants back on.

Our loo is downstairs so I generally put my pants back on (plus pad to catch anything oozy) and return to bed. Not as scuddy romantic as just staying in bed but better than immediate cleansing!!

Blatherskite Tue 08-Oct-13 10:01:50

"'I'm feeling fruity tonight darling. FILL UP THE PENIS BEAKER!'?" has had me giggling like a loon and DD wants to know what I'm laughing at.

Fairylea Tue 08-Oct-13 10:02:06

One of my exes would have needed an egg cup smile

SparkyTGD Tue 08-Oct-13 10:02:16

grin Jolly

MamaChubbyLegs Tue 08-Oct-13 10:02:27

Why is sink willy washing bad?

Trinpy Tue 08-Oct-13 10:02:32

I might know someone who does this. Sort of.

I once walked into an ex housemates bedroom to find a used dildo floating in a glass of water, obviously left over from the night before. I assumed it was some kind of cleaning system. It was a normal household glass though, they hadn't bought a special dunking cup.

NoMoreMadCatLady Tue 08-Oct-13 10:02:54

And after a great shag you offer a bucket with a smile?

Tell me, do you add anything to the water? A touch of Dettol or TCP perhaps? Slug of bleach? Capful of head and shoulders and knobs?

LegoAcupuncture Tue 08-Oct-13 10:04:47

This thread is hilarious!

"'I'm feeling fruity tonight darling. FILL UP THE PENIS BEAKER!'"

^^this killed me! Crying with laughter.

RippingYarns Tue 08-Oct-13 10:05:16

far be it from me to overthink things but how does dunking your nob actually do anything?

surely the icky bit has <ahem> retracted by the time you'd be in dunking mood or does your DP have to stand on his head to get the right trajectory, and immediately after the event?

lollylaughs Tue 08-Oct-13 10:07:17

Can imagine the pitch on Dragons Den.

Who picked the beaker? If you did, then did you get a really large one just to make his day.... grin ?

Dontlookbehindyou Tue 08-Oct-13 10:08:07

Trinpy- how did you know it was used? Maybe someone bought it for them and told them it was a flower?

We use loorolls etc no beaker

I once dated a guy who got all the way to about to go to bed when he told me he had a "receding penis" I shit you not it was that small that when it was flaccid his body kind of sucked it all the way in!
He said "it's ok, when it's erect it's normal size"
Normal for a toddler maybe...

coffeeinbed Tue 08-Oct-13 10:08:42

Sink willy washing has a bad reputation because of the old sinks where you had to mix hot and cold water to wash your face.

ElleBelly Tue 08-Oct-13 10:08:43

I had an ex who sink willy washed and I just kind of feel that somewhere people wash their hands shouldn't also be used for genitals.

YoniMatopoeia Tue 08-Oct-13 10:09:05

Op. No. Not come across this before. Dhs t shirt rescued from floor, then thrown in the wash basket here.

And what is wrong with Willy washing in the sink?

ChasingDogs Tue 08-Oct-13 10:09:12

Surely he has to sort of, swill it around a bit, to get it properly clean? Dunking alone wouldn't work.

MamaChubbyLegs Tue 08-Oct-13 10:09:35

Sobbing at floating dildo!!

Dontlookbehindyou Tue 08-Oct-13 10:10:04

I meant to add I should have offered him a thimble lol

BlissfullyIgnorant Tue 08-Oct-13 10:11:11

How about this
Or, for a cheesy 70s vibe this one
And here's one for the laydees

RandallPinkFloyd Tue 08-Oct-13 10:11:29

Roar @ I'm feeling fruity tonight darling. FILL UP THE PENIS BEAKER!.
Actual tears of mirth. grin

MamaChubbyLegs Tue 08-Oct-13 10:12:40

Well to be honest, his willy goes in my mouth anyway, so I'm not bothered about traces of genital in my face wash water grin

RippingYarns Tue 08-Oct-13 10:13:00

my thoughts exactly Chasing

how do you swill a penis in a glass?

Is it Friday? <hopeful> grin

This is the first thread EVER that has literally made me laugh out loud.

I may suggest a cock cup to DH, just to see if his eyebrows reach the ceiling.

MamaChubbyLegs Tue 08-Oct-13 10:15:01

What the actual fuck at "my little penis" mug grin DP would go into a depression if I bought him that

ChasingDogs Tue 08-Oct-13 10:16:26

Ripping I've given it some thought and he must be very good at wiggling his hips.

kotinka Tue 08-Oct-13 10:18:20

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheFabulousIdiot Tue 08-Oct-13 10:18:54

Just when you think Mumsnet can't get any crazier confused

rainbowfeet Tue 08-Oct-13 10:19:38

Should be working but I have to keep refreshing... More threads like this please!! grin Brightens up my day & sure beats baby name threads!

RippingYarns Tue 08-Oct-13 10:21:46


wouldn't his balls knock against the glass cause a wave?

then there'd be spermy jizz water running down his legs and he'd be back to square one eewww

kotinka Tue 08-Oct-13 10:22:00

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

propertyNIGHTmareBEFOREXMAS Tue 08-Oct-13 10:22:37

I think it is a bit freakish, tbh. I've heard of Jizz rags, like a stray sock used to rub off any fanny juice and errant cum but a dedicated clean up section on a bedside table is taking it too far unless you are living in a brothel.

kotinka Tue 08-Oct-13 10:23:51

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RippingYarns Tue 08-Oct-13 10:23:59

listerine shock

does TJ sing with his as well then <baffled>

kotinka Tue 08-Oct-13 10:24:33

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LEMisdisappointed Tue 08-Oct-13 10:25:50

On a serious note. Please don't think a quick dunk will suffice if you are wanting to do normal sex after a friday night special

propertyNIGHTmareBEFOREXMAS Tue 08-Oct-13 10:26:20

I approve of a more formal 'cock wash' arrangement though.
Namely a sink.
Dh often pops to the cock wash and I am fine with that.

glastocat Tue 08-Oct-13 10:27:14

Just imagine waking up in the middle of the night thirsty hungover and taking a swig....

MrsBodger Tue 08-Oct-13 10:28:14

I am going to regret this BUT what is a Friday night special?

SayCoolNowSayWhip Tue 08-Oct-13 10:28:27

'Pops to the cock wash'.

Like the car wash.

We just use tissue on the VERY rare occasion I can be bothered we have time for those sorts of shenanigans.

