What's the most pretentious thing you've ever heard someone say? (lighthearted)

(549 Posts)

I went round someone's house and they were a shoe less house (no problem) but she airily pointed to a basket of slippers (felted, pointy, bright red, embroidered Tibetanny type like they have in the Toast catalogue) and said 'help yourself to the artisanal slippers'. There were dozens of pairs.

FUCK OFF - why would I want to sit around and look like an elf at your house? hmm

these, but even pointier

HumphreyCobbler Wed 21-Nov-12 18:08:44

that is brilliant
'help yourself to the artisanal slippers'

RyleDup Wed 21-Nov-12 18:09:04

My sil does this grin

JaneFonda Wed 21-Nov-12 18:10:04

Oh good God. grin

MyLastDuchess Wed 21-Nov-12 18:10:46

artisinal slippers

Hahahahahahaha! I wouldn't be able to help myself, I'd be all, "I'm sorry, I only wear mass-produced footwear."

NotInMyDay Wed 21-Nov-12 18:12:50

Someone said to me how upset they were to have spilled 30ml of breast milk. "it's liquid gold" hmm
No it's milk. And I say that as a breastfeeding advocate.

Oh yah i would like so like never date someone who didnt go to private school.

Guy to me and my friends. Who were all state educated. He knew this.What a cock.

Pagwatch Wed 21-Nov-12 18:14:04


I have never forgotten the woman in the queue at the deli who shouted her order for taramasalata (back 25 years ago when it was considered posh) like this
'I would laike some tar -mar -slar -tar'

All rhyming . Like a posh deli nursery rhyme.

CrikeyOHare Wed 21-Nov-12 18:23:11

My ex once asked the assistant at Blockbuster - "Do you have Pulp Fiction, perchance?"

He sounded like a right twat and knew it grin

NirvannahCrane Wed 21-Nov-12 18:24:09

Haaaa. Tell me, does the word artisanal.....well..erm...is it pronounced with the word anal at the end? Or is the last part pronounced 'annal'? Were these slipper people friends of yours or could you leave afterwards, eye rolling heavily and vow never to return?

Nowhere near as pretentious as yours but I was once at a barbeque attended heavily by pretentious sorts and listened politely to a woman say 'Well, the reason I feel I should have a career break is so I can re-connect with myself. And I can also get on to sorting out the lower paddock for Little Martha's pony...honestly, it's so boggy, we can only access it in the range rover at the mo....'. It gave me the need for another can of strongbow and a B&H <classy>


MarshaBrady Wed 21-Nov-12 18:25:39

So funny grin

notjustamummythankyou Wed 21-Nov-12 18:26:58

An acquaintance at a toddler group was trying to placate her little girl. "I think she needs grissini".

Breadsticks, love. Breadsticks.

MsGee Wed 21-Nov-12 18:27:08

I was once told by a colleague that at her parents house you could get up to third gear in the driveway.

She made it clear from day 1 she thought she was a cut above me. sadly for her I was her boss and she was crap at her job, so she didn't last long

BalloonSlayer Wed 21-Nov-12 18:29:01

DH was talking to someone about an area of the country and the bloke said "Ah yes, I've got a house down there."

Pagwatch Wed 21-Nov-12 18:30:36

My mother once grudgingly cooked burgers for us to eat watching the rugby at her house.
She brought it all in on a tray and said 'forgive me. I haven't decanted the tomato sauce'

My DD has come out with a couple of doozies but they would make me sound like a twat.

Bearfrills Wed 21-Nov-12 18:30:38

At the park this summer, having a packed lunch on the grass, I called to 3yo DS: 'come here sweetheart and eat your brioche!'.

As soon as the words were out of ny mouth I knew I sounded like a pretentious twat. Thankfully a friend was there to point it out to me grin and in my defence it was crappy Warburtons brioche from Asda.

XBenedict Wed 21-Nov-12 18:30:55

Talking to a friend about her holiday, asked her something about the flight and she said "DD has never flown where she can't lie down" hmm

ProcrastinatingPanda Wed 21-Nov-12 18:31:05

"I'm so over flying economy class"

Said by BIL to be about a fortnight after he was complaining that he was so skint that he couldn't afford cat food so had sent his cat outside to hunt its own dinner hmm

iklboo Wed 21-Nov-12 18:32:03

When I was about 14 my nana & I wandered into a newly opened video shop. In was in the scrag arse end of the very rough estate where we lived at the time. Think Shameless but worse. In her vair, vair best Received Pronunciation my nan said

'Excuse me, but how does one go about joining your clientele?' Totally without irony. I could have died blush.

Friend's SIL at dinner "It's sooo difficult when you have children to try and maintain some semblance of career, and to balance that with the care and attention they need".

Not a pretentious view in itself, however I knew she was a PA who married the boss, quit work the moment she could and never went back, and still had a full time nanny and cleaner (with just one child).

(yes judgeypants are giving me a wedgie!)

LadyClariceCannockMonty Wed 21-Nov-12 18:35:47

'For years I never really engaged with popular culture at all'.

Said to me in one of those 'Do you like/remember <insert band/TV show/etc>?' conversations.

Made me feel like a right lowbrow actually it didn't, well not as much as it made the other party sound pretentious, snobbish and condescending.

I was moaning about having to show my DH how to use his new phone to a group of mothers. One of them asked me why his secretary was unable to help him ...

Eglantyne Wed 21-Nov-12 18:37:48

iklboo Our nans would have got on brilliantly!

Mirage Wed 21-Nov-12 18:40:44

A chap I garden for was discussing the pleb issue with me and a neighbour.Neighbour had never heard the word before so we explained what it meant.I commented that it was rarely heard these days.The chap I work for said 'Well of course,you wouldn't mix with the class of person who uses that sort of word,public school educated people.'

I remarked that I did indeed mix with some very upper class people,but thankfully they had good enough manners not use such words.

That shut him right up.

MammaTJ Wed 21-Nov-12 18:42:56

Nasty chavvy girl belonging to the nasty chavvy family who live across the road from me. Both homes Housing Association.

Asked what class she is 'Middle class of course'. This is the same girl who has left college because the new HT will not allow them to wear short skirts or low cut tops. This with her parents approval.

IShallCallYouSquishy Wed 21-Nov-12 18:43:39

When I was 7ish I had the little girl from up the road over to play at my house. Think she was either same age or year younger. We had a dog.

Little girl to my mum "I'm not very partial to dogs"

WTF little girl would say that particular phrase?!

Does pretentiously reverse-snobbish count?

If so, the time my mate insisted 'I know what it's like being working class. My parents are doctors and doctors work'. At the time they were busy paying for him to do a second degree because diddums didn't enjoy the first one ...

My aunt told my mum she was considering 'pensioning off' her Dartford wineglasses and buying some Waterford Crystal '... because [son] is 21 now and will be wanting to have dinner parties'.

This isn't awful, but was cringey at the time: a bloke I went to university was called by his middle name, not his first name. Every time someone teaching us went to check, '... so, it's Bob, not Jim' (funnily enough those aren't the real names), he'd jump in and say 'yes! Jim, like Jim FamousMan, he's my great-uncle and I'd hate for us to get confused!'

I still have no idea who Jim FamousMan was, nor did any of my teachers ever let on they'd heard of him.

The same bloke, when we were all getting to know each other, came out with the wonderful line: 'Oh, so some people didn't do four A levels then? How funny! I suppose if you are counting general studies, I have 6, actually ...'

I'll refrain from pointing out what he's not doing with his life now ... grin

IAmSoFuckingRock Wed 21-Nov-12 18:49:18

i wen to buy a car once from a private seller. he asked where i was from and i told him. he said

"oh Xtown, yes i know it very well, i have property down there. what part do you live in?"

i told him

"i think i have a house in there. couldn't be sure. wouldn't know it if you put it infront of me."


MrsDeVere Wed 21-Nov-12 18:50:25

I met up with friends after 25 years. When I was a teen I had a lot of trustafairan mates.

Anyway I was chatting to one and I mentioned where I live and he drawled

'oh yah, I know it, my drug dealer lives there'


CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 21-Nov-12 18:53:17

A friend of a friend who seemed outwardly normal responded to the question 'is your house ready for the new baby?' by telling me that yes it was because she'd spent the previous day placing mental pentagles at key points around her home. hmm Not sure if she was pretentious or just nuts.

Nuts, I vote, cogito! grin

SweetMingePie Wed 21-Nov-12 18:53:58

When I was 16 and in 6th form a few of us were doing weekly work experience at the local mental health hospital (if that's even the right term). One of the girls piped up "can you tell me what ward I will be working on as I am slightly dubious about working here". Not bad as such but a bit odd out of a 16 year olds mouth.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 21-Nov-12 18:56:47

A headmaster at a private school I visited proudly told me that they had students there from all walks of life and with a very wide range of ability levels. .... 'From those qualifying for Oxford and Cambridge, right down to those only doing one or two A-levels....'

Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme Wed 21-Nov-12 18:59:13

There used to be a mum at my dds preschool who loved to drop label names into every conversation. Like her John Lewis shirt, her Bridgewater mug, her Smeg fridge, her Ugg boots, her Hunter wellies, her Boden dress, god it went on and on. She literally could not open her mouth without mentioning some brand name. They were hardly designer labels but she clearly thought they were. We used to play bingo with it. If you engaged her in conversation and she mentioned some brand name you got a point.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 21-Nov-12 19:02:21

One of my more refined cub-scouts stepped out of the minibus on arrival at the camp-site, paused on the top step, sniffed the air, observed the mini-digger doing some maintenance work outside the camp offices and remarked .... 'Is this it? Rather more industrial than I was expecting'

Feathersandbows Wed 21-Nov-12 19:02:45

I think this might be a bit of an urban myth but I heard tell of someone who walked into a meeting in a company where I used to work and said "so sorry I am late: my horse fell into my swimming pool."

Ohhh - cogito, that reminds me what the headmaster at a school my brother was maybe going to go to said to my parents: '... and of course, you want him to go here, because just down the road there is a private girls' school, so he won't end up dating some girl who wants to be a hairdresser'.

shock grin

Twiddles Wed 21-Nov-12 19:04:19

A dozy mare that I know has provided me with endless examples of this tosh !!
My towels are premium range, dont u know, premium range !!!
I like to cook pasta, pronounced parrrrsta !!!
I have an ISA !!!!! Dont you know ??? !!!
People with no taste, should leave design to those who have, whilst hanging an athena print !!!
Ooh, she makes great company !!!!

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 21-Nov-12 19:05:27

@LRD... It could well have been the same man. Stamford?

Not unless he moved ... not a million miles away, though!

What a horrible thought, maybe there are two of them.

BOFingSanta Wed 21-Nov-12 19:11:10

When I was about seven, I asked my mum if the back door was the same as "the tradesmen's entrance". She laughed a lot. In my defence, I did read a lot of Enid Blyton.

FivesAndNorks Wed 21-Nov-12 19:14:08

Oh I love this thread!
I had had a night out with some friends and we were heading back in a taxi. My friend started saying she was going to be sick and making boaky noises. I assumed the driver would pick up on this and pull over and when he didn't I got a bit flustered. So I opened my mouth to demand he stop but what came out was actually "could you please park?" Both friends, boaky one and other one, were laughing at me by that point.

twofalls Wed 21-Nov-12 19:14:09

Dd on arrival at her first of school. In tears when I left because "mummy, who will open my brioche. And did you remember to pack my olives". blush

The staff couldn't contain themselves. This is in a school where it is quite common for kids to get sent in with the remnants of the previous days "lunch".

fussychica Wed 21-Nov-12 19:15:05

At an interview when I was about 20. I had put that I liked tennis on the application form and the interviewer said "What club do you belong to or are you just one of those awful people who watches Wimbledon once a year and say they like tenni ?shock Well actually yes! plus I played regularly at the free courts in the park but I don't suppose that counted in his book

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 21-Nov-12 19:17:03

Also fell in the Blyton trap BOF. I'm from the arse-end of Lancashire where the local dialect is pretty ripe but loved the way they spoke in the books. Ended up saying something like "these cakes are awfully good mother" to my DM who shot me a ferocious hmm followed by an <eye-roll> and said "what's awful about them, I'd like to know!????"

Didn't try that again in a hurry...

CuthbertDibble Wed 21-Nov-12 19:19:01

"Darling, can you get another bottle (of wine) from the cellar"

The cellar was actually the (very normal-sized) cupboard under the stairs grin

FivesAndNorks Wed 21-Nov-12 19:22:55

We had a request for a bottle of wine for a tombola at school where they suggested we "dust down something from the wine cellar" (or something). Or if you're me, buy whatever's on 3 for 12pounds and shove the other 2 in the carrier bag cupboard

GreenyEyes Wed 21-Nov-12 19:31:15

A friends mother grandly announced that she had a policy of leaving any party where chicken drumsticks featured in the buffet.

Really? hmm

And at nursery my son, aged three- when asked what he would like for his breakfast replied 'pain au chocolat'

akaemmafrost Wed 21-Nov-12 19:31:17

A few years ago now, me saying "I love that Dry your eyes Mate song by The Streets"

"Oh yah, that guy is an amazing Urban Poet!"


egusta Wed 21-Nov-12 19:33:36

Okay, this is probably going to out me, but considering my user name is the same as my blog I guess I outed already. grin

This woman I know was having a car boot sale and not doing very well. She was OUTRAGED and was swearing about the low life plebs who had bad taste by not buying her crap She exlaimed 'This is not ordinary stuff, this is top of the range Ikea^'

And she was serious.

carovioletfizz Wed 21-Nov-12 19:35:51

Someone once told me they were going to 'see art' when asked what they were up to that day.

Great FB page here - for Glasgow people but some absolute gems of pretentiousness on it from types who live in the west end - www.facebook.com/Overheard.in.the.westend?fref=ts

ScrambledSmegs Wed 21-Nov-12 19:37:38

Overheard two vair posh women meeting outside a pub in Burnham Market (well, it would be, wouldn't it?).

Woman 1 - Darling, how wonderful to see you! Are you staying here? <indicating pub>
Woman 2 - Oh, no darling, Charles has bought the manor house.

Me & my mates drinking lager tops fell about. They ignored us grin

This pub is very good value for posh pretentious types though. My IL's overheard a lovely comment about someone's DH/P not being there for lunch - "Oh, Jonty's on the yacht" grin

Ohhelpohnoitsa Wed 21-Nov-12 19:38:35

ilovemydog, my bf does that too and she sayd things like I am supposed to know what she is talking about. I remember her mum doing it when we were little - "are you sleeping in the laura ashley tonight" (aka spare room). never really thought about it before you said.
I do recall them using the phrase "its all about quality of life" a lot, with which I do actually concur. If you drink tea, why not have it in a lovely cup rather than a cheap/easter egg gift/collect at the petrol station etc mug!

egusta Wed 21-Nov-12 19:38:40

oh oh (I am on a roll now) there was the guy who when he was told (at a party) that i was about to move out of my rented bedsit in Fulham commented 'Oh yes, Fulham. [pause] I own an entire street in Fulham'.

Which considering he was living in a rented flat in the arse end of the country was stretching my belief a little bit too far.

LiterarySalonsOfVancouver Wed 21-Nov-12 19:48:26

I've had to namechange because this one is famous among my friends and could out me.

From an utterly up-himself Canadian postgrad I knew at college: "The most intolerable thing about the literary salons of Vancouver is that nobody in them has read Proust - I mean, even in translation."

IreneR Wed 21-Nov-12 19:48:58

(I don't know if this was orginal or not, but it pithily summed up a friend's social attiudes.)

When the lottery was first introduced where I lived, some friends and I were joking about how nice it would be to win.

"Ughhhh," said another, dimissively. "The only thing worse than New Money is Instant Money."

jazzcat28 Wed 21-Nov-12 19:51:21

At work I'm surrounded by well paid engineers who are mainly 50+ men.

At the start of the bad weather this autumn two of them were discussing which car to use for the daily commute

"this changeable weather is a nightmare Bob, I've not only had to rearrange the garage so I can fit my soft top in but I've also had to MOT and service the Range Rover to handle the bad weather"

My fiesta seems to be coping well in the rain...

LiterarySalonsOfVancouver Wed 21-Nov-12 19:59:46

Oh yes, and I've never quite recovered from one incident when I was at school. One girl turns round to another in the desk behind her: "Do you want to go to the Cannes Film Festival this weekend?"

Reader, my school was a very long way from Cannes. She meant in Daddy's private jet. shock

Mintyy Wed 21-Nov-12 20:04:39

A Nanny at the toddler group run by my friend in Battersea (hugely upmarket area of London to the uninitiated where a 3 bed terraced house is £700,000+) asked if the raisins included at snack-time were organic. Because charge only ate 100% organic food.

Alisvolatpropiis Wed 21-Nov-12 20:06:36

Age 5/6 en route to the park I apparently announced that I was " really really excited to be going to the park to play on the playing apparatus". The playing apparatus also known as the climbing frames. I can only think I had picked it up from my teacher at the time, she was quite posh and used to call the pe equipment that. I think blush

Pickles77 Wed 21-Nov-12 20:10:07

smeggs was that outside the hoste wink I love it there and have heard a few one liners along those lines there smile

Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme Wed 21-Nov-12 20:11:05

Oh yes ohhelp I do agree with you. I like to surround myself with lovely things, I just don't feel the need to tell all and sundry all about them!

3b1g Wed 21-Nov-12 20:14:53

DS2 (10) comes out with some humdingers, not sure if we can blame the Asperger's or not. He regularly uses words like 'whilst' and 'hence' in everyday conversation. He also has a habit of speaking in bullet points. So if you ask him what he'd like to do at the weekend, he'll say 'Well (a) I'd like to use the computer, (b) I'd like to go to the library and (c) I'm hoping to play on the Wii.' Not pretentious as such, but it does sound peculiar.

MrsDeVere Wed 21-Nov-12 20:15:20

I had a 'friend' a few years back (I could do a whole thread about her). We were both living in council flats at the time.

When pondering what to wear on a night out down the local dive she would announce 'I think I shall wear my blue silk'.

