I can't believe this has just happened. Please share your embarrassing young child/public situation nightmares.

(151 Posts)
PirateJelly Sat 17-Aug-13 10:55:19

Still cringing at this as I type this blush sorry it's so long.

I suspected I had pulled my neck again last nite while bringing the washing in hmm and woke up this morning in agony and really didn't relish the idea of a whole weekend spent being unable to move my neck sad and an ever increasing annoying child to look after alone. Anyway rang my Doctors and was told to come in for 8.30 as they have a drop in surgery on Saturdays.

Just as we are about to leave DS (just 4) manages to wee all over his favorite spiderman pants and joggers while in the toilet. He then refused to wear any other pants or trousers. I was getting increasingly annoyed and frustrated and just told him to get himself dressed and wear what he wants as were in a rush. So off we go to the surgery with DS wearing only thin shorts (no pants) a chuggington t-shirt two sizes too small and his new school plimsoles. Honestly he looked such a sight that was embarrassing enough but I was in too much
pain to care.

Get to the Doctors, which was as expected extremely busy give my name etc and as soon as we sit down DS announces loudly he now needs a poo. So off we go to the toilet. As we come out DS bellows "I miss that pop mummy, it was my favorite pop ever" to which I mutter " you what?" hmm " yeah it reminded me of Reggie (our dog hmm) did you see it mummy it had eyes" he said sadly. Que him then tugging on my arm while I waited for another seat and repeating 100 times in an irratating, whiney voice "I really do miss that pop mummy" untill finally I snapped "ALRIGHT I GET IT!" to which a waiting room full of people all look up at me.

Finally get a seat and sit DS on my lap, he then proceeds to ask me every question which could ever enter a small boys head, along the lines of why do we get poorly, do mummys have boys and daddies have girls, why is that lady old, why is that boy fat? on and on with me growing more and more irritated and DS's bored at the waiting audience growing more and more interested blush.

Eventually a few more seats become free and DS decides to go sit it a free tub chair about 5 seats away. Picks up a Cbeebies magazine and sits quietly for all of ooh 2 minutes before letting out a very loud sigh and loudly saying "I do like my willy mummy it's much better than flaps isn't it?" a few people start smirking, the elderly lady next to him looks uncomfortable, so I gave him the 'look' and he goes back to looking at his magazine on his lap. I admit I wasnt paying him a lot of attention as it hurt just to turn my head to look at him, so I carried on looking at my phone.

I noticed a slightly gazed look in his eyes but tbh was just glad he was being quiet. All of a sudden he loudly announces "Mummy, my willy's gone all hard" I shushed him and asked quietly did he need a wee? "No mummy, I've been pulling on it and now it's like sword" no exaggeration every pair of eyes in the room was on me and I thought I'm gonna go mad here in a minute. DS sensing my annoyance decided to try and tip me over the edge and started laughing and singing "willy, willy, willy, hard, hard, hard" "smelly mummy, stupid mummy,yes, yes, yes" I thought I'm going to have to take him outside and have a word but felt in a difficult postion as although the cheekiness wouldn't be tolerated I didn't really want to punish him for touching himself but needed to explain it wasn't appropriate in a Doctors waiting room full of people!

Just as I was gathering up my things, finally my name was called, so I sharply told DS to come along and as he jumped down from the chair a small boy sizes semi on could clearly be seen through his shorts. DS thought this was hysterical and as a finally to his shocked audience decided to do a silly walk including hip thrusts out of the room blush shock

By the time we finally made it to the Doctor his shorts area was back to normal but I most certainly was not. I think a combination of the embarrassment, pain and strong pain killers I had taken finally took it's tole and I came over all funny, so much so the Doctors thought I was going to faint! Luckily he took sympathy on me and prescribed me some diazepam, without which I honestly think I would have strangled DS. When we got outside I told him don't EVER behave like that again to which he relied innocently "What mummy?"

Please tell me I'm not the only one with a child like this? And how can I prevent an incident like that ever happening again? (except never leaving the house or having to constantly main line Valium confused

PirateJelly Sat 17-Aug-13 10:58:05

'poo' not pop, stupid phone!

ItsOkayItsJustMyBreath Sat 17-Aug-13 11:04:26

Oh now that is priceless grin

Sorry but compared to that, I have nothing!

Will you be printing this out and placing it somewhere safe to show him when he's older?

MikeOxard Sat 17-Aug-13 11:04:42

OMG, that is fucking hilarious!! I bet everyone in the waiting room enjoyed it and it made them feel better. Once you stop being in pain, you'll appreciate how funny it was I think. Hope you feel better soon. x

RedPencils Sat 17-Aug-13 11:05:22

Poor you <snigger>.

A few years ago we were having an extension built. I was in the middle of bollocking the builder, DS piped up 'mummy's wearing a black bra today'. Completely took the wind out of my sails.

FanjoForTheMammaries Sat 17-Aug-13 11:07:45

Dd can't speak. .she is nearly 7..she likes to grab people instead.

She grabbed a womans boobs as we passed her on stairs and the worst was when she grabbed a dads arse as we stood behind him at nursery..he turned round to see me of course.

She tries to take babies food from their plates and will go and grab people's cutlery in cafes.

I am a shy retiring type too

Thisvehicleisreversing Sat 17-Aug-13 11:08:16

Laughing so hard at that!

You poor thing but your DS sounds brilliant grin

Hope your neck gets better soon. thanks

littlewhitebag Sat 17-Aug-13 11:08:35

I know you are in pain and mortally embarrassed but i can only say that your post made me laugh. That's kids for you. They can be relied on to act like that just at the wrong moment. He would have known your defenses were down and the more squirmy and annoyed you got the more he upped the ante.

You need a cup of tea, some cake and some diazapam. DS needs a quiet moment in front of a DVD. Calm and order will prevail.

newestbridearound Sat 17-Aug-13 11:09:11

Hilarious! On the plus side your son probably cheered up several people feeling very poorly this morning smile

I have nothing that can compete with that gem I'm afraid!

NachoAddict Sat 17-Aug-13 11:10:13

Oh no what a nightmare.

The worst I have had was ds asking on a crowded bus how he got out of my tummy and was it hard work.

Weegiemum Sat 17-Aug-13 11:12:55

Only close thing is my dd1 stripping naked on the bus while I was feeding ds.

Allthequeenshorses Sat 17-Aug-13 11:15:42

Laughing so much at that! My lovely nephew mortified my sister-in-law at his first day of nursery age 3.5. He walker past the teacher who was bending down, slapped her on the bum and said "foxy lady". That was followed by a beautiful smile.

We have absolutely no idea where he got that from. She arrived to collect him and the staff were in stitches recalling the story. She said she almost fainted with embarrassment.

absentmindeddooooodles Sat 17-Aug-13 11:16:07

Ih poor you! I have a ds exactly like this. Hes 2.4 and........just lives to embarrass me! He once used a display potty in the middle of a shop before I could get to him. ( had to buy the massive damn sparkly princessy thing...so embarrassing)

A couple of days ago we went to the shop across the road. He is currently being potty trained so everything is toilet humour. ( joy) . So, we start going around the shop. Him helping me put things in the basket etc and he pipes up....mummy I have a reeeeeeally big willy. So I smile and nod and say thats lovely but lets talk about it at home. Carries on telling everyone we pass how lovely his big willy is and would they like ti see it? Que many mortified younger shoppers edging away.

