House rules I forgot to make.

(414 Posts)
CadleCrap Sun 28-Apr-13 09:23:33

Don't comb the soap. hmm

RhondaJean Sun 28-Apr-13 09:26:08

Not one I would necessarily have thought of either...

HunterWellies Sun 28-Apr-13 09:27:06

No wellies in the toilet bowl.

RedBushedT Sun 28-Apr-13 09:29:02

don't wipe your nose on the duvet

WitchOfEndor Sun 28-Apr-13 09:32:18

Don't crumble egg yolk on the living room carpet for the dog to eat.

Thankfully DDog is very thorough!

MortifiedAdams Sun 28-Apr-13 09:34:49

Dont store your jigsaw pieces in my cup of tea.

TallulahTwinkle Sun 28-Apr-13 09:35:30

Knickers must be worn at the dinner table hmm

BumpingFuglies Sun 28-Apr-13 09:48:22

Do not allow DC to watch Mamma Mia. It will be sung to you ad nauseum for 12 months.

Bearfrills Sun 28-Apr-13 09:48:35

Trousers must be up at the shops.

Don't lick your sister.

Don't lick your brother.

Standing-up wees are fine but there is no such thing as a standing-up poo.

Stop staring out the window everytime the neighbours go in or out.

Worms and slugs are not pets. They can't live here.

Charleymouse Sun 28-Apr-13 09:56:46

Don't drop your condom wrapper in your drink at the side of the bed!

DH just told me this one, he also drank said drink and apparently it tasted disgusting. grin

SheepCantFly Sun 28-Apr-13 09:59:01

The dog doesn't want to smell your bottom. I know it looks like he does but he really doesn't.
Stop tying knots in the bathroom light switch cord while you're on the loo!
Don't put your brother in the toy box.
Don't put the dog in the wardrobe.
Don't let the chickens into the kitchen.
Stop trying to ride the chickens.

alienbanana Sun 28-Apr-13 10:03:08

Don't feed the rats pom poms

alienbanana Sun 28-Apr-13 10:03:51

Lego people do not live in the fridge. They defnitely don't go on holiday in the washing machine

alienbanana Sun 28-Apr-13 10:04:22

grin shock at 'standing up poo'

alienbanana Sun 28-Apr-13 10:04:55

Worms left in your pocket will not survive

CadleCrap Sun 28-Apr-13 10:08:12

Please do not pick MY nose

alienbanana Sun 28-Apr-13 10:10:53

The cat does not wear lipstick.

Stop sharing everything you eat & drink with the cats confused
Please stop changing your clothes every time they get cold

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie Sun 28-Apr-13 10:20:11

Do not invite the lady from next door in to look at the "massive poo" you did.

mindalina Sun 28-Apr-13 10:24:18

Don't put your willy in your yoghurt.

BrennieGirl Sun 28-Apr-13 10:29:41

Don't wipe your bogies on your bedroom wall.
Do not pick up the cat every single time you pass him.
Bedrooms have to be tidied because I said so and yes it does have be YOU who tidies YOUR bedroom.

alienbanana Sun 28-Apr-13 12:23:52

Please don't pull the leaves off all my plants to make a salad for your teddies


Spikeinhiscoat Sun 28-Apr-13 12:32:02

Lightsabre fights should not be reenacted loudly at 5:30 am (or preferably at all)

JollyPurpleGiant Sun 28-Apr-13 13:19:38

Do not smell cars.

alienbanana Sun 28-Apr-13 13:52:32

Banana is not a hair product.

MuseumOfHam Sun 28-Apr-13 13:55:22

Do not play dentists with the cat.

Don't call the last number dialled on the phone and then leave it off the hook for over three hours

VerySmallSqueak Sun 28-Apr-13 13:59:05

Hiding toys under the rug rather than putting them away makes lumps that Mum does notice!

You put SHAMPOO on your hair. SHAMPOO. Not poo.

Oh God, he was covered....don't know how DS managed to cover himself wi it so much!

Oh and 'Willies IN at the dining table, please' is a constant refrain [sigh]

If your sister is bent over naked do not try to insert a finger!

glue is not a food
paint is not a food
crayons are not food
mud is not food
yogurt is not paint

JerryLeadbetter Sun 28-Apr-13 14:07:27

NEVER tell the hot Tesco delivery man "Mummy done a poo" over and OVER again, until he has to acknowledge you. Be SILENT in the presence of hot tesco delivery man.

MissSusan Sun 28-Apr-13 14:10:07

No children allowed.

zukiecat Sun 28-Apr-13 15:19:25

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

superbagpuss Sun 28-Apr-13 15:25:10

don't poke your brother
don't hit your brother even if he asks you too
don't poke the cats
don't eat plastic food that you play with

Pascha Sun 28-Apr-13 15:28:48

Don't 'beep' your brother's eye (poking finger)
Don't 'beep' your brothers fontanelle
Don't 'beep' your brother at all
Don't use the cats tail as a pump
Don't pick my nose hmm
No cars in the ketchup
Don't lick your car

Maat Sun 28-Apr-13 15:29:16

Quite a few years ago but....

don't hold your teddy's nose on the lightbulb

Melawen Sun 28-Apr-13 16:00:38

New one created today - don't climb on the cat "tree"!

grin 'don't feed the rats pompoms' and 'there is no such thing as a standing up poo' utterly brilliant.

HandMini Sun 28-Apr-13 16:10:39

Don't bash your baby sister

Don't bash your baby sisters bouncy chair springing her out of it on to her head

Don't pick up rancid, trodden on old raisins from the bottom of the pram basket and eat them in front of anyone we know

lucysmam Sun 28-Apr-13 17:19:07

your big sister is not a bed to go to sleep on!

the big clothes airer is oh so very not a climbing frame!!!

MrsMc82 Sun 28-Apr-13 17:29:29

Don't touch the dogs bum hole... or willy

Don't give mummy bogies that youve just picked out of your nose

Keep your trousers and pants on when at your friends houses

Don't flash your bottom at visitors

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bearfrills Sun 28-Apr-13 17:38:48

As well as teaching DS that he can't do a standing up poo, I'm going to have to teach that it's entirely impractical for her to do a standing up wee. At the moment she mimes having a wee by leaning back at the hips and sort of waggling her privates around (makes me wonder what DH and DS really do in the bathroom and explains a lot ...) -I'm thankful she's still in nappies!

Bearfrills Sun 28-Apr-13 17:40:10

I also have another rule to add:

No giving yourself hickeys.

The 3yo has been sucking on his arm all afternoon and will be going to school covered in them tomorrow hmm

NotAnotherPackedLunch Sun 28-Apr-13 19:38:05

After peeing, no shimmying up to the toilet roll holder and rubbing your willy against it, leaving the dirty paper on the roll for the next poor sod.

IDoTakeTwo Sun 28-Apr-13 19:41:14

Wet willies are not funny
Underwear is not optional
Showering is not optional
Do not torture your sister

HolidayArmadillo Sun 28-Apr-13 19:44:13

Don't put your snots back up your nose after you've picked them out.
It is never bums time, willies time or 'gina's time..
My breasts are not stress toys (DH could do with learning that too)

Pollydon Sun 28-Apr-13 19:46:02

For 19yr old ds. No singing at the top of your voice at 2am after a skinful.
No drunken apologies about singing as Im trying to get back to sleep.
And from 17years ago - bodyshop lip balm is not to be applied to your hair grin

IceCubes Sun 28-Apr-13 19:47:00

No competitive pooing in the bath... I do not wish to know who 'won!confused'

whosshe Sun 28-Apr-13 19:48:08

no squeezing my boobs in front of company, this goes for DS AND DH (umm not at the same time, that would be weird)

colditz Sun 28-Apr-13 19:52:51

Do not put your brother in the suitcase
Do not put crisps up your brothers nose.
Do not make your brother old things while you set fire to them, it still counts as you setting fire to things
Do not drill holes in my wall with mechano in order to watch me while I sleep. I know I sometimes make a noise in my sleep, but I am fine.
I am not a drink dispenser. You can reach the tap now.
Do not encourage your brother to help you make a giant wee in toilet using both if your wees, weeing is a private thing

sooperdooper Sun 28-Apr-13 19:55:05

These are genius!! Keep them coming!!

CouthySaysEatChoccyEggs Sun 28-Apr-13 20:07:26

Do not lick strangers jumpers. Or any jumpers. You WILL get a wooly tongue.

Do not pour an entire bottle of bubble bath down the loo and flush repeatedly.

Do not swallow pennies, you are NOT a money box.

apostropheuse Sun 28-Apr-13 20:08:18

Don't empty half of the new bottle of baby shampoo with half of the new bottle of shower gel and a liberal squeeze of the new tube of toothpaste and mix aforementioned concoction in the bathroom sink.

Your statement "I was just having fun" was not helpful.
Your statement "It's all my fault" was accurate.
Your statement "No treats then?" was accurate.
Your statement "No breakfast, lunch or dinner then?" was inaccurate and would probably be a disproportionate response, no matter how tempting.

Your suggestion that you empty your wallet to buy shampoo (and treats!) was a good suggestion (not the treats of course), if it wasn't for the fact that you're four years old and your disposable income is in the region of 35 pence.

FrustratedSycamoresRocks Sun 28-Apr-13 20:17:01

Don't lick my face
Don't hump the giant beanbag
Don't pretend to sleep in the dogs bed
Don't drink the dogs water
You don't keep your hands in your pants.

FrustratedSycamoresRocks Sun 28-Apr-13 20:18:43

Do not put any form of food up your nose.
Do not put any form of food up my nose.
Do not put any form of food in your pants or anywhere covered by your pants.

MsGee Sun 28-Apr-13 20:29:28

You are not a dog so ...

No eating off the floor like a dog

No pretending to wee against the lamppost on the way to school like a dog

Awks Sun 28-Apr-13 20:32:39

Do not make perfume from soggy tissues in the toilet bowl.

Bearfrills Sun 28-Apr-13 20:37:01

MsGee grin

DS went through a phase of pretending to be a dog. I already felt judged for used reins (they're not very common round here) and it wasn't at all helped by him frequently dropping to all fours and crawling around barking.

openerofjars Sun 28-Apr-13 20:44:07

Do not make a noise like a phone on vibrate ringing, DH.

Do not bite me then laugh, DD. Also, no eye gouging or fish-hooking.
Preschoolers should leave washing poo pants to the grownups.

My new blazer is not a dressing up pirate waistcoat with sleeves, DS.

If you piss me off, I will take you to Meadowhall for the day.

Springforward Sun 28-Apr-13 20:47:58

Do not bite your friend on the arm, even if he asks you to.

Do not ask him to bite your arm.

MsGee Sun 28-Apr-13 20:51:59

Bearfrills grin

Her response was that she could squat like a girl dog - I told get that neither were really suitable near school.

She still terrifies people on the street with her super bark..

HalfBakedCleverCookie Sun 28-Apr-13 21:00:50

Do not pull your brothers Willy in the bath.

superbagpuss Sun 28-Apr-13 21:07:08

half baked, yes we have that one as well as leave your brothers bum alone!

No slut drops. Especially not at 4yo hmm.

Sidge Sun 28-Apr-13 21:13:27

Do not ask the postie if he wants to see your mummy's tattoo oh by the way it's on her bum.

Do not eat all the Cornettos and leave the empty box in the freezer so when I go to get one I'm immensely disappointed. It gives me the rage.

