What's the most barking thing you've witnessed at a mum's group?

(490 Posts)
Berts Wed 30-Jan-13 12:19:02

Not just the usual competitive, Stepford Mommies rubbish, but real 'back away now, slowly' stuff.

Mine was when one of the babies, ten months old fell over and banged his head. His mum picked him up to give him a cuddle (of course) but, when he didn't stop crying pretty quickly she stands him on her lap, looks him in the eye and starts barking: "Man up! Come on, Man up!"

Barking being the operative word...

CamperWidow Wed 30-Jan-13 12:38:32

I did see one mom retrieve her daughters cup from another child and proceed to scrub it clean - inside and out - with bleach and boiling water. The child hadn't drunk from it and there were only about 4 moms there so it was really awkward!

onetiredmummy Wed 30-Jan-13 12:47:28

This may be normal viewing to some of you but I would call it bat shit crazy

Baby is toddling around quite content to bang at the play kitchen & sort through the play food box. With mother following 2 paces behind cooing & what do we call this Imogen, THAT'S RIGHT its a saucepan well done. Good listening! And what do we use a saucepan for? That's riiiight.

Proceed to crouching behind poor bloody Imogen as she tries to eat her fruit constantly talking at her - what's this Imogen, its an apple, they grow on trees, do you like them, what colour is it, can you name another fruit, a banana well done, is a banana yellow, don't forget you have a drink, do you need a wee, do you need a poo, can you say banana in French, what words do you know in French, can you count in French, that's right, un deux trois etc YAY we can count in French how clever are we

LifeofPo Wed 30-Jan-13 12:50:33

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Psammead Wed 30-Jan-13 12:56:28

Haha. I am onetiredmummy's barking mum.

Not at a playgroup, but with two 'friends' I met at playgroup. They were ridiculously competitive. It would start with the 'Oh, bless, your dd has got her colours mixed up a bit! That's so cute, mine's known her colours since she was 3months old' kind of one upmanship, and by the end of every playdate had escalated into a slanging match. 'You smoke in front of her? Really? Do you not worry about giving her cancer?' and 'Such a shame you have to work and leave your dd to be brought up by strangers. Still, I suppose needs must' etc. and then we'd go home with cheery 'see you at mine next week!'. It was so weird. I did it three times before my nerves just totally gave out and I ditched the pair of them.

One of them tried to get me involved once. My dd banged her head and cried. Crazy mum tutted and said 'mine doesn't cry any more. She finds it embarrassing.' The babies were 11 months old. I swear to god those were her exact words.

This one was scary...

There were those foam playmats on the floor for the baby area...a mum was carrying her baby, tripped over the mat, and began to fall (seemed like slow motion), everyone screamed out as she was heading for babies lying on the floor and was also holding her own toddler.

Luckily another mum was standing nearby, so the falling mum threw her infant to the other mum (who thankfully caught her) and she used her hands to save herself from landing on the babies. The poor woman nearly did the splits. Toddler was crying and we all were semi poised above our seats...frozen...

The woman was so embarrassed and we all just wiped the sweat from our brows...


Another one was hilarious!! Two children started fighting and the inevitable argument happened... Mum A says "stop fighting please children"... Mum B says "no leave them to it - they will get over it then "...

Mum A and Mum B decend into an argument of epic proportions whilst we all hurredly tidy up and pretend it is not happening before getting the hell out of there!

drinkyourmilk Wed 30-Jan-13 13:08:07

Camper- I would have done that too. Lo has a medical condition causing v low immune system. So the cup would have been cleaned, and Lo has hands Milton wiped after playing with stuff. Or toys wiped before using them. Its that or not socialise.

Nancy66 Wed 30-Jan-13 13:13:02

When DD was about 18 months I took her to a music group. The teacher was a bit hippy dippy and weird - she kept going on about DD's innate sense of rhythm and feel for the music. (all she was doing was bashing a tambourine with a stick.)

At the next class she took me to one side and whispered that she had the 'gift' and that DD had been an Indian squaw in a past life and was expressing her sorrow through music in this life.

We didn't go again.

Psammead Wed 30-Jan-13 13:17:16

Ooh Nancy! Please tell me you replied 'I hope you kept the receipt' grin

HeeBeeGeebies Wed 30-Jan-13 13:17:59

I'm snorting at "my dd doesn't cry anymore, she finds it embarrassing." grin

OverlyYappyAlways Wed 30-Jan-13 13:21:05

I was helping tidy the toys away at one group, a little girl kept jumping on the bouncy castle so I left her for a bit and tidied everything else away, her mum was watching her, 10 minutes later she was still bouncing and I explained we were going home soon, all very child friendly voice etc, she ran to her mum and her mum told her to jump back on so she did. She was 3.

I just took the balls out and off her and deflated the bloody thing! She ran off crying and pointing at me, then her mother gave me terrible looks. grin

richardsimmonstanktop Wed 30-Jan-13 13:23:00

I met a woman at a baby group whose DD was the same age as mine - 6 months. She saw me changing DD's nappy and made a sympathetic face and said "Oh she's still in nappies? Maisie has been toilet trained since four months."

Luckily I was on the ball enough to tell her that DD had been too busy learning Latin to think about toilet training.

Labootin Wed 30-Jan-13 13:26:58

Elimination communication at six months old .. In the middle of the circle of mums singing wind the fucking bobbin on.

it was my first and only foray into mother and baby groups

The coffee was tepid (to avoid accidents) and the biscuits were shit and stale

richardsimmonstanktop Wed 30-Jan-13 13:28:40

Labootin maybe we were at the same group!

MaidenDevon Wed 30-Jan-13 13:32:31

One new mum at our group of very newborns regaling us with her story about how she had pierced her 2 month old daughter's ears herself with a kit she got off the internet as she didn't want her to go through the pain when she was older and babies can't feel pain/remember anything.

For a group of first time mums who were having palpatations at the thought of taking our little ones for their first vaccinations, we were all shock and clutched our pearls and babes in arms much closer to our matronly bosoms.

foreversunny Wed 30-Jan-13 13:33:00

That's brilliant Nancy66! What on earth was your response?!

Years ago, a mum and her son had been offered an unexpected lift home by another parent.

Her son had just turned 4 years old. She acquired a car seat which happened to be a group 1 baby car seat (the type you pick up and carry). She then went on to try and strap her 4 year old into the baby car seat.

Well as you can imagine, he wasn't willing to say the least. She eventually got him in, all arms and legs everywhere, only for him to roll the car seat over and attempt to walk with it on his back, while still being strapped into it. It was like watching some sort of giant, robotic, black tortoise.

She was a bizarre one.

We all pipped up and stepped in and he went home in suited sized car seat.

BertieBotts Wed 30-Jan-13 13:33:30

I used to attend a sure start playgroup in a deprived area, was very, er, eventful. The best thing was when one of the mums came in shouting and swearing at another mum for stealing her boyfriend (who was also the father of kids at the group shock)

Then there were the hangers-on who stayed for the company after their children were of school age and one whose children got taken into care shock but she still continued to come to the group and moan about the "bloody social" and how they wouldn't let her have enough access to her DC and how she'd be getting them back soon - FFS she threw her DD down the stairs and beat her with the metal part of a hoover sad There were a lot of arguments between the group members because the woman with school-aged DC was asked to stop coming but the woman whose kids were in care wasn't.

A couple of horrible ones - the mum who let her child run riot and terrorise all of the other children to massive cat's bum faces from all the other mums, she then obviously feels she ought to be seen doing something so starts slapping him really hard on his hands shock The worst thing was that the kid didn't even react, like he was used to it sad And then another time when a (different) child bit another one while his mum had popped out for a cigarette, that was horrifying. It was dealt with well within the group but then sparked lots of conversations about how people would "bite him back but you can't do that here, they watch you" sad

Aside from the incidents though it was a real lifeline for me at one time and very supportive.

chicaguapa Wed 30-Jan-13 13:36:32

I'll never forget being at an NCT coffee morning when one of the mums grabbed her daughter and gave her a hugh smack on the bum! shock Of all places! Not judging the smacking, but would you do it at an NCT coffee morning?

We still talk about her now and DC are 11!

motherofvikings Wed 30-Jan-13 13:40:43

Most mental thing was actually rather dangerous.

One mum thought it would be fine to get a jug of boiling water to warm her babies bottle. Which woul have been fine except she left it on the floor in the middle of the babies crawling area!!! shock

My ds (3yo) wandered over to see the babies and of course put his hand in it! I turned round to his shout (had been painting with dd) and quickly worked out what had happened and ran his hand under the tap for ages- despite his howls at it being cold!

I was livid but by the time I had sorted ds the session was almost over and she had left. hmm

Luckily ds was fine but it could have been so much worse if a crawling baby had tipped it on their face! shock

JambalayaCodfishPie Wed 30-Jan-13 13:41:05

My antenatal/baby group meets at a local sensory place, usually just the mums. On one occasion one of the babies dads came too.

The babies were at an exploring age, touch each others faces, hands etc.

My DD crawled over to another baby, and stroked her face. This dad then jumped in, pulled her hand away and barked, commando style. "We don't touch faces!!!!!!!!" Right in DD2s face. She was six months old!!!


The room just went

JambalayaCodfishPie Wed 30-Jan-13 13:41:45

The room just went silent

ThedementedPenguin Wed 30-Jan-13 13:43:56

Haha richardsimmons your response was excellent!

Catchingmockingbirds Wed 30-Jan-13 13:44:55

I read campers post and thought low immune system too.

Luckily I was on the ball enough to tell her that DD had been too busy learning Latin to think about toilet training

grin that is hilarious!!

Lottapianos Wed 30-Jan-13 13:45:46

'It was dealt with well within the group but then sparked lots of conversations about how people would "bite him back but you can't do that here, they watch you"'
shock and sad Poor kids.

'Not judging the smacking, but would you do it at an NCT coffee morning?'

I judge the smacking very much, NCT or anywhere else.

My colleague told me the other day that she was chatting with parents of a tiny baby who was born 2 months premature 3 months ago, so her adjusted age is about 1 month. The parents were saying that she is starting to pull herself up on furniture shock and that she can walk herself along when you hold her by the arms shock shock. Apparently their exact words were 'she'll definitely be walking soon' and it's all good because her dad 'walked when he was 4 months old'. The baby is one month old.shock shock shock Barking? Ignorant? Terrifying? Or all three? confused

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea Wed 30-Jan-13 13:46:15

Verbatim, I swear:

Breastfeeding mum: Oh, you've chosen to formula feed, how sad for your baby.

Formula feeding mum: I had no choice, I can't breastfeed.

BF mum: Everyone can breastfeed.

FF mum: No, not everyone can, I can't.

BF mum: Don't make excuses for your own selfishness, I pity your child.

FF mum: Oh just Fuck the Fuck off (storms off in huge tears).

Someone then informs BF mum that FF mum had had a double mastectomy.

Lottapianos Wed 30-Jan-13 13:48:03

shock at that BF mum Unexpected. I hope she was suitably mortified.

WipsGlitter Wed 30-Jan-13 13:58:10

Not mental but annoying, two mums (or possibly childminders) who talked all the way through a rhymetime session, every week. Drove me mad, I know we don't want to be singing wind the feckin bobbin, but the librarian women who ran it were really nice and put loads of effort in and all they could do was talk. Grrrr.

Nancy66 Wed 30-Jan-13 14:05:08

foreversunny - I was just terribly British and said things like: 'well I never.' and 'goodness me' and 'how interesting'....while backing slowly out of the room.

TeWiSavesTheDay Wed 30-Jan-13 14:07:37

Maybe you had to be there, but Once a mum shoved her pfbs drawing in front of another child's face "as inspiration"

I was shock and nearly crying from trying not to laugh.

Ponderingonaquandry Wed 30-Jan-13 14:09:38

With my first baby at a young mums baby massage class my dc decides that, at about 11-12 weeks of age in front of a large group of other mums, this would be a good place to roll over for the first time. Shocked me a bit but one of the other mums stood up, and pointed at us while ranting at the hv 'she's making her baby do that to show the rest of us up make it stop it' luckily the hv caught my bemused face and said the spiel about all babies being different giving me a get out and not needing to make a witty come back.

That woman was odd though. She turned up feeding her baby a bottle and 40mins later at the end of the class shed have another bottle fixed in his mouth whether the poor kid wanted one or not.

LadyMargolotta Wed 30-Jan-13 14:09:48

I once saw a toddler drinking milk from a sippy cup. Realised a couple of seconds later that the cup belonged to another toddler, and the milk was breastmilk grin

Ponderingonaquandry Wed 30-Jan-13 14:10:22

Wips they'll be childminders, they always do that sort of thing round here too. Winds me up something rotten!

stormforce10 Wed 30-Jan-13 14:14:24

My award goes to a mum who used to take her baby to a group I took DD to - dd now 7 so some time ago

She turned up with a mat which she proceeded to spread on the floor before giving her baby some toys which she wiped over with anti bacterial wipes first. When someone came in and innocently popped their baby down next to hers she stormed over and said "do you mind, that's my mat for my baby and I washed it specially for her so please can you keep your baby off it"

I did ask her if baby had an immune deficiency or another problem but she said no she just didn't like other peoples germs. hmm

(Wonder how baby got on when she went to school and got exposed to a whole school full of germs)

CelticPromise Wed 30-Jan-13 14:17:10

I've only been to sane groups smile

But once there was a meeting of the parish council or something in one of the rooms in the church building we used. The toddlers used two rooms and had the run of the corridor between them, it was safe as there was nowhere they could go. The council people got a bit warm and propped the fire door wide open and one little boy was brought back by a passer by having wandered down to the main road shock His mum was in the front room, dad in the back and each thought he was with the other. The people who opened the door daw nothing wrong in ithmm

RapunzelLetDownYourHair Wed 30-Jan-13 14:19:13

LadyM...if this was in SE London, then that was my DS!!!!!!

12ylnon Wed 30-Jan-13 14:20:39

Wow... aren't people strange.

I was once at the local village toddler group with a friend and there was a mum there who was... well, i believe the term is 'loud parenting'. You know, lovely, but really seemed to want everyone else to want to see how good a parent she was.

Anyway, her child tripped on the edge of a crash mat and fell onto it. The child (about 2) looked a bit shocked, but was ok, but this mum swooped down, picked her child up and made a huge fuss. She then opened a bag which i can only describe as a sizeable homeopathic pharmacy and shoved about 3 different sugar pills into the child's mouth.

Friend and i had a bit of a giggle about it when we got into the car afterwards!

RapunzelLetDownYourHair Wed 30-Jan-13 14:24:46

I used to volunatrily run a baby group, most parents/carers were lovely, but one week... we'd been closed the previous week because my DS was ill and I had no other volunteers to take over. I called
up the place it was held, asked them to put a notice
on the door. Next week back, all going well, everyone asking after DS when one woman starts properly shouting at me "How DARE I cancel last weeks group with no notice!!!" I was taken aback, and a friend pointed out I was a v

fairylightsinthesnow Wed 30-Jan-13 14:25:01

There's a dad that brings his brat son to a playgroup I go to. The older brother used to go as well. Both boys would monopolise the most popular toys like the Cosy Coupe and the dad would never ever suggest they let anyone else have a turn. I would try to distract DS who was desperate to have a go in it and say loudly, "maybe you'll get a turn later when x has had his" but the dad never took the hint. Eventually I just asked the dad if he could get x out and he looked at me as though I was crazy, "but he's playing with it", "yes, but he has had it for 20 mins and DS would like a turn", Dad refused saying there'd be ructions. Eventually when x got out briefly I grabbed DS and shoved him in then had to practically stand guard over him for his 5 min turn while this kid did everything including pulling DS's hair to try and get him out of the car. I told him not to, that it was DS's turn now and inevitably he ran crying to his dad, who just scooped him up and cuddled him. There were other incidents with other kids and the dad NEVER did a thing.

BlipbipBeep Wed 30-Jan-13 14:26:02

I think I used to be onetiredmummy's batty mum blush

I have now read so much MN that I'm almost ashamed when DS shouts things like "T.E.S.C.O spells SHOPS doesn't it mummy?"! he's three I should be proud FFS!

RapunzelLetDownYourHair Wed 30-Jan-13 14:26:08

bollocks iphone,

pointed out I was a volunteer.
shouting Mum says "well she gets child benefit and I pay a higher rate of tax so I AM PAYING HER BENEFIT and she should give something back".

She was a bit of an atrocious cunt.

JustAHolyFool Wed 30-Jan-13 14:26:57

Psammead "'mine doesn't cry any more. She finds it embarrassing.'" - ha ha ha ha.

Rapunzel shock

I'm laughing at 'finds it embarassing' too. And also at 'they watch you here' in a sad sort of way.

RapunzelLetDownYourHair Wed 30-Jan-13 14:29:56

There was loads of Playgroup Politics, glad I sacked it in.

HannahsSister40 Wed 30-Jan-13 14:31:27

breastfeeding 3 month old dd1 at a baby group, another Mum said
'you're not still doing that are you?
and with the same dd1, at a toddler group when 2 years old. She bit a little boy. He ran off screaming. His childminder came over with him, to show me the bite. It was horrendous: massive red teeth marks, she'd actually drawn blood. I was horrified and very apologetic.
I didn't go back. The group leader phoned me that night to see how I was- horrified is the word!(and dd1 is now a very lovely, polite non bitey 12 year old)

LadyMargolotta Wed 30-Jan-13 14:31:41

RapunzelLetDownYourHair - no - different country, and years ago, and wrongly or rightly, I never told either the mothers involved!

Berts Wed 30-Jan-13 14:38:38

'mine doesn't cry any more. She finds it embarrassing.' - roaring grin

youcanringmybell - that sounds like baby group directed by Michael Bay!