Managed to gwt him to the till while shushing etc. I let go if his hand to grab the carrier, he runs to the front door where theres a few people coming in, pulls down his shorts and starts trying to do sime kind of windmill impression. H3 is literally a ninja so had to chsse him round three aisles trying to catch him. Shorts at this point are ling gone. He then got so excited that he peed everywhere. Then stood there screamed and shouted. Look mummy you made me loose my wee. Now my willy is not big. Small willy waaaaahhhhhh.

I grabbed my bags while trying to offer to clean up and just got the worst looks feom everyone. Not one of my best days!!!!

MissMarplesBloomers Sat 17-Aug-13 11:16:44

PMSL here......little monkey, bet he loved the attention!! grin

My embarrassing moment was when DD2 (now 16) about 18months old discovered that the poppers on my favourite ie comfortable & very old maternity shirt were nice & easy to pull open if you grasped the shirtails while Mummy had you sitting in the trolley in ASDA....even more fun when Mummy had forgotten to put a t-shirt on underneath & flashed grey bra'd boobage at the whole of the fruit & veg aisle. blush

PirateJelly Sat 17-Aug-13 11:17:00

Thanks for the replies grin I think the Valium has finally kicked in as I'm now smirking like a loon buy feeling weirdly shaky confused

DS has been very sweet since we came home and keeps saying " I do love you mummy, you're sooo pretty" like Jekyl and bloody Hyde that boy hmm

MissMarplesBloomers Sat 17-Aug-13 11:18:29

PS - Hope your neck is better soon with the lovely Valium!!

SPBisResisting Sat 17-Aug-13 11:21:24

PMSL, sorry
If there was anyone in there who has a child under the age of ten they will be reliving their own glorious moments in full technicolour - does that make you feel better?
Hope your neck is better soon

PirateJelly Sat 17-Aug-13 11:21:25

PMSL at "foxy lady" that's just what DS would do! And actually just snorted at absentminded fantastic grin

scotlass Sat 17-Aug-13 11:30:12

Oh dear, poor you. That made me really laugh though grin

I had one of those moments walking round Tesco last night. DS age 4 legs wouldn't walk so was sat in a small trolley with my few bits of shopping. Thinking nothing of it I chucked in some Lilet tampons. For the next few minutes I had him brandishing them at me asking mor and more loudly 'but mummy what are these for?' No way was he satisfied they were for ladies. Could see a few sniggers from passers by. blush

Cheesyslice Sat 17-Aug-13 11:30:25


That is excellent. I am mortified on your behalf.

NationMcKinley Sat 17-Aug-13 11:44:48

This may not be what you want to hear but from the bottom of my heart, thankyou!! I've had a crap week and your little tale has made me feel loads better. Have some flowers and cake to go with the diazepam! Oh, and I have 3 small boys too so I have plenty of tales to add. Here's one in fact: the other day we visited a family friend who's severely disabled, her prognosis is not good sad. She has a gorgeous assistance dog who DS1 (6) adores. We're all sitting and chatting when all of a sudden he pipes up with "x? When you die, can I have y (dog) please?" shock Tact is not his strong point...

PirateJelly Sat 17-Aug-13 12:19:35

scotlass that just reminded of something DS did the other day. I have this small round tin containing 8 tampons and DS kept asking to look in it but I told him it was empty ( it was in the bathroom cabinet, so he couldn't get it) the other day he was in the bathroom with my mum and i heard him instructing her " yes those ones, mummy said I could have them" he then let's out a squeal of pure delight on opening the tampon tin and runs into the bedroom absolutely delighted at his find "ah bullets" he proclaimed " I knew it, I'm having those" and put them in his pocket!

Thank you for sharing your stories it's cheered me up no end. Although him being sweet lasted all of 5 minutes he's now back to his repetitive, annoying self grr.

MummyPig24 Sat 17-Aug-13 12:28:51

I'm sorry, but I did laugh a little bit. My kids have embarrassed me in sooo many ways. It's their purpose in life. I hope your neck feels better soon, but you are not alone!

strokey Sat 17-Aug-13 12:35:38

This isn't really funny at all. My old neighbour came over at Christmas with presents for the children. She was really lovely like that.

Children open the presents and as she was leaving they give her a hug and my then 4 year old says "Mummy says you are fat"

I didn't know what to say so I just said nothing. I cried afterwards and it still makes me sad now. She was enormous, could barely walk, and he mustve overheard me talking to my husband, but never in a nasty way.

I feel so awful, she was so lovely. Id give anything to wipe that out of history.

MyLittleFinger Sat 17-Aug-13 12:37:45

How mortifying I'm cracking up here though, just so funny.

thornrose Sat 17-Aug-13 12:42:01

finally to his shocked audience decided to do a silly walk including hip thrusts out of the room

This has me literally weeping with laughter. I'm not even going to try and compete with that.

I wish I'd been in the shocked audience it would've made my day.

Chopsypie Sat 17-Aug-13 12:42:53

In the supermarket. 3 yr old DS shouts 'mummy, look at that big brown man! Why is he brown?' Very luckily the man laughed and came over and explained he was from a different country and people from there look different. DS then asked if that meant he was an alien. I didn't know weather to laugh or cry!

edam Sat 17-Aug-13 12:43:21

Pirate, sorry you are in pain but you made me guffaw.

Absentminded, you reduced me to tears of laughter! grin

Plenty of embarrassing moments with ds when he was little. Particularly the time a neighbour knocked on the door to tell me ds had done a big poo in the alley behind said neighbour's house. blush (All the kids play out in the street here, btw, before anyone gets all disapproving.)

Re. willies - I've always told ds some things are private and only to be talked about at home. Not sure how successful that was when he was four...

GobbySadcase Sat 17-Aug-13 12:43:40

DS2 on holiday at Trago Mills in Newton Abbott.
Drops his trousers and pusses right in the middle of the playground - looked like one of those cherub fountains.

He was toilet trained but didn't even mention needing to go.

Trouble is he wasn't a toddler - he was nearly 7, and people REALLY aren't at all understanding when they're bigger (he has severe autism)

CrapBag Sat 17-Aug-13 12:45:32

I would have been in stitches in that surgery. grin

And at these others.

DS has come out with some things but nothing like these, same type of stuff though about willys and poo. What is the fascination?! confused

ZingWantsCake Sat 17-Aug-13 12:45:40

marking place with cake

Kormachameleon Sat 17-Aug-13 12:49:18

I'm clearly a miserable bitch but I would find that behaviour completely unacceptable

At 4 my DS would have say quietly and known we don't talk about poo or willies in public. Doing so would be met with a telling off

I appreciate you weren't feeling well and I hope you are feeling much better soon but sitting staring at your phone and not interacting with him wouldn't have helped te situation

Like I said, I fully expect to be told IABU buy jmo

thornrose Sat 17-Aug-13 12:54:30

Oh no, I'm off, every light hearted thread gets serious.

This isn't AIBU, it's chat. It's not asking for opinions, it's sharing cringe stories and having a laugh.

PirateJelly Sat 17-Aug-13 13:03:22

On the subject of dealing with willy discovery. How do others deal with it?