I am surprised she didn't ring a bell and ask me to lay it out for her hmm

MrsDeVere Wed 21-Nov-12 20:18:10

My mother, bless her.

We were playing trivial pursuit and it was her turn...'oh I know this one but only in the Latin'

Chelly71 Wed 21-Nov-12 20:21:12

Playing Articulate with some friends we met travelling

Girl describes word on card: o Tom you've got 2 of these
Boy answers: lamas?
Girl:no, castles


Alisvolatpropiis Wed 21-Nov-12 20:22:31

Maybe she meant toy castles Chelley...like the Lego ones?

If not...wtf?!

emanon Wed 21-Nov-12 20:24:19

At a dinner party I was telling the guy sitting next to me that I was a secretary. He said 'that's nice, where did you study Oxford or Cambridge?'. When I went on to say I worked in publishing, he said 'oh how interesting, I only really had options of going into the Forces, becoming a Doctor or an Accountant :-o

Alisvolatpropiis Wed 21-Nov-12 20:24:38

3bg1 - I have always said things like that grin

shriekingnora Wed 21-Nov-12 20:25:28

Parent collecting reception child from playground:

PP (pretentious parent): What did you learn in school today, darling?
CC (confused child): Er.. I counted up to twenty.
PP: Oh well done! Did you do it in English or in French?

Same parent also loudly proclaimed the child's scores on their report. And I mean REALLY loudly mine scored more

pepperrabbit Wed 21-Nov-12 20:25:44

My old boss
"pepperrabbit, hold the fort, I need to pop out and buy some new grape scissors"

Lavenderhoney Wed 21-Nov-12 20:26:02

Artisanal slippers! That made me laugh, and dhsmile actually all of the posts made me laugh

At a pub in the country dominated at weekends by public school boys- ' I live in your average bog standard 5 bed house ( or hice as he pronounced it)

And painting and drawing for toddlers - one mum described how she had spent the afternoon finetuning her dd fine motor skills using appropriate utensils.

BeaWheesht Wed 21-Nov-12 20:27:30

When staying in Uni halls of residence accommodation during the summer holidays with 2 dc (because it was all we could afford) we walked into the canteen and ds (5) declared 'show me the croissants mummy' whilst dd (20m) shouted blueberries mummy mango mummy.

I let dh deal with them.

Plomino Wed 21-Nov-12 20:27:43

Mrs de vere, I had a similar choice line said!

One of my old friends from school came down to us for a weekend and we were doing Saturday evening wine fuelled scrabble when she came out with 'oh damn ! I was thinking in the wrong language '

I have trouble thinking in any language !

Chelly71 Wed 21-Nov-12 20:34:49

alisv no they were real castles. One his grandmother built for him based on a picture he drew as a child.....

I mix in vair fancy circles you know wink

DH and I were on our vair glam honeymoon in Cornwall. We were having a sit on a bench overlooking a blustery beach when we saw a group of boys in school uniform. As they passed us their teacher called out "stop at the next seat boys and we'll have some biccies and fizz" in the most divine posh accent.

We often have biccies and fizz in our house even now 15 years later!!

I don't have one myself, but a friend of mine who went on holiday to the Isle of Wight heard this humdinger from a bratty posh girl, 'Mother, if you think I'm getting on a bus you've got another thing coming!'

Mrsjay Wed 21-Nov-12 20:39:40

help yourself to the artisanal slippers'.

<snort> that is very funny I would have had to leave saying that i dont know anybody that has artisANAL <snigger> slippers

I once read on here that jewellery was best if it was bespoke which did tickle me,

but i really don't know anybpdy THAT pretentious

Pickles77 Wed 21-Nov-12 20:39:58

My mum overheard on a train from Manchester to London twenty years ago from a teenager: 'Oh no Mummy I shall not be going to University up thhhere. Mummy can you believe it they eat fried potato saaaandwhiches'

That one gets mentioned quite a lot on fish and chip nights smile

Mrsjay Wed 21-Nov-12 20:41:28

Oh I have 1
My little boy knows who to mix with it is if he knows the better children, he was 4 grin

YouMakeMeWannaLaLa Wed 21-Nov-12 20:43:56

"I can't believe I'm dating someone who doesn't have a degree".

A good friend, but muchos pinches of salt needed!

Mrsjay Wed 21-Nov-12 20:44:43

OH very middle class friend about 15 yrs ago, we were in the pub talking labour and politics and then got onto strikes I said my dad was on strike for a year it was tough on us all, friend said oh yeah I do understand he went onto say my mum is a teacher she was on strike and we had to pull out of school for a term . Piss of pally i was eating out of hampers from poland I win grin

Mrsjay Wed 21-Nov-12 20:46:58

OH oh I was working at a youthclub on a saturday afternoon and there was a children's French class going on in another room , I heard screams and shouting and this mum marching her toddler out the door , saying Marcus this will not do we will discuss it in the car grin

GreenyEyes Wed 21-Nov-12 20:47:03

When pondering what to wear on a night out down the local dive she would announce 'I think I shall wear my blue silk'.

Made me snort grin was your friend in Little Women?

HalloweenNameChange Wed 21-Nov-12 20:47:30

* NotInMyDay*

it bloody is liquid gold if you are struggling. I've cried my eyes out before when I lost the ounce or so after pumping for an hour. Wouldn't call it pretension.

Most pathetic attempt I have seen at pretension was at high end food/kitchenware store in the mall (in the states) woman points to a decanter on the wall... My friend has one of those, everyone did.. in FRANCE..

Honestly you had to be there..but she practically verbally italicized France..

Mrsjay Wed 21-Nov-12 20:49:16

this is from my friend who works in a nursery , she said to little kid are you ok dear , yes mrs X I was just so very worried for mummy the cleaner is ill and MY ensuite is needing a good scrub grin

I am on a roll

Alisvolatpropiis Wed 21-Nov-12 20:55:43

Does it have to be people you've met in real life? I just heard Michel Roux say "I love the ingredient profile, the highs and lows of taste". I know he's an amazing chef but...hmm

slambang Wed 21-Nov-12 20:56:40

When comparing new born babies and sleeplessness with friend of friend (who actually does live in a castle)...

Me: I'm so tired, ds is waking every 2 hours at night.
Friend of friend: Oh, yah. I really hope Peregrine starts sleeping through soon. I'm quite worried - the poor nanny is looking absolutely exhausted!

(And yes, his name really honestly is Peregrine.)

Mrsjay Wed 21-Nov-12 20:58:22

Dont even get me started on chefs and their lingo grin

Alisvolatpropiis Wed 21-Nov-12 20:58:42

A rather posh bloke at univserity once said to me "Oh, you lower middle class girls always have such lovely manners". He soon changed his mind.

LizzieVereker Wed 21-Nov-12 21:00:25

Not really pretentious but very showy offy: a now ex colleague, very ambitious totally up her own backside during her leaving speech said "well I suppose I'd better thank a couple of people. Because you don't get to be THIS good without a bit of help." And then didn't thank anyone, just sat down again.

MrsDeVere Wed 21-Nov-12 21:01:08

I suppose I should add myself.

When I ask DCs 4 & 5 (aged 4 & 2) 'what are you going to be when you grow up darlings?' they answer......

'Paediatric Oncologist'

Bwah ha ha. Cracks me up every time and I make them say it a lot. I wish I had thought of it when I had the other DCs.

You should try it. It only takes a bit of patience and a few biscuits grin

The looks we get, hilarious. It works particularly well when I am on the school run dressed in my velour trackie and fuggs.

bialystockandbloom Wed 21-Nov-12 21:02:19

My brother, aged about 14, after talking on and on and on at my mum (as was his wont), finally twigged that the conversation wasn't really a two-way thing, and said to her "ah I shall stop now, I see you're not in the mood for such light-hearted persiflage"

Mrsjay Wed 21-Nov-12 21:02:35

My boss said actually these new council houses are really lovely I was in 1 today and they kept their gardens immaculate , this is from somebody who bought an ex council house hmm

Mrsjay Wed 21-Nov-12 21:04:15

MRs DV the things you do for giggles grin

StickEmUp Wed 21-Nov-12 21:04:26

This isnt lighthearted for me as it has a back story but a friend who i was texting to get hold of text me 'sorry i didn't get back to you i was transferring a hundred grand between my 2 bank accounts'.

bialystockandbloom Wed 21-Nov-12 21:05:11

3b1g sorry but I did laugh at your post - in recognition I must add, my ds has asd too smile

Crikeyblimey Wed 21-Nov-12 21:05:52

In a "rather lovely" pub /inn we go to when feeling flush, I overheard the "tearbly" posh owner talking to two delightful older ladies about their next days fishing (yes the place has a river and organises fishing) "so ladies, I'm thinking no waders but a little bit of welly work". The women we really posh and lovely but he was just a prat.

Annunziata Wed 21-Nov-12 21:06:02

'Ooooh, how rustic! Charming, isn't it?' from a Glasgow Uni Accent-ed lot.

Naw, hen, it's a bowl of pasta, and it's actually peasant food.

awaywego1 Wed 21-Nov-12 21:06:09

When saying to my friend recently that I really wanted to save up for a holiday next year she said "oh yes, me too, Its crap isnt it, i mean I've only been to my parents place in France and the two retreats in India in the last year" I started twitching.

uggmum Wed 21-Nov-12 21:06:30

I felt like a twat the other day. Someone asked me what I like to drink and I replied that I only drank cocktails and champagne.
It sounded really wankie.
I actually only drink at celebrations/events and they are my favourites.
It still sounds wankie now!grin

Mrsjay Wed 21-Nov-12 21:07:25

woman I trained with sent her child to the local rough school as she said ' I really want her to be socially aware' If it wasn't so funny Id have been [shocked]

BarbecuedBillygoats Wed 21-Nov-12 21:07:39

Smegs- the hoste?

I hear them so often in my town I don't even register them anymore. Awful snobbery here.

TheDuchessOfEarl Wed 21-Nov-12 21:10:45

"Oh look Mummy - Jackson Pollock" <Points at picture>
"Oh Mummy - pleeeeease can we go for sushi?"
Both from my then 6yo Dd. blush <Cue me looking round to make sure no one heard>

bunnybing Wed 21-Nov-12 21:12:54

Overheard in a supermarket aisle on passing fimbles/Thomas the Tank Engine spaghetti hoops :

Little girl to mother: 'Can we have on of those tins?'
mother 'No darling, they're not nice.'
Little girl 'But they look nice. And i think they would taste nice'
Mother 'Yes, but they're trying to trick us into buying them by putting pictures on them - but we're cleverer than that. And we're not going to be tricked.'

and yes I had just bought a tin..

Mrsjay Wed 21-Nov-12 21:12:56

Cue me looking round to make sure no one heard>

everybody heard grin

MrsDeVere Wed 21-Nov-12 21:13:08

I was on the tube.
Two young men got on at Covent Garden. In rehearsal gear.
They were talking very loudly about their day.
One said 'I always think that its terribly important that dancers are seen to be working really hard whilst it should be quite, quite the opposite for actors'

Whatever trevor. I was on my way to get pissed and fall over....<kultured>

LonelyLinda Wed 21-Nov-12 21:24:52

An acquaintance: "The Hockney exhibition was like hacking out in a meadow on a spring morning"

I have never heard such pretentious shit it my entire life!

SoniaGluck Wed 21-Nov-12 21:36:15

I'm not sure if this will count as it was said tongue in cheek but anyway... Just after finishing A levels and before university my brother was sitting at the kitchen table reading my mum's newspaper and sighing theatrically. Mum asked him what the problem was and he said " There just aren't any jobs for me in here. I need to look in The Times."

So Mum asked him what sort of job he was looking for. "Oh" he replied airily.
" Live in raconteur and wit."

We howled.

posh friends staying at my house, calling her children into my kitchen, "look darlings white bread!!!" blush

grendel Wed 21-Nov-12 21:40:56

Said in a contemplative tone by very posh (heir to some German brewing empire), very elegant model girlfriend of a brother of a housemate while we were having dinner: "You know, food really does taste better when eaten off silver."
This phrase is often repeated by DH and I when faced with similar pretentiousness.

Another great comment was made by a colleague of mine years ago, (who had clearly come down in the world): "Oh yes, it's just like when we used to go hunting on the estanca in Uruguay!"

Wallace Wed 21-Nov-12 21:46:43


Conkers32 Wed 21-Nov-12 21:50:17

Doesn't quite count as I heard it on the radio, but Fearne Cotton (I know, I know...) was talking about a singer who draws his answers to questions when being interviewed...

Honestly, I did such a massive fucking eye roll, I'm surprised I didn't crash the car.

blisterpack Wed 21-Nov-12 21:53:00

bunnybing I don't see what's wrong with what the woman said. It is hard to look around at what everyone else has in their trolleys and answer accordingly.

Loving these by the way! Great thread.

poppy283 Wed 21-Nov-12 21:56:56

My dsis has a boyfriend who is a bit well off, private school, range rover etc, and is terribly impressed by that sort of thing.

They'd been going out a while and she told me she'd started subscribing to both Country Living and Country Life magazine (she lives in the suburbs with our parents). I asked her why and she said, "to prepare me!"

Dear lord.

1944girl Wed 21-Nov-12 21:59:11

I had a greataunt whose DH had inherited a house in a very posh area of the city. (he had been left it by his aunt who had been left it by her employer IYSWIM). Because of this she thought she was a cut above the rest of us.She was talking to my grandmother about her daughter's latest boyfriend ''Nice enough lad but not very well brought up, he doubles his bread''.
This became a standing joke in the family afterwards, my uncle would deliberatly fold his bread in half when making a sandwich and say''He doubles his bread''

LemonMousse Wed 21-Nov-12 22:05:12

My best friend once complained to me that she wasn't looking forward to visiting her husband's Aunt for Boxing Day dinner because "She always does roast pork and it's such a cheap cut of meat." hmm

It's not her fault she grew up with 'posh' parents grin

Shellywelly1973 Wed 21-Nov-12 22:09:34

I was returning a jacket at a standard high street shop but in a posh part of London,when i gave the shop assistant postcode,she replied, 'Oh dear, never mind!' ?!!!

Anna1976 Wed 21-Nov-12 22:11:31

Doozy of a charity committee I once sat on where the poor sod paid by the charity hadn't been paid in months and was rightly complaining bitterly about his house being on the brink of repossession... the chair, Lord Someone, said "why are you washing your dirty linen in public about not being able to pay your debts? Doesn't your housekeeper have a budget? Or does your wife not know how to manage staff?" biscuit

PimpMyHippo Wed 21-Nov-12 22:24:33

When I was 7ish I had the little girl from up the road over to play at my house. Think she was either same age or year younger. We had a dog.

Little girl to my mum "I'm not very partial to dogs"

WTF little girl would say that particular phrase?!

That actually could have been me... I'm sure I said very similar things at that age. blush When I was six a teacher remarked on my height and I replied "Yes, I'm tall and golden like the wheat" grin (in my defence, this was based on a line from The Little Red Hen, I didn't just come up with it off the top of my head...)

I heard some corkers when I worked at a livery yard - the stereotype of wealthy horsey people is often false, but occasionally it's dead on. Lots of children inviting each other over for pool parties and comparing school fees, and "Oh good, the towbar's still on the Landy from when we last took the boat out so I'll be able to take the horsebox..."

carabos Wed 21-Nov-12 22:28:27

DD of posh client of DH to her DM - "gosh mummy it so hot, I'm really glad you chose air conditioning in your new range rover. How do people manage who don't have it in their cars?"

Former colleague (brought up in a council house) "We're going skiing at Christmas because DS (age 5) and DD (3) really need to be skiing now otherwise they're not going to have any nice friends at nursery".

DS1 to his DGM's NDN when she showed an interest in his toys -"it's not a monster <sigh> it's a triceratops <mini eye roll>.

yellowdomino Wed 21-Nov-12 22:30:25

I was once on a bus going through Chelsea and overheard two old boys cracking jokes in latin grin

Whatsounddoesagiraffemake Wed 21-Nov-12 22:39:01

In a pizza restaurant I once squawked at DD (2) in my best home counties accent 'Oh for goodness sake, you've got tapenade on your trousers'.

EchoAlone Wed 21-Nov-12 22:41:02

"oh, I so envy you, since you have not read 'War and Peace' yet. I wish I still had that experience in my future"

Anna1976 Wed 21-Nov-12 22:41:38

"oh FFS i hate having dreams about quadratic equations"

Themilkybarisonme Wed 21-Nov-12 22:42:16

My uncle (as a tot) to my grandma, "look at all those funny, joined together houses!"
Yup, terraces. Probably not the best remark to make on a bus in Oldham in the 60s grin

axure Wed 21-Nov-12 22:43:04

On the Feminist board just now - re changing name on marriage "I kept my name because it's the one
I'm published under".

LaQueen Wed 21-Nov-12 22:43:20

My luffly, luffly BF grew up with a silver spoon in her mouth, and a pony in the upper paddock.

When doing some work experience in her gap year, she was chatting to her co-worker (who was slightly more salt of the earth, shall we say), and when she remarked that my BF 'was proper posh' my BF replied in total innocence 'Oh, no I'm not posh really. Although, I can see that someone like you would think I was posh, but really I'm not...'

rhondajean Wed 21-Nov-12 22:44:40

My mother re my cousin who is adopting a child- " that baby will want for NOTHING. They live in a mansion you know". ( it's a quartered Victorian conversion). Obviously unlike my two who are on the poverty line and surviving in rags and on scraps hmm

Sadly the genes seem to have come through. Me to dd2 (age 5 at the time) stood looking at the Christmas sweets in sainsbos -"come on darling, you don't want all those, they aren't good for you. Let's go get your olives"

To me eternal shame dd2 responded - "oh yes PLEASE mummy and can I have a full jar for myself?"


