Biblical Mumsnet

(272 Posts)
BlameItOnTheChoirOfAngels Thu 06-Dec-12 10:59:31

TheVirginMary: AIBU to think that dh could have at least booked a hotel?

Relationships: DH is coveting our neighbours DW, should I LTB or wait for God to smite him?

Good Housekeeping: Feck! How do I get rid of a plague of locusts?

Gifted & Talented: Is my son developing quicker then normal? He keeps turning his water into wine! Fed up of him coming home from nursery pissed. Anyone else been through this?

Chat: Just wondered if anyone else were virgins and carrying a child that wasn't their partners?

Sleepyfergus Thu 06-Dec-12 11:03:28

AIBU - should I say something to this mother? She lets her newborn baby sleep in a stable surrounded by unsanitary animals

Feminism - why 3 wise MEN? Why is there not a wise woman or women?

Sleepyfergus Thu 06-Dec-12 11:04:21

Fanjos Lol grin

Djembe Thu 06-Dec-12 11:05:06

Pushchairs: Is anyone else a bit disappointed with the Bugaboo Donkey?

BlameItOnTheChoirOfAngels Thu 06-Dec-12 11:05:32

Are you all ready for the flood? dh wants to let in the animals 2 by 2, but how on earth will I keep the ark clean?

SantaIAmSoFuckingRock Thu 06-Dec-12 11:05:55


Baby Names: I like Dave or Steve but the father is acting all high and mighty and demanding Jesus. Sounds like a bearded man's name to me but holy arsehole likes it

Legal: How much CSA am I looking at getting if my baby's dad is the creator of the world?

GreenyEyes Thu 06-Dec-12 11:07:42

AIBU to Leave The Bastard? DH not come home from work. Apparently he and his workmates have decided to 'follow a star' hmm

BlameItOnTheChoirOfAngels Thu 06-Dec-12 11:09:26

Eve: recipes for apples, please!

Behaviour/Development: my son stinks. Every time little Moses gets in lake to wash he parts it! How do you manage?

Sleepyfergus Thu 06-Dec-12 11:10:00

AIBU - why do people not stick to a gift list? What the bloody hell am I supposed to do with Myrrh? A Kitchen Aid food processor is on the list for a reason.

SantaKittenClaws Thu 06-Dec-12 11:10:25

Chat: What's the weirdest new baby gift you've ever had - I just got given some myrrh by a complete stranger. WTF is myrrh anyway?

SantaKittenClaws Thu 06-Dec-12 11:11:02

x post sleepy grin

Sleepyfergus Thu 06-Dec-12 11:11:54


BlameItOnTheChoirOfAngels Thu 06-Dec-12 11:12:57


15 and still not married, is there something wrong with me?

MuffinPaws Thu 06-Dec-12 11:13:43

Fishnet - there is a big do coming up and only five of us. Should I be worried?

AIBU: To eat the apple? I'm hungry and eating one apple can't do any harm. Can it?

GreenyEyes Thu 06-Dec-12 11:14:51

Since he found out FIL had been about to sacrifice him as a show of worship to the Lord, DH's relationship with PILs has been somewhat strained. Should we give going round to theirs a miss this Xmas?

LRDtheFeministDude Thu 06-Dec-12 11:15:40

AIBU? My step-son ran off and got caught up with a load of priests. DW and I blame each other. I want to punish him and take him for a check-up with social services but DW just witters on that he must be G&T because he was talking about theology with them.

PS: we think he's emotionally disturbed: he keeps mentioning his 'father's house' and I know that waster is long gone!

Tack Room: Did anyone else see four hours go by the other night? One of them a pale horse? I do hope they're being properly treated.

Relationships: DH really, really wants another baby, though he already has several from a previous marriage and from his ex's slavewoman. I have one but can't seem to get pregnant again. Which is better, IVF or getting my slavewoman to shack up with him too?

LRDtheFeministDude Thu 06-Dec-12 11:16:46

Tack Room: Did anyone else see four horses go by the other night? One of them a pale horse? I do hope they're being properly treated.

(It would help if I could type.) blush hmm

BlameItOnTheChoirOfAngels Thu 06-Dec-12 11:18:34

StElizabeth: conception, after years of infertility I am FINALLY pg, now my 15yo unwed cousin (who insists that she is still a virgin hmm) has announce that she is pg with the saviour of the world. AIBU to pissed off that she's stealing my thunder?

grin you lot crack me up

BlameItOnTheChoirOfAngels Thu 06-Dec-12 11:20:21

In The News: what do you all think of Herod's new decree,, ordering first born sons to be slain?

MuffinPaws Thu 06-Dec-12 11:20:42

Arts and crafts - any funky ideas for a basket so I can hide my baby in the bullrushes?

AIBU: She's not having my child so why should I pay for a Inn. She cam give birth in a barn for all I care. It's God this, God that.

GrimmaTheNome Thu 06-Dec-12 11:20:51

Style and Beauty: I've found the perfect jacket, but it's a wool-linen mix.sad

BlameItOnTheChoirOfAngels Thu 06-Dec-12 11:22:24

style & beauty: I need a new sackcloth, can anyone find an alternative to this Hobbs one?

BlameItOnTheChoirOfAngels Thu 06-Dec-12 11:24:13

Vaccinations: pros and cons of the new Leprosy vaccine?

GreenyEyes Thu 06-Dec-12 11:24:20

AIBU to think DH should have asked these visitors to leave?

Seriously, just given birth to our first child- a donkey, some sheep, a whole bunch of shepherds, cattle lowing all over the place and three visiting dignitaries. Is a little privacy too much to ask?

AIBU: I told my son to get washed. Instead he started running around on top of the water. Should I send him to bed with no supper? He was meant to be making it for 5000 closest family and friends

BlameItOnTheChoirOfAngels Thu 06-Dec-12 11:25:53

should I send G+T ds to a public or state temple?

SantaKittenClaws Thu 06-Dec-12 11:27:58

I haven't seen DS2 for a while, and Cain (DS1) has been looking shifty ever since they went to play in the local you think I should be worried?

GrimmaTheNome Thu 06-Dec-12 11:28:48

Feminism/Women's Rights: [silence] <sorry, not allowed to teach>

SantaKittenClaws Thu 06-Dec-12 11:30:04

DH says he wants 30 sons and 30 daughters - I think this is a bit excessive. Who is BU?

GreenyEyes Thu 06-Dec-12 11:30:29

AIBU to want some 'me time'?

40 days and 40 nights isn't too much to ask is it?

GrimmaTheNome Thu 06-Dec-12 11:31:38

Weather: OYBBK, can this forecast possibly be right? I mean I know we've had some wet summers but 40 days and nights of rain seems a bit much.

Chat: What stupid things do your husband's agree to? Mine is building a ark because God said so!

LRDtheFeministDude Thu 06-Dec-12 11:32:32

Nicely done grimma.

Feminism: AIBU to worry that my carefully-written gospel, with first-hand accounts of Jesus' life, may not be totally safe with that shifty publisher Paul? He says, yes, Mary, of course it'll be clear you were Jesus's right-hand woman, but somehow I don't trust him ...

BlameItOnTheChoirOfAngels Thu 06-Dec-12 11:32:35

AIBU? we were supposed to have goat for dinner, but dh has sacrificed it. WIBU to feed the family on loaves and fishes instead?

BlameItOnTheChoirOfAngels Thu 06-Dec-12 11:33:46

(ps, these are ace)

Chat: Please tell me it's not just my husband that talks to a burning bush ans then decides its a sign from god hmm

Lilymaid Thu 06-Dec-12 11:44:12

DH thinks we should have a child, I'm about 80 and he's 100 so I laughed at him ... but I have a strange feeling that I'm pregnant. I don't know how he'll cope, he's so tied up with his religion that he would happily sacrifice the child on an altar if he thought God wanted him to do that.

BlameItOnTheChoirOfAngels Thu 06-Dec-12 11:45:35

looking for a new 4 bed house close to good state schools, whats Sodom like?

ghoulelocks Thu 06-Dec-12 11:45:54

AIBU: To think my cousin is has gone one step to far this time, she's claiming that it's ok her DH isn't the father because God is!!! The shame...

Pregnancy: I'm finding it hard to calculate my due date as the date the angel visited and the date of my LMP don't tally up.

