hey kids, let me tell you a little secret, love Mum...

(311 Posts)
ImTooHecsyForYourParty Sun 28-Jul-13 16:16:16

I hear you, you hate carrots, they're yucky yucky yucky andyou never want to have them.

That cheesey mash I make that you love so much? It aint that colour cos of cheese. IIt's that colour because it's 50% carrot.

You always ask for seconds,

While I have your attention, that crazy frog toy didn't break. I took out the batteries before I went stark raving mad.

BlackeyedSusan Sun 28-Jul-13 16:20:39


with that evil genius you will have enough money for that house soon enough. (also bored and avoiding tidying the kitchen)

Pagwatch Sun 28-Jul-13 16:20:54

Yes indeed.

'pork chicken, steak chicken, tuna chicken? No chicken in any of them. Ha!'

Calamares? No, not actually flowers. Squid. You have eaten it 100 times. It's really, really not flowers. What do they teach you at school?

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Sun 28-Jul-13 16:21:29


Anything you would like to confess, while you're here?

AmandaPandtheTantrumofDoom Sun 28-Jul-13 16:21:50

DD's, I know you don't want to go to bed. I know, I understand. It's still light outside. But Mummy is just going to do boring jobs while you are asleep so you aren't missing anything.

No I'm not, I'm going to watch old episodes of the West Wing and eat chocolate. Now I know you wouldn't be worried about the former, but you'd be very cross about the latter.

Also, that toy car that beeped and mysteriously broke. It wasn't a mystery. I dropped it in the washing up when trying to do too many things at once and failed to fess up.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Sun 28-Jul-13 16:22:05

Xpost pag.

My kind of cooking!

NatashaBee Sun 28-Jul-13 16:24:35


Pagwatch Sun 28-Jul-13 16:25:16


Hehe, I'll just be sat quietly over here taking notes!

How can you pass squid off as flowers?

AmandaPandtheTantrumofDoom Sun 28-Jul-13 16:26:58

Oh, and that pasta sauce you love that's just tomato. It's not, it has your most hated vegetables - courgette and pepper. Plus carrot and onion. I just blend it a lot.

MoominsYonisAreScary Sun 28-Jul-13 16:27:13

grin at squid being flowers

CalpolInMyEar Sun 28-Jul-13 16:28:22

DS is only 21mo but I also hide veg in food and will continue to do so for a long time if he's anything like my DH!


The singing moose is not broken. I took the batteries out after you found it when you were meant to be napping and I had to listen to it over the monitor for half an hour.

Pascha Sun 28-Jul-13 16:28:25

Hmm. That juice in your cup? Thats water, that is. Water-flavoured juice smile.

How many years can I get away with that one?

It was a sad day when DS1 realised that the "song van" sold ice creams. We had never told him it didn't; he named it.

::le sigh::

MoominsYonisAreScary Sun 28-Jul-13 16:28:46

Dds2 o have been blending veg, mushrooms and onions into your spag Bol and lasagne for as long as I can remember

MoominsYonisAreScary Sun 28-Jul-13 16:30:16

Oh yes ds3s juice is also just water

GherkinsAreAce Sun 28-Jul-13 16:30:28

The big songs book isn't lost. I slid it under the sofa, DS because I couldn't sing twinkle twinkle another 20 times!

BikeRunSki Sun 28-Jul-13 16:31:03

While we are at it,Yorkshire Juice ? Well it' s actually Yorkshire Water.

Pagwatch Sun 28-Jul-13 16:31:22

I can't really remember how it started but DD being a total numpty makes it easier.

BalloonSlayer Sun 28-Jul-13 16:31:26

I love it that you haven't worked out where the Diet Coke is hidden, even though when I say I will get you a can I go out the front door and there is only one place out the front it could be hidden and not be boiling hot. I know you haven't worked it out, because if you had you'd have drunk every can you thieving bugger.

BalloonSlayer Sun 28-Jul-13 16:33:09

I was lying when I said I was pleased when you learned to tell the time. Actually I was gutted. I couldn't tell you it was "Very late, WAY past your bedtime" and pack you off to bed early any more.

BalloonSlayer Sun 28-Jul-13 16:34:15

We are not being specially nice to you letting you always have the orange jam tarts. No one else likes them.

Howstricks Sun 28-Jul-13 16:34:34

I didn't really phone Father Christmas....

messybedhead Sun 28-Jul-13 16:35:10

You asked me why all those broken pieces of plastic tat that you so lovingly refer to as your toys... The ones you let me give to the 'poor children'... Why I put them all in a black bin bag to give to them!grin

Ps. I'm not cruel; none of the toys were fit to give to anybody but the bin!

AlpacaPicnic Sun 28-Jul-13 16:35:20

I know someone who 'treats' their DC to lovely lovely 'tap juice' :D

That man who mummy talks to at the door every once in a while? That's not Father Christmas's helper making spot checks. That's the postman.

messybedhead Sun 28-Jul-13 16:37:27

Oh but I do feel guilty at giving you all those 'pea sweets' in a bowl as a treat when you were 2. grin

Maybe I just am cruel ! confused

grin DH laughed lots and has given DS1 some tap juice. DS1 laughed a similar amount.

BikeRunSki Sun 28-Jul-13 16:38:09

Father Christmas really is looking at you through the burgular alarm cameras.

And your Mickey Mouse Grabby hand plus assorted other really annoyingand unmissed, toys, well they just went in.the bin.

LadyMilfordHaven Sun 28-Jul-13 16:39:02

i dont GET parents who obsess about vegetables

....adds pink chicken to the list... <<coughsalmoncough>>

Oh and that megaphone thing on your fireman bicycle - it's not pretend and it does take batteries. It's just Never. Going. To. Happen.

ButtonBoo Sun 28-Jul-13 16:40:17


We have the 'music man' that drives around selling icecreams playing music for all the children too!

And 'water-flavoured' juice.

And DD, those arent 'fairy trees'. It's broccoli. And it's not 'fairy cabbages'. It's the evil that it Brussels sprouts!

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Sun 28-Jul-13 16:40:54

Oh. You again.
Its not really a problem. Just a bit of fun.

LadyMilfordHaven Sun 28-Jul-13 16:41:11

broccoli - trees
ice cream van?
how original

CunningAtBothEnds Sun 28-Jul-13 16:41:25

Love these!

Ds1 yes the cat is santas spy. He really is.
Yes the dog will be the same for DS2. Yes all boys and girls have them.
Oh your friend hasnt any pets? Well it looks like no pressies for them then doesnt it?! grin

DwightFry Sun 28-Jul-13 16:41:30

You know my magic casserole dish? The one that has cottage pie at one end and shepherds' pie at the other? Do you want to think about that a little bit more...? grin

Ruprekt Sun 28-Jul-13 16:45:16

You know I told you Ant and Dec answered the phone when we voted 3 times in Britains Got Talent? They didnt. I only pretended to phone. confused

HouseAtreides Sun 28-Jul-13 16:45:55

Who had a dump in your handbag Lady?

CunningAtBothEnds Sun 28-Jul-13 16:46:03

Also whilst unburdening my soul...

DH.. That separate non-quorn cos healthier isnt as manly clearly? lasagne the other night, that one that "just had that depth of flavour you CANT get from quorn" the one that generated no extra washing up... Well think on it buddy?!

DS1 yes it is odd that thieves deem only your screechy recorder and similarly annoying whistles worthy o theft, but, let us not forget that is only because they tripped and broke that annoyingly loud bastard venus, rendering it tuneless grin

Those quality toys that mysteriously disappear, that you get on the front of magazines. binned. every. single. one.

Cheese hating DS, you do know what pizza topping consists of don't you? Apparently not...

KeziaCunningham Sun 28-Jul-13 16:46:52

Aww this thread is making me nostalgic.

Mummy's water was lemonade.
Special grapes = olives
Fizzy drink = a tiny bit of apple juice with carbonated water
Diet coke = for grown ups, like beer.
Lamb - yes it is a coincidence it's called the same as the fluffy animals in the field (soft ex-vegetarian mummy)

DD is 11 now. The only one I still get away with is calling every curry Korma, or she'll claim it's too spicy.

HoggyTruffle Sun 28-Jul-13 16:46:54

DS, when you were 2 and didn't like your medicine I did not use my entire range of food colouring to mix in and pretend it was different 'nice' medicine.

HouseAtreides Sun 28-Jul-13 16:46:55

DD1... That instant mash you will only eat... It ain't instant smile

PMSL at magic casserole dish grin grin grin

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Sun 28-Jul-13 16:47:24

Oh will you just naff off. Do you ever join in the spirit of a thread as a nice person or do you just trawl round looking for places to slip a bitch in?

CoolStoryBro Sun 28-Jul-13 16:47:44

The texts I got from Father Christmas? That was your Dad. I just edited his details on my iPhone. But hey! At least you tidied your rooms.

sapfu Sun 28-Jul-13 16:48:00

HouseAtreides Sun 28-Jul-13 16:45:55

Who had a dump in your handbag Lady?

