Explain Children's TV Shows to me.

(160 Posts)
TiggyD Sat 06-Jul-13 21:52:01

I work in childcare and need to keep up to date with children's TV shows so I know what the kids are on about. Please could you explain a show each in just one sentence. And please could somebody do Ben 10?!

eg,
Teletubbies:
4 coloured blobs with various antenae prance about life eating toast and custard aided by a possessed hoover.

I can cook - the most annoying, vapid tv presenter (Katie)* getting uninterested children to prepare food by pretending to be parrots and other random crap, then singing tunelessly to recap how they did it......

* I do know that she is an actress so is probably lovely in real life!

PseudoBadger Sat 06-Jul-13 22:00:38

Me Too - various children and a dog are dumped on an early middle aged transvestite whilst their parents screw up in their jobs. There is singing.

comeonbishbosh Sat 06-Jul-13 22:22:29

Numtums. A number from 1 to 10 is chosen each day. There is singing with limited lyrics.

ZolaBuddleia Sat 06-Jul-13 22:25:48

Waybuloo - children whose voices don't match their mouths do yoga on astroturf whilst interacting with floaty fuckers.

ZolaBuddleia Sat 06-Jul-13 22:27:42

Grandpa In My Pocket - a set of teeth maraud round Aldeburgh whilst James Bolam thinks of the money.

RippingYarns Sat 06-Jul-13 22:27:51

Mr Maker

a bloke who wears an incorrectly buttoned up jacket who fucks about with googly eyes and a whole rack of doodle drawers

i doubt he could make a cup of tea tbh

PseudoBadger Sat 06-Jul-13 22:29:57

Charlie and Lola - older brother looks after younger sister who has clearly bludgeoned their parents to death. He must think happy thoughts or she will be angered.

kim147 Sat 06-Jul-13 22:30:26

Octonauts

8 animals live in an underwater octopod, have adventures in their Gups and listen to creature reports.

kim147 Sat 06-Jul-13 22:31:37

64 Zoo Lane

A girl slides down the neck of a giraffe and hears the zoo animals discuss their old life without any thought to health and safety.

Great theme tune though.

PoppyWearer Sat 06-Jul-13 22:31:47

Peppa Pig - an extremely bossy/annoying badly-drawn pig goes through life losing her teddy bear with alarming frequency, accompanied by various alliterately-named cohorts, a dinosaur-fixated little brother, and incompetent parents.

Rabbits are the equivalent of immigrant labour in Peppa Pig's world.

If your charges ever say anything bossy, they probably saw it on Peppa Pig.

Thurlow Sat 06-Jul-13 22:34:00

Mike the Knight - obnoxious, spoiled little twerp ruins everyone else's game by taking over and generally being an irritating tit.

AuntieStella Sat 06-Jul-13 22:35:03

The Hoobs: five creatures made from face flannels observe human behaviour.

RippingYarns Sat 06-Jul-13 22:36:18

Everything's Rosie

but it isn't as the fucking rabbit cries again and all the rest of the cast run rings trying to make him feel better under the guise of a moral tale

RippingYarns Sat 06-Jul-13 22:36:44

hooble-dooble-doo-oo!!

notanyanymore Sat 06-Jul-13 22:36:53

pseudobadger - amazing. You've just solved the riddle of charlie & Lola for me, I always knew there was something dodgy going on there... (I thought it was parental substance abuse and child neglect but your answer makes much more sense)

AuntieStella Sat 06-Jul-13 22:37:09

Deadly 60: seriously fit presenter captures maternal audience who justify it because it's educational.

Horrible Histories: ditto with a wider selection of fit men, plus some women for those who refer that sex.

Thurlow Sat 06-Jul-13 22:37:19

Raa Raa the Noisy Lion: like Xanax for 18 month olds.

PseudoBadger Sat 06-Jul-13 22:37:58

grin

comeonbishbosh Sat 06-Jul-13 22:38:26

Lets Play.

Mr Benn remix with two hottie presenters who "really really really really hope that it's me".

Thurlow Sat 06-Jul-13 22:38:51

Sausage, Katie is the one presenter I think is doing it just to be on TV, rather than having an actual interest in children.

I'll also add Baby Jake - there's no point trying to figure out what it is about; what it is about is giving you screaming nightmares.

exiledmancityfan Sat 06-Jul-13 22:39:44

Almost Naked Animals: fucking annoying cartoon on CITV that DS1 is banned from watching

RippingYarns Sat 06-Jul-13 22:39:51

postman pat

tales of the trials and tribulations of the most incompetent postal service known to humanity

only 5 customers a day* (average) and he STILL manages to fuck it up

startwig1982 Sat 06-Jul-13 22:40:23

In the night garden: a possible dream of Igglepiggle, where random characters do nothing of any consequence and speak gibberish. Slightly soporific.

