Yoni (Vaginal) Massage

(1000 Posts)
HullDad Wed 10-Apr-13 20:56:57

I'm looking for some feedback.

As it may be a bit personal if members know who other members are, you may prefer to reply privately rather than on the thread.

I enjoy giving and receiving massage. I've given massage to many ladies and recently read about Yoni massage. I mentioned it to my wife and she was interested in trying one. I gave her a full body massage first for around an hour followed by the Yoni massage. As a result, she found her orgasm was more powerful than normal. I've also given a good friend a Yoni massage and again, her orgasm was very powerful.

I would like to ask the ladies on here:-
1 - If you've had a normal massage, would you consider a Yoni massage?
2 - If you've had a Yoni massage, was it by someone you knew or a stranger?
3 - Did you feel able to fully relax?
4 - Did you have a more powerful orgasm from the Yoni massage?

Thank you for your feedback.

If you are interested in finding out more, let me know too.
Also, if you would like to try a Yoni massage (and live within about 50 miles of Hull), let me know too.
( I'm happy for your partner or friend to be there while I give the massage if you prefer. )

CajaDeLaMemoria Wed 10-Apr-13 20:58:01



I think you're in the wrong place.

Leverette Wed 10-Apr-13 20:58:53


Are you actually soliciting for customers?! I've reported your message.

LynetteScavo Wed 10-Apr-13 20:59:31

Oh, Good Lord, I am staggering into my scarf like a 14yo.

I live nowhere near Hull.

Pascha Wed 10-Apr-13 20:59:54

grin. Reported, obv...

squoosh Wed 10-Apr-13 20:59:57

My Yoni says No(ni). Does your wife know you're online looking to get your mitts on strangers fannies?

MrSlant Wed 10-Apr-13 20:59:57

Yes, I've reported too, not entirely sure this is the right forum, apologies HullDad.

LynetteScavo Wed 10-Apr-13 21:00:39

Ewww, does he charge?

Jinafire Wed 10-Apr-13 21:00:41

ROAR grin

I need one actually, after spending half the day on a bicycle made for two. The seat was a tad high.

usualsuspect Wed 10-Apr-13 21:00:51

What the fuck is going on here then?

LynetteScavo Wed 10-Apr-13 21:01:21

sniggering, not staggering.

Jinafire Wed 10-Apr-13 21:01:40

Squoosh grin

Emo76 Wed 10-Apr-13 21:01:55

Yes please

namechange917381 Wed 10-Apr-13 21:02:06

What is it? I'm curious. grin

NewGirlInTown Wed 10-Apr-13 21:02:52

Squoosh, funniest reply on Mumsnet today, hands down! (snigger)

LynetteScavo Wed 10-Apr-13 21:02:55

Do you wear a glove, or use any lube, or anything? <<curious>>

HokeyCokeyPigInAPokey Wed 10-Apr-13 21:03:05

I saw the hull and thought it was Hully!

I thought WTF is she talking about.

Move on sunshine, we are not what you are looking for.

ClaraOswald Wed 10-Apr-13 21:03:14

So you want to charge for performing a sex act?

Isn't that prostitution?

namechange917381 Wed 10-Apr-13 21:03:23


namechange917381 Wed 10-Apr-13 21:03:43
namechange917381 Wed 10-Apr-13 21:03:52

Oh dear

MsWinnieBaygo Wed 10-Apr-13 21:04:29

Pahaha at 'my yoni says no(ni)'

This is the most ludicrous thread I've seen in a long time grin

Jinafire Wed 10-Apr-13 21:04:46

Oi speak for yourselves ladies. I'm Googling directions to Hull as we speak.

MarcelineTheVampireQueen Wed 10-Apr-13 21:05:11

Can anyone lend me the bus fare to Hull??grin

Oh my Yoni, OP...do you have any idea of who you are pitching to here?

MostFamousMonkey Wed 10-Apr-13 21:06:28

FGS. Reported.

jumpingjackhash Wed 10-Apr-13 21:06:34

You're offering hand jobs?

HotCrossPun Wed 10-Apr-13 21:06:46


MsWinnieBaygo Wed 10-Apr-13 21:07:00

Oh my word, just clicked on the afternoon delight link - the massage includes finger slippage/insertion. I feel all a fluster reading that

How? confused I mean, is it hands in?

moondog Wed 10-Apr-13 21:07:15

My yoni says no(ni)
I will be guffawing about that for a long timeSquoosh. grin

I like the added detail about Hull.
Adds an erotic frisson.

Jinafire Wed 10-Apr-13 21:07:17

That is the word I will now use for lady bit. Fuck off fanjo, yoni is in da house.

CajaDeLaMemoria Wed 10-Apr-13 21:07:55

I was just wondering that, Gwendoline...

Finger slippage does not sound erotic at all.

HokeyCokeyPigInAPokey Wed 10-Apr-13 21:08:08

Arf at finger slippage!!

Jinafire Wed 10-Apr-13 21:08:28

Gwen shock

QueenCuntyChops Wed 10-Apr-13 21:08:52


I mean, really, WHAT?

jumpingjackhash Wed 10-Apr-13 21:09:53

Slippage! <snigger>

BeanoGrigio Wed 10-Apr-13 21:09:58

Do you say yoni as in to rhyme with Joni (Mitchell) or to rhyme with Ronnie (O'Sullivan)?

DoIgetastickerforthat Wed 10-Apr-13 21:10:09

Yoni massage sounds far more delicate than masturbating - I may adopt it as a turn of phrase.

Bearcrumble Wed 10-Apr-13 21:10:40

If my hands had fallen off and ny washing machine was on the blink and I lived in Hull....

....The answer would still be the biggest NO ever.

Jinafire Wed 10-Apr-13 21:10:58

Beano that's what I was just going to ask!

BeanoGrigio Wed 10-Apr-13 21:11:05

Mnhq please don't delete this thread.

Style and beauty???

FlowersBlown Wed 10-Apr-13 21:11:09

I have met somebody who does this for a job, the male version whatever the tantra name for that is. It's a tantra massage with a happy finish. Very spiritual...

Oh my gosh.

No one touches my vagina to give a massage!


Ta, OP, I'm gonna have nightmares tonight!

AnyFucker Wed 10-Apr-13 21:11:17

I might as well say it, because the thread will soon go

Fuck off, perv

ValarMorGoolis Wed 10-Apr-13 21:11:31

Blatantly here for the deletion message

<crosses legs>

ReluctantBeing Wed 10-Apr-13 21:11:45

So you are offering to finger me in front of my other half?

Sunnywithshowers Wed 10-Apr-13 21:11:55


bunnymother Wed 10-Apr-13 21:12:08

Hilarious!!! Am chuckling as I type.

Allthingspretty Wed 10-Apr-13 21:12:18

I think i will stick to my nars blusher thanks

TheFallenNinja Wed 10-Apr-13 21:12:41

So it's a fancy wank then.

Pissing myself.

IAmSheWhoMustBeObeyed Wed 10-Apr-13 21:12:46

'hello, this is Yoni,
I'm glad I'm not in Hull
And if you ad-ver-tise on Mumsnet
The chances are that
You are on the pull.'

Bearcrumble Wed 10-Apr-13 21:12:58

Anyone imagining ehat he looks like? I've got as far as sweaty upper lip, propensity to wear shorts during inappropriately inclement weather and high pitched whiny voice.

Jinafire Wed 10-Apr-13 21:13:21

I think that's the gist of it, Reluctant

Stepissue Wed 10-Apr-13 21:13:22

A better orgasm than from a normal massage?? People get orgasms when they go for a spa day? No one told me!!

AnyaKnowIt Wed 10-Apr-13 21:13:36


ReluctantBeing Wed 10-Apr-13 21:14:18

Did anyone watch that programme about dogging recently? I am picturing the OP in an owl mask.

shock blush shock


moondog Wed 10-Apr-13 21:15:38

We must be of about the same age. grin

Blatherskite Wed 10-Apr-13 21:15:52

Marking place just for the deletion message smile

AnyFucker Wed 10-Apr-13 21:15:58

RB grin

I think HQ will leave this thread up for the shitz'n'giggles for a while....

janey1234 Wed 10-Apr-13 21:16:30

Also cannot wait for the deletion message!

Crunchymunchyhoneycakes Wed 10-Apr-13 21:16:47

It's always somewhere like Hull isn't it?

LoganMummy Wed 10-Apr-13 21:16:49

Haha - that link refers to the release of "sacred feminine waters"?

I'm in! grin

catnipkitty Wed 10-Apr-13 21:16:58

Please don't delete this thread, hilarious! Crying with laughter..erotic Hull grin

snice Wed 10-Apr-13 21:17:01

me too moondog

BeanoGrigio Wed 10-Apr-13 21:17:08

Come back op....

...... I'd love to see any pms he's received grin

ReluctantBeing Wed 10-Apr-13 21:17:50
BeanoGrigio Wed 10-Apr-13 21:17:56

Seriously I need to know how to pronounce yoni though.

orangeandlemons Wed 10-Apr-13 21:18:03

Ugh ugh ugh. This is just creepypurvey. Yuk. Imagine him heavy breathing....

ArtexMonkey Wed 10-Apr-13 21:18:32

Have you got a wispy little beard and one of those he pen hoodies with the Robinson Crusoe type lace up fastening op? Do you stink of patchouli?

moondog Wed 10-Apr-13 21:18:40

I love it that they have written 'discreet' as 'discrete' on that website.
That certainly is a particularly discrete massage he is giving the young woman.

namechange917381 Wed 10-Apr-13 21:18:42

There's a male version, the lingham massage apparently haha! So we could return the favour! grin

EggbertShellyandYoko Wed 10-Apr-13 21:18:43

Think you've got enough feedback now to make a considered choice OP?

cupcakemumma Wed 10-Apr-13 21:18:53

OP you are an utter wrong un.

ArtexMonkey Wed 10-Apr-13 21:18:54


CajaDeLaMemoria Wed 10-Apr-13 21:19:06

Is anyone else now picturing that bit of 40-year-old virgin where he's got the anatomically correct model of female genitalia?

I can't stop laughing. DP has just got back in from football, and is looking baffled at both finger slippage and sacred feminine waters....poor man grin

TwllBach Wed 10-Apr-13 21:19:19

Am I the only one that is saving the link to show DP?

marking my place

Crunchymunchyhoneycakes Wed 10-Apr-13 21:19:31

Any man that uses the word yoni is far too weird and earnest to be at all attractive.