ROAR at this

and DD, when you whine that the bath is too hot and refuse to sit down, the thimbleful of cold I then add is likely to have no effect, other than to convince you to sit down and that it's fine

CoolStoryBro Sun 28-Jul-13 16:49:01

Lady Milford, have you thought that MN may not be the place for you? It seems to make you unfathomably irritable.

Don't feed the troll. She doesn't like courgette, broccoli or cheese.

AnnabelleLee Sun 28-Jul-13 16:50:29

Y'know the battery elf that lives under the floorboards and steals the batteries from your toys, especially the really fucking irritating ones like the disney phone or that sodding singing bus loud ones?....yeah, about that.

Howstricks Sun 28-Jul-13 16:50:53

Oh yes..and when i say i'm going to count to 3, i have absolutely no clue what i would do if i got to 3! (Fortunately never made it past 2).smile

KeziaCunningham Sun 28-Jul-13 16:51:09

Ooh just thought of another one. My DD believed that you could only buy fizzy orange in Spain. She called it Spanish orange juice.

Until she was about 6!

Layl77 Sun 28-Jul-13 16:51:23

I don't really want to time you to find the hairbrush to see if you'll make the next Olympics.. I Just want the fooking hairbrush and can't be arsed getting it myself

'Pixie pillows' are just shredded wheat

FriskyHenderson Sun 28-Jul-13 16:51:27

The Internet isn't broken, I just switched the router off.

Do we need to be original? No point reinventing the wheel.

AmandaPandtheTantrumofDoom Sun 28-Jul-13 16:52:46

That magic water that fixes bumps and bruises. ...erm.

CoolStoryBro Sun 28-Jul-13 16:52:47

Howstricks you just start from 1 again. Works every time!!

youarewinning Sun 28-Jul-13 16:53:29

PsammeadPaintedTheLion Sun 28-Jul-13 16:37:02

That man who mummy talks to at the door every once in a while? That's not Father Christmas's helper making spot checks. That's the postman.

^ that is bloody genius grin

sapfu Sun 28-Jul-13 16:53:49

Only you are sad that those toys no longer ping, squeak and warble because 'they don't make that kind of battery any more.' I am fucking gleeful about it.

Eyesunderarock Sun 28-Jul-13 16:54:14

Oh yes!
So many happy, happy memories and some that still work.
The nutella still lives in the organic chai tea tin. 18 years and you haven't worked that one out yet.
Yes to golden mash, I learned that one from my mum when I found out at 31 that special mash included my portion of carrots...and a raw egg yolk!
(I omitted the yolk)

DowntonTrout Sun 28-Jul-13 16:55:41

That time we ate at a harbour side fish restaurant and you ate that bowl of crispy chips.

They weren't chips, they were whitebait. Really.grin

FancyPuffin Sun 28-Jul-13 16:57:13

grin at this thread.

AdoraBell Sun 28-Jul-13 16:57:50

Yes, DDs, I do put mushrooms in a lot of meals I cook for you, and I've been doing it for years <evil grin>

RatUpADrainpipe Sun 28-Jul-13 16:58:09

Oh, this thread has made my afternoon grin

GherkinsAreAce Sun 28-Jul-13 16:59:42

Lady, did you mean to be so rude?

KeziaCunningham Sun 28-Jul-13 16:59:50

Oh and that time you got stung by a stinging nettle and I couldn't find a dock leaf, but then grandad found a special dock leaf. Definitely not a dandelion leaf. Oh no..

CrazyHamsterdisguisedasatree Sun 28-Jul-13 17:00:22

Hoggy food colouring in medicine what a genius idea

Ds the air freshner things that go off every so often do not have a camera in so Father Christmas can watch you , Oh & he doesn't come round every week to inspect your bedroom
Also not all meat is chicken , surely you have noticed the difference in taste confused

Not everything I eat has fish in , I just tell you that because I don't want to share.
Your Golfish James & Percy did not go & live with Nemo at the Sealife centre & your hamster Henry-Gordon is buried at the bottom of the garden & did not run away to join the circus

Who had a dump in your handbag Lady?

Don't feed the troll. She doesn't like courgette, broccoli or cheese.


icecubed Sun 28-Jul-13 17:02:26

DB Mum gave you normal pork sausages for years despite asking the Butcher for Wolf ones as they were the only ones you would eatgrin

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Sun 28-Jul-13 17:03:15

Course she did. Its not the first time either.
And she's started a thread about it. Veg hiding parents what's the point neurotic doesn't hurt a kid to grow up on burgers and fags argh argh argh!
Missing the point of this thread by a mile.
Got to laugh, really.
I don't think she likes me very much grin

CrazyHamsterdisguisedasatree Sun 28-Jul-13 17:03:34

Posted to soon blush

That 'Magic Pop' you drink is not made by the fairies at the bottom of the garden it is Robinsons cordial & Fizzy water

RenterNomad Sun 28-Jul-13 17:07:04

I put DS's balloon in a street bin today. It hadn't even popped!

FancyPuffin Sun 28-Jul-13 17:07:11

Dd the soft play place isn't actually closed I just can't bear it anymore.

The toys in the broken toy cupboard? All suffered death by stamping and battery removal. Also there are not actually scary things in the cupboard it's empty.

I haven't let you stayed up really really late I keep emergency episodes of the bedtime hour recorded and put them on early, you're actually going to bed early.

<Throws hat in ring for Mother of the Year award>

BikeRunSki Sun 28-Jul-13 17:08:16

Driinks that come in metal tins are not really poisonous to children. Not in the short term anyway.

My brats like veg but ds isn't a big meat eater - we hide that in pastry or beans! do you think she'd start a thread bitching on that wink

Or is it only vegetables that dc don't need to have confused my head hurts.

whatkungfuthat Sun 28-Jul-13 17:11:35

McDonalds didn't really burn down. Three times.

Treagues Sun 28-Jul-13 17:12:33

Wine doesn't make mummy clever.

EatYourCrusts Sun 28-Jul-13 17:12:47

Ooh some of these are good! You devious lot!

Sparklysilversequins Sun 28-Jul-13 17:13:35

The toy shop/park/swimming pool is not closed today, I just don't want to go. Oh and when I phone them to check and they tell me they're closed I am actually talking to the dial tone smile.

That chocolate milk you love so much? There's about a tenth of a cup in there, the rest is topped up with ordinary organic milk because you won't drink milk otherwise.

That "special" orange jacket potato? I did baked sweet potato too and mashed half of it in so you'd get a portion of veg inside you for once.

Dd your leggings, shorts and trousers are not ALL in the wash, I just want you to wear that lovely cool sundress I got you that I know you will feel lovely and comfortable in.

DowntonTrout Sun 28-Jul-13 17:14:26

Not me, but a friend.

Used to tell her boys it was bedtime, but really had put the clocks forward. They still fell for it aged 11 and 9!

HeeBeeGeebies Sun 28-Jul-13 17:15:41

Those biscuits you love, they're oatcakes.

FancyPuffin Sun 28-Jul-13 17:15:48

Oh yeah, the fish don't actually lay down to sleep.

RenterNomad Sun 28-Jul-13 17:17:25

Message deleted by Mumsnet for encouraging cruel and unusual punishment.

"I keep emergency episodes of the bedtime hour recorded and put them on early, you're actually going to bed early."

evil genius!!

PicnicPie Sun 28-Jul-13 17:18:33

This thread had made me laugh out loud a few times. DD is only 7 months but I will definitely be keeping some of these for future reference.

<cuts and pastes into word doc, files as "parenting guidance for future>

Graceparkhill Sun 28-Jul-13 17:19:13

DS1 -as you will be 21 next month perhaps I ought to tell you that the noisy, expensive ride along toys outside every supermarket were not always broken .
DS2 - nearly 14 . The Duke of Edinburgh scheme is not compulsory but if you don't move farther than your laptop in the coming year I fear you are heading for DVT.

MissStrawberry Sun 28-Jul-13 17:24:16

I think it is lovely that some of you are carrying on with your children traditions that your parents did with you. Much nicer than being "original" for the sake of it.

D0oinMeCleanin Sun 28-Jul-13 17:24:41

Dear dd1, I don't really keep bottles full of water spiked with travel sickness pills in my bag when we travel places and I've forgotten to give you your puking pills. It's just plain water and the good old placebo effect grin

Also that chicken 'what looks a bit like mushrooms' that's not really chicken.

Redbull isn't beer and it won't kill you. Nor is Lucozade, Monster or Relentless.

I don't know Santa's email address and the tooth fairy does not fly to Spain on holiday frequently.

Shops are in fact allowed to sell cakes and sweets before lunchtime/after dinner time. They're also allowed to sell toys in December.

ducklady Sun 28-Jul-13 17:25:11

Seems there are a lot of destructive parents out there.
Now I can go wreck that bloody monkey rattle that drives me insane!