That summary of Me Too! is spot on grin

PseudoBadger Sat 06-Jul-13 22:41:04

Timmy Time. Baaaa baaa baa? Hoot hooooot hoot hoot. Yip yap.

GetKnitted Sat 06-Jul-13 22:41:13

Loving this thread

Abney and Teal

Discarded toys come to life (in a park on an island) accompanied by a halucinagenic turnip and a farting lake monster... have adventures and high jinx to the tune of a dog playing an accordian...

really

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

exiledmancityfan Sat 06-Jul-13 22:42:52

Ben10 boy with fights aliens to save world. He is a Plumber (not really its code for alien fighter) and chooses hus alien from a watch called an omnitrix Possibly slightly insestous relationship with Gwen hus cousin who also has special powers.

PseudoBadger Sat 06-Jul-13 22:43:07

I always thought Teal was a reanimated cadaver (she is the most disturbing colour) until I realised they were puppets!

comeonbishbosh Sat 06-Jul-13 22:44:08

Show me show me.

Slightly less hottie but ever so naice presenters channel the Play School vibe and do the children's television equivalent of synchronised swimming.

PoppyWearer Sat 06-Jul-13 22:44:14

Rhyme Rocket:

A ham, a jam, and a great big flan.

(Made no sense to me either, but it rhymes and is therefore teaching the children words, apparently.)

I'm still not sure where the rocket comes into it.

Mr Bloom
A chance to fantasise about a seriously sexy gardener.

Ben 10: ten-year-old on summer roadtrip with grandfather and cousin stumbles upon alien artifact that enables him to temporarily change into different alien species and battle bad guys in what proves to be a surprisingly coherent series plot arc.

Catmint Sat 06-Jul-13 22:45:52

Old Jack's Boat: everybody wanted Jackanory back but they needed a gimmick and couldn't afford the rights to any real books.

startwig1982 Sat 06-Jul-13 22:46:32

Shaun the sheep: based on the Wallace and Gromit Shaun the sheep with aardman animations. Shaun, Blitzer the dog, the farmer and a variety of other animals get up to lots of hilarities normally involving Shaun being clever or naughty. The farmer is portrayed as a bit of a dimwit and the pigs are downright mean!

PoppyWearer Sat 06-Jul-13 22:46:32

Woolly and Tig: a (it's only a) toy spider channels Granny Murray from "Me Too" and guides a young Scottish girl through such worrying life experiences as encountering a man with a beard.

RippingYarns Sat 06-Jul-13 22:47:05

cbeebies bedtime story

a star from the latest big budget BBC funded drama reads a story to camera whilst grown ups at home wrestle with the wine and microwave dinners

piprabbit Sat 06-Jul-13 22:48:41

Strange Hill High - Moss from the IT Crowd reprises his role as a bespectacled oddball caught in a surreal world.

PoppyWearer Sat 06-Jul-13 22:49:01

Jelly Jamm: fuck knows what it's about. Not a clue.

Postman Pat
Quite possibly the worst Postman in the entire world!

PoppyWearer Sat 06-Jul-13 22:51:13

Bob the Builder: an animated version of "Grand Designs" in which all of the building equipment has developed artificial intelligence as free will, and the increasingly Eco-minded building projects each take no more than a day to complete, no matter how complex. Budgets do not appear to be an issue.

RippingYarns Sat 06-Jul-13 22:51:23

bob the builder

bob (the builder) builds fuck all while wendy and a team of haunted heavy plant do their stuff

AuntieStella Sat 06-Jul-13 22:51:38

Blue Peter: long running magazine show whose presenters become either National Treasures or National Disgraces.

Catmint Sat 06-Jul-13 22:51:43

Tree Fu Tom: an insufferable boy miniaturises himself in order to patronise a butterfly, a bug, an acorn and a frog, summoning up 'big world magic' to resolve every self inflicted problem by performing half arsed pretend exercises.

nenevomito Sat 06-Jul-13 22:51:44

Fireman Sam

Group of firefighters sort out yet another fuck up caused by the ASBO earning Norman price and his feckless mother. One Italian stereo type and the boy's voice is done by a girl.

