I think my neighbours have stolen my towel

(132 Posts)
DaleyBump Sat 14-Sep-13 21:05:19

Things have been going missing from our washing line for a while. I think. There are gaps on the washing line sometimes when I go to bring my washing in but I can never remember what I've hung up so I just assume that I've just left a gap by accident.

DP has just gone to bring in our washing which consisted of a whole load of baby clothes and one towel. That's all. It was DP's favourite towel, a great big brown affair (sad, I know). It was definitely hung up but has now mysteriously disappeared from the line.

The line is shared by 4 flats (us included). I'm pretty sure it was one of our neighbours as it's an enclosed garden with no access from outside and a security door, but how the hell do I go about getting it back?!

deepfriedsage Sat 14-Sep-13 21:07:26

Hang out a towel with itching powder, you will soon find out who has been tleafing.

ProphetOfDoom Sat 14-Sep-13 21:10:52

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PelvicFloorClenchReminder Sat 14-Sep-13 21:11:02

Do you have a photograph of the towel? If you do, you could post up 'Missing' posters on every telegraph pole and tree in the neighbourhood.

Are you sure it hasn't blown off in the wind?

DaleyBump Sat 14-Sep-13 21:12:42

Missing posters sounds like a good idea grin thing is, the only photo I have of it is of DP flashing. Think that'll matter?

Well I've not gone out to check but DP says it's definitely not there.

PelvicFloorClenchReminder Sat 14-Sep-13 21:12:42

I hope you manage to get it back before it gets broken up into flannels sad

ProphetOfDoom Sat 14-Sep-13 21:12:59

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DaleyBump Sat 14-Sep-13 21:13:20

Oh no sad you think they'll start sending bits of it back for a ransom? I don't think DP could take that sad

ProphetOfDoom Sat 14-Sep-13 21:14:04

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FruOla Sat 14-Sep-13 21:18:11

I shared a house for a while with a friend whose cats used to nick all sorts of stuff from neighbours. Socks, sponges, tea-towels etc. We were very embarrassed and never knew where they came from.

DaleyBump Sat 14-Sep-13 21:25:34

None of our neighbours have pets. The landlord doesn't let us (but we do have a sneaky hamster and two snakes). I may just post the picture of flashing DP through all their letter boxes and wait for a response grin

PelvicFloorClenchReminder Sat 14-Sep-13 21:30:32

You could always photoshop a squirrel over his bits and threaten to remove it next time if the towel is not returned within the week.

MyBoysAreFab Sat 14-Sep-13 21:33:25

Our dog once stole a pair of our neighbour's skimpy pants off the line (at least that's what DH said)

DaleyBump Sat 14-Sep-13 21:36:17

DP went to the neighbours that we speak to and asked them if they'd picked it up by accident. One showed him all the towels he owned and the other one tried to get him to come to Tai Chi classes. Dear god.

MsVestibule Sat 14-Sep-13 21:39:13

I'm a bit concerned that none of you are taking this seriously enough angry. The poor OP's DH, losing, nay, having his favourite towel stolen, and all you can do is mock. I've used the same towel for 30 years and I would be gutted if it went missing and then buy a beautiful new fluffy white bath sheet to replace it.


DaleyBump Sat 14-Sep-13 21:42:50

TBF he is kind of gutted. His last favourite towel ripped right up the arse because he pulled it too tight around him and sat down. He was so unamused when I couldn't hold in my laughter. He doesn't have much luck with towels.

Thatballwasin Sat 14-Sep-13 21:45:24

FruOla, was the cat called Slinky Malinki?

DaleyBump Sat 14-Sep-13 21:50:16

I could choke him. After going to the neighbours to enquire about the mystery of the missing towel, I sent him out the back with a torch to check again. It was there. Why didn't I just go look myself? Should I LTB?

PelvicFloorClenchReminder Sat 14-Sep-13 21:53:51

Yes. And then post the flashing pictures anyway grin

pudseypie Sat 14-Sep-13 21:53:53

One of my neighbours cats is stealing clothes from the washing lines from a block of flats that back onto his garden. I suggested he sneak back in the middle of the night to replace them until he pointed out that he might get caught replacing them and then people would assume he's some sort of pervy thief. So he's left with a pile of odd clothes he can't return. Maybe you need a washing line amnesty box?

