What's the worst/funniest thing that a man has ever said to you after having sex?

(261 Posts)
makemineamalibuandpineapple Wed 14-Aug-13 22:34:01

I had been having a fling with a guy I had met online. He had come over and we had just DTD 5 times!! It was 3am and I was showing him out and he said "We'll touch base" grin I thought, "I'm never going to see this man again". And guess what, 3 years later I still haven't. Thankfully I am now loved up with my lovely bf but that still makes me chuckle whenever I think about it.

He said his own name of completion. His name rhymes with Hohn. He had a mirrored wardrobe which I think he watched his self in.

I decided to never see him again after that.

Marcheline Wed 14-Aug-13 22:38:43

I once dates a guy who would do a family guy impression and expect a high five.

I went out with him for just over a year. Oh the shame.

Marcheline Wed 14-Aug-13 22:39:04

*dated

Beamur Wed 14-Aug-13 22:39:34

The worst was a chap who post sex got all emotional about his ex and wanted to talk to me about why it hadn't worked out with her....the even worst part was I was staying with a friend who I knew had met someone she'd been seeing and taken him back to her place so I felt I couldn't immediately run off either! Longest few hours of my life.

YouMakeMeWannaLaLa Wed 14-Aug-13 22:41:39

One ex used to kiss his 'guns' during and after. Did I say EX grin

The worst is either "Sorry" (not sure what for) or "Thanks", though. Yuck!

BigTravellingClown Wed 14-Aug-13 22:42:04

Ex used to get up like five seconds after we had finished (5 minutes after we had started...), scratch his balls and get dressed, then wander out of the room saying something like "I wonder if City have scored yet...?"

And he wondered why I wasn't that into sex with him!

DH usually tells me he loves me afterwards.

CruCru Wed 14-Aug-13 22:42:06

"I don't want to make any commitment" from an ex boyfriend I still slept with occasionally as I was single. Made me feel awesome, that did.

Chubfuddler Wed 14-Aug-13 22:42:54

Someone said their own name when they came?

Bloody hell.

Chub yes, his own name. He also saw no issue with this and I said 'wtf did you just say?!'

He had some body issues. He thought he was better looking then he was! He looked like a donkey but thought he was a stallion grin

MissAntithetic Wed 14-Aug-13 22:45:37

The worst was a casual relationship now I recognise he was obviously married but at the time I thought it was normal

He rolled off and said "you weren't lying when you said you were on the pill were you? I don't want some fucking 20 year old tart trapping me"

I actually showed him my pill packet and continued to see him for another month before the good lord slapped me with a smoked kipper and shoved some self respect up my Arse.

You. If your reading this. Are a fat balding cunt and I only slept with you because I was just out of an EA relationship - he was my first and it was 7 years long. I learnt the second time much quicker. Your problem was you were pulling above your weight. You knew it. I didn't but I do now.

Oh and even though I'd only had one previous lover, you were shit.

ImNotBloody14 Wed 14-Aug-13 22:45:45

i was seeing a man who was multilingual and liked to entertain me with different accents. the first time we had sex, just as we had finished he said in a very fake norwegianish sort of accent "it is good, ya?" with both thumbs up and i just collapsed into fits of laughter. i couldn't catch my breath for ages which he then found hysterical so we both ended up doubled over laughing. will always remember that. i'm very grateful he waited til it was over til he said it- he could have timed that very badly grin

CruCru Wed 14-Aug-13 22:46:01

Same ex used to watch himself in the mirror during sex.

foslady Wed 14-Aug-13 22:47:30

That was nice. Fucking 'nice' (I have since been told I'm bloody fantastic btw - so it wasn't me!!!!grin)

Guiltcity Wed 14-Aug-13 22:47:31

"I kissed a girl and I liked it"
First time with now DP.

He immediately reassured me he'd kissed "girls" before and had no idea why he said it.

I still enjoy bringing it up now!

Best friend was giving a blowjob to a guy who shouted "yes! drink from my fountain!" as he came...got to be 10 years ago now but she still laughs uncontrollably if anyone even says his name grin

Chubfuddler Wed 14-Aug-13 22:50:51

I really hope some of these are the same man.

Drink from my fountain

Christ.

That's it. I'm never having sex again.

ImNotBloody14 Wed 14-Aug-13 22:51:49

the worst was a different guy, after pretty crappy sex i lay down beside him and he patted my back like a child and asked if i was ok! confused it just felt so wrong so i didn't see him again. bleaugh.

i also should admit to saying someone else's name whilst shagging my ex- to make matters worse, i apologised straight away as i realised it wasn't his name and he said "what are you saing sorry for?" HE HADN'T HEARD ME! so then i said never mind, but he insisted i told him so i told him and we had a massive row because the name i said was that of a work colleague i'd had a fling with before ex and i were together, but who i still worked with blush

"I hope you're on the pill cos that's gone straight to the baby making factory" hmm

It hadn't. And never did (with him), thankfully.

ItsOkayItsJustMyBreath Wed 14-Aug-13 22:56:01

drink from my fountain

I am crying! grin

PipkinsPal Wed 14-Aug-13 22:59:48

I'm just under 5 ft tall and 10 years ago when I was 35 I was just under 7 stone so I was teeny tiny. My bf at the time, who was aged around 43 said "it's just like making love to a schoolgirl being with you" shock. He was quickly an ex.

FrankSpenser Wed 14-Aug-13 22:59:51

Drink. From. My. Fountain.

What the actual fuck??!

TinyDiamond Wed 14-Aug-13 23:02:15

bahhhhhhhhaha drink from my fountain. amazing

Still18atheart Wed 14-Aug-13 23:05:22

Drink from my fountain
grin grin grin grin

RNJ3007 Wed 14-Aug-13 23:06:00

Not so much said, but had a fling bark at me when I asked what he'd like to do...

Mood. Killed.

TinyDiamond Wed 14-Aug-13 23:09:46

I suppose I better add one but I don't have one so here's one that I said to a bloke who tells me it was the funniest thing a girl ever said to him.

it was in my younger days, I think I was 19, living in Camden, partying all the time. I was working in a music venue and had accidentally started sleeping with my manager. It was all very lighthearted but it was HOT. It was on and off for a couple of years and generally involved us heading home together when the sun came up after finishing at 4am and drinking until 6.

One time, at my place, it was Sunday morning and a friend had just text to say let's meet for brunch and she'd be there in 5. We'd just finished some pretty epic shagging and worried my friend would catch us I apparently looked at my watch and said "you may as well fuck off now"

Who the hell WAS I?

KinNora Wed 14-Aug-13 23:10:40

'Drink from my fountain' - bloody hell, I'm crying.

I was seeing a man earlier this year who was in the habit of saying 'clever girl !' when I came.

FrankSpenser Wed 14-Aug-13 23:13:49

I remember a guy who thought he was the shnizzle, tell me in between ickle pecks on the lips how the had strength, peck, stamina, peck...then lasted all of a minute.

Bizarrely, as it was during a holiday fling (back in the days of my younger yoof) I had a picture taken with stamina stan almost immediately afterwards. His face: beaming. My face: like thunder.

omaoma Wed 14-Aug-13 23:14:28

[with heartfelt look]'Thank you.' and then 'I'm not sure what we do now - I've never had a one night stand before'...

er, I hadn't realised that was only going to be a one night stand, man-i-thought-would-be-the-love-of-my-life angry

FrankSpenser Wed 14-Aug-13 23:15:28

Can't stop giggling at Fountain! !

