fecking animals are driving me nuts and i am going to kill them all

(219 Posts)
TeggieCampbeggBlegg Tue 26-Mar-13 08:39:12

cat. In and out and in and out and in and out and in and out and food food food food food.

BigDog. Follow cat and breathe and pant and herd and pant and bark and herd and breathe and bark.

SmallDog. When not shagging the cat wilk not leave BigDog alone. Nose up arse and lick and lick and yap and yap snd lick snd sniff and luck and sniff.

All. The. Fucking. Time. Round. And. Round. And. Round. In. Circles.

I no longer love them. In fact I hate them all.

BarbaraRoberts Tue 26-Mar-13 08:40:58

mud mud mud mud mud mud mud mud mud mud mud mud mud mud mud mud mud mud mud mud mud mud mud mud mud mud mud mud mud mud mud mud mud mud mud mud mud mud mud mud mud mud mud mud mud mud mud mud ........

TeggieCampbeggBlegg Tue 26-Mar-13 08:43:28

And DD2 wants a horse. HA! No fucking way.

EeyoresGloomyPlace Tue 26-Mar-13 08:46:39

Ah horses are easy, shut stable door, go home smile and ignore the fact you have to get up at 5am to let them out and shovel shit the next morning

auforfoulkesake Tue 26-Mar-13 08:47:05

you get used to the smell though

GetOeuf Tue 26-Mar-13 08:48:40

Well now the spring is coming (hollow laugh) you will have fleas and all the moulting hair to look forward to as well. Bastards.

GetOeuf Tue 26-Mar-13 08:50:01

I am waiting for the first sanctimonious fucker who posts 'poor animals sad'

Poor animals. grin

I'm tackling the problem of shedding early. Doodle is off for a bath and a shave.
I will get the bugger clean and tidy if it kills me!

TeggieCampbeggBlegg Tue 26-Mar-13 08:55:10

Sanctimonious fuckers are quite welcome to come and rescue the poor animals.

TeggieCampbeggBlegg Tue 26-Mar-13 08:55:42

Oh god.

Moulting.

[sob]

Pilfette Tue 26-Mar-13 08:57:20

Cat always wanting to be on the other fecking side of the fecking door. I have mumsnetting to do an essay to write.

Also, DH gave him tuna this morning so he is manic and doing comedy cartoon cat charging around, complete with wheeling paws and mad skidding.

Go To Sleep You Wretched Animal.

<breathes>

Pollykitten Tue 26-Mar-13 08:58:08

Endless decaptitated mice and back legs of rabbits.... cunts.

dingit Tue 26-Mar-13 09:03:06

Maybe spring is in the air. After boxing me on the nose to get up, my cat has run up and down the hall, skidding on the laminate, and worse helped me change the bed. Trying to put a king size duvet on with a fat lump in the middle ( the cat, DH has gone to work)

JenaiMorris Tue 26-Mar-13 09:07:29

I'm crying now.

These poor creatures are hated by the person who should love them most. What hope do they have, living with such hostility? sad

<runs>

Oh the joys of bed changing. My dogs lay in the middle of the bed and give you a soul crushing withering look as if to say 'You expect ME to move!'

Bastards.

Pilfette Tue 26-Mar-13 09:11:11

Never forgiven mine really for making me pick up dissected frogs from the sitting room carpet. With a hangover bad enough that I couldn't work out what I was picking up with my bare hands until I picked up a leg with a flipper on the end eight years ago. No I don't hold grudges So glad we no longer have a garden with a pond.

MoreBeta Tue 26-Mar-13 09:11:56

Chickens!

I have three in my garden. The cockerel just wants to kill everything including me. The 'one eyed pirate' hen climbs trees and falls out of them into the road. The Asil hen is permanently broody, steals the eggs of the other hen and then refuses to drink or eat.

They aren't even mine! Grrrr...!

stopfightingandtidyupthismess Tue 26-Mar-13 09:12:45

My cat does the bed changing thing. Looks all indignant when I attempt to change the covers, and the dog jumps up and down yapping in order to get the cats attention. Cat hisses at the dog, stalks off and lays down on the bed that I'll be doing next (and once they are all done, will choose a freshly made bed to shed all over).

The other cat is very loud, and from about 9pm at night will yowl repeatedly until we put fresh tinned food in the bowl. Despite the fact we probably did it just a few minutes before, if he didn't see it done, it isn't fresh.

Since having the dog though, we've not had a problem with dead mice or other small creatures...

cq Tue 26-Mar-13 09:13:38

My two bastards won't set foot out the door voluntarily in this weather, oh no, too cold mummy, nasty snow mummy.

But as soon as I so much as move the fecking leads, they are leaping around like spring lambs, ooh yes mummy, yes yes yes it's lovely out there if only you come with us.

If spring isn't here soon there will be 2 dogs playing on the M4.

Skang Tue 26-Mar-13 09:13:42

My cats' recent crimes are:

Pissing in the bath
Shitting on the front door mat secretly so the post falls into it
Pissing on a pile of photographs, books and other items of sentimental value
Constantly yowling with the intent to wake DD up whenever she is asleep
Waking us at 6am without fail
As I type this biting me on the foot.

JenaiMorris Tue 26-Mar-13 09:14:42

My cat crapped all over the cabling behind the TV about 20 minutes before I was due to leave to catch a booked train for the first Jolly Important Meeting of my new job with big wigs in That London.

I was thrilled.

minmooch Tue 26-Mar-13 09:16:09

It's like having a stalker - every time I move I can feel my dog looking at me. Each time I take a deep breath he looks expectantly. He comes in the car with me a lot and spends his whole time looking in the mirror so when I check my mirror all I see are his big beautiful eyes. I play a game in the evenings where I deliberately slow my breathing and lull him into a false sense of sleepiness and then I change my pattern of breathing - it confuses him!

I'm sure that the mere action of me looking at him causes an inexplicable reaction of lots of his fur falling on to my newly hoovered carpet. It's a never ending battle of woman against fur - and I'm losing.

And don't get me started on the mud!

saycheeeeeese Tue 26-Mar-13 09:17:21

I have two cats and they daily walk a slippery slope especially the one that cries all feckin day for goddamn dreamies then wants in, out, in, out etc

They won't eat their expensive food--fucking dreamies have ruined me-- and spend most of the day whinging to be fed.

Love them though grin

RandallPinkFloyd Tue 26-Mar-13 09:19:00

The snow is deeper than my dog, (she's an average sized dog).

Consequently the area immediately surrounding my back door is carpeted in yellow snow.

She has refused to go for a walk since Friday as she dislikes all weather.

The cats are the happiest I've ever seen them. I have one who loves water and one who isn't bothered either way. Apparently they both adore snow over a foot deep hmm

GetOeuf Tue 26-Mar-13 09:19:36

Oh god cat shit on cables - one of mine did that to my laptop cable when she was a kitten (which also sent me into a yowling rage as I had to pack up my laptop for a meeting in That London with bigwigs as well).

I remember a poor dead mouse once - I couldn't work out what was on the floor so bent down and peered closely - it turned out to be a poor mouse's FACE with whiskers, the rest of him had been devoured.

They have also dragged in dead bats (which terrified dd when she was younger as we also live next to a graveyard) and on one memorable occasion a whole dead crow was yanked through the cat flap, black feathers all over the place.

Then they come up to be dribbling and want a cuddle.

almostanotherday Tue 26-Mar-13 09:20:08

Mud! Dog + Mud = Aaaaaargh

MuchBrighterNow Tue 26-Mar-13 09:23:01

My dog is such an emotional guilt trip... he's incredibly sensitive and can't stand raised voices. he cowers by the toilet sad

He should be living with an old granny instead of a house full of shouty teenage boys

Iatemyskinnyperson Tue 26-Mar-13 09:23:11

Oh so glad I read this. Dog follows me round everywhere with sheepish neediness. Does he adore me? Does he arse, he's a hungry fecker. All he wants is to eat all the food, while ignoring the premium-brand expensive stuff in his bowl.

He drives me batshit. If I put him out, he'll bark and whine at the windows to get back in. I think I like him 10% of the time.

GetOeuf Tue 26-Mar-13 09:24:39

One of my cats pisses in the bathroom sink.

Waits until you are on the loo, then come and sits in the sink next to you and happily puddles whilst staring in a blissed out manner. Bloody oddball. I am tempted to spray her with Mr Muscle.

RobbinyoureastereggsSparkles Tue 26-Mar-13 09:24:48

Poor animals sad

I would re-home them if I were you. They deserve to be with owners that love them and give them a happy home. Someone ought to report you lot to the RSPCA. angry

I'm teasing! wink

Iatemyskinnyperson Tue 26-Mar-13 09:29:35

Oh oh! And another one!! We had a cat who got poisoned last year. But before he got his wings he caught and ate THE EARS off a baby rabbit, shock He picked the patio for this horror show. Kids were traumatised for weeks.

As the poor rabbit was still alive I had to chase off the cat, and was faced with the dilemma of what to do with the shrieking earless baby bunny. I bottled it & called a neighbour (I live in the country in case you can't guess!).

coffeeinbed Tue 26-Mar-13 09:33:37

Bloody dog is already moulting!
WTF?
It's freezing out, why is he moulting?
Bastard animals.

stopfightingandtidyupthismess Tue 26-Mar-13 09:36:43

I'm always impressed at the lengths birds will go to to escape my cats. Flying up the waste pipe covering and appearing in the bathroom when I open up the hatch to track down the fluttering noise (YAAAAHHHH!) Hiding behind the washing machine and dying tucked up in the motor. Hiding behind the utility door (fooled my DH, but not the cats!) Flying around the kitchen and crapping on all the surfaces in a bid to play keepaway.

Birds. I definitely prefer them outside flying about, not inside my house crapping everywhere and shedding feathers.