I really am intrigued by the whole specific willy dunker though. I have a pint glass by my bed.....

kotinka Tue 08-Oct-13 10:29:30

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

"Friday night special" grin grin

<spits coffee over screen>

BallyGoBackwards Tue 08-Oct-13 10:31:49

I find a spray bottle of Flash with bleach at the side of the bed does the trick!!! wink

My DH always smells/sniffs a cup when he takes it out of a kitchen press before use. It annoys the shite out of me. However if people use cups as Dick Dunkers he may very well have a point!!!!

kotinka Tue 08-Oct-13 10:32:12

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LEMisdisappointed Tue 08-Oct-13 10:33:38

Its bum sex

LEMisdisappointed Tue 08-Oct-13 10:33:44

Its bum sex

LEMisdisappointed Tue 08-Oct-13 10:33:55

Its bum sex

kotinka Tue 08-Oct-13 10:34:27

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

gnushoes Tue 08-Oct-13 10:36:02

Wasn't there a whole Classics thread about wank mittens and knitting patterns? The cockmug seems destined to join it?

LEMisdisappointed Tue 08-Oct-13 10:36:13

Three times even bloody phone

FavoriteThings Tue 08-Oct-13 10:36:38

Are you going to namechange after this,op?

lucysmam Tue 08-Oct-13 10:37:16

knew I could rely on MN for bus ride giggles ....trouble is, I have flippin tears rolling down my cheeks from laughing so much & am even more desperate for a pee now!!!grin grin

fwiw op ......erm, no.

Dp's t shirt rescued from floor then slung in wash basket usually.

grin grin

ringaringarosy Tue 08-Oct-13 10:38:15

We both get into the shower together afterwards,there have been times when weve both just fell asleep and not done any washing!

MissBattleaxe Tue 08-Oct-13 10:38:28

I only got to page three of this thread and all my eye make up came off through tears of hysterical laughter. I couldn't read the rest. I'm crying.

MissBattleaxe Tue 08-Oct-13 10:39:59


((tea on keyboard))

Fontofnowt Tue 08-Oct-13 10:41:24

<stealth boast>
My other alf would need a bucket to avoid displacement flooding.
Do you have a karcher in the loo to rinse yourself op?

MrsBodger Tue 08-Oct-13 10:41:45

Thanks LEMiserables. Once would have been quite enough.

I've always been content with a fish supper. Sniff.

TessTackle Tue 08-Oct-13 10:41:49


Guttersnipe Tue 08-Oct-13 10:41:59

Does everyone else just lay there in a sticky post coital glow until morning? Really?

Um, you make it sound so lovely, but you know what? yes, that is exactly what we do. The release of hormones or whatever it is always makes us both sleepy and we drift off cuddling. The thought of washing/getting up for a pee is way too much effort after sex blush

I can see though that many people have a post coital wee and I am feeling a bit bad about my drifting off to sleep. I know you are supposed to wee after sex to minimize the chances of getting cystitis which is something I am prone to. Is that why all you post coital pissers are doing it?

hiddenhome Tue 08-Oct-13 10:42:40

We have a Sainsburys bleach spray and some kitchen roll. Viakal is good for watermarks.

eggyhead Tue 08-Oct-13 10:43:29

Arf! No!!! Don't think I would have stayed with DH if that was one of his post-coital exploits...

Seeline Tue 08-Oct-13 10:46:43

Gutter - I normally force myself out of bed for a wee because it really does seem to reduce the chances of my cystitis. DH is usually asleep by the time I get back grin

kotinka Tue 08-Oct-13 10:47:55

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mumtosome61 Tue 08-Oct-13 10:50:00

This has genuinely made my morning. OP, there is no shame in a penis beaker. I once shoved my minge in front of a fan after using Durex Tingle lube and keep a flannel by the bed "just in case" (of what, I don't know).

We have a roll of toilet tissue and there are always baby wipes loitering around. I'm the worst at cuddling post sex so, to be honest, the moment we come round from the haze I'm off downstairs for a cigarette and a wee. I'm clearly not romantic grin

We've fallen asleep post-coital and woken up with the condom erupting over the bedsheets, so I am fully in support of routined clean ups.

Happydays12345 Tue 08-Oct-13 10:52:06

I only go for a wee if i need one, i wipe with tissues otherwise. I've never had cystitis so i'm not sure if it makes a difference.

buildingmycorestrength Tue 08-Oct-13 10:52:09



JuanPotatoTwo Tue 08-Oct-13 10:52:23

Have you tried adding a drop of fairy liquid to the penis water? Your dh could give it a good stir whilst he was dunking - a bit like those self stirring mugs you know? Not quite sure what purpose this would serve but the idea of a glass foaming on the bedside appeals to me somehow.

SaraCrewe Tue 08-Oct-13 10:53:00

I am usually having my post sex wee while the dunking is going on but I imagine it involves holding the beaker and giving it a good swill about. <considers asking DH to draw a flip-book to demonstrate what happens>

favouritethings Yes I might NC in shame to my Halloween name ScaraCrewe No one will ever guess it is me.

Stropzilla Tue 08-Oct-13 10:53:48

DH generally gives me a cuddle and goes to sleep. I might have a sex wee if I can hobble there!

RetroHippy Tue 08-Oct-13 10:56:34

I do a post-sex wee (and squeeze and jiggle) while u can only assume DH wipes his knob on his pants and dumps them on the floor where I have to retrieve the when they have gone dry and crusty envy

I may introduce a cock mug. I think it may be preferable hmm

Adikia Tue 08-Oct-13 10:57:21

Hahaha, not heard of using a beaker but I did have a friend who carried around what he called a 'sexy essentials kit' just in case he got lucky.
it was a pencil case with lube, popping candy, wet wipes, tissues (because apparently he liked to dry it after the wet wipes) nappy bags, soap, tooth paste, deodorant and condoms.

RetroHippy Tue 08-Oct-13 10:57:47

I can only assume.

Second time that's happened, I'm guessing U are not making assumptions about DHs knob-wiping habits.

RetroHippy Tue 08-Oct-13 10:58:44

Popping candy shock

Tell me that was his post-coital treat?

midwifeandmum Tue 08-Oct-13 10:58:55

Pmsl, ive never heard of this.

Im actually crying with laughter at all the posts

I love MN

SaraCrewe Tue 08-Oct-13 11:00:12

Popping candy?! What's essential about popping candy during sex?

Happydays12345 Tue 08-Oct-13 11:00:39

What was the popping candy for?