Indian Squaw in a past life grin grin

Most fascinating thing I ever saw was a real example of how children copy their parents.

The group is affiliated to the NCT and every now and then one of the NCT committee would come and check everything was ok. One committee member would bring her 3 year old daughter. The committee member always made a point of going round every parent in the group, chatting to them until she found something she could criticise, tell them they were wrong and then walk off to talk to the next person. Not nice. The fascinating thing was watching the 3 year old girl who would go round to every child in the group, play with them for a minute, then push or shove them before walking off to the next child.

The behaviour was so clearly the same as that of her Mum, just physical rather than verbal.

HazleNutt Wed 30-Jan-13 14:43:19

foreversunny I'm crying here picturing the carseat tortoise grin

Berts Wed 30-Jan-13 14:44:16

Rapunzel "I pay your child benefit" shock

HannahsSister40 Wed 30-Jan-13 14:51:11

the leader of a group I went to used to smack her daughter hard and talk to her in the most awful, nasty way, loudly in front of us. Made me so uncomfortable.

At another group, run by midwives when dd2 was a baby, one of the midwives took dd away from me and disappeared down the corridor with her, repeating that she 'needed to be fed'. She had been fed, repeatedly on and off all day long. She had colic...grrr.. I suspect the midwife thought I was a stupid young Mum (was 27) and now I'm middle aged wouldn't get the same patronising treatment. I ran after her down the corridor, took dd and left quickly.

RapunzelLetDownYourHair Wed 30-Jan-13 14:51:23

I was humbled, berts, truely.

Acandlelitshadow Wed 30-Jan-13 14:51:36

Probably the woman who spent the entire two hour session on her knees holding her almost-but-not-quite-walking baby up by the arms so it could 'walk' to whatever took its fancy. Was torn between hmm and grin but mostly grin

SkiBumMum Wed 30-Jan-13 14:55:17

This morning at (school) nursery drop off a mother unhoicked a sling thing off her back to let the pupil free. He shouted, stamped, screamed. She then sat on the sandpit lid and bf to calm him down. He's in the second intake so may still only be 3.5 I guess but seriously there's a time and a place.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea Wed 30-Jan-13 15:02:37

Lottapianos

No - she wasn't mortified at all. She just said "well, I didn't know" and carried on.

She generally behaved normally except when it came to breastfeeding.

She advocated that formula should only be available on prescription for women who were medically incapable of BF.

RapunzelLetDownYourHair Wed 30-Jan-13 15:03:03

SkiBumMum...really?! Are we going there? Ooh will there be a bunfight now?!

fuckadoodlepoopoo Wed 30-Jan-13 15:12:20

Unexpected. What a bitch! angry

At a playgroup, i was explaining to a mum how unwell my baby had been, and how at the tip of what i could cope with i had made the difficult decision to give my baby medication to stop to 8 times a day vomiting. The mediation was pretty harmless and my baby needed it as he was losing weight rapidly. The other mum shook her head, tutted, gave me that judgmental look that some do so well and said "yes but its medication isn't it". With how worried i was i could have slapped her. angry

Repunzel. shouting Mum says "well she gets child benefit and I pay a higher rate of tax so I AM PAYING HER BENEFIT and she should give something back".

. . . That doesn't even make sense! grin

RapunzelLetDownYourHair Wed 30-Jan-13 15:14:45

I know! She probably thought I should have grovelled at her feet and thanked her for my pennies (wot I spend on Heat magazine and takeaways)

I was at a meetup for another parenting site once. One of the other mothers spent half an hour barraging 19 month old dd with questions

What colour is that
What's this (holding up spoon/cup/toy)
How old are you
How old is your brother
What's your favourite book
What animal is this

She just kept going and going.

Dd could speak very well at th at age bit had selective mutism until she was 5 and just stared at her like she had two heads the whole time whilst I tried not to suffocate bfing ds1 in my attempts to contain my laughter.

I didn't bother going back to that group grin

I was once told in a laughing voice by a mother of a child who'd attacked ds2 (3 years younger than her child) that 'she's so wild, at home she drags her baby sister around by the hair'

shock well ok then, as long as she's beating up her own family too I guess it doesn't matter that my child is bleeding hmm

Jelly15 Wed 30-Jan-13 16:11:48

Ponderingonaquandry
"Wips they'll be childminders, they always do that sort of thing round here too. Winds me up something rotten!"

Funny that because it is the mums who gossip at song time in our playgroup and it winds us childminders up. Oh and the mums sit there ignoring their DC while the childminders end up supervising the lot, and the mums never help to tidy up.

Psammead Wed 30-Jan-13 16:17:26

Ooh, Summer, that's reminded me. I used to run a few english classes and play sessions for German pre-schoolers. One little girl was a bit hitty. Normally I'd not tell the mother if a child as a one-off thing was a bit rough with another. I'd handle it myself and that would be that. But after the third session it was obvious that this girl really was not aware of the rules as far as hitting/scratching etc were concerned, so I took her mother to one side and told her about it. Her response was to laugh and say 'Oh that? Don't worry about that, she does it at kindergarten too.'

Oh. That's ok then confused

CamperWidow Wed 30-Jan-13 16:29:40

Just to say, this little girl has no immune issues, her mother just has some serious social ones....... hmm

weegiemum Wed 30-Jan-13 16:50:03

The police came and arrested a mum at a class I was running!

flootshoot Wed 30-Jan-13 16:52:07

I've never seen anything mental. <jealous>

coughingbean Wed 30-Jan-13 16:53:08

Me either Floot sad

notso Wed 30-Jan-13 17:03:11

DS2 has a nut allergy and can't have anything with nuts or nut traces so the lovely old ladies who run the group always ok his snack with me first this often means he ends up with fruit and cheese when the others have fruit and a biscuit or cake and DS's snack has his name on so there is no mix ups.
One week a little girl (really spoiled won't share with anyone, the Mum doesn't intervene and will hold toys for her DD even though she might not play with them again the whole session) kept saying to her Mum
"I want that snack, I like cheese, I want that special one" over and over again,the Mum marched over and said
"what's the deal with the special snack?"
I explained about the nut allergy and was about to offer some of DS's cheese when she yelled to the ladies in the kitchen
"excuse me DD has allergies, she will require a special snack from now on, she will need cheese, fruit and cake"
When the leader asked what she was allergic to the mum said "I don't want to go into details but she needs cheese"

MrsMalinky Wed 30-Jan-13 17:05:51

My best one was at baby swimming class, or actually just afterwards in the (public) changing room.

One mother was very "loud parenting" her 4-5 month old baby, who was laying on a towel while she dried herself. " Yes I know darling its nearly time for some lovely milk darling..." Like we were all fascinated.....

Next thing she whips her swimming costume off while baby starts bawling. She whips out some PANPIPES and starts frolicking around like a mental naked elf.

There was COMPLETE SILENCE in the crowded changing room while she did this, other than the baby who obviously howled more. Brilliant .

coughingbean Wed 30-Jan-13 17:06:50

MrsMalinky Bahahahahaha

BertieBotts Wed 30-Jan-13 17:15:39

OMG, MrsMalinky. Quote of the week?? The mental image of that is just priceless.

VivaLeBeaver Wed 30-Jan-13 17:16:51

I was at my sisters house once and she had lots of her friends and their kids round.

We were in the sitting room. Dd was 6yo and there was a boy there who was 5yo. Dd was lying on the floor playing with something and this boy who has a reputation for been a handful ran up to her and kicked her in the mouth as if he was kicking a rugby ball. Dd was hysterical and I picked her up, never said anything to the boy as I was so shocked. His mum started ranting at me that it was my dd's fault for being on the floor. It was very obvious it wasn't an accident.

Same mum also had a baby who'd picked up dd's brand new stuffed cat. Baby was chewing the cats tail off. Dd asked the baby's dad if she could have her cat back (baby was on dads knee) and dad said no, she needed to share. I stood up and took the cat off the baby and gave it back to dd while giving dad an icy look. He was quite happy to sit there watching his baby wreck dd's new toy. I don't mind germ sharing but its a bit mean to tell a 6yo she has to put up with a baby chewing a hole in her new toy.

Ashoething Wed 30-Jan-13 17:17:04

I have never seen anything too mental but there was one really annoying mum at our toddler group. Talk about foghorn-leghorn! She was unbelievably LOUD and noone could ge a word in egdeways for her. She repeatedly used to put her hot cup of coffee on the table where the kids were having their snack! and she never once stayed to help tidy up-mind you there were a few that were good at playing that trick!

DieWilde13 Wed 30-Jan-13 17:17:05

pmsl. People now think that I am mental because I keep sniggering every time I think panpipes! grin

gallifrey Wed 30-Jan-13 17:18:55

I feel a bit left out now, the baby group I go to is fairly normal!

FrustratedSycamoresRocks Wed 30-Jan-13 17:23:51

I can't wait 'til I go back to baby groups.

MrsRajeshKoothrappali Wed 30-Jan-13 17:34:07

I never get to see naked panpipe playing.

sad

<sulks for bit>

<goes off to google>

Pandemoniaa Wed 30-Jan-13 17:36:00

When ds1 & 2 were pre-school age themselves, I helped out at a playgroup that was probably a forerunner for the Sure Start scheme. Things got quite eventful on the morning that Parent A discovered that the father of her 3 month old baby was the same bloke that had fathered Parent B's 3 month old baby. Parent A & B were sisters which made it all the worse. I still recall Parent B screeching "Why the fuck do you think I called the baby Brian then you stupid fucking cahhhhhh?" to a room full of babies, toddlers and parents. All of us stunned into silence.

I went to one on a regular basis. The leaders there had a policy that they would try to have a friendly chat to every adult. Sitting on my own one day watching ds2, who was 2.5 so playing very independently, I was trying to have minutes peace.

The leader came up to me.
Leader: Oh Hair are you trying to get some peace and quiet?
Me: Yes.

She then sat next to me and talked at me for 15 minutes. confused

Crying at the panpipes. grin

ItsOkayItsJustMyBreath Wed 30-Jan-13 17:51:06

MrsMalinky, you have well and truly tested my bladder control, that is priceless!

lljkk Wed 30-Jan-13 18:24:56

We had Health & Safety Gorn Mad mom.
She wanted to lock the doors to the toddler group. Had to be gently pointed out to her... that might be a fire risk?
She was very upset about hard floors, hot drinks present anywhere, loads of other stuff I forget.

Very ironic that this was at a group that is already ultra-high uptight about following PLA safety guidelines, everything is regimented if it has the slightest health & safety implications. Written policies, CRB checks, Huge First Aid kit, big warning signs up everywhere, etc. Luckily the group organiser took pity on her & pulled her aside to try to learn her to mellow out a bit.

H&SGM woman went to another local toddler group where they are (normal) laid back and her toddler ran into the kitchen whilst there; H&SGMW was angry that someone removed her child from the kitchen , she didn't seem to realise she was supposed to keep an eye on her child.

There was another mom I had a stand up row with at the Laid back group after she repeatedly & loudly referred to DS as "That horrid little boy". People gasp when I say that because I am so diffident IRL. After that, Other Mum systematically fell out with people everywhere she went locally, schools, toddler groups, etc. Keeping tabs on her was like Car Crash TV.

Oh hell. I forgot about the new weirdo at current toddler group.

Last week we were treated to a 10 minute rant about how ginger babies are 'evil bastards' according to her dp, her referring to her SN brother as 'slow, thick and not right in the head' and her monopolising every conversation with her boring loud stories. At one point the crazy cow pinched me hard enough to leave a mark ... I mean what's the etiquette if another mother pinches you? I went for stunned silence and jaw hitting the floor unfortunately, kind of wish I'd pinched her back!

By the end of the group myself and another woman had turned so far away in the effort to avoid eye contact we were sitting with our backs to her! The other 2 women there kept trying to change the conversation topic and she just steamrollered all over them

BiteTheTopsOffIcedGems Wed 30-Jan-13 19:04:52

I went to a toddlers group on a Monday morning at 9.30 in a vair posh town in a local church.
One of the mums got a huge bottle of vodka out of her Cath Kidston bag and started drinking it. She passed it round to the other mums and they all had some. Neat.

richardsimmonstanktop Wed 30-Jan-13 19:12:02

BiteTheTops shock

I co-run a parent & toddler group which seems very dull after this thread!
Incidentally, our CMs and Nannies are always first to jump in and help out.

Back when my youngest was a baby and we lived in an urban area I would sometimes drop into a surestart group in the 'dodgy' part of town and found... lots of lovely mums and dads admittedly nearly all single and half my age and a calm, welcoming group.

I have even attended some very naice music type groups and, to my great sadness, have yet to witness so much as one child counting to 10 in Mandarin sad

My life is so dull.

I was also laughing very audibly at the image of the carseat tortoise.

Ah ha - I missed BiteTheTops's post. There's my answer then...

MrsMargoLeadbetter Wed 30-Jan-13 19:24:21

Great thread.

At DS's first swimming lessons (4 months old, so basically being moved about by the parent), was "overtaken" by a competative mum. She sort of smirked as she passed.

I wasn't going slowly, just keeping in the formation of the rest of the parents. Was just so shock about her behaviour!

CelticPromise Wed 30-Jan-13 19:26:17

weegiemum what for??

Forever sunny I am crying tears of laughter imagining the robotic black tortoise.

whatatwat Wed 30-Jan-13 19:36:04

we went to a toddler group in a church hall, one time dh came with me, a mum started to breast feed in the room and shouted across the hall that dh had to leave the room cause she didnt want ''some weird bloke'' seeing her.
neither of us had noticed her even feeding until she shouted.

wearingpurple Wed 30-Jan-13 19:37:15

I was at my local breastfeeding support group, nice and informal, groups of us chatting away and feeding our babies, when some bloke strode in and, without further ado, starting evangelising about Elimination Communication.

In our confusion at the suddenness of it, we thought he was some kind of 'expert' speaking by invitation of the group leaders. But no. He was the partner of one of the mums who just thought he'd turn up for a spot of Friday morning mansplaining.

Margo, that's hilarious. I got a lovely image of this smug mother just Zooming her baby past everyone else grin

NeverKnowinglyUnderstood Wed 30-Jan-13 19:59:02

I have now wet myself laughing about the naked panpipe dancing elf mom..

infact so much so that I feel a name change coming on...

rhondajean Wed 30-Jan-13 20:01:44

Some of these are so funny!

I've worked in a lot of community centres over the years and my touchstone for bonkers is years back when the chair of the current parents and toddler group came sailing into my office to bawl me out complain loudly that some other group must have been using their teaspoons.

She knew this apparently because the barrel ? Cup? Bit the sugar goes in haha of the spoons were scratched and when she had polished them and put them away in their locked cupboard after the last session they were not scratched.

I found it somewhat hard to remain sympathetic, especially as she interrupted me in the middle of dealing with a potentially difficult staffing/child protection issue!

I took youngest charge to a new playgroup, everyone seemed very nice and we where all chatting, one mum made me a cup of tea...then I mentioned I was her nanny...everyone stopped talkingtto me and the mum who'd made my tea strolled over and took it off the side and poured the rest away...nosingle parent spoke to me after that
It was so weird

Pan pipes is epic!

MrsMushroom Wed 30-Jan-13 20:11:23

Went to a Steiner based playgroup WHEN dd was 2...DD was shock when offered a bowl of knitted gnomes with no faces. Then the leader said "well come and play in the sensory corner" and took DD to a basket of wood...you know like what you put on the fire? Well a big basket of that...full of splinters.

Then it was time to bake bread for lunch and the kids were allowed to run riot...some older boys were playing cricket in the yard with a lump of wood and a ball and whacking one another with the wood.

The woman gave us a piece of some herb to carry in with us which I now know was to cleanse the area of any negative energy we might carry in!

bumhead Wed 30-Jan-13 20:20:05

I'm loving these stories!
I never went to any groups as such because I had chronic PND and couldn't cope with them at the time.
After reading some of these stories I really wish I had

DameFanny Wed 30-Jan-13 20:24:16

Pan pipes! Pan pipes!

Crying laughing.

Pan pipes!

BiteTheTopsOffIcedGems Wed 30-Jan-13 20:28:14

I go to another one now. Even there recently 2 mums who disiked each other started and argument which ended in fighting. It was horrible. They were pulling hair and shouting whilst the children around them just carried on driving around in little tykes cars.
I just sat there with a shock and a biscuit as they shouted sweary words at each other.
It was more like bare knuckle fight club than mum and baby club.

I think I can safely guess that pan pipes lady may have been named
Mrs Rumplestiltskin......

FreePeaceSweet Wed 30-Jan-13 20:35:12

Might out myself with this but hey...

First of all there was the mum who invited me and another lady back to hers for tea. Cue the phone call to her dh asking him to get dressed, clear the couch and tidy up a bit. Also to wipe the cum up off the dining table if he already hadn't. I'm not kidding. She didn't know we could hear her. I'm ashamed to say I faked a headache and went home. I was worried about what would be waiting when we arrived.

Another one. I was new to the area and one of my friends who moved here before me invited me to "Rhyme Time" with dd1 in the hope of getting to know new people. Everything was fine and no one was being weird. Her new friends seemed really nice too. She sits next to me and says "A few of us are meeting up on Friday and taking the babies to that pub that's just been refurbed. We'll probably have lunch and then take them to the park..." "Ooh, that sounds lovely!" I say enthusiastically. "So, I'll meet you by the library about 2.30 then? We'll be done by then I think." Erm yeah. Cheers for that. hmm Our friendship slowly fizzled out after that.

I went to three baby and toddler groups regularly for seven years, and then went on to help at one for another three years after that. I also took one or another of the DCs to parent & infant swimming sessions for years. Nothing weird ever happened! I'm a bit disappointed now, especially after reading about panpipe lady.

I've remembered something!

