To be miffed at "Gift list for mother of the baby" enclosed in *Baby naming ceremony* invitation?

(993 Posts)
doubleshotespresso Wed 12-Jun-13 23:38:24

So some close friends (who married in church), but now claim to be atheist are holding a naming ceremony for their 8 month old first baby in an hotel.....

The invitation is beautiful with a map, timings "event closes at 11pm"?

The gift list ranges from £30-to £300, all items for the mother, cosmetics, trinkets, jewellery, pampering breaks, personalised hand-bound stationery and photo albums...

Anybody know the drill for these naming ceremonies? Are we supposed to guess a gift for the baby? Or just congratulate the mother for deciding on a name?

I have read this a dozen times and am staggered beyond belief-DP read it and fell into hysterics....

My gut tells me to go along with Jo Malone scented nappies or something.

Somebody please tell me this is not normal?!?!?!

WhiteBirdBlueSky Wed 12-Jun-13 23:40:15

That is not normal.

LoveBeingUpAt4InTheMorning Wed 12-Jun-13 23:40:26

What the Jeff? Gifts for the mother?

Flosshilde Wed 12-Jun-13 23:40:38

Fucking hell. That is all I can manage to say whilst scraping my jaw off the floor.

allinatizz Wed 12-Jun-13 23:41:58

But did they put it in a poem OP?

Definitely not normal. Buy the baby a copy of Peter Rabbit and be done!

Misknit Wed 12-Jun-13 23:42:04

Not normal. Extremely grabby. Are they really people you want as friends?

Have no idea what to say, other than what a flipping cheek.

Would never occur to me.

MammaTJ Wed 12-Jun-13 23:42:55

No, I would have thought ot should be gifts for the baby, like with a Christening. How grabby and rude!

MrsBungle Wed 12-Jun-13 23:43:03

Not normal!

pixwix Wed 12-Jun-13 23:43:47

No way!

DramaAlpaca Wed 12-Jun-13 23:44:57

Definitely not normal. Very cheeky, in fact.

doubleshotespresso Wed 12-Jun-13 23:46:48

allinatizz no poem no.

Am sooooooo glad to read your responses.... I truly thought this is the rudest invitation I have ever received.

I would never have the nerve! Nor would I want to!

knackeredmother Wed 12-Jun-13 23:46:57

A joke surely? No one will turn up if they have any sense.

doubleshotespresso Wed 12-Jun-13 23:50:23

DH wants to decline just on the basis of this, I think I agree, though I think we would be causing great offence.

They are good family friends who believe it or not are normally quite fair and reasonable. This is totally out of character and a total shock. If the printing was pt so impeccable (& clearly pricey) I may have believed it was a joke!


doubleshotespresso Wed 12-Jun-13 23:51:26

knackeredmother I honestly do not know what to make of it.

BrianTheMole Wed 12-Jun-13 23:53:28

Crikey. Gifts are supposed to be for the baby. I wouldn't go.

EleanorFarjeon Wed 12-Jun-13 23:53:51

I would not go, on principle.

That's the most outrageous thing I've heard in all the unboxed gifts/twee poems/baby shower type threads.


Elquota Wed 12-Jun-13 23:54:05

Unbelievable! Gift lists enclosed with invitations are greedy and presumptuous. Christening gifts are usually for the baby, so the same should naturally apply here. They're tasteful and thoughtful, not necessarily pricey, and they'll be something the guests have thought of themselves. Even then, gifts should not be an expectation but accepted with surprise and thanks if someone happens to bring one.

cerealqueen Wed 12-Jun-13 23:55:16

She's given birth to Jesus and intends to milk it.

Taking the piss. Yep, so grabby, they would literally take it.

vintagecakeisstillnice Wed 12-Jun-13 23:55:19

But don't you realise she is the first woman ever ever to have created life and so must be worshiped.


RikeBider Wed 12-Jun-13 23:56:02

Crazy! We had naming ceremonies for our boys, in a community centre, and maybe half the guests gave presents - books, money boxes, money, clothes. Most gave a card. We didn't ask for or expect presents for the baby let alone me!

UnrequitedSkink Wed 12-Jun-13 23:57:15


I've never even heard of a gift list being included in a Christening invitation...presumably gifts have been given for the benefit of the new arrival already? Did they have a gift list for that too?

IAgreeCompletely Wed 12-Jun-13 23:57:36

Are you sure it is not a joke?

Do they have form for this? What was their wedding like?

Really, really wierd hmm

Xiaoxiong Wed 12-Jun-13 23:59:11

Not normal. And before anyone weighs in with something about imported Americanisms, it wouldn't be normal in the States either (at least not the various parts in which my family live).

IAgreeCompletely Wed 12-Jun-13 23:59:20

Oh, my hmm face was that I thought the grabby friends were weird NOT the OP


ChasedByBees Thu 13-Jun-13 00:01:00

Hilarious! grin

doubleshotespresso Thu 13-Jun-13 00:01:18

Ok so we have not over-reacted-was just checking! Thanks for the reassurance and cerealqueen that is so funny.

Our problem is that the father of the baby frequently does contracting work on projects with DP. If we do not attend I think we would be very much offending them. They have been very generous to my stepchildren over the years, Birthdays etc....

But I have to say it would be through gritted teeth if we did go which goes against our principles too....

Am going to sleep on it....confused

Scruffey Thu 13-Jun-13 00:01:22

If you want to continue the friendship, I think a photo album from their list is the best thing to go with. Other stuff sounds grabby, photo album is reasonable. It does sound shocking and Yanbu to be miffed!

If you don't value or wish to continue with the friendship, you could just decline the invite.

hortensemancini Thu 13-Jun-13 00:03:35

So, effectively, they're having the baby christened in the Church of St John and St Lewis, rather than the usual Church of England? Class!

LittleTyga Thu 13-Jun-13 00:04:50

Send it back and demand a poem - tell her you couldn't possibly take this seriously without a tacky poem - really some people!

doubleshotespresso Thu 13-Jun-13 00:05:49

scruffey we have shared holidays, kids parties, house moves, seriously years..... They have never ever before demonstrated such grabby,crass and frankly rude traits...

DP just made the observation (&pls forgive his snobbery!) that they are lovely people, but they do not really know what they are doing when it comes to these things..... Not really convinced of this, their wedding was immaculate, though they (she I suppose) had a very expensive wedding planner. It was classy,beautiful and a very fun day, with no pretentious touches.

We are baffled!

LazyMonkeyButler Thu 13-Jun-13 00:08:02

How rude and grabby can you be? shock

I would go though, just to see the look on the parents' faces when you hand over your silver cutlery set (as is more normal at these events) grin.

Out of interest, is there anything for the father on the gift list? A set of golf clubs perhaps? I am truly intrigued as to why the mother thinks it is reasonable to ask for expensive gifts to celebrate her naming her baby.

megsmouse Thu 13-Jun-13 00:08:08

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WhiteBirdBlueSky Thu 13-Jun-13 00:09:28

She's been very bad mannered, but if she's been v generous to your DSCs then I would just suck it up so as not to appear just as rude. Or ignore and take a gift for the baby.

LazyMonkeyButler Thu 13-Jun-13 00:11:12

Actually scruffey yes, I would expect the couple to be receiving a lot of photo albums (as it would appear to be the only appropriate gift on the list).

Scruffey Thu 13-Jun-13 00:12:05

In that case, give them a free pass for this one piece of bad behaviour, take a photo album and continue the friendship. Reconsider if such things continue!

OutragedFromLeeds Thu 13-Jun-13 00:12:37

I'd go, but completely ignore the gift list. Bloody cheek. Could it be some sort of post-natal madness? Really extreme PFBitis?

PunkHedgehog Thu 13-Jun-13 00:13:04

If you know them that well can you ring them up and say 'v funny joke, we thought it was hilarious, but aren't you worried that some people will be offended?'. Or just tell them straight out they are being daft.

Failing that do, or don't go, but ignore the list. If they've been generous to your kids over the years then it's reasonable to return the favour, but with mothercare vouchers, a donation to a child trust fund, a set of nicely bound Pooh Bear books, or something along those lines.

MidniteScribbler Thu 13-Jun-13 00:13:38

I would just buy something for the baby as is traditional. Gift lists are a suggestion, not a demand.

MalenkyRusskyDrakonchik Thu 13-Jun-13 00:14:19

Would you not be tempted to ring them and tell them that someone's OTT wedding list must've fallen into your envelope?!

Obviously you won't, but, wow ...

doubleshotespresso Thu 13-Jun-13 00:26:33

These responses are exactly what I had hoped for thank-you all!

No mention of gifts for the father no....

I had actually already purchased a little gift for the baby just because it caught my eye and I knew this was due.... But thinking a silver bangle engraved with Twinkle twinkle little star and lovely Beatrix Potter "my first library" set with it's own nursery shelf perhaps won't cut it now....

We have just realised that the gift list has considerable price gaps. Nothing listed costing between £38.99 and £75! Yikes

Gossipmonster Thu 13-Jun-13 00:27:28

Is it Coleen Rooney?

doubleshotespresso Thu 13-Jun-13 00:28:13

My Mum just suggested John Lewis vouchers if we do go, as she was incandescent when I explained all this on the phone!

doubleshotespresso Thu 13-Jun-13 00:30:10

gossip not Coleen Rooney no. Far from it. She is no WAG. Though maybe she does have aspirations in that direction-the whole thing is so different to how I would welcome a baby to the world but hey...

fuckingscabies Thu 13-Jun-13 00:35:13

Yabu. She pushed that baby out of her foofoo and deserves treasure and riches.

cantspel Thu 13-Jun-13 00:35:25

Can you not find away to get out of going. Something that is convincing and wont cause offense?

Maybe break your husbands leg or something similar?

IAgreeCompletely Thu 13-Jun-13 00:35:44

I know it is not meant to matter but are your friends going to be providing everyone with a sumptuous meal and endless drinks? If they are spending £50 a head or more then perhaps they don't think they are being grabby by asking for 'stuff'

Obviously they would be wrong to think this but it might go some way in explaining why they have done this.

fuckingscabies Thu 13-Jun-13 00:36:01

Only joking - what the actual FUCK?

Post this thread on your Facebook - should give her the message.

mamadoc Thu 13-Jun-13 00:39:12

Thank you, dear friends, for your kind invitation
To the naming of this blessed child, the pride of our nation
And as for his mother, who gave him birth,
A Jo Malone candle is the least that she's worth!
But since we're a tiny bit skint at the mo'
A packet of Pom Bears will just have to do!

doubleshotespresso Thu 13-Jun-13 00:40:12

fuckingscabies so wish I had the nerve!!!

iagree apparently the ceremony is to be followed by a hot fork buffet and we are guessing guests will be expected to pay for drinks from the bar...

There will be a soft play area set up and a band...... All in a swanky hotel...

The more I think about this the more creative I become with elaborate excuses not to go. Hmmmmm

fuckingscabies Thu 13-Jun-13 00:40:15

Something that won't cause offence?! This is so rude - I think you owe it to every other guest to tell her how outrageous she's being!

RikeBider Thu 13-Jun-13 00:44:40

Get something for the baby with its name engraved on it so the mum can't take it back or exchange it!

doubleshotespresso Thu 13-Jun-13 00:46:02

I just got an email from another guest asking if we are going...... Very carefully worded but I am sure they are in the same quandary....

Am off to bed now, but thanks all for restoring my sanity.

What on earth do folk wear to naming ceremonies anyhow? This is all so alien to me!

expatinscotland Thu 13-Jun-13 00:50:30

I'd go and take something personalised for the baby. Sod the list.

MidniteScribbler Thu 13-Jun-13 00:57:06

A band? For a naming ceremony? Oh kill me know.

Imagine what the first birthday party is going to be like?? ::shudders::

SaggyOldClothCatPuss Thu 13-Jun-13 00:57:11

OMFG! shock Cheeky feckers!

ComposHat Thu 13-Jun-13 00:59:25

Being the moral coward that I am, I would now be making up stories about my Great Aunty Flo's 80th party in Inverness that I have to be at on the same day.

Snazzywaitingforsummer Thu 13-Jun-13 01:02:05

You HAVE to go, because I for one am dying to know how this event turns out now. Do it for MN!

I think the present you have already bought for the baby (silver bangle and Beatrix Potter set) sounds perfect though and I wouldn't buy anything else. On handing over the gift, you could say 'We got something for (baby) as we guessed you (grabbymum) would be swamped with stuff!'

If the baby is to be called eglantine myopia a present of $80 usd is to be giv3n. If not nothing. Be firm.

Bogeyface Thu 13-Jun-13 01:19:17

ANd you are not sure why they had a swanky wedding planner?!

Can you imagine the excesses that the WP talked them out of? I rather suspect that their wedding would not have been the beautiful fun and classy affair it was without her! She earned every penny imo grin

I would go, take a gift for the baby (what you have already bought sounds lovely) and totally ignore the gift list.

StuntGirl Thu 13-Jun-13 01:25:57

Go, take the gift you've already bought and have a good time.

Cheeky beggars.

FairPhyllis Thu 13-Jun-13 01:36:02

Tell me they didn't have a baby shower too.

Go but take something that is pointedly for the baby.

May09Bump Thu 13-Jun-13 01:39:09

Hopefully its a case a brain freeze or excess of hormones if they are normally ok.

I would call them and say that you had already bought a gift before receiving their invite "hope this is OK". As it's a relationship you need / want to maintain then I would go to the party or make a decent excuse not too and send the gift you have bought.

I've never heard of gifts for the mother, maybe for a friend whilst pregnant (sanctuary stuff etc). Obviously I missed out, no baby shower, birthing gift from h and now mother gifts at naming - FGS I'm really miffed now smile

Last thought, you might want to get this thread deleted - if your friend is on here, it's really evident that it's her your talking about.

ZacharyQuack Thu 13-Jun-13 01:39:54

Buy her a tube of nipple cream.

cranverry Thu 13-Jun-13 01:40:56

That is extremely grabby and tasteless. It's meant to be celebrating the birth of their child, not an excuse to request your friends buy you lots of stuff. YANBU to not think this is normal.

SoYo Thu 13-Jun-13 01:42:37

I'm soooo glad someone has done this, we're due to christen our baby anytime soon & I'm desperate for a new bathroom, patio doors, range master cooker, some garden furniture etc. I think this might be problem solved! wink

burberryqueen Thu 13-Jun-13 02:11:00

very acquisitive and defo not normal - gifts for the mother indeed - buy a cup or a rattle or whatever small thing you like for the baby.

burberryqueen Thu 13-Jun-13 02:15:10

very acquisitive and defo not normal - gifts for the mother indeed - buy a cup or a rattle or whatever small thing you like for the baby.

Gooseysgirl Thu 13-Jun-13 02:47:29

I agree with Snazzy... you must go and report back here afterwards!!! Your gift for the baby sounds gorgeous, ignore the ridiculous gift list...

spatchcock Thu 13-Jun-13 03:01:37

That is very grabby. I think the gift you've bought is perfect, don't buy anything else. Should they be so tacky as to mention it just tell them the truth and say you bought it before you received the gift list.

josiejay Thu 13-Jun-13 03:25:21

Ah this thread has brightened up my night feeding! Once again MN has educated me on just how downright bizarre some people are.

YANBU, I second the suggestion of a personalised keepsake for baby. I would actually be tempted not to go at all.

Ugh I feel sorry for the baby being thrust into the middle of all this grabby excess.

josiejay Thu 13-Jun-13 03:29:04

Oh sorry I see you've already bought something which sounds lovely and appropriate for the occasion.

rundontwalk Thu 13-Jun-13 03:33:37

Haha another one who's night feeding has been brightened up. That's hilarious! Take what you've already got & say you'd bought it before the list arrived,hope that's ok etcetc. So funny!

sashh Thu 13-Jun-13 03:44:24


I'm sure you have already agreed to be somewhere else on the day.

Thesunalwayshinesontv Thu 13-Jun-13 03:49:29

Hang on a sec - what's a hot fork buffet?

And if they're that "classy", how comes it'll be a pay bar??

burberryqueen Thu 13-Jun-13 03:50:57

'hot fork buffet' = not classy

raisah Thu 13-Jun-13 04:26:16

Greedy & grasping. They have modelled the event on a wedding, so formal reception, gift list & posh invites. Far better to have banked the money spent on the reception in a savings account for the baby.

Put £10-20 in an envelope with a leaflet for a savings account and job done. Greedy idiots.

spiderbabymum Thu 13-Jun-13 04:36:59

I find it obscene

Could anyone be more materialistic ?

I would probably feel the need to say something .......

It's just so misguided

I would find myself wondering about her sanity

spiderbabymum Thu 13-Jun-13 04:38:22

As for go or not ....very tricky

Probably I would go

But would bring something small and prob not on the list

Sunnysummer Thu 13-Jun-13 04:42:33

YANBU, this is crazyshock But sounds like you'll still have to get something from the lost, or if you really can't face it, then get something lovely for the baby, they can't be too frustrated!

spiderbabymum Thu 13-Jun-13 04:42:46

Oh and obviously my present would be for the baby

FairPhyllis Thu 13-Jun-13 05:29:49

They are either socially clueless and have totally got the wrong end of the stick about how christening type events work by modelling it on a posh wedding, or they are grasping beyond belief.

Didn't they have a naming ceremony planner? grin

MusicalEndorphins Thu 13-Jun-13 05:31:12

I would go and give the presents that you have already purchased for the baby.

CinnabarRed Thu 13-Jun-13 05:53:31

I would go but take a gift for the baby instead.

Lazyjaney Thu 13-Jun-13 05:56:39

PFB Syndrome on speed. I'd be unavailable that weekend, say I'd already bought something and post it on. If you go you will have to play their game or offend them, so better to not be there.