DaleyBump Sat 14-Sep-13 21:57:02

My aunt once got her neighbour's porn collection delivered and she opened it without reading the name on the front because she was living alone at the time. She was then stuck with her neighbour's porn collection and obviously, since she'd opened it, she couldn't just go and hand it to him. I have no idea what she did with it.

Mintyy Sat 14-Sep-13 21:57:07

Wait ... you washed a big old brown towel in with a load of baby clothes shock?

DaleyBump Sat 14-Sep-13 21:59:43

No grin

There is a pile of washing consisting only of towels that needs to be hung up but we didn't have enough clothes pegs to hand up both sets so decided to go for damp towels instead of damp baby clothes, but I hung up his favourite towel along with the baby clothes so it would be dry for the morning. If that makes sense.

And even if I had, what's the big deal? hmm

MagzFarqharson Sat 14-Sep-13 22:01:34

Wow pudsey your neighbour's cat steals clothes off washing lines, you have a full conversation about it and he logically works out that he can't take them back. That cat's got talent, get him on the telly.

I think you must now realize that your dh has engineered this as he wanted you to pass around pictures of him flashing his squirrel.

MsVestibule Sat 14-Sep-13 22:04:04

Mintyy why wouldn't you wash baby clothes with a big old brown towel confused? Am I missing a vital piece of washing etiquette?

PenguinBear Sat 14-Sep-13 22:07:08

Maybe it wasn't there and after your dp went round to ask, they put it back out!!!

DizzyPurple Sat 14-Sep-13 22:08:22

My dh has favourite towels. He would feel your DP's pain!

DaleyBump Sat 14-Sep-13 22:11:42

Aha Penguin! I think you may be right! grin

MagzFarqharson Sat 14-Sep-13 22:12:12

MsVes it's a sex towel. See SchmaltzingMatilda

DaleyBump Sat 14-Sep-13 22:16:41

What is a sex towel? Where can I buy one?

MsVestibule Sat 14-Sep-13 22:17:23

A sex towel. God, I've led a sheltered life. So, Daley, is it a sex towel? If so, care to explain what one is?

DaleyBump Sat 14-Sep-13 22:18:07

I have no idea what a sex towel is MsVestibule!

MsVestibule Sat 14-Sep-13 22:18:45

Cross posts. Will watch with interest while more woman-of-the-worldish MNers explain it to us.

pudseypie Sat 14-Sep-13 22:21:25

Magz my neighbour is quite elderly and was very worried about it. Nearly offered to sneak the washing back myself but don't want to get caught either.

K8Middleton Sat 14-Sep-13 22:23:34

A brown towel? A brown towel? Eugh. They are an abomination. I expect some kind neighbour has probably staged an intervention but skipped the bit where they have the confrontation. Sensible. You can't reason with someone who thinks brown is an acceptable colour for a towel.

RoseFlowerFairy Sat 14-Sep-13 22:23:35

The towel would dry bollocks and an arse, and it was mixed up with baby clothes, ewwww! Please tell me they were not washed at 40 degrees OP.

DaleyBump Sat 14-Sep-13 22:25:16

Are you serious?! Washing clothes to make them clean doesn't matter because of what they've touched?! Balls to that!

An intervention may be needed to part DP from this towel, it really is horrendous.

MagzFarqharson Sat 14-Sep-13 22:25:18

oh sorry pudsey, I read it as your neighbour's cat being gifted!

In that case I'd just take it round and explain. Would they not see the funny side?

ZingWantsCake Sat 14-Sep-13 22:26:28

give my heartfelt condolences to your husband at this difficult and upsetting time.

I'm here to hand hold.

is there going to be a memorial service to remember Great Brown Big Affair ?(such a beautiful name sad)

DaleyBump Sat 14-Sep-13 22:26:43

Also, no, they weren't washed at 40 degrees. My machine is older than me and doesn't have a temperature setting - it automatically washes most things at 60 (depending on the option you pick). This has become an incredibly boring conversation about my washing machine.

DaleyBump Sat 14-Sep-13 22:27:33

We got it back Zing but I think he was starting to notify his family.