You cannot make soup out of undiluted squash, cornflakes and shower gel.

PullyWoolOver Sun 28-Apr-13 21:17:08

ROARING at these! Brilliant!

Is this what my future holds? DD still small, surely have a few months left until standing up poos become a reality grin

JollyPurpleGiant Sun 28-Apr-13 21:24:44

We also should have "do not drink out of the dog's bowl". I might have considered having this as a rule if we actually had a dog.

Vulpius Sun 28-Apr-13 21:28:59

Don't suck the loo brush.


OrangeFootedScrubfowl Sun 28-Apr-13 21:29:37

Don't ride the scooter down the stairs.

ModreB Sun 28-Apr-13 21:33:13

Don't put the cat in the Laundry Basket. Especially when the next person to open the basket is your poor, easily surprised Daddy, who really did not appreciate a cat hanging off his face.

dementedma Sun 28-Apr-13 21:43:04

Don't leave an eyeball on the mantle piece
Don't clean your riding boots with your brother's face flannel
Don't bring any dead creatures back from the beach
Don't bring any live creatures back from the beach

DownyEmerald Sun 28-Apr-13 21:45:59

Don't lick the windows.

Don't sellotape little notes to the furniture - this is a child who asks if she can have a crisp when there is an open packet in front of her - why would she sellotape things to my house?????

ethelb Sun 28-Apr-13 21:53:44

Made me think of this:

Don't do,
Don't do,
Don't do that.
Don't pull faces,
Don't tease the cat.

Don't pick your ears,
Don't be rude at school.
Who do they think I am?

Some kind of fool?

One day
they'll say
Don't put toffee in my coffee
don't pour gravy on the baby
don't put beer in his ear
don't stick your toes up his nose.

Don't put confetti on the spaghetti
and don't squash peas on your knees.

Don't put ants in your pants
don't put mustard in the custard
don't chuck jelly at the telly
and don't throw fruit at the computer
don't throw fruit at the computer.

Don't what?
Don't throw fruit at the computer.
Don't what?
Don't throw fruit at the computer.
Who do they think I am?
Some kind of fool?

Michael Rosen

wonderstuff Sun 28-Apr-13 21:56:24

No pooing at the table
Don't touch your brothers willy
Don't fill the washing machine with the recycling
Do not use mummy as a trampoline (why? Was the response to this request)

Earthworms Sun 28-Apr-13 21:58:24

Don't stick your dinner to the wall

Earthworms Sun 28-Apr-13 21:59:27

No, it is NOT your turn to drive

You are two years old.

If you piss me off I will take you to Meadowhall hell for the day
^^grin grin grin grin grin

RunningOutOfIdeas Sun 28-Apr-13 22:08:40

The horse's head does not live in my bed.
Do not make magic potions with my expensive bath oil.
Stop trying to fold your little sister in half.
No you cannot tape up your little sister's hands to stop her pulling your hair.

Stop filling up the freezer with containers full of ice with Lego Han Solo mini-figures embedded in them. It's pointless, because by the time you get them to school to show your friends, it will just be a Lego person in a box of slush.

It isn't necessary for more than one of you to wee in the same toilet at the same time, and I don't want to hear about "crossing the streams".

To DD aged 2

The subwoofer is NOT somewhere to store Happyland people, socks or raisins, however inviting the hole on the front may be.

Neither is down my top or in my bra.

My toothbrush is not for cleaning the bath, thank you.

Sharing is good, except when it is your cast off crisp/raisin/biscuit which you have thoughtfully pre-chewed.

alienbanana Sun 28-Apr-13 22:48:33

Never put a sock in a toaster.

Never put jam on a magnet.

Ahem. wink

janji Sun 28-Apr-13 22:49:31

Do not run around the house naked in front of 2 police officers who have come to take a statement from me after a vandal was caught wrecking my car!!

alienbanana Sun 28-Apr-13 22:51:11

Don't brush my hair with the loo brush. I know you were trying to be helpful, but I was being sick and the time and it really didn't help.

BrienneOfTarth Sun 28-Apr-13 22:55:44

tears of laugher. Please can this thread go in classics?

What to add?
It is not possible to stop needing a wee by effort of will if you are busy playing. The wee is going to come out.
You must remove ALL items of clothing before getting in the bath.
Do not use toys that are not water-tight to transport water from the bathroom to your bedroom.
Do not attempt to conduct water-based games in your bedroom.

JollyPurpleGiant Sun 28-Apr-13 22:56:37

Rules my mum wishes she had made:
Don't put your bowl of cornflakes on your brother's head
Don't turn on both taps in the en suite, plug the overflow then leave the room
Don't run outside naked when it's snowing
Don't bend down so your sister can stand on your back to unlock the front door
Don't help eachother get undressed in public
Don't attempt to make perfume
Don't set fire to things with a magnifying glass
Don't swing upside down from anything
Don't drop the hamster off the bunk bed

There were 4 of us including a set of twins, so we had plenty of opportunity to get up to mischief grin

alienbanana Sun 28-Apr-13 22:59:10

No naked trampolining

About four weeks ago:

Don't stick sequins and googly eyes on your brothers willy.

And constantly:

Branches are not lightsabres
Sticks are not lightsabres
Baguettes are not lightsabres
Kitchen roll tubes are not lightsabres
No lightsabres at the table
No lightsabres up bums

StarryHappy Sun 28-Apr-13 23:08:46

don't eat other siblings sick

Startail Sun 28-Apr-13 23:12:20

No handstands against a full length glass door (she 12, you might expect a tiny bit of sense)

our sub woofer used to be home to lego and playmobil bits too!

StarryHappy Sun 28-Apr-13 23:16:21

don't ask mummy when it's time to have sherry in front of health visitor

zambooloo Sun 28-Apr-13 23:50:04

Do not brush the dog's teeth with daddy's toothbrush.

LisaMed Mon 29-Apr-13 10:30:45

Do not pull every single wipe out of a new eighty wipe packet and dispose of round the room. It is not decorating.

do not rub sudacream in hair/clothes/carpet/upholstery/cat

pulling cats' whiskers does not end well. Did she scratch you? Serves you right (actually, evil cat only threatened and never touched him at that time, but it would have served him right)

Flobbadobs Mon 29-Apr-13 10:51:41

Do not post the Sky viewing card into the washing machine.
Or my handbag
Or Daddies shoes
Or any shoes
Or your nappy. Leave it where it is.

I will change your sisters nappy, I appreciate the help but you are 7 and not strong enough to stop her wriggling away and smearing poo all over the floor which she then puts her feet in.

DS please don't answer the door while 'adjusting' yourself. It looks odd.

TrampyPants Mon 29-Apr-13 11:06:33

Do not tell your teacher about "daddys thrashing stick". It does not exist and your teacher will look at me askance.

When he was younger: you are not a train, and neither am I
A year or so later: you are not a jedi and I am not a sith
A year or so later: you are not Link and I am not Zelda
Yesterday: you are not a rock star and I am not your manager. Nor am I "killing your buzz". Just do your homework.

BastardDog Mon 29-Apr-13 11:14:50

Don't poo in the drawers in the bathroom.

Don't poo in the bin in your bedroom.

Don't insert your sisters lipstick and toothbrush up your bottom.

Don't tell grandma that her back ache is probably a tumour.

Don't spend your dinner money on 4 cans of energy drink and then be angry that your teacher has rung me about your persistently disruptive behaviour that afternoon.

Don't play with your willy in front of grandma.

The music channel is not to be watched at grandmas house because she finds catching you wanking rather embarrassing.

ClaudiaWinklepants Mon 29-Apr-13 11:22:04

Use the correct item for cleaning, ie do not varnish the wardrobe doors with sudocream nor sprinkle a whole bottle of ink on big sister's carpet like Shake n Vac confused

TrampyPants Mon 29-Apr-13 11:23:55

Your bowel movements should not be discussed over dinner. I'm glad we are close, but I don't want to hear about the texture, shape, size and gruntability of your poos.

miemohrs Mon 29-Apr-13 11:38:03

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

siiiiiiiiigh Mon 29-Apr-13 11:56:28

If you think a question is sensitive, do not ask it, not even in your best stage whisper...

"muu-uuum, I thought men had moustaches. Why does Grandma have one? Is she not a lady?"


OryxCrake Mon 29-Apr-13 12:07:43

Don't put pooey pants behind the radiator. Especially in winter.

CadleCrap Mon 29-Apr-13 12:09:12

Just because you don't want to do it , doesn't mean that I want to. That includes wiping your bottom

ruby1234 Mon 29-Apr-13 12:20:05

Don't wait until your teenage sister is in the bath and then shout that you weed in her water.
Don't wait until your teenage sister is in the bat ad shout that you are sitting on her pillow with your bare bottom and rubbing it from side to side.
Don't wait until morning to tell your sister you sat on her pillow with your bare bottom yesterday.

Mamasgotabrandnewbag Mon 29-Apr-13 14:19:21

Don't lick the toilet
You have to sit down to wee everytime (DD2)
Don't shave the dog
Don't drink out of the dogs bowl

soaccidentprone Mon 29-Apr-13 14:31:02

Don't post money in the DVD player. It is not a Money box

Toilet rolls do not go down the toilet, especially if you are going to pull the flush

No being sick out of the window - if you are drunk make sure you take a bucket with you (note to ds1)

Vulpius Mon 29-Apr-13 14:36:26

Don't poo in a Kandoo box.

Don't throw your pants out of the window and onto the flat roof.

Don't throw your pants over the garden fence, as it unsettles the neighbours.

Wallison Mon 29-Apr-13 14:42:15

Don't put sudocrem on the carpet. Especially don't put it all over the carpet.

Don't blame the goldfish for eating Mummy's Green & Black's.

Don't wash your trumpet (not a euphemism) with Mummy's best bubble bath.

anklebitersmum Mon 29-Apr-13 15:53:56

Mummy's new lipstick is not for drawing on the walls with.
Mummy's old lipstick is not for drawing on the walls with.
Leave Mummy's lipstick ALONE!

You can't put toothpaste on Mummy's 'buzzy toothbrush' when it's already on.

Waltzing into to the front room and proudly announcing "I'm naked " pronounced nekked is not OK when we have guests.

Just because Mummy's expensive-special-treat-for-her-shampoo smells nice it is not OK to wash in it before a school disco.

Those things with strings in the green box in the bathroom are not 'missile launchers' for Action man, nor are they 'mice' to chase each other with.

LalyRawr Mon 29-Apr-13 15:56:12

Don't put the baby in a headlock (this said to OH!)

Don't eat the cat.

Do not try eating the poo your sister inadvertantly left lying on the carpet

- a contender for worst parenting moment - only a contender mind you grin - a potty training/ learning to crawl calamity clash hmm - I may have raised an eyebrow wink

No invoking Satan!

Stop licking that/her/him/them/it

Willies must say in pants and mum doesn't need to look at it all day.

No willies out while eating.

No tampons to be stored in your underwear.

Dont ask strangers if they want to see Mickey then pull your pants down.

Just because you are older then your uncle doesn't mean you can push him.

when your uncle sits on you tough shit

Just because you are an uncle doesn't mean you can drive. You are five.

No sitting the dog on the toilet for a poo.


Flatiron Mon 29-Apr-13 17:42:31

Do not stage mock car crashes in the (recently re-carpeted) living room using an entire bottle of ketchup for blood.