Josie1974 Thu 13-Jun-13 06:06:21

I would go (for the reasons you've said you feel you should go), but take the present you've already got for the baby. Ignore the list!!!

If they're genuinely nice then hope it's some sort of bizarre aberration that they'll be embarrassed of when they realise the social faux pas they've made!! Unless they're truly bonkers who would honestly challenge someone on not buying a present from a gift list?!!

scaevola Thu 13-Jun-13 06:12:38

Well, they aren't having a Christening, so the norms for that sort of event don't apply. And there isn't a settled tradition in UK of what happens at naming ceremonies.

So whilst I would fulminate against an sort of 'gimme' list, for baby or any other family member for a Christening, I think anything goes when you choose a non-trad event.

Personally, I think unsolicited gist lists are tacky regardless of event. I'm usually a lone voice on MN "because it's so practical", and this doesn't actually strike me as worse than any other in terms of what this family has done. Their taste in choice to items to put on the list is also not something I share either.

Go, if you like them. Go off list if you want to (that's not usually recommended on MN even when you don't like what's on the list). Or don't go.

exoticfruits Thu 13-Jun-13 06:38:03

I would suddenly 'remember' a previous engagement, that you can't get out of, and decline the invitation.

Carolra Thu 13-Jun-13 07:01:27

I think it's perfectly acceptable to go and say you'd already bought a gift before the list arrived. Plenty of people do this for weddings and if they're offended by your thoughtfulness then they're not really friends.... I'd definitely go for the ceremony and a drink but then I'd probably make excuses and go home for an early night... Don't you dare buy anything off that list when you already purchased something special for the baby!

ZillionChocolate Thu 13-Jun-13 07:16:11

You could buy mum a copy of Debretts.

middleagedspread Thu 13-Jun-13 07:24:00

You must go, if only so that you can describe the whole event for the amusement of MN. I wonder if you'll get a 'naming ceremony' favour?

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Thu 13-Jun-13 07:48:24

This is what happens when being grabby for any event becomes acceptable.

When people began to feel that it was ok to have gift lists and direct requests for cash etc for their weddings, this was always going to be the end result.

If you can tell people what to get you for one big event - why not all of them? Normalise gift lists and cash poems and you see it bleed through to other events.

This is not the first of these threads I've read recently. I've read at least half a dozen more. Birthdays, christenings, the lot.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Thu 13-Jun-13 07:50:40

Meant to add - it would appear that we may be at the beginning of a shift in tradition/culture in this country so we may as well get used to it. I think it's going to become the done thing within a generation.

pigletmania Thu 13-Jun-13 07:54:19

That is grabby and rude and not normal, gifts if people choose to give are for the baby. I would just get te baby something nice

DoodleAlley Thu 13-Jun-13 07:57:30

I think your presents sound beautiful and I would be overjoyed to receive anything so thoughtful.

Go because the friendship is important to you, show grace and mark it down to an error of judgement and take the presents and explain if you feel the need that you bought them before getting the list.

These things are better not dwelt on if you want to stay friends.

pigletmania Thu 13-Jun-13 07:57:46

Op just give your lovely gifts and ignore, I am sure others will do the same

beginnings Thu 13-Jun-13 08:02:02

While I'm totally with Snazzy as I REALLY want to know a) if anyone shows up and b) what the event is like, I would be developing a serious case of D+V on the morning of the event. Classic wimps way out that works every time.

Most ridiculous thing I've ever heard in my life. And I've heard some pretty ridiculous things.

PaleHousewifeOfCumbriaCounty Thu 13-Jun-13 08:20:24

Hot forks sounds dangerous.

hamilton75 Thu 13-Jun-13 08:21:35

Wow, so grabby.

You have to feel a bit sorry for the baby with parents like that grin

Kikithecat Thu 13-Jun-13 08:28:00

Whatever next! (That's oldy speak for FFS).

travellingwilbury Thu 13-Jun-13 08:28:32

Do you think there is any chance that the dh has done this in some insane misguided nonsense of wanting her to know how special and wonderful he thinks the mother of his child is ?

Would still be really shit but at least only one of them is grabby .

I just can't imagine seemingly otherwise normal people would behave like this . Especially if the wedding wasn't weird and grabby .

Good luck though . I would stick to what you have bought , only sadness is you won't see her open it up . Maybe put it in a Harvey Nichols bag for added excitement ;)

Primrose123 Thu 13-Jun-13 08:30:53

If you really do have to go, I would buy something for the baby and totally ignore the gift list.

mignonette Thu 13-Jun-13 08:31:09

Greedy, Greedy, Greedy.

If you feel compelled to gift, enclose a note saying you have donated some money to a Mother & Baby charity.

Flicktheswitch Thu 13-Jun-13 08:33:44

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Whocansay Thu 13-Jun-13 08:37:27

Buy her a grip. (But take your lovely present for the baby).

Good grief!

SugarMiceInTheRain Thu 13-Jun-13 08:42:29

Very weird and tasteless and grabby. YANBU at all.

However a couple of DH's friends (all late 30s, single and childless) asked whether we had a gift list when DS1 was born! I was confused but I guess if you are completely clueless about children, then a gift list for baby consisting of sensible things like babygrows, nappies etc isn't such a bad thing. I've been to a few American style baby showers (though I live in UK) where there has been a list circulating but that has been at the request of guests that the mum to be has compiled a list - and it has been full of affordable items!!

Maybe the couple are carrying out a breaching experiment, and will be carefully monitoring you all to see how you respond?

OhTheConfusion Thu 13-Jun-13 08:47:51

shock. That is all.

mignonette Thu 13-Jun-13 08:50:35

We banned wedding gifts because the cost of attending a wedding is bad enough what with the outfits, travel and hotel bills that guests often have to pay for. I do think many people have loss perspective and proportion to the point of abject greed and self importance.

foslady Thu 13-Jun-13 08:58:45

Thank you for the smile - I'm knackered and don't want to go to work today, this has cheered me up no end! It's so bad taste it's laughable (and thank God it's not me with the invite....................!!!)

Scholes34 Thu 13-Jun-13 08:59:02

How about a book on how to regain her pre-pregnancy figure, or incontinence pants?

Sparklymommy Thu 13-Jun-13 09:05:25

All of my four children were christened. Never would I ask for or expect gifts. They were all given gifts, but to actually ask for them? No way.

The same with our wedding. We were already living together and had dd1 so didn't 'need' anything really. I would never have asked for money either. Again we had gifts, and they were all the more special because they were items that our friends and family had chosen for us.

Pilgit Thu 13-Jun-13 09:11:27

Sorry - not read everything but can shed some light on the naming ceremony bit (as everyone is focusing on the rather odd behaviour of the gift list). They are (if this is the UK) a service offered by the registrars service where they come and do an official 'naming' ceremony. They have a pro forma/suggested ceremony but you can write your own as well. My BF did one for her son and it was lovely - really like a christening - but without the water dripping and god bit! So there were places for godparents (yes, same name despite no 'god') to make promises about being there to support the child, siblings making like promises and the parents saying what being a parent meant for them. This was all over seen by the registrar. It is not an 'official' thing but another way of the registrars service making a bit of cash as there really is no legal point to it (unlike their other registrar duties).

Extremely odd to ask for presents for the mother - these things are all about the child - just like a christening. And I can't see the point in a gift list where things are soooo expensive - it's just rude and grabby and if their 'normal' people this must be truly baffling.

fairyqueen Thu 13-Jun-13 09:12:49

We may not have set traditions for naming ceremonies, but it is traditional that gifts at all events are for the person who the event is for. Which in this case would be the baby, of course.

Nanny0gg Thu 13-Jun-13 09:16:28

Go if you must, but very pointedly, only take a present for the baby, as is the norm.

Oh, and don't explain why there is nothing from the list. If she compounds the outrage by asking why not, I would feel compelled to tell her!

I have never heard anything like it!

CherylTrole Thu 13-Jun-13 09:17:17

Send them an RSVP saying Did You Mean To Be So Rude confused

Honestly, I think a breaching experiment is the only sensible explanation. It's so obviously a ridiculous thing to have done.

I'd go and take the present you described up thread then report back here to update.

BringBackBod Thu 13-Jun-13 09:24:02

I'd stick with the lovely gifts for baby, together with a small box of After eights, expertly wrapped along with ribbons and bows, with a gift tag reading 'just a little something for you xx'

KatieLily12 Thu 13-Jun-13 09:28:12

Just held a Naming Ceremony and we specifically asked for no gifts but to being a dish of food to share instead. We got more than enough at her birth and didn't want to seem greedy.

Id love to see what gets planned for baby's first birthday grin

mum23girlys Thu 13-Jun-13 09:31:09

angry I have so missed a trick! 3 dcs I've had christened. We've got more silver money boxes and tooth & curl boxes than we know what to do with. If only I'd thought to request a wee spa day instead grin

Seriously though wtf? Rude and grabby at best. You obviously feel you have to go so just give the beautiful and thoughtful baby gift you've already purchased and leave it at that. No explanation needed. She'll soon work it out when she gets three dozen photo albums and no spa day

I hate gift lists and cash requests and never ever buy off them. I hate people knowing exactly how much we've spent on them especially for weddings when we've often already had to fork out for stag and hen weekends, new outfit, kilt hire, hotel stay, cash for the actual wedding, hairdressers, organising childcare and often had to use holidays for wedding/stag and hen weekends. Can you tell we've got 3 big weddings coming up this summer and can't afford a holiday
because of them sad

HawaiianSunset12 Thu 13-Jun-13 09:32:26

What on earth is a naming ceremony?? Surely you all know the babies name now, 8 months on????

Moominsarehippos Thu 13-Jun-13 09:33:48

I haven't read the whole thread but could this be a custom from elsewhere?

I usually take a prezzie for the baby and a box of 'forbidden pleasures' for the mum (ie unpasteurised cheese).

If you think the friendship is worth keeping, and they are normally sane and lovely people, then you have to assume temporary PFB madness on a major scale. Grin and bear it till they calm down.

You can
a) create a v.important family occasion that clashes
b) accept and have 'd&v' that day
c) go, take your baby present, don't buy anything off the gift list, and don't mention the gift list

Actually I think you should go, and wander around the whole time saying "don't mention the gift list!" in a stage whisper.

ifyourehoppyandyouknowit Thu 13-Jun-13 09:36:21

Why is a baby naming ceremony having an after party that goes on until 11pm?! Surely it's a nice little ceremony followed by the sandwiches and cakes (or afternoon tea and fizz if you're posh)?

And I thought only the god parents bought gifts at christenings?

HawaiianSunset12 Thu 13-Jun-13 09:36:27

By the way, are you the author of this thread:

Because if so, I certainly wouldn't be going and spending that sort of money.

forevercloudy Thu 13-Jun-13 09:37:46

How cheeky! shock

My thoughts exactly HawaiianSunset12!

HawaiianSunset12 Naming ceremony seems to be a way of having a formal "welcome to the world" for a child instead of a christening or other religious ceremony, especially for those not religious.

Didn't bother, myself. I don't recall actually having any sort of party.

MumnGran Thu 13-Jun-13 09:40:22

Quite the worst thing I have heard of anyone doing, in terms of ordering gifts they are not entitled to.
A "naming day" is the non-religious equivalent of a christening .... at which people buy gifts FOR THE BABY, if they feel so inclined.

I would be sending the gift list back when you RSVP, with a polite note saying you intend to buy a gift for the child.

<<retires, appalled>>

louschmoo Thu 13-Jun-13 09:42:04

How bizarre! And I say that as someone ho doesn't have a problem with gift lists at weings etc. But I've never heard of this for a baby-naming or christening.
As they are good friends and usually reasonable I'd give them the benefit of the doubt and assume they've gone temporarily mad. Go, enjoy the do (souns like it might be nice) and take the gift you've already bought. Time will tell if the magic of childbirth has permanently altered their personalities...

wigglesrock Thu 13-Jun-13 09:42:57

What the sweet fuck? I'd be tempted to send a note saying "catch yourself on" but I know that's a bit awkward for you.

Either stick with your gift (lovely btw) or donate to a charity - buy a goat, a year of school lunches for a child.

But I'd have to go to the ceremony, I couldn't resist a nosy.

SirBoobAlot Thu 13-Jun-13 09:43:38

I reckon she's a MNer, and is now reading this thread laughing hysterically, and the real invitation will come soon.

I hope.

Concreteblonde Thu 13-Jun-13 09:50:41

I like the idea of the tackiest sleb endorsed 'Get yer body back' fitness DVD grin

It's GOT to be a windup surely ??????

flowery Thu 13-Jun-13 09:51:01

That is incredibly rude, just unbelievable.

Did the couple only have a small wedding and they are seeing this as an opportunity to have the wedding reception they never had? Just trying to think of an explanation for this type of 'do' for a baby and the gift list for the mother....

I wouldn't go, and I would send the lovely present you've bought for the baby.

Flowery Seems they had a tasteful wedding organised by a wedding planner, so not exactly small.

I noticed the earlier comment that perhaps the wedding planner kept their excesses to a minimum, so perhaps with no planner for the naming ceremony, those excesses have come to the fore. grin

But even if you're making up for a small wedding, surely you'd request gifts for the baby? After all, the baby is the REASON for a naming ceremony. It's just so odd and grabby.

CrowsLanding Thu 13-Jun-13 10:08:32

I cant believe what Im reading. How incredibly rude.

I would go would be calling or texing with something along the lines of ' Thank you for the invite we recieved it today and would be honoured to attend your dc naming ceremony, The Joke gift list enclosed was hilarious and give us a giggle, Thanks again and see you soon'.

Have you spoken to anyone else who has recieved one?

Snazzywaitingforsummer Thu 13-Jun-13 10:13:13

I can understand a naming ceremony as not everyone is keen on or comfortable with a religious ceremony, and if you want to celebrate welcoming your baby into your circle of family and friends, you should be able to do it as a secular thing. But the whole 'till 11pm', gifts for mum (poor dad who doesn't get a look in either) thing is ridiculous.

OP, I'll say it again - you MUST go and report back. Think of it as research for MN. You'll be doing participant observation on new and disturbing social trends. smile

flowery Thu 13-Jun-13 10:15:27

Oh yes I just saw the bit about classy wedding with wedding planner.

Hmm. Nope, can't think of any reason for this at all. None. I'm out. And would have to think of some way of raising it with them if they were good friends.

Tbh I would respond and say

"Thank you for the lovely invitation. Unfortunately though, I've already bought Baby Waldo a gift as I thought it was the baby who got gifts at the naming ceremony, not the mum. I'm mortified at being so out of touch! But I'll bring that along anyway and you and I can have a nice lunch somewhere down the line smile"

mosuzu Thu 13-Jun-13 10:31:28

WTAF how rude and grabby!

We had a naming ceremony, gifts were for the DC's and ranged from £5-£50 if guest wanted to, it certainly wasn't expected.

I'm amazed.

curmit Thu 13-Jun-13 10:32:24

1: I don't see the point in 'Naming Ceremonies', either you are religious
and you Christen your child, or you aren't and you don't! Christenings aren't about congratulating the parents and gift-giving, people usually already do this when the baby is born.

2: The fact that this celebration ends at 11pm (?!) seems to say even more that it's all about them and very little to do with their child.

Surely it's a joke!

LemonBreeland Thu 13-Jun-13 10:32:57

I agree with others that if you feel you must go to the ceremony then take the gift for the baby and don't get anything from 'the list'. I would not make any explanation for it either.

curmit Thu 13-Jun-13 10:33:46

p.s. people who've had naming ceremonies: no offence! smile

i'm sure you have some very important prior arrangement though.

and give the baby gift.

i've never heard of anything so ridiculous.

VodkaRevelation Thu 13-Jun-13 10:40:12

Take the gift you have bought. No need to apologise for already having bought it. The day is for the baby not the mother. V greedy!

flowery Thu 13-Jun-13 10:42:28

"if you feel you must go to the ceremony then take the gift for the baby and don't get anything from 'the list'"

Hopefully everyone who goes will do that and the mother will be hugely embarrassed when she realises her pampering breaks and jewellery are not forthcoming...

Sleep404 Thu 13-Jun-13 10:46:05

Been to lots of naming ceremonies. Never once been given a gift list. She is taking the piss. Ignore, but go and enjoy her fancy hotel food. That will teach her.

SlowJinn Thu 13-Jun-13 10:46:21

I like the idea of a tacky z-list celebrity exercise DVD for the mum, too, excellent idea.

I thought baby showers were grabby and rude, this is just gobsmacking.

Sleep404 Thu 13-Jun-13 10:52:10

Curmit, naming ceremonies are a cultural thing. In West Africa they predate the introduction of Christianity. Now that most traditional religions are in the minority in West Africa, they are a combination of tradition and a religious (usually Christian) ceremony.
The elders name the baby and pray for the baby. It's also a chance for the extended family to meet the baby. Presents (either for the baby or for mum) have absolutely nothing to do with it.

Oblongata Thu 13-Jun-13 10:53:19

Could they have been talked into this by an enterprising events planner, who's trying to drum up business by inventing a New Thing?
It does sound a bit out of character. Perhaps things are ropey what with their first baby and someone has taken advantage of them a little.

PunkHedgehog Thu 13-Jun-13 10:55:30

"they aren't having a Christening, so the norms for that sort of event don't apply. And there isn't a settled tradition in UK of what happens at naming ceremonies."

I disagree - it's the direct equivalent of a christening so the same rules should apply: no list, presents for the baby from immediate family and godparents, cards from everyone else.

I think Zillions has the best idea - they really do need a copy of Debretts's.