Doingakatereddy Sun 28-Jul-13 17:25:45

fancypuffin - for that recorded bedtime hour idea I would vote you mum of the year. Bloody inspired

I hide veg from DS and DH. Veg is good for you bloody sausages every night are not

ducklady Sun 28-Jul-13 17:26:41

And prehaps I should add, dear children,
Wine DOES Make mummy clever!

Dinosaurs don't actually eat peas, and by eating them you won't grow as big as one. Sorry. But you like them now so it's fine grin

When I snapped off that cheeky square of chocolate from the cupboard this morning, and you caught me, I wasn't really checking if it was off and the yuckface I pulled was totes pretend wink

D0oinMeCleanin Sun 28-Jul-13 17:28:00

I also do not count my blueberries and have no idea how many are in the punnet. Nor do I believe that there is a wee mouse who can open the fridge and nibble the edges of the cheese, dd2 angry

TheDetective Sun 28-Jul-13 17:29:35


Best. Idea. EVER!


Ahhhh have I just figured out who LadyMH is??
Silly me

mrsjay Sun 28-Jul-13 17:31:30

dear dd2 there is chopped mushrooms and onions in the spag bol that you always have seconds of

RatUpADrainpipe Sun 28-Jul-13 17:34:08

Stealth - who, who.....do tell please?????

whatkungfuthat Sun 28-Jul-13 17:35:13

Enquiring minds need to know

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Sun 28-Jul-13 17:35:40

She's my nemesis, that's who she is.

I'll be the moustache twirling villain and she can be the kindly old lady foiling my dastardly schemes.

Every time she comes on a thread to slap me down, I'll give my tach a tweek, shake my fist and cry damn you, woman, you have undone me once more...

lilac26 Sun 28-Jul-13 17:37:02

Those wind up chattering teeth you won in the pass the parcel, you know, the ones you have been teasing the dog with for a week - sorry but I lost them. They slipped out of my pocket and into a bin on the retail park. Sorry about that...

Dd2 white creamy stuff you ate at nurseybwhen u were 3 was mash potato even though you never ate it at home till we did white creamy stuff however dd1 told you this when you were 10 also anything pink was a Barbie realted until you learnt to read Barbie so that dolly from poundland your first bike from the carboot all your clothes that were pink and your shoes all Barbie honest

mrsjay Sun 28-Jul-13 17:40:11

DD2 the performance of your very arty play wasn't good it was shit i fell asleep blush

Dear dc, those sweeties I let you have as a special treat occasionally - they are actually vitamin supplements.

altostratus Sun 28-Jul-13 17:44:03

Squid is pasta rings here smile

cathpip Sun 28-Jul-13 17:45:17

Ah yes, the lasagne has no meat in it but lentils instead - oops! But it's also your favourite smile

Squid = flowers = genius

FromageFrog Sun 28-Jul-13 17:47:53

Ah, do you remember the days when Lady would start a thread and so many would drop to their knees to worship every word.

Now the same behaviour gets her called a troll ...

How times have changed

cathpip Sun 28-Jul-13 17:47:54

Oh and the occasional rabbit that George catches on his walks, they are not very tired........sorry!

member Sun 28-Jul-13 17:49:40

Well, I have no idea who Lady MH is but she makes undergoing surgery with no anaesthetic sound a pleasant alternative to spending time in her company.

Doobydoo Sun 28-Jul-13 17:50:33


RandallPinkFloyd Sun 28-Jul-13 17:50:43

Who took a dump in your handbag?. <<wheeeeeeeze>>

I have a 'Tales of Friendship' on my planner, it's magic, it creates instant bedtime!

DS, I know you hate all fruit, you're right it is foul obnoxious stuff. And yes "pudding" is much much nicer. It is not, in any way, smushed up fruit.

Angelfootprints Sun 28-Jul-13 17:52:11

"Calamares? No, not actually flowers. Squid. You have eaten it 100 times. It's really, really not flowers. What do they teach you at school?"

Pagwatch- ahhhh noooo!

This was my absolute worst nightmare when I was a kid. I had a massive phobia of seafood & frogs and was convinced my parents were really pretending the chicken was fish! I refused to eat any meat for ages and ages. The thought of seafood made and still makes me wrench.

I even accused asked DH a few years ago if the chicken he made really was chicken.....

emmie31 Sun 28-Jul-13 17:56:27

I haven't got magic eyes that can see through the ceiling into your messy room, and when you come downstairs after your attempt at tidying up and ask if I can use my magic eyes to check , I will always say you need to do a bit more cleaning its still messy ! ( I want an extra 5 minutes peace)

Pagwatch Sun 28-Jul-13 17:57:29

<<pats poor Angel>>

I'll let you know if have given her a phobia in a year or two. grin

Dackyduddles Sun 28-Jul-13 17:58:21

S'alright, can't say she's top of our xmas list either (shamelessly speaking for all sorry!). Yawn or what?

I've pinched the Santa idea. Sorry but that's too good to lose. Thank you so much!

Mummy's grape juice
Nade is really fizzy water
Pixie sweets are honey covered seeds
To get you off blue ice cream I said smashed smurfs.....
My toilet training phrase of "Princesses wear pants" worked marvellously til dad helpfully bought rapunzel pants...... (Now every pair had to have a sodding princesses face on....)

Angelfootprints Sun 28-Jul-13 17:59:57

Ha ha!

I might politely decline any future dinner invites from you too... grin

RVPisnomore Sun 28-Jul-13 18:01:02

When Mummy said that the shark at Deep Sea World was unwell and therefore was closed so the vet could look after I'm.......

Well, Mummy lied as she didn't want to go as it's overpriced and we only spend about an hour there. smile

TheArmadillo Sun 28-Jul-13 18:01:26

Sorry ds but there is no such thing as cinema only films that won't get released on dvd, it's just that furry vengance was so fucking awful I couldn't bear to see again.

Dd things that are randomly 'broken' is just because they are really annoying and I can't bear them right now. Or I can't be bothered to get them out/supervise you. Also we don't run out of biscuits as often as I claim we do.

Ds I won't really beat up your teacher if she's mean to you, it was a stupid thing I said to cheer you up. Please don't tell her blush

TickledOnion Sun 28-Jul-13 18:02:24

DD1 - when you think you are getting a special late night, you're not. You are going to bed at exactly the same time as normal. Not looking forward to the day you learn to tell the time.

youarewinning Sun 28-Jul-13 18:04:06

Oh DS, yes it is great that the Cbeebies channel works again after it broke 2 years ago. grin

MoominsYonisAreScary Sun 28-Jul-13 18:04:58

I also record the bedtime hour so I can put it on early

When I told you the paddling pool was closed on Friday I lied. It was because Mummy and Daddy wanted to sit and drink overpriced beer and cider and listen to folk music. Sorry DS1, you got an hour in the paddling pool so I'm not too mean! smile

edam Sun 28-Jul-13 18:07:37

That national lollipop shortage caused by all the lollipop workers going on strike, that MPs were asking questions in parliament about? Never happened. I just didn't want to buy you a lollipop. And that woman who grinned at us in the supermarket as she overheard me? She knew...

Feelslikea1sttimer Sun 28-Jul-13 18:08:06

That David beckham didn't eat fish pie to make him the worlds best footballer and no he didn't call me up every night and tell me what he was having for dinner so you could have the same ;-)

Angelfootprints Sun 28-Jul-13 18:08:18

I must admit I love whoever introduced me to "Elf on a shelf".

It makes December, a very, very pleasant month.

Perhaps its time for Elf to visit for us her summer holidays too....

SuffolkNWhat Sun 28-Jul-13 18:09:24

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChippingInHopHopHop Sun 28-Jul-13 18:14:31

stealth if I guessed at LES would I be right? If not, I need a PM smile

Hec - lovely to be so popular that she has to start ATAAT isn't it grin

MammaTJ Sun 28-Jul-13 18:14:37

DS, who used to go to bed as soon as he heard the Emmerdale theme tune, I used to have it on programme record and play it if I wanted you to go to bed early.

DD2, There are not actually cameras trained on the sweets in Iceland. The manager was saying no when I phoned him and asked him and I continued to ask him to look at the CCTV footage to get you to confess to stealing the sweets instead of blaming your brother.

DD1 is 18 now and pretty much knows everything I hid from her now.

DD1 - you know you didn't like tomato soup? So Mr Heinz made some special orange soup for you? Cam in the same tin as everyone else's tomato soup? Hmm?

Oh, and like a PP poster, I had no idea what would happen if I actually got to 3 before you did what ever it was you were supposed to be doing. I am genuinely sorry you still freak out if you hear anyone counting slowly grin.

HeffalumpTheFlump Sun 28-Jul-13 18:35:25

Another one taking notes for future use from the best parenting course ever. grin

CrazyHamsterdisguisedasatree Sun 28-Jul-13 18:35:59

These are fab taking notes

Dilidali Sun 28-Jul-13 18:36:35

Mummy doesn't have an extra pair of eyes on the back of her head darling.

Little birdies tell me NOTHING, sweetpea.