DS didn't seem interested in his and I'd never really seen him playing with it until fairly recently. DP (not DS's dad) came upstairs while I was in the bath a couple of weeks ago looking a bit blush and said "Pirate your gonna have to go have a word with DS, he's sat there watching Harry
Potter with no pants on.......(whispers) wanking" he explained he didn't feel it his place to say anything and he felt very akward about it. I went down and told DS that if he wanted to do that he had to do it in his bedroom and not infront of people as it was private. God this child rearing lark is a minefield confused

PirateJelly Sat 17-Aug-13 13:10:07

korma untill recently my DS was a very well mannered child but since turning 4 has turned into a little boy who is obsessed with pop, wee, willies and bums. I always interface with him but after 20 minutes of questions and me trying to distract him I was just glad of 3 minutes peace while I thought he was enjoying a magazine. He is going through a stage where he delights in winding me up, and trust me if I'd made a scene telling him off it would have been worse, plus the fact I could barely move.

Thank you Thornrose smile

PirateJelly Sat 17-Aug-13 13:15:05

Arggh 'poo' and 'interact' dam phone. Sorry it's changing words on a wimm now angry

noddyholder Sat 17-Aug-13 13:18:15

grin We were in a queue when ds was 4 (19 now!) for a pirate exhibition in a tiny museum on the seafront. We had waited ages and when the doors eventually open ds ran to the front and gestured everyone towards him shouting C'mon ye bastards pirate style! We have no idea where he heard it or how he knew it was appropriate for this exhibition but there were glares and few laughs!

pictish Sat 17-Aug-13 13:24:19

Ha ha!! grin

Was camping a couple of weeks ago, and took ds2 (5) in with me for a shower, while others waited outside for their turn. The shower block was a portacabin type thing so very thin walls, and everything can be heard by all.









NationMcKinley Sat 17-Aug-13 13:26:00

Pirate take no notice whatsoever. You are totally not alone! Like I said, I have 3 delightful hard work little boys and they do delight in anything they perceive as rude (my DN is also the same). IMO the more catsbum you are about it, the worse they get! Fwiw, I love this thread! grin. How's your neck? Have you got one of those microwaveable cushion things? They're brilliant for that sort of thing

SPBisResisting Sat 17-Aug-13 13:29:07

Pirate pretty much what you did
"put it away, no one wants to see your willy"
"hands away from your bottom please"
"DD stop flicking your brother's willy"

and so on...

FondantNancy Sat 17-Aug-13 13:30:21

"I do like my willy mummy it's much better than flaps isn't it?"


HerrenaHarridan Sat 17-Aug-13 13:31:31

Wow! Just wow!

This is an example of when previous generations would of just clouted them round the side of the head and told them to shut up.

Well done! You didn't kill him grin

I hope you feel better soon

PirateJelly Sat 17-Aug-13 13:35:04

Thanks NationMcKlnley I'm just attempting to get someone to watch DS for the afternoon so I can get some rest as he's gone into overdrive sad and is currently trying to attach himself to the washing line whilst wearing the dogs harness and lead hmm so he can create his own zip wire or fly like spiderman. I knew that jam sandwich was a mistake (lazy mother)
Please tell me when do boys calm down abit? I feel like I've got a one child whirlwind at the moment. Gone are the days of nature walks and craft and now it's let's chase each other with swords or climb onto the shed roof or wrestle with mummy/dog/cat/television constantly. Thank god he's starting full time reception in September!

PirateJelly Sat 17-Aug-13 13:38:19

I know Fondantnancy I've honestly no idea where he got 'flaps' from, I'm pretty sure I've never called it that (mind boggles)

IneedAyoniNickname Sat 17-Aug-13 13:39:27

When ds1 was a baby, I was out shopping with my cousin and her dd who was 4. We stopped for a coffee in a cafe mainly frequented by elderly people, and found a table near the back so I could bf ds without them seeing (I wouldn't have cared when I had ds2, but was worried about disapproving looks then). My cousin was ordering drinks, so I settled down and proceeded to feed. Cue her dd commenting very loudly, "ooooh, are you feeding the baby from your booty? why do you feed him from tour booby? My mummy has boobies, she has 2.boobies. she really likes them. Do you like your boobies? Do you? do you?" I was so embarrassed, and of course all the old ladies looked and a couple of them commented on how disgusting I was for feeding in public/allowing my child to talk about body parts in public!

Then when ds2 was a toddler we were walking home, and had builders working on the house a few doors down. ds2 picked up a stick for me, and shouted, "mummy I dot you a Dick. You like Dick don't you mummy." blush

5madthings Sat 17-Aug-13 13:42:23


The innocence of children and their inablility to use tact is funny!

Lol at Pictish

My ds1 did similar to me and once when on the bus a rather large lady got on, que ds1 pointing and saying 'that ladies bum is solo big it take up two whole seats'..

When visiting his great gran in an old people's home, he was very a week chatting to all the residents until he said 'you are very old does that men's you will die soon?'

He also want through a phase of being obsesses by witches and was forever pointing out laidies he thought looked like a witch, that lady has a crooked nose like a witch, that lady has a big mole like a witch etc etc.

edam Sat 17-Aug-13 13:46:40

Pictish grin

You've reminded me... many years ago, ds in the potty-training phase so got lots of praise for doing wees and poos in his potty. I went into a public loo. Looong queues but finally got a cubicle. Ds did a wee, then I had my turn...

ds announces in a BIG loud voice: 'Well DONE, Mummy, that's a lovely big poo!' blush

I heard sniggers... waited... then realised the queue was so long we were going to have to open the door and walk out in front of everyone...

Oh no! My DS is nearly 5 and has turned into a bottoms and willies obsessed horror who doesn't listen to me in public either. They are horrible at that age aren't they!

PirateJelly Sat 17-Aug-13 13:47:38

Just read Pictish's post and actually spat my tea out at " why are your boobs so long" grin and Ineedayoninickname " I got you a dick. You like dick don't you mummy" So funny, glad it not just me who's suffered.

NationMcKinley Sat 17-Aug-13 13:50:08

Here's another one (I have loads, sigh) I used to take pfb DS1 to a very naice little music group. At one of the sessions the teacher played some sounds for them to identify, eg: a car, a plane etc. Then she played a 'tick tock' sound. And of course, DS1 shouted "it's a cock!!
Mummy!! It's a BIG COCK!!" blush

When I had DS3, DS1's lovely TA asked me if I was bf'ing. I thought it was a weird question until she told me (and she could barely talk as she was laughing so much) that DS1, on being asked about his new baby brother had informed the entire class AND head teacher, that he cried a lot and only liked boobies. hmm. I'm sure I'll be back with more <sob>

Ds asked our new neighbour if she wanted to play with his mouse. Proceeded to get a tampax, derobe it of its tube and drag it along the floor infront of her! Obviously wasn't anything her 4 G&T kids had ever done!

DS has also asked daddy v v loudly if when he grows up if he will have big saggy ball sacks and a purple Winkie like him when he grows up too. DH said the fact that they were in a communal showering facility at the swimming baths sort of magnified the loudness and embarrassment! Lots if children and women apparently sniggered and zoomed in on dh's groin!!!