People who are 4 years old (or older) should not poo in the (thankfully empty) laundry basket then wee so much that it leaks out all over the Lego base plate you have thoughtfully put under it on to the carpet.

homemadepesto Mon 29-Apr-13 18:04:42

Do not lick hand rails when riding the train

motherinferior Mon 29-Apr-13 18:11:10

Do not blame the cat for the drawings on the walls.

MerlotforOne Mon 29-Apr-13 18:23:42

From student days: don't dry your underwear in the microwave (especially not underwired bras hmm

More recent:
You cannot ride the dog (even if he is 'as big as a horse')
The clothes line prop is NOT a jousting stick and grandma is NOT a dragon

Cherrypi Mon 29-Apr-13 18:28:10

Don't put your lunch in the washing machine.
Don't wake mummy up by sticking your finger deep in her ear.

pedrohedges Mon 29-Apr-13 18:35:27

No shouting "mum, i've curled one off" after you have emptied your bowels.

No dragging your little butt across the floor after you have had a poop. You are not a worm riddled dog.

Ooh Sp you just reminded me of loads one grin

Just because you are an Uncle (ds 4.5) does not mean you get to tell your neice off (2.5)

You are not in charge just because you are Dn's Uncle does not mean you can get away with smacking her

Your 12 year old neice does not under any circumstances want you to embarrass her by showing her your piddle in front of her friends
Also remember it is Dn looking after you not the other way round just because you are her Uncle

Shaky Mon 29-Apr-13 20:53:50

This thread is brilliant, I love it.

Mine are -

Do NOT poo in the bath. It is not hilarious.

Do NOT try and stick your finger in the cats bum. She does not like it.

Do NOT pull the cats tail. She will scratch you.

Do NOT take a sanitary towel out of my handbag and tell grandad that you have got a lovely present for him. blush

All drawing is to be done on paper, NOT the table, sofa, walls, TV, or my face.

DVDs are NOT frisbees

dementedma Mon 29-Apr-13 20:55:25

Stick together, look out for each other, don't mix your drinks and no random shagging without protection.
What? They grow up!

Doinmummy Mon 29-Apr-13 20:57:59

Do not store your bogies in an earring box to see if you can make one massive bogie.

amazingmumof6 Mon 29-Apr-13 20:59:14

no smearing poo on the bedroom wall

LaGuardia Mon 29-Apr-13 21:11:59

Do not use my Nintendo DS to take an individual photo of every one of your Sylvanian figures.
Do not drag your wicker chair over to the light switch so you can administer your ear drops into it.
Freezer doors are not for swinging on.
You are five years old. Anyone who knocks at the door is definitely not knocking for you.
My shoes are just that. Mine.

Sh1ney Mon 29-Apr-13 21:32:31

Don't put your willy on the ipad.

Don't pretend to be a cat, dog, the Hulk when we're out.
Don't sit on the dog. Any dog. Same goes for the cats.
Don't hit your brother with his own hand. Even if he giggles lots.
Don't pull your brother by his ankle. Even if he giggles lots.
Don't bash your brother on the head. Even if he giggles lots.

Don't encourage your sister to rough you up. Even if you seem to enjoy it.

No screaming at each other as a means of communication. hmm

Glitterkitten24 Mon 29-Apr-13 21:44:01

Do not put your shoes in the bath while its running.

Do not offer me a big kiss when I'm telling you off for putting said shoes in bath.

Yoghurt is not for your hair.

Do not pick your nose with crayons. Or preferably at all.

2712 Mon 29-Apr-13 22:16:38

Do not keep shouting "There's a snake in my trousers" at school when it should be "There's a snake in my boot".
Thanks Woody.

HellesBelles396 Mon 29-Apr-13 23:08:36

don't put my comb in my moisturiser...

Shaky Mon 29-Apr-13 23:17:07

Do not take off your nappy that is full of poo before calling for mum or dad first. Your display of independence is impressive yet unnecessary.

Do not eat the cat's food.

Do not trap your fingers in the conservatory door

MadameOvary Mon 29-Apr-13 23:33:43

These are brilliant grin

queenjellybelly Mon 29-Apr-13 23:45:25

1, If you throw your sisters ipod in the bin, tell us before the rubbish is collected.
2, Do not announce in company that "daddy has a really big willy".
3, Do not chew shoes.
4, Do not chew the sofa.
5, Pizza should never do a cycle in the washing machine.
6, the cat flap is not for posting the remote control out of.
7, do not use money as loo roll.

Shaky Mon 29-Apr-13 23:48:13

Sudocrem is just for bums, NOT for teddies, the cat, the carpet, mummy's handbag, your tea, the TV, the walls or iggle piggle sad

Shaky Mon 29-Apr-13 23:50:15

Queen I think our children are twins separated at birth.

You really made me laugh x

Shaky Mon 29-Apr-13 23:53:17

Do not show off your new found "cutting skills" that they showed you at nursery by chopping up a fiver from my purse and expect me to be impressed

CouthySaysEatChoccyEggs Tue 30-Apr-13 00:17:04

Sudocrem is NOT shampoo.

Do not use jam to dye my carpet red because I refused to buy a red carpet.

Do not poke my eye to wake me up.

CouthySaysEatChoccyEggs Tue 30-Apr-13 00:18:11

Sanitary towels are NOT aeroplanes and do NOT stick them all over the bathroom wall.

CouthySaysEatChoccyEggs Tue 30-Apr-13 00:19:11

To parents : do NOT ignore a toddler tugging at your trousers or skirt on the High street, especially if said skirt or trousers have an elasticated waist. blush

Do not put mummy's coaster under the rug.
Do not unroll the entire toilet roll.
Do not shake mummy's bottle of fizzy pop & bang it on the floor.
Do not pull all the DVDs off the shelf.
Do not climb up the stairs on your own before mummy & daddy manage to shut the stair gate.
Do not open the living room cupboard & get the wine bottles out.
Do not throw mummy or daddy's glasses across the room.
Do not change channels on the TV. You are only 11 months old & are not entitled to select the afternoon viewing.

My DH when he was little:
Do not 'measure' the toothpaste by squeezing out the entire tube.
Do not write your name on all the pans.
Do not strip off at every possible opportunity.
Do not steal cucumber from the market stall & eat it in your push chair.
Do not butter the wall.

CouthySaysEatChoccyEggs Tue 30-Apr-13 00:20:49

From today : Do NOT lick the bus window just after someone else has sneezed all over it.


CouthySaysEatChoccyEggs Tue 30-Apr-13 00:21:35

Do NOT leave open packs of Haribo in your trouser pocket. The washing machine isn't a fan of sweets

CouthySaysEatChoccyEggs Tue 30-Apr-13 00:23:09

Look where you are going when you are ogling that wholly unsuitable, 5 years older than you older teenage boy with his top off.

Said to DD 30 seconds before she walked into a lamppost...grin

CouthySaysEatChoccyEggs Tue 30-Apr-13 00:24:29

Just because you are the same size shoe as me, it does not mean that my brand new shoes are there to be borrowed without asking.

I have two pairs of shoes, you have 6 pairs. I may begin to return the favour...

BonzoDooDah Tue 30-Apr-13 00:41:22

Do not put nail varnish on your feet and the hall carpet in 20 seconds it took me to go back to the car to fetch your baby brother.

Do not put sweetcorn up your nose.

do not drop the car and house keys into the country of the pram of a friend getting our house.

Do not hide those keys inside the sub-woofer where we don't think to look for four days.

BonzoDooDah Tue 30-Apr-13 00:42:41

bloody MN app!
*bottom of the pram.

BonzoDooDah Tue 30-Apr-13 00:44:30

*leaving our house!

DanteValentine Tue 30-Apr-13 00:50:51

My two are 10 and 14 and these STILL apply hmm

Don't wrap your brother in copper wire you borrowed from school and attempt to plug him into the mains. He is not Frankenstein's monster and it is NOT scientific.

Don't repeatedly slam yourself into lamp posts, it is NOT hug a lamp post day.

Don't steal your brother's comfort blanket and proceed to tell him a horrid story of how it was murdered and is now being buried under the street by the workmen around the corner as you speak.

Don't set up your brother's PC to have a screamer appear as soon as he moves the mouse.

Don't bite your sister and blame it on the ghosts.

Don't attempt to use your father's CDs he needs for work to practice your 'DJ scratching skills' with. Neither of us will be impressed.

Don't pour gravy in the toaster.

Pet hamsters who have passed on do NOT need a viking burial. They will be buried the old fashioned way.

Do NOT borrow your sister's makeup, doll yourself up as Heath Ledger's version of The Joker and hide under her bed until she lays down for the night. The resultant scream will bring several neighbours running to see what happened.

themidwife Tue 30-Apr-13 01:21:33

Don't keep saying "look at my boobies" very loudly while mummy's on the phone booking a pedicure!

Mummy's pants are not a hat.
Not is my camisole to be used as a cuddly.
Nor is my underwired padded bra a bouncy bouncy jumping hill for Owl and Panda.
Look just get out of my underwear drawer already.
No the dinosaur must not go in the microwave.
Or in the DVD player.
Okay he can go in the fridge.
All right he can come out again.
Yes he's cold now but he must not go in the toaster to get warm.
Right, the kitchen is now closed.
Owl does not need to swim in the loo.
Or rub himself on the loo brush.
Or eat toothpaste.
Right, Owl is going in the washing machine. Yes I know I said he was not allowed to get wet but that was before he played with the loo brush.
It will be a lovely adventure for Owl. Please stop crying. He is fine. Look, he's swimming nicely.
Right we are going out. Get your hat.
No, Mummy's pants are not a hat.

<rocks, reaches for vodka>

rowingdowntheriver Tue 30-Apr-13 06:05:40

trucks I love your post so much I think I might steal it and share it. It so reflects my life!

MummaBubba123 Tue 30-Apr-13 06:23:08

Love this thread

HunterWellies Tue 30-Apr-13 06:55:21

grin at 'bouncy bouncy jumping hill'

FrustratedSycamoresRocks Tue 30-Apr-13 07:15:58

Do not put your face mm from mine and yell "wake up" that does not put mummy in a good mood for the day.

Do not sneak into mummy's bed for a cuddle and then do a wee. That is <boak>of the highest degree.

mouseymummy Tue 30-Apr-13 07:44:57

From when dd was little:
Sudocrem is not paint, hair product or carpet shampoo...
The dvds are not to be flung around the room in the time it takes for mummy to get you water
Do not pee in your room, in the bathroom bin or in the hallway.... You are a child, not a dog!
Do not answer the front door naked...

carameldecaflatte Tue 30-Apr-13 08:11:48

Said to DS 10 months;
Do not lick the cat.
Do not poke the cats nose.
Do not poke the cats eye.
Do not poke the cats bumhole.
Do not pull the cats tail.
Do not cry when the cat runs away from you.
All in the space of 5 minutes.

Laughing so much at this thread that Dh came to see why I wasn't sleeping as it's my (rare) turn for a lie in!

alienbanana Tue 30-Apr-13 08:34:19

Is this in Classics yet grin

rumpledtitskin Tue 30-Apr-13 08:36:48

No daffodils in plug sockets.

dingit Tue 30-Apr-13 08:51:53

reminded by an earlier poster.

do not wear an elasticated skirt, that is easily pulled down by a toddler, to the school disco. You will end up flashing your knickers to the DJ.

to 10 month ds, do not try to follow cat through cat flap, you will get stuck.

to dd. check there is space on sofa before sitting down, this would avoid sitting on random items left there, most recently, your brothers pizza.