GetOeuf Tue 26-Mar-13 09:38:21

One of the best names on here is a mumsnet tear called 'mycatisabastard'

GetOeuf Tue 26-Mar-13 09:38:39

Mumsnetter not mumsnet tear

duchesse Tue 26-Mar-13 09:41:51

I so agree with you OP. Was going to start similar thread yesterday as I vacuumed up in places I'd already vacuumed that bloody day. There are dust/hair bunnies everywhere in my flipping house, splash marks where the bloody 2 yo dog bounces back in from the garden with a muddy tail and paws, torn up dog beds (the 2 yo again), a bad smell and deafening snoring (the 13 yo dog), sodding miaowing cat trying to kill me by tripping my up about 6-7 times a day or whenever he decides it's time for another smackerel of something. They are doing my head in. If I put them out in the garden, the dogs go off visiting every other house in the village, even arthritic I-can-barely-get-out-my-bed-feel-sorry-for-me 13 yo buggers off whenever he gets the chance. As soon as I go to the kitchen to make a hot drink, they lie behind me hoping to be fed. Everything in this fucking house expects me to feed it all the time.

Am seriously, seriously considering having an outdoor enclosure for the dogs for the daytime, so at least I can a bit of a break from them.

OhChristHasRisenFENTON Tue 26-Mar-13 09:45:26

moult moult moult mud mud mud lick lick scratch scratch moult moult moult mud mud beg moult moult moult scratch moult chase beg moult mud

It's not a good time for pets, is it?

ClaimedByMe Tue 26-Mar-13 09:45:34

We have 3 bastard cats, they are in and out and in and out and in and out all bloody day long, only one cat can enter or exit the door at the time so you by the time sit down after letting a cat in/out another wails/paws a door/picks a carpet so you have to get up again, sometimes I think I could cry!

The dog at the moment is quite happily sitting in front of the telly totally engrossed......in nothing, the fecking telly off, it is a black screen!!!

BarbaraRoberts Tue 26-Mar-13 09:47:32

My dog lounges around snoring all bloody day and groans if I turn on the Hoover or the machine goes on fast spin.

Lazy fecker.

youmaycallmeSSP Tue 26-Mar-13 09:51:01

Thank you for reminding me why I will never, ever have a pet that's any harder work than a goldfish.

saycheeeeeese Tue 26-Mar-13 09:51:39

This is why I stopped at cats. ..think a dog would send me over the edge!

The cat - in and out, in and out ALL night up and down up and down, climbing the door frames and slding down commando style...the back out and then back in. If I lock her in or out she howls.

The rats - bang, crash all night long in their massive cage chasing each other ans secretly post all their bedding out through the bars....

But we love them really - I think these are all signs of happy animals.

WhatAGoat Tue 26-Mar-13 09:56:52

I feel everyone's pain stupid dog is actually sitting looking at me whinging for a treat but I am not getting up as the baby is napping. If I move a leg he jumps up and circles. I'm just moving my leg!!! Stupid cat cries constantly for food at 3am she is old now though and blind and deaf so has no clue about life confused

Hattifattner Tue 26-Mar-13 09:57:23

Dog: 2 and a half hours out in the woods off lead (we got lost... blush ) and you come home and DIG UP MY GARDEN in the 25 minutes I was fetching the kids. Bitch.

Cat 1: 10 minutes to get through the cat flap at night. WHy?

Cat 2: In. Out. In. Out. In. Out. In. Out. In. Out. In. Out. In. Out. In. Out.In. Out. In. Out. In. Out. In. Out. In. Out. In. Out. In. Out. In. Out. In. Out. In. Out. In. Out. In. Out. In. Out. In. Out. In. Out. In. Out.

MsFlippingHeck Tue 26-Mar-13 10:37:33

I hate the dog. There I said it.

Mud fur slobber blood. Knocking the baby in the face, knocking the toddler over, licking the babies hand while he's got it hanging over the high chair tray. Stealing the toddlers food, barking and waking the baby, climbing in the sofa.

Always on edge watching following getting under my feet. Argh

Manchesterhistorygirl Tue 26-Mar-13 10:46:55

Thank god for this thread. I hate my dogs, hate them I tell you.

Senior dog always shadowing me and making me fall over him, but to be fair he does like being a lazy arse and lieing on the sofa all day.

Junior dog is a prat. He only likes his family and has to be convinced to speak to others without silly yapping barking when at home. Out and about? Best dog ever, oh hello new person wag, wag, wag. Prat.

Cats ok she's content to be in or out and isn't demanding at all, so that suits me.

Sheshelob Tue 26-Mar-13 10:55:20

This.

Dog: Arse. Lick. Arse. Lick. Quiver. Scrounge. Lick. Lick. Lick. Door. Door. Door. Scream (not bark) at Hoover. Scream (not bark) in public when lead is put on. Deep-thoat treat bone too fast. Spew bone foam all over bed. Slurp up bone foam like manna from heaven.

Hateful creature.

wildfig Tue 26-Mar-13 11:01:20

You need hounds. So far today it's been sleep pee food food sleep BARK AT BUILDERS sleep sleep. I will try, once again, to take them out for a walk this afternoon but it's so bollock-wizeningly cold here that for the past couple of days i've gone 600m out of the house to discover they've gone 500m, and are staging a baleful sit-in at the bottom of the hill.

Wouldn't mind the cold so much if it would freeze the effing mud. Sigh.

I often think about getting a moggy to deal with any mice but then tales like the bunny torturer put me off...

We had our big hairy bastard dog put to sleep last week (she was ill, it wasn't just because I hated her). I'm ashamed to admit it, but good god, the relief! My house is so tidy - no foot high layer of hair rolling around the floor the second I've hoovered! However in a last act of annoyance the vet bill was £159. No wonder the vets sent us a condolence card.

One down, two to go...

Sheshelob You've just described my yorkie to a T...except you missed out the pissing up the open back door/on the clean washing pile/on my pillow. Bastard.

pepperrabbit Tue 26-Mar-13 11:06:49

Still haven't forgiven the cat for the day I trod on a frog's eyeball and burst it with my bare foot.
<slipper obsessed>

duchesse Tue 26-Mar-13 11:07:35

<thanks ye gods her dogs aren't allowed upstairs or on furniture>

My two dogs fecking shed all year round. And when I sweep up or vacuum up the hair, they deliberately go and shed more on the clean floor, the feckers. I am seriously considering either Veet or varnish!!

ratspeaker Tue 26-Mar-13 11:10:34

Cat wants out.
yowls.
I open front door.
Cat hovers.
I shiver.
Doesnt like weather and holds me responsible.
Ambles to back door.
Yowls.
I open back door.
Blasted by wind.
Cat holds me responsible.
Ambles to front door.
Yowls...

rinse and repeat

We thought we had the house rabbit proofed.
Hah!
He's chewed a bunny shaped hole in the board we had up protecting wires and stuck his head through..
ooo Electric spaghetti!
Chomp.
Printer no longer working.

Sheshelob Tue 26-Mar-13 11:12:10

TooMany mine is part Yorkie - obviously the annoying part. The pissing we get is "Visitor!! Visitor!! Let me welcome them with a spiral - yes, a special spiral - of piss". If she peed on clean clothes she would have been recycled by now.

This is my favourite thread ever.

Pilfette Tue 26-Mar-13 12:20:12

pepperrabbit I think you just beat me in the frogs & yuk stakes grin

duchesse Tue 26-Mar-13 12:43:24

Just took Youngdog and cat (!) for a 2.5 mile walk and all serenity is restored mainly because the little feckers are now too tired for mischief.

AdoraBell Tue 26-Mar-13 13:07:11

See, this is why I don't have cats, pissing in baths/sinks, walking on kitchen surfaces, getting inside duvet covers, giving birth under the duvet on your bed while you sleep - friend of mine, I can't be doing with that kind of shit.

My GS's are too big to get in the sink, run away from the bath in case they get washed and are generally luffly. Except when the fuckers chew through pipes from the solar panels and rip the garden to shreds - I mean, who chews roses? they have thorns you idiots.

And they don't get on the beds or sofa because they know they'll get called Oi!, fingers clicked at them and a thumb over my shoulder indicating which direction they are to slink off - no mercy, megrin

SucksToBeMe Tue 26-Mar-13 13:25:45

grin at this thread!

TeggieCampbeggBlegg Tue 26-Mar-13 13:49:23

Overcat. psychic mustard.
will wake me up exactly 10 minutes before the alarm goes off. no matter what time that is.
bunch.

TeggieCampbeggBlegg Tue 26-Mar-13 13:50:00

and now my ducking phone won't let me swear. salary.

TeggieCampbeggBlegg Tue 26-Mar-13 13:50:20

blocks

My dog was spayed on Friday.

She is a 11 month old Lab banned from exercising, jumping up and getting excited. So basically banned from being a Labrador.

My entire being is spent trying to stop her doing something that will cause her entrails to spill on the floor. Bastard.

Mirage Tue 26-Mar-13 13:58:55

We don't have indoor pets,thank goodness.My current bete noir are sheep.They are bastards indeed.They can't be turned out because of the cold & snow,so have taken over every barn on the farm.I went in to fill the mangers yesterday and the evil things rushed at me because they could see 2 bags of feed in the corner on the other side of the gate.They nearly knocked me over and proceeded to trample each other in an effort to get into the bags.And they crapped all over the hay that I was trying to pitchfork up.Then all their lambs get excited and race around the shed in the same direction en masse,forming a kind of lamb vortex which you can't cross without getting legged over.

The ewes are very adept at jumping out of their pens and abandoning their newborns.I saw one jump a 3ft pen yesterday-had no idea they could jump so high,but at least if they are jumping out,they aren't squashing and suffocating their lambs.Grrrr,had enough already.