DS has only embarrassed me once really really badly by exposing abreast (mine) by yanking my vest strap down whilst I was paying the window cleaner. Not just a peel of nipple but Dillon whole breast out!!

noddyholder Sat 17-Aug-13 13:53:46

These are hilarious ds used to regularly ask dp why he had a beard on his willy

DeTamble Sat 17-Aug-13 13:55:40

I have laughed so hard, I've cried.

I don't have anything nearly that good. My son, however, in a crowded train, sitting on my lap, pulled my shirt down (whilst I was wearing a particularly cleavagy bra) and said "nice boobies mama!".

And, in a bra shop he went up to the dummies which were on a low table and grabbed their bra covered dummy breasts and very loudly told me "nice boobies, mama buy me nice boobies! PINK BOOBIES! (the bra was pink)" He was two and a quarter at the time.

IneedAyoniNickname Sat 17-Aug-13 13:56:07

Pirate I laugh about it now, but at the time I wished the ground would open up and swallow me. The builders of course made some very crude comments!

Mind you, my friends ds couldn't say flag until recently, and instead pronounced it SLAG! As I'm sure you can imagine,.that was fun on the beach!

KFFOREVER Sat 17-Aug-13 13:57:18

This thread is sooo funny. My ds is 5months so i have all this to come. shock

HoopersGinger Sat 17-Aug-13 13:57:42

My little lad occasionally shouts hello boobies to well endowed ladies. He is only 2.5 and breasted till almost 2. He misses those days

i just laughed so loud and suddenly that i made dh jump! grin

heronsfly Sat 17-Aug-13 14:03:12

As a mother of 3ds i do feel for you, but have reread your post 3 times trying to control my laughter, funniest thing i have read for ages, its brightened my day grin

buttermellow Sat 17-Aug-13 14:15:27

First time my sister saw a black person was when we had a visiting priest at our church, I think it was 1996 so she'd have been 3. The priest, a lovely gentle man went to meet everyone after mass and went to say hi to us. He held out his hand, sister looked at it, turned it over a few times before then rubbing her finger on the back of his hand.. She then glanced at her fingers to see, we think, if anything had rubbed off! She finally grabbed on to his finger and grinned at him.

He was a lovely man and just laughed!

Lurleene Sat 17-Aug-13 14:18:18

I married my DH when my DD was 4. Not long after we went away for the weekend with a group of friends. DD caught sight of DH as he came out the shower and I took her down to the kitchen while we waited for him to get dressed.

We started to eat breakfast with the rest of the group when she announced 'I've just seen **'s willy. It's not as big as my Daddy's'.

DH then choose that moment to walk into the room. I never have told him why no-one could look him the eye.

Ds is nearly 9 now and his breast obsession is alive and well. A v v pretty young Dutch girl kept lying topless at the side of our pool on holiday, DS's swimming improved greatly as he swam underwater from one end of the pool to the other to get a sneaky peak. Little sod was not at all ashamed when I teased him, said 'well they are very nice mummy!'shock

PirateJelly Sat 17-Aug-13 14:19:28

I've given my self jaw ache laughing so much at these grin

It's just reminded me when DS had a conversation with my very elderly and thankfully very deaf Auntie along the lines of "I've got a big foot haven't I Auntie Margaret?" (showing her his foot) yes dear and a big willy? daddies willy is massive but Daves is really small grandma told me. Have you got a big willy Auntie Margaret? I bet yours is really
small" luckily all she said was that's nice dear. Oh the shame blush

Also when he was two (at a different doctors thankfully) I had to nip to the lol to do a urine sample and when we came DS announced to the full waiting room "yuck mummy that poo really stank". blush Wouldnt be so bad but I only had a wee the little bugger.

Goldenbear Sat 17-Aug-13 14:27:34

That is very funny!

Yesterday I was waiting in a 'Baskets Only' queue at a supermarket with DD, 2, in the pushchair, she was quite tired and getting bored of waiting. There was an elderly couple being served on the till directly opposite us, they where taking their time as they wanted some fruit to be swapped. My DD then said very loudly, 'Oh my God Lady!' and then huffed and sighed. The old lady instantly turned around, looked quite surprised when she saw the age and size of the person emitting these inappropriate remarks! I tried to cover it up by muttering something in a corrective manner...'Yes, yes, oh my goodness that lady has lovely fruit'. Something pathetic like that but it would've been ok until DD in response said, 'Sssh, ssh!' - rude!

Earlier in the same supermarket I was joking with my DS, 6 about getting the largest meal ever for dinner last night as we hadn't had any lunch- DC had some toast and a banana but DS doesn't class that as lunch. He knows I'm trying to 'lose weight' so in response to my joke suggestion of having a huge plate of pizza he said in all seriousness, 'but if you did that you would 'win' weight and you are trying to 'lose' it?' Yes thanks for reminding me DS!

NationMcKinley Sat 17-Aug-13 14:40:39

hoopers I just read that your boobie-shouting son was only 25 not 2.5! grin

Cheesyslice Sat 17-Aug-13 14:42:07

God these are excellent.

pizzaqueen Sat 17-Aug-13 14:47:46

Out at shopping centre this week with DS nearly 3. I had my period and needed to change my towel. I had no choice but to take him into the loo with me (he can't be trusted to wait outside the cubicle).

After waiting in a long queue for a free loo he very loudly says 'what's that mummy, in your pants mummy, like a nappy, ooh it all red, why your nappy pants all red mummy, oh yuck! you need poo poo or just pee pees mummy?'blush

I'm all for being upfront and honest with children rather than making up stories but really there's just no way to explain periods to a 2 year old.

smaths Sat 17-Aug-13 14:50:23

That has made me laugh so hard a little bit of wee came out [in my defence I'm 40 weeks pregnant]

SweetSeraphim Sat 17-Aug-13 14:54:38

One when dd (now 15) was about 3, we were sitting at a bus stop when an old lady came along. I got dd to move so that the lady could sit down and she said 'I'll sit on your lap Mummy. I don't like sitting on Daddy's lap in case I sit on his BIG FAT WILLY'

I could've died. Still makes me cringe thinking about it.

pictish Sat 17-Aug-13 15:02:48

I remember when ds1 was about three, and we were getting a bus uptown.
He was singing a wee song on the bus, and a man who was clearly homeless and lacking a full set of teeth leaned forward and said (in a friendly manner) "that's a good song - I like your singing"
Ds1 stopped singing abruptly and fixed the man with a hard stare of cool appraisal before asking "are you an idiot?" then turning to me "mummy...is that man an idiot?"


30ish Sat 17-Aug-13 15:03:28

Yesterday we had to leave the cinema when watching Monsters University because my ds (3) was trying so very hard to roar (very loudly) like Sulli and Mike. Lots of laughter from the audience encouraged him to roar even more loudly. I was mortified (especially when the lady behind us started telling us to be quiet) but I couldn't remove him from the cinema quick enough because I was laughing/ dying of embarassment and had lost all strength in my arms. Kids hey, who'd have 'em!

pootlebug Sat 17-Aug-13 15:06:59

In a public toilet, clearly audible to people in the queue and surrounding toilets, when DD spots tampon string:

"Mummy, have you got a mouse up your bottom?"
"What? No!"
"Yes you have Mummy, I can see it's tail. A mouse, up your bottom! Look, there's its tail"

The one where she spotted a man with a lot of tattoos on the train was also fairly embarrassing. "Mummy, look - that man has drawn all over himself. Why has he done that Mummy? It looks really silly doesn't it Mummy? When will he wash it off Mummy? What a silly thing to do" etc.

pictish Sat 17-Aug-13 15:11:03

The one where she spotted a man with a lot of tattoos on the train was also fairly embarrassing. "Mummy, look - that man has drawn all over himself. Why has he done that Mummy? It looks really silly doesn't it Mummy? When will he wash it off Mummy? What a silly thing to do" etc.

