My tip of the day for you all.

(324 Posts)
MissStrawberry Fri 04-Oct-13 09:07:28

You can thank me later.

When you want to get out of the car, it is always sensible, and useful, to take your seat belt off first.

You're welcome grin.

sonlypuppyfat Fri 04-Oct-13 09:11:38

My mum always always tries to open the car door while I'm still parking. And funny enough thinks I'm a nasty bitch for telling her not to

wheretoyougonow Fri 04-Oct-13 09:19:19

I also have a tip. When spraying deodorant under your arms, it's best to double check you haven't picked up hairspray insteadgrin

Ledkr Fri 04-Oct-13 09:20:18

Never buy a mermaid tights. grin

ifyouwish Fri 04-Oct-13 09:22:54

And the remote control does NOT belong in the fridge. That's somewhere you'll never think of looking until you wonder why the butter is still out!

Hope I've helped too smile

valiumredhead Fri 04-Oct-13 09:23:45

grin

DiaryOfAWimpyMum Fri 04-Oct-13 09:26:10

grin

I also need to remember to look in the mirror more than once when reserving out of my space on Mondays, it's recycling day and last week I reversed into and knocked over an empty wheelie bin

StarlightShiningBright Fri 04-Oct-13 09:27:20

Don't try to drive down a motorway with your handbreak on.

It's not good!

HenriettaPye Fri 04-Oct-13 09:27:22

Never yawn while putting on hairspray confused

ZingWantsCake Fri 04-Oct-13 09:29:42

when making apple juice for your toddler it is preferable to use apple squash, not washing up liquid

ZingWantsCake Fri 04-Oct-13 09:30:59

don't pee on the the toilet with the lid still down

ZingWantsCake Fri 04-Oct-13 09:32:18

don't put your car keys and mobile phone in the fridge.

it makes it much harder to find them!

DameFanny Fri 04-Oct-13 09:32:31

The general rule is one contact lens per eye. Hth.

FruOla Fri 04-Oct-13 09:32:47

wheretoyougonow, DP's version of that would be : when spraying deodorant under your arms, it's best to double check you haven't picked up lurid blue shaving foam instead. Oh I grin grin

willyoulistentome Fri 04-Oct-13 09:35:06

...or when rubbing on your deodorant stick - make sure you are not dressed already.

GiddyStars Fri 04-Oct-13 09:35:35

Don't mix up Batiste dry shampoo and deodorant grin

You're welcome.

When trying to squeeze a garlic press and failing, don't think "I know, I'll get more leverage if I put it upside down on teh counter a d press with all my might." It will create a garlic splurt up your nose and in your eyes which freaking stings, and You will smell only garlic, nothing else, for 3 days and nights and mornings and evenings and afternoons...

Chaos, the voice of reason.

ghostonthecanvas Fri 04-Oct-13 09:37:42

Always check you are wearing matching shoes before leaving the house

losersaywhat Fri 04-Oct-13 09:37:46

Dont refill your soap dispenser with anti bacterial hand soap then use it to take off your eye make up forgetting to shut your eyes first. shock My eyeballs felt like they were going to explode, not a mistake ill make again.

CadleCrap Fri 04-Oct-13 09:38:41

Check jeans for knickers.

ZingWantsCake Fri 04-Oct-13 09:40:10

take out old tampon before inserting new one.

GinGuzzler Fri 04-Oct-13 09:40:24

Make sure your top is not inside out before you leave the house as you are stuck like that till you return home...

FlatsInDagenham Fri 04-Oct-13 09:43:36

Ensure your debit card is in your purse before starting your supermarket shop. Or at least check before you get to the till, have packed it all into bags and have three more customers waiting and tutting behind you. blush

Inthechelseahotel Fri 04-Oct-13 09:45:14

When someone offers to walk your dog for you make sure they understand how to pick up poo with the bag otherwise they might feel they have to pick up the poo with their hand to place it in the bag grin grin grin

ZingWantsCake Fri 04-Oct-13 09:47:18

gin I did that yesterdaygrin

where were you to warn me?wink

BuzzardBirdBloodBath Fri 04-Oct-13 09:51:20

Don't clean your teeth with hair removing cream...unless you have hairy teeth grin

hudyerwheesht Fri 04-Oct-13 09:57:24

Don't ever dissolve a stock cube in a mug if you happen to be drinking a mug of tea whilst cooking - just in case you should pick up the wrong mug for a quick slurp.
<boak>

TheCrumpetQueen Fri 04-Oct-13 09:59:51

Chaos grin

Next time you do that rub a lemon all over your face, kills the smell of garlic. I always use it on my fingers after cooking with it as I hate the smell

GinGuzzler Fri 04-Oct-13 10:01:34

Zing I was clearly oblivious to your inside out top as I was to focused on getting home as quickly as possible to put my own clothing right grin

Tee2072 Fri 04-Oct-13 10:02:30

Always turn on the burner or the water will never boil for pasta.

TheProsAndConsOfHitchhiking Fri 04-Oct-13 10:02:51

Never Ever EVER skip with an imaginary skipping rope, They are lethal!

You could even brake your leg by doing so not that I did, honestly blush

ZingWantsCake Fri 04-Oct-13 10:04:13

tee

equally having the kettle/toaster plugged in does aid the process of heating up the water/toadting bread.

GinGuzzler Fri 04-Oct-13 10:05:13

Not me but an old school friend

Don't think baby oil is a good alternative for a VO5 hot oil hair treatment... Her hair was revolting for a week and a whole bottle of fairy washing up liquid was used trying to clean it...

jerryfudd Fri 04-Oct-13 10:06:12

If you have a keyless car it is wise to turn off the engine before getting out and walking off (wondering why the alarm was refusing to set)

TheProsAndConsOfHitchhiking Fri 04-Oct-13 10:06:35

Oh and when you are about to have a head on collision with a van it is a good idea to push hard on the brakes, not the accelerator!

LittleMissWise Fri 04-Oct-13 10:07:19

The kettle doesn't live in the fridge and the milk doesn't go on the kettle stand!

I was getting really annoyed with the kettle because it wouldn't fit in the rack on the fridge door!

GinGuzzler Fri 04-Oct-13 10:07:43

Oh and this was me...

MrGins daughters came to oursbone weekend with headlice. I panicked and washed my hair with a whole bottle of Bob Martins dog flea shampoo... It burns your eyes people...

Don't leave your keys somewhere DH can mistake them for his own and pick them up next morning when his are already in his pocket and thus accidentally lock you in the flat all day with no means of escape.

GinGuzzler Fri 04-Oct-13 10:09:47

Also... Remove the sock puppet from your hand when deciding to staple hair on it...

somersethouse Fri 04-Oct-13 10:11:01

Take your knickers off before you get into the shower. HTH

ZingWantsCake Fri 04-Oct-13 10:14:21

don't ever think for a second that sleeping in is allowed or else!

- your DD1 (me) will persuade your DD2 (sis) that she is a good hairdresser and will cut her hair. or at least some of it. more at the front though and with a lot of skin showing as she thinks that "mauled by a dog" is a fashionable look.

- your children will decide to waterproof your sofa covers and their hair & clothes by spreading Vaseline on everything.
in a VERY thick layer. (DS2 & DS2 aged 3.5 & 2 respectively)

cakesonatrain Fri 04-Oct-13 10:14:44

When posting a birthday card (or anything, for that matter), remember to put a stamp on first. Remembering once your toddler has already posted it is too late.

ZingWantsCake Fri 04-Oct-13 10:17:35

leave ypu front door and all your windows wide open when leaving the house for 3 hours to do the school run and shopping.

it is THE BEST way of deterring burglars as it gives a clear signal that you have nothing that is worth stealing.
also makes the delivery man's job easier

win-win!

IBelieveInEngels Fri 04-Oct-13 10:19:10

Try to remember whether you put your scarf or cross body bag on first to prevent inelegant self strangulation in front of your colleagues on arrival at work.

IBelieveInEngels Fri 04-Oct-13 10:20:03

Norah I did that to exDP once!

I hope your ex DP bore it as uncomplainingly as I did smile

DanielMcSpaniel Fri 04-Oct-13 10:22:08

Don't put your electric kettle on the hob to boil...

ZingWantsCake Fri 04-Oct-13 10:23:20

always put your address on back of a letrer or a parcel for necessary returns.

put stamp on the same side as your own address ONLY if you need more time to think about whether you want to send that parcel or letter to someone else. This way when you recive the bloody parcel a week later you are now in a position to make te the right decision.

I don't suggest that you send the parcel to yourself for the second time. unless you are very indecisive. and have lots of money and time to waste!