When we took the DTs swimming, both DH and I had to get in the water with them until they were about three. One of the dads from swimming (who also came to Toddler group) is a newsreader / reporter for the BBC. Every time this man read the evening news, DH felt the need to point out that he'd seen his winky in the changing rooms.

akaemmafrost Wed 30-Jan-13 20:43:19

A fully chicken poxed two year old child marauding into the baby fit where she fell on top of my 8 month old dd who came down with it about a week later. angry I was.

Oh and then there was the cow boy with long hair and a Stetson on who came with his childminder wife to "help" with her mindees. He stunk of fags and booze and told us all about his gun collection shock disarmed, apparently but still.........I couldn't fathom who could meet this man and decided that this was the CM for them! But they always had mindees.

soverylucky Wed 30-Jan-13 20:44:32

freepeace is it possible she said "wipe the crumbs of the dining room table"?

eminemmerdale Wed 30-Jan-13 20:46:06

I had to do a work related talk at a childrens centre in a suburb of townrecently , it's a fairly deprived area, but I've worked with the homeless, violent teenagers and all sorts in my varied career so was quite happy to go along. First off, all the mums were wearing slippers, which is fine but, well a bit odd, I thought they may have taken their shoes off...but no they stroll there like that every week apparently. As I started talking (it was quite informal, but what I was saying did need to be listened to sort of thing,) one little boy started shouting. I smiled indulgently, like you do, and the beslippered mother screeched 'will you shut it, this laydee is telling me abaht how to get a job so I don't have to deal wiv you all day' The leader sort of sighed and said 'now, chantelle, haven't we discussed inappropriate language in front of little jordan before?' 'You might of, but I ent' was the reply. All the others just sat there and one said 'well carry on then luv'.

giraffesCantEatNHSPotatoes Wed 30-Jan-13 20:47:09

not sure if it s the right style of thing but it popped in to my head as a memorable moment...when a toddler got stuck in a wooden dolls high chair! He was stuck for ages! Eventually the thing had to be taken apart with screw drivers.

melonribena Wed 30-Jan-13 20:48:09

I had a strange experience this week. It was a very busy baby / toddler group but there was a quieter corner with comfy chairs where the mums and younger babies seemed to congregate.

One mum with a teeny baby of only a few weeks old started breast feeding under a big elaborate cape. Loads of people smiled at her, offered her tea, was all lovely.

Another mum of a baby about 5/6 months old joined her and breastfed under a huge wrap she was wearing. Also lots of positivity for her.

My 6 month old decided he wanted feeding so I pulled down my top and discretely as possible fed him. I used my hair - very long - and scarf to desperate over the exposed flesh but didn't bother with a cover. I used to feed under a muslin when out but ds objects to it now and pulls it off, so i just try and get on with feeding and be as discrete as I can be.

Anyway! For some reason when I looked around I was getting a huge amount of dodgy looks and frowns. I'm not a hugely confident person anyway so I quickly finished and moved away.

Not sure what caused the looks but was pretty mental and upsetting!

melonribena Wed 30-Jan-13 20:49:07

Drape not desperate!

A lady questions everybody under 30, or looking a bit rough, about how they afford to live in the area. She loathes me because she can't work out my finances.

Same lady does not let her child beyond an arm length, the poor sausage looks so bored.

giraffesCantEatNHSPotatoes Wed 30-Jan-13 20:53:30

The tortoise car seat one has just made me wheeze and snort with laughter.

UterusUterusGhali Wed 30-Jan-13 20:55:37

These are brill!
Love the robot tortoise boy!

FreePeaceSweet Wed 30-Jan-13 20:58:23

Soverylucky I was paraphrasing but she definitely said 'cum'. I was warned that this was not unusual behaviour by someone who'd been there waaay before me. Her dh also "Accidentally on purpose" wanders into the living room starkers. Legend has it of course grin

MrsMushroom Wed 30-Jan-13 20:58:50

eminemmerdale I know this is a light hearted thread but that sort of attitude is horrible. Yours I mean. Not "Chantelle's" why take the piss out of people who as you say are deprived and you're meant to be a professional.

jellybeans Wed 30-Jan-13 21:04:23

I have been to a lots of toddler groups. Most awkward was probably either one which was run by retired teachers who used to treat us all like children and do the fingers on lips sssshhh at us. We were told off if our child didn't sit through the talk they did before they could play. Worst of all they did some very controversial 'talks' about gay people and 'foreigners'.

Another time one of the mums spilled hot tea on another child. The mum was livid and everyone was watching. It was soooo awkward.

Other time was when myself and another young mum were chatting and watching our kids and the leader assumed because we were youngest mums there we were the ones who had left our kids outside the building asleep in pushchairs! She was suitably. embarrassed when she realised it was some childminders that had.

tasmaniandevilchaser Wed 30-Jan-13 21:05:49

This obviously needs to be moved to classics.

I have just laughed myself hoarse at the mental naked panpipes elf, the car seat tortoise as well!

I fell quite short changed all the groups I've been to have been quite normal.

Waferthinmint Wed 30-Jan-13 21:07:05

FreePeaceSweet Wed 30-Jan-13 20:35:12

Are you sure it wasn't 'wipe the CRUMBS off the dining room table?' ;-)

Bearfrills Wed 30-Jan-13 21:08:15

I haven't really seen any bizarro behaviour other than everyone in a baby group we went to passing around a certain GF book like it was The Bible. I wasn't using GF and just let the baby nap/feed, etc on demand. I was very seriously asked: "but how will she know when to eat/sleep if you don't put a schedule in place?"

I was also asked at a different group where I was the only mum not doing Baby Sign classes: "but how will you know what your baby wants?"

That's about as wild as it gets.

fuckadoodlepoopoo Wed 30-Jan-13 21:10:29

Whatatwat. So what did you and your dh do? Did you actually get up and leave?

Wearingpurple. What the hell is elimination communication!?

Bearfrills Wed 30-Jan-13 21:12:26

I was wondering that too. What is elimination communication? It's been mentioned on a few threads.

When ds was small, I took him to a baby and toddler group where these 2 mums would ask people to get out of the comfy chairs as they needed to bf, they would then lift their tops completely, so both breasts completely exposed, I would often need to bf ds, but would always attempt some discretion, never knew where to look!

TeWiSavesTheDay Wed 30-Jan-13 21:14:52

Elimination communication involves watching your baby very very carefully, pretty much from birth for signs they are about to wee or poo (you try and associate noises with weeing/pooing to make it easier) and then quickly putting a potty under them.

I suspect wipe clean floors are a good idea if you want to try it...

fuckadoodlepoopoo Wed 30-Jan-13 21:16:48

Oh that!

Bearfrills Wed 30-Jan-13 21:19:19

That sounds like a hell of a lot of work. Does it actually work or is it done purely for Smug Points?

I'm having flashbacks to the time I was changing DD on my mum's sofa and in the five seconds between removing the old nappy and sliding in the new one she began to shit and kept on shitting. It was like a Mr Whippy machine designed by Satan himself and I had to clean her, the sofa, the floor, mum's dog who got too close ....

I wouldn't be able to cope with it happening in the middle of Tesco or on the bus.

TeWiSavesTheDay Wed 30-Jan-13 21:23:29

grin bear!

Supposedly it works. I don't think they claim that the DC will go to the toilet independently any earlier than babies in nappies so unless you really can't afford nappies and live in a wipe clean house I don't really see the point confused who wants to make potty training last three whole years?!

pictish Wed 30-Jan-13 21:24:18

I haven't seen anything totally crazy, but I do remember one group I tried where the organiser would stop in the middle of the session and make the kids hug this big, ugly, manky stuffed Humpty she called FOG (Friend of God) and then sing some songs about Jesus and how lovely he was.

I only went once.

whatatwat Wed 30-Jan-13 21:26:23

fuckadoodlepoopoo
hell no we didnt, i pointed out that it was a toddlers, not a mother and baby group and that he was just as allowed to be there as she was.

BooksandaCuppa Wed 30-Jan-13 21:27:50

There was a toddler group I went to once in a less than desirable area.

A woman was taking orders for stolen 'premium' pushchairs...and by that I think she meant stolen to order from other people, not from shops (not that that's better or worse morally, just more...brazen?).

I did only go the once.

Meglet Wed 30-Jan-13 21:30:23

I used to take DD to a fun but poncy toddler music group. One of the other little boys was handing around some home made (and clearly pre-schooler decorated) biscuits because it was his birthday. I said something along the lines of "thank you. Have you been making biscuits with your mummy? smile". And his mum snapped back at me "He made them all by himself" .

Silly me for underestimating little Hestons culinary skills.

eminemmerdale Wed 30-Jan-13 21:30:59

I apologise. there have been other people on this thread discussing 'dodgy areas' and 'funny things' that 'dperived' people have said. I didnt see any nasty remarks directed at them.

eminemmerdale Wed 30-Jan-13 21:32:01

Was I actually taking the piss? Please tell me if everyone thinks that.

MollyMurphy Wed 30-Jan-13 21:33:46

Well, not a group per se, but the more bizarre parenting behaviour I've seen was at a friends birthday dinner held at a restaurant. This couple, lets call them Bob and Karen, had been practicing elimination communication with their 4 month old from birth (their version of it anyway).

They spent the entire party asking the poor kid - do you have to go pee?, how about poop? Bob I think he has to go, he has a look about him! Take him to the bathroom again Bob I'm sure he has to go....Jr are you ready to pee yet? Bob spent the whole dinner in the bathroom holding the child over the toilet.

Jr didn't have to go until they left - we saw them hovering him over the pavement outside of their car while he pooped in the parking lot hmm.

2 people have never made parenting look less fun.

Viviennemary Wed 30-Jan-13 21:33:55

A mum having hysterics about which toys went back in which cupboard and if they all didn't go on the right shelf in the right cupboard then they wouldn't all fit in. She proceeded to take them all again. That we'd just put away. I beat a hasty retreat and thank goodness don't have to suffer that any more!

helpyourself Wed 30-Jan-13 21:33:56

Slightly off topic, but this happened 10 years ago and haunts me still...
Toddler is pushchair at a city farm, goat goes over sniffs at babe, who is holding a rusk and chews hard
His hand was like a fucking hamburger. shock
Mum pushed him over to a member of staff and asked to see a manager and was ranting and raving and asking to see risk assessments and H&S policies.
His hand was like something out of a horror movie.

pictish Wed 30-Jan-13 21:38:08

Vivienne - I have experienced the same. Me and my mate thought we were being helpful putting the toys away but we did it wrong. And boy did we know it! She came stamping over all red faced and abrupt and pretty much told us off before making a big show of heaving them all out again looking very out out. confused

Ok fair enough they go in in a certain way...but her manner was shock

pictish Wed 30-Jan-13 21:39:23

put out rather...

fuckadoodlepoopoo Wed 30-Jan-13 21:39:44

I used to go to one where the lady running the group was mostly interested in selling things to the new mums. She wasn't much interested in me as she knew i wasn't as well off as the others and she made it pretty obvious. Even said "who are you?" when i walked in, even though she knew exactly who i was and had been the one who had invited me to the group (before she found out i wasn't rich).

There was also the older kid of one of the mums who would turn up at the end of each session and play the drums as loud as she could, making all the babies cry and her mum wouldn't say a word.

And the one where the kid hit another one right round the head with a book and the mum, who was busy on the phone, went over and just patted her child on the head!

The one where the mum ranted about not wanting sn kids in her child's classes at school because they would take precious attention away from her child apparently. I told her what i thought of that!

The mum who pushed my child in anger. I was so shocked i didn't even say anything. I couldn't believe my eyes! Later found out she's a childminder shock

The playgroup leader who stood up in front of everyone and used me as a example of what NOT to do. She completely humiliated me sad

The one where my dc poked another child and the child's mum preceded to list all the naughty things she felt my child had done in the two minutes since she had arrived. These were mostly imaginary slights against her pfb. I wanted to tell her where to go but she looked well rough!

The mum who tried to sell herself as a fun party entertainer whilst sitting scowling at all the kids.

JollyRedGiant Wed 30-Jan-13 21:43:10

I thought the mums around here were weird, but it appears not.

fuckadoodlepoopoo Wed 30-Jan-13 21:44:04

emerdale. I thought what you said was fine. The issue clearly wasn't that she was poor or whatever but that she spoke to her child in a shocking way. I didn't really understand that other posters reaction.

eminemmerdale Wed 30-Jan-13 21:45:47

Thank you - I hate feeling like I've been offensive in any way sad

pictish Wed 30-Jan-13 21:46:07

eminemmerdale - I didn't think you were taking the piss or being nasty either. x

MrsMushroom Wed 30-Jan-13 21:46:20

eminemmerdale I think it was your paraphrasing the women there and imitating them..."laydee" and all that. It comes over as unkind. Ecpecially from someone who is meant to go into places and not judge.

fuckadoodlepoopoo Wed 30-Jan-13 21:48:29

But that just explains how the woman spoke. People do that all the time on here. My favourite are the Scottish accent ones.

pictish Wed 30-Jan-13 21:48:37

Oh leave her alone MrsMushroom - I'm sure she is professional in her job, but she is allowed a sense of humour about it as well. Give over.

ubik Wed 30-Jan-13 21:48:52

The mum who charged across the room shrieking:"oh my God, I have told you to stop doing that, will you please stop doing that!"

I expected to see her three year old son pushing/biting/kicking/mooning

But no, he had dressed up in a fairy outfit.

All the other mothers were like hmm

eminemmerdale Wed 30-Jan-13 21:49:46

It wasn't meant to be unkind. At all. Just a moment that I found quite shocking. If it helps at all, I had a long and serious talk with the group leader at the end about how we could help the group in different ways and am going back again in a month or so to offer more help if i can sad Sorry sad

eminemmerdale Wed 30-Jan-13 21:50:37

Please, keep up with the funny stories!! Pretend I never happened grin

MrsMushroom Wed 30-Jan-13 21:54:37

I won't say anymore apart from this. In our society it's "ok" to take the piss out of the working classes. But not out of other vulnerable members of society.

I don't like it and I will always speak up. It's not their fault they're uneducated or speak in a certain way.

No offence meant *emin I can tell that....

PoppyAmex Wed 30-Jan-13 21:55:12

helyourself that's horrible! Was the mum arguing about risk assessments when the baby had a mangled hand? shock

foofooyeah Wed 30-Jan-13 21:55:15

This has had me crying with laughter .... thanks foreversunny

*Years ago, a mum and her son had been offered an unexpected lift home by another parent.

Her son had just turned 4 years old. She acquired a car seat which happened to be a group 1 baby car seat (the type you pick up and carry). She then went on to try and strap her 4 year old into the baby car seat.

Well as you can imagine, he wasn't willing to say the least. She eventually got him in, all arms and legs everywhere, only for him to roll the car seat over and attempt to walk with it on his back, while still being strapped into it. It was like watching some sort of giant, robotic, black tortoise.*

kerala Wed 30-Jan-13 21:58:37

Dd1 at 18 months went through a hitting stage. I hovered over her and warned the other mothers at this playgroup I used to go to. One said " if she hits my kid I'll f - Ing slap her". Nice. I never went back. No one spoke to me there which was fine as their main conversation topic was how best to commit benefit fraud. We moved out of the area (thank god)

Viviennemary Wed 30-Jan-13 22:01:47

And one year two weeks before Halloween somebody made an announcement that there was to be No mention of Halloween and no Halloween activities or because the Vicar's wife wouldn't like it as it was a pagan festival. The playgroup wasn't even anything to do with the church and in a different building altogether. As if a whole lot of two year olds were going to turn into devil worshippers or something. Honestly some folk!!

Dfg15 Wed 30-Jan-13 22:03:23

no need to be sorry, you weren't being unkind at all,as far as I could see. just relating a story like everyone else on this thread

Not sure which is funnier. Panpipe Lady or Turtle Child.

helpyourself Wed 30-Jan-13 22:06:51

poppy the poor woman was obviously in shock, but the child needed to get to A&E. I had 3 dcs with me and no more space or carseats or I'd have taken her. It was really upsetting. sad

fuckadoodlepoopoo Wed 30-Jan-13 22:07:52

Kerala. That's shocking!

PeppermintCreams Wed 30-Jan-13 22:10:17

I think I went to the wrong toddler groups!

When I took my son to our local baby group there was always one mum who left 10 mins early because the song time at the end "over stimulated" her baby.

I work in a children's centre in a deprived area, and haven't really come across any weirdness. I do remember the fire brigade being called one day because a child had got their head stuck in a toy washing machine in the home corner!

Iwillorderthefood Wed 30-Jan-13 22:14:43

I took DD1 to baby massage, all other mums were serenely bf and massaging their DC. I could not get DD to bf, she hated the massage and screamed the whole time, and to top it all I managed to knock over the owners plant that she called her "money plant" and made an enormous mess.

ISeeSmallPeople Wed 30-Jan-13 22:15:43

Workingtoohard

Not playgroup, but I had that at the cafe at Kew gardens. She took her whole top off. No one knew where to look especially my father who up until then had been enjoying a nice cup of tea and some lemon drizzle

helpyourself Wed 30-Jan-13 22:16:48

On a roll now, not strictly relevant, but I overheard a Mum say to her toddler, 'For fucks sake you look like a fucking spaz' I flinched and really wanted to talk to her because everything else apart from that was lovely. sad He was sitting up in a highchair, appropriately dressed, eating and drinking. Mums tone was kind and she was really engaging with him. I hope it was an off the cuff remark to make her friend laugh.

foreversunny Wed 30-Jan-13 22:17:20

Do you know what would be funnier?

If Panpipe Lady was Turtle Child's mother.

grin

ThedementedPenguin Wed 30-Jan-13 22:20:19

I had to google panpipes as I didn't have a clue what it was smile I'm all clued in now.

Some if these ate hilarious but I feel so sorry for all the kids being swore at.