Guttersnipe Tue 08-Oct-13 11:04:57

I did have a friend who carried around what he called a 'sexy essentials kit' just in case he got lucky. it was a pencil case with lube, popping candy, wet wipes, tissues (because apparently he liked to dry it after the wet wipes) nappy bags, soap, tooth paste, deodorant and condoms.

Gawd, he must have carried an entire rucksack around with him!

I'd be pretty hurt if DH felt the need to wash his cock after sex, it's only a bit of fanny juice, not battery acid.

a gentleman's wash before a nosh is only polite

Stropzilla Tue 08-Oct-13 11:05:44

I keep meaning to try that! You have it in your mouth while going down on him. Gives him an extra tingly feeling I hear.

lollylaughs Tue 08-Oct-13 11:06:10


What am I missing about popping candy confused. Is this just for eating or is for some sexual thing I haven't considered yet.....

I would have thought popping candy makes oral more fun.

Jesus Christ.

JuanPotatoTwo Tue 08-Oct-13 11:07:17

How does he dry it when he gets it out of the water? And doesn't the beaker ever get knocked over? Or at least shaken about a bit so that the water slops out? I want to know all the details here.

FatPenguin Tue 08-Oct-13 11:07:21

OP - no one else has picked up on this so I feel I must ask, what in gods name is a PEE beaker??

KatoPotato Tue 08-Oct-13 11:07:22

How about adapting it and adding handles for a 'hands free' nose bag style?

This is just awful OP, thank you so much!

LegoAcupuncture Tue 08-Oct-13 11:07:32

Yu put popping candy in your mouth before giving oral sex. It's meant to be good.

Purple2012 Tue 08-Oct-13 11:07:54

Come on adikia what was the popping candy for?

I definitely think this needs to go in classics

Happydays12345 Tue 08-Oct-13 11:08:31

Oh that would be why Dp bought me a box with ten packs of popping candy in shock

LEMisdisappointed Tue 08-Oct-13 11:09:33

Kato just use a tommy tippee beaker the lid will prevent spillages. Just rename it dickie dippeee

Happydays12345 Tue 08-Oct-13 11:09:47

FatPenguin i think it means a cup you wee in when you're doing a pregnancy test that needs to be dipped in wee.

lollylaughs Tue 08-Oct-13 11:10:21

x-post about the popping canding.

Who needs Wikepedia when we have MN. I learn something new every day grin.

(except popping candy gives me heart palpitations ..... - I think its gonna give dh some too hehe )

JuanPotatoTwo Tue 08-Oct-13 11:10:25

Is it cold water? Does he fill it up from the kitchen sink or the bathroom sink? When you see him walk into the bedroom with a beaker do you have to enquire as to whether this is the penis beaker, or just a "middle-of-the-night-drink" beaker? I am fascinated by this I tell you.

RippingYarns Tue 08-Oct-13 11:10:34

maybe the popping candy is to go into the cock cup?

giving the same effect as adding bicarb to your washing machine?

Adikia Tue 08-Oct-13 11:11:08

Guttersnipe, it was in a big pencil case in his work bag.

The popping candy was for use whilst giving head, apparently it also works quite well if he put it on his tounge before going down on a girl.

LEMisdisappointed Tue 08-Oct-13 11:11:08

Pmsl at popping candy what if a bit lodges in the urethra shock

SayCoolNowSayWhip Tue 08-Oct-13 11:11:18

But what if.... Heaven forbid.... You wake up an hour later in a frisky mood.... Does he dunk again in pre-dunked water?

And who cleans out the beaker in the morning? Do you use the same sponge as for your plates?! shock

So many questions....

I have this image of all these beakers lined up on the dresser with DH dancing up to each one and popping his cock in, a la Monty Python fish dance....

LonelyGoatherd Tue 08-Oct-13 11:11:22

sara Is this something your DH has always done? Or did you introduce it to him? If so, was it your idea, or did all your exes do it too?

pop pop.

IorekByrnisonsArmour Tue 08-Oct-13 11:11:28

grin return of mutley laugh and tears

Popping candy???

lollylaughs Tue 08-Oct-13 11:11:40



KatoPotato Tue 08-Oct-13 11:11:59

Arf @ LEMis

Why am I now trying to visualise the logistics of the dunk? You would need to swish... and dry... OP we do indeed need the flickbook!

SayCoolNowSayWhip Tue 08-Oct-13 11:12:18

grin at dickie dippee.

wish I'd thought of it

LonelyGoatherd Tue 08-Oct-13 11:12:53

And what about his balls?

SayCoolNowSayWhip Tue 08-Oct-13 11:12:58

Swish and flick??

Wankardium Leviosa!

fuzzpig Tue 08-Oct-13 11:12:59

I've done that with the popping candy blush

You do have to be careful though!

Adikia Tue 08-Oct-13 11:13:10

LEM that's what I've always wondered too.

KatoPotato Tue 08-Oct-13 11:13:20

Oh no, I won't be able to play with DS and his Chugginggton 'chugwash' without thinking of this now...

LEMisdisappointed Tue 08-Oct-13 11:13:27

Saycool no double dipping!!

RevelsRoulette Tue 08-Oct-13 11:14:17

You put it in your mouth before, erm, putting it in your mouth.


I have no personal experience of this, but I do have dirty friends.

KatoPotato Tue 08-Oct-13 11:14:48

And no no no to popping candy! That stuff is fierce in your mouth, you suddenly get a huge rock that blasts you! and doesn't it go all sticky and bogging?

JuanPotatoTwo Tue 08-Oct-13 11:16:14

Oh god, I can't concentrate on anything else now. So many questions, so little time. OP, I demand you come back and satisfy my curiosity, else it'll be on my mind all day.

RevelsRoulette Tue 08-Oct-13 11:16:18

Considering the end of the event, sticky and bogging is pretty much what you've got to look forward to any way.

You may as well enjoy some sweets while you're at it. grin

SayCoolNowSayWhip Tue 08-Oct-13 11:16:47

Ew to popping candy.

I will never be able to eat the Dairy Milk Marvellous Creation again.... sad

What if you're really hungry and accidentally eat some at a vital moment?

RippingYarns Tue 08-Oct-13 11:17:02

does popping candy stick to your tongue then?

i'd be too scared of opening my mouth and it all falling all over the place

combing it out of pubes getting it stuck to the sheets etc

SaraCrewe Tue 08-Oct-13 11:17:54

fatpenguin a pee beaker is for dipping oregnany tests into. I'm not alone in this too surely??