CuttedUpPear Tue 30-Apr-13 09:12:38

Trucksanddinosaurs your post is one of the reasons I've nominated this thread for Classics! grin

Wallison Tue 30-Apr-13 09:44:08

When the postman puts the letters through the letterbox, it is not the start of a game wherein the next move is for you to push them back out onto the street again.

Similarly, my house keys are needed inside the house when the door is locked, and shouldn't be posted onto the street outside.

FunnysInLaJardin Tue 30-Apr-13 09:51:54

don't lick your brother

FunnysInLaJardin Tue 30-Apr-13 09:54:10

don't put your head through the cat flat

FunnysInLaJardin Tue 30-Apr-13 10:02:19

don't clean your teeth with my razor

Grannys nurofen are not sweets

Hopasholic Tue 30-Apr-13 10:12:31

These are old ones now but:

Please don't call every random man 'daddy' especially when we are in a lift in John Lewis and there's no escape.

I like rainbows too but not the one the entire length of the sofa drawn on the wall in wax crayon in my newly decorated lounge.

My wedding dress didn't need a rainbow on it either.

I have hours and hours of embarrassing video footage including naked bouncing on the trampoline. Mums revenge is of the sweet variety grin

BollyGood Tue 30-Apr-13 10:48:24

Last week....

Do not climb out of your cot
Do not climb out of cot and barricade yourself in bedroom
Do not make mummy consider calling the fire brigade because she can't get in
Do not take off all your clothes and nappy then do a gigantic poo and pick it up to present to mummy when she finally breaks in to bedroom.
You are only just ONE year old for gods sake!!!!

BollyGood Tue 30-Apr-13 10:55:33

Out of my three daughters DD3 has already got me quaking in my slippers. I have no idea what the next few years will bring.

Bogeyface Tue 30-Apr-13 11:08:19

Do not shout "WHY IS THAT MAN WEARING A DRESS?" on a packed bus.
Do not shout "BUT HE IS A MAN!!! HE HAS A BEARD!!!" when told that actually, it is a lady.
Do not choke on the chocolate buttons forced down your throat in an attempt to shut you up. blush

ChloeR32 Tue 30-Apr-13 11:15:41

Don't lick the window just because the cat does

springykitsch Tue 30-Apr-13 11:21:59

Do not throw the big dolly out of the upstairs window and then scream out of the upstairs window that the baby has fallen out of the upstairs window. It is very cruel to passers-by.

Only God is God. No-one else is God. Yes, he is everywhere but that doesn't mean you're God.

Do not wake me at 5am with complicated scientific questions. I don't know the answer and I feel foolish, especially as I am 30 years older than you and should know. I'm sorry I don't know any answers to any of your questions.

Don't ask me, in a loud voice, complicated questions about the planets on the bus because I don't know the answer and I feel foolish.

Mooycow Tue 30-Apr-13 11:34:35

dont put the rubber bath toy "o" on your brothers willy ?
not all remote controls belong to you . sorry best mate
cream for your skin is not meant for the dog,
posting the house keys out of the letter box with the door locked is not funny.
slamming the door behind mummy is not funny especially as the keys are on the stairs, and now you refuse to post the keys thro the letter box?

LimburgseVlaai Tue 30-Apr-13 11:45:00

Please Please PLEASE let me do a poo in peace.

Flobbadobs Tue 30-Apr-13 11:49:09

For DH.
Look I can never remember ages. Not even my own half of the time and when you rock in -quietly I will admit- at 1am slightly squiffy when I have to be up at 6 and try and have a conversation with me I am not likely to be very articulate.
Therefore the new rule is to not get pouty at me when I think you are 40 next year. Yes I know it isn't till the year after but seriously, singing 'Flobba is a meany' in my ear is only going to get you an elbow in the stomach. And I would rather like to go back to sleep. Tell me about your night out in the morning.

For DD2 yes of course you can pat Daddy on the head to wake him up. Yes I know I usually move you but today is special and yes of course you can stick your finger in Daddy's ear grin

dabbler Tue 30-Apr-13 12:08:14

Rules for guests:
Don't piss in our mugs
Don't ask me to wipe your bottom (6 year old)
Don't make a drink out of coffee, olives and water and then be sick in the drains

frazmum Tue 30-Apr-13 12:11:47

What's with all the 'licking'.

Do not run around upstairs waggling your willy when your DD15 has her friend over who is an only child and doesn't have younger boy cousins so doesn't understand what boys do.

amazingmumof6 Tue 30-Apr-13 12:19:50

no playing with mummy's tampons in the bath.

no decorating the ceiling & walls of bathroom with wet tampons

no drawing the water level of the bathwater with mummy's fucking expensive and only lipstick

no painting the keyboard with Dulux paint samples

no covering the sofa with the contents of the biggest jar of Vaseline, and on each others clothes & hair, then denying it the face of being caught "red" handed.

not eating candles

NoKandoo Tue 30-Apr-13 12:23:35

Oh, Vaseline.

No smearing Vaseline around the entire insides of the car when your baby sister has just done one of those poos that explode out of the nappy.

No giving sanitary towels to a neighbour who wants to blow her nose.

No offering snot to strangers.

amazingmumof6 Tue 30-Apr-13 12:27:44

no drinking an entire glass of wine at the age of 2 then licking your lips, grinning (just coz Daddy looked away)

parents - never ever take your eyes off your children. never.
learn to sleep with your eyes open.

no hitting your baby sister with a brick

no using your baby brother's mouth as a piggy bank

no sneaking downstairs at 2am play on the Wii

no collecting banana peels, apple cores, empty yogurts pots, chocolate & pepperami wraps, all your school ties and half your PE kit under your bed.

and what's with the mountain of snotty tissues?

ProphetOfDoom Tue 30-Apr-13 12:32:31

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bogeyface Tue 30-Apr-13 12:33:26

Amazing if its a DS, then that aint snot...........

amazingmumof6 Tue 30-Apr-13 12:35:24

and one for school:

no money making schemes!
even if he begs you, you are still not allowed to bump your head on your friend's chin in the hope that his wobbly tooth fill fall out and that you share the money the tooth fairy brings him!

amazingmumof6 Tue 30-Apr-13 12:39:32

bogey face - it is snot.
if you mean wet dreams and the like DSs are not that age yet!! (grin)

Theselittlelightsofmine Tue 30-Apr-13 12:41:48

No covering yourself in sudocreme confused

Bogeyface Tue 30-Apr-13 12:45:44

Fair enough Amazing! But one day, it wont be snot....just sayin' grin

I have 6 too, my eldest is DS who is 22. I wont tell you any of his stories other than to say that shortly after his 13th birthday I realised that the bolts on his high sleeper needed tightening and it needed moving slightly further away from the wall shock

Thumbwitch Tue 30-Apr-13 12:51:40

Do not eat Daddy's wedding ring. It is not a steak, it looks nothing like a steak and if you wanted something to eat to pretend it was a steak like Alex the Lion in Madagascar then you should have asked instead of eating Daddy's wedding ring.

Voting this for Classics...

Turquoiseblue Tue 30-Apr-13 13:01:29

Don't taste the 'chocolate ' looking stuff on ye trampoline - it s birdpoo shock
Don't lick sinks

You must to remember to wipe your bottom every time you use the toilet. When the adults say to you, "Hurry up," it does not mean, "Hurry up and definitely don't bother wiping your bottom."

Yes, this rule still applies, even if your cousin is over playing and you'd rather be outside.

No dancing with M&Ms in your mouth.

Don't put your feet on the computer.

Blamenargles Tue 30-Apr-13 13:18:02

No DS your toys dont want to swim in your wee.
Mummy doesn't want to poo so you can look at it.
No I don't want to eat your bogeys and no they don't taste nice.
No I don't want to watch your willy dance
Please don't tell strangers mummy's willy fell off
(He's just been potty trained so obsessed with anything to do with willys and poo)
Don't flick daddy's willy in the shower he doesn't want to share his shower with you as it is

ProphetOfDoom Tue 30-Apr-13 13:28:04

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

towicymru Tue 30-Apr-13 13:51:34

Mummy's bra is not ear muffs
Willies are not air guitars and should not be pulled out and strummed (especially in front of visitors)
Do not have a competition to see who can stand the furthest away from the toilet when having a wee.
Do not ask in a loud voice why that man has a baby in his tummy
Please do not take photos of your willy on Dad's ipad as they are automaticaly uploaded and may appear as a screensaver on the TV
Please do not run into a room, pull your pants down, fart and shout "in your face" - I do not find it funny!
Just because we talked about how babies are made in the biological sense, you do not need to ask Grandma how it felt when Grandpa's willy was inside her blush

GroupieGirl Tue 30-Apr-13 13:55:38

I had to stop reading as I'm in the library and silent-laughter-making-the-table-shake is not much better than loud laughter!

But to add:
Please do not wake Daddy after a late shift by announcing very loudly "my poo is shaped like a dinosaur".

If you want to be Spider-Man that's fine, but I do not want to be Mary-Jane whilst you swing up-side-down and try to snog me at the park (3yo daughter, not daddy).

If you want to paint your face like Spider-Man that's also fine, but DEFINITELY DO NOT try to snog me. I don't like the taste of face-paint.

Please stop telling people that "Daddy steals Mummy's money" - it was two pounds. One time. For the bus.

ATJabberwocky Tue 30-Apr-13 13:58:59

The bathroom ceiling doesn't need decorating with used toilet paper

You need to move your skirt out the way before going to the toilet

Hiding all your rubbish under the bed doesn't count as tidying your room

Don't lick your plate and put it back in the cupboard

Don't eat over the computer, mummy isn't impressed when she cleans the crumbs out

Don't leave stray sandwiches behind the radiator.

I love this thread grin

LlamateurDramatics Tue 30-Apr-13 14:16:41

Brilliant thread!

Don't ask visitors if they want to see your poo, even if it is a funny shape, and when you've done said poo in a potty don't accompany your offer of a poo viewing by waving the potty under their nose...

Don't get your willy out in the middle of a crowded cafe

Don't use a breastfeed as an opportunity to stick your finger up my nose or in my belly button <shudders>

Don't ask your mother whether she's going for a poo and whether you can look at it after, again when there are visitors in the house.

Don't confuse expensive face cream with finger paints.

vladthedisorganised Tue 30-Apr-13 15:35:56

The floorboards are not a post box.
The floorboards are not DVD players either.
The floorboards are not a cash machine either. Alas, no money will come out if you put Mummy's credit card between them.
Do not repeat any of the words Mummy uses when she finds out you've been using the floorboards as a cash machine.
Do not repeat any of the words Daddy uses when he takes up the floorboards.
Do not choose this point to suggest 'Do you think there's a really big mouse down there?'

Drawing on the wall will not prevent a fire.
Do not throw mummy's glasses at her at 6 a.m. She knows where they are.
Antique dressers are not a suitable surface on which to practice writing.
I do not need a label with my name on stuck to me at all times.
For immediate attention before an epsiode of vomitting, "I am going to be sick" tends to work better than "I am going to feel sick".

OrWellyAnn Tue 30-Apr-13 16:44:09

Sticking your nose in between your sisters bum cheeks is not acceptable. Asking her to fart whilst you do so is just downright weird!