PoppyWearer Sat 06-Jul-13 22:52:07

Or what RippingYarns said. Nice juxtaposition!

comeonbishbosh Sat 06-Jul-13 22:52:15

Old Jacks Boat

Bernard Cribbins and beautiful dog Rusty escape a charming seaside location (it's STAITHES we all cry out smugly) populated by frankly lunatic residents by sailing on their unnecessarily CGI-ed boat. A tedious story is told.

RippingYarns Sat 06-Jul-13 22:53:13

grin

PoppyWearer Sat 06-Jul-13 22:53:45

Get Well Soon: a real doctor (who is a bit of a hottie) talks about poo lots. Really, lots.

TheDeadlyDonkey Sat 06-Jul-13 22:54:15

Get Well Soon - Dr Ranj teaches children to not only laugh about poo, but to sing about it too!

Panzee Sat 06-Jul-13 22:54:20

Ben and Holly's Little Kingdom: Owen from Corrie is king of the fairies. Grandpa Pig is the Wise old Elf. Nanny Plum rocks. That's about it.

nenevomito Sat 06-Jul-13 22:54:29

The Wiggles

4 old Australian blokes sing songs that make toddlers happy and adults cry. There are puppets. They add nothing. There is a pirate with a large feather that he pretends is a sword. His job is to be so fucking annoying that the 4 old Australian blokes actually seem reasonable.

PseudoBadger Sat 06-Jul-13 22:54:53

The Lingo Show. Learn any language as long as it's Welsh.

RippingYarns Sat 06-Jul-13 22:54:59

nina and the neurons

nina dumbs down science for people who really want to learn while wearing waaaaay too much eyeshadow

PoppyWearer Sat 06-Jul-13 22:55:22

Doc McStuffins: annoying child mends broken toys.

AuntieStella Sat 06-Jul-13 22:55:38

All Over The Place - bizarre road trip showing slices of life in USA, whilst parents wonder if Ed and Naomi are at it like rabbits off-camera.

Catmint Sat 06-Jul-13 22:56:02

Peter Rabbit: the memory of Beatrix Potter is trampled into a steaming pile of shit.

Panzee Sat 06-Jul-13 22:56:19

Rhyme Rocket: a rhyming dictionary is used by two people watching their acting career disappear down the toilet. And they take off at slightly different times. Just watch the countdown.

coppertop Sat 06-Jul-13 22:56:33

Get Well Soon:

A doctor, who specialises in puppet anatomy, is visited by various unaccompanied child puppets. If asked a question he asks a nurse to answer it. The nurse is unable to do so without the help of several human children who sing about throwing and catching a ball. Viewers start to feel itchy or otherwise ill after watching.

kim147 Sat 06-Jul-13 22:57:08

Scooby Doo

4 pesky kids and a dog who likes scooby snacks travel in a van.
They usually go to a funfair and meet some nice chap. Something gets stolen and there's a ghost. They catch the ghost who turns out to be the first person they met.

And he would have got away with it.

ZolaBuddleia Sat 06-Jul-13 22:57:50

Andy's Wild Adventures - Fatima Whitbread presents Animal Park with a smaller budget.

Ben 10 Alien Force: fifteen-year-old rediscovers alien artifact at the bottom of his sock drawer and recommences battling bad guys without grandfather, road trip or any of the charm of the original series.

RippingYarns Sat 06-Jul-13 22:58:27

big cook little cook

2 jobbing actors who knew the floor manager pretend they know anything about food, one is shrunk (little) and the other is really camp big

the twist in the tale being that little cock cook small is taller than big cook in RL

DespicableYou Sat 06-Jul-13 22:59:04

Am I the only shameless bastard that lets them watch sky rather than cbeebies???

Dora the explorer - a 6 yr old who sings and says 'vanamos' a lot - there is a fox who swipes things.

Sophia the first - disney singing princess muck.

Jake and the neverland pirates - shameless peter pan spin off with singing pirates.

Ben and hollys little kingdom - elves and faries

AuntieStella Sat 06-Jul-13 23:00:02

Balamory: people do very ordinary things in very bright colours.

kim147 Sat 06-Jul-13 23:00:06

Pokemon - DS can explain that for you but it involves battles.

Nina and the Neurons - grown woman with pigtails over explains 'why bread goes mouldy'.