GinGuzzler Fri 04-Oct-13 10:25:30

Oven gloves were invented for a reason.

Don't try to push a red fucking hot pyrex dish across the bench after just removing it from the oven 5 minutes earlier. You will undoubtedly end up with blisters.

BackforGood Fri 04-Oct-13 10:25:54

grin
Thank you ladies - these are all useful and I am taking notes.

Makes you wonder how those poor deprived souls who haven't found MN yet, manage... wink

Ezza1 Fri 04-Oct-13 10:26:12

Its usually best to boil potatoes in water as opposed to a dry pan.

DanielMcSpaniel Fri 04-Oct-13 10:26:49

Ok this one isn't me, its the person who I bought my house from:

Don't apply for new buildings & contents insurance costing £600 using your old address. You may find its not valid as you last lived there 6 years ago.

When nervously lying in the dentist chair and being told by the dentist that "he's going to do some impressions now", don't start launching into a monologue of "Oooh. What you going to do?! A bit of Jimmy Saville? "Now then. Now then" Oh no. We can't do him anymore can we? How about Columbo? "Jussht one more thing...""

It will be met by stony faced silence and leave the impression (no pun intended) that you are clearly quite mad confused

You're welcome smile

lucysmam Fri 04-Oct-13 10:43:33

haha, this thread has had me giggling all the way to town with dd2 grin grin

My own personal tip.....

hairspray and deodorant do NOT live in the fridge....or pantry.....or under the sink!! It took me four goes the other day to get them back to the bathroom shelf where they DO live hmm

ZingWantsCake Fri 04-Oct-13 10:48:08

don't ever expect your children to be ready on time in the morning.

I hear you say "but what about a 12-year-old?"

sorry? are you actually mad? don't you know that ALL children have selective amnesia when it comes to the simple routine of breakfast-bathroom - clothes on?

Also don't use the word "hurry" as they will only hear "take your time, no rush and best if you wind your brother up so he doesn't get ready either"

so don't fight it and just accept it that they have the upperhand and you will never win the game of "Morning Rush"!

IvanaCake Fri 04-Oct-13 10:51:04

When carrying out your pre-bed beauty routine in the dark, make sure you put toner on your face and not nail varnish remover.

ZingWantsCake Fri 04-Oct-13 10:54:29

a car key is a far superior tool to a breadstick or a pencil when you attempt to turn the engine on.
just sayin'

Zing, are you the oracle?

ZingWantsCake Fri 04-Oct-13 10:56:21

don't cut off your eyelashes

ZingWantsCake Fri 04-Oct-13 10:56:47

grin

ZingWantsCake Fri 04-Oct-13 10:59:49

don't wash disposable nappies in the washing machine. it doesn't end well

Steffanoid Fri 04-Oct-13 11:00:39

when you have fallen over and smashed your knees up 2 days ago try to actually avoid kneeling at every opportunity because it hurts now and will every time

NoComet Fri 04-Oct-13 11:02:16

Remember to press end call, when leaving a message on schools answer phone.

GinGuzzler Fri 04-Oct-13 11:02:39

Zing I have done that so many times. I had to hoover the drum of the washing machine out contless times. The mess... It gets EVERYWHERE!!!

ZingWantsCake Fri 04-Oct-13 11:02:49

there's no such thing as "child-proof"
it's a con

GinGuzzler Fri 04-Oct-13 11:06:29

Never wrap your comb up with your fringe. I am still the butt of everyones jokes at work 5 year later after a colleague had to assist me to cut it out. I lost my fringe and my pride that day. My fringe was a mere tuft about 4mm long. I could do not a thing with it except get another cut in using hair from further back but I had to wait 2 days till my days off to go the hairdresser...

SalBeautyMoll Fri 04-Oct-13 11:07:06

grin grin

Loving these I feel more normal now

ZingWantsCake Fri 04-Oct-13 11:09:37

Zing's Laws of Motion (of children)

1. the louder you shout the slower they get

2. the less time you have the slower they get

3. the more distracted/busy you are the more active they get (making mess, fighting etc)

in summary whatever you do you are fuckef

ZingWantsCake Fri 04-Oct-13 11:10:36

fucked even

Mine is a driving one, ensure when reversing out onto your road that you do not do so into the path of a police car who was (slowly) driving out of the farm track opposite.

Not my finest driving moment.

MissStrawberry Fri 04-Oct-13 11:35:35

< has warm glow at helping so many people grin >

I have thought of another one. Always check you actually put the kettle on to boil after flicking the switch to filter the water through. <wasted pint of stock>.

ItsOkayItsJustMyBreath Fri 04-Oct-13 11:46:06

<takes notes>

Don't try and flush a poo down the sink.

Don't put your dirty knickers in the toilet.

Don't think that icing sugar will be an adequate substitute in your coffee.

It is recommended that you don't use After Sun as hair conditioner.

ItsOkayItsJustMyBreath Fri 04-Oct-13 11:46:43

The deodorant instead of dry hair shampoo actually works though blush

goodasitgets Fri 04-Oct-13 11:49:32

If you piss off a cat, it gets revenge by waking you at 4am brewbrew
Hth grin

redexpat Fri 04-Oct-13 11:59:13

Slow cookers are brilliant, especially when you go out for the day and come home to a lovely cooked meal ready. This is generally more successful if you plug the slow cooker in.

WhisperMen Fri 04-Oct-13 12:01:30

When making tea is usually helpful to put the teabag in the cup, not just boiling water and milk.

red paint is not a good substitute for ketchup.

When you get changed always remember to take your clothes off before you put the clean ones one. Similarly, ensure that all items of clothing are removed before you get into the shower or bath.

Food cooks quicker if the oven is on.

When doing a urine sample remember to not drop the pot down the loo. You will only end up having to explain to the midwife where your sample is and will get hmm faces.

telephones/remotes/keys/the newspaper don't belong in the freezer.

Always make sure you have both shoes on before you leave. Noticing when you are already on the bus isn't helpful.

one last thing. When a recipe asks for an egg, remember to crack the shell and then throw the shell in the bin. do not crack the shell and then crumble it into the mixture. Egg shell isn't a nice texture...

These are not things I have done. Not at all. Nope. Just things I have heard others do. I would never be so foolish...

ZiaMaria Fri 04-Oct-13 12:06:46

If the oven is on fire, it is helpful to use the fire extinguisher or fire blanket to resolve the problem. Calmly calling your spouse to deal with the issue is not the appropriate way to do things.

If the 'stickiness' on your hold ups is no longer sticky, spray hairspray on it immediately before wearing.

NorbertDentressangle Fri 04-Oct-13 12:06:53

When doing a tricky repair job with Superglue do it on a worktop or table not on your lap.

Doyouthinktheysaurus Fri 04-Oct-13 12:16:26

So if you happen to pass a man emptying one of those portable loo's with something resembling a hoover pipeyou have 2 xchoices, go round or step over the hoover pipe and carry on your merry way.

If you do the latter, you may spend some time wondering why the smell of chemically treated shit is following you! You may then get home to find a shoe caked in said shit.

I'd walk in the road well I will next time anyway grin

ZingWantsCake Fri 04-Oct-13 12:16:52

check tumble dryer for broken bits if orange crayon your child may have snuck in there BEFORE you tumble dry a load of whites

the toilet is NOT a bath for toys.good luck explaining that to an 18-month-old

not being able to sleep because your nails are too long or your feet were hot the day before are both valid reasons (if you are 6)

ZingWantsCake Fri 04-Oct-13 12:18:01

fire is hot.

true story

ItsOkayItsJustMyBreath Fri 04-Oct-13 12:18:45

Oooh, one of top tips EVER (thanks Norbert for reminding me)....

When supergluing the tip of a ballerina pump together, do NOT do it whilst wearing said shoe and certainly don't use your foot to press the ends together. You could become attached to the floor.

Oldandcobwebby Fri 04-Oct-13 12:19:37

Don't try to brush your teeth with Preparation H.

NorbertDentressangle Fri 04-Oct-13 12:21:22

ItsOkayItsJustMyBreath grin - are you banned by your family from using Superglue ever again? I am blush

ZingWantsCake Fri 04-Oct-13 12:22:53

Sibling Math:

4 divided by 2 equals 3 for me and 1 for you

geddit?

ZiaMaria Fri 04-Oct-13 12:24:27

Check that the chair is there before attempting to sit.

SPBisResisting Fri 04-Oct-13 12:24:36

"Also... Remove the sock puppet from your hand when deciding to staple hair on it..."

Pmsl grin

SoupDragon Fri 04-Oct-13 12:25:50

Vaseline is not a viable alternative to hair gel.
Only a buzz cut will remove Vaseline from the hair of a preschooler.