FanjoForTheMammaries Wed 10-Apr-13 21:20:09

Just had to explain to DH why I started pissing myself laughing

babybarrister Wed 10-Apr-13 21:20:10

I am really confused as to why this is in S & B though - do we have more stylish yonis?!
I had heard about this - there is some bloke in central London who -- wanks off-- gives releasing massages to half the literati apparently .... Wanders off wondering whether Justine is a customergringrin

ChasedByBees Wed 10-Apr-13 21:20:56

Oh bleeee, YUK.

Portofino Wed 10-Apr-13 21:21:23

I've been to hull, nothing like this happened though. The most exciting aspect of my trip was a fight at the railway station, and discovering Malibu with strawberry milkshake....

BoiledEggandToastSoldiers Wed 10-Apr-13 21:21:29

Shamelessly marking smile

Whojamaflip Wed 10-Apr-13 21:21:30

grin just grin

MeAndMySpoon Wed 10-Apr-13 21:21:31

... never heard it called that before. grin

And I'll never see Hull in the same light again!

Panzee Wed 10-Apr-13 21:21:34

I'm nowhere near Hull. Is that a euphemism?

DH says sounds fab, how are you with sixteen stone and a thick and luxurious man-pelt?

He says not to worry if he gets you in the eye.

FaceLikeAPickledOnion Wed 10-Apr-13 21:22:00


MrsSchadenfreude Wed 10-Apr-13 21:22:04

I bet his name is Brian, he has slightly greasy receding hair, and breathes heavily through his mouth, while grinding his grimy thumb round and round in your minge, before ssssensssualllly massaging your clitoris... manfully, purposefully, until you cummm, and see fireworks, rainbows, prancing unicorns and Brian saying "That will be £80 please."

Ledkr Wed 10-Apr-13 21:22:08

Is this style or is it beauty
I'm off to wash me yoni grin

utahforever Wed 10-Apr-13 21:22:16

Is there a franchise opportunity outside of the 50 mile radius ?

ParsleyTheLioness Wed 10-Apr-13 21:22:18


DoIgetastickerforthat Wed 10-Apr-13 21:22:30

All I need to do to release my sacred feminine waters is to cough rather vigorously with a full bladder - thanks for the offer though.

HokeyCokeyPigInAPokey Wed 10-Apr-13 21:23:14

Slightly greasy receding hair and a pony tail!!!

hurricanewyn Wed 10-Apr-13 21:23:36

Beano - it's like yo - knee, more like Joni than Ronnie.

grumpywompy Wed 10-Apr-13 21:23:39

reported too. what a loon. sod off with ya fanny fiddling

Twentytotwo Wed 10-Apr-13 21:23:54

I've always thought you S&B lot were a little ... different, but really!

squoosh Wed 10-Apr-13 21:24:08

Shall I organise a coach, maybe a 40 seater, so we can all head to glamorous Hull for a Groany Yoni?

Blatherskite Wed 10-Apr-13 21:24:18

They used to sell alcoholic milkshakes in a club we went to in Sheffield too Porto! I'd forgotten about them. <drools>

orangeandlemons Wed 10-Apr-13 21:24:20

And wispy beard, jog pants, bare scrawny chest and bare feet with toe ring

PetiteRaleuse Wed 10-Apr-13 21:24:36

Ha ha ha excellent thread grin

YoureAllABunchOfBastards Wed 10-Apr-13 21:24:50

Christ on a bike...

BoiledEggandToastSoldiers Wed 10-Apr-13 21:24:56

LRD's DH, am guffawing at "man pelt" grin

LynetteScavo Wed 10-Apr-13 21:25:18

Is no one in MN Towers tonight?

Or is Justine into Yoni?

SparkyDudess Wed 10-Apr-13 21:25:26

Blerk shock

ReluctantBeing Wed 10-Apr-13 21:25:37

I bet he has dirty fingernails.

jumpingjackhash Wed 10-Apr-13 21:25:50

grin @ LRD

dexter73 Wed 10-Apr-13 21:25:53

Fortunately I am about 150 miles out of your catchment area!

HullDad Wed 10-Apr-13 21:25:57

It is pronounced Yoni as in Joni Mitchell, the Tantric name for the vagina.

No, i'm not just looking for ladies, i'm looking for feedback as to whether you've tried, would you consider one, and if you've tried it, did you have a more powerful orgasm?

The "normal" orgasm is the one you usually have from sex or masturbation.

MissVerinder Wed 10-Apr-13 21:26:03


Ledkr Wed 10-Apr-13 21:26:07

Yes please squoosh. That would be nice! Make a little trip out if it.
Can we bring sweets for the coach

JumpHerWho Wed 10-Apr-13 21:26:16


IAmSheWhoMustBeObeyed Wed 10-Apr-13 21:26:17

I'll never hear that song again without seeing that link pic. Eeeurgh.
Poor Yoni Joni

Good lord. I always thought style and beauty was a safe place.

OP, thanks for the concern but my yoni is a-ok without your healing hands anywhere near it. Boak.

CoteDAzur Wed 10-Apr-13 21:26:22

ROAR @ that link grin

"Outer and inner lips, clitoral hood and clitoris are all sensually massaged. Slowly a finger is then inserted into the yoni. Massaging North, South, East and West, varying the depth, speed, and pressure this is a massage which will nurture, honour and relax both you and your yoni."

He wants to honour our yonis. How can we refuse? grin

Jinafire Wed 10-Apr-13 21:26:42

Squoosh STOP IT!! I actually do have genuine pain and it hurts more when I laugh!

Oh holy moly, thanks but no thanks. Gross

ReluctantBeing Wed 10-Apr-13 21:27:06

It is foreplay, no?

Ledkr Wed 10-Apr-13 21:27:23

Ill stick with my "normal" orgasm if its all the same.

orangeandlemons Wed 10-Apr-13 21:27:45

Do you think he talks whilst doing it, like Barry White stylee?. Hey beautiful laydee, I am caressing your womanhood. < shudder>

Fuck me with a frying pan
I did not realise that was a real, proper massage shockconfusedshock.
That's surely just someone giving you a wank? I can do that myself I don't need to pay anyone. Arf at "Massaging North, South, East and West, varying the depth, speed, and pressure this is a massage which will nurture, honour and relax both you and your yoni".

I must say though, I do agree that yoni is an excellent word. How do you pronounce it?

MrsSchadenfreude Wed 10-Apr-13 21:28:08

Oh, I've shagged in Newcastle and Manchester and took it up the bum in Brum,
But it wasn't till I went all the way to Hull that I found that I could cum.
I screwed up my face while Brian worked on my place, till out shot a bit of wee.
I've been to paradise but I've never been to me

milkwasabadchoice Wed 10-Apr-13 21:28:28

Go on - those of you who have replied privately to the Op - fess up!! Which of you have asked for a fingering in (their) hull?


snice Wed 10-Apr-13 21:28:42

I am imagining OP to look like the drawing of the hairy bloke in 'The Joy of Sex'

TurnipCake Wed 10-Apr-13 21:28:45

Joni Mitchell's Ladies of the Canyon sounds a whole lot different now confused

MrsSchadenfreude Wed 10-Apr-13 21:28:49

With apologies to Charlene - not entirely sure why that song came to mind.

timidviper Wed 10-Apr-13 21:29:40

Well you learn something new every day on MN! I am now feeling deprived as I have never yet orgasmed at a spa day!

grumpywompy Wed 10-Apr-13 21:29:54

can't be doing with all this talk of fannys a Wednesday [shocked]

orangeandlemons Wed 10-Apr-13 21:30:14

Snince nooooooooooooo! just no.

CoteDAzur Wed 10-Apr-13 21:30:23

MrsSchadenfreude grin

First time ever LOLing & crying in front of the screen at your poem.

usualsuspect Wed 10-Apr-13 21:30:39

I don't want your bony anywhere near my yoni,

YoureAllABunchOfBastards Wed 10-Apr-13 21:30:51

grin at these responses. Especially the Charlene one and Ladies of the Canyon!

squoosh Wed 10-Apr-13 21:30:51

Jinafire you would benefit from a Yoni massage, your pain is merely an imbalanced chakra which would be healed by the release of your 'scared feminine waters' by Brian from 'Ull.

All this for only £80. And your hubby can watch. BARGAINOUS!

Aah, cross posts. Well, now I know how to pronounce it, I can safely say I , categorically, do not want you anywhere near my yoni. Even if DP is also in the room...

snice Wed 10-Apr-13 21:31:15

MrsSchadenfreude your poem is GENIUS

LynetteScavo Wed 10-Apr-13 21:31:38
Jinafire Wed 10-Apr-13 21:31:45

I can't stop pronouncing it YAWN-EE now. So it'll have to stay that way for me.

dexter73 Wed 10-Apr-13 21:31:48

£80!! I used to get them for free at the school disco!shock

How dare you defile our hallowed portals in S & B with your Yoni talk?!!!

<wonders whether to start a thread on who has the most beautiful and stylish Yoni>

<decides that wouldn't be a GOOD IDEA>

IAmSheWhoMustBeObeyed Wed 10-Apr-13 21:31:57

My Yoni is not tense, thank you and neither of us needs to relax more as we are both sat on the sofa enjoying a quiet evening.

CheeryCherry Wed 10-Apr-13 21:32:06

dirty fingernails Boaaaaaaaaaaakkk!
And I'm a die hard Sporn-er!
Won't be getting that coach to Hull thanks.

squoosh Wed 10-Apr-13 21:32:07

'scared feminine waters' is probably more apt that 'sacred' actually! grin

Ginformation Wed 10-Apr-13 21:32:09

Do you pronounce it Hulldad or Helldad?

CajaDeLaMemoria Wed 10-Apr-13 21:32:24

Nah, has to be Marvin Gaye, right?

llleeeeettttt'''sss get it ooonnnnnnnnnn....

MadBraLady Wed 10-Apr-13 21:32:30


WildThong Wed 10-Apr-13 21:32:30

That's something I did not expect to read..

A nurtured yoni. hmm

BrittaPie Wed 10-Apr-13 21:32:31

Amazing grin

snice Wed 10-Apr-13 21:32:36

but WHY S&B?

* * * * * * * *
* Brian of Hull *
* * * * * * * *

Fastest Yoni Massage in the North East.

I'll fiddle-faddle with your whoops-a-daisy and get you 'off' within the hour.

Discreet service direct from my Fiat Brava to your door.

10% discount for Tesco ClubCard holders and OAPs (Wednesdays).

FaceLikeAPickledOnion Wed 10-Apr-13 21:33:09

I've released my feminine waters by pissing myself laughing at this thread grin

YoniMitchell Wed 10-Apr-13 21:33:37


littlemissbunny Wed 10-Apr-13 21:33:40

Posting as I hoping for a good deletion message! Or should that be massage?

