The utterly ridiculous / hysterical comments your friends come out with, in which you seriously question if they live on the same planet as you...[lighttheart]

(595 Posts)
daughterofafarmer Wed 02-Oct-13 11:26:31

My friend said this utter gem last week...

'I'm buying DS a 2nd pair of Wellingtons as I don't have an Aga to help dry out the wet pair....'

Another friend

'I don't think one should children until you can afford childcare'....Que me nearly spitting out my drink...

PollyPlummer Wed 02-Oct-13 11:32:12

grin My sil has been convinced that my dts look after each other, so must be easier than having singleton babies.
Not that I think having twins is harder, I just don't think its always easier.
She has been banging on about it since they were 4 months. At which point they didn't keep each other amused, play together nicely and share interests grin other than my breasts, sleeping and crying.

'chuck all the polish out and then we will all have jobs'

this gem was from a friend of mine who I thought was quite a reasonable person.

'ADHD doesn't exist, its an excuse for poor parenting and and also an excuse for getting DLA'

said by a stuck up cow at the school. My son has adhd, autism and receives dla. her kids are perfect hmm

MrsGeologist Wed 02-Oct-13 11:35:46

An adult friend asked whereabouts in Europe America was.

<headdesk>

She had assumed that because we are friendly nations, the UK was right next door to America.

ObamasElfWithAOuijaBoard Wed 02-Oct-13 11:37:09

My friend on announcing her pregnancy and showing me her scan photos:

"I'm going to complain to my midwife. She said I was around 8 weeks but the scan shows I'm 14 weeks."

Me: "Really?! When was your last appointment?"
Friend: "About 6 weeks ago! I can't believe how off the mark she was."
Me: "Erm....you do realise that your pregnancy is counted in weeks. Every week the number increases, you don't stay 8 weeks."
Friend: "Oh! Really?!"

I really do wonder about her sometimes. This was 4 years ago and I still don't know how she thought that was right.

StillPukin Wed 02-Oct-13 12:12:26

My hairdresser mentioned about someone with cancer, I told her about my close friend who is very poorly with it (it is in her bones and her glands). Hairdresser; "All she has to do is stay positive and she'll be ok". shock

I honestly didnt know what to say

vladthedisorganised Wed 02-Oct-13 12:24:18

My favourite was the acquaintance who has a monthly 'salon day' for her dog. Apparently he has a favourite stylist and manicurist. Slightly embarrassing that I have a less rigorous personal grooming routine than a shih-tzu.

LadyFlumpalot Wed 02-Oct-13 12:25:16

From a work colleague - "Oh! I can't go to the beach, I'm scared of fish!"

cantthinkofagoodone Wed 02-Oct-13 12:27:22

Changing nappies every three hours in the day teaches a baby routine and then they will sleep through.

ObamasElf- That is hilarious!

SPBisResisting Wed 02-Oct-13 12:30:05

Lurks
Love the shiht zu and 8 weeks pregnant one

namechanging309 Wed 02-Oct-13 12:33:45

Fellow student in my class when we were doing teacher training -

'Special schools are just discriminatory. I think it's really unfair. Autistic children dont need them anyway, autism's a really mild condition. They can be taught how to behave properly and that'

What's ten times more infuriating is that the tutor agreed. I walked out of the degree a month later.

ginmakesitallok Wed 02-Oct-13 12:42:23

My wonderful work colleague is amazed that not everyone has a bottle of emergency champagne in the fridge. When I told him I didn't he insisted on going round the office checking with everyone else. He was genuinely shock and is still concerned that we may have an emergency which calls for champagne and we wouldn't have immediate access to a chilled bottle. I do love him though!

SolitudeSometimesIs Wed 02-Oct-13 12:43:43

"Postnatal Depression doesn't excist. It's just Mums being jealous of all of the attention the baby's getting"

Said by my SIL who has no children and has very little experience with them. I wanted to throttle her. Luckily I wasn't suffering from PND but I was gobsmacked at how someone could just throw a comment out like that.

SolitudeSometimesIs Wed 02-Oct-13 12:44:37

"Excist"? hmm

Dobbiesmum Wed 02-Oct-13 12:48:00

I had a wonderfully paranoid friend who believed every single conspiracy theory ever going. His status updates were the work of a genius and never failed to please. The last one before got paranoid that the government were using FB to spy on him and he deleted his account was a cracker about Princess Diana and aliens.
I miss him grin

Absy Wed 02-Oct-13 12:48:04

the comment wasn't made to me, but to another colleague (this friend is from an incredibly wealthy family, but you wouldn't know it. It's just every now and then he comes out with something like this and you go "aaaaaaaaaah, yeah. He's loaded").
Colleague was saying how she likes pomegranates, but it's a pain to get all the seeds out. Friend's response "oh, I didn't know. We have someone who does that for us".
Or when we were discussing where I live "my parents used to own an apartment block near there". Note, block not just apartment.

Dobbiesmum Wed 02-Oct-13 12:48:57

Oh, and no he didn't have an MH issues. He is in fact a very pleasant intelligent average man.

kelda Wed 02-Oct-13 12:49:33

Oh yes, another ADHD one here - two friends lamenting that fact that so many children have ADHD when really they are just naughty. On further questioning, it turns out that neither of them knew a single child with ADHD.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 02-Oct-13 12:56:38

Said to me by a friend's sister, visiting from Thailand where she was thinking of emigrating. 'Bangkok's quite nice really. Rather like Lewisham'

hmm

WhisperMen Wed 02-Oct-13 12:59:31

these are hilarious.

my friend once asked me what creative writing was. I was studying a degree in it and she thought it meant caligraphy and thought I was wasting money getting a degree in "poncey writing"

fleacircus Wed 02-Oct-13 13:00:28

Thanks for the tip, ginmakesitallok - I'll add it to my shopping list. wink

smallandimperfectlyformed Wed 02-Oct-13 13:01:37

Lewisham?!!

fleacircus Wed 02-Oct-13 13:02:01

My SIL has a framed certificate qualifying her to carry out Goddess readings.

ClangerOnaComeDown Wed 02-Oct-13 13:03:45

Said by a friend several years ago

'Why did George Bush blow up the twin towers?'

And her dp is in the forces. shock

Pootles2010 Wed 02-Oct-13 13:04:34

Dobbie are you quite sure he didn't have mh issues? Does sound really rather worrying. BTW people with mh issues can be pleasant and intelligent too.

miffybun73 Wed 02-Oct-13 13:06:22

mrsGeologist and Obamaself - I feel bad at laughing at these, surely the people in question are in the bottom few% of IQs, can't hold down a job, live independently etc. sad

BuzzardBirdBloodBath Wed 02-Oct-13 13:07:04

I had a friend on FB Dobbie who was doing the same. I had to delete her when she posted that Mothers were responsible for their baby's cot deaths if they had allowed them to have inoculations sad

WaitingForMe Wed 02-Oct-13 13:07:19

My favourite was when I was living in Malaysia and my friend asked about the guy I was dating. I said he was pretty cool and had ridden to Cambodia on his motorbike. How did he do that she asked, utterly bewildered. He rode North, through Thailand and into Cambodia I said perplexed.

She was staggered that this was possible. She thought you had to fly between countries and had never heard of crossing borders overland. She was studying tourism at the time and had previously gone to Singapore overland.

She is now working in tourism.

ObamasElfWithAOuijaBoard Wed 02-Oct-13 13:09:03

I think I should add that my friend is really bright and very good at her job. She can just be a bit....thoughtless?

Sparklysilversequins Wed 02-Oct-13 13:10:41

"And do you still hold such incredibly right wing views?"

After I mentioned I was in the army for a couple of years.

"Have you ever considered that your ds's problems may be because you and his Dad split up?"

Ds has ASD, Dyspraxia, hypermobility and sensory processing disorder.

SPBisResisting Wed 02-Oct-13 13:14:30

Sparkly tbh that's just nasty and ignorant.
I hope you told them where to stick their views!

MrsGeologist Wed 02-Oct-13 13:21:05

No, she was very good at her job, and had been to university, she wasn't stupid. Her grasp of general knowledge was just god awful.

Sparklysilversequins Wed 02-Oct-13 13:21:37

You know, I didn't because I was still at that stage where I could scarcely deal with it myself. I tried to earnestly explain why it wasn't that all, while he smirked at me with his smug know it all face. I remember it every time I see him and involuntarily clench my fists grin even though he's always very nice since my SECOND child was diagnosed with ASD. He's never apologised though.

Calabria Wed 02-Oct-13 13:21:39

At work I was asked my plans for the weekend by a regular patient. I replied that I was going to a science fiction convention.

"I didn't know you believed in UFOs"!

confused

miffybun73 Wed 02-Oct-13 13:24:41

But MrsGeologist I find that remarkable.

I am completely shock

MaidOfStars Wed 02-Oct-13 13:26:06

"We went to see [film name] in 3D last week. It looked ace. Wouldn't it be brilliant if real life was in 3D?".

Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme Wed 02-Oct-13 13:29:39

My friend likes to tell people how well her daughter is doing in school. Apparently she's top of the class for reading.

If she ever bothered to get involved, or turn up for parents evening, or do the school run every once in a while instead of getting her mum to do it, or even looked at the bloody reading diary and did a bit of reading at home with her dd, she would know that her dd is really struggling with reading and has to have extra help. I know this because I help out at school. I probably read with her daughter more than she does. In fact I know I do because I have never seen anything from her in the reading diary. hmm

Choccyjules Wed 02-Oct-13 13:29:58

Am aware this one may excite a branch of MN but here goes:

My friend recently complaining that her DD2 won't stop BF aged 18 months. 'I can't explain to her, you see. I could talk about it to DD2 as she was a year older than that when I stopped feeding her'.

Me (sorry folks) hmm

Stropzilla Wed 02-Oct-13 13:31:55

Are fish arboreal or amphibious?

Er neither DH. Try aquatic. What's worse was he was looking at OUR fish at the time!
And from the same man while picking fruit:

What are these plummy looking things?
Those would be plums. He's really very clever honest!

Housewife2010 Wed 02-Oct-13 13:35:13

One of my friends said to our friend (who we knew was suffering from cancer) "Oh Wow, Have you lost weight?" My second friend did point out to the first that she wasn't feeling particularly hungry.

Pagwatch Wed 02-Oct-13 13:35:24

I love the 'wouldn't it be great if real life was in 3D' one MaidOfStars

wem Wed 02-Oct-13 13:37:50

Choccyjules that's an utterly ridiculous/hysterical comment is it? Seems a pretty straightforward statement on the difference between weaning an 18-month-old and a 2 and a half year old to me.

DisappointedHorse Wed 02-Oct-13 13:38:00

My normally intelligent DH: what's the difference between a chicken and a hen?
Me: Er, a hen is a female chicken
DH: please do not tell anyone I asked that!

HeirToTheIronThrone Wed 02-Oct-13 13:42:32

My lovely friend - who has a degree from Oxford - was convinced she didn't need her passport for our holiday to France "because it's in the EU"...

Pagwatch Wed 02-Oct-13 13:42:42

A friend who I love and is very smart was talking with me about DS2 and his forthcoming 17th birthday.
(DS2 has severe difficulties, functions at about age 5 level)

'do you think he will manage driving lessons?'

I am all for positivity but I was confused
In fairness, after an awkward silence, she and I did both go 'ermmmmm. Possibly not?' at the same time andd laughed about it.

Thistledew Wed 02-Oct-13 13:47:48

"I don't see the problem with sweatshops. If you work in one you wouldn't have time to learn about other jobs - it would be all you knew so you wouldn't feel abused."

"Back in the olden days everyone had servants".

From someone I was doing post-graduate studies with. To be fair, when I pointed out the lack of logic in his comments he did appear genuinely surprised and admitted it made no sense.

"Shes obviously lying about been unwell, probably sat in front of the fire or something"

Mums friend said about me to my mum. I ended up in hospital with meningococcal that night.

"My daughter walked after her operation so why cant <SPs>"
Said to my mum by woman from above after I had been run over at 11. I had 4 operations to save the leg and had metal rods sticking out of it as well as missing muscle. The hospital gave me a wheel chair to use.

The operation her daughter had? She had her tonsils out! grin It was hilariously mental.

"I know you want to be bridesmaid but your leg wont look good in the pictures"

Uncle due to having scars from accident. I had just got out of a cast and starting to wall properly and the fucker took my bridesmaid duty off me.

georgedawes Wed 02-Oct-13 13:49:38

"I wasn't sick when I was pregnant because I hate being sick so therefore I stopped myself. I think the nausea was actually worse for me but I can't bear to be sick." hmm

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Wed 02-Oct-13 13:49:39

Solitude your SIL sounds a charmer.

Sparkly words fail me. And that doesn't happen often.

Ilovemydog that's sad.

boardingschoolbaby Wed 02-Oct-13 14:00:24

An Aussie friend of ours once asked "what was Hitler's surname?" To which we replied "Well, Hitler". She then looked very confused and came back with "what? He was Hitler Hitler?" Us; "Errrr no."
We were two thirds of the way through a bottle of wine, but still.....

vladthedisorganised Wed 02-Oct-13 14:02:11

Me to person I'd only just met: "How old is your DS?"
Her: "He's 5, with a reading age of 14.."

I've heard of stealth boasting, but...

Sparkly that's really ignorant. It's even worse than some of the miscarriage crap I got - "of course you were always going to lose the baby because you were in mourning for your mother".. blimey.

Pagwatch Wed 02-Oct-13 14:02:40

Hitler Hitler.
<snort>

MorrisZapp Wed 02-Oct-13 14:03:58

Me: Have you seen Slumdog Millionaire yet?

MIL: No, Maureen doesn't like Indians.

Moosekin Wed 02-Oct-13 14:10:49

Am a recently joined lurker but had to post. This is something my DF overheard my DS and one of her friends saying a year or so ago.

DS: "wouldn't it be great if you could choose your baby from a baby shop?"
DS friend (who's a Med student) shock: "isn't that, like, what orphanages are?"

greenhill Wed 02-Oct-13 14:11:55

SP I hate your uncle for doing that to you. How mean sad

willyoulistentome Wed 02-Oct-13 14:12:57

All these from the same person..

"They can tell the sex at the 12 week scan , because they can count the chromosomes on the screen"

"Germolene is dangerous for children, as fumes get into them and can make them faint"

"Balding men should not shave their heads, as the hair will know it's not wanted and stop growing completely"

..and my on a totally different planet SAHM neighbour who has three kids at private school, 3 cars for a 2 adult household, 7 bedrooms, a second home in Spain and a third one in Dorset... "Oh we've got noooooo money (whine!!!)"

Off their rockers - both of them!

Hoojimiflip Wed 02-Oct-13 14:13:10

DM, in front of my DC, this summer, "have you been to Asda? It's like a (lowers voice) fucking mosque!" DC and I shock

SummerRain Wed 02-Oct-13 14:17:51

I once met someone who believed Egypt wasn't a real place, she believed it was just made up in stories confused

Dp once asked me 'where on earth do maggots come from anyway? They turn up in places but you never see them moving around the place'

Me hmm 'erm, are you serious?'

Dp 'what?' confused

Me 'they're baby flies!'

Dp 'are they?!'

Me shock [rolls on floor laughing]

JuanPotatoTwo Wed 02-Oct-13 14:18:50

I'm not sure if this one belongs here, but I've never quite worked it out and I do so love telling it. Overheard (by me) in the fruit and veg aisle in Sainsburys:

Customer 1: "That's a strange place to put the tomatoes".

Customer 2: "It is, isn't it?"

Green Mum got me a dress better than the bridesmaid one I was meant to wear and I posed for pictures with leg on show.

Cheeky basterd had cheek to try bollock me.

willyoulistentome Wed 02-Oct-13 14:24:33

Me: DS has a new football coach.
DM: what's he like?
Me; It's a she.
DM: <sharp intake of breath and cluting of pearls> aand he ACCEPTS that??

Ex when I was pregnant.

Me: when the baby comes you won't be able to leave pennies lying around like that incase they put them in their mouth.
Him: why? Will they get copper poisoning?