Ben 10 Ultimate Alien: fifteen-year-old embarks upon a quest to convince the viewer that, actually, Ben 10 Alien Force wasn't too bad, all things considered.

picnicbasketcase Sat 06-Jul-13 23:01:29

Sofia the First - Disney computer generated animation, stunningly demonstrates lack of understanding what monarchy involves.

piprabbit Sat 06-Jul-13 23:01:51

Old Jack's Boat - Bernard Cribbens tells lovely stories in his lovely voice while wearing a jumper. Pretty much what he's been doing on BBC children's programming since the year dot.

comeonbishbosh Sat 06-Jul-13 23:01:54

The Koala Brothers

Animal antics in the outback.

The fight for fair representation of gay partnerships slips through the fingers after The Powers That Be decide this helpful charming couple are brothers not lovers.

PseudoBadger Sat 06-Jul-13 23:04:25

Nuzzle and Scratch. Basically they're Alpacas from the Andes with hooves instead of handies.

RippingYarns Sat 06-Jul-13 23:05:44

the chuckle brothers

brothers re-enact old laurel and hardy sketches but wearing yellow slacks and loafers

Slightly off topic, but I can't watch Mike the Knight without hearing a MNers very apt description: "Mike the Knight is an entitled little shit".

I giggle every morning grin

Ben 10 Omniverse: freakishly animated sixteen-year-old makes you feel wistful for the occasional guest appearances that David McCallum would occasionally make in the previous series, interspersed with flashbacks to his eleven-year-old-self (the sixteen-year-old's eleven-year-old self, not David McCallum's, because that would be too interesting) just to remind you how much more fun the show used to be.

Baby Jake - small animated baby from '16 kids and counting' who lives in a lighthouse flies through space while talking a special baby language and singing songs with rabbits and hamsters.

Catmint Sat 06-Jul-13 23:07:27

Ker whizz: eyeballs are seared by cgi characters who are unbelievably unobservant. They subsequently pretend to race flying machines around surreal landscapes. All narrated by a strange Lewis Hamilton alike, who talks in strange alliterative rhyme.

threepiecesuite Sat 06-Jul-13 23:07:53

Come Outside:
Kindly spinster flies spotty plane to factories. Surprisingly compelling.

Granddad in my pocket - you guessed it. There's a Granddad in his pocket.

Bubble Guppies: unutterably perky merchildren light fires, feed chickens and visit airports underwater, as you do.

piprabbit Sat 06-Jul-13 23:13:53

I thought Baby Jake lived in a Windmill blush.

threepiecesuite Sat 06-Jul-13 23:14:48

little Charley Bear:
James Corden talks down to cute bear who has mildly perilous adventures. Unbelievable.

threepiecesuite Sat 06-Jul-13 23:15:42

Pingu
Fuck knows.

threepiecesuite Sat 06-Jul-13 23:18:46

Small Potatoes
Starchy crop gangs do mundane things.

Driver Dan's Story Train: Peter Serafinowicz tells your children a story, then tests whether they were paying attention; it's never made clear precisely what will happen if they can't "show him the story".

LemonMousse Sat 06-Jul-13 23:19:48

Balamory - a small Scottish nursery school is run by a woman who has never changed her cardi in about 15 years.

MorrisZapp Sat 06-Jul-13 23:20:52

Gigglebiz

Blurry faced toddler favourite Justin Fletcher removes the swears from Little Britain and proves that comedy doesn't have to troubling sexual content or patronize minorities in order to be piss funny.

I'M RAPIDS JOHNSTON!

Nuzzle and Scratch - furry llama bastards
Waybuloo - floaty, noseless bastards
In the Night Garden - hallucinogenic bastards
Grandpa in my Pocket - elderly bastards
Me Too - neglectful bastards
Gigglebiz - Justin disguised as various bastards
Squiglet - bastards

WandaDoff Sat 06-Jul-13 23:22:39

Mickey Mouse Clubhouse.

High security prison/asylum for mutant lab animals.

Mice in shorts, Ducks with speech impediments in everything but shorts.

Dogs that talk, or not.

Psychedelic musical numbers, hot dogs for the eternal munchies.

Heavy shit man. wink

PandaNot Sat 06-Jul-13 23:24:46

Thomas the Tank Engine. An accident ridden rail network that should have been closed down by the health and safety executive year ago.

ouryve Sat 06-Jul-13 23:27:22

Big and Small: Lenny Henry has bills to pay.

piprabbit Sat 06-Jul-13 23:27:42

Ministry of Curious Stuff - Vic Reeves and Angelos Epithemiou answer viewers questions about curious stuff with a complete disregard for sanity and reasonableness. Essential viewing.