Sleep404 Thu 13-Jun-13 10:58:07

Also why are they naming an 8 month old baby. What has the little darling been called up until now? It sounds like they wanted to have a party and searched around for something unusual to use as a reason.

NonnoMum Thu 13-Jun-13 11:07:50

I think the baby needs a CHildren's bible... Just in case he/she ever wants to marry in church. For the photos.

DeskPlanner Thu 13-Jun-13 11:12:59

I wrote a massive post about this, this morning and my phone ate it. sad

I love gift list threads, to me they and wedding threads are the greatest joy of MN. This particular thread is the most grabby I've ever read. It honestly is so shocking shock .

I wouldn't go, but I would be desperate to know what others took. If you really want to go, take the lovely gift you've already bought, but they don't deserve it. Don't buy something else off that list.

I have a couple of questions if you don't mind. Firstly, did they have a wedding list and was that bonkers ? Secondly, do you know anyone else who is going ? I would love to know if anyone else invited thought that it was rude. If you do go, I'm begging that you come back to this thread and update.grin

Do Jo Malone do haemorrhoid cream? grin

cleoteacher Thu 13-Jun-13 11:15:55

omg that's terrible! I don't understand why people think this is ok. I've heard of gifts for the baby but why on earth should the mother get gifts! I went to a naming ceromony the other day and got the child a book, although I am not sure the mother (my sister) was very impressed.

I would go with a gift for the baby. Do you know anyone else who is going? It's likely you will find they are just as outraged as you are and are intending on taking a small gift for the baby so you won't be the only one.

curmit Thu 13-Jun-13 11:18:20

sleep404 I didn't know that about naming ceremonies - I thought it was a newish thing that people had in place of a religious ceremony so I stand corrected blush smile

p.s. - I bet the missus with her gift list knows nothing about the origin or significance of a naming ceremony either! ;)

Pootles2010 Thu 13-Jun-13 11:18:43

No its not normal! We certainly didn't have list at my ds's - and we did have a 'thing' after, but just afternoon tea!

And people just bought presents for DS obviously, including the obligatory silver things which are now sitting in the loft along with the bible someone thought appropriate hmm

Oblongata Thu 13-Jun-13 11:20:10

What are her other friends like? Are they likely to stump up for pampering days etc?

Reading between the lines, money's obviously not an issue here, but people are picky about spending it right.

Pootles2010 Thu 13-Jun-13 11:20:15

curmit they are also a newish thing, non-religious thing, think most are in this country anyway!

Bearbehind Thu 13-Jun-13 11:39:51

OMFG- no way would I go.

I know you are worried about causing offence but they have been so offensive it's not true.

it is utterly selfish of the mother to ask for things for herself and the fact that once the sub £40 things on the list have gone that everything is over £75 makes it so much worse.

I will never cease to be amazed at the shameless, self indulgent, money grabbing fuckers out there.

DeepPurple Thu 13-Jun-13 11:47:14

I had a naming ceremony for DD as her welcome to the world. I didn't want a christening as we aren't religious.

We did not enclose a gift list and did not expect presents. Many guests did bring a little gift for DD along the same lines as a christening gift.

Presents for the mother? Grabby and really weird!

grendel Thu 13-Jun-13 11:50:55

Would you have wanted to go if they hadn't included the gift list? Have to admit that except for the list, it sounds like quite a nice event if a little over the top.
You like these people, they are old friends, you don't really want to fall out with them.
If it were me I would go along and enjoy the event, ignore the stupid gift list and just take the type of gift for the child that I would normally take to a christening/naming event.
Treat the request for pricey prezzies like any other social gaffe: quietly ignore it and never mention it again.

Charlesroi Thu 13-Jun-13 12:10:31

C'mon OP - tell us this is a joke thread please.

I must be so out of touch because the last time I went to a christening I gave the parents some money for the baby's savings account (and a bottle of wine for her mum). We didn't have an all-day do (no London Philharmonic orchestra,thrones etc) just a few drinks and sandwiches.

OP - I think the present you have bought is very thoughful and if the parents are crass enough to be pissed off with it they are not people you need in your life. I'd go to the do though (and take a doggy bag).

WouldBeHarrietVane Thu 13-Jun-13 12:14:14

We stipulated no presents for our baby's naming day which was basically just a party for everyone to meet DS.

EldritchCleavage Thu 13-Jun-13 12:30:49

I also think the wedding planner probably headed off similar tackiness at the wedding.

I've been to a secular humanist naming ceremony. There was no gift list for parents or child, and the mother was happily surprised that so many of us brought something.

I think go with the baby present you've already brought, nothing for mother.

Whatever happened to the tradition that father bought mother a present to recognise her hard work in producing the infant? I don't think the birth rate is so critical the whole community has to join in, though if that's the way we're going I want it made retrospective so I can have a pair of diamond earrings, please.

YANBU, how rude!

TheThickPlottens Thu 13-Jun-13 13:10:13

And there I thought that the point of any celebration was to have the friends around.

I'm always just happy people turn up. If they bring a gift, it is always appreciated but not expected or pre-ordered. shock

Sallyingforth Thu 13-Jun-13 13:25:03

it's the direct equivalent of a christening so the same rules should apply

No it's not. Christening is introducing the child into the Church by baptism, with godparents taking on responsibilities towards the child. It also includes naming the child.

A naming ceremony is just that and no more. And since the child's name is usually given at birth it seems to be nothing more than an excuse for a party. Not that there's anything wrong with a party of course!

Cravey Thu 13-Jun-13 13:27:04

Funniest thing I have ever heard. S they got married in a church as they wanted a nice pretty wedding then turned into non believers. Then decided to have a naming ceremony as they are scared of missing out on gifts and are asking for gifts for themselves not the child. Don't go and make sure you tell them why.

PicardyThird Thu 13-Jun-13 13:27:59

When my two were baptised and some people came with a gift (for the baby!), I felt a little bit bad, guilty even - I sort of thought 'oh no, they thought they had to bring a gift'. Presents of any kind hadn't even crossed my mind.

That is one gift list, OP. shock

Cravey Thu 13-Jun-13 13:28:17

Also would like to point out that a naming ceremony is a made up thing that is in no way equivalent to a christening. It was made up for people who want a party and all the gifts. Simple.

Pootles2010 Thu 13-Jun-13 13:36:29

Oh bugger off slagging off naming ceremonies. Just because something's new does that make it bad?

It is something more than just naming the child, it's welcoming them into the family, and giving the 'supporting adults' just the same responsibilities as Godparents!

All this disliking naming ceremonies just for the sake of it is so bloody miserable, frankly I'm sick of it!

Slag people off for wanting presents, but its not linked to it being a naming ceremony rather than a Christening, the two are not linked!

<gets off soap box>

LondonJax Thu 13-Jun-13 13:38:59

We had a blessing and thanksgiving service which would probably be described as a halfway house between a christening and a naming ceremony. We didn't, at the time, attend church and felt it was wrong to make a promise to bring DS up as a church goer. But, for various reasons, we felt 'something' had watched over DS when he was a baby and wanted to give thanks for that.

The one thing we didn't do was send out a gift list! People bought him something if they wanted to, but we didn't ask for it and I'd never have dreamed of asking for something for me!

I'd go if it were me though ... And buy something for baby as a keepsake. But I'm arsey like that grin

MortifiedAdams Thu 13-Jun-13 13:40:49

Buy them some.Mozzie Nets for a third world baby or a goat for a family on Zimbabwe.

Primrose123 Thu 13-Jun-13 13:43:20

I think you should go though, OP, so you can come back and tell us how it went!

Cravey Thu 13-Jun-13 13:52:05

It's not that I don't like naming ceremonies it's that IMO they are a made up thing for people to still get the presents and have the party. The point being is that it's my opinion and I am entitled to it therefore shall not bugger off as someone so nicely put it.

LadyHarrietdeSpook Thu 13-Jun-13 13:52:34

A 'hot fork buffet' sounds terrifying. I have visions of red devils and pitchforks all around!

Loving with the word 'foofoo' up thread though.

LittleBearPad Thu 13-Jun-13 14:01:40

You have to go just to see what happens. Will the mother sit on a throne whilst her guests present their gifts to her...

Definitely DO NOT buy anything from the list. I am shock. Your present sounds lovely and also appropriate

I wonder if the baby's future birthdays will also be an opportunity for mummy to treat herself!

Pootles2010 Thu 13-Jun-13 14:05:31

Well in my opinion if you go around belittling people's choices then you will probably be told to bugger off! It wasn't a personal attack on you anyway, or it wasn't meant to be - just get a bit sick of people being rude about it all. I hate the thought that maybe all our friends/family thought this of us, or were saying these things behind our backs sad

They are a made up thing, they're made up so people can have a nice day and a chance to celebrate their child's birth, without being religious.

ilovecolinfirth Thu 13-Jun-13 14:07:34

Weird. X

Cravey Thu 13-Jun-13 14:09:23

Omg are you for real. I did not attack anyone's choices merely stated a fact. Having read your post I get it now pootles. You realise you made an idiotic maybe even slit oh chavvy choice and defend your ideas by telling me to bugger off. Believe me I in no way attacked anyone or anything in my original post but bloody will do now. I don't care if you choose a religious service or not. I also don't care if you have a naming ceremony and plant a bloody tree. I do however think you should have enough intelligence to know the difference between the two.

WhiteBirdBlueSky Thu 13-Jun-13 14:12:17

It's not nice to call people chavvy.

mosuzu Thu 13-Jun-13 14:13:54

When we had a naming ceremony it was to have our closest friends and family there (25 people). We spoke about the DC's names and why we had chosen them, introduced their Odd Parents and the Odd Parents each said a few words. The ceremony was about 45 minutes then we all hung out and had a BBQ. It was a lovely day and didn't cost anyone anything.

Pootles2010 Thu 13-Jun-13 14:15:05

Right... hmm can't say I considered whether my choice was 'chavvy' (vile word). But to say someone's only had a ceremony to celebrate their child to get presents is attacking it.

I didn't confuse a naming ceremony with a religious ceremony, indeed the difference between the two was the reason for me choosing a naming ceremony!

Floggingmolly Thu 13-Jun-13 14:29:19

Have a nice day and a chance to celebrate their child's birth
But they presumably raked in a load of gifts and were congratulated on their child's birth 8 months ago, Pootles.
Unless he's the Second Coming a very special child, he must be fairly old hat to everyone except his adoring parents by now. Time to move on.

Sallyingforth Thu 13-Jun-13 14:32:27

Another one here NOT knocking a naming ceremony. It seems a reasonable thing to do if you are an atheist and want to have a party celebrating the new baby.
But it is NOT the same as a Christening. Where do you think the name comes from?

Cravey Thu 13-Jun-13 14:32:53

I was referring to the op post when talking about having a party to receive presents. It would seem the choice they are making is about the mother of the child getting what she wants hence the list. And calling people chavvy is certainly not nice, however I was referring to the posters choice not herself. Telling people to bugger off as they don't agree with your choice is also not nice. As for the naming ceremony being a made up thing to celebrate the child then go for it but don't expect others to conform and roll up with a gift etc.

Pootles2010 Thu 13-Jun-13 14:37:35

Right i'm going to bow out - I think this is an agree-to-disagree one. I would say that most people don't expect a gift, it's clear that the op's friend is a loon, and the rest of us that having naming ceremonies shouldn't be tarred with her loony-ness.

I invited people to my ds's naming day to celebrate with us, I put on a nice afternoon tea for them all, and we had a lovely time. Obviously unreasonable of me.

Cravey Thu 13-Jun-13 15:01:58

No that's the point pootles it's not unreasonable is it? It's my opinion that's all but you seemed to come across as if you thought I shouldn't be allowed that. I don't like them I think they are a grabby attention seeking thing however you do as you choose. I'm just glad to hear you didn't send a gift list out.

spatchcock Thu 13-Jun-13 15:08:02

I agree with Pootles, and would also like to say that a naming ceremony can be as diverse an occasion as a wedding or birthday party.

I've been to two naming day parties and BOTH specified no presents. We just ate and drank and had a laugh. At one of them everyone sung a song together and then we all wrote down a wish for the baby and put it in a box. It was really lovely, not 'grabby' or attention seeking at all.

Craves - you are being exceedingly rude and judgemental. I am sure some people have naming ceremonies 'just for a party and presents', but that is because there are greedy people, not because of naming ceremonies. You could just as well say that some people have a wedding (church or civil) or a christening in church 'because they want a party and presents'.

IMO, naming ceremonies were invented because there are non-religious people who still want to celebrate the arrival of their child, welcome them to the family and give them special supporters (like godparents), without having to have a religious ceremony. What is wrong with that?

Do you believe that people who have civil wedding ceremonies instead go a church wedding 'are just doing it for a party and the presents'?

Your view is very offensive.

Sorry - that should be Cravey - iPad autocorrect strikes again.

ithaka Thu 13-Jun-13 15:15:29

I don't think a Naming Ceremony is 'chavvy' - but then, I dislike the use of the word 'chavvy' as to me it has connotations of class hatred.

We had a 'Naming Ceremony' for our last child. We are atheists, so didn't do anything for the first two. However, the third was born after our middle child died and it really needed to be marked in the family and shared with the children, as part of the grief process. Or maybe we are chavs - who cares?

Anyway, whether it is a naming ceremony or christening is irrelevant to the oddness of a gift list for one parent, on a occasion intended to celebrate a child.

LondonJax Thu 13-Jun-13 15:23:19

To be honest most ceremonies of any sort are attention seeking - after all, to get married you only need two witnesses, for a child to be Christened you only need the parents and Godparents present and at our son's thanksgiving we could have just had us! But I don't know many people who limit their celebration to the absolute minimum. I've been to Christenings where I know the parents will not set foot inside a Church again until their child marries - unless it's by invitation. And that's fine. It's not my business and I'm happy to welcome their child - it's a happy time.

And what's wrong with people who have a naming ceremony? Most are being honest enough to say they want to celebrate without making a false promise.

spatchcock Thu 13-Jun-13 15:29:11

Love how Cravey has stated that naming ceremonies are a 'made up' thing. Not like Christenings, which are based on the solid scientific fact of religion. Arf!

wickeddevil Thu 13-Jun-13 15:30:29

Council offered to hold a naming ceremony when we registered dd's birth. TBH I thought it was an attempt by them to raise revenue in these straightened times.
I didn't realise people actually went along with it....
And to think of the pressies I missed envy

Also, Cravey - it is not a 'fact' that people only have naming ceremonies just for the party and the presents - it is just your opinion. Of course you are entitled to your opinion, but unless you can produce evidence to back up that claim, you cannot say it is a fact.

ubik Thu 13-Jun-13 15:34:02

i think a naming ceremony is a lovely idea

i think a gift list for mother and/or baby is crass and grasping

ubik Thu 13-Jun-13 15:37:45

also the whole 'baby shower' thing which is supposed to be a party organised by your female friends where you can giggle and coo over babygros or something according to some American films I have watched

a friend was invited to a baby shower in Mamas and Papas complete with guest list, warm asti spumante and bowls of twiglets shock

mumaa Thu 13-Jun-13 15:40:41

Not normal and not something i have EVER heard of.

Either decline, or go with a gift for the baby - for whom the event is supposed to be surely?!

If comments are made say you presumed the gift list was optional - weird!

Lavenderhoney Thu 13-Jun-13 15:56:03

I've never heard of a naming ceremony. I would just take along the gifts you have already bought, with a nice note saying you bought them before the list came, and would she like to come for lunch soon?

Is there nothing for the dh? I would just ignore the list of treats for her tbh. Seems very odd. Whoever suggested it to her and agreed it was a good idea clearly doesn't like her much it seems to me.

Cravey Thu 13-Jun-13 16:08:17

Yep it's my opinion no judgement however, as for being rude when I was told to bugger off then I defended myself. Ad yes I know it's not a fact people have the ceremony just for the presents I said that it seemed the op friend was though. Read the threads properly maybe next time. Oh and maybe get off your high horse before you fall. Also re the fact that they are made up things I would like to clarify that christening s are also a made up service for the masses that choose to believe in whatever. I don't like those either.

spatchcock Thu 13-Jun-13 16:18:17

"Also would like to point out that a naming ceremony is a made up thing that is in no way equivalent to a christening. It was made up for people who want a party and all the gifts. Simple."

"Also re the fact that they are made up things I would like to clarify that christening s are also a made up service for the masses that choose to believe in whatever."

So they are equivalent then?

Cravey - when you said "^Also would like to point out that a naming ceremony is a made up thing that is in no way equivalent to a christening. It was made up for people who want a party and all the gifts. Simple."^, I read that as you stating a fact (it didn't come over as you just stating your opinion). However, if this was not your intention, I apologise for misinterpreting what you wrote.

spondulix Thu 13-Jun-13 16:23:55

"it's my opinion no judgement"

Calling someone's choice 'chavvy' or 'idiotic' seems a leetle judgemental to me. Just my opinion.

Bugger - italicisation fail.

Unbelievable!! Please go, just so you can report back. Don't take a bloody present though...

Cravey Thu 13-Jun-13 16:45:45

Thanks for the apology I was sitting on my hands waiting for it. In all seriousness I don't like them or christenings. Both IMO are a load of old tosh and yes I feel naming days etc are slightly chavvy. However that's just my opinion and if invited wouldn't go. Simple as. If you like them that's your choice. As I unlike some on here respect that choice totally. Op go along with your gift it sounds lovely. If the mother doesn't like it then show her this thread.

Elquota Thu 13-Jun-13 16:49:10

The purpose of a Christening is to formally welcome someone into the church family. Contrary to popular belief, it's not a naming ceremony - the child already has a name. The baby is addressed by name at the point when s/he is about to be baptised.

A Christening can obviously take place without any particular guests or presents, as I'm sure a naming ceremony could.