Compared to sheep,the ponies are no trouble,no mucking out because they live out all the time.DD2's pony has got very silly due to not being ridden so much and likes to freak out at stuff he's seen before every day,DD1's is a bit bitey and face pully,but ok to ride.The guinea pigs never give me any gyp.

duchesse Tue 26-Mar-13 14:05:57

pmsl at "lamb vortex".

greenhill Tue 26-Mar-13 14:08:56

What is it about doors and cats? If it is closed they want it open, then if it is open, they sit next to it and stare at it. I'm bored of the door opening/ closing game. It is too cold to play grin

We have never had a cat flap and have had our cat for 15 years, our neighbours tell us she goes into their house via the cat flap and eat their cat's food. No wonder the two of them fight when they see each other!

Also my lovely cat did an enormous fur ball that brought up its last meal...all over an Aran jumper in my wardrobe...it is a good thing I love her dearly.

AdoraBell Tue 26-Mar-13 14:09:08

YY, lamb vortex, classicgrin

Dogs and cats are shit pets. What you need is a lovely, cuddly panda grin

stinkyfluffycat Tue 26-Mar-13 14:15:50

GetOeuf I just mis - read your post as a "whole dead cow dragged in through the catflap". That really would be impressive, if harder to clear up than your average dead mouse...

ipswichwitch Tue 26-Mar-13 14:15:59

getoeuf we also have a sink-pissing cat. very elegantly balances all of her paws on the edge of the sink, and has superb aim down the plughole.

she has been known to wait --fall asleep--in the bath for hours waiting for someone to turn the tap on so she can have a drink. because the lovely filtered water special cat fountain isn't good enough. oh no.

there is no in/out dance at the minute as she hates weather of any sort, especially the wind, presumably because it blows her fur/up her bum the wrong way.

i believe she has found my life insurance policy documents since she has spent the last week lying on the stairs every morning waiting to trip me up in my half asleep stupor

purrpurr Tue 26-Mar-13 14:29:25

We have a frightfully sensitive moggy. Normally friendly and inquisitive, loves strangers (or just the strange), full of purrs and trills and flops (if I say 'hit the deck' in a particularly sugary voice, she will flop obligingly) but if me and my DH exchange so much as ONE cross word she'll go and wee on something.

We haven't exchanged a cross word since 2009.

Cats. Better than Relate.

Mirage Tue 26-Mar-13 14:45:19

grin Wish me luck,I'm about to enter into the fray again shortly.I'll try and film them next time they do it.

IpswichWitch - is there a right way for the wind to blow up your the cat's bum? grin

stopfightingandtidyupthismess Tue 26-Mar-13 14:50:36

I used to have a spaniel that would object to the wind blowing up her bum. She'd turn towards you and try to leap into your arms so you could carry her home. Unlikely, the whole point of us being out is that you WALK, dog!

AdoraBell Tue 26-Mar-13 14:54:24

Mrs my dogs are not shit petsangry although if I could I'd have a polar beargrin

duchesse Tue 26-Mar-13 14:56:08

My dogs are definitely shit pets the self serving little bastards. I shift about half a tonne of crap off the lawn every couple of days.

Erebus Tue 26-Mar-13 15:04:01

It's not often a MN thread makes me wee myself just a bit.

But this one has! grin

'lamb vortex'
'Much Loved' family pet being referred to as 'that little fucker'. Classic.

jollymary Tue 26-Mar-13 15:04:52

Laughing like a drain..... Fab. Just fab, all of you.

Cockadoodlequack Tue 26-Mar-13 15:13:01

I've laughed so hard at this thread grin

I can still vividly remember in my late teens, standing in the sunshine chatting to a new friend and her mum at my front gate, trying desperately to overcome my shyness and be cool and grown up. A car was coming down the road, and as it drew closer the accompanying freakish noise and ungodly smell became stronger. We stopped talking and all turned to look...

It was my parents and sister, returning from a park with our two labs. They burst out the car, sister half laughing/half panicking, parents yelling at me to open the back door, grab the doggy towels and get the dogs in the garden. The noise had been a combination of the dogs hacking and howling and crashing around in the car exploding D&V from both ends, and the horrified shouts of the human passengers as they raced to get all of them out of the confined space.

The smell was a mixture of violent doggy sick, violent doggy poo, stagnant pond water and days old curry (both undigested and stuck to the outside of the dogs, or partially digested, stuck to the dog and the inside of the car). They had disappeared into the trees, and were found several minutes later with their heads in a big black sack which had been dumped there who knows when, eating the bright yellow slop as fast as they could (which for a labrador, is pretty fast). They had already thrown themselves into a disgusting pond and tanked up on the water before being dragged out, so the lab-time-bomb was set.

The car door was opened and my friend and her mum stood well back as two lunatic dogs, covered in horrifc substances and barking away to make sure not a single neighbour missed the spectacle, bounded towards the garden where I was brandishing bonios to ensure they didn't fancy a detour round the house, stopping only to be sick by the gate.

After shutting the dogs outside, I went back round the front and said goodbye to my friend and her mum, neither of whom mentioned the spectacle still playing out in the wrecked car in front of them but left pretty quickly.

The shame. Cr^iiiiiii^nge. And Ewwww!

I have my own house now and a child. I don't have a dog. Whenever I think I would like one, I remember this story, or one of the many other (although less dramatic) stories I have to tell about this mad pair of hounds, and think again grin.

PipkinsPal Tue 26-Mar-13 15:18:37

My 2 cats are in, out, in, out etc. When they want to go out, I let them. As soon as they see me through the patio doors having a lovely sit down they are there wanting to come back in. The fat one Troy seems to think everytime he comes in or before he goes out he has to have some food. Barnaby has a special cry for water. No, not for the fresh water in his bowl but an extra bowl in the bath and the shower topped up for him to drink. FFS doesn't he realise I'm on a water meter?

Hmm. I'm not convinced that polar bears would make better pets. I for one don't fancy swapping dismembered rabbits for mutilated seals or penguins under the dining room table.

Chimpanzees on the other hand....

My bastard Staffie has developed the art of shit eating. She eats Senile Dog's shit, the cats shit if she gets into the baby-gated room where the litter box is situated...I've even caught her spinning around mid shit in the hope of ingesting her own. Garden is now sparkling as I practically have to catch it on the way out to stop this delicate habit.

The other day, distracted by the baby, I can only assume she got some before I did. An hour after she went out I heard that ominous pre-barf noise and flew out of the living room...in time to see her retching up what looked like the most enormous cow pat in history.

I don't do sick. I especially don't do shitty sick. How I didn't sick on the dog I don't know.

Now there is a lovely yellow stain all over the carpet. Every time she walks past it she sniffs it and snorts, as if to say "that's still there? You lot are fucking disgusting".

Yeah, 'cos I'M the one with issues here.

Bitch. In every sense.

I got laughed at in the last meeting I went to. I opened up my notes and they were covered in bad cats muddy paw prints. She is sat on my desk now staring at me, pretending to be all sweet and innocent, but in reality she's hoping that my very important letter is becoming well and truely mudified.

CMOTDibbler Tue 26-Mar-13 15:27:40

3 cats, 2 fish, 1 dog, 1 rabbit, 1 pony. I can just about cope with the mud/hair/decapitated things, but then I'm peacefully working, and dog drops a slobbery ball lovingly onto my keyboard. Or cat3 decides to drag a wild rabbit in and eat it while I'm giving a webinar. Then I think lovingly of a white, minimalistic flat in a city..

Tallyra Tue 26-Mar-13 15:31:50

Mimsy, I watched a 'Dog Whisperer' a few years ago that had a problem shit-eating dog, and he managed to persuade the dog to eat banana instead - something to do with the texture and the potassium. It made me not want to eat a banana for a very long time, but it helped the people on the programme....

TeggieCampbeggBlegg Tue 26-Mar-13 15:36:44

On another univers/time continuumthingy i live alone in a white minimalist apartment. And wear makeup and heels.

Tallyra Tue 26-Mar-13 15:43:59

Hmm. We bought a cream sofa when we got married.

Then we moved into a house with a neighbour that had a penchant for rescuing staffies from horrible people, and ended up with one of them. Now the sofa is a kind of speckled light/dark mud colour with the occasional spot of blood as he has managed to cut his paw ridiculously. As he is a staffie, it is impossible to keep a bandage on, stop him jumping, tugging, killing sticks (we have a log burner so there is a giant 'toy box' in both the living room and the garden) etc and keeping him off the sofa was a no-no from the moment we got him. We tried it the first day we got him and he was just so incredibly unhappy we gave in.

He now curls up on my lap on the sofa under a quilt. Or jumps all over us and shoves a tug toy in our faces or into our open hands. It's one or the other, rarely ever anything in between!

SecretLindtBunny Tue 26-Mar-13 15:46:44

I went over to the shop earlier and on the way back I saw one of the doors open for at least 5 minutes. As I was nearing it, a foot gently shoved a ct out and closed the door behind it. The cat licked one paw and turned around and went back in through the cat flap that was in the door just closed!

I grinned and thought of this thread.

birdofthenorth Tue 26-Mar-13 15:48:12

My doodles were groomed to an inch if their life today. I definitely love them more now they are not dreadlocked fiends dragging mud and dust through the house smile

doctorhamster Tue 26-Mar-13 16:00:21

My bastard cat keeps bringing his mates home to share his food, sleep on my sofas and infest the house with Fucking Fleas.

FeckOffCup Tue 26-Mar-13 16:17:01

Am crying with mirth at this thread it should be in classics.

My bastardcat was threatened with being turned into a pair of gloves yesterday for the crime of shitting behind the tv and pissing on DD's doll's bed (which thankfully is fabric and machine washable). She was shut in the kitchen last night for her misdemeanors and voiced her displeasure this morning until even my 2 year old said in exasperation "oh shut up <bastardcatname>".

TeggieCampbeggBlegg Tue 26-Mar-13 16:21:00

And it is nearly feeding time.

Orange cat will eat all his own then shove everyone else out the way and steal theirs.
Stupid cat will stand there looking sgupid and let others eat hers then get all upset.
They will jump up. I will shove thrm down. They will jump up. I will shove down. Up. Down. Up. Down. Up. Down.