I am disgusting but penis beaker goes in the dishwasher. And as for waking up for round two... hahaha! I have a 4 month old, I'm not going to have sex TWICE during valuable sleeping time.

RippingYarns Tue 08-Oct-13 11:18:11

grin SayCool

i'd be all chomping and scoffing, and DH would be lying there twiddling his thumbs, waiting me to remember i was meant to be eating him not the sweets grin

lollylaughs Tue 08-Oct-13 11:18:17

we are all going to need one of those cups now with this newfound knowledge as the only popping candy I have tried is chocolate coated.

kotinka Tue 08-Oct-13 11:19:10

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JuanPotatoTwo Tue 08-Oct-13 11:20:11

So does he sit on the edge of the bed, pick up the beaker, dunk and swish? Or does he move over to the sex cleaning station, manoeuvre himself into position, slowly lower his snuffer down into the beaker and rotate his hips?

Beehatch Tue 08-Oct-13 11:20:40

Don't you have a butler for clean-ups, I thought that's what everyone did?

FreshWest Tue 08-Oct-13 11:22:11

I am laughing so hard at this thread, esp "fill up the cock beaker" and the mental picture of OP dh doing a Monty Python dance around the bedroom.

I have a sink floppin dh too and I do a wee afterward if I can, as advised by nurse to avoid uti's.
absolutely no penis beakers here grin grin

Adikia Tue 08-Oct-13 11:22:28

apparently it getting sticky is half the fun as you then have to lick/suck more to clean it up... he did say though that one girl nearly choked coz it started popping in her throat

I would like to point out that when i said friend i actually meant friend who I never had sex with, he just used to forget I wasn't one of the guys and tell me way too much.

SayCoolNowSayWhip Tue 08-Oct-13 11:22:38

grin Beehatch.

Now have image of Carson from Downton looming over us: 'Has Sir finished? Very good, My Lord. Shall I use the terry cloth or the flannel today?'

LEMisdisappointed Tue 08-Oct-13 11:23:42

I clean my dp with my mouth - all part of the service smile

dobedobedo Tue 08-Oct-13 11:25:02

I am so glad I joined mn. cries with laughter

FreshWest Tue 08-Oct-13 11:25:09

"Or will Sir require the penis beaker this evening?"

SayCoolNowSayWhip Tue 08-Oct-13 11:25:31

But LEM don't you then need to go and brush your teeth?

RippingYarns Tue 08-Oct-13 11:25:55

or ringing the bell pull and a minion scuttles in with a jug and towel grin

SayCoolNowSayWhip Tue 08-Oct-13 11:26:39

Not a jug, Ripping, a beaker obviously....

RippingYarns Tue 08-Oct-13 11:28:56

if there's any willy-wangling by a servant to be done, i want the water to be presented like this

LEMisdisappointed Tue 08-Oct-13 11:29:37

Actually toothpaste has a similar effect to popping candy

ZacharyQuack Tue 08-Oct-13 11:30:06

You won't get it properly clean with just a swish of tepid water.

You need one of these babies

Kaluki Tue 08-Oct-13 11:31:36

Oh My Word!!!
This thread needs to go in MN Classics - I have been trying so hard not to burst out laughing in the office!!
Its a loo roll by the bed in my house. DP is the first guy I have ever been with who likes to wipe after though - I think most men just roll over and fall asleep don't they!

SayCoolNowSayWhip Tue 08-Oct-13 11:31:54

No, definitely this one

mumtosome61 Tue 08-Oct-13 11:32:22

I don't get what is disgusting about a penis beaker in a dishwasher.

You put the junk in your mouth - that's gotta be more....aromatic.

BigW Tue 08-Oct-13 11:32:27

This thread is amazing.

Sara you have a 4 month old? Does your heart sink when your OH turns up for bed, penis beaker in hand? I was far too tired for any of those shenanigans when DS was 4 months old.

RippingYarns Tue 08-Oct-13 11:32:46

Zachary grin

you made that, didn't you <peers over glasses>

not glasses, spectacles blush

MamaChubbyLegs Tue 08-Oct-13 11:33:17

Zachary, what even IS that??!

RippingYarns Tue 08-Oct-13 11:34:11

SayCool that jug looks like David Niven grin

SaraCrewe Tue 08-Oct-13 11:35:00

Haha zachary!

ZacharyQuack Tue 08-Oct-13 11:35:12

That, rather appropriately is a golf ball cleaner

Pop your todger in that bad boy and it'll be so clean you could eat your dinner with off it.

SayCoolNowSayWhip Tue 08-Oct-13 11:35:27

grin Ripping, yes! Imagine him as your butler....

BigW Tue 08-Oct-13 11:35:32

Zachary did you just make that? Or did you just having knocking around?

FatPenguin Tue 08-Oct-13 11:35:39

And it goes in the dishwasher and back in the cupboard envy
So it was a pee beaker, it has now progressed onto a penis beaker.... What next? Will you potty train with it?

BigW Tue 08-Oct-13 11:36:13

blush x post

RetroHippy Tue 08-Oct-13 11:37:38

Well, I've had my eyes opened re: popping candy. I did try the old 'champagne Aldi Prosecco blow job' once. It didn't go down well.

Haha. Go down. That wasn't even on purpose.


Is the penis beaker permanently filled up and ready, or is the filling of the beaker a subtle sign that you're in the mood?

If he fills up the PB in anticipation, but you don't want any PB fun do you pour it away again?

Do you never have spontaneous sex somewhere without a penis beaker to hand?


FTR I'm a slattern that just falls asleep afterwards! or calls a taxi

KatoPotato Tue 08-Oct-13 11:38:59

Penis Beaker is top rack safe...

mumtosome61 Tue 08-Oct-13 11:41:19

The beaker could just be the one indication of imminent copulation.

The beaker is empty.... = peaceful night
That beaker is overflowing = bed's'a'rocking.

Takes a whole new meaning to the phrase "...the glass half empty/half full"

KatoPotato Tue 08-Oct-13 11:41:49

It's like the ACDO in the windowsill during the war!

SaraCrewe Tue 08-Oct-13 11:42:19

<snort> at potty training with it. Yes, yes I will.

There's no such thing as a subtle cue for sex in this house anymore. We stare at each other wide eyed and exclaim "the baby is asleep! let's shag! quick!" and dash around gathering all the necessary equipment, including penis beaker. It's really romantic.

