Given that most of us failed the on-line British Citizen test, let's make up our own questions about what it's like to be British?

(185 Posts)
MardyBraWouldDoEddieRedmayne Wed 16-Jan-13 16:50:36

original thread here

We need questions about British culture, class and manners, which would truly work out whether you knew the country. For example:

Which of these expressions would only be used by someone from the lower middle class:
- Bog
- Loo
- Toilet
- Lavatory
- Shitter?

List these supermarkets in order of naiceness.


What is a snakebite (tick all that apply)?
- A bite from a snake.
- A mixture of cider and lager
- A flaming from a nest of vipers

whiskeytangofoxtrot Wed 16-Jan-13 17:26:12

Place these slebs in class order :-
Katie Price
Kate Middleton
Kate Silverton
Kate Moss

whiskeytangofoxtrot Wed 16-Jan-13 17:28:05

Which newspaper do you read?

Daily Mail but only when I find it in a café

Is it Pardon or What?

AngryTrees Wed 16-Jan-13 17:32:14

You are waiting in a queue when a tough-looking individual cuts in to the front. Do you:

a) Shout at him to move to the back.
b) Tap him on the shoulder and politely explain that there is a queue.
c) Do nothing.
d) Glare at him and mutter passive-aggressively with the others, while not actually having the nerve to say or do anything.

Moominsarehippos Wed 16-Jan-13 17:33:59

What's in a beef burger?

TeeBee Wed 16-Jan-13 17:36:40

Which of the following is not a suitable 'nibble' for an adult dinner party?
Vegetable crisps
Pom Bears

whiskeytangofoxtrot Wed 16-Jan-13 17:36:49

What do you call the room in which you relax?
Front room
Living room
Sitting room
Drawing room
TV room
Entertainment complex

alexpolismum Wed 16-Jan-13 17:38:02

If someone bumps into you, what is the correct response?

a) swear at them
b) say sorry
c) give them a good kick
d) nothing

What are the small grey boxes on the back of satellite dishes called?

Answer: council houses.

whiskeytangofoxtrot Wed 16-Jan-13 17:48:39

You are making tea:
Mug or cup?
Bag or loose?
Lemon or milk?
Earl Grey or English Breakfast?

Nancy66 Wed 16-Jan-13 17:48:41

Mine is a two-parter.

Before she married Lady Mary shagged a diplomat at Downton who died

a) What country was he from?

b) which servant helped move the body?

Absy Wed 16-Jan-13 17:48:57

I'm writing a "culture guide" for a friend who might be moving to the UK, which has been fun.

Some key questions:
Are pants outer wear or under wear?

The following beverage can solve any problem:
a) a nice cup of tea
b) a glass of water
c) a cup of coffee

whiskeytangofoxtrot Wed 16-Jan-13 17:49:56

<enjoying this perhaps a bit too much>

You have workers/tradesmen helping out at your residence
DO you offer them a beverage? and if so, what is its colloquial name?
(and how many sugars are contained therein? wink)

EllieArroway Wed 16-Jan-13 17:51:39

What does it mean when someone says "Shall I be mother?"

a) They want to adopt you
b) They want to lick their hanky and wipe something off your face
c) They are offering to pour the tea
d) They are asking whether you think they might be pregnant

whiskeytangofoxtrot Wed 16-Jan-13 17:52:37

Complete the following sentence:

This is Davina. You are live on Channel 4 please do not __

Nancy66 Wed 16-Jan-13 17:54:00

True or false:

All UK teachers get 30 weeks holiday a year and when they are at work they always finish at 3

All doctor's receptionists are rude, opinionated bitches

Center parks is for posh folks while Butlins is for chavs

FairPhyllis Wed 16-Jan-13 18:00:27

You are visiting a National Trust property. True or false:

The main highlight of the visit will be the tea shop and gift boutique.

You are encouraged to sit on the furniture in the display rooms.

The entry fee will be very reasonable if you are not National Trust members.

What is the correct pronunciation of scone?

What is the correct way to greet an opposing football fan when you team has just lost?
a)Well played old chap
b)Headbutt in the face and a kick in the nuts
c)Change your alliagence to their team immediately

Which of these expressions means something is good
b)Dogs bollocks
d)All of the above

You are an MP, which of these expenses is not allowable
a)Wisteria clearing
b)Adult movies
c)Duck houses
d)All should be allowable but some odious little pleb keeps saying no

allegiance not the crap I typed

MardyBraWouldDoEddieRedmayne Wed 16-Jan-13 18:07:54

Oh, I thought this had died.

MardyBraWouldDoEddieRedmayne Wed 16-Jan-13 18:09:18

As a Johnny Foreigner, does the Daily Mail like you?

Only if you are white, speak English, are solvent and have a job (which no British person wants).

PastaDee Wed 16-Jan-13 18:11:23

Ha ha. These are great.

List those permitted to park in p&c spaces at the supermarket.

MardyBraWouldDoEddieRedmayne Wed 16-Jan-13 18:12:30

An acquaintance has a new job. Do you

a) ask them what the job title is, and how much the salary is?
b) congratulate them and leave it there?
c) skirt around the issue, asking what the responsibilities are and checking out their drive to see if there is a company car?

alexpolismum Wed 16-Jan-13 18:13:48

What is Kate short for?

a) Katherine
b) Kathleen
c) Bob

imogengladhart Wed 16-Jan-13 18:16:18

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FairPhyllis Wed 16-Jan-13 18:18:05

Multiple choice. The rules for the much-loved traditional game Mornington Crescent may be obtained by writing to which of the following?

a) The Controller of Radio Four
b) The CEO's office, Transport for London
c) Mrs Ivy Trellis, Pwllheli, North Wales
d) Karl Marx, Highgate Cemetery, London

lashingsofbingeinghere Wed 16-Jan-13 18:21:29

It's raining. Do you say to the person next to you at the bus stop

a) nice weather for ducks

b) this bloody country

c) well, at least it's good for the garden

d) bum, I left the washing on the line

f) none of the above. The British will only address a stranger if they are on fire, or similar.