Ledkr Wed 10-Apr-13 21:33:43

Ive also given a good friend a Yoni massage and again, her orgasm was very powerful

So you've wanked off your mate?? Did your wife know?
This is so funny.

CockBollocks Wed 10-Apr-13 21:33:49

Malibu & strawberry milkshake, i've heard it all now.

Oh wait, fucking hell shock, Yoni what? Nope, now i've heard it all.

LynetteScavo Wed 10-Apr-13 21:34:12

I asked my DH for a pony
But instead he gave me a yoni.
I was filled with remorse
Coz I wanted a horse
But DH said my organs wasn't phony.

CeeceeBloomingdale Wed 10-Apr-13 21:34:29

Even if you paid me that'll be a no

TurnipCake Wed 10-Apr-13 21:34:36



Jinafire Wed 10-Apr-13 21:34:56

My pain is from an imbalanced bike saddle, grin

I have no husband so do I get a discount? Or will it be extra - you know, like a room supplement?

AliBean Wed 10-Apr-13 21:34:58

This thread has cheered me up no end... imagine if there were dadsnet and HullMum tipped up with the same thread hmm grin

YoniMitchell Wed 10-Apr-13 21:34:59

Come on OP, had any PMs on this then?

Allthingspretty Wed 10-Apr-13 21:35:04

MRS grin grin

IAmSheWhoMustBeObeyed Wed 10-Apr-13 21:35:08

grin YoniMitchel

formerdiva Wed 10-Apr-13 21:35:13

Yes I live in Hull! Yes I have a yoni! No you're not coming anywhere near it!

LynetteScavo Wed 10-Apr-13 21:35:23

organs = orgasms. grin

He he. Yoni.

DharmaBums Wed 10-Apr-13 21:36:24

I've not laughed as much in ages! Brilliant!

Malibu and strawberry milkshake is amazing CockBollocks you really should try it. Well, if you like both ingredients that is.

BriansBrain Wed 10-Apr-13 21:36:29

£80? No ta I think I will stick with DIY

ReluctantBeing Wed 10-Apr-13 21:36:39

Dexter73 grin

LynetteScavo Wed 10-Apr-13 21:36:39

How funny would it be to set up a tribute act called Yoni Mitchel?

MrsRandom78 Wed 10-Apr-13 21:37:10

Hee! But bleeeeee at dirty fingernails!

ComeAlongPond Wed 10-Apr-13 21:37:24

What. On. Earth.

Ginformation Wed 10-Apr-13 21:37:45

Think he chose S&B as there isn't a swingers & pampas grass topic.

WrenNatsworthy Wed 10-Apr-13 21:37:45


enormouse Wed 10-Apr-13 21:37:46

1) ick
2) why style and beauty? Is this a fashionable thing to do these days?
puts crocs on over very thick socks
3) ick again, must show this to DP and hope he doesn't think it's a fashionable thing to do

Velve Wed 10-Apr-13 21:37:50

I am pissing myself at this thread.

grin YoniMitchell

Jinafire Wed 10-Apr-13 21:37:51

grin Dexter

grin usual

YoniMitchell Wed 10-Apr-13 21:37:59

Bet the op also eats raw garlic.

MrsSchadenfreude Wed 10-Apr-13 21:38:13

Oh, I've been to Hull and the Isle of Mull while Brian dug and delved in my muff.
He was sratchin my itchin from Hull to Hitchin while I writhed around in the buff.
I was undressed by Bri and I came in his eye, all from his massage of my yoni.
I've been to paradise, but I've never been to me

Vijac Wed 10-Apr-13 21:38:19

Haha dolge grin

AnyFucker Wed 10-Apr-13 21:38:19

Some bastard already has the nickname YoniMitchell

Lovecat Wed 10-Apr-13 21:38:20

Is this why half the women on the Relationships board recommend going for a Spa day when someone's DH is being a git? shockshock

IAmSheWhoMustBeObeyed Wed 10-Apr-13 21:38:22

This is the sort of thing AH meant! Honestly a nice bloke comes along with a business idea, looking for feedback and he just gets torn to pieces. Vipers!

I live within 50 miles of Hull....

Maybe I should move?!

orangeandlemons Wed 10-Apr-13 21:38:40

And listens to whale music

ReluctantBeing Wed 10-Apr-13 21:38:44

MNHQ are about because another thread has just gone poof. I reckon they are too busy laughing at this one.

Or driving towards Hull.

CockBollocks Wed 10-Apr-13 21:38:50

one and your opinion on Yoni massage? Give that a go? grin

squoosh Wed 10-Apr-13 21:39:08

TalcAndTurnips your peppy little ad sounds almost appealing! I can just picture my ankles waggling out the passenger door of the Fiat Brava whilst Brian from Hull enriches my sacred feminine cavern.

As long as it's not a phoney Yoni. Nothing worse them a flimsy Yoni massage in Tesco's carpark.

YoniMitchell Wed 10-Apr-13 21:39:12

wink AnyFucker

nenevomito Wed 10-Apr-13 21:39:18

I've had a word with Yoni and it reckons its alright.

Thanks anyway.

cardamomginger Wed 10-Apr-13 21:39:22

It is pronounced Yoni as in Joni Mitchell, the Tantric name for the vagina.
OP, the way you have punctuated this means that you are saying that Joni Mitchell is the Tantric name for the vagina.
Is this true? Wonder if she knew....

Downfall Wed 10-Apr-13 21:39:30

This is style and beauty?

Could I get my colours done at the same time?

ClaimedByMe Wed 10-Apr-13 21:39:40

I reckon HQ are taking up the offer of a free trial...

RowanMumsnet (MNHQ) Wed 10-Apr-13 21:39:54

Sorry, sorry

Can't decide whether to delete or move straight to Classics

Blatherskite Wed 10-Apr-13 21:40:27

Strawberry and Malibu milkshakes are yum. I'm trying to remember what booze went in the Banana milkshakes...

UmBongo Wed 10-Apr-13 21:40:27

shock I'll pass too thanks!

Crunchymunchyhoneycakes Wed 10-Apr-13 21:40:29


ReluctantBeing Wed 10-Apr-13 21:40:33


Sunnywithshowers Wed 10-Apr-13 21:40:38

Brilliant thread. I hope it's not deleted.

Hulldad, why did you post in this section? I'm agog.

Hassled Wed 10-Apr-13 21:40:49

grin This has cheered me right up. Who knew Hull was such a hotbed of Eastern mysticism and erotica? Not me.

relaxingathome Wed 10-Apr-13 21:40:51


Facebaffle Wed 10-Apr-13 21:41:01

formerdiva I also live in Hull smile
Bloody typical - this type of post can only come from here.

Allthingspretty Wed 10-Apr-13 21:41:06


HullDad, ignoring the ludicrous concept of yoni massages for one moment, you're offering to give massages as you enjoy giving them. Do you have any qualifications in massage?

Either way, thanks for giving DP and I a good chance to lmfao giggle!

MrsSchadenfreude Wed 10-Apr-13 21:41:22

Justine and Olivia have just been stopped for speeding on the M25.

Ikeameatballs Wed 10-Apr-13 21:41:29

Best thing I've read in a long time!

YoniMitchell Wed 10-Apr-13 21:41:41

Oh this has to be a classic

Allthingspretty Wed 10-Apr-13 21:41:52

Its never dull in hull eh?

milkysmum Wed 10-Apr-13 21:42:19

what the heck??

shrimponastick Wed 10-Apr-13 21:42:27

And it is only Wednesday....

RowanMumsnet (MNHQ) Wed 10-Apr-13 21:42:30

Sadly for all concerned, the OP may no longer be able to answer your questions

TurnipCake Wed 10-Apr-13 21:42:30

Crying at this thread.

yellowhousewithareddoor Wed 10-Apr-13 21:42:35

I think someone (not me) ought to take up the offer so it can be reviewed properly for mumsnet. Maybe even a live webchat after?

Hassled Wed 10-Apr-13 21:42:46

Rowan - neither. Let it stand in S&B. And one day someone will be searching S&B for threads about stylish waterproof coats with a hood and stumble across this - you just can't deny them the frisson they'll undoubtably feel.

ReluctantBeing Wed 10-Apr-13 21:43:01

I hear there is traffic jam on the M62 heading east.

cardamomginger Wed 10-Apr-13 21:43:03


McPheetStink Wed 10-Apr-13 21:43:07


CheeryCherry Wed 10-Apr-13 21:43:11

Thinking about it, my friend has a caravan on a site near Hull. Anyone want me to ask her if she's any vacancies?

squoosh - I am considering having them printed up for Brian so he can put them in newsagents' windows, next to ads for Flymo lawnmowers and a carburettor for an '82 Cortina.

) . (
( v )
\ | /

^ corporate logo for Yonis 'R' Us

enormouse Wed 10-Apr-13 21:43:25

Classics please Rowan!

AnyFucker Wed 10-Apr-13 21:43:25


quietlysuggests Wed 10-Apr-13 21:43:26

Are lots of women pming him I wonder?

Blatherskite Wed 10-Apr-13 21:43:36

Oh Brian. He's not the messiah massager, he's a very naughty boy.

starjules Wed 10-Apr-13 21:43:36

Oh please don't delete, I've nearly had an orgasm from laughing so hard!

CajaDeLaMemoria Wed 10-Apr-13 21:44:05

Just showed DP this thread.

He looks very concerned, and said that there is clearly a grim underside in Hull.

I'm now dying laughing. This has cheered me right up.

ParsleyTheLioness Wed 10-Apr-13 21:44:06

Why not RowanMumsnet?

squoosh Wed 10-Apr-13 21:44:15

Brian if you have a car or bicycle and are willing to travel with your healing mystic hands you could call your business Hullivers Erotic Travels.

JumpHerWho Wed 10-Apr-13 21:44:17

yy yellowhouse. It can go in 'Mumsnet Recommends'

ClaimedByMe Wed 10-Apr-13 21:44:21

Rowan what have you done to him shock

WildThong Wed 10-Apr-13 21:44:27


McPheetStink Wed 10-Apr-13 21:44:38

Well this beats the friday night bumsex grin

NippyDrips Wed 10-Apr-13 21:44:47

My yoni is tickled pink with this thread already... A bit of an online service eh.

MrsSchadenfreude Wed 10-Apr-13 21:44:50

"Thread deleted: it was deluged in a flood of sacred feminine waters."

Allthingspretty Wed 10-Apr-13 21:44:52


TheDegglyDonkey Wed 10-Apr-13 21:44:59

Please send this to classics - it's fab-u-lous!

But please will you post the deletion message you would have used if you'd deleted it?