Thinkingofmyfabfour Fri 04-Oct-13 12:27:47

Don't try to wear your 2 year old's jacket. It is unlikely to fit and everyone will think you are a tit. You are very welcome grin

ZingWantsCake Fri 04-Oct-13 12:27:47

the more you clean the more tired you get
the more tired you get the less you clean

ergo: the more you clean the less you clean

so don't

ItsOkayItsJustMyBreath Fri 04-Oct-13 12:28:45

My family are perverse and I'm positively encouraged Norbert grin

MissStrawberry Fri 04-Oct-13 12:31:34

Don't try and superglue wall paper to the wall as you will glue your fingers together hmm.

WhisperMen Fri 04-Oct-13 12:32:39

I remembered another thing.

Deep freeze spray is not a suitable alternative to deodorant. You will find it difficult to put your arms down...

on a similar note, deep heat gel is not advised to be used instead of your allergy cream...

ZingWantsCake Fri 04-Oct-13 12:35:49

formula milk makes coffee taste like shit

MostlyLovingLurchers Fri 04-Oct-13 12:37:22

Socks are not suitable footwear when taking a toddler for an autumnal stroll through the woods. Oh no.

If you have a preference for having your feet washed at 4 am it is imperative that you allow lurchers to sleep in your bedroom.

SoupDragon Fri 04-Oct-13 12:37:34

Switch the stick blender off before attempting to remove the sharp bit.

GinGuzzler Fri 04-Oct-13 12:40:18

If you decide to tidy up a bit down there and decide veet is the way to go. Dont put in on then walk around the house as nobody is in. Unless bald os the look you were aiming for.

It never did grow back in the way it was...

[Sigh]

SayCoolNowSayWhip Fri 04-Oct-13 12:42:14

Wine tastes nice.

You're welcome!

SoupDragon Fri 04-Oct-13 12:45:20

Do not wash your fanjo with Tea Tree and Mint shower gel. Seriously, don't.

ChaosTrulyReigns your tip has reminded me .... don't buy nuts at Christmas time, then realise you haven't got any nutcrackers to open them, so try the garlic press instead - it really doesn't work, in fact it breaks the garlic press immediately and then you have to chop garlic instead of crush it indefinitely 'cos you're too pissed off to buy another one.

GinGuzzler Fri 04-Oct-13 12:47:18

Soup especially the original source black mint shower gel. shock shock shock

WhisperMen Fri 04-Oct-13 12:54:14

soup I did that this morning. It was an ordeal.

ZingWantsCake Fri 04-Oct-13 13:02:47

soup I did that too years ago.

you feel quite alive suddenly

GinGuzzler Fri 04-Oct-13 13:04:55

It kind of makes you turn operatic to a degree grin

Crutchlow35 Fri 04-Oct-13 13:06:20

it is a good idea to check you have put your skirt on before legging it out of the house to the bus stop so you are not late for work.

minihahawithafringe Fri 04-Oct-13 13:10:17

Turn the engine off before you put petrol in your car...otherwise the new petrol won't register on the needle and you will have to go into the petrol station to complain.

You will look like a tit that should be walking.

Crutchlow35 Fri 04-Oct-13 13:19:09

Oh and if you think your car needs petrol and you go to fill it up on the way to work make sure your good hearted husband hasn't done it for you the night before and you end up narking at the staff of said petrol station that there is something wrong with the pump.

Acinonyx Fri 04-Oct-13 13:29:33

After filling with petrol, put the petrol cap back on and don't leave it on the car roof. Sometimes you will be able to find it again at the roundabout where it flew off - sometimes you won't.

Don't fill your petrol car with diesel - it will look as though you are driving a small airplane down the motorway and destroy your engine.

Don't throw your car keys in the bin.

Do put the lid of the blender on before blending hot soup (I actually cried over the results over that one....).

HeffalumpTheFlump Fri 04-Oct-13 13:31:24

Check trainers for cat sick before you put your foot in them. Also turn the light on for night time toilet trips to avoid more cat sick between the toes.

Remove foil from nutella jar if you are going to warm it in the microwave.

Remove new expensive phone from jeans pocket before pulling them down to use the toilet. Smartphones cannot swim.

Do not rinse said smartphone under the tap to remove toilet germs. It does not help the situation at all.

HorseyGirl1 Fri 04-Oct-13 13:37:51

Cars need petrol - that is all.

HorseyGirl1 Fri 04-Oct-13 13:49:01

Oh wait there's more? Oil too and water you say? Well, well, well...

ifyouwish Fri 04-Oct-13 13:52:25

grin I've done the phone one, then washed it to make sure it wasn't germy, I even used antibacterial hand soap, took a few days, but it did start drying up and working, eventually!

GinGuzzler Fri 04-Oct-13 13:54:39

Reminded byAcinonyx

Don't just THINK the pressure cooker is cool enough to open KNOW FOR A FACT it is cool enough to open. I was cleaning lamb and barley up for what felt like forever.

treehouselover Fri 04-Oct-13 14:01:07

Only pop out to the washing line barefoot late at night for the school skirt you forgot to bring in if you actually enjoy squashed slug between your toes.

Also when painting with toddlers, avoid putting your glass of apple juice next to the glass of painty water. They don't taste the same.

ItsOkayItsJustMyBreath Fri 04-Oct-13 14:01:53

Oh, how could I forget these words of wisdom...

do not Nair your piles

ahem.

sashh Fri 04-Oct-13 14:02:20

Don't fill your petrol car with diesel - it will look as though you are driving a small airplane down the motorway and destroy your engine.

This applies double if you are a police officer in uniform and the car has obvious markings and a blue light on top, it is not the car you do the school run in that is diesel.

<not me btw>

Thanx for the contact lense tip, I have warn 2 pairs at once.

when someone (not to be sexist but ime male) and unfamiliar with a kitchen offers to peel potatoes for you do explain to them that the potatoes need rinsing afterwards and the peel putting in the food recycling. leaving in them both in a pan together isn't that much help.

Kittens can survive in a fridge, but you really don't want to find out for how long.

PavlovtheCat Fri 04-Oct-13 14:10:05

Never ever answer your work telephone less than half hour before you plan to leave. Two hours on a Friday.

You need a swimming costume packed if you want to have a swim.

Sometimes the only answer to s problem is to get steaming drunk.

SoupDragon Fri 04-Oct-13 14:18:30

"Alive" is certainly one way of describing the mint showergel effect! grin It is a mistake I have only made once.

laverneandshirl Fri 04-Oct-13 14:19:17

Never eat anything bigger than your own head.

Acinonyx Fri 04-Oct-13 14:25:51

Ah yes, Gin, the soup, the soup - I still shudder to think of it....

Acinonyx Fri 04-Oct-13 14:27:13

Do put the top back on the hot water bottle before putting into your bed. It takes a long time to dry a mattress with a hair dryer.

KatyaRachmanova Fri 04-Oct-13 14:30:22

Before you get arsey with the person behind flashing their lights...check you haven't left your indicator on. blush

Acinonyx Fri 04-Oct-13 14:33:41

While in a foreign city with different-to-UK taxis check that the car you jump into in heavy traffic is actually a taxi before demanding the driver get you to the bank before it closes. Very nice, but confused man did take me to the bank though, bless him. smile

LimburgseVlaai Fri 04-Oct-13 14:35:26

Do not spray toilet freshener towards your eyes to see what it looks like when it comes out. It may be the last thing you ever see.

[6yo self. I thought I was blinded for life]

ZingWantsCake Fri 04-Oct-13 14:35:57

equally do not fill your diesel car with petrol.
these two substances are not interchangeable.

also do not accidentally shave off a fingernail sized piece of skin off your elbow with the non-triple-blade side of a razor.
it fucking hurts.

However, do rescue said piece of skin from razor and after performing successful self-skin regrafting do tell everyone about how you missed your calling as a plastic surgeon.
it will be much appreciated!

ZingWantsCake Fri 04-Oct-13 14:38:25

do report hilarious threads so they are made into Classics! wink

LimburgseVlaai Fri 04-Oct-13 14:38:42

Do not sneeze loudly when a cat is asleep on your chest.

MrsOakenshield Fri 04-Oct-13 14:43:21

never insert a tampon or contact lenses if you've been chopping chillis, even if you have washed your hands a thousand times.

ivykaty44 Fri 04-Oct-13 14:45:59

before hanging the washing on the line - make sure you turned the washing machine on grin

LimburgseVlaai Fri 04-Oct-13 14:51:28

Don't let DD melt a bar of soap in a jar in the microwave as an experiment.