I'm just a controlling mother.

OnTheNingNangNong Sun 28-Jul-13 18:38:38

This is the best parenting advice I've read in a long time

HoobleDooble Sun 28-Jul-13 18:39:02

DS I usually know where everything is in the house, so when you ask me where a Crappy Meal Toy or one of your 5 squillion drawings is and I say "I don't know, it must be somewhere though!", I really do know, and 'somewhere' is what I call the wheelie bin.

Our tv does really pick up the bedtime hour, it's just me changing channels behind my back at 6 o'clock and saying "Whoops it's gone off again! Let's go for a bath instead."

greenhill Sun 28-Jul-13 18:43:48

I've never lied about battery operated toys not working, not having the instructions for toys I don't like, claimed only daddy knows how to put the toy together, or hidden a wooden recorder, trumpet and drum sticks in a high cupboard <lies, yet again and takes notes> grin

Lastofthepodpeople Sun 28-Jul-13 18:47:24

Dear DS, when I trim your nails I'm not going to cut your fingers off. I promise.

But the real reason we've stopped arguing about this is because I've started trimming your nails after you've gone to sleep. They don't magically get shorter in the morning.

It can't be that bad if you don't even wake up.

MummyPig24 Sun 28-Jul-13 18:51:52

Those onion rings had squid in.

Those chicken nuggets had scampi in.

I didn't really phone Santa, but I wish I could!

Broccoli- trees
Cauliflower- white trees
Sprouts- baby cabbages

Wee willy winky isn't real, I just tell you that so you go to flipping sleep!

KnittedWaffle Sun 28-Jul-13 18:53:37

DD (4) - when you won't go to sleep at night and the 'fairies' ring Mummy's phone to speak to you, it's actually your dad speaking in a high pitched voice. something your 2 year old brother cottoned onto immediately with the response 'stop it daddy! Stop being silly!' grin

BalloonSlayer Sun 28-Jul-13 18:56:39

CDs by Queen would actually work in the CD player in Daddy's car.

saintmerryweather Sun 28-Jul-13 18:57:02

i dont even have kids and love this thread! mum used to mash cauliflower into mashed potato and put cabbage water in gravy to try and get some veg into us

KnittedWaffle Sun 28-Jul-13 18:57:21

Oh yes and when I tell you to put your finger/hand/toe in your mouth when you've hurt it a teeny bit and a cuddle/kiss hasn't stopped the crying it's not because it'll take the pain away it's because the crying/screaming noise is reduced/stops while you do it.

dementedma Sun 28-Jul-13 18:58:05

If I unscrew your belly button, your legs won't really drop off.

No, of course I didn't put mushrooms in

The cat didn't eat the last doughnut.

RealAleandOpenFires Sun 28-Jul-13 19:01:13

Balloon, so it does the opposite of Crawley's (Good Omens) CD player then? grin

RandallPinkFloyd Sun 28-Jul-13 19:02:24

Aww demented that's one of my favourite ones.

My dad drummed it into us so much that for years if anyone prodded my belly button I'd get shooting pains in my arse cheeks!

BeaWheesht Sun 28-Jul-13 19:02:37

Ds I don't have a shrinking cap like grandpa from cbeebies. I know what's going on in school because my friend works in the office.

DaleyBump Sun 28-Jul-13 19:18:35

Currently 22 weeks pregnant and taking notes for the future grin

itsblackoveryonderhill Sun 28-Jul-13 19:19:14

pagwatch, we too had a lot of 'chicken', 'tuna chicken', 'pork chicken' etc in our house. Thankfully DD now eats a good variety of foods that don't have to bare a relation to chicken.

JollyHolidayGiant Sun 28-Jul-13 19:20:04

That red tractor toy I swear blind never existed? It did. I stood on it and couldn't fix it so I had to bin it. I did try to replace it but was not up for paying £25 for the pleasure.

LillethTheCat Sun 28-Jul-13 19:23:19

DS and DD1 your dad hasn't really placed a hidden camera upstairs even though sometimes we would like to

Also I too have no idea what happens when I finish counting (I count down from 5), but as you know when I start I'm being serious so you do as your told it doesn't really matter. Yet.

Luckily I don't have to hide veg as my kids will eat it (although DS doesn't want to), DD1's favourite food is sprouts (wierd child)

LillethTheCat Sun 28-Jul-13 19:24:21

Also I forgot we don't really have invisible elves living in our house watching you to report back to Santa.

itsblackoveryonderhill Sun 28-Jul-13 19:26:38

oh and DD, here isn't only one way to grow, but just as long as you believe it has to be in a 'dark room' then I'm not complaining.

Readers this was my response to DD when she wanted to start having the landing light on for no reason. I told her that the only eay to grow up was to be in a dark and quiet room whilst you slept.

FromageFrog Sun 28-Jul-13 19:26:53

Your Dad didn't really take the last doughnut/cake/few biscuits into work to share with his friends because he is kind, I ate them last night while you were in bed blush

itsblackoveryonderhill Sun 28-Jul-13 19:28:24

stealthpolarbear, yes, thats me too!

all I can say is that because it looks like a common occurance on some of these matters then they must be really true, wink

LetUsPrey Sun 28-Jul-13 19:29:05

DS1 when I used to tell you that Minstrels and Rolos had nuts in them and you couldn't have nuts because you we're too little - guess what?

Also, when you were nearly two and we told you that those things in the stir fry were mushrooms and they were magic sweeties? Would have been enormously helpful if when you went to nursery the next day and were having a What We Had For Dinner chat, you hadn't told all the staff you'd had magic mushrooms for dinner. Thanks for that.

MiaowTheCat Sun 28-Jul-13 19:30:14

I did supply once in a reception class just before Christmas. Kids very earnestly told me that Santa had a webcam in the classroom to see if they were being good... and pointed, in total belief, to the fire system sprinkler. Inwardly I giggled and nearly died trying to keep a straight face.

PurplePidjin Sun 28-Jul-13 19:32:19

Wow, clever ds! Now you have two rice cakes biscuits! Aren't you lucky!

He's only 8 months, but my mum and mil are already primed with the line about only Grandmother's being allowed the magic tokens that make supermarket rides work

<been here too long>

recording the bedtime hour is The Most Convincing Argument Ever for getting that swanky tv box thingy grin

FriskyHenderson Sun 28-Jul-13 19:33:29

Fromage my DH is also responsible for all of the lost and missing food, and lost and missing toys. He does a awful lot of eating and tidying while they are asleep. The fact he has a 30" waist and I do not has escaped them grin

giraffesCantWearSuncream Sun 28-Jul-13 19:33:56

Lmao at emergency bed time hour

Lousmart Sun 28-Jul-13 19:37:51

All sausages are not Richmonds, dd, sorry.

The bank doesn't have Santa-cam.

That late night you think you had, nope, I moved the clocks.

The head teacher at school doesn't have a spare bedroom at home for children who won't go to bed at home.

Oh my, aren't we all naughty? But it's whatever works eh?

georgedawes Sun 28-Jul-13 19:50:39

Cbeebies wasn't really broken for the whole of the Olympics.

And the bush in the garden isn't really made up of magic dust either.

daisychicken Sun 28-Jul-13 19:50:52

Daddy's cold coffee is not coke.....

and Father Christmas doesn't really use the cameras on the motorway or in shops to check that you are behaving....

Mine are all older now, but I remember....

Ds1- that "magic spray" your football coach sprays on you? It is water.

The "special" chicken just for you?
It was fish

The fact that you can't be a footballer unless you eat carrots and peas. That it was actually the law that they had to eat veg?
Yeah, that was a lie.

Dd. The story about the tooth fairy being so busy with the other children that she didnt have time to deliver your money until the next day?
I didn't have any change.

The day Toys R Us lost their keys and couldn't open the shop?
Not true.

The fruit that you refuse to eat?
It was just the same fruit in the crumble. It was not special sweetie crumble.

Drinking my wine would not have stopped you growing when you were 5.

sunnyshine Sun 28-Jul-13 20:04:36

Quorn is not chicken. smile And summer magic ( old cheesy film) didn't fall off the sky planner!! I deleted ithmm

Goldmandra Sun 28-Jul-13 20:06:20

DD2 - That noise I make when I put my hand behind your curtains? I'm not shutting your window.

Of course I won't turn your light off when you are asleep, sweetheart.

My Ipad battery doesn't really keep going flat whenever you want to go on Minion Rush.

DD1 - I don't have access to some magic software that alerts me when you break a rule. I check your Facebook account.

I don't have software that tells me you are on Facebook when you should be doing homework. I just know.

This thread has to be a Discussion of the Day.

NorbertDentressangle Sun 28-Jul-13 20:06:28

You know how that first year you were so excited to have been allowed to stay up until midnight to see the new year in?...... well you didn't I'm afraid as we'd actually brought all the clocks forward so it was more like 10.30/11pm on new years eve that you saw .