Relationships: MY Dh Samson thinks he's the life and soul of every party, now he's literally gone and brought the house down. LTB?

AIBU: To refuse the kids a Christmas tree? Last time we dealt with a lighted bush it was followed by 40 years in the wilderness

AIBU: To prefer it when the water became wine to this new fashion for blood in a cup?

G&T: I'm so proud of my Noah, he floated his stock just as everyone else went into liquidation.

Mumsnet local: We are the original Christmas club, come along for tea buiscuits and a warm welcome.

AIBU: To complain the female toilets at my University are being used by someone who I KNOW just pretends to eat, drink and be Mary.

AIBU: Our Danny as been fucking about in a den of lions. Now he wants to one home!

Style & Beauty: I gave my son a Technicolor coat and now I think his siblings may be jealous. Where can I find similar ones?

BlameItOnTheChoirOfAngels Thu 06-Dec-12 11:53:36

AIBU to tell MIL to stop sending us false idols for gifts?

vladthedisorganised Thu 06-Dec-12 11:55:06

Sleep: DS1 keeps waking up in the night. Suspected night terrors but he's not distressed, just insists someone's shouting for him and blames me. WIBU to send him to the local temple for a bit so I can get a decent night's kip?

LRDtheFeministDude Thu 06-Dec-12 12:01:43

ghoule you are a genius. grin

Relationships: DH keeps comparing my teeth to flocks of sheep, my norks to gazelles and he says I'm a right mare to look at. I think his breath smells of wine. Should I be concerned or is this actually deeply romantic and erotic?

FiftyShadesofTurkeyGravy Thu 06-Dec-12 12:02:53

DS says he can walk on water and he's been boasting that he caught 153 fish in one net the other day! - do you think he's started taking drugs? Who can I talk to?

AdesteFiderer Thu 06-Dec-12 12:07:46

AIBU: I'm sick of going to weddings with DB. Every time the same, the booze runs out and he ponces about in a cloak claiming he can turn water into wine hmm Us brothers don't get a look in with the girls after that envy

GrimmaTheNome Thu 06-Dec-12 12:07:47

Childbirth: Look, its not my fault Eve ate that sodding apple, get me some pain relief!

AdesteFiderer Thu 06-Dec-12 12:12:42

Step-parenting: My dss keeps wandering off. His mum sent him to the market for some Fruits of the Shoot and he was gone for hours. Whole neighbourhood out searching. We finally found him in a temple whinging on to some deaf old gits and he claimed it was his father's house shock

I've looked after him since his mother was pg with said invisible father. Also, AIBU to be upset?

JugglingWithPossibilities Thu 06-Dec-12 12:14:12

AIBU to be pissed off ? DH and I were just leaving our home town - admittedly it's been a bit dodgy recently and going down hill fast - anyway DH said he'd had a strong message that it was time we left so we packed our bags and set off ... but I'm still fond of the old place - in spite of everything we made some good memories there ... anyway on the road out of town I just turned round to have one last look at the place and I was turned into this pillar of salt. WIBU ? and WWYD ?

MuffinPaws Thu 06-Dec-12 12:18:41

Christmas - my uncle Methuselah is 76 and comes round to ours every year. PITA. Tell me this is not going to happen for much longer?

GreenyEyes Thu 06-Dec-12 12:25:17


Are we having a Passover Name Change competition at all?

BlameItOnTheChoirOfAngels Thu 06-Dec-12 12:29:42

Is it too early to lay down my palm leaves?

AIBU: My son was born on the same day as this other woman in my village yet the day is been named after him and its all about him. So what if he can turn water to wine! The mother wears Huggs and has permanent scribblings on her arm

BlameItOnTheChoirOfAngels Thu 06-Dec-12 12:40:41

Dh has this harebrained idea that he can lead us out of egypt, aibu to think that the pharoahs will never allow it, esp with these plagues!

GreenyEyes Thu 06-Dec-12 12:41:25

Dreadful stealth boast I know, but my pfb really is the Son Of God

GreenyEyes Thu 06-Dec-12 12:47:25


I shouldn't really laugh but there's a child in my Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego's school called George pmsl

BlameItOnTheChoirOfAngels Thu 06-Dec-12 12:50:29

george? What's with this trend for modern names with odd pronunciations?

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GrimmaTheNome Thu 06-Dec-12 13:01:01

Gardening: one of my fig trees has suddenly withered. I've been told that someone who wanted to scrump some fruit cursed it, but as it's not even fruiting season that seems an unlikely explanation. What could be the cause please?

GrimmaTheNome Thu 06-Dec-12 13:01:54

Legal matters: someone has driven my herd of swine over a cliff. How do I go about claiming compensation?

AdesteFiderer Thu 06-Dec-12 13:13:25

My Uncle Paul has always been a right cocky know-it-all. Mum said she didn't ever want to hear any more about his latest Zealot commendations and travels to oh-so-posh-and-exotic cities.

Now he's sent word (scrawled on some forrin leaf by a minion) that he's had some accident on the road to Damascus of all places, had a vision (drunk no doubt) he can't see (no Specsavers hmm ? )and we're to hasten there.

We don't even know if he had "Not your fault Plague/Pestilence/Rabid Donkey/Deity Trouble" cover.


GrimmaTheNome Thu 06-Dec-12 13:17:46

Sorry, I thought your uncle was called Saul, is he a namechanger?

joanbyers Thu 06-Dec-12 13:19:45

I've got my mooncup in. Am I ritually unclean? Do I need to make any burnt offerings?

AdesteFiderer Thu 06-Dec-12 13:22:48

Grimma he is, the bastard. My aunt was always suspicious when dancing girls kept calling out to him.

ScumbagCollegeDropout Thu 06-Dec-12 13:23:36

Haha these are brilliant! Classics anyone?

EcoLady Thu 06-Dec-12 13:26:55

I've been working hard all week. I made light, earth, fishes, animals, even a model of myself. Now I'm pooped. AIBU to just want a day off?

GrimmaTheNome Thu 06-Dec-12 13:28:10

EcoLady - love your name in that context! grin

The people I created are been dicks. AIBU to send some locusts to them? Any other suggestions welcome

AdesteFiderer Thu 06-Dec-12 13:29:09

I am angry My mate Mary has a friend, drug-dealer I reckon. This poor bloke, Lazzie, was off his head on something drizzled on his olive leaf and passed out.

Then along comes Mary's mate, Jezzer, and slips him some upper/reviver and lo, Lazzie is fine, gets up and shins up a palm tree. Everyone is shouting "Yay, Lazarus, yay Jesus" but I have an uneasy feeling about it. WWYD?

AdesteFiderer Thu 06-Dec-12 13:34:24

One more nosy bastard complains about the donkey, sheep and the 3 foreign gentlemen I keep in my garden shed and I'll call BiblicalAnimalTourismWatch.

And there is NOTHING wrong with my manger either.

Is your manger under warranty? You should be able to afford alsorts with the CSA you will be getting off Jesus' dad!

necklaceofraindrops Thu 06-Dec-12 13:37:01

Food: I'm worried my son John is only eating locusts and honey - how do I get him to eat a more balanced diet?

Try him with a few leaves. Make then sound like a donkey pulling a cart as you put them near his mouth. He will love it

AdesteFiderer Thu 06-Dec-12 13:46:07

I work for the Roman Tourism Board. I had an idea to re-name the Via Dolorosa the

Viatissima X-Factorossima

and have lithe oiled dancers and minstrels ooze and gyrate their way along while the crowds squeal and throw gold coins.

The winner strangles the other competitors and dances naked in the fountain of TrevorFailedPopStarus while I collect the gold coins and leg it to... not saying

JugglingWithPossibilities Thu 06-Dec-12 13:54:09

AIBU to dump my girlfriend. We were gonna get married next year but she's just told me she's pregnant and I know for a fact it's not mine. She's such a sweet girl and I still love her. I can't believe this has happened. WWYD ? I think I'll have to sleep on it and decide what to do in the morning ....

WIBU to cut my boyfriends hair? He claims it's the source of his strength but I just think he's overly invested in a style which is so last prophet!

SantaKittenClaws Thu 06-Dec-12 13:59:35

Last Friday my DS went out with his mates and ended up getting absolutely crucified. Literally. I mean I didn't even see him all weekend. Now, a few days later, he's made a miraculous reappearance and expects everyone to carry on as normal because he is the "son of God" hmm. Does anyone else think he might be a narcissist?