And particularly don't put the jar in the dishwasher afterwards.

Everything (dishes, dishwasher itself) will get coated in an impossible-to-shift layer of soap.

cornishcreamtea Fri 04-Oct-13 14:51:42

When out riding on your bike and you approach a concrete bollard in the middle of the path, try to go either to the left or right of it and not straight into it.

ZingWantsCake Fri 04-Oct-13 14:52:03

if the chicken needs defrosting previous to cooking you might prefer to defrost it overnight in the fridge, not give it a hot bath then zap it in micro!

ZingWantsCake Fri 04-Oct-13 14:53:34

if the chicken needs defrosting previous to cooking you might prefer to defrost it overnight in the fridge, not give it a hot bath then zap it in the microwave!

sashh Fri 04-Oct-13 14:54:30

never insert a tampon or contact lenses if you've been chopping chillis, even if you have washed your hands a thousand times. Int he absence of chilli DO remember they go in different places.

ZingWantsCake Fri 04-Oct-13 14:54:47

post important messages twice. vary them slightly for a sophisticated "spot the difference" game

NorbertDentressangle Fri 04-Oct-13 15:01:04

Soupy - its a shame my MIL didn't read that tip before the time she decided to try out the Original Source Mint and Tea Tree shower gel at our house.

I had a graphic explanation from her about how it felt. Not what you want to chat about with your MIL over breakfast!

Fillybuster Fri 04-Oct-13 15:05:46

Its not always a good idea to leave the power setting on the electric whisk on maximum when starting to whisk 12 eggs....unless you want at least 6 on the walls and ceiling.

Do wait for electric gates to open fully before reversing. Driving into them will not help the situation.

Don't allow toddlers to helpfully remove tent pegs at the end of a camping trip without ensuring the tent is empty first.

When at school, remember to put your skirt on after swimming, not just your tights. Or you will walk round like that all afternoon and none of your friends or even teachers will tell you...I am still traumatised, 30 years on!

lucysmam Fri 04-Oct-13 15:09:40

more brilliant entertainment for the bus ride to pick dd1 up from school grin

I have done several of these things including the minty fresh shower gel....that was certainly erm..

interesting!

SuperMuddle Fri 04-Oct-13 15:13:12

When boiling milk, remember that it must be supervised at all times. Don't get bored and wander off to watch TV. You WILL forget it's there for the next half an hour, and you WILL have to throw away the saucepan, and then spend hours cleaning burned-on milk off the hob.

Especially annoying when you were really looking forward to that hot chocolate, there's no more milk left and the shops are shut.

PistachioTruffle Fri 04-Oct-13 15:17:18

When posting a letter, it is generally helpful to ensure that you are posting it into the letter box, and not the dog poo bin 4 feet away. (Tip: postboxes are red, poo bins are black.)

If you are normally extremely short sighted and you wake in the middle of the night with perfect eyesight, you have not been subject to a miracle - it is more likely that you have fallen asleep with your contact lenses in.

You're welcome grin

PistachioTruffle Fri 04-Oct-13 15:19:28

Also, a sanitary towel will not allow you to travel on a bus when shown to the driver, even if the wrapper is the same colour as your bus pass holder.

Acinonyx Fri 04-Oct-13 15:21:18

When relying on your PC clock to see when it's time to collect dc from school - remember to refresh the screen otherwise the clock shows the same time indefinitely and you may get a call from school.... blush

RavenRose Fri 04-Oct-13 15:26:18

Library cards don't work in cash machines. Even when you go into the bank to complain

Always remember not to answer the door to anyone wearing only bra and knickers

When draining pasta, rice or potatoes put the colander in the sink first. If you forget this inform the family it's a carb free night

oscarwilde Fri 04-Oct-13 15:38:25

Before you spray your brand new Thomas Pink shirt with starch, check that you are in fact, not holding a bottle of oven cleaner.....

AdoraBell Fri 04-Oct-13 15:48:19

Re Zing's Gáme of Morning Rush, please advize all preteens/teens immediately,

When a parent is waiting patiently while you contintue to faff about ten minutes after you should have left, do not indignantly stick your hand out with your gym bag hanging off it and completely ignore aforementioned patient parent.

This is gauranteed to result in an undignified dash with said bag in one hand, shoes, hair brush and jacket in the other while Daddy drives off.

OlyRoller Fri 04-Oct-13 15:50:15

Don't fry bacon wearing only your bra and knickers.

Sidge Fri 04-Oct-13 15:50:39

Do remember to take a tampon out of it's wrapper before using otherwise your fanny will rustle.

Don't leave cherry flavoured lube on your bedside table after using otherwise the next morning your 7 year old will think it's new toothpaste to try.

curlyclaz13 Fri 04-Oct-13 15:51:20

When you feed the baby just before you leave the house put your boob back in your bra and do it up.

apatchylass Fri 04-Oct-13 15:53:36

A money saving tip here:

When taking a long train journey, it's handy to bring along the tickets you purchased in advance.

hth

Ezza1 Fri 04-Oct-13 15:55:40

Ironing whilst just wearing underwear can result in burn marks to rival your stretchmarks works well on flabby bellies

Diamondcassis Fri 04-Oct-13 16:04:49

If it even crosses your mind that something (usually full red wine glass) looks a bit precarious, LISTEN TO YOUR MIND, do not wait for the inevitable

emmelinelucas Fri 04-Oct-13 16:06:35

When you are in the WRNS, and preparing for a vv. important parade never ever pick up and cuddle a friends new baby.
At the parade the Royal will ask you - "have you got a new baby at home ?"
emme- "No, Ma'am"
Royal "Well, you've got sick all down your back"
blush

Earthworms Fri 04-Oct-13 16:06:42

When straining home made stock that you have been carefully tending for hours: Do Not pour the stock down the sink and keep the bones.

Hth

flamingtoaster Fri 04-Oct-13 16:14:06

Do not pack the breakfast washing up carefully into the fridge - especially when you do not have a dishwasher. (Well I was pregnant at the time!).

A tip from a friend - when you have peeled the potatoes put them on to boil in a saucepan and throw the peelings on the compost heap .... not vice versa. (When she was pregnant).

TheCrumpetQueen Fri 04-Oct-13 16:14:38

My mum does that nearly every Christmas Earth grin

widowerbutok Fri 04-Oct-13 16:14:56

Men should not put their y-fronts on the wrong way round or inside out. Both will cause them great discomfort and difficulty when trying to pee.

Also, if you have a front loading washing machine, do NOT use top loading washing powder (if they make it now) as the bubbles FILL the kitchen. They can take the man who did it, hours to explain, and clean those dam bubbles up.

TheDietStartsTomorrow Fri 04-Oct-13 16:15:53

Don't wear your clothes inside out when going somewhere where you want to make a good impression. Especially so when going somewhere where there are no toilets to slip into to rectify the situation.

2kidsintow Fri 04-Oct-13 16:17:00

Never confuse your eye drops for nail varnish.

Ouch!

treehouselover Fri 04-Oct-13 16:18:34

Earth - I have only made proper stock twice, and both times it's gone down the sink. I don't bother any more.

earth DP did that once at his first dinner party with his exGF. She'd spent ages making a duck stock for some overly complicated recipe and he just threw it down the sink. She then hit him with the empty pan. They were only 21 at the time, bless 'em.

Note, I of course never EVER point out that, despite my many failings, I have never hit him with a pan, and he should therefore count himself lucky. That would be infra dig...

diamond211 Fri 04-Oct-13 16:24:46

If you offer to make everyone a cup of tea remember to boil the water in the kettle if you want them to drink it smile

ZingWantsCake Fri 04-Oct-13 16:27:23

similar to Earth

expressed breastmilk goes in the freezer.
not down the sink. nooooooooooooooo!shock angry sad sad sad

However, if you ever do this you will understand the true meaning of "Crying over spilled milk"

diamond211 Fri 04-Oct-13 16:28:32

Also do not buy cauliflower, carrots and onions and then put them straight in your paper re-cycling bag.
Your dinner will not be as nice and your bin men will give you a funny look hmm

complexnumber Fri 04-Oct-13 16:35:28

"Always check you are wearing matching shoes before leaving the house"
ghostonthecanvas

Especially if you are on the way to a funeral.

Agnesmum Fri 04-Oct-13 16:45:19

Double check that you are sending emails and text messages to the right destination, especially if you are saying not very nice things about your boss .......

LittleHighLittleLow Fri 04-Oct-13 17:29:06

Do not stop a van that's about to run over a gorgeous big toad at 6am when out dog walking ... then go to pick up the toad only to find out it's a toad-shaped pile of mud. As it oozes out of shape and between your fingers you cannot begin to imagine what is going through the van drivers head....