We don't lick dog's bum holes

wickeddevil Tue 30-Apr-13 17:50:19

Do not immac the cat

Don't decide to decorate your bedroom by spreading Vaseline everywhere, carpet, walls, yourself, etc, when mummy is out and daddy is expecting a quiet night in. (Came in to DP going quietly bonkers, trying to clean it up. We ended up having to repaint the bedroom, and iron the stuff out the carpet by using newspaper. Thanks, DS.)

No playing with power tools in bed shock

Oh, and I forgot this one.

Don't use a marker pen to decorate the bathroom an hour before potential buyers come to view. (I did manage to clean it, only just in time.)

The words that mummy and daddy sometimes use to describe other drivers are not to be repeated outside the car (this from DP).

Dryjuice25 Tue 30-Apr-13 18:31:03

Don't attempt to give yourself a hair cut.
Mum doesn't need to wipe your bum anymore, you're 5. And don't ever ask mummy to do this for you in front of our visitors!

JulieMumsnet (MNHQ) Tue 30-Apr-13 18:44:56


Thank you for the many reports about this thread. We've decided to move this to a new home. wink

cjbk1 Tue 30-Apr-13 18:45:29

you are not Bobby Sands

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie Tue 30-Apr-13 18:53:41

Oh cjbk1 I've spluttered tea at the inappropriate hilarity of your comment.


alienbanana Tue 30-Apr-13 18:54:23

Yay, classics grin

ineedtobreath Tue 30-Apr-13 19:25:42

Love this

Do not ride the dog
Do not give the your dinner because she is hungry she will get fed
Do not wee in the dogs water and then try and force her to drink it

Poo goes in the toilet/potty not on your bedroom floor walls bed nor is it for your cars to be driven in

Do not put your toys in the air vent or in the washing machine or dvd/vhs you will break it and won't be able to watch thomas

Oh and do not sit on kitchen side eating sugar even though its delicious.

ginhag Tue 30-Apr-13 19:33:29

Don't lick the pavement.

also, listen to this. It's BRILLIANT

springykitsch Tue 30-Apr-13 19:40:40

that freaked me out gin! [argh]

KatyDid02 Tue 30-Apr-13 19:42:06

Don't feed the guinea pig with his own poo, just because he chooses to eat it doesn't mean you have to pick it up and give it to him.

When taken to the market (normal town centre Saturday market) do not find the one children's toy stall that has a solitary inflatable "doll" and ask if you can buy it when your Mum has given you $2 and let you go to the stall for the first time on your own and force the embarrassed stall holder to call your Mum over to stop you buying it.

Bogeyface Tue 30-Apr-13 19:42:45

Just because we talked about how babies are made in the biological sense, you do not need to ask Grandma how it felt when Grandpa's willy was inside her

Read the whole thread and ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ this is my absolute favourite! grin

alienbanana Tue 30-Apr-13 19:43:10

Pants go UNDER trousers.

No eating Mummy's chocolate.

ginhag Tue 30-Apr-13 19:46:27

springy I think it's hilarious... 'There's no such thing as a metal frisbee'


wickeddevil Tue 30-Apr-13 19:51:19

I know you said you wanted a pink bedroom, but hand prints of mummy's lipstick are not a good look.

I am talking to you dear departed dog. Never ever, however much it smells of horse, do a wee on another child's coat....

KatyDid02 Tue 30-Apr-13 19:53:14

Even though we've probably all seen this a zillion times this thread reminded me of it.

My tampon is not a lollipop in a nice orange paper wrapper.

(I'm looking at you DN)

Don't moon the guests (DD)

stiffstink Tue 30-Apr-13 20:07:21

Do not grab the handles of your great grandmother's wheelchair then shake her.

tourdefrance Tue 30-Apr-13 20:26:53

Do not put grass in your ear.

The tube by the side of Mummy and Daddy's bed is not toothpaste!

amazingmumof6 Tue 30-Apr-13 20:34:28

do not eat slugs, worms and your own poo

do not pee on your brother's head

do not pee in a toy bucket and give it to your brother to drink

do not drink a bucket of pee

Willdoitinaminute Tue 30-Apr-13 20:35:09

Do not eat the dried raisins on the window ledge ,they're not raisins.

Thumbwitch Tue 30-Apr-13 20:39:34

I tried to turn on automatic captions for that David Shrigley video because I couldn't hear all of it over the background percussion, it was hilarious! And oh so wrong...

Yay for Classics! thanks MNHQ

Shaky Tue 30-Apr-13 20:40:09

Springy that's hilarious!


"And above all, don't eat scorpions"


Sunnywithshowers Tue 30-Apr-13 20:44:04

Do not, under any circumstances, wipe your bogies on Auntie Sunny's sleeve. It is not appreciated.

SugarMiceInTheRain Tue 30-Apr-13 20:56:23

Do not slide down the piano.

Poo is not a suitable medium for creating artwork on your bedroom walls & door, nor on your brother's bedroom walls and door for that matter.

A list of names for your genitalia does not constitute appropriate subject matter for your own mini musical.

Sanitary towels do not form part of your dressing up box.

Clothes come off before you go in the bath.And on a similar theme, my mop bucket is not a bath.

Yika Tue 30-Apr-13 21:07:32

Don't clean your teeth with the nail file.

Once the loo paper has gone in the loo, we don't take it out again.

Don't lick the airport mirror

<shudders at memory>

PandaNot Tue 30-Apr-13 21:18:33

Don't dress the cat as a princess complete with tutu and tiara. He might be a placid cat with you, not so much with us when we're trying to rescue him from said items.

Still18atheart Tue 30-Apr-13 21:23:12

Bath products are products to wash your body and hair with. Not part of your chemistry set

gsteward Tue 30-Apr-13 21:29:18

Don't post items from the freezer through the cat flap.

Still18atheart Tue 30-Apr-13 21:36:26

Don't get a knife cut up a poo because you wanted to see what it was like

headlesslambrini Tue 30-Apr-13 21:46:23

Don't talk back when we tell you that you are pushing the boundaries we do not mean the one between England and Scotland and neither the one between England or Wales and yes you are quite correct that this would be very difficult to do when you are only 11 DD.

pmgkt Tue 30-Apr-13 21:50:06

Not quite a house rule but don't kiss any signs when out, or any pictures of chocolate, or trees, or railings. Or anything

ginhag Tue 30-Apr-13 22:01:07

OY shakey. That wasn't springy THAT WAS ME <sulky pout>

xlatia Tue 30-Apr-13 22:10:09

don't stand on the biscuit tin!

repeated ad nauseam to DS (18 months) who's trying to reach selves further up hmm

xlatia Tue 30-Apr-13 22:13:21

*shelves, not selves!

i wouldn't mind him using the tin for spiritual purposes grin

Ginger4justice Tue 30-Apr-13 22:48:04

This thread is funny but I can't decide whether it's reassuring that I'm not the only one who's spent the day saying no to some completely random things or distressing because I have most of this to come. (DD's 2).

Favourites of the day: Don't stand on your scuttle bug to reach something. Every other time you do it, it goes horribly wrong (unless I get there quick enough).
Do not cry when mummy gives you something you have just asked for. It mummy feel like she is going insane.
Do not laugh at daddy while he wees. Even if it is the first time you've seen him do it (although mummy's secretly pleased because she's not had a wee in private for 2 years).

springykitsch Tue 30-Apr-13 22:53:13

oh, and I was quietly taking the credit, hoping I'd got away with it.

Nice to get a mention <feels sorry for self>

bigbutsrus1 Tue 30-Apr-13 22:54:09

Don't tell strangers "mummy has a big fat spotty botty"

Don't repeatedly ask when standing outside the bathroom door "are you doing a poo mummy"? When the carpet fitters are at the bottom of the stairs!

Don't eat dried up frogs, slow worms or slugs please.

Don't eat raisins that fall out your nappy

Don't pull my tampon string!!

Don't tell great gran she is next to die

olivertheoctopus Tue 30-Apr-13 23:04:11

No, you have not 'made ice cream' by placing a tissue into a bowl, adding two chopped up plums and some milk even if you did do a very neat job chopping the plums for a 4yo using a plastic knife

milkysmum Tue 30-Apr-13 23:05:10

NO cleaning the bathroom with my toothbrush- yes I know you were trying to be helpful but still! (God knows how many times this had been done before I caught her in the act!!!)

MarianForrester Tue 30-Apr-13 23:28:38

No swords on the table.

rainbowweaver Wed 01-May-13 03:05:18
Shaky Wed 01-May-13 07:14:07

Sorry Ginhag have these thanks

Shaky Wed 01-May-13 07:16:16

Do not hide a cup of milk in the cupboard, to be discovered 3 days later when it has transformed into outage cheese <boak>

Shaky Wed 01-May-13 07:17:24

* cottage cheese

Although outage cheese sounds just as grim grin

sarahbanshee Wed 01-May-13 07:29:00

Don't lick the window.

Don't lick the buggy wheels.

Don't lick the bus.

Don't lick the tube train.


MrsKwazii Wed 01-May-13 08:08:57

Knickers must be worn at the dining table
Do not comment on how big adults' bottoms are
You do not need to point out that some women have 'big boobies', they already know
Do not spread your bogies across your cheeks a la Adam Ant
Do not wee in Daddy's trainers

SquidgyMummy Wed 01-May-13 08:36:36

Do not pick your nose and then offer your index finger to mummy to remove the bogey

Squiglettsmummy2bx Wed 01-May-13 09:31:36

Don't dust the house using the toilet brush
The cheese grater doesn't live in your sisters dolls house
Don't put my sauce pans in the washing machine or the dustbin

AnonYonimousBird Wed 01-May-13 09:49:02

No bikes on the kitchen table. <stares at DH in particular>.

Do not suck hand rails ANYWHERE, especially in public places. <stares at DD 7)

MERLYPUSS Wed 01-May-13 10:03:37

Dont put crayons behind the radiator - they melt and look like shit.
Dont poke a stick up the dog's bum when he is trying to poo.
Dont take out the tissues, one by one, and snot on them all.
Dont eat frozen pizza.
Dont gargle trifle.

Theselittlelightsofmine Wed 01-May-13 10:14:47

Thought of another,

Do not post my mobile phone out the house via the letter box.
The letter box is for incoming items not outgoing.

FairyJen Wed 01-May-13 10:20:05

Don't sit on your brother
Don't poke your brother
Don't like me
Don't put crayons in your knickers so you have a winky
Don't moon passerby out the window
Don't dial last number in phone and spend 20mins telling your daddy's manager about your poo
Don't. Save poos to show daddy

Yes I am a nag but if you listened the first time I wouldn't have to repeat myself!

FairyJen Wed 01-May-13 10:20:49

* don't POKE me - she is allowed to like me

LadyBigtoes Wed 01-May-13 10:22:35

Lol at meadowhall - I say "what happens if you fight? That's right, we're going fabric shopping at John Lewis". Stops them pretty quick!

Also - don't try to find a way into your stomach via your bellybutton
Don't eat your sleeves
Don't cross your eyes so far you get a headache for the rest of the day
Don't stroke spiders
When I let you use the garden hose on pain of not squirting the neighbours, don't squirt the blardy neighbours!

And for DP - don't use up everything out of a food container then put the EMPTY FUCKING CONTAINER BACK IN THE CUPBOARD!