Youcantcme Wed 02-Oct-13 15:15:57

Ok, this from my very intelligent dd, (now 17, was 15 at the time but...)
When a paralympian visited their school, she was mesmerised by his blade runners, and his false legs. He lifted his tracksuit legs up to show the steel of his false legs,leading to a pair of Nike trainers, she turned to her friend and said......

'Do you think he still has his feet?'shock

Highly intelligent girl but fuck all common sense.

ducklady Wed 02-Oct-13 15:16:16

Oh my god ghostsgowhoosh.i would have slapped her.my son has ADHD.i would rather not get any help financially for him to have a child with out it.its soul destroying to watch a child with this.bad parenting my arse

LadyBigtoes Wed 02-Oct-13 15:25:20

Overheard by a teacher I once knew, two boys talking:

Boy 1: Guess what, my dad looked out of the window last night and he saw a man shagging a dog!

Boy2: (after a pause) Whose dog was it?

SolomanDaisy Wed 02-Oct-13 15:33:01

choccy, I don't get yours. What was ridiculous about that?

[Grin] at real life not being 3d.

cyanarasamba Wed 02-Oct-13 15:37:37

I was talking to a friend about a mutual friend who kept breeding her rabbits for sale.

Me: I hear they've had another another litter. Seems a bit irresponsible when they had trouble finding homes for the last lot.
Friend: It's ok, they can always get the RPSCA to take them can't they?

EightToSixer Wed 02-Oct-13 15:45:34

I must blame pregnancy at the time but once DH and I drove past a lake and there was a large white goose in the road. I said "That looks exactly like Jemima Puddleduck?..Is Jemima Puddleduck a Goose?". Seem the clue is in her name. Bad hormones!

mamathechicken Wed 02-Oct-13 15:51:48

Years ago after buying a new television, Friend said

'ooh did you buy a tv with MTV on it? '

YBR Wed 02-Oct-13 15:54:14

"Oooo you've a twin brother; are you identical?"
err..

GoldenGytha Wed 02-Oct-13 16:00:39

A former friend "You know why elephants are scared of mice? It's because the mice crawl up their trunks when they're asleep and eat their brains"

She didn't get why I was helpless with laughter.

Zombie Mice, FFS.

FeckOffCup Wed 02-Oct-13 16:04:34

I once met someone who believed Egypt wasn't a real place, she believed it was just made up in stories

I thought that about Transylvania for years, never knew it was a real country until the cheeky girls turned up on popstars.

GoldenGytha Wed 02-Oct-13 16:05:02

Oh and DD2 when she was little,

"Oh cats have skin, Mummy, I thought they just had fur" grin

TeamJavert Wed 02-Oct-13 16:05:39

I've posted this before,but a former colleague once asked if we roll eggs down a hill at Easter,because the Romans put Jesus in an egg, and rolled him down a hill,after he was crucified.

GoldenGytha Wed 02-Oct-13 16:11:30

My mum many years ago before I left home,

I was eating peas and sweetcorn just using my fork, and she said "Use your knife, Golden, you're not an American"

So Americans don't use knives confused

enormouse Wed 02-Oct-13 16:16:27

YBR I'd have been tempted to say 'yes…well, apart from the penis'

ArtisanLentilWeaver Wed 02-Oct-13 16:16:28

Years ago-
Friend of my mother (heavily pregnant) "The baby's toes are poking out of my bottom".

Mum (a midwife) - "You have piles".

GoldenGytha Wed 02-Oct-13 16:20:09

Not me, but a local author tells the tale of her recently divorced friend asking her,

"Weel, that's him awa, how lang til I'm a virgin again?"

Always made me giggle, I think she may have been waiting rather a long time!

emmelinelucas Wed 02-Oct-13 16:28:38

My DIL was starting ttc, and said, in all seriousness "I'm trying for twins"
Me "so, you're doing twice a night, then ?!"
DIL -"Yes, my DH is exhausted"
grin

emmelinelucas Wed 02-Oct-13 16:30:14

doing IT.
Sheesh

drudgewithagrudge Wed 02-Oct-13 16:31:59

You never see black people in swimming competitions because they don't float like white people.

The eastern european lady who sells the Big Issue in our town is apparently a millionaire in her home country.

Both heard in our local Conservative club.

Sparklysilversequins Wed 02-Oct-13 16:34:53

I think Americans cut up all their food using their knife but then put the knife down, transfer the fork to the other hand then the knife takes no further part in the meal but I am happy to be corrected.

Sparklysilversequins Wed 02-Oct-13 16:35:26

Jesus in an egg? grin

GoldenGytha Wed 02-Oct-13 16:40:52

Could be right Sparkly

It was the hoiking of the bosoms that got me smile

oinktopus Wed 02-Oct-13 16:44:45

Overheard in a takeaway a few years ago...

Customer: How big is a nine inch pizza?
Pizza maker: <holds up a nine inch base> This big.
Customer: No. How big is it in inches?
Pizza maker: <very long pause> Umm... it's nine inches.
Customer: So it's the same as the name of it?
Pizza maker: <another pause> Yes.
Customer: What about the thin crust ones?
Pizza maker: <fed up now> Can I take your order?
Customer: Yeah, a can of Coke, please.

oinktopus Wed 02-Oct-13 16:47:36

drudge My friend seriously thinks people from African countries don't excel at Olympic swimming because they have "heavy bones".

So nothing at all to do with there being much fewer facilities, then?

DameDeepRedBetty Wed 02-Oct-13 16:49:15

I was delighted to discover that Transylvania, Timbuktoo and the Antipodes were all real places. Very disappointed that Ruritania wasn't though.

I was inviting a friend (American) to come and visit me. She messages me, "Just looking at a map, and I can't find it... How far outside of London is Great Britain?"

Also had someone from the UK tell me that the only type of cheese that we had in the States was the plastic sheet cheese. Erm... confused

Can confirm about the knives though. Americans are useless at using knives when eating.

Me and a friend discussing taking wine to a party.

Me "I've got this <normal 70cl bottle>"

Friend "i'll just take this then <miniature 175 ml bottle> "

Me "yeah, but you won't get very tipsy on that.."

Friend "why not, its the same strength as yours isn't it? "

Poledra Wed 02-Oct-13 16:56:15

YBR, I've had the same comment about my twin brother too. From my very good friend who is highly intelligent but often fails to engage brain before opening mouth...

MrsGeologist Wed 02-Oct-13 16:57:46

I think I may have once drunkenly mused that life would be great in 3D blush

gennibugs Wed 02-Oct-13 16:58:34

On holiday in Florida

American Lady: "Where are you from?"

Me: "the UK"

American lady: "Wow that must have been a long drive"

Me: "You cant drive from London there's an ocean in between us?"

American Lady: "Really?!"

grin

Rooners Wed 02-Oct-13 17:02:28

Not a friend but ds1 after he and ds2 abandoned our car in order to ambush me at the checkout in waitrose, (they are 6 and 10 and were playing happily on their nintendo when I left them)

'But mum, I made fake car locking noises'.

hmm

Pretty much every single thing said about the twins, including 'which one's evil?' and all the people who said, including the PILs, given I'd only just met my partner, he was going through a hideous divorce, we'd both lost our jobs, and I was going through tough times with my asperger's teen...'did you do IVF?'

I had a flatmate at Uni who called me to say the cooker was on fire. She'd turned the gas hob on.

southerncomforts sorry I don't get that?

Friend after we went to see titanic 'I totally didn't expect it to actually sink' confused

OnaPromise Wed 02-Oct-13 17:14:40

My friend thought she weed out of her fanjo. And she is very intelligent and very good at her (demanding) job.

Feelslikea1sttimer Wed 02-Oct-13 17:20:13

My OH has a mixed race little boy as his ex wife was black... So discussing who our baby might look like and what colour hair she would have and my mum replies "ooh you never know, she might have Sam's colouring"

Errmmm no mum, I think for a mixed race baby you need 2 different races... She is actually incredibly intelligent but lacks common sense occasionally ;-)

Happydays12345 Wed 02-Oct-13 17:21:46

I was listening to my Dp and Ds talking the other day. Ds picked up the Chinese take away menu and had a read. He tried to pronounce Hors D'oeuvres but it came out as horse der ooves, Dp corrected him then said " I don't know what they are, vegetables or something".

I don't know why but its made me chuckle every time I think of it.

MrsHoratioNelson Wed 02-Oct-13 17:23:58

I was patiently explaining to a person who shall remain nameless MIL that the reason for the medical advice to keep a baby in the parents' room for 6 months was nothing to do with supervision, but rather based on the theory that the baby needs to learn to regulate its breathing by listening to its parents.

Said nameless person countered this by suggesting that since DH and I were both well-educated professionals, we wouldn't need to worry about this, since our baby would be clever and developmentally advanced hmm

Thurlow Wed 02-Oct-13 17:26:12

These are brilliant.

I was once asked, very earnestly, by a girl at university if Jesus came before or after the dinosaurs? I struggled to keep a straight face for that one.

Playing Trivial Pursuit with a very clever friend.
Me: "What's the largest archipelago in the world?"
Friend: "Um.... Cambridge?"

grin

MissPlumBroughtALadder Wed 02-Oct-13 17:32:04

choccyjules I just can't work yours out - can you explain?

OnaPromise blush

I used to think that too until a couple of years ago... My friend was absolutely aghast that I didn't know. "How do you think you can wee with a tampon in then?!" "Erm... they're made of special material?"

I'd forgotten about that...

blush

BalloonSlayer Wed 02-Oct-13 17:46:50

Um Feckoffcup Transylvania isn't a country, it's a region of Romania.

Coffeenowplease Wed 02-Oct-13 17:56:12

I had a friend think wee came from her clitoris..She was most confused her DP paid so much attention to where she weed from....

I used to be a waitress and convinced some Americans that haggis's had 3 legs which made then easy to catch.

Coffeenowplease Wed 02-Oct-13 18:00:07

The bone density in many black people is largely true but it isnt the reason for the lack of black competitors in swimming events.

www.prospectmagazine.co.uk/magazine/black-men-can-swim/#.Uk2ihNKsiSo

Interesting read.

Iwaswatchingthat Wed 02-Oct-13 18:02:10

SIL "we just don't get depressed in our family cos we just wouldn't tolerate it."

I was in 7th grade (am American) when my teacher went over the world map. Apparently Siberia is it's own country, and the whole of the UK is England- apart from Northern Ireland of course, which isn't in 'England' and is part of Ireland. hmm

TGSmum Wed 02-Oct-13 18:12:12

Poster above reminded me of an ex boyfriend. He used to open tins of cat food (for cat) and wonder why the unrefrigerated cans were crawling with maggots a week later "how did they climb up there"? He had no idea they were baby flies. He was Australian which made it even weirder.

JesusInTheCabbageVan Wed 02-Oct-13 18:16:53

DH, after studying a painting of the ark for a long, loooong time: "There aren't any fish in it."

No, he wasn't joking. I checked.

carabos Wed 02-Oct-13 18:19:02

When DS2 was born, the midwife handed him to me and I said to DH "ooh it's a boy". He said "how do you know?" confused. He made it worse by saying that he thought we had to wait for the midwife to tell us and I was "jumping the gun". grin. He still doesn't get why I think that's funny hmm.

sparklekitty Wed 02-Oct-13 18:23:25

Onapromise - that reminds me of an ex who once asked why women bother to use tampons as it must be such a pain taking them out every time you need to go to the loo. After much confused we finally worked out that he thought everything, I mean everything came out your fanjo!

VeremyJyle Wed 02-Oct-13 18:29:14

When DD was born days before our first wedding anniversary SIL said So you must've known when you got married you were already expecting...

JesusInTheCabbageVan Wed 02-Oct-13 18:29:21

When I was 15, my (male) friend asked how women coped with periods and how come we avoided having them in public. It turned out he thought they lasted about a minute - just one big gory whoosh, like a Geyser.

DP at an antenatal class, when asked how long it might take each time I had to BF the twins. He veered between one minute and ten so settled on five...

DH a couple of summers ago. "You know next door's apple tree, has it always grown apples?" No, it used to be pears. Of course it has you numpty.

carabos your DH has just given me the biggest laugh of the day!

This weekend just gone.

Me: DH can't eat the pizza because of all the cheese.
DM: But it's mild cheese 2Old.
Me: And?
DM: Well it's lower in fat than mature cheese.
Whole family hmm

She's quite intelligent but genuinely thought the more mature the cheese the higher the fat content.

InsertBoringName Wed 02-Oct-13 18:45:25

A bit shocking but a normally lovely and intelligent friend of mine told me she firmly believes cancer survival rates are influenced by a positive state of mind. That mentally 'fighting it' will cure you. Obviously the people who died (like my 51 year old stepmother) just couldn't give a crap and lay down and 'let' cancer kill them sad

ALMOSTMRSG Wed 02-Oct-13 18:49:12

I have a friend who is convinced that mixed gender twins can be identical. She will argue that she is correct. ����

My friend didn't realise that Reindeers were actually real animals and was shocked when she saw some at a zoo. She thought they were made up for children in Christmas stories. shock grin

AngusAndElspethsThistleWhistle Wed 02-Oct-13 19:09:33

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

headsspinningforachange Wed 02-Oct-13 19:22:45

Their are some proper dim-wits (sp) their

Erebus Wed 02-Oct-13 19:23:44

A friend of mine was driving her 2nd year DD back from Hampshire to uni in Cardiff, where she was doing Law. She is now on track to becoming a Solicitor. Upon crossing the Severn, the DD says "Mum, what is that funny language they plaster on all the signs here?".... Second Year.

Skang Wed 02-Oct-13 19:31:02

I had a friend years ago who was telling me about some cheap holiday deals or something and said that it was just for UK breaks. Then she asked 'Do they include Germany in that?'

She also once was telling me about her holiday and said that they accepted their own currency (I forget where she had been now) but also accepted something called 'Sterling?'.

BMW6 Wed 02-Oct-13 19:43:20

My dear Mum in answering a Trivial Pusuit question......

Q - What country has a coastline of only 3 and 1/2 miles?
Mum- Great Britain (and she had driven 10 miles along the coast to get to our house from hers......)

buildingmycorestrength Wed 02-Oct-13 19:44:20

Blimey, these are corkers. shock.

daughterofafarmer Wed 02-Oct-13 19:54:32

Some of those are truly outstanding and shocking!

A friend of mine who was planning her wedding wasn't impressed when her brothers girlfriend offer to help in any way...I said oh great, that's nice of her. My friend replied...
'But what does she know about planning a Christian wedding'

shock Girlfriend is muslim.

runawaysimba Wed 02-Oct-13 20:00:05

These are great. At a party years ago, I can't remember how or why this came up, but someone says that there are only 30 or so days each year that women can conceive. My future Rhodes scholar friend: then why don't we all have the same birthdays?

MissStrawberry Wed 02-Oct-13 20:03:28

Okay, I'll be the dozy one. Where do you wee from if not your fanny?

Skang Wed 02-Oct-13 20:10:59

Your urethra. Time you Google imaged it I think!

Skang Wed 02-Oct-13 20:12:58

I will admit to not realising the identical brother and sister twin thing until a few years ago blush I think it just stems from meeting very similar brother/sister twins and not reall u thinking about it very much.

MissStrawberry Wed 02-Oct-13 20:15:35

All the same to me. Missed a lot of biology with changing schools.

ginmakesitallok Wed 02-Oct-13 20:21:45

I have a twin brother and have been asked "are you identical?" a few times. I just tell them no we're not, I have slightly bigger tits

rcs19 Wed 02-Oct-13 20:35:07

My friend, during a power cut:

'but how can I drive home? My headlights won't work!'

EverythingsRosieBear Wed 02-Oct-13 20:46:48

DH was looking at a monkey at the zoo when in all seriousness asked where its willy was..... Um that would be a girl monkey love!

hellsbells76 Wed 02-Oct-13 20:52:35

I remember when I was about 19 innocently asking my then boyfriend about the 'Slow lorries ahead' signs on roads. 'How do they know?' He just looked at me despairingly.