MeanAndMeaslyMiddleAges Sat 06-Jul-13 23:32:41

Ben and Holly

Despotic fairy family live a life of frivolity whilst lording it over hardworking elves who will one day rise up against the oppressive royal family in a Russian-revolution inspired act of aggression. Wise Old Elf wants to get it on with Nanny Plum.

Ballamory
Miles Jupp loathes himself.

MeanAndMeaslyMiddleAges Sat 06-Jul-13 23:35:00

Squiglet

The BBC believes your children are idiots incapable of understanding words such as crayons and notepads, henceforth known as 'squigglesticks' and 'squigglepads'.

lucysmam Sat 06-Jul-13 23:35:45

these are funny! dp is looking at me like hmm while I giggle away to myself grin

Same Smile: Two out of three inanimate pandas are sent out to play with children and solicit "presents" for the only slightly more animate presenter in spite of the fact that she's the only person on screen who's actually being paid for this.

RubyrooUK Sat 06-Jul-13 23:36:23

Little Princess - the Royals are not toffs, but are brown-cardigan wearing, farting, burping Northerners. The Princess appears to be flushed from roseacea or a heavy drinking habit. Everyone is camp.

MeanAndMeaslyMiddleAges Sat 06-Jul-13 23:41:57

Horrible Histories

Hysterical programme with great songs, teaching everyone the true gory bits of history (except for the bits that QI reckons aren't true).

MeanAndMeaslyMiddleAges Sat 06-Jul-13 23:43:37

Nuzzle and Scratch
Catchy theme tube. One alpaca sounds like Stupid Death from Horrible Histories, except he isn't.

Bob the Builder: Rip-off of Remington Steele in which talented female builder invents male figurehead to improve business then has to watch as amiable conman takes over the role.

MeanAndMeaslyMiddleAges Sat 06-Jul-13 23:45:57

Miao Mao

Plasticine cats teach us that Italian budgets for kids' shows aren't high.

Tell me why

Descartes for Deschildren.

MeanAndMeaslyMiddleAges Sat 06-Jul-13 23:47:07

Roary the racing car

Peter Kaye voices a mechanic with grapes instead of hair.

BaldricksTurnip Sat 06-Jul-13 23:48:40

Fucking brilliant thread grin

MeanAndMeaslyMiddleAges Sat 06-Jul-13 23:49:38

Tweenies

Annoying preschooler puppets go to daycare. Their parents are probably sahm/sahds who just can't cope with their shit anymore.

Mist, Sheepdog Tales: dogs on a farm on the Devon/Somerset borders talk in a variety of regional accents. Ducks, sheep, chickens and a seal also talk. One of the dogs loathes everyone else. The rest are out to please.

Big Barn Farm: like Mist, but with none of the charm or humour. The piglet will surely develop an eating disorder, as he is constantly being fed to make his mouth look like he is talking. Oddly for a Labrador, he wouldn't respond to the 'constant treats' regime, so they cgi-ed his chops. Freaky!

Wonderpets: real guinea pig who lives in a cartoon hamster cage teams up with a turtle and a duckling to moonlight as animal rescuers. They have a flying boat, a repertoire of songs and an unfailing belief in the power of teamwork.

MeanAndMeaslyMiddleAges Sat 06-Jul-13 23:51:16

Zingzillas

Evil is coming - bring musical instruments.

Mr Bloom's Nursery

Mummy's little treat.

piprabbit - my mistake, it is a windmill.

threepiecesuite Sat 06-Jul-13 23:57:44

Loving these. This thread deserves to go in Classics.

NoComet Sat 06-Jul-13 23:59:44

Fimbles, defunked telly tubbies rip of with stripes.

NoComet Sun 07-Jul-13 00:02:39

Shaun the sheep - pure genius, guaranteed to cheer up anyone from 0-101

MeanAndMeaslyMiddleAges Sun 07-Jul-13 00:14:06

Peppa Pig

What your breakfast did before it was bacon.

MamaChubbyLegs Sun 07-Jul-13 00:19:53

My favourite:
Get Well Soon - 'Embarrassing Bodies' with puppets and songs!

My absolute detested least favourite:
Charley Bear - Some whiney killjoy twat tells tales on his teddy bear.

Flibbedyjibbet Sun 07-Jul-13 00:42:49

Zola, love the Fatima Whitbread comment.
Gwedoline, in short then they"re all bastards?!

How did I not know about Owen from Corrie and James Corden (now he is a smug bastard).

Can't offer much to this as have the most wondrous ability to look but not actually watch kids tv. It just doesn't go in (apart from Peppa Pig prob due to repetition like times tables as a kid).