KatoPotato Tue 08-Oct-13 11:42:46

OMO, not ACDO!

SayCoolNowSayWhip Tue 08-Oct-13 11:44:04

It all sounds exhausting! Too much effort IMO. Plus, once one already has children, there's no need to attempt anymore, right?

LoopThePoop Tue 08-Oct-13 11:44:40

Thank god for condoms!

Washing in the sink is boak too.
Not as boak as the beaker though.

BigW Tue 08-Oct-13 11:44:46

SouthernComforts I know! I have a lot of the same questions!

I can imagine a argument ending with 'and you can put that penis beaker away for starters!'

Or romantic nights:

'Get your penis beaker, you've pulled'

lollylaughs Tue 08-Oct-13 11:44:52

and dash around gathering all the necessary equipment, including penis beaker. It's really romantic.

Pray tell, what other necessary equipment do you have wink

SayCoolNowSayWhip Tue 08-Oct-13 11:44:53

Kato, I read that as ACDC.

Had image of all the soldiers striding out to the trenches to Back in Black.

KatoPotato Tue 08-Oct-13 11:45:09

here you go!

It has phrases too! 'Oooh that tickles!'

KatoPotato Tue 08-Oct-13 11:45:55

HAHA! SayCool!

SaraCrewe Tue 08-Oct-13 11:48:16

'Get your penis beaker, you've pulled hahaha!

Pray tell, what other necessary equipment do you have No, you're all too mean! grin

magimedi Tue 08-Oct-13 11:52:16

I am crying with laughter.

What really gets me is that SaraCrewe is, of course,

A Little Princess

(Posting that with humor, OP grin )

SayCoolNowSayWhip Tue 08-Oct-13 11:52:34

'And you can put your penis beaker away for starters!'

Actually laughed out loud at that.

Adikia Tue 08-Oct-13 11:52:36

^ "the baby is asleep! let's shag! quick!" ^ when mine were that little it was more like "Yay, the baby is asleep, I'm going to eat something in peace and go to sleep!"

MissBattleaxe Tue 08-Oct-13 11:52:41

I stick my fanjo in a salad spinner and hope for the best.

FreshWest Tue 08-Oct-13 11:53:20

*BigW" ha ha ha ha ha (cannot stop laughing at this thread)

riskit4abiskit Tue 08-Oct-13 12:01:49

Is there a jolly slogan on side of said beaker?

'Keep calm and rinse your shlong?'
'You don't have to be a sex hygiene maniac to live here but it helps'

riskit4abiskit Tue 08-Oct-13 12:07:51

Saracrewe I wish you were my friend you sound ace!

FreshWest Tue 08-Oct-13 12:11:21

Oooh SaraCrewe you made it to Classics!!

liquidstate Tue 08-Oct-13 12:12:45

Oh dear. This information could have substantial ramifications into our knowledge of the ancient beaker peoples. grin

<goes off to reread undergrad research>

SaraCrewe Tue 08-Oct-13 12:14:57

Oh noooooo! blush I definitely have to NC now.

LovesBeingOnHoliday Tue 08-Oct-13 12:18:10


I've poked myself in the eye from crying at this thread.

wouldn't his balls knock against the glass cause a wave?

<cries more>

Gives a whole new slant on the Beaker People.

TanteRose Tue 08-Oct-13 12:36:49

Haven't laughed so much in ages grin

Bearbehind Tue 08-Oct-13 12:42:02

This is the funniest thread I've ever read!

I won't ever think of Tracy Beaker in the same way now and every time I see Philip Glenister on the TV I won't think of him saying 'Fire up the Quattro' it'll be 'Fill up the Beaker'


Kaluki Tue 08-Oct-13 12:44:11

I stick my fanjo in a salad spinner and hope for the best
grin grin
That actually made me choke on my coffee!!!

I have visions of the cock cup being held by a swiss woman saying "ooh ambasadoor wiz zis spunk water you are really spoiling uz" whilst a naked man in a tricorn hat slowly rotates his appendage in a jam jar full of cloudy water. Have I gone too far? I fear so.

GeraldineAubergine You just sit down dear - I'll put the kettle on and make us a nice cup of tea.

grin grin

Sara, next time you must set off for the bathroom as usual, then stand outside the bedroom door for 30 seconds before re-entering on the spurious grounds that you have forgotten something, so that you can see exactly how he performs the knob wash and report back!

cocoleBOO Tue 08-Oct-13 13:03:01

Good grief, if I saw someone advancing on my foof with a mouthful of crackling sweets I'd kick him in the face.
That can't be hygenic.

No knob dunking here. Wipe with a tissue, and then wash the tissue stuck all over his willy off in the morning.

Bearbehind Tue 08-Oct-13 13:11:31

Hundreds of women are going to eye their OH's very suspiciously tonight if they even dare enter the bedroom carrying a vessel of any description!

They'll either burst out laughing or zip up their onesies!

ActuallyMadness Tue 08-Oct-13 13:20:15

Here it's - 'yay, the baby's asleep, I'd better get on MN and find out more about penis beakers' .....

tshirtsuntan Tue 08-Oct-13 13:23:49

Omg- my OH can barely drink out of a beaker without dribbling it down his front, I dread to think of the splashing cocky mess that would ensue if he tried to waggle his knob in one.......;)

Blatherskite Tue 08-Oct-13 13:27:21

The tricorn hat and the jam jar full of cloudy water has finished me off. I can no longer breathe for laughing grin

Please, please, pleeeeaaasssee tell us what the other necessary equipment is! I feel like all my sexual conquests to date have been severely lacking as I've never needed more than a condom, a bit of tissue and a wee!

Still18atheart Tue 08-Oct-13 13:39:40

Adds a whole new definition to the word cocktail.

buildingmycorestrength Tue 08-Oct-13 13:45:37

Still18 you have just won Mumsnet.

roundtable Tue 08-Oct-13 14:03:28

I think I'm going to regret asking this but how, where and when is the penis beaker washed? grin

In the dishwasher, apparently!

KatoPotato Tue 08-Oct-13 14:06:39

Top rack.

RevelsRoulette Tue 08-Oct-13 14:08:51

so all the salty goodness can drip down onto the rest of the dishes.

I'm never going for dinner at her house.

Off course. It's bright green plastic. Plastic things always have to go in the top rack or they disintegrate more quickly.

Of course, even.