MardyBraWouldDoEddieRedmayne Wed 16-Jan-13 18:29:23

Name which social class each of the following home furnishings styles would place you in?

Swirly carpets, mahogany veneer furniture, lladro porcelain figurines

Leather sofa, twigs and pebbly shit, laminated floor, large telly, sky dish outside

Stripped floorboards, oak kitchen table, farrow and ball paint, Egyptian bed linen

Inherited furniture, threadbare rugs, antiquated heating, oak panelling

5SpeckledFrogs Wed 16-Jan-13 18:31:56

You are at a party talking to someone you know slightly. Which of these are acceptable conversational gambits:
a) the weather
b) politics
c) religion
d) your recent STI test

You notice people smile at you in the street. Do you:
a) think how nice the locals are
b) check your skirt isn't tucked in your knickers
c) think they're all plotting to kill you

OpenMouthInsertCake Wed 16-Jan-13 18:32:02

Someone you've only met once before tries to greet you with a hug. Do you:

A) Recoil in horror. Make awkward movements to avoid actually touching them and end up being hugged anyway, all the while wishing the ground would swallow you up.
B) Eagerly return the hug.
C) Eagerly return the hug AND kiss them on the cheek.
D) Eagerly return the hug and try to cop a feel of their arse at the same time.

Nancy66 Wed 16-Jan-13 18:38:01

Rate these crimes in order of offence from 'a little bit naughty' to 'unforgiveable and deserves to be shot'

1) living in the city but driving a 4 x 4
2) giving your child a traditional name BUT changing the spelling
3) not cooking from scratch
4) buying coloured loo paper
5) not knowing the difference between 'there' and 'their'
6) allowing any child under 15 to walk to school alone

ginmakesitallok Wed 16-Jan-13 18:38:45

You get on a bus. Do you sit

A) on the closest free seat, beside the smelly person
B) on the next closest seat, next to teenager with headphones
C) on next closest seat, and ask person to move their bag
D) you stand

MardyBraWouldDoEddieRedmayne Wed 16-Jan-13 18:46:26

These are very funny. smile

Bearfrills Wed 16-Jan-13 18:52:28

You wake up to discover it's 15 degrees outside and a slightly brighter shade of grey than usual. The correct response is:

a. Nothing. It's a normal day.
b. Go back to bed.
c. Ring in sick to work and spend the day incinerating frozen animal parts on the BBQ while wearing shorts and a vest in order to enjoy the summer while it lasts.

Tammy attends university and works two shifts a week at McDonald's. How many Pot Noodles and bottles of supermarket own brand cider can she buy on pay day? Show your work.

MamaMary Wed 16-Jan-13 18:59:09

I'm very shock to see how many of these relate to class.

Is 'Britishness' SO tied up with class issues?

Must be. Bit sad reading these, not funny at all.

MamaMary Wed 16-Jan-13 18:59:34

The weather ones are good though grin

LineRunner Wed 16-Jan-13 19:02:13

Which TWO of the following statements are true?

The British eat horses

The British do not eat horses

The British do eat horses but just don't know they're doing it

FellatioNels0n Wed 16-Jan-13 19:04:18

You are standing in the middle of the street in minus temperatures at 2am in January in either Newcastle, Cardiff or Leeds.

Are you:

Wearing salopettes, a woolly hat and clutching skis?

Wearing hiking boots, a rucksack and clutching a map?

Wearing a nun's habit, a celice, and clutching a bible?

Wearing a mini dress with sick on it, bare legs, no coat, and clutching a kebab and a blue WKD?

A Public School is

a) a Government funded school that anyone can go to
b) one of 9 (later 10) very very expensive private schools
c) any private school

Is it possible to answer this question without upsetting someone somewhere?


Is 'Britishness' SO tied up with class issues?

This could be one of the questions.

And yes, Class is a major issue in this country and laughing at it is a good thing in my book.

Dollydowser Wed 16-Jan-13 19:12:13

What's the difference between a napkin and a serviette?

FellatioNels0n Wed 16-Jan-13 19:13:42

Fried eggs, bacon, fried bread, mushrooms, baked beans, sausage and --

is the missing ingredient

a) carrots

b) sour cream

c) maple syrup

d) HP sauce

e) ketchup

<sounds klaxon> Alert! This is a trick question designed to sort the wheat from the chaff.

OpenMouthInsertCake Wed 16-Jan-13 19:15:37

Read this sentence aloud:

The explorer decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

If there is only one 20-minute rain shower all day, what time will it be?
A) 6am when you're in bed
B) 10.30am when you're indoors
C) 3.25pm when you're waiting at the school gates.

What is a biccie?
What is a brolly?
What is TOWIE?
Complete the TV catch phrase "nice to see you...."

cocolepew Wed 16-Jan-13 19:23:55

Friday night is
a. Family night
b. Drinking night
C. Prayer night
d. Bumsex night

LineRunner Wed 16-Jan-13 19:26:44

Complete the TV catch phrase "nice to see you...."

... "I'm a gurning, juddering shit on legs"?