DameDeepRedBetty Sat 14-Sep-13 22:29:07

The Spermy Sex Towel was the Big Giggle when I first started hanging out here.

It's the towel kept handy by/under/in a drawer close to the bed for mopping up purposes when a couple are not using condoms for contraception.

DaleyBump Sat 14-Sep-13 22:30:55

Oh GOD. That's bogging. Baby wipes surely work better?!

ZingWantsCake Sat 14-Sep-13 22:31:28

oh how wonderful! (I should have read thread all the way, but DD started eating a felt tip pen so had to go...)

DaleyBump Sat 14-Sep-13 22:32:18

As long as it was a blue one. Those taste the best.

ZingWantsCake Sat 14-Sep-13 22:33:57

near enough, dark purple! thick crayola one, she bit off the entire tip....

anyway, how's towel feeling? in shock?

you should wrap it up in a blanket and give it a nice brew! grin

K8Middleton Sat 14-Sep-13 22:34:19

Abstinence. Abstinence works better for avoiding sticky sheets.

Sex towel?!

<clutches pearls necklace>

MsVestibule Sat 14-Sep-13 22:36:07

Thanks, Dame. That makes sense. I wonder how often one washes them? I suppose it just dries and flakes off so the dried sperm flakes would be vacuumed up in the usual way.

And Daley, how can a conversation about a washing machine ever become boring shock?

DaleyBump Sat 14-Sep-13 22:37:27

It's sitting comfortably on the heater after being left out in the cold for so long. Understandably shaken but is recovering. Thank you for the concern.

On a side note, I used to sook glitter gel pens when I was in primary school because they made my mouth sparkly grin

DaleyBump Sat 14-Sep-13 22:39:08

Point taken MsVestibule grin

MagzFarqharson Sat 14-Sep-13 22:43:01

Oooo MsVes sperm flakes? yum

DameDeepRedBetty Sat 14-Sep-13 22:44:12

MrsVestibule one washes them as often is necessary I imagine <prim face while struggling to control herself>

Baby wipes just tend to spread it about I find, something a bit more absorbent is the way ahead.

DaleyBump Sat 14-Sep-13 22:44:53

DP did have a jizz rag before we got together. <heave>

DaleyBump Sat 14-Sep-13 22:45:31

Might just be us but we don't seem to make that much mess! We've never required a towel before...!

MagzFarqharson Sat 14-Sep-13 22:46:16

jizz rag? what's wrong with socks anymore?

DaleyBump Sat 14-Sep-13 22:47:29

A spider once fell out of a sock he had been using, squished to death by DP's cock. He's never used one since. He literally fucked a spider to death.

MagzFarqharson Sat 14-Sep-13 22:49:46

Ewww, spider abuse.

Plus, if you're not making a mess, he's not coming which means he's clearly getting his fulfillment elsewhere.

Sorry, but LTB

DameDeepRedBetty Sat 14-Sep-13 22:50:19

grin Daley.

DP is beginning to wonder why I'm having difficulty staying on the sofa due to laughing too much. Not sure I can find words to explain this one.

MsVestibule Sat 14-Sep-13 22:51:28

shock shock shock

The things you read about on MN.

Poor Spid, we knew him well.
Life always dealt him the hard sell.
Couldn't cope, so off he hid.
Only to have death by jizz.

MsVestibule Sat 14-Sep-13 22:55:00

Ah, but what a way to go, Tribble!

So, Daley, at what point in your relationship did your DH tell you about his jizz rag? Did it only strengthen your feelings towards him?

MajesticWhine Sat 14-Sep-13 22:57:07

Very informative thread. As for the use of sex towels, what's wrong with a bit of loo roll?

DaleyBump Sat 14-Sep-13 22:58:40

Tribble gringringrin

I found it MsVestibule grin I was 14 when we got together and I found it under his computer table. [heave again]

Can't help you there Dame, sorry! grin

DaleyBump Sat 14-Sep-13 22:59:25

Also, Magz, he is coming. I can assure you. Currently pregnant with his spawn grin

NishiNoUsagi Sat 14-Sep-13 23:06:59

Oh god, of all the threads to read while I was brushing my teeth..
"Literally fucked a spider to death" made me snort toothpaste out through my nose whilst simultaneously sucking it into my lungs and choke-laughing like a seal.