HaveTeaWillSurvive Fri 04-Oct-13 17:36:28

Don't put Chapstick on in the back of a dark cab as you arrive at the pub if you also have a stick concealer in your bag blush

MissStrawberry Fri 04-Oct-13 18:00:43

This thread is great. I thought I would post the OP so you could all laugh at me. I never dreamt it would get so many posts and be such fun - and a great education - to read!

GinGuzzler Fri 04-Oct-13 18:07:34

LittleHigh the driver probably thought you were a very conciencious dog walker. Almost dedicated grin

HaveTea I sprayed wine on my phone reading about your concealed mouth grin

This should go to classics. It has to doesn't it?!

NoComet Fri 04-Oct-13 18:10:25

"Always check you are wearing matching shoes before leaving the house"

Or meeting your future wife's parents for the first time.

LittleHighLittleLow Fri 04-Oct-13 18:21:06

ginguzzler ... possibly but with my bare hands??? grin

MyLittleFinger Fri 04-Oct-13 18:33:48

Do not go to B&Q buy a 2 metre length of worktop, load into car and close hatchback...

MoreThanWords Fri 04-Oct-13 18:35:06

When a wall stapler appears to be jammed, do NOT have it facing you whilst you wonder if giving the handle one last squeeze will clear the blockage.

Of course, if you did actually want a facial piercing with a staple, do the above shock

Washing up liquid in the dishwasher is never a good solution to running out of tablets.
Unless you wish to create an Ibiza style foam party in your kitchen.

oinktopus Fri 04-Oct-13 18:52:41

Don't get down to one pair of smart trousers and then when they break just before you need them at short notice, fix them with super glue. It will set into a hard mess that:
(a) Makes it look like you've done something unsavoury
(b) Scratches against your leg and makes you wince
(c) Reflects sunlight (and so catches the eye of everyone you meet)

IamSlave Fri 04-Oct-13 18:57:47

Don't stick your finger in a battery operated pencil sharpener.

minihahawithafringe Fri 04-Oct-13 19:06:49

When offering to fill up dp's car with petrol.....remember to drive his car to the petrol station, not your own

MiddleAgeMiddleEngland Fri 04-Oct-13 19:12:29

Don't put £70 of diesel into a unleaded petrol tank. Not only does it make quite a spectacular explosion, it makes the recovery lorry men roll their eyes and tell you that only women do that.

If you have to bribe reluctant teenagers up a steep mountain with the promise of chocolate cake at the top while on holiday, make sure that someone has put the chocolate cake in a rucksack before you set off. Happier teenagers that way (apparently).

MissStrawberry Fri 04-Oct-13 19:19:24

"This should go to classics. It has to doesn't it?!"

shock I have never had a thread go in classics before.

<faints clean away with happiness>

Terrortree Fri 04-Oct-13 19:19:53

Do not substitute the mirror for a bottle of wine when plucking your eyebrows.

Unless you have a very long fringe.

buildingmycorestrength Fri 04-Oct-13 19:26:15

If you are getting low on petrol, and the needle is going below the lowest mark on the gauge, do not keep passing petrol stations in the belief that the petrol light will come on when the tank gets really REALLY low.

The kind rescue van man will have to tell you that not all cars have petrol lights, so you didn't 'break down' so much as 'run out of petrol'.

On the dual carriageway. At 8 months pregnant.

BikeRunSki Fri 04-Oct-13 19:29:31

When driving do not pull over because you can' t think where your keys are and need to turn your bag inside out. They will be in the ignition.

MiddleAgeMiddleEngland Fri 04-Oct-13 19:41:39

From a friend:

If you kindly offer to cut down a tree which has got too big for your neighbour's garden, double check before you start that you have the right tree. That sort of mistake can take about 50 years to put right.

Putting the wrong fuel in a car seems to be quite popular grin

IamSlave Fri 04-Oct-13 19:43:46

Middle Age my DH and my DB have both put petrol into diesel tanks, not a woman in sight. smile DH did it first and DB was saying what an idiot then did it two weeks later

JadziaSnax Fri 04-Oct-13 19:50:53

When going to the gym, remember to take your trainers.

quoteunquote Fri 04-Oct-13 19:52:35

When you put dead wildlife or dead livestock in the boot of your vehicle, make sure it really is dead first, just because it is not breathing and cold, does not mean it will not come back to life and surprise you when driving.

When drunk do not mistake your Anti freeze for your contact lense solution, while fumbling round in your dark barrack block room while trying not to wake up your room mate! She will only feel bad for you in the morning after she had stopped laughing and called the medic block. My room mate was, most of the time, a very capable and intelligent woman!

strruglingoldteach Fri 04-Oct-13 20:02:33

If you are a police officer, and have been called out on a cold, icy morning because a lorry has skidded into a telegraph pole, it's best to approach the scene slowly and carefully. Rather than, say, taking a corner at full speed, with sirens blazing, and sliding uncontrollably into the back of your colleague's car.

(Not me!)

No matter how tired you are, it's not a good idea to place your half empty tub of ice cream into the fridge.

Even if your first labour lasted days, you shouldn't assume that your second will. Being stuck in rush hour traffic while experiencing an overwhelming urge to push is not much fun.

Don't ever turn your back on a toddler who has access to paint- even if they're in the garden and you think they can't cause too much trouble.

Whereisegg Fri 04-Oct-13 20:25:13

Do check the date on party invites before you text replying with a yes please, or sorry we can't, as the response might just be "the party was last week."

When you live in the middle of the woods and you take your well trained dogs out for off-the-lead walks all the time, do actually remember to let them out of the house with you, or you might spend nearly an hour running around screaming their names, only to discover them at home in desperate need of being let out.

Don't scream at the block of cheese you have been trying to turn the tv over with, it's not it's fault.

Don't epilate your fanny flaps

stillstanding29 Fri 04-Oct-13 20:41:52

Don't assume your autistic son will realise that that greeny-brown sludgy looking patch of ground isn't suitable to walk on, just because everyone else has walked around it.

Not unless you want the rest of your family to have to wade into the stinky cow pat mud (involving the loss of several wellies) to rescue him.

At least you'll have ages to savour the smell in the car on the 30 mile trip home.

mrspolkadotty Fri 04-Oct-13 20:49:34

Giddystars Thought that was just me with the batiste and deodorant. Still at least any stray underarm hairs will be 'lifted and refreshed from the root' grin

Don't have a rare friday cleaning afternoon and collect all DD's hair slides strewn around the house by putting them in your own hair for safe-keeping. You will forget they are there and get some strange looks on the school run blush until your friend says "Erm do you know you've got DD's clips in?"

MissStrawberry Fri 04-Oct-13 20:52:58

grin at mrspolkadotty.

ZingWantsCake Fri 04-Oct-13 21:02:32

no point trying to open your front door by pressing "unlock" on your car key, the success rate is 0%.

and it won't magically work despite cursing or trying it repeatedly and/or several days in a row.

gruber Fri 04-Oct-13 21:19:05

Don't get confused about which method of transport you are taking to work and get in your car with your bike helmet on. It doesn't help and you keep banging your head. that would be you Mother

ZingWantsCake Fri 04-Oct-13 21:24:56

if you run out of clean knickers it is ok to go commando, who will know?

JadziaSnax Fri 04-Oct-13 21:27:33

It is not possible to open your front door by swiping your work pass against the lock is it DH?

MacaYoniandCheese Fri 04-Oct-13 21:28:01

When you step into a lovely, hot shower and notice that the bar of soap has all gone and you can't be bothered to get out, DON'T use instead your DH's 'Irish Spring' body wash that contains (unbeknownst to you), EUCALYPTUS.

AlyssB Fri 04-Oct-13 21:28:55

When getting the slow cooker down from the top shelf you can only just reach, try taking the lid off first as it may slip off, hit you on the head and cause minor concussion.

WD40 will not remove ice from your windscreen but will make the rain just slide off

Your electronic access fob for work will not unlock your front house door.

AlyssB Fri 04-Oct-13 21:29:45

smile x post JadziaSnax!!

MacaYoniandCheese Fri 04-Oct-13 21:30:45

Also, be sure to remember to close the trunk (station wagon) of your car when driving out of the school parking lot blush.

whattodoo Fri 04-Oct-13 21:39:57

Zia I the non emergency fire brigade telephone number to ask what I should do if my oven was on fire. He replied, barely hiding a guffaw, "call us".

He didn't manage to hold it together when I said "oh, OK, I'll call you back on 999 then".