Also that poor kid who's hand was chewed by a goat. That must of been horrible!

ILovePonyo Wed 30-Jan-13 22:23:38

eminemmerdale I didn't think you were being offensive at all.

Mine isn't funny like turtle boy or pan pipes (which made me laugh out loud) but there was one mum at messy play who like to tell everyone loudly she hated the "fucking foreigners" (ie polish women) at our group and that she had social services observing her. Then at the end of the session told her daughter to "get down the stairs before I fucking throw you down" which made me shock I was very embarrassed and didn't say anything but wish I had now.

Anyway! More funny stories please grin

washngo Wed 30-Jan-13 22:26:17

I used to take ds to a baby swimming class when he was about 5 months old. The pool only had a really small walkway around the she to exit the building, so we used to change, then edge our way round the pool past the next class and out the door. One day I had worn flip flops with very smooth soles. On the way out after dressing , whilst carrying also fully dressed ds, I slipped. To avoid him being bumped on the side of the pool I sort of threw myself away from the edge, we did a sort of belly flop with a massive splash into the pool a metre away from the next class who all looked on in bewilderment as i held ds aloft to keep him out of the water. He didn't even cry, just stared at me as if to say "why would you do that you lunatic?". I was mortified.

ILovePonyo Wed 30-Jan-13 22:26:42

Ooh yes Iwillorder I took dd to baby massage and whilst all the well behaved babies were lying there being massaged nicely, my dd just rolled over and shoved anything in her mouth that she shouldn;t have. And cried whenever I attempted to massage her hmm Oh well at least it was free!

MrsSchadenfreude Wed 30-Jan-13 22:27:35

I am crying at Naked Panpipe Lady and Wipe the Cum Off the Table. grin

washngo: what did you wear to travel home? grin

BertieBotts Wed 30-Jan-13 22:34:13

I think car seat tortoise and naked panpipe elf are going to go down in MN history as the things people say now to prove they're not a troll grin

TheBlackBagBorderBinLiner Wed 30-Jan-13 22:38:23

If any of these women have a face like a bag of spanners and live in the Dorchester area - that's my SIL. sad. She loves performance parenting, the heuristic basket is never far away she has panpipes but it's all for the pfb DD2 just muddles along with benign neglect.

She was obsessed with 'Elimination Communication' - every 10 minutes, no matter where or what the weather was the pfb was stripped and encouraged to perform.
She was asked to leave Monsoon because the staff felt that a semi-naked 14 month old sat on a potty by the wedding frocks did n't improve the customer experience. She will never darken their door again ,<chewing a wasp emoticon>.

SocietyClowns Wed 30-Jan-13 22:41:16

I once got a ten minute lecture on the fact I was holding a cup of tea at a playgroup, with babies crawling around me, and that I was seriously irresponsible and she had worked in a burns unit and had seen what hot tea can do to small children... I tried repeatedly to tell her that the tea I was holding had stood in the separate kitchen for twenty minutes and was in fact stone cold, but she wouldn't let me get a word in.
(Not minimising the risk of hot drinks around children but really feel she should have given me the benefit of the doubt and not launched into accusations.)

BreastmilkDoesAFabLatte Wed 30-Jan-13 22:41:44

I remember being at one hideously ultra-competitive under-1s group once, and someone's DP walked in, smiled broadly and asked in a loud and very plummy voice, 'Does anyone know which exam board we could register our Hughie with for his maths?I'm not sure he would manage A-level, but I think just an AS for now will be OK.'

I wanted to applaud. I suspect others did, too.

akaemmafrost Wed 30-Jan-13 22:46:08

grin washngo very apt name under those circumstances.

PortBlacksandResident2013 Wed 30-Jan-13 22:46:40

DH and i were followed around the zoo by a Mum and her toddler - she was singing everything in a tuneless sing song voice to her child. I think she thought she was in an episode on Cbeebies. grin

At sealion pool - "They're waiting for their dinner... dinner dinner dinner"
At lions "the lions go roar .. roar .... and show their claw"
(you get the general idea)

we couldn't seem to get away from her....i still can't make up my mind whether she was unhinged or quite sweet

mrsjay Wed 30-Jan-13 22:48:57

not that ive been at a group for years but i did see a fight in a playgroup about BULLYING BEHAVIOUR the children were 18ish months old the mum actually started poiting at the other mums shoulder and told her she has to get her kid under control as her little X was being bullied was all very shock

PortBlacksandResident2013 Wed 30-Jan-13 22:50:10

Oh and mine was at a zoo but it just about counts as it was a trip organised by the toddler group.

pictish Wed 30-Jan-13 22:50:43

washngo oh em geeeee. I am gutted for you but also highly amused by your misfortune. I am sorry, but I would have laughed my head off. I am doing so now. grin

Bless you. If it makes you feel any better, I once did a summer in the theatre aged 16, and during an outdoor performance at the Glasgow Garden Festival, dressed in only in linen bandages, my god damn bandage slipped and my right bap was out for all to see, totally unnoticed by me for at least 15 minutes.
My life pretty much ended for at least three days after that one. blush

mrsjay Wed 30-Jan-13 22:52:10

a mum hasn't spoken to me for 17 years because i picked up her dds jacket by mistake the kids went through primary and high school together she never spke or looked at me again shock

pictish Wed 30-Jan-13 22:57:52

Portblack I laughed at the singing lady. I think I may have done that as it is the sort of thing I do, but mostly for a laugh...not to be worthy. Mostly to make dh laugh. I wouldn't do it for very long mind. Just for a song or three. grin

theluckiest Wed 30-Jan-13 22:58:32

Ubik that reminds me of my DS who was utterly obsessed with the dressing up rail...in particular the floatiest, spangliest girliest fairy costume at playgroup. DS1 was about 2. A woman told me I was 'brave' to let him wear it and what on earth must my husband say? (as DS1 frolicked past in his fairy outfit). I wish i'd had a witty comeback but dear MNetters, I just bit my lip and smiled politely.

Except the time DS1 completely refused to take the damn thing off. I'm glad no-one has posted yet about witnessing a mad shouty woman at a Midlands playgroup having a massive meltdown circa 2009. I had DS2 screeching attached to me in his sling while DS1 scarpered out of my grasp giggling. He was wearing not only the fairy outfit but carrying a large red patent handbag and wearing a policeman's helmet while I shouted 'For the love of god DS1, take the damn dress off, we have to go to the other room for snacktime....' I sort of lost the plot....and burned with embarrassment under the withering looks from the other mums. blush

I also remember chatting to a mum at this playgroup. We stood and watched her child (who was rather a challenge to say the least) drag my son along the floor into the playhouse and sink his teeth into DS1's arse. She didn't bat an eyelid and told little Johnny to not do that in such a half arsed way so I think this was a regular occurrence.

I am SO glad the playgroup years are behind me...

PortBlacksand: that could well have been me! When mine were little, I used to keep them (and myself) amused by improvising a sort of singing commentary on everything we were doing. I would usually make it rhyme, and change the style to suit my mood: blues, opera etc. Always in tune though. grin

pictish Wed 30-Jan-13 23:06:04

My ds2 liked fairy outfits. He liked the sparkliness...and so he should...it's a shame that boys are pretty much denied glittery sparly stuff because it's lovely and magical and totally childlike. That's what ds2 liked about them. I can honestly say I can ever recall a bad reaction, or even any reaction at all beyond a smiling one, towards him.
He's all 'no thank you that's for girls' now. Not of my doing. Shame really. Glitter is great.

scarletforya Wed 30-Jan-13 23:06:24

turtle boy wins! grin

MogTheForgetfulCat Wed 30-Jan-13 23:11:11

No, mental naked panpipe elf wins! grin

PortBlacksandResident2013 Wed 30-Jan-13 23:11:41

grin at singing ladies on this thread...
...she did keep it up for over 2 hours i know, because we began following her in the end

I met a woman at play group who seemed very nice. She was new to the area and her eldest dc was in my dds class. So to be friendly I invited her round for coffee.
She stayed for six freaking hours and basically lectured me about God and my believes. She kept telling me to let myself be filled with the love of God. I am CofE and kept telling her this but she just seemed to want to preach at me.
The next time she turned up I was roasting a chicken and her toddler thought a stock cube was a sweetie. She took it off him and said "Sweetie when mummy cooks chicken at home and boils up all the bones to make lovely stock well this is what a lazy mummy uses".
As I was trying to think of a suitable come back he picked up dd's Harry Potter wand and I said something like oh wow a magic wand she screeched and started saying "no, no, no not wands, wands aren't real pretend it's the sword of God".
She also took me to her allotment once too which was nice but on the way she found a discarded bag of clothing on a wall, it seemed to be full of saris.
She turned up at school the next day in a burka that had been at the bottom of the bag. I didn't recognize her until she made herself known to me and Said she had just fancied a change.
The last time I really saw her to chat to was when I bumped into her in a charity shop while I was queuing up to buy the first Harry Potter book for dd [ blush]
I don't really see her much anymore but she did make me laugh even though she was very rude to me at times.

pinkyp Wed 30-Jan-13 23:20:47

I love these!

EugenesAxe Wed 30-Jan-13 23:22:50

It was kind of funny... I went to this baby class and there was a fairly fleshy mother who also attended. She would wear quite drapery tops and one week, lurching around for her son, her tit fell out.

It wouldn't have been odd had it not been for the fact she was sat opposite a couple there with their son, and also seemed to know her tit was hanging out - she left it exposed for some time. In the end the woman of the couple went and whispered to her (she and her DH, and me a bit, had all been silently giggling and wondering if she'd noticed or whether we should speak up).

MarcelineTheVampireQueen Wed 30-Jan-13 23:36:15

All very funny, but I nearly been sick from laughing about that child in the car seat!!

AndFanjoWasHisNameO Wed 30-Jan-13 23:53:54

Oh really can't breathe for laughing at poor turtle boy and Madam Panpipes. Pregnant with DC3 and determined to trawl all local baby groups in the hope of out-mentalling those examples grin

Piemother Thu 31-Jan-13 00:17:56

I met a mum at baby yoga who did that ventriloquist thing where they project a voice on to their not yet verbal baby in a daft baby voice. I thought she was a bit mental but quite sweet really. Fast forward a year or so and I met her again at a birthday party of a little girl dd goes to nursery with. She, dd and a particular little boy are as thick as thieves and have been for 3 solid years now. Ventriloquist mum spent the whole party bellowing that her ds was gojng to challenge this little boy (dd's chum) to a duel in a semi serious way. They were 2 then!

ThedementedPenguin Thu 31-Jan-13 00:32:35

Piemother I do that sad okay not in a baby voice. And I don't think I'm as crazy as that. I kind of pretend he has spoke and then I agree. mostly when Dp is annoying me. So it will go something like this...

Dp: being a twat

Ds: makes noises

Me: yes ds your right daddy is a twat!! blush

FreePeaceSweet Thu 31-Jan-13 00:42:58

ThedementedPenguin shock that is just horrid towards your dp. I have never done similar oh no, not me guvnor.. Walks away whistling grin

Blessyou Thu 31-Jan-13 00:47:40

Is it just me, nervously reading the thread, half expecting to identify myself and my pfb antics?

My contribution is the dad who followed his boy around shouting "No, don't play with that.. (pram/doll) . Girls toy? Here you are - brum brum".

Then changed his sons nappy, and took him home. In his pram. Surely his son was just imitating daddy?

Blessyou Thu 31-Jan-13 00:50:22

That should be 'Girls toy!' There was no question, he was quite definate about it grin

MammaTJ Thu 31-Jan-13 05:17:59

I went to a group in a church. There was a baby area, a toddler play area all in one room but sort of divided by toys. Then there was the kitchen, divided by a stair gate, then a quick turn right, so hardly really in the kitchen and another stair gate to the 'craft room' where mums were meant to take their DC to do the craft of that week. I was playing with baby DS, who was about 4 months old. DD was 16 months old. I looked up and couldn't see her. I panicked and was frantically asking everyone if they had seen her, knowing there was no way she could have got out herself.

Then a CM friend of mine told me she had gone in to the craft room. I got there and found her. The helpers absolutely insisted she had got in there herself when I asked who had let her in. They looked me in the eye and lied to me to justify their actions in letting her in without my knowledge.

She is now 7 2/2 ans still cannot open stairgates. grin

Yamyoid Thu 31-Jan-13 06:50:27

onetiredmummy the 10 month old shall have revenge when she hits 3 or 4 and starts with the verbal diarrhoea, 'mummy...mummy....mummeee'
grin

Are you sure mad singing zoo woman only had one child with her PortBlacks?

I sing everything at home (although in perfect tune, obviously) and whilst I don't think I've been loony enough to do it in public, sleep deprivation does strange things to you. Did each verse have a show-tune style ending complete with jazz hands and twirl?

PortBlacksandResident2013 Thu 31-Jan-13 07:54:08

Yes it was just her and her toddler. She was definitely making them up as she went along and there was a sad lack of jazz hands and twirling sad and tune

feel a bit bad now hope she's not on here

fuckadoodlepoopoo Thu 31-Jan-13 07:56:34

Pictish. My bil won't allow his little boy to dress up in anything that's not masculine. So every time i look after him i get all the fancy dress out and he loves the fairy ones complete with sparkly shoes and hair accessories. If bil knew he'd have a heart attack. He's convinced that dressing up like that will make his son catch the gay!

fuckadoodlepoopoo Thu 31-Jan-13 08:01:40

Blessyou. I've seen men in shops refusing the get their kids the clothes they want because they think they aren't masculine enough. One little boy really wanted those yellow wellies with diggers on (you know the ones) but the dad refused because he said that yellow was for girls. They had a fucking digger on!

Badvoc Thu 31-Jan-13 08:02:13

I know someone like that Pictish...won't even let his toddler son have a tea set.
He is a teacher sad

Pilfette Thu 31-Jan-13 08:05:41

My favourite was the naice toddler group leader who took me aside on my 2nd time there and explained in a loud whisper that it was ok, I didn't have to call myself Mrs and wear a wedding ring because, and I quote, "we don't judge people who choose to have babies out of wedlock".

I was about to turn 20, and married (foolishly, as it turns out) 3 weeks after my 18th birthday. As I explained this, because I was less feisty back then, she shook her head and carried on with the, no really, it's ok, we don't mind thing. Eventually I just gave up. Even though DD is now 17, remembering that conversation still makes me feel squirmy and judged blush

Badvoc Thu 31-Jan-13 08:05:55

I used to know a very strange woman.
Desperately competitive, to the point that when I plucked up the courage to tell her I has been dx with late onset pnd, she was at the gp the next week telling him she thought she had it!
sad
I could go on...she put her house on the Market the week after we did, got a new car the day after I did, copied my hairstyle,,my clothes...you get the drift.
So after I became unaccountably bust every time she rang!

First ever venture to toddler group, trying to make polite small talk, one woman homes in on me and immediately starts telling me in great detail about her lack of sex drive, how her DH doesn't know what he is doing in the bedroom and he wants her to wear PVC gimp costumes. I had only been in the room for 10 minutes and had never met her before.
She then asked me about my sex life. I didn't answer and tried to change the subject. She then continued and said "maybe you could service my husband for me, you would look nice in PVC. I could maybe do you a favour in return, hoovering or gardening perhaps?!?"
I made a quick exit and never went back! I have since spotted her and her DH in tesco, it is quite difficult to get the image of her in PVC out of my head!

vladthedisorganised Thu 31-Jan-13 08:41:46

I am still sniggering at the panpipes, the tortoise and the squaw grin

I went to a weaning session at my local Sure Start centre when DD was about five months old. The nurse was very sensible, and after a short introduction, someone asked about baby-led weaning.
Before the nurse had a chance to say anything, one of the mothers starts evangelising about how it develops the immune system, means that they will never touch a whit of junk food, eliminates fussy eating, and 'maintains their instinct to select the most nutritious food available to them'. She knew several school-age children who enjoyed eating crisps and chocolate, which she knew for a fact was because that they were fed on purees. Her own PFB, at six months, was able to select the food containing the most vitamins from a tray at every meal.

Mother B then asks when Mother A started weaning, and Mother A proudly says four months.
Mother B accuses Mother A of child abuse and says that she will not feed her PFB anything at all until he is 10 months and can ask for what he wants.
Both mothers then have a loud argument that lasts for about 10 minutes. Mother C chips in with 'Of course, baby-led weaning only works with breastfed babies, because bottle-fed babies aren't intelligent enough to grasp the concept'. Fighting stops and all mothers nod gravely.

Funny about the EC evangelisers. I was very careful not to - horses for courses, it worked for us, and that was all that I cared about one way or the other - but when I slunk off to the loo with DD rather than change her nappy on the floor at one particular mother and baby group, you'd have thought I had admitted to foot-binding or something. For someone who (according to bonkers mother) would develop trust issues, major psychological problems, chronic constipation and renal failure as a direct result of my letting DD crap in the toilet rather than a nappy, DD is doing OK so far grin.

JBrd Thu 31-Jan-13 08:42:18

I am crying with laughter reading the stories here! And feeling rather deprived, I never had anything weird happening to me at baby groups, really feel I missed out!

Panpipes lady is the winner for me so far grin

singinggirl Thu 31-Jan-13 08:57:56

There is one mum I whose (only, pfb) child is now in the same school as mine, and who still possesses the unerring ability to set everyones' teeth on edge - but her crowning remarks were when the children were small. One was a lecture on why a mum (with surprise third baby, so two older children PLUS PND) should have stuck to breastfeeding for longer. She reduced said mum to tears in the middle of a group and then proceeded to justify herself instead of apologising!

On another occasion at a toddler group we were all admiring a gorgeous newborn boy (mum had a toddler DD). Mad woman then announced at the top of her voice that she could never have another in case it turned out to be a boy. angry Faces from all of us with boys, but she blithely sailed on regardless!