Nancy66 Wed 16-Jan-13 19:28:59

In what year was the anal sex law (for heterosexuals) repealed?

nickelbabe Wed 16-Jan-13 19:31:50

someone bangs into you in the street. what is the correct thing to do?
a) tell the person they banged into you.

b) get annoyed

c) apologise

A excellent and high,y amusing book for thread contributors: Watching the English - the Hidden Rules of English Behaviour by Kate Fox.

Link here

A friend suggests you go clubbing on Friday night. You decline because you know you will be too

Having marital back door relations

TheWombat Wed 16-Jan-13 19:47:41

'The loo brush is an essential component of any British bathroom.'

Critically discuss, illustrating your answer with examples of British bathrooms from your own experience, or from historical,, fictional or media accounts.

Mug: Milk before or after tea is poured?
Jacket potato: Grated cheese on top of beans or vice versa?

On which occasions is it permissible to
A. Steal a chip
B. Cop a feel
C. Poo in a householder's loo?
D. Bring an Iceland pudding to a festive meal at someone else's house?
E. Use your spare set of keys to enter your inlaw's dwelling place?

TheWombat Wed 16-Jan-13 19:49:53

You are going on a centre parts holiday. What will the neighbours think (in no fewer than 200 words)?

TheWombat Wed 16-Jan-13 19:50:20

Oh ffs. Centre parcs

MardyBraWouldDoEddieRedmayne Wed 16-Jan-13 19:51:45

I love Watching the English. I lent my copy to somebody and I can't remember who. Bastards, whoever they are.

FellatioNels0n Wed 16-Jan-13 19:53:01

It snows a bit for three hours.

Do you:

a) Grab a scarf and some sensible boots, then get in your car and go to work as normal.

b) Do a) but put a blanket and a shovel in your car for emergencies.

c) Go out in your car to buy ten loaves of bread then drive home and phone your boss to say you can't come to work for a week.

What happens when it snows a bit for three hours?

a) Schools grit the playgrounds.

b) Schools turn the heating up.

c) Schools call in a couple of supply teachers just to be on the safe side.

d) Schools close for the week so the teachers can sit at home wrapped in a duvet watching old movies and eating ten loaves of bread.

MardyBraWouldDoEddieRedmayne Wed 16-Jan-13 19:53:46

MamaMary. I think it's a fact of life that the British are obsessed with class. This is a thread laughing at this obsession amongst other things.

Demonstrate the pearl-clutch whilst hoping bosum and adjusting judgeypants. Extra points for shock face whilst harrumphing.
Further bonus if managed in a queue and you manage to elicit support from other queue members without making eye contact.

Oh FFS,hoicking bosom, fuck you iPad.

littlemisssunny Wed 16-Jan-13 19:57:59

You go to the sales and when you get thee a lot of people are waiting,

Do you

A) queue
B) queue and complain about the weather
C) just walk up and go straight in?

Nancy66 Wed 16-Jan-13 19:58:49

Wheelie bins. Good or bad?

your answer should be no less than 5,000 words.

kim147 Wed 16-Jan-13 20:00:35

Tipping in the UK is complicated. Can you explain who gets a tip and who does not get a tip and under what circumstances?

If someone bumps into you with a trolley, do you have to apologise?

MardyBraWouldDoEddieRedmayne Wed 16-Jan-13 20:00:57

You have a child genius. Do you

a) Tell everyone

b) Tell nobody

c) Steer the conversation around to their area of expertise at every opportunity, hoping that someone will ask you whether little Johnny is any good at maths/english/science, etc.

MardyBraWouldDoEddieRedmayne Wed 16-Jan-13 20:01:28

Ooooh. Discussion of the Day, no less.

TalkinPeace2 Wed 16-Jan-13 20:12:14

Magadlen is pronounced .... ?
Cholmondley ditto
Gloucester ditto
bonus question
Lympne ?

And even though nobody in your family ever when there, which team is dark blue?

bureni Wed 16-Jan-13 20:12:47

What way do you hang your union flag?

A/ On its side
b/ Upside down
c/ The correct way up

TalkinPeace2 Wed 16-Jan-13 20:13:32

PS I passed the test :-)
Knowing the six places to get an NI number - which did not include my method : it arrived in the post on my 16th birthday - was my fave

MrsApplepants Wed 16-Jan-13 20:20:55

Explain the correct use of the apostrophe in the English language.

What is 'British Bulldogs?'

Marmalade is a
A. Conserve
B. Preserve
C. Jam
D. All of the above

kim147 Wed 16-Jan-13 20:23:55

You want to get a cheap train ticket.

Explain the most effective way to do it.

DeafLeopard Wed 16-Jan-13 20:26:04


I'll add


to your list

DeafLeopard Wed 16-Jan-13 20:26:34

Jaffa cake:

cake or biscuit?

kim147 Wed 16-Jan-13 20:27:12

And I'll add Masham

MardyBraWouldDoEddieRedmayne Wed 16-Jan-13 20:29:06

Don't forget Leicester.

DeafLeopard Wed 16-Jan-13 20:30:01

There is a queue of people, someone pushes passed to the front, what happens next?

a Someone challenges queue jumper
b No-one challenges queue jumper, but everyone in queue exchanges tuts and eye rolls
c What is a queue?

kim147 Wed 16-Jan-13 20:33:42

How do you find out if your local primary school is any good?

1) Look at the OFSTED report
2) Visit the school and talk to the head and teachers
3) Hang around the school gates and listen to the parents
4) Ask a question on MN

And how do you ensure you get a place at the school?

kim147 Wed 16-Jan-13 20:34:58

Name the times of the year when you can expect all the shops to have sales.