The dogs will then want a walk. And it is cold.

Bastards.

TeggieCampbeggBlegg Tue 26-Mar-13 16:22:06

I actually hate them all.

TeggieCampbeggBlegg Tue 26-Mar-13 16:24:28

And having eaten too much orange cat is likely to puke somewhere.

happypotamus Tue 26-Mar-13 16:36:49

We have 3 cats.
Small Orange Cat randomly shits on the floor every so often. I was particularly unimpressed when I was just falling back to sleep at 4.45am after being awake with ill DC to hear him scratching around on our bedroom carpet before there was a horredous smell. He had chosen to shit on the spare uncovered duvet which had fallen on to the floor. The duvet was ruined and I never did get back to sleep.
2 long-haired white cats were a stupid idea as a pet. White fur is every fucking where. I vacuum and 6hrs later have to vacuum again. I spent a hour brushing fur off my coat before an important trip to London but it still didn't look much better. I couldn't even watch tv while doing it because they had knocked the cables that connect the Virgin box to the tv. They are perfectly litter tray trained, but do loose shits that get in their fur so we have to wash their shitty arses before the sit on the furniture. They stink.
One in particular is obsessed by my hair. He sits by me and licks/ chews it. Yesterday, while I was making an important phone call he constantly tried to climb on my shoulder (he is huge) to get to it.
They sit at the top of the stairs in the dark waiting to trip us up.

LisaMed Tue 26-Mar-13 16:46:40

Evil cat this morning was sitting in her lair by the radiator and started her pre-vomit song. She does the drama really well - five minutes of operatic 'I'm going to be sick' song and then two minutes of convulsive regurgitation noises and then one small teaspoon of froth. Except this morning she had the sick song, dragged herself across the living room carpet and then threw up into my slippers.

Not happy.

I have literally written a book about our cats.

TeggieCampbeggBlegg Tue 26-Mar-13 17:11:37

Dogs wslked.

Stupid big dog forgets he is old and knackered, jaunts like a puppy, then falls over and has trouble walking home.

Stupid small dog won't wear a coat, then shivvers and looks sad and tortured all the way.

And then i get in. My chin is frostbitten and the stupid cat is wailing for food. Again.

Bastards.

FeckOffCup Tue 26-Mar-13 17:40:01

I've just returned from the kitchen to find a fucking cat that doesn't even live here curled up on a kitchen chair, as if one furry nuisance isn't enough. I suspect this is because I have had to prop open the catflap because my thick cat is scared of it flapping in the wind, my kitchen is bloody freezing because of it and I can feel a draught coming under the door, now I'm going to have to buy a draught excluder. When this cat dies I am never getting another one, the bloody thing doesn't even like me it only goes to DH so I get all the work and none of the benefit.

TeggieCampbeggBlegg Tue 26-Mar-13 17:44:51

How can kittins be so lovely and so sweet and grow in to such utter bastards?

kiwigirl42 Tue 26-Mar-13 17:45:53

our pets are all over-spoilt pains in the arses.

Ragdoll 1: prima donna 'I'm considerably more well bred than you' type; expert at in out in out in out game; moults like a bastard

Ragdoll 2: mad fucker; wall eyed; uncertain parentage ? half squirrel; will take on anything (so much for being placid shock); expert at in out in out in out game; moults like a bastard

Moggie 3: old; most awful violin type wowl; stubborn fecker; expert at in out in out in out game; moults like a bastard

Labrador: slave to cats; will eat anything except bananas, funnily enough considering upthread, likes to roll in anything over 20 days dead; likes to eat shit and puke back; expert at in out in out in out game but not as good as cats; big scaredy cat who won't go out in dark by self; currently on state of high alert as has not yet been taken for walk - if I twitch an eyebrow she almost shits herself with excitement; moults like a bastard; shits her own body weight thrice daily

Rabbit: ungrateful, self serving little fecker who gives nothing back except crap

fucking bastard animals.

Potassium? Bananas? I have 10 bananas next to me.

<eyes dog>

Though I don't like bananas either. But banana vom more palatable than shitty vom. Just.

Now bastard loud cat is being bastard loud, and I'm trying to cook tea and all the cat food is in the car. She will have to starve.

Has anyone done the "picking up a cat as they're doing the barfing song" dance? I had to do that the other day and spent ages spinning around trying to decide if front or back door was closer. Which meant the projectile vom was neatly splattered in an arc all over the walls of our hallway. Was tempted to let bastard dog clean that up too.

abbyfromoz Tue 26-Mar-13 18:13:17

DD (almost 2) constantly shouting 'out dide! Out dide dirls! Do! Do way!'
Can you guess what i am shouting at our dogs all day?confused
Stinky, sniffy, food stealing, moping around, under feet, bum licking, jumping up, nutty barking at nothing, in out in out in out, begging, sneaky dogs! Can't hate them though... But do hate their blardy furr stuck to my socks arrrrgh!

abbyfromoz Tue 26-Mar-13 18:15:56

Aaah and lead pulling! Fingers snapping off from cold and they are pulling and wheezing. Will attach a sled soon. MUSH!

DollyTwat Tue 26-Mar-13 18:18:33

Don't tell anyone but I hate the guinea pig

It's my ds' pet but he doesn't do anything for it. Do I have to clean it out, feed it endless veg and hay. It's a pooing machine

It's never been friendly
I'm sorry, I'm a bad person

LisaMed Tue 26-Mar-13 18:22:28

The vom song - I know it well. Evil cat has skills in this. She has always eaten too fast, she didn't work out what flavour was until she was eight (she's nineteen now and evil). So you would hear her frantically stuffing her tabby face, then a pause, then 'yowl, yowl, yowwwwllll...' Then the most revolting, convulsive heaving noises. Then second hand catfood all over the carpet. She would go from the kitchen where there was lino to the dining room where there was carpet as she would only barf on carpet. Or slippers. Or once another cat. And then she immediately begs for more food! She can make a simple barf last twenty minutes.

SecretLindtBunny Tue 26-Mar-13 18:25:01

The comment about pulling reminded me of my old girl. Christ she could pull a tractor if needed she was so strong. My right arm is longer than my left by about two inches. I blame her even though the bitch has been dead 2.5 years

kiwigirl42 Tue 26-Mar-13 18:31:26

frantically stuffing her tabby face grin

only good thing about the greedy chocolate labrador - it'll eat cat sick if it beats me to it ... I make sure she does!

So far this evening

Cat wants to come in. Let cat in.
BigDog follows cat. Runs away every time cat looks at him.
LittleDog thinks this is a hilarious game and follows BigDog following the cat.
Cat gets pissed off, hisses and scratches BigDog.
BigDog cries and jumps on the sofa.
LittleDog copies BigDog.
Both dogs run over the sofa 4 times.

Cat walks away.
BigDog follows cat. Runs away when cat looks at him.
LittleDog follows
Cat pissed off, hisses, BigDog and little dog cry and run up and down the sofa.

Cat wants to go out. Let cat out.
30 seconds after I shut the door, BigDog wants to go out. Let BigDog out.
30 seconds after I shut the door, LittleDog wants to go out.

Cat wants to come on. Let cat in.
Sit down with coffee. Big dog wants to come in.
Get up, let BigDog in.
Sit down. Lift cup to drink coffee
LittleDog wants to come in. Get up. Let LittleDog in.

Sit down with slightly cold coffee. Cat miaows like a mad thing for food. Both dogs join in.
Get up, feed animals.
Throw cold coffee down the sink.

Cat walks away. Big dog follows. Little dog follows BigDog.

You know the rest.

Fucking stupid animals.

Passthesaltdear Tue 26-Mar-13 18:33:05

Cat shat on my bed so I took him to vetshmm The vet said its because he's not happyhmm The CAT is not happyconfused

JenaiMorris Tue 26-Mar-13 18:36:45

Pass, would you have been happier if the vet had given him a stern telling off?

usuallysickonaswing Tue 26-Mar-13 18:36:49

I have Bastardcat, who will lie lovingly purring on your knee until he is suddenly taken over by The Dark Side and sinks his teeth into your flesh, without warning. The Hitler 'tache should have been an omen.

Also Twonkdog, the most pointless animal on the planet. Gets out and follows random strangers through the countryside, proving himself to be harder to shake off than herpes. Has his own cell in the local dog kennels, where he normally ends up after one of his 'adventures'. He also steals food, particularly butter, has a tail that is exactly the right height to swipe wine glasses off the coffee table and despite being a labradoodle, moults enough hair to stuff a mattress on a daily basis.

And Fatlass, the retriever. She sits in mud and barks, mainly. Occasionally comes in to share her mud with us, and that's about it.

Then there's the shit. Oh, the shit. Soooooo much shit...

Cockadoodlequack Tue 26-Mar-13 18:39:41

Oh blimey, the pulling!

MadLab2 used to strain and pull so much his eyes would be rolling, his mouth foaming and he would make a noise like a donkey trapped in the air con. Nothing could convince him this wasn't necessary. SmallDog was apparently jealous of the evil glares we got from strangers when walking them, so decided to join in.... but developed the extra trick of shitting while walking in the hopes you wouldn't notice the trail of dog shit spread thinly along the pavement, therefore elicting better evil glares from passers by. Bastards.

abbyfromoz Tue 26-Mar-13 18:45:40

Have bought halti. Which mutt dog will be the lucky one to try it? Only one. 2 dogs.
Vet had one- thought pet warehouse would have 2... Nope only one. Should have bought one from the vet! confused
Ah they're following me again...

RandallPinkFloyd Tue 26-Mar-13 18:49:00

Whilst I was out of the house for the first time since Thursday, stupid sodding dog got bored and has eaten her collar.

Not chewed, eaten. All that's left is the buckle.

So now I'm back on poo monitor duties which in this weather means scouring in over a foot of snow for crapsicles.