One of the mums at school was telling me how difficult it is to find au pairs who are capable of looking after the horses, with the occasional bit of child care thrown in. My heart bled angry

Mintyy Wed 21-Nov-12 22:46:27

Axure - is that really pretentious? It seems a good reason to not change one's name, to me anyway.

oliviafrombolivia Wed 21-Nov-12 22:47:34

a friend of mine knocked on the door of her bosses house along with another colleague (as arranged), bosses daughter answers the door "mummy, its the staff"...

notjustamummythankyou Wed 21-Nov-12 22:48:58

This is great! Can we have a Mumsnet Pseuds' Corner a la Private Eye?!

AnyFuleKno Wed 21-Nov-12 22:49:43

bunnybing - re your story with the pasta shapes, that could well have been me grin

TheOriginalSteamingNit Wed 21-Nov-12 22:50:19

'isn't it lovely to drink a wine where you actually know the vineyard'

NewNames Wed 21-Nov-12 22:50:49

These all remind me of the Luvvies bit in Private Eye grin

axure Wed 21-Nov-12 22:53:09

Mintyy are you taking the piss?

TheOriginalSteamingNit Wed 21-Nov-12 22:57:16

It's a sensible reason to keep a name, and I would say it on here though perhaps not at a RL gathering.

NewNames Wed 21-Nov-12 22:58:44

I don't think the name change thing is pretentious.

Anna1976 Wed 21-Nov-12 22:59:32

axure - it could easily have come across pretentiously if it had been said the wrong context, but (non-bonkers) people in academia do care a lot about traceability of publications, given that your career and your ability to get funded does essentially depend on other people being able to see how much you've published - and often these will be people who haven't seen your CV.

LaQueen Wed 21-Nov-12 23:01:03

Sitting round a pub table, chatting about paintings, my DB's friend remarked 'Oh, I don't know much about art, although we do have a few paintings by that artist...what's his name...oh, I know...Van Gogt'

[his father was a Dutch baron, lived in a bona fide castle, and they really did have some Van Gogt's on the wall of the long gallery ]

ScrambledSmegs Wed 21-Nov-12 23:03:54

Pickles and BBQGoats - you are both correct in your assumption grin I think we should organise MN field trips to witness the pretentious classes in their natural habitat. It's quite an eye-opener!

sadsong Wed 21-Nov-12 23:06:36

lauries I went to a customers house and was I always take my shoes off unless told oh no dear it's fine! You never know what the rules are. But this one particular customer asked me to put plastic covers over my shoes. (you know surgical) I said I'll take them off it's fine. Apparently my feet weren't good enough either! I over quoted that job, I just didn't fancy it! wink

choceyes Wed 21-Nov-12 23:15:25

My ds 4yrs old embaressed me at a cornershop the other day where they also have a small deli counter (not a posh shop at all, deli mainly has cheap bacon and sausages), by throwing a tantrum crying that he really really wanted Jarlsberg cheese and no other cheese would do. I suggested emmenthal instead but nooooo no emmenthal I want jarlsberg he cried. Poor bloke behind counter had no clue what either cheese was. I blame dh and his cheese obsession for this.

gallifrey Wed 21-Nov-12 23:16:53

these are all brilliant!

MrsCantSayAnything Wed 21-Nov-12 23:18:48

Genuinely confused about all the people on here mentioning olives as evidence of pretension. Maybe they were a bit unusual in the 80s or something....they're not anymore!

alisarah Wed 21-Nov-12 23:19:33

blush I have said during a conversation about something vaguely science based (I forget what) "you are talking to two scientists here" (referring to me and DP. I had had a few wines blush

Portofino Wed 21-Nov-12 23:21:50

I had a very lovely NCT night out with Brussels Mums when I first moved over. One said to me "My house is SO large I cannot justify putting the heating on during the day" I could not think of a response to that.

rhondajean Wed 21-Nov-12 23:22:40

It's the olives coupled with the small children that does it.

Especially in Thr west of Scotland, where olives are still regarded with as much suspicion as a jar of pickled foetuses by a large percentage of teh population.

ScrambledSmegs Wed 21-Nov-12 23:24:17

Possibly the fact that children are choosing them over sweets/chocolates? And loudly proclaiming their preference?

My DD embarrassed the crap out of me the other day by shouting "Look mummy, butternut squash! I LOVE butternut squash" in the supermarket. I know she likes it, but did she have to say it quite so loudly?! I looked like I'd been coaching her or something blush

She redeemed herself later by having a tantrum when I wouldn't buy her chocolate buttons grin

OscarPistoriusBitontheside Wed 21-Nov-12 23:26:23

My aunts MIL. She lived in Lemington Spa.

She was discussing how filthy with litter train stations were (my dad and other uncle both worked for BR) "of course" says she there is litter at Lemington spa, "but it's a better class of litter."


Needless to sat its still a family catchphrase.

Fozzleyplum Wed 21-Nov-12 23:29:01

A relative of mine has definite Hyacinth Bucket tendencies; she sees no irony in using the sort of purple prose you see on naff menus or in holiday brochures.

A particular classic was her account of a stay overnight in a "luxury hotel where we had a whirlpool spa bath and cocktail of our choice from the cocktail menu". DH, who nearly burst with the effort not to laugh, now refers to all such pretension as "cocktail of his choice".

Or are we being pretentious in mocking her.......

BOFingSanta Wed 21-Nov-12 23:30:19

Oscar- I love that one grin.

MariaMandarin Wed 21-Nov-12 23:40:11

I prepared a huge tray of sandwiches for a pfb first birthday party my old boss was having. Apparently they were just 'Awful, awful, like some dreadful corporate buffet'. Theres only so much you can do with a load of ham sandwiches surely. I never did find out what a correctly presented tray of sandwiches is supposed to look like.

MrsCantSayAnything Wed 21-Nov-12 23:40:12

Fozley I think a bit of both! grin but I love her speech! I want to talk like that all the time.

"I've just been to the cafe, I had the managers special with grease-laden rashers for one and free cup of instant coffee on the side."

scarlettsmummy2 Wed 21-Nov-12 23:42:06

Me: Scarlett, do you need to go to the toilet?

Daughter: No mummy, it's not the toilet it is the loo!! It's not nice to call it the toilet.

She is three.blush

MrsCantSayAnything Wed 21-Nov-12 23:43:57

Maria maybe she'd have liked these sandwiches

AudrinaAdare Wed 21-Nov-12 23:49:06

Mates four year old brother announcing, "goodness, Daddy, look at all those awful people" as we traveled on an escalator. I wouldn't mind but we were in John Lewis!

MariaMandarin Wed 21-Nov-12 23:49:46

They're fantastic sandwiches and multi purpose too. She was a very pretentious woman. She donated all her carrier bags to a local market stall to reuse. They loved to see her coming apparently because of all the lovely posh bags she always gave them.

BananaBubbles Wed 21-Nov-12 23:50:01

I don't get the faux embarrassment over sushi/olives/pesto/hummus etc either.It's just food surely?Nothing special about them.
Well I'm not convinced that olives are food,though they do make lovely oil,but that's because they're disgusting,not because they're terribly exotic or anything.And I'm in the West of Scotland.

MrsCantSayAnything Wed 21-Nov-12 23:52:18

I know banana....I feel like there should be no embarrassment attached to brioche either! It' Brioche! You can buy them in the CoOp!

MariaMandarin Wed 21-Nov-12 23:53:11

Depends where you are with the food ones. In some areas it would posh to eat a Twiglet

Dsis to DD "when do you start skoo-will?" (Think of the accents in The Committments)

DD (age 5) "It's not skoo-will Aunty Bottom, it's schoooool" (v posh D4 accent) Dublin 4 is the poshest part of Dublin (we live nowhere near it)

BananaBubbles Wed 21-Nov-12 23:56:03

Don't get me started on the wrongness of Twiglets and all things Marmite.

Fozzleyplum Wed 21-Nov-12 23:56:52

Banana, I think it's because there is a particular brand of loud parent who likes to advertise the fact whilst walking round Waitrose that their dcs have terribly sophisticated palates. Heaven forbid that one should be mistaken for such a middle class show off if one's child really does prefer the deli counter to the Haribo display wink.

LivingInAPinkBauble Wed 21-Nov-12 23:59:14

When I was younger apparently we took my great aunt to McDonalds where she asked the staff for the salt and pepper, cutlery and looked in vain for the naice table with the table cloth! I think that was her first and last visit.

Again this was me when about 3, we had been in holiday in UK and visited my mum's wealthy boss' country house for the day, which I spent playing with boss' grandchildren. When home again we visited a national trust house. Cue me spending the whole time squealing excitedly about its similarities to my friend's house!

When at university I somehow ended up in the posh halls of residence, filled with people striding around saying 'do you know who my father is?' Funnily enough, no and neither do I care!

Moodykat Thu 22-Nov-12 00:00:14

I was once cooking whilst being on the phone to my aunt and came out with "oh bother, I just dropped a jar of tapenade on my caffeteirre (sp, mind blank) and the dratted thing has broken".
And was recently at a friends house when her DS walked in and said "mummy, where is the green iPad?" turns out they have three iPads in that house. Pink, blue and green. The blue one apparently wouldn't do!

HalloweenNameChange Thu 22-Nov-12 00:05:13

I have to say I am quite enjoying the stealth boasting... grin

BananaBubbles Thu 22-Nov-12 00:07:04

Thankyou for the explanation,Fozzley.

I definitely wouldn't be embarrassed about brioche either.It's just bread.Particuarly delicious bread perhaps,but nothing extraordinary.

BananaBubbles Thu 22-Nov-12 00:10:21

I agree re stealth boasting,and think the thread would be far more honest if blush was replaced with a smug grin.

I'm still lmao at the artisanal slippers though. It's worth it for that alone.

secretcurry Thu 22-Nov-12 00:32:20

I was pretty insufferable when I was small.
We were lucky to live in a big house because my Dad was very good at renovations and my parents managed to buy it cheap to do up.
I didn't like to go to friends' houses to play and always asked them to come back to my house instead, I can clearly remember saying to one friend's Mum "It's just that I get claustrophobic on your landing and we can't put a den in your airing cupboard..." I would complain to DM that "They don't have an attic OR a cellar, or outbuildings either!"

<massive cringe face>

DM gleefully tells me that I also would point at houses out of the car window and say "Why do people want to live in these houses? They are all so squashed together and small."

At 6 I was a pretty insufferable snob it seems that explains why I didn't have many friends

M0naLisa Thu 22-Nov-12 00:39:49

Mum at school said once about house cleaning

'I like to clean the bathrooms before the cleaner comes but it takes up so much time as we have 5 bathrooms' hmm

Hmm between 3 people yes must get very dirty!!

MordecaiAndTheRigbys Thu 22-Nov-12 00:43:57

We have the Irish Apprentice over here in Oirland (Or rather had, tis been cancelled I am sure). I remember last year reading about the contestants in the paper at my parents for Sunday dinner.

My sister says "What are you reading about?"
I say "The Irish Apprentice=It starts next week.."
She says "The Irish Apprentice?? Goodness, how provincial.."

She was deadly serious too. We are Irish, and not from the nice side of the city either! I love reminding her of it!

Llareggub Thu 22-Nov-12 00:53:40

My 5 year old turned down blue pop at a party because "it contains chemicals, mummy." I will admit to being pleased, though my 3 year old happily consumed his brother's chemicals.

Euphemia Thu 22-Nov-12 01:03:54

My oldest and bestest pal, normally vv down to earth, spent too much time mixing with yummy RAF mummies and declared, "DD will do fine academically as she is from a good gene pool." hmm

Cynner Thu 22-Nov-12 01:27:33

On telling one school mum how much I enjoyed our stay at a hotel in the Dominican Republic..her reply.." Really, I thought it was feculent "
Now I try to employ that word as often as possible..

Zazzles007 Thu 22-Nov-12 01:53:36

Mine is going to need a bit of explaining, as I'm from Oz.

I was at a 'party' that a woman I knew was holding. It was one of those 'invite your friends over and get them to buy whatever crap I'm promoting tonight' parties. The woman lives in a posh neighbourhood, with a 3 storey house on the 'right' side of the harhour (ie facing north), and her girlfriends were all wives of CEO's, huge houses, Land Rovers in the drive. You get the picture.

Anyway, at one point in the night, one of her friends turns to me and says "So Zazzles, are you a Middle Harbour Mum?' I looked at her and replied "Oh no, I work for a living." Oddly enough, she avoided me for the rest of the evening..... grin

LoopsInHoops Thu 22-Nov-12 02:30:49

Not heard, read. On this thread:

*"MammaTJ Wed 21-Nov-12 18:42:56

Nasty chavvy girl belonging to the nasty chavvy family who live across the road from me. Both homes Housing Association. '*

Pictureperfect Thu 22-Nov-12 02:34:22

We found my school reports from junior school, aged 8 when I had to say what I've felt about the topic we had been working on I said;
'Im not over struck with the past', why I put it like that instead of saying I didn't like it!

notmydog Thu 22-Nov-12 05:42:25

Friend with rich husband and full-time help said to me: 'I don't think it's God's will for us working women to also do our own cleaning' hmm
I was so stunned that I actually couldn't answer and I just turned around and walked away. Is it possible for anyone to be so out of touch with reality? What about your cleaner love, or doesn't she qualify as a working woman?

CheerfulYank Thu 22-Nov-12 06:02:50

My grandmother, to me: "We do not marry Catholics" about two months before I did that very thing. grin She's the daughter of the town "loose woman" and a man who drank himself to death the month before she was born, and her eldest son (my dad) is a tradesman who knocked up my mom when they were unwed teens, so what exactly she thinks "our sort" (a phrase she throws around a lot) is I'll never know.

Her daughter married a Catholic too, but he converted to the much-preferred Lutheranism so that was all right. Though they did go on to have six children, which of course my grandmother despises and blames on the Pope. hmm

CheerfulYank Thu 22-Nov-12 06:04:07

Oh, and her other son (my favorite uncle) married a Jewish woman and they are raising their daughter in the Jewish faith, but that is perfectly all right. Anything but a dirty Catholic.

I was about 14 and doing work experience, and some of us went to meet some clients/acquaintances for lunch. It was snowing and one woman turned up in a ushtanka hat. I told her it looked lovely and warm, purely to make conversation. She replied "oh yes, it's from Moscow. You wouldn't believe the problems I have buying fur in Chelsea. I've had eggs thrown at me and everything. Thing is, nothing is as warm and the Russians understand that."

I didn't quite know what to say!

Friend is teaching in prep school at the mo. A child said to him "Sir, does 'Lego' have a silent 't', like 'merlot'?"

mortimersraven Thu 22-Nov-12 07:11:15

Colleague and I were discussing the merits of shoe bags and other fabric 'storage solutions' for our work project. I was campaigning for poly/cotton as it's cheaper and the bags would be given away free. Colleague was adamant we must have expensive 100% cotton with a high thread count.

I told him, not necessary, look at when you buy an expensive leather bag - it comes in a free fabric bag but often that's a totally synthetic very cheap fabric. Colleague retorted,

''maybe with the kind of bags you buy, but the ones I buy certainly are more expensively packaged than that!''

mortimersraven Thu 22-Nov-12 07:14:54

I have a friend who firmly believes the first class passengers on the titanic were right to be put in the lifeboats first because they paid more

I used to work in a secondary school in a fairly disadvantaged area. I was with a colleague and we were pushing a big TV on a wheeled stand from upper school to lower school, and had to negotiate paving slabs and uneven ground etc. The bell went for lesson change just as we had reached a door, and a year 9 kid zoomed out of the door and nearly hit us. My colleague shouted (at the top of his voice) "Good grief - be very careful - the terrain is terribly rough."
The student just stood, looking at him, shrugged his shoulders and ran off.
I was bent double with laughing. We were in deepest, disadvantaged north Notts. it couldn't have been more out of place!

3b1g Thu 22-Nov-12 07:31:09

When DS1 was about four he was invited to a birthday party at McDonalds. It was the first time he'd been there. At that time that branch weren't offering a veggie burger or bean burger, so DS1 just had fries. He took a small bite of his first fry, did an exaggerated reluctant swallow, then firmly stated 'This isn't food!'. I was half embarrassed and half secretly proud.

CheerfulYank Thu 22-Nov-12 07:43:26

And still pmsl over "artisanal slippers". I mean, what the actual?? grin

EmmaNemms Thu 22-Nov-12 08:10:55

My 4 year old daughter and I were invited to afternoon tea at a rather posh neighbours house. I was so delighted, when on accepting a slice of chocolate sponge, she requested a cake fork....

EmmaNemms Thu 22-Nov-12 09:15:49

And my DS, then aged about 6, caused me much pleasure by asking for seconds, thusly, 'please may I have some more trout, mummy?' It was on the reduced counter at Tesco, I'm not sure we've had it since!

3b1g Thu 22-Nov-12 09:24:54

I recently saw someone use the word 'thusly' on a MN thread. grin
Just teasing, EmmaNemms.

MrsCantSayAnything Thu 22-Nov-12 09:27:32

Thusly is not a real word!

It appears to have first been used by humorists, who may have been echoing the speech of poorly educated people straining to sound stylish. The word has subsequently gained some currency in educated usage, but it is still often regarded as incorrect.

MrsCantSayAnything Thu 22-Nov-12 09:28:01

Sorry. I know it's bad to pick up on grammar but THUSLY! shock grin

Fourandstillcounting Thu 22-Nov-12 09:31:03

Putyoursockson "Friend is teaching in prep school at the mo. A child said to him "Sir, does 'Lego' have a silent 't', like 'merlot'?"

That has revived a so far crappy morning! grin

3b1g Thu 22-Nov-12 09:36:42

The Lego with a silent t is my favourite so far, too.
Can putyoursocksON get a sticker or something? The OP should also get a sticker for the artisanal slippers.

Mintyy Thu 22-Nov-12 09:37:18

Axure (just incase you see this) - no, I was not taking the piss. I cannot see that it is pretentious not to want to change your name when you get married, for whatever reason. If you are known by your birth name as a writer, or anything else for that matter, then it seems to me perfectly reasonable to keep that name.

Mrsjay Thu 22-Nov-12 09:38:48

that guy is an amazing Urban Poet!"


once saw Keith Allen on a Programme trying to help poor people scary spice was also on the programme, anyway Keith Allen said of the housing estate they were living on as urban and gritty hmm ok Keith

TheOriginalSteamingNit Thu 22-Nov-12 09:40:13

I agree Mintyy.