(Ignore DFS as they always have sales)

Which way do you pass the port?

kotinka Wed 16-Jan-13 20:43:46

From the following list, name the biscuit that will:

a) maintain it's structural integrity long enough for a satisfactory dunk and fit pleasingly in a standard mug without having to nibble off a section first.

b) turn to a mucous like slurry withing 2 seconds of the dunking process.

You may choose from:
Digestive, Hobnob, Morning Coffee, Rich Tea, Supermarket double choc cookie, Garibaldi, Pink wafer, Bourbon, Water Biscuit, Gingernut.

For an additional 10 points, discuss the pros and cons of your choice if you feel that more than one answer is applicable.

kotinka Wed 16-Jan-13 20:44:20

Name 5 regional variations on the bread roll.

JustAHolyFool Wed 16-Jan-13 21:05:29

Which of these is it acceptable to complain about while in a queue?

1. the weather
2. how long you've been waiting
3. your boss
4. the strange odour that has been emanating from your genitalia for the past week
5. bloody johnny forrinner coming over here, taking our jobs

List the possible expletives you might hear in the following transport situations:-
a) Presenting a bus driver with a £20 for a £2.30 fare
b) Standing on the wrong side of a tube escalator

If a person makes eye contact and smiles at you in the street are they:-
c) not British

select the answer which is probably wrong.

If you are in a conversation with a British person who is being critical of the Government / Royal Family / Britain in general if you agree with them will they:-

a)appreciate you agreeing with their criticisms
b)unexpectedly turn on you like a cornered wildcat and tell you to sod off if you don't like it here

ElectricSheep Wed 16-Jan-13 22:28:17

Which sisters each wrote a masterpiece of English literature?

a) The Nolan Sisters?
b) The Scissor Sisters?
c) The Cheeky Girls?
d) The Three Degrees?
e) The Bronte sisters?

Rosa Wed 16-Jan-13 22:31:07

Quotes of this thread are bound to end up in a paper or mentioned on the radio or something its brill and I expect to take the test and hopefully pass this time....

TalkinPeace2 Wed 16-Jan-13 22:33:00

When hailing a taxi in Trafalgar Square, which of these destinations is NOT acceptable?
a) Harrods
b) Bishops Avenue
c) New Cross Bridge
d) Windsor Castle

Which station is at the end of the Circle line?

magimedi88 Wed 16-Jan-13 22:37:14

You are a reasonably intelligent mother.

Which forum do you join?

A. NetMums

B. MumsNet

C. PistonHeads

MardyBraWouldDoEddieRedmayne Wed 16-Jan-13 23:02:23

In which parts of the country are you most likely to find the following:

Traditional pasty
Black Pudding
Jellied Eels
Deep Fried Mars Bar?

TalkinPeace2 Wed 16-Jan-13 23:04:52

but the answer to the whole of your list is "Islington" grin

MardyBraWouldDoEddieRedmayne Wed 16-Jan-13 23:05:35

Morris Dancing. Just why?

MardyBraWouldDoEddieRedmayne Wed 16-Jan-13 23:05:59

grin at Talkin

MsMoastyToasty Wed 16-Jan-13 23:08:19

You wish to purchase goods at your local shop. How many times will the words "thank you" be uttered when you take your items to the till?

a) Once, by you, when you have paid for said goods

b) At least seven times - when you put your items on the counter (you and the cashier), when you take the items once they have been scanned (you), when you are given a bag (you), when you proffer payment (both of you), when you receive your change (you).

Which of these is not an agricultural event

a)National Farmers Union Conference
b) Royal Bath and West Show
c) Cowes Week
d) Countryside Live

MardyBraWouldDoEddieRedmayne Wed 16-Jan-13 23:15:09

Does anyone else keep getting adverts for UK Visa applications lawyers over there? ---->

TalkinPeace2 Wed 16-Jan-13 23:19:56

I have adblock set on my browser :-)

What is the correct temperature to serve bitter?
How much of the glass can be 'head'?

MardyBraWouldDoEddieRedmayne Wed 16-Jan-13 23:20:36

Which of these qualify for "national treasure" status?

Cliff Richard
Maggie Smith
Bruce Forsyth
Richard Branson
Piers Morgan
John Craven
David Attenborough
Claire from Steps
Peter Andre

HoHoHoNoYouDont Wed 16-Jan-13 23:22:27

From the UK benefits system you may be entitled to claim:-

a) Financial assistance
b) a goat
c) A trampoline
d) sky tv
e) all of the above

JustAHolyFool Wed 16-Jan-13 23:31:19

Are teachers:

a) highly respected professionals with years of education behind them, who want the best for the children in their class

b) interfering jobsworths who want us all to write essays about how much our child reads every night, and who will report you to the social if your child comes to school with a grazed knee or

c) slacker layabouts who get 45 weeks of holiday a year and spend the rest of the time colouring in

WaynettaSlobsLover Wed 16-Jan-13 23:33:54

I love being English. ;')

TheWombat Wed 16-Jan-13 23:40:18

Name three of each of the following:
Prime ministers
Winners of 'I'm a celebrity get me out of here'
Hugh Grant films

In no more than 50 words, explain the rules of the popular game 'Mornington Crescent'.

FairPhyllis Thu 17-Jan-13 00:02:10

Which of the following great British figures are NOT buried in St Paul's Cathedral?

Sir Christopher Wren
The Duke of Wellington
Jack the Ripper
Les Dawson
John Peel
Peter Andre
Sir Francis Walsingham
Lady Sybil Crawley

Salad cream is acceptable under which circumstances?
Come the Revolution, who will be first up against the wall?