Ridiculous animal.

Iatemyskinnyperson Tue 26-Mar-13 18:55:04

Do yours always lie in EXACTLY the wrong spot? Bottleneck in kitchen? There he is. Doorway in sitting room? Perfect for a little lie-down. I spend my life stepping over the fecker.

He is an ardent shit-eater. I have posted before about the grimmest of the grim. I shall not repeat, merely hint: ds2 caught short during D&V bug. Dog got there first. I couldn't look at him for days... blush

I must admit, I have used him strategically during those traumatic early toilet training days whistles innocently

Oh, the halti.

Bastard dog used to run sideways, like a crab, with her nose almost touching her shoulder whenever I put one of those on her. She would also do her "staffie screech" whilst doing it, and people would look at me like I was abusing her, not trying to take her for a lovely, peaceful walk.

Maryz Tue 26-Mar-13 18:56:24

This thread is an absolute disgrace.

You should all be reported to animal welfare and the police. I mean, if this is your attitude, what are you doing with animals in the first place.

Your animals want to be with you, because they love you (I have no idea why shock, but they do, the poor things).

I'm reporting this thread to mnhq in the hope that they can use your ip addresses to locate you all in real life, call the police and have you all arrested on animal cruelty charges.

I am rarely shocked by threads on mumsnet, but really, this is just dreadful.

Maryz Tue 26-Mar-13 18:57:05

<waits to see if anyone bites>

<glares at fatcat who seems to manage to take up the whole of a 6 ft sofa confused>

Toomuchtea Tue 26-Mar-13 18:58:01

The most bastardy of bastard things is the proliferation of those bloody cat videos. And cute cat photos all over EVERYWHERE. Why? Why? Isn't it enough to have the bastard animals at home without plastering them all over Facebook and YouTube? It's the virtual equivalent of cat shit and cat hair. Bloody everywhere.

Bastard cat hates me. And my daughter. And I was the one that rescued bastard cat and her two kittens, alas deceased; bastard cat carried on regardless. She hated her kittens too, and perked up no end once they both met their end on the road.

Cockadoodle, oh, you made me laugh...

Cockadoodlequack Tue 26-Mar-13 18:58:19

Randal, consider yourself lucky. We've discovered the occasional sock in the garden after StupidDog had attempted to digest it. But once she ate a teatowel. Devoured it without a trace. We only knew because we took her to the vets because she hadn't eaten her breakfast (could only be something serious to prevent that) and was looking sorry for herself. Multiple hundreds of £ and an operation later, the vet asked if we would like it back as it was almost completely intact (we think he was joking). StupidDog had actually choked down a teatowel, whole for nothing apart from her own enjoyment. She would do the same again. Dogs, wtf.

This thread is fantastic grin . We have no pets currently, but when I was younger we had a CuntHamster. Little bugger would hang from the top of his cage and aim a stream of piss out through the bars. Also would only sleep in his food dish. At first we thought it was just the dish that he liked, so we put his food in a different dish and his bedding in the first one. Nope, just moved on to the new food dish. Also, he appeared to have quite the taste for human blood.

We also had a SuicideFish. It's bowl was on a shelf in the kitchen. Every morning for about a week we came down to find SuicideFish flapping about in the sink, having catapulted itself out of the bowl and in to the sink. My mother finally put a pair of tights over the bowl to keep the fucker in.

RandallPinkFloyd Tue 26-Mar-13 19:00:44

You lie, from what I've seen you're in a state of permanent outrage. You big po you.

If anyone wants a truly terrible shit related story I could recount the time ridiculous dog got into the cat litter tray, ate cat shit, puked cat shit, ate cat shit puke.

Her breath was unpleasant to say the very least.

Salmotrutta Tue 26-Mar-13 19:07:18

Best. Thread. Ever.

grin

I have 2 bastards cats. They are too lazy to do anything but murder small furry animals and drink out of the toilet hmm.

We have to keep the lid down at all times now.

abbyfromoz Tue 26-Mar-13 19:09:25

I can't jeep a straight face reading these.
Yes muttdogs remind me of those fish that attach themselves to whales... Or the birds that sit in the hippos...hmmm meaning i am said hippo or whale... Metaphorically speaking.
Wherever i am, they are there... Bad enough having a 2y/o watch you piss. I have an entire audience.
Shall we talk about poo?
Muttiest of dogs (aka MD1) likes to roll in it- preferably straight after a bath. Au de mutt. What's that you see muttdog? Duck shit! Oi oi! Puppy foie gras!! Buon appetite!

RandallPinkFloyd Tue 26-Mar-13 19:11:47

Mine had to be unzipped as a puppy too Cock, she'd eaten a sock whole, it got wrapped around in her intestines and was rotting. Mmm. Thank god for pet insurance that's all I can say.

Since then she has learned much from this lesson. The list of non food items eaten consists of (but is not limited to) 4 bibs, numerous pairs of shoes, a pair of pyjamas, a bottle of bubble bath, 2 pairs of slippers, the beading from around the floor, the arm of a sofa, 3 slats from a set of horizontal blinds, her lead (leaving only the buckle again), the sky cable, several nappies (boaktastic), a leather boot, numerous pants and socks, a book, 2 DVD cases, a razor and now her second collar.

She's had to be crate trained for her own safety. Ridiculous animal.

LisaMed Tue 26-Mar-13 19:17:20

Salmotrutta not the toilet but the toilet paper - all we needed was a small lapse in concentration locking away the loo paper and evil cat would happen - instant confetti. I had a lovely cast iron kitchen roll holder that made it really easy to tear off one sheet at a time. Unfortunately it held evil cat's mortal enemy, paper on a roll. Grab, fall, kick confetti out of it.

Cockadoodlequack Tue 26-Mar-13 19:18:44

What the hell goes through heads when they eat these things? If anything?

My mum came home one day to find MadDog and StupidDog merrily eating the wall. Actually scraping the plaster off then eating it. shock

Ah, memories..... maybe I do need a dog....

<rereads thread>
<slaps self>

Toomuchtea Tue 26-Mar-13 19:22:27

Dog ate wall too. It was that old lime plaster stuff with horse hair and I think that was enough. <waits for Tescos joke>

HunterWellies Tue 26-Mar-13 19:23:58

Jack Russell Terroriser:

Barks head off in the car. Wakes baby.

Barks head off at the doorbell. Wakes baby.

Rolls in fox poo. Cleans self by rolling all over lounge rug.

Gets covered in mud. Jumps on bed.

Disappears down rabbit holes for five hours. Brings home ticks.

Sits at back door whining to go out everytime I get comfy on the sofa.

Sits at back door whining to come in everytime I get comfy on the sofa.

Prefers to divide poo into one thousand tiny pieces by snapping them off while crouching around the lawn so it takes me half an hour to make it child friendly again. Every fucking time.

kiwigirl42 Tue 26-Mar-13 19:26:09

god I'd love to have a piss alone. Always at least 2 of the feckers downstairs, usually the wall eyed Ragdoll and the fat labrador, just in case I decide to do a bit of cooking and drop something while I'm in there (apart from the obvious grin) and all 3 cats if I'm upstairs, one of them usually having a sychronised piss in the litter tray to keep me company

you'd never guess they were the most pampered pets in town hmm

Iatemyskinnyperson Tue 26-Mar-13 19:27:58

Maryz, nowhere on this thread has anyone documented cruelty to animals. Just animals being cruel to themselves through absolute & total stupidity.

RandallPinkFloyd Tue 26-Mar-13 19:28:17

Fuck knows what their logic is.

Mmm, this plastic bottle is ossom, oh is that my blood all over the floor, never mind, wonderful bottle is worth the pain. confused

When I was pregnant with ds1, the cats used to follow me to the loo every single bloody time - as if they didn't think I could be trusted to pee on my own, due to my delicate condition! As soon as I headed for the stairs, they would dash after me, and would both sit opposite the loo, on the edge of the bath, watching. Off putting, you will agree!

If I ever managed to make it upstairs without one of them noticing and sounding the alert, I would hear a thunder of paws as they ran up in a panic, for fear I had thrown myself in and drowned, I think!

I have a corner sofa, 7ft x 10ft. Where am I sitting? At the dining table, that's where.
The German shepherd is stretched out on one side with the cat lying on her head.
The irish setter pup is taking up the whole of the other end, he is only 6 months and is almost taller than my 8yo shepherd.

They are all getting shoved onto their beds in a minute.

Sailormercury Tue 26-Mar-13 19:41:31

I have a senior kitizen with dementia (16) that walks into empty rooms and cries extremely loudly for ages like she can't remember how to use an open door.
The little cat looks like a bizzare bat/cat/monkey hybrid and is a kleptomaniac. She has been known to drag cooked chickens out of carrier bags, remove the packaging and devour brazenly on the kitchen floor.

Flappingandflying Tue 26-Mar-13 19:46:36

We had a house bunny. It cost me a fortune in vets bills due to its teeth problems. Bit much for something that some would stew or turn into gloves. By the end he couldn't clean his backend to spent a lot of time flicking his paws and thumping. Husband and I had to use the baby bath to wash its bum in every three days. Sigh.

Thank you ladies for stopping me feeling dog broody.

TeggieCampbeggBlegg Tue 26-Mar-13 19:46:56

The Shit-Walk.
Why leave one steaming pile of shit when you can walk round shitting as you go? Thereby doing 107 shits rather than just one.

And while walking feel the need to squeeze out a shit every few metes. Getting sloppier and runnier each time

So mug-owner has to dangle 98 poo-bags. And attempt to pick up poo that is entirely liquid by the end.

I hate them.

Toomuchtea Tue 26-Mar-13 19:52:17

Or shit at the top of almost vertical bank outside a school gate so the bits of poo shoot down the bank for your owner to try and retrieve before all the DC emerge from school.