GetAllTheThings Thu 06-Dec-12 14:05:09

Relationships : I've been married for a short while, we've moved around a lot and struggle with money, but my wife and I have yet to actually have sex. Now she's pregnant !!! And claims it was the Holy Spirit. Should I leave her and will I be liable for CM if it's not my child?

Dadsnet Hi, my dad is omnipotent and it's rather awkward now that I'm a teenager and have..erm... needs.

Relationships My wife has recently turned to a block of salt, it's putting a strain on our relationship as she shows a distinct lack of affection these days ( although is quite handy when I run out of salt in the kitchen ) . Any advice ?

Recipes And advice on what to cook with a few loaves of bread and a couple of fish ? We've a lot to feed so need to make it stretch.

feminism Not allowed to partake in stoning session this morning, not sure how I feel about it.

FayeKorgasm Thu 06-Dec-12 14:08:51

General Health: Help, I've got a burning bush! Is it thrush?

GetAllTheThings Thu 06-Dec-12 14:09:50


GetAllTheThings Thu 06-Dec-12 14:11:28

AIBU : Would it be unreasonable to leave the dinosaurs off my new boat ? I have two of everything else.

cynnerthenaughtyreindeer Thu 06-Dec-12 14:13:12

AIBU to give away frankincense and myrrh given as baby gifts? Allergies you know!
Financial: Jesus saves, but Moses invests...

GetAllTheThings Thu 06-Dec-12 14:14:43

S&B : Dressing for the rapture ? How to get it right.

JugglingWithPossibilities Thu 06-Dec-12 14:20:09

We three Kings of Orient are .... traveling to meet a newborn baby King ... we're following his natal star ... yes, I know it sounds unlikely but bear with me ....
Thing is Mumsnetters what do you think we should take as gifts ?
I thought you'd be the people to ask ...
What would be useful, you know really appreciated ?!
Thanks for your help xxx

AIBU to deny my husbands favoured son his birthrite? He favours our eldest son, who is always out hunting and barely acknowledges me when he is around but I think it should be going to our younger son who is such a clever boy, studies hard and treats me as a mother should be treated, wibu if I helped him trick my husband into giving him the birthrite?

AnnaBegins Thu 06-Dec-12 14:28:52

AIBU: We had a visitor today, some bloke named Jesus, and my sister Mary just sat and chatted to him all day and left me to do all the cooking and cleaning! Then our guest had the cheek to say "Martha, Mary's got the right idea"!! AIBU to kick her out and tell him he's not welcome here again?

Good Housekeeping: Any advice on keeping a stable clean? The animals make such a mess!

GrimmaTheNome Thu 06-Dec-12 14:30:52

Behaviour/Development: I'm so tired of broken nights, DD wakes up if she gets damp...I mean, I know it says 'we shall not all sleep but we shall all be changed' but its getting a bit much.

<I must attribute this one to my lifelong churchgoer late mother>

AnnaBegins Thu 06-Dec-12 14:31:25

Relationships: My husband keeps nagging me to praise him at the city gates, I know I've been putting it off, but I cba. Should I LTB?

GetAllTheThings Thu 06-Dec-12 14:31:48

chat Friday night living in Sodom and bumsex thread

headinhands Thu 06-Dec-12 14:34:27

Aibu to be annoyed that I work all the hours god sends while all these layabout lepers do nowt all day and they all seem to have new widescreen abacuses

Plomino Thu 06-Dec-12 14:35:31

AIBU - to think that my SIL Mary Magdalen is being a bit too precious about her carpet ? Some carpenter turned up last week (for a quote I think he said , or maybe it was a sermon I can 't remember , sorry not drip feeding ) and not only did she make him take his shoes off, but she washed his feet as well ! It's a bit much dontcha think ?

timetosmile Thu 06-Dec-12 14:43:47

Food: What do you mean, no more black pudding?

AIBU: My youngest DS spends his whole time playing in the fields when he should be minding the sheep etc. Harp jammin', slingshot 'practising'. Total waste of time. Shouldn't he be doing something more productive towards his future?

AIBU: to think Jezebel is a right whore?

Relationships: I feel soo frustrated maybe my HRT dose is too high DH doesn't understand my needs and spends the whole time poing over plans of pyramids. I thought this young foreign chap that works in our house really fancied me, but he's turned me down flat. WWYD? Mrs.P

Money: Given the current financial climate, shall I just take my shekels and bury them in the ground?

Relationships: have just found out that my husband is watching other women bathe.WWYD?

Q:How do you know there will be no MNetters in heaven?
A: Because 'when the seal on the scroll was opened there was silence in heaven for an hour'

MerryMarigold Thu 06-Dec-12 15:20:24

Allergies: My ds is coeliac. We are at a gathering and someone who claims he is the Messiah is providing bread and fish for everyone to eat? Do you think it will be safe for my ds, bearing in mind it's miraculous food? Please reply asap, am on my iphone and reception is very good here...

reddwarf Thu 06-Dec-12 15:28:54

skip the bread and just have the fish

Miggsie Thu 06-Dec-12 15:34:38

AIBU: DH went to the top of a mountain and came down with a load of engraved stone tablets. I can't even read. Surely he could have brought a nice sofa for the family?

AIBU: my sister just sits around at the feet of some weird bloke looking dreamy while I do all the housework! Is she a lazy bint or what?

Should I report the woman fishing a baby out of the river to social services?

Is my dad going senile? He has a dream about 7 fat cows and 7 thin cows and is using it to formulate policy to govern our country!

AIBU: Dh has given our son (one of several) this completely garish coat. The others are really not happy. Is this favouritsim?? I'm not his mother by the way but I treat them all the same

JugglingWithPossibilities Thu 06-Dec-12 15:48:55

You got me smiling TimeToSmile - especially @ how do you know there will be no MNers in heaven ? grin

Liked your money thread one too smile

middleagedspread Thu 06-Dec-12 15:55:53

How can I find out if those 3 men, bringing odd baby gifts have been CRB checked?

LRDtheFeministDude Thu 06-Dec-12 16:00:06

Huh. I think middleaged is trolling. How can she be sure there are three of them? Eh? I see no mention of this in the written version. hmm

I'm reporting to MNSmiteHQ right now.

BlameItOnTheChoirOfAngels Thu 06-Dec-12 16:13:41

Aibu to be annoyed by my mother favouring my dsb, her pfb. My dad stuck by her through her pregnancy by another man, and has supported us by working as a carpenter, but she thinks her pfb walks on water.

garlicbaubles Thu 06-Dec-12 16:24:46

DH has no ambition. His father provides us with everything, but won't explain where it comes from and insists on regular displays of gratitude. I was OK with this to begin with - FIL is generous - but am getting frustrated by the way he controls our lives. DH won't hear a word against him. I suggested moving out of the family property and learning to fend for ourselves, but DH is scared of losing all his father's support.

I've recently met someone else who says he can teach me about everything FIL keeps to himself. Nothing has happened between us yet and I'm not sure I can trust him - he's a bit of a snake really - but it's hard to resist the challenge! Any ideas on how I can get DH to break out of his father's control and develop some curiosity about life?

MrsHoarder Thu 06-Dec-12 16:53:00

Relationships: this strange man has just asked for our youngest daughter's hand in marriage. WIBU to make him work for a DD then marry DD1 off to him instead?

BlameItOnTheChoirOfAngels Thu 06-Dec-12 16:53:22

Relationships: I have become very close to this man, I travel around with him, and 12 other men, teaching and spreading the word of god's love. But I think I am falling in love with him. he is being crucified on Friday, should I tell him how I feel?

BlameItOnTheChoirOfAngels Thu 06-Dec-12 16:57:08

WWYD: for many years I have been travelling with a group of men, the leader has upset many important people.

I have been offered 30 pieces of silver in return for indicating which man is jesus to the roman army. all I have to do is kiss him on the cheek and they will do the rest. Its a lot of money and will change my life, maybe even mean I can get married. whats the worst that could happen?

MuffinPaws Thu 06-Dec-12 16:59:29

Good housekeeping - How do I get warthog poop off my sofa?

Boat building dh has invited couples round during this wet spell and the warthogs overdid the avacado dip.