CecyHall Wed 02-Oct-13 20:53:37

My fairly intelligent DH once said 'I'm not sure what butterscotch is, is it from a plant'

I can't even imagine what a butterscotch plant would look like.

MrsWolowitz Wed 02-Oct-13 21:00:58

SIL to DH "you can't be happily married, otherwise you wouldn't need anti-depressants"

hmm

chinam Wed 02-Oct-13 21:13:46

One of my sisters would not believe me when I told her that carrot cake had real carrot in it. She also also refused to believe that cheese cake had cheese in it

BuffytheFeministFeminist Wed 02-Oct-13 21:13:54

Me, to DH: "do they cut the trees by the side of the road in the shape of a double decker bus on purpose, or is it that the passing busses break the branches off?"

DH: "mwahahahahahahaha"

bulby Wed 02-Oct-13 21:35:37

Sorry but it is biologically possible for identical twins to be different sexes, the girl will often have Turner syndrome.. It's exceptionally rare but can happen- just google it.

I was going to say the same as bulby. It is certainly possible for male/female twins to be identical.

There are a lot of MNers who seem to think that the channel tunnel sits on the bed of the ocean.

rallytog1 Wed 02-Oct-13 21:39:04

MissStrawberry I'll admit to the fanny/urethra confusion. I was very peturbed when I recently had to have a catheter in for 3 weeks and found that it was not, in fact, up my fanny blush

Best thing I've heard a friend say is that she sets her alarm for every two hours in the night to change her baby's nappy. She is genuinely baffled as to how other babies sleep through their two-hourly nighttime nappy changes. I don't have the heart to tell her...

ginmakesitallok Wed 02-Oct-13 21:52:02

Well dr google tells me that fewer than 10 boy/girl monozygotic twins have been reported, so pretty unlikely. And given that I don't have any of the symptoms of turners I still think folk asking if I'm identical to my db are being ridiculous!

MrsRambo Wed 02-Oct-13 21:52:33

Depression is always a choice

Er, I really don't think people choose to feel this shit mate....

From quite a close friend when discussing the depression of a mutual friend. I was really taken aback because she is generally a very compassionate person (but also v religious? Not sure if relevant?).

2 hourly nappy changes? <faints>

My sister once went downstairs to my parents to ask for a new lightbulb because the one in her room was leaking. She was 16 and apparently thought lightbulbs were full of water.

MrsWolowitz Wed 02-Oct-13 21:58:33

Colleague to me while I was on extended sick leave under the care of a CPN whilst I was being diagnosed with bipolar; "well, the moon has been full a lot recently (eh?) so I reckon you'll feel better when that's all back to normal"

Just what?

Coffeenowplease Wed 02-Oct-13 22:02:35

I dont have kids - can someone explain the nappy one ?

ginmakesitallok Wed 02-Oct-13 22:05:39

Coffee, like sleeping dogs, sleeping babies should (generally) be let lie

crumpet Wed 02-Oct-13 22:10:37

"I've just found out George Michael is gay"

Coffeenowplease Wed 02-Oct-13 22:11:01

Ah. So they dont need waking for nappy change ? Interesting. Will store that away for the future.

crumpet Wed 02-Oct-13 22:12:32

(comment made this summer)

PelvicFloorClenchReminder Wed 02-Oct-13 22:16:42

My SIL, with whom I was discussing holidays - "Oh but you're not allowed to go to Centerparcs, that's only for real families, you can't go there!"

No, single parents apparently cannot be a family and the best they can hope for is a leaky tent far away from all the 'normal' people. hmm

ginmakesitallok Wed 02-Oct-13 22:17:29

Coffee, they don't need their nappy changed every 2 hours

humphryscorner Wed 02-Oct-13 22:18:22

My friend thought that in the theme song to transformers ... "Transformers , robots in disguise" was actually "transformers , robots in de sky's " as in robots in the sky's but said with a Jamaican accent ..,

Matildaandthematches Wed 02-Oct-13 22:22:23

A friend, while at university studying history, asked us 'who was on the throne in the Victorian era'. And they say standards haven't slipped...

nicename Wed 02-Oct-13 22:27:38

I had a colleague who, when on a works bowling night out and was asked his shoe size said 'I have absolutely no idea - they're all hand made for me...'. He wasn't BS-ing either.

PipkinsPal Wed 02-Oct-13 22:38:30

Friends of mine were convinced that penguins did not have feathers and quite proudly told me "they have pelt". The husband of the same couple said that countries have the same names as their language, eg England/English. Therefore the language of Holland was Hollish and the language of Belgium was Belgeeze!

tinkerbellvspredator Wed 02-Oct-13 22:41:36

I think what choccyjules one is - both DC were weaned at 18 months but the DD1 is one year older than the DD2

Megglevache Wed 02-Oct-13 22:44:32

Corkers on here- brilliant thread!

RetroHippy Wed 02-Oct-13 22:49:11

Um, so if one's friend thought, hypothetically speaking, that the channel tunnel was on the sea bed, how would one be best placed to correct them?

RetroHippy Wed 02-Oct-13 22:50:16

It goes just under the sea bed doesn't it? I'm now thinking its suspended just below the surface or something blush

Thesebootsweremadeforwalking Wed 02-Oct-13 22:54:47

Channel tunnel is bored through the rock underneath the sea bed.

namechangearitus Wed 02-Oct-13 22:55:57

I would love a butterscotch plant grin

Thesebootsweremadeforwalking Wed 02-Oct-13 22:56:11

<hoping that was in fact right and that I'm not going to have a walk-on part later in this thread>

RetroHippy Wed 02-Oct-13 22:57:19

You're ok boots. I done a google wink

Thesebootsweremadeforwalking Wed 02-Oct-13 22:59:01

grin Phew!

koalacube Wed 02-Oct-13 23:36:49

My SIL :

don't you think its cheaper to just eat out all the time. . .

AnaisHendricks Wed 02-Oct-13 23:41:54

We moved house in April to a place with pre-pay and the boiler was making strange noises so I marched into the living room and accosted DH, lights blazing, television and PC on and said, "the electricity meter must have run out!" blush

My sister doesn't know who the Prime Minister is and doesn't vote because politics do not affect her apparently. She is a lone parent with two children! She also once asked me how soon after having sex should the contraceptive pill be taken.

CoconutRing Thu 03-Oct-13 00:03:14

My family are originally from Italy and my dear GM told me that I couldn't marry a man from China because it would be "like a cow marrying a cat"! I couldn't convince her that a man is still a man whatever his nationality.

ScarerAndFuck Thu 03-Oct-13 00:06:44

Talking at school to someone about foods our children like and dislike to eat. Another mother overhears.

Her: Oh, you know what you should never let them eat because it causes an allergic reaction?
Me: What?
Her" Persil. My niece at some once and it caused an allergic reaction. She had to go to hospital so we've never let her eat it since.

Ex-colleague: Can I photocopy this before I fax it?
Me: Just fax it, it will go through like that.
EC: But I need to keep it, it's the original! Or what if I put a note on it asking them to fax it straight back when they are finished with it?

Cottage cheese isn't cheese.

StupidFlanders Thu 03-Oct-13 01:03:23

I have no idea why I laughed out loud about the tomatoes being in a strange place!

theolddragon01876 Thu 03-Oct-13 02:09:45

I live in USA and have heard some doozies grin

Friend on meeting my parents who were over from Scotland to visit.
"So did you drive or take the train"
Father " we flew,you cant drive here from there,theres an ocean"
Friend " really? and no bridge? thats odd,Scotland right off Canada isnt it?
Father confused
Intelligent college educated woman

Another intelligent college educated friend
"I want to go to Australia,Id love to see lions,tigers and giraffes in the wild"
Me "HA HA HA" you numpty "HA HA HA"
Friend " what"
Me"they dont live wild in Australia"
Friend " Im pretty sure they do,are you sure ?"

I have a lot of college educated numpty friends,yet another one talking to a patient
patient " Im off to Fiji next week for a vacation"
friend " Thats off the coast of Oregon isnt it? "

Another lady I met told me I spoke pretty good English grin

Another didnt believe that in Scotland we didnt spent our lives sitting 1/2 way up a mountain making tweed all day,didnt realise we had jobs just like people in the USA

Constant source of amusement for me grin

Oh the knife thing is true btw,people here CANNOT use them and cut everything ( except steak,that is cut with a knife held awkwardly in the wrong hand ) with the edge of their fork grin

ZingWantsCake Thu 03-Oct-13 02:18:36

I was cooking chicken once, and cutting up the meat I told the kids that the muscle, flesh and meat are all different names of the same thing, the bit we eat.

my 8 year old said:" mummy, I never knew that!"
to which my 40-year-old husband replied: "Nor did I"

shock confused grin wtf, really?grin

also when he was younger he used to think that tigers were female lions!grin grin

DaleyBump Thu 03-Oct-13 02:42:32

ALMOSTMRSG it is possible.

sashh Thu 03-Oct-13 06:00:19

Okay, I'll be the dozy one. Where do you wee from if not your fanny?

Get a mirror and count the holes.

ExasperatedSigh Thu 03-Oct-13 06:36:00

Me: I'm going to Antwerp to visit a friend.
My nan: On your own? Ooh, you are brave!

As if Belgium was teeming with man-eating lions and only accessible by tightrope grin

theolddragon Maybe Scotland was confused with Nova Scotia?

No excuses for the other ones!

YY to the cutting with fork/knife in wrong hand. I'm a yank and after living in the UK for less a month I got so sick of the stares and "How do you eat like that?!" comments that I've forced myself to switch hands (which was very messy for a while!) and use a knife constantly!

chrome100 Thu 03-Oct-13 07:02:04

My sister once said "I don't see the problem with child labour, at least they're getting paid".

To be fair, she was quite young at the time. I don't think she believes that now!

Have just been reading these to DP and he's reminded me of another gem from me. I used to think the Chunnel was see-through, like a drive-thru aquarium, so always really wanted to go! DP had to inform me that a) it's underground b) even if it was in the water, it would be dark so you wouldn't see anything anyway c) who would clean it if it were glass, and d) you can't bloody drive through it!!

Dreams shattered.

And another: He was working in NZ at the time, and I was flying out to visit him from the states. "Which side of the road do they drive on there, same as the US or same as UK?" "The left." "What do you mean the left?! Surely that depends on which direction you're driving?!"

blush

I'm really not a complete moron, I swear!

MissStrawberry Thu 03-Oct-13 07:19:37

wine in solidarity with rallytog1.

ALMOSTMRSG Thu 03-Oct-13 07:20:06

Well, I stand corrected!! Still incredibly rare, though.

MissStrawberry Thu 03-Oct-13 07:22:58

MrsRambo - no, not relevant hmm.

Rooners Thu 03-Oct-13 07:23:53

'There are a lot of MNers who seem to think that the channel tunnel sits on the bed of the ocean.'

I used to think this. After all it does not float, does it.

I was relieved to hear that it was a hole through the ground under the sea. But I thought the sea was deeper than that.

Mind you I used to think that Tories were called Tories because of the word 'conservatory'.

(why are they then, huh?)

PaulSmenis Thu 03-Oct-13 07:46:26

One of the choice ones from my best friend's DH was that poor people should just eat lentils if they can't afford free range meat.

Also, they should keep all social housing apart from private residencies as
people in social housing are usually chavs.

They are a really nice couple despite these dubious views.

shrinkingnora Thu 03-Oct-13 07:55:53

I was in the pub with my American aunt and uncle and there were some rather odd locals in their. On hearing my aunt and uncle's accents they came over and asked to be introduced.

"oh my god, you're American, I never knew Americans really existed. I've seen them on tv but thought they were made up. This is amazing! I love Elvis, have you met him?"

shrinkingnora Thu 03-Oct-13 07:56:28

There. Autocorrect fail.

DameDeepRedBetty Thu 03-Oct-13 08:24:11

Rooners Tory is the anglicised form of an Irish word meaning outlaw, and was first used politically as an insulting description of royalist supporters during the English Civil Wars/Commonwealth/Restoration period. It's become shorthand for people who support the Establishment. (Don't think I can synopsise the history of the last 350 years of political change in the United Kingdom any shorter than that!)

SPBisResisting Thu 03-Oct-13 08:37:52

Yes I thought they must have been thinking of nova scotia too.
And I used to think tigers were "lady lions" as well

karinmaria Thu 03-Oct-13 08:44:33

When at uni:
American friend: so, where in South Africa are you from?
South African friend: Cape Town
American friend: no, I mean the country. Which country in South Africa? Like Kenya or something?
South African friend: South Africa is a country!
American friend: no, it's not, it's a region.
This went on for a while so I went to the bar. They were still going round in circles ten minutes later.

My DH didn't know rivers flowed into the sea - he thought the water came from the sea and they flowed inland, gradually drying up.

He also had never tried a plum until a few months ago.

HandragsAndGladbags Thu 03-Oct-13 08:46:46

DM sat the through the first half of Fame - The Musical and asked when Olivia Newton John would be coming on during the interval.

An American exchange student who believed pizza was invented by Americans and wouldn't be told differently.

The American history teacher who said WWII started in 1941 - I guess it did for some grin

GhostsInSnow Thu 03-Oct-13 08:48:14

Playing catchphrase with 20 year old ds, I hold up a card with a picture of an aeroplane with the head of an elephant in it. He stares for a while then gets all excited and yells elephant plane!

And he's at uni. Sigh.

Florin Thu 03-Oct-13 08:54:57

My bil once turned to my husband and said do you know that there are s

Florin Thu 03-Oct-13 09:01:35

We were out for dinner with my parents when my bil turned to my husband and said do you know that there are some people out there who literally have to wait for their next pay cheque to come in at the end of the month so they can spend again they literally have no money left until they get paid. I can't believe people live like that everyone should always have at least 6 month pay in the bank surely everyone knows that. My husband had to point out that actually a large percentage of the population live like that. In fact he didn't mention that we were having a tough time that month so much so I had told my husband to poo at work as we were running out of toilet paper and couldn't afford more until payday. I think my husband did well not to punch him!

Rooners Thu 03-Oct-13 09:07:22

Oh Betty! Thankyou so much. I can now pretend to be clever if the subject ever arises again grin

tobiasfunke Thu 03-Oct-13 09:09:20

A friend on explaining why she thought her 2 year old's speech was quite poor told me, with a straight face, that said child had been concentrating on other things "He has amazing leadership qualities. We think he is going to be a leader of men".

I spat out my coffee and she gave me a filthy look.

HandragsAndGladbags Thu 03-Oct-13 09:10:41

My London friend who asked whether Edinburgh was further north than Birmingham.

I was once walking my blue brindle whippet puppy through town when I heard a woman turn to her child and say
" look dear, a white Alsatian". There were no other dogs anywhere in sight. confused

The thing with the channel tunnel that baffles me is even if you haven't thought through the logistics of how exactly you'd put a tunnel on the sea bed, does nobody remember it being dug? The moment when the French and English sides met and shook hands through the earth was monumental. I remember being fascinated by it and this image was all over the place.

It was only opened in 1994 I think. I remember the machinery and the photographs and just how amazing it all was. To be fair though, I think most of my contemporaries were having boyfriends and a life.

MrsRajeshKoothrappali Thu 03-Oct-13 09:36:30

*Ex-colleague: Can I photocopy this before I fax it?
Me: Just fax it, it will go through like that.
EC: But I need to keep it, it's the original! Or what if I put a note on it asking them to fax it straight back when they are finished with it?*

My dad once worked with a bloke like that. He'd spent 30 minutes trying to send a fax and eventually moaned to my dad (manger) that the fax machine was broken.

Two seconds later my dad gets a phonecall from another department asking why they've been sent about 30 copies of the same fax..!

grin

He also once got dragged out of his office by a hysterical person on the phone crying about an invasion of rats (dad was in charge of health and safety).

Off he goes to investigate this 'invasion'.

Was a rabbit. On it's own. Spotted in a field outside of the office.