I thought I was unusual with my muff sieve but im practically ordinary.

RevelsRoulette Tue 08-Oct-13 14:36:33

With your what now?

what on earth do you keep up your muff that requires sieving?

kotinka Tue 08-Oct-13 14:41:49

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RevelsRoulette Tue 08-Oct-13 14:42:20


DameFanny Tue 08-Oct-13 14:48:44

Waaaaah! [laughwee]

I was just getting back in control of my face when hiddenhome posted her viakal tip


DameFanny Tue 08-Oct-13 14:49:29

Muff sieve?

YoniTime Tue 08-Oct-13 14:51:09

No OP I never dunk my penis. (It doesn't exist) Is it a common activity among other female individuals?

SkodaLabia Tue 08-Oct-13 14:56:35

Does he put Steradent in it?

ohmeohmyforgotlogin Tue 08-Oct-13 15:34:53
HeirToTheIronThrone Tue 08-Oct-13 15:49:07

I am CRYING at my desk. I am going to have to tell my colleagues I am upset about something and never explain...

This is BIZARRE! I've been around the block in my youth and never ever come across this! With DH I do go to the loo after - but mostly for cystitis avoidance - and he goes to sleep... It's just our bed after all and we shower first thing in the morning and change the sheets regularly! If he needs to he wipes on the pants he's taken off which are chucked straight in the laundry...

Oblomov Tue 08-Oct-13 16:04:37

Who knew. Dh and I normally just roll over and start snoring.
What a different world you all live in.

SayCoolNowSayWhip Tue 08-Oct-13 16:31:21

I still want to know about the muff sieve.....

jezzasjockstrap Tue 08-Oct-13 17:59:00

DD1 has just asked me what's so funny...reduced to Muttley sniggers here.

Dillytante Tue 08-Oct-13 18:20:41

Stop making me laugh! I have bronchitis & it hurts!

forthegin Tue 08-Oct-13 18:49:43

Just told DP about this thread.

He thinks penis beaker is a brilliant idea confused

Orangeanddemons Tue 08-Oct-13 18:54:42

Muff sieve wtf? where is that mentioned?

OMG! My Mother always had a glass of milk at the side of the bed, well that's what she said it was when she would ask me to fetch it for cleaning, it was always cheesy.

RevelsRoulette Tue 08-Oct-13 19:01:18

ahh. 'milk'

Now you know.


jezzasjockstrap Tue 08-Oct-13 19:44:12

A man after sex was quite silly
Grabbed a beaker and dunked in his willy
He found her false teeth
In the water beneath
And now they've renamed him Jilly.

Im not disclosing the secrets of my muff sieve as you all laughed at op's penis beaker and im sensitive. However, I am willing to pm about quim combs.

HowlerMonkey Tue 08-Oct-13 19:53:19

Men all over Britain (and beyond) will be experimentally dangling their todgers in beakers tonight as a result of this thread DH already has

I hope you're satisfied op grin

FTRsMammy Tue 08-Oct-13 19:55:59

Only about 10 comments in but had to post to say arf at RevelsRoulette whole response gringringrin

miffybun73 Tue 08-Oct-13 19:57:40

No, I have never ever heard of this.

HairyGrotter Tue 08-Oct-13 19:58:48

Well I never...fancy dunking your junk in a beaker!

DP and I are lazy feckers, neither of us bother with anything after dtd, we just fall asleep

Oh sweet jesus! I might pee laughing. Ds1 keeps looking at me like this confused

Thank you op


MissMarplesBloomers Tue 08-Oct-13 20:18:26

Crying with laughter here......just wondering what on EARTH you lot use for search terms on Google to come up with those links!!!!

<note to self clear browsing history!>

how about this for washing?

This link comes with a health warning: Do not click if you have a fear of fishy things

HowlerMonkey Tue 08-Oct-13 20:40:21

And DH has just announced 'Daddy's going DUNKING!'


SayCoolNowSayWhip Tue 08-Oct-13 20:59:09

I asked DH 'what would you think if I said penis beaker?'

His reply was an x rated version of Sesame Street.....

KatoPotato Tue 08-Oct-13 21:28:44

DH looked disgusted... He said you can clean nothing by dunking, think what happens when you put a paintbrush in a water jar...

tessibear69 Tue 08-Oct-13 23:51:57

This has gone viral! I was summoned here by a shared facebook post!
There is never a need to have a clean up if you make sure you finish on his side and leave him the wet patch! There is a need for a wipe then we just use the clothes that are on the floor next to the bed that we have 'usually' just taken off. If you put them in the laundry basket first you have a major OCD problem! lol

maesepp Wed 09-Oct-13 00:15:52

Ha Ha this is great. I this what 50 shades is like.... When he threw me onto the bed he knocked his dunking cup over. When he pulled out he wiped it on the curtain so I sat on his pillow.

BillyBanter Wed 09-Oct-13 00:30:22

you may change your name, but only if you change it to penisbeaker.

ZacharyQuack Wed 09-Oct-13 00:42:15

Is this your DH?

taykiniteasy Wed 09-Oct-13 00:45:58

@OP...can I make a suggestion for the coming winter months. Why not use a thermos instead to keep the water nice and warm..nothing more certain to wake him up with a jolt than dipping his dick in a beaker full(or half full as discussed earlier) of ice cold water. A thermos will probably be roomier and if you can find a neck which just fits him, he can plug it with his balls (unless he likes to dunk them too but you never mentioned this) while he rather luxuriously swishes his dick around in warm swirling water. A much cleaner dick, and Ill bet a happier one too ..which is all good since youre married to him
Im loathe to leave you having to get up and go to the bathroom while you DH is too lazy to get out of bed and I do think you should have something you can call your own.

LilithSternin Wed 09-Oct-13 00:47:29

I was supposed to be going to bed...just sat in actual tears of laughter at this one. "Grab your beaker, you've pulled" finished me off grin

curiousmax192 Wed 09-Oct-13 00:53:39

if it helps, we dnt use a condom, so i always have a pack of baby wipes beside bed, so as i can run to bathroom without it all dripping down my leg, and he wipes himself off

Laughing so much I'm biting my pillow so as not to wake DH.

PenisBeaker Wed 09-Oct-13 05:47:36

Ta-Da !!

AMAZED this has gone to classics, it's not even that funny! It's just a cockwash!