Badvocsanta Thu 06-Dec-12 17:00:22

Worst Xmas ever!
Some random weirdos came into the stable (yes, stable, that's a whole other thread!) and gave my lovey baby some gold (result!) frankincense (wtaf?) and myrrh. Yes. Myrrh. For when you are dead.
Aibu in thinking that some John (the baptist) Lewis vouchers would have been more appropriate?

greenandcabbagelooking Thu 06-Dec-12 17:05:12

Arts and craft: I'm making my DS12 a new coat, what colour shall I make it?

BlameItOnTheChoirOfAngels Thu 06-Dec-12 17:09:21

adoption: I found a baby in the bull-rushes... where do I stand legally? can I raise him as my own?

SaskiaRembrandtVampireHunter Thu 06-Dec-12 17:33:23

AIBU: My friend is a great guy, but after a few drinks he insists he's the son of God, can do miracles and walk on water. AIBU to doubt this?

WIBU to let my veil slip at the well so I could show this gorgeous young man how pretty I am?

necklaceofraindrops Thu 06-Dec-12 18:09:56

Music: I'm in front of a big wall with a trumpet - what should I play?

FromEsme Thu 06-Dec-12 18:27:26

BlameIt lol at "he's being crucified on Friday"

AIBU: I went out one day, had got really dressed up, nice make-up and everything, but now everyone is calling me a whore. AIBU to just want to look pretty without being called a false prophet?

cynnerthenaughtyreindeer Thu 06-Dec-12 18:37:40

AIBU to ask my husband to stop hanging out with Matthew, Mark, Luke and John? I mean I get that they are his disciples and all..

ChristmasFayrePhyllis Thu 06-Dec-12 19:26:27

I went to stay with my 60 year old cousin, and was shock to find when I got there that she was pg. AIBU to think it's irresponsible to have IVF at that age?

S&B: what clothes do you suggest I get my DS for Christmas? He insists on going around dressed in a camel's hair sack and I think he looks a right mess.

Help! I think my son in law has joined a cult! He and his brother have abandoned perfectly good jobs in the local fishing industry to traipse around the country with a charismatic hippy. WWYD? I am so stressed out about it I think I am coming down with a fever.

cynnerthenaughtyreindeer Thu 06-Dec-12 19:29:22

Pregnancy: Help! Just found out I am pregnant for the first time at 90! Will people constantly ask if I am DC's great grandmother?

LineRunnerWithBellsOn Thu 06-Dec-12 19:31:41

Ebay: The frankincense received is Not As Described. But why I should have to pay the return cost to send it back to Mesopotamia? I'm fuming.

ElfOnTheShelf Thu 06-Dec-12 19:43:07

AIBU to send the DH of the woman I shagged last night right to the front of tomorrows battle so he will hopefully perish? I don't think IABU as I am the King after all...

mmm that Bathsheba is one hot piece of ass

Lilka Thu 06-Dec-12 20:03:39

Teenagers - Has anyone else put to death their teen?

My DD2 cursed me today in the most foul language. Having read the Word of the Lord, I know I cannot overlook this. She must be put to death. However, the Lord has not given clear instructions on how to do this - is stoning the most appropriate method in this circumstance? And should it be just me or should the whole community stone her together?

Adoption - Help, my son has rejected me and is going off the rails

I adopted my son years ago, and raised him as my own. His birth family are the slaves of my father (the Pharoah). I have always told him he is Hebrew as well as Egyptian. All was well until adulthood - but now things have gone horribly wrong. He killed someone (an Egyptian no less!), and ran away. He then came back claiming he has spoken to some 'God' we do not recognise in this family, and demanding my father release all the slaves!! When he rightly refused, my Moses started causing horrible plagues to happen upon us. Locusts, Famine, and now he is threatening to murder all of our firstborn sons if we do not comply! Help!! How could he have so horribly rejected me and my family. How do we bring him back and make him forget all this freeing birth family and 'God' nonsense? I'm desperate sad

Chat - How to find a well endowed Egyptian bloke?

I have it on good authority (the book of the Lord no less) that Egyptian men are as well hung as Donkeys, and have the emissions of horses. Or at least the ones who frequent prostitutes do. Round here, all the men are under 12 inches. It's not good enough. How do I find myself a nice and importantly, well hung, Egyptian man? And no you can't,the first one is mine

LemonMousstletoeandWine Thu 06-Dec-12 20:29:10

My son Goliath has always been a big boy for his age but now he's having trouble with another little boy, David, who keeps throwing stones at him at playtime.

Should I see the teacher about this?

SuffolkNWhat Thu 06-Dec-12 20:36:32

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

garlicbaubles Thu 06-Dec-12 20:37:38

This really should be in Classics!

SchnappsDamnYou Thu 06-Dec-12 20:41:08

Style and Beauty: how do I get oil out of my hair? I was washing my DP's feet with oil and got a bit carried away....MaryMag

SuffolkNWhat Thu 06-Dec-12 20:43:14

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LineRunnerWithBellsOn Thu 06-Dec-12 20:50:15

We wish he'd fuck off as well. The Ephesians.

LRDtheFeministDude Thu 06-Dec-12 20:52:51


AIBU: to think it'll be fine to ignore and/or interpret this 'bible' thing sensibly, according to what we think is right, for the first 1,600 years? And to then think people who talk about interpreting it literally thereafter are a) weird and b) lacking in historical awareness?

LineRunnerWithBellsOn Thu 06-Dec-12 20:56:59

Chat: I just saw a herd of mad pigs run full pelt and throw themselves off a cliff. What are the chances of that?

MrsHoarder Thu 06-Dec-12 20:57:09

AIBU to sacrifice my only son? The Lord has told me to in order to prove my faith.

LondonElfInFestiveCheerBoots Thu 06-Dec-12 21:04:14

My husband's vizier is plotting against the my people the Jews - AIBU to trick him into betraying himself and get my DDad his job?

Is my DM BU - she wants me to dance for DSDad then ask for the head of John the Baptist - this can't end well but I can't seem to say no to her!

FIL promised his youngest son in marriage to me to give me sons after his older two sons, DH1 and DH2 were both smitten by God for spilling their seed during sex - WIBU to pose as a prostitute and trick him into impregnating me?

Not sure what to do - I have two angels staying with me and the populace want to rape them - its fine to give them my two virgin daughters to amuse themselves with, right?

I think my new neighbour is being rude - this new guy has moved into my area, he's not staying long, about 40 days and nights I think, and I've tried to be friendly, I've not got many neighbours out here in the wilderness, I've tried inviting him round for dinner and offered him bread but he's been really rude and is accusing me of temptation. Should I try again or just leave it?

My mate Jesus has just healed my MIL - should I tell him how much this annoyed me or just leave it be and not invite him round again next time shes sick?

My eldest DB has really hurt MDM's feelings - we went round to the temple to try get him to come home for dinner and when he was told she was outside his response was that EVERYONE was his mother and brothers - it doesn't bother us, he's always been weird, but great for a glass of wine when you are stuck, but he's her favourite - how should I broach the subject with him?

timetosmile Thu 06-Dec-12 21:08:06

Legal stuff: About three months ago a collection of migrant workers frm various ethnic backgrounds began to contruct a huge tower on our village green. They have now wandered off unintelligably to their homes, leaving the construction half finished. What are my rights?

AIBU: to want half of my neighbour's baby to replace my dead one? Share and share alike, I say.

Style/beauty: the nude look is sooo yesterday! Help me chose which animal pelts to wear, thanks, Eve.

Health: my son Peter and his friends have been really badly burned just on the top of their heads, I'm also concerned they may be delirious, shall call a physician?

SanityClause Thu 06-Dec-12 21:08:47

Relationships - should I LTB, or would it be simpler to drive a tent peg through his head while he's asleep?

LineRunnerWithBellsOn Thu 06-Dec-12 21:10:18

Weather: Will this bloody rain ever stop? Yours etc.

SuffolkNWhat Thu 06-Dec-12 21:16:08

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BlameItOnTheChoirOfAngels Thu 06-Dec-12 21:21:37

oooh, this is discussions of the day! 7 years on mn, and this is the first time I think.

dementedma Thu 06-Dec-12 21:26:34

My ds Jonah is an eco-warrior and wants to save the whales. He went whale spotting yesterday and hasn't come home. Should I be worried? My DN Daniel is a bad influence - him and his bloody lions!