Guffaw!! grin

I like tattoos (even though I don't have any) but that really made me laugh!

Pacific Sat 17-Aug-13 15:15:53

When DD was little, I parked her in the supermarket trolley just outside the photobooth whilst I got some passport photos. The huge fags and lottery queue was snaking around the booth.

I had just got myself positioned and features arranged when a small hand pulled the curtain aside and said "Are you doing a wee wee, mummy?"

The passport photos were like this confused shock blush grin

Then I came out and the whole queue was shaking with mirth!

Parsnipcake Sat 17-Aug-13 15:21:52

Poor you. My most embarrassing moment was in a posh carpet shop. There was a roll of cream, very nice carpet, which I supposed could look like toilet roll for giants. At least that is the only reason I can think why my 2 yr old pulled her pants down and and started wiping her bum on it. She left a big skid mark too. It was mortifying.

EnlightenedOwl Sat 17-Aug-13 15:30:00

hilarious to anyone but the owner of the carpet shop I imagine.

This thread is superb!

What is it with children and willys?!?

YouJustMetTheAlphaParent Sat 17-Aug-13 16:01:54

I have tears of laughter and if I had been in the doctors surgery I would have been laughing my socks off out loud grin

Chibbs Sat 17-Aug-13 16:06:30

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

YoungGirlGrowingOld Sat 17-Aug-13 16:17:08

Not one of my own kids, but a few years ago my niece came to stay with me and DP for the weekend for the first time - she must have been 5 or 6. My sister was away with her DH. I hadn't much experience with kids and thought it went rather well!

Anyway, next time I see my sister she is in stitches and shows me my DN's English book.She was asked to write about her weekend and she had written "I stayed with Auntie YoungGirl. Auntie YoungGirl likes wine. Uncle YoungGirl likes Poker." She had even drawn pictures of us drinking and playing cards.

I SWEAR that the poor child had NOT spent 48 hours with 2 wino's in a gambling den..... blush

WaitingForMe Sat 17-Aug-13 16:17:30

When DSS2 was being potty trained he weed in his potty just as the Avon lady arrived. DH amazingly caught the full potty that he was running with to show her. She looked at us in absolute horror.

Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme Sat 17-Aug-13 16:42:44

I have a friend with a ds like this who is a bit of a little sod handful. Apparently she has chosen to explain sex to him. She is pregnant and wanted him to know exactly how it happened. With pictures.

He is 4. I am not looking forward to future play dates.

IceNoSlice Sat 17-Aug-13 16:45:31

Ha ha ha ha thank you, made my day grin

Dontlookbehindyou Sat 17-Aug-13 21:22:32

So when my ds (just turned 2) has a tantrum and lays down on te floor quietly for about 1 min than gets up, it's going to get much worse isn't it? Lol

Slightly off topic, on the subject of willies, when do they stop getting random erections? Ds got them when he was tiny and I assumed he'd grow out of it but he still gets them? I never thought little boys did and it weirds me out lol

Mhw02 Sat 17-Aug-13 21:38:20

This example is me being the embarrassing child, and was childish innocence rather than misbehaviour, but I think it's relevant...

I remember once as a four year old my mum took me swimming. I was only just learning to read and recognise letters. I was in the changing cubicle with my mum and was staring at all the graffiti on the wall of the changing room, trying to decipher it. I saw one word that I thought I recognised - LUCK, but the first letter didn't really look like an L, it looked more like an F. I stood there for a minute pondering this - L made more sense, as luck was an actual word; if the letter was an F, well, why would someone be writing a made up word on the wall? Or could it be a new word that I hadn't learnt yet? Or a spelling mistake, maybe? So I decided to ask my mum. I opened my mouth and said in a loud, clear voice 'Mummy, does that say luck or f***?'.

Mum was horrified, and said hurriedly, 'it says "f***", but that's a very bad word and you mustn't ever say it again.' Cue me all the way into the swimming pool, 'but what does f* mean, Mummy? Why is it a bad word? Why did someone write f* if it's naughty?' I always did have a loud, clear voice. I never did get a response.

somewherewest Sat 17-Aug-13 21:42:50

10mo DS pulling down a friend's top in search of some breast was our biggest low point so far. He's only 20mo now so I'm sure there's plenty more to come

HungryGeorge Sat 17-Aug-13 22:21:38

When my DD was about 2 and a half (she's 23 now) we were in the supermarket, I was paying for a few bits at the kiosk bit and she was toddling around.. she got in an old lady's way, stood in front of her, hands on hips and said "hahahaha! I blocked you in you bastard!"

Turnipvontrapp Sat 17-Aug-13 22:37:36

Very funny and so glad am not the only one! My DS asked me very loudly in a swimming pool changing room why I had a hairy willy (I haven't by the way - am definitely a woman!) The more I tried to shush him, the louder he got.

Now it's his standard question to me (with a grin on his face) every public toilet we are in blush

MrsMc82 Sat 17-Aug-13 22:39:40

Hahaha! This is ace! "It's like a sword!!!" even dh laughed at this......
ds is 3.5 and increasingly interested in playing with his willy so also read in fear too!
Classic story tho - hope the diazapam worked and neckis better...

MollySJ Sat 17-Aug-13 22:44:41

So good!

WrongendoftheSTIX Sat 17-Aug-13 22:52:25

This thread is amazing!

Hahaha. These are brilliant. Ds isn't verbal enough to embarrass me like this yet but I managed it myself the other day...

He loves tractors but can't quite say it properly so when I left for work the other day and saw one coming down the road I used his words and shouted "look! Twat twat!" back to the house. Oh the shame blush

Nagoo Sat 17-Aug-13 22:58:16

Oh yes, the toilet commentary. thought my DC were bad, then on holiday I overheard a small D: 'Mummy<shocked tone> have you shit in your knickers?'.

ViviDeBeauvoir Sat 17-Aug-13 23:00:34

Your story is brilliant OP!

Nowhere near as entertaining but tickled me:

I took DD to the toilet in a department store and it was very busy so we both squeezed into a cubicle. After I'd finished in her loudest voice ever she said 'shall I wipe your bottom for you?'. I told her it was ok and I'd do it myself but she kept on and on 'it's ok, mummy, I'll do it for you' which made it sound like this was the norm in our house! hmm grin

WLmum Sat 17-Aug-13 23:12:47

On a recent camping trip af decided to make an appearance having been absent for the last 18 months due to dd3. Dd1&2 are obsessed, ask me lots of loud questions everytime we go to the loo or shower. Dd1 wants to see where the moon cup goes and despite my trying to skirt over it, squats down to get a good look. Then asks why I have a hole and comment that its quite a big hole isn't it?! Honestly child, just shush.