FairyJen Wed 01-May-13 10:22:51

Oh and do NOT shut me out the house again when I'm putting the rubbish out and only open the door once the fire brigade has turned up to break the door down!

Whirliwig72 Wed 01-May-13 10:27:30

Don't lick the butter!

Apples, oranges and bananas do not belong in the washing machine!

FairyJen Wed 01-May-13 10:36:19

Stop looking at my chest and asking why I don't have boobies, there just small ok! It's givin me a complex sad

Toomuchtea Wed 01-May-13 10:44:47

Do not point at the estate agent, laugh uproariously, and say "What's that?"
On second thoughts....

When I say do not wipe your nose on your sleeve, it is not ok to use someone else's.

The railway does not want to hear you discussing (loudly) what is a good place to play with your willy.

Toomuchtea Wed 01-May-13 10:45:51

The railway carriage, that should be.

yogaforcats Wed 01-May-13 10:54:34

Yoghurt is not paint.
Paint is not yoghurt.
Sudocreme is not paint OR yoghurt.

DewDr0p Wed 01-May-13 11:22:50

Vaseline is not a hair product.
The microwave is not Lego minifigure storage.
Neither is the washing machine.
Willys are not bath toys.
Don't shout "Daddy your willy is enormous" in leisure centre changing rooms.
Don't shout "Mummy your bottom is massive" in leisure centre changing rooms either.
Don't wipe your nose on your sleeve.
Don't wipe your nose on my sleeve.
Don't lick handrails on the Tube.
Potatoes do not live in the freezer.
My house keys do not live under your bed behind all the crap

Samu2 Wed 01-May-13 11:34:02

Do not accidentally pee on the floor and use the socks you are wearing to wipe it up with shock

And a new one, made this morning:

Your skirts for school are not "too long". There is no such thing as a miniskirt for 7 year-olds.

Kahlua4me Wed 01-May-13 11:48:59

For little dc.
Do not bounce on the indoor little trampoline whilst it is still in the under stairs cupboard.

For big dc
Do not attempt to jump onto the outdoor trampoline from the top of the climbing frame, going over the safety net.

FrustratedSycamoresRocks Wed 01-May-13 11:56:10

yoghurt is not suitable for styling the dogs fur. He does not need a Mohican on the top of his head, he looks silly.

GrumpyOldHorsewoman Wed 01-May-13 12:01:14

Sudocrem is not a decorative material.
Ink stampers are only for decoration on paper, not stripped pine doors.
A bowl of spaghetti bolognese should not be eaten in one mouthful.
"Your breath smells" is not a defence when someone is telling you off.
Nobody is interested in what Justin Bieber was doing today, yesterday or ever.

ProudAS Wed 01-May-13 12:04:42

Don't call your auntie "Poo"

Cat food is for cats!

Toys and toothbrushes do not belong down the loo!
The plumbers bill will be deducted from your pocket money (when you start getting it).

GrumpyOldHorsewoman Wed 01-May-13 12:05:27

One last one - You may only eat breadcrumbs off a cooked chicken kiev, not a raw one.

Knickers on when we have guests in the house. Your OWN knickers that is

Bits/bums/boobies/willies are private and should not be shared with the general public.

Knickers on when we go out of the house please. Yes, even if you are wearing a skirt.

The lady at the co-op checkout doesn't need to know how babies come out.

Don't empty out my purse trying to find things to play 'shops' with. It took me 3 days to work out where my debit card was.

Don't fill daddy's shoes with grapes. Grapes are for eating.

Don't slide down the stairs headfirst on your tummy. Poor Daddy nearly expired when he saw you do this

Is it really necessary to hide behind the front door curtain and scare Daddy first thing in the morning?

Compost is NOT an acceptable alternative for coffee.

HolidayArmadillo Wed 01-May-13 12:08:15

Don't kiss the car.

Poledra Wed 01-May-13 12:09:41

If you draw all over yourself (and I mean all over yourself) with felt-tip pens, you are not allowed to complain when Mummy uses the wire brush and Dettol to clean you off before you are seen in public.

And another one-

The ONLY thing that goes in the outside drain is water. Not stones, not pegs, not sticks.

And then when the drain men turn up and charge £90 to unblock the thing, dont stand there and tell them that you put stones in the drain because the drain was hungry.

If you are trying to help make lunch by washing the potatoes - don't use soap!

woollyjo Wed 01-May-13 13:07:05

Don't put lipgloss in your belly button

Don't lick stuff or people (they are 3 & 6 ffs)

ElizaDoLots Wed 01-May-13 13:07:35

Don't use the touch screen tablet after picking your nose without washing your hands first

Take your old pants off before putting your old pants on top

Don't drink stagnant water out of the watering can in the garden

Don't keep inviting people to admire the size of your poo - it is not a reflection of your worth as a person

AngryGnome Wed 01-May-13 13:10:21

Do not feed your lasagna to the fish
Do not try to cuddle the fish
Do not try to climb into the fish tank - the fish is not lonely and does not need to play with you

ElizaDoLots Wed 01-May-13 13:10:33

whoops 'Take your old pants off before putting your 'new' pants on'

TimrousBeastie Wed 01-May-13 13:33:42

don't shout daddy you have a penis in the changing room at the swimming pool.

if you do happen to see something you shouldn't in a changing room, please,please please don't tell everyone you meet about your papa's hairy penis.

don't include "mummys friends came round and they drank wine" in your school diary.

dreamies are for cats, not humans.

please don't ask why that man has to go into the wee room at the chemists to get his medicine.

no one wants to see your weiner and I especially don't want you to rub it on my arm!

themidwife Wed 01-May-13 13:48:13

Don't write in your school journal that every weekend you cycle on your own 2 miles to McDonalds for burgers & fries aged 6 when we have told school we are vegetarians!

VictorianDaddy Wed 01-May-13 13:57:18

If you insist that you, and only you, are allowed to use the hoover, you will be invited to go running with Daddy.

If you accept an invitation to go running with Daddy, do not run straight to the Co-op. Daddy does not do his running in the Co-op.

Do not attempt to buy up the Co-op when Daddy has already explained that he doesn't have any pennies.

Do not look accusingly at Daddy when you find you don't have any pennies in your pockets. You are 2. You are not supposed to carry money.

DannyUK Wed 01-May-13 14:01:16

"cupping" is NOT an adequate alternative to underwear, especially when we have guests in the house.

hawkeye21 Wed 01-May-13 14:39:40

When in public, don’t say loudly ‘That’s not very nice. You hit me’ when I didn’t (and don’t ever)
Don’t insist on a second yoghurt, then only eat one tiny mouthful before declaring that you are full
Don’t eat Vaseline
Don’t help me by carrying a full potty. I appreciate the intentions, but you are actually making more work for me
Teddy does not need THAT much Sudocrem when you are giving him a nappy change
Do not hang up the phone when I am talking to someone on it
Do not shove Play Doh down my neck or in my pockets
The bar of chocolate hidden in my bag is mine and I need it more than you do

absentmindeddooooodles Wed 01-May-13 14:53:53

Don't pull my top down and show then general public 'mummy's tiny boobies'
Don't try to ride the dog. She is not a horse.
Neither is the cat
Don't try to climb in the fish tank. You cannot repeat not swim in there
No ham sandwiches in the DVD player. Even if you are trying to send it to Thomas on the telly.
Do not use permanent marker to decorate the walks,telly,fridge, cat and your face.
Do not use permanent marker to draw a moustache and beard on your face, you are two years old and its not a good look!
Don't try to post pennies in the cats bum. She is not a money box.
Neither is the dog. not ever wake me up by taking all of your clothes and nappy off and sitting on my head. Mummy does not appreciate your willy anywhere near her eye. Especially at 5am.
Yes you are cute, but not everyone appreciates seeing your 'sexy bum bum' being paraded around ttescos.
Please stop calling random strangers daddy.
Please stop pointing at random strangers bums and shouting poo poo. Mummy gets some very dissaproving looks.
Your tractors, cars, food, and socks do not belong in mummy's drink. Neither do the fish. Especially if it is a glass of wine grin

MarianForrester Wed 01-May-13 17:36:54

Do not shout "Ladies love willies!" very loudly in toilet adjacent to tearoom in Botanic Gardens.

Or anywhere, really, actually, now that I think about it...

FairyJen Wed 01-May-13 17:40:22

Fresh from today...

Don't tell everyone at school nanny is going to die. She said diet not die. She is losing weight not her life!!!!!

I had condolences off several people thanks to you ear wigging!

expansivegirth Wed 01-May-13 19:12:12

Maybe don't tell people that your favourite bit of mummy is her moustache...

HamletsSister Wed 01-May-13 19:58:56

Don't tell Daddy, after we have been doing Christmas shopping, that we have bought him a "secret radio".

Daddy is not a horse. If you are in a rucksack on his back, beating him on his bald spot will not make him go faster.

If a bald man comes to the house, don't tell him that his barber, "Snipped and snipped and snipped until there was none left".

Not all stepmothers are wicked. Mine isn't and please don't tell her I taught you that she was.

And since they became teenagers.....

Don't buy more and more clothes and use them as a way of totally concealing your carpet.

Clothes from Hollister and SuperDry might be lovely, are certainly expensive but don't call them "designer" to justify your extravagance.

Sokmonsta Wed 01-May-13 21:38:05

Ds1(3) - ds2(1) is not a horse and you cannot ride him.

Ds1 - the remote control does not belong in the fish tank.

Ds1 - toys should not be washed in the fish tank.

Dd1 (5) and ds1 - fish food is not shake and vac.

Dd1 - sudocrem is not the same as windolene.

Blipbip Wed 01-May-13 21:39:15

Just because it fits in your nose does not mean that it is meant to be in your nose...

Take your tongue out of your nose

openerofjars Wed 01-May-13 22:04:42

Do not yell "wet tshirts!" repeatedly in Tesco. You are 4yo and have shit all idea of the connotations but every other shopper will think you do and look at me like I'm a monster who lets you watch filth on the tv.

Do not eat everything. You do not have pica.

Do not put your fingers up grandma's nose.

Don't hump the non-slip mat in the bath. Weirdo.

In fact, do stop humping things full stop.

Stop mooning the window cleaner.

The next time (and every subsequent time) that Gropey Snogging Couple start up again right outside the living room window, anyone in the house is to line up like the Von Trapps and do a beautifully choreographed dance routine or similar, until GSC find somewhere else to smooch.

EATmum Thu 02-May-13 00:04:49

Don't belly dance in the Museum of Modern Art.
Don't play with a filled water balloon while on the loo.
Don't tell the man with moobs that he is supposed to have a willy not boobies.

Do not 'help' old ladies up the stairs by walking behind them, grabbing their bottoms and pushing them.

Do not tell everybody you live on a farm and be so consistent in your story telling that even your nursery teachers believe you.

Do worry about that the jewellers are stealing mummy's watch when she leaves it there for a new battery. There is no need to stage a sit-in protest in the shop doorway, screaming that your mummy wants her watch back.

Don't put your father's mobile phone in the nappy wrapper bin, twist it shut and not tell anybody. (only mummy's genius light bulb moment of inspiration saved it from being put out for the dustman)

HellesBelles396 Thu 02-May-13 07:00:25

When you are having a poo, do not open the bathroom door to see who's at the door - they don't want to see a pooing 12yo.