"So what's the plan - are we going round to Jackie's?"

hmm

Thisvehicleisreversing Wed 14-Aug-13 23:26:13

"ooh here we go" every time he came. Like me he was only 16 yet he sounded like an old man grin

Or "you are pilling it aren't you?" The most gorgeous lad in the pub who every girl fancied. Yet he came after about 20 seconds and still thought he was god's gift. Most dissapointing.

Ninehoursahead Wed 14-Aug-13 23:26:24

When I first got with DH, he worked in catering so worked long unsociable hours and we hardly ever saw each other. We managed to get a Saturday afternoon together, so spent it in bed, eating, snoozing and having sex. We had one last session before he had to dash off and then he got out of bed and said "thanks, that was nice"

Apparently he meant the whole afternoon, not the hot sex we'd just had! hmm

IneedAyoniNickname Wed 14-Aug-13 23:28:30

The first guy I slept with after ex and I split, so 2nd guy ever, said
"bet you've never had a Dick that big before have you? " that's the best sex you've ever had isn't it?"
He kept on in a similar vein for about half an hour. To my shame I did keep seeing him for a while blush In my defence I was still hurting from the breakup, vulnerable and lacking in confidence. He was the first guy to pay me attention.

Incidentally, the sex was shit and he was no bigger than average.

maras2 Wed 14-Aug-13 23:28:37

I'm gonna give DH a BJ tonight and make him say 'Drink from my fountain' just to see how close to biting his knob off I get.

"that'll do donkey! that'll do!"

Yes said in the shrek voice.

And, yes, I'm still with this man... blush

maras2 Wed 14-Aug-13 23:30:51

Purely for research.

ImNotBloody14 Wed 14-Aug-13 23:31:57

shock @ admiral!! he called you a donkey?

CrazyHamsterdisguisedasatree Wed 14-Aug-13 23:37:46

An ex always used to say 'Good Girl' !

Ermm gee thanks do I get a fucking gold star <wonders off mumbling>

'This is how I feel when Chelsea scores a goal.'

Um. hmm

So sex is just a football match then?

ExH once complained that second helpings (because first time lasted all of 30 seconds, he never got much better) was 'like fucking a yoghurt pot!' shock angry Better than fucking a complete dickhead like him.

The ONS who got up, mid shag, to feed the baby he conveniently forgot to mention.

(We'd met on a night out and he lived with his parents who were babysitting)

Awkward.

SneakyNuts Thu 15-Aug-13 00:01:50

"I do not believe a BABY came out of THERE"

Straight after, pointing at my vagine in an almost accusing manner.

Sunnysummer Thu 15-Aug-13 00:24:48

We lived next door to a couple who were fairly noisy... But the worst bit was that on completion he would shout 'MY SEED'.

alltoomuchrightnow Thu 15-Aug-13 00:36:23

An ex from half my lifetime ago...not after, but before..'I'm as randy as a ram, I am'.... hmm He was MASSIVE in that department..i couldn't handle it (quite literally!) so he didn't last long. Burst every condom within seconds. Oh and 'during'.. 'you're not leaving this room till i give you an orgasm' hmm (yep, nothing like pressure!) He was only my 2nd..and 20 yrs older. I've since compared notes with someone he's DTD with in recent years.. she couldn't 'handle' him either and said he used to pace the room before sex, puffing and grunting! shock Oh and he broke her rib during. He's now married..to a sex therapist who looks like ET!! grin

alltoomuchrightnow Thu 15-Aug-13 00:37:15

and he is still positively rampant. He'll be bending her over the zimmer frame when they're 100, I'm sure..

Mynewmoniker Thu 15-Aug-13 00:39:18

My friend's ex-husband always used to end with "Take THAT!"

(Oops! No I wasn't sleeping with him...my friend told me blush)

She said it was OK 'cos she always pretended he was Gary Barlow anyway. grin

Iamnormalish Thu 15-Aug-13 00:41:36

OMFG!!! Some of these are hilarious and damn awful.

None of my own to report however I have a mate who told me one bloke she was seeing for a while always used to call out" Yee Haar, hole in one" everytime he came.

Apparently it was an in joke with her friends at the time (I met her years later) but if they were in the oub and he was also there instead of saying hi they all used to day "Yee Haar". She said she does not think he put tow and two together and realised they were all taking the piss out of him.

IneedAyoniNickname Thu 15-Aug-13 00:44:08

Sneaky that reminds me of another gem from the guy I mentioned up thread.
The first time he saw my naked norks he said "wow,.I can tell you've never breastfed"
I was confused as i fed ds1 for 20months, stopped when I was 3 months pg.
Then I fed ds2 for 3 years
grin

TheMagicToyshop Thu 15-Aug-13 00:49:36

Wow some of these are impressive.

Mine would definitely be 'um... where's the condom gone?'

I imagine you can guess the answer blush

Crying with laughter at " my seed " and take that

KingJoffrey Thu 15-Aug-13 00:59:30

"Not bad, I'd give it a solid 8.5/10"

WTAF

Darkesteyes Thu 15-Aug-13 01:00:31

My ex OM said "Its coming its coming. I cant stop it. EVERY single time he came.

I think i want him back sad

Chibbs Thu 15-Aug-13 01:05:59

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sparklysilversequins Thu 15-Aug-13 01:13:33

IMMEDIATELY after it finished he said "you do know I only did this to get back at my ex don't you so it won't be happening again" shock

Mynewmoniker Thu 15-Aug-13 01:14:26

Was he a mute Chibbs? grin

Darkesteyes Thu 15-Aug-13 01:17:04

Sparkly.....what a git.

KingJoffrey Thu 15-Aug-13 01:18:22

I'm female btw, in spite of my name. And yes he was talking about my vagina hmm

UnitedZingDom Thu 15-Aug-13 01:20:56

"that's it, I can't do this again, this baby better come out soon!" said DH when I was 9 days overdue and we'd just had sex after sweep! grin

(baby was born the same day, so it worked)

Sparklysilversequins Thu 15-Aug-13 01:22:10

I was very upset at the time, it was just so unnecessary. However I knew his ex vaguely and when out one night ran into her and told her what he had said. She was disgusted by him and really sorry for me and refused to ever speak to him again. She and I became very good friends actually.

He was marking you on your vagina KingJoffrey? Woah. It would be rude but slightly more understandable to mark the whole sex thing overall, but to mark a piece of your anatomy?!

Secretswitch Thu 15-Aug-13 02:19:05

Oh God can you feel me pumping you full of my love?
Why yes..yes I can..
What else could I possibly have said?

AnotherStitchInTime Thu 15-Aug-13 02:20:41

Worst thing: "If only you were black"

Post-coital racism is always a turn off I find.

differentnameforthis Thu 15-Aug-13 02:54:07

Worst - I'll leave the money on the table in the morning (was late at night)

This was dh, for some reason after the deed, he realised that he hadn't given me the money he took out the bank for me on his way home from work, and choose that moment to tell me where he would leave it.

MeanAndMeaslyMiddleAges Thu 15-Aug-13 02:55:02

kinNora What, are you a velociraptor or something?

livinginwonderland Thu 15-Aug-13 07:28:43

Some of these are brilliant.

I once slept with someone who answered the phone to his MOTHER about five seconds after we'd had sex and had a fifteen minute conversation with her hmm

Im still in bed and lolling at some of these grin.

The fountain and donkey shrek voice men are cracking!!