ViviDeBeauvoir Sat 17-Aug-13 23:13:14

Another one courtesy of DD:

She picked up the word 'fuck' from nursery and had been telling her little brother to 'fuck off' over and over again. I explained that this wasn't a nice thing to say and left it at that.
On the bus home she started to talk loudly about it saying 'I mustn't say fuck off to DB, must I?' 'Fuck off isn't a nice thing to say' 'I won't tell DB to fuck off' etc.
I was mortified and cracking up with laughter at the same time!

IThinkOfHappyWhenIThinkOfYou Sat 17-Aug-13 23:14:25

DD1 had a marvellous rummage through the novelty condom stand on the checkout in a tourist tat shop in London a few weeks ago.

IsaacCox Sat 17-Aug-13 23:36:16

I needed cheering up and this thread has more than done the trick grin

DS2 has started talking to us in a similar voice to how his teacher reads stories to the class.

Today's rendition ( after seeing DH in the bath) was, "A biiiig willy, A strooong willy, A faaat willy"


pictish Sun 18-Aug-13 00:09:24

I heard a great story about a little girl that someone knew in nursery.

She said to the teacher "I've shat myself".
The teacher, astonished by her language said "pardon??!"
The girl replied " I SAID...I'VE SHAT MYSELF!"

afromom Sun 18-Aug-13 00:32:11

Piratejelly that is hilarious! I'm sure I would have died if embarrassment in your situation too though!

My DS's less finer moment was at Nursery (luckily they knew me well and took what he said with a pinch if salt, but I did have some explaining to do!). I walked in to pick him up from nursery one day when he was nearly 3. All of the staff were smirking at me, and then his key worker came out with "DS has been enlightening us at the tea table with some interesting tales!" I was confused "what has he said now?" Apparently he had been sat at the tea table, everyone happily munching away and suddenly said "my mum walks around the house with no clothes on and the other day my dad was in the shower and his willy is really big! He let me touch it!" Just to reassure you DH didn't "let him" touch his penis, DS saw it and made a lunge for it, followed by an almighty shriek from DH, cue me running in and finding DS trying to grab at Dh's penis laughing his head off! Still not sure why he brought me into it though!

Julygal Sun 18-Aug-13 01:35:38

We were in the busy communal changing rooms at centerparcs once when DD1 (then 2) asked me continually why I had blue string between my legs, despite the continual shush from me! blush

Just this week on holiday with pil's. FIL (Irish catholic) yelled Jesus Christ when DH went round a corner particularly fast. DD2 (7) mimicked him and shouted "Jesus!" When I admonished her on this she replied "but I like Jesus". Cue tears of laughter from me and MIL, then real tears from sensitive DD2 as she thought we were laughing at her, rather than her comedy!

I got my period unexpectedly in town one day so went to nearest toilets in m & s. Brought dd in to the toilet with me and sorted myself out to a chorus from dd saying "mummy, what's on your pants?", "mummy, is that poo?", "mummy, that's not just the design of your panties.", "I am using my inside voice" as I frantically tried to shush her and tell her it was the design of my pants! When we came out of he cubicle she told the whole queue of old ladies "My mummy did a poo in her pants!"
I just wanted the floor to swallow me!

WhatAFunnyPotato Sun 18-Aug-13 06:23:45

My DD is only 3 months so all this is to come...brilliant.

When my sister and her friend, both aged 4, were on the bus with my mum once a tall black man got on and sat immediately in front of Dsis and friend. This was small town Scotland, circa 1984, and this was an unusual sight. Cue my sister and her friend chanting (in a low voice which got louder as they got braver), "He is big and he is black, he is big and he is black." The man just giggled, but my mum was blush

My dad was a doctor and when I asked him, aged 5, what he did all day he calmly tried to explain what his specialism was in simple terms. When my parents went to their first parents evening at my school they were mortified to find I'd written, "My dad does willies," in large letters on a wall-mounted board as part of a project on our parents' jobs....

GhostsInSnow Sun 18-Aug-13 10:52:12

As a child DD was utterly terrified of Golliwogs for some odd reason. It was generally ok because you didn't really see many of them anymore (PC and all that).

Unfortunately when she was about 4 we were on Llandudno Pier where hanging from a stall was a series of big golliwogs. I was slightly ahead with DH and DD was with my SIL who still tells today of the horror on her face as DD pointed to the stall, screaming loudly to 'Take me away, don't like gollywogs, AAARRRRRGGGHHHHHH' just as a lovely black family walked past.
Fortunately after a flash of shock on their faces they did realise what DD was pointing at and burst out laughing but SIL tells me 12 years later she's still traumatised.

Yay! Into Classics.

Well done OP. smile

perplexedpirate Sun 18-Aug-13 10:59:19

In the supermarket last week, DS decided to sing 'boobs, boobs, boobs boobs boob boob boob boooooobbbss' to the Jeremy Kyle theme tune.
Proudest parenting moment ever!

MissMarplesBloomers Sun 18-Aug-13 11:11:05

Aha into Classics.......good embarrassment fodder for future family gatherings methinks!!

Well done Pirate

changeforthebetter Sun 18-Aug-13 11:12:41

Just wonderful grin I have tears running down my face!!

toomanyfionas Sun 18-Aug-13 11:31:14

Oh OP I feel for you but it did give me a good laugh.

mothersapron Sun 18-Aug-13 11:38:26

Oh this is fabulous!! I have a mummy nappy (ST) one too. In a shop explaining to toddler DS that we won't be stopping at the park 'cos I really need to get home for a wee wee, "But mummy you've got your mummy nappy on so you don't need toilet."

Another mother's mortification involving us....in the GP's waiting room too....a child from DS's reception class says his daddy is on the way, then says to my DS "your daddy isn't coming 'cos he's dead isn't he?"
So beautifully matter of fact!!! I did actually lol, which I believe put the mother at ease somewhat!!!

jimijack Sun 18-Aug-13 11:53:06

Busy Drs waiting room.
Ds asks, very loudly "mummy, did you just trump, cos it smells"

Oh dear Lord. The more you deny the worse it looks.

And no, I had not.

TSSDNCOP Sun 18-Aug-13 12:03:21

DS age 3 at his Grandmas very dignified 80th birthday party was perusing the buffet table, all was quiet as a bunch of elderlies were either choosing or eating their food.

DS spotted the cocktail sausages (can you tell what's coming?)...


it is hard to dig an escape hole with plastic cutlery.

My DN was with me when I went shopping and bought some tampons. She exclaimed at the top of her voice "Mummy buys them for her botty, she's got a hairy botty! Mummies botty is really hairy"
Clearly everyone in the shop assumed she was mine and I realised stating that the child was my DN not DD would not help.
Mortified. blush

On holiday at centre parcs on the way into the swimming pool area, DS (3) excitedly announces to some random bloke:
"my mummy can come swimming with me coz she hasn't got red wee wee anymore!"
(Red wee wee is DS's own phrase borne from the compete lack of toilet privacy he seems to have. I had been unable to take him to local pool the previous week)

'Ive blocked you in, bastard'

Hahahahahahahahaha. A bit of wee actually just came out.

EnlightenedOwl - I don't think there was any need for your somewhat po-faced response to Parsnipcake, since she described what her dd did as mortifying and embarassing, NOT hilarious.