GreenyEyes Thu 06-Dec-12 21:26:58

Style & Beauty

Should I have my colours 'done'? I'm just concerned because my friend recently found out she's a Springy Summer, and now won't be seen dead in anything that's not blue.

LineRunnerWithBellsOn Thu 06-Dec-12 21:30:14

General Health: I just feel so old all the time. Yours, Methuselah.

headinhands Thu 06-Dec-12 21:31:12

AIBU to hoik up my judgey pants and chuck anyone who doesn't worship me into a lake of fire to suffer unimaginable torment for the rest of eternity?

GreenyEyes Thu 06-Dec-12 21:33:34

Cheapest Place To Buy Fatted Calf?

BlameItOnTheChoirOfAngels Thu 06-Dec-12 21:37:25

Promotional codes and discounts: does anyone have a code for that new department store? Herods.

GreenyEyes Thu 06-Dec-12 21:38:37


SolidGoldFrankensteinandmurgh Thu 06-Dec-12 21:39:06

AIBU to shift this bloody great rock in front of a cave? The rock would have made a great bit of hardstanding for me new camel port but when I went back with my cart there were all these women wailing and yawping about some dead body they'd mislaid.

portraitoftheartist Thu 06-Dec-12 21:40:03

DD's school won't allow shellfish or cloven-hoofed meat or squirrels in her packed lunch. She doesn't like locusts or honey. I'm running out of ideas.
Another thing - are twigs and stones acceptable ornaments in my new tent? I'm stuck inside because the way of women is upon me and it's fucking boring.

GreenyEyes Thu 06-Dec-12 21:42:15

Dinner Party Recipe Ideas Please

It's supper, for twelve

JumpJockey Thu 06-Dec-12 21:43:18

Property and DIY: DH wants to build our new house on the sand, I keep telling him he's being foolish but he won't listen. Any ideas for convincing him to rethink?

Gardening: My garden is nothing but rocky ground and thorns, how will I ever grow my own veg? Next door manage to get things to grow 30x, 60x, even 100x but mine is rubbish...

Parenting: DS never lets me know when he'll be coming back of an evening - I say I'm worried for him but he spouts something about You shall not know the day or the hour. Is this normal teenage behaviour?

LineRunnerWithBellsOn Thu 06-Dec-12 21:43:22

Style and Beauty: Brazilian Wax, or traditional Burning Bush removal?

BlameItOnTheChoirOfAngels Thu 06-Dec-12 21:50:13

ds has started hanging around with 12 friends. they seem to think he walks on water. keep giving him ideas that will get him into trouble. They even say he's The Messiah. I told them, he's not The Messiah. he's a very naughty boy!

SuffolkNWhat Thu 06-Dec-12 22:01:33

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MooncupGoddess Thu 06-Dec-12 22:06:54

AIBU: I run a little community banking business in the temple precincts, my DH started it years ago and I took it over after he died. It's ever so popular, I'm always first port of call when people need a little extra to afford their Passover lamb. Anyway, last week a bearded man who I am pretty sure had MH issues ran in, started shouting about how my business was an abomination and then turned my table over. All the shekels went everywhere and now I don't know if I can afford new school sandals for Malachi and Benjamin sad

Would I be unreasonable to complain to the high priest in the hope of getting some compensation?

MooncupGoddess Thu 06-Dec-12 22:12:03

Chat: Does anyone believe in dreams? My DH is a governor of a province with a big Jewish population and they've been having some problems with some local weirdo who's been winding up the sanhedrin. DH can't be arsed with the whole thing and wants to hand the guy over to the Jewish priests to administer justice and wash his hands of the whole thing. But then last night I had a really vivid dream that the guy was innocent of the charges against him... I told DH and asked him to let the man off but he is all hmm and thinks I am bonkers. I just have such a bad feeling about the whole thing though, I can't let it go.

MooncupGoddess Thu 06-Dec-12 22:20:51

Conception: due to complex family circumstances I shan't go into here, I and my sis have ended up living with our father in a cave in the middle of nowhere. Our body clocks are ticking and we are both desperate to have babies, but there are literally zero possible men around. We're quite tempted to get our father drunk and, er, take advantage of him, does anyone what point in our cycles would be best to do the deed?

Lilymaid Thu 06-Dec-12 22:25:42

What's for dinner?
All we ever have to eat is manna. Anyone got good recipes? I fancy something spicy so a curry recipe would be great.

dementedma Thu 06-Dec-12 22:28:01

Those of you with babies who only have wise men and heavenly hosts to worry about should count yourselves lucky. My ds1 has refused to follow dh into the carpentry trade, and is seeing a local girl Mary Mag. She seems sweet and keen on Ds but she has something of a reputation IFYSWIM. Should I encourage this relationship?
my BF's son and DS have always been friends but I am sensing tension between them. DS says he doesn't trust Judas anymore though they have been besties for years. BF thinks her DS is perfect but I reckon he would do anything if the price was right.WWYD?

JugglingWithPossibilities Thu 06-Dec-12 22:28:25

"You shall not know the day or the hour" Is this normal teenage behaviour asks JumpJockey - I'd say, probably Yes !

SirBoobAlot Thu 06-Dec-12 23:33:47

Anyone got any recommendations for publishers? Have got this great idea about a woman who gets pregnant but not with her husband, then fast forward around thirty years and it follows him and his mates around... I'm sure it will be a hit.

LineRunnerWithBellsOn Thu 06-Dec-12 23:35:34

Ah, but will it be the greatest story ever told?

SirBoobAlot Thu 06-Dec-12 23:36:56

I wonder if I would get more sales if I filed it under 'non-fiction'...

GrimmaTheNome Thu 06-Dec-12 23:41:18

Oh, sorry, a couple of other guys got there first with versions of that story first, the one called Mark did it first and then there was another longer version with a suprise twist on the ending - maybe you could publish together as a sort of literary experiment?

SirBoobAlot Thu 06-Dec-12 23:45:38

That Mark was always a wanker.

A group project could work, I guess.

ChristmasFayrePhyllis Fri 07-Dec-12 03:18:43

WWYD: Has anyone had experience of getting rid of problem tenants?

Two months ago I rented out my upstairs room to a group of friends. They seemed OK at the time but it turns out that some (most) of them are not very naice - in fact one of them was in trouble with the law and got arrested - not sure what happened to him.

Anyway, my main concern now is that I hear weird noises all the time from upstairs - rushing sounds and people babbling in lots of different languages. Frankly, I suspect drugs are involved. How can I get rid of them?

ChristmasFayrePhyllis Fri 07-Dec-12 03:22:12

Chat: I found a shopping list this afternoon!

Five loaves
Naice fish (two)

Then at the bottom in a different hand:
Are you sure this is enough? M.Magd.

ChristmasFayrePhyllis Fri 07-Dec-12 03:30:54

Longhaul: Cheap last minute trip to Egypt?

DH has suddenly decided we should take a quick winter break in Egypt - I was a bit hmm, especially as we have a newborn, but he is very insistent. Anyone got any suggestions for a cheap deal?

SomeTiggyPudding Fri 07-Dec-12 08:16:47

AIBU in thinking somebody should get me down off this cross?

AIBU in parking my donkey in a leper only space?

Chat: It's 2040BC next year. Does anybody know what the BC stands for?

Cookery: Hi all! Does anybody have any good recipes for apple? I've never tried them before! Eve. x

AIBU in sticking a beaver's tail and a duck's mouth on an otter for a laugh? I'm been making stuff for 6 days now and I'm fucking bored!

SomeTiggyPudding Fri 07-Dec-12 08:21:09

Don't click This. It's blasphemous!

DH wants us to go on Jeremiah Kail for a DNA test. WTF??

MerryMarigold Fri 07-Dec-12 09:43:36

Employment issues: My boss is treating me really unfairly. First she made me sleep with her dh (who is really OLD) so I would get pregnant and have a baby which she would take as her own. I actually did pregnant and have the child, but she can't handle it. Now she is beating me and I want to run away. Would I have a case at a tribunal or should I just peg it into the desert?

Breast and bottle feeding: My baby is a few hours old and I am trying to get used to this breastfeeding lark, but we keep having loads of visitors (mostly shepherds). We're in a barn, so I can't really go upstairs and feed him alone. I feel really embarrassed with my boobs hanging out all over the place, and it's making it difficult to get the latch right. Any suggestions for how I could breastfeed discretely in public?