FairPhyllis Thu 17-Jan-13 00:14:51

The greatest threat to the UK's national security at present is:

a) Al-Qaeda
c) Alex Salmond
d) France
e) Germany
f) France and Germany

FairPhyllis Thu 17-Jan-13 00:27:25

You bought a house a number of years ago which has tripled in value. An appropriate response to this situation is:

a) Phone up all your friends and relatives who rent to share the good news with them.
b) Angle dinner party conversations around to the topic of property so you can stealth boast about it.
c) Troll the forums on
d) Sell the house and blow all the money before the kids can inherit it.

Note: there may be more than one correct answer!

JoanByers Thu 17-Jan-13 01:46:54

Which of the following would you NOT expect to find in the average British town:

(a) A Polish grocers
(b) A Chinese restaurant
(c) A Mexican restaurant

JoanByers Thu 17-Jan-13 01:48:14

Which of the following is generally socially acceptable transportation in Britain:

(a) A Volvo XC90
(b) A bicycle
(c) A BMW 5 series
(d) none of the above

JoanByers Thu 17-Jan-13 01:53:54

Which of the following is NOT a way to gain access to a high-quality education in Britain:

(a) pretending to be Catholic
(b) renting a house in the right postcode
(c) writing to the Headteachers of your preferred school asking for your child to be considered
(c) having your 7-year-old tutored 10 hours a week for 3 years and then sitting an exam involving squiggles and patterns

FellatioNels0n Thu 17-Jan-13 03:31:24

How many Polish/Albanian men does it take to wash a:

Ford Focus in eight minutes, inside and out

A Range Rover in 6 minutes, inside and out plus luxury wax

A Fiat Punto in 12 minutes, outside only.

How many Polish/Albanian men can you fit in one three bed terrace in Pittyborrow?

FellatioNels0n Thu 17-Jan-13 03:38:27

You are a wishing to settle in Pittyborrow. Which greeting should you use when communicating with the locals?

What ho old chap!

Awright, cocker!

Eh oop me duck!

See you Jimmy!

Jak siemasz - yak syemash!

BoffinMum Thu 17-Jan-13 07:55:50

Can I just say that I lecture in social policy, amongst other things, and I only got 58% on the official test. I did notice that some of the answers in the multiple choice were either wrong or ambiguous. What on earth are they trying to test here????? Tories ought to do something useful and set a Shakespeare test instead, or adopt the MN one wink. Anything would be better than that.

BoffinMum Thu 17-Jan-13 08:00:37

You have an hour to yourself after getting the kids off to school. Do you:

Search the internet for a suitable prayer breakfast to attend.
Wash your front doorstep down to impress the neighbours.
Slump in front of breakfast TV with a cup of tea and a secret fag.

KenDoddsDadsDog Thu 17-Jan-13 08:07:44

In no more than 100 words, please explain how much Peter Andre loves his kids.

riveroise Thu 17-Jan-13 08:45:31

True or false

If you met someone at a social event and they asked you if you wanted to "to see their etchings?" they are inviting you to an art exhibition.

Lambrini is a vintage wine suitable as a gift to take to a dinner party.

FellatioNels0n Thu 17-Jan-13 08:50:34

Explain using 20 words or less the connection between Stella in Corrie and Whitnaaaaaay in East Enders.

*You may employ venn diagrams and flow charts.

FellatioNels0n Thu 17-Jan-13 09:01:40

You are invited to attend a 'shoot' on Boxing Day at the posh neighbours in 'The Big House', with all the land.

Do you take:

A bottle of wine and a bunch of flowers

A camera and some cocaine

A shotgun, a labrador and a hipflask

Clothing suitable for paint balling

A kalashnikov and a flame thrower.

WhatchuTalkinBoutPhyllis Thu 17-Jan-13 09:47:30

A person walks into a shop and purchases a star bar, flamin hot moster munch, an um bongo, 10 sterling superking and a lucky dip scratch card.

Which newspaper does this person chose?

a)the mail
b)financial times
c)the star
d)this person cannot read.

What is this person wearing?

a)a selection of different sportswear ie, adidas nike, gola and reebok
b)a barbor jacket with riding boots and a neckercheif
c)a onesie

What are this persons plans for the rest of the day?

a)sit in front of the tv watching jezza kyle, then completing the next level on call of duty.
b)going to brunch with old friends then off to selfridges for a spot of retail therapy.
c)back to bed

What is this person having for dinner?
a)pot noodle
b)duck confit with brocoli rabe
c)the monster munch and star bar

RubyGates Thu 17-Jan-13 09:47:39

You are invited to dinner at a large house.
It transpires that some of the guests have been invited to spend the entire weekend there.

Do you
a) Think "I'm glad I live so handily for such awsome repasts, I'm happy to ensure that there will not be thirteen at table and I shan't have to do any washing up on the staffs' night off"
b) Sulk because you were clearly an afterthought. But go anyway
c) Start a thread in AIBU about how everyone at houseparties should be asked to stay overnight because otherwise it's not fair innit?

TheSmallPrint Thu 17-Jan-13 09:51:01

Explain in 5000 words or less what exactly is a mum boot.

WhatchuTalkinBoutPhyllis Thu 17-Jan-13 09:55:29

Someone cuts you up on the motorway, do you

a) flip the bastard off

b) forget about it. Live and let live.

c) spend all day silently seething then take it out on your family when you get back home

d) bang on about it for the next week and bring it up whenever you travel on the motorway driver/passenger for the next 20 years.


Is Britain part of Europe?
Does Britain think it is part of Europe?
Does Britain want to be part of Europe?

Express as a percentage (with 0% being not at all and 100% being totally and utterly) how pissed off a Welsh or Scottish person will be at being described as English.

Where is the Calcutta Cup played? Which countries are involved?