DameFanny Wed 09-Oct-13 08:53:55

Penis beakers, pillow biting and it's not even Friday...

reeling at the thought of what's swishing around in the dishwasher, and is it an equal opportunity household - does one take turns in beaker clean-up duties? Most of all thank you for sharing - who knew I would have to consider this topic... ever!

I just use dhs dirty boxer shorts, failing that a speedy trip to the loo does the trick, but a cup, eww what if someone drank it confused

As for dh his pants just go back on to wipe up, ahem, any spillagegrin

spiderlight Wed 09-Oct-13 09:26:10

He needs one of these

jennie82 Wed 09-Oct-13 09:41:30

this has made me laugh, how funny

jennie82 Wed 09-Oct-13 09:45:35

we both just go separately to the toilet after and use baby wipes and shower in the morning, never ever heard of anything like a penis beaker but it makes for fun and entertaining reading, this is hilarious!

GreenEggsAndNichts Wed 09-Oct-13 09:50:00

grin jezza!

dingit Wed 09-Oct-13 09:54:18

This thread is very enlightening! I did wonder why DH swapped his short bedside tumbler for a long glass. He denies it, and just said 'nah, just wipe your cock with your sock'

flamingtoaster Wed 09-Oct-13 10:05:29

Should we all be looking for shopping lists with "penis beaker" on it now? (Maybe we should all leave fictitious lists with "penis beaker" in the middle of it in supermarkets this week and start a new trend...).

janeypoos Wed 09-Oct-13 10:08:08

This thread is hilarious! I've cried my eye make-up off twice so far and I'm now running 15 minutes late for my appointment with my shrink. I may just cancel it :D

SayCoolNowSayWhip Wed 09-Oct-13 10:08:49

And still no word regarding the muff sieve??

DrSeuss Wed 09-Oct-13 10:13:59

Beaker? Surely a hi ball glass would be better?!

Soozart Wed 09-Oct-13 10:14:39

Only dunking in our bedroom is biscuits in tea on Sundays
Penis dunking goes on in the bathroom. Sports bottle for drinking water is a good move!

ZeEm Wed 09-Oct-13 10:37:52

I don't have a dedicated cup. Sometimes i'll just spit into an empty crisp packet and lower myself into it carefully.

radiohelen Wed 09-Oct-13 10:44:14

It's not a post sex dunk but I have a friend who was obsessed with having a boy baby. She used to make her husband dip his knob in a glass of water with bicarb in it morning and night before and after work while they were ttc! It was referred to as 'knob dip'.
They had a special beaker which they have since destroyed! It did not have a slogan on it.

For the record... no we don't. I am moderately paranoid that at some point a policeman with a black light will scan my sheets and think what a slovenly housekeeper so there is a bit of clean up.

YoniTime Wed 09-Oct-13 10:56:13

I still can't get over that is says YOUR penis.

xXjunebugXx Wed 09-Oct-13 10:59:09

I don't think I have heard anything so absurd, I mean this is piss funny but ridiculous!
Penis beaker!!! Jesus wept!

TheyCallMeMrPig Wed 09-Oct-13 11:14:58

How hard is it makes Chandleresque drum noise to pop to the bathroom for a bit of loo roll for him and a quick wipe for you? A designated area? You must be at it like bunnies you lucky filthy cow

animaniac Wed 09-Oct-13 11:15:20

this thread is now being discussed on Twitter by quite a few 'celebs'.....amazing

laura123wootten Wed 09-Oct-13 11:15:55

omg i was having a shit day until
i read this !! thanks for the entertainment !! one little tip .. *some things are better left unsaid*��

gdpreston Wed 09-Oct-13 11:20:23

Next to my four post I have a velvet box full of various silks which I use to clean Rupert.

smsm Wed 09-Oct-13 11:24:55

this is quite weird - why bother? Don't use MN much, now I know why! ;-)

doorkeeper Wed 09-Oct-13 11:27:30

I've laughed a lot at this thread, and I think the OP is now my favourite mumsnetter. Hats off to you, SaraCrewe.

oldstripy Wed 09-Oct-13 11:32:24

Aah that's funny - this is such an endearing thread

oldstripy Wed 09-Oct-13 11:36:44

-howls- tooth mug violation . Penis beaker , I'm going to start trending this switches to twitter

oldstripy Wed 09-Oct-13 11:39:56

-howls- tooth mug violation . Penis beaker , I'm going to start trending this switches to twitter

oldstripy Wed 09-Oct-13 11:40:34

Someone PLEASE say something funny about Cilitbang smile

oldstripy Wed 09-Oct-13 11:41:16

Trending #penisbeaker now

SaggyIsHavingAPinkKitten Wed 09-Oct-13 11:43:26


Twistandbust Wed 09-Oct-13 11:45:01

This has seriously brightened my otherwise miserable day - thanks OP you are an actual star for starting this.
Will laugh for weeks at the thought of anyone saying "Get your beaker you've pulled"

dingit Wed 09-Oct-13 11:48:41

Cillitbang- one dunk and the spunk has gone smile

my dh lovingly passes me a pair of his used underpants from who knows when from down the side of the bed and usually pops a dirty sock on his penis.

classy here too

cinnamontoast Wed 09-Oct-13 11:54:30

saracrewe (can't bring myself even to type your new name), you might like to know that I was directed to this by Caitlin Moran on Twitter. THAT's how far your fame has spread. Just don't open the door to any tabloid journalists.

dingit Wed 09-Oct-13 11:55:33

That reminds me of that great rhyme

In days of old, when knights were bold,
And johnnies weren't invented
They wrapped their socks around their cocks,
And fucked away contented.

SingingSands Wed 09-Oct-13 12:02:22

Fucking hell, I've nearly burst trying not to laugh on the train! This is brilliant.

Ravenista Wed 09-Oct-13 12:02:52

From now on, instead of saying 'how do you like them apples' or suchlike I will be saying 'so stick that in your penis beaker and swill it'. Is that how arguments are concluded in your house SaraCrewe (living legend)?

ChallyCreaks Wed 09-Oct-13 12:03:00

saracrewe you have also made it onto my FB page via The Metro London newspaper. You are well famous innit.

radiohelen Wed 09-Oct-13 12:05:14

Ooooh look... it's in Metro here

mcgandhi Wed 09-Oct-13 12:05:27

professorcrouchsnife Wed 09-Oct-13 12:12:35

At the risk of being labelled rude and crass (even in this thread!!), then whatever happened to the good old 'wank sock'? If you want something to wipe up jizz and quam then it's as good as anything else...and there's always a plentiful supply around the bedroom floor!