TheOriginalSteamingNit Thu 22-Nov-12 09:42:22

And absolutely anything on Radio 4's Food Programme - ie., 'people are increasingly moving awaay from the sort of mass produced cheese you can buy in a supermarket, and there's a grass-roots movement towards setting up your own micro-creamery in your cellar, outhouses, stables or even, as with our next guest, your own gameskeeper's cottage!'.

In our house we call that programme 'People Are Increasingly Moving Away From NO THEY'RE NOT'. It's always on when we're driving to do anything on a Sunday.

Mrsjay Thu 22-Nov-12 09:44:53

It's the olives coupled with the small children that does it.

It isn't the olives as rhonda said it is the little un wanting a whole jar it is the whole context of the olive grin

complexnumber Thu 22-Nov-12 09:47:09

Me (aged about 20 or 21) to my dad "You know, I've never really tasted non-vintage port"

ChestnutsRoastingonaWitchesTit Thu 22-Nov-12 09:48:08

Mum walked out of KFC once with her nose in the air after loudly and with aghast complaining about their lack of "silverware"

ChestnutsRoastingonaWitchesTit Thu 22-Nov-12 09:49:46

My thing described as "artisan" is poncey, I bought some "artisan" ham on the bone the other day, do you think the pig knew of its cachet?

vladthedisorganised Thu 22-Nov-12 09:49:53

My Dad's favourite, overheard in Sainsbury's:
"Peregrine, put the organic pomegranete down!" Peregrine was about 3.

I suppose reading a history book out loud to three-month-old DD was a leetle pretentious, but in my defence I was bored and reading aloud seemed to be the only thing that sent her to sleep. And "1917 - Year Of Uprising" is a lot more appealing to me than "Snuggle Up, Sleepy Bunnies".

I love this thread.

A year or so back my exbf attended a family event. He was a kind but pretentious soul and had always felt his regional accent was beneath him. So you can imagine the cringe factor when he saunters up with a carefully scripted opening gambit delivered in very plummy received pronunciation.

I looked like this >> shock and then blush on his behalf.

akaemmafrost Thu 22-Nov-12 09:51:07

I live in a HA property. Does this mean I am not allowed to be even a teeny bit pretentious? Because I am afraid that ship has sailed wink.

frantic51 Thu 22-Nov-12 09:58:47

Ex MIL who visited once, once mark you, for an overnight stay (I was married to her son for over 30 years) after she deigned to come down after her grandchildren had all left for school, picked up her personal cafetiere (sp?) and copy of the Daily Telegraph (pre-ordered from me the night before) and announced, "If you're wanting me, frantic, I'll be in the drawing room" Drawing room????!!!!! WTF shock

gallifrey Thu 22-Nov-12 10:14:20

I used to work for a very wealthy lady who called pasta parrsta, she was actually lovely but she had a very stuck up niece who announced that going to nightclubs was common and that she only went to balls!

I love this thread.

Especially the poncey children. grin

My wanker ex used to work in 'estate management' (no really. It's shit). This means his job was fannying about in wellies on some posh bloke's estate, along with about forty other 'staff'. What I loved was they'd sort of talk as if it was their estate.

So his boss invited us out to dinner, and it was one of those 'bring the little woman' things. So I turned up with a bottle of plonk, as you do. His wife took it, raised her eyebrows, and declared 'will this want decanting, do you think?'

When we were eating I said brightly 'oh, this is lovely, what a nice way to do lamb'. Terrible silence descended (the hostess told me later in the kitchen 'it's not the done thing to comment on a meal' confused). Eventually the host turned to me and said: 'And which hunt do you ride with?'

I am not kidding. This was in 2008, well after the hunt ban.

The thing was, they were playing all this landed-gentry bollocks, living in a cottage on the edge of the estate they were managing, and pratting around as if they were Lord and Lady Fancypants.

gallifrey Thu 22-Nov-12 10:18:20

They still hunt even after the ban btw

I know they do. And I know it's legal to drag hunt. I just found it a stunningly wanky question to ask, as if I was obviously going to reply 'oh, yah, Lady Ffaffington-Smythe's hunt, dontcha know, over in Quorn'.

MariaMandarin Thu 22-Nov-12 10:21:35

My friend's mother lived in a very pretty village and I went to stay with them just before Christmas one year. She was having a good old moan about the neighbours for putting a wreath on their front door. 'So terribly suburban.' My friend was and is perpetually embarrassed by her.

notjustamummythankyou Thu 22-Nov-12 10:35:21

mamatj - Have I overlooked some subtle form of irony appropriate to this thread, or are you actually being serious?!

BupcakesAndCunting Thu 22-Nov-12 10:36:15

Pretentious thread here if anyone's bothered, including Pag's Tar-mar-slar-tar debacle.

Whojamaflip Thu 22-Nov-12 10:36:17

My dcs take great delight in asking if they can get a book from the library - ffs its a bookcase in the living room confused

Standing outside reception class door waiting for ds1 to come out, another mum sidles up to me and asks if ds can go for a playdate as "we seemed to be the right social type" shock

Oh and I have had an uber posh mum come up and say "but you must know X - after all he owns his own estate too!" (we're farmers without 2 pennies to rub together grin )

vladthedisorganised Thu 22-Nov-12 10:52:57

Reminds me of a bloke who told me he 'used to drive around the estate when he was 15, but got proper lessons at 17 before he took his test'.

My first reaction was to say brightly "Oh, joyriding then?" before I realised he didn't mean that sort of estate.

thegreylady Thu 22-Nov-12 11:10:09

I was a great Angela Brazil fan when I was a girl. During my first year at a poshish girls' grammar school I was desperate to fit in. When the prefect at the lunch table asked why I had been absent I replied," I was indisposed because of influenza thank you Susannah."
a) her name was Helen unlike the girl in the book I was reading
b) I had a bit of a cold

Nancy66 Thu 22-Nov-12 11:16:39

A very posh friends daughter (aged about 4) was telling me what her favourite food was

'I love bsketti,' she said.

'Ohh - on toast?' I asked (thinking she meant tinned spaghetti)

'No. With puttanesca sauce and a little parmesan'

TheReturnOfBridezilla Thu 22-Nov-12 11:20:19

I know someone one who calls her Ford Kuga a "Chelsea tractor" in all seriousness. We are quite far from Chelsea. grin

My Dad referred to the kitchen extension as the West Wing for years (firmly tongue in cheek though) - their house is a 3 bed semi d in suburbia.

He's the opposite of pretentious though - offers people Horse's Doovers (pronounced exactly like that) and Amusing Buckets (hors d'oeuvres and amuse bouchees) - we're dying for someone to 'correct' him and then to find out he's a retired chef taking the mick!

Flimflammery Thu 22-Nov-12 11:26:54

I'd sent out invitations to DS's 5th birthday party, and one school mum came up to me and apologised. She wouldn't be able to come herself, because they were picking up their yacht that day, but she would send her son with the maid.

To be fair, they're not at all pretentious, just rich and living the expat lifestyle.

grin I love that onthebottom. Mainly for the Bartlett implications.

Flimflammery Thu 22-Nov-12 11:29:53

My sis's sister-in-law took her DC back to stay with rather down-to-earth old fashioned relatives in Ireland. On being asked what he would like to drink, the DS asked if they had any pomegranate juice. It did not go down well.

AMillionMilesOfFun Thu 22-Nov-12 11:35:49

My Dad, god love him, during lunch at Brown's:

Dad (v quietly to waiter): "Without gesticulating, could you indicate the direction of the loos please?"
Waiter (loudly, and pointing): "The loos are over there mate."

(Me - secretly delighted)

BananaBubbles Thu 22-Nov-12 11:44:38

I still don't really understand what's so remarkable about a child eating olives,though how they can stomach them is beyond me.They're foul little things,olives,not children that is,but I'm probably too much of a pleb to comprehend it.grin

frantic51 Thu 22-Nov-12 11:45:30

Honestly don't know if this really happened (may be an urban myth) and can't for the life of me remember where I heard/read it (might even have been on MN) but I remember a story of a social climbing parent whose child had got a scholarship to a rather posh fee paying school and, in an effort to start a conversation with a couple of "mummies" announced loudly that she and her husband were in the process of buying a new estate (she poled up every morning in some battered old hatchback apparently) and one of the "mummies" turned around and barked, "Oh really? Where?"

Furoshika Thu 22-Nov-12 11:50:18

Ah. One of mine is on this thread hmm
But fair enough! It was meant tongue in cheek but missed its mark and did make me look like a twat.

LadyMaryCrawley Thu 22-Nov-12 11:50:43

The artisanal slippers have made my day. I kind of want a basket of my own now, so I can offer them to visitors just to see the expressions on their faces.

I don't really have anything pretentious, but I was in my office one Saturday whilst all about me the ballet mums came and went with their precious tutu'd charges. Suddenly a loud posh child voice in the doorway said "Who's THAT, Mummy?", with the disdain that only a four-year-old girl in ballet things can muster.

Mummy's reply, after she looked to see who "that" was, was "Oh, nobody, darling."


frantic51 Thu 22-Nov-12 11:55:08

Which one Furishika? <nosey> grin

My first ever trip to a mother and toddler group with DD1 was asked by a vair, vair posh mummy if we had, "an upstairs playroom or a downstairs playroom"? She actually turned out, on further acquaintance, to be rather sweet and lacking in self confidence. Her family had been hugely wealthy but had lost loads in the Lloyds of London crash as she and her father were both "names". She was like a fish out of water in the ordinary world, bless her! sad

I can't remember where I read this, but there is a family (I think it's a famous foodie's) where they've taught the toddler to do pretend wine appreciation. So friends come round, they open a bottle and give the toddler the cork to sniff, who then says things like 'Ooh, I'm getting top notes of gooseberry'.

Bloody genius, I can't wait to teach mine to do that. grin

Jingleflobba Thu 22-Nov-12 12:00:19

Hostess of a brthday party we went to a couple of weeks ago..
"Tassimo anyone? Would anyone like a Tassimo?"
Coffee love. Just a coffee...

Furoshika Thu 22-Nov-12 12:04:00

I'm not going to say, as I don't want to show her up as not having a sense of the absurd grin
(It's someone I don't see any more, we didn't really truly click, I'm sure I misunderstood her lots too.)

ThatBintAgain Thu 22-Nov-12 12:07:04

Brilliant thread.

DS1 the other day in Wagamama: "can I have a redbush? Oh well, mint tea then." Dunno why it makes me blush, he actually really likes both... blush

Psammead Thu 22-Nov-12 12:14:44

I am working class, if I have to assign a class to myself, and grew up in a very working class town where my parents still live. On a visit, we went to Asda to get some shopping and I asked DD, then 2.5, what she fancied for lunch. 'Tortellini' was the answer. Fine, I grab a packet at which point she wails 'No, Mummy NO! Ricotta tortellini!'

Obviously not pretentious at that age, but I had to smile as I put it in the basket that at her age, and a good few years older too I had never even heard of tortellini, let alone ricotta grin

ElephantsAndMiasmas Thu 22-Nov-12 13:00:10

"'People Are Increasingly Moving Away From NO THEY'RE NOT" ahahahaha.

When I was a child I once requested "After swimming, daddy, perhaps we could have some snacks at the bar?"

darksideofthemooncup Thu 22-Nov-12 13:11:54

My friend's horrible social climbing mother discussing me and my dh with her equally horrible friend. `well of course they aren't PLU'
And what are PLUs? People like us

Primrose123 Thu 22-Nov-12 13:13:25

On DD's first day of nursery school, she was a little hesitant about going in without me. I told her I'd just go to tesco and come back to pick her up. The nursery nurse said to her, "Mummy will buy you some lovely fruit there," and she said, "Ooh Mummy, will you buy me some smoked salmon?" I was very embarrassed, we live in a very down to earth place, not posh at all! She'd only tried smoked salmon once or twice over Christmas, and absolutely loved it!

darksideofthemooncup Thu 22-Nov-12 13:19:55

Oh and I should add that she pronounced PLU like poo but with an L.

3b1g Thu 22-Nov-12 13:42:30

Er... I don't get the playroom one. confused

Notafoodbabyanymore Thu 22-Nov-12 14:41:54

This thread is hilarious.

I have a friend whose DP is very wealthy. A group of us were discussing my current pregnancy the other night, when one friend asked me if I'd considered one of the 3D scans. I said, "yeah they look amazing, but they're really expensive and not medically necessary..." at which point rich DP chimes in with "...and you're too tight, hahaha..." I just smiled and said, "no, just skint, actually. We can't afford it."

He's a nice enough bloke, but totally clueless about reality.

topbannana Thu 22-Nov-12 14:44:05

DS, about 6 at the time, had been learning about FairTrade in school and was charged with remembering the hot chocolate when we were in Tesco (he is a bit of a hot choc diva)
While I picked up the tea and coffee he took himself to the correct area, thoroughly scrutinised the shelves before asking in a vexed voice "I don't know Mummy, which do you think was more ethically sourced, the Green & Blacks or the Clipper?"
A small part of me withered and died on the spot grin

headfairy Thu 22-Nov-12 14:45:50

My sister in a slightly hysterical weepy voice "not only am I <insert high powered job title here> but I'm also the managing director of <insert her address here>

Yes love aren't we all, but without the six figure salary to go with it.

"I got water on my Uggs, it was the worst day of my life"

CalamityKate Thu 22-Nov-12 15:15:08

OMG 3b1g that's my son that is!! He's Aspergers too!

ooooh I've thought of another one.

Dsis (about 5 at the time) asked me if I wanted a drink, I told her I might just get some water her response was
"We have sparkling water her too"


"Mummy, Daddy and I are going to play on the lawn"

Aww, love yours TopBanana!

headfairy Thu 22-Nov-12 16:25:18

Just remembered another one. My grandfather was head waiter at The Savoy and one of the perks of his job was to bring home lots of left over food and stuff they couldn't use any more. He often came home with huge sides of smoked salmon and give tons to us so I regularly went to school with smoked salmon sandwiches in my packed lunch, like three or four times a week. People must have thought us ridiculously showy.

It was many years before I realised it was quite expensive. Actually I was a student at uni and living on scraps when I realised it's not usual to eat smoked salmon four times a week. I was roundly mocked by all my mates for being so ungrounded (by then we were pretty well off and I was singled out as the spoilt southerner)

BreastmilkDoesAFabLatte Thu 22-Nov-12 16:29:08

A relative I daren't name: 'No no noooooo get away from those hotdogs! Mummy's just opened you a fresh little tub of pureed avocado...'

When I was a teenager I babysat for the daughter of a very posh family in our village. She was about 10 years old, and when I said it was bedtime she replied 'you can't tell me what to do. You're just a servant'! shock

My DS in a supermarket cafe - "are we having bread and balsamic here?"


BupcakesAndCunting Thu 22-Nov-12 17:08:59

LOL and bread and balsamic and servant grin

Speaking to my class after the summer, a little boy said he just spent it at home.
Later in the conversation, he spoke about snorkelling and swimming in the warm turquoise ocean.
Even in summer that didn't sound right for the north of Scotland so I questioned him.
His reply was, no I was at my summer home in the Bahamas. Said in a tone that was like I had just asked the most ridiculous question ever.
Same child later in year said, "my father could buy and sell you"

littlegirllost29 Thu 22-Nov-12 17:47:37

Overhead in John Lewis 'but their doorknobs are just so disappointing'

BupcakesAndCunting Thu 22-Nov-12 18:06:13

"Same child later in year said, "my father could buy and sell you"

Crying grin

monsterchild Thu 22-Nov-12 18:13:31

I live in a largely mixed heritage area. Many folks here from Latin America and the first Europeans were Spanish. I was giving a clinic in a rural part of the state, and brought Spanish interpreter with me. The manager of the center told her (she is from Mexico) "the Spanish we speak is from Spain!"

As though other Spanish speakers are speaking Spanish from Japan, or something!

happyclapper Thu 22-Nov-12 18:23:04

Had just moved house and were invited to a b-b-q at a neighbours with a few others from the village when the host asked in all seriousness whether anyone would like some ice-cream roulade for pudding. Yes please, only to be served Arctic Roll.

FakeFloydette Thu 22-Nov-12 18:33:24

I have actually name changed as this could be a bit distinctive.

My best mate has many brilliant qualities but sometimes her DM takes over her soul and turns her into something she isn't, really. The latter refers to their family as nouveau pauvre and is always hankering to get back where they came from... [sigh] she is lovely apart from this niggling personality trait.

Anyway - this is one of those times. My best mate had just started seeing someone, who had a stockbroking account but whose day job was totally unrelated. We were out in a group of girls when she was talking about it and someone asked 'What's that?', to which she responded 'He's in shares' - in a very smug voice.

I kept schtum but my bloody sister caught my eye and mouthed it really pretentiously... cue me and my other sister fighting to silence the guffaws.

Oh yeah and giblets reminded me of a pantomine I went to in the Old Vic featuring Sandi Toksvig, who got some random kid (about 7/8 years old) out of the audience and asked her something like 'What do you think Window Twankee is cooking?'.... to which she replied in a dead posh voice 'Pheasant!'.

FakeFloydette Thu 22-Nov-12 18:36:36

My post aside - I am sitting here [shocked] at some of these. Bupcakes and WillSing - yours especially.

FakeFloydette Thu 22-Nov-12 18:37:05

Arse. shock

onetiredmummy Thu 22-Nov-12 18:37:37

My mum could never understand why it went quiet in the inner city Coventry McDonalds, when she asked for a filet o fish & called it a feelay instead of fillet.

I was guilty a few years back of trilling out the following at a coffee shop 'DS1, come & have your babychino'. blush

Weissdorn Thu 22-Nov-12 18:55:39

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sunnywithachanceofshowers Thu 22-Nov-12 18:56:30

I took my 11 year old DN to see a panto.

When Buttons started taking the piss out of xtown for being rich, he shouted out indignantly 'We're not rich! We're middle class!'

frantic51 Thu 22-Nov-12 18:56:46

3b1g bless you! Er... not everyone has a playroom so it's a bit pretentious to presume they do?