GoSuckEggs Tue 26-Mar-13 19:52:39

ah! I feel at home!

cat: shits in bath, pisses on any clothing discarded on floor. likes to do running jumps at shut window ( accidently headbutted a cactus and i almost DIED laughing, he was like this >> angry )
hide behind doors and attacks dogs. tried to excape out of the letter box
he truely is a twat of a cat.

dog 1: spends his WHOLE day doing one of 3 things:
slurping and sucking and licking his cock
following the cat around and licking his arse
trying to lick my face. fucking delightful.

dog 2: gets scared easily, and gets upset if he thinks you are telling him off.

abbyfromoz Tue 26-Mar-13 19:54:52

This-

http://www.cartoonstock.com/lowres/dre0347l.jpg

woopsidaisy Tue 26-Mar-13 20:02:39

We have a cat flap which cat can use.
I'm on sofa.
Cat meows at back door repeatedly until I open door. Door is beside flap.
Cat has made point.

Montypig Tue 26-Mar-13 20:03:41

Ok I am so with you all

Dog no 1 - saintly staffie but he does chew everything at the moment- and I mean everything - all the kids toys, my place mats, the sofa ....

Mad dog no2 - stalker dog she silently creeps under your feet and then trips you up to lick you to death

Chickens - actually they are quite cool at the mo

Pigs - fucking uselss fuckers who have turned my garden into the Somme - spent the weekend making a new enclosure for them which they broke out of within 5 mins - too frigging smart for their own good - and we love them both so I can't even eat them......

Oh yes and the mud

coffeeinbed Tue 26-Mar-13 20:17:04

Ha!
Idiot dog ate the plaster even without horse hair.
And the skiting boards - well, saves me on dusting! grin
He also poos 7 times a day.
Costs me a fortune in baggies - I'm a model citizen, me, always pick up.

SadGiantPanda Tue 26-Mar-13 20:19:39

Oh, it's you again. The panda hater.

sad

You've made me sad. sad Again. sad

SpringHeeledJack Tue 26-Mar-13 20:22:12

<marking place>

<and crying a bit>

theboob Tue 26-Mar-13 20:22:54

I bought my mum a border collie as it was a long time since pip had died and I thought it would do her good grin
she sends me pictures regular of what stupid dog has done now , wall chewing , getting out of cage , ripping up his bed , knocking mum flying on a walk .
Mum hates me now grin

Lucyellensmum95 Tue 26-Mar-13 20:25:02

My Bastard dog sleeps in our bed - i don;'t mind this too much as he keeps my feet warm. But now the fucker manages to wheedle himself INTO the duvet and pull it off me in the middle of the night.

His latest edearing trait cunting trick is to sit and growl at me and DP when it gets to about 11pm. He wants to go to bed, he will go from one to another - pacing up and down (tap tap tap tap tap on the laminate) sitting in front of us, growling hmm Telling us, its bedtime now! Last night DP went up before me, this wasn't good enough, he was up and down the stairs - whining and growling until i gave up and went to bed!

TeggieCampbeggBlegg Tue 26-Mar-13 20:26:18

Hello Panda. Aren't you dead yet?

Lucyellensmum95 Tue 26-Mar-13 20:28:19

Gosuckeggs I hear you re the cock licking - we used to have a rotweiller that did this, it would make my teeth itch - i now have an aversion to any eating noises at all - slurp slurp fucking slurp!!

SadGiantPanda Tue 26-Mar-13 20:31:38

I'm still here. You know, eating bamboo and sleeping and ... eating some more bamboo. I suppose you wouldn't know, you with your varied diet and such nonsense.

sad

woopsidaisy, I somehow read that as you having a flat cap that your cat can use and visions of your kitty looking like [[ http://www.google.ie/search?hl=en&client=chrome-mobile&biw=320&bih=238&tbm=isch&sa=1&ei=hARSUd_KCZKDhQfP_YDQBQ&q=cat+in+a+flat+cap&oq=cat+in+a+flat+cap&gs_l=mobile-gws-serp.12...3669.9160.0.10890.9.9.0.0.0.0.793.3898.2j2j4-1j0j4.9.0...0.0...1c.1j4.7.mobile-gws-serp.4Z6BhyRiI3k#biv=i%7C0%3Bd%7CzQW4EEjt3IngcM%3A this]]. grin grin
Also, you can find anything on the internet wink

SadGiantPanda Tue 26-Mar-13 20:33:08

I'm sorry, Lucyellensmum, but the thought of licking your Rottweiler's cock making your teeth itch almost cheered me up. Almost.

Blast. Your kitty looking like this

blush blush blush

crazynanna Tue 26-Mar-13 20:38:21

Cat knocked off dd's dresser and smashed: A £30 ball lamp, a figure of Marilyn Monroe which before crashing to the floor knocked the full length mirror and smashed that, all in order to get....a Hair bobble.

Which she carried to the hallway,dropped, and lost complete interest in it altogether hmm

Lucyellensmum95 Tue 26-Mar-13 20:43:07

panda hmm grin

What a mad, mad fred grin

To think I have been seriously considering to get a dog at some point in the near future.

I know better now grin.
It's a public service you are all providing!

SecretLindtBunny Tue 26-Mar-13 20:52:05

Pacific- for all the downsides of having pets, I'd never be without at leats one furry companion.

expatinscotland Tue 26-Mar-13 20:53:17

This is why I am in love with my daughter's Syrian piebald hamster.

The puppy is constantly under my feet tripping me up. She also wont wait for me to let her out in the morning and pees and shits on the kitchen floor. EVERY SODDING MORNING

The big dog is barking and pacing constantly, she is missing DH who is away this week. She jumps up on me every morning to say hello, she is 32kg Weimaraner.

Fuckers

DoTheBestThingsInLifeHaveFleas Tue 26-Mar-13 21:02:43

Oh this thread has made me laugh and cheered me up. I have an outdoor cat, as he will NOT be housetrained despite all efforts from us, vet, behavourist and even a 'cat whisperer' talking to him at great exspense. He has a hot water bottle and an igloo type bed in our boot room (so not actually outside) but then fills his bed with dead animal parts (mostly guts and the face) and then sleeps on the work bench?! As fast as I empty his bed, he refills it. I but new bed and the same. There is just no helping some people...
The dogs. Big one follows me about constantly and has to be actually touching me whenever I sit down. Little one hogs sofa or torments the poor big one all day. The horse is lame on 3 legs. He smashes about his stable on box rest. I turn him out in little restricted paddock (which is all he is allowed) and he stands looking forlorn and like no one loves him and shouts to come back in.... (he has company both in and out) ARGH
The tortoise has woken up (why???!!!!) and is trying to either mate or fight with its reflection in the bathroom mirror all day.
I love them all soooo, but ARGH.... and its soooooo cold :@(

Also, the puppy is chewing and shredding any paper she can get her paws on which is fine when it's junk mail not so fine when its my clinical placements records.

They both keep emptying the bin.

coffeeinbed Tue 26-Mar-13 21:10:55

Hamsters are cheeky buggers.
Let it out of sight for a moment and it tunnels though your most cherished first editions assortedJackieCollinspaperbacks only to be discovered when it gets a but whiffy.
Don't ask how I know.

Dragonboobs Tue 26-Mar-13 21:22:49

This thread has made me feel so much better about hating my cats for fucking well going in out in out in out and waking the baby! Bloody noisy bloody bastards.

Fleecyslippers Tue 26-Mar-13 21:36:30

I RESCUED the bastard cat. RESCUED her and all she fecking does is whine and cry and want in, then want out, then want in..... Oh and she vomits furballs and I've walked in them barefoot.

And I hate the dog. another bloody rescue. SaintFleecy of the animal rescuers is me. Yap, howl, bark, whinge, eat cat poo, chase cat, get twatted on face by cat, steal biscuits....

But those 2 are a piece of cake compared to the bloody pony. and I didn't even RESCUE the pony - I paid damn good money for her evil, stumpy little legged barrel body which nips/eats/throws head and nips again.

Hate em all grin

TheEasterQODdy Tue 26-Mar-13 21:56:02

We love our cat, we love him so much!

He bites us all the time. He attacks us, attacks our visitors, attacks us again and bites.

He has pots of treats in every room. He still bites.

Paddlinglikefluffyducklings Tue 26-Mar-13 22:13:24

I am currently upstairs, having had a nice relaxing bath, to hear otherhalf shouting 'bloody hell paddling dog!', from this I deduce that said puppy has just pissed, or worse on the floor. I am now waiting for the shout of 'paddling, come and sort the bloody dog out'!

Prior to bath, I could hear the scraping and skidding of paws on the wood floor, as he was doing the Wall of Death around the living room! ( the puppy that is not the other half )

luckily sadly our old cat died just before Christmas, or we would have two pissing animals, although she would usually make it to the downstairs shower.

To the person that said they have nothing more than a goldfish.......our goldfish are more trouble than they are worth, testing water, cleaning gravel and making sure the pumps work....when I was a kid they went in tap water, a plain bowl and lived for years. Currently one of ours is wobbling around the tank like its had too much gin, with a condition called 'swim bladder'

As I finish this post, I can hear 'go and lie down paddling dog, settle!, on your bed'.... I think I will go to my bed and avoid the lot of them.

Nagoo Tue 26-Mar-13 22:16:56

Please someone put this in Classics for the day I weaken my resolve not to get a dog.

JulieMumsnet (MNHQ) Tue 26-Mar-13 22:21:37

We've moved this into a different section for you wink

SecretLindtBunny Tue 26-Mar-13 22:22:08

grin

Nagoo Tue 26-Mar-13 22:22:30

Why thank you Julie. Most efficient service grin

duchesse Tue 26-Mar-13 22:23:33

No-one mentioned the feathered fuckers yet, chickens, or rather the cockerels they seem to hatch at alarming intervals. They have two lovely coops, diligently cleaned out and with electric lighting and corn at beak's reach. But oh no, that tree looks so much more comfy at -1C and in the driving rain that I think we'll perch there instead and crow our stupid heads off at 1:30 am, 3:30am, and 5 am onwards. All five of us.