MostFamousMonkey Wed 10-Apr-13 21:45:24

Mrs Schadenfreude's poem must stay forever. I am crying laughing here.

LynetteScavo Wed 10-Apr-13 21:45:26

OK, so who beat me to claiming YoniMitchel'as a posting name?

JumpHerWho Wed 10-Apr-13 21:45:29

Is he busy RowanMumsnet? grin

catnipkitty Wed 10-Apr-13 21:46:02

Is the OP otherwise engaged? Found a willing customer perchance or just been deleted by his wife and 'good friend' for one Yoni-ing too far...

WrenNatsworthy Wed 10-Apr-13 21:46:13

TalcandTurnips you have totally finished me off with your Fiat Brava post.

(Not like that).

EggbertShellyandYoko Wed 10-Apr-13 21:46:16

Is this April Fools day, seasonally adjusted??

YoniMitchell Wed 10-Apr-13 21:46:38

I was Jumpingjackhash but quite like my new id <twirls>

Oh, please put it in Classics.

It's harmless fun and a brilliant indication of how MN can all pull together being charming and pleasant.

Shlurpbop Wed 10-Apr-13 21:46:57

Marking smile

littlemissbunny Wed 10-Apr-13 21:47:05

Perhaps this should be the next mumsnet course?

I have laughed so much at this thread - thanks.

BOF Wed 10-Apr-13 21:47:15

Please keep it, Rowan grin

MrsS, I love you thanks

justpoppy Wed 10-Apr-13 21:47:19

This thread has cheered me up no end tonight

MostFamousMonkey Wed 10-Apr-13 21:47:34

Blatherskite grin

LifeofPo Wed 10-Apr-13 21:48:00

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFucker Wed 10-Apr-13 21:48:11

< sends evils to YoniMitchell >

CockBollocks Wed 10-Apr-13 21:48:26

yep jumper he posted the same on NM's and a lorry load just arrived in Hull looking for 'Yoni' love.

He's a busy boy.

SabrinaMulhollandJjones Wed 10-Apr-13 21:48:32

Oh please classics! Dh is confused at what I'm laughing at.


Geillis Wed 10-Apr-13 21:48:35

Mrs Schadenfreude's poem! smile

BOF Wed 10-Apr-13 21:48:40

YoniMitchell, you fast fucker envy

usualsuspect Wed 10-Apr-13 21:48:41

Please don't delete.

sjupes Wed 10-Apr-13 21:48:46

Weirdly i keep imagining op to look like the guy who sings 'somebodybthst i used to know' gotye is it?

All because the yoni and gotye sounded the same in my head grin

Keep your mitts of my bits i thank you.

Please keep it. It's the first time I've ever laughed until I cried at a thread...

YoniBeard Wed 10-Apr-13 21:49:38



i'm looking for feedback as to whether you've tried, would you consider one, and if you've tried it, did you have a more powerful orgasm?

So you're not offering a wank, but you want to have one while reading our experiences? You're in the wrong place mate!

MrsSchadenfreude Wed 10-Apr-13 21:49:41

Here she comes now sayin' Yoni, Yoni
Feel her quim, fingers in her Yoni
Brian give me love and I feel all right now
Come on you gotta toss and turn
And feel all right, yeah I feel all right
I said yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

ohforfoxsake Wed 10-Apr-13 21:50:02

And I thought the only good thing to come out of Hull were The Housemartins.

I can't decide... Delete for the deletion message or classics... Tough one.

PoohBearsHole Wed 10-Apr-13 21:50:44

Rowan, did mnhq steal Ban fom Hull? Is that why he s unavailae okay idle on my Yoni?


HotelTangoFoxtrotUniform Wed 10-Apr-13 21:50:47

Classics, please!

But post what you'd have put as the deletion message!

ReluctantBeing Wed 10-Apr-13 21:50:52

He might try gransnet next...

AnyFucker Wed 10-Apr-13 21:51:04

MrsS grin

tethersend Wed 10-Apr-13 21:51:08

The poor man comes here looking for feedback on a spiritual, mystical experience and he is roundly mocked. You should all be ashamed of yourselves.

You big bunch of Yonis.

steben Wed 10-Apr-13 21:51:15

Tears of laughter!

TurnipCake Wed 10-Apr-13 21:51:38


That's it, * dead *

PoohBearsHole Wed 10-Apr-13 21:51:46

Urhm, unavailable to fiddle with my yoni.

I'll get me coat and dump the ipad

babybarrister Wed 10-Apr-13 21:51:47

That web link bloke was based just outside Tunbridge Wells - so now we know why everyone is disgusted of Tunbridge Wells as their yonis have not had bonies ...grin

Stepissue Wed 10-Apr-13 21:51:48

PORTOFINO - Me too! Did you discover it at Spiders??!

quoteunquote Wed 10-Apr-13 21:52:01


Quite a few practitioners offer similar round here (devon), I did giggle when I saw in the parish magazine, yoni yoga quite popular, I wonder why.


I love that tethers.

Though I will say I found being in the middle of a bunch of cunts doing what they do best to be quite a spiritual experience myself.

BigFatBarry Wed 10-Apr-13 21:52:25


TheDegglyDonkey Wed 10-Apr-13 21:52:43

Best thing to come out of Hull is the A15.

littlemissbunny Wed 10-Apr-13 21:52:48


Sorry where were we grin

SalIvatingDave Wed 10-Apr-13 21:53:08

Well, there are product tests, and then there are product tests from Hull. <not doing shocked face in case OP gets more ideas>

MrSlant Wed 10-Apr-13 21:53:11

Classics, please! I take back the report I made when no one else had posted, I was wrong, I tell you, wrong grin

Birdies Wed 10-Apr-13 21:53:13

Hey Yoni man! I live within 50 miles, I'm getting in the car now.....

(funniest thread I've read in a long time grin)

catgirl1976 Wed 10-Apr-13 21:53:36

Brilliant grin

Just brilliant

Catz1 Wed 10-Apr-13 21:53:36


I've cried with laughter.

PoohBearsHole Wed 10-Apr-13 21:53:59

Yoga for my yoni? Really? Is tht not just a keigel? smile

YoniMitchell Wed 10-Apr-13 21:54:00

Where is he? Banging out a quick one?

kissmyheathenass Wed 10-Apr-13 21:54:33

This is hilarious . Classics please!
Poor Brian, is he banned?

GirlOutNumbered Wed 10-Apr-13 21:54:36

Great work if you can get it, eh HullDad!

LynetteScavo Wed 10-Apr-13 21:54:41

) (
( v ) <- yoni

ArtexMonkey Wed 10-Apr-13 21:54:42


I am weeping at mrsschadenfreude. With my eyes. Not with anything else. Thanks.

Bearcrumble Wed 10-Apr-13 21:55:20

There was an old hippy from Hull,
Who found massage incredibly dull,
Until one fateful day,
His hand went astray,
Business plans his brain started to mull....

He logged on to the internet,
Seeking yonis to aid to get wet,
The vipers poured scorn,
He crept off forlorn,
But don't pity the creepy old get.

CockBollocks Wed 10-Apr-13 21:55:28

I want to be yonimitchell.


UmBongo Wed 10-Apr-13 21:55:34

Rowan has got him "otherwise engaged" which is why he can't answer. Either that or MN has now got a hit squad.

How do you know a Hull girl's had an orgasm?

She drops her chip buttie.

I'm sure you can get a fingering for a lot cheaper than £80 in Hull. Some areas the boys will pay you, if your yoni is lonely.

There was an old perv from Hull
Who was exceptionally dull
He felt up my Yoni
I wasn't that lonely
So I cracked open his skull

Oh sad I actually wanted to know the answer! Do these 'spiritual yoni therapists' bother with the qualifications, if so, how the fuck do they move onto 'yoni massage'?! shock

YoniBeard Wed 10-Apr-13 21:57:09

Maybe he's doing a telephone consultation


YoniBeard Wed 10-Apr-13 21:57:53

MissB grin

CoteDAzur Wed 10-Apr-13 21:58:55

MissBee grin <wipes tears>

TwoPoundCakePuncher Wed 10-Apr-13 21:58:56

Classics.... Pleeeeeeeease, i havent the time to read it all now and i have faceache from the first three posts! Do not delete!!

VikingLady Wed 10-Apr-13 21:59:04

I'm having my first ever spa weekend soon - do you think this is one of the massages on offer? Is this why spa weekends are so popular for hen weekends (the hens' equivalent of a lap-dancing lounge)?


I bet the op has a dandruffy beard, too.

ThePathanKhansAmnesiac Wed 10-Apr-13 21:59:17

My yoni says noni grin

Mrs Schaden grin

Oh classics please!

Brian, respeck, God luffs a trier an' all that.

BOF Wed 10-Apr-13 21:59:24

Now I'm googling Joni Mitchell song titles. "My Secret Place" has potential, but possibly not as much as "Goodbye Pork Pie Hat".

Another vote for classics.

D0G Wed 10-Apr-13 22:01:49

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Neeko Wed 10-Apr-13 22:02:47

Yet another vote for classics. Very funny.

D0G Wed 10-Apr-13 22:02:56

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

snice Wed 10-Apr-13 22:03:41

what about Joni Mitchell's third album 'Ladies of the Canyon'

HoobleDooble Wed 10-Apr-13 22:03:53

Yoni Cunningham ... Happy Days!

MostFamousMonkey Wed 10-Apr-13 22:04:28

I also retract my request for deletion, because this thread has turned out to be the wittiest I've ever seen on MN.
Classics, please HQ.

SaggyOldClothCatPuss Wed 10-Apr-13 22:04:31

CHRIST! No thanks! After 2 kids, my Yoni is so relaxed there is a chance, if I cough without my legs crossed, that you'd have to start calling me Nigel!
And as for releasing my feminine waters, dont even go there!

HullYoni Wed 10-Apr-13 22:04:39


I'll have you know that Brian is a highly skilled professional yoni wrangler. He's got a certificate and everything. He'll provide his own grubby tie dyed towels, I'll admit the patchouli oil can smart a bit at first but the powerful erotic manipulations soon make up for it. He is also happy to provide his own Sting CD and rubber gloves.

5318008 Wed 10-Apr-13 22:04:40

ROAR at goodbye porkpie hat

too funny

BOF Wed 10-Apr-13 22:04:49


Maryz Wed 10-Apr-13 22:04:51

[arf] at "we can't decide whether to delete or move straight to Classics".

Only on Mumsnet grin

I luffs you Rowan.

Messandmayhem Wed 10-Apr-13 22:05:15

I am laughing so hard that I almost peed myself released my sacred feminine waters! £80 is a bit steep for a wank though isn't it?