3b1g Thu 22-Nov-12 19:01:40

Oh OK. We have a playroom, but not because we're rich or posh. More because the previous owners had converted the garage and because our children share most of their toys. A lot of our friends have playrooms too, all live in normal size semis.

3b1g Thu 22-Nov-12 19:05:52

I thought you were implying she was pretentious for having a playroom.

Mirage Thu 22-Nov-12 19:13:31

I once uttered the words to DH 'Oh no! I've got Weetabix on my Versace!'

In my defence,it was a maternity top I'd borrowed from a friend.I never buy branded stuff.Come to think of it,it probably wasn't Weetabix either,more than likely it was SmartPrice wheat bisks or something.

BOFingSanta Thu 22-Nov-12 19:15:25

I tried having a playroom once, but it just got used as a huge toy cupboard, and the plastic tat and squawking kids still migrated to the livingroom with depressing regularity. It still just gets used as a dumping ground.

stillsmarting Thu 22-Nov-12 19:35:04

Girl over the road to her neighbour, a pupil at the local comp "I feel so sorry for people who can't afford a proper education for their children". The proper education her parents were paying for was at a third division public school and she lived in the smallest house in the road.

OccultGnu Thu 22-Nov-12 19:53:22

Myself and DP were attending what turned out to be a mind numbingly boring party in order to be introduced to our bessie mate's new partner and her friends.

Stuck for conversation as I didn't own a business/inherit money/recline at home whilst DH earned megabucks in the city I asked one person what they did.

"i'm a horse nutritionist" was the reply.

I could think of NOTHING to say to her.

The evening was later enlivened when DH discovered that the red wine he had been hoovering down was actually sloe gin and he was far more drunk than he intended to be.

Strangely we don't see them now.

serin Thu 22-Nov-12 19:59:42

Some people on holiday behind us at a Holkham Hall panto,

So, have you brought the horses down with you this year.....?


Julius is never here anymore, wish we had never bought that vineyard......!


Oh, I met up with Nigella the other day.......hmm

i am sat next to my boss' wife at the works christmas "do" in a posh hotel in that there Londons.

Wife "oh dont you have a lovely accent, its like being in Emmerdale"

I am mancunian....not yorkshire....mancunian....t'other side of the pennines you idiot chinless wonder

me "oh....ha ha ha"


sadsong Thu 22-Nov-12 20:26:08

My lovely nan thought she would try to be hip in 1988 and take me to macdonalds. I was so excited as I had only been once before. The excitement was short lived when she said very loudly, Sooonnnng, go and get the cutlery dear! She just couldn't cope without utensils. After that we went back to alders every time she took me out for lunch. wink

Anna1976 Thu 22-Nov-12 20:26:37

Putyoursockson "Friend is teaching in prep school at the mo. A child said to him "Sir, does 'Lego' have a silent 't', like 'merlot'?"

Howlingly funny, but had he been to Legoland, he may have been told the context that it does actually have a silent apostrophe, a silent g, and a silent dt, so it might not have been completely merlot-centred thought! smile

(it's "leg godt", which I only found out when Legoland opened in the uk... after a lifetime of playing with lego in front of parents who would've definitely had me disingenuously asking the same merlot question to show off, had they known the derivation of lego when I was 5)

Anna1976 Thu 22-Nov-12 20:28:40

crap. TWO silent apostrophes. blush I'm making this worse aren't I grin

iklboo Thu 22-Nov-12 20:31:07

At Gourmet Burger Kitchen the other week a couple probably about my folks' age were queuing in front of us. We were there about 10 minutes. When the waitress came to seat them the woman peered in & said 'I'm sorry. Are you expecting us to go & order our own food?' When the waitress said yes the woman waved her hand dismissively, said 'I don't think so in a very snooty voice & ushered her husband back out. Poor bloke looked like he was really looking forward to a GBK.

HappyAsEyeAm Thu 22-Nov-12 20:33:25

DS aged 4, when we went to the local playground.

Me: Have you found someone to play with DS?
DS: Yes, I've commandeered another little boy ...

Not so much pretentious but really really stupid! wink

I used to work in a large male prison, I was helping out on a parole board hearing. I walked to the gate to collect the very posh, well spoken judge who was going to say yay or nay to the guy wanting the parole.

As we were walking back to the room, we were having a pleasant chit chat and he actually said 'do you live inside here then'! is he for real

I just laughed and said no I have my own house a few miles away! smile

Some people really do live in a different world!

Pixel Thu 22-Nov-12 20:55:54

My godson, aged almost 4, stroked my newborn dd's head and said "Mummy, I'm really impressed with this baby".

drjohnsonscat Thu 22-Nov-12 21:10:35

love artisanal slippers and legot

My best ever example is actually my sister who is not at all a ponce although it sounds like it from the following. Dsis and Dnephew were in a sweetshop. DN was about 7.

DN (looking at the counter): Mummy, what's a slush puppy?
DSis: It's like granita darling.

I have never, ever let her forget it.

Calabria Thu 22-Nov-12 21:24:13

Overheard by my father. Both said by a woman who was on the same legal course that he was.

"My firm are very good. They give me a day off during the week so I don't have to hunt with the hoi polloi from London".

"I thought he was pukka until I found he worked in Beckenham".

theladylovescupcakes Thu 22-Nov-12 21:29:57

Gutted that I've come to the end! I've been having a real snort at some of these. Next!

Auberginestripes Thu 22-Nov-12 21:36:30

I've got one, I've got one!

Years ago we invited v smart army officer and his new girlfriend to supper. Conversation turned to work and I asked her what she did.

"i've just opened a dry cleaners in Virginia Water." (chichi area of Berkshire)

Apparently embarrassed that he was going out with someone in a service industry, her boyfriend leapt into conversation immediately "But Snooky's business has a different formula"

"oh really?" i wittered on "yes, i've noticed that some dry cleaners seem to use stronger chemicals than others"

"oh no" he went on "snooky's shop has a leather sofa in reception"

MikeOxard Thu 22-Nov-12 21:51:55

On a train, vair posh man (even had a top hat)! Train pulled into a busy station, he looked in disgust and said 'My GOD, who ARE all these people?'. His wife/travelling companion was clearly not from the same background and looked really embarrassed.

In response to the sainsbury's one (I know this thread isn't the place for it, but it's funny) I heard this gem bellowed at top volume in tesco: Toddler running around shouting, screaming and knocking stuff over. Mum shouts 'Serenity, Shut Uuuuup' (pronounced without any t sounds). Fantastic.

CheerfulYank Thu 22-Nov-12 21:53:20

I was hanging out with some rich types once and had a silent chuckle about how pretentious they were being about eating pheasant and duck...where I come from (Minnesota) that's poor people's food, 'cause you can "buy" it for the price of a bullet. grin

(And by poor people I mean me, because my freezer always has the pheasant, duck, venison, and walleye DH gets in it!)

Rollergirl1 Thu 22-Nov-12 22:12:11

I'm afraid I've said something really really pretentious once but I was drunk and properly pissed off.

Was at a friends birthday drinks in an expensive "viewing" venue in London. A mate and I popped down from the viewing gallery to the bar below to get a quick drink and a change of scenery. We ordered two cocktails and two shots. I asked for the bill and was presented with a £60 bar bill. When I questioned it with the barman his boss came over and started getting really mardy saying that we should perhaps check the prices before we ordered and that you should expect that from a "bar of this calibre". I was so incensed that I started shouting "a bar of this calibre? I drink at The Sanderson!!"

nbee84 Thu 22-Nov-12 22:18:49

Friends ds started school and went in at lunchtime for his first school meal. After being given his choice he asked "Do we not get a starter?" grin

In friend's defence they had just come back from a holiday where they had eaten out most evenings.

EmmaNemms Thu 22-Nov-12 22:59:40

Can I just confirm, I don't use the word 'thusly' in normal conversation; its a thread about pretentiousness, I was gilding the lily.

Notafoodbabyanymore Thu 22-Nov-12 23:00:07

I have a lovely friend who is wonderful, but will insist on calling her children's school Montessori every single time! Never just plain old school. "I've had such a busy day. Had to drop x off at Montessori, then race around all day, then back to Montessori..." etc.

Yes, we get it, your kids go to Montessori!!!

BrennieGirl Thu 22-Nov-12 23:31:29

I have some. Last week our cat had to have a big operation. When I went to collect him from the vet he was in a bad way. The (very posh and horsey) vet told me to keep him warm and comfortable by keeping him by the aga. I live in a 3 bed semi on a housing estate. The aga.. I wish.

I used to have a very posh ex public schoolboy boss who liked to hunt and shoot. He used to bring his gun dog into work with him and let the dog sit under his desk all day. When I asked him why he liked shooting the poor birdies so much his exasperated reply was "I was brought up shooting on my Grandfather's estate in Scotland." Oh ok then.

Another job I had was at a small private property company. The owers were very wealthy. One Christmas we were all taken first class on eurostar to Paris for a day trip (I know). On the train I was chatting to the owners son (who worked for the company) and asked him what his plans for the day were. He answered "I'm going to the museum of modern art to see Daddy's painting". I replied (with a startled look on my face) "Your father paints?" to which he replied "Oh no, he just has one of his Matisse's on loan to the museum".

howdoo Thu 22-Nov-12 23:51:00

Actually not pretentious as such, but because we now live in the (tiniest house in a very affluent) area in North East USA, I have heard a few corkers:

"So we bought our house in November and I was doing the washing up in March and looked out of the window when the snow had melted, and I said to my husband "Look darling, we have a swimming pool!"


"Yes, we wanted to go to our other house in Florida, but my dog was ill, so we had him put on the private jet a few days later"

Bumblequeen Fri 23-Nov-12 00:05:19

AN ex colleague "My dh and I are aspiring to be middle class!"

Another ex colleague listened to a particular radio station which was more for the 'well to do'. He threw it in literally every conversation - "listening to blah blah this morning, they discussed blah blah. We were all on similar grades but he had this air about him - very annoying.

My dsis can be a little snobby at times. I sometimes feel it is a good thing she in not loaded as it would not bring out the best in her at all. She has a well to do friend and agrees with almost anything she says. Her opinion holds far more weight than anybody else's. If I recommend a restaurant dsis will think nothing of it. If the friend does then it is THE place to be!!! In fact whenever we eat out and dsis friend has eaten there, she feels the need to tell me.

Years ago a 'friend' moved to a new area which was known to be quite rough. Despite me making no comment, she spent five minutes convincing me that her road somehow fell under a different more affluent borough - it did not!!!

Someone privately rented (with government assistance) a beautiful home and told me she took out a mortgage.

I was told by a young girl that her dsis dates a certain type of man, unlike me!

"Yes India is poor, thankfully when we visit we stay in the best hotels".

An acquaintance who lived for designer clothes "Do you know, this is the first time I have seen you in designer wear".

"My dd has nothing but the best. All her friends are so envious of her"

"My ex-boss's dd, with all the condescension of a 6yo: "We're upper class," (like hell were they!) "You work for my dad, does that make you working class?"

frantic51 Fri 23-Nov-12 00:15:18

A radio station for the "well to do"? Which country are you in, Bumble?

Anna1976 Fri 23-Nov-12 00:24:29

frantic - I swear I could turn up as a subject on this thread - I've been told off by colleagues for listening to the Today programme because it was clearly snobbishness on my part rather than just liking it?!!!?!?!!!. Indeed i was told off for it by an english expat who hadn't lived in the UK since the 1970s so these ideas seem to run deep! grinhmm

frantic51 Fri 23-Nov-12 00:31:46

Ooops! Mega fail. blush < whispers, "Me too in that case, Anna."> grin

chipmonkey Fri 23-Nov-12 01:05:06

MIL likes to be posh.
Out in a pub where there was karaoke, I suggested she get up and sing.
"Oh, no, I'd be casting my pearls before swine"
She also tells dh and his siblings not to tell anyone they lived in Birmingham. "Say it was the West Midlands"

One of my colleagues has a really strong Dublin accent. She was trying to explain to a very posh but slightly deaf lady from Dublin 4 ( as someone said upthread the poshest part of Dublin) what lenses she should have in her glasses.
The lady couldn't make out what my colleague was saying and colleague kept raising her voice a little louder each time she tried to explain.
Eventually the old lady turned to her friend and said "It's the diction I don't understand. She must be from the inner city"

Monty27 Fri 23-Nov-12 01:10:31

My dsis runs her guests a bath before they get in her spotless, posh beds. 'Oh ok, I've just run your bath' she says.

Me and family always refuse to have one. (because we probably already had one that day before setting off, and even if we hadn't we wouldn't have one just to make a point etc)

SoulTrain Fri 23-Nov-12 06:17:43

When I used to work in a pub, a girl came to work with us. She was ridiculously posh, daughter of a commodore and had been sent out the door to work for her keep on the back of an extended gap 2 year before university. She was very bohemian, completely clueless about anything relating to money, budgeting, real life...but was utterly, utterly lovely. Classics from her over an 8 week period included:

"I've never seen anyone drink this much apart from at Charity Gala's."

"Damson wine? I think my Mum bought that for our housekeeper last year for Christmas."

And best of all, while showing us pictures of her travels in India:

"The poverty was terribly upsetting, you have no idea. It was a really humbling experience. (Turns the page) This is where my driver lived..."

merlottits Fri 23-Nov-12 06:35:10

When I was a single parent to my DS I started dating a rather rich, public school type. One evening (we hadn't planned to meet) there was a knock on the door and there he was with 4 people behind him.

"Sorry to bother you, my mates have never seen inside a council flat, could they have a look round?"

I was a so flabbergasted I just stepped back and let them. I dumped him but wow that stung at the time...

When I bought my first house - a gorgeous little semi, about 100 years old and in need of a bit of love, I brought my sister to come and see it. She was about 12 at the time. My joined-on neighbours and ones from an end terrace further up the road came to talk to me as we got out of the car and one of then said to her "so, what do you think to your sister's new house?" To which she replied: "it's ok, but it's joined to another. It's not the sort of house I would buy, but at least it's not terraced."
Just so you know - 12 years later and she's living in a semi. Just like me!

FobblyWoof Fri 23-Nov-12 09:15:16

Artisanal slippers, legot and Serenity have had me in tears

FivesAndNorks Fri 23-Nov-12 09:45:18

shock merlotor should that be merlo? grin

Taghain Fri 23-Nov-12 09:59:26

From a very nice lady who is into designer clothes & has a personalised number plate on her Merc.
"Mummy lives near Caerleon in Wales"

which turned out to be an ordinary area of rough industrial Newport, but hey -

SpinningBirdKick Fri 23-Nov-12 10:20:20

Someone I was with in McDonalds (of all places) was buying Chicken McNuggets for her DS.
As she was not sure of the pack sizes which were available- she said (very loudly)....

"What denomination do they come in?"

....Bear in mind this was a very rough area.....
I was cringing behind the serviette dispenser by that point... (and her DS looked mortified)

ProfYaffle Fri 23-Nov-12 10:22:58

A small village near me holds a 'Artisan Fair' every month. I went once thinking it would be something a bit more special than a bog standard craft fair.


Just a craft fair.

NoPinkPlease Fri 23-Nov-12 10:29:28

My friend, who has a ds the same age as mine (my ds has speech delay and so you might think some sensitivity may be knocking around) said: I used to tell my NCT friends all about what 'Dominic' was doing and saying but when I soon realised he was so much further ahead than their children, I can't do it now.

Her ds was 9 months at the time grin, although she still does it now...

Not sure this is pretentious or stupid and insensitive actually...

Mrsjay Fri 23-Nov-12 10:30:37

I once asked on here what Artisan bread was as i saw Artisan bread for sale AT A SERVICE STATION grin

Lilymaid Fri 23-Nov-12 10:37:14

We have an artisan baker in our village - but he doesn't describe himself as such - just advertises the fact that he makes "real bread". Unfortunately it is addictively good!
Heard in Waitrose (posh mother to daughter): "white chocolate fingers are so bad on so many levels" As they were on BOGOF I grabbed two packets from the shelf.

DM still insists on telling everyone and anyone about the time when I, aged 5, was invited to a friend's house for tea. Friend's mum asked me what I wanted to eat, expecting a "fish fingers and chips" kind of response. I replied with:

"blueberry cheesecake and Earl Grey tea please"


NO idea where that came from - we weren't a blueberry cheesecake or earl grey tea family in the slightest!

Lilymaid Fri 23-Nov-12 10:39:40

Just in case you think that pretentious use of "artisan" is new, my mother used to chuckle in the late 1960s when the dilapidated terraced houses in our up market village were renovated and sold as "artisan cottages".

Mrsjay Fri 23-Nov-12 10:40:57

when the dilapidated terraced houses in our up market village were renovated and sold as "artisan cottages".

that is just fab grin

"I got the entire works of Nietszche on my iPad for nothing. Just essential."


"Yeah, I think I've read a couple of his books."

so on and onnn.

19 year olds in uni bar.

And christ my best friend comes out with some crackers, but he has a sense of humour and can be persuaded not to take himself so seriously so I forgive him smile

MrsMangelfanciedPaulRobinson Fri 23-Nov-12 10:53:58

I had a friend at college who simply loved herself and assumed that the whole world loved her too! She had a pair of brown leather knee high boots that were, admittedly, fairly expensive compared to the boots the rest of us had on our student budgets, but boy did we hear about them, how much they cost, where they were from etc etc.

Anyway, one day another girl on our course came in in a pair of boots similar to the ones that the I-Love-Myself girl had, and I-Love-Myself girl sauntered over to her and said 'Your new boots are lovely, oh you've got such good taste, they're just like mine. Well obviously not as expensive as mine, but cheap doesn't have to mean nasty'

She also said to another girl on our course 'I don't think you're very pretty, but I do think you've got a nice personality though so don't worry, it makes up for your looks'

Strangely everyone took these nasty comments from her as she had this weird knack of delivering them in a sweet, sugary, syrupy way, so that it would leave the recipient a bit confused as to whether the comment was nice or awful, until they'd thought about it.