MotherofthreeDragons Sun 18-Aug-13 14:50:43

DD1 had plenty when younger (she is 13 now, now I embarrass her grin)
She once shouted asked why the lady in the seat in front of us on a packed bus why a black lady has spiders in her hair, judging by the woman's look, he wasn't impressed, she had a weave on blush

She often liked to count how many 'brown people' were on our bus, pointing at each person saying, there's another one, and another! We lived in a very multicultural part if London and have black family so I wasn't out of the ordinary blush

She was obsessed with playing with 'mummy's stickers' (yep, sainitry towels) and many time I found her decorating the house with them!

marking my place as my 19mo old is on the verge of doing something like this and I'll need to come back and report!

Pannacotta Sun 18-Aug-13 16:58:18

Hilarious story OP! Hope you feel better now.

My DS2 is 6 now and is still obsessed with poo/bum/willy stuff - bit of a late developer though....

SybilRamkin Sun 18-Aug-13 20:52:54

I've just read this thread in its entirety and am crying with mirth! DH and I don't have DC yet but it's pleasing to note that we've got this to look forward to grin

Just remember, when they are teenagers, it is far, far easier to embarrass them than for them to embarrass you. Revenge is sweet - mwah ha ha ha!

NatashaBee Sun 18-Aug-13 20:57:56

grin @ 'it is hard to dig an escape hole with plastic cutlery'... Brilliant!

AlyssB Sun 18-Aug-13 22:47:55

First weekend aways as a family with DP & DSD (then 4), I volunteered to take DSD to the loo as I needed to go too. It was very touristy & busy & there was a queue. We nipped into a cubicle together and after she'd finished I went. Except DSD then exclaimed at the top of her voice 'wow! You have a fluffy bottom AlyssB! Just like my mummy. Mummy has a fluffy bottom!' I quietly explains that yes all grown up laidies have fluffy bottoms which was followed up with 'so when I am a grown up lady will I have a fluffy bottom too?' I replied with 'yes. Now let's go wash our hands!'

There were a lot of concealed smiles and giggles as we left the cubicle and washed our hands. I was mortified. Now DSD is 7 I am quite used to these things for the most part!!!

LiegeAndLief Mon 19-Aug-13 09:23:24

We were at the pool the other day waiting to climb up the ladder to get out of the pool. A very large lady was climbing out in front of us. Ds said, loudly and clearly, "Wow, she's MASSIVE!".

He wasn't even an excusable toddler, he was nearly 7. She must have heard as she was very close by and I was mortified and furious. Ds got some very strong words...

WellThatsLife Mon 19-Aug-13 09:47:39

Four years old,in the local pharmacy with my mum who was heavily pregnant when I turned round and said at the top of my voice" !didn't see daddy plant that seed in your tummy, mummy", not too embarrassing except my mum was a gp and the pharmacy was across the road from her surgery and full of her patients. We beat a hasty retreat into the dispensary

Lurleene Mon 19-Aug-13 17:07:39

Another one, from half an hour ago. DS (age 8) and I just walked past a man holding a lovely newborn baby. DS said loudly ' Oh Mum, I really wish you had sat on that man's willy, I'd love a baby brother!'

I was like shock and blush and asked him why he would say that. Then he reminded me that we saw the Cerne Abbas Giant last month, and I had told him the myth about ladies sitting on him to help their chances of getting pregnant. Phew! I had to fight the urge to run back to the man and explain.

youarewinning Mon 19-Aug-13 19:50:48

I am lucky that my DS (9) does not ask questions grin

However he does like to tell people what is correct and not and after going through the 'willy sword!' phase and being told that it's private and for the bedroom only he announced this to a man (actually poor young bloke of about 19/20) who he caught having a quick scratch or rearrange in Tesco's once. blush

sarahjaye Tue 20-Aug-13 18:53:16

A few years ago when DS was about 3ish, we took him to Tate Britain. Wandering around, I'm trying to interest him in the art, when I realise the Turner Prize exhibition is on. Not really clocking the warning that some exhibits are unsuitable for under 16s, we go in. It's all fairly innocuous until we see a Jake & Dinos Chapman installation of a blow up sex doll in the 69 position with a mannequin.

"Eeew" squeals DS, at about 1000 decibels, "that one's licking the others willy - eeew, taste of wee!"

The entire room turned and stared at us , some of them laughed, but some obviously thought we'd just shown our toddler hardcore porn - which, to be fair, I suppose we had.

mouseymummy Tue 20-Aug-13 19:26:22

My dd1 was about 3 (now 9) and I'd stopped using her push chair about 3 or 4 months before, much to her disgust. She hated walking and was still upset about me giving it away. We went into town to do our shopping and she spots a guy in a wheelchair being pushed up the hill by his carer. Dd marches over ( I had my hands full and couldn't grab her in time) and says "why are you so old and allowed to use your push chair, I'm only lickle and liked mine but mummy gave mine away" luckily for me, the guy found it hilarious and explained why he used his 'pushchair'. I was absolutly mortified but the guy and his carer were so lovely about it!

One from my friends dd, my friend is a nurse and has a son in the army, she helps out with a lot of help for heroes events near her and they went bowling, my friends dd was about 9 or 10 at the time and the soldiers were being a bit mean to her, picking her and spinning her when it was her turn etc, so she decided to get one of the guys, who was being mean to her, back. She waited til he was sat down, grabbed his prothestic (sp) leg and launched it down the bowling alley. Everyone was in hysterics for ages afterwards. It's still brought up at gatherings all these months later.

cherrytree63 Sat 05-Oct-13 20:48:41

When my daughter was about three, I had to take her with me when I had my smear test. She behaved beautifully, playing with her toys and chatting to the nurse. As we were leaving, she turned to the packed waiting room and BELLOWED "my mummy's got orange hair on her ding ding"!!!!

NoMoreMadCatLady Sat 05-Oct-13 21:13:06

Sitting in a cafe in a grateful heap with a finally sleeping baby DD, & DSs.
DD wakes up, & I asked DS, then 5, to put her dummy in, hoping I could have another 2 minutes relative peace. He announces, at the top of his voice, "No mum, it's not working, she wants tit"

BloodshotDays Sat 05-Oct-13 21:26:49

A few months ago me and DD(2.5 at the time) had been to The Deep. I went to the loo before we left, DD safely in the cubicle with me asking what I'm doing ("just having a wee BabyBloodshot, I'll just be a minute,").

Thrilled by this news - and having recently learnt the words for mummy and daddy's 'bits' as she'd been enquiring in the bath - DD proceeds to slide open the lock on the door, walk out and announce to the crowded toilets "don't worry everyone, my Daddy is just having a wee out of his penis."

Everyone laughs, I'm left finishing off my wee in plain sight of everyone, mortified. DD just looked pleased with herself.. Like she'd done me a huge favour announcing my news!!