ZingWantsCake Fri 04-Oct-13 21:41:17

don't reverse onto your pushchair.

maca or when leaving tesco having just done your shopping!

whattodoo Fri 04-Oct-13 21:42:13

And my handy tip?

If you have a black eye, DO NOT orgasm. Trust me, don't do it.

ZingWantsCake Fri 04-Oct-13 21:44:10

when you leave the hospital with your newborn it is essential to strap him in the carseat.

it is also essential to strap the carseat in the car with the seatbelt.
it's much safer that way

timeforahaircut Fri 04-Oct-13 21:47:21

if you've played along with your 2 yo daughter's dressing up game and allowed her to put a pink plastic tiara on you, it is best to take it off before going to the supermarket and on to pick up your DS from school - your DS will be the first person to point this out to you.

member Fri 04-Oct-13 21:59:08

Remember to pull your knickers down as well as your trousers before sitting on the toilet to urinate.

Don't tie your shoelaces in a revolving door

Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme Fri 04-Oct-13 22:13:03

If you think you're a bit close to the next car as you try to park, please just check. Don't just pull in and park and then go and look. The great big scrape down the car beside you means that yes you were too close. blush

ArtisanLentilWeaver Fri 04-Oct-13 22:15:09

Don't keep the toothpaste beside the Veet.

Doinmummy Fri 04-Oct-13 22:16:47

When your toaster starts belching black acrid smoke , do not stand and stare at it , it will burst into flames

Do not spend several minutes waving your alarm sensor key in front of your school locker and cursing it because it does not open, Use the correct key that is attached to the alarm sensor key.
Do check for matching sandals before going to school-they were both beige.
Do not attend school, on a day when you are being observed, in your lovely furry slippers and realise as you walk past the Head's office.
Do remember to call DH by his name not exdh's.

NoMoreMadCatLady Fri 04-Oct-13 22:19:17

Check it's your car in the carpark before you put your shopping in the boot and sit in the driving seat. The lady waiting in the unlocked car on the passenger seat for her companion will laugh or scream. don't buy the same bloody car as everyone else with 3 children, or atleast buy it in a different colour

claraschu Fri 04-Oct-13 22:24:05

When posting letters on your way to the airport for a flight to Japan, it is better NOT to also post your passport

Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme Fri 04-Oct-13 22:34:17

Oh and when you do discover the damage you have caused to the car next to yours, do leave your number. It's polite. Thy wil ring up to thank you and get your insurance details and you will feel like you've done a good deed. smile

If the door bell goes whilst you're breastfeeding - remember to put the exposed boob away before you open the door.

quoteunquote Fri 04-Oct-13 22:41:14

If you wrap your fringe into a comb and it gets stuck, cut the teeth of the comb, not the hair. gin

RinseAndRepeat Fri 04-Oct-13 22:57:42

The big red button on the wall in the hotel swimming pool area is the emergency alarm and NOT the button that switches the bubbles on in the jacuzzi.

GinGuzzler Fri 04-Oct-13 23:28:22

Ahhhh quote you are truely wise...

why didn't I think of that!

blush

GinGuzzler Fri 04-Oct-13 23:28:50

grin

jennifersofia Fri 04-Oct-13 23:35:31

Suedocream is not a good play toy for your toddler, especially when you are wearing a lovely dark wool skirt. Those lovely caresses are not what you think they are..

YoniBottsBumgina Fri 04-Oct-13 23:37:09

Mine is:

Never give your DP even a vague idea that shaving his pubes would be a good idea.

If you do, DON'T leave the washing up brush in the shower (after you were cleaning the washing up bowl, which is too snug a fit to wash in the sink).

He may well just use it to clean the plughole sad angry

rcs19 Fri 04-Oct-13 23:44:29

Always check the wind direction before jet washing sick out of a car seat.

jennifersofia Fri 04-Oct-13 23:44:39

If you use your bank card to try and operate the oyster barrier on the tube, you have been doing too much shopping.
Equally, the cashier at the supermarket will not find it very funny to be given an Oyster card in place of a bank card.

HoneyDragon Sat 05-Oct-13 00:10:34

When you get home and you notice your bike is missing, stop panicking for 10 minutes and searching the garden sheds to see if anything else has been taken and consider why you have walked home from the shop carrying a loaf of bread, a tin of beans and the keys for you bike lock.

CadleCrap Sat 05-Oct-13 00:17:49

You do not have to dial 9 to get an outside line - at home.

WhirlyByrd Sat 05-Oct-13 00:19:49

When you have a Nigella/Delia moment and make your own chicken stock, it is good to remember tht when you are straining it you want to keep the stock, not pour it down the sink and keeping the manly bits of bone.

WhirlyByrd Sat 05-Oct-13 00:20:27

manky

JadziaSnax Sat 05-Oct-13 01:41:00

grin AlyssB - at least it was DH that tried that one, not me for a change

ChubbyKitty Sat 05-Oct-13 02:13:56

Do not use your late-night-bovril spoon to mix coffee the next morning. Or hot chocolate in bovril.

Just use a fresh spoon. Don't even think you could save a little washing up.

whattodo You realise you're going to have to share that story, don't you?

CuriosityCola Sat 05-Oct-13 03:45:05

Don't leave the tube of canesten next to the freebie mini toothpastes from the dentist. Check it's toothpaste before putting on toothbrush. Close call this morning!

AdoraBell Sat 05-Oct-13 04:03:15

When descaling the kettle, for example with vinegar, do not flick the switch to boíl the kettle.

When spraying mold spots in the shower while you have a cold do not open your month to cough at the same time as you spray the bleach based mold remover. Bleach spots on the tongue are not atractivo and the taste, which is truly ghastly, lasts all day.

And if you've shot a pigeon and you know it's on the balcony pick the fucking thing up, OH, before the maggots migrate inside.

DaleyBump Sat 05-Oct-13 04:07:05

I'm only on the second page and am laughing so hard I have tears! grin

EBearhug Sat 05-Oct-13 04:23:43

When you put your knickers on, do check you put both your legs through legholes and not have one of them through the waisthole, particularly if you are running late and have back to back meetings, so will have to wait hours till you can get to the loo to see why things feel tight and just weird.

catinboots Sat 05-Oct-13 04:40:16

Always check that is toothpaste you are using to clean your teeth. Not Deep Heat.

DaleyBump Sat 05-Oct-13 04:48:25

On behalf of my dad -

If you've had a bit too much to drink and are sick in the toilet, make sure you still have all your teeth in before you flush.

After having said teeth replaced at great cost, don't just assume that your custard creme is incredibly crunchy. You may have to use a strainer to find that missing tooth the next day.

madeit Sat 05-Oct-13 06:11:39

If you are in a rush at work two things will happen:
the photocopier will jam
your computer will freeze
If you are in a hurry at home: your children will be on a go slow

greenfolder Sat 05-Oct-13 06:32:50

on the first day of a new job- DO NOT change your mind at the last minute hurridly put on a new Marks and Spencer top and a suit jacket over the top- only to discover at 5 that all day you have had a "new and inproved fabric sticker" on your cleavage all day.

ForTheLoveOfSocks Sat 05-Oct-13 07:29:17

A ten pence piece will not open the front door. In fairness I had a few too many drinks that night

Don't wash curtains @ 40 degrees and then ask your piss taking DH to hang them back up. They will shrink and he will put a picture on FB just to rub it in.

Washing up liquid is not a substitute for dishwasher detergent. Bloody bubbles were everywhere.

Don't put the car keys to your keyless entry car next to your mobile. The moment you get out it will automatically lock the moment you shut the door, locking your baby DD and the keys in there. Thank god my DDad was there. He ended up running home to get my spare house keys. She screamed the whole time sad

VikingVagine Sat 05-Oct-13 08:18:58

There is no point in quickly double tapping the (paper) page of the recipe you are following, it will not make it bigger.

PoppadomPreach Sat 05-Oct-13 08:30:17

Don't sneeze when wearing a motorcycle helmet, visor down.

PavlovtheCat Sat 05-Oct-13 09:46:00

I would like to add another very important one.

Do Not take a wee in a very expensive, well made wetsuit. It does not wash away with the sea water (although does keep you nice and warm).

ZingWantsCake Sat 05-Oct-13 12:21:17

when parking your shopping trolley for a minute to get something pay attention on your return and avoid filling the trolley of a total stranger.

even more important to not grab the trolley with a stranger's child in it - the explanation of you normally having your own child with you may not be heard over the high pitched scream of said child and the howling laughter of everyone else.