Can I just throw Roary the Racing car in to the mix, how much must that programme cost.. Peter Kay, Murray Walker, Sir Stirling Moss

WandaDoff Sun 07-Jul-13 00:57:57

Special Agent Oso - Useless cunt.

PseudoBadger Sun 07-Jul-13 06:03:59

Zingzillas - the hallucinations of a poor sloth at Whipsnade Zoo who has been slipped LSD by visiting school children.

JanePlanet Sun 07-Jul-13 06:18:26

Rhyme Rocket - the BBC's way of demonstrating to license payers that they really are trying to make budget stretch.

Jelly Jam - an animated representation of a nervous breakdown.

TripTheLightFanjotastic Sun 07-Jul-13 06:41:36

Justin's House - Noel's House Party for children

RippingYarns Sun 07-Jul-13 07:17:13

Dennis and Gnasher

Another crushing reminder that things just ain't what they used to be

OodPi Sun 07-Jul-13 07:42:10

Sarah and Duck- girl & duck have adventures with talking inanimate objects or tslking knitting done by their neighbour.
Total genius.
Our family favourite!

sparkle101 Sun 07-Jul-13 08:00:01

In the night garden.

Various characters run around the garden doing things such as chasing a ball, chasing a bed, chasing a life.

Iggle piggle: blue, annoying, often drunk and falls over at the first sign if trouble, surgically attached to red blanket.

Upsy daisy: hussy, likes to go round kissing iggle piggle very often. Inflates her skirt to dance and shows off her pants. Has a bed that follows her around. Need I say more?

Makka pakka: an anaemic turd looking character who has OCD with regards to collecting stones and washing things: people's faces, stones etc. He appears very lonely and ostracised from the iggle piggle/upsy daisy stuff.

Pontypines: two adults, eight children living in one room. Mrs pontypine a voyeur who watches everything through binoculars. No control over kids can often find one behind a tree and another in a plant pot.

Tombliboos: three annoying ones who lose their trousers at first sign of trouble, play music really badly and share a bed. Hmmmm.

The wottingers: who?

sparkle101 Sun 07-Jul-13 08:01:44

What is most worrying though is in my just woken up state when I saw what I thought was a children's show of big cock little cock shock

PoppyWearer Sun 07-Jul-13 08:04:27

City of Friends - as crap as it sounds.

Mr Men - ten billion times more shit than you remember it being. Now with jazzy music, proper animation (which surely wasn't the point?) and politically-correct names. And American accents.

Roobarb and Custard - exactly the same as in the 80's. That's better!

Mr Moon - made it to bedtime, thank fuck for that!

ShipwreckedAndComatose Sun 07-Jul-13 08:16:06

Adventure Time: Finn and his dog do LSD and trip big time.

ShipwreckedAndComatose Sun 07-Jul-13 08:22:53

Sparkle, best description yet! grin

Kveta Sun 07-Jul-13 08:25:41

Tweenies: brightly coloured teratomas infiltrate children's daycare centre, and cause nightmares.

Mr Maker: boggle-eyed loon traps small people inside shape costumes then forces them to dance for his pleasure, whilst he mixes glue with paint, and colours in rubbish before it hits the bin.

Timmy Time: wee lamb goes to nursery with his friends, and not much happens, but it does so delightfully.

Pingu: anarchy at the South Pole!

Tree Fu Tom: fuck knows.

PseudoBadger Sun 07-Jul-13 08:26:30

Olly the Little White Van - Justin Fletcher continues his master plan towards world domination. Voicing a singing and dancing motor vehicle is just another step on the way.

ZenGardener Sun 07-Jul-13 08:36:11

I'm impressed. I never actually watch these programs, I just dump my kids in front of them while I get on with other stuff.

I do like the music on Jake and the Neverland Pirates.

Timmy's incessant baa-ing drives me mental.

I have never been able to figure out what Pokemon is about. I don't actually think it is about anything.

BelleEtLaBaby Sun 07-Jul-13 08:48:26

Andy's Wild Adventures. Who cares what it's about? Andy's in it, and quite often his shirt gets wet... blush

Get Well Soon:

A man is obsessed with poo.

So much so, he is allowed to do a show which is practically all about poo.

He lives out his happy poo fantasies whilst occasionally helping the puppets with various illnesses and making toddlers think they're GP will be hot (and setting them up for a lot of sadness in the future).

JulieAnderton Sun 07-Jul-13 09:35:14

What's the big idea?