MumnGran Thu 13-Jun-13 16:58:12

Actually, have had a rethink and if they are genuinely close friends - as per the OP - then I would call in for a coffee and ask her what THAT LIST is all about.
I would certainly ask close friends of mine if they did something so abnormal strange rude unusual

saulaboutme Thu 13-Jun-13 17:08:17

Wow this is the best one yet!
Flaming cheek. I'd be tempted to send an rsvp saying" pmsl" but that would be the end of the friendship...

LittlePeaPod Thu 13-Jun-13 17:16:15

Oh my god! That raised a smile... No advise for you OP but if it helps listen to this wedding request we got in a wedding invite which i am currently cribbing from.....

On this day, Our special day. We do not know how to say. We have a house and contents too. So presents really wouldn't do. But if a gift you'd like to bring. Then money would be just the thing (no gift cards etc.). We hope this does not cause offence. In our case it makes more sense

I particularly like the brackets specificity no gift cards etc. grin ha ha ha ha

DF has refused and insists we are buying a present.... Some people just have no shame!

doubleshotespresso Thu 13-Jun-13 17:18:53

Wow. I had not expected this thread to become so heated!

Just got in from work/ school run so will answer a few queries....

No this is not a joke, I sit here at my desk with the invitation and gift list propped up in front of me. It reads like a society wedding nvitation complete with guidelines for the use of cameras and social media during the event.

The couple in question had what I would call a high-end and very tasteful wedding, they did have a gift list yes, but far less grabby and with typical John Lewis type items, most reasonably priced. It was a fun and personal to them day....

I come from a background where you have a Christening to welcome the baby to the world and the family and invite everybody to the family home for an afternoon tea, maybe Champagne type of affair.

I did not mean a naming ceremony was inferior, no it would not ever be an option for us but just down to personal beliefs etc.

We would never enclose a gift list , it would not occur to us.

So to answer a few more queries, yes I spoke to two other invited guests this afternoon who are both equally blown away by the grabby nature of this and also the prices of things requested. They and their families face the same dilemma as us. Go along, grin and bear it or politely decline? Nobody wants to offend and I feel strongly the baby in question who ought to be the focus of all this is being largely forgotten. She has a sister who moved a few years ago to Australia and one friend believes the suggestion may have come from there.

The event itself yes appears to be based on a wedding reception, Champagne reception and hot fork buffet (Yes I hate them too-either pay for a meal or don't) . Arrangements for drinks later is unclear.

There appears to be lots of "entertainment" scheduled throughout the evening and I know that there will be up to 40 children 10 years and under attending. What they are supposed to do up until 11pm is also unclear.

DP has said today: "I'm not arsed either way really, if you think we should go just let me know? Do I have to wear a suit? Oh and we are not paying for anything other than for the baby if we do go...

Still deciding to be honest..... But have literally spat my tea out at some ofbyour wonderful suggestions! Please keep 'em coming, but please let's steer clear of arguements based on chavvy things, this has been fun so far, help me focus on what to do instead please! confused

doubleshotespresso Thu 13-Jun-13 17:20:30

littlepeapod OMG! Where do these people find their nerve? Wow.

skyeskyeskye Thu 13-Jun-13 17:22:28

When we registered DD's birth, the registrar gave us a leaflet on a baby naming ceremony - the "Civil Wedding equivalent of a Christening" was how she put it....

We had a Christening for DD because a family member had previously lost a little girl aged 3, who had to be Christened on her deathbed or else she could not be buried in consecrated ground in the churchyard. I vowed there and then that any child of mine would be Christened.

We certainly didn't put out a gift list, people bought a little gift, the usual things of ornaments or money boxes or gave money, which was entirely their choice. But to have a gift list for the mother shock - that is just unbelievable!

doubleshotespresso Thu 13-Jun-13 17:23:13

mumngran You know what? You are onto something here. We are close enough friends for me to broach this subject with her I think without losing the friendship. We have been there for each other in equal measure in good times and in bad....

I might just do that whilst our boys are football training on Saturday.

LittlePeaPod Thu 13-Jun-13 17:28:38

double I don't know but it's just so funny... grin

Elquota Thu 13-Jun-13 17:30:58

Well done for thinking of broaching the subject with your friend. That makes you a truly good friend in my book. Someone who doesn't just start blanking people when the going gets tricky, but is willing to be honest.


doubleshotespresso Thu 13-Jun-13 17:34:38

skye if you were to see the gifts listed you would think this even more unbelievable.... Travel candles in their own leather (monogrammed) cases? Top of every new Mum's list?

A block of deep tissue massage sessions at a very poncey famous spa?

Or maybe a Handbag or two? There are 3 listed. And they are not cheap. Designer labelled and tagged.

Photography portrait session (for one)

Blah blah blah blah

LittleBearPad Thu 13-Jun-13 17:35:00

Please let us know what happens. Pretty please thanks

doubleshotespresso Thu 13-Jun-13 17:37:01

elquota I have decided I will definitely broach this with her. She would die on the spot if she had heard the conversation with these two other friends today.

I made it clear to them she was a great friend and that this was completely out of character.... But I think it would be very disloyal of me to just gloss over it without saying anything...

LittlePeaPod Thu 13-Jun-13 17:37:25

Photography portrait session (for one).. Ha ha ha ha ha Brilliant!

Lets hope that's for the baby!

middleagedspread Thu 13-Jun-13 17:37:44

Please report back when you've spoken to her.
It's the most bizarre thing I've ever read.
Sure it's not a joke?

doubleshotespresso Thu 13-Jun-13 17:39:48

No this is not a joke. A lot of the items on the list are very much the sort of thing she would treat herself too occasionally.....

doubleshotespresso Thu 13-Jun-13 17:40:40

The whole thing is bizarre..... I was gasping for breath when I opened this.

meddie Thu 13-Jun-13 17:42:26

I love the evil genius who suggested a sleb post baby workout DVD.
thats just inspired.

alltoomuchrightnow Thu 13-Jun-13 17:44:30

it's disgusting..but it might just be worth going to compare 'notes' with other guests and see what they bought (or rather, didn't, hopefully!) I went to a naming ceremony that was beautiful. No gifts were asked for , and the parents made all the food. The actual ceremony was held on a hilltop with beautiful views. And each guest got given their own small gift! Now here's a thought..what's list going to be like for baby's first birthday...

Oh god I'm sorry but I have to mark my place so I can read your update after the weekend! I'm dying to know what she says!

HawaiianSunset12 Thu 13-Jun-13 17:53:04

You are the same person as the thread about not seeing your friend now she has a baby, arent you?

You both used the word "miffed" and posted at very similar times and havent posted all day.

SenoritaViva Thu 13-Jun-13 18:06:29

I really quite admire her nerve!

doubleshotespresso Thu 13-Jun-13 18:17:32

Hawaiiansunset, no not me I see plenty of her before and after the baby was born..... I don't know which thread you are referring to, this is the first time I have ever posted in AIBU....

SisterMonicaJoan Thu 13-Jun-13 18:26:52

I think your plan to talk to your friend is the way forward and I hope the chat goes well, you sound like a good friend

The only person I know who did something similar is Australian. But that's from a survey of one person. Not particularly scientific obvs.

DrSeuss Thu 13-Jun-13 18:27:58
DrSeuss Thu 13-Jun-13 18:32:27

Or, since they are taking the piss

doubleshotespresso Thu 13-Jun-13 18:37:30

She just texted and invited myself and DSD for tea tomorrow afternoon..... Our mutual kids are good friends, this is not unusual..... So I think I will go and brave the conversation. As I said before,we have been through thick and thin as friends, so feel confident I can raise the issue and remain good friends.....

I really have an inexplicable need to understand her thought process on this one!

TidyDancer Thu 13-Jun-13 18:37:43

I. Am. Stunned.

Most grabby and awful invitation I have ever come across. Also tacky as hell, and this is coming on the heels of the wedding invitation I had recently which described the bride and groom as the leading lady and the hero. <boak>

Moominsarehippos Thu 13-Jun-13 18:37:43

Oh yes, a goat! And tell mummy that you had it named after her.

You sound like a very good friend.

TheRealFellatio Thu 13-Jun-13 18:39:05

cosmetics? Jeez. hmm this stuff makes me feel old. What's wrong with a useless silver spoon like the rest of us got?

Moominsarehippos Thu 13-Jun-13 18:39:45

Would that be King Kong and Fae Ray? Lilo and Stich? Bonnie and Clyde? Kermit and Miss Piggy?

TheRealFellatio Thu 13-Jun-13 18:40:36

Has the list already gone out in the post with the invitations? If so then it doesn't matter what you say - it's to late to save her from herself.

scottishmummy Thu 13-Jun-13 18:44:24

given you generally like them,have ongoing contact,I'd regard this as their aberration
I would go,but I wouldn't take a mummy present,take the gift you've purchased for baby
maybe once the froth of being new parents settles they'll calm down

Hellohippo Thu 13-Jun-13 18:45:58

Does she seem ok? If its so out of character I think I'd be concerned for her after I got over the shock of it. It seems so bizarre.

Moominsarehippos Thu 13-Jun-13 18:46:49

It just seems so... Well like a child with their birthday party invites! Almost like they are doing the ceremony to get goodies!

I would prefer they said 'please donate to Save the Children if you would like'. At least then its a link with a child being 'named/welcomed to society/whatever' and the greater good.

LittlePeaPod Thu 13-Jun-13 18:54:04

Also, tacky as hell, and this is coming on the heels of the wedding invitation I had recently which described the bride and groom as the leading lady and the hero.

My god... Not sure what say...

1944girl Thu 13-Jun-13 18:56:14

Don't go they will soon get the message.

Me Me Me that is what this mother seems like.

TidyDancer Thu 13-Jun-13 19:06:38

LittlePeaPod - they went on to describe their relationship as the greatest love story ever told. DP nearly pissed himself laughing.

They are not the type of couple you would expect that level of horror from.

Moominsarehippos Thu 13-Jun-13 19:07:03

But some first time parents can be like that. 'But I've had a BAYBEEEEE!!!' And think they can get away with bad parking, speeding, forgetting to pay bills...

RedToothBrush Thu 13-Jun-13 19:07:55

Give her some free advice:

Don't be a cheeky bitch.

k2togm1 Thu 13-Jun-13 19:10:44

I think it's a great idea! If we all do it we all benefit!grin

HawaiianSunset12 Thu 13-Jun-13 19:10:46

Those of you saying don't go are forgetting that this is supposed to be the babys day. I would go, but take a gift for the baby - book, toy or new outfit.

RandomMess Thu 13-Jun-13 19:20:06

I'm confused is this her first child?

LittlePeaPod Thu 13-Jun-13 19:22:51

TidyDancer I have just laughed so hard that I nearly did a little wee.....

phantomnamechanger Thu 13-Jun-13 19:28:45

is this a cultural thing?? (grasping at straws) is it a custom that is expected by either set of the baby's grandparents, for example? Even so, it's barmy as hell. There must be dozens of absolutely stunned guests thinking OMG about this.
It could only be worse if they had enclosed a colour swatch dictating what colour scheme guests should wear. And seriously, what are they going to DO with a tired tetchy 8 month old all night, never mind all the other kids. Absolutely self centred and ridiculous beyond belief. How she will cringe with embarrassment in later years!

Lavenderhoney Thu 13-Jun-13 19:29:49

Op, How on earth are you going to bring up the topic? I do hope it goes well, your chat. How many people will have got the invite and list?

Does she have time to write again and say " omg, I included my wish list to DH for Christmas?"

Handbags and photo sessions? Amazing! Is your friend a celebrity and not of the real world? It sounds like a storyline from footballers wivessmile

YonilyDevotedToYou Thu 13-Jun-13 19:31:40

Just came on to say OMG!!!!! the cheek of it!!!!

phantomnamechanger Thu 13-Jun-13 19:34:23

maybe it's all the baby's idea? grin

I can feel a new trend for the unspeakably naff grabby invite coming on...

"my mummy's as wuffly as can be
she devotes all her time to little ole me
I want for nothing, I have plenty of shit
so please pamper mummy cos she's soo worth it"

phantomnamechanger Thu 13-Jun-13 19:36:28

Oh God Lavender, maybe it's a horrendous mistake...she sent the info to the printers and thought she was attaching a map or directions but sent them her Xmas list. Oh God! Could be!

doubleshotespresso Thu 13-Jun-13 19:41:34

Yes this is her first child. She had quite a tough pregnancy but was overjoyed when the baby arrived. She has been understnadably a bit tired and stuff butbno alarm bells as to her state of mind.

But you are right. I am concerned. She is not a celebrity, though she is certainly fascinated by that world....

It is so bizarre.

Nessalina Thu 13-Jun-13 19:42:34

I know there's a million comments saying the same thing already, but YANBU!!
You've bought a beautiful gift. Go - I expect they will also have a tacky gift table, so you can leave said gift which they will open later, so no confrontation. They would not dare to complain that it isn't off the list!! If they do, if they even hint, then immediate friend divorce is in order!

youarewinning Thu 13-Jun-13 19:42:41

Anybody know the drill for these naming ceremonies? Are we supposed to guess a gift for the baby? Or just congratulate the mother for deciding on a name?

Sorry, not much use, but couldn't get past this for laughing. grin

YANBU though!

littlediamond33 Thu 13-Jun-13 19:45:01

i think its bloomin' rude.i wouldnt go and i def wouldnt get 'mummy' a present.

Slainte Thu 13-Jun-13 19:46:44

grin Phantomnamechanger

scottishmummy Thu 13-Jun-13 19:48:07

even though the set up of the ceremony and gift request is bonkers,I'd still go
maybe she's just gone bit wabbit after having baby?
I'd not lose a good mate over this.not if overall shes a good un

PuggyMum Thu 13-Jun-13 19:50:53

I can't wait to see what happens for the child's 1st birthday....

scottishmummy Thu 13-Jun-13 19:54:21

I used to know someone who went all mutha earth,right on hemp wearer after baby
fortunately she got her mojo back and got over it
maybe in time your pal will look back. and cringe the whole hoo haw

SugarPasteGreyhound Thu 13-Jun-13 19:57:15

Nif you are seeing her

K8Middleton Thu 13-Jun-13 20:00:40

<books naming ceremony>

<thumbs Pedlars catalogue>

crunchbag Thu 13-Jun-13 20:02:58

shockgrin Where did they get this idea from, it's ridiculous!

SugarPasteGreyhound Thu 13-Jun-13 20:05:06

Fucking tablet! Please update when you have seen her!

kungfupannda Thu 13-Jun-13 20:07:51

Is there any possibility she doesn't know about the list and it was put in by her DH as a surprise?

[clutches at straws]

And could you use that to give her an "out" when you talk to her?

"I just thought you might want to know that people are a bit taken aback by the list in the invitation. I'm assuming it was your DH's idea, but people seem to think that it might have been yours and they're a bit uncomfortable with it."

LittlePeaPod Thu 13-Jun-13 20:10:22

Doubleshot. So just told me DF about your situation and asked him what he would do if we got that invite.... first he looked at me like I was stupid! Then he asked if we had actually been sent that invite whilst looking even more irratated. grin then he said "We would not be buying the mother anything and I would tell her to f@@k off. I don't care how good a friend she is" then he went off on a rant about funding self lifestyles and what about the baby...... Blah blah blah... He makes me laugh when he gets all shirty about these things... As you can imagine these sorts of situations just don't agree with my DF moral compass.

LittlePeaPod Thu 13-Jun-13 20:12:01

BTW, his still going on about the baby.....

Lavenderhoney Thu 13-Jun-13 21:31:57

Hopefully its massive mistake. Maybesmile

I was invited to a super smart wedding once, and the present table was groaning with luxury gifts ( luxury labels, tiffany etc) I was wondering where to hide my inferior present whilst gazing out of the window across the parkland when a man slinked in, looked furtively about and snatched off a label AND TIED HIS OWN ON!!

I coughedsmile and he jumped a mile, and ran! He didn't even look round!

There's a thoughtsmile

Mia4 Thu 13-Jun-13 21:33:05

is confused The baby is 8 months, doesn't it have a name???

nauticant Thu 13-Jun-13 21:36:03

Actually, this does make sense and there is precedent. Matthew 2:11:

"gold, and frankincense, and myrrh"

No way were those gifts for the baby.

Bogeyface Thu 13-Jun-13 21:42:09

You're right nauticant, Mary was straight down to cash converters with those bad boys! I bet cash4gold had a field day too grin

Smartiepants79 Thu 13-Jun-13 21:52:01

My god, missed a trick when my DD1 was christened. Will start compiling a list for when DD2 is christened later in the year.....
But seriously I have never heard of anything so rude and greedy.
Words fail me.
I would go, have lots of food and then leave a small but lovely gift for the BABY!

Bogeyface Thu 13-Jun-13 21:55:03

Joking aside, OP is it possible that it is a misguided but well meaning surprise from her DH?

I know one very devoted couple and he is the sort who would do something like this and then be totally non plussed when it is pointed out to him how inappropriate it is. He arranged a stripper for his DW2B because he thought it would be a nice thing to do, and totally didnt get that it was creepy and just plain wrong! Her MOH cancelled it, not least because her hen was in a Spa grin

I wish the stripper had gone actually, cos the hen was the most fecking boring day of my life!

Bogeyface Thu 13-Jun-13 21:55:50

Sorry, he arranged a stripper for her hen do, wasnt a random thing!

CheapBread Thu 13-Jun-13 22:08:21

Ask them if it's a joke. Don't go along with it and let this behaviour catch on!

Snazzywaitingforsummer Thu 13-Jun-13 22:46:24

I don't think the OP should lower herself to the level of crassness that the hosts here have shown. Take it at face value, just don't feel you have to conform to their present giving requirements - but you can still be polite about it.