YoniBeard Wed 10-Apr-13 22:06:34

Just don't go to Youtube shock

LynetteScavo Wed 10-Apr-13 22:08:04

"Come to the Sunshine" and

"Taming The Tiger", both Joni Mitchel songs would me great names for Brian from Hull's business venture.

LynetteScavo Wed 10-Apr-13 22:08:43

'Ladies of the Canyon' grin

TheDegglyDonkey Wed 10-Apr-13 22:09:04

Red rag to a bull yonibeard grin

grin "Yoni wrangler"

ArtexMonkey Wed 10-Apr-13 22:09:08

"Goodbye pork pie hat "


EggbertShellyandYoko Wed 10-Apr-13 22:09:46

Have some sympathy ladies, can't be much job satisfaction for poor Brian now, can there?

TiggerWearsATriteSmile Wed 10-Apr-13 22:10:05

Why do I keep thinking of Emu's at the mention of Hull?!
The image is not doing it for my yoni....

LynetteScavo Wed 10-Apr-13 22:10:19

My stomach muscels are actually hurting. grin

EggbertShellyandYoko Wed 10-Apr-13 22:10:28

lets call it, hmmmm, a 'labour of love'

HullYoni Wed 10-Apr-13 22:11:15

We can provide testimonials on request. So far he's done two dinner ladies, the vicar's wife and the staff of our local Greggs

YoniBeard Wed 10-Apr-13 22:11:15

Oops grin

NewGirlInTown Wed 10-Apr-13 22:11:19

Classics please!
The humour coming thick and fast makes me so proud of Mumsnet!


ZenNudist Wed 10-Apr-13 22:12:39

Do you think if he'd put it in spirituality rather than s&b he'd have had more luck grin

IAmSheWhoMustBeObeyed Wed 10-Apr-13 22:12:43

Oh Brian my lonely Yoni longs to release it's sacred feminine waters. Help me Brian, help me. The north, south, east and west- inwardly, outwardly, upwardly! Briiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan!

Tense, nervous Yoni?
You need Brian
Brian acts fast to get to the root of the problem.
Take Brian

MrsGeologist Wed 10-Apr-13 22:12:49


Please classics!

TheCrackFox Wed 10-Apr-13 22:12:53

I'm crying with laughter.

Whose going to be pay £80 for a fancy wank? Is Hull not having a recession.

Chubfuddler Wed 10-Apr-13 22:13:21

I'm going to wait for a decent interval and then start a baby names thread.

Yoni - girl or boy's name, do you reckon?

Also - WTF is being done to that Yoni in the afternoon delight link - it looks like a chemical peel. That is not how I honour my yoni thanks very much.

Fantastic thread, classics please!!

The My Yoni says No (ni) and the Fiat Brava have just about finished me off!
And ewwww at Brian from Hull or wahtever hsi name is.
My Yoni is not for ferkeling by hairy handed truckers from Hull. <shudder>

Chubfuddler Wed 10-Apr-13 22:14:33

ROAR at "own sting cd". Please can I have the lute one?

noddyholder Wed 10-Apr-13 22:14:35

It is £150 in Brighton so it's a bargain although I think you go home with a stick of rock

HeyYoniYoni Wed 10-Apr-13 22:14:38

I'm so sad sad

I always thought it was as in ronnie

Now I look a bit of a div

TurnipCake Wed 10-Apr-13 22:15:17

Poor Joni Mitchell, her ears must be burning.

Or maybe not her ears shock

SantanaLopez Wed 10-Apr-13 22:15:25


MrsSchadenfreude Wed 10-Apr-13 22:15:36

"Brian is very talented with his hands. At the same time as performing your Yoni massage, he also performs a Lingam massage on himself. If the moon and sun are in the correct alignment this can result in the release of sacred feminine waters and a virile surge of Lingam fluids simultaneously."

(Brian has shares in Dettol.)

MechanicalTheatre Wed 10-Apr-13 22:15:39

I had one of those once.

The bloke used his cock.

Just plunged it in and out before exclaiming loudly and collapsing on top of me.

It wasn't that relaxing.

MooncupGoddess Wed 10-Apr-13 22:16:02

I hope you're going to include this in your weekly offers email, MNHQ. 10% off for all Mumsnetters, code YONIWANK10

This should go into classics. I have been lmao here, thank goodness the kids are in bed. grin

CutePuppy Wed 10-Apr-13 22:16:59

Love this thread!

CoteDAzur Wed 10-Apr-13 22:17:45

Wailing at the code YONIWANK10 grin

TheDegglyDonkey Wed 10-Apr-13 22:18:14

This thread has come a few days too late - would have been perfect for Justine to demonstrate mn's lighter side on the JV show grin

Brian is setting his new salon up as we speak:

Yoni & Guy

and has already obtained a Royal Appointment:

{@} By Appointment to Her Vaj - Purveyors of Mimsy Meddling and Gusset Navigation

BigFatBarry Wed 10-Apr-13 22:18:46

I suppose this resolves all those threads on whether ladies' private parts should be called a foofoo or a tuppence. Yoni it is.

DoIgetastickerforthat Wed 10-Apr-13 22:18:46

A man from Hull, he did call us
Come hither wives, girlfriends and daughters
For three times a Pony
He'll massage your Yoni
And release your sacred femine waters.


LoganMummy Wed 10-Apr-13 22:19:21

YONIWANK10 gringrin

SaggyOldClothCatPuss Wed 10-Apr-13 22:19:22

Classics please. grin

Literalol at Her Vaj grin

lunar1 Wed 10-Apr-13 22:20:35

please dont delete this!

YoniM Wed 10-Apr-13 22:20:52

I keep thinking of the scene in Friends where Ross ends up massaging the old man with the salad servers.

elQuintoConyo Wed 10-Apr-13 22:20:54

'Gives you the best orgasm you've ever had' - only if you also stick your finger up my bum, Brian. Or is that extra?
And, would you wear a brown polka-dot dress like in Pretty Woman while you diddled my Yoni 'cos that'd r-e-a-l-l-y get my juices going grin

babybarrister Wed 10-Apr-13 22:22:12

DH has said he is interested in setting up in competition ' wankers r us'

TheDegglyDonkey Wed 10-Apr-13 22:22:23

grin @ Talc

usualsuspect Wed 10-Apr-13 22:22:46

Are MNHQ having an emergency meeting?

Delete or classics, has it gone to the vote yet.

Hassled Wed 10-Apr-13 22:22:51

Joni Mitchell says:
I've looked at life from both sides now
from Hull to York
and still somehow
it's Brian's ministrations I recall.
I really don't like yoni massage at all.

sapphirestar Wed 10-Apr-13 22:23:32

I've been lurking since this had about 6 posts and people were going what the fuck you perv!!
Crying with laughter at how it has progressed, thank you all!

Probably not what OP had in mind but am convinced that at least one person PMd him feedback before it got totally derailed! grin

Bramblesinafield Wed 10-Apr-13 22:24:05

As long as the mystical massage doesn't channel an early yonimitchell offering, 'blue', we can relax.

Hassled, that is brilliant. smile

MechanicalTheatre Wed 10-Apr-13 22:24:30

Hassled, OH MY FUCKING GOD, my sides.

sapphirestar Wed 10-Apr-13 22:24:40

Btw my vote is for classics!

squoosh Wed 10-Apr-13 22:24:46

My name is Brian from Hull no doubt
I’ll massage your Yoni till sacred waters shoot out

My sweaty little paws are willing and able
I perform my magic on the kitchen table

For just £80 I will banish all tension
But only on Mondays when Mam goes for her pension

MrsKwazii Wed 10-Apr-13 22:24:47

Ahh,do you think we've spoiled the Yoni King of Nowhere's fun?

LemonMousse Wed 10-Apr-13 22:24:49

Oh dear I am crying at this! From my eyes you understand - it's not my feminine waters!

CockBollocks Wed 10-Apr-13 22:25:03

mimsy meddling & gusset navigation

<wets self>

doiget yes you do, although it may be a bit damp after that poem.

<sinks lower than Brian>

sjupes Wed 10-Apr-13 22:25:34

Oh my god this neeeeds to go in classics!

HullYoni Wed 10-Apr-13 22:25:42

Actually that salon idea's already crossed his mine. He was thinking "YONI-VER WANK ALONE"

ObiWankenYoni Wed 10-Apr-13 22:25:47


babybarrister Wed 10-Apr-13 22:26:23

now I understand why it is in style and beauty - apparently it will also get rid of cellulite on my arsegringrin

usualsuspect Wed 10-Apr-13 22:26:56

The yoni ranger has rode off into the Hull sunset.

CoteDAzur Wed 10-Apr-13 22:26:57

squoosh grin

Chubfuddler Wed 10-Apr-13 22:27:50

You cannot delete this hq, hassled's lyrics must be preserved.

I'm shock this face that this is actually an actual thing and gets advertised in parish magazines in Devon.

orangeandlemons Wed 10-Apr-13 22:27:57

Would that stick of rock have the words ' I've been yoni'd in Brighton' all the way through then?

IamtheOneandYoni Wed 10-Apr-13 22:28:13

Not read whole thread yet but crying laughing and couldn't resist a name change in honour! grin

VerySmallSqueak Wed 10-Apr-13 22:29:01

Is that you,XP?

He was such a wanker I always said he could make a business out of it.

DustingIsEasy Wed 10-Apr-13 22:29:31

I often wonded if the style and beauty threads were for me. Who knew? grin

EMUZ Wed 10-Apr-13 22:29:52

The name change to IamtheOneandYoni has just finished me off
blushshock Oh not like that, I meant laughing. Not finished off as in bestHullhastooffer grin

Portofino Wed 10-Apr-13 22:30:09

MrsS, if you are planning on being half so funny whilst visiting, please pre warn so I can buy Tena lady.

CoteDAzur Wed 10-Apr-13 22:30:19

The most popular Style & Beauty thread ever grin

MyLittleYoni Wed 10-Apr-13 22:30:23

It gets rid of cellulite?

Briaaaaaannnnnn! Come back!

<sets off for Hull with Marigolds>

EMUZ Wed 10-Apr-13 22:31:12

When will I learn not to google?

MrsKwazii Wed 10-Apr-13 22:31:16

He jumped up onto Mumsnet
And said "Please will you find
A yoni soft and suitable
To warm Brian's be- (diddle diddle dee)
Just see what you can find

SabrinaMulhollandJjones Wed 10-Apr-13 22:32:06

The yoni namechanges are fab. grin Love this thread, I've not laughed so much since the 'I hate my pets" thread. It's gotta go in classics.