Sinister looking alien channels Descates asking questions such as "what does it mean to learn something?".

MeanAndMeaslyMiddleAges Sun 07-Jul-13 09:58:58

Let's Play - A woman can do anything a man can! Sid gets all the crap jobs.

Dontlookbehindyou Sun 07-Jul-13 10:27:57

What's the big idea- Hugo, bizarre boy in a jumpsuit asks toddlers questions about dying and sadness at far too early o'clock.

I will rest my case with Dhs name for mike the knight. In our house its called mike the twat.

TiggyD Sun 07-Jul-13 10:36:43

Guess the programmes:

World's most boring boy and his most boring friends have adventures interupted by milkshake addicted frog conductor.

Boy has defective torch that gives off hallucinogenic gasses every night.

Creepy goody goodies have fun paid for by you, and groom young children with the promise of badges.

Panzee Sun 07-Jul-13 11:22:03

Are these retro Tiggy? The second one is sounding like Jamie and his Magic Torch.

ShipwreckedAndComatose Sun 07-Jul-13 11:25:03

Bod!!

cocolepew Sun 07-Jul-13 11:45:44

Spongebob Squarepants, tender tale of inter species gay love, set in an underwater utopia.
With burgers.

TiggyD Sun 07-Jul-13 11:47:00

Yes Panzee and Shipwrecked!

cocolepew Sun 07-Jul-13 11:47:47

Mr Benn, man comes out of the closet dressed as one of the Village People.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TiggyD Sun 07-Jul-13 12:22:42

Yup, Blue Peter was the third.

How about:
5 kids learn about life by fighting monsters in a miniature city made of cardboard.

Grown adults spend the day playing with a couple of teddies, a hideous doll, a hippy doll, and a rugby ball with a face.

A bunch of sexist trains who go off the rails every five minutes and make fun of their boss. (It's glandular!)

Numbers defend the world against a bunch of weirdos who mess things up all the time.

GoofyIsACow Sun 07-Jul-13 12:41:01

Excellent thread! grin

Balamory - basically The Wicker Man without the nudity. What did happen to the original Josie Jump? shock PC Plum is on borrowed time.

Same Smile - not entirely sure what its about but the theme tune sounds just like "Crash" by The Primitives.

Let's Play - a horrific Big Brother style gameshow where Sid and whatever her name is compete to stay alive. "Let it be me"

What's The Big Idea - a disturbing vision of our utopian future. Jumpsuits and no walls.

Dirtgirl World - dear God no!

GoofyIsACow Sun 07-Jul-13 12:48:47

Same Smile - I am yet to get over the episode where they took one of them swimming and threw it in the pool shock

All i could think was 'that'll take bloody ages to dry and it will stink' grin

GoofyIsACow Sun 07-Jul-13 12:58:58

Mr Tumble - fairly likeable clown type chap who does sign language and other crazy shit stuff. Constantly shocked by his own existence.
Grandad Tumble - his ageing grandad whom he picks on and generally takes the piss out of, sleeps a lot
Aunt Polly- posh widow twankey on crack
Lord Tumble - posh country gent... Also on crack
Cliff Tumble - ageing pop star, quite possibly on crack
Tiny Tumble - a chance to milk the Tumble franchise for all it's worth, without having to get Fletch in for more filming.

GoofyIsACow Sun 07-Jul-13 12:59:53

Justins House -as someone said before Noels house party for kids... But also Ashley Peacock lives next door! Who knew?!

500internalerror Sun 07-Jul-13 13:15:18

Sorry I've Got No Head - comedy sketches that finish just a little too late, so we leave late for school and run like the wind! Appeals to parents who remember really telly and comedy nights before kids...

notcitrus Sun 07-Jul-13 14:06:28

Big City Park: Sesame Street spins off to a Belfast park, losing the budget en route so there's one huge shaggy puppet called Ruari, a perky squirrel, a depressed badger, and one annoying Scottish presenter. And obligatory children. They Skype Ernie and Bert.

notcitrus Sun 07-Jul-13 14:08:36

Small Potatoes: some spuds of limited growth don't want to be turned into chips so go seek fame and fortune by singing and dancing a range of styles. Surprisingly good but your child will refuse to eat potatoes ever again.

notcitrus Sun 07-Jul-13 14:12:26

Mr Bloom's nursery: Beeb thinks that children will be more likely to eat veg if they form relationships with them first, such as Margaret the cauliflower and Sebastian the posh aubergine. Might work if only to rescue them from the clutches of their oversized elf captor.

notcitrus Sun 07-Jul-13 14:16:17

Big Cock Little Cock, sorry cook: Big Cock is too gormless to kill little Cock for flying around on a spoon. Between the two of them they can only do one dish for a nursery rhyme character in 20 minutes, so thankfully seem to have closed their cafe down.