ZingWantsCake Sat 05-Oct-13 12:24:20

once you've had a certain number of children do not attempt to sneeze, cough, jump, shout ot laugh unless:

a, your bladder is perfectly empty
b, you have time to stop and cross your legs
c, wearing adult nappies
d, you don't my pissing yourself in public

ZingWantsCake Sat 05-Oct-13 12:25:34

d, you don't mind

ZiaMaria Sat 05-Oct-13 12:32:59

Ahh whattodoo, you must be related to my husband!

Another one: when you can smell burning, assume something is burning. If your hand is getting quite warm at the same time, it may possibly be because your oven glove has met with the gas hob. Just saying.

New slogan?
Mumsnetters - We do these things so YOU don't have to.
gringringrin

buildingmycorestrength Sat 05-Oct-13 13:07:55

Fab slogan! or "Mumsnetters - learn from our mistakes"

I do feel like a walking cautionary tale sometimes.

ZingWantsCake Sat 05-Oct-13 13:14:00

or "Tested on Mums - desclaimer: some parents were harmed during the making of these mistakes"!grin

gringrin

Drizzleit Sat 05-Oct-13 13:49:55

Never buy chicken livers and leave them in the boiling hot car in the sun for 3 hours before making pate with them (thanks for the food poisoning DP)...

HoneyDragon Sat 05-Oct-13 13:56:56

A little bird has reminded me of one <<glares at Zing>> grin

If you happen to somewhat irreversibly stain your child blue

Do not, under any circumstances, ask Mnet for help and advice on how to undo it. Don't post a photo either.

The result will be a highly entertained child that is slightly sticky form all the oil, sugar swarfega, 19 different soaps, 15 different creams and numerous other substances they have suggested. The child will still be blue. The Mnetters will point and laugh.

Just don't do it.

Also. Babies and Immac. They don't mix.

ZingWantsCake Sat 05-Oct-13 14:04:01

HoneyD

and they will always remind you and each other of SmurfChild! grin grin

(you are a good sport!smile )

MissStrawberry Sat 05-Oct-13 15:26:05

I think I am prouder of creating this thread than I am of my children grin]grin.

CharityFunDay Sat 05-Oct-13 16:48:44

You cannot pick up the cup of coffee on your desk by moving your mouse-pointer off the edge of the monitor screen and clicking on it.

IslaValargeone Sat 05-Oct-13 16:52:18

Really concentrate when unpacking your shopping.
Losing the mince for the spaghetti bolognaise and finding it 4 days later in the shoe rack isn't helpful.

Acinonyx Sat 05-Oct-13 17:50:55

Ah Honeydragon - I've done that with the car. Stopped by car at the shops on the way home, walked home - then later freaked out thinking the car has been stolen.

ZingWantsCake Sat 05-Oct-13 20:27:29

MissStrawberry

you can be even prouder as it is now in Classics!
Congratulations! thanks

ZingWantsCake Sat 05-Oct-13 20:31:48

another one from this morning:

when your 3-year-old moans about being cold don't offer him to snuggle with you under the blanket.
what a stupid suggestion!

he'll only be upset because you didn't
mind-read that he wanted a hat!confused grin

MissStrawberry Sat 05-Oct-13 20:38:40

shock
grin

MollyBerry Sat 05-Oct-13 20:47:08

HoneyDragon I went on your profile to see the blue child and was v disappointed to find no evidence !

CMOTDibbler Sat 05-Oct-13 20:53:27

If you are sitting on a folding chair, then it is important not to push back while sitting on it. You will end up on your arse.
This is especially important to remember when talking to a customer with your executive management standing behind you.

It is especially important to pay attention to what rental car you have been given, and where you have parked in a multistorey car park. Otherwise you spend an hour walking round blipping hopefully (I had only arrived in Australia the night before in my defence)

TheDietStartsTomorrow Sat 05-Oct-13 21:07:59

When text-gossiping about someone to a friend, make sure you add the name of your friend in the address field and not the the person you're gossiping about.

flowery Sat 05-Oct-13 21:24:20

When Directory Enquiries ask you "which name please?" they don't mean your own...

MissStrawberry Sat 05-Oct-13 21:25:38

And they don't mean Mummy either.....

gintastic Sat 05-Oct-13 21:34:30

When you are using a keyboard, double tapping the space bar doesn't give you a full stop like it does on an iPhone.

Don't write ranty rude emails with someone's address in the To: box unless you like the sick feeling you get in your stomach when you realise you've accidentally sent (instead if deleted) said email...

You don't need to dial 9 to get an outside line from home.

Theimpossiblegirl Sat 05-Oct-13 21:36:57

When face painting, don't (repeatedly) dip the brushes into your drink and whatever you do, don't take a large sip from the mucky water. Children will laugh at you.

Or maybe just don't drink wine when you're face painting.
smile

If going out in a PVA catsuit, always apply lots of talc to your body before getting said catsuit on, otherwise when you go for a pee in the club's loos the catsuit will not pull up above your knees due to sweat blush

If you're in a public toilet and find there's no toilet roll left, those olbas oil tissues you have in your bag do NOT make a suitable alternative.

ZingWantsCake Sat 05-Oct-13 22:00:04

your pc doesn't do predictive text nor does it autocorrect.
also it's deaf, so don't bother swearing/shouting at it!

don't name your twins Sam and Ella (Salmonella)

Polly Esther is not a very fortunate name either.

CloudyBayDrainageSystem Sat 05-Oct-13 22:05:27

When you have just about finished wallpapering the bedroom and only have the awkward bit around the window to finish, don't grab the nearest thing to stand on. It might just be the empty goldfish tank, and even if you think the corner bit will be fine, it might not take your weight very well.

And the resultant blood spray from the severed Achilles might possibly make a fabulous pattern across the new wallpaper, requiring the whole room to be redone.

After the week- long stay in hospital, of course.

CloudyBayDrainageSystem Sat 05-Oct-13 22:08:16

And when Picasso is described as a Cubist Artist, don't remark, in front of all of your colleagues, that you didn't realise he came from Cuba.

WeAllHaveWings Sat 05-Oct-13 22:21:10

When there is a bullet stuck in the barrel of a nerf gun DO NOT look down barrel while pulling trigger.

In hindsight I'm pretty sure I knew this already.

If you do happen to dye your child blue then taking them swimming will successfully bleach them. But you will get some odd looks for the first 15 minutes until the chlorine takes effect.

bootsycollins Sat 05-Oct-13 22:29:42

Always check your face in the mirror on leaving the house, you might have snot, food or a random swipe of something that you don't know what it is or how it got there.

Check yourself in a full length mirror before spending the morning interviewing. Otherwise you may look down at lunchtime and find you have a toddlers's breakfast Cheerio stuck to your jumper precisely over your nipple

BimboJimbo Sat 05-Oct-13 22:38:55

When straining your gravy if you have lumps, always remember to put a saucepan underneath.
If not you will lose all your gravy to the plug hole and be left with just lumps!
Defiantly not good to do when you have ran out of gravy. You will have a dry roast dinner

stollibolli Sat 05-Oct-13 22:57:25

When wallpapering always paste the paper not the paste table Dh.

If you are in the bath and hear what sounds like scraping noises don't get out to look. The window cleaner will be shocked to see you naked.

stollibolli Sat 05-Oct-13 22:59:59

Also when hanging you dry suit up to dry in the garage insure someone (window cleaner) can't just see the dangling legs and think you've committed suicide.

Check you're pouring milk, not orange juice, upon the last bowl of shreddies in the house.

Would save a lot of tears.

NachoAddict Sat 05-Oct-13 23:38:49

Don't think it would be a good game to lean your toddler back while holding them and then flip them back up again. You will get black eyes.

do not assume that you can leave the house without breast pads in the early days of breast feeding. We boob patches are not a good look.

ZingWantsCake Sat 05-Oct-13 23:58:26

when I'm grumpy don't argue with me

EBearhug Sun 06-Oct-13 13:33:18

Also when hanging you dry suit up to dry in the garage insure someone (window cleaner) can't just see the dangling legs and think you've committed suicide.

That reminds me - remember that one of the people who shares your house is into scuba diving, not murdering people. That's a wetsuit hanging there when you go to get your bike from the shed, not a dead body.

ZingWantsCake Sun 06-Oct-13 13:36:23

Ocxam's Razor (modified) : if it looks like a frog and it jumps like a frog it is probably a frog.

screaming at it is not going to stop it from being a frog (yes, I'm looking at you Mother)

ZingWantsCake Sun 06-Oct-13 13:50:39

Occam's Razor

Fairypants Sun 06-Oct-13 14:43:56

You are advised to visually ascertain that you have successfully replaced slippers with shoes before leaving the house.