NutritiousAndDelicious Thu 15-Aug-13 07:41:46

'It's alright, don't say thank you' wink

It's alright mate, I wasn't going to hmm

antsypants Thu 15-Aug-13 07:46:08

Technically it was before, but ons said (whilst undoing his jeans) "don't be intimidated" ... I wasn't grin

TallulahBetty Thu 15-Aug-13 07:52:39

Crying at "drink from my fountain" grin grin grin grin grin

bootsycollins Thu 15-Aug-13 07:57:17

Remember that 90's song that goes "whoop there it is". My friend announced this post shag over a decade ago and is still cringing grin

I like saying "Finish him" in a Street Fighter voice and "Thar she blows" in a pirate voice.

This will out me totally be I cba to name change.

My now DP once (while wearing a glow in the dark condom) sang a Starwars parody of American Pie to me while dtd. I found it fucking hilarious.

He's also had mid sex dancing session to 'sexy and I know it' when my phone started to ring with that song. grin

I <3 his so much. smile

WandaDoff Thu 15-Aug-13 08:22:13

Actually LOLing at some of these grin

BinksToEnlightenment Thu 15-Aug-13 08:28:33

Once, during - DURING - sex, the guy stopped, sniffed the air and then announced "I think the cat just farted."

ArtisanLentilWeaver Thu 15-Aug-13 08:28:50

I had a lovely, very Withnail type friend who once staggered in demanding gin after suffering "A serious case of Post Coital Revulsion".

I think his ONS bed partner had asked to marry him. grin

Dontlookbehindyou Thu 15-Aug-13 08:35:50

Some gems I've had was, "thanks" "oh god I'm sorry it was your fault coz you're so sexy" (I'm not and its not my fail he lasted one pump) "you had better be pregnant this time I can't be bothered to do this again and again all the time", when attempting to manually finish me off "go on, do it for me, do it" repeatedly whispered in my ear every.fucking.time!
Yep you guessed it its all Dh lol when i used to visit him at his mums and when we lived with her immediately after sex he would get up go to the toilet and then go and have a chat with her, leaving me sat alone (usually to finish his half assed job) in the end I told him it was fucking creepy!

I slept with a guy once who on every stroke said "thank you" another who immediately got up and without a word passed me my clothes and locked himself in the bathroom, I just got dressed and left rather confused. Another who on the last stroke said "please don't tell my wife" sorry? THAT'S when you decide to tell me you're married!
One night stand who said after "you don't mind that I took the condom off half way through do you? I didn't like it" yes I did mind! Had to get the morning after pill, despite my moral objection and had to endure the humiliation of asking the gp to test for stds (all clear) he couldn't understand why it'd be a problem, apparently he often did it.
Oh and the guy who made monkey noises the whole way through sounded like he was dipping it in boiling water!

Now I sound like The village bike lol

Titsalina grin

Dontlookbehindyou Thu 15-Aug-13 08:41:02

No one could possibly have serious sex with a glow in the dark condom? It's like shagging a light sabre and means that Dh spends the part of sex that should be forplay waving his cock round in the dark making the light sabre noise, kind of kills the mood! I married a nerd lol

LEMisdisappointed Thu 15-Aug-13 08:45:28

After I told DP i was pregnant we DTD to, err, "celebrate" - He got up did some sort of iron man pose and said "i'm a man" hmm he was 40!

CerealMom Thu 15-Aug-13 08:48:03

When I was at uni in halls of residence there was a guy who liked to shout "you bitch" repeatedly as he came. Kind of killed my mood. Also, he liked to call round on the off chance, with condom in-situ...

Penniepitstop Thu 15-Aug-13 08:48:15

After the first time we had sex " I don't think we should see each other again". Fifteen years on we are still together and have been happily married for 9 grin

ducklady Thu 15-Aug-13 08:54:29

" what was your name again?" .
I married the knobber for 13 years

bonzo77 Thu 15-Aug-13 08:54:46

Thank you. Said by one ex after every shag. Pathetic.

But actually lots of men have said thank you. WTF is that? (Ignores fact that I've just admitted to sleeping with lots of men). I don't think I do anything that special, except put out pretty easily!

WidowWadman Thu 15-Aug-13 08:58:40

"I don't know about you, but I'm done, so I'm off to have a shower because my mate's coming over in 20 minutes. Here's one of my t-shirts you can use as a wank-aid, because it smells of me".

I'm still cringing 16 years later and frankly don't understand why I didn't kick him in the balls.

BoffinMum Thu 15-Aug-13 08:58:56

It's the complete arrogance of some of these that makes the mind boggle.

If only they knew how much better sex was for women ... grin

Chubfuddler Thu 15-Aug-13 09:00:36

Lots of men say thank you because they've grown up in a culture which tells them sex is something a man does to a woman, and ergo you have let me do this "to" you rather than it being something you did together.

It's the while women as gatekeepers thing at play and it depresses me

(Sorry to be serious on funny thread)

HotelTangoFoxtrotUniform Thu 15-Aug-13 09:17:38

A friend told me once, crying with laughter, about the chap who called out "Mummy, mummy" as he came.

I don't have any stories of my own to share, but thought that one was threadworthy.

vintagecakeisstillnice Thu 15-Aug-13 09:20:36

drink from my fountain

Hysterical...................

ColinButterfly Thu 15-Aug-13 09:28:40

Ah I'm in the mood for humiliating my EA ex so here goes...

Pre climax 'make it cry' <boak>
'Mummy'
Requests to bark at him

Pudden Thu 15-Aug-13 09:28:41

my ex who dashed out of bed after manually ..errr.. 'finishing' me off, saying "yuk!...I'm just going to wash this slime off my hands"

Git!

Dontlookbehindyou Thu 15-Aug-13 09:31:23

I once had a boyfriend when I was a teenage who finished, got up and wiped his cock on His bedroom curtains!
He was an ex immediately after!

Peachyjustpeachy Thu 15-Aug-13 09:39:41

I was on holiday and was 'romanced' by a waiter. I was with my friend and Enrique helpfully lined all the other waiters up so my friend could choose which one she wanted to share!shock

Then he got the keys to another apartment and we all went in. I said I didn't want to have sex because I was scared of getting pregnant.

He helpfully told me I could go to London for an abortioni......

To my shame I then shagged him....i have much more self respect now....but I'm guessing he could see what I was then sad

Longdistance Thu 15-Aug-13 09:41:03

I was told ' you're the biggest woman I've ever been with' I cordially dumped him soon after. shallow bastard

Fozziebearmum2be Thu 15-Aug-13 09:42:48

Bedroom curtains!! That's unbelievable! blush

ColinButterfly Thu 15-Aug-13 09:46:48

The actual funniest thing I laughed WITH rather than AT came from a woman.

EA ex wanted a threesome with me and a friend of ours. We were all up for it. The ex bottled it and we broke up not long after. Slept with the woman anyway. 'Well. That was better than with a man wanking in the corner'. Indeed.

Souredstones Thu 15-Aug-13 09:47:03

I had an ex who would roll over while saying "are you alright? Yeah? Cool" and promptly falling asleep before I could even answer and say "well actually you're shit"

I had another ex who, whilst I was giving him a bj, started moaning his best friends name...I stopped and walked out and left him to finish himself off and didn't go back. Which was a bit rude but I was young and, well, had the wrong anatomy clearly!!

MikeOxard Thu 15-Aug-13 09:52:51

Ew these stories make me never want to have sex again!

mignonette Thu 15-Aug-13 09:54:02

University partner who grasped the back of my head whilst rasping in his sex-voice "Kiss the boy, Kiss the boy"

No there was not a small child under the covers....

MikeOxard Thu 15-Aug-13 09:55:11

I can't remember anything really bad - I have been proposed to a couple of times afterwards though.