Jan49 Thu 13-Jun-13 22:50:48

Is it a separate list from the invitation? Maybe when you could mention it to her you could pretend you don't know why this is in there as it's a list of gifts for her, maybe a birthday list? And look baffled.

pleiadianpony Thu 13-Jun-13 22:56:22

Fucking Hell!!! The Audacity. By them a copy of 'The Non-Materialistic parent' or 'a child's guide to breaking free of greedy selfish parents' or something like that. What absolute a**** Poor child.

BOF Thu 13-Jun-13 23:09:59

I like Jan49's suggestion. That's a good way to start the conversation too.

LadyHarrietdeSpook Thu 13-Jun-13 23:14:21

Nauticant's post is one of my faves ever...

BOF Thu 13-Jun-13 23:18:13

grin Yes, it was an excellent point.

doubleshotespresso Thu 13-Jun-13 23:45:04

These responses are keeping me sane, I just showed DP this thread and he was crying with laughter. He thinks we should go and update MN via videolink! I discovered this evening that the father of this baby has not even seen the invitations!!!!!

nauticant/Bogeyface Brilliant-just brilliant!

Lavenderhoney the list features LOTS of labels, all of them what I would call high-end brands and very expensive..... I did not know some f te items even existed....

This is going to be quite an education I think. If we go......

foslady Thu 13-Jun-13 23:48:51

OMG - the babies father hasn't got a clue????????

Wow - that's going to make an interesting conversation..............

Bogeyface Thu 13-Jun-13 23:52:14

Another serious note. I think you should bite the bullet with your friends and tell them that you are not buying for mummy and just for the baby. Think how they would feel if 75% of you bought for the baby and the other 25% followed the list because they werent aware it wasnt "cricket" perhaps not being parents themselves, a bit foolish and ripped off I think.

Bogeyface Thu 13-Jun-13 23:53:05

Could your DH mention it to the father and let him deal with it? Or is he the type to say "Oh well if thats what X wants...."?

doubleshotespresso Thu 13-Jun-13 23:57:22

Link above for a leather "currency case" from Smythson of Bond Street....
Her preferred monogramming choices are detailed above the link (which of course costs more!)

This is the first time I have reallynstudied the list and its detail. Somebody put some serious work into this. I do not think this was put together by her.... She is not very geeky and this is is very slick, though sooooo cheeky too!

wharrgarbl Fri 14-Jun-13 00:00:38

She has a sister who moved a few years ago to Australia and one friend believes the suggestion may have come from there.

Oh hell no it bloody well did not. I've never seen this before, and lived in Australia for my first 42 years.

BOF Fri 14-Jun-13 00:03:13

If the father doesn't know, and she didn't do it, just who do you think did? confused

mosuzu Fri 14-Jun-13 00:03:39

WTAF at the currency case, madness, she can't actually be serious. Does she even know about this list? It just seems too weird as though someone is playing a prank.

doubleshotespresso Fri 14-Jun-13 00:04:38

bogeyface my initial shock turned to dismay when I first opened this as I was until then genuinely pleased with the gifts I already purchased for the baby.... Thought they were unique, original and fun and would be lovely keepsakes. Now I think I am punching way above my weight.....

DP and father had an email exchange today and the general gist was that he has basically given my friend (mother of baby) a budget and told her to get on with it ( was same for the wedding which I assisted with happily)..... I doubt DP will want to raise the issue. Due to mutual arrangements involving our kids schools, activities, social stuff etc, I see the mother very frequently so I guess am better placed to bring the conversation round to the subject. I feel I have to- it is all so weird. The other two Mums' I spoke to this afternoon were horrified and completely surprised.....

BOF Fri 14-Jun-13 00:05:53
BOF Fri 14-Jun-13 00:07:35

Either it is somebody else behind it all, or she's having some kind of nervous breakdown.

wharrgarbl Fri 14-Jun-13 00:08:41

* squawks * 170 pounds!

Bogeyface Fri 14-Jun-13 00:09:22

When I said, speak to your friends, I meant other invitees. You should talk to her too.

Bit left field but.....are you sure she is ok? Perhaps this sudden level of geekiness you describe could be a symptom of her focussing on something else, anything else, but motherhood? Perhaps this list is a symptom of her struggling to the change in oneself that we all feel on having a baby. Perhaps she is saying "I am still here! Dont just look at the baby, I am important to!" but in a very unfortunate way? Perhaps you could look for signs of that when you talk to her?

doubleshotespresso Fri 14-Jun-13 00:10:22

BOF thank-you and apologies, it has been a long day! smile

Looks like a wallet to me too.... Why would you just not use your regular purse? Or does that make me very out of touch? Or poor?

Bogeyface Fri 14-Jun-13 00:12:20

£200 including a monogram? That isnt normal, not for the person you describe. There is something else going on here......

ComposHat Fri 14-Jun-13 00:16:16

£200 including a monogram?

If I was rich, I'd get it monogramed T.W.A.T. for her.

We had naming ceremonies for our DCs; some people (by no means all or even most) brought small gifts for the baby (bit of a misfire there on our part because we were clearly only organising the event for the presents hmm). What you describe is just odd.

FWIW for us it was about appointing special adults/mentors to play significant roles in the children's lives (I do think the "godparent" role is important above and beyond the traditional religious aspect -- they are the few people in a child's life who are supposed to take a special interest in him/her above and beyond his/her siblings, whereas family are obliged to treat them all equally) and about making promises to the DCs.

Snazzywaitingforsummer Fri 14-Jun-13 00:21:34

Asking for Smythson items? Yikes shock

Just a word of warning. I had what I believed to be a very good and long-standing (over 12 years) friendship, and broached the subject of a celebration event faux pas with them - tactfully and carefully, I promise you. At the time they took it very well, but after discussions with their partner, it all went sour and the friendship is over now. sad However much you may think 'we're really good friends, we can discuss this stuff', people can surprise you, and can be particularly touchy about events like this. You know your friend, of course, but I just wanted to sound a note of caution about your planned conversation with her based on my experience.

doubleshotespresso Fri 14-Jun-13 00:23:48

Yes in all seriousness, BOF and * bogeyface* the main reason I am so keen to talk to her on this is that it is all so far removed from the woman I know and consider one of my most trusted friends that yes indeed, it rings bells, LOUD bells.

I wish I could better explain this.... It is so out of character for her, she has never been selfish, indulgent or grabby. When we have gatherings at our home or hers, we are both the first to get stuck in and gas while we wash and tidy up and stuff. She is good fun... Quite a regular, considerate and kind girl. My father was in hospital for a long time earlier this year and she was priceless with help, chat and support. Having re-read this thread I realise you must all have a picture in your heads of some self-obsessed Victoria Beckham type. She is not at all....

In the past couple of months I have seen much less of her than is usual as I had an operation, so maybe yes I have missed something..... Either this or she has lost her mind..... It must be her (or somebody on her behalf) who did the list if her DH does not know....

I will be able to suss the situation when I see her tomorrow, we know each other very well and she is very open with me on all things really....

Snazzywaitingforsummer Fri 14-Jun-13 00:27:08

Read my post above (x-posted) OP, and tread carefully.

doubleshotespresso Fri 14-Jun-13 00:47:42

Tollivergroat she has one sister (coming from Oz for this) and one brother (coming from Manchester) and her DHs friend (who acted as best man for them) and his wife as godparents..... They all seem lovely people and great choices for the job.....

Snazzywaitingforsummer -oh God! Thanks for your honesty, we have been friends for 15 years or more, share lots of mutual friends and memories. As I stated before we have shared and supported in many great things in life and also the tough times. I was her Chief Bridesmaid at her wedding and enjoyed the day and all the run-up preparations. In fact very recently I had a very sad event in life and she not only sent flowers as soon as she got the news but offered very kind and practical help too....
I appreciate your cautionary words, but here is the thing; if I stay silent I feel not only am I being two-faced, also not a very good friend? I would be devastated to lose her friendship, I have very few close female friends... But something is definitely wrong here. She is the sort of person who would be mortified if she thought she had made anybody feel uncomfortable.....

But your post has made me stop and think - it is a risk flagging the subject with her isn't it? Aaaggghhh thought I had almost made a decision- now my brain is back to jelly.....

Snazzywaitingforsummer Fri 14-Jun-13 00:55:06

I totally see that OP and you know her and are best placed to feel your way with the situation. It's just that I was totally blindsided by what happened to me and it was very painful. My friend's partner was a key factor though. How well do you know him and what's he like?

BOF Fri 14-Jun-13 00:57:06

But you don't have to tell her she has made a faux pas- just say that you had already bought the baby a gift, and will be bringing that. Then pause, and see what she says. And go from there.

doubleshotespresso Fri 14-Jun-13 01:04:43

Snazzy we are all on very good terms. My twin DSS and DSD are friends with her DPs DS (from previous relationship who lives with them full-time) and sports, school and social arrangements through them feature heavily.
We regularly entertain them all for dinner and vice versa. DP and DH often work together as they both work on a contract basis and cross paths professionally and refer each other for mutual benefit... Both our respective families have met and got on with each other...

Her DH is a relaxed, humorous and all-round nice guy. I would call them firm and long-standing family friends. ..... They live a few streets away and we see a lot of them happily, though due to other circumstances I have not seen so much of them lately.

I cannot figure it out.

Bogeyface Fri 14-Jun-13 01:16:12

I think that you will know from what she says if this is a symptom of a deeper problem, or if she has just gone temporarily grabby. If it is the former then you can get the word out amongst your friends that she isnt herself and to just roll with it. If it is the latter then I am sure you will be able to phrase "Dont be a fuckwit!" in a far nicer way!

FairPhyllis Fri 14-Jun-13 01:36:11

Hmm. She hasn't engaged the services of a totally clueless event planner, has she? <grasping at straws> Because those items sound like fairly generic "luxury treats" that someone might pick out for a woman - they don't sound very personal. It could be something that was slipped in by an event planner or was suggested by them and she assumed it was normal and went along with it.

I think I would gently try to find out whether she personally drew up the list, and if it came to the crunch of saying something to her, I would come at it from the angle of people are feeling awkward and worried about offending her because they have already bought things for the baby, not her.

doubleshotespresso Fri 14-Jun-13 01:47:24

Bogeyface just talked this trough with DP who is my favoured sounding board for me....

I want to go, for the baby mainly, but also to support a family who have always been good friends until now....

But we will not be buying any other gifts. Maybe I will be embarrassed or feeling cheap on the day, but we feel what we purhased prior to receiving the invitation are appropriate for the baby being named and the type of thing we hope will be held onto for years to come...

We will not buy anything for the mother or from the list.

And, (God help me!) tomorrow evening, I will be raising the gift list issue with our friend (DP thinks she will accept our opinions even if she differs with us without ending the friendship!?![hmmm].

Here is how I will try and raise it, I would welcome your words of wisdom before tomorrow night lovely people of MN!

we thought the invitation was beautiful, and it sounds like it is going to be a memorable and fabulous day for baby "*****/about to be official name"....We very much want to be part of such a special day and be there to share it with you, but have a dilemma. We already knew the date was coming up so bought these baby gifts on our recent trip to THe Cotswolds" and now we have seen your gift list and realise this is not what you are expecting... We have never been to a naming ceremony before so tbh were totally spooked by this, we assumed the whole thing was for baby **..... We would hate to offend you blah blah blah and so on....

If anybody here on this thread could for just one minute put themselves in our friends shoes, how would you respond to the above? Honest answers please! I am getting myself in a right old pickle over this- and getting cross with myself for doing so!

I must pull myself together ..........

Thesunalwayshinesontv Fri 14-Jun-13 02:53:19

Well, if I were on the receiving end of that, I would be touched that you had thought of me and my baby when you were on holiday, and went to the trouble of buying something and bringing it back. Your friend may also see it this way, I doubt she has had a COMPLETE personality transplant since her wedding. Perhaps her other guests are totally clueless/the sorts to have this sort of celebration, and the gift list is for them. Maybe you are her one and only sane friend!

I wouldn't mention anything about you thinking that gifts should be for the baby, not her. It will make her feel greedy and/or selfish, which doesn't sound to be the sort of person she is. And if that is what she has become/is becoming, what's to be gained from you pointing it out?

In fact, if I were you, I wouldn't say anything at all about any of it unless and until she brings up the issue of the naming ceremony herself when you meet her for tea tomorrow (is it tomorrow?). If she does, see if she says anything about the gift list. If she does, hear her out. Don't judge, agree or disagree. If she doesn't say anything, you shouldn't either. Your actions - in not buying anything off the list - will speak for themselves (you could mention in your card something about having bought the gifts in the Cotswolds), and I don't see how anything she could say would NOT lead to at least some level of discomfort for her and/or you.

You have decided what to do, you should have the courage of your convictions.

FWIW, I totally agree with your decision: you are doing us all a service by not giving into this sort of thing and making it normal. So thank you!

roundtheback Fri 14-Jun-13 04:28:21

I think how you should approach this depends on whether or not this is the type of expense your circle of friends goes to when buying each other presents for weddings or significant birthdays.

If it is, then your suggestion is fine. Focus on the present for the baby rather than the mother angle.

But if it isn't, I don't think you can ignore the astonishing expense of what she is asking for. My friends are largely what might be described as middle class, as much as I hate that term and don't really identify myself that way. We do gifts for birthdays, and make more effort for weddings and 30th, 40ths etc. But never would any of us buy or expect anything like £200 for a monogrammed currency holder (whatever that actually is). If this is the case in your circle, I would just take the bull by the horns and directly ask if she is actually expecting people to provide these 'gifts' because they are somewhat more expensive than you would usually buy. Then back it up with "and shouldn't the present be for the baby anyway?".

I think she's using an event planner who gets commission on this stuff and has put the list in without your friend knowing about it. If not, it's either grabby beyond belief, or the sleepless nights have turned her into a loon smile

You need to talk to her about it, someone has to!

Isatdownandwept Fri 14-Jun-13 04:34:24

She is clearly having a barking mad stage, which to my mind would only add another delightful layer to what seems to be a fruit case fruitful friendship.

If it were me I would honestly suck it up, say nothing and embrace it. One day she will turn round and say 'was that ceremony a bit bonkers?' And you can laugh about it then. Now is not the time to rain on her parade and risk what is a great friendship. Best case if you raise it is she'll realise what everyone thinks and will be mortified, and what will that gain? And that's the best case outcome....

roundtheback Fri 14-Jun-13 04:44:47

Actually I'm now convinced its an event planner with pound signs commission in their eyes.

Say the invitation looks very professional and ask her if she's organising it herself. If she says no, ask her if she drew up the gift list herself. I bet it will all become clear at that point...

Lavenderhoney Fri 14-Jun-13 05:53:28

Well done for bringing it up. You are a nice friend. However, its very odd because its so unusual to send a list like that and most people would sense check it with someone usually a friend or relative. Whoever is advising your friend is not a very nice person IMO.

I think the list is her wish list, really, monogrammed currency holders! Its hardly essential is it? Surely no one is going to buy anything off this list. When the excuses start to come in, and no one is coming, she might realise why, but if she sent the list I doubt it.

Yes, be super careful when talking about it. Your approach seems good. She might say " what did you get?" And when you tell her, you can say " its xx"

You don't have to say " its for the baby, not you" as it might be inflammatory depending on her reasons for the list. I would see what she says tbh.

Is the list professionally done? Maybe the printer or planner made a mistake and mixed up lists. Maybe even now, there is a groups of people across the country saying " have you seen x list??!!- she wants books or donate to charity. Makes a change from the customised monogrammed currency holders at 200 a pop"

I quite like VB, never met her but I don't think she would hold a party like that. Don't designers give free stuff to celebs in the hope they will get photographed wearing it and cause an unseemly rush for the product?

Euphemia Fri 14-Jun-13 06:25:31

Bizarre! That is all. confused

GiraffesAndButterflies Fri 14-Jun-13 07:23:57

^Actually I'm now convinced its an event planner with pound signs commission in their eyes.

Say the invitation looks very professional and ask her if she's organising it herself. If she says no, ask her if she drew up the gift list herself. I bet it will all become clear at that point...^

Have read this thread thinking exactly the same thing!

OP in your shoes I would start by asking if she had an event planner. If yes then I would go to 'did you check the gift list? I fear they got a touch carried away' in your best sympathetic non-judgey voice. That gives her the heads-up and an excuse for it.
If no, then I would say you've already bought something for baby rather than a gift for her, so so sorry but you didn't think there would be stuff for her on the list, etc etc... Drag it out a bit, if she was for some other reason unaware, or temporarily insane and now recovered, she'll say something. If she doesn't take the hint then I'd leave it there and wait for the pfb fog to eventually lift and hope they don't do this again for any future DC

Good luck though smile

LadyHarrietdeSpook Fri 14-Jun-13 07:39:54

I would go down the was this thing organised by a planner route if I were you and see what shakes out. If yes then mention the planner might have 'been a bit confused' about what normally goes on the list. If not then I think you risk a big row/falling out raking things further. It might not be a mistake in that case.

louschmoo Fri 14-Jun-13 09:02:25

Yep, event planner gone rogue. That's my bet. I think you are a great friend for broaching it with her, so many people would just refuse the invite or laugh behind her back. I do hope that it goes well when you speak to her.

I think you're going about it the right way

ssd Fri 14-Jun-13 10:55:57

that list is unbelievable

ICanTotallyDance Fri 14-Jun-13 11:08:32

Unbelievable! You must tell us how it all went. I hope this is the one faux pas she makes in her lifetime and not the start of a new trend or the sign of a serious break down.