BikeRunSki Sun 28-Jul-13 20:12:42

We have an ice cream van that comes and plays his jingle outside our house every evening at 7.15pm from about March to Sept. DS, it's not really the Bed Inspectors checking to see if all the childre are in bed.

Oh and I don't actually know how many sweets are left in the bag. Or how many mints I have. Or how much lemonade was in the bottle.

I also cannot see through the ceiling. I just know when you are on your iPod rather than studying.

lucysmam Sun 28-Jul-13 20:28:35

haha, I never do the lost toy one.....or phone santa one....or count to three....or any of the others honest hmm

And, I oh so definately didn't just tell my stupidly bouncy dd's that daddy couldn't have a birthday tomorrow if they stayed up....because without going to sleep it would still be today...oh no grin

HorseyGirl1 Sun 28-Jul-13 20:32:57

One my parents did with me years ago when watching too much TV. 'Horsey could you just go out of the room to fetch.... . ' Oh quick!Look Horsey, TV has burned out, you can;t watch anymore today. It won't work any more today. ' I was about 10 before I figured it out, doh!

DS - those clever sweets you get every night...they're not really Bassetts Chewy Vitamins...

My two have both (at different times) decided to find out what I'd do when I got to five. They only did it once!

I'm marking this thread for future reference.

Rhino71 Sun 28-Jul-13 20:34:42

DD, you know that tooth you lost swimming this afternoon, the one that turned up in your swimming towel when we got home, guess what, it wasn't yours it was your brothers that fell out last week that mum planted in the towel to stop you getting sad about the tooth fairy not coming.

IsThatTrue Sun 28-Jul-13 20:44:48

rhino that's pure genius!

Dd the rides outside shops were not left out for the man to come and fix them.

And the tooth fairy is not scared of 'Fluffy' your pillow pal doggy. Mummy forgot, twice blush

LittleBearPad Sun 28-Jul-13 20:47:10

Taking notes for the future.

My sister is still deeply confused by the concept of chicken being beef flavoured, pork flavoured etc. (she's 32). Bad parents grin

VikingVagine Sun 28-Jul-13 20:52:19

Darling daughter, you know those green leaves you pick for me in the garden, yes that's right, the ones I then put into the blender with a few bits and bobs, uh huh, as I whizz it all together and you swear blind you won't eat the leaves from the garden? Yup, it's the exact same stuff that I dollop on your pasta a few moments later, you know, your favourite green pasta sauce? That's the stuff. Leaves.

mamij Sun 28-Jul-13 20:53:51

Love this thread! Am taking notes! grin

tomatoplantproject Sun 28-Jul-13 20:58:04

The ice cream van man plays the music to let everyone know he has run out of ice cream wink

AnneEyhtMeyer Sun 28-Jul-13 20:58:32

Actually my credit card does work in all shops, despite telling you it doesn't.

The fromage frais "to cool you down" when you have a raging temperature actually has Calpol stirred into it, that you would otherwise refuse to take.

Father Christmas doesn't watch you all year round on the burglar alarm sensors.

The horrible soft play hasn't really closed down.

I do actually know where all the things you can't find are - the bin.

Flobbadobs Sun 28-Jul-13 20:59:09

Remember when father Christmas phoned to check you were in bed that Christmas Eve? It was your Dad calling from work doing is best "hohoho" down the phone...
And DS, your favourite pasta sauce that only I can make with the secret ingredient? It's garlic.

lucysmam Sun 28-Jul-13 21:00:50

Chameleon what happens when you get to five????????

When I say the park is closing, it isn't really. I just want to get you out of there without a tantrum. And she I say Spiderman always eats all of his dinner and that's shy he is so big and strong...erm.. actually thats probably true!

bloody autocorrect gond mad above... sorry!

DaleyBump Sun 28-Jul-13 21:09:52

When my sister and I were little and didn't want to put our jammies on (so running around starkers) my dad would go outside and chap the front door and my mum would shout "QUICK! IT'S THE BARE BUM POLICE!" My sister and I would then frantically get dressed and get to bed so we wouldn't be arrested grin

I distinctly remember telling my whole primary class about the bare bum police. Funnily enough, they all believed me grin

MaureenMLove Sun 28-Jul-13 21:12:53

These are absolutely brilliant and makes me feel so much less of a horrid mother!

My personal favourites, have been:

The ice cream man loving nicknamed The Child Catcher. (DD was about 6 before she worked that one out).

The multitude of chocolate of all types that came through the house. Always told DD it was mint flavoured. DD didn't like mint, so saved me having to share.

And the green box that the council gave us especially to store all DD's models and pictures in from nursery and infant school.

Repeatedlydoingthetwist Sun 28-Jul-13 21:23:33

Oh I LOVE the idea of David Beckham phoning to say what he's having for tea!

Back2Two Sun 28-Jul-13 21:24:01

Anne I'm amazed at a child who refuses calpol! I thought it was universally loved.

And ds1, dad doesn't really have a "crystal ball" that he can see you in all day long whilst he's at work. Sometimes I actually text him with choice cuts from the day so that he can get the details straight for his predictions when he gets home. Sorry sweetheart.

NaturalBlondeYeahRight Sun 28-Jul-13 21:26:00

Sorry DD's
That 'shrek soup' = spinach soup
Those violin lessons that had no spaces left....
That Harvest Festival (yawn) don't you know they picked parents using a raffle system. Better luck next year.

Wish I had some for the teenage years.

HoggyTruffle Sun 28-Jul-13 21:29:54

DS, Father Christmas did not have a magic camera that came down the chimney when you weren't looking. That's why no matter how quickly you turned round you never saw it.

Same here with the calpol dislike - that warm slightly pink milk you had did not taste strange, it was just laced with calpol.

MissStrawberry Sun 28-Jul-13 21:42:15

MaureenMLove - I had to read the green box once twice before I got it blush. could be because I have saved everything my dcs ever made or drew.

No I don't have any money in my purse DD1 (and now also DD2) to buy any shite sugary drinks and crisps from the vending machines in the leisure centre when you have just finished your healthy hour of gymnastics or trampolining or swimming.

LegoAcupuncture Sun 28-Jul-13 21:52:49

That broccoli salad you think you're eating is actually cabbage. Bon appetite!

Oh and DD2, those craft kits that we gave to your friends at the last, um, five or six birthday parties you went to? No, they did not look familiar. No, I did not whisk away about half of your presents and hide them for re-gifting. I love those craft kits. Honest.

youarewinning Sun 28-Jul-13 21:59:35

PMSL @ Magic mushrooms grin

MaureenMLove Sun 28-Jul-13 22:02:44

I've saved most things MissStrawberry, but when you take an empty cereal box to school and half a dozen kitchen roll tubes and they return the very same day, stuck together as a work of art, you wonder why you didn't miss out the middle man and pop them straight in the recycling box on the way out the door! grin

SlatternismyMiddlename Sun 28-Jul-13 22:04:00

DS, all those times I let you stay up to midnight - it was really about 9o'clock, you just couldn't read the clock yet.

And that green pasta you liked, it was spinach.

And if you had been able to count you would have realised how many of your fish did actually die.

And the cats didnt really stay on your bed at night to keep the monsters away, they are just lazy and like a comfy bed.

DollyTwat Sun 28-Jul-13 22:13:29

I'm not such a technical genius that I can tell how long you've been in the pc or Xbox. Sorry ds. I won't be confessing for a few years yet though

DollyTwat Sun 28-Jul-13 22:14:48

Oh and the 'monster spray' I used to spray round your rooms to keep the monsters away? Water in a bottle with a picture of a monster on

devonsmummy Sun 28-Jul-13 22:17:25

Toys R Us isn't really closed because they're painting the floor / Santas elves are shopping / they have a power cut!

lucysmam Sun 28-Jul-13 22:21:06

I still want to know what happens when Chameleon gets to five!!!! for future use because I am shit at consequences or dd2 just agrees to them hmm

AnneEyhtMeyer Sun 28-Jul-13 22:31:14

Oh and the "Anti-bad-dream-spray"? Actually a bottle of stuff that is meant to make hair shiny but is rubbish.

devonsmummy Sun 28-Jul-13 22:36:06

All the times I tell you it's 'big kids time' at the park & we need to go - I just want to go home cos ivehad enough.
Wee willie Winkie is tapping on the windows - it's me knocking on the side of the bed

LustyBusty Sun 28-Jul-13 22:48:47

I rarely "laugh out loud"... But this thread has me HOWLING!! grin

Passmethecrisps Sun 28-Jul-13 22:53:00

Watching this and going to study it.

DD is 8.5 months. How long do I have to cram?

crazy8 Sun 28-Jul-13 22:53:08

Yes. Diet coke and normal coke should not be drunk by children as it makes your teeth go black! And you don't want rotten teth do you?? Do you???

queenebay Sun 28-Jul-13 23:02:50

The random old man in the park isn't the park keeper coming to lock up the park so we have to get out. The children who stay are just naughty!

All the parcels that arrive are not for daddy's friend at work and he uses our address because I am in during the day.