Overreacting much??

hmm

ShesADreamer Thu 03-Oct-13 09:38:57

DH, shortly after we married:
Wife or no wife, I can still divorce you.

He's a solicitor.

ScarerAndFuck Thu 03-Oct-13 09:44:35

I love the invasion of rats one MrsK grin

giantpenguinmonster Thu 03-Oct-13 09:46:44

I know a few people who thought that Buffalo mozzarella is made from buffalo milk. As in American buffalo.

Btw, a few animals have urethra's that empty into the vagina. Cow's do.

LeGavrOrf Thu 03-Oct-13 09:47:58

Watching a tv show showing footage of the First World War.

Friend- I wonder why people in the olden days walked so quickly and jerkily, far more than we do today. Do you reckon it was because of their shoes?

Me - they didn't walk any differently, it's just that the film was jerky when it was in its infancy.

Friend - oh don't be ridiculous.

Rowed about it for AGES.

BuffytheFeministFeminist Thu 03-Oct-13 09:50:55

What is Buffalo mozzarella made from, out of interest? If not buffalo milk?

BuffytheFeministFeminist Thu 03-Oct-13 09:51:49

Do you reckon it was because of their shoes?

Their shoes had little static electric shocks in them perhaps? Muhahahaha grin

HandragsAndGladbags Thu 03-Oct-13 09:52:01

But buffalo mozzarella is made from buffalo milk?

That's an easy enough mistake to make about the buffalo though, even if it is water buffalo that the mozzarella comes from, rather than the American bison.

giantpenguinmonster Thu 03-Oct-13 09:55:33

Italian water buffalo!

LeGavrOrf Thu 03-Oct-13 09:56:49

It is made from buffalo isn't it?

Not American buffaloes but buffaloes all the same.

LeGavrOrf Thu 03-Oct-13 09:58:56

I know,

I asked her what on earth was in the shoes to make people scamper along quickly and jerkily. And what had changed in less than a hundred years in shoe design which enabled people to walk normally. And why did everyone have shoe problems.

She would not have it.

imofftolisdoonvarna Thu 03-Oct-13 10:01:32

I don't I ever thought about the nationality of buffalo that mozzarella comes from, just that they are buffalo! Surely people thinking that it comes from American rather than Italian can't be that bad - it's not on the same scale of dumb as some of the other stuff on this thread!

FruOla Thu 03-Oct-13 10:05:06

Re the couple of posts about faxes, I had a similar conversation with my, then, boss when faxes were in their infancy. I'd picked up a document from his desk to fax

Me : I'll take this to fax to <client>
Him : <panicking> Don't fax the original, we need to keep it for the file
Me: I will keep it for the file
Him : But if you fax the original it will be lost forever
Me : Do you think the paper rolls up into a tiny tube and slithers down the phone line?

Fortunately he had a great sense of humour, so I knew I could get away with my final comment grin

imofftolisdoonvarna Thu 03-Oct-13 10:08:00

Actually, I did used to think that the actual paper somehow did get sucked into the fax machine and sent to the person! I couldn't figure out how else they would get it blush

fleacircus Thu 03-Oct-13 10:18:57

Tobiasfunke, that's genius. I'm sure DD2 must be destined for greatness, on that rationale, just as long as none of her great orations require her to say the words spoon ('poon'), because ('metoz') or Christmas ('mistmuss').

DadOnIce Thu 03-Oct-13 10:23:04

To be fair it did take a lot of people a while to work out about George Michael.... didn't it? It's true of a lot of boy-band pop-stars who are marketed at girls - they hide their sexuality for the first few years of their career. See also Steven Gately. That chap from Union J is unusual in coming out right at the start of their career. (Disclaimer: I only know about the existence of Union J thanks to a teenage DD!)

KBwan Thu 03-Oct-13 10:24:58

A very clever friend of mine was keen to join in a discussion about why people often seem to sing with an English accent, regardless of where they're from (while watching Eurovision) -

"I imagine they all sing with an English accent because singing was invented in England."

grin

NoMoreMadCatLady Thu 03-Oct-13 10:27:05

Friends in their final year at Oxford still needed convincing that when they bought a lightbulb they still had to pay for electricity to use it. They thought the price of any lightbulb included the electricity used in it, & that was was bulbs blew, because they electricity had run out.

WaftyCrank Thu 03-Oct-13 10:42:50

'What kind of animal is Piglet?'

Asked by me someone else.

ThinkIveLostIt Thu 03-Oct-13 10:52:12

me very smart friend:

"do they keep the sheep inside once they make the rugs"
me: "huh?"
her: "well they'll be cold once they've been skinned "

another gem from her to her DP:
"thats a lot of caravens over there"
him: "yeah its for storage"
her: "do they not have cupboards?"

scary thing is she's a teacher

Bil thought tampon sizes were fanjo size related.... dsis was furious as he'd always bought her super plus! grin

neolara Thu 03-Oct-13 11:03:09

Me - "Did you apply for that promotion you mentioned before?"
Her - "No. I decided not to because Jonny has his entrance exams for (very posh and exclusive) school in 2 years time. I have to help him with his work, because he'll be competing against boys whose mother don't work" i.e. mothers who don't work will be spending every second tutoring their kids.
Me - in my head to myself - "You are actually stark staring bonkers and I have to stop this conversation now or you will realise this is what I think of you."

mignonette Thu 03-Oct-13 11:04:38

Cat I know a MW who proudly claims she uses the mini size because she has a tiny vagina. Well meaning but thick, she is.

PistachioTruffle Thu 03-Oct-13 11:06:55

Can someone explain the elephant plane catchphrase thing to me please? I'm puzzled!

FruOla Thu 03-Oct-13 11:10:45

Jumbo jet!

Jumbo jet smile

ScarerAndFuck Thu 03-Oct-13 11:11:39

I've read the word Buffalo so often it is started to look made up now grin

Thistledew Thu 03-Oct-13 11:21:36

Jumbo Jet, Pistachio. Don't worry - I had to wrack my brains to work it out too!

Blatherskite Thu 03-Oct-13 11:28:35

A friend once told me that she didn't believe in dinosaurs confused

GhostsInSnow Thu 03-Oct-13 11:39:48

I can't believe how many of you didn't get Jumbo Jet! grin

Blatherskite my friend is a high school science teacher, you wouldn't believe how many of her pupils refuse to acknowledge the existence of Dinosaurs.

Matildaandthematches A friend, while at university studying history, asked us 'who was on the throne in the Victorian era'.
That would be the late great King Victor right? (only messing) wink

TeacakeEater Thu 03-Oct-13 11:46:38

I know people who insist the dinosaur fossils were planted, by a creator, as a test of faith.

Dobbiesmum Thu 03-Oct-13 11:50:43

Me to a friend when I first bought sanpro with wings "not buying those again, they're crap and it really hurts when you take the towel off"
I had been putting the damn things on upside down and stuck the wings to what turned out to be a very sensitive (and rash prone) area...
blush

SterlingCooperDraperPryce Thu 03-Oct-13 11:52:18

have only read op but we only started trying for children once we knew we could afford for me to go parttime and could afford childcare. is that weird? I thought it was sensible!

LaQueenForADay Thu 03-Oct-13 12:00:04

Not a RL friend, but someone I knew quite well, from my old forum once asked, in all seriousness 'Why wasn't Pope Jon Paul II's wife and children at his funeral?' shock

My Dad (who was actually a very intelligent, grammar school boy) once asked my Mum in surprise 'So, was Jesus a Jew, then?' - even more shocking was that he'd actually got an O Level in RE hmm

My BF, at the time, worried that she might be pregnant after a split condom incident. I asked where she was in her menstrual cycle, but she totally didn't get the relevence of this...she had simply no idea that typically you can only get pregnant around the time of ovulation...in fact she didn't know what ovulation was ... Even more worrying, she had just qualified as a nurse.

DH's Auntie, is a luffly lady, but totally clueless how the world works...she genuinely thought the Euro could only be used when you were on holiday, and was created to save holidaymakers the hassle of using traveller's cheques, or exchanging currencies hmm

LaQueenForADay Thu 03-Oct-13 12:03:44

Dobbie you have just reminded me...my friend's Mum warned my friend off wearing Tampax, because they were so uncomfortable and often downright painful hmm

My Mum's friend had tried to wear Tampax for years, but hated them because it hurt so much, and she always leaked.

After some discussion, it turned out my friend's Mum hadn't realised you were meant to remove the applicator. Yes, really... <winces>

Dsis and I watchinng a documentary about adult conjoined twins:

Dsis " I'm glad we're not conjoined twins - what would happen about work?""
Me "We'd have to have the same job, obviously"
Dsis "But you work in a nightclub, and I'm only 17. Can't see you being happy to just work in New Look on Saturdays - you'd be well skint" confused

Dobbiesmum Thu 03-Oct-13 12:05:41

LaQueen I know a couple of people who didn't know that Jesus would have been Jewish, even more worryingly I know of a local Pastor (evangelical church) who tells his congregation that he definitely wasn't! My old neighbour went to his church and refused to believe me when I told her...

When I was about 12 or 13

The whole family sitting down to play Trivial Pursuit and this question came up -
"In what game are your balls green and yellow and your opponents balls blue and red?"
Me - Boxing!

(The actual answer I believe was croquet blush)

MintyDiamonds Thu 03-Oct-13 12:14:32

My best friend is in college and they were talking about breast feeding and her (male) tutor said that you shouldn't breast feed as it can cause breast cancer what with the baby knocking the boobs about hmm

namechangearitus Thu 03-Oct-13 12:53:39

Playing a question game a good few years ago -

Q- what comes in pairs ?

Somebody me - Pips

It still gets mentioned now & was 18 years ago blush

LaQueenForADay Thu 03-Oct-13 12:59:43

And, of course the classic from my dipsy MIL, whilst watching the BBC's 'Walking With Dinosaurs' years ago...

'Oh, oh no, fancy the BBC letting the T-Rex kill that poor little dinosaur, when they've gone to all that trouble to breed them again...!'

Cue, mine and DH's eyes swivelling in her direction like this hmm, and a tumbleweed blowing through our living room. On closer examination, turns out that MIL had recently watched 'Jurassic Park', and just quietly taken it as gospel. DH was in despair, you could see him clearly thinking 'How can I possibly have this woman's DNA???'

And her other little gem 'How do flasks know to keep hot drinks hot, and cold drinks cold?'

And, let's not forget 'I just don't understand why my (17 year old) DD's car insurance is costing £2,300 when her car is really old and only worth about £500. It's outrageous?'

I tried, at some length, to explain our car insurance works, but I know for a fact she didn't grasp the concept. Because she was horrified all over again, the following year, when the renewal notice came through.

And, finally when she found out that my 3 adult cousins (all in their early 20s), had special needs and had the cognitive abilities of approx. a 6 year old, she remarked 'Oh, but at least when they get to about 35, they'll finally have normal brains won't they, and be just like everyone else?'

Er, well no...actually hmm

Rooners Thu 03-Oct-13 13:04:19

WAIT. Rewind please.

What are tampon sizes based on then?

LaQueenForADay Thu 03-Oct-13 13:07:13

Tampon size is gauged on how heavy your menstrual flow is.

[pats Rooners head...]

Rooners Thu 03-Oct-13 13:24:23

Oh..blush

My DB when a teenager came home from schoolbook shopping in town and said "The religion book called 'To Be Decided Later' wasn't in stock anywhere".

He was about 16.

Rooners, I love you. grin

I refuse to admit half of the stuff I didn't realise until embarrassingly late.

<cough> Batman isn't a superhero <cough>

<cough> I wasn't pronouncing biopic correctly <cough>

LaQueenForADay Thu 03-Oct-13 13:31:16

Rooners you do know that a vagine is highly elastic, and can stretch from snuggly holding a narrow tampon, to accomodating a baby's head...so, really trying to gauge the width of anyone's vagine is a bit pointless.

NeedlesCuties Thu 03-Oct-13 13:32:37

Friends from our church were heading from UK to Africa for mission work with a church we are partnered with.

Discussions about the trip were taking place and one person wondered out loud how long it'd take to fly over the Atlantic to get to Africa.... We were flying from London, nowhere near the Atlantic, going the opposite direction!

Also, a male single friend and I were watching TV and an ad for sanitary pads came on. He asked me in all seriousness just how a woman folded them and put them up her vagina. He has 2 sisters and I've no idea how I explained the answer to him without busting out laughing grin

Onetwothreeoops Thu 03-Oct-13 13:39:24

My DSis once asked me to confirm that a blow job was where the woman farts in a mans mouth. She was about 10 at the time so I assume she heard this gem in the playground. Of course I did in no way confirm that yes indeed that was exactly what a blow job was and let her believe it for years, oh no not me...

Not from a friend but fits this category well.

I was trying to freecycle a piece of furniture. The ad went along the lines of, "Oak veneer wardrobe, Xcm High, Xcm Wide, Xcm Deep."

I had a reply which said, "What colour is it and how big please?"

ObamasElfWithAOuijaBoard Thu 03-Oct-13 13:43:54

I would just like to stick up for Rooners. I have pushed a baby out of my vagine but I cannot comfortable use any tampon above regular.

Thesebootsweremadeforwalking Thu 03-Oct-13 13:45:17

Batman's not a superhero, then? confused

Rooners Thu 03-Oct-13 13:46:10

I want a vaginal gauge now. Surely they must exist.

Rooners Thu 03-Oct-13 13:48:21

Showy we are clearly living parallel lives...it took me a LONG time to realise it didn't rhyme with myopic.

"My DB when a teenager came home from schoolbook shopping in town and said "The religion book called 'To Be Decided Later' wasn't in stock anywhere"..... "

Oh, bless!

Poledra Thu 03-Oct-13 13:49:16

Boots, no he's not. He's just a rich dude with a fetish for lycra bodysuits and the money for lots of gadgetry. No superpowers, see?

Thesebootsweremadeforwalking Thu 03-Oct-13 13:49:59

Ah, I see!

Thesebootsweremadeforwalking Thu 03-Oct-13 13:50:43

Like Syndrome from The Incredibles smile

Poledra Thu 03-Oct-13 13:53:07

Indeed grin

SoleSource Thu 03-Oct-13 13:53:08

Great thread smile

Cannot think of anything to add.

shrinkingnora Thu 03-Oct-13 13:53:26

You see, biopic really annoys me. You don't say 'I'm reading a really good bi-oh-graphy' do you? So I always got it wrong too. I did hear a Radio 4 presenter say it both ways in the same sentence the other day.

BloodiedWellies Thu 03-Oct-13 13:54:38

WhisperMen on page one. When I got my BA and my Master of Arts degree, my mothers family whispered to each other 'I did not think she ever was artistic. She never talks about pottery or the like'.

Seriously.

Weeantwee Thu 03-Oct-13 13:56:44

Old school friend during a phone conversation after I had moved from the Midlands (where I met her) to Wales.

Friend: Why are you speaking Welsh?
Me: Er, I'm not
Friend: You are, you sound Welsh
Me: Every word I have spoken has been in English
Friend: Yes I know, but you sound Welsh, you're speaking Welsh
Me: You do know that Welsh is a different language to English. It's not just an accent
Friend: Really? Wow!

confused

ImpOfDarkness Thu 03-Oct-13 13:58:47

I knew a girl at Oxford who thought that the tube went all over the country.

KirjavaTheCorpse Thu 03-Oct-13 13:59:32

"What colour is a black person's blood? Is it brown?" hmm

"Where does Lebanese food originate, like, what country? I've never heard of a place called Leban"

LeGavrOrf Thu 03-Oct-13 14:00:44

Batman is just an attention seeker.

Rooners Thu 03-Oct-13 14:03:32

I know it's unrelated but I think Megamind is brilliant. Especially the bit where Titan spells out his name and he thinks it is 'tighten'. grin

Ironman could kick Batman's arse. Fact.

I still want to rhyme it with myopic. In my head I do.

Yeah, I assumed Batman could fly and shit. In my defence, I'd never watched or read any Batman. I just assumed he was like Spiderman. You know, part bat.

Batman is a ruddy great show off.