Fairyloo Thu 15-Aug-13 09:57:51

Milk it baby

A friend of mine had a boyfriend who would shout "'Ave it!" When he came... <vomface>

RippingYarns Thu 15-Aug-13 10:01:40

An ex said 'thank you, that was lovely' and then go on to explain how he used to be self conscious over the size of his penis but since he'd been able to father 2 children (neither with me) then it couldn't be so small after all.

Like I said.

Ex

Groovee Thu 15-Aug-13 10:02:50

The first time I slept with dh, he asked me how it had been! Well blush it had been a bit wham bam thank you mam for me! So I said "Pretty crap!" The poor man hunched over gutted as he'd not had much experience bar one girl who was happy for wham bam thank you man.

Thankfully 16 years on, he was very open to learning and it's pretty good now grin

SneakyNuts Thu 15-Aug-13 10:06:25

grin

Also, "you're the most attractive woman I've ever slept with"
Whilst I'm laying there in a sweaty, post-coital heap.

Another (I appreciate I sound like a bike)- after finishing, this bloke picked up his ringing phone to two giggling 18yr olds and told them all about what we'd just done....followed with, "yeah it was alright actually" hmm

LeGavrOrf Thu 15-Aug-13 10:16:36

"What's the score on tea?"

As in what are you cooking for my dinner?

I was with that twat for 7 years.

AppleYumYum Thu 15-Aug-13 10:33:23

From an ex after dtd and noticing in the dark a big dark patch on the sheets "It's not a wet patch, it's a blood bath" - discovered I had cervical erosion afterwards, was not pretty, I was mortified!

enialenagem Thu 15-Aug-13 10:35:17

'Actually I don't think we should get back together' - he was a dick

maras2 Thu 15-Aug-13 10:36:56

Not so much what he said but what DH hummed.After the usual tongue and finger mallarkey,I said that I'd read that humming against the clitoris was 'a sensation like no other'.This was 1969 and no R.Rabbits invented.DH,then aged 19 and up for anything gets right down to it and proceeds to loudly hum the tune to the Sooty show against said clitoris.He was most put out when I squealed and laughed somewhat hysterically and his mum wanted to Know why so much noise when we were playing Monopoly.44 years on,it's still Our Tune.

Wow - that's one for the wank bank!

Cockadoodlemoo Thu 15-Aug-13 10:59:04

"Not bad, but it wasn't that tight for a virgin" shockshock
Part of me wishes I could relive that moment (after, not the actual terrible just-about-sex), as I think I could muster a better response now than just gauping after him in stunned silence as he left.

Another namechange coming right on....

SneakyNuts Thu 15-Aug-13 11:10:31

Cock

I misread "gauping after him"...

Cockadoodlemoo Thu 15-Aug-13 11:18:47

BAHAHAHA! gringringrin

Thanks Sneakygrin. I think you might've forever changed the memory of that awful night into something which makes me laugh rather than mentally slap myself.

If I wasn't going to namechange before....

DYING @ fountain!

Before one of my exes started to go down on me he would spend about 10 minutes kissing up my thigh... And in between each kiss he'd give me some kind of compliment...

Kiss.. Gorgeous.. Kiss.. Beautiful.. Kiss.. Amazing..

Oh and he'd look up at me and smile, I found it so cringey!

Same guy would refer to oral sex as a "widdle kiss" as in "pwease can I have one? Just one little widdle kiss?" Uggghhhhhh!

DH once turned to me immediately after dtd and said "thank you farmers wife" a la Jonny Rotten in the country life butter advert grin
He also got halfway through yelling "I am Megatron leader of the..." before I whalloped him on the arse and gave him the look.
I loves my dude I does smile

"I need to buy a sponge." Just a random thought that popped into his head, apparently.

RippingYarns Thu 15-Aug-13 12:04:51

<crying at the Sooty music>

Mynewmoniker Thu 15-Aug-13 12:15:12

OHHHHHH!!!! I can't remember the sooty music! How did it go now? angry

YoniBottsBumgina Thu 15-Aug-13 12:15:25

Thanks is always eurgh. I had a thing with this guy once who always said thank you and I had to tell him to stop it because it made me feel like I was doing him a favour! confused I'm not entirely sure but I think I might have had to train DP out of this habit too...

SneakyNuts Thu 15-Aug-13 12:21:24

You're welcome Cock grin even abbreviating your name is making me chuckle, time for a coffee I think!

Sayitdontsprayit Thu 15-Aug-13 12:28:52

Being slapped on the ass and being called a bad boy! ROFL, however, it was hilarious. He was mortified.

Nancy66 Thu 15-Aug-13 12:34:17

Drink from my fountain is the best....

Not after sex but during: 'Call me "daddy" '

I didn't and we never saw each other again. Shudder.

UnitedZingDom Thu 15-Aug-13 12:39:51

may mention pre-sex phrases? my DH does invite me sometimes by saying :" do you want some babygravy?" grin
so romantic. I tend to decline.

Chopsypie Thu 15-Aug-13 12:43:55

'Do you mind if I fart?'

Ladies, I married him

Something I said that became a regular occurence for sex with ex.

He was very into trucks/lorries (family members were lorry drivers) and in convo one night in the pub I said "Bet you'd like to yell out 'Scania' at the erm...peak moment" and we giggled.

Of course that night, after drunken DTD, I yelled out "Scania" (marque of truck) and we collapsed laughing. And every time after that, he yelled it out.

We didn't stay together very long after thatn (not related) but I wonder did he yell it out with subsequent gfs? Can you imagine that happening with no warning?!

HeirToTheIronThrone Thu 15-Aug-13 12:45:18

My friend once had a guy who did a NASA-style countdown to when he was going to come. Every time...

UnitedZingDom Thu 15-Aug-13 12:48:34

heir now that is my favourite! grin

Doodlecockaquack Thu 15-Aug-13 12:51:44

I've My sister has had a cuppa and I'm she's still chuckling Sneaky. grin It's a good few years on but it's very theraputic!

Some of these are shock I do love my nice normal boring husband!

ImNotBloody14 Thu 15-Aug-13 13:02:40

I think a lot of these are prime candidates for the "its ok not to talk" disclaimer grin

I once had sex with a guy who kept saying
"Big tits- big tits-big tits"
Made me feel nice and paranoid :-)

mirry2 Thu 15-Aug-13 13:14:37

Whenever we started to dtd my ex would say 'I'm going to pump and pump until I squirt'. Eww...made me feel ill but I put up with it for a few weeks before telling him I really didn't like him saying it. Relationship didn't last very long. He also used to thank me, as if I was doing him a favour.

TrinityRhino Thu 15-Aug-13 13:19:28

An ex used to say 'thankyou so much' and then 'I'm sorry'

I was his second sexual partner and he had zero confidence in anything at all

he also came in literally 15 secs of penetration so I'm guessing that is what the sorry was for

PennieLane Thu 15-Aug-13 13:27:51

Remember that song 'do you really like it, is it is it wicked, I'm loving loving loving it'? (cant remember 'artist' for want of better word!) my friends ONS sang that whole song while DTD, over and over, and then shouted the chorus when he came confused

ColinButterfly Thu 15-Aug-13 13:41:44

pennielane Tell me he didn't include the line 'bass is kicking, drums is drumming, when you hear d-d-d- i'm coming'

That's just bonkers!