PunkHedgehog Fri 14-Jun-13 11:52:47

If the way the list is put together, as well as the things on it, doesn't seem to fit her usual style I'd be leaning towards the mistake explanation. Does the list actually say her name or the baby's name on it, or have the event details, or is it a separate sheet that could actually belong to someone else entirely.

Even if that's not the explanation it could be a tactful way to bring up the subject. Say that the list didn't quite seem what you were expecting and you just wanted to let them know in case the printer/planner had made a mistake and included someone else's wedding list with the invitations. If it really is a mistake it gives her a chance to sort it out, and if it wasn't but she now realises she was being utterly nuts it gives her a graceful get out clause.

Elquota Fri 14-Jun-13 12:56:44

What is a "currency case" anyway? A purse?

MumnGran Fri 14-Jun-13 13:08:38

Actually, OP, I would just be honest, as have always found its the best way to avoid major collisions.....scripts tend to sound like scripts!!

Can you just say "Wanted to check if what I have bought for the Christening is OK, because I had already bought something for <insert name of baby> but the list didn't seem to have any baby gifts on"

That is honest & factual, makes you appear concerned rather than critical, and is going to get one of three responses:
either an incredulous "what do you mean there is nothing on it for the baby" ( if its been a mistake or a rogue planner )
or an equally incredulous "you DIDN'T take it" seriously ( if it was meant to be a joke - and the monogrammed currency holder really makes me wonder if it is )
or she will say, "oh don't worry about it, I expected some people might go 'off list' and buy baby gifts" (or some similar thing which lets you off the hook, but reiterates that the gift list is indeed what she wanted to piut out there^ )

Approaching it this way, providing you don't react negatively if she does confirm that the list is 'as intended' and just move on to another topic, should ensure zero risk of it becoming an upset.

Just my spin.

squeaver Fri 14-Jun-13 13:14:17

I agree with others who have said this isn't of her own making. Someone - maybe the wedding planner? - has told her that this is a "done thing" and then put together a suggested list that she's agreed to.

If this is the case, though, how mortifying for her. How the hell is she going to get out of it?

squeaver Fri 14-Jun-13 13:36:18

It's a very elaborate joke, if that is the explanation.

quoteunquote Fri 14-Jun-13 13:46:22

buy her a quarter of an acre of rain forest £25

It is so rude to dictate what people should buy, a list is a suggestions list for people who may need ideas, not a demand list.

durbanmummy Fri 14-Jun-13 13:56:03

How bizarre - if they are close friends can you not ask them if they were joking??

We did Naming Ceremonies for both DSs. We told people that gifts were not expected, but if a guest wanted to they could make a donation to the local primary school where the DC would attend. We ended up with about £500 which we gave to the school towards new playground equipment.

The only reason I specified what to give was that I didnt want to end up with 30 silver money boxes!! (Still ended up with a bit of silver tat even then!!)

Reastie Fri 14-Jun-13 13:59:24

hmm . It seems I missed out at DDs christening then!

pigletmania Fri 14-Jun-13 14:30:13

Good on you double, don't I repeat don't buy anything on the list. This is about the baby not her! I looked at that wallet shock, how cheeky and rude. I would next time you see the dh, show him the invitation and ask him if you have the correct list as there is nothing fr the baby on this one grin, evil cackle, and the items are a bit erm over budget. I bet his jaw will be scraping te floor.

cerealqueen Fri 14-Jun-13 15:42:16

pigletmania that is what the OP should do with her friend, say look, lists got mixed up, what would a baby do with a fancy wallet except chew it and then resume normal conversation whilst waiting for the reaction....

Featherbag Fri 14-Jun-13 15:50:10

What a totally bizarre thing to do! I'd be rather worried for my friend if I were you, sounds totally out of character!

Someone needs to explain what the difference between a currency holder and a wallet/purse actually is.

ComposHat Fri 14-Jun-13 15:59:27

Someone needs to explain what the difference between a currency holder and a wallet/purse actually is

About £180.

^^ grin

pigletmania Fri 14-Jun-13 16:51:50

Yes cereal disguse it as something, say you must have another list as surely a baby cannot possibly need candlestick holders or a fancy wallet, so can't be right wink

HappyMummyOfOne Fri 14-Jun-13 18:00:30

OMG, thats on a par with expecting guests to fund your honeymoon!

Not keen on Christenings though as most are about other things than actually the christian side and a naming ceremony is just a party and present p excuse as everyone names their child!

doubleshotespresso Fri 14-Jun-13 23:47:05

Just returned home a while ago ans thought i would update you all...

Talked to my friend, she has employed the services of an Event Co-ordinator and he compiled the list on her behalf.

He was found for her by her sister who runs businesses here and in Australia and uses him frequently. Her sister suggested the gift list and it has already provoked heated reactions from their own family (glad I am not alone.) We talked at length and she admitted she is very overwhelmed at the moment with being a new Mum, DH being away for spells on business and organising this. She followed the plans suggested by her sister, and confided that the whole thing has become a circus she is uncomfortable with but that she went along with the plans blindly as he was "so enthusiastic". And then the fatal question dropped: "so what do you think?"

My heart jumped to my throat... I answered honestly, but diplomatically. Said out of personal preference I would probably choose something less along the lines of a wedding reception, maybe have an afternoon tea type thing, that the gift list was not something I would do.... I would keep my focus on the baby in question..... And just leave gifts upto the guests... But said the important thing that she and DH are happy with the day.....
It is heir baby and they should deide on the celebrations....

And then the crying started......... And went on and on.......

And she said "I've been a complete doughnut haven't I? People must think I'm a right cow"

More to follow.... i need coffee!

SaggyOldClothCatPuss Fri 14-Jun-13 23:49:44

Aww bless her! smile

KalevalaForMePlease Fri 14-Jun-13 23:50:35

Oh dear, your poor friend! I can so imagine her getting talked into something and then just losing all control, especially if others are involved. It's a bit like My Big Fat Greek Wedding! Maybe you could take the piss a bit, try and get her to see the funny side?

Xiaoxiong Fri 14-Jun-13 23:51:58

Oh dear oh dear...your poor friend!! Well, the one good thing is that you and anyone who knows her already knew this was out of character and will now not be surprised to hear that someone else, her sister in this case, is behind this.

Xiaoxiong Fri 14-Jun-13 23:56:33

If I were her I'd be ringing everyone on the guest list asking them to ignore the gift list, there was a mix-up and they don't actually need any gifts but any already purchased would be gratefully received, or would just like books for baby or a charitable donation if a gift is really necessary.

Not sure what they can do about the rest of the plans though, I wonder how set in stone everything is at this point.

RedToothBrush Fri 14-Jun-13 23:59:50

Well, it sounds like she needs support and to have someone help her to tell the dick of an event planner to do one.

I think you done good challenging her actually, since this is very clearly about far more than the gift list.

Cuddlydragon Sat 15-Jun-13 00:03:00

Oh dear, it all sounds so out of control. Would it be possible for your friend to just cancel. She can then do something more baby focused at another time?

spondulix Sat 15-Jun-13 00:08:19

Oh no, poor woman sad

spondulix Sat 15-Jun-13 00:18:01

What was that event organiser thinking?!

doubleshotespresso Sat 15-Jun-13 00:37:57

Ok back sorry...

So I am collecting her, baby and DSS in the morning ans she will stay with us untilmTuesday when her DH returns from business...... She needs a break and a breather from the house.

We will contact the planner who sounds insane. Changes will be made. Then I will help her word a note to all guests which will basically explain all to them and inform them to disregard the bonkers gift list.... She just wants it to be "a nce day where everybody can meet and share with us and the baby"....

Then she will call in-laws (who are outraged apparently) and explain all the above. then she will go to bed and rest and we can watch over baby and entertain DSS.

Hopefully we can avert any purchases from the list and have time to make some changes and I think sack theplanner. My DP has filled in her DH and he is delighted they are with us for the next few days and was unaware of all the circus type details.

I feel relieved to have not lost the friendship and that Inam able to help her correct things before the big (or not so big) day.....

spondulix Sat 15-Jun-13 00:45:14

Sounds like an excellent plan. Your friend is very lucky to have you on board. She is going to feel a million times better once those notes go out.

flowers for both of you. Hope you have a nice weekend.

Thesunalwayshinesontv Sat 15-Jun-13 01:01:00

Brilliant. You are a good friend. She's lucky to have you.

Poor thing. Hope she feels better about it soon, and doesn't let this mar the occasion. Best way about this kind of thing is humour, I think.

Bet that event organiser has no kids!

doubleshotespresso Sat 15-Jun-13 01:07:01

Yes we have laughed already. Her relief was tangible. I think this was a train she felt she could not bring to a stop if you know what I mean?

Fwiw I thnik anybody invited will probably have a good giggle and then feel for a new Mum who clearly hs herself in a bit of a state through lack of sleep....

Oh and unless he adopts, the planner is unlikely to have kids. As camp as Christmas apparently. I think the list was for him!

Goodnight all and thanks for the posts...

SirBoobAlot Sat 15-Jun-13 01:18:41

Oh bless her. You sound like a fantastic friend.

BridgetBidet Sat 15-Jun-13 01:24:32

I thought this was going to be a really horrible thread. In fact it has turned out to be a totally lovely one. flowers

MumnGran Sat 15-Jun-13 03:59:42

Brilliant news Double, and sounds as though you handled it perfectly. Am a huge believer in honesty being the best policy, and it seems as though - in this case - it has really let you come to the rescue of someone who obviously is a real friend.

Poor girl ....she will spend years recovering from feeling like a "doughnut", but I suspect will also be eternally grateful that you were honest and supportive when she really needed someone on her side particularly as the families seem to have just caused upset rather than helping with the root problem

Result!! (and now you can give the baby gift with no angst!!)

Lavenderhoney Sat 15-Jun-13 04:22:23

what a great friend you are- she is very lucky to have you.

totally agree to sack the planner and not pay them of course. I doubt they'd ever get work again if you named and shamed them! I still think its a very odd thing to do, the party planner sounds mad or very inexperienced or both.

could it cancelled and replaced with something round Christmas? unless that might look even more suspiciously expectantsmile

or keep to October and I think a letter or card with " please disregard present list it was a mix up by the party planner who I have sacked, please just bring yourselves and good wishes and joy for the baby' should go out as well as a phone call to everyone just to be clear.

KalevalaForMePlease Sat 15-Jun-13 04:44:15

Aww, that's lovely, what a great friend you are. Sounds like she needs a break and a chance to clear her head. I bet it'll be a lovely day now and you'll both have a good laugh about this in the future!

GiraffesAndButterflies Sat 15-Jun-13 04:56:38

Bloody idiot planner needs a good lecture IMO! Obviously it's unintentional, but look at the harm he's done. angry Surely the whole point of hiring one is to avoid shit like this.

Your poor friend is very lucky to have you OP.

MammaTJ Sat 15-Jun-13 05:10:01

Oh I am so pleased you have managed to sort it all out and look after your friend in such a lovely way.

LoveBeingUpAt4InTheMorning Sat 15-Jun-13 05:34:49

Well done op

LittleBearPad Sat 15-Jun-13 06:33:32

Bless her. The planner should definitely be sacked. He's certainly not very good at his job if he thinks this was appropriate. Glad she's with you.

Gooseysgirl Sat 15-Jun-13 06:56:29

This all makes a lot of sense now doesn't it! The planner must be totally bonkers and definitely needs to get the boot...

LittlePeaPod Sat 15-Jun-13 07:12:34

Oh I fel awful now... Poor girl. The planner needs shooting for taking advantage of a new mum when she is feeling so vulnerable.. Sack him/her. I hope my friends are as true to me as you are to her...

LeoTheLateBloomer Sat 15-Jun-13 07:19:24

I've been lurking throughout this thread but just wanted to say to OP that I think you're a wonderful friend and she's bloody lucky to have you. Her sister needs a serious talking to.

Have fun with the planning smile

beginnings Sat 15-Jun-13 07:30:05

How lucky is she to have a friend like you! Well done.

The planner needs a VERY good talking too.

Great update. What a lovely friend you are.

Euphemia Sat 15-Jun-13 07:42:18

Aaw you are lovely. I wish I had a friend like you. smile

Xiaoxiong Sat 15-Jun-13 07:44:04

You're a really great friend. I'm sure everyone will be as sympathetic as you considering how out of character for her all this has been. Hopefully the event planner will take his firing gracefully and not make a fuss, that's the last thing she needs!

weebarra Sat 15-Jun-13 07:47:02

Glad to hear such a positive update, you are a great friend and the party planner is a twat!

I actually feel like buying her something now. Hope it all gets sorted easily.

Idiot planner.

AndHarry Sat 15-Jun-13 08:19:40

shock What an idiot! (Event planner). You sound like such a lovely friend, well done you. Best of luck sorting everything out!

squeaver Sat 15-Jun-13 08:44:44

I think the sister needs a bloody good talking-to as well.

I wonder if this is an Australian thing then? I know quite a few people who live/have lived there (and had babies there) and I've never heard of it. Not doubting her word, btw, just curious.

squeaver Sat 15-Jun-13 08:45:24

And, of course, well done for jumping in and sorting things.

OP you are lovely.

ZillionChocolate Sat 15-Jun-13 08:56:31


whattodoo Sat 15-Jun-13 09:05:40

Oh wow, what a fantastically strong friendship you have. She's a lucky lady.

Give her a hug from me.

Just read your updates, oP you are brilliant!

ChallyCreaks Sat 15-Jun-13 09:10:56

I have just seen this thread this morning. You are a lovely friend and I am sure with your help, she can sort this mess out. First thing would be to sack the event planner. He has obviously caused a lot of stress and angst amongst the family.

Work out together what she really wants for the naming ceremony. Does it start in the afternoon or was it originally an evening ceremony? Scrap the 11pm finish. WTF was that all about?

Call/email family and friends to explain the mistake and revised plans.

Good luck with sorting it all out.

ChasedByBees Sat 15-Jun-13 09:44:13

What a lovely friend you are flowers

crunchbag Sat 15-Jun-13 10:15:05

Glad to hear that this barmy idea came from a planner rather than your friend.

Hope it will all get sorted with a laugh and that your friends DH is stepping up more rather then taking a back seat and letting her swim through it all.

xigris Sat 15-Jun-13 10:23:57

Oh well done double! You sound like a fab friend. So glad it's all been sorted flowers and wine for you

ssd Sat 15-Jun-13 10:25:11

well done op

I take it her sister doesn't have kids either?

O'd say she needs her arse kicked more than the camp party planner, at least he's got an excuse

Elquota Sat 15-Jun-13 10:36:21

Not having kids doesn't make someone behave like this. I'm sure there are plenty of people without kids who wouldn't dream of it, and some who do have them who'd do something similar.

itsonlyapapermoon Sat 15-Jun-13 10:45:18

By the way-it's definitely not an Aussie thing, not as far as I'm aware. Anyone that did something like that would be thought of as a total grabby wanker! Glad you've got it all sorted, your poor friend must be relieved!! smile

ChippingInWiredOnCoffee Sat 15-Jun-13 10:49:28

Doubleshot - would you like to be my friend??

I have just read all of your posts (but only a few of the others) and I am so glad it ended like this.

You are a really, really lovely friend and your DH sounds like a lovely guy too.

I would consider getting this thread deleted as it wont be nice for her to come across - as even though you have been lovely, some posters have not and she probably doesn't need to read what some people thought about her and then feel lots of guests might have felt like that too?? Just a thought.

foslady Sat 15-Jun-13 11:02:40

Aw - you're lovely! Your poor friend, I've gone from thinking she was an entitled batshit to wanting to give her a hug! My heart goes out to her....and that planner needs a right bollocking!

Glad to hear that she is seeing the funny side, and I'm sure the day will now be a day to remember for all the right reasons

onedev Sat 15-Jun-13 11:15:38

I want to give your friend a hug too - poor thing! Glad you're helping her to get things sorted! I'm sure it'll be a lovely day now. smile

Smartiepants79 Sat 15-Jun-13 11:21:13

Lovely ending.
You are a friend in the truest sense of the word.
Your were gentle but honest with her, putting her first even at the risk of your friendship.
I hope that now she has confided her struggles to someone she can start to get a bit of help and support. She sounds like a good person and mum.
Hope the naming day is wonderful.

BeyonceCastle Sat 15-Jun-13 11:25:24

flowers for you
brew for her

note to all like Lavender wrote
Well done OP

pigletmania Sat 15-Jun-13 11:31:52

Oh that's fantastic, poor thing I think s got very overwhelmed ad did not knw how to deal with it. I would ditch planner tbh and have te day that you want not what somebody else wants

pigletmania Sat 15-Jun-13 11:33:07

You two sound like great friends and iam glad you tod her in a gentle and non confrontational way

Well done OP, you've been a true friend. flowers

headlesslambrini Sat 15-Jun-13 12:58:32

Play dumb - list what list? We didnt get a list in our invite.

exoticfruits Sat 15-Jun-13 13:02:59

You do have to read the thread, headless, to see how it turned out!

doubleshotespresso Sat 15-Jun-13 13:43:00

Thanks all for the lovely messages today. It has been a lovely morning, we have laughed and cried and have brainstormed a whole new plan for the day, more of that in a bit. We have a meeting scheduled at the hotal tomorrow morning and I have spoken with the manager there who will assist us with any and all changes. He could not have been kinder or more understanding. I have high hopes. When this is done, regardless of cost, we will be dispensing with the planner, who our friends' DH is keen to eliminate on hearing all this madness. Having read through the paperwork I do not see this being a huge problem as there is plenty of time yet to go.... And to be honest it all reads a it flakily too ..... He sounds like a real chancer!

In answer to a previous poster, yes the idea is apparently "growing" in Australia for gift lists for new mothers'. How grabby....