MerryMarigold Fri 07-Dec-12 09:44:51

grin at Jeremiah Kail!!

BlameItOnTheChoirOfAngels Fri 07-Dec-12 09:53:42

grin these are fecking hilarious thanks

MrsGeologist Fri 07-Dec-12 10:06:43

WWYD: I'm stuck in a whale! Knife my way out, or pray to God to save me?

cocoachannel Fri 07-Dec-12 10:09:27

AIBU to leave the bastard? He went out muttering something about an impossible job in Nineveh, then turned up weeks later with some bullshit story about being inside a whale? He must take me for a fool.

S&B: my dad has bought me a really expensive coat, but it is a bit garish. Is technicolor just too much on a bloke?

cocoachannel Fri 07-Dec-12 10:09:52

Great minds MrsG smile

CotherMuckingDude Fri 07-Dec-12 10:26:18

Dh didn't come home last night. Again. He hangs around with this bunch of lads that seen to be led by this one bloke called Jesus.They all do whatever he tells them to do no matter what the cost to their families. It's like they fucking worship him.

CotherMuckingDude Fri 07-Dec-12 10:27:44

Dh stuck his head in a lion's mouth last night. Dick.

LittleToyMakingMachine Fri 07-Dec-12 11:22:52

The Litter Tray
The Tack Room

Pets How do I thread my camel through the eye of a needle? confused

GodMumsnet (MNHQ) Fri 07-Dec-12 11:25:36


This really should be in Classics!


LRDtheFeministDude Fri 07-Dec-12 11:29:47


I love this.

Djembe Fri 07-Dec-12 11:41:43

grin God

EmpressOfTheNorthPole Fri 07-Dec-12 11:46:14

God, you're here. Found you at last.

The Puddlehumpers are trying, very very hard, to bring your new Messiah into the world, via the womb of StateOfConfusion. But we can only accomplish this if one of HQ will sing us a new song, and they only have 12 days to go.

Can you start inspiring them or something?

BlameItOnTheChoirOfAngels Fri 07-Dec-12 11:49:25

Oooh, classics!


BlameItOnTheChoirOfAngels Fri 07-Dec-12 12:04:59

Dh says that God has spoken to him, and given him 10 commandments, by which we shall all live. He is insisting that everyone in our settlement follow these rules to the letter, lest god smite us.

Is this typical narcissist behaviour?

SchnappsDamnYou Fri 07-Dec-12 12:42:03

legal matters: DH and his colleagues are still sore afraid after going AWOL from their jobs as shepherds last week. They were keeping watch over the flocks by night as usual when the glory of The Lord shone round about them and a angel of The Lord came down with a multitude of the heavenly host and told them to go even unto Bethlehem to see a babe wrapped in swaddling clothes lying in a manger. Stupidly IMO they actually did this and the sheep have not been seen since. They are not in a Union. Any advice?

dementedma Fri 07-Dec-12 12:47:48

okay, I have just arrived in my new digs and the bloke I'm sharing with is, well, kinda weird. Keeps looking at me in a funny way and asking if I want an apple, whatever that is.
Also, saw him skinny dipping in the river and his chest is all swollen up and he seems to be missing the dangly thing that I've got.Can anyone advise?

Avuncular Fri 07-Dec-12 12:50:14

Such ingenuity!

Has none of you REALLY got nothing better to do with your lives?

Still, I suppose 'there is no such thing as bad publicity'!

BlameItOnTheChoirOfAngels Fri 07-Dec-12 13:06:08

Avuncular, ther good thing is, noones forcing you to read or post. Amazing, I know!

LRDtheFeministDude Fri 07-Dec-12 13:10:52


What's the problem, avuncular? Are you like my great-auntie, who thought 'ingenuity' went together with 'having an opinion' as works of satan?

BlameItOnTheChoirOfAngels Fri 07-Dec-12 13:14:03

Isn't it great when people whinge about posters wasting their time on mumsnet by .... Ummm.... Posting on a mumsnet thread! That's us told!

LineRunnerWithBellsOn Fri 07-Dec-12 13:16:05

Ooh, fight. Excellent. Smite her down, LRD, smite her down with your scatalogical scatology.

AIBU: having left an apple hanging in the middle of a garden and told my two creations not to touch it, you're not going to believe this, they actually ate the damned thing as I knew they would, being an all seeing, all knowing God .
Would it be totally unreasonable of me to punish the more easily led of the two ( the one called Eve) with having to bring forth children while suffering for all time?
I don't actually care about peoples opinions as I am going to do it anyway

LRDtheFeministDude Fri 07-Dec-12 13:34:18

I think pretending to have smiting powers will call down the wrath of God. Her voice has already been heard here ...

Can we have a lightning bolt smiley, though?

SirBoobAlot Fri 07-Dec-12 13:36:53

Smite, smite, smite, smite!

"GodMumsnet" has made me grin.

SomeTiggyPudding Fri 07-Dec-12 13:43:47

Nicknames Used:

The Word
The Creator

SchnappsDamnYou Fri 07-Dec-12 13:46:48

I should have thought,avuncular that you would be pleased by the level of theological awareness amongst Britain's parenting community.

SomeTiggyPudding Fri 07-Dec-12 13:56:30

God 07-Dec-72 13:37:56
1. Thou shalt not kill.

MrsJolly 07-Dec-72 13:39:62
Haven't you got something better to do with your time?

ReindeerCock 07-Dec-72 13:41:34
What about no nicking stuff?

God 07-Dec-72 13:41:56
2. Thou shalt not steal.

God 07-Dec-12 13:43:09
X-Post! LOL grin

BlameItOnTheChoirOfAngels Fri 07-Dec-12 13:58:02

tiggy grin

MargaretMumsnet (MNHQ) Fri 07-Dec-12 14:15:26

Are you there God? It's me Margaret?

BlameItOnTheChoirOfAngels Fri 07-Dec-12 14:24:47

margaret grin

LineRunnerWithBellsOn Fri 07-Dec-12 14:25:39


dinkystinky Fri 07-Dec-12 15:07:41

Food: DS has decided to go off camping in the desert for 40 days and 40 nights. He's traveling light and has decided not to take any supplies with him. Anyone got any good cactus recipes I can send him off with?

SaskiaRembrandtVampireHunter Fri 07-Dec-12 17:52:56

AIBU: My neighbour claims her son is alive and well, even though he was crucified last Friday. I suspect they are pulling some kind of fiddle to claim one of the free donkeys the authorities hand out, so WIBU to report them?

BlameItOnTheChoirOfAngels Fri 07-Dec-12 18:10:47

AIBU to not want to be baptised in a bloody river? its filthy and full of germs. but John won't do it anywhere else!

portraitoftheartist Fri 07-Dec-12 20:05:06

AIBU to expect DP to stay in and help? We're in temporary accommodation, right next to an inn and he's round there every night with a bunch of shepherds and magi. This place is freezing, I can see a star through the hole in the roof and it's filthy - straw and manure on the floor and a bloody ox which I can't shift. Our pfb is having to sleep in the hay. This isn't what the angel promised me 9 months ago.

RealAleandOpenFires Fri 07-Dec-12 20:31:09

Help:- I'm trying to research our family history and all I seem to getting is so & so was begot by some other so & so and so on...back 10 generations. It's also very hard going as there doesn't seem be any females mentioned?

Also I just recently bought a nice holiday flat in that very posh/exclusive resort of S&B and now I hear it's (S&B) been destroyed out right. Any idea what I should do now?

dementedma Fri 07-Dec-12 20:56:25

Am exhausted trying to keep up with the Dcs extra curricular classes. Have dropped dd at dance classes but have reservations about the new dance routines and costumes...they seem a bit forward to me for these biblical times. I think it will end in tears but Salome seems happy.
Ds is tootling tunelessly on that bloody trumpet, its driving me nuts. Have packed him off to my sis in Jericho - he can blow it there and not cause any problems.

thewhistler Fri 07-Dec-12 21:29:24


My son seems to gave fallen in love with this shrimpy smelly ex shepherd who has his eye on the main chance. He managed to play a minor part on one of the local gang fights and is now bigging himself up. The only thing to be said for him is that he plays guitar ok. How can I open Ds' eyes that this guy just wants to inherit what I've fought for? I don't care about the gay thing, but he is completely controlled by this creep. WWYD?