Iron Man I get. DD adores Iron Man.

I was in the car with my friend when 'Hollaback Girl' by Gwen Stefani came on the radio. Friend asked "is Hollaback the name of one of the US states?" hmm

KhunZhoop Thu 03-Oct-13 14:28:18

Someone I know me used to think that "twat" was the female form of "twit".

Peetle Thu 03-Oct-13 14:32:14

Back to the Channel Tunnel: I spent ages arguing with a work colleague when it was being dug. They could not understand why it was quicker to dig it from both ends and meet in the middle instead of just digging it from one end.

And there are many tunnels around the world (Hong Kong for a start) that are made by sinking metal segments onto the sea floor and then linking them up.

SPBisResisting Thu 03-Oct-13 14:34:35

How do you pronounce biopic

SPBisResisting Thu 03-Oct-13 14:36:43

Oh like biopsy?

SoleSource Thu 03-Oct-13 14:37:10

Was Moses involved in the digging of the Channel Tunnel then? Did he part the English Channel? confused

buildingmycorestrength Thu 03-Oct-13 14:38:45

I want to pronounce the same was as biopsy (short o, emphasis on bi, no emphasis on pic) but I get the feeling it is 'bio' (like bio washing powder, long o) and then 'pic' (with some emphasis), like a hyphenated word? Is that right?

Building that is how I would do it.

Say it, I mean

FreedomOfTheTess Thu 03-Oct-13 14:43:50

One of my American cousins was here visiting the UK for the first time, this was about six years ago, and she was very excited about seeing London.

The night before her trip to London, she said to me, "I cannot wait to see the Tower of London, I've heard so many great things about it." I responded by telling her it was one of my favourite London landmarks, mentioning how old it is. Cousin then came out with this gem...

"How old is it, I'm assuming its pre-First World War?!"

Seriously.

My response? "Oh yes, of course, but only by 800-and-30-something years, so not by much!"

If I could have had her thrown out the country, I would have done! wink

LeGavrOrf Thu 03-Oct-13 14:44:57

I always say it like myopic. Bloody hell am I wrong!

Mind you I went round for years in my teens saying truculent wrongly.

My fault for appropriating a word used commonly in Jilly Cooper novels which I had never heard in real life.

hellsbells76 Thu 03-Oct-13 14:50:33

MintyDiamonds us girls weren't allowed to play rugby in middle school in case the balls hit us in the chest area and caused breast cancer. Our PE teacher was deadly serious. FFS.

nicename Thu 03-Oct-13 14:53:07

I suppose its marginally better than being told it was because you wouldn't be able to have babies if you played footie/rugby etc (or drove a car).

LadyBigtoes Thu 03-Oct-13 14:53:22

"To Be Decided Later" is a fantastic name for a book about religion! Someone should write it.

Batman is not a superhero? Does that mean he can't do anything fancy but just dresses up?! I'm shocked!

I'm also with Rooners on the tampax. I also could only manage the very smallest and eventually gave them up as too much of a faff.

CheerfulYank Thu 03-Oct-13 14:58:02

These....are....AMAZING. grin

Though, I still don't get what we Americans are doing with our knives that you aren't.

swannylovesu Thu 03-Oct-13 14:59:38

DH "whats that film where Denzel washington plays that black dude"

Me "erm...all of his films" hmm

LeGavrOrf Thu 03-Oct-13 15:00:32

I noticed that my American friends cut things up, and then put their knives down, swap their forks over to their right hands and eat with their fork only.

I don't know if this is a universally american way of eating. But it's got to beat the English way of eating peas, I must say.

CheerfulYank Thu 03-Oct-13 15:02:23

Oh yes LeGav I suppose most of us do that. smile What do you do? Just a bite at time? But then you have to keep your fork in your wrong hand? confused

threestars Thu 03-Oct-13 15:08:57

In my general studies A level I was asked what subject you'd be studying if you attended the Slade. I said you'd be studying to be a prison officer blush. Thanks, Porridge.

In Key West, they make a big deal about the beautiful sunset. I overheard a tourist ask a tour guide how many sunsets they get every day.

ExasperatedSigh Thu 03-Oct-13 15:10:52

LeGavrOrf I used to mispronounce truculent too (troosulent). And for years I thought anxiety was pronounced 'ankshitty' blush The perils of being a precocious reader and working words out for oneself - I had deduced that since anxious came out 'ankshus', then...

ElephantsAndMiasmas Thu 03-Oct-13 15:13:06

Was truly confused by "I assumed Batman could fly and shit."

The latter, but not the former, I believe.

BuffytheFeministFeminist Thu 03-Oct-13 15:13:53

Yank most English people I know keep their forks in their left hands and knives in their right hands all the time. Except when they put them down when chewing and together at the end of their meal. Isn't that what everyone does grin

Not sure about the pronunciation thing here. Googled dictionaries to see what they said, and listened to pronunciation guide they gave me.
Myopic is pronounced with the 'o' sound as in 'off'
Biopic is pronounced with the 'o' sound as in 'off'
(Myopia is pronounced with a long 'o' as in 'oh')

greenhill Thu 03-Oct-13 15:14:17

But surely you eat peas by putting honey on a spoon and scooping them up grin

In primary school the girls were told off for playing rugby against the boys as it would damage our ovaries, and also boys could jump hurdles, but girls were discouraged from doing the high jump as it would make our stomach muscles too tight and make childbirth harder. This was the 1970's shock

Overheard in a large cathedral in London "is this where Adam and Eve are buried?" grin grin grin

ExasperatedSigh Thu 03-Oct-13 15:15:49

I eat with fork in right hand, knife in left (am right handed). All this 'right hand/wrong hand' business is a load of bollocks.

threestars Thu 03-Oct-13 15:15:57

I took some clients to Westminster Abbey. They stopped to look at a depiction of the last supper. One turned to me and said, "wow, so the artist really was THERE at the last supper?" Errrr, no. It took me a while to make sure this was what she'd actually said before I replied, assuring her it had been painted a good few centuries later.

FruOla Thu 03-Oct-13 15:18:26

I've just remembered a corker from an ex-colleague - lovely lady, but always a bit - erm - dipsy.

She and her DP drove past a cinema on a daily basis (I'm going back years now, so think about old-fashioned cinemas). Apparently the conversation went like this one day :

Her : Blimey, that must be a popular film
Him : What do you mean?
Her : Well, it's been publicised for months and months.
Him : <bearing in mind he was driving and wasn't looking at the cinema publicity> What's the film called?
Her : Licensed Bar For Patrons Only confused. I wonder what it's about confused
Him : <snort> grin

I eats me peas with honey
^I've done it all me life"
It makes me peas taste funny
But it keeps em on me knife

italics fail but you get the idea!

nicename Thu 03-Oct-13 15:22:48

At notre dame. Group of tourists. One says 'so when did quasimodo live here?'. Same group at the louvre (mona lisa) 'was that a guy or a chick?'

LeGavrOrf Thu 03-Oct-13 15:34:36

If you're right handed, you keep the knife in your right hand and your fork in the left. Eating peas is a strange affair where you put them on the fork with your knife, and the tines of the fork are facing downwards (so the opposite to what makes sense).

I am as common as muck but if I turned my fork over to scoop my peas like a spoon my gran would go nuts.

LeGavrOrf Thu 03-Oct-13 15:35:04

As a child I mean. So it's indoctrinated.

ExasperatedSigh Thu 03-Oct-13 15:36:38

Or, you could just shovel peas onto the fork held in your strong hand and make life easy for yourself. Seriously, I do not get this knife-swapping thing at all. The fork does the majority of the work in any meal, after all - by what right has the knife earned star place in the strong hand? DOWN WITH KNIVES.

LeGavrOrf Thu 03-Oct-13 15:41:22

Oh I do now exasperated. But I do have to force myself. And I say to my daughter 'stop eating like a navvy' when she shovels it in.

It's all a load of bullshit ismt it. The American way of eating makes more sense than my Downton Abbey habits.

ZombiesAteMyCunnyFunt Thu 03-Oct-13 15:53:52

I'm forever swapping hands when I eat, if it's a meal I need a knife for that is. There's not many meals I cook where you need a knife and fork grin

BalloonSlayer Thu 03-Oct-13 16:07:06

Regarding the reading words in books you never hear anyone say and mispronouncing them in your head:

When I used to read Enid Blyton books and someone called someone else a "fathead" I always thought it was a fath-ed. I could never work out why that was supposed to be insulting.

Distrustinggirlnow Thu 03-Oct-13 16:17:48

Ladybigtoes, that made me laugh out loud grin

My tack room friends will get this. I received an email reply to my advert for a 'Registered Welsh Section A'. ....so is he 14:2 HH...?

I didn't bother replying.....!!

Weeantwee Thu 03-Oct-13 16:27:30

Regarding the fork and knife thing. My Sil insists that she eats left-handed. All she means is that she holds the knife in her left hand and the fork in the right. This is nothing to do with left-handed-ness!!!

I'm left-handed, my mum is left-handed, DH is left-handed, we all use our left hand for the fork and right hand for the knife. I am yet to meet a left-handed person who does otherwise.

CheerfulYank Thu 03-Oct-13 16:28:33

I just stab the peas. <tacky American>

namechangearitus Thu 03-Oct-13 16:45:26

.

RetroHippy Thu 03-Oct-13 16:53:24

Myself to DM whilst following a cake as a young teen:
'It says to add the butter and caster sugar and cream together but it doesn't say anywhere how much cream to add.'

RetroHippy Thu 03-Oct-13 16:54:09

Following a cake recipe

Although if I were to follow anything cake would be a good bet.

Regarding reading books and getting things into your head... I was reading Circle of Friends by Maeve Binchy, and there's a line in it that goes something along the lines of, "He pulled off to the side of the road and two lorries hooted at him." or something. I read it to mean that lorries = asshole, so years later, when arguing with dp, I go, "Stop being such a lorry!"

Cue silence and confused looks. I thought it was a very offensive word, so started apologising... He let me feel bad for a good hour or so...

HappySnail Thu 03-Oct-13 17:12:58

I had a friend who thought Australia was next to Scotland, and wondered if we could get there by minibus.

Same friend also asked what the cows were doing when one was on the other one's back! Her surprised comment: "Oh, don't they do it lying down like we do?" Now there's an interesting thought ...

Pagwatch Thu 03-Oct-13 17:18:31

When the news that Argentina had invaded the Falkland Island I was sitting with a bunch of professional folk with degrees who were horrified by an unprovoked attack on a bunch of Islands just off the coast of Scotland.

ScarerAndFuck Thu 03-Oct-13 17:21:05

I love the idea of you following a cake Retro. grin

cocoleBOO Thu 03-Oct-13 17:34:28

I cut my food up and just use my fork in my right hand, more than once someone has sniffily said," you're not American you know." Took me years to figure out what it meant.

Last week we passed a field of cows, one was having a wee and DD(12) was surprised to see it peeing standing up. She thought they cocked their legs like a dog hmm.

GemmaTheCakeyLady Thu 03-Oct-13 18:32:51

"Are turkeys bigger than chickens?'
Genuine question from a 24yr old!!

My BFF and I use this as a catch-phrase now to signal someone saying/doing something dumb!

CharityFunDay Thu 03-Oct-13 18:39:53

Lunchtime conversation during a temp job many years ago (packing preg test kits, if you must know).

Me and a man and a woman at a table in the restroom.

Bloke takes out a thermos and pours himself a coffee.

Me: <feeling silly> If vacuum flasks prevent the transmission of heat, how come we can feel the heat of the sun, even though space is a vacuum?

Woman ^<in contemptuous tone>^: Space isn't a vacuum.

Me: Of course it is. Why do you think astronauts wear spacesuits?

Woman: To help them float.

LeGavrOrf Thu 03-Oct-13 18:42:50

I was nearly 30 before I realised Andover was not in the Netherlands.

I was on the a303 and looked all surprised at the sign.

In my defence, it sounds Dutch.

Correct pronunciation of biopic is indeed bio (as in non bio) pic as opposed to by oppic which I want it to be.

My grandma would disown me if I didn't keep my knife in my right hand and fork in my left at all times whilst eating. And none of this holding a knife like a pen business which is just plain common.

Gav I guess it is a bit like Eindhoven, especially pronunciation wise... grin

Peetle, I suppose that's where the confusion arises. There aretunnels across rivers (is the Hong Kong one the road that's something like the most congested road in HK?) but they're a couple of kilometres along a river bed. The channel is about 30 miles and probably about 100m deep. The logistics of an immersion tunnel would be interesting though they were saying on the radio a while ago that they're constructing one in Denmark or somewhere which will be 11 miles but is going to take another ten years they reckon.

AnaisHendricks Thu 03-Oct-13 18:59:36

XBF whinging after a lovely summer BBQ birthday party:

"My parents are so bloody inconsiderate (a familiar theme) never to have thought of doing this sort of thing on my birthday"

Erm, possibly because you were born at the end of November?

Ericaequites Thu 03-Oct-13 19:39:29

One of my folks' employees thought babies were born without earlobes and fingernails, and those would grow in later until his first child was born. He had a university degree.

cocoleBOO Thu 03-Oct-13 20:15:40

DH thought that babies didn't open their eyes until they were 6 weeks old. He even said this after we had children confused.

buildingmycorestrength Thu 03-Oct-13 20:32:22

cocoleBOO isn't that kittens or something? shock

Dh told me, in all seriousness, that there are two tubes down the penis - one for urine and the other for semen. I told his mum she should ask for a refund on his education. grin

cocoleBOO Thu 03-Oct-13 20:48:53

Yes blush.

He still thinks it.

Rooners Thu 03-Oct-13 21:00:18

<waits for someone to tell SDTG that there are in fact two tubes>

<goes to google>

Chesntoots Thu 03-Oct-13 21:07:43

Reading about the Welsh section A reminded me of the time I advertised my gorgeous flea-bitten gray... I didn't bother replying to some of those either.

DaleyBump Thu 03-Oct-13 21:08:34

SDTG, here's a wee link. There are two tubes wink

AnaisHendricks Thu 03-Oct-13 21:10:05

Yes, two tubes, and thank God there are <shudders>

Stepawayfromthezebras Thu 03-Oct-13 21:16:45

stinkingbishop my lovely Aunty once asked me if me and my twin sis are psychotic smile

JellyMould Thu 03-Oct-13 21:17:31

um that diagram shows one tube.

Friend looking at the property section in the local paper:

"Where's sought after?"

Me: Eh? IN what context?

Friend: "There are loads of houses round there for sale, is it local?"

DaleyBump Thu 03-Oct-13 21:20:15

No, there are two. One from balls, one from bladder.

bundaberg Thu 03-Oct-13 21:22:07

there are 2 which join together into one, fairly high up.

so there are not 2 tubes which run down the penis

bundaberg Thu 03-Oct-13 21:23:01

well, technically there are 3.

one from the bladder, one from the testes and one from the seminal vesicle (that's why men who have had the snip still ejaculate)

bundaberg Thu 03-Oct-13 21:23:54

there's something slightly wrong about spending a thursday night debating how many tubes run down a penis on the internet grin

DaleyBump Thu 03-Oct-13 21:28:43

I deliberately didn't go into the third one bunda grin

ZingWantsCake Thu 03-Oct-13 21:30:30

there's one tube inside the penis - which is why men can't pee and ejaculate at the same time!

but the tube separates into two, one connects to bladder, other to testes/prostrate.

at least that is what I was taught.

Rooners Thu 03-Oct-13 21:32:04

[GRIPPED] at this

ZingWantsCake Thu 03-Oct-13 21:32:27

bunda

yes, you are right, I forgot about that! blush

DaleyBump Thu 03-Oct-13 21:35:13

It's kind of like how you can't breathe and swallow at the same time. When you swallow, a wee flap of skin called the epiglottis (sp?) shuts so that you don't get food or drink in your lungs. There are still two tubes there - your windpipe and your gullet smile

DaleyBump Thu 03-Oct-13 21:35:43

I say flap of skin, it's not really skin. Not sure how else to describe it :p

bundaberg Thu 03-Oct-13 21:37:40

so when your drink goes down "the wrong way" does that mean your flap didn't do its job properly?