Daddy does not take all your drawings to put in his office because they are so good- I'm afraid they go in our wheely bin!

TheDetective Sun 28-Jul-13 23:15:18

Not long pass. Not long enough....

Get started.... NOW!

notnagging Mon 29-Jul-13 04:08:39

My kids always say they can't live without something & never notice when I throw it away.
I don't want them to be hoarders like their parents. Tidying up is unnecessarily long because they've got so much stuff! The local cashforclothes shop is my end of the month saviour.smile

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Mon 29-Jul-13 06:56:08

Sometimes when I tell you something has gluten in, I'm lying. I just don5 want to share.

That crappy mini air hocky table didn't beak. I broke it because I couldnt face yet another fight between you about it.

It isn't actually against the law to not obey your parents.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Mon 29-Jul-13 06:58:19


MirandaWest Mon 29-Jul-13 07:22:49

I'm not sure I am good enough at coming up with secrets grin

I think LadyMilfordHaven would love eating seafood myself smile

SleepyFish Mon 29-Jul-13 07:24:53

These are inspired <taking notes>

Ds, you're not really allergic to mummy's bubbly stuff, I just don't want you in my bath.

You don't really get to stay up really really late at weekends, I just give you your dinner and bath an hour earlier than usual.

Oh and the jolly green giant soup you love so much is actually pea soup, you know that vegetable you hate.

saffronwblue Mon 29-Jul-13 07:44:18

Christmas Coke is in fact available on all other days of the year.
It is not against the law for children to be vegetarian.

shutitweirdo Mon 29-Jul-13 07:45:05

No my bedroom door is not broken and I don't need a screwdriver in my bedside table to fix it. I locked it after your early morning visits to our en suite and not the bathroom.

MumnGran Mon 29-Jul-13 07:49:38

This has made me laugh so much...and made me feel so guilty!!

My darling daughters...
I know you worked out (decades ago) that the windscreen wipers weren't really working intermittently in time with you sucking your thumbs, but it is now waaaay past time to tell you that:

DD1: the reason your casseroles etc "just don't taste like Mums" is because you have hated onions since you were six .....so I liquidised them whenever a recipe used them .....and still do! <hangs head in shame>
DD2: your hamster didn't really quietly fall asleep and not wake up, and daddy didn't really bury it before you came home because he could dig a much deeper hole than you & I. The cat had a whole other reason for not wanting its tea.

elQuintoConyo Mon 29-Jul-13 07:50:40

That robin in the garden isn't making notes on your behaviour to tell Father Christmas if you've been good enough for presents.
I know you don't like mayonaise, that's why you have Special Chip Sauce instead.
Twighlight, your bunny, didn't run off to the circus.
All those drawings of bunnies aren't 'around somewhere', they're being recycled probably into bogroll

Thanks for all of them, DM and DF. I have good notes for lying through my teeth being economical with the truth when DS grows up.

LadyM are you she of "woof to you, Lady" fame?

ratbagcatbag Mon 29-Jul-13 08:09:35

Love this thread. Dd five months is asleep in my arms whilst I'm chuckling away at these. smile

lucysmam Mon 29-Jul-13 08:31:55

dd1...Special Lucy wine isn't actually wine, and isn't just for Christmas either....it's just a 40p bottle of fizzy flavoured water from Asda shock (that'd be why it's not pink like mummy wine )

BalloonSlayer Mon 29-Jul-13 08:39:16

If you ever find out my MN nickname you will understand what happens, quietly, one-by-one, while you are in bed, to all those balloons you bring home from parties.

< chuckle >

Sadly, the runaway hamster had NOT just moved to the North Pole to work for Santa.

Lucysmam - whatever I'd threatened at the time came true. IIRC I told DS that if he didn't put (and keep) his shoes on by the time I got to five, he would come on the school run (to take DD, he only starts in Sept) barefoot in his pushchair! Oh, the indignity of it! grin Can't remember DD's, she's 10, so it's a while ago.

Just thought of another one. The Magic Sleep Spray for when you can't sleep? Lavender water.

I'm also a counter with no idea what to do if he called my bluff.

Those rides at the centre aren't always broke. I just refuse to pay £1 for a 1 minute ride of you going up and down.

The ice cream van doesn't play music to let you know he is going to go to the ice cream shop as he has run out.

I dont stay in waiting for you when you go to your dads. I tell you that so you don't go telling your dad everything.

SpongeBob doesn't go for naps. I just show you a blue screen on the box office channel

Peetle Mon 29-Jul-13 09:05:55

You know when you get a brightly coloured and exciting looking birthday/christmas present that looks like it's going to be extremely messy to make (e.g. shaker maker clay dollies) and I quickly put them away for safety and to play with later ? Well, google "regifting".

PearlyWhites Mon 29-Jul-13 09:06:15

Dd you were right it wasn't actually your bed time mummy wound the clock forward an hour grin

FancyPuffin Mon 29-Jul-13 09:16:21

Dd, 'Auntie' Jo didn't really have the chicken pox, which sadly meant you couldn't come with me to visit. I just wanted to drink very hot coffee, smoke and swear like a sailor for a few hours.

Also you've actually already had chicken pox and probably wouldn't get it again anyway.

Poledra Mon 29-Jul-13 09:40:20

DDs, you know how Santa calls you every Christmas Eve to get you to go to bed? Well, that's your Great-Uncle, who you've rarely met as he lives abroad. Grandma calls him and gives him a run-down on what you've been doing before he calls, that's how come he knows so much about you.

Absy Mon 29-Jul-13 11:13:20

I think all this wisdom should be saved - could we move this to Classics please?

maddy68 Mon 29-Jul-13 11:26:03

When you tell a lie and I look into your eyes. I really can't see fibbers.
.... So when you screw your eyes up to avoid me seeing fibbers I have no idea that you are lying.....

Salmotrutta Mon 29-Jul-13 11:28:13

This is so funny!

I can't remember any of mine now but these have made me laugh so hard!

I do tell my teenage pupils (for a laugh) that the little wifi gizmo on the ceiling is a SantaCam - and very sweetly some of them even believe it for a few seconds! grin

Salmotrutta Mon 29-Jul-13 11:28:50

I stole that from a colleague by the way!

amessagetoyouYoni Mon 29-Jul-13 11:30:00

<tears of laughter>

Most of the foods I say is 'really spicy' and 'you really wouldnt like' are actually tasty treats I want to keep to devour for when you are in bed.

Magnum lollies are not 'yucky' or 'not as nice as your mini milks in the freezer', either wink

maddy68 Mon 29-Jul-13 11:38:32

The fairies didn't really take your dummy for the new baby's be ause you were so big. Oh no ...

KittyLane1 Mon 29-Jul-13 12:05:46

We haven't run out of face paint, I have run out of patience.

KateSMumsnet (MNHQ) Mon 29-Jul-13 12:39:58

Once on a family holiday in Thailand, as my DM was saying good night, what I later learned was a cockroach fell out my pillowcase. She promptly stabbed it with her high heel and flushed it down the loo. I nervously asked "was that a cockroach?", to which she briskly said "No don't be silly, go to bed". Believed her for years.

Anyway, we're moving this to classics!

queenebay Mon 29-Jul-13 12:43:23

The naughty children's home for bad girls is really an sheltered housing complex!

DalekInAFestiveJumper Mon 29-Jul-13 12:43:24

I once had the police called on me, because I was allowing ten-year-olds to drink soda at a cast party. Somebody's kid brother had been told that anything in a can was alcohol.

It was, I admit, a memorable party!

2kidsintow Mon 29-Jul-13 12:55:02

Dear DDs - the infra red sensor from the house alarm on the landing isn't really a camera designed so we can always tell who is in the wrong when you have a row upstairs and we are downstairs.

(Actually, I think DD1 rumbled that one when she got to age 11)

ZipItShrimpy Mon 29-Jul-13 13:26:17

Love all these! smile

Ds and Dd, on the run up to christmas, I am surprised that neither of you have asked why there are so many boxes of 'vegetables' being delivered to the house.

The black coffee that your dad and I drink in the morning is actually diet coke. Mwahahahaha!

The bloody annoying electric guitar toy isn't actually broken, it just needs batteries but I will be damned if I ever have to listen to how much is that fucking doggy in the window again!

Ice packs cure everything.

AnneEyhtMeyer Mon 29-Jul-13 13:51:19

Forgot another - it isn't necessarily true that when a plaster falls off that the "injury" is on the mend and the plaster has done its job, so another isn't needed. I just got fed up of buying boxes of plasters every week.

madoldbird Mon 29-Jul-13 14:11:48

I lied when I said the ice cream van only plays it's music when it's run out of ice cream.

Those who drive convertibles are not poor people who cannot afford a roof for their car.

The playground does not shut at 5pm.

I am not actually ringing your new teacher and telling him all the bad things you've done during the school holidays.

Purplepassages Mon 29-Jul-13 14:18:22

I'm not really tidying the cupboard... I'm hiding behind the cupboard door eating chocolate.