Obviosly she still knows best about everything.

FirstTimeForEverything Thu 31-Jan-13 09:00:18

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PurpleWolfe Thu 31-Jan-13 09:02:18

Mostly the mums and toddlers at our local group were pretty normal but....the old codgers bowling club and sewing club, who had the hall the evening/night before us were the problem. The bowling club, average age = 70, decided the new block wood floor needed something 'extra' so got it fully polished up! The outcome was a whole load of toddlers falling left right and centre, slipping and sliding and banging their heads on the hard wooden floor!! The sewing club seemed totally incapable of keeping track of their needles and pins - to the point where we had to try and sweep the floor before we could let our DC loose! Still found numerous pins and needles which had got wedged into the cracks. Despite asking (and explaining - several times) to both groups the dangers of their actions, it took months for them to adjust their actions! Sheesh!

pirouette Thu 31-Jan-13 09:17:40

Not baby group but toddler one. One very woo mum invited me to her house to "Celebrate womanhood", which was fine. She said she had a spare mirror so I did not need one. I asked why we needed mirrors and apparently the celebration entailed sitting in a circle and adoring your fanny in a mirror. I was unfortunately too busy to attend her fanny club.
Her son also peed on me from the top of a shed roof.

coughingbean Thu 31-Jan-13 09:20:14

Hahahaha grin

PurpleWolfe Thu 31-Jan-13 09:23:32

^ Choked on my grape Pirouette! ^

mummyplonk Thu 31-Jan-13 09:25:05

shock Fanny party hahahaha.

fuckadoodlepoopoo Thu 31-Jan-13 09:38:54

Pirouette. That's fantastic! grin

DollyTwat Thu 31-Jan-13 09:39:08

Ha ha ha! Loving the fanny party!

I was invited to a very woo mums house, with both my dc. Ds1 disappeared with her ds into one of the bedrooms and were suspiciously quiet. Suddenly the dad started bellowing at ds1 so I rushed to see what he'd done. He was sitting, bemused, on the floor eating a fairy cake.

Turns out the two dc had been at their 'memory' boxes in the cupboard which contained all the biscuits and cakes their dc had ever made at nursery! They were at SCHOOL by this time.

I was more concerned that he'd eaten a 4 year old cake. Bonkers dad kept shouting that his dc would never have done such a thing and my ds had instigated it.

We left straight away. Me and the dc still laugh about it!

Yamyoid Thu 31-Jan-13 09:43:11

freepeacesweet grin grin it really must have been crumbs, not cum, surely!

Wallace Thu 31-Jan-13 09:45:26

I've been going to toddler groups for most of the last 13 years and have never encountered really bonkers behaviour.

Does that mean it is most likely I am the bonkers one...? blush

We go to rhyme time at the local library, which is a mix of small babies and toddlers.
At this weeks I had one GM telling me very loudly how I was going to poison 11.5mo dd by allowing her to eat bread (dd was eating a cheese sandwich at the time) and how I was setting her up for a lifetime of food allergies and problems because of the gluten.
At the end of the session, she produces a massive box of fox's biscuits and her gc sat and munched about 10! The youngest is about a month older than dd...

Also at the same group a few weeks ago there was a boy about 2 running around kicking out at all the other children and generally being a bit of a terror. They hand out maraccas and bells and other small instruments for the kids to make some noise with while they sing the songs, and this same little boy went around taking all the toys off the other children and taking them to his mother, who just sat there and held them!! When he tried to take DD's maracca, she bashed him in the face with it and the mum went MENTAL telling me how I needed to control my child and how she was going to grow up to be a bully!

The mother has since been told not to return to the group after her son pushed over a baby (who had just learned to walk) into a chair, splitting his lip, and then proceeding to take the lid off a sippy cup of juice and tipping it all over the screaming, bleeding child hmm

pictish Thu 31-Jan-13 09:53:43

I don't think anyone is responsible for making ds2 feel bad about glittery stuff. Dh and I always let him get on with it. I think it's externl influences. Tv and such like.

UterusUterusGhali Thu 31-Jan-13 09:58:27

shock Cpt!

BreastmilkDoesAFabLatte Thu 31-Jan-13 10:01:14

I took DS aged a fortnight or so to DD's toddler group. A mother accosted me to tell me all about what DS's name meant. When I finally got a word in edgeways to say that yes I knew what his name meant and we chose it precisely because of that meaning, she looked all deflatedly shocked that anyone beyond her could ever know that..

pictish Thu 31-Jan-13 10:04:19

CPT shock

fuckadoodlepoopoo Thu 31-Jan-13 10:10:23

Yes it must have been crumbs!

TooExtraImmatureCheddar Thu 31-Jan-13 10:13:55

I went to one baby massage class when DD was 7 weeks old. One of the other mothers was a bit...ahem...rough. Near the end of the session the leader asked me if DD was my first baby. I said quietly 'no, she's my second, my first was stillborn'. The leader said 'oh, I'm so sorry, when was that?' and before I could answer this woman says very loudly: 'I died on the operating table, you know'. We all stared at her and she followed this up by saying that 2 of her 4 kids had something wrong with their ears (slightly deformed bit), which she demonstrated by pulling at her son's ear, and then she said 'and that's not all, he's got something else wrong with him but it's easier to show you than to tell you', pulled down her 13 month-old's trousers and nappy and grabbed his willy to show us that his foreskin was abnormal. (Tbh I couldn't tell what was wrong with it but she said he would need to have it removed when he was a bit older)

It was as if she was doing one-up-manship with illnesses!

BupcakesAndCunting Thu 31-Jan-13 10:25:16

Mental naked panpipe elf = best post ever.

Mother Earth type at the play group I used to take DS to, still BFing her 4.5 year old (which I am NOT judging btw!) She would just whip her nork out, grab her DS and shove her udder into his face whenever she felt he needed "calming"... One day, my DS was having a meltdown over this fucking Tonka truck, that was the Holy Grail of toys at the group. I was there at eye-level, trying to calm him down and distract him and I'd just about got through to him when I could feel a presence at the side of my face. Earth Mother had got her tit out and was offering it to DS. hmm "It's a great calmer" she said "Nothing more soothing than a suckle on mummy!"

WHAT???? I imagine that's true if you ARE the mummy, which you weren't, you loon.

Still, I suppose it reflects more badly on me that I felt sorry for her a few weeks later (she came from hundreds of miles away to live with her DP and had made no friends here) and accepted her offer of going back to hers for a coffee. Well, I am a messy bastard so for me to judge the state of someone else's house things have to be pretty spectacular, let's just say that. I'm not just talking usual house mess but things like a used condom on the bathroom floor, cups of half-drunk tea going moudly... then she offered me some lunch. Which I couldn't turn down as I had been moaning at the group about being starving sad

Still didn't learn my lesson after that and invited her and her DS to DS's garden party for his birthday. She turned up, got pissed on Pimms and passed out under the gazebo whilst her DS terrorised everyone in sight.

littlemisssarcastic Thu 31-Jan-13 10:26:35

Local CM came to group every week. Once her mindee who was about 11 months fell over and landed on her face. Cue mindee screaming. Childminder didn't turn a hair. Every other mother sat there looking like shock whilst staring at the CM. CM only moved when another mum picked the poor baby up, at which point the CM demanded she put the baby down, because baby was just attention seeking and she ignored so as not to encourage that sort of behaviour. shock

ThedementedPenguin Thu 31-Jan-13 10:30:07

"It's a great calmer" she said "Nothing more soothing than a suckle on mummy!"

Okay this is bonkers!

Imaginethat Thu 31-Jan-13 10:40:17

foreversunny that tortoise story is hilarious!

fuckadoodlepoopoo Thu 31-Jan-13 10:43:23

"It's a great calmer" she said "Nothing more soothing than a suckle on mummy!"

Er yuck! Can't believe she got her tit out to calm a random kid! I have an image of her calming her child on one boob and her husband on the other.

ToriaPumpkin Thu 31-Jan-13 10:44:44

I feel shortchanged, your groups are all far more mental than mine!

Only two mildly weird things stick out for me, the mother who complained the hydrotherapy pool was too warm (the rest of us were just glad we weren't in the usually freezing public pool) and the mother who glared at me yesterday as I knelt beside a small child, asked him if I could please have a tambourine (he had four) picked one up, thanked the wee boy and handed it to my DS. He wasn't even her son!

fuckadoodlepoopoo Thu 31-Jan-13 10:54:37

Not a playgroup but a party for a 3 year old, where all the kids family were shouting fuck and cunt whilst smoking weed.

A woman who wanted to be friends with me who seemed really lovely and friendly. She wanted my children to go over to her house alone (she was trying to help me out which was lovely of her) but i couldn't bring myself to allow it after finding out that she would do anything and everything her husband told her to, including and the worst thing by far, which was leaving the country to go and stay somewhere with no medical facilities for miles and miles and miles even though she was very high risk pregnancy. They both knew she shouldn't go because she needed to be in this country for an injection. She went because he was in charge and it was his job as the husband to make all the decisions. The result was that her baby died sad

She was so nice but i just didn't feel i could leave my children in her care when really she wouldn't have been the one making the decisions which she openly admitted.

Felt awful for her and would talk to her about her options but she was committed to staying with him.

Imaginethat Thu 31-Jan-13 11:00:49

Ok somewhat off topic but after my youngest was born I was quite sick with PND and went into respite care. There were only 3 of us and both the other women were called Delwyn which, even in my unhappiness I found quite amusing.

recall Thu 31-Jan-13 11:07:17

I was the mad woman at play group. My friend wanted to come to the cafe after the session but didn't have a car seat. I lent her the little one that clips on top of the combi buggy, and said its ok, I have another in one my car. My car was parked a couple of streets away. So I had to get to my car with the baby and the combi buggy but no top bit, so I decided to wrap her up and pop her in the shopping basket underneath....was only a very short walk. Had to cross at a zebra crossing, and all the cars stopped and the drivers were starring at me pushing a tiny baby in the shopping basket, I felt like such a twat blush They still take the piss out of me now, 5 years on.

MrsMalinky Thu 31-Jan-13 11:13:02

Pmsl at the baby in a shopping basket!

Loving that I have shared the joy of the panpipe elf with others. It is one of my favourite memories ever. The best thing was that everyone else was so terribly British about it and just carried on getting their babies changed as if nothing unusual was happening at all. I never saw her again sad

Imaginethat Thu 31-Jan-13 11:14:50

Not at all recall, I've seen plenty of babies sling into the shopping basket section. It's quite near where I work.

FlowerTruck Thu 31-Jan-13 11:27:06

MNHQ, this thread needs to end up in classics.

RapunzelLetDownYourHair Thu 31-Jan-13 11:40:16

Ooh ooh I remember another one!!!

38wk pg with DD, Ds was 17mo. Went to a music session with a stay and play afterwards. Sat next to DS and this woman descends upon me and asks "Will your children have the same father?!" I was gobsmacked, should of told her to fuck off but I just said yes, they would. She came right up close to me and said "I. Don't. Believe. You". I grabbed Ds, plonked him in his puschair. Was so shocked and shaken that I cried all the way home.

fuckadoodlepoopoo Thu 31-Jan-13 11:44:10

Rapunzell. Fucking hell! Was she a bit, you know, not well, or was it a judgment on you?

nevermindthecrocodiles Thu 31-Jan-13 11:46:07

I was at a play session yesterday with the DC I look after (18months) there was a very stressed lady with a carrycot thing - it looked like a big sports bag from the outside but was in fact a really well padded baby bed thing.

Anyway, the baby was crying so she started swinging it from side to side (seriously hefty bit of kit, she was sweating and straining!) and then, I shit you not, started swinging it round in circles like someone about to throw a shot putt! (Or whatever it's called) She took out about five toddlers (my mindee being one of them) then glared at the assembled weeping children and roared "Why don't you look where you're going?!"

Bizarre!

fuckadoodlepoopoo Thu 31-Jan-13 11:48:00

One where a woman insisted to the whole group that a small bottle of formula is thicker than a large bottle or formula. I explained that no there's more of it but its the same thickness, but she insisted that no 6 scoups to 6 ounces meant it was thicker than 3 scoups to 3 ounces (or however its meant to be mixed, can't remember).

Smile and nod, smile and nod.

fuckadoodlepoopoo Thu 31-Jan-13 11:49:06

nevermind. That made me laugh out loud (even though its a bit dangerous).

RapunzelLetDownYourHair Thu 31-Jan-13 11:50:25

fuckadoodle (bloody brilliant name!) I think it was a mixture of both! A few acquaintences messaged me on the ol' Facebook later to say they had heard what she said and were so sorry and then regale me of tales of how fecking scary and weird she was. This included stopping the middle of a singing session when everyone was singing the hello song to the babies "Hello alex, hello...hello Lily, hello..." (isywim) to call a woman a "copycat bitch" because her DD had the same name as her DS.

I have since seen her ranting and raving at staff in our local supermarket.

fuckadoodlepoopoo Thu 31-Jan-13 11:53:11

Ooh! Sounds like she's not well then! That's sad! Or just a horrible bitch. Hard to know.

fuckadoodlepoopoo Thu 31-Jan-13 11:54:31

Thanks for the name compliment. Had it for a while though so due a name change. Not sure whether to keep the poopoo bit or the fuckadoodle.

nevermindthecrocodiles Thu 31-Jan-13 11:57:27

It would actually have been quite funny had they not been hurt - they went down like skittles! Bless. God she was weird!

RapunzelLetDownYourHair Thu 31-Jan-13 11:57:47

Keep the fuckadoodle bit, definitely. Important decision, this!

fuckadoodlepoopoo Thu 31-Jan-13 11:59:29

Its the most important decision I've had to make all year!

fuckadoodlepoopoo Thu 31-Jan-13 12:02:34

they went down like skittles

You see, i know that shouldn't make me laugh . . .

We lived in America when DD was tiny. At playgroup, there was a lovely American dad who brought his daughter Sydney-Rainbow. The mum was pg, and they were humming and haaiing about names for a couple of months before her due date - all a little unusual, but fine, horses for courses and all that.

Fast forward to the first visit after the baby was born, along comes dad proudly announcing his newborn son, London-Star.

I absolutely couldn't stop the words coming out of my mouth - "Isn't that a newspaper?" blush

I don't think Dad was too impressed. grin

peachypips Thu 31-Jan-13 12:29:43

No weird happenings sadly but a few odd names! We had a lady and her newborn girl at our toddler group. She was really pretty and dainty. I asked her what she was called and she said 'Larkin'.
I replied- 'what, as in larkin' about?' It popped out before I could stop myself! Felt to bad later!

peachypips Thu 31-Jan-13 12:30:15

So bad*

foreversunny Thu 31-Jan-13 12:50:54

nevermind For a moment then I thought you meant she was swinging it up and over her head! (You know that party trick you do with a bucket full of water and you swing it so fast over your head the water stays in the bucket).

I thought jeeez that poor baby! shock

Then read it again and roared with laughter grin

Kenobi Thu 31-Jan-13 12:53:49

I am wondering if the reason why I've never experienced any weird people in my playgroups is because I'M the one...

richardsimmonstanktop Thu 31-Jan-13 12:59:31

I was a rude woman at a baby group before. I got talking to a lovely woman and asked her what her baby's name was. She said Astrid. I said 'oh that's a lovely name, I really love that name, it's one of my favourites and it was on our list for DD! Hi Astrid!" <wave at baby>.

Then she says "No, MY name is Astrid, the baby's name is Murgatroyd." (or something) and I just said "Oh." And suddenly the English language was leeched from my brain and we all just sat and looked at the baby. blush

fuckadoodlepoopoo Thu 31-Jan-13 13:03:27

For a moment then I thought you meant she was swinging it up and over her head! (You know that party trick you do with a bucket full of water and you swing it so fast over your head the water stays in the bucket).

Hahahahahaha grin

Kenobi Thu 31-Jan-13 13:06:57

Actually I know I am blush

Moved to a new area last year, and went to a new playgroup to try and make friends with DD1 (2.5) and DD2 (5 months). It was fantastic, friendly mums, great equipment, well run, I was in heaven. At the end we all sat down for lunch on the floor with our kids - about 15 mums and 20+ children. I realised I had left DD1's sippy cup in the car, which was just outside. I turned to the lovely mum next to me and asked if she wouldn't mind watching them for me while I ran to the car. She said yes.

...I know, I should have taken them, but DD1 was 2.5 and would have had a shit fit to be taken away from her lunch, and I thought, I'll only be 30 seconds...

I ran out of the room, pushed open the heavy door to the foyer, straight into a toddler, who fell over and started screaming, proper 'I'm in agony' screaming. I was mortified and apologised and apologised. The mum couldn't have been nicer about it. I got to the car, grabbed the sippy cup, and when I got back into the foyer, to find she'd taken his sock off and there was blood EVERYWHERE. I had split his toe open with the door.

I was beside myself with horror and the sainted mum just kept saying, 'he'll be fine it was an accident.' Then I heard more screaming...

Both DD1 and 2 had cottoned on to the fact I wasn't there and had both had screaming meltdown fits while poor lovely mum did the best she could and they teated her like some kind of evil mummy stealer. I walked back into the room to find 15 pairs of unsurprisingly judgey eyes staring at me, blurted out "there's blood everywhere and it's all my fault" and then burst into tears myself.

It took about 5 days for me to stop chewing my fist night and day with horror over that experience.

bottleofbeer Thu 31-Jan-13 13:16:33

This woman who had a daughter at the same playgroup as my son would proudly tell me she was having her daughter's entire immune system "killed off" to start all over again.

I dunno what exactly she was doing to or having done to her but the kid always looked ill.