TraceyTrickster Thu 17-Jan-13 10:22:05

Which is the correct response when you are offered a complement by an acquaintance:

a) smile graciously and say 'thank you'
b) smile and say ' I know I have always thought so'
c) stammer awkwardly and mutter something non-committal
d) ignore the comment completely and talk about the weather instead.

middleagedspread Thu 17-Jan-13 10:22:38

If you are invited to someones house, what time would you arrive for

Absy Thu 17-Jan-13 10:39:32

For Fell's shoot one, personally I would take a combination of b and e and have a freaking awesome time.

are you a Good Foreigner* or a Bad Forriner**?

*South African, Australian, American, Polish Plumber
** See Daily Mail for guidance

Absy Thu 17-Jan-13 10:44:25

Which of the following is responsible for the "destruction of the traditional British High Street":
a) evil national chains opening stores, turning High Streets into identikits with no character
b) well loved national chains going into administration and closing stores
c) both of the above

DollySisterMadeNoResolutions Thu 17-Jan-13 10:57:15

It is acceptable to pass comment on a stranger's parenting choices if:
a) She is breast feeding in public

b) she is formula feeding in public

c) she is not doing it the way you did it in your day, therefore you know better because "I have had children of my own, you know"

d) She is not doing it the way you did in your day, and although all experts agree that the modern way is better, you know better because "it never did us any harm"

e) She has brilliantly handled her child's very public tantrum, allowing her to walk away with her to

DollySisterMadeNoResolutions Thu 17-Jan-13 11:01:50

Argh! Fat fingers posted too soon!

...e) She brilliantly handled her child's very public tantrum leaving her somewhat embarrassed and in need of an encouraging smile

NameGotLostInCyberspace Thu 17-Jan-13 11:07:43

Your HMV vouchers will not be honoured.
Do you:

a) Write an e-mail of complain to the Manager?

b) Find out where the MD lives and go round there?

c) Go to your nearest HMV, pick up items to value of vouchers, leave vouchers on counter then walk out?

d) Throw vouchers in the bin and cry?

BoffinMum Thu 17-Jan-13 12:23:48

grin For the shoot you need the top 3. Obv a trick question. But we should have our own MN shoot where we take all of them IMVHO. Let's ask OliviaMumsnet and HelenMumsnet to be referees. gringrin

deste Thu 17-Jan-13 12:37:49

To all smokers from the rest of Europe, where is it acceptable to smoke:
In a pub
In a restaurant
On the bus
In a cafe
Next to non smokers
In fact anywhere but outside.

GinOnTwoWheels Thu 17-Jan-13 13:00:54

Part 1

If you go to someone's house for tea, what do you expect to be served?

A cup of tea
Tea, cakes, sandwiches, scones, cream and jam
pie and chips, shepherd's pie or similar
Any of the above depending on where in the country the host comes from

Follow up discussion questions
Tea or milk first?
Are tea bags in the cup acceptable or must one use a teapot?
Jam or cream on the scones first?
What penalty should be applied for anyone using canned squirty cream instead of clotted cream?

Part 2

What is supper?

A gathering at someone’s house with several other guests. A a naice 3 course meal will be served with lots of wine. People will talk about house prices, schools, politics etc
Milk and cookies before bed. Generally only had by children.

deains Thu 17-Jan-13 13:34:12

You are at a self-service checkout till.

The machine announces "Unexpected item in bagging area." Do you:

(a) Seek assistance from a member of staff
(b) Apologise to the screen
(c) Attempt to resolve the issue yourself
(d) Curl into the foetal position and cry?

JustAHolyFool Thu 17-Jan-13 13:34:47

London is:

a) the beating heart of our beautiful country, full of cultural and economic opportunities for all
b) a haven for the bastard bankers who are destroying the rest of the country
c) full of fucking hipsters with beards and glasses who do thousands of pointless MAs on Daddy's credit card while snorting up vast amounts of ketamine
d) a place where you can't get a chip butty but you can go and see almost any musical you choose
e) all of the above

Absy Thu 17-Jan-13 13:49:41

In which of the following scenarios is it alright to hug a complete stranger?
a) when they are upset and crying
b) when making their acquaintance
c) when very very drunk

FairPhyllis Thu 17-Jan-13 14:30:42


You need option e), for folk who live in Oxford:

e) kick up a fuss in the store leading to police being called on suspicion of a breach of the peace.

DollySisterMadeNoResolutions Thu 17-Jan-13 14:49:47

Is it acceptable to have gravy with your chips?

a) Yes. But only if the chips are served with a meat product.

b) Yes. But only if the chips are served with nothing else.

c) Yes. With anything. But only if you're from the north.

d) No. Never.

Moominsarehippos Thu 17-Jan-13 15:00:17

Is it acceptable to have chips with:
Maccaroni cheese
All of the above

coffeeinbed Thu 17-Jan-13 17:45:24

When is it acceptable to panic over the snow forecast and start cancelling trains?
a) at 1 inch forecast?
b) at 1 foot forecast?
c) at the simple mention of the word snow?

WhatchuTalkinBoutPhyllis Thu 17-Jan-13 19:10:55

Britain is due 2cm of show by tomorrow. do you-

a) realise you only go shopping one a week anyway so possibly not getting to your local shop for 2 days at the most is not the end of the world

b) do your weekly shop as usual and moan along with other sane shoppers at the idiocy of panic buyers

c) go to your nearest shop and purchase, 20 loaves of bread 16 pints of milk, 40 tins of scotch broth soup and 8 tins of spam.

You walk along the pavement when another person approaches going the other direction. That person makes eye contact with you.