<gibbers slightly whilst eying up the hatchet>

duchesse Tue 26-Mar-13 22:28:00

Ah, I see the thread has moved on somewhat since I last loaded it grin.

RandallPinkFloyd Tue 26-Mar-13 22:29:09

No way, than you Julie grin

Yay. I too nominated this thread for Classics, btw. Only time I have ever done that <struts about thread taking full credit for it's promotion to Classics> wink grin

I suppose I could grudgingly share the credit with Nagoo. And Taggie, for starting it <martyr>. grin

SecretLindtBunny Tue 26-Mar-13 22:44:01

I nominated the thread s well.

At least Taggie knows who to blame!grin

LizzieVereker Tue 26-Mar-13 22:46:34

Best. Thread. Ever. Haven't been able to see properly for a bit, as I got as far as "Cunt Hamster" and have been crying since.

Do wild animals count? I am being bullied by a robin. It is fond of DP as he is the gardener round these parts, and it comes to knock for him every day. I kid you not, it is on the back doorstep every freakin day, four times a day, shouting "Come out and dig up worms! COME OUT NOW and DIG WORMS my human minions!" in robin language.

I think it's going to come in and peck me soon. I wish it would feck off back to a Christmas card and stop hassling me.

doyouwantfrieswiththat Tue 26-Mar-13 22:54:18

tbf I create more hair balls than the cat, but I do keep a water pistol under my pillow for those times in the night when he expects me to be nocturnal too.

Lizzie, sorry for your pain and all, but I kind of love that you are being bullied by a robin. Have you ever seen The Birds? When they come to get you, it will be like that, but with many, many robins.

I was once bullied by a rat. He was a right wanker. Lived in our floorboards, but used to lie in wait until DP was asleep, then 'scritch scratch, scritch scratch, squeak, squeak, squeak'. Prick.

ipswichwitch Wed 27-Mar-13 01:25:57

SDTG, there is most definitely a right and wrong way for the wind to blow up our cats bum, as evidenced by the comedy facial expressions!! They range from properly indignant complete with huffy stalking indoors to mild surprise, ears flattened but standing still with tail in the air grin

The bigger knows the sound of a tin of tuna being removed from the cupboard too. Before I've even found the tin opener she's there, wrapped around my feet like novelty slippers. She's not fooled by the sound of a tin of beans or sweet corn.

lubeybooby Wed 27-Mar-13 01:32:58

Oh this thread is brilliant.

I have three cats. WHAT THE FUCK POSSESSED ME? I HATE them all, bastards, bastards, why, why why whyyyyyyyyyyyyyy why <sobs>

Bastardcat1: thinks she is a dog. Follows me everywhere, obsessed with food. has learnt new trick of sinking claws into my knee to get the 'I want food' point across. This replaces old tricks of drooling on me and sitting just looking at me for hours

Bastardcat2: long haired. sheds/moults enough fur to replace the wool of a thousand sheep every fucking hour day. LOVES to puke on rugs, especially where I am at most danger of standing in it, bleary eyed in the morning.

Bastardcat3: Just insane. Fearless and will climb anything. Does the constant in, out, in, out, in, fucking out, fucking in, ffs. Will not mew politely at the back door to come in like the other two, instead dramatically HURLING herself as high as possible at the front door, go go gadget claws engaged, scraping down as she goes.

If I close my bedroom door, she wanders around the house at night meowing to go out, waking us all up. If I keep it open, she repeatedly jumps on my bed, and does a whole routine of pawing at me and meowing, purring, settling down and getting comfy for a bit, then hurtling off for a mad half hour on the stairs before coming back to repeat the settling down process.

Little fuckers.

Oh and as a piece de resistance, Bastardcat1 like to leave a leaning tower of pooza by the dishwasher as soon as one of the other cats has dared to pee in the litter tray.

ipswichwitch Wed 27-Mar-13 01:43:14

I got bullied by a large hairy spider. Fucker used to appear from under the telly, march to the middle of the living room floor and give me the hairy eyeball(s, they have many). Bastard cat is so lazy she'd just sit there indifferent to my terror, with a "well aren't you going to deal with it? I have more important things to do like eating my own winnets" look on her face.

Flossbert Wed 27-Mar-13 05:47:55

I don't have any pets, thank god, but when I was a girl we had a cat, a goldfish and a hamster. The hamster, soon after the true noisibess of his nocturnal enterprises became apparent, had his cage on a trolley, which was wheeled into the bathroom every evening to allow me to sleep in peace. The little fucker was like Houdini and constantly escaped. In a fit of pique I threw away the "stopper" that he kept pushing out of the roof of his cage and instead placed the Children's Oxford Dictionary on top. He chewed through to Jelly in one night!

Also the cat once knocked the goldfish bowl onto a brand new mattress. The insurance refused to pay out as the damage was "not accidental". The claim handler must have been a bastard cat owner herself.

LtEveDallas Wed 27-Mar-13 06:25:48

Currently looking after my DNeices JRT. It hates other dogs, never been socialised. I take MuttDog to work every day, so JackDog had to come too...into an office with 6 other dogs.

Nightmare.

JackDog has snarled and whined all day. If PuppyDog has come anywhere near her she has snapped. Cue PuppyDog hiding under my desk in fear - PuppyDog is the size of a small giraffe. MuttDog tries to sleep in her normal position under my desk next to PuppyDog. DanDog wants play with his best friend PuppyDog - under my desk. JackDog takes exception to this and climbs into my lap. PrincessDog starts barking to remind everyone that she is the boss. Sets JackDog off. And on. And on. And on. Didn't get much work done yesterday.

Come home and JackDog goes straight to the rabbit hutch. She thinks there are rats underneath it again. Whine, bark, whine, bark, dig, whine, bark.

I go into feed the rabbits. EvilBun decides that I am the enemy because he is scared of whine, bark, whine, bark, dig, whine, bark and takes a chunk out of my ankle, I fall forward and knock CuteBun who jumps in fear onto the nesting box, the lid of which seesaws up and smacks me in the chin. Fucking hell.

JackDog won't come in no matter how much I call. At 8pm DD goes outside because she wants JackDog to sleep with her. JackDog comes to her call, but not before DD treads in a poo in the dark. Brilliant.

Everyone goes to bed. Lovely.

0130 this morning. JackDog starts being sick. Don't ask me what it was, but I now have 3 dog beds outside the back door coated that ill have to deal with later. And a pissed off MuttDog because all the beds are hers - JackDog avoided her own bed.

Could be worse, it could have been mine.

Oh, I love my animals so very much.

wannaBe Wed 27-Mar-13 07:01:25

and if all this isnt bad enough the feckin things die and leave you with distraught ds to deal with "can we get another rabbit mummy? please?" noooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Then there is the cat who has an overactive thyroid and who is hungry all. the. time! Who jumps into the bath for god knows what reason and who I found the other day asleep on top of the microwave! shock

And then there are the dogs. they're not allowed on the furniture or upstairs, but they will happily stand right behind me or lie right in the middle of doorways waiting for me to fall over them. They are guide dogs ffs (well one working, one retired) you would think they'd have some idea wouldn't you? bastards.

Pilfette Wed 27-Mar-13 08:16:43

Cat has recently discovered that there is a window by the computer desk. Now declines to use the catflap and knocks ever so politely on the window with his claws. The cat and I disagree: I think he's the pet, he clearly thinks I'm the pet.

Am still looking longingly at Cats Protection website waiting for it to be kitten season so I can get a another one to boss me around

TeggieCampbeggBlegg Wed 27-Mar-13 08:17:01

Nation of animal lovers.

My arse.

Although i am so cold, in bed after yet another night shift, i am considering the merits of maybe adopting a giant panda to snuggle and keep me warm.

TeggieCampbeggBlegg Wed 27-Mar-13 08:19:14

Of course the many cats and at least one dog think they are going to share my bed.

So comences a new battle to keep them out without them waking me up umpteen-millionth times.

Bastards

boris18 Wed 27-Mar-13 08:27:21

Small children eating tea. One (who has never been to the house before) looks down at the floor.

"Ooh can I have this little sausage?" Bends down to pick it up.

Cue one traumatised child holding a beautifully dissected mouse intestine with sweet little kidneys and liver attached.....Never came back.

RandallPinkFloyd Wed 27-Mar-13 08:36:07

Just though of a redeeming feature.

Ridiculous dog will eat spiders in command. She can fast asleep, all I have to do is quietly say "get the spider please" and she's up - chomp - back to sleep, all within 5 seconds.

Sorry, that's not in the spirit of the thread is it.

Queue Christmas

Large amount of expensive Hobbit lego painstakingly built by engrossed children - formed into a large battle scene in Playroom.

Christmas night, children in bed......................................really really weird screaming noise.........

Shouts on OH and we investigate - cat has a Robin, yes a fucking Robin, the symbol from a lovely Christmas card - and is dragging it about the kitchen as it squeals in torment.

I grab cat, OH takes Robin outside to dispatch it as there is blood everywhere and Robin too injured to live.

I follow the blood trail.............

Head into the Playroom. Cat has used the battle scene to massacre aforementioned Robin - centre of the scene is covered in feathers and blood all over fucking new carpet

Queue hoovering (carefully trying to avoid sucking up Golum) and scrubbing at gone midnight.

Bastard Cat

Cockadoodlequack Wed 27-Mar-13 09:09:20

Oh I'm so glad this is in classics where I can read it whenever the urge to get a pet strikes me.

Has any got a FuckingCockateil? My mum does, it was 'donated' to us as children by a neighbour who wild eyed and in broken english told my dad that his DD had problem with her ears hmm and his wife was 'crazy' hmm so the bird was ours now... This was about 19 years ago and the bastard is still alive.