NameThatTuna Mon 29-Jul-13 14:27:19

DD - I do know what that thing on a string in my bag is. It's tampax.

I just can't find the words to start that conversation.

And the chocolate from that party didn't go out of date. I ate it!

DD and DS2, you know the cameras in shops? They're not recording for Father Christmas to watch later. But while it stops you throwing tantrums and fighting in public, I'm going to keep telling you that's what they're for!

LillethTheCat Mon 29-Jul-13 15:54:46

DS - I was always going to take you to the Air show at the weekend (it would have broken my heart not to) I just said I wasnt going to take you to get you to behave. Which is why you were always on your last warning.
We also often use the bad boys home where they have to work all day and only get one meal a day which consists of Gruel and water when there is nothing recent to bribe them with.

We have a black cat and once we told DS we also had a white cat who was often out on a day and only came in at night. He told DD1 and they both appeared to believe that for ages.

HollyMadison Mon 29-Jul-13 16:20:23

The iPad doesn't actually run out of batteries after two episodes of Peppa Pig.

BiddyPop Mon 29-Jul-13 16:28:48

For about 5 years, DD thought the ice cream van (for she DID know that's what it was) only played it's song when it had run out of ice cream. So we rarely had her asking for ice cream despite it calling every night at bedtime to our street.

Luckily, she now knows she gets plenty of nice treats otherwise, and that we can't spend all our money on ice cream, but we usually have mini icebergers in the freezer which she prefers to cones - and as we allow her a "treat" at bedtime (she is SOOO skinny she needs some extra fats in her diet) of a cookie or an ice cream with her milk and tablets, she doesn't go looking for it. (And I won't let her take a whole apple to bed because of the core left there for weeks - but she loves having an apple chopped into chunks so when she is still "hungry" 30 minutes after bedtime, I may cave in and offer her a bowl of apple chunks - I don't mind that even if I take a few minutes to agree to it, because it is usually ALL eaten up because of the fight she goes through to get it) grin

BiddyPop Mon 29-Jul-13 16:33:16

"Magic water" is also a great curer of all manner of bumps. It's the failsafe of the almost non-existent first aid kit at the local sportsclub (there is a proper FAK, but not always obvious when needed, but magic water rubbed on bumps and cuts is usually plenty to sort it out - and I do say that as a properly trained first aider and the occupational first aider at work!).

slug Mon 29-Jul-13 16:49:48

Those special chocolates that Daddy buys me and you can't have because they are full of 'booze' are really just posh chocs he got on sale and we want all for ourselves.

Honestly, 11 years old, Level 6 in SATS and it does not occur to you to read the ingredient list???

SleepyFish Mon 29-Jul-13 16:52:23

I forgot one.

Ds, I don't really have eyes in the back of my head. There's a baby monitor in your room that I turn on when you go upstairs with your friends which is how I know who started the inevitable argument.
So please stop tugging my hair looking for them.

Feel I should mention ds is 5 not 15, that would be weird.

ProudNeathGirl Mon 29-Jul-13 16:56:44

You know I told you that the ice cream can only plays music to warn people that its run out if ice cream....?

lynne999 Mon 29-Jul-13 17:40:11

When I told you the tooth fairy doesn't work at weekends (mummy had a couple of drinks and forgot) blush

HarderToKidnap Mon 29-Jul-13 18:07:44

Spiders CAN run on sheets.

And also, a dab of aftershave behind your ears doesn't actually keep spiders away while you sleep.

But good try mum, thanks. Believed it for YEARS. Still remember the moment a spider ran across the sheets towards me, my mind literally BLEW.

BalloonSlayer Mon 29-Jul-13 18:18:19

I can't really tell that it's a Friendly Spider.

In fact it looks pretty fecking unfriendly to me an' all . . .

MissStrawberry Mon 29-Jul-13 18:28:59

Poledra - yours is lovely.

Isn't anyone worried they will read this and find out their own parents have told you growing up? grin

LadyIsabellaWrotham Mon 29-Jul-13 19:03:40

DD, you know that time you were upset because the tooth fairy hadn't come and I checked your bed one more time and found that the pound had just fallen out of the special pillow? Yes it was funny you missed it the first time wasn't it?

Buswanker Mon 29-Jul-13 19:23:16

Father Christmas doesn't really have a 30 day return policy for parents to return naughty children's toys.

Your hamster didn't die peacefully in his sleep of old age, his murderous roommate ripped him to pieces and he died a slow and painful death.

The tv won't explode if someone under 18 looks at it past their bedtime. We just want you to go away so we can eat nice biscuits and watch Luther.

ClaraOswald Mon 29-Jul-13 19:35:11

SP, I remember the horror on a previous similar thread when a couple of posters realised that they childhood dogs had not gone to live on a farm after all.

queenebay Mon 29-Jul-13 20:58:25

My dh age 53 realised last year his dog as a boy hadn't been chosen to become a police dog!

mrsjay Mon 29-Jul-13 21:10:11

oh queensbay that happened to me i found out in my 30s my dog hadn't gone to a farm at all but gone to the vet i was devastated

mrsjay Mon 29-Jul-13 21:11:05

SP, I remember the horror on a previous similar thread when a couple of posters realised that they childhood dogs had not gone to live on a farm after all.

oh didnt see this how many of our dogs had gone to the farm shock

Yes, DS, it is rather strange how the sun shines so brightly at 8 o'clock at night. But it must be 8 o'clock because that's what the clock says. Aren't I kind to let you stay up a whole hour later than your usual bedtime of 7 o'clock?

Note to self: remember to change the clock back to the correct time when he's gone to bed grin

TiredFeet Mon 29-Jul-13 21:19:59

the TV doesn't really need re-charging after one episode of Thomas

there probably isn't really a policeman walking towards my car who will take it away if you don't get in the car seat right now

Its not really the baby in my tummy that needs a gigantic great big bowl of ice cream blush

My dog became a police dog. I only realised the truth a few year ago blush

LiegeAndLief Mon 29-Jul-13 22:00:59

Dd, you are not really a brilliant helper. Nor are you the best tap cleaner in the world. Truth be told, my heart sinks a little when I'm peacefully (and efficiently) cleaning the bathroom and you skip in asking to help.

I am hoping that all this cleaning aged 4 will mean you are doing it all yourself when you are 14, but sadly fear your love of cleaning will have evaporated by the time you are old enough to be any good at it.

Oh, and your potato peeling is rubbish too.

DespicableWee Mon 29-Jul-13 22:40:27

Chicken pox is not really called that because you will grow feathers out of any spots that you scratch. I just didnt want you to have a giant scar in the middle of your forehead like your brother.

Amazingly, your dog didnt go to live on a farm either. DSs are now in their early teens and still occasionally mention their dog who lives on a farm chasing rabbits all day. The one who went to the farm 10 years ago. When it was 12. G&T at school, utterly bloody clueless at home.

DespicableWee Mon 29-Jul-13 22:42:58

Oh and DS2, those fruit string things you love so much? That there is only one left in the box so you will need to run down to Aldi tomorrow to get some more? Loads of places sell them. I just want you to pick me up some sub rolls and mustard while you are there and I don't want to walk there myself.

queenebay Mon 29-Jul-13 22:46:19

And when I let you watch tv in bed on a Sunday morning its not for a special treat- its because I'm shagging your dad!

secretsoutherncomfortdrinker Mon 29-Jul-13 23:46:45

Roaring at queen hahaha.

willyoulistentome Mon 29-Jul-13 23:50:46

You are 8 & 10 now. I am no longer on the preschool committee. Those 'meetings' I have to go to?
It's the pub with my friends.

MartyrStewart Tue 30-Jul-13 00:11:23

All I have is 'MummyVision' doesn't really exist - You are just very noisy and we have a lot of reflective surfaces in our house.

Also, Aldi doesn't really have a 'Naughty Alarm' - I think they just use that to open extra tills.

colditz Tue 30-Jul-13 00:42:38

It's not the law to tell your mum everything, even secrets.

All that garlic? Yeah .... It's onion.

I can't hear you plotting from the other room, I just hear you go quiet.

The kitchen cleaner won't burn your skin off, but it does make the floor slippery,, which is why I don't want you to squirt it.

I would never send you to bed without having any dinner, no matter how much you bicker whilst I prepare it.

There really is no risk of being banned from computers until you're fifteen.

You know when I make you sit "facing the wall, saying and doing nothing for the rest of the day"? Ten minutes, max.

We don't have "bright evenings and dark evenings", sometimes I just need a night to myself and for you two to go to bed at eight.

I never fell off the back of a chair when I was little. Ditto getting run over because of being silly near roads, being bitten by strange dogs, or falling out of windows. I never went to hospital at all, not even once.

When I was your age, I ate a good deal more crap and much fewer vegetables. I HATED mushrooms and wouldn't have even considered a pork chop. I was a shit, and was frequently rude to my mother. I was too fat and I hated pe. I got quite a lot of pocket money and mostly got what I asked for.