But for now the more pressing issue of cleaning up our 3 boys who have just returned from the muddiest EVER football match in the world. They are getting bathed and I would die on the spot if any of you were to see my hallway or kitchen floor right now- it looks like mud wrestlers have invaded!

Then lunch, settle kids with a movie and our marathon phone call blitz commences..... To inform all guests to disregard the gift list and then explain it will be a really very much more normal affair.

I cannot thank you all enough for the humour and support this thread has given me. I will post later with our revised and improved plans and hopefully a positive outcome of all the phone calls.

My friend is looking a little more human today and though tearful, is much more the person I recognise as the girl who has shared so many good memories with us. We have named the planner Elton John....

doubleshotespresso Sat 15-Jun-13 13:48:38

I think we may have wine this evening..........

Enjoy! wine grin

FrogGreen Sat 15-Jun-13 14:00:15

Been lurking but just popped in to say wow doubleshot and would you like to be my friend?

I hope your friend will be able to have a good giggle over this story some time when she's feeling more sane calmer with the new baby.

And I think you really really need to refer the wedding planner guy to this thread so that he can see what he did to your poor friend!

Nessalina Sat 15-Jun-13 14:07:14

Well, thank goodness!! Really pleased that you got the poor lass sorted out - it definitely shows that honesty is the best policy!
Well done you and good luck to her! flowers

doubleshotespresso Sat 15-Jun-13 14:15:58

frogGreen thank- you yes I will be your friend! I have a feeling when I do meet this said planner the compulsion to thump him with my biggest handbag will be overwhelming..... His card states he takes calls 7 days a week. We have left him a message.... Watch this space.

Just put friend to bed for a nap (baby has a cold and I don't think either have slept in 2 weeks!) boys have lunch now so am attacking the floor and pretending the mud is the planner.

Then I will put together a note for all guests that my friend can agree later and we can send it out asap to stop anybody buying from the poxy gift list. Then we will be phoning everybody as well.... Just to be safe.... She spoke this morning to her in-laws who were initially up in the rafters but were amazingly sweet when all was explained..... But annoyed she had not asked for help when she clearly needed it. . .

amazingmumof6 Sat 15-Jun-13 14:33:50

not read thread - but it is not normal.

gold-digger comes to mind

Read the thread!

MumnGran Sat 15-Jun-13 14:41:06

flowers and more flowers
Expect the calls will be a major strain, but once done .... I hope your friend will feel better, and realise what a treasure you are

FairPhyllis Sat 15-Jun-13 14:43:12

Yes! I knew it must be a rogue planner!

Well done OP - you've done a really good deed for your friend.

Mumsyblouse Sat 15-Jun-13 15:04:25

You are a great friend, not just for sorting this out but seeing she was struggling and taking her in for a bit. That first year is just so hard. So glad you didn't avoid her which would have probably been what I did and missed the real thing that was going on. Hope it goes ok from here on in.

doubleshotespresso Sat 15-Jun-13 15:31:02

mumsyblouse if I am honest your post has really hit home. I have just realised how I came into this so late.... (Would normally have had lengthy tea sessions discussing all this sort of thing but.... ) i lost a baby about a month ago (not the first time ) so I have been very out of the loop if things recently and I think she has probably avoided enthusing about all these plans out of respect when actually I could have done with somethng positive to focus on..... Maybe I have avoided her a little bit too.......

The important thing is now to get her back on track and rested, we can sort this out I am sure, but yes I could not avoid this. I just knew that none of this was her style at all. It worried me so badly....

Nearly finished the note for guests.... Tried to pitch it with humour and humble honesty..... Will wait and let her read it when she wakes up in an hour or so..... Just got a call from her DH who is trying to get back from work tomorrow evening (up North at mo) to add support. That will be such a help if he can... Though I think he will need to go back for a couple of days early next week....

And the baby has stopped crying and is sleeping!!!!! For more than two hours now..... !!! All good so far....

ZillionChocolate Sat 15-Jun-13 15:40:34

Aw doubleespressoshot, you sound bloody lovely!

RandomMess Sat 15-Jun-13 15:41:16

Aw What a lovely lovely update, so wonderful that you've helped your friend escape the grasps of the Elton John event planner smile

FrogGreen Sat 15-Jun-13 17:11:25

doubleshot you are amazing. You have negotiated this impossible situation (which I would have failed at, honestly I could never have done as well as you have,) shown your friend such kindness and support all while dealing with your own loss... not simple... I am a little bit in awe.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I'm sure the other guests will see the funny side and the baby will end up with a better naming day than would have been otherwise (certainly very memorable.)

I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your baby doubleshot sad flowers

Pouncer1 Sat 15-Jun-13 18:01:09

You sound like the most amazing friend, I wish I had a friend like you.

I am so sorry to hear about your loss sad I hope time will help and soon you will have your own LO. Big hugs.

roadkillbunny Sat 15-Jun-13 18:49:47

Tears in eyes and a late supper after reading this thread.
You're an amazing compassionate friend.
I hope everything comes right for her and as for the planner, depending on what happens when you speak to him I would consider naming and shaming in the event planning world (what ever that may be, I am thinking on event planning message boards and the like).
flowers to you both.

pigletmania Sat 15-Jun-13 19:39:11

My god op your an amazing friend. Can you be mine too smile. That weddin planner sounds like Fraaaaaank from Don't tell the Bride with Steve Martin grin

Anja1Cam Sat 15-Jun-13 19:49:30

doubleshot you are a star and a true friend! I've been ploughing through this thread this afternoon, amazing! Glad it can be sorted and it was not a case of 'mumzilla' Well done and now put your feet up wine wine (maybe not too many though) before the phone marathon.

amazingmumof6 Sat 15-Jun-13 20:18:20

piglet I love Fraaank.

that film is one of my favourites

WouldBeHarrietVane Sat 15-Jun-13 20:22:24

Double, you are a lovely friend and she sounds lovely too. What a mix up!!

headlesslambrini Sat 15-Jun-13 20:28:29

double you sound like a true friend, one which many people on this thread would love to have, a truly unique person. Your children and Dh are so lucky to have you. I really wish I knew you in RL smile

I would also be getting your friend registered on here for more support as well. Tell her we would love to have her and if she would like to post in AIBU in relation into what she would like to do to the planner, I'm sure she will get some suggestions which will put a smile on her face [ grin]

HotCrossPun Sat 15-Jun-13 20:40:52

Doubleshot I hope you are going to get some kind of rota organised after this thread.

You have a lot of new friends to accommodate grin

sweetestcup Sat 15-Jun-13 20:43:59

Im so glad you have been able to talk about it with your friend double and things are ok, I often am aghast at some of the stuff I read here and people cant or wont actually TALK to the people concerned, ok some people are scared of confrontation, upsetting others etc but nothing can actually be sorted out unless people talk to each other.

scottishmummy Sat 15-Jun-13 21:08:00

thank christ you never listened to the dump Her,she no good to you crew
dispensing hot headed yo you go sista advice
glad pal got opportunity to explain her situation,and all ok

What a lovely ending to the story - and what a lovely friend you are, Doubleshot. When you meet the planner and thump him with your handbag, please give him an extra one from me!

Your muddy rugby boys reminds me of a song my dad used to sing to me, that started, 'My, but you're a mucky kid, dirty as a dustbin lid!' - as the mother of three boys myself, it seems apt!

pigletmania Sat 15-Jun-13 21:27:43

It's a good film isn't it amazing. I dident know there were real life fraaaaanks oh dear

SugarPasteGreyhound Sat 15-Jun-13 21:41:06

What a great update, hope the day goes well - it sounds like it is shaping up to be a really lovely celebration

LondonJax Sat 15-Jun-13 21:51:30

Well done! And congratulations to your friend for having a friend like you.

DeskPlanner Sat 15-Jun-13 21:52:13

Hope things go ok for her. Do get this thread deleated, I would hate for her to come across it at some point in the future.

amazingmumof6 Sun 16-Jun-13 00:58:02

read thread

just wow!

double well done, you're a lovely friend - glad you went with your gut, and gently confronted her about it!
poor her, no first time mum needs that trauma of people falsely accusing her being a grabby bitch - if she ever reads this thread I'm sorry about my comment, it was obviously misguided!
big hugs to both of you!
when the ceremony is over you can all laugh about this gift-list-gate!

you know, for all the troubles "Fraaank Elton John" caused he should pay for you and your friend to go & have a lovely spa day - you two need to recover from all the mess he caused!wink

and after the relaxing massages and mud packs you must watch "Father of the Bride" before going to bed - in fact if you pm me your address I'll send you a copy as a present from me and piglet!grin

doubleshotespresso Sun 16-Jun-13 02:32:01

Thanks everybody, I cannot quite describe how exhausting today has been. We have sent about 60 emails and called so many people the battery ran out on my house phone! We have printed the same note that went into the email, stuffed and addressed envelopes to the entire invited guest list and will post tomorrow morning....

We sank (ahem) 2 bottles of wine between the two of us and DP , lots f tea too and have taken it in turns to deal with the baby..... Friend is now in a deep deep sleep.

Hotel meeting tomorrow...... We are yet to have our voicemail or email answered by Elton John..... I cannot wait until we get rid of him. I have never before hated somebody before meeting them, but I really do based in the things I have heard today. He took advantage and I am determined to let him know how vile his behaviourbhas been....

Best news today is that her DH is cominghome tomorrow night for onenight amd will join us formdinner tomorrow. So have just finished a Jaffa cake cheesecake ( promised kids so had to!) and am weirdly wide awake now. DP is snoring for England in front of tv.....

What a day. I cannot believe any human could be so opportunistic.....

Anyway- me and the kindle are off to bed. Will update tomorrow.....

And yes maybe I should dlete this thread- any idea how I do this please anybody? It has been greatly therapeutic for me but think whenthis is all resolved I will maybe do that. Hmmmm, I do feel as though I have new friends in a weird way this week. You have all made me laugh when I needed to and think rationally when I had lost perspective.

Must check out father of the bride!

Night all zzzzzzz

doubleshotespresso Sun 16-Jun-13 02:35:13

Oh I should add my friend is not on MN. She only got her own email account last year ..... You are more likely to. Find her gardening (her amazing talent) than on a computer. She cannot even work her own sky planner!

amazingmumof6 Sun 16-Jun-13 02:51:11

hi double glad you managed great damage control!

you need to report your own original post and explain to MNHQ that you want thread deleted to protect your friend.
I'm pretty sure they will do it.

I can not stop thinking how much I would love to read the full gift list. but I'm not asking, only wishing!

big hugs, sleep well! smile

Thumbwitch Sun 16-Jun-13 05:05:07

You are a great friend and I'm so pleased that you and she have been able to sort this situation out.

I am currently in Australia, although not in a major city, and have several friends who have had babies and have NEVER seen a list like that for a naming ceremony. So it might be the type of people who her sister hangs out with, rather than a general whole-country type of thing; we have lots of wannabe programmes on the tv here (think like TOWIE, only ours is called The Shire (NSW) and so on) so that might account for it, but honestly I've never come across it in 4 years yet, and I'm sure that most, if not all, other Australia-dwellers on here would agree with me.

Stixswhichtwizzle Sun 16-Jun-13 08:34:45

Ha ha ha! Now I've heard everything. Gifts for the mother!!!! Blimey!

Stixswhichtwizzle Sun 16-Jun-13 08:52:56

Aww, have now read the entire Fred. Your poor poor friend! Can't believe what a chance the event organiser is!

You're a truly lovely friend. Well done for being brave enough to broach a potentially difficult situation and for helping her fix it. What a star!

Doubleshot ! Well done and hope you have dodged any hangovers.

Please please keep us updated on any planner news. I'm embarrassingly hooked on this.

pigletmania Sun 16-Jun-13 09:07:16

You truly are a fantastic friend, your friend is so lucky to have you. I hope it turns right in te end. I think you can ask MN to delete the thread

youarewinning Sun 16-Jun-13 09:50:34

Oh Doubleshot You said upthread you don't have many friends. How do you not? You sound a wonderful, honest and compassionate woman and I'd love to be your friend!

I'm so pleased you've sorted all this.

raisah Sun 16-Jun-13 09:55:28

Oh I am so glad that this is being sorted and that an idiot party planner is responsible rather than your friends. I also apologise for calling your friend greedy and grasping in my earlier post. I hope all goes well and keep us updated.

scarletforya Sun 16-Jun-13 10:24:55

Well done OP. You're a diamond!

I had a feeling it was a 'party planner'. Monogramed candles, yeah, just what every new Mother needs! I think the party planners punishment should be to have to look after a baby for a week or two! Might bring the selfish eejit down to Earth with a bump!

But I wouldn't wish that on any poor little baby!

zipzap Sun 16-Jun-13 11:12:53

I reckon that not only was the party planner incompetent as already discussed but that he was self interested too.

I think that he gets a cut of everything bought from it and therefore it's in his interest to stuff it with only expensive things and then people will feel they have to buy things and hey presto he has a nice little waned on the side..,

fuzzpig Sun 16-Jun-13 11:16:37

Only just seen this thread so I'm pleased to read a good result. You are a lovely lovely person smile

doubleshotespresso Sun 16-Jun-13 15:08:36

Thanks so much everybody..... Yes I think this has more to do with friends' sisters' aspirations than what is the norm for everybody living in Australia ( she runs a media firm)......

We just returned from the hotel and my friend bawled her eyes out with relief when we got in the car afterwards..... Think we have pretty much nailed the plans and the manager there was super smart with suggestions and accommodating changes... I will detail later when her DH has heard everything..... The manager did comment that he thought my friend had been swept away with the planner and has agreed he will have no further contact with him until we have dispensed with his services... The manager visibly baulked at the sight of gift list.....

No hangover today thank goodness, we went for a coffee/de-brief on the way home when friend had composed herself a bit and had a great heart to heart. Her baby coped with ride so think we are all on the road back to sanity. Her DH is driving this way now will eat dinner with us later and then drive back up north later.....

We have had some wonderful emails and voicemails back from our marathon set of calls yesterday. . . Progress and relief for her that people are so understanding........

More later...... brew

MumnGran Sun 16-Jun-13 15:18:43

Brilliant work, again, double.....and so positive that everyone is responding with understanding. Those must have been some well-worded calls. Talk about "cavalry to the rescue"!

You must be feeling absolutely shattered by now. Have a second [coffee]

MumnGran Sun 16-Jun-13 15:19:26

<<wonders if sister is actually even coming to this 'do' >>

doubleshotespresso Sun 16-Jun-13 15:27:00

Am battered mentally but strangely awake, feeling better the more control we gain of the situation. We still did not hear back from Elton John the planner..... Cannot wait to get him out of the picture so my friend can actually look forward to the day.

Sister is due to attend yes. Friend is very concerned at how she will react to the news of the planner being let go. Her DH is insistent she has no further involvement with the plans.....

More tea ......

amazingmumof6 Sun 16-Jun-13 15:33:28

here's some tea for you

brew brew brew

and a snack

bear bear bear

MumnGran Sun 16-Jun-13 15:50:30

I am one for being honest and broaching things directly (as discussed earlier!) but given your friends mental state, I think I would be suggesting that her DH handles talking to the sister .... probably with a call to tell her he has fired the planner, before the planner gets in first!!

If the sister cares, then one would hope she will put her siblings emotional state a long way ahead of any working relationship she may have with a paid planner. actually, I would hope she is as horrified as everyone else.

I agree, DH should handle the sister I think.

You are lovely OP, she is very lucky to have a friend like you.
brew biscuit

LittleBearPad Sun 16-Jun-13 16:42:56

Double thank goodness you did raise it with her. I'm so pleased people have been nice when they've replied to the notes and calls.

AndHarry Sun 16-Jun-13 16:45:49

Hopefully the sister will be horrified to hear what has been happening and mortified that she suggested him.

pigletmania Sun 16-Jun-13 17:37:09

The sister will have to lie it or lump it, it's not her day. She sounds like a bit of a celebrationzilla tbh grin. Glad your friend as you to help her take control of the situation. You now need to help your friend become more assertive with her sister

BlackeyedSusan Sun 16-Jun-13 17:47:46

coming back late for the updates. what a relief.

doubleshotespresso Mon 17-Jun-13 00:45:25

Hello ithas been an epic day.

Yes, friends' DH called Australia, her sister has not responded well to the changes but will still be attending.....

Baby is very grouchy so need to keep this short for now.... Will update fully tomorrow , fortunately I am working from home tomorrow..... So get some extra sleep tonight thank goodness. I think we will be spending the day here just calming down, her DH was very good, he accepts that the situation was awful for her and has laughed with us all today and thanked us profusely too....

Will be back with more tomorrow......

amazingmumof6 Mon 17-Jun-13 00:48:52

I think you deserve a good night's sleep!

well done!

MumnGran Mon 17-Jun-13 00:55:22

...... and a double bouquet !!
flowers flowers

Thumbwitch Mon 17-Jun-13 03:54:39

"her sister has not responded well..." well too fucking bad! She can have it the way she wants it when it's HER naming ceremony/whatever - and see how far she gets with a wishlist like that! I get the impression that the sister is rather too mememe about it all for comfort, still at least your friend's DH is doing the best for his wife, regardless.

foslady Mon 17-Jun-13 09:46:35

Wasn't going to post anymore, but seriously, her sister has not responded well???? Sister needs to butt out! You are a fab friend. If I remember right and this sister has 'recommended' him, do you think she's worried about 'losing face',............or a discount on something he's doing for her.........???
And everything you are doing for her and the baby right now letting her sleep and getting back to being the person you knew -double bouquet and a bottle of champers to you!
I know you said that you were going to get this deleted, but please make sure we hear what a great day this family have at babies naming ceremony, it sounds like you are all going the extra mile to make sure is an extra special day for all the right reasons

MumnGran Mon 17-Jun-13 09:48:39

How is it going this morning double? getting back to normal for you, I hope!
What a marathon

Snazzywaitingforsummer Mon 17-Jun-13 09:53:17

Hey OP, so glad this had turned out well! I was the poster who had had a comparable situation go badly wrong with a friend. Very relieved yours has gone better as I wouldn't wish my experience on anyone - but it seems that your friend is a decent person who was misguided but willing to see it and sort it out. (By the way I know people in Australia who love entertaining and they would have no truck with this approach - I think the notion that it's a 'growing trend' is wishful thinking on the sister's part - they've probably persuaded one person to do it and are now saying it's a 'trend' hmm ) Sounds like now it will be a lovely relaxed day.