Megglevache Thu 31-Jan-13 13:21:36

I really must do some work but marking my place to read with a big glass of vino tonight...
Great thread am wee roaring at the first page! grin

She turned up at school the next day in a burka that had been at the bottom of the bag. I didn't recognize her until she made herself known to me and Said she had just fancied a change.

WHAT? This is hilarious!!

Tortoiseonthehalfshell Thu 31-Jan-13 13:27:45

I am crying with laughter at "they went down like skittles".

I am a bad person.

"Why don't you look where you're going"! <weeps>

Oh Bupcakes - why oh why would you offer to BF another woman's child??

Then she says "No, MY name is Astrid, the baby's name is Murgatroyd."

Murgatroyd is a gorgeous name. I'm putting that one on the list for the next baby. Along with London-Star.

Parsnipcake Thu 31-Jan-13 13:44:10

At one baby group I go to there is a bit of an obsession with an iPhone app that records everything your baby does and plots it into charts. As soon as babies blink/ smile, burp, wee etc the phones come out and are gaffes with for ages, until the next momentous event. Inbetween phone moments, the mums spend most of the time tutting at other mums and childminders who dare to read their text messages. They then go home half way through singing as their app predicts baby will be needing a nap in 7.26 minutes.

CailinDana Thu 31-Jan-13 13:58:49

I used to go to a group run by a mum who over time I realised had some issues. Nice person but lacking in a lot of basic skills - house was very very dirty, she had BO issues (but kids were clean and well fed) and had a rather strange relationship with her DH. I did like her though so I persisted until it became clear that her DS's (aged 3) behaviour was getting out of control. It was a very small group but every couple of weeks someone new would come along, the DS would terrorise them - push them, bite them, scream at them - friend who was supposedly running the group would do absolutely nothing about it and the new person would never come back again. She didn't seem to see a problem.

The DS was a bit wary of me as I wasn't afraid to tell him off but at one stage when I was newly pregnant he pushed my DS over and I lost it. Not at the child, but at the mum, her husband and the child's fecking grandmother who were all present and completely ignoring the boy's terrible behaviour. I'm afraid I was the one who looked a bit of a lunatic in this instance - I was just so frustrated and annoyed that yet again my DS's fun had been spoiled by this child and with 3 carers in the room not a single one was watching out for this child who had obvious behaviour problems. Thankfully the dad seemed to agree with me. I stormed out and never went back. Not my finest moment.

The mum did ring me repeatedly after that trying to excuse herself but I was having none of it - it was bloody ridiculous that she was running a group which seemed to exist solely for her child to terrorise other children.

CelineMcBean Thu 31-Jan-13 14:20:10

I've also seen a mum who sang everything. She sang to the child "Come on Raffley-Raffleton-Rafey-Rafe, put your shoes on! Let's go and plaaaaaaay! Oh yay!" On and on and on. It made me irrationally angry. Especially when she then passive aggressively sang at me instead of using the commonly accepted "excuse me" when I was accidentally in her way. "Oh dear, there's a lady in the way, lady in the way, lady in the way! Why won't she moooooo-ooooo-ooooo-o-o-move?" is just rude.

Have we mentioned competitive parents who show off by going on all the soft play equipment too? Every time I've seen this the child looks bemused and occasionally annoyed because they just want to play without help. Once I saw a dad get stuck in a tube. I had my whole fist in my mouth to stop me laughing.

Love carseat tortoise boy, panpipe nudist, cum on the table shock and Bupper's extreme breastfeeding friend. Brilliant! grin

nevermindthecrocodiles Thu 31-Jan-13 14:29:20

Ohh fuckadoodle and foreversunny and tortoise it was awful - on one hand I wanted to literally cry with laughter (it was like seeing the skittle family in Noddy get knocked down) on the other I was alarmed and wondering if she was in fact bonkers! Luckily my DC was fine & no tears (tough as old boots!) but her look of total shock as the bag of doom hit her was a sight to behold!

Badvoc Thu 31-Jan-13 14:29:50

Where are these groups!!?
I neeeed to go to one!
(Will need to borrow someone's baby though, mine are too old now...)

Stop it now, no more.

Burka lady
Naked panpipe lady
Tortoise boy

And now 'Why won't she moooooo-ooooo-ooooo-o-o-move'

I can't stop laughing!

RapunzelLetDownYourHair Thu 31-Jan-13 14:45:07

Badvoc, I have 1 x DS (3.2) and 1 x DD (18mo). You can borrow them! For as long as you like! <keen and helpful>

Badvoc Thu 31-Jan-13 14:48:36

Oooooh lovely!
I assure you I shall come over all tiger mother should anyone so much as look at them rapunzel smile
But, seriously, where are these groups?
I feel like I haven't lived!
Can't wait to show dh this thread...ds2 keeps aski me what I am laughing at smile

RapunzelLetDownYourHair Thu 31-Jan-13 14:51:43

Groups like these are ten a fecking penny round my way. I hate them. But also, love them. I frequent three run by batshit insane yet hilarious women. I think I go for the craic rather than the DC's development or whatever bollocks it is.

richardsimmonstanktop Thu 31-Jan-13 15:05:32

I'd quite like a friend like Burkha lady to mix things up a bit, keep me on my toes. You'd always be waiting for a clown or a uniformed maintenance man to sidle up to you and go 'hey - it's me!'

RibenaFiend Thu 31-Jan-13 15:15:34

This fred has totally monopolised my day. Laughing at the loonies is the most fun ever but yes- I'm a bad person!

Turtle boy, extreme breastfeeding, naked panpipe elf. Oh lord I can't stop laughing!!!

OTheHugeManatee Thu 31-Jan-13 16:07:17

dad proudly announcing his newborn son, London-Star.

Was the next baby DD called Daley-Mirror? grin

CelineMcBean I am weeping at passive-aggressive singing woman.

Panpipe elfe, tortoise boy, the tit profferer and the table sperminators are just shock grin shock

Badvoc Thu 31-Jan-13 16:17:22

I think I must live I a real backwater!
Please put this in classics MNHQ,

I'm feeling very disappointed that there is none of this crazy at either group my DD goes to.

Daley-Mirror. AWESOME.

I wish our local group was like this. Only has 5 mums smile

LadyMargolotta Thu 31-Jan-13 16:53:21

CelineMcBean - that singing mum sounds worse then a Miranda character!

LaQueen Thu 31-Jan-13 16:55:50

Went to a coffee morning at a friend's house - and a woman was there I'd never met before.

Her baby was about 4/5 months old...she never once, in the 2 hours, let go of her child. At one point she carefully placed her on the carpet next to her but kept a hand firmly placed on her baby at all time (presumably in case she tried to leg it, or somefink?).

Every time I tried to chat to her, she'd do that ventriloquist thing, and reply to me via her baby

Me: So, do you live locally?

Her: 'Ooh, what shall we tell LaQueen, then...shall we tell her where we live, shall we, lambkin, shall we? Well, we live just opposite the church don't we? yes, we do...that's where we live.'

She never made eye conbtact, once, the whole time just stared fixedly at her baby...

Mad as a box of frogs...

BertieBotts Thu 31-Jan-13 17:17:56

Oh god, I've just remembered the time I was on a packed train with DS in his buggy, even though he was far too big for it - there weren't any seats. A dad got out his iPhone and started showing his DC pictures on it and loudly explaining about the children in AFRICA and how they went to school as well but didn't have any of the resources that his DC had. I get that he was trying to show them that they should be grateful for what they have but why do it in the corridor of a packed train?

Also the soft play one reminded me of competitive skipping dads, often the younger ones, but they always get really enthusiastic about playing with the DC at the park or wherever and you're right - they always appear at soft play! They can never climb awkwardly through a hole designed for a nine year old, they have to hop skip or jump through, on, or over everything possible just to show how involved and rad they are, yeah.

Although I must admit I think DP might be one of them - he's always swinging off trees etc - except when he does it I think "sexy" and when another dad does it I think "poser" blush

RedRidingChops Thu 31-Jan-13 17:19:36

I'm a nanny, and more than once I've had parents ignore me or suddenly turn 'cold' when they find out. The worst one was at a huge playgroup near me, I had a 3 year old, 2 year old and baby 7m with me. The older two girls were just having a nice little tea party type affair- toddler sitting on a chair, older sister bringing tea cups etc and giving them to her. Lovely.

A mum comes up to me and starts with the usual how old are they, how old is the baby etc. Start chatting as you do when she says they are playing nicely, compliments to you. So I said thanks, I'm their nanny, had them since the eldest was 8m etc. She looks at me like I just revealed I beat them regularly to maintain order or something (I don't, it's frowned upon) and just gets up and walks off. Just the look on her face! Like I drop-kicked her puppy.

I stopped going to a group in a church for the same reason- My boss went, loved it, so I started too. All the people were lovely and welcoming til one recognised my 12m charge and loudly said 'oh isn't that xxx? You must be (boss) new nanny'. No more warmth! No one spoke to me again.

akaemmafrost Thu 31-Jan-13 17:25:47

I've had the nanny thing in reverse at the park. Getting talking to a few women and they are all nannies. Tell them your the parent and they are not nasty as such just completely disinterested in talking to you.

FrustratedSycamoresRocks Thu 31-Jan-13 17:32:30

(I don't, it's frowned upon)

red that comment has made me grin. it's been a long day
I dont understand the nanny/parent not friendly to each other thing.

kerala Thu 31-Jan-13 17:55:01

Weird isnt it? As a new mum I palled up with an experienced nanny she saved my sanity - she was a total expert (but in such a low key kind thoughtful way) whereas I knew nothing about baby care. Good company too and as she wasnt another frazzled new mother did really interesting stuff in the evenings so I could live vicariously grin

Love this thread-

Lots of bizarre ones.

One woman used to chase her child around a really big church

.. Playgroup feeding it yoghurt. Yoghurt at the top of the slide never mind the queue of kids behind
Quick run more yoghurt at the bottom of the slide etc etc.

RedRidingChops Thu 31-Jan-13 18:40:30

most of the mums, cms, nannies I meet are lovely and will have a little chat at playgroup, ballet, the swings etc. I guess that's why I remember the bad ones!

frustrated I'm glad my not beating the kids made you smile, they seem to appreciate it too! grin

Panzee Thu 31-Jan-13 18:42:36

Loving this thread. It's made me think I should have gone to baby groups. Might start with the new one when he arrives! grin

BertieBotts Thu 31-Jan-13 18:48:36

How weird Red! Perhaps they think you're like Supernanny and about to drill them on parenting techniques grin

There was a mum who used to come to our group with 2 DC, sometimes the childminder would come with them too and nobody batted an eyelid, just as friendly to either.

I did quite often wonder if the CM was a secret MNer though as she was always dressed head to toe in Boden grin <outs self>

NatashaBee Thu 31-Jan-13 19:14:28

This thread is brilliant... almost wish I'd joined some baby groups now!

Wickedgirl Thu 31-Jan-13 19:56:18

As a nanny I too have been ignored by the yummy mummy types when they found out I was a nanny.

When I went as a mum I always made a special effort to talk to the nannies and tried to make them feel welcome.

One group that I helped to run had a mum that was always doing course work and so ignored her son the whole time. He was truly awful and after biting several babies, we had to ask the mum to not come any more.

Skittles going down had me laughing so much I couldn't tell my dd why I was laughing (I know, I'm mean!)

Lilymaid Thu 31-Jan-13 20:14:35

Our playgroup used to visit a farm every year at lambing time. One of the parents was a rather odd French woman. There was the usual jokes between the mothers about giving birth. The French woman took umbrage because we didn't take birth sufficiently seriously and were not worthy people and as a result withdrew her child from the playgroup.
We were all delighted as her DS used to hit other children/steal their toys and was disliked by all.

poweredbytoast Thu 31-Jan-13 20:17:46

Just an aside for anyone who has yet to venture into the toddler/baby group and is now thoroughly put off - I went every week for six years and never witnessed any nuttery! And we got to sit on comfy cushions on the floor and drink piping hot PROPER coffee, served by lovely pensioners who were always amused by the queue of mums eager for the first pot to finish brewing. Everyone was sensible, everyone was lovely. Going to that group kept me sane - my friend and I used to buy naice "grown ups only" cakes from the bakery on the way ". Happy days!

Pandemoniaa Thu 31-Jan-13 20:27:46

It's been years since I enjoyed the sheer madness that can entertain you at playgroups but ddil and I did have a bit of a morning a few months ago when we took dgd to a toddler group. All was fine until we got gathered up halfway through and invited to "Sing About Jesus". There had been no warning that it was coming either. Nor was there an easy escape route.

lainiekazan Thu 31-Jan-13 20:41:15

Yeah. I realised I had fully entered Weirdom when I found myself doing a conga with the vicar at Chatty Tuesdays. Except I didn't realise that all the other mums and their toddlers had sort of fallen off and it was just me and the vicar blush

SocietyClowns Thu 31-Jan-13 20:49:24

Lainiekasan That image just had me snorting coffee over myself grin

Baiji Thu 31-Jan-13 20:57:35

The organizer decided all the children needed a name sticker, which was given out at a little desk at the entrance when you paid your money.

But, Oh, God, she had her preschool son writing out each and every name label, with agonising slowness. "Now, What does 'Amelia' begin with? 'A', that's right! What sort of 'A'..?. For the start of a name, sweetheart...? A capital 'A'! well done! Now, how do we write a capital 'A'... up the slope...go on, do a line going up... no, all the way up to here...that's right! now what comes next in the capital 'A'? What do you think comes next, sweetheart? Go on, what do we have to do next to make the capital 'A' for 'Amelia?' Is it a line down the slope? that's right! Do a line sloping down from the top. What do you think that looks like? Do you think it looks like anything, sloping up and then sloping down? It looks a bit like a mountain, doesn't it? Don't you think capital 'A' for 'Amelia' looks like a big high mountain? It does, doesn't it? What do we need to do now to finish the capital 'A' for 'Amelia'? It just needs one more little line. Do you know how the line should go? No? just across the middle there. Now it looks like there's a snowy top on the mountain! Well done, that's a capital 'A' for 'Amelia'! Now, what do you think comes after the 'A' in 'Amelia'...

The queue, the queue, I think babies were actually born in that queue and had teeth by the time they got into the hall.

xMinerva Thu 31-Jan-13 21:01:06

Rupunzel My MW asked me the same thing about fathers when I walked into the booking in appointment with ds2.

She was very embarrassed when I said, yes. (Like having 2 children with 2 fathers is something to be ashamed of hmm

The "I Don't Believe You" bit was extremely rude though. Not sure what I would have said to that.

Just to add the other side of the "deprived area" groups, I wen to a sure start group in a very deprived area of our town and it was brilliant. Everyone was lovely, watched out for each others children, got involved rather than just sitting around chatting, and closed thermos cups for all so we could have hot coffee without worrying it was going to get spilt.

No particular one person but I went to a supposedly "naice middle class" group once and it was like walking into the lion enclosure at the zoo.

Seriously, the kids were running riot. My normally quite boisterous ds1 was completely overwhelmed by it. One kid in particular running over babies fingers (purposely) in a cosy coupe type car, grabbing toys from other kids if he decided he wanted them and biting the other child if they didn't give it up. His mum would just laugh and say "Oh he's a bit of a free spirit isn't he" angry

The playgroup leader got some cupcakes out for the kids to decorate and honestly, it was like a frikkin rugby scrum of parents trying to make sure their child got in there first.

One woman sat there saying "oh the HV has told me I need to get dd off the juice and onto more milk or water, not sure how she expects me to do that though". While her not even 3month old dd was on her lap with a bottle of pure apple juice shoved in it's mouth.

Didn't go back there again.

Tryin out a new playgroup next week with now 2.4yr old ds2. I really hope there's a turtle boy there. Was howling at that image.

Used to help run a toddler group.

Alpha Dad arrived early as we were cutting out potato es for doing prints. Triangles, squares, the odd star. Alpha Dad decides ro join in and cuts out:

"whats this Ptolemy? Yes, your right! It's a double helix!"

xMinerva Thu 31-Jan-13 21:05:15

Apologies for typos.

Trying to type and help ds2 feed his "baby" (doll) t the same time. Yes he does want me to breast feed it. Yes he does want me to actually get my boob out for a doll.

How's that for extreme breast feeding? grin

VitoCorleone Thu 31-Jan-13 21:14:16

Ive always avoided baby groups. I think im going to have to start taking DS2 to them now grin

This thread has had me crying with laughter all day. Especially the woman with the Burka who just "fancied a change" and the turtle boy in the car seat.

IAmLouisWalsh Thu 31-Jan-13 21:18:14

Fucking panpipes!! grin

And the gift,and the tortoise....

VitoCorleone Thu 31-Jan-13 21:21:41

Also I dont want to go into details but she needs cheese was fucking hilarious

IAmLouisWalsh Thu 31-Jan-13 21:35:23

Not a baby group, but a dance show.

We went to watch my niece galumph around to bad disco music. It was in a school hall, but with a bar attached - community centre as part of school. Child in front of us, aged about 3, needed a wee mid-show, so his mum made him piss in a pint glass so she didn't miss anything. She put it on the floor, and lo and behold, ten minutes later he kicked it over. Cue a whole row of people grabbing their belongings out of the path of a pool of warm piss....

There was a fight in the bar in the interval, too.

PimpMyHippo Thu 31-Jan-13 21:48:11

I'd quite like a friend like Burkha lady to mix things up a bit, keep me on my toes. You'd always be waiting for a clown or a uniformed maintenance man to sidle up to you and go 'hey - it's me!'

grin That made me do snorty laughs grin

MarthasHarbour Thu 31-Jan-13 22:00:37

Oh dear god <wipes eyes> this thread is awesome!