LazyFaire Thu 15-Aug-13 14:00:43

I did get 'You're so tight' once, obviously meant to be a compliment, but I wasn't so much tight as dry as a bone... Foreplay had obviously never crossed his mind!

happyinherts Thu 15-Aug-13 14:20:11

first time wicked sex with very attractive new partner - immediately upon doing the deed he says (recovering) "Crikey, you're the first I've had no feelings for"

If he had been 16 I wouldn't have minded. He was 51. Like an idiot I smiled sweetly and said it was fine. It wasn't. I could have burst nto tears but that's not dignified, so it got swept under carpet. Should have thrown his clothes out of window and told him to go and get them.

Relationship did not last - two years later he said "I've been talking out of (male appendage) and disppeared off the planet.

Sheshelob Thu 15-Aug-13 14:21:10

"Interesting. It seems, when I squeeze your bottom, my penis gets hard, much like a pump."

It was like busting Mr Spock's virginity. And he wasn't even a virgin.

WitchyLeaks Thu 15-Aug-13 14:28:09

Sooty theme. Great thread grin

happygirl87 Thu 15-Aug-13 17:05:27

I am loving these, esp fountain grin I have a friend whose OH used to say "plug me in" at the start of DTD confused.

DP and I have always talked about the scene in Bridget Jones' Diary, where Hugh Grant asks if it's true that Colin Firth always says at the crucial moment (in a v. poker faced manner) "I'm-sorry-but-I-think-I'm-going-to-come"- DP says he's going to try to do that, and I always say that if he's thinking of Hugh Grant at that point it's a sign that the relationship has run its course!

(Warning, poss. triggering) STBEx used to like to say "I'm raping you and giving you AIDs" as he came.....I was 16. So so so glad I'm with my lovely DP now, not him!

UnitedZingDom Thu 15-Aug-13 17:06:19

cake anyone?

CruCru Thu 15-Aug-13 17:45:19

Not after sex but my ex used to ask me for a blowjob in a baby voice. That was gross.

Also, he would sort of tilt his pelvis towards my mouth in a hopeful manner. That was also gross.

Why on earth did I stay with him so long?

BoffinMum Thu 15-Aug-13 18:18:07

I probably shouldn't share this, but once DP stopped, put a cloud pressure machine on for a laugh, and measured how high his BP went whilst subsequently climaxing. It went VERY high. I think that's probably something you can only do with a life partner really grin

BoffinMum Thu 15-Aug-13 18:18:19

Blood pressure

ImNotBloody14 Thu 15-Aug-13 18:23:13

BOF! grin that's brilliant- what was his BP?

ImNotBloody14 Thu 15-Aug-13 18:24:03

whoops!! not BOF blush boffinmum sorry!

PunkHedgehog Thu 15-Aug-13 18:34:34

Note to self: get blood pressure machine

SnookyPooky Thu 15-Aug-13 18:45:25

A beautiful Greek god, just getting hot and he says "Snooky I don't have plastic". He meant condom, bless....

WhoreOfTheWorlds Thu 15-Aug-13 18:47:45

My first ever time with my older boyfriend but who was equally inexperienced

Him: 'I'm not sure if it's in?'
Me: 'Neither am I'

The sex never got any better.

WhoreOfTheWorlds Thu 15-Aug-13 18:50:36

The same boyfriend never lasted longer than about 30 seconds and just before he came he would mutter 'No wait wait, don't move don't move, wait hold still, hold still, oh damn too late' Every single time.

OH once declared that "that was squelchy!" immediately after, once.

Urgh.

One guy I'd fancied since school, we met up when I was single and although I no longer liked him I decided to shag him anyway.

Afterwards he goes, do you wAnt a towel I keep one here just in case... Then pulled a hand towel from under his pillow.

We'd used a condom and I was as dry as a cream cracker as it lasted a minute? confused

Mynewmoniker Thu 15-Aug-13 19:06:34

Thanks WitchyLeaks for the Sooty theme tune. I was going mental there. grin

<goes off to find kazoo>

cannotfuckingbelievethis Thu 15-Aug-13 19:25:37

This thread is brilliant.

My Aunt (who'd been separated from EXH for about 10 yrs) got drunk one night and slept with her friend's brother. She said just as they were getting down to it he declared "I'M GONNA RIP YOU A NEW PUSSY !" She somehow managed to keep a straight face and left shortly afterwards - pussy intact....

When DH and I were just dating, he turned up on my doorstep very early one Sunday morning apparently still drunk. We went upstairs but he seemed very weird and kept on asking me to bite his cock as I was giving him a bj. "Bite it ! Bite it! Harder !" he was shouting as I munched away like a starving dog on a tin of Chum. Then as he came he declared "SUUUUUPPPPPEEERRRRBBBBBBB!"

Turned out one of the fucking clowns he was out with decided it would be funny to put an E in his beer.....

MissStrawberry Thu 15-Aug-13 19:31:47

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SneakyNuts Thu 15-Aug-13 19:35:17

"like a starving dog on a tin of Chum"

I can't breathe!!!

CominThroughTheWry Thu 15-Aug-13 20:13:58

My lovely ex used to say, "Don't speak and don't touch me, I need to concentrate" hmm

And my all time favourite - when we first had sex, it would appear I don't have porn perfect bits or summat - "Are you sure you haven't had a sex change?"

Yes I am actually. I am very sure. Twunt.

Pixielady83 Thu 15-Aug-13 20:46:19

An ex, responding to my confusion about what on earth he was doing, 'let's just see what hole it goes in shall we?'

I said, er, let's just stick to the usual shall we? I was young and eager to please so apologised afterwards. Now I wish I had slapped the fecker and dumped him there and then.

Dontlookbehindyou Thu 15-Aug-13 20:48:13

I've just remembered a couple of comments that are so ingrained into our sex life that I don't even notice them.
"Don't move" and afterwards "did you come" I'm pretty sure he would've known if I had and to be blunt I can count on one hand the amount of times I have done, I always just say "mmm yes lots" I've given up on him lol, good job I love him.

Chum woman, Sooty, Fountain dude, I am crying with laughter, crying gringringringringrin

StillPukin Thu 15-Aug-13 21:05:26

DH: Reaches under the bed and pulls out a gadget...... "Put your thumbs on this bit here and let me check your body fat measurement"

(Notice he waited until afterwards)

ggrrrr...!! hmm

thingamajig Thu 15-Aug-13 21:11:08

After having sex, he asked me, "Have you ever done this before?"

Erm, yes... Admittedly only once, but I have.

WITH YOU!

LozzaCro Thu 15-Aug-13 21:11:13

Cant breathe here!! Some of these are fantastic. Actually sad that I am on the last page!

No where hear as good but my ex used to talk ALOT and expect lots of dirty talk back. I soon found out that whispering in his ear managed to get him to complete within about 30 seconds. I once whispered;
'Hurry the fuck up you dirty basta...'
'Eurrrrghhhhh. That was amazing.'

Didn't last long. Much like the sex.

LottieJenkins Thu 15-Aug-13 21:42:21

Bumbledog has been giving me very funny looks as I keep laughing.
The cat farting one made me laugh most of all!!!

JaffaMyCake Thu 15-Aug-13 21:47:33

"Take the cream" whilst coming. hmm

delboysfileofax Thu 15-Aug-13 22:00:17

A friend of mine took home the sort of women it doesn't take work to get into bed if you see what I mean,
after they had finished, she laughed and said "well how was your first threesome?" obviously he was confused, until she told him she was pregnant so technically it was a threesome! shock

Alconleigh Thu 15-Aug-13 22:03:49

had a scorching hot although inappropriate one nighter when recently out of long term relationship. Afterthe deed, he declared "I thought that would be shit as you said you've only had sex with one person in the last 7 years, but it was excellent, well done".
To be fair I roared, but still not clear why he thought one partner in the last few years Would mean no skills.