"white chocolate fingers are so bad on so many levels"

Haha! I can only think of about two of these levels before descending into the immature.....

^^ Ahh I have a friend who does this all the time- deliver nasty comments under the guise of being all innocent and words slipping out before she can stop them......she can't quite carry the effect off, I know her far too well, but other people just take it.

She doesn't to me, because I know her game and I've told her clearly....we know too many of each other's tricks.

MrsMangelfanciedPaulRobinson Fri 23-Nov-12 11:03:55

Ah yes quirrelquarrel they get away with it by pretending to be all sweet and innocent and 'whoops me and my big mouth' don't they? The college friend of mine used to say very brutally honest, ie bloody rude comments to people. Very personal things such as commenting on a spot or saying she didn't like their new hair colour, and then would say 'oh sorry that sounded terribly rude didn't it?' in a light airy tone with a smirk on her face.

Alisvolatpropiis Fri 23-Nov-12 11:05:22

MrsMangel I knew a girl like that. But she was blonde and angelic looking,so she got away with it.

I'm afraid I also went through a phase like that blush
I never said nasty things. But things like "I think you could be a model" and then carried on to explain precisely why, which SOUNDS nice, very nice, but is pretty embarrassing for the person involved, and which you just wouldn't say normally- and I knew that it wasn't done, but took advantage of my ditsy, weirdy "ah QQ's a bit different but that's okay" reputation. Also just stuff I was genuinely curious about, but which I knew I shouldn't say in company. If I'm being really honest, this new way people were seeing me was much better than any other I'd had (which was just "bad type weird, steer clear"), so I was trying to keep it up. I recognise that totally in my friend too- she wanted to be seen as someone who just doesn't think, who's completely spontaneous, which is something I think everyone would like to be seen as....
It's a very easy trap to fall into. Quite manipulative in a way too. You grow out of it.....

Jingleflobba Fri 23-Nov-12 11:44:31

We have a playroom but only because it's a parlour house (2 downstairs rooms) and we only have enough sofas for one roomgrin
It triples up as a dining room snd drying room at odd times of the week...
We've only just moved in from a tiny terraced house and DH keeps calling the teeny porch at the back door the Conservatory....

Mirage Fri 23-Nov-12 11:48:03

It's funny,horse nutrition,hunting,eating game is run of the mill around here.I could cope easily with that.It is when folks start going on about skiing,designer clothes,jewellery,cars,perfume,make up ect that I go blank.I know nothing of those things.

When DD1 was about 4,she was taken to a party by a friend.I'd dutifully ticked the boxes of what she'd like to eat and thought nothing of it.When my friend dropped her off,she looked a bit embarrassed and said to me 'We gave DD1 her food and she didn't know what a chicken nugget was'.blush.It hadn't occured to me that she'd never eaten one before.She has made up for it now though.grin

Another vote for legowith a silent 't' grin

frantic51 Fri 23-Nov-12 12:28:27

Jingleflobba That's exactly what we had at the time of my meeting with posh mummy, mainly because we only had 1DC and she was only 8 months old so not really needing a, "playroom" as such. Thing was, she only had one DC aged 10 months at the time too! But she still had a huge dedicated playroom, even though her DD was too young to be left in it to play alone, as I discovered when I was favoured with an invitation to tea! grin

ClippedPhoenix Fri 23-Nov-12 12:34:02

Round a friends once who's husband had been caught out cheating "again". He's got his own solicitors offices and they're minted. I said isn't it time you carried through with the divorce this time, she said the maintenance won't nearly be enough as I like to feed my boys prime steak a couple of times a week.

TessTing123 Fri 23-Nov-12 13:32:55

This is a real Know Your Place thread.

Don't speak foreign.
Don't encourage your children to eat good food.
And Definitely don't ever show interest or knowledge of anything.

I once referred to a dessert I had in a Michelin star restaurant as a 'deconstructed twix' to my b & sil. I think I had been watching too much masterchef, what a twat.

Alisvolatpropiis Fri 23-Nov-12 13:53:40


There is a difference between showing interest in things,eating good food etc and being a first class berk who says things that are either stealth boasting or belittling.

Have you spotted something you've said on here? grin

SalopianGirl Fri 23-Nov-12 14:00:38

My DSis was having a coffee in a posh hotel in Prestbury when she overheard 2 elderly ladies having a conversation about "appalling drivers". She expected to hear them talk about those feckless types who don't use their indicators and tailgating.No, the "appalling drivers" they were chatting about were their own chauffeurs!

NicknameTaken Fri 23-Nov-12 14:16:00

At an event run by a homeless charity in Ireland, I started chatting to a guy who was living on the streets in an Irish city.

Me [chattily]: Oh, you're English. I was born there myself. In Luton.

Him [kindly]: Best not tell people that.

So there you have it. Luton is officially so declasse that homeless people spurn it.

Ha i've just thought of another one, which must have sounded highly "up my own arse" at the time.

I was buying something in a store in London, and my UK debit card wouldn't go through, probably because I didn't have enough money on it, and I don't use it very often so it gets blocked.

Half embarrassed about the card decline I said to the snotty shop assistant, "don't worry, I'll use the one from my Swiss account..."

Then I realised what it sounded like.

<<I live in Switzerland and have a bog standard bank account with a small amount of money in it. >>

At a dinner party with some really boring people who went on about skiing....and I am the world's biggest ski bore...

Him: We have just come back from Lake Tahoe
Me: Was it good?
Him: Oh it is the only place to ski.
Me: Really? I must go one day, but to be honest Europe's got a lot to offer.
Him: Oh no, America is soooooo much better.
Me: Have you done much in Europe then?

to cut a long story short, he'd spent a week skiing which happened to be in Lake Tahoe. I had done a season, skiied for the Navy and knew my European skiing. What a twat.

Thought of another one...

I was trying (in vain) to get on the right side of my boss and invited him and his annoying children round for coffee / playdate once.

They pitched up and were pretty dreadful - didn't get on with our boys (who get on with anyone) didn't like lego etc.

Following exchange between his 8yo and my 7yo DS

His DD "I have got an IPAD2"
DS1 (greeen) "Oh. Is it Wifi or 3G"
Her (confused) "Err 3D"
DS1 (distainful) "I don't suppose you know what I am talking about."

Half of me was appalled at his attitude, other half very proud. On reflection, he is probably a better judge of character than I am. Boss turned out to be a lazy useless individual....and I no longer work for him.

helpyourself Fri 23-Nov-12 14:53:29

Nicknametaken grin
4yo DS at the ballet rushing back to his seat after the interval. Clapping in a 'call to attention' manner and shouting 'vite vite! Maman'.
We weren't in France and we're not French. blush

blondiep14 Fri 23-Nov-12 14:54:06

On the birth of our DC3 someone DH knows via work said it was great people like us were having children hmm

LittleBairn Fri 23-Nov-12 15:17:10

I was having lunch with a group of nanny friends with our charges.

Nanny friend 1: I've made sausage, mash and veggies for the kids.
Nanny friend 2: sorry I've had to bring lunch for minty her mum doesn't allow her to eat any meat that isn't wild game... Dont worry have some rabbit stew for her.
Little Minty was about 10 months old.

ArielThePiraticalMermaid Fri 23-Nov-12 15:24:10

My sister's friend is widely considered to have married beneath her grin

At one of her husband's family get togethers, her little 3-year old ran up to her and said "Mummy, may I have an olive?" Apparently there was an incredulous silence.

Mrsjay Fri 23-Nov-12 15:25:57

tess i think you have missed the whole point of the thread it seems lost on you ,

Mrsjay Fri 23-Nov-12 15:27:17

her mum doesn't allow her to eat any meat that isn't wild game... Dont worry have some rabbit stew for her.

<snort> I watched a programme a posh chef was telling us what to do with left over venison

MrsMangelfanciedPaulRobinson Fri 23-Nov-12 15:48:47

One thing I always find a bit pretentious is the use of the phrase 'mummy friends'

Someone on another forum was once saying how they had lots of 'mummy friends' but that they were just for daytime and she wouldn't dream of socialising with them in the evening.

ClippedPhoenix Fri 23-Nov-12 15:58:12

People who use the word "Eclectic" tend to get on my nerves too.

MrsMangelfanciedPaulRobinson Fri 23-Nov-12 16:11:22

Urgh yes ClippedPhoenix. I also don't like the word 'sourced'.

Mrsjay Fri 23-Nov-12 17:12:32

I hate the words sourced and locally hmm and I don't like when people are talking about food and say foods It really grates on me

Mrsjay Fri 23-Nov-12 17:13:27

and yes to mummy friends my mummy friends this I love my mummy friends please mummies they are just friends grin

TessTing123 Fri 23-Nov-12 17:48:42

No I don't think I missed the point of the thread MrsJay. Artisanal slippers are Hilariously pretentious and I laughed at the OP. I just found much of the thread following the OP quite snippy reverse snobbery. Explaining nicely why you're not buying cartoon branded spaghetti hoops is not comically pretentious is it?

Anyway. Shall stop pissing on your parade. As you were.

SleepyLittleSunshineGirl Fri 23-Nov-12 20:42:23

I drifted away from a school friend after these 2 phrases left her mouth:

'oh, houses are dirt cheap here, me and (her hubby) could buy three!' (she lives in a crap part of London. I live in the sticks and boy did she like to remind me at every opportunity)

'x is working the house, restoring the wooden sash windows. He's strong as an ox and does the work of 10 men every day. Getting a master craftsman in is so important. Much better than all that cheapo UPVC rubbish people put in in their Barrat boxes' (yes, we were having new double-glazing installed in our dirt-cheap Barrat box hmm

discrete Fri 23-Nov-12 21:17:49

Ds1 when he was about 3 years old:

Me: Let's get some cheese (at the cheese counter in a supermarket)
DS1: Mummy, what is cheese?
Me: (Pointing at counter) This is cheese!
DS1: Which one?
Me: All of them.
Ds1: No, mummy. That is parmesan, that is ossau iraty, that is Brillat Savarin....which one is cheese?
Me: blush

Wallace Fri 23-Nov-12 22:03:18

That really made me grin

Whojamaflip Sat 24-Nov-12 17:09:46

My darling ds really made in blush in Morrisons tonight - 8 packs of croissants on offer - asked ds to put some in the trolley so off he went and came back with their finest in store bakery ones. I said no and pointed him in the direction of the ones I wanted.

In the most horrified voice he states " But they aren't proper ones mummy!" confused

singaporefling Sat 24-Nov-12 17:17:57

At a friends house for dinner recently...raaather posh (up own arse) couple started retelling THE lengthiest story about not paying their restaurant bill in some haute cuisine french place...and how they couldnt get their huge merc out of the drive quickly enough etc etc... And a few minutes later the wife started talking about 'that recession thingy' !!

Euphemia Sat 24-Nov-12 17:21:10

DD (10) to DH today: "My teacher was in a really bad mood this week." "Why?" asked DH. "Because people aren't using enough metaphors and similes in their writing."


Wow eating wild game at 11 months. shock

Hope it was professionally cleaned of shot, or they checked that it wasn't killed by lead shot.

Or perhaps that's why eccentricity runs in the family - lead poisoning?

LittleBairn Sat 24-Nov-12 17:31:44

grin probably the lead, they were very much fox hunter types so I could see them traipsing around the countryside each weekend hunting for their PFBs weekly dinners. Or driving up country lanes looking for road kill....

I bet they "blooded" the first born with the kill too....

AViewfromtheFridge Sat 24-Nov-12 18:00:24

From the same year 9 girl in a meeting about a school trip:

"How on earth am I going to function without my morning Macchiato?"

"Shoes for walking? Can I bring my Dubarries?"

topbannana Sat 24-Nov-12 19:18:35

<glances around anxiously> I hope none of you lot were in our local country store this afternoon (half of Dorset seemed to be!)
DH and I were looking at clothes much to DS's disgust and I stumbled across a pair of store brand jeans. They looked OK, were the correct measurements and crucially were only £10 so off I trotted to the changing rooms.
At this point I should point out that my slightly odd shape coupled with my intense dislike of shopping means I only buy Levis jeans as I know they will fit and last, therefore making them worth the money.
I tried the jeans on, found them not suited to my odd shape and left the changing room. DH raised his eyebrows to indicate interest in if they had fitted, to which I in an unfeasibly loud voice said "Oh no, they were no good. And do you realise, that is the first pair of cheap jeans I have ever worn?" (this is not strictly true which makes it even worse as my pretentiousness WAS A LIE grin)
In the name of all that is holy, why would I say something like that? I may never show my face in there again grin

CheerfulYank Sat 24-Nov-12 20:06:44

We all eat wild game from the time we eat solids...but again, 'cause we're rednecks and shoot our own food. grin

But at least I'll have something to be pretentious about if I ever need to. "Ah yes, Daddy shoots pheasants on our estate..."

CheerfulYank Sat 24-Nov-12 20:09:43

Wait...how much land constitutes an estate? Maybe my parents have actually got one! shock

JoInScotland Sat 24-Nov-12 20:13:08

I like pointy slippers! But "artisanal slippers" was a step too far, yes.

A few years ago, there was a topic of "What do you do when you're not quilting" on the quilting newsgroup I read. Most just put "gardening", "cycling", whatever, but my favourite was the woman who posted "I have to admit, astrophysics is just a hobby for me, now that I have children..."

Sometimes I try to drop that into conversations. It's too good not to use.

LittleBairn Sat 24-Nov-12 20:17:02

cheerful it was much more off " we need to go to daddies estate to catch some dinner..." rather than taking responsibilty for catching your own food. grin TBF I think they were very well meaning in an eccentric way.

SisyphusDad Sat 24-Nov-12 20:36:31

Email from oldest DS's rugby club coordinator: "no practice today because the pitches are waterlogged and it's pouring with rain."

Response (copied to everyone) from S.O. Meone: "My son's still up for practice session."

aroomofherown Sat 24-Nov-12 21:08:28

My sister is always adding in the brand name too. And she once said, "I aways get VIP treatment these days: I wonder what it's like for people who have to queue for things"

Bless her. I love her anyway.

thixotropic Sat 24-Nov-12 21:13:41

I'm amused at people seeing eating game as posh.

I'm rural working class (probably) if you have gamekeeper / estate worker mates then free game that the wannbe posh folk shot, but cant dress / darent eat is a good winter staple round here.

I can get free meat from November through till April in a good year

ArielThePiraticalMermaid Sat 24-Nov-12 21:17:49

Well obviously they're not talking about game like that are they?

Skang Sat 24-Nov-12 21:21:15

"Most of my stuff is deadpan" - My husband the accountant discussing his comedic genius.

CheerfulYank Sat 24-Nov-12 21:24:00

I know Thix. When I went to visit my uncle in Manhattan a friend of his was talking loudly so others could hear about a dinner party with "wild duck and pheasant" etc, etc...which is what we eat all the time. Either shot or hit with the truck. grin

It's just interesting, the cultural differences. smile

egusta Sat 24-Nov-12 21:27:12

I don't really understand that Occult. The horse nutritionist was just telling you her job!

Love the little boy saying he was impressed with the baby., Reminds me of when we saw a very little boy- 5-6 perhaps holding on tightly to the lead of a little dog. I said to him 'what a lovely dog you have!' and he replied in a very serious and intense tone 'Yes. We are delighted with him'.

It was really sweet!

helpyourself Sat 24-Nov-12 21:29:47

"Most of my stuff is deadpan" - My husband the accountant discussing his comedic genius.
Skanggrin there's a novel in that post, or a sitcom. Or a really sad short story.

thixotropic Sat 24-Nov-12 21:31:42

Exactly cheerful

Natures free larder rather than an expensive upper class hobby.

In a particularly skint year it was the oly meat we ate.

FivesAndNorks Sat 24-Nov-12 22:05:25

We have land...well you can walk all round our house, as long as it's single file. That counts, surely?

Mirage Sat 24-Nov-12 22:20:08

Mine ate game from being babies too.You can make a good spaghetti bolognaise from woodpigeon.Quite often we have a 'guess what meat this is' dinner.

Cheerful our local hunt regards 200 acres and under are farmers,over 200 are landowners.

BluelightsAndSirens Sat 24-Nov-12 22:21:41

Brilliant thread nothing to add

Fozzleyplum Sat 24-Nov-12 23:29:00

I agree with the posts about eating game. We eat pheasant, grouse and quail regularly in season because it's really plentiful and cheap where we live (lots of farmers/shoots), and more interesting than chicken. I can never understand why so many people think it's pretentious/"posh" to eat it.

ArielThePiraticalMermaid Sat 24-Nov-12 23:33:51

Because lots of people live in towns and cities where farmers and shoots aren't quite so plentiful, perchance?

I myself eat nothing but roast polar bear and steamed Greenland halibut. Doesn't everyone? Why, tis common down our way.

Fozzleyplum Sun 25-Nov-12 00:10:43

Ah, if it ain't local, it's posh. By that token, Maccy D's ought to be considered exotic out in the sticks wink

ArielThePiraticalMermaid Sun 25-Nov-12 00:31:05

That's right. But not as much as Burger King.

CheerfulYank Sun 25-Nov-12 06:20:09

Mirage my parents only have 20, so I suppose we are as common as I always suspected. grin They don't farm it though, it's forest.

ILovePonyo Sun 25-Nov-12 08:11:08

I've always thought of eating game as posh, and I'd definitely think someone was posh if they were feeding their baby pheasant puree or similar!

So I have learnt something from this thread grin

I don't think I've ever eaten game though.

3b1g Sun 25-Nov-12 08:22:12

I heard some comedian saying that what you would do if you saw a fox can be a guide to your socioeconomic standing.
If you are upper class, you would call to hounds or whatever the correct expression is.
If you are middle class, you would get your children to draw a picture of it and send it off to Blue Peter.
If you are rural working class, you would shoot it and make it into soup.

Ginandtonicandamassageplease Sun 25-Nov-12 08:37:01

Boy in my college at uni thought he was the king of the twats

My friend: "My parents come from (insert name of city).
Boy: Oh I'm so sorry, that must be terrible for you.