LiveItUp Wed 10-Apr-13 22:32:16

squoosh grin

clearly just here for what I hope will be a classic deletion message

MostFamousMonkey Wed 10-Apr-13 22:32:22

Iamtheoneandyoni and mylittleyoni grin

I've got to leave the thread for a bit because I'm laughing so much I'm in danger of wetting myself without anyone going near my yoni.

LizzyDay Wed 10-Apr-13 22:32:32

I think I know why Bri chose Style and Beauty!

Fly London Women's Yoni Pumps

IamtheOneandYoni Wed 10-Apr-13 22:32:41

EMUZ - have just had to explain to dh why I am laughing so much (also why a link to afternoon delight may appear in history blush)

This is surely a Friday night thread grin

squoosh Wed 10-Apr-13 22:32:45

Brian never said if he provides refreshments for the husband/partner who gets to witness this sacred harnessing of intimate feminine gushing.

FuckThisShit Wed 10-Apr-13 22:32:53

Best thread in a good while.

OnlytheYoni Wed 10-Apr-13 22:33:04

I now have a Roy Orbision earworm...

DoIgetastickerforthat Wed 10-Apr-13 22:33:20

Fuck it! I just woke the baby up by snorting.

Damn you Iamtheoneandyoni. grin

Flosshilde Wed 10-Apr-13 22:33:34

My pelvic floor, weakened by pushing a baby out of my Yoni three weeks ago, has now completely collapsed.

Thanks MN. grin

CoteDAzur Wed 10-Apr-13 22:33:55

"Yoni pump" grin <weeps>

usualsuspect Wed 10-Apr-13 22:34:29

Only the Yoni
Knows why, I cry
Only the yoni.

IamtheOneandYoni Wed 10-Apr-13 22:35:24

Aww, maybe Bran is feeling alone, he should listen to ....[[http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=ysmN7dsheE8&desktop_uri=%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DysmN7dsheE8 Only the Yoni!]

TheYamiOfYawn Wed 10-Apr-13 22:35:38

Loving this thread!

Chubfuddler Wed 10-Apr-13 22:36:07

I think some of the gushing Brian has experienced can be explained by failure to follow step 1) on ehow guide to giving a yoni massage: ask the woman to empty her bladder.

IamtheOneandYoni Wed 10-Apr-13 22:36:21

Balls, try again!

Only the Yoni

ForYourEyesYoni Wed 10-Apr-13 22:36:53

I want to play

YoniRanger Wed 10-Apr-13 22:37:24

My Yoni was fine but all the snorting seems to have made it a little gushy!

SmackTheYoni Wed 10-Apr-13 22:37:36

Me too!

BeQuicksieorBeDead Wed 10-Apr-13 22:38:06

Isn't this what victorian doctors prescribed for hysteria?! Is Brian available on prescription?

ForYourEyesYoni Wed 10-Apr-13 22:38:25

Arf at Smack the Yoni

Fallenangle Wed 10-Apr-13 22:38:49

From googling:"^Before beginning the massage, you should gaze into each other's eyes while embracing and engaging in deep, relaxed, synchronized breathing. By doing this, the giver and receiver connect on a deep level, creating openness and the ground on which the yoni massage will grow. Both the giver and receiver should remember to keep breathing deeply, slowly, and with relaxation during the entire process^
When you are both ready to begin the massage, the woman lies on her back with one pillow under her head and another under her hips to elevate her pelvis. She bends her knees and opens her legs to expose her Yoni. Sit comfortably between her legs with your legs crossed. You may wish to sit on a pillow or cushion.^"
DP reckons he can do it handsfree, but he is concerned about the synchronised bit, he doesn't think he can grin inanely, tongue me and breathe all at the same time. grin

IamtheOneandYoni Wed 10-Apr-13 22:39:14


I can't cope with this hysteria!

trixymalixy Wed 10-Apr-13 22:39:16

The yoni way is up! Baby.

ForYourEyesYoni Wed 10-Apr-13 22:39:47

Yoni, yooooou can make this world seem right
Yoni, you can make the darkness bright
Yoni you and you alone
can thrill me like you do
and fill my heart with love for yoni you

SmackTheYoni Wed 10-Apr-13 22:39:49

Can we have a yoni namechange competition, a la Xmas and Easter namechange ones? Prize could be train tickets to hell Hull and back, and an £80 lovetoshop voucher!

moondog Wed 10-Apr-13 22:40:23

And all I ever knew
Yoni you

ForYourEyesYoni Wed 10-Apr-13 22:40:33

Yoni takes a minute, Brian girl

I think MN and Hull Man should get together and run an MN Academy on Yoni Massage tbh.

moondog Wed 10-Apr-13 22:41:45

I am in danger of waking sleeping children with my snorting.

IamtheOneandYoni Wed 10-Apr-13 22:41:57

We shouldn't mock, after all It's Yoni Natural

VanitasVanitatum Wed 10-Apr-13 22:42:42

HQ must be asleep this is hilarious! And on a Wednesday night..

ladymariner Wed 10-Apr-13 22:43:08

Haven't read the thread, pmsl way too much......a Yoni massage in Hull ???? Really, Hull????? Hahahahahahahaha........

trixymalixy Wed 10-Apr-13 22:43:37

This has to go in classics!

Rexy Wed 10-Apr-13 22:43:38

Oh my lord !!

MirandaWest Wed 10-Apr-13 22:43:56

I am posting just so I can see the deletion message smile

Chubfuddler Wed 10-Apr-13 22:43:56

This is someone on a wind up though isnt it? I mean Hull FFS, is there anywhere less tantric in the whole of the UK?

DoIgetastickerforthat Wed 10-Apr-13 22:44:14

Yes starlight and they could have a stall selling YoniYogurt for those with a relaxed but itchy Yoni.

squoosh Wed 10-Apr-13 22:44:22

I don't know about anyone else but despite never having heard of them an hour ago I am now in the mood for a Yoni massage! Just not courtesy of Brian from Hull. It will probably be courtesy of my faithful Lelo of Lovehoney.

SaddleUpRideYourYoni Wed 10-Apr-13 22:44:58

Yee ha!

I think MN and Hull Man should get together and run an MN Academy on Yoni Massage tbh.

They should insist on a practical exam and then at graduation there could be prize giving and a performance.

Chubfuddler Wed 10-Apr-13 22:45:38

I'm struggling to see the difference between a yoni massage and straight forward fingering myself.

YoniGetOneGoAtAHullDadSpecial Wed 10-Apr-13 22:45:50


FairyArmadillo Wed 10-Apr-13 22:46:13

Can't be bothered reading through 17 pages but don't most women do this themselves anyway? Am going back now to see if the OP has left any fun and interesting replies...

MildDrPepperAddiction Wed 10-Apr-13 22:46:31

Oh. My. God. Does your wife approve of you fiddling with other women's yonis? (Is yonis the correct plural??)

April 10th 2013 should surely go down in MN history as

The Day of the Front Bottom

- what with DOG's thread and this wondrous shrine to the noble under-dimple.

I feel privileged to have been here thanks

squoosh Wed 10-Apr-13 22:46:53

Finger yourself = masturbation.
Finger yourself whilst burning incense = Yoni.

Shamelessly place marking!

this is even funnier than Dogging Tales - does HULLDAD do it in a weird paper mache mask I wonder??

IYoniWannaBeWithYou Wed 10-Apr-13 22:47:58

Chub, it's all to do with the north, south, east and west.
Hope Bri has a compass when he's yoni-ing.

YoniNoDaeThat Wed 10-Apr-13 22:49:26

Tee hee! Best thread in ages.

MirandaWest Wed 10-Apr-13 22:50:09

I think I live within 50 miles of Hull though...

bebejones Wed 10-Apr-13 22:50:37

This is the most hilarious thread I've read in ages! My face hurts from clenching my teeth to stop me from laughing!! Please don't delete it MNHQ!

If MN do delete the read there are a whole lot of MNers with an insanely dodgy Internet history that the they won't be able to explain away convincingly shock

Classics is the only way forward.grin

MeAndMySpoon Wed 10-Apr-13 22:51:19

Chubfudler - you need to be aligned on the points of the compass, that's what I reckon the difference is. that and £80


MNHQ, if you delete this it will be a crime. Please stick it in Classics.

Yes YoniYoghurt.

MN could sell branded Yoni gloves and award a trophy (4th picture on this blog)

YoniNoDaeThat Wed 10-Apr-13 22:53:28

Compass? After 3 babies he'd need Google map to navigate mine.

I looks and TheYoniWayIsHull is gone sad

YawningYoni Wed 10-Apr-13 22:55:13

Can I book a seat on the coach to Hull please?

YoniGetOneGoAtAHullDadSpecial Wed 10-Apr-13 22:55:28

I was feeling a bit moany
Till Hulldad saw to me yoni
He gave it a Rubbing
In front of my hubby
In orgasm terms he's no phoney

The Yoni Way is UP - baby......

mousebacon Wed 10-Apr-13 22:56:35

Another vote for classics here.

Loving the name changes grin

WorraLiberty Wed 10-Apr-13 22:56:54

Really laughing out loud at this thread grin

DustingIsEasy Wed 10-Apr-13 22:58:57

Classics please!

YoniBennett Wed 10-Apr-13 22:59:05


Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. .. This is hilarious!!!!

OnlytheYoni Wed 10-Apr-13 23:00:30

Do you think his favourite programme is Yoni Fools and Horses?

ShowMeTheMeaningOfBeingYoni Wed 10-Apr-13 23:00:41

Yonigetonego grin

squoosh Wed 10-Apr-13 23:01:34


You'd need to be a fool to pay £80 for a posh wank from Brian in Hull. He may have more luck with the horses!

YoniLiveTwice Wed 10-Apr-13 23:01:37

Ah, so this is what happens at The Deep.

YoniNoDaeThat Wed 10-Apr-13 23:02:15

If I wake up in the morning and this thread has poofed, me and my Yoni will be pissed.

FrustratedSycamoresRocks Wed 10-Apr-13 23:02:48

Somebody tell me why I clicked on this thread.

<reaches for brain bleach>


i cant stop giggling like a little girl at this thread grin

MyLittleYoni Wed 10-Apr-13 23:03:29

Squoosh, he fingers horses?!


<worries about name change>

14 pages later and I am still laughing at "luxurious man-pelt" best thread ever!

VivaLeBeaver Wed 10-Apr-13 23:04:41

Ahhh Rowan, I was just going to PM him. Spoil sport. grin

Apologies if already posted but surely this calls for a Team America reference... I'm so Yoni tonight

squoosh Wed 10-Apr-13 23:05:33

Too late now MyLittleYoni he's powered up his Fiat Panda and he's coming to unleash your mystical feminine equestrian powers.