Similarly, there must be some other time we could have all those important conversations. I will not sit in he bathroom to chat with you and sitting outside the door isn't the best fun either.

not at 5.30am either.

I am a 35yo woman, privacy in my own bedroom should be a basic human right.

you don't need to talk about mummy's smelly poos in public. they might be funny to a 12yo boy but to a 35yo woman, they're private

granny does not need to know how often we have takeaway, how rarely I iron or every conversation I have with anyone ever. even though she's interested.

my odd socks are not suitable for you to wear for school.

Fiderer Thu 02-May-13 08:18:00

Do not walk around watching Hanna Montana videos on my laptop and walk into a door and drop and break my laptop.

Do not use superglue while making your 900th origami creation because you cannot find the bright red stick of glue on the kitchen table because the kitchen table is covered with another 400 origami creations and then with supergluey fingers touch the screen of my Kindle Fire on which you have been watching Hanna Montana videos since the death of my laptop.

<wonders if it had been Doctor Who videos my blood pressure might not be as high>

<lies down>

Pinkyorkbunny Thu 02-May-13 09:37:20

Never say in earshot of your DCs "this room is not big enough to swing a cat in"

I was only 3 at the time, poor kitten

Still18atheart Thu 02-May-13 09:57:58

Loo roll is only to be usedfor toilet situations. Nothing else

Don't break dads decanter with the whiskey still in and glasses, then blame it on the dog. Saying that he had seen a rabbit, gone berserk and ran into the table as he was so excited

VictorianDaddy Fri 03-May-13 11:52:58

Do not lower the toilet seat when Daddy is mid-wee.

It is mummy who likes to do pelvic floor exercises.

SexyDragonStarlet Fri 03-May-13 13:28:27

Don't put the smallest piece of Lego you can find up your nose and necessitate a trip to A&E
Don't ask me to smell your poo's everytime you do one to see if it's stinkier than the last.
Even if DD is potty training I do not need photos of poos in her potty sent to me when I am out and about (looking at you Mother!)
Don't keep putting your hand down my cleavage!

sandy1969 Fri 03-May-13 13:59:58

If you are a girl, you do not wee like a boy does, standing over the toilet.

Brams Fri 03-May-13 14:09:39

Standing up poo! grin Bending over sister too! Poor girl. grin Utterly brilliant!

cressetmama Fri 03-May-13 14:25:59

Do not fire BB guns at screens; that means not at the TV, nor mum's laptop.

Brams Fri 03-May-13 14:31:27

Oh dear, oh dear, I am laughing so much it hurts and both cats have left the house in terror at snorts, honks and squawks.

We had sanitary pads with wings used to "decorate" windows, which was retrievable, but I hadn't noticed the one on the tv screen until too late as I showed visitor into living room. blush

Classic please!

StealthOfficialCrispTester Fri 03-May-13 14:31:31

Do not flash at the police!

KurriKurri Fri 03-May-13 14:43:51

For my dog

If I choke on a hob nob, do not rush over to me like a bat out of hell and bark hysterically in my face.This is not a recognised first aid procedure.
Learn the Heimlich manoeuvre or leave me alone.

Do not stick your sisters wand up the end of your penis then stand there swinging it back and forth like some sort of bad taste pendulum.

He is 5 and the penis obsession shows no signs if ending!

oh and Wee duels are not fun! Why they both decide they need to wee at the same time, with DD sitting down and DS standing up, screaming at each other that " MY WEE DEFEATED YOUR WEE"

DeepRedBetty Fri 03-May-13 14:47:05

Don't put peas up your nose.

Wynrush Fri 03-May-13 20:15:51

Poos are limited to 1 per person when we are getting ready for school/work in the morning. This enables mum to be able to get in the bathroom and actually get washed!

amazingmumof6 Fri 03-May-13 20:37:12

no need to tell me to not eat your willy, I wasn't planning to do so anyway...

do not look at people and say "fat" (even if that is one of the only 5 words you can say at the age of 28 months)

do not put your hands in my top and pull it down to reveal my bra - especially in church.

do not force my eyelids apart in the morning followed by a cheery "Mummy, you are awake!" (actually that is rather sweet...)

amazingmumof6 Fri 03-May-13 20:38:57

do not repeat any swear words, ever.

amazingmumof6 Fri 03-May-13 20:44:30

do not clean the toilet bowl with my tooth brush

sexydragon "Don't ask me to smell your poo's everytime you do one to see if it's stinkier than the last."

can I top this?

do not try to smell your sister's poo every time and then check the texture with your finger when I look away!
and if you menage, do not wipe it on my pillow!

orangeandemons Fri 03-May-13 21:07:02

To dd then age 2.

Please make sure you urinate before trying on Mummy's brand new unworn shoes.

Theyoniwayisnorthwards Fri 03-May-13 21:15:56

Do not lick the seat on the tube
Do not put stickers on your baby brother's head
Do not tell the lady in the que behind us that Mummy does her poo in the toilet

PipkinsPal Fri 03-May-13 21:22:54

So glad I read some of these. Now I know that it is normal for children to lick cars and metal poles that hold up canopies in shopping centres and stick fingers up cat's bums etc because my 2 year old niece does this too.

No sitting on your sister's imaginary dog

Do not eat fox poo

Do not keep telling your little sister that you have let her imaginary dog off the lead and now he has run away!

Zigster Fri 03-May-13 22:56:58

Rule 1) When you are first in the bath and your brother is next, do not wee in the bath.
Rule 2) Rule 1 still applies when you have got out of the bath and your brother has got in.

samsonthecat Fri 03-May-13 23:46:42

Do not try to put rasins in your 3 week old sisters mouth. Saying "she was hungry" does not make it any better.
Do not tip juice from your cup on the same sister.
Sudocrem is not sun cream or carpet shampoo.

themidwife Sat 04-May-13 00:01:21

Crying here!! grin

amazingmumof6 Sat 04-May-13 00:43:18

do not use your baby brother's face as a colouring book - purple metallic felt tip pen does not look good on his eye lids.
nor does green on his hair, blue on his lips or pink in his ears.

do not take your grobag, sleepsuit and nappy off in the middle of night then pee yourself.
do not wake me up shrieking at 3 am, because you woke up freezing cold from being naked and wet. (waking me up is ok, shrieking is not)

do not flood the upstairs bathroom in Grandma's house on Boxing Day causing all things electric to short circuit in the kitchen.
indoor rain is not "wow"

amazingmumof6 Sat 04-May-13 00:47:50

do not try to hang yourself as a joke to scare the girl next door.

when she is hysterical and runs to tell that you jumped into a hole from a tree with a rope around your neck and miscalculated the distance and very nearly killed yourself - do not celebrate.

the fact that you nearly died is not equal to "mission accomplished", no matter how white her face went.

(true story, happened 30 years ago. utter idiots!)

amazingmumof6 Sat 04-May-13 01:52:20

do not eat your uncle's biggest goldfish

do not release all the rest of the goldfish back to the sea by flushing them down the toilet

do not dress the dog in your pyjamas

do not cut off your eyelashes

do not brush your teeth with soap to spite your family

do not play with grandma's false teeth. do not hide them either

do not run through a glass door because you are having a tantrum

do not cook unbroken eggs in the microwave oven - experiments like this will not make you a scientist

no shaking up unopened cans & bottles of fizzy drinks - not at home, not in the shops, not anywhere

boys - do not try on my bras. just no!

amazingmumof6 Sat 04-May-13 02:04:54

do not clean DVDs with CIF

no arranging baby's fingers so it looks like s/he's giving the finger.

no taking pictures this arrangement either or of your poo, saliva, snot or doing a wee.

no getting the dog drunk

there's no such thing as a Barbie autopsy

Homebird8 Sat 04-May-13 02:12:24

Do not launch yourself at the whirly washing line pole from a chair playing fireman's pole. Garrotting yourself is not the look of the season. nasty red lines across throat after being lifted down

Do not swallow ball bearings even if they do look like silver peas.

Do not throw away one of my shoes causing me to spend weeks looking again and again behind the sofa.

Do not colour in your privates with my favourite lippy.

Do not chop a whole melon aged 4 with the biggest knife you can find whilst it's rolling around on the counter top.

Do not tell your grandparents with great excitement about the dairy, leading them to believe you want to see the cows, and leaving them nonplussed to find themselves cajoled into buying ice cream in a NZ corner shop.

Morning biscuit crumbs are welcome with your grandparents in their bed but I do not want them in mine. -- the crumbs not the grandparents-- Actually both!

lottytheladybird Sat 04-May-13 14:14:24

Do not put your hand in between my legs and help me wipe, mid pee. I do not need help from a 2 year old, you will get a wet hand and it doesn't speed things up! Let me pee in peace!!!

Sparklymommy Sat 04-May-13 21:30:48

Hiariois thread! Have read the whole thing!

My own:
Do not put stickers in your ear resulting in 2 trips to hospital to have it removed.
Do not put beads in your ears. Or up your nose.
Do not put peas up your nose.

Do not throw mummy's phone over the fence onto the train line.

Do not wear character shoes to preschool.

Stop walking around the house in my best high heels. You'll break your neck. Or worse; my shoes!

Stop giving your 5yo brother a makeover. Yes he does look pretty but he enjoys it far too much!

Sunnywithshowers Sat 04-May-13 21:48:06

Do not play golf with dried dog poo in the garden. Our NDN do not like it.

[Message to me and DSis about 30 years ago grin]

HellesBelles396 Sat 04-May-13 22:28:38

do not open the dettol.

do not pour dettol on your baby brother.

do not drink the dettol.

do not let the dog out onto the main road.

do not light a gas burner under a plastic teapot to make a cuppa.

you do not need to empty your brother's colostomy bag. in the middle of the night. all over mummy and daddy's room.

when asked to find something round, do not suggest my (not pregnant) friend's tummy. or her breasts.

do not ask your teacher if she's been decorating (she's going grey).

do not practice being a tightrope walker on the landing banister.

do not hang out of the window to paint the house. do not paint the house with talcum powder mixed with water.

Shaky Sat 04-May-13 23:12:50

You are NOT the fecking Andrex puppy

Shaky Sat 04-May-13 23:14:11

You are NOT Buzz !ightyear
No, you cannot fly

springykitsch Sun 05-May-13 00:33:03

not can Buzz, it transpired

springykitsch Sun 05-May-13 00:34:06

NOR ffs

kill a joke stone dead why don't you <sheesh>

Shaky Sun 05-May-13 07:55:21

grin Springy

Essiebee Sun 05-May-13 10:33:36

Do not put your pet ferret in your rucksack, take it to school and leave in the cloakroom.

CouthySaysEatChoccyEggs Sun 05-May-13 12:15:24

New one especially for DS3 (2y3mo).

Don't wash your hair with your juice. NO, it does NOT make your hair 'ceeeen'. It makes it very far from clean, and means that I DO actually have to wash your hair at 9am after being stuck to the toilet all night with a bowl in my hands...

WireCatWhore Sun 05-May-13 14:07:26

No we don't make it rain in the house.

We keep willys in our pants.

Sunnywithshowers Sun 05-May-13 14:37:25

Do not stand on a chair and do a wee out of the letterbox.

The neighbours do not want you to wee on the shared walkway, nor see you willy.

JollyOrangeGiant Sun 05-May-13 18:18:13

Sunny, my DH points out that it's better that way than standing on a chair weeing INTO the letterbox!