LazyFaire Thu 15-Aug-13 22:05:35

OMG

Possibly the worst thing ever to admit...

at a friends house age 16, sleeping on floor with DP and everyone was asleep on various sofas around us... trying very hard to be quiet...

Friend shock says "You're not doing it right, she's not screaming."

Definite mood killer. blush

ImNotBloody14 Thu 15-Aug-13 22:27:38

my best friend had sex (well, that was what he called it) with a man that lasted literally ten seconds, then he rolled over and in shock she started to get dressed to leave and he said "alright, my man's ready to go again. will you suck us off?" she said she burst out laughing and walked out.

A fling whilst removing the condom, dangled it close to my face and said 'fucking hell look how much jis is in there, my balls must have been full'! confused

Absolute charmer!

bootsycollins Thu 15-Aug-13 23:59:34

Alcon you didn't shag Alan Partridge did you? grin

Arf at the NASA style countdown grin

DIddled Fri 16-Aug-13 00:13:16

I have had a few wees with laughter here. I can't claim that many of my own other than on a related subject a bloke I once had a ONS with told his mate that during the act I said he had ' a lovely knob'!! The mere mention of that phrase still has me and my mates in fits- 20 years on. My friend can claim 'Good girl' which someone else has already mentioned but what about ' you will never understand the miracle that you truly are' - all I can say is she must have been good smile

DIddled Fri 16-Aug-13 00:14:50

I should mention that ' a lovely knob' is a phrase that would never pass my lips!!

DIddled Fri 16-Aug-13 00:18:38

Jesus just read the Sooty post- I used to love that show but I'm not sure I'm gonna be able to watch it again!!!!

Junebugjr Fri 16-Aug-13 00:37:01

I've laughed and laughed at these, can't believe how many weirdos there are out there.

I once pulled an absolute beauty, everyone fancied him although strangely he'd never had a long term or even short term girlfriend..... After a suitable amount of time, in order to seem like a 'nice girl', I decided to sleep with him. After a brief snog, he went straight into boring tiresome shagging, then proceeded to lick my ear during the whole thing while whispering in my ear 'Pretend its your fanny'.... After the hundredth time of having this muttered to me, I ended up in hysterics, and had to leave him high and dry so to speak. Obviously being 19, I told all my friends, and we all had a jolly old summer taking the piss.

Alisvolatpropiis Fri 16-Aug-13 00:43:06

After having sex for the time the boy in question dropped me home. I received a text "I'm getting back with my ex so it's probably best you don't contact me for a while" about 5 minutes after I'd got in the house. I handled it quite well given the circumstances. I didn't reply not speak to him for around 2 years.

Another ex told me after I'd spent a thankless half hour giving him a blow job "next time don't over complicate it,let me do the work". So basically he wanted to fuck my face. It was one of many nails in the coffin of that short lived relationship.

TwoStepsBeyond Fri 16-Aug-13 00:46:51

"These condoms aren't bad, you can hardly tell you're wearing them". Needless to say, by that point he wasn't, having ripped a big hole in the end. 9 months later, DS1 arrived.

GiddyStars Fri 16-Aug-13 07:15:17

These had me in absolute stitches last night, I woke DH up because I was shaking the bed with mirth will never be able to hear the word fountain in an innocent situation again

I'll stick to funny ones rather than worst as this is a such a hilarious thread.

I've had 'thank you' and 'good girl' a lot. Also there was the guy who would take AN AGE removing and folding his clothes before sex. He would go and find spare hangers in my wardrobe and actually hang his clothes up in there (we were casual) but honestly, I had nearly gone off it by the time he was ready. He would also enquire if I had managed to 'squeeze an orgasm out yet?' which I though was a bit hmm no mate you'd be able to tell He said say I was divine though <preens>

I was giving a BJ to another and he kept instructing 'suck' and 'wank' alternately. Now I don't mind some helpful pointers but this was literally the entire time, I ended up feeling like some kind of nodding dog / puppet.

The funniest was a bloke who was too old to be so fond of a few lines of coke with his sex. I can only assume this drug addled state is what encouraged him to whisper '"I will take you travelling to India and we will fuck wearing nothing but sari's" in what he must have thought was a seductive manner. I was hmm and grin He told me that night (the first time we dtd) that he loved me too! I only shagged him once more.

Jesus at fucking in Saris that's brilliant lol

BoffinMum Fri 16-Aug-13 07:36:10

Imnot, the sort of level where out of the bedroom you'd go to A and E! Can't remember exactly, will surreptitiously inquire.

ElBombero Fri 16-Aug-13 07:44:29

"I want this on the regular"

No joke.

Cocky bastard, needless to say I never saw him again.

JeanBodel Fri 16-Aug-13 07:45:08

This is one for the geeks.

When I was a student I was into D & D games (that's Dungeons and Dragons).

One male member of the group apparently shouted, at the point of climax, 'Quad impale!'.

FrankSpenser Fri 16-Aug-13 11:33:16

TwoStepsBeyond: [shock

FrankSpenser Fri 16-Aug-13 11:33:30

Fuck!

TwoStepsBeyond Fri 16-Aug-13 14:22:54

Don't worry, it was an accident Frank (when I say "ripped" I mean 'forced' IYSWIM!) and he was also my DH at the time, so not as bad as it could have been!

FrankSpenser Fri 16-Aug-13 20:41:57

I'm happy to hear this, TwoSteps. All kinds of scenarios were running through my mind from your post.

I can relax now! grin

eccentrica Fri 16-Aug-13 21:44:04

I once had a bloke stop during sex so that he could give me a 'surprise'. Thought it might be a vibrator or something. He reappeared wearing a tiger mask...

mousebacon Fri 16-Aug-13 22:08:14

That is awesome eccentrica grin

UterusUterusGhali Fri 16-Aug-13 22:27:43

"I spunked on the bible"

We were in a hotel and he'd pulled out to come. grin

lackingimagination Fri 16-Aug-13 23:08:05

DP once turned to me and said 'Did you..' and then stopped himself and looked away. I was confused and said 'what? Did I what?' And then he started laughing uncontrollably. He confessed he was about to say 'Did you put the bin out?' !! He had no idea where it had come from or why it had crossed his mind!

MrsWelly Fri 16-Aug-13 23:20:10

I fell asleep once while ex shag-buddy and I were having a five minute break from shagging. I was VERY tired. Gawd love him he left me to it for a bit then woke me up by muttering "ERM...I really need to do something with...this...and I would very much like you to be a part of it!" I obliged, since he was so polite!

NachoAddict Fri 16-Aug-13 23:21:03

Tiger mask wtf.

I may have to try that.

I was waiting anxiously to see if anyone had crossed paths with my old boss. Whilst having sec he would.say, who's the master.

MrsWelly Fri 16-Aug-13 23:30:26

Just remembered, the first time with the aforementioned bloke. We had met online, been out for a drink and the chemistry was instant, we got on like a house on fire. He was in a bad place emotionally and warned me he was no good for me. Fortunately I was just out of an awful relationship and just wanted to have fun without getting serious. He insisted it was a bad idea so I said since we got on so well maybe we could just hang out and be friends. He came over one night, brought me cake and wine and we watched silly movies. I seduced him, and the last thing he said to me before I got his shirt off was "I'm definitely not having sex with you". When he finished (well, WE finished, he was very good about that) he grinned "yup, totally not having sex with you, at all!" and then burst out laughing. Which set me off so we were both lying there starkers, cackling like hyenas. Every time I looked at him I laughed more, his hair was all sticking up from the sweat and me running my fingers through it, and he looked somewhat dazed...