Same boy: "When my mother went to finishing school in Switzerland..."

Same boy: " Did you know that some people's mothers work full time?"

And finally: " Some students have a job as well! How sweet!"

He featured a few years later on Ladette to Lady as one of the eligible bachelors! You get the idea ...

louisianablue2000 Sun 25-Nov-12 08:39:39

A work colleague when asked about their DC's unusual middle name said 'Everyone in the family is given an Iron Age Hill Fort as a middle name'.

Wallace Sun 25-Nov-12 09:22:25

"Everyone in the family is given an Iron Age Hill Fort as a middle name"

How I wish I'd though of that - could have started a family tradition!

LittleBairn Sun 25-Nov-12 10:20:44

Up until recently I lived in the countryside so very used to rural ways. But it's pretentious to insist your child ONLY eats game when you live in central London.

'I watched a programme a posh chef was telling us what to do with left over venison'

No you didn't, that is a very old Billy Connolly joke.

MoanerLeesa Sun 25-Nov-12 11:33:10

Many years ago I completed a work experience placement at a local primary school and one afternoon I was sat in a Year Two class where the teacher was reading a book about dinosaurs.

At one point the teacher said, "There were two diplodocuses..." To which a rather precocious but undoubtedly very bright six year old piped up and said, "May I suggest the correct term in the plural would actually be diplodoci?"

This would be the same child who, when asked to write a few sentences about what he had done at the weekend, came out with this little gem: 'Daddy and I had an enjoyable discussion about the history of the Anglican Communion.' grin

I have heard some pretentious lines over the years but that little boy takes some beating!

3b1g Sun 25-Nov-12 12:30:09

'May I suggest the correct term in the plural would be...' DS2 says this sort of thing all the time. blush.

discrete Sun 25-Nov-12 20:41:55

Ds1 came out with a corker this evening. He was laying the fire and said 'I have brought a variety of offerings with which to feed the fire.' hmm

TheAccidentalExhibitionist Sun 25-Nov-12 20:46:46

Parent said about her DD 'oh she was born with bells on, she's simply so talented' hmm

discrete I am, for some reason, imagining your DS in a neck ruffle and buckle shoes.....

hellsbells76 Sun 25-Nov-12 20:50:29

A dear friend at uni (who would be the first to admit he was a bit of a ponce) - I can't remember what we were watching but it was totally incomprehensible and I said 'nah, don't get it' to which he replied 'yes, it is rather outside of our frame of cultural reference'.

Portofino Sun 25-Nov-12 20:51:41

To me though - pretentious is not just being educated and correct.

discrete Sun 25-Nov-12 20:52:01

PMSL at that image, we have enough trouble getting him to put on a sweater the right way round! He is a right scruff...

the pretentiousness comes from his father not me

Portofino Sun 25-Nov-12 20:52:29

The correct word for knowing it is diplidocii is precocious - not pretentious.

Portofino Sun 25-Nov-12 20:53:28

If you are 5 - otherwise it not worthy or note.

bowerbird Sun 25-Nov-12 20:55:56

"Is this the same salami we had in Firenze?"

DeWe Sun 25-Nov-12 21:09:00

BIL: "We can't get a baby sitter because everyone round us is working class so they won't babysit for anyone other than family." hmm

Can't imagine why people don't want to babysit for them, can you?

BreastmilkDoesAFabLatte Sun 25-Nov-12 21:16:45

Recently heard: "The bus stops just 100 yards down the avenue. Of course, if we were in Paris there would be an RER stop outside the door. Those are my standards, you see. It's why I pop over the channel most weekends for the theatre, you know..."

pamplemousse Sun 25-Nov-12 21:31:29

When I was 5 I went to school and was asked what my favourite music was.
I said Rachmaninov.
My mum is proud of this fact and repeats it often hmm

pamplemousse Sun 25-Nov-12 21:33:20

Also in a pilates class a woman asked 'does anyone know whether one wears a hat to the races in Paris? Anyone?'

egusta Sun 25-Nov-12 21:40:57

Oh, I apparently when i was about 11 I was in a class when the teacher said that the only word that has no other rhyming word was 'orange'.

I piped up with 'what about blanc mange?'

I do not speak french, have never spoken french, but was very into Enid Blyton and the Magic Faraway Tree.

You have to understand - i am Australian, and was in Australia at the time.

My parents were apologising it at parent teacher evenings for years.

hellsbells76 Sun 25-Nov-12 21:42:57

My friend's 3 year old DD comes out with some corkers. 'Mummy! That bottle is the exact colour of my mange tout!'

PimpMyHippo Sun 25-Nov-12 21:49:19

I'm sure Enid Blyton is responsible for a lot of apparently precocious/pretentious children! The best is when you read something but haven't heard it spoken, so you end up mispronouncing it and sounding pretentious and thick... blush

egusta Sun 25-Nov-12 21:52:27

I said 'Izz- land' for Island for years! and i pronounced 'Penelope' as 'Penny-lope'.

that was Enid Blyton too.

Euphemia Sun 25-Nov-12 21:56:42

Another Enid Blyton one - I thought Toni's name was An-toni-ette. Why shorten it to Toni otherwise? angry

Oh and when people were described as "terribly pi" I thought it was pronounced "pee". blush

TheOriginalSteamingNit Sun 25-Nov-12 21:56:59

Would it actually be diplodoci though? Or is that another common error like octopi?

AViewfromtheFridge Sun 25-Nov-12 22:02:09

Yet another Enid Blyton one - I thought Alicia from Mallory Towers was pronounced Alice-EE-a. I thought it was a lovely name.

I mispronounce words I've only ever seen written down all the time. The worst thing is that I'm a teacher, so I'm probably passing them on, too!

BreastmilkDoesAFabLatte Sun 25-Nov-12 22:04:02

"I thought Alicia from Mallory Towers was pronounced Alice-EE-a. I thought it was a lovely name."

Me too! For years and years...

DisappointedHorse Sun 25-Nov-12 22:07:03

DS at 3 once said, while playing with a didgeridoo at a friend's house, "My, it's just like a French horn" I have no idea where that came from!

I offered my nephew some ice cream when BiL was visiting one day. It was refused. The reason? "Jack only appreciates quality".

Euphemia Sun 25-Nov-12 22:07:23

I think I tried to make it Italian, as our French teacher was teaching us Italian at the time I was reading these. So it was something like A-LEE-chee-ah. grin

ArielThePiraticalMermaid Sun 25-Nov-12 22:10:19

I love these Enid Blyton ones!

Don't ask how I thought conceited was pronounced.

MrsDeVere Sun 25-Nov-12 22:20:32

I had no idea how to pronounce Gwendoline
Didn't meet many Gwendolines in 70's norf london grin

JethroTull Sun 25-Nov-12 22:22:57

Ariel how did you think conceited was pronounced?

MrsDeVere Sun 25-Nov-12 22:23:24

Was anyone else thoroughly confused when Mademoiselle kept breaking into French?

I think she would say something in French and then in English afterwards but I didn't make the connection.

JethroTull Sun 25-Nov-12 22:27:03

My husband's dull friend on buying his new house ...... 'The annoying thing about having a big house is that if you're in the kitchen & the doorbell rings it takes at least 10 minutes to get there to answer it'

My husbands response - 'didn't realise you'd bought Chatsworth'

(They'd bought a lovely house but it was in no way a stately home)

GreenyEyes Sun 25-Nov-12 22:39:36

Yet another Enid Blyton one - I thought Alicia from Mallory Towers was pronounced Alice-EE-a. I thought it was a lovely name

Me too. Have we had this conversation on here before? Lots of people saying "well it can be pronounced like that"

but they meant 'aLEEsee-ah' not 'alice- EE- a'


ArielThePiraticalMermaid Sun 25-Nov-12 22:51:47

Jethro, I don't know really. Something like konketid?

BOFingSanta Sun 25-Nov-12 22:53:43

Another Blyton dick moment here too- I thought Daphne was pronounced Daffen. I loved it too.

ArielThePiraticalMermaid Sun 25-Nov-12 22:57:13

It was the twins of St Clare's who were konketid, if I recall.

GreenyEyes Sun 25-Nov-12 22:59:07

grin @ konketid

WinklyVersusTheZombies Sun 25-Nov-12 23:01:23

Yes, but only for one book the they were perfect, IIRC

ArielThePiraticalMermaid Sun 25-Nov-12 23:07:12

Maybe something more like konkuhtid. Weird child.

fridgepants Sun 25-Nov-12 23:39:30

TBf I didn't know 'grissini' was called anything else until about five years ago, as that's what was written on the box they came in as a kid.

Ex-housemate used to work on reception at our former university's nursing faculty. 'And some of the girls that come in, they're working-class, so they're not very bright...' I looked up hoping to see a raised eyebrow. And there was none.

When a student:
Me: 'Oh, what was your exam on?'
Friend of friend: The Great American Novel.
Me: Oh right, okay, is that stuff like Fitzgerald and Hemingway?
FoF: No, yoooou wouldn't have heard of it, it's books like White Noise.

I'd just returned my non-exam, read-for-fun copy of White Noise to the uni library.

fridgepants Sun 25-Nov-12 23:50:06

I used to say things like 'whilst' and 'hence' as a child - I learned to read very early, and used to devour Enid Blyton, and as I was taking an interest in news and reading my mum's paper, 1980s MN would have had someone overhearing my mum explaining Communism to me on the bus...'you can't say 'I don't like the Queen, she's stinky''

I do, however, remember being told I was not allowed to order 'a Perrier water' in a chippy in Skipton at 7. I didn't like pop, but ended up drinking it all the time because that's what people thought kids wanted to drink, and 'mineral water' was a new thing and I was pleased to find something that was a bit like pop but tasted like water. I think my dad didn't want pretentious kids...

fridgepants Mon 26-Nov-12 00:00:42

When I was 16 I was dating a boy whose parents were very wealthy - neither of them worked any more (one has now moved to a place where people tend to move mainly to avoid tax). He had a ten year old sister, and in the grounds of their house was a 'wendy house' that wasn't much smaller than my actual house. She said 'it would be perfect if we could just install a minibar.'

fridgepants Mon 26-Nov-12 00:02:10

Same girl was told, in an attempt to get her to eat her chips, 'But they're cooked in olive oil! They're gourmet!'

I still get 'newsletters' e-mailed to me from the family each Christmas.

fridgepants Mon 26-Nov-12 00:04:25

Oh, and when they had to decorate the 6yr old DS's room, they hired...an interior designer.

They also had a robot dog - a £2000 Sony AIBO - because 'real dogs die' and 'my dad loves toys'.

CheerfulYank Mon 26-Nov-12 02:03:17

They sound hilarious fridgepants! grin

fridgepants Mon 26-Nov-12 10:21:44

In hindsight they were, but I was from quite a different background and it was a bit intimidating. His DM (he lived with dad and step-mum) was an actual snob rather than just amusingly pretentious, though, which was very uncomfortable.

I went for dinner at my best friend's house when we were pre-teen-ish. She had made butternut, and I announced loudly that I didn't eat butternut because it's uncivilised! No idea where that came from but once poor BF's mum got over the initial insult to her cooking, they mocked me about it mercilessly for years!

BegoniaBampot Tue 27-Nov-12 00:20:31

Was more the tone an delivery. husband had taken me to a very small intimate restaurant for a romantic meal. it was lovely, big roaring fire and only one other table occupied. Some woman just kept braying about her time in KEEEEENYA! it was KEEEENYA this and KEEEEEENYA that. Had to look twice as I thought it sounded like Patsy out of Abfab.

OhlimpPricks Tue 27-Nov-12 05:55:07

My brother in law is so insecure, he will come out with pretentious shit all the time. We will be at dinner and he come out with Gems like :

I was laying in bed this morning, thinking with all my properties ( a place in Surrey, a place in Portugal, and a holiday place in Cornwall) I now own SEVENTEEN toilets .
As DH said later, you can only use one for your mouth, and one for your arse.

Yes, you may own three places, but they are all as bland as hell, and you still join the easyjet scrum like everyone else, because you're too tight to fly BA.

FellatioNelson Tue 27-Nov-12 06:22:07

At least she said 'artisanal' right. I have twice in 24 hours had to listen to my mother talking about 'artisians.' hmm

FellatioNelson Tue 27-Nov-12 06:40:05

Some of these are truly hilarious, but honestly some of them....hmmm. If you get think you will be judged for being pretentious just because your children eats croissants and like olives then you must have led very, very sheltered lives indeed. Forrin food isn't new you know. It's been around in the IUK for oooh, about 40 years now. wink

gallifrey Tue 27-Nov-12 10:52:05

My stepdad is very pretentious, he has one of those big Gucci belts with a massive G as the buckle, the same as Del Boy had when they finally became millionaires!

Euphemia Tue 27-Nov-12 11:02:50

Fellatio I think that until the current generation of grandparents, raised on Spam and excited by things like instant mash, passes on, things like olives and croissants will continue to be seen as exotic. smile

MIL is still shocked that DD likes vegetables! grin MIL rarely allows a vegetable to pass her own lips, unless it is a potato of the chipped variety.

saccrofolium Fri 30-Nov-12 09:20:09

Have howled laughing at these!
I recently met up with an old school friend, who has always been a bit fruity somehow. Anyway she revealed that she makes her 3 year old call her "mama" rather than plain old mummy ("and never just mum") as "it's more European and we love our French holidays."
J'ai un bit de vomit dans ma bouche...

kiwigirl42 Fri 30-Nov-12 09:24:29

My DS, 12, has always called me Mama even though its something we've never taught him (always Mum in our families). Sometimes I do think it sounds a bit weird but LOVE being the Mama!

MrsDeVere Fri 30-Nov-12 09:58:34

My DM announced 'she shall call me Garnie' when I had dd
'she shall'?

Yeah, alright Nan hmm

BegoniaBampot Fri 30-Nov-12 10:05:38

Kiwigirl - same here, my son has called me mama since a baby. No idea why, his older brother never did. Love it too but he's reverted to mum now he is older. I miss him shouting mama!

kerstina Fri 30-Nov-12 10:20:43

I can only remember my own pretentious comments. When I was in my late teens I cut down my hours at work and went to art college part-time to study A level art and history of art. I told the art teacher I did not want to sit the actual exam as I did not want someone putting a grade on my work ![embarrassed] I think I was just scared of failing!
It just sounds so pretentious and I cringe now and needless to say really regret not sitting the exam. It did improve my art though so was definitely worth doing. I would just love to be able to say I have A level Art now I am older.
Still pretentious grin

fridgepants Fri 30-Nov-12 11:31:01

"If you get think you will be judged for being pretentious just because your children eats croissants and like olives then you must have led very, very sheltered lives indeed"

Depends where you live. I grew up somewhere that's only just got sushi and where Caesar salad is viewed with suspicion...

HalloweenNameChange Fri 30-Nov-12 16:26:27

I think assuming that everyone else around you is feeding their babies chicken nuggets and greggs sausage rolls while your kids eat proper foods is pretentious. Olives croissants, hummus, sushi it's all just food. If you feed it to your kids of course they will eat it. Children aren't some how designed to only eat nuggets.

QueenStromba Thu 06-Dec-12 18:16:30

With the risk of sounding pretentious, the plural of diplodocus is diplodocuses because it has Greek roots rather than Latin, this is also why octopus and platypus don't have an "i" form plural. The interesting case is "virus" which is the Latin word for poison - it doesn't have an "i" plural because the original usage was a non pluralisable concept.

TheOriginalSteamingNit Thu 06-Dec-12 19:57:33

Octopuses or Octopodes?

clam Thu 06-Dec-12 20:29:47

Ohlimpricks you might want to pass on to your bil that it is not "laying" in bed and most certainly not "toilets."

QueenStromba Thu 06-Dec-12 20:51:06

Octopodes is the highly pretentious pluralisation.

upstart68 Thu 06-Dec-12 20:58:52

When my dd was 3 she went through quite a long phase of calling me and dh by our first names. It wasn't something we encouraged at all - she just started doing it. I think we were laughed at quite a bit for it.

upstart68 Thu 06-Dec-12 21:04:20

Ooh just thought of another one.

My dh had some friends when we lived in London. They lived in a flat. When we went for dinner once they produced a typed wine list of all the bottles of wine they had and passed it to dh to choose one.

FuriousRox Thu 06-Dec-12 21:15:33

Nephew, aged about six, was introduced to the bishop of Oxford (his family moves in different circles to mine!). Looked bishop up and down and declared, "you can only move diagonally."

deste Thu 06-Dec-12 21:15:46

Dd's friend was teaching a drama class when one of the girls came in with a bandage on her finger. She said oh dear what have you done, her answer, my pony bit my finger.

missoldPPIlongstocking Thu 06-Dec-12 21:20:35

Overheard in a Winchester cafe:

Little boy of about 7yo: "what are we doing this weekend mummy?"
Vair posh Mum: "we're going to stay at Justin's house in London darling...Oh don't look so sad you love Justin's house - he has such lovely furniture! And daddy is flying in from Zurich!"

My mate turned to me and said "I have no idea why you think Winchester is posh" smile

xlatia Thu 06-Dec-12 21:43:15

mum of one DC: "so we'll be moving from our (3 bed) flat to a house. the flat is nice for a couple but how could 3 people possibly live there?"

they're now living in a 5 bed house with 2 adults and a toddler, who will never ever have a sibling if mum gets her way. she will be shock to learn that DP and i purchased a 2 bed flat AND we'll be having DC2 soon. someone call SS!

MerryKissMyArse Fri 07-Dec-12 05:03:09

My God upstart that is hilarious! That is truly pretentious, unlike many of the posts on this thread which seem to be more about inverted snobbery or just plain jealousy.

BlackBagFestiveBorderBinLiner Fri 07-Dec-12 09:19:58

On learning that the first grandchild was on the way, MIL excitedly produced this poem which I read and forgot.

The subject was returned to several times till finally I realised she want to be know as 'Groin-Murder.'

As a child DH from Gosport, Hampshire had been instructed to call his GPs from Hertfordshire using the Welsh GP names so she'd researched her own unique moniker in advance.