Sometimes I hold my phone to my face to make you drop the subject of pudding.

EATmum Tue 30-Jul-13 00:57:10

It's not one of those funny English-language-coincidences that 'lamb' (that you eat) and 'lambs' that run around happily in the field have the same spelling and pronunciation.

DD1, that tshirt you bought from the naff shop in town? The one I hated?

Well, it didn't fall apart in the wash because it was so shoddily made...

95degree wash. wink

I didn't get a new grey hair every time I had to tell you off. Even you aren't that naughty.

(Worked until early teens when I confessed!)

Absy Tue 30-Jul-13 09:36:16

Well, I haven't yet had any DC yet, but.

Dear DM and DF,

I now realise that for all those years, DF wasn't going to his car to "listen to music and eat peppermints", like I believed until embarassingly late in life. He was smoking. shock

Now I realise that those sheep in trucks you pointed out when we were driving to the coast weren't going on holiday. The fact you pointed it out every time kind of disturbs me, but not as much as realising what was actually happening to them.

vladthedisorganised Tue 30-Jul-13 15:56:19

The swimming pool is actually open every day, rather than between 2 and 4 on Saturdays or between 4 and 6 on the occasional Friday.

Our TV isn't actually as temperamental as all that; it's just that I switch off any programmes I find overly annoying which is most of them

pollywollydoodle Tue 30-Jul-13 16:21:28

dd the corners of a toblerone aren't so sharp that tbey would cut a child's tender mouth

and the cameras on the traffic lights aren't tracking all your behaviour for santa

hellsbells76 Tue 30-Jul-13 17:12:56

Lovely 11 year old DS - you know the other week when you begged me to make fajitas for dinner and I umm'd and ahh'd and eventually said OK but only if you agreed to do ALL the washing up?

We were having them anyway. Ha!

TSSDNCOP Tue 30-Jul-13 20:37:05

It is not only daddy's iPAD that will download Angry Birds and has a YouTube icon, and mummy's isn't really just a rubbish low-spec version grin

queenebay Wed 31-Jul-13 00:22:45

Mummy's don't always have to have the first sweet out the packet to make sure they are ok.

5madthings Wed 31-Jul-13 00:50:37

Love this thread!

If I unscrew your belly button your bum won't really drop off.

All those times when I said 'it was special baby growing food' was just because I didn't want to share my treat, they wouldn't have made you grow a baby had you eaten them, esp given you are boys!

Mums have to have the first bite of any chocolate to check its not poisonous...

MammaTJ Wed 31-Jul-13 06:20:42

DD1, the orange smarties don't really make little girls poorly, they are just mummies favourite.

pollywollydoodle Wed 31-Jul-13 07:08:08

dd the crust off the tiger bread isn't too tough for children's teeth....and doesn't contain any ground up tiger...

oh and you were right, it was a different goldfish not something in his food affecting his fin colour

pollywollydoodle Wed 31-Jul-13 07:09:40

and me and your dad aren't actually napping. grin

LisaMWill Wed 31-Jul-13 08:24:52

The park isn't really closed when it's raining

MrsPennyapple Wed 31-Jul-13 09:37:06

MIL: When I ask you to have DD overnight, and you unfailingly suggest midweek, and I insist it needs to be on the weekend? It's not so that your son and I can go out for a drink in the evening, it's so we can stay in bed shagging the following morning.

BikeRunSki Wed 31-Jul-13 16:25:43

Lol at 5madthings!
4 yo DS recently told me "Mummy, you know, they don' t actually make poisonous ice cream".

TiredFeet Wed 31-Jul-13 18:58:12

Ds your eczema creams don't also happen to have magic dragon/ monster/ shark scaring away powers

saffronwblue Thu 01-Aug-13 00:07:23

Dear DC- Your Dad and I have had sex on more than the two occasions of conceiving you!

hellsbells76 Thu 01-Aug-13 14:46:20

Nonono my parents did it twice (Christmas '75 and Valentines Day '79) and neither my sister nor I will be persuaded otherwise. And dad's 1980 vasectomy proves NOTHING.

Kendodd Thu 01-Aug-13 14:52:24

Those people working in the supermarket, the ones with headphones on, they're not really checking all the children are being good.

brainwashed Fri 02-Aug-13 17:03:26

The food from a rather well known fast food chain isn't p really poisonous....they believed that one for ages!!

Sorry only just stumbled across the thread...

... A carrot on a stick isn't a lolly...or a treat...

(Still get away with it and the DCs are 9 and 6! They don't call it a lolly now though!)

M0naLisa Tue 06-Aug-13 00:55:30

Yes DS2 that is the fish man who plays the music - shame he found out it's actually the ice cream man and he isn't playing the music to let you know he's sold out!

ShakeAndVac Tue 10-Sep-13 00:28:16

I haven't let you stayed up really really late I keep emergency episodes of the bedtime hour recorded and put them on early, you're actually going to bed early.

GENIUS. grin

Anyway, DS? You're really really tired and fighting sleep and you're off to bed early.
What's that, you're refusing? <quickly puts all clocks forward an hour when he's not looking>
Oh look, it's bedtime now!

Can't get away with that anymore, he's got wiser and older (cries)

Speaking as my 41 year old self that recently discovered that the special soup that my mum used to make me if I was good was actually a liquidised version of the liver, mashed potato and peas that everyone else was eating, on behalf of your children I would like to say, You Bastards!

Thank you and good night.

Oh, and dd1, the skin on your fish shop cod doesn't have to be peeled off before you eat it, it's just too nice for you so I eat it in the kitchen when you've gone to bed smile

Sod it, skin should have been batter!

ILoveDolly Mon 14-Oct-13 18:54:16

Some great wheezes here.
Children's TV shows don't air after 7pm, and no, you didnt read that they did on the planner, that was just a malfunction hmm
If you catch me in the pantry, chewing, I'm not eating chocolate at all, I was just checking my back teeth for holes.
Mummy and Daddy NEVER order Pizza after you've gone to bed.

FBGirl Mon 14-Oct-13 22:28:13

Nobody ever eats more than 2 chocolate buttons at a time. 2 chocolate buttons is a massive amount of chocolate. Any more in one go and your teeth will go black and drop out. How many do I eat in one go? I have magic teeth that grow back.

skyeskyeskye Mon 14-Oct-13 22:34:37

DD, Marley dies, the film doesn't end where I stop it and I'm just like Phoebe's Grandmother

Also, that plastic dolls house that you saw in the charity shop that was "just like yours" and you wanted to buy it to keep at Nana's house....... Actually was yours .......

furbaby Mon 14-Oct-13 23:01:16

Dd (25) Hill sheep are not real .... yes I know we said
they had 2 legs shorter than other 2 so they don, t roll off the hill and I know that you believed us when we had admitted it all was a lie when you were 18
But its not my fault that your boyfriend told you that we were double bluffing you and it was true .....
Really darling all sheep have same length legs even if they live on hills and now darling boyfriend is lying not mum and dad

jonfp Tue 15-Oct-13 00:05:54

Dd, I wasn't in status quo before you were born. That man on my tour t shirt isn't me playing guitar with my friends when I was in a band, it's Francis Rossi.
Those YouTube videos I showed you that really impressed you weren't me either, I have no idea how to play a guitar, which is why I fumble about pretending to tune up your pink one until you get bored.
I fully intend to tell you about my little white lie soon, but your hero worship of daddy's band is just a little too good to let go of just yet.

flippingebay Tue 15-Oct-13 00:09:34

The flashing lights on the broadband hub isn't actually Father Christmas checking up on you

meddie Wed 23-Oct-13 13:43:35

DS Billy the pasta shell didnt really turn into a pasta shell because he ate too much pasta. That piece of pasta I kept in the cupboard didnt warn you about the perils of excess consumption. Im just a good ventriloquist

Ds green mash doesnt come from green potatoes. It had peas in it.

You know that branded cereal you loved and would never eat anything else.it was Aldis own brand I just swapped the packets

DD There isnt a child eating monster in the cellar. See above for ventriloquist skills

Dd the burglar alarms arent spies for father xmas

Sonflar isnt the naughtiest swear word in the world .

M0naLisa Wed 20-Nov-13 23:38:37

That 'fish man' that comes
Down the street playing loud songs actually sells I've creams wink

FortyDoorsToNowhere Thu 21-Nov-13 04:01:10

These are too funny.

I do the counting thing, also the ice cream van thing.

Mummy special cereal isn't nothing special it's just the box I keep my nice chocolate in smile

LindseyJM Thu 28-Nov-13 14:00:02

DS1, those uber skinny jeans you got last Christmas were actually from the girls section!! And those blocks of milk chocolate in the cupboard aren't really used for mummy's cooking, I just like to eat them without you bending my bloody ears all night!

themidwife Thu 28-Nov-13 15:51:13

No those circular things on the ceiling with the little light aren't Santa Cams. They're smoke alarms. But it stopped you mid tantrum didn't it? smile

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