As if that wasn't bad enough, for my first lesson on Monday morning I have to teach adverbs, including "literally". I will try to be professional, but as I give an example of the use of "literally", no doubt literally all I will see will be the face of the poor spider as it is vigorously and thoughtlessly shagged out of existence. When my students ask why I am curled up in a ball on the floor gibbering and laughing, I will blame you, Daley's DH..


MagzFarqharson Sat 14-Sep-13 23:09:23

Aw congrats Dales.

Only from personal experience - no come, no t much mess, but then I always prefer a lot of mess grin

Sex towels are the best

NishiNoUsagi Sat 14-Sep-13 23:10:22

Although I quite like it as measure of horniness..

"not really bothered."

"would quite like some."

"am quite randy."

"would literally fuck a spider to death."

DaleyBump Sat 14-Sep-13 23:10:47

Oh god <snort> DP asked me what I was laughing at and obviously I couldn't just say "remember that time you fucked a spider to death?" because he would know he's being talked about and I was sworn to secrecy grin

DaleyBump Sat 14-Sep-13 23:11:50

Cheers Magz! Sometimes I wish he wouldn't come, means I have to spend ages cleaning myself up <grumble grumble> wink

SelectAUserName Sat 14-Sep-13 23:16:15

Towel theft, stealth hamsters, crispy sex towels and spider snuff porn. Truly, this is the thread that just keeps on giving.

DaleyBump Sat 14-Sep-13 23:17:45

You missed the bit about the scintillating conversation about my washing machine.

MagzFarqharson Sat 14-Sep-13 23:18:33

Loving you being sworn to secrecy! Well it's only the worldwideweb.

Oh another spider reference. Where's me Tena's?

(Still secretly waiting for flashing squirrel pic)

SelectAUserName Sat 14-Sep-13 23:19:02

What makes you think the omission* was accidental? grin

*As opposed to the emission, hem hem...

DaleyBump Sat 14-Sep-13 23:22:23

I'll work on the squirrel pic, bear with me grin

I see what you did there Select wink

Fucking spiders to death is a common theme on MN
(was it buppers who twitted one to death?)

Twitted = twAtted obv.

DameDeepRedBetty Sat 14-Sep-13 23:28:48

Norks I think it might have been HoneyDragon. HoneySomething I'm pretty certain. <wanders off to play in Advanced Search>

DameDeepRedBetty Sat 14-Sep-13 23:29:24

Oh and it was twatted, not twitted. That bit I could never forget.

DameDeepRedBetty Sat 14-Sep-13 23:29:46

xposted grin

DaleyBump Sat 14-Sep-13 23:30:51

How do you twat a spider to death?! My sister once farted one to death after it ended up in the arse of her tights.

MsVestibule Sat 14-Sep-13 23:30:56

NishiNoUsagi I think I might print and laminate that list with tick boxes next to each stage. So when DH next puts a request in, I can hand it to him with a felt pen and ask him to rate his 'measure of horniness' before I decide whether to oblige or not.

<tries to think of a joke about 'bear with me' but fails miserably. It's just too late>

DameDeepRedBetty Sat 14-Sep-13 23:32:32

Yup, I was right! <preens at amazing memory for truly sad things, wishes it was better for important stuff like paying in cheques and MIL's birthday>


DaleyBump Sat 14-Sep-13 23:34:19

Dear. God.

She really did, didn't she? She twatted a spider to death.

SelectAUserName Sat 14-Sep-13 23:35:13

MsVestibule is that a witty reference to the Sex Bear?

DaleyBump Sat 14-Sep-13 23:36:34

You think he has a sex towel?

DameDeepRedBetty Sat 14-Sep-13 23:36:42

That thread will explain all Daley And quite a lot of other things as well.

I'm on it under a previous incarnation... you may play guess the nn if you wish but I will never tell mweh heh heh...

DaleyBump Sat 14-Sep-13 23:38:04

Did you twat a spider to death too Dame? grin

MagzFarqharson Sat 14-Sep-13 23:38:16

Careful with that tick box.. Might be accused of not being able to work for the government on new rape guidelines.

farted one to death I actually love you.