How do you react?
a. You look away quickly
b. You smile and say 'Good morning'
c. You quicken your pace to get away from that weirdo

I can answer most of these - it's only taken 20 years in this country grin. I am going to have to chech the real test out, aren't I...

PoppyWearer Thu 17-Jan-13 19:37:04

The London 2012 Olympic Games were remarkable because:

A) it was the first time any city had hosted the Games three times
B) it was the first time anyone in recorded history spoke to anyone else on the Tube*
C) it was the first time a building project in the UK had been completed on time since 1950*
D) it was the first time since 1981 that Princess Diana was not on the front page of the Daily Express*
E) all of the above


Explain the cultural significance of Katie Price in no more than 20 words using words of no more than 2 syllables.

Which of the following belong in a correctly-made glass of Pimm's and lemonade?
- Pimm's
- Lemonade
- strawberries
- cucumber
- lemon
- lime
- random fruit from your fridge if you haven't got anything else
- ice

(If you answered "not a clue" to the above question, please immediately volunteer to run the bar at your local village fete.)

Is the current market price at a village fete for a glass of Pimm's:
A) £20
B) £25
C) £50
D) £100
E) whatever highly-inflated price the village fete committee wish to charge

RubyGates Thu 17-Jan-13 19:57:56

Trick Question.

Which of the following belong in a correctly-made glass of Pimm's and lemonade?
- Pimm's
- Lemonade
- strawberries
- cucumber
- lemon
- lime
- random fruit from your fridge if you haven't got anything else
- ice

Borage obv.

PoppyWearer Thu 17-Jan-13 19:59:13

Bonus point for Ruby!

lastSplash Thu 17-Jan-13 22:33:04

and castelnau

lastSplash Fri 18-Jan-13 00:43:13

(that was a mistake btw)

TalkinPeace2 Fri 18-Jan-13 10:46:03

Where does "The North" start
a) Gretna Green
b) Watford Gap
c) Birmingham
d) Primrose Hill

Where does "The West Country" Start
a) Chiswick
b) Chipping Norton
c) Stonehenge on the A303
d) Gordano Services

TheBitchInTheHouse Fri 18-Jan-13 11:45:11

e) all of the above (but not necessarily in that order)

ethelb Fri 18-Jan-13 11:50:12

Is the curent snow fall in London:

d)a cause for a national panic

kim147 Fri 18-Jan-13 11:53:33

Which national newspaper is known for featuring cures for cancer / dementia / blood pressure, Princess Diana, pensions crises, panic grips Britain and immigrants taking over our country stories as regular front pages?

a) The Sun
b) The Guardian
c) The Daily Express

coffeeinbed Fri 18-Jan-13 12:44:15

talking peace
That would be north of the river.

quesadilla Fri 18-Jan-13 13:55:18

What is the appropriately British response to a sudden, unexpected heatwave?

a) Venture out to enjoy the sun in a measured fashion after having taken precautions to protect yourself from the effects of dangerous UVA/UVB rays, either by dressing appropriately or using sun protection cream.

b) Stay inside in front of the television - the sun's not going away so why the rush?

c) Immediately rush out into the mid-day sun wearing: (women) strappy tops and (men) shirtless and with trainers without socks, without any skin protection whatsoever. Colonize the nearest available patch of open ground to where you are, along with your family, friends or colleagues, litter it with empty bear cans, sandwich and salad cartons. Spend as long as possible in this area. Go home to realize you are suffering from third-degree burns from sun exposure before spending the next week looking like a boiled lobster and feeling very sorry for yourself.

RubyGates Fri 18-Jan-13 14:50:09

Empty bear cans? grin

Bluestocking Fri 18-Jan-13 15:43:31

What is the correct condiment for a bacon sandwich?
<a> tomato ketchup
<b> brown sauce
<c> barbecue sauce
<d> none of the above

LineRunner Fri 18-Jan-13 15:59:51

Which is correct:

a) Tomato sauce
b) Tomato ketchup
c) Red sauce

Bluestocking Fri 18-Jan-13 16:13:55

grin LineRunner

amazingmumof6 Fri 18-Jan-13 17:34:57

I swore allegiance to the Queen to become a British citizen (now have double citizenship)

does that make me more British or less?

also I'm regularly being told that my spelling is outstanding and my grammar is hardly ever incorrect. (now that I've said that, I'm bound to make a mistake or too)

I had to learn the language from "scratch", but I wasn't forced to do that, it was my choice.

I'm not a foreigner anymore, but I don't fit into any of the classes either....

will I be ever considered British? probably not, because I did not grow up watching the A-team....

MardyBraWouldDoEddieRedmayne Fri 18-Jan-13 17:37:47

The A team isn't British though confused

I never watched anyway.

You are most welcome here though amazing. This thread is us poking fun at ourselves rather than trying to exclude anyone.

amazingmumof6 Fri 18-Jan-13 17:59:43

grin cheers!

ok, let me try

Q: if you unexpectedly (oh dear me!) turn up at anyone's house how can you tell whether they are happy for you to stay for a bit or wish you were never born?

A: the clue is - - - - - - whether they ask you if you want a cup of tea!

(do I pass?)

Bluestocking Fri 18-Jan-13 18:11:23

I've never watched The A Team, and I am as English as it's possible to be. But I do sometimes say that I love it when a plan comes together.