DaleyBump Thu 03-Oct-13 21:42:34

Pretty much, yeah smile

Vintagecakeisstillnice Thu 03-Oct-13 21:43:41

It's cartilage isn't it?

Well this thread has taken an odd turn grin

xaphania Thu 03-Oct-13 21:51:07

Nope, definitely only one tube down the actual penis.

To clarify, he thought that there were two tubes opening onto the head of the penis. We checked his, and there is definitely only one. The plumbing all joins up further up, and a single tube comes down the penis to the outside world.

Playing trivial pursuit, MIL's question was "what is the capital of Kenya?" Apparently it's Venezuela.

AmberLeaf Thu 03-Oct-13 22:23:59

I was nearly 30 before I realised Andover was not in the Netherlands

I used to think Billericay was in Ireland blush it does sound Irish though IMO.

NumptyMum Thu 03-Oct-13 22:47:10

Just got as far as this gem from willyoulistentome:

"Balding men should not shave their heads, as the hair will know it's not wanted and stop growing completely"

and thought BLOODY FANTASTIC, does that mean I can stop shaving my legs?...

mirry2 Thu 03-Oct-13 22:54:38

Do you mean house flies hatch out from maggots? I never knew that.

nicename Thu 03-Oct-13 22:58:46

Lesmahago should be in Wales.

AnaisHendricks Thu 03-Oct-13 23:27:34

I knew that about maggots but they are so much bigger than flies. How can this be?

It's sort of the same as caterpillars metamorphosing into butterflies. It takes a lot of energy to transform, so the juvenile form eats a lot and is often larger than the adult.

AnaisHendricks Fri 04-Oct-13 01:13:59

Oh that makes sense. Butterflies have a larger area than caterpillars but are much lighter.

I suppose it's difficult to understand because most people watch babies grow, rather than change entirely. It's counter-intuitive in the same way that the mechanics of breast-feeding is.

The more milk the baby takes, the more is produced? I had never encountered this concept before having my second child. Wish my bank account worked the same way!

My lovely friend, who seems to process things she hears in a different way to the rest of us:

"KFC breed boneless chickens now, so they don't have to pay people to remove the bones later."

"Planes can't turn."

"I always get Hannukkah and Holocaust confused. It's not my fault, I'm not Jewish!"

Dread to think of her wishing a poor Jewish person a happy Holocaust.

Another friend meeting DS just after he was born:

Friend: "Why can't he walk?"
Me: confused
Friend: "Why wouldn't you let him walk? I thought if you dropped babies on the floor when they're born they're supposed to know how to walk."
Me: That's water, and swimming...

Same friend 10 minutes later gestures around the lounge, "well of course all this will have to go soon, you can't baby proof everything in here."

I'll just throw all of our furniture away then and spend my evenings in an empty room like all the other parents.

And my Dsis when she was younger...

When she found out Jeremy Beadle had died: "Pneumonia... isn't that when you wet yourself and you don't change your knickers?"

"I'd say that's about three thirds right, but one of them is wrong."

grin

BloodiedWellies Fri 04-Oct-13 07:25:32

Amber and others... I was in my mid 30s before I realised that Liverpool was not a suburb of London.

(In my defense, I am not from here, and never took much notice of British things until I fell in love with an Englishman!)

AmberLeaf Fri 04-Oct-13 08:20:47

grin I was once waiting to board a train bound for London Liverpool street. I very nearly got on the one to lime street Liverpool

amber I actually did that, with my boss. It was a long and slightly awkward journey... blush

HairyPoppins Fri 04-Oct-13 08:39:51

My sister thinks that Scotland is south of Manchester, and will not be persuaded otherwise. By anyone or anything.

KittiesInsane Fri 04-Oct-13 08:42:02

Amber and Bishop, beware the pitfalls of changing trains in Cambridge then: King's Cross one way, King's Lynn the other not that I have ever had to explain that one to a ticket collector, ooh no

KittiesInsane Fri 04-Oct-13 08:44:32

A horrified and very audible wail from a certain nameless friend Alison, on a school trip to Romeo and Juliet:

'No! Don't do it! She's not dead!'

The cast had some difficulty carrying on after that.

AmberLeaf Fri 04-Oct-13 09:07:51

It put me in the habit of asking other passengers 'This is the London train isn't it?^ grin

guanosoup Fri 04-Oct-13 09:47:48

In London, I was asked by an American woman for directions to Piccadilly Circus.
I pointed her in the right direction, and then she asked me what sort of anmals thry had, and did they have clowns?
Poor love was quite disapointed to learn its a glorified traffic island.

GlitzPig Fri 04-Oct-13 09:50:07

I thought Ciao was pronounced 'cee-ay-oh' for years. Years and years. Until I started to study Italian blush

In my defence, I'd first seen it written down as the title of a Sweet Valley High book, so was very young, and it had just stuck with me...

nicename Fri 04-Oct-13 10:45:16

There's all sorts at picadilly circus!

nicename Fri 04-Oct-13 10:47:59

Here's one from me. I was hopping off a train and chappy on platform is hesitating so asks 'where's this one going?'. I saoid 'Chigwell'. 'No,' he says, 'its Chingford'

I may have got the two muddled up, but I definately told him the made-up place in East London from Birds of a Feather with an actual place in East London (I may as well have said Atlantis).

KhunZhoop Fri 04-Oct-13 10:51:28

"I didn't know they had mountains in Spain!" said by a friend as we were flying over the Pyrenees on our way to Torremolinos.

nicename Fri 04-Oct-13 11:02:54

My sister was complimented on speaking good english in the states when she said that she was from scotland. This was the same trip when someone said 'oh you live on Birmingham? We have a Birmingham too. Was yours named after ours then?' Ditto Cairo. It didn't go down well when she was in the office and asked for a rubber.

NB I am sure some brits say just as dumb things to americans when they visit!

"My sister thinks that Scotland is south of Manchester, and will not be persuaded otherwise. By anyone or anything." Not even by an actual map, HairyPotter?? That is real dedication on her part!!

"A horrified and very audible wail from a certain nameless friend Alison, on a school trip to Romeo and Juliet:

'No! Don't do it! She's not dead!'

The cast had some difficulty carrying on after that.

This made me laugh out loud, Kitties - and I have a horrible cold at the moment, so I needed cheering up - thank you!

slug Fri 04-Oct-13 11:53:29

Nicname, I got that one too.

"You're from Noo Zeealand? Gosh, you speak really good English"

Yeah, like a native mate hmm

Earthworms Fri 04-Oct-13 12:16:03

I worked as a waitress in a posh hotel in the UK that catered for a lot of US visitors doing the grand tour.

A room full of people eating using only one hand, with the other arm down by their side did look very much like a strange contagious paralysis had afflicted the room.

whilewildeisonmine Fri 04-Oct-13 12:45:22

DB, ex boyfriend and me discussing celebrities we didn't know we're gay- DB shocked to find out Freddie Mercury was (he leads a very sheltered life...)

DM who had been sat there quietly reading enters the conversation at this point -
'Freddie Mercury? Yes he even DIED of gayness'

iridium Fri 04-Oct-13 13:45:22

I lived in the US for a year. How did I never notice this one handed eating business?

BalloonSlayer Fri 04-Oct-13 13:59:44

nicename neither Chigwell nor Chingford are "made up". grin

NotCitrus Fri 04-Oct-13 14:05:40

Er nicename Chigwell does exist! It's a few miles from Chingford, on the Central line.

Rhinosaurus Fri 04-Oct-13 14:10:00

My mum:
"When I was expecting your brother, it was when they were giving thalidomide for morning sickness. He's lucky I didn't need it else he'd be running around with no arms and no legs now" confused

LeGavrOrf Fri 04-Oct-13 14:35:38

Haha Chigwell does exist. My aunt lives there. grin

nicename Fri 04-Oct-13 14:39:27

So they both exist? Real places? Oops there go my Pearly Credentials. I only lived in the east end for about ten years...

chrome100 Fri 04-Oct-13 14:57:57

Some of these are hilarious.

Although until recently I thought Tina Turner was a man in drag

nicename Fri 04-Oct-13 15:22:15

Thank you Chrome. I feel somewhat better now.

Trills Fri 04-Oct-13 15:34:14

The perils of being a precocious reader and working words out for oneself

Yes. This.

PipkinsPal Fri 04-Oct-13 16:13:22

Nicename being from Wales even I know there is a Chigwell and Chingford but would like to point out it's Chigley that is a made up name as in Trumpton and Camberwick Green (not to be confused with Camberwell) grin

tablefor4 Fri 04-Oct-13 16:44:09

<ahem> to revert to the original premise of this thread

Discovered yesterday that my very sane, very lovely friend's husband queued for 2 days (and nights) for .... wait for it ......

a nursery school place.

Yes, admissions started at 9am Monday, he queued from Saturday morning. Since he was not alone (there were other crazy parents shock) the nursery stayed opened and they all slept there too. Beyond bonkers. A nursery school. shock

Mind you, I also discovered that if I want to enrol at the local swimming pool for lessons, the queue starts at 4am when they open the year's bookings .... Properly bonkers.

paperclipsarebetterthanstaples Fri 04-Oct-13 16:49:28

'women who scream in childbirth should be ashamed, how embarrassing'

From my lovely, childfree so far, friend

Blatherskite Fri 04-Oct-13 16:57:59

I queued from about 7am to get DS into swimming lessons blush With a 4/5 month old baby (DS) in my arms blush blush

To be fair, he is now a brilliant swimmer (I only wanted him not to almost drown like I did when young) and a parent at school was complaining to me just last week that lessons at that pool (the only one close by) are impossible to get into and he'd been trying for 3 terms now to get her a place!! If you start with the baby class you get first dibs when it comes time to moving up and getting siblings in so it was worth it in the end.

JesusInTheCabbageVan Fri 04-Oct-13 17:02:27

aNutAboveTheBreast Loving your friends, especially the "drop baby on the floor" one.

"Happy Holocaust" though - good god shock

MissStrawberry Fri 04-Oct-13 17:10:49

With a username like that, JesusInTheCabbageVan, should you have put good God?wink.

nicename Fri 04-Oct-13 18:08:28

Now Camberwell I know (only because I went to art school there!). Please tell me Lima, Peru (where Paddington is from) is real!

JesusInTheCabbageVan, yours is one of my most favourite MN nicknames smile

(psst, nicename - Lima is real, but Paddington Bear isn't wink)

MissStrawberry Fri 04-Oct-13 18:27:24

shockshock

Paddington isn't real????

sadsadsadsadshock

MrsRajeshKoothrappali Fri 04-Oct-13 18:31:53

Paddington's real.

I've seen him on the telly.

wink

nicename Fri 04-Oct-13 18:36:13

Of course he's real. They even have a statue of him in the station.

AnaisHendricks Fri 04-Oct-13 18:48:19

Happy Holocaust shock

Although autocorrect often suggests it in place of the word "holiday"

MissStrawberry Fri 04-Oct-13 18:59:24

He must be real. We have a video of him, a bag and a purse, several Bears, curtains, had a plate and cups, stickarounds, a jumper. You can't make all that stuff out of someone who doesn't exist!

AnaisHendricks Fri 04-Oct-13 19:02:43

Don't worry, MissStrawberry, he is absolutely real. I know this because he was on my childhood wallpaper.

nicename Fri 04-Oct-13 19:03:57

You had PB wallpaper. I'm really jealous!

quietbatperson Fri 04-Oct-13 19:04:10

tbf to AmberLeaf when I check the departures board at Norwich for the Liverpool Street train I always have to double check that it's not the Liverpool Lime Street train which is usually only a couple of rows below on the departures list. At silly o'clock in the morning it is an easy mistake to make.

DH and I were complimented on our English by an American tourist in Salzburg. This was after she'd asked us where we were from (England). I'm not sure how she didn't spot the accent to be honest.

AmberLeaf Fri 04-Oct-13 19:08:15

Yes it was Norwich! I was looking at the destination on the front/end of the train though, I think it was abbreviated so that's my excuse blush

quietbatperson Fri 04-Oct-13 19:11:38

I thought it might be Norwich grin The easy way to tell is that the Greater Anglian trains going to London are shitter than the Lime Street trains, which are only 3 carriages long but a little bit nicer and are operated by East Midlands (I think).

rednellie Fri 04-Oct-13 20:21:12

I can't get over the pronunciation of biopic. I'm sure I've never heard anyone say it bio pic and not rhymed it with myopic. But I've googled, about 50 times and all it's come back with is little computer voices going bio pic.

My world view is shattered. And normally it's DH who mispronounces things...

JADS Fri 04-Oct-13 20:21:45

I have a collegue who is lovely, but a bit daft. I was telling her that I was moving to Cardiff from London. She looked aghast and said that's miles away, how long will the flight take? I said I would drive there and it would take 3 hours. She looked surprised - turned out she thought Cardiff was in Scotland!

oldsilver Fri 04-Oct-13 21:45:38

Another Trivial Pursuit one overheard ... How deep is a water polo pool? "Well it can't be that deep, otherwise the horses would drown." And she was serious.

And in Poundland - heard far too many times over the years "How much is this?"

AnaisHendricks Fri 04-Oct-13 22:18:29

I am always getting Swindon and Swansea confused blush

AnaisHendricks Fri 04-Oct-13 22:20:48

oldsilver you must have come across DH and BIL. They used to adore going into Poundland and asking the prices of everything!

DH does a similar thing at ToysRUs when the checkout person asks if he needs batteries.

when I lived down south I used to be the same about Southport & Stockport, Anais

(They couldn't be more different!)

AndHarry Fri 04-Oct-13 22:42:25

My DH was, until a couple of months ago, under the impression that women wee and give birth through the same orifice. We have been married for a few years and he's watched me give birth to his two children hmm

A lovely friend asked me once what the lovely fruit was in trifle. It turned out that she meant the jelly-saturated sponge grin

Blackberrybakewell Fri 04-Oct-13 22:56:56

This thread is hilarious!

Husband's friend thought the sun and the moon were the same thing.

Someone else me had a heated debate with a colleague about taste buds. They I thought different areas of the tongue tasted different flavours (sweet, salty etc.) Turns out that's a load of old codswallop resulting from a misinterpreted document 100 years ago. Had to swallow my pride on that one!

steppemum Fri 04-Oct-13 23:03:57

blackberry - you have the excuse that it was taught in school for years!

Anais, the clue is in the name - Swansea is by the sea. (no beaches here in swindon)

and the name swindon comes from swine on a hill ( I will leave it to your over active stereotype of swindon imaginations to make a link between pigs, hills and our lovely city!)

I thought that County Durham was in Northern Ireland until my mid-twenties. It has some logic as the other counties in England aren't called "county X" but the ones in Northern Ireland are.

FeckOffCup Fri 04-Oct-13 23:30:49

It isn't true about different areas of the tongue having different taste buds? I always thought tgat was true too, I remember having a "How the body works" book as a child that had it in it.

FeckOffCup Fri 04-Oct-13 23:34:23
Blackberrybakewell Fri 04-Oct-13 23:35:39

en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tongue_map

Yes, the tongue map was taught for years in school so it's still a very common misconception (my excuse anyway). But it is essentially total rubbish!

breatheslowly just this very week I learned that County Durham is not in Ireland shock

My excuse is that I'm Canadian

-- conveniently ignoring the fact that I have lived here for over ten years--

AnaisHendricks Fri 04-Oct-13 23:41:22

I always thought it was bollocks.

Umami proving my point.

theluckiest Fri 04-Oct-13 23:42:54

Ok here's mine....

Staying in California with my lovely friend....we stayed at her family home that came with its own housekeeper. Who was a bit nuts. And had a bit of a drink problem. I met her on our last day, my friend spoke to her for ages then introduced me...' Oh this is my friend Luckiest, she's from England.' Odd housekeeper lady fixed me with a steely (drunken?) stare and said 'Oh honey, I'm so sorry. I've been jabbering on for ages and you haven't understood a word!!'. Erm, no. Am english. From England. Y'know....