Notafoodbabyanymore Tue 09-Jul-13 16:17:12

Dirtgirlworld - cartoony little girl with the facial features of an adult woman pouts and winks grotesquely and prances around like a damn fool whilst teaching children about gardening and conservation.

Green balloon club - a group of annoying little idiots put on their best stage school smiles and bore on about the environment.

Sorry I'm late to the party.

Calvinclomp Wed 10-Jul-13 17:59:01

Wooly and Tig
Spoilt horrible little bitch who has a pretty good looking mum and her dad was the gay copper in taggart. The girl cries and sulks the minute things aren't going her way or she drops a chocolate button or some other trivial nonsensical shit!
Parents drug the kid to get her to shut the fuck up and in her drug induced haze she starts talking to a little goody two shoes totally unrealistic looking Scottish spider.
Girl calms down, lather, rinse, repeat.

BlueEyedBrunette Tue 20-Aug-13 21:28:23

Numberjacks.....numbers live in a sofa and fight a giant undertaker, a ginger head, a pink flying spoon, a blob-throwing blob and a weird shape thing with teeth.

The spoon is cool.

eden263 Sat 26-Oct-13 00:25:00

Justin's House - Award winning, shiny faced, frustrated housewives' totty Fletcher whores himself in a self-indulgent megalomaniacal fashion, whilst wiggling his bottom, doing endless pratfalls and getting covered in custard pies, as his adoring camp robot housemate/butler swoons over him and 200 confused toddlers look on and come in too early with the egotistical theme tune.

Green Balloon Club - Four posh stage school children who need a good slap read woodenly from the autocue (apart from Cat who is actually quite OK), joined by a couple of 'nice' adult presenters and a well-trained dog. They pretend to fly through the sky in a pedal-powered hot air balloon, taking in nature reports from the ground from proletariat children who are 'club members'. Usually concludes with a song about plants, trees or insects. Let's do...the waggle dance.

Let's Play - Man & woman live platonically in 2D paper house, fight over who is going to be the chosen one for the day by doing an insane and scary dance involving cloning and gurning, both ending up in the story anyway, playing a host of transsexual characters in ill-fitting costumes then later have to act as if they knew nothing about any of it.

Divinyl Sun 24-Nov-13 19:03:07

Carrie and David's Pop Shop: known to our family as 'Carrie and David's Pop Sh..' due to the speed of turning off the TV once programme is announced. One of the duo, obivious which, must have made it into Children's TV on the merits of certain other rather specific favours.

Numtums: As description above, but will give you mild depression if you happen to watch around the time of needing a shower and the obvious similarities to 'Mumtums'.

The Octonauts: live in an Octopod under the sea that seems to operate like a giant sphincter. Crew put Octo before most nouns. There is usually a kelp forest that wipes out the Octopod's Octo-no claims bonus.

Rastamouse: If taken passively in the morning, there is no way that you will be able to turn your mind to anything adult and dull later without the theme tune repeating on you like a plate of fried onions.

Tigresswoods Sun 26-Jan-14 22:26:33

Lazytown- continental European drivel about some fit bloke who exercises a lot & appears to only eat apples. Hangs out with grown woman dressed as pre-pubescent girl.
Monumentally creepy but unmissable at the same time.

Daddyofone Sun 26-Jan-14 22:48:40

Scooby Do.

A pot head and his stoned dog with a bad case of the perma munchies solve crimes with their straight laced friends whilst driving around in Ken Casey's magic bus.

Tom and Jerry

Two furry mammals enact domestic violence on an epic scale.

By the Sea

A young boy goes on a weekly crime spree.

Magic Roundabout

Animated animal LSD experiment.

vladthedisorganised Tue 11-Feb-14 15:05:25

Thomas the Tank Engine - Stalinist allegory. If you're not a Really Useful Engine you'll be sent to Siberia off the island.

Waybuloo - obvious drug metaphor. Characters with massive heads float up into the air when the cheeba arrives.

Octonauts - Star Trek, but under the sea rather than in space. Captain Kirk equivalent is a polar bear; Mr Spock equivalent is an octopus and Scotty is a penguin.

Rastamouse - Columbo, but with mice and reggae.

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