Dt2 aged 20 months has meant to oink like a pig whenever peppa pig is on. We think this is brilliant and have actively encouraged it more so than ever today, lots of linking!! This afternoon I was pushing dts in buggy in a shop and heard dt2 "oink". I am a bit baffled and follow his line of sight to a...erm...larger lady all dressed in pink.Thank god she didn't notice but I left quickly!

god so many typos sorry, and not Willy related leaves thread blush

Jellyboobs Sat 05-Oct-13 23:16:47

That's the funniest thing I've read in about ten years. oh my god, I'm so sorry, just hilarious.

fatmumjane Sun 06-Oct-13 00:18:04

Honestly this thread is the funniest thing I've ever read, laughing out loud in bed with tears rolling down my face with dh fast asleep next to me. My children are 19, 15, 11&11 now but I remember well the embarrassing moments they bestow upon you! My advice...write it up, keep it and put it on a big poster on his wedding day grin

mrspremise Tue 15-Oct-13 13:05:08

My eldest ds (at the age of 2) trotted up to a shop mannnequin, which was unfortunately nekkid due to the outfits on the dummies being changed, cupped his hands gleefully and screeched at the very top of his voice "Look, Mummy! BREASTS!!". I tried to hide behind the baby's pushchair. blush

I really dislike smoking and used to repeatedly tell my kids about how dangerous it is to their health. DD asked me one day why I didn't like smoking and I said, "Because it makes you smell like smoke, and it makes your lungs turn black" - not thinking anything else of it.

A month or so later we were on the bus going into town and as the queue of people boarded the bus DD's eyes got wider and wider until she started furiously tapping my arm and saying, "Look Mum, look Mum, LOOK MUM (top of her voice) that woman must smoke lots of cigarettes because she is ALL BLACK."

She was about 4 at the time and the lady in question either didn't hear or ignored it. I could quite cheerfully have melted on the spot.

eden263 Sat 26-Oct-13 01:57:46

Great thread! I have been in tears of laughter! OP, I really feel for you, my DS1 & 2 are grown men now but we had our fair share of incidents, too. DD is 5 and we went to a festival in summer, where I got my period & had no choice but to take her into the portaloos with me - discreetly changing your tampon with a nosey 4-y-o peering down into the tub of waste & loudly asking a million questions was no picnic, I can tell you!

Really did LOL at the mouse up the bottom post, too. It's the way that the quieter you try to get them to be, the louder they have to shout!

YoniGetAnOohWithTyphoo Wed 04-Dec-13 22:23:38

DNiece is mixed race (SIL is from Angola). Once DM was having a dinner party with the family and also invited a (very important and high-up) Ugandan friend. Niece said she needed the loo, and since SIL was busy I said I would take her. We accidentally walked in on said guest whilst he was in the bathroom - luckily didn't see anything as he had finished and was leaving anyway. We finished up and returned to the living room, but niece looked very shaken. I asked her what was wrong. She wailed (in front of everyone) 'there was a black man in the toilet!' shock Luckily, everyone (including her mother) saw the funny side. I can only think her reaction was because he was a bit darker complexioned than her mother! confused

DownstairsMixUp Sun 05-Jan-14 10:10:40

Love this thread! Glad people ignored the miserable comment and it's carried on! DS (4) has had some right corkers.

Was out and had to use a public loo, he came in with me as it was so busy, let him go a wee first then I sat down and changed tampon, he says VERY loudly, "Mum why is your bum bleeding?!" I could FEEL the sniggers outside the door i swear!

On the bus, again, very crowded, it was mostly just average sized people and a couple of elderly people then a group of 3 larger ladies got on. I've always told DS he isn't to comment on what people look like so really wasn't expecting him to say, "MUM WHY ARE THEY SO BIG MUM MUM" Me: "Shh you can't say that it's rude!!" "BUT MUM THEY ARE SO BIG WHY ARE YOU NOT LIKE THAT MUM MUM MUM" i was so red!! I had a diversion of a thomas train in my bag so got that out and he shhushed then.

When he first was potty trained he was OBSESSED with wee's, everywhere he went he had to use the toilets. Popped into Tesco with a basket and DS was just behind me singing happily about what tins were in the aisles when a man said to me, "I think your boy is up to something" with a grin face turn around DS has his trousers down shuffling along singing about spaghetti hoops. blush

Ooh last one I can remember, went to visit MIL who has a communal swimming pool on her estate, went into changing rooms and a lady was getting changed, smiled politely and started getting ready. Lady takes off her top and DS says, "you have small boobies! Not like my mummy, she has massive ones! hahah! booby booby booby!" Me: blush but the woman thought it was hilarious!

HowlingTrap Sun 05-Jan-14 10:18:55

Haha OMG OP that is priceless.

when I was 5 I had to share a cubicle with my mum in a large shopping centre, really busy ,who was having a visit from aunt scarlett ifyswim. I didn't know what periods were so when I saw the brownish dried stain on her pants I said ;

"Mummy? have you pooed yourself?!!" really loud blush poor mum.

vladthedisorganised Wed 12-Feb-14 10:44:04

My DM, who DD was very close to, died of lung cancer shortly after diagnosis. This meant that we had the death conversation quite early on (dd was 2.5). DD was quite happy that Grandma had been very sick, and most of the time when people get sick, they get better, but sometimes they get too sick and then their body stops working.

Fair enough, until we show up at the GP a month or two later and sit in the waiting room next to someone with a mild cough. "MUM," hollers DD, "DO YOU THINK THAT LADY'S GOING TO DIE SOON OR IS IT THE KIND OF COUGH THAT GETS BETTER? "

It put the 'my chest has bumpy bits (ribs) but yours has really squishy bits' into the shade.

judypoops Mon 18-Aug-14 17:30:19

I had to add to this thread to offload! We have just been to visit some lovely new friends that we've made recently, and ds decided it would be funny to embarrass me by saying loudly in front of lovely new friends "hey mum, remember you used to lock me in a cage when I was naughty!" shock
Just to be clear I have never locked him in a cage!! He'd seen it on a tv programme where someone had said that to his mum and ch

judypoops Mon 18-Aug-14 17:32:08

*chose that moment to say it to me 'because it was really funny'!!!!

AliceInSandwichLand Mon 18-Aug-14 17:43:59

My DD was about 4, long ago, and DH was best man for a friend at a wedding with a reception in a naice hotel. The morning after the wedding, DH took DD swimming in the hotel pool and into the men's changing rooms afterwards. Getting dressed after the swim, both of them were shivering a bit.
"Daddy," DD says in a piercing voice, "why is your willy so small?"
Also in the changing room were the entire Arsenal football team.

AlpacaMyBags Mon 18-Aug-14 18:28:33

These are brilliant. But I'm never going to take DS out in public again in case he embarrasses me in the same way!

moldingsunbeams Sat 23-Aug-14 01:19:42

dd once pressed open the electric door on the toilets on the train exposing me to a row of people sat on those little chairs which face it. shock sad

Tipsykisses Sat 23-Aug-14 05:26:36

Oh my op grin this is great ! I've giggled so much !
My Dd was always coming out with cringe moments , I still laugh now when I think about nanny visiting one weekend and after a few moments sat snuggling up she asked my lovely mum
" nan how old will I be when I have a moustache like yours ???"

dancestomyowntune Sat 23-Aug-14 11:44:14

just read this whole thread and some of these are hilarious. grin

my little angel answered the door to a neighbour the other day and shouted up the stairs "mum its Elaine the pain". i nearly died! she laughed it off and said that was what her dad called her but i felt awful angry

serennu Wed 01-Oct-14 14:02:36

on a trip to the hairdressers for myself I gave ds his 3ds to bring to keep him entertained. mid haircut I hear an extremely embarrassing video of me singing twinkle twinkle very loudly (and badly) being played. it was a small hairdressers and everyone could hear, the people on the chairs next to ds even watched the video. me red faced, and in the chair could do nothing but watch everyone listen to my singing and ds very amused by the whole thing played the video again! yep.

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