DHs uncle told him to buy sun cream when he arrived in another country as they have a 'different kind of sun'.

I honestly used to think that Yves St Laurent was pronounced Yives Saint Lorent. Classy me.

BeCool Fri 04-Oct-13 23:47:01

My sister picks me up from the airport on a return trip home from Uk to NZ.

I'm dazzled by the light - if's different down there, more intense, brighter. I comment on it to my sister.

"Light!" she says. "Light! It's the sun BeCool, the sun, the same sun as in UK!" she laughs.

I love her madly but it is so weird she doesn't get the difference between light and sunshine.

ScrambledSmegs Fri 04-Oct-13 23:49:43

About 'biopic'. I think it's a compound word, from Biographical Picture (ie film). So you pronounce each part as they would be in the original words.

I used to think epitome was pronounced eppy-tome though so I'm not entirely trustworthy.

ScrambledSmegs Fri 04-Oct-13 23:49:58

About 'biopic'. I think it's a compound word, from Biographical Picture (ie film). So you pronounce each part as they would be in the original words.

I used to think epitome was pronounced eppy-tome though so I'm not entirely trustworthy.

ScrambledSmegs Fri 04-Oct-13 23:51:03

Bugger. It wasn't exciting enough for a duplicate post blush

<sigh>

PedantMarina Fri 04-Oct-13 23:54:08

Not sure if this is a cheat, because she never was a friend. During the time of a major upheaval in government, she said "well, [a.n. event] is definitely going to happen [btw, it never did]. Because Nostradamus said so"

I just looked at her and all I could think was "I can't fucking believe you can vote and I can't" (was a guest in the country at the time).

AnaisHendricks Fri 04-Oct-13 23:56:10

I remember being horribly embarrassed aged about five for thinking that the Justice League of America was pronounced "Lea-gue" blush

WiddleAndPuke Sat 05-Oct-13 00:11:43

I only learned how to pronounce the word "paradigm" properly about a month ago. I'd always heard it in my head as "para-dij-um".

Luckily I've never said it aloud due to not having a clue what it means. My ignorance has some uses grin

I'm loving this thread. Those poor boneless chickens, flopping about the place unable to peck sad

I had a bloke come to look at my flat when I sold it who remarked on the contents of my bookshelf - "Oh I see you like Stephen King. I'm not keen on him. I find his books a bit American for my taste".

Yes well an American writer writing stories about Americans, set in America will tend to have a slightly American feel hmm

AnaisHendricks Sat 05-Oct-13 00:16:55

grin about King being too American.

Didactylos Sat 05-Oct-13 00:20:19

dear friend, bless her, debating whether it was worth going out and buying chocolate late at night

'So... how late does the 24 hr garage stay open?'

foreverchanging Sat 05-Oct-13 00:29:09

A work colleague talking about dry white wine:

"Why do they call it dry wine? It's not dry is it? It's runny. If I spilt this, it would all be wet! How can runny drink be dry?"

Yes, she was being serious.

CharityFunDay Sat 05-Oct-13 00:44:22

Blackberrybakewell

Husband's friend thought the sun and the moon were the same thing.

Yes!

I went to university with a girl who thought the same thing. When we questioned her about it, it came out that she thought the sky just got dark at night because that was the way it worked.

Same girl also soaked her contact lenses in Dettol and was off for a semester with corneal burns.

PedantMarina Sat 05-Oct-13 00:50:52

OK got another:

Friends were discussing the making of Knight's Tale, how some of the lances in the film production were made from spaghetti. Conversation flows and move on until, about two topics later, one of the friends said "Oh! you mean uncooked spaghetti!"

Yes, dear readers, that person was me.

TeamSouthfields Sat 05-Oct-13 00:59:00

How much is it in Poundland... True story smile smile

TeamSouthfields Sat 05-Oct-13 01:04:53

family were talking about old sayings, someone said 'a black mans pinch'

Sil said, oh iv never had one of those, I don't have much to do with black people shock shock

god knows what she thought one was

TotallyBursar Sat 05-Oct-13 01:07:44

DH had somehow become convinced that the Yorkshire Ripper was in fact 'Jack The' after he moved out of London. He called bs on a documentary we were watching because 'He's been in prison for years, it was all over the news' 'What? Who has?' 'The Ripper. He's in prison' '...Jack the Ripper is in prison?' 'Yeah, got caught on a traffic stop.' 'Do you mean the Yorkshire Ripper?' 'Yes, the Ripper' 'Nothing about this Northern dress strikes you as a bit...old fashioned? Yorkshire looking maybe a bit Londony? Whitechapel?' 'Don't be silly it was after he moved obviously and it was the 70's everyone wore hats' <--- confused

Don't be silly being my personal high point of the whole thing - he was so convinced he thought I was trying to convince him up was down.
My uncle thought owls didn't poo 'because they just sick everything up', I enjoyed that dinner grin

DaleyBump Sat 05-Oct-13 03:17:48

My sister (aged 16) was out shopping me and my mum when we spotted a book about oragami. There were a few versions of the book, things like "safari oragami", "Christmas oragami" and "underwater oragami". My sister was incredibly perplexed at the underwater oragami book but after an initial "that's a bit weird" comment she let it drop. About two hours later, she just couldn't hold it in any longer and said "see that underwater oragami book? How would that even work? All the paper would fall apart!" She'd been having visions of trying to do oragami in the bath and just couldn't work it out grin

Queazy Sat 05-Oct-13 06:18:26

This is a hilarious thread smile A friend was trying to resolve an issue at work where they had run out of paper. She suggested they photocopy a piece to make loads more!!!! Not sure if she honestly thought there was a little paper making machine in the photocopier...

FruOla Sat 05-Oct-13 07:59:54

That is absolutely brilliant, Queazy grin grin

Riddo Sat 05-Oct-13 09:03:19

I thought Rio Ferdinand was a football team. blush

NotCitrus Sat 05-Oct-13 09:12:24

My mum would never let me play my music on her CD player even when she was out. Because computer-things get viruses from CDs and you never know what those heavy metal bands will have.

Yes, she really was worried about getting STDs from Motley Crue, Led Zeppelin etc via their music...

Though it only dawned on me yesterday from this thread that my childhood neighbour didn't actually know Paddington Bear when she grew up. She did come from Peru, somewhere darker than Lima...

Dillytante Sat 05-Oct-13 09:49:03

Feeling very poorly with a chest infection & this thread has really cheered me up smile

Chants73 Sat 05-Oct-13 09:49:21

My mum, talking about school lunches and nut allergies said that children could go into prophylactic shock.....

Well, I'm only on page 7 and so far have learned that maggots are baby flies (didn't know that) and that the Channel Tunnel isn't on the bed of the Channel (!!! Does that mean it is floating?? I'm going to have to google or is that one a wind up??)

KenAdams Sat 05-Oct-13 10:17:14

I thought it was just me who had got on the Kings Lynn train instead of the Kings X one. Glad to know I'm not alone!

I am delighted to learn that the Channel Tunnel does in fact go under the ocean bed, for a few minutes I had visions of something suspended.
Not that I would EVER countenance going through such a dangerous place with all that water above you.

I did learn this week that trifle is called trifle because of its three layers, jelly, custard and cream. I had never realised. I learned this in Numeracy-the lesson plan was about triangles. The young teacher with whom I work laughed.

Trixybelle Sat 05-Oct-13 10:56:56

My cousin called his mum complaining he couldn't find tepid water in the supermarket for a recipe.
MIL asked how many euros we wanted for our trip to Australia. Then asked if they had roads in Sydney.

BeCool Sat 05-Oct-13 11:03:57

On a train in SE, my friend (from equatorial country but now a Brit) asked what the cute little white animals in the fields were.

"What the lambs? They are lambs" I told him quizzical look on my face.

"Holy fuck they can't be - I'm never eating lamb again".

How did he get to be 32 and not know what lamb was (outside of a restaurant)? grin

soaccidentprone Sat 05-Oct-13 11:27:43

Ds1's girlfriend asked last night where is Devon where the white cliffs of Devon are.

Talking to her, turns out she didn't know that Devon and Cornwall are counties, she thought they were counties not cities. She also thought they were the white cliffs of Devon, not Dover!

She also asked if Nottingham is in Nottinghamshire.

She is 18! I am honestly not making this up!

I ended up getting out a map of Great Britain and pointing out where all the counties, and major towns and cities are.

Mind you, a bloke at work thought that Scunthorpe was a seaside place. He meant scarboroughblush

soaccidentprone Sat 05-Oct-13 11:32:25

That doesn't make senseblush

She thought Devon and Cornwall were towns.

ScarerAndFuck Sat 05-Oct-13 11:46:49

The holocaust one has reminded me of something I said once.

I was reading "Forgotten Voices of the Holocaust", which I had bought with vouchers given at Christmas. My birthday is in January and DH was wondering aloud what to get me for my birthday since it was so soon after Christmas.

I was distracted by the book, very involved in some very moving memories, and I meant to say he could renew my season ticket to a local attraction I enjoyed visiting. Unfortunately what I said was "You could always renew my season ticket to Auschwitz if you like, it's always nice there."

He was a bit hmm at me.

ElephantsAndMiasmas Sat 05-Oct-13 12:35:56

Blueandwhitelover - I don't think that's why a trifle is called that. Trifle meant something piffling or unimportant first, and the food was named after that. Not sure why people consider delicious pudding unimportant, but a similar thing happened with flummery. Might be wrong though.

anyway, what about the fruit & sponge? 5 ingredients - a pentle or a quintle then grin

Wannabestepfordwife Sat 05-Oct-13 13:47:00

My dgm has us in hysterics with some of things she comes out with a few favourites from her last visit

About a man threatening to jump off a building "why don't they throw a lasso around him"

About catching diphtheria "my sister brought a cat home and it sneezed at the table and I caught diphtheria"

"I still have my milk teeth you know" she has false teeth

"Oh look a the cat wanna's dd" dp then points out its a fox

marriedinwhiteisbackz Sat 05-Oct-13 13:56:22

A friend of my mothers. "Did you see you new mink; could you tell it was ranch"? This was in the 60s btw.

out2lunch Sat 05-Oct-13 14:05:20

rio Ferdinand grin just told dd that one - blank expression - oh I thought you meant franz Ferdinand grin

Wahla Sat 05-Oct-13 14:28:22

I used to work in the west end, not far from Leicester Sq. tube and we would often have people coming in to ask directions. One day a women came in and asked where the tube was, so I told her and she asked
Her: How long will it take to walk there?
Me: Not long, it's 2mins down the road.
Her: No. I'm a very slow walker.
Me: Ok? confused
Her: So how long then?
Me: 5mins?
Her: No.
Me: 7mins?
Her: No.
Me: It's really not very far.
Her: I'm waiting for a hip replacement.
Me: 15 minutes!
Her: hmm I thought so, do you think I should get the bus.
Me: Probably best.

ZingWantsCake Sat 05-Oct-13 14:33:45

Wahla
grin grin grin grin

that is fantastic!

youarewinning Sat 05-Oct-13 14:45:38

Friend who was convinced X's mum was wrong and awful for believing X didn't play a joke on her DD1, despite the fact she totally believed her DD2 wasn't involved although X said she was.

Even when faced with evidence her DD2 was aware of the prank, or at least present as she knew where the hidden object (pair of knickers!) were.

10 minutes and eventually I managed to successfully change the subject.

Mindyou she's generally like this - my DD's would never do something like that - even when an adult has witnessed it. She is not doing them any favours grin

MissStrawberry Sat 05-Oct-13 15:10:57

Blackberrybakewell - surely you are right? My eldest is 12 so it isn't that long ago if he was the one I was weaning (my others are 10 and 8) when I read about different parts of the tongue react to different types of food. I used to try and put certain foods in certain parts of his mouth! grin.

Blatherskite Sat 05-Oct-13 15:46:08

I was once asked how to get bleach stains out of a car seat.

OH later left me for the silly cow and I often wonder what states they've got themselves into since. He was so clueless that when filling out his mortgage details for his new house post-split, I noticed that he'd managed to name my old doctor from when we were at university about 3 years before as his GP grin

SPBisResisting Sat 05-Oct-13 15:48:42

I was on a thread a few weeks ago where I learned nectar is actually food. You can buy it in Tesco. It isn't just some mythical thing. Apparently...

nicename Sat 05-Oct-13 15:57:19

Ambrosia cream rice. Yum. Not sure about manna (so?) though.

steppemum Sat 05-Oct-13 17:18:35

nectar is the syrupy substance found in flowers that bees drink and make honey from.

BalloonSlayer Sat 05-Oct-13 17:21:09

Nectar has never been just some mythical thing - it's what flowers produce and bees eat from flowers so that the flowers can dump their pollen on the bees' fur(?) and the bees then pollinate the next flower they visit. The bees then use it to make honey.

I am not sure they sell it in Tesco though. They may sell a product called Nectar.

Sainsbury's have a card called Nectar but it does not attract bees IME.

BalloonSlayer Sat 05-Oct-13 17:22:00

x posted steppemum grin

quietbatperson Sat 05-Oct-13 19:40:18

My mum and her cousin today were convinced that you can catch a cold from the flu vaccine. No, you can catch a cold from all of the other people queueing up at the surgery from their flu jab, but the jab itself cannot give you a cold.

My mum also took some convincing that you can't catch shingles from someone with chickenpox.

Thurlow Sat 05-Oct-13 19:41:59

I thought you could catch shingles from someone with chickenpox blush

nicename Sat 05-Oct-13 20:05:32

I thought you could end up with shingles if you'd had CP then came into contace with someone with CP later on. Either way, shingles hurts like hell.

Doobiedoobedoobie Sat 05-Oct-13 20:08:39

SPB I was on that thread too and loved your bemusement! You're thinking of agave nectar btw smile

I remember a hideous conversation when I was about 20 with an ex of mine when I was trying to appear all worldly and political but pronounced Mao (as in Chairman), Mayo blush

In my defence I'd absorbed 'Wild Swans' numerous times, just never heard the name outright!

steppemum Sat 05-Oct-13 20:17:56

I think the shingles/chicken pox thing is that the virus remains dormant in your nervous system and at any point (often when stressed) it could flare up into shingles. I don't think you need to be re-exposed, or that re-exposure increases the chance of shingles.

I have a friend who has been a christian for years and went off to study theology, where he discovered that the 3 days between good friday and the resurrection does not mean that it happened on Easter Monday. (That is why the sunday is called easter day...)

Thurlow Sat 05-Oct-13 20:19:37

I had shingles when I was 9. Medical marvel of that surgery. I had three doctors come and stare at me because they weren't sure it could be shingles. I was obviously a very stressed 9 year old...

RandomMess Sat 05-Oct-13 20:30:19

If you have shingles and still at the infectious stage someone else can catch chicken pox from you but it doesn't work the other way around.

quietbatperson Sat 05-Oct-13 20:38:59

If you caught shingles from people with chickenpox, nursery/pre-school workers/childminders would forever be unwell with shingles. My Mum had shingles when she was 10. Her younger brother was very unwelll at the time and she was being ignored by her parents, she was a very stressed 10 year old sad

steppemum Sat 05-Oct-13 21:23:52

should point out that it isn't only stress that can trigger it!

because it is a secondary thing, which you get after haveing had chicken pox, usually years ago, it is unusual in kids!

redexpat Sat 05-Oct-13 22:01:10

I had the whole group of gap year volunteers telling screaming at me that Bloody Mary was Mary Queen of Scots. No people. She really wasn't. You can shout as loud as you like, you'll still be wrong. The fact that I'd just done 2 solid years of A level history - 16th century England and Europe meant nothing apparently. This group included people from some of the best private schools in the country.

And it took me a long time to realise that Jesus wasn't born on Christmas Day.

Girls in my class at school: You can't die from appendicitis hmm

My lovely gay friend got trhough a biology degree without realising that women have 3 holes. He's currently training to be a Dr!