No need for the long face!

usualsuspect Wed 10-Apr-13 23:05:51

Will you yoni please me Brian
I'll fetch the suitcase from the van
Cause if you want the best 'uns
And you don't ask questions
Then sister he's your man

er1507 Wed 10-Apr-13 23:06:12


Just googled and found this. Nothing at all special and no need to pay £80!!

trixymalixy Wed 10-Apr-13 23:06:22

Love yoninodaethat. Best name change on this thread.

ThatVikRinA22 Wed 10-Apr-13 23:06:34

as someone who lives on the humber
i think hulldad made quite a blunder
i'll massage my yoni
or, my one and only
dont think ill be calling your number!

i think you sound quite a creep
80 quid for a wank isnt cheap
on a night out in hull
if you go on the pull
ive tried it, id much rather sleep!


YawningYoni Wed 10-Apr-13 23:07:30


FairyArmadillo Wed 10-Apr-13 23:08:12

I can't believe I googled away with this, but I discovered this artist if the now nonexistent OP needs illustrations. My mind is boggling quite disturbingly to figure out how she managed to contort her body on paper to do this- Yoni Art


squoosh Wed 10-Apr-13 23:09:09

It's all just snobbery. If he was from Henley on Thams rather than Hull we'd be queuing up around the block to allow him to finger our foofs for free.

I had an appliance from Sony
Which gently massaged my Yoni
But Brian from Hull
Who was hung like a bull*
Fingered my Yoni, and made me, quite moany

*he wishes

YoniGetOneGoAtAHullDadSpecial Wed 10-Apr-13 23:10:47

If yer yonis feeling lonely
Call the one and only
Hulldad who will rock up
To massage with his cock up
And make yer pants get up and dance

Far more difficult to get Henley & Yoni into a limerick though...

YoniNoDaeThat Wed 10-Apr-13 23:12:11

Trixy thank you!

I'm hoping the OP doesn't get the Chewing the Fat reference and decide to expand his repartee (sp?)

ShowMeTheMeaningOfBeingYoni Wed 10-Apr-13 23:14:41

Well although Brian can no longer actively contribute to the thread, I hope he's enjoyed the laughs.
Definitely one for classics.

YoniNoDaeThat Wed 10-Apr-13 23:14:49

I can't stop singing

You picked a fine time to leave me Yoni

YoniBear Wed 10-Apr-13 23:15:14

Hey there, Boo Boo.

PretzelTime Wed 10-Apr-13 23:15:25

So I leave S&B for five minutes and find that the most popular thread is now by some Dad from Hull offering £80 spiritual handjobs. Only on MN

Too bad he isn't around anymore, I'd like to know what the heck is so spiritual and different about it.

There's something totally hilarious about the ego of the male who thinks you can charge a woman to wank her off.

It's just so optimistic

OnlytheYoni Wed 10-Apr-13 23:17:28

Yoni, Yoni, Yoni, Yoneeeee
I'm begging of you please don't take my man

Yoni, Yoni, Yoni, Yoni
Please don't take him just because you can
Your beauty is beyond compare
With flaming locks of auburn hair
With pinkish skin clit of rosy red

Your smile is like a breath of spring
Your queef is soft like summer rain
And I cannot compete with you, Yoni

Ohhelpohnoitsa Wed 10-Apr-13 23:17:28

Hey... my students have to do a project on an enterprising idea for a gap in the market. If Hulldad has done it there, maybe I should tell my Yr 10s about it. Would make a change from limo hire businesses and hair salons like they normally choose........... wink wink in fact grin grin

And he started to shave
And have one off the wrist
And want to see girls
And go out and get pissed,
A man called 'Brian'--
This man called 'Brian'--
The man they called 'Brian'--
This man called 'Brian'!

Is not touching my yoni shock

A wednesday post from HullDad
Sent the mumsnet community mad
Wake your Yoni from slumber
By a bloke on the humber
Is the funniest thread that we've had!

YoniGetOneGoAtAHullDadSpecial Wed 10-Apr-13 23:19:47

If yer yoni needs love an'all
Give Hulldad a call
His masturbstion skills are the best
So put them to the test
And you'll be yelling oh yes til the Fall

CoteDAzur Wed 10-Apr-13 23:20:14

Vicar grin

Brian really is looking on the bright side of life

Ha haaaaaaa my yoni has leaked a bit. Bloody 10lb babies

PretzelTime Wed 10-Apr-13 23:21:11

OMG that link
Reasons why you should get a magic wank session:
"Tensions can also result from frustration with lovemaking ending to quickly, from lacking the courage to express your own desire or from masturbating in an inexpedient (wtf) manner.
Consistent lovemaking with a lingam (wtf!) that is considerably larger or smaller than the yoni can also lead to complications."
"Cellulite on the buttocks is reduced"

PipsWife Wed 10-Apr-13 23:22:25

Nearly reported but actually all the MN responses have made this the best thread ever!
I wonder if OP is from the ARRSE forum or Vanessa Feltz or even Amanda Holden trying to see if we'd bite but no we laugh!! grin

YoniNoDaeThat Wed 10-Apr-13 23:24:17

No snobbery from me Squoosh, my hometown makes Hull look positively desirable.

Or maybe its because my hometown has no Yoni massage sad

TheYoniWayIsUp Wed 10-Apr-13 23:24:43

Funniest thread ever!

Oh shit! Just realised I have been masturbating in an inexpedient manner!

MonaLotte Wed 10-Apr-13 23:26:55

Lol this is hilarious. Blatantly posting for deletion massage message!

EnchantedBunny Wed 10-Apr-13 23:27:32

Hilarious! grin

LtheWife Wed 10-Apr-13 23:27:33

Marking place, this is brilliant!

MonaLotte Wed 10-Apr-13 23:28:51

My yoni says noni is the best reply on mumsnet ever. Squoosh is a legend grin

squoosh Wed 10-Apr-13 23:29:06

Are you in Glasgow YoniNoDaeThat? I'm not sure they call them Yonis but I'm sureI've had something approaching what the fragrant Brian from Hull is offering.

ThatVikRinA22 Wed 10-Apr-13 23:29:34

so this bloke wants to massage your yoni
i reckon hes probably phoney
and to be frank,
is having a wank
he will be alone, and quite lonely.

ThePathanKhansAmnesiac Wed 10-Apr-13 23:30:28

Best thread ever! grin

Only the yoni=genius grin

Where,s Brian? Wonder if he,s on WOWCHER £80 is steep.

ThatVikRinA22 Wed 10-Apr-13 23:35:14

last one....i have to stop this!

My Yoni is begging your pardon
hulldads probably got quite a hardon
80 quid isnt bliss
its just taking the piss
ill tend to my own lady garden!

YonidAGoodWank Wed 10-Apr-13 23:36:57


chickydoo Wed 10-Apr-13 23:37:27

There I was curling up under the duvet with a naice cup of tea, to indulge in a bit of Mnetting, I have now spat tea out in a rather slovenly way all over duvet...,.yoni massage....my arse... Or rather my fanjo .....just very very odd

FrustratedSycamoresRocks Wed 10-Apr-13 23:42:18

Chicky i hope you weren't massaging your arse under your dovet, Brian is all ready to massage your yoni for 80quid wink

Brilliant Vicar just brilliant

squoosh Wed 10-Apr-13 23:42:49

I'm off to bed to give myself a vigorous yoni-ing.

YoniNoDaeThat Wed 10-Apr-13 23:44:12

Squoosh you're right, damn it! off to Google Finger your Fud and Poke your Pishflaps. You genius, you.

IamtheOneandYoni Wed 10-Apr-13 23:45:08

grin Vicar

Can't stop yawning. (Or should that be yoning?!) off to bed, but this thread has been so funny.

YoniNoDaeThat Wed 10-Apr-13 23:45:59

Not in Glasgow, but not too far away.

ExcuseTypos Wed 10-Apr-13 23:50:39

Yoni, yoni, yoni

Can we have a yoni smiley please MNHQ?

JudithOfThePascha Wed 10-Apr-13 23:51:39

My MIL wants a spa treatment for her birthday. Do you do vouchers?

JudithOfThePascha Wed 10-Apr-13 23:52:54

ExcuseTypos - I think if you want a Yoni smiley you need to contact the OP.

SolomanDaisy Wed 10-Apr-13 23:53:32

John? John Prescott, is that you? I thought Pauline had told you to lay off the yonis.

ExcuseTypos Wed 10-Apr-13 23:54:21

OP to give you the feed back you're after- no I won't be interested.

I've got a partner and he doesn't charge 80 quid.

ExcuseTypos Wed 10-Apr-13 23:54:54

Judith grin

Valpollicella Wed 10-Apr-13 23:54:55

CLASSICS pleeeeease grin If tgis gets delered I will be so pissed off

YoniBear Wed 10-Apr-13 23:55:18

grin @ typos

grin @ Judith

Lurleene Wed 10-Apr-13 23:55:56

Leave Brian alone - he's yoni human.

YoniBear Wed 10-Apr-13 23:56:28

But yes, a yoni smiley please!

CuntiestMNer Wed 10-Apr-13 23:57:38

Has anyone looked at the FAQs in that earlier link.

I love this one:
"Q: Do you offer 'extras' ?
A: Whilst the Tantric Yoni Massage is a very intimate and extremely sensual experience, which may well result in you achieving orgasm, I do not offer any form of sexual service. "

Yeah, right.

CabbageLeaves Thu 11-Apr-13 00:00:42

RowanMumsnet (MNHQ) Sadly for all concerned, the OP may no longer be able to answer your questions

You just know that MNHQ want him all for themselves don't you.

spanglejangle Thu 11-Apr-13 00:01:25

Wow. Just.... wow.

The internet is a weird place.

Yonimeyoniyou Thu 11-Apr-13 00:02:31

Ah haaa! grin

megsmouse Thu 11-Apr-13 00:04:55

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

blondieminx Thu 11-Apr-13 00:06:01

My sides actually hurt from laughing so much! Utter genius from the very talented MN poets and crying at YONIWANK10! grin

painintheyoni Thu 11-Apr-13 00:09:39

How many new "yoni" names do we have? :D

Lurleene Thu 11-Apr-13 00:09:44

ThePathanKhansAmnesiac There is a Swingers Break on Wowcher today!


£99 for 2! I'm not joking - 36 bought so far ... Maybe Brian will be putting in a personal appearance.

BurtSchmurt Thu 11-Apr-13 00:11:25


See, I've gone all caps lock and unnecessary exclamation marks. That's how upset I am at missing the fun.

Wish I'd held off on the namechange till I could go Yonitastic now...

catgirl1976 Thu 11-Apr-13 00:12:47

A swingers break on Wowcher???? shock

Is it just me or is the thing that's held you back from swinging not actually been the price of the breaks?