SuffolkNWhat Fri 07-Dec-12 22:33:28

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Dryjuice25 Sat 08-Dec-12 01:15:54

AIBU to stop ds David before the fight next week. That Goliath is a monster!
AIBU to think Jezebel should shag whoever she fancies without being judged.
AIIBU to stop MIL washing dcs feet with my precious oil.
AIBU to stop ds from witnesses the blood tears at this prayer worship
AIBU to expect Rachel not to wake all of Rama with her wailing and to complain to the council about this.
AIBU to expect father not to watch over me.
AIBU to think Sodom and Gomorrah are just charming vibrant cities with a lot of tourist magnetism and so should not be destroyed

DizzyHoneyBee Sat 08-Dec-12 13:05:12

Can you recommend a good Sat Nav? I've got to follow a star but it's so hard and I won't ask for directions

jessiegeesusinamanger Sat 08-Dec-12 22:45:23

Chat: Bethlehem. Anyone been? We have to go late December. Any ideas what to do/restaurant recommendations/shops? Am 39 weeks pregnant so nothing too exhausting please.

LineysChristmasNamey Sat 08-Dec-12 22:53:27

jessie We flew on EasyAngel one year and they landed us in Antioch. Not impressed.

SchnappsDamnYou Sat 08-Dec-12 23:11:16

We have a flight into Egypt planned at short notice.
Can anyone recommend a good post-partum ass saddle?


PS. Seems v unfair I have to endorse childbirth without even getting a shag. A hoping to make up for it once we get settled somewhere without bloody farm animals and random visitors all over the place.

SchnappsDamnYou Sat 08-Dec-12 23:12:28

Endure, even.
These visitors and the nonstop lowing are getting to me. I can't think straight. Or sit comfortably.

thewhistler Sat 08-Dec-12 23:24:30

Legal. DH appears to have promised verbally to give the field we have been counting on as our pension plan to some sort of groupie. There is no written agreement and no value has passed from the other side.

So it is not a contract, right? So we have every right to get out of it?

Grateful for urgent advice as there is a meeting tonight. Think I had better go with him as DH might just give in.

thewhistler Sat 08-Dec-12 23:27:16

Chat. Does anyone know where I can find a female unicorn urgently? Google no help and ship about to sail. Noah.

thewhistler Sat 08-Dec-12 23:29:43

Fishnet. My whale is looking unwell. Do you think I should change to a different type of krill?

SomeTiggyPudding Sat 08-Dec-12 23:33:01

I'd ask somebody who knows about animals. I Noah vet.

Has it lost weight? Have you taken it to a whale weigh station?

GrimmaTheNome Sat 08-Dec-12 23:35:28

<smite groan>

thewhistler Sat 08-Dec-12 23:36:39

Legal. Am at wits end. have lost my DLA and am being pursued for fraud for claiming I was paralysed.

Not sure how I can prove I was until last month when some guy with MH issues muttered at me.

The jobsworths have stopped my DLA and are trying to take years of payments off me. CAB no use, no precedents. And no income.


SomeTiggyPudding Sat 08-Dec-12 23:40:21

General Health.
My friend Moses has just come down from a mountain with a really sore back. Should he stop taking the tablets?

<Tiggy is ashamed blush>

LineysChristmasNamey Sat 08-Dec-12 23:41:29

Legal. I was dead and now the Sanhedrin wants the money back for the Welfare Burial.


thewhistler Sat 08-Dec-12 23:44:11

Tiggy, RL DH has just groaned at both. Puns worthy of him.

jessiegeesusinamanger Sat 08-Dec-12 23:55:55

Thanks Lineys Have heard awful things about EasyAngel's. They'd probably charge me for 2 seats on the off-chance I have the sprog mid-air. We're taking the little donkey. No idea what Bethlehem's like but heard it's full of tourists at this time of year. So that'll be a drag and food/drink will be at rip-off prices.

Re, Moses' bad back. Yes, def tell him to stop with those tablets. My DH (who's an apostle and travels a lot with work) got a Kindle Fire. Much lighter to carry around than that antiquated thing your mate has got. It's wi-fi and has a really good memory too.

whistler what a bummer re your DLA. I'd ask for a re-assessment. You need to tell them what you're like on your worst day, not on the day some guy told you to throw down your crutches on the basis he said he could heal the sick. Not holding my breath for you what with the Government cutbacks but you have nothing to lose by trying.

SomeTiggyPudding Sun 09-Dec-12 00:00:14

OK. I'll tell Mo to keep the 10 he's got and not to go back for the other 4.

fraktion Sun 09-Dec-12 00:05:47

Feminism: is anyone else fed up of the objectification of women round here? I can't believe we all have to go and be looked over tomorrow so some man can have a new wife, just because the last one looked at him the wrong way so he had to get rid! I refuse to be treated as a commodity!

jessiegeesusinamanger Sun 09-Dec-12 00:09:08

10 is enough already! How many of the bloody things does he think he/we need for God's sake? Boys and their toys eh.

thewhistler Sun 09-Dec-12 11:20:41


My best friend refused to share her lighter with me at this party and I got thrown out. Should I never speak to her again? Just because it was a duff purchase at the poundshop shouldn't mean she goes all snobby?

ATouchOfStuffing Sun 09-Dec-12 19:48:41

AIBU: Not to want to wash his fecking feet or have to eat the crumbs from under the table at mealtimes?

timetosmile Mon 10-Dec-12 13:46:39

Health: DW has suddenly been taken very unwell. I don't think it can be diabeters because that's to do with sugar. She's very flakey and I'm hoping one of you could help crystallise things for me, thanks, Lot

Holidays: see my TripAdvisor review of my stay in the Jordan Valley, with all inclusive raven-delivery food. Great, apart from significant water shortages toward the end.

Mental health. My whole family are dead, my business and life generally in tatters around me and I have an incurable and rather nasy dermatitis. My mates think its all my fault. I'm tempted to curse God and die.

AIBU or does that Pharisee (the one with the loud voice by himself at the front of the Temple)that's always boasting about how good he is, really p**s you off too?

Children: is a tooth for a tooth a reasonable exchange to you? DD(6) was expecting 50p under her pillow sad

AIBU: Middle age has take its toll on my once-youthful figure. Kylie Minogue has just bought a house across the road from me. AIBU to covet my neighbour's ass?

aliphil Mon 10-Dec-12 14:20:05

Really worried about newborn DS. He never cries, even when the cattle wake him with their lowing. WWYD? DH says we should just enjoy the peace while we can, but then DS isn't his child ...

JugglingMeYorkiesAndNutRoast Mon 10-Dec-12 14:59:00

Has he had his newborn hearing test yet, or are you planning that for when you get back to your home town ? Perhaps he cannot hear the lowing cows ?
Otherwise maybe you just got lucky ! Enjoy ! smile

Joybelles Mon 10-Dec-12 16:47:31

Hey I'm up for a laugh like the rest of you and love, for example (along with a few glasses or more of wine!) the Bethleheminian Raphsody but a lot of us Mumsnetters love and worship Christ and it wouldn't hurt, in this age of tinsel and best selling tablets, to remember Christ was born to poor parents in an animal stable. Christ came to show God's love. Let's do that this Christmas, cos it's wonderful and true x

LRDtheFeministDude Mon 10-Dec-12 18:07:16

What did you think this thread was about, joy? confused

I assumed it was about the bible story of Christmas, among other things.

BlameItOnTheChoirOfAngels Mon 10-Dec-12 18:16:51

Ummmm, okaaaay...

I love tinsel.

SirBoobAlot Mon 10-Dec-12 20:38:38

You believe its true. Not everyone does. And actually there is an impressive amount of biblical knowledge here.

In the top ten rules of MN - if you don't like it, don't read it.

BlameItOnTheChoirOfAngels Mon 10-Dec-12 20:43:00

I'm very impressed by how knowledgable many posters are!

fraktion Tue 11-Dec-12 09:24:30

Joy you're unlikely to be the only Christian poster on this thread, in fact I know you're not. If you want to look at this positively it's making parts of the bible relevant to modern everyday life, the things we complain about and showing that biblical figures had issues that if you look at them worked out because God is good - a bit of perspective, if you like.