PolkadotsAndMoonbeams Sat 14-Sep-13 23:38:43

Who was it who's knew somebody's parents kept a pair of teddies on the bed and arranged them in <ahem> positions for that night?

I seem to remember she and her DP(?) tied one up and put a blindfold on it.

MsVestibule Sat 14-Sep-13 23:39:26

Er, yes, Select, it is. It definitely is.

Actually, no it isn't sad. It was a pathetic, pedantic response to Daley's post I'll work on the squirrel pic, bear with me when it should have read 'bare with me'. I'll get me coat.

DameDeepRedBetty Sat 14-Sep-13 23:41:44

Polkadots that's a new one on me! Linky?....

No I haven't twatted a spider to death, although I did sit on a snail when nipping out for a quiet late night ciggy a couple of days ago.

DaleyBump Sat 14-Sep-13 23:41:46

Not me Polkadots but I have been known to do it in toy shops blush

Oh bollocks, I knew it was one or the other grin

DaleyBump Sat 14-Sep-13 23:43:27

I once squashed a woodlouse across my face in the middle of the night (I live in the countryside, we get them a lot) and didn't realise until the morning. Nothing in my life had prepared me for that situation.

PolkadotsAndMoonbeams Sat 14-Sep-13 23:43:46

I think it's classics, I'll go and have a look.

PolkadotsAndMoonbeams Sat 14-Sep-13 23:52:35

I can't see it.

It's just one message on one of those threads about strangers' houses or something. I just remember it because it really tickled me when I read it grin

I'll have another look tomorrow if nobody else comes along who remembers it.

DameDeepRedBetty Sat 14-Sep-13 23:57:55

Goodnight everyone. Good luck finding the rude teddies Polka. It's ringing very faint bells now - Advanced Search 'teddy bear' and doggedly plough through?

Try to avoid invertebrates Daley I'm about to have my bedtime ciggie and will be inspecting the garden furniture VERY carefully.

DaleyBump Sat 14-Sep-13 23:59:29

I also once stood on a slug barefoot. Not on purpose. It squished orange.

Night Dame grin

ZingWantsCake Sun 15-Sep-13 00:01:17

daley feel free to link the one about the dog and the curry and all the licking!grin

ZingWantsCake Sun 15-Sep-13 00:01:17

daley feel free to link the one about the dog and the curry and all the licking!grin

ZingWantsCake Sun 15-Sep-13 00:01:17

daley feel free to link the one about the dog and the curry and all the licking!grin

ZingWantsCake Sun 15-Sep-13 00:01:17

daley feel free to link the one about the dog and the curry and all the licking!grin

ZingWantsCake Sun 15-Sep-13 00:01:17

daley feel free to link the one about the dog and the curry and all the licking!grin

ZingWantsCake Sun 15-Sep-13 00:01:17

daley feel free to link the one about the dog and the curry and all the licking!grin

DaleyBump Sun 15-Sep-13 00:02:46

This one Zing? grin you seemed quite insistent grin

MagzFarqharson Sun 15-Sep-13 00:03:51


ZingWantsCake Sun 15-Sep-13 00:03:51


my phone is craizey!

sorry about that!grin

DaleyBump Sun 15-Sep-13 00:04:57

Give it a lick grin

MagzFarqharson Sun 15-Sep-13 00:05:03

OP, have you felt free to link the one about the dog and the curry and all the licking!

Are you ok?

DaleyBump Sun 15-Sep-13 00:05:52

I'll blink once for yes, twice for no wink

ZingWantsCake Sun 15-Sep-13 00:08:22


grin I'm shaking with laughter at your last comment! grin

MagzFarqharson Sun 15-Sep-13 00:20:24

Thanks Zing, makes it all worthwhile! grin

PedantMarina Sun 15-Sep-13 00:24:58

Look, OP, I know that you're slightly mollified by the return of the towel, and sidetracked by the discussions of jizz socks and spiter snuff porn, but I'm afraid you have to face up to some hard facts, sorry to be the one to tell you:

Your [D(hah!)]H is an inveterate gambler.

He lost the towel to some loan sharks (that's what happened to Geoffrey Chaucer in Knight's Tale - it's in a film, so it must be true).