DoIgetastickerforthat Thu 11-Apr-13 00:14:49

With a hey and a ho, and a hey yoni-no
In Springtime our foofs were all tense
Prithee sisters, you know it makes sense
From the North to the South and East to the West
Hulldad flicks the bean the best
With a hey and a ho, and a hey yoni-no

SneezingwakestheJesus Thu 11-Apr-13 00:17:08

HAHA! Its times like this I wish I'd never left hull. Who knew it had such sexy services available shock

<vomits in shoe>

Buzzardbird Thu 11-Apr-13 00:19:12

Now look Russell, I know things have been a little quiet of late and perhaps you feel you have exhausted all the yonis in your social circle, but mn? Really? Have you not heard what an angry bunch of Vipers we are?

Lurleene Thu 11-Apr-13 00:19:41

I just hope Wowcher people haven't thought that £99 is a bargain two night break and booked without reading further.

Like I did with Pontins.blush

ShowMeTheMeaningOfBeingYoni Thu 11-Apr-13 00:20:13

sticker brilliant ! arf at 'flicks the bean'

catgirl1976 Thu 11-Apr-13 00:20:26

I think the OP has an angry viper

<runs away sniggering>

ParsleyTheLioness Thu 11-Apr-13 00:25:15

You sound like a cad
You want my yoni
You wish, if only
I've not had it in ages
But I'll not pay your wages
I've heard that you're crap
at things in the sack
so troll on 't'web
instead of in bed
We're too clever for you
Go back to your zoo!
And play on your own instead

Euphemia Thu 11-Apr-13 00:25:20

Fucks sake, I only popped by looking for a Clarks discount code ...


KatoPotato Thu 11-Apr-13 00:25:52

Wait a... My bleddy husband told me he's going on a yoni training course in Hull...

Why I oughtta!

Euphemia Thu 11-Apr-13 00:26:43

Anyway, surely it's not wanking if someone else is doing it to you ...?

<gets bit of paper and writes down bloke's name>

SatsukiKusukabe Thu 11-Apr-13 00:27:24

is this in style and beauty because his web site says "it's preferable if they are shaved".? Are you expecting a better level if grooming in this section?

KatoPotato Thu 11-Apr-13 00:29:04

I think this falls under 'princessing'

GW297 Thu 11-Apr-13 00:29:21

So funny! Classic even.

Euphemia Thu 11-Apr-13 00:31:01

Oh so that's what the cover of Cosmo is about this month!

"The New Orgasm" - Brian's Hand Shandy in the back shop of some QuickyMart in Hull. smile

rockinhippy Thu 11-Apr-13 00:32:43

My Yoni, she say NONI

Thanks for asking

As its S&B - so what you wearing then - ???

I imagine double pale khaki combat look - shorts just skimming the knee, casual shirt buttoned too high, dark thinking shoulder length hair, all one length & scraped back with grease, bedraggled bearded - well it would have to be from dangling too close to yoni on release of magical waters - finished of with gold rim spectacles, cream calf length socks & Jesus sandals smile

rockinhippy Thu 11-Apr-13 00:33:32

Dark THINNING - autocorrect is no funhmm

ParsleyTheLioness Thu 11-Apr-13 00:34:42

Casual shirt with food stains, and shorts unfortunately stained in the wrong places.

AndFanjoWasHisNameO Thu 11-Apr-13 00:34:56

There was a young lady called Joany
Who's yoni was exceptionally moany
Hulldad did what he oughta,
Released her feminine water,
Which she sprayed at his nosey neighbour Tony..... wink

HoneyDragon Thu 11-Apr-13 00:37:17


£80.00 fucking quid to be frigged by a perverted hippy?

There's some weird shit going on in Hull.

HullMum Thu 11-Apr-13 00:39:45


shock sad

Ah c'mon Honey

Brian brings a Rug Doctor and gives your carpets a good going over, too. (not a euphemism)

He also touches up paintwork (also not a euphemism) and will take large items of refuse to the Amenity Tip if he can fit it in the back of the Fiat (with the seats down).

This is all pure speculation. I do enjoy a good speculate.

Hullmum grin

OnlytheYoni Thu 11-Apr-13 00:45:10

He's not the messiah, he's a very naughty boy!

HoneyDragon Thu 11-Apr-13 00:45:36

I have a man do my carpets for £30 thanks Talc. And as his things so big the front door stays open, so the neighbours know nowt funnies going on.

MrsLHofstadter Thu 11-Apr-13 00:52:56

Honestly I go out for a couple of hours and the whole place goes crazy. I'm going to have to go catch up.

A quick google map says there is exactly 50 miles between me and Hull. Does that mean it's fate or I've had a lucky escape? hmm

rockinhippy Thu 11-Apr-13 00:54:53

There was an old Dad from Hull
Whose life was exceedingly dull
He pulled out his cock
& wanked in his sock
At the thought of all mumsnetter Yonis

HeavenlyYoni Thu 11-Apr-13 01:02:04

I seriously nearly had vodka and coke over my macbook then! This is the culprit:

I had an appliance from Sony
Which gently massaged my Yoni
But Brian from Hull
Who was hung like a bull*
Fingered my Yoni, and made me, quite moany

Most I have spent on MN in a long time. Come back Hull Dad!

SingingSands Thu 11-Apr-13 01:03:00

Sometimes my DH has to go to Hull for work. He always has a good local yokel story to tell me when he gets home, but this beats them all!

xigris Thu 11-Apr-13 01:04:34

Classics!!! Has anyone checked groupon (or possibly Brian's new company gropeon?)

OrangeFootedScrubfowl Thu 11-Apr-13 01:10:16

Yoni sleeps
Not knowing what she yearns for
An unknown item
Out there in our world
Another birth awaits
The knowledge of his touch
At a reasonable rate
The North Sea
Brings the scent of vikings

YoniTheLonelyKnowsHowHullFeels Thu 11-Apr-13 01:14:39


NandH Thu 11-Apr-13 01:19:39

surely this only happens in brothel like places! smile

OneTrickYoni Thu 11-Apr-13 01:23:30

He's a one trick yoni masseuse,
One trick is all that Brian can do,
He does one trick only,
It's the principle source of his revenue....

ThatVikRinA22 Thu 11-Apr-13 01:26:02

hulldad reckons he can work this magic
yoni massage is very orgasmic
he thinks he has power
thinks we came down in't last shower
it all sounds so terribly tragic.

why why why am i sat here at twenty past one in the bloody morning coming up with limericks about "yoni massage"....this is a new kind of madness.

has anyone read the feedback on "afternoon delight"???

im going to bed now. dont have nightmares, do sleep tight.

ChestyNut Thu 11-Apr-13 01:27:26


I've never been in S+B before and this is what's going on!

I may live within the 50 mile radius and have never paid £80 for a posh wank!

Wonder if I know Brian?

<checks local directory>

W for wanker or Y for Yoni stroker?

YoniTheLonelyKnowsHowHullFeels Thu 11-Apr-13 01:31:47

is this him ???

The opening blurb says he works travels as far as Hull too - well we were wrong a out his fashion sense grin]

NandH Thu 11-Apr-13 01:34:07

vicar ....just had a peep at the feedback!! har bloody har!

bri, my yoni needs some magic!! grin

YoniTheLonelyKnowsHowHullFeels Thu 11-Apr-13 01:34:19
Bessie123 Thu 11-Apr-13 01:56:31

It took me for ever to read this thread. Come back, Brian. We have more -sniggering questions for you

MooseBeTimeForCoffee Thu 11-Apr-13 02:56:38

The best thing to come out of Hull is the A63



PostmanPatricia Thu 11-Apr-13 03:13:56

Perhaps a cunnlinguist will post next.

PostmanPatricia Thu 11-Apr-13 03:17:23
FeijoaVodkaAndCheezels Thu 11-Apr-13 03:29:29

TIM for the equally disturbing and amusing middle if the night read. confused

AmberLeaf Thu 11-Apr-13 03:33:59

Well I wouldn't mind a go, but with my loverrr, not some random from Hull!

Sounds rather relaxing.

You're missing a trick OP, you should be giving lessons to men instead. except its not about business is it? you're just perving

FeijoaVodkaAndCheezels Thu 11-Apr-13 04:13:32

I am now inserting yoni into every non yoni name as I read (except my own because yonivodka is all kinds of wrong!). It's very amusing, but not helping me get to sleep.

TheRealFellatio Thu 11-Apr-13 04:19:39

PMSL at 'my Yoni says No(ni)'

ObiWankenYoni Thu 11-Apr-13 04:31:57

So glad this is still here grin

TheRealFellatio Thu 11-Apr-13 05:23:59

It would be quite tragic if this were deleted.

ThePoorMansBeckySharp Thu 11-Apr-13 05:59:48

Before this, he was dialling phone numbers at random and saying "Hi, I'm Brian from Hull and I'll rub your fanny for 80 quid if you like." Then he read Marketing for Dummies and now he's embracing social media.

lovesmileandlaugh Thu 11-Apr-13 06:19:04

Hilarious thread to wake up to in the morning! You lot make me laugh!!

YoniMitchell Thu 11-Apr-13 06:43:36

Wow, it's still going! Loving the poems and names. grin@ onlytheyoni

Sonotkylie Thu 11-Apr-13 07:01:37

Fantastic! Now I've only read the first 12 pages so sorry if someone has asked this, but why isn't it on discussions of the day? I want to see the way its summarised ...

I've laughed so hard reading this thread that I've leaked a little bit of wee (maybe Brian's yoni massage could fix those pelvic floor issues). Please, please, please put this in classics!

Lepreporn Thu 11-Apr-13 07:17:42

I'm very late to this thread. But isn't it a bit much that you have to pay upfront for the afternoon delight. What if your yoni isn't happy with the service it's received ?

CheerfulYank Thu 11-Apr-13 07:20:49

I. Am. Dying.

I'm 34 weeks preg and have just had to go change my sweatpants. blush

It was "I used to get them for free at the school disco" wot done it, Dexter!

Wow, what a bean flicker!

This is utterly hilarious. Pmsl at HullMum's post. Genius.

WhoWhatWhereWhen Thu 11-Apr-13 07:24:04

Before this, he was dialling phone numbers at random and saying "Hi, I'm Brian from Hull and I'll rub your fanny for 80 quid if you like." Then he read Marketing for Dummies and now he's embracing social media.

Excellent haha

Are you Mr Evans?

MinnieBar Thu 11-Apr-13 07:33:21

Has anyone tweeted this thread to Amanda Holden? Purely to show a, well, different side to MN?