ImNotBloody14 Fri 16-Aug-13 23:46:03

"I was waiting anxiously to see if anyone had crossed paths with my old boss. Whilst having sec he would.say, who's the master."

how do you know that? grin

TeamSouthfields Fri 16-Aug-13 23:48:43

I asked him 'is it in yet' and he said 'iv finished' .... Gods honest truth

Darkesteyes Sat 17-Aug-13 01:17:04

Nice bit of slut shaming there Delboysfilofax hmm

joanofarchitrave Sat 17-Aug-13 01:39:33

Almost lost it @ tiger mask grin

VonHerrBurton Sat 17-Aug-13 02:59:29

Add me to the 'thank you' list!

Also had a 'lets get this little fucker in there shall we' followed quickly upon realisation by 'i mean big one, big fucker, lets get this big fucker in there' Jesus, just get on with it...

It was the smallest penis known to wo/man. Like a little finger. Eugh.

'Ron Dixon's got a new car'

<<glares at dp>> hmm

delboysfileofax Sat 17-Aug-13 07:19:43

And how exactly is that "slut shaming" darkesteyes? So funny stories about males with regard to sex are just fine and dandy but we can't mention ones about females?

Pinkdaisy4 Sat 17-Aug-13 07:20:06

Once a guy I was seeing asked if he could call me " mummy" while I was giving him head...wtaf?????????

I got dressed in record time and legged it!!!!

LEMisdisappointed Sat 17-Aug-13 07:28:49

Delboy it was the description vof her as the sort of wonan that isn't hard to get into bed - just say one night stand

tanfastic Sat 17-Aug-13 07:31:40

Jesus, some of these are making me howl grin

Another one here with an ex who liked to say "clever girl", "good girl", "just turn around that way, there's a good girl". confused<vomit>. I'm not a fucking poodle you prick!

Fancied this guy for ages as well and went off him in about 20 seconds.

cannotfuckingbelievethis Sat 17-Aug-13 07:54:13

Still getting laughs from this thread....

Yet another time I was giving DH a bj whilst kids television was on in the background. All I remember is the theme tune from Johnny Briggs coming on and before I knew it I was playing his member like a trumpet. Don't know what came over me.....

Just to help you picture the scene..

www.youtube.com/watch?v=lP5u8b1L9LA

cannotfuckingbelievethis Sat 17-Aug-13 08:02:10

I was also offered some "brown love" which I hopefully thought would involve my body and a giant tub of Nutella. Unfortunately this was his pet name for anal sex.....

Awks Sat 17-Aug-13 08:09:30

A friend of mine told me that an ex obviously said it was like "throwing a sausage up Westborough". Lovely chap he was.

NachoAddict Sat 17-Aug-13 08:49:23

i'mnotbloody I may have succumbed to his charms as a teenager...

I just, said erm you?

missalien Sat 17-Aug-13 09:22:05

Geronimoooooo!

That is all.

I've got one that my DP told me. He was shagging his ex doggy style when a stream of fanny farts began. She turned round and said
my foofoo is blowing you kisses

Pahaha.

Oh sad I killed the thread.

weirdthing Sat 17-Aug-13 11:16:11

Haha that is excellent AKissIsNotAContract. I want to say that at some point in my life smile

ImNotBloody14 Sat 17-Aug-13 11:25:19

grin grin grin @ "my foofoo is blowing you kisses" grin

naughty nacho grin

agree darkesteyes

internationallove985 Sat 17-Aug-13 11:25:35

Ha ha drink from my fountain (love that one). I once had a guy call me a nyphmaniac during a O.N.S, to which I replied "You're not complaining are you. Although I did pounce on him 3 times, but like I said he wasn't complaining. xxx

NoelHeadbands Sat 17-Aug-13 11:52:33

"Are you sure you haven't had a sex change?"

Sorry but that really made me laugh. And the tiger mask grin

NoelHeadbands Sat 17-Aug-13 12:01:02

My friend once had a ONS, as they were getting into it he pulled back, lay with his hands behind his head, and gave the command

"Dance for me"

AND SHE DID. No idea what possessed her, she felt like a right twat. I'd have been tempted to give him my best Funky Chicken, or a bit of Tap.

FuntClaps69 Sat 17-Aug-13 12:29:15

God this is hilarious, I've nominated it for classics!

I had one start snoring as he had fallen asleep mid way through....

FrigginRexManningDay Sat 17-Aug-13 13:27:16

I have none but my friend who's a man had a ONS once and was asked to punch her pussy with his cock. It kind of killed the mood for him.

CleverWittyUsername Sat 17-Aug-13 13:36:53

First day posting on MN, but hey ho, may as well jumpe right in.

My DP once said 'boom goes the dynamite' after we saw Cleveland Brown say that. We both just pissed ourselves for ages.

mignonette Sat 17-Aug-13 14:00:37

grin @ Clever. I like happy laughing sex.

CrazyHamsterdisguisedasatree Sat 17-Aug-13 15:55:06

The thought of somebody doing the Funky Chicken stark naked while the bloke lays their expectin soemthing seductive has me in stitches grin

Darkesteyes Sat 17-Aug-13 17:33:03

It was this comment i took exception to.
It certainly explains some of your viewpoints youve posted on the Feminism board in the past.

delboysfileofaxThu 15-Aug-13 22:00:17

A friend of mine took home the sort of women it doesn't take work to get into bed if you see what I mean,

Groovee Sat 17-Aug-13 17:52:08

There was one night I moaned a sexy moan and dh says "God that is a turn on!" So I moaned again and next thing we were in fits of laughter while trying to still go with the moment. I can't even remember if either of us climaxed that night but we couldn't stop laughing.

fuzzpig Sat 17-Aug-13 18:04:33

This thread reminds me of a bit Ross Noble did in one of his shows about shouting "SHOW ME WHERE YER MOTHER LIVES!!!" during orgasm grin

RabbitIssue Sat 17-Aug-13 18:30:29

Darkesteyes - I'm with you, shame a funny thread got a grim post like that angry

YouMakeMeWannaLaLa Sat 17-Aug-13 20:41:18

I did once get 'are you one of those girls that can't come' hmm

Nah mate yer just shit.

I found out an ex had told him there are certain women that are unable to orgasm, like her. I think she just said it to stop him trying; he was eager but dreadful and thought stabbing at it with a finger (like he was punching in a telephone number) for 5 seconds would do it.

Another bloke used to burp just after he came...grim. Grimmer when he'd had garlic sauce on his kebab (no, that's not a euphemism).

delboysfileofax Sat 17-Aug-13 21:03:51

Apart from once by accident (and by no means anything controversial) I have never posted on the feminist forum darkesteyes. You are clearly mistaking me for someone else.

Dontlookbehindyou Sat 17-Aug-13 21:27:46

No fair mumsnet! Putting the admittedly brill thread into classics means my admittance of slut tendencies won't be deleted in 90days! blush

BoffinMum Sat 17-Aug-13 23:27:42

Yikes, not classics, please!

ZingWantsCake Sun 18-Aug-13 01:17:43

dontlook

I'd thought this might happen, so was very careful with my posting! wink

time for a NC? grin

SybilRamkin Sun 18-Aug-13 19:24:27

Not after sex, but during sex DH and I somehow managed to develop the hiccups simultaneously. You can't imagine how hilarious it is to hear "oh...hic...yes, ugh...hic..." etc. We had to stop in the end because we couldn't stop pissing ourselves laughing.