SchnappsDamnYou Tue 11-Dec-12 11:57:34

My dad is a vicar and he laughed.

EmpressOfTheNorthPole Tue 11-Dec-12 23:23:09

I think this is a pretty respectful thread, Joybelles. And it's definitely both clever and funny.

SolidGoldFrankensteinandmurgh Thu 13-Dec-12 00:07:19

To many --rational- people the Nativity is just a charming myth (there's certainly no evidence whatsoever for it being a true account of historical events), even though there are certainly great chunks of the Bible which are revolting and deserve all the pisstaking they get. But the majority of posters on this thread are mocking the mythology with affection, and have every right to do so.

TheSilverPussycat Thu 13-Dec-12 12:08:25

TheVirginMary: We arrived with very little, but people have been so kind! Am eating well, obv I need to, with EBF PFB. But it's getting a bit boring now - anyone got any good recipes for cold lamb?

The family has come into a bit of money, too (and got given some lovely smellies). should I ask for a room upgrade now we can afford it?

Joybelles Thu 13-Dec-12 15:35:54

Hey, thanks to all who replied, sorry for delay, job as a legal eagle is a jealous master! Understand the sentiment behind most of the posts, just thought it good to point out that God gave it for good and we give pressies to remember His - best present of all- Christ who really can save, solve, redeem and restore. Isn't this the best news in times of continuing recession and least I know it's true in my own life. Merry Christmas everyone and a peaceful 2013 [fmsile] xxxx

BlameItOnTheChoirOfAngels Thu 13-Dec-12 15:37:27

most people are aware of the origins of Christmas, and I actually resent having it pointed out to me like I'm some sort of imbecile.

JugglingMeYorkiesAndNutRoast Thu 13-Dec-12 15:50:22

Well, I'm happy to share some of your joy and hope Joy even when I probably don't share your faith ( That would depend on just how broadly anyone was interpreting things )

I do understand too why it could be annoying to you OP smile

<sprinkles tinsel dust liberally in attempt to cover over cracks with festive spirit>

LRDtheFeministDude Thu 13-Dec-12 15:54:34

It is nice to get genuine good wishes at Christmas.

I did feel joy, perhaps unintentially, was rather rude. No doubt her job keeps her terribly busy (as jobs tend to ...), but if she'd had time to read the last few posts since her first one, she'd see several posters clearly do not 'give pressies to remember ... Christ'.

I am religious but I cringed a bit at that and I do hope, joy, you can perhaps take this in the spirit it is meant and realize that it can be a little bit offputting to people when you presume your beliefs are accepted by everyone else, instead of politely recognizing people's differences.

It does feel inappropriate on a light-hearted thread.

GrimmaTheNome Thu 13-Dec-12 16:06:08

Anyone who wants to bah-humbug should start a Dickensian christmas thread grin

EmpressOfTheNorthPole Thu 13-Dec-12 16:13:36

The God giving Jesus bit is a matter of opinion and faith. The innkeeper sending the poor parents in animal stable bit though - there's no Biblical basis for that at all. Even Luke, whose Gospel the Nativity is based on, doesn't mention stables. Or innkeepers. Manger, yes, but that's it.

He says the place with no room for Jesus was a 'kataluma' which can mean inn, but the only other time it appears in the Gospels it means a furnished 'upper room' (the upper room of the Last Supper) in a private house. The upper area of Joseph's family home for instance.
Also, it was quite normal in those days for some animals to be kept inside the house. Excavations in Israel have found a lot of evidence of carved or stone mangers in what would have been ground floor rooms. If the elder members of the family were filling the kataluma, maybe that meant Mary and Joseph had to go in with the animals.

Also, if the shepherds were watching their flocks by night it wasn't December!

EmpressOfTheNorthPole Thu 13-Dec-12 16:16:15

Oh and there's also the Grotto of the Nativity in Bethlehem which is meant to be where Jesus was born. Which is a cave. So the Nativity is a lovely story but apart from that...

LRDtheFeministDude Thu 13-Dec-12 16:30:29

Oh, I like that empress. There's a nice story I had when I was little about the innkeeper putting Mary and Joseph in with the animals because it was lovely and warm in there - which it would have been, I think, since animals are primitive central heating!

EmpressOfTheNorthPole Thu 13-Dec-12 16:37:11

I'm an ex-Catholic with a DW who's doing her theology PhD so I pick stuff up.

I definitely don't think you have to believe the whole Bible literally to be Christian - I don't think it's even possible to believe it all literally given all the contradictions! It has some lovely stories and some horrendous ones. My favourite stories are in the Apocrypha, it has adventures with dragons and stuff.

JugglingMeYorkiesAndNutRoast Thu 13-Dec-12 16:49:55

Oh, that is all interesting Empress. Maybe this year at the crib service I'll imagine them all downstairs with a few of the animals in Joseph's family home. That seems quite likely really doesn't it - since everyone was returning to their home town for the census ?

LRDtheFeministDude Thu 13-Dec-12 16:51:50

AIBU to think my bloody mother-in-law could have found us a space in the upper room instead of beside that wretched donkey?

She says it would never snap at bubba Jesus, but I've heard these Staffordshire mules are a vicious breed ...

EmpressOfTheNorthPole Thu 13-Dec-12 16:56:38

grin I remember several family Xmases where all the kids would be sleeping in a row under the dining table....

SuffolkNWhat Thu 13-Dec-12 17:57:25

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EmpressOfTheNorthPole Thu 13-Dec-12 18:01:26

Of course, they replaced the solstice with it didn't they?

itsTwiiiiitmaaaaasss Thu 13-Dec-12 18:17:14

Which is why we are not celebrating Christmas this year, instead we will decorate our house with evergreens, exchange gifts with loved ones and have s bit of a do (nice dinner, bit of time off work etc)...

Really enjoying this thread although I don't know what some of the references are blush

BlameItOnTheChoirOfAngels Thu 13-Dec-12 18:31:39

For us, christmas isn't just about the birth of jesus (tbh, I'm agnostic) its about family, friends, sharing and haing fun. Being thankful for each other.

EmpressOfTheNorthPole Thu 13-Dec-12 18:57:43

I wasn't going to comment on the accuracy but it seemed relevant after Joybelle's post. And an interesting tangent to a great thread.

LRDtheFeministDude Thu 13-Dec-12 19:05:33

Nicely put, blameit.

Let's be thankful for each other. smile

EmpressOfTheNorthPole Thu 13-Dec-12 19:37:47

I like that too.

BlameItOnTheChoirOfAngels Thu 13-Dec-12 20:44:21

Thank you. I'm pretty sure that if he exists jesus would rather that we spend this time cherishing each other and making real effort to see family and friends, than making others feel bad.

EmpressOfTheNorthPole Thu 13-Dec-12 20:50:56

I really hope so!

BlameItOnTheChoirOfAngels Thu 13-Dec-12 20:59:13

Well, that's what the god I want to believe in does, anyway.

Abel: db seems angry with me all the time, I'm a bit scared. Wwyd?

GrimmaTheNome Fri 14-Dec-12 10:40:29

Eve: my lads Cain and Seth really need to settle down... but there's no girls at all around here. Any ideas? confused

Mynewmoniker Fri 14-Dec-12 18:24:58

Re the SatNav. I'm sure I typed in Bethlehem and we've ended up in Birmingham hmm Should I turn our camels round and start again?

thewhistler Sat 15-Dec-12 10:02:50

I've just managed to bring peace to this unstable country and reached a coalition agreement with the occupying power. Now three foreign agents have warned me that there is a long term insurgency planned. But it's through a newborn, FGS.


Avuncular Mon 17-Dec-12 16:57:58

Yes Schnappsdamnyou - I am, I am!! - eventually after all the frivolity evaporates, someone is going to ask - what on earth does it all MEAN? At least no-one seems to thing it's pure myth; there's be no point poking fun at it then, would there?

GrimmaTheNome Mon 17-Dec-12 17:01:07

>At least no-one seems to thing it's pure myth; there's be no point poking fun at it then, would there?

oh yes there would! grin <cue seasonal 'oh no there wouldn't'>

Avuncular Mon 17-Dec-12 17:06:42

Whinge? Who? Me? No I'm just being ingenious! Jesus went into the market place where the real people were. How would he have described himself on Facebook??

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