Always check that you are putting on your own trousers I stead of your wife's - she will not let you forget it grin

If told by a medical professional to go immediately to hospital due to excessive blood loss, you should not drive yourself- even if you are alone and don't want to make a fuss. If you don't have an accident, it will be luck and you DH will not appreciate scribbling blood out of your cream car seatconfused

lostinindia Sun 06-Oct-13 14:48:36

Do not keep eye make up remover and nail varnish remover next to each other in the bathroom cabinet. Not unless you like to temporally blind yourself on a morning.

lostinindia Sun 06-Oct-13 14:54:57

If you need to shave your legs in a hurry don't lather in baby oil and shave with a razor. It really really stings for some time later.

Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme Sun 06-Oct-13 15:10:59

If going out in a PVA catsuit

Well that's never going to happen but thanks for the tip!
far too old and fat

grin

grin

D0oinMeCleanin Mon 07-Oct-13 14:33:25

Whilst attempting to rejuvenate and freshen your non-turn, memory foam topped mattress by liberally applying vast quantities of steam do not then lay across the part you've just steamed to reach the other side, it will still be steaming hot [ouch]

2kidsintow Mon 07-Oct-13 19:40:06

Don't put a pan of potatoes on to boil, then leave the house to go to toddlers.

And don't do the same again the next week.

And don't run cold water into the amazingly hot pan when you return - the bottom of the saucepan WILL just drop off.

Oops.

ZingWantsCake Mon 07-Oct-13 23:16:19

when you change tampons remember it is vital to take one out and PUT ONE IN!
no use remembering step 2 when you are nearly at the school gates and it takes 25 mins to walk home.

when you have your period ALWAYS wear black trousers - just in case you forgot to do step 2!

helzapoppin2 Wed 09-Oct-13 15:11:40

Although only half awake, don't put cat food in the teapot.

BendyBusBuggy Wed 09-Oct-13 21:37:51

Don't use straight bleach to clean the ceiling right above the head, the sound of the drop hitting your eye will resonate through your whole head and then you'll spend hours having your eye rinsed by a friendly nurse while you feel like an idiot and you'll spend further hours driving to Moorfield's to get the damage checked and weeks putting different sorts of eye drops in.

<takes off rubber gloves used to protect hands>

ZingWantsCake Thu 10-Oct-13 08:00:56

don't use a penis beaker.
if you do don't tell us. It's disgusting, but unfortunately unforgettable

ZingWantsCake Thu 10-Oct-13 08:17:27

also if you start a thread about using a penis beaker be prepared that it might be picked up by say the Telegraph and also all over the Internet.

just saying

Antsmummy Thu 10-Oct-13 09:58:40

this thread has mad me cry!!
if you are driving an automatic for the first time, stop for fuel and then find the car wont start again, dont ring dh in a panic saying the car is broken, he will only laugh like a drain and tell you to put it in Park and then try starting it. He will then spend the next few years reminding you at every occasion.....

BeCool Fri 11-Oct-13 00:56:13

Dish washing liquid is neither a suitable substitute for a dishwasher tab OR clothes wash. It is for hand washing dishes and stain removal only.
Unless you want to turn your kitchen/laundry into a bubble pit that is. In which case add washing up liquid to either dishwasher or washing machine to create a bubble filled room of slippery fun.

Long hair is an awkward addition to a cake. If you must add hair to your cake, best to mix it in slowly by hand at the end and not while using a cake mixer at speed.

BeCool Fri 11-Oct-13 01:04:14

When wiping your bottom, be sure to put the paper down the loo afterwards. Do not not not ever never ever get it caught up in the back of your knickers so it trails behind you as you go about your day.

It will freak your colleagues out.

When flopping backwards onto a bed, make sure the bed is, in fact, behind you.

rumbelina Fri 11-Oct-13 06:43:35

If your toddler tells you he has poo on his finger then he has poo on his finger.

Not chocolate.

Don't eat it.

(Not me)

Angelodelighto Fri 11-Oct-13 07:28:42

If you get caught secretly scoffing left-overs - it's always advisable to remove your head from the fridge before slamming the door & declaring your innocence.

The resulting black eye does not help keep your secret within the immediate family blush

ZingDollyChops Fri 11-Oct-13 16:27:39

learn the rules of maths

2x3+4x1+6x0 = 10

if you think it's zero you are wrong - go back in time and learn order of operations properly (BODMAS)

if you think it's 14 or 16 - just what the hell is wrong with you? grin

Josie1974 Sat 12-Oct-13 14:51:33

Do not get distracted by your 2 year old demanding you find her Woody NOW after putting one earring in, but before putting the other in..

You will not remember the other earring until you see it at bedtime. Thankfully none of the several million people you've spoken to that day, including all your children's teachers, and, unusually, but would have to be that day, also the head teacher, will have noticed....

(I hope!)

jezzasjockstrap Sat 12-Oct-13 22:45:32

If you need to drive a hamster anywhere don't use a cardboard box as a transport cage.
You will find yourself in a competition to reach your destinaton before the little bugger chews through it.

Also if you're relieving your piles with suppositories be aware that the residual wax up there is an excellent sound amplifier. And that quiet poot that you're about to release in the library will be audible in the next county.

AGnu Sat 12-Oct-13 23:01:43

When installing a tall stair gate in a doorway, check to make sure the frame of the gate isn't about 1cm below the handle when the door is closed. Failure to check this will result in you trapping yourself in the living room while your baby cries in the other room.

ZingDollyChops Sun 13-Oct-13 08:44:06

jezza

that is a brilliant idea for an action movie! I'm thinking up titles already

"The Fast and the Furious Hamster"

"The Transported"

"The Great Hamster Escape"

"Chew Hard with a Vengeance"

"Pulp Non-Fiction"

grin

SimplyRedHead Sun 13-Oct-13 08:45:08

When plucking your huge unkempt eyebrows prior to bring filmed at close range for prime time national tv be sure to do both of them.

Or you will look like a knob.

quoteunquote Sun 13-Oct-13 14:23:08

If you put a dead sheep in the boot of your car, try to remember to take it out before you go to the beach and leave it in a hot car all day.

curlyclaz13 Sun 13-Oct-13 22:18:35

When you have just taken a casserole out of the oven, do not attempt to pick the lid up with bare hands and then spend the rest of the night wondering why your fingers are burning.

ZingDollyChops Sun 13-Oct-13 22:49:10

words are important, especially when you try to solve brainteasers!

LoriGrimes Sun 13-Oct-13 22:53:55

Don't test the sharpness of a knife on the palm of your hand.

Josie1974 Mon 14-Oct-13 06:28:56

Do not spend an inordinate amount of time painstakingly measuring exactly where to drill holes in the hearth wall in the living room from which to hang the large mirror.....
And then still manage to get it wrong, leaving a permanent extra drill hole just to the right of said mirror...

And DEFINITELY do not make the exact same mistake in your new house when you finally move and heave a sigh of relief that you've left it behind.... (DH!!!)

DropYourSword Mon 14-Oct-13 07:32:49

Highly bemused at the amount of people seemingly collecting dead animals on the boot of their car!

Also, is NO-ONE else even slightly curious as to how you can accidentally or otherwise dye your child blue??!

Organisedinacrisis Mon 14-Oct-13 16:33:35

Don't use bubble bath when running you wife a romantic bath in the posh hotel jacuzzi bath. She will not feel particulary romantic after you have both spent an hour trying to clean up an entire bathroom full of bubbles.

ZingDollyChops Mon 14-Oct-13 17:05:25

thlgrin thlsmile thlsadthlangry thlwink thlshock thlconfused thlenvy thlblush thlhmm thlbiscuit

PennySillin Mon 14-Oct-13 17:07:36

If someone leaves there mobile at your house please don't text them to let them know, it's not helpful blush I was pregnant at the time

PennySillin Mon 14-Oct-13 17:08:22

their not there

MelodyBaker Sun 20-Oct-13 12:15:06

Remember to get the meat for lunch out of the freezer the night before you want it. It helps

FarelyKnuts Sun 20-Oct-13 13:15:51

When using your juicer to lovingly make nice fresh homemade juice for your family it is very helpful if you insert the jug under the spout to catch the juice exploding out the other end! Your kitchen counters walls/floor will be all the better for itgrin

DidItAgain Tue 22-Oct-13 19:49:16

If your DH orders himself his Christmas present 2 months early, do not take it away from him so he can't play with it before the Big Day and put it Somewhere Safe. If you do, you will spend the next few days trying (but failing) to find that very same Somewhere Safe.

mindlessmama Thu 24-Oct-13 14:44:06

Brilliant thread.

Make sure child is not during on your lap/ hip before panicking that you have lost him at rhyme time...

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