SisterMonicaJoan Sun 18-Aug-13 20:52:58

With an ex-p. Half way through sex, without stopping he said "did you hear that Joe Strummer is dead".

He was pretty rubbish in bed anyway (had watched too much porn) but at least that time I managed to catch up on what was in news hmm

poster SisterMonicaJoan at least that time I managed to catch up on what was in the news for some reason that made me think of Reggie Bosanquet and the ten o'cock bongs.

ffs o'clock, freudian slip. Actually could you imagine a different headline every few seconds and the a "and finally". grin

Dontlookbehindyou Mon 19-Aug-13 07:06:40

zing I only just name changed after venturing too close to aibu I'll just stay with it lol

SisterMonicaJoan Mon 19-Aug-13 15:40:53

o'cock grin freudian slip indeed!!

Tbh, he could have read out the shipping forecast as well, boring as it was!

PedantMarina Mon 19-Aug-13 16:18:21

OK, who's going to be the first of us to namechange to "DrinkFromMyFountain"?....

NachoAddict Mon 19-Aug-13 20:31:56

I have to admit that I was mega disappointed that after my fellatio efforts last night dp failed to say drink from my fountain.

That was the only reason I bothered!

DIddled Wed 28-Aug-13 22:07:26

Please think up some more, I need cheering up!!! 'Dance for me' has particularly amused me!!!

MamaMary Wed 28-Aug-13 22:36:43

Love the 'surprise' of the tiger mask grin

Kendodd Wed 28-Aug-13 23:40:50

H once leaned over and threw up straight afterwards.

A friend of mine, about 25 years ago, had crabs, he was meeting this bloke he really liked, brought him home for sex and told me he had handed this poor man a bottle of lotion straight afterwards with the advice "rub it on all over, leave it on for 24 hours and you should be ok". So he said anyway.

TwoStepsBeyond Thu 29-Aug-13 10:38:08

Nacho, I asked DP to say "drink from my fountain" the other night, we both ended up in fits of giggles, but he couldn't bring himself to say it! One day...

BogStandardOldWoman Thu 29-Aug-13 15:55:18

'Yes! Squeeze my balls!' Squeeze?!

moanymandy Thu 29-Aug-13 16:08:49

I was once giving now dh a bj, just at the crucial moment as he came I gagged and puked in my mouth! shock I had to run to the bathroom!
dh was a little wtf but we had a good laugh about it! we have been together too long to worry about things like thay!grin

eden263 Sat 26-Oct-13 04:30:37

'Drink from my fountain!' Holy cow! That's the best/worst!

Nothing too bad after, but one BF, the first time we slept together, he was going down there and said 'Eyes down for a full house'! Luckily I didn't hear/register it, but he later confessed, in absolute shame and disgust at himself, that he'd said it. One of those weird moments of awkwardness where your mouth takes on a mind of its own!

ForwardSheCried Sat 26-Oct-13 05:46:17

One bloke I went out with, years before I met my fiance, used to scream ''ORGASM!!!!'' at me at regular intervals when we were at it. This was not a good way of getting me there on command, or at all, really.

Needless to say, that relationship didn't last long at all.

eden263 Sat 26-Oct-13 15:42:33

Loving reading through all these. Have just remembered my own classic. I was 18 & had just DTD for the first time. He finished & I actually said 'was that it?' ROFL! We were together for 9 years & it never got any better either!

eden263 Sat 26-Oct-13 15:48:24

Oh, and another one. Same ex said, after the 3rd or 4th time, 'That was better, I actually imagined I was doing it with you that time.'

Ouch!

ilovemybum Thu 31-Oct-13 23:47:49

Not me but my best mate.

She had liked this older man for ages and they were always flirting with each other. This went on for years until she finally got the opportunity to take him home. They were DTD and he proudly says 'my penis is in you right now' grin she never looked at him in the same way!

Anothermrssmith Fri 01-Nov-13 20:25:40

I have literally just choked with laughter! Actually a bit gutted I have nothing to add (though did once get 'condoms still up there' but that's nothing compared to some of these!)

Stellarpunk Sat 02-Nov-13 19:25:58

I was told this one by an old boss who ran a pub who was renowned for his practical jokes.

One night whilst him and his long married DW was in bed he started scratching himself before loudly proclaiming 'Gladys! Gladys! I think I've got crabs'. Before she could utter a word, she found a (thankfully) dead crab sailing towards her.

Made me laugh. She was a good sport.

LittleAprilShowers Sun 10-Nov-13 20:42:55

Not after sex but regarding sex.

A few weeks ago I went down to the living room in the morning with DD, and switched TV on. babestation had been on (weird channel where naked women thrust at the camera while apparently speaking on the phone to dirty pervs). DH sometimes watches it on a night time, which I don't really mind as it means he isn't bothering me for sex lol and I have been known to like alone time too.

However on this occasion I asked him to change the channel before he came up to bed as I don't want DD seeing it in the morning.

We talked about it for a bit and he said he doesn't really wank to it but he likes to "watch it so he can get in a horny mood before he comes to have sex with me". His face dropped when he realised what he said, apparently he didn't mean it like that he just worded it wrong.

Twat is still paying for this mistake.

YoniGetAnOohWithTyphoo Sun 10-Nov-13 21:19:54

'I thought you were joking about this being your first time, that's why I answered my phone during' oh well that's alright then angry

BritishGal Wed 05-Mar-14 00:07:55

I had "Mmmm.....yeah......my spunk is really boiling now......" Once. <boak>

IthoughtATMwasacashpoint Fri 07-Mar-14 16:56:16

Not actually during sex but (rather optimistically) in the pub on a first date.

When we get home I want you to ride me like a rodeo cowboy. Look deep into my eyes and show me how much you want me.

Ermm yeehaw and adios

YoureAShoe Wed 12-Mar-14 18:38:26

First time I ever dtd I was the second person he'd had sex with after a years break. Once we'd finished he said "it's not as good as I remember it" shockshockshock
He later apologised and said he meant it's nerve wracking the first time with someone and that he forgot the first time is never the best!
We're now engaged! grin

Aoifebelle Sun 23-Mar-14 13:09:59

A friend of a friend was at a hen do in Dublin. She pulled. Apparently the dude was a pleaser, started with some foreplay. She looks down as he was giving her oral pleasure and says " none of that mucking about now, just horse it in there". This is now a well used phrase as in "How much sugar do you want?" "Oh, just horse it in there". Shit laughing every time. Try it.

Aoifebelle Sun 23-Mar-14 13:13:41

Oh forgot to say must be rendered in rural northern Irish accent for full effect.

scarffiend Thu 03-Jul-14 21:55:41

'I don't know why, but I find you really attractive!' From the possessor of the smallest penis I have ever encountered (when lying on my palm it barely made it far enough to stretch to the other side of the palm. And thin). At that point my school girl crush that had lasted 10+ years withered and died.

Ladyfoxglove Fri 04-Jul-14 23:08:05

An ex used to say "Oops" when he came. occasionally he'd go as far as to say "Oh dear."

He kept his eyes open when kissing too. Completely passion-free.

sourdrawers Thu 16-Oct-14 13:18:23

I slept with a bloke once who grunted "luvely" every time he thrusted. With an extra long, loud one at the end obviously.

mrspremise Sun 19-Oct-14 22:10:46

<said while stroking my boobs> "Aw, you're just like a camel...". First I pissed myself laughing, then I married him grin

callamia Sun 19-Oct-14 22:14:13

"Are you going to ask me my name?"

In my defence, I did know - I'd heard one of his friends call him by his name. He was lovely, and I saw him a few times again. wistful for lost youth

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