Spookfish Sat 05-Oct-13 22:07:46

A really close friend didn't understand the BC and the AD. She was sure that man started with Jesus...

Minky66 Sat 05-Oct-13 22:24:22

A promiscuous friend of mine insisting that he did not need to use condoms for his many sexual liasons as there was no way he would contract HIV as all the girls he went with were local!

BalloonSlayer Sat 05-Oct-13 22:31:27

steppemum I can understand the Easter confusion: three days is a modern easy version of what it says in the Bible which is "on the third day." The first day being Good Friday, etc.

steppemum Sat 05-Oct-13 22:34:37

balloon - well I could understand it in principle, except he had been a regular church goer for years, just wonder what he thought they were all celebrating on the sunday, and why there wasn't a celebration on the monday

AnaisHendricks Sat 05-Oct-13 22:37:40

grin at Nectar cards not attracting bees and the season ticket to Autschwitz. This thread is cheering me up.

bunchoffives Sat 05-Oct-13 22:40:35

redexpat you can die from appendicitis if your appendix rupture which can lead to septicaemia.

.... but yes Bloody Mary was Mary Tudor who burnt many protestants as her father had.

And re above - you used to be able to travel within the EU without a passport about 20 years ago.

And a chicken is a chicken for its first year, after which it is a hen.

ZingWantsCake Sat 05-Oct-13 23:06:15

bunch

redexpat knows that appendicitis can be fatal - hence the use of confused in her post!

if you read the title then her sentence it's very obvious that she replied to the question, not stated her opinion!

hthsmile

UterusUterusGhali Sat 05-Oct-13 23:17:32

Zing, muscle is very different to flesh and meat.

All ExH;
"Is a potato a vegetable?" He is a ^chef^, people! He didn't know a raisin was a grape or a prune was a plumb.

"When do babies open their eyes?"

"What were female cavemen called?"

hmm

CharityFunDay Sat 05-Oct-13 23:50:04

My father: "Chinese people come from a different species of monkey"

ZingWantsCake Sat 05-Oct-13 23:57:15

uterus

sorry, you are wrong, the meat is the muscle/s.

which is why game have tougher meat - they run around so their muscles are stronger.

cats play (or used to playgrin ) with mice or birds before killing them because the adrenaline caused by fear gets released into the muscles which changes the muscle texture slightly and makes it nicer or easier to digest - apparently.
this could of course be an outdated view and I can not present you with evidence - one of my biology teachers told us this ages ago (she read it in a science magazine)

LemonMousse Sat 05-Oct-13 23:59:39

My friend wondered 'How did they keep the water back while they built the Channel tunnel?'

AnaisHendricks Sun 06-Oct-13 00:06:52

That would be me. Why was it easier to meet in the middle by the way?

Other than the fact that if I were in charge the other end of the tunnel would have ended up in Belgium.

Anais because it takes half as long to build it that way? I'm doubting myself though. Nasty head cold.

DP (wistfully) when I was expecting DS (our first):

"Our boy's going to have beautiful blue eyes, just like us."

Lovely, except NEITHER of us has blue eyes.

Also while pregnant:

DP: If you ever leave me I'll have to replace you with a fat woman.
Me: shock
DP: (panicking) Because of your tits!

He doesn't think bless him.

My dad's done the Poundland thing as well. Asked me to have a look when I'm in town to see how much paint rollers were. I stared at him for ages before he clicked.

AnaisHendricks Sun 06-Oct-13 01:47:05

lol at your examples.

Penny has dropped r.e the tunnel. Quicker. Of course. Hope your cold gets better soon smile

Thank you, me too! smile

GoldenGytha Sun 06-Oct-13 15:26:05

A friend on attending a car boot sale with me for the first time,

"What do people do with all these car boots, Golden?"

Same friend, when I told her I would look on Amazon for something for her, "Where is the Amazon shop? I've never seen it"

Also, she had a lump (well not really a lump, more an irritation in her armpit) Dr sent her to Breast Clinic, just to be absolutely certain, the Dr there asked if anyone in her family had ever had any kind of breast problems or cancer, friend replied "Yes, my sister was in hospital last year with a chest infection"

Libertine73 Sun 06-Oct-13 15:37:21

I gave one of the mum's from school a lift home the other day, she stated that of everyone in Africa just stopped bloody shagging there would be enough food!? I didn't even argue, you can't argue with pain stupid.

AntsMarching Sun 06-Oct-13 16:46:41

Libertine - I know it's a typo but I love pain stupid. So stupid it hurts smile

heather1 Sun 06-Oct-13 16:54:06

My Dh, we were playing mini golf at the time "is that a real or a fake peacock?" It was a genuine questin.
He has many gems like that. He's bright with a mentally taxing job but a little lacking in commen sense

WMittens Sun 06-Oct-13 17:31:58

My Dad (who was actually a very intelligent, grammar school boy) once asked my Mum in surprise 'So, was Jesus a Jew, then?'

Erm, Jesus was a Jew.

Stravy Sun 06-Oct-13 17:35:29

We saw an albino peacock once. DH told the dcs that 'the white ones are the female peacocks' hmm

Trills Sun 06-Oct-13 17:48:09

WMittens - yes, that's the point. He shouldn't have been confused or surprised by this information

WMittens Sun 06-Oct-13 17:53:09

Trills, gotcha, I understand it now I've re-read it.

Quodlibet Sun 06-Oct-13 18:17:31

My very intelligent friend thought that Google invented (and therefore owned) the Internet.

ChocDee Sun 06-Oct-13 20:58:11

American living in Europe discussing the terrible weather we had in the spring. "Yes, Africa is the only place in Europe that is having any sun at the moment".

Ok then...

bundaberg Mon 07-Oct-13 09:26:07

"And a chicken is a chicken for its first year, after which it is a hen."

really? i thought that hen and cock were simply the terms for female/male chickens?

"My father: "Chinese people come from a different species of monkey"

I am in NO way an expert on this, but there were different "species" of homo sapiens (?) evolved/descended in different ways in diff parts of the world presumably from a different ape-like beginnings?

Amrapaali Mon 07-Oct-13 09:28:14

Brilliant thread! I'm going to nominate it for Classics....

mignonette Mon 07-Oct-13 09:30:38

I still insist that chickens fly properly. Like blackbirds. I cannot get my head round a non flying chicken.

My other classic is misremembering Shakespearean quotes.

"A goat by any other name" is the one my DH will never let me forget. He has told me that if I do not post this, he will join MN and post it for me.

bundaberg Mon 07-Oct-13 09:31:50

sorry, not differnet species of homo sapiens, but various other homo-somethings around the world who evolved differently at different times.

Amrapaali Mon 07-Oct-13 09:35:42

A goat!! Bwa-haha!!

"A goat by any other name will smell as vile"....

mignonette Mon 07-Oct-13 09:47:47

Amra

I know grin. I will never live it down. It will be on my gravestone.

Tilly333 Mon 07-Oct-13 09:48:39

Dad (a bit of a softy) was on holiday in India and noticed at midday the cows from the local fields would come into the centre of the village to shelter from the heat, under the trees. One day he decided to give them a treat so gave the housekeeper some money to buy some hay the next day so he could feed them. The housekeeper dutifully did so.

The next day when the cows appeared Dad held the hay and started calling 'come on cows ..... come get something to eat'
The housekeeper was really surprised when the cows came trotting over to be fed and dad was asked 'do cows speak English too?'

Bless

stubbornstains Mon 07-Oct-13 10:34:13

To be fair, if you're travelling overland in continental Europe you don't normally have to show your passport when crossing borders.

stubbornstains Mon 07-Oct-13 10:39:05

I should have said the continental European union there. There's always a right hoo-ha when the train stops at the Swiss border.....

AnaisHendricks Mon 07-Oct-13 11:01:52

When I was watching the Olympic diving I asked, in all seriousness, how the cameraman following the divers was able to beat them into the water. DH had to explain that the camera was on a rail.

Amrapaali Mon 07-Oct-13 11:10:31

Yay! In Classics now- Thanks, HQ!

SuseB Mon 07-Oct-13 11:29:11

Was once discussing a method for making quick pizzas for the children using pitta breads as the base, spread with tomato sauce and various toppings with my MIL and SIL. MIL looked at me aghast. 'I would never do that,' she said. 'It would be a waste of pitta bread.' SIL and I very confused. She then elaborated. 'When the bakers have gone to all the trouble of making pitta bread pockets, it's a waste not to use them.' SIL and I completely lost for words.

GhostsInSnow Mon 07-Oct-13 11:39:26

A person who shall remain nameless *cough cough* was VERY happy over the weekend to receive a rather expensive Charlie Bear Panda from her DH as a birthday present. She noted in the shop the bears name was 'monium'. About three hours later, back at home and having a cuppa I suddenly SHE suddenly realised why it was called 'Monium'. blush

DS was an early reader, phonetics were a bit of a stretch for him at 3 so you can imagine my extreme embarrassment when he pointed to the Fuchsia in the packed garden centre and shouted "ooooh Mum that Fuck Sia is lovely!"

buildingmycorestrength Mon 07-Oct-13 11:44:36

Juice Some people on this thread won't understand about 'Monium' at all, and don't know what a Charlie Bear Panda is. Could you enlighten them?

buildingmycorestrength Mon 07-Oct-13 11:46:29

lightbulb goes on blush.

GhostsInSnow Mon 07-Oct-13 12:01:31

I am SO glad it wasn't just me because my DD was laughing at me all afternoon.
"Its a Panda called Monium" she said, "how did you NOT get it?!"

blush

daughterofafarmer Mon 07-Oct-13 13:27:30

Classics.....shock {pats self on back and puffs out chest}

Over the weekend, DD picked an acorn whist on a walk and said look... 'Mummy, an acorn'
ME: Yes darling it's from an acorn tree...
DD: hmm 'No Mummy, an oak tree'

Que DH pissing himself laughing. DD is 2...!!! blush

Clearly I did know that but I'm blaming my pregnancy brain on that one.

steppemum Mon 07-Oct-13 14:20:42

I have just been sitting here going

panda...monium - no don't get it

charlie bear panda - monium - no, still can't see it

just got it blush

This one will probably only mean something to fellow Canadians out there... Colleague of mine from New Zealand had seen a "Canadian A to Z story book" and was confused by the entry for Z - a Zmboolox? Zimbubble? Zamfafaloo? something to do with ice?

A Zamboni machine, of course. She literally did not believe me that such things exist and I had to google it to show her pictures and The Zamboni Song

It never occurred to me that zambonis are somewhat specialised equipment - they seem so normal to me!

I also recall another colleague not believing me that a platypus was a real animal. We were about 30 at the time. She had honestly never, ever heard of them.

LilRedWG Mon 07-Oct-13 14:38:13

"So, is English your first language in England? "

American Colleague: "Z" (pronounced zed), "where the heck do you get that from?"

Me: "Err, the ENGLISH language"

mignonette Mon 07-Oct-13 15:01:03

DH has reminded me of another one of mine-

We (DH, myself and both children) are standing in the queue during Christmas shopping. DH says to me "Did you know if you say' Father Christmas' three times really fast it sounds like 'gullible'?"

Me - "Gullible, Gullible, Gullible" Then looking confused go on to repeat "Gullible, gullible, gullible" a little faster.

Cue the entire queue breaking into laughter whilst I stand there bleating "It doesn't sound anything like gullible".

Twelve years later, I am reminded of this little gem on a monthly basis.

Babieseverywhere Mon 07-Oct-13 16:47:08

A young very naive lady, I worked with many years ago told me the following about her brother and his wife....both white.

YNL - You do know if you have sex with a black guy it changes things in there forever.

Me - Really.

YNL - Yes, my brothers wife had an affair with a black man and the baby she had with him was a black baby. But when she [the brother's wife] had another baby three years later with my brother, that baby was black too.

Me - This one was definitely your brothers baby ?

YNL - Oh yeah, I reckon all her babies will be black from now on.

I literally slack jawed, to hear about powerful sperm hanging around for three years plus ! I did briefly consider explaining some basic genetic facts and the likelihood of her brother parenting the second child but decided against it, as it wasn't any of my business.

shrinkingnora Mon 07-Oct-13 18:27:57

A conversation with the guy on the next farmers market stall to me on Saturday.

Him: I need to buy some avocados, keep an eye on my stall while I go over there. <points to a stall further down that he knows perfectly well sells food grown on a small farm about three miles away>

Me: I don't think they'll have any as they sell local veg.

Him: yeah, I know but they're bound to have them.

Me: xxx, where do avocados come from? Clue, it's not the west country.

Him: oh...are they not from this country then?

I promise you he is an intelligent man.

FreeWee Mon 07-Oct-13 20:08:17

Is Dorset in Devon? Said by DH when he'd just been on holiday to Devon and then a stag do in Dorset...

Happydays12345 Mon 07-Oct-13 20:51:32

I don't get the panda thing, can someone please explain it to me. It's driving me mad trying to work it out.

steppemum Mon 07-Oct-13 21:11:19

pandamonium

viperslast Mon 07-Oct-13 21:12:45

grin that took so long! Think moan not mon!

Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme Mon 07-Oct-13 21:13:38

Pandemonium. Panda-monium.

Took me a minute to be honest. grin

My DMil once told me that the wrap I was making for dds tea wasn't a proper tea. It was a flour tortilla with cheese and tomato. She said I should do her some cheese and tomato on toast, that would be better. hmm

Happydays12345 Mon 07-Oct-13 21:52:23

Thank you I get it now finally. blush

QOD Mon 07-Oct-13 22:03:30

I literally worked out last week about tampax. They always leak, stupid things. I always use regular as I've not given birth etc, just had an epiphany in the nigh t about it .... So glad I'm not alone

LilRedWG Mon 07-Oct-13 22:44:54

Is Paris the capital of London?

FruOla Tue 08-Oct-13 08:40:30

I have a highly educated and very well-traveled friend who once pompously announced that Paris is further north than London.

He was surprised to be confronted by a group of faces looking at him like this

grin shock grin shock grin

GhostsInSnow Tue 08-Oct-13 10:29:23

I can't tell you how pleased I am that some of you didn't get Panda Monium either. I shall show my mocking DD this thread with a smile grin

I have told these stories before on mumsnet, but they bear repeating.

We were in a teashop, near Sweetheart Abbey in Scotland, having lunch. Ds1, aged about 13, perused the menu carefully, and then, when the waitress came over, asked her, "What's in the beef sandwich, please?" He wasn't best pleased when she looked like this >confused and his loving family all fell around laughing, before saying, almost in unison, "Beef, you numpty!!" What he actually wanted to know was whether there was mustard or horseradish or salad in the sandwich.

To this day, a daft question asked by a member of the EvilWolef family, is known as a 'Beef Sandwich' question.

He managed another, aged about 15, when we arrived at a holiday cottage and he was helping to unpack the car. He came in carrying my pillow (I am a sensitive flower, and need to take my own pillow with me on holiday), and asked, "Where shall I put this, mum?" "In the bedroom, perhaps, love??!!"

grin Sdt

I was quite young (maybe about 7) and my mum had taken me out for a very posh restaurant for my birthday. I was very nervous, and desperately wanted to seem "grown up" so when the waiter asked me if I wanted a "super salad", I didn't question what I thought was an odd question, and just said, "Yes please!"

Cue the server laughing, along with my family. "No, no, no. Soup or salad."

blush

KittieCat Tue 08-Oct-13 20:35:17

I've just finished reading this thread and have chuckled my way through!

Very glad it has been elevated to Classics.

Good old MN.

Peetle Wed 09-Oct-13 10:51:14

My grandmother was a big fan of Hinge and Bracket (1970s/80s TV show featuring two retired lady opera singers). One Christmas she was staying with us and whispered to my mother in horror "someone said they were men !". Of course the whole point of Hinge and Bracket was that they were a genteel drag act.

A colleague was working in Paris for a while some years ago. She was attempting to buy a "carnet" of metro tickets and got into a heated argument with the chap in the ticket office who wouldn't sell her one. Her French wasn't good but she persisted with it and was loudly asking for, not "un carnet" but "un canard". Which means "a duck".