On the 'deleting thread' point, my suggestion would be to ask for it to be moved to Chat. That way you could still update on how the rest of the re-organising goes, if you want, and the event itself, but the thread will go 90 days after the last post so it will die a natural death, as it were.

pigletmania Mon 17-Jun-13 10:52:20

The sister sounds like a fecking nightmare, looks like she needs someone to keep her in check. It's nothing to do with her, it's not her babies among ceremony. When it's her turn she can have te day se wants not hijack her sisters day. Put her and Elton John wedding planner on an island together and leave them there

CSIJanner Mon 17-Jun-13 11:06:08

The sister works in media - what's to bet that she was going to use her sisters naming ceremony as a client testimonial for her portfolio?

WaitingForPancakeDay Mon 17-Jun-13 11:24:43

I am so pleased its worked out with you and your friend.

Is the event planner called Frank (pronounced Fronk) and featured in a film with Steve Martin and Diane Keaton?!

amazingmumof6 Mon 17-Jun-13 11:27:45

Pancake yep, in Father of the Bride!

Snazzywaitingforsummer Mon 17-Jun-13 12:12:57

CSIDanner That sounds pretty likely to me...

This is a wonderful thread! What a lovely friend you are OP smile

MerryMarigold Mon 17-Jun-13 12:47:29

Just read all your posts, double shot. What a great thread! It's moved so far along. And to a happy ending. You are a great friend. Well done!

Fillyjonk75 Mon 17-Jun-13 12:56:43

Just read through the whole thread, please post an update on the kicking the party planner gets before you delete, won't you?

Fantastic thread!

FairPhyllis Mon 17-Jun-13 13:29:10

Good Lord. How come the sister has got such a power trip on her? What difference does it make to her what her sister does for her naming ceremony? Was the whole thing the sister's idea in the first place?

Lavenderhoney Mon 17-Jun-13 15:40:43

Sounds like the sister was hoping for a currency holder to mesmile

You really do sound lovely opsmile flowers

CalamityJ Mon 17-Jun-13 16:24:56

Bloody hell! Proper cheeky! We've booked our DD's baptism and would be more than happy with no gifts as they're all a bit lame.

BatmanLovesAllan Mon 17-Jun-13 16:28:29

Does the sister have the same initials as your friend? grin

Well done, OP, for being such a good, practical friend.

doubleshotespresso Mon 17-Jun-13 21:03:04

Thanks all- just come back with a bit of an update, it has been such a full-on day!

snazzy you were right to be cautious, but I just knew this wasnot the work of my friend. So far so good! Good point about moving the thread, not very up on these things thanks.

And to all of you asking questions regarding the sister, you better sit down for this.

Yes she works in media.
Yes she uses the planner in the UK frequently.
Yes she needs to realise this is not her party to enforce her ideas upon.
No- she has no children yet.
Yes she shares initials with my friend- that had not occured to me!
AND!!!!! Drum roll- we are reliably informed from the planner who finally called today she is due a fee for recommending him! WTA*?

I spoke to the planner on bealf of friend who locked herself in my bathroom and handed me her phone when he rang.... And there began the full-blown hissy fit....... Off the scale theatrics which culminated in " we need to skype immediately! Nobody cancels me! This is a crisis really Do you know how manypeople would kill to get their event with me?"

MN I think you would be proud of me.... I was firm, crystal clear and vocal in our exchange and made him wait for us to return his call for four ours while I prised friend out of the bathroom...

We skyped at about 4pm and I think the correct phrase would be he received "both barrels" from me. There will be no firther payment. We will seek the return of the deposit. The contract was not signed by my friend and some of the things he proceeded wth it transpires were never approved by her. He went ahead blindly (we think he assumed sister would veto all in arrogant error). I have made it clear he has ten working days to return the money (sizeable) and failure to do so will result in a legal summons. We have sent a recorded delivery document stating all the above, to his office and will see him in court if necessary. The hotel manager who was present at 2x meetings has agreed the items he pushed forward were never discussed and is willing to statement this if we need him to.

Then we had coffee with brandy- i was shaking inside with rage and needed to come down. Wanted to post earlier but family, after school, dinner stuff got in the way.....

More later.

I . Need. Wine !

You kick planner butt!

What a star smile

Your poor friend though. Sister needs her butt kicking too - I suggest you AND friend's husband.

RandomMess Mon 17-Jun-13 21:06:11

Fantastic, well done you grin

Well done doubleshot, Elton John sounds like an arse!

How brilliant this thread is, and HOW AMAZING you are "double" ! Triple quadruple well done on all the stuff you've done.

FrankellyMyDearIDontGiveADamn Mon 17-Jun-13 21:50:34

Bloody Nora! Well done OP, you sound like the perfect friend. Are you for hire? wink

SugarPasteGreyhound Mon 17-Jun-13 21:50:45

Bloody hell, he sounds like an epic arsehole!

doubleshotespresso You have been so good for your friend thanks I hope she also feels better soon.

mummymccar Mon 17-Jun-13 21:59:58

In awe of you!

BatmanLovesAllan Mon 17-Jun-13 22:03:41

Bloody hell! Just... bloody hell shock

MammaTJ Mon 17-Jun-13 22:03:49

Fantastic. I have been addicted to this thread. I have enjoyed your happy updates. I am so glad you are there for your friend.

CSIJanner Mon 17-Jun-13 22:08:30

DoubleShot - you're lovely. Would you be my friend? grin

MumnGran Mon 17-Jun-13 22:10:47

Have one or two butts that could do with kicking, here, if you are free at any time double

After a few wine wine wine , of course!

AndHarry Mon 17-Jun-13 22:15:51

I think I would die laughing if someone threw such a ridiculous strop with me. Well done OP.

LifesAHappySong Mon 17-Jun-13 22:24:08

Brilliant. Well done OP.

doubleshotespresso Mon 17-Jun-13 22:28:27

I will be friends yes and am happy to kick butt. The temptation to make publc the website for the planner for you all to sabotage is overwhelming...... This has all been strangely cathartic today. Friend has regaled my DP with the whole saga today and we have laughed hard but I can hnestly say it is at least ten years since I have been that angry.... I think my friend was stunned into silence when I was in full flow. DP has never seen me this animated.......

BOF Mon 17-Jun-13 22:32:13

So, let me get this straight- he went off on one and started charging for services he'd never been asked to provide? Was the contract with your friend or her sister?

I'd have loved to have been a fly on the wall!

K8Middleton Mon 17-Jun-13 22:35:22

The sister's on commission?! Wow. Just wow.

BanjoPlayingTiger Mon 17-Jun-13 22:36:00

Wow! I've been lurking and reading, but had to post to say that I think you're amazing! I wish I had a friend like you! I bet your mate is so pleased you went round for lunch the other day.

This just gets better!

Well done! No one cancels me? What a nob.

Pimpf Mon 17-Jun-13 22:41:03

So pleased you said something, well done you.

Hope your friend is feeling stronger

Primrose123 Mon 17-Jun-13 22:42:19

Well done Doubleshot, you sound like an amazing friend!

I would so like to see the website!

InViennaWeWerePoetry Mon 17-Jun-13 22:42:52

You sound like a fab friend OP, so glad you broached the subject with her. The planner sounds like a nightmare! Hope the other guests are just as understanding as to what's gone on.

AndHarry Mon 17-Jun-13 22:43:50

Post the website! After he's processed the refund though.

pigletmania Mon 17-Jun-13 22:44:13

Wow just wow. Well doe you, I hope your assertiveness rubs off on your friend, she is lucky to have you as a friend.

JollyShortGiant Mon 17-Jun-13 22:46:45

Doubleshot, you are a lovely person. I'm so pleased this is all getting sorted out. I'm a bit late to this but have just read the whole thread. Well done today smile

ChippingInWiredOnCoffee Mon 17-Jun-13 22:49:03

What job do you do Double?

I am sitting open mouthed at your handling of this situation and I want to marry you go into business with you.

Your DH sounds lovely too.

doubleshotespresso Mon 17-Jun-13 22:49:26

So now the real event is becoming a reality.

Email confirmation today from the hotel.

Ceremony at 2pm
Champagne /elderflower water reception to follow with hot fork buffet and kids afternoon tea.
"Village fete" style marquee for children with face painting, giant jenga, connect 4, twister and chess set which looks impressive. (Quite Alice in wonderland)Storyteller for little ones in "quiet area". Colouring table too.
Ice cream fun station for kids.
Cake provided by hotel (sample looks lovely and comes in £125 cheaper than the one "selected" by Elton John.) tea, coffee available throughout.
3 piece jazz band used by hotel will play for 3 hours.
Bar will be paid for throughout.
All to finish by 8pm the latest.


We have dispensed with the following:
Sweet factory £250?
Cupcake decorating class for 5-10 year olds (£19.95 per head?)
Soft play equipment and "hosts"
Live "performance band"
Photo booth
"Adult" goodie bags (poncey toiletries and organic chocolate truffles)
Florist befitting a celebrity wedding £1800!!!!
Gift table and money wishing well..... Ahem.


Apologies for the late updates, just been so consumed by all this today. Friend looks like a new woman. I do not! More coffee.

MsPickle Mon 17-Jun-13 22:50:08

Doubleshot and her double barrels! Keep updating this please, it's compulsive reading!

And for your friend-well done on accepting the help to fix the mess. I'll bet she'll still be feeling wobbly about having got into the situation but she should know that her taste in friends is fabulous! As for her sister being due a referral fee...mind suitably boggled!

doubleshotespresso Mon 17-Jun-13 22:50:35

Chippinginwiredon coffee i work as a Project Manager.....

InViennaWeWerePoetry Mon 17-Jun-13 22:52:30

Looking at that list of cancellations makes me wonder if Elton John is hoping to be spotted and headhunted for the new Kardashian baby grin

MustafaCake Mon 17-Jun-13 22:53:03

OMG just read this thread from start to finish!

Double you are a true friend, not just for getting to the bottom of the gift list shenanigans but for supporting your friend when she needs it.

I am shock that the sister is on commission!!!!!!!!!!!

I hope you all have a lovely day at the re-engineered baby shower!

doubleshotespresso Mon 17-Jun-13 22:53:47

Yes friend is seriously wobbly, though you could visibly see the relief in her today. Her DH is due back tomorrow so I think we will be all feeling a lot more grounded then.

As for her sister, I have only met her three times, but I think they will be bareky speaking by the time this event occurs.

ChippingInWiredOnCoffee Mon 17-Jun-13 22:54:51

I also meant to say that I am really sorry to hear about your baby (babies). If you are still TTC I hope you conceive again soon and it all goes well for you both x

AndHarry Mon 17-Jun-13 22:55:13

A wishing well?! Oh. My. Gosh.

Scaredycat3000 Mon 17-Jun-13 22:55:14

Excellent, sounds fab. What a great friend you are. Tell us the website

IWipeArses Mon 17-Jun-13 22:57:20

Well done you!

BlackeyedSusan Mon 17-Jun-13 22:58:22

wine medicinal of course... wink

more well dones.

MumnGran Mon 17-Jun-13 22:59:55

Sounds like a much nicer, and altogether more appropriate event double , and you have done a phenomenal job in pulling it together, from the disaster on the table.

Dying to see the planners website!!

ChippingInWiredOnCoffee Mon 17-Jun-13 23:00:14

Double - I am seriously in awe of how you have turned this around.

If they are paying you HUGE amounts of money where you work, then great - if they aren't, then you need to get yourself head hunted.

How much was this twat's fee and how much was the 'event' going to cost?

doubleshotespresso Mon 17-Jun-13 23:00:40

invienna he is born to work with the Kardashians..... And I think so is friends' sister.... But we will gloss over that one for now.

Important thing is that the day is now within an acceptable budget and also actually a day they will enjoy and remember for the right reasons.....

The email and phone responses have been flooding back in today, all guests have been beautifully understanding and quite sweet. Think friend is now looking forward to the day.....

Her DH has a few choice words for her sister and has instructed her via email to stay at an hotel for her visit. Uhoh. sad

Mumsyblouse Mon 17-Jun-13 23:01:05

I am in awe of your organizational skills, as well as the fact you are such a good friend. You are clearly in the right job!

ChippingInWiredOnCoffee Mon 17-Jun-13 23:01:43

Oh and I hope someone tells your friends sister that she had better behave & be nice to your friend when she is here and if she doesn't think she can do that she shouldn't bother to come!

Musicaltheatremum Mon 17-Jun-13 23:02:05

Well done.

BOF Mon 17-Jun-13 23:02:30

You are dead right not to post the website, btw: all the clicks will lead back to this thread, which I'm guessing you don't really want Fronk and the sister to discover...

ChippingInWiredOnCoffee Mon 17-Jun-13 23:03:37

x-posted. I am starting to like the sound of her DH too.

doubleshotespresso Mon 17-Jun-13 23:04:15

Chipping thank-you, your kind words brought tears . Oh and I wish somebody would headhunt me!!! And no sadly not huge amounts! That coild be why I have never been to an event with a fecking WISHING WELL! (Never heard of this before or is it just me?

doubleshotespresso Mon 17-Jun-13 23:07:31

BOF , we are keen determined to see the deposit returned. So no I think whilst hugely satisfying posting the website would be a genius bad bad idea.....
But I have to admit there is a huge part of me that wants this planner to suffer the wrath of you lovely people of MN.

Must.Be .More.Mature.

gnushoes Mon 17-Jun-13 23:07:40

Awesome. Well done doubleshot

pigletmania Mon 17-Jun-13 23:10:51

Fronk ROTFL grin

K8Middleton Mon 17-Jun-13 23:14:53

Snort at "Fronk". Spot on.

Wishing well where your guests who have already spent a fortune on gifts can literally throw more money away?! Un-fucking-believable. Fronk has zero class.

ChippingInWiredOnCoffee Mon 17-Jun-13 23:16:46

Honestly, if you are not being paid fabulously - get talking to some agencies. People like you are invaluable to a business.

Wishing wells - I've only heard of them (in this sense) on a couple of MN threads...where they were taking the P out of people getting them for weddings!

<When you have the deposit back you could PM a few of us the planners website and we could spread it around a bit - no links back to this>

doubleshotespresso Mon 17-Jun-13 23:17:28


Scaredycat3000 Mon 17-Jun-13 23:18:09

I wouldn't really post the website, that could come back to bite. I would feel great, but ultimately a bad idea. Wait six months then post

catsrus Mon 17-Jun-13 23:21:04

You go girl! I would absolutely want you on my side in a crisis :-) well done!

BOF Mon 17-Jun-13 23:21:41


doubleshotespresso Mon 17-Jun-13 23:25:44

The wishing well in question looks in the picture to have been borrowed from Disneyland....
So bloody tacky "but we are going to dress it with flowers- and you are creating a GAP by the cake!!" Said the planner.

No dude, I am removing the most offensive thing I have ever seen and think it perfectly normal for there to be a gap where a table ends. Means that folk can reach for napkins instead of their wallets. (Yes that's how I phrased itblush friend was at this point cowering in my listening with my DSD who has rehashed whole thing for my DP..... "She was sick and gave him bare stress" (think that means I did ok in her opinion confused

CadleCrap Mon 17-Jun-13 23:30:09

$1800 for flowers ffs!

HAte to think what the original "budget" was

doubleshotespresso Mon 17-Jun-13 23:31:29

Thanks BOF . I will play that later with a wine......

Sorry above post should read friend was cowering in my kitchen listening with DSD"

InViennaWeWerePoetry Mon 17-Jun-13 23:38:26

Although judging by the cancellation list, I'm not totally convinced even the Kardashians' bank accounts combined would come out of that one unscathed. How on earth can people afford to hire him?! confused

Sounds like you've impressed your dsd too. That can only be a good thing. If she ever gets herself in to trouble with an event planner she'll know who to call........

mumeeee Mon 17-Jun-13 23:46:05

doubleshot you are a great friend. I've been reading this thread and am glad it's all being sorted out.

Bogeyface Mon 17-Jun-13 23:51:47

I have always quite like Fronk, but this Fronk? Not so much (in crappy European accent) grin

doubleshotespresso Tue 18-Jun-13 00:12:58

Holy macaroni! Just played the clip..... He looks very different, but Fronk and our "dearly departed planner" (DPs new name for him) share more than a few traits. I may have nightmares tonight!

As for budget, my friend was never asked. . . . But the estimated bill was eye-watering, so much so that DP would not tell the DH until he was here and out of the car on Sunday. . . Just ridiculous. When friend first showed me I felt sick.

Bogeyface Tue 18-Jun-13 00:22:47

But the estimated bill was eye-watering

Thats the worst thing isnt it? The DDP and her sister were both happy to take advantage of a brain fucked new mother who didnt know her arse from Tuesday in order that they could make some money.

I am utterly disgusted at DDP and what I think about the sister......I dont have words for, but I could probably invent a few.

doubleshotespresso Tue 18-Jun-13 00:36:14

bogeyface i went from zero o orbit in seconds when DDP questioned me as to why I was