You've passed

Would you like a brew?

skratta Fri 18-Jan-13 18:42:33

I passed the online test thing.


mumzy Fri 18-Jan-13 18:45:17

One of my colleagues is preparing for her citizenship test so we are helping -- hindering-- her. However she still does not know the following vital facts which you need to be considered British:
1) what is Frank Bruno's catch phrase
2) why Joanna Lumley is considered a national treasure
3) which comes first, jam or cream on scones
4) queuing ettiquette

MaureenShit Fri 18-Jan-13 18:48:05

Dunno if you've seen but twitter did this last year

MardyBraWouldDoEddieRedmayne Fri 18-Jan-13 18:54:31

Ha ha. That is so true about Ant and Dec.
I'm afraid I don't do the Twitter much. I am too verbose.

amazingmumof6 Fri 18-Jan-13 18:55:59

ChazsBrilliantAttitude jolly good! and yes, please a cuppa would be lovely-jubbly!

mumzy - answer to 3 - depends whether you are in Cornwall or Devon!

anyway, if it's done the "wrong" way, just flip it over ffs!

insideoutsider Fri 18-Jan-13 20:34:24

Immigrant here!
I did the test last year and I passed with 24/24 - I got told my score when I mislaid my certificate...

So, I'm more British than y'all! Booyah! :-p

JustAHolyFool Sat 19-Jan-13 02:43:46

"y'all" "booyah" and outward gloating mark you out as totally NOT BRITISH.

You must learn to boast in a manner that suggests you are really quite reticent.

I suggest saying "oh well, I got 24, but it was only because I got a really easy test/studied for 20 months beforehand/shagged the tester".

JustAHolyFool Sat 19-Jan-13 02:45:57

Maureen I got ten out of ten.


amazingmumof6 Sat 19-Jan-13 10:38:10

other very British phrases and their meanings:

"would you like more ice cream?" means "I'd like more ice cream, but I'm asking you first, not only hoping that you will say yes, but that you will offer it back to me and than I can legitimately say yes to an kind offer - this way I can avoid the humiliation that would follow my otherwise shameful behaviour of just grabbing the box and fill my bowl with a second helping thus appearing greedy, rude and oh so unpolite"

"how are you" means " hi, this is awkward, go away immediately and please do not tell me how you are because not only I'm not interested, nor will I indeed remember the answer, but I most certainly don't have time for rude people who complain when one only says hello to be polite!"

"you should come over sometime for a cup of tea and a chat" means "I like you but I will never have or make the time to actually invite you in my house, but of course I expect you to immediately offer the same thing and if you don't invite me over I'll have a good reason to strike you from my Christmas card list!"

do I pass?

You are going to the beach in August, what do you take?
a) a bikini and a bottle of suncream
b) two fleeces and an anorak, fold up chairs, three windbreaks to build a wall around you, a flask of tea, a picnic, some suncream because last time the sun came out and you got a bright red face despite there being a wind chill factor of -5.
c) a and b because you never know.

insideoutsider Sat 19-Jan-13 12:56:41

@JustAholyFool, I rephrase:
I was examined for my Britishness and was found to have achieved an acceptable level having been correct in all my answers. I now count myself very lucky to be allowed to swear allegiance to the Queen :-) Is that better?

alexpolismum Sat 19-Jan-13 13:00:51

I have never sworn allegiance to the queen and I'm bloody well not going to

should I hand my British passport back?

Moominsarehippos Sun 20-Jan-13 08:52:37

I think I did in the Brownies.

MardyBraWouldDoEddieRedmayne Sun 20-Jan-13 12:42:36

Oh it's gone into classics! smile

FellatioNels0n Sun 20-Jan-13 14:13:50

Oh good show!

MardyBraWouldDoEddieRedmayne Sun 20-Jan-13 15:20:56

Yes, let's slap each other on the backs.

ChristianGreyIsAJackass Sun 20-Jan-13 15:25:11

Ive been leaving work for the last hour... but i couldnt stop reading this thread <rubs aching cheeks>

TalkinPeace2 Sun 20-Jan-13 16:51:19

At my citizenship ceremony my (British) kids were shocked that I had to swear allegiance to the Queen - as those born here do not.
Then again it was far more moving than I ever, ever thought it would be. Realising what others had gone through to get to that place was humbling.

But then I've just spent the weekend in nappy valley.
Meeting a well know TV person who was shocked that we wanted to drive back to Hampshire was amusing.

TalkinPeace2 Sun 20-Jan-13 16:52:59

Q : On a public holiday when much of the population want do travel do the trains run
A1 : A normal service
A2 : Sunday - less than a third of the trains - service
A3 : Extra services to meet the demand

Suzer777 Mon 21-Jan-13 21:35:01

I'm undoubtedly a foreigner...dying to hear the correct answer to some of these questions!

amazingmumof6 Thu 24-Jan-13 21:40:08

dollydowser - answer to your question: the difference between a napkin and a serviette is the same as the difference between a chiropractor and and osteopath - which is SPELLING!smile

<not shouting, emphasizing!>

RubyGates Fri 25-Jan-13 01:29:13

Another trick question TalkinPeace

A4. They run a replacement bus service as they have closed most of the line down for repairs.

amazingmumof6 Fri 25-Jan-13 14:05:43

what is the correct way of accepting a cup of tea?

1, yes

2, yes, please

3, that would be lovely/nice

4, it doesn't matter what you say, really, as long as the first thing coming out of your mouth is "oooooh" as in " what a surprisingly good idea!"

amazingmumof6 Fri 25-Jan-13 14:31:41

Q: what is the most British behaviour presented by my 5 year old?

A: I checked on him when he was asleep and tried to put his blanket back on. As I gently moved him, he said sorry. in his sleep! grin

TalkinPeace2 Fri 25-Jan-13 14:35:22

Gosh, yes, correct use of the word "Sorry" absolutely separates those who were born here (or have lived here for over 40 years) from t'others

britishcitizenshiptest Mon 13-May-13 10:36:07

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