The fact that he was able to convince them that it was his favourite towel, rather than DC's, tells you all than you need to know about his immense acting skills, and that he's probably even now lying to you about how he didn't see it when he was taking the washing in.

Oorrrrr, oooh, just thinking about this now - have you recently had what seemed to be a guilt-ridden text from somebody purporting to be the OW? Why did you ignore that?!?!? Perhaps she stole the towel and then (after your [D(hah!)]H paid her (or the syndicate) off royally (please do check the DC's university trust funds...) the towel was returned.

Seriously, for all sorts of reasons EVERY ONE OF which, LTB! Run! Now! Stopping only to collect your 600 count Egyptian Cotton sheets and whatever naice ham you have in the fridge. Oh, and your DCs, if they can walk themselves - you can't drop the sheets or the ham for them, of course.

DaleyBump Sun 15-Sep-13 00:29:24

Oh god. Pendant, it all makes sense now. Thank you for opening my eyes. Why did I have to ignore that text?! The Egyptian Cotton sheets are currently, crustily, residing down DP's side of the bed so I'll just have to let them go <sob>

My DC is currently squatting in my uterus so that's taken care of. It means I have my hands free for the ham.

I am truly thankful that you have made me see what a bastard my "D"P is. Thank you. flowers

PedantMarina Sun 15-Sep-13 00:53:50

Run! And come to ours (and bring the ham).

We live in South Essex. Text us when you're near.

PedantMarina Sun 15-Sep-13 00:54:51

But we'll leave the door ajar anyway.

MagzFarqharson Sun 15-Sep-13 00:55:46

Pedant she can't run, she's v, v preg. You'll have to go and pick her up.

DaleyBump Sun 15-Sep-13 00:58:11

I think you mean waddle slowly grin

PedantMarina Sun 15-Sep-13 01:03:24

OK, I've had about 1.5 bottled of wine, but here I go. Hope you don't mind me pyjamas.

On the upside, we've got some naice smoked salmon for breakfast tomorrow, and live down the street from a naice bagel shop. Oh, and DP can cook a Full English like nobody--who's a southerner and wants to have functioning arteries--'s business...

PedantMarina Sun 15-Sep-13 01:05:28

Damn, if I can't even get a simple MN strikeout right, maybe I shouldn't be driving pregnant women around...

OP, call me tomorrow! after, like, noon

WafflyVersatile Sun 15-Sep-13 01:07:39

Is it definitely the same towel? It might be your neighbour borrowed it, killed it then performed a switcheroo in the hopes you wouldn't notice?

Also, as there were not enough things to worry about now I have to worry about twat death spiders. sad

PedantMarina Sun 15-Sep-13 11:04:58

Oh, waffly, don't be silly! They never could replace the towel in time: all the towel shops would have been closed.

WafflyVersatile Sun 15-Sep-13 11:14:49

Check the papers for local towel shop break ins.

DaleyBump Sun 15-Sep-13 15:09:07

I got up this morning to find him wearing the Big Brown Affair like a cape. Please send help.

DaleyBump Sun 15-Sep-13 15:10:19

Oh noooo! Classics! DP's spider snuff shame has been immortalised!

ZingWantsCake Sun 15-Sep-13 16:37:57

congrats Daley! thanks

DaleyBump Sun 15-Sep-13 16:46:28

Thanks Zing! grin

ZingWantsCake Sun 15-Sep-13 16:47:50

you are destined for big things!

so young, yet already achieved so much! way to go girl! wink

DaleyBump Sun 15-Sep-13 17:16:38

<wipes tear> I would like to thank my parents, for always believing in me sometimes. My neighbours, for not stealing DP's towel and of course, DP, for introducing us all to spider snuff porn.

WafflyVersatile Sun 15-Sep-13 23:59:48

You're a nobody, hitching a ride on the coat-tails of Mr Bump's spiderdeathwank fame.

<drunkenly makes a swipe for the classics award and falls on face>

am laughing so much at this thread that i have tears! grin

PoirotsMoustache Fri 14-Mar-14 10:44:20

I know this is a zombie thread, but I've only just seen it, and I have literally just laughed out loud at:

'A spider once fell out of a sock he had been using, squished to death by DP's cock. He's never used one since. He literally fucked a spider to death.'

Thank you for brightening my Friday grin

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