Fanny party and burkha woman are winning it for me ATM. Closely followed by pan pipe mama grin

MrsMushroom Thu 31-Jan-13 22:10:46

Lain {crying with laughter right now} Chatty Tuesdays! The duet conga with the vicar! grin

MeatSweats Thu 31-Jan-13 22:11:50

Not too mental but seeing two mums playing an impromptu game of table ping pong with what turned out to be a chip of very dry shit was amusing. Now one year on everyone makes a point of wiping the chair and table they are about to use just in case the mum who dropped the turd has been back grin

EverybodysSnowyEyed Thu 31-Jan-13 22:16:05

I did a baby class and a mum turned up with her twins (under 6 months) and her nanny. She was impossibly fresh and polished.

A couple of mums were saying how rough it must be with two and how she looks so great etc etc (the usual first time mum awe at anyone having to deal with more than one of the little blighters!) and she was going on about how difficult they are and how they don't sleep very well at night, and she has to balance this with making time for her toddler.

All nice - one mum says "gosh, for someone getting such interrupted sleep you look fab"

Hearty laugh - oh no, my nanny dies the nights

We all look at the nanny and realise she looked just like us - poor thing was knackered!

Also, in another class mum had to go and make a phone call, the teacher offered to take the baby and the mum just plonked her in front of the nanny and said "oh no, she's used to dealing with both"

Is this fanny club a common thing?

If so, why have I not been invited? <peers down at unsatisfactory genitalia>

Not that I'd go mind, but it's nice to be asked!

I am stil PSML at MrsMalinkey's naked panpipe playing mum. I work in childcare and the stories I could tell about the mothers...but I couldn't and wouldn't smile

EverybodysSnowyEyed Thu 31-Jan-13 22:30:04

Panpipe mama gets my vote

I also saw someone put a bath thermometer in the swimming pool before going in with their toddler

MarthasHarbour Thu 31-Jan-13 22:31:30

headfirst I can never look at my ornate pocket mirror in the same way again grin

Lora1982 Thu 31-Jan-13 22:52:55

Going to my first group tomorow CANT WAIT NOW grin

TepidCoffee Thu 31-Jan-13 22:53:26

Ah Lainie, I'm crying with laughter at your conga with the vicar grin.

PopGoesTheWeeble Thu 31-Jan-13 22:59:31

Ok, I still can't compete with Panpipes Elf, the Fanjo party or the Conga with the Vicar (all potential name changers?!), but anyway...

My only contribution is the singing/music class I go to with DS. The leader is a very enthusiastic girl who often sits with or dances with random children in the class whenever they approach her. Cue her picking up the youngest participant, a 6 month old girl, and plonking her on her lap during a song. 6mo's mum nervously pipes up to be a bit careful as she isn't too steady sitting up.

Predictably, the poor 6mo takes a slow motion dive off the leader's lap, landing head first on the floor. She starts screaming, and everyone falls silent. EXCEPT the leader who ploughs on singing "Goodbye Jenson, goodbye" etc. 6mo 's mum obviously scoops up the shrieking child, all of the other mums look on in horror and pity and the leader cheerfully finishes the goodbye song.

Bizarre.

FamiliesShareGerms Thu 31-Jan-13 23:12:52

Am loving this thread! Makes the woman who put on one of her husband's old shirts to feed her toddler some finger foods (" because he's very messy and my husband likes me to keep clean") seem positively sane!!

PMSL at the panpipe elf!!

Jojobump1986 Fri 01-Feb-13 02:05:20

Is anyone else planning on acquiring panpipes ready for the next group they go to, just to see how many sniggers they get? It could be a fab way for MNers to identify each other - panpipes & a knowing look! grin

I'm v sad that none of these exciting things happen at our group. I'm wondering how many of them I can get away with... From now on at every baby group I go to I shall: get my breasts out at random moments, sing a running commentary on whatever DS is doing, play my panpipes when I run out of inane things to sing... Unfortunately DS is too small for the full tortoise-boy effect. I'll keep that in reserve for a year or 2! wink

MarthasHarbour Fri 01-Feb-13 07:35:40

<orders panpipes from Amazon>

See you there jojo wink

doctorhamster Fri 01-Feb-13 07:37:53

My god after 4 years of toddler groups I am crippled with disappointment and the normality of them. I should demand a refund.

Someone who knows how has to nominate this for classics!

JollyRedGiant Fri 01-Feb-13 07:38:09

DS and I are trying to decide what to do today. We can either go for a walk or go to toddlers.

This thread is steering me firmly toward toddlers!

NeedlesCuties Fri 01-Feb-13 07:38:16

I can't use the name as it will out me, but at a toddler group I used to go to there was a terror of a girl. She was 2 years old, cute with lovely blonde hair, but would scream, push, pull, attack the other kids. She had an 'interesting' name, can't say the exact one, but it was along the lines of 'modesty' 'comfort'.

One day her mum (who was barking mad) put her on a time out after she'd walloped another few kids. Except the mum had put her on time out outside the door to the hall and said she'd check on her in 2 minutes.

The leader of the group took exception to this, told barking mum that this wasn't allowed, as they were worried the child would run off as the main door wasn't locked and was near a road.

Barking mum became roaring mum, shouting all over the place about how it was unfair, she wasn't ever coming back etc. Grabbed her DD and left. That was a a year ago, and true to her word she's never been back!

Also, at the same toddler group. I was due DC2 and about 2 weeks before due date I bumped into one of the helpers in Tesco's. Was chatting to her, just small talk and I said something about coming back to the group with both kids once DC2 was a about a month old. Mentioned that I'd be breastfeeding the newborn, and the leader shook her head, said she'd been helping there for 7 years and had never seen a mum breastfeed... then she said she'd need to "ask the organiser, make sure that's ok." I was shock

Suffice to say, I rocked up with my newborn and breastfed and no one said anything negative. I would have been ready for them!

JollyRedGiant Fri 01-Feb-13 07:39:17

You need to report the op and type that you want it in classics in the box smile the op will likely have to agree first.

lljkk Fri 01-Feb-13 07:45:11

I went to toddler groups for at least 10 years before anything weird happened. I think you have to be hardcore in for the long haul.

Also sniggering at the vicar Congo...

Tsk conga!

EverybodysSnowyEyed Fri 01-Feb-13 10:38:22

I went to a baby massage class and at the end the hv asked if we had any questions

One mum wanted to know where she could get socket covers - she doesn't want to buy on the Internet and she doesn't want to go all the way to x shop to find they don't sell them. Etc etc

Another Mun said she had bought some in John Lewis so all fine.

Then the questioning Mum pulled out the Argos catalogue and asked the hv what she should be buying to make sure her 3m old stays top of the class. We weren't sure if she meant the baby massage class but the rest of us beat a hasty retreat

ISeeSmallPeople Fri 01-Feb-13 10:43:00

Hmm, I've clearly not met enough mad ones. Maybe it was me?

I was the mum who wanted to go to playgroup to meet friends & regain some sanity, despite DS not wanting to go. So, he's there in Pjs & dressing gown realising he did actually want to go, & was kicking up a fuss about nothing, playing with his best friend in the play kitchen bringing me a glass of pretend wine & his little 2 year old accomplice bringing his mum a glass of pretend g&T with a whole plastic lemon in it. And then both hanging off the kitchen hatch counter screaming for biccies.

Catchingmockingbirds Fri 01-Feb-13 11:08:11

Mners could discreetly wear these around their neck as a way to signal to other mners, like our own much subtler insane baby group bat signal:

https://www.google.co.uk/search?q=panpipes+necklace&hl=en&client=safari&tbo=u&tbm=isch&source=univ&sa=X&ei=KqALUeXSJeWc0AXytYDIBA&ved=0CDwQsAQ&biw=320&bih=417#i=93

lolaflores Fri 01-Feb-13 11:26:32

Attending a baby group with a year old DD. In strides a very loud woman with wriggly year old under arm declaiming to all there n

"Here, my * only just ate the poo in his nappy. Anyone give me a wet wipe".

Thunder of women out the door. Tumble weed round woman and poo gourmand

OTheHugeManatee Fri 01-Feb-13 11:46:05

I'm grin at the woman chasing her toddler round soft play with a yogurt.

PearlyWhites Fri 01-Feb-13 12:04:42

Turtle boy is still the winner , I was crying with laughter Dh wondered what was wrong.

mmmerangue Fri 01-Feb-13 12:08:01

I left my mums and toddlers group the day I heard two of the women bitching about the only person there who had ever bothered to be nice to me (she having left not long after I joined because of the bitchiness).

Its a small town and somehow got around that the NICE woman was going through interviews to possibly be a surrogate mum for someone who was infertile. One of the BITCH mums (actually was an aunt and a childminder conversing but basically everyone who went there was just as bad) said 'It's fine they'll never let her, she's batshit crazy'. Zero empathy for anyone who might be going through either end of such a very private situation, and a complete lie to boot. I could not believe some of the gossip that got spread around that room but that was the last straw.

I left pretty much glad noone else had ever been nice to me as I may have accidentally thought they were my friends and told them my own secrets to get spread around in Chinese whispers.

perfectstorm Fri 01-Feb-13 12:19:49

Bupcakes the proffered boob was probably the most hygienic lunch option at that woman's house. I'm just - shock at the used condom lying about.

Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

RibenaFiend Fri 01-Feb-13 12:24:16

MockingBirds I am absolutely getting a panpipes necklace! I shall play it gleefully at my class of horrors when they decide they are going to express themselves!

Doingthedo Fri 01-Feb-13 12:34:02

a young dad used to bring his DS to my local toddler group, he regularly went up behind his son, grabbed him by the leg and dangled him in the air, laughing - cue all other adults holding breath! the boy has turned into a complete ruffian and now age 3 runs up behind babies/toddlers and rugby tackles them to the floor/sits on the them/pushes them over - all learnt from his dear father...

CruCru Fri 01-Feb-13 12:36:01

This is a nice, fun thread. I'm sure I've seen some north London craziness; I'll have a think.

poozlepants Fri 01-Feb-13 13:34:34

We had a bfing group in the local church hall which was great apart from one of the HV who had to run it hated bfing and babies. There was a lovely Russian girl and when the babies were about 9 months one of the other Mums and I turned round to see her literally chuck her son about 12 foot into the air where he performed a perfect somersault and then she caught him. Turns out she had been doing this since he was little - she said that it was a Russian thing. I had missed out the explanation I just thought she had gone totally mental and had hurled her son into the air. I think I swore really loudly and the other Mum went white as a sheet.

mmmerangue Fri 01-Feb-13 13:44:23

poozle Like this Crazy Shit??

poolze - sounds like Russian Baby Yoga.

Buzzardbird Fri 01-Feb-13 13:53:27

I can recommend naked accordion playing, it gets rid of the pubey black hairs from round your norks.

Buzzardbird Fri 01-Feb-13 13:56:26

OMFG mmm that link is horrific! shock

ohdobuckup Fri 01-Feb-13 13:57:39

My god this thread s a classic, have had to clean me keyboard a few times...there's enough material here to write an award winning series!

Just watched half of mmmerangue's link shock

Didn't make it all the way though. Feel like I need a stiff drink now.

mmmerangue Fri 01-Feb-13 14:06:18

Horrific is right. Saw it first on Russell Howards Good News (even he didn't take it too lightheartedly) absolutely mental.

januaryjojo Fri 01-Feb-13 14:08:47

I just watched a bit of mmmerangues link.

I was sat like this shock then realised it was a doll.

Then she did it with a real baby !!! Saw about 30 seconds of that and switched off shock

Amazing.......in a bad way.

Thumbwitch Fri 01-Feb-13 14:20:01

Oh God, I couldn't watch all that link either - I just kept thinking "that baby's shoulder is going to dislocate!" Arrrgh - that's terrible. Poor thing.
<<going to have nightmares tonight about that now>>

Thumbwitch Fri 01-Feb-13 14:22:04

january, I don't think it was a doll in the first bit either... <<shudders>>

JollyRedGiant Fri 01-Feb-13 14:24:47

Oh my god! That was utterly mental. The baby was crying! Why on earth didn't she stop when the baby cried!?

Berts Fri 01-Feb-13 14:35:44

As OP, I'm happy with this being moved to Classics, if anyone knows how it's done?

Poledra Fri 01-Feb-13 14:41:42

Berts, report your own post and ask for the thread to be put before the Committee for Nomination to Classics:-)

Birthhippy9 Fri 01-Feb-13 14:42:04

Dear God I am almost crying myself after watching that woman spin the crying baby about.

Juanca Fri 01-Feb-13 14:48:21

Jesus, that baby yoga is extreme! Chucking a screaming baby into the air?! WTF.

peachypips Fri 01-Feb-13 15:28:46

Am sick at the sight of the baby yoga!

PoppyAmex Fri 01-Feb-13 15:41:07

Love turtle boy and freaked out at that clip!

To get your mind off it just check out my FAVOURITE youtube clip ever (also keeping with the turtle theme grin

Zombie Kid Likes Turtles

januaryjojo Fri 01-Feb-13 15:58:56

Holy crap * Thumbwitch*.

Just re-watched it with DH, on a bigger screen, you're right it is a real baby.

He managed a minute watching it.

sheepflower Fri 01-Feb-13 16:09:43

Sounds tame compared to the others on this thread but where I used to go there were a couple who always went together and were very 'coupley'. They had loads of 'in' jokes between them. An example is they had a thing about wearing nappies on their heads in different ways and pretending to be different people. Actually it sounds funny now but it was a bit creepy.

AmandinePoulain Fri 01-Feb-13 16:15:20

That poor baby in that clip shock, it was clearly distressed and I can't believe that the parent let her continue shock, I couldn't watch sad

coughingbean Fri 01-Feb-13 16:30:27

baby yoga made me abit sick in my mouthsad
I DO like turtles though

cocolepew Fri 01-Feb-13 16:33:56

Burkha woman and congoing vicar has just about finished me off grin

Clayhead Fri 01-Feb-13 16:42:55

I still want to know what happened at weegiemum's class when someone got arrested!!

mmmerangue Fri 01-Feb-13 16:45:50

Sorry if I dragged everyone off topic a bit with the mental baby-flinging...

So panpipes, yea, I'm going to get me some of them. You only live once!

Juanca Fri 01-Feb-13 16:53:30

I have panpipes, my eccentric dad gave me some for Christmas. They're very difficult to get a sound out of, so big respect to nudey panpipe lady, contending with the triple-whammy of a difficult instrument performing in the buff, and at a moment's notice.

oldraver Fri 01-Feb-13 17:00:48

I used to help run a toddler group and one day a lovely but slightly mad woman turned up with Cellotape across her fringe. It was one of those things were you just couldn't take your eyes off of it, we wern't sure if we should mention the Cellotape...as in maybe she had forgotten to take it off, but realised if she meant it to still be there we didnt want to make an issue of it.

As people spotted the fringe you could see the nudges go around. All these years later I would love to know why

ThreadPirateFanjoBeard Fri 01-Feb-13 17:03:50

OMG I can't believe that you think I was BU to play panpipes to DS. It was the only thing that soothed him and really, a bit of nakedness is nothing to be ashamed about. Can't believe you are calling me a panpipe playing elf. sad

UterusUterusGhali Fri 01-Feb-13 17:11:28

Please do a winking smiley, pirate...

<< watches from behind fingers>>

Dillydollydaydream Fri 01-Feb-13 17:13:02

That baby yoga YouTube clip is shock

MarthasHarbour Fri 01-Feb-13 17:14:32

shock that poor baby! I couldn't watch... sad

ThreadPirateFanjoBeard Fri 01-Feb-13 17:15:04

Sorry, couldn't resist! Good god, if I was to play panpipes in the nude, I would be arrested for GBH of the vision. grin

CruCru Fri 01-Feb-13 17:15:11

Hmmmmm. I did meet an Australian mum of twins (big respect) who spent the whole time cutting the kids' fingernails. It's odd but perhaps not quite batshit crazy.

Fringe tape is so she could cut it herself - you tape it so it stays still, then cut it straight across in a mirror.

Disclaimer: I have not tried this but it is a well known tip.

I imagine she got sidetracked by DCs partway through the job. No doubt she got home, saw the scissors on the side, touched her fringe and wailed "but why didn't anybody tell me". You bastards grin

Loving this thread.

2 days into this thread and it's burka last who's still making me snort at random moments.

That and richardsimmonstanktop's brilliant response
I'd quite like a friend like Burkha lady to mix things up a bit, keep me on my toes. You'd always be waiting for a clown or a uniformed maintenance man to sidle up to you and go 'hey - it's me!'

RapunzelLetDownYourHair Fri 01-Feb-13 17:51:05

ThreadPirate; GBH of the vision...<howling>

RapunzelLetDownYourHair Fri 01-Feb-13 17:52:29

I once went to a playgroup with two totally different shoes on. Like, a Nike trainer one on and ballet pump on the other. It MUST have been DS' doing somehow.

RapunzelLetDownYourHair Fri 01-Feb-13 17:55:45

HOW COULD I FORGET. Lady trying to spoon feed her DS (around 10/11mo) formula from a pyrex jug. I dunno whether this is batshit or inspired.

Playing in a sandpit aged about 3 ds1 was happily pretending to dig with an imaginary spade. Another little lad who ds often played with came over and suddenly started screaming at ds. His mother and I both ran over to see what the problem was.

The other boy was screaming that ds wouldn't share. Ds was desperately saying that he was just pretending and he couldn't share, at which point to his mum's mortification the boy started having a full blown tantrum.

Thinking fast I told ds to pretend to give the boy a spade. The boy seemed to like that idea so ds dutifully pretended to hand him his spade.

Instead of that solving things he screamed and screamed and screamed, when his mum asked what was wrong and reassured him he had the spade now, he shouted, "DS1 GAVE ME THE SMALL ONE!"

How do you argue with that level of insecurity?