Catypillar Sun 05-May-13 20:27:29

It is nice to play games involving imaginary mice, but when Mummy and Daddy really really want to get the house sold and a nice surveyor has come round to look at it so he can tell they buyers its not going to fall down any time soon and we have no mouse infestation, please don't tell him "oh look, mouse ran under couch" or point under the kitchen cupboard and say "big mouse nest in there. Really big. With little mouse babies."

Bogeyface Sun 05-May-13 20:59:17

As they say....better inside pissing out than outside pissing in!

zeebaneighba Mon 06-May-13 03:18:25

Been thinking in terms of house rules all weekend thanks to this thread!

Don't reuse your father's tissues.

Don't ride your bike at the baby.

Don't ride your bike at the baby saying "excuse legs" - she doesn't understand.

Don't expect 2yr old to understand baby not understanding "excuse legs".

Don't put the playpen outside in the shed - it'll be raining when you need it.

ChelseaKnows1 Mon 06-May-13 07:19:07

For DD
Don't leave tiny figures/toys on the floor.

Don't ask random people to pick your nose.

For DD & DP
Underwear/Dirty washing needs to be picked up by the person who dumps it on the floor.

To neighbours
I am not a baby sitter and will require money if you want me to become one.

TooExtraImmatureCheddar Mon 06-May-13 08:47:27

The dishwasher is not a climbing frame. If you swing on the top tray it will break.

The fire guard is not a climbing frame either. You are only 14 months and I like your neck unbroken, thanks.

Stop tipping the dog's water bowl over! I have to let him drink out of it sometimes or he will get dehydrated.

CouthySaysEatChoccyEggs Tue 07-May-13 22:20:24

Further to the earlier rule of Do NOT wash your hair with juice...

Do not 'ceeen' MUMMY'S freshly washed hair with your juice.

Do NOT 'ceeen' the table with juice. It does not make the table clean, it makes it sticky.

Do NOT squirt your fruit squeezer up your trouser legs. Just DON'T!

And don't then squirt your fruit squeezer in your ear. Or your nose.


CouthySaysEatChoccyEggs Tue 07-May-13 22:22:36

Also :

Do not pull Mummy towards you for a kiss by her hair. While you might be saying 'aaaaah' because you like kisses, Mummy is saying 'aaaaah' rather louder because it friffing HURTS!!

Shaky Tue 07-May-13 22:23:27

Do NOT stand on snails to make them into slugs sad

idonthaveone Tue 07-May-13 22:33:24

Don't swallow the ball bearing so we ALL have to go to the hospital you will beep when the nurse puts the wand on your tummy

MrsPoglesWood Tue 07-May-13 22:47:47

Do not take my lovely Lakeland flour sieve round to your mate's to fish the insects out of the hot tub because he forgot to put the cover on overnight. It is not his hot tub. It belongs to his parents. The party is up to him and them. I don't care if your girlfriend doesn't like insects in the hot tub. Please pay for your own insect removal implements.

Shaky Tue 07-May-13 22:48:55

Do NOT put peas up your nose, you are supposed to eat them, not snort them

Zipitydooda Tue 07-May-13 23:10:06

Don't store lego people in the fridge ice dispenser; people don't like them in their drinks

Don't try to tickle your baby brother's willy with your toes whilst in the bath

Don't wipe your snot on the wallpaper

Don't 'accidentally' shoot our neighbour with the hose spray.

Shaky Tue 07-May-13 23:45:43

ARF at Lego people ice cubes, I would love that! ( as long as they have not previously been inserted into child"s nose)

Bogeyface Wed 08-May-13 01:26:21

Note to self: Do not allow your mother to retire to spend time with your father who retired early due to health issues. It was only spending time apart that stopped them killing each other.

mrssprout Wed 08-May-13 02:50:59

Oh the memories .......
Beads do not go in your ear....or your nose
Poo does not belong in the holes in the duplo bricks.......or on the window, carpet, bed, walls, your hair, your face or body
You do not need to cry when I am trying to wash the poo off you at 5am...I need to cry !

Yesterday's new one .... we don't put potatoes in the toilet <sigh>

CouthySaysEatChoccyEggs Wed 08-May-13 18:16:37

Another new one : Do NOT attempt to eat your fruit squeezer through your eyeball. It will hurt. And do not act as if I am to blame for your eye being sore when you tried to eat your fruit squeezer through it.

this thread is hysterical grin but also quite frightening! the future does not look good for the dog....confused

CouthySaysEatChoccyEggs Fri 10-May-13 00:35:03

Yet another new one :

Don't roll over to lick the sofa whilst you are having your nappy changed. In fact, don't lick the sofa at all.

He is 2y3mo, not 6mo!

amazingmumof6 Mon 13-May-13 18:57:36

teamakesit or sausages. especially at the age of 6 - just WTF????

and a minor one - please don't start planning your birthday party the day after your birthday, I really don't want to hear how you and your friends are thinking of going camping on your own for a weekend just before Christmas - you will be only 7 and I just can't keep telling you for the next 364 days why it is not going to happen.

scarecrow22 Tue 14-May-13 19:22:40

for toddler

kind as you are please do not feed frozen peas to you 2 week old brother

it's nice to want to help those in need. but do not offer the charity shop your baby brother to sell

for my MiL

children who wear nappies are not mature enough to decide they do not want their nappy changed for six hours. Especially when they have pooed nit just once but twice.

if you undermine my parenting by getting a child out of bed before 6am it I'd not acceptable to allow come into my room

NotAnotherPackedLunch Sat 18-May-13 19:13:49

Don't do the splits with no pants on. We don't want to see it all.

Doughnutmaestro Mon 20-May-13 20:55:12

Don't push your willy all the way inside
Don't pull your willy by the foreskin as far as you can
Both make daddy want to cry
Don't sit on the toilet for ages not doing anything then stand and pee in the bath within seconds of getting off!

Bogeyface Mon 20-May-13 21:57:18

Please do not look at the pictures in tesco and then shriek "NOOO!!!!! NO PEPPA!!!!" when I am putting a chicken in the trolley.

Its not Peppa ok? We dont eat Peppa in our house, and even if we did, just dont!

And anyway, Peppa looks nothing like a sillouhette of a pig that you get on pork products, so dont freak me out please!

amazingmumof6 Tue 21-May-13 12:15:31

we do not wash disposable nappies.

do not sneak orange crayons in the tumble dryer. ever. definitely not with white clothes in it.

amazingmumof6 Tue 21-May-13 13:16:17

seriously, never ever ever wash a didposaple nappy! EVER!

I have had to re-wash entire load, but everything is still cover with nappy fibres. on verge of sad just hoping tumble dryer will get rid of "bearding"

Bogeyface Tue 21-May-13 14:00:00

I did that once amazing I think its a right of passage, we all have to do it at least once in our parenting career grin

Runningonempty222 Tue 21-May-13 18:56:08

You do not need to strip naked to do a pooh everytime and when I point this out (when you are aged 8) and you reply that everyone is unique please don't be offended by my laughter!

amazingmumof6 Tue 21-May-13 21:08:55

bogeyface I'm happy to report that t dryer sorted it. phew

Bogeyface Tue 21-May-13 22:55:29

Running I am sure there was an MNer who found out that her DH stripped naked to do a pooh! She was taken aback and he thought everyone did it!

springymater Wed 22-May-13 01:57:30

He thought everyone did it HAHAHAHAHA

FutureNannyOgg Wed 29-May-13 12:18:41

Your head is not a weapon.

FutureNannyOgg Wed 29-May-13 19:27:17

Do not lick my nose while I am telling you off.

kweggie Wed 02-Apr-14 23:03:16

Don't dig up the dead hamster to show your friend. Don't let him put it down the front of his fleece. Don't nod and smile when he shows his mum when she comes to collect him.

VivienScott Thu 03-Apr-14 08:58:35

Do not see how far you can push your leg through the railings until they get stuck then leave telling me until it's so swollen I need the fire brigade to cut you free.

DP do not put cardboard on the open fire, it's how chimney fires start. Oh there's a chimney fire, like I said there would be, I'll call the fire brigade. Do not ignore what both the firemen and I say and put cardboard on the fire again starting another chimney fire in less than 2 weeks and decide to take the kids to safety at your mothers aka hide from the firemen who WILL tell you off because I do not wish to be on first name terms with the local fire brigade, it is not 'cool' that they wave at me when they pass in their truck and I do not feel like I'm being accepting into the community because if it. I feel like a prat who has the fire brigade round all the time.

DS don't feed the dog your poo, don't let the dog sniff your bottom as you are pooing, do not yell at anyone flushing the toilet because you want the world biggest wee, stop trying to put tampons up your bottom, don't take thd dead mice the cat brings in into school for show and tell, especially if it's only half a mouse with it's guts hanging out, the mess in the book bag was horrendous.

drivenfromdistraction Thu 03-Apr-14 09:19:34

Do not try and redecorate your bedroom carpet and wallpaper using the oil paints from your big brother's modelling kit. And if you do, don't call me to help when it doesn't turn out how you expected. But if you do, don't be surprised and hurt when I tell you off and take the paint away instead of joining in the splodgy fun.

Don't draw bottoms all over the wrapping paper for Granny's present. No, they don't look like hearts. Yes, she will know they are bottoms. No, I don't think Granny likes bottoms on her present.

Telling your younger siblings to do something that you know is wrong isn't a cunning wheeze to stay out of trouble yourself. I heard you say it and your look of outraged innocence won't save you. Neither will saying cheeky/naughty/rude things in a high-pitched voice and blaming it on your cuddly toy. I know it is you, I can see and hear you. Because I can.

Beastofburden Thu 03-Apr-14 09:33:55

Do not barricade yourself into your bedroom during quiet time at the top of the house, and then announce you are climbing out of the window. Likewise, do not lock yourself in your grandmother's upstairs loo with the big oldfashioned key that gets stuck easily.

No, you will not get a real live fireman in uniform with a shiny hat and a big hose and a ladder. The fire service has special middleaged lady firemen who rescue stuck children and are Very Stern with them.

Beastofburden Thu 03-Apr-14 09:37:56

If mummy pops into the garden to fetch some herbs, it is not a good thing to turn the security lock at the bottom of the kitchen door so she cant get back in. This is especially important if daddy is at work and there is something boiling on the stove.

When you are in sixth form, do not go into the garden in your pyjamas when Mummy is out for the day, letting the door swing shut behind you. You will find that although it is almost possible to break back ito the house through the catflap, using a bamboo stick to hook the keys to the back door, it isn't quite. Because of the security lock at the bottom.

Pots of gooey stuff on mummy's dressing table are not finger paints, nor is the carpet a blank canvas.

There is no such thing as a willy dance. No, I don't want to see you do a 'helicopter' with it. Put it AWAY!

Mummy is not a climbing frame.

Stop licking the car.

No flicking snot around inside the car.

Daddy does not want you to watch him wee - he has moved to one side and then the other, to stop you peering round him to watch him wee. It is a really bad idea to pop up between his legs, to see him weeing - you will get a wet head before you see anything.

I know you are learning to crawl, and to pull yourself to standing, but if you try to pull yourself to standing using the potty, please don't do so when it is full, and when mummy has just changed you and got you dressed.

Don't eat tortilla chips from the bin. OK - you can eat them, but only because mummy is so stressed out at you tantrumming that she will let you eat the tortilla chips from the bin in preference to starting another tantrum!!