They have the added bonus of turning into 'crusty footballs' overnight, just in time for a morning kick-around. grin

Twistandbust Wed 09-Oct-13 12:15:26

How long before Saracrewe is sitting on the couch opposite Philip and Holie? May be next to Katie Hopkins???

lalahotpants Wed 09-Oct-13 12:16:00

This is the best thread ever! Thank you for the laugh...i just use a towel lol

allchatnicknamesgone Wed 09-Oct-13 12:19:28

SaraCrewe. Do not fret. You are not alone. My bedside table is home to Zoflora, dishcloth (damp), pint glass (naturally) and douche bag. The only passion killer is that he prefers the water tepid so we have to pre-plan our sexy time a little.

mammamic Wed 09-Oct-13 12:27:56

SarahCrewe - this is the funniest thread I've ever read on MN. AND I read it all. Will you be my friend? People need friends like you to make us feel a bit less mad.

As your friend, I feel I should be honest and have a serious talk with you. You clearly need to see a doctor about your OCD around cleanliness. And take DH along with you.

Also, when the journos and tv crews come a knocking, and they will, make sure you get a good publicist and manager - rake in the dosh while this topic's hot.

And lastly, I was crying with laughter - hysterically, and my mum is sitting next to me asking me what I'm laughing at. I have just had the most uncomfortable share ever (I couldn't actually say it out loud to her - I made her read it - she wasn't amused - it was more a look of horror..)


rabbit68 Wed 09-Oct-13 12:28:28

cheered me up on a grey day. You lot are barmy!

(towel/babywipes/sex-wee/dunk in sink) grin

Blatherskite Wed 09-Oct-13 12:29:45

Having a 'thank god I'm not the op' moment. Hasn't she already said that they were outed by a friend over the penis beaker? Now this thread is all over Twitter, facebook and the Metro! There is no way that someone who knows the op is not going to see this!

escape Wed 09-Oct-13 12:39:45

There's a #penisbeakershops hashtag on twitter

cookymonster Wed 09-Oct-13 12:42:51

This thread is both terrifying and marvelous at the same time.

Mumsnet's Barmy Army.

MummyBarrow Wed 09-Oct-13 12:43:06

Has anybody contacted NotOnTheHighStreet with this idea as a Christmas Gift must have?

And secondly is filling up this beaker considered foreplay?

spies fresh water in glass in for a good time tonight?

dee1969 Wed 09-Oct-13 12:44:45

Now I know where all the odd socks have gone, glued to the underside of the bed when he has used them as spunk wipes

Jottersmum Wed 09-Oct-13 12:44:50

This is the most hilarious conversation I have ever read.

Do you dunk your penis??? Who in earth would think to do that, it's gross. Go to the bathroom like normal people lol

This is going to go viral in Facebook, it's how I found it.

gussiegrips Wed 09-Oct-13 12:45:12

Not cillitbang - "clit-bang".

That's what I expect happens if you put cillitbang in your penis beaker. Will explode your clitoris right off, and not in a good way.

Jottersmum Wed 09-Oct-13 12:45:29

I have to ask: how often do you change the water?? Lmao

MammaBean1988 Wed 09-Oct-13 12:49:38

This is amazing. Best thread ever. We have designated "sex drawers" in our bedside unit, including wipes and tissues etc for cleaning up afterwards. Quite often just stick to the post coital glow instead. No beakers here! Love the idea though.

MissBattleaxe Wed 09-Oct-13 12:55:25

"I've topped up your cock mug, it's your lucky night"

SkodaLabia Wed 09-Oct-13 12:55:41

allchat, Zoflora?! shock

hopenglory Wed 09-Oct-13 12:57:33

Seeing this on twitter has dragged me out of retirement.

I'm off to write a new kids book for the That's not....series

'That's not my penis beaker, it is too deep'

Orchardbeck Wed 09-Oct-13 13:05:00

I started reading this this morning and have just revisited, my 2 1/2 yo wants to know what's so funny, as does my 11 week old who keeps beaming back at me. I found the link on Horse and Hound Online, it will be everywhere soon!

tuffcookie Wed 09-Oct-13 13:08:20

sarahcrewe please if you are ever in front of phil and hollie i want to know i want to watch you have really brightened up my wednesday morning, its viral, its everywhere, nobody will be able to look a green cup in the face again.

wonder if anybody dares go to a supermarket and put a load of green cups in their basket ?

Dementedhousewife Wed 09-Oct-13 13:09:52

Oh my, tears are running down my face! I can never look at a Dairylea Dunkem again without being reminded of this thread. classic!

Louise2020 Wed 09-Oct-13 13:13:00

We just flop back and let the dogs clean up, it's even easier now we have two.

hopenglory Wed 09-Oct-13 13:14:15

I also want to know whether this knob washing was a skill he came with or whether you had a hand in the training so to speak. I've heard of small boys being taught to aim for the loo by using ping pong balls as targets. What target did you have floating in the cock cup?

tazc88 Wed 09-Oct-13 13:20:46

this has been my morning entertainment reading this. it's already working it's way round Facebook and Twitter. i have a green beaker cup at home that my son uses. i'll never be able to watch him drink from that again without laughing hysterically!!

Groovee Wed 09-Oct-13 13:30:04

Would never have thought of that. Dh uses what ever is close at hand to clean up.

TakeawayBear Wed 09-Oct-13 13:39:55

My good lady would clean that bad boy up herself with her cake-hole. Then it'd be time for a tic-tac (for her) and a kip smile

(This might be a slight exaggeration... We don't have any tic-tacs)

MildredB Wed 09-Oct-13 13:40:28

Do you prepare and take the beaker in with you every time you have sex? What about a spontaneous quickie? We clean up at some point but it's never so urgent that we need a specific penis bath.

Op you have made my morning grin

Is it just a quick dunk or does he swoosh it round??

I'll never be able to look at the big green cups in my cupboard in the same way again!

oinktopus Wed 09-Oct-13 13:41:48

I have to get up to have a wee because very early in my sex career, I didn't clean up and there was an incident which saw my penis welded to the bedsheets.

MmeLindor Wed 09-Oct-13 13:42:17

I saw #penisbeaker on Twitter and thought 'it must be Mumsnet'

themonsteratemyspacebar Wed 09-Oct-13 13:46:05

This thread is famous already!!! grin

(If link doesn't work, just go to buzzfeed website and its one of your top options)