Wallace Fri 01-Feb-13 18:14:56

That is fantastic grin

I am sure MNHQ are feeling bombarded, but I have added in my plea for this thread to be elevated to classics

And flowers to berts and all you brilliant vipers smile

UterusUterusGhali Fri 01-Feb-13 18:40:46

Actually roaring with laughter at that , crunchy.

crypes Fri 01-Feb-13 18:51:32

Also whenever i used to take the kids to the local.playbarn there was always,always a mother who had to crawl round the ballpool climbing area and ladder ONLY FOR UNDER EIGHTs incase her toddler got in to trouble. And these mothers usually had massive wide arses that could squash a toddler to death.

raininginbaltimore Fri 01-Feb-13 18:57:31

This thread has made me laugh so much. I'm getting strange looks
!

Trying to explain to a 3 year old that his imaginary spade is as big as his friend's was a new one on me grin

Cherryjellow Fri 01-Feb-13 19:14:05

Thankyou everyone for the funny stories! The burka, tortoise and spade are just classic!

Cherryjellow Fri 01-Feb-13 19:18:57

*turtle boy not tortoise smile

JollyRedGiant Fri 01-Feb-13 19:22:18

The imaginery spade is pure genius. I love that child! What an imagination!

The Vicar conga and double helix potato has me crying with laughter
You'd have ti be a pretty skilled carver to get a double helix print in one surely

RainbowsFriend Fri 01-Feb-13 19:44:26

I may have been the nutter with a bath thermometer before getting into the swimming pool..... blush

Reason being is that the pool/gym had been taken over and the previously lovely pool had suddenly become absolutely freezing - but the gym insisted it was still the same 28 degrees previously.

So I took the temperature and it was bloody 18 degrees! No wonder DD could no longer last 30mins in the water before turning blue....

DownyEmerald Fri 01-Feb-13 19:46:42

Love this thread - especially Baiji's queue desperately wishing their babies were all called Tom.

I wasn't brave enough to go to any groups and parent in front of other people who might be judgey!

But also because I went to a breastfeeding support group and sat by this woman who I vaguely knew of - her partner knew my partner via work - and she didn't recognise me but that's ok, and she told me all about craniosacral manipulation (have I got that right), and how it had transformed her child (for about 40 minutes).
Week later, back I went, ended up sat next to same woman - and she told me all about craniosacral manipulation and how it had transformed her child (for about 40 minutes).

I was just mortified I didn't know how to stop her, and totally mortified that I was so unmemorable. And I stopped going to groups -wish I hadn't now!

amazingmumof6 Fri 01-Feb-13 19:51:30

I'm still laughing at "mental naked elf!"

genius! grin

I've finally remembered one!

At the end of the playgroup I have gone to for 10 years (and now run!) there is an optional story and song session in an adjoining room. It is usually a nice little children's bible story (church playgroup) and a couple of kids bible songs with instruments. The story is usually something harmless like Martha and Mary, Jonah and the whale etc, nothing too heavy and has been very popular with the parents and kids.

The curates wife offered to join the rota to do "See and Know" (as it's called), and on her first time she did the story of the plagues of Egypt. As she went into great detail on each plague, she was holding up a large printout to illustrate each one as she told the story. So, pictures of locusts, frogs, gnats, thunderstorms, and darkness (this was just a black piece of paper hmm

She got to the plague of blood. I can still see the looks of horror on the other parents and (worried confusion on the childrens) faces as clearly as if it were yesterday. In a booming theatrical voice she described the GREAT RIVERS OF BLOOOOD in great detail. She seemed to keep repeating the BLOOOOOD bit a lot. All while she was flapping a blood red piece of a4 paper.

Everyone seemed frozen like this shock, and as she was about to move on to the firstborn sacrifices the usual leader who was sat with her unfroze quickly and said, "then all the people said sorry to God and everything was all okay now lets get the instruments out" (without even pausing for breath) grin

I still wonder what that printout would have had on it shock

It is our playgroup legend. We would joke for months afterward what she would do as an encore for Easter (They got these GREAT BIG NAILS and a GREAT BIG HAMMER......)

We have a different curate now, his wife is lovely grin

Seriously, think Brian Blessed for those bits in capitals. And the children were aged from newborn to 3 grin

Mine is at a soft play so I hope it counts...
A boy a year or two older than my 2yo ds pushed him over, trod on his fingers and whilst he was on the floor crying, kicked him.
I was across the other side of the room and could see it happening but couldn't get there fast enough.
When I did I shouted at the kid to get off and another dad came over and said he had just done the same to his dd.
I saw red. I said to the boy 'where is your mother?' and to my surprise he took me over to her.
When i got there she was massive and really rough looking and sitting with three other rough looking mums! I told her what he had done to ds and the other child and she barely batted an eyelid and said "say sorry"
That was it, he went off back to the soft play.
I was livid but more scared she might beat me up if I said anything else. Seriously though, say sorry!??!
I would have taken my kid straight home but then he would never behave like that....grr.

EverybodysSnowyEyed Fri 01-Feb-13 20:23:39

Rainbow - wasn't you as the mother deemed the water acceptable and got in. She did a lot of vigorous dunking which the baby spluttered his way through but was obviously used to!

I love the imaginary spade!

HSMM Fri 01-Feb-13 20:31:50

I spoke to a parent at toddlers, because her child was snatching, hitting, pushing, etc, etc and she said, "I've been told to ignore it". I asked if it was OK if I told him "no", but apparently that wasn't acceptable either. I spent the rest of the morning trying to place myself between him and my children, to protect them!

amazingmumof6 Fri 01-Feb-13 20:51:23

don't know what category this mum is, but when DS4 was born we had the following conversation

mum: so you had your baby then?
me: yes
mum: and what did you have?
me : another boy! (proudly grinning..)
mum: oh what a shame, a girl would have been nice!

cue me gasping for air.....

OliviaMumsnet (MNHQ) Fri 01-Feb-13 21:02:25

Hello all
Thanks for all the nominations for classics, we have moved this now but also changed the title so that the thread remains within our guidelines.

MNHQ

steppemum Fri 01-Feb-13 21:03:59

panpipes and the invisisble spade

excellent, funniest thread I've seen in ages

Moknicker Fri 01-Feb-13 21:04:38

The giant, robotic, black tortoise story had my crying with laughter. Great one.

Nothing to contribute unfortunately.

gussiegrips Fri 01-Feb-13 21:09:56

I was asked "ohmaigawsh, what did the hospital SAY?" when I was breathlessly recouting that morning's horror when I accidentally let the toddler eat a dog poo.

<looks lovingly at Bad Mum Award gathering dust under some school permission slips as yet unsigned>

Ehm, yes, lady...."help, I've let my son eat crap" "well, that's not really a matter for A+E, 5 fruit and veg, not too much juice..." "no, no, you don't understand I've let him eat a jobbie!"

Nope, humiliated enough as it is, thanks for your suggestion, Oh beautifully co-ordinated and quaffed one.

peachypips Fri 01-Feb-13 21:20:31

I just had one happen to me just now!!!! Although not at a playgroup so maybe not allowed- just took DS2 (he's 2.4) to A&E and it was rammed. We were sat very close to a lady and her friend.
They were talking very loudly about various inappropriate things. DS2 was snuggled in falling asleep as it was way past bedtime. The lady glanced at him, did a double take, then started singing loudly about ten cm from DS's face in a kind of falsetto operatic style 'lullaby baby..tra la laaaaa'. When she finished she turned to her friend and said 'I used to be in the front row of the choir you know.' grin

ThedementedPenguin Fri 01-Feb-13 21:35:45

This thread has inspired me to join up to my local group. I hope I have a n eventful time smile

JollyRedGiant Fri 01-Feb-13 21:39:44

Hope everything's okay peachypips

tunnocksteacake Fri 01-Feb-13 21:42:38

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

peachypips Fri 01-Feb-13 21:45:04

Yes fine- bronchiolitis Mach 3. Thanks for asking!!

I've just remembered another one.

When dd was about 2 she was playing at the other end of the hall to me at the toddler group I went to. I heard her scream and when I looked up I saw a little boy about 1.5 with his teeth sunk into her arm.

By the time I got to them he was still attached to her and I had to shout stop to get him off. Dd was bleeding and starting to swell so I went to get first aid.

My friend went to the mum and told her what had happened. Her response was to square up to my friend and say
"Well what do you want me to do about it?!"
shock

WilsonFrickett Fri 01-Feb-13 22:46:39

pictish were you in Scottish Youth Theatre 1988??????

geekette Fri 01-Feb-13 23:08:35

my groups are no fun admittedly. small imaginary spades are priceless!

LegoAcupuncture Fri 01-Feb-13 23:35:28

I was once asked to leave a baby group with my 10 month old as he was the only one walking, the other babies were rolling or crawling, and it wasn't fair on the other babies him being there. I'd been going since he was 3 months as well, he was also the only boy amongst a pool of girls all called Mabel, Ruby and Charlotte.

The group was from birth to 12 months.

amazingmumof6 Sat 02-Feb-13 03:09:49

my shopping list:

- panpipe charm for necklace
- pocket mirror for fanny parties
- travel pool thermostat
- kids' t-shirts with "Indian Squawk" and "Invisible Spade" logos
- babygrow with "I don't cry - too embarrassing" logo
- memory box for cakes and biscuit
- comedy BBQ apron with big boobs and the slogan " It's a great calmer...suckle on mummy"
- something with Conga Vicar
- handbag with "BLOOOOOD" in red glitter

as it happens I already have a black tortoise keyfob...grin

These stories are so funny, I feel I've missed out as all baby groups & toddlers I've went to have been full of normal-ish mums & dads. (eeek hope I wasn't the bonkers one?) smile

Idocrazythings Sat 02-Feb-13 08:41:52

amazing I want the baby grow too; actually maybe an adult sized singlet for myself- no, one for each family member and we can all match!

Mine would be the children's Playgroup Christmas party. All children were given a present and someone's (now ex) DH had been volunteered to dress up as Santa to give them out… sounds lovely… this DH though was quite a "shady" sort of person. He arrived in the costume, with a mate in tow. I'm sure he was on something too. He did not look like Santa as he was too skinny, the suit did not even pad him out and he just looked wrong. The kids were all a bit hmm mine didn't want to get their presents from scary Santa but to be fair they don't really like going to see Santa anyway

LetsKateWin Sat 02-Feb-13 08:43:58

I love:
Spade boy
Tortoise boy
The baby who was too embarrassed to cry and
The girl who was expressing the sadness if her previous life through her music

grin

IAmLouisWalsh Sat 02-Feb-13 12:14:31

I once went to a Christmas party for adults (residents association, so a few kids, but mainly adults) where Santa visited. Only the shop had run out of Santa outfits, so he was dressed as Donald Duck instead. With a sack of presents.

RichManPoorManBeggarmanThief Sat 02-Feb-13 12:19:50

Well the talk on "homeopathic placental encapsulation" sticks in my mind, but the mums have been quite sane grin

ubik Sat 02-Feb-13 12:29:09

There was a Steiner group where you all had to give thanks to the food goddess before you could eat your home made rolls.

Chandras Sat 02-Feb-13 12:36:41

We met with a couple who had a baby a couple of weeks before us. I arrived to the restaurant with my baby in a buggy, she was carrying her baby in some sort if scarf...

Then he opened her mouth and started to tell me off as it was totally and most unatural to carry a baby in a pushchair, that I will damage my bonding with him, couldn't I see that no other animal in the planet carry their offspring in an artifact???

Needless to say we never met with them again...

ThreadPirateFanjoBeard Sat 02-Feb-13 12:58:09

ROAR at Donald Duck Santa

sayanything Sat 02-Feb-13 13:40:08

RichMan, care to elaborate on the placental thingymabob?!?

amazingmumof6 Sat 02-Feb-13 14:18:55

chandras yet there she was, carrying her baby in a scarf! what a hypocrite! (her, not you!grin)

Santa quack, hehehe!

ChristianGreyIsAJackass Sat 02-Feb-13 15:38:04

Chandras, chances are that 'scarf' was a babywrap and cost a lot of money!

She sounds like she was rather judgey towards your pram though!

NeedlesCuties Sat 02-Feb-13 15:51:44

Chandras I'm a bit like that blush Don't carry my babies in a pram till they are past 3 months old approx.... But I wouldn't dare say that comment to someone who had their baby in a pram.

I'm hoping she wasn't trying to be so rude.

My babywrap wasn't too dear (got it for £20) but some can be around £100, likely less expensive than a buggy smile

Chandras Sat 02-Feb-13 16:07:47

I don't mind about the scarf (sorry I didn't remember the name of them) so no criticism whatsoever about the scarf (each to their own, I tried a baby sling and I don't know how many variations of it and DS wouldn't stop crying when he was in it), what I found ridiculous was the fact she thought I was a bad mother for using a pushchair.

Funnily enough, 6 months later I saw judgy pants crossing the street carrying her own offspring in an infamous... pushchair.

angrytree Sat 02-Feb-13 20:17:06

Love, love, love this thread!

My only mildly amusing story was from a library sing and rhyme session where they kept bigging up the fact that there was going to be a visit from Kipper the dog. When he finally arrived, the threadbare well-used Kipper suit was clearly far too small for the poor member of staff they'd roped in - there were several inches of extremely hairy forearm exposed between sleeves and paws, the suit didn't do up at the back, and the chap couldn't see out of the head. As soon as he appeared, half the kids burst into tears of terror, and Kipper then proceeded to stagger blindly around the room, knocking kids flying and trying to shake hands with bookcases. DS fortunately found the whole thing quite entertaining, and I think we were the only carer and child sufficiently untraumatised to appear in the photo at the end!

amazingmumof6 Sat 02-Feb-13 20:34:13

Kipper the monster, hahaha!

Pippinintherain Sat 02-Feb-13 20:45:21

A mum in a playground today.
Had an 18 month old on reins.

She never once let go of them. We were in a fully enclosed, child friendly play area, where did she think he was going to go?

Anyway, he clambered up the tiny climbing frame steps and she followed, grasping the reins still, had to shuffle her way across the little bridge thing, then squeeze herself down the teeny slide, all the while holding the reins tightly.

I was sniggering away to myself. Cheered up a pretty shit day grin

EverybodysSnowyEyed Sat 02-Feb-13 20:53:11

I saw a couple with their one year old (I knew she was one as they had been celebrating her birthday i the same restaurant my friends and i had just been with our toddler - lots of very loud comments about how their darling would know how to behave in restaurants etc etc) in the playground. they insisted she go on every single piece of equipment and the poor girl was terrified of some of them!

At the same playground i saw parents with a toddler who scrubbed every single piece of equipment with antibacterial wipes before he could go in it. It took them ages to do the slide!

RichManPoorManBeggarmanThief Sun 03-Feb-13 00:59:40

RichMan, care to elaborate on the placental thingymabob?!?

Well apparently, there are some people who eat their placentas. And the woo merchants have jumped on this bandwagon so you can get your placenta made into capsules which you then take as a dietary supplement. Lets ignore the flaws in that one for now.

As if that were not bad enough, there is also a homeopathic version, so you're paying vast amounts of money to have your placenta taken away, diluted so much that it's basically not your placenta anymore, and then sold back to you in 200 daily capsules.

I should add, our baby group is a bit odd, because it's run by a consortium of woo merchants alternative practitioners, basically as a way for them to get referrals for their other businesses. However, their clientele is really not very woo at all, so it doesnt really work for them in the way they probably intended, but as a "meet up and chat' group, it's really popular.

amazingmumof6 Sun 03-Feb-13 01:40:55

what's a "woo merchants"?

yes, I'd heard that in some cultures people eat placentas - can't quite remember who, why and what the ritual is - but unless it comes with fava beans and a red chianti count me out! grin

ProPerformer Sun 03-Feb-13 01:41:43

LOVE this thread!!

Relieved I have not spotted anything that would indicate me as a 'Barmy mum' yet

RichManPoorManBeggarmanThief Sun 03-Feb-13 07:39:30

"woo merchant" is just a word for people who peddle stuff that has absolutely no evidence backing it up at all- so placenta capsules, homeopathy, amber necklaces etc.

I can sort of understand eating a fresh placenta, although I imagine that most people have access to more appetising forms of nutrition so it wouldnt be necessary, but drying it out into a capsule??

PanpiperAtTheGatesOfYawn Sun 03-Feb-13 10:31:32

It took them ages to do the slide

That's the kind of entertainment I like in my playground grin

belindarose Sun 03-Feb-13 12:22:32

Not a thread to read while BFing a grumpy baby - he's very indignant each time I laugh!

We were at a HV clinic/ playgroup when DD, now 3, was a baby. She was just commando crawling and must have been about 8 months. Using immense effort, she dragged herself over the church hall floor to investigate the HV's rather impressive sparkly sandals. As she reached out to touch them, following her marathon, the HV shouted at her 'Those are MY feet and they belong to MY body. We DO NOT touch other people's bodies!'.

Of course, said HV went on to unceremoniously disrobe DD for her unecessary weigh in, touching her body, obviously!

LindaMcCartneySausage Sun 03-Feb-13 12:39:10

We were at a mother and toddler group at a church hall, which is also used for wedding receptions, parties etc. It has a lovely garden area and it was a sunny day, so we put some play equipment outside to let the children run about out there.

We realised that whatever party/wedding reception had used the outdoor area over the weekend had left a few minging pint/ wine glasses sitting on a picnic table. I went to collect them up, but this one mother beat me to it. But this mental nut job woman, instead of taking them inside to stick in the kitchen about 5 paces away, proceeded to fast-bowl them in the bushes - where the kids play for gods sake - and some smashed!! shock. I went mental and shouted she was off her head and she shouted back that the glasses were dangerous so she was getting them out the children's way. Yeah right - it's a hell of a lot more dangerous the have a load of broken glass scattered through the bushes where children crawl than to pick them up and put them back in the kitchen.