SmallDog looks at FuckingImmortalCockateil. FIC squawks. SmallDog yaps. FIC squawks louder. SmallDog yaps louder. Squawk, yap, SQUAWK, YAP, fucking SQUAWK, BARK..... and so it goes on. Once the delicate balance of peace is restored, you know it's only a matter of time until someone dares to walk past the house, thus requiring SmallDog to yap... SQUAWK. Or SmallDog dares to walk past the bird cage...SQUAWK. Or, if peace has endured for too many mintutes in a row, the FuckingImmortalCockteil decides now is a good time to practice his limited repertoire of out of tune 'songs', taught to him nearly 20 years ago by the crazy wife of our neighbour.... YAP.

ARRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHH! BASTARDS!!!!!

SadGiantPanda Wed 27-Mar-13 09:43:00

Although i am so cold, in bed after yet another night shift, i am considering the merits of maybe adopting a giant panda to snuggle and keep me warm.

No chance.angry Go and cuddle up to a cockroach, they are much more successful at that evolution malarky than poor pandas.

sad

Cat1 to all cats on the street: You're dead you are. I am the stuff of nightmares. I will haunt you in the alleys and in your homes, I will come into your houses and fight you. I will steal your food. I will sleep on your bed and hoodwink your owners who will rejoice in my gorgeousness. I will hoodwink them so good they will tell my owners how gorgeous I am and that they don't mind me coming in and eating your food and beating you up.

Cat1 to new black cat on the street: Oh, are you hungry? Why don't you eat some of our food? There's plenty spare. Cold? Just curl up on the comfy chair, not a problem. I'll just sit and watch you, check you're ok.

Cat1 to us: I HATE YOU! <evil glare, slams door, runs off>

Cat1 to all visitors/all people on the street: I am lovely. Aren't I lovely? Don't you want me? I am lovely. Mmmm.... lovely me.

Cat2 (who is part-dog): sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, eat, eat, eat, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, eat, eat, eat, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep. Ooooh DS bathtime.... HUG ME NOW!

FeckOffCup Wed 27-Mar-13 13:42:07

I've just been to the pound shop and bought one of those water bottle squirters in case I find next door cat making itself at home again.

We've been trying that with intruder cat but it's just too quick! At the moment, we're picking up the bowls so there's nothing left lying around but it's tricky because we don't always remember and when we do remember, results in more moaning from cat1 and cat2!

abbyfromoz Wed 27-Mar-13 14:52:41

'What's that in your mouth Mookie? Hey Mookie Mooks! Silly moo! You have some woo

abbyfromoz Wed 27-Mar-13 15:00:12

Me- 11 years old
Aunts house
Picture the scene-
Beloved Mooks
<s>tortured <\s> adored by all my cousins
In slinks Mookie
"What's that I see Mookie? Hey Mookie Moo? What's that in your mouth? A bit of wool..string maybe... Will just give it a tug... Don't worry mookie just getting the wool out of your- OH MY GOD IT'S A MOUSE!"
Queue screaming....

Abby - I once went to pick up what I thought was the back end of a mouse - the tail was hanging down behind the radiator in the hall. I was a bit confused as to how the cats had actually managed to stuff a mouse's hindquarters up the radiator, but even so, it was a bit of a surprise when I touched the tail, and it moved!!

I went and sat on the dining table (in case it came after me, and could jump), and thought about what to do for a while, and then got the kitchen tongs and used them to extract the mouse, which I dumped into an empty waste paper basket. Then, in case the mouse could not only jump but was freakishly strong too, I put a tray on top of the bin, with a dictionary to weigh it down - and left it in the middle of the hall for dh to deal with when he came home!

For those with intruder cats....we have a catflap that operates with the cat's microchip - no intuders smile Lots of big cat faces pressed up at the door though - 'tis quite amusing as obviously they can't read and don't know what kind of flap it is grin

That's an exciting cat flap soontobe. DH has always resisted chipping them so far but you never know! Maybe this will be the catalyst grin

it's called Sureflap if you want a google - not cheap, but complete peace of mind - now if they could invent one that stopped her bringing in other assorted dead and live animals then I'd be first in the queue.

scratchandsniff Wed 27-Mar-13 17:39:40

I was dog sitting for my parents a few years ago. Took the two dogs for a lovely long walk and the fuckers decided to do their usual trick of running off. I swear they communicate telepathically "quick she's not looking 1, 2, 3, gooooooo". After searching through the undergrowth and sliding down a steep bank on my arse I found them tucking into a rotting deer carcass, big dog also had a roll in it, dead things and other animal shite seems to be like Chanel perfume to her. I got them home and a few hours later fed them and let them out for wee/poo. I was out that night and didn't get home until late and went straight to bed. I got up early to let them out. Well when I opened that kitchen door the stench hit me first then I took in the scene, it looked like someone had gone nuts with a bottle of Daddies sauce. Doggy diarrhoea everywhere. It's a large kitchen. I was retching and trying hard not to cry. I had to put Vicks under my nose to cope with it and carrier bags wrapped round my hands as I couldn't find gloves. The most disgusting thing I've ever had to do. Safe to say rotting deer didn't agree with their delicate stomachs. I couldn't be angry as they must have poorly. Good job I love the smelly things, the dogs that is.

Ohhhh god, scratchandsniff - that sounds vile! envy<- boak face!

scratchandsniff Wed 27-Mar-13 20:48:19

Actually who am I kidding, I did bloody cry, anyone would have. Seriously debated getting in my car and going home and pretending I hadn't seen it. Thought better of it as would have been a 'shit' end to parents weekend away.

WildThong Wed 27-Mar-13 20:58:36

My dsis had a great dog, Roy. Bastard kept biting me.
One day he ate my tights. Ha ha did he have a sore bum, looked like biscuit
She had to pull from one end..
Didn't even ladder, good tights.

kiwigirl42 Wed 27-Mar-13 21:18:43

fat choc lab discovered a long dead fish one day when I 'd taken DS and his two cousins for a walk round the lake and appeared with fish guts draped all over her. The smell was gangrenous. Drove home retching out the window with kids squealing while dog sat proudly in middle of back seat wrapped in newspaper.
Had to bath her 3 times to get rid of smell - once outside, once in DH's shower with tomato sauce (supposed to work for skunks and boy, this can't have been far off) and once in full bath. She still ponged for wks.

dirty, dirty fecker.

]]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4rb8aOzy9t4 Is this your BastardCat??]]

grin

I am crying and weeing myself with laughter at this thread!!
'good tight'
'eats cat shit vomit'

www.youtube.com/watch?v=4rb8aOzy9t4 Link fail due to wheezing

Oh gawd, I've killed a classic thread shockblush

<<attempts resuscitation>>

brickiemum Thu 28-Mar-13 15:26:46

Oldgitcat...suddenly develops ninja like skills at 5am every morning as he creeps into my bedroom, up on to my bed, purring all the time in a reassuring fashion. Then POW, claws go into the scalp of a sleeping brickiemum who can now be found swinging from the lampshade. Bastard.

Stupiddog....quivers with excitement if we so much as glance at our shoes. He's bloody huge and sits on the sofa next to you with his nose on yours peering into your eyes. No sense of personal space that dog. Came home last night with a cut paw pad and bounded about the whole house splatteting blood on everything. Shits his own body weight daily in tiny balls whilst continuing to shuffle along and spread it out. Sheds small ninja like white hairs that cannot physically be removed from jumpers. NASA needs to know about the sticking power of these babies, it'll revolutionalise space travel or something for sure....

greenhill Thu 28-Mar-13 18:18:44

I could knit a new cat with the amount of long black hair my cat moults daily.

OhChristHasRisenFENTON Thu 28-Mar-13 18:20:58

'tis true greenhill, - every time I empty the vacuum there's enough fur/hair in there to stuff a life-sized model of my dog.

We were selling our house a few years back. Estate agent had the back door key and was due to show a buyer round while we were away for the night.
Arrived back the next morning to a large pile of cat sick just in front of the door.
Nice.

On the subject of hamsters
my nan bought me a pair of gloves for Xmas and I foolishly left them on top of Hammy's cage.
Got up next morning and absently noticed that hamster bedding was the same colour as the gloves.
Thirty seconds later The light dawned...

2kidsintow Mon 01-Apr-13 13:45:49

Senile cat's main misdemeanors include

Jumping on our faces as a kitten to wake us up to play - ceased doing it after was once catapulted off the bed accidentally when trying that particular trick.

Drinking out of the toilet.

Costing us a fortune in blood tests, tablets and treats within which to hide said tablets to medicate his overactive thyroid.

Refusing to go outside now it isn't balmy and warm.,

Refusing to use the litter tray if it is places anywhere other than the hallway - where every visitor can smell see it when they come in.

Mind you - not going out means he can no longer bring in parts of mice for me to tread on in my bare feet - or live mice that run up my trouser leg when I kneel down to try and humanely catch them and release them.

Git!

SecretLindtBunny Mon 01-Apr-13 13:53:01

Mine forced me to go to bed for half an hour about an hour ago. He wanted to lie on my back purring and drooling.

Like an idiot I complied. Why the hell did I do it? He's a cat!

In our old house we had a visiting ginger tom that used to come in and bully our cats.
I was getting more and more wound up.Eventually he came through the cat flap one day while I was home,sauntered into the lounge, and I snuck in and locked the cat flap.
Grabbed orange juice and filled the soaker with it.

So I ran up to the tom, shouting and waving the hairbrush,intending to corner him at the (locked) flap for a soaking.
Or that was the intention.
Cat streaked to the door and took the entire catflap and fitting out. He managed a 90°turn and shot down the garden, still wearing the catflap.
Cost me £12 to replace the flap.

FeckOffCup Sun 07-Apr-13 16:59:06

Oh I was planning to do the sneaking round behind him and locking the catflap thing next time big stinky tomcat from next door comes in and bullies my cat so I can corner him to admininster a beating soaking but after poppets post maybe not.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now