Creative, pretentious or just up her own arse?

She hated it when I refered to her as Grandma (I figured that was a step in the right direction) so after a nameless period as 'Daddy's mummy' she's settled on Granny.

HECTheHallsWithRowsAndFolly Fri 07-Dec-12 09:30:37


When I was about seven, I asked my mum if the back door was the same as "the tradesmen's entrance". She laughed a lot. In my defence, I did read a lot of Enid Blyton.

erm. She may not have been laughing for the reason you think she was...

upstart68 Fri 07-Dec-12 20:29:08

Merry - yes I'd not been going out with dh long at the time and found it all a bit odd. I think they had it in a little cardboard folder with some gold string binding it.

It's actually worth repeating to see if your guests can keep a straight face, isn't it.

Elfontheshelfiswatchingyou Fri 07-Dec-12 21:29:59

bunnybing I have an awful feeling that might have been me with the tinned pasta shapes. ;)

TallyBear Tue 11-Dec-12 11:59:54

Nickname <whispers quietly> I was born in Luton too. I made sure DS was born somewhere 'nice' to go on his driving licence (everyone has a bit of snob in them somewhere!)

I went to a bog standard comp and a group of us went to a local posh girls boarding school for some reason which now escapes me (hockey match maybe?). We were waiting in a classroom and noticed that there was some graffiti on a desk: 'Marianne is a pain'! Different class of insult there!

deste Tue 11-Dec-12 19:55:43

We were brought up on a council estate so our church was there but we moved to another council estate but next to a very nice area. When DH and I decided to get married I wasn't allowed to go back you "our" church I had to go to the church in the nice area. It is actually our church now as we moved to the nice area anyway. I got a bollocking for putting down on the forms for getting married that my father was a hairdresser, my mother said he was a master hairdresser and omitting that word was a sin. The thing is he did a six month course for unemployed people. My mother was a terrible snob.

bialy & mrs dv I snorted so loudly at your posts ( mrs dv on dcs careers) that my DS shouted from bed to ask what's wrong!

DS age 3, while being shown tshirts in ASDA " hmm no mammy, I'm not keen on the one, show me another" wtaf!!

Also my auntie had my cousins friend over to play ( both boys 6 or 7 )
Friend asks " mrs xxxx do you have a nanny or just a childminder?" " no dear we have grandparents!" He still is v.pretentious at 23!!

MrsNPattz Tue 11-Dec-12 22:31:05

We were in a Chinese restaurant the other night and there was a very pretentious group sat next to us - one of the girls (about 13) dropped her fork on the floor and the mum said 'oh don't pick that up off the floor darling'........

I have a very well-to-do friend (don't you know) who is about 45 yrs old. Last time I saw her she said 'Mummy and I are just off to Ick-kay-ah darling.'

Ick-kay-ah is how she pronounces Ikea!

HilaryM Wed 12-Dec-12 23:27:35

I've been to that dry cleaners in Virginia Water* - it is rather posh. Full of staff bringing in laundry for their Russian oligarch employers.

*Surrey (natch) not Berkshire btw

speedyboots Sat 15-Dec-12 15:32:13

I was at my friend's house for dinner when I was about 7 and I wasn't allowed to leave the table and go to the toilet until I asked to go and spend a penny. I remember not being impressed even then.

JesusInTheCabbageVan Sun 06-Jan-13 19:15:30

"I'm originally from Reading, but spiritually I'm Spanish*

Got me wondering if there are any Spaniards who are spiritually from Reading.

SchnappsDamnYou Sun 06-Jan-13 19:58:56

Family friend to me when I was aged 3 and carrying a flower 'ooh, look, pretty, what's that?'
Me 'a mesembryanthemum'

coldcupoftea Sun 06-Jan-13 21:00:57

My 2yo was helping me make tea ( ie putting teabags in cups, not pouring boiling water!) and my newly pregnant friend who had just been bending my ear for the last 30 mins about all the child-rearing theories she had been reading said "ooh, that's very Montessori" .

Also my 7yo niece who said very seriously when offered a creme egg "no thanks, I only like Green and Blacks dark chocolate"

TheSecondComing Sun 06-Jan-13 21:11:09

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sparrowfart Sun 06-Jan-13 21:45:23

Went to visit an old friend in Lancashire while I was living in London, myself and a very lovely but really pretentious friend drove us up in his Porsche. Whilst we were there we ate in a pub and he was given some HP sauce to put on his food. He made a great show of being plummy and amazed by this sauce - "Oooo ooo what is this? I've never seen it before, is it some special northern thing? We don't have anything like this down South!" to which said old friend's brilliant, brilliant husband pointed out the picture of the Houses of Parliament on the front of the bottle...

ptangyangkipperbang Sun 06-Jan-13 22:35:14

Sparrow fart that reminds me of a visit to my friend's mum's house. She was very posh and when pouring a cup of tea asked
"Do you take sugar?"
"No thank you".
Her reply - "I thought you would, being from the North".

EggRules Mon 07-Jan-13 13:05:21

"I know you are thirsty darling. You will have earned your drink when you have finished your rainmaker". confused

Gunznroses Mon 07-Jan-13 13:27:23

Deste said - Dd's friend was teaching a drama class when one of the girls came in with a bandage on her finger. She said oh dear what have you done, her answer, my pony bit my finger.

Whats so pretentious about that ? Maybe her pony did bite her finger, or is it the fact the child has a 'pony' that got your back up ?

LastInTheQueue Mon 07-Jan-13 13:50:09

My H and I do unfortunately come out with some right doozies, but we know we're snobs. But at least we snobs who can laugh at ourselves and wih each other.
Classics from H:
- while on holiday in the St Lucia where there are NO private beaches, unlike some of the other Caribbean islands we've been to - "look, darling, there are poor people on the beach. Have them removed".
- on a walking holiday in Scotland where I wanted to get water from a stream to drink and he didn't think it was a good idea. "I don't believe we should discuss this further - we have lost the art of compromise"

As for me, I once refused to buy the brand of beer favoured by men we had working in our garden, because it was only sold in cans and I couldn't bring myself to put cans of beer in my shopping trolley...

Thankfully we have no children to pass these foibles on to, but I did once hear my 4 yr old nephew correcting his little neighbour friend with "it's no le-lo, it's yellow. It's not wa-er, it's waTer. You should learn to speak properly".

DizzyZebra Wed 16-Jan-13 00:40:39

This thread is funny.
No one has ever actually said anything pretentious to me (Or maybe i just don't list).

When i moved up north though, My new friends were all convinced i was posh because of my accent. I tried to tell them i wasn't. This was further confirmed when they heard me friends who have the same accent.

Then one day, Just as the posh thing was dying down, In the same day i said something about my poor horses not being able to be turned out in the big field, because i had just bought another one and he was in quarentine as per the yard rules. And then later complained that the buses here do not have leather seats or air con like the one where i used to live.

My friends just stared at me, laughed, then referred to me as princess for a few weeks.

(I don't think it was proper leather though).

DizzyZebra Wed 16-Jan-13 00:42:28

Actually - My OH complained multiple times that our son will be an 'official scouser' because i gave birth at the womens in the city centre.

I don't know how he feckin dare TBH. Considering his first choice would be Derby.

DizzyZebra Wed 16-Jan-13 01:52:12

@ The liquid gold comment - When i had my DD I expressed one of the little cups full of collostrum. The midwife came in and knoacked it over, And promptly burst into tears and she referred to it as liquid gold.

I wasn't upset. I evidently wasn't struggling, But at the time i wondered what sort of people she had been dealing with (Pretentious?).

Then i had my son and i REALLY struggled. I cant even imagine the state i'd have left someone in if they'd spilled it then. I don't know about liquid gold - But drawing blood from a stone was looking an attractive past time at one point.

lastSplash Thu 24-Jan-13 23:48:18

Freshers fair: "Hi, I'm John. I'm a post-structuralist".

twentythirteen Sat 09-Feb-13 20:02:52

This one's on me. I was asked if I read the Daily Mail and I looked genuinely confused as if shocked that anyone would read it, let alone reference it in a conversation. I was duly embarrassed by my own response.

Wannabestepfordwife Sat 23-Mar-13 19:34:25

My uncle and his wife had to check out of a 5 star hotel as there were no pictures on the walk they could "not possibly stay in a room where the walls were so bare".

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Sat 23-Mar-13 20:00:12

Apparently, when I started infant school, I took exception to my teacher looking over my shoulder at my work and I carefully and dramatically placed my pencil on the table then turned to look at her and very primly said "Mrs X, I will thank you to not look over my shoulder while I am working, it's putting me orf"

or something very similar.

My mum bumped into her years later and she told her that she'd been dining out on that for years.


ImTooHecsyForYourParty Sat 23-Mar-13 20:12:27

oh god. I fear I have just been utterly pretentious.

My husband has just complained that he is aching after having spent the afternoon clearing the paths of snow.

I replied (I can't believe I am going to share this. You are all going to take the piss without mercy)

"yes darling, but you're not used to manual labour"


scottishmummy Fri 12-Apr-13 22:16:13

Right on type,anti-medication,hug the elephant type,said i dont don't get colds
Oh.says I? No,super immune says she.no colds,just blocked nose,coughing,sneeze
She then offered me a bile green viscous liquid,with health properties that I declined.

Thisvehicleisreversing Sun 28-Apr-13 00:50:51

I had a 'friend' at school who was rather MC and from an intellectual family. I was from a single parent family and lived in a council house.

I'd stayed at her's one night and we were making breakfast the next dat. She got out the butter and I said "ooh real butter" we only ever had flora at home.
She replied with "oh you poor thing it must be awful to not afford real food"

janji Sun 28-Apr-13 01:12:35

We often visit London with dc (aged 6 & 9) and treat them to lunches in various tourist hot spots. Cue ds exclaiming loudly in playground before one such weekend trip, "where shall we have lunch this weekend mummy? The Ritz, Harrods or Fortnum and Mason?" Exited the playground very quickly!

amazingmumof6 Sun 28-Apr-13 01:31:58

my MIL is obsessed with spending vast amounts of money on organic food, local butchers, local food, from the health food shop etc. - and never fails to mention how much it cost or why it is better, how healthy blah blah blah etc

she looks after my kids often which includes feeding them. she gets upset if they are picky and tells them they should eat/drink up because it is expensive and organic! I keep telling her not to bother wasting money on them, but she insists.

well, after a particularly long afternoon of "boys eat your organic rice cakes, they have factor 10 manuka honey on them!" "make sure you don't spill this cold press apple juice, it's very expensive!" and "these are organic sausages from the butcher's" my DS2 arrived home, let out a massive burp and said with a grin: "THIS WAS ORGANIC!" grin

amazingmumof6 Sun 28-Apr-13 02:00:45

I'm Hungarian so as a "bloody foreigner" the whole class malarkey doesn't apply to me - I mean how could I be classified as posh or pikey, upper/middle or lower class if I'm not even English/British?

but if class became a topic of conversation, on more than one occasion (first by accident, then as a joke) I'd say: I'm Hungarian, an outsider and above all of it!" wink

Greythorne Sun 28-Apr-13 09:59:34

We live in the suburbs of Paris, so our post code is considered very downmarket. My friend who lives in the same post code has had three babies and each was born at a hospital in (central) Paris so that they will have the posh Paris post code on their birth certificates, despite the fact that there are at least 6 maternity hospitals closer to where we live and she had to travel up to an hour for every antenatal appointment.

Greythorne Sun 28-Apr-13 10:04:25

I used to go out with a man who had attended public school and whose family had a biggish pile in the country.

One night at dinner in their big dining room, the port was brought out. One of my bf's brothers said he would like some port, so I picked up his class and passed it to the father who had the decanter of port in front of him.

Cue said brother say to me in the most withering and condescending voice, "er no, you pass the port, not the glass" and rolling his eyes theatrically at his wife.

It always makes me laugh whenever people often on MN come out with the old canard that upper class folk don't give a shit about the rules and always put everyone at their ease because they are usually too busy unloading their Labradors from battered up 20 year old volvos. There might be some upper class people like that, but there are also snooty upper class people who look down on lower middle class students who don't know how to pass the port.

primarymonkeyhanger Wed 31-Jul-13 16:49:15

At uni many moons ago a housemates friend was visiting from St Andrews (still reeling from not making oxbridge I expect). She said "Well the north is ok but one wouldnt actually want to live there."
She was in Leeds speaking to someone who considered Yorkshire 'the south'.

newforest Sun 01-Sep-13 00:26:09

My sister and I were in Harrods about nine years ago and were looking at some shoes laid out on a table when two women walked up behind us. They stopped briefly with one lady picking up a shoe and then tossing it aside before saying "we don't want to look at these dear; these are just the sale items." Bear in mind that the shoes were still at least a few hundred pounds. The only thing I bought in Harrods that day was a chocolate brownie!

GhostsInSnow Tue 03-Sep-13 15:05:43

My dear Mum always tries to use big words. When the gas man came to read the meter she didn't ask to see his ID card, oh no. She asked him to 'Show me your particulars please'.

Both her and the lady next door bought their ex council houses years ago. They live on the edge of the estate in lets call it area A and across the road is the very desirable Area B. Neighbour recently passed away and the house went on the market, the description on right move of this ex council semi read "Almost Area B!"

raisah Wed 04-Sep-13 05:02:08

My SIL has no self awareness whatsoever so she comes out with some interesting comments. For eg "we are an artistic snd creative family, I am not sure how you will benefit us as you have no understanding of art." whilst showing me her artwork (sweet wrappers stuck to yellow card as a representation of the earths protest about littering or sone shit like that.)

"what is your forte?" I was asked this by a 17 yr old who then proceeded to explain to me what it meant.
I was itching to tell her that I knew what it meant & state that I had a degree in English Literature abd stamp my feet but just smiled and nodded.

Whilst at uni, I knew a lot of medical students through my friend who shared halls with them. Oh my goodness sone of the gems they came out with, I sat in silence out of shock most of the time. One asked me if there was electricity up north because I was brought up in a town. I dread to think that some of them are now practising drs now unleashed on the general public.

bertandmarble Sat 14-Sep-13 08:20:41

Woman on train speaking with a lisp ' yes darling, I left you the keys under the terracotta pumpkin'

JustKate Thu 10-Oct-13 22:37:57

Overheard in Waitrose in Hampstead, woman to her DS: "Orlando! PUT DOWN the papaya!"

And many years ago, when I was a young'un just out of university, visiting my new best friend's family home for the first time. I was from a run-down area, single-parent family; her parents were millionaires. Introduced myself, didn't make any awful faux pas, all was going very smoothly and I was discussing literature (my degree) with friend's mum, until said mum got a bit tipsy and said to my face "It's just so nice to meet a poor person who can read!"

We laughed about it later. At the time I was rather offended.

LittleAprilShowers Mon 14-Oct-13 00:42:31

At work I was organising a new company to take over our IT contract and the old company were causing a few problems. When I told the head of the new company about it she said "oh yah, I often find the outgoing incumbent can be terribly bothersome!".

had to go back to my desk and google incumbent

makemineabacardi Fri 18-Oct-13 16:06:02

I was on holiday a few weeks back and we went to a wildlife park where you could collect stamps on a sheet of paper as you went round - if you got them all they would give you a little plastic medal in the shop. Bit of fun so we did it and DD (2) picked out a medal.

After that we went to the kid's park they had there where a boy - probably aged 3ish, pointed out to his Mum that DD had a medal.

Mum then started pulling him away and while walking past us said in a very loud voice (looking pointedly at me) "You don't need ANY more medals, Jeffrey darling, you have LOADS of medals at home don't you?"

I burst out laughing right then grin.

mokat72 Sun 20-Oct-13 01:36:13

Was at a museum years ago with a friend (white, redhaired) and her small DD (half-black, dark-skinned).

A middle aged white woman in African clothing came up to my friend and said "Mommy, you simply MUST take her to see the African-American exhibit."

She's 3, lady. She pretty much just wants to play on the elevator.

mollyringwald Mon 21-Oct-13 14:31:46

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

amateurcynic Mon 21-Oct-13 16:28:44

A friend of a friend has started a blog called 'ziggurats in everyday life'. hmm

24again Thu 14-Nov-13 20:26:09

We were doing a teddy hunt in a country house and I found myself saying, "Look darling, there's the teddy, it's under the Canaletto!".

spotty26 Mon 18-Nov-13 21:40:57

At posh person's house finishing off "sup sups" aka our tea... Female suggests "we all go soft" aka go into the lounge (or should I say Sitting Rum).

We now use this phrase in a non tongue in cheek way so people will now also think we are knobs.

Ehhn Mon 18-Nov-13 22:31:49

My mil delights in embarrassing my oh by reminding him about his only major tantrum as a toddler - when their favourite restaurant had run out of oysters and he was forced to have mussels!

(To be fair, they are from oz where sea food is cheaper... But still)

jonicomelately Mon 18-Nov-13 22:46:51

We were in a hotel a few months ago, one of those places much beloved my mumsnetters so I hope I don't offend anyone on here.
There was a family with two young children who basically provided us with all the entertainment we needed. Much to the amusement of my DC one of their DC gave mum and dad the run around all the time. Mum and dad were really intense and every fucking thing they did became a battleground.

One particular morning 'Benji' didn't want to eat his cereal, preferring something else instead. As per usual mum said no and the kid cried. Dad arrived and gave the kid what he wanted to eat. Mum was furious, reminding dad 'we don't negotiate over croissant'. Ds2. (7) ds1 (12)' DP and I all pissed ourselves laughing. Benji became somewhat of a cult hero in our house grin

birdybirdy21 Wed 20-Nov-13 21:14:13

When I was a teenager I was friends with a girl whose parents were very academic.

One evening whilst at her house her father turned to her mother and said "Darling shall we close the curtains to conserve heat".

YoniGetAnOohWithTyphoo Sat 23-Nov-13 18:34:11

At university: 'well the fact of the matter is Yoni, my parents clearly cared more about my education than yours, that's why they paid £23,000 a year for my private education'.

Mind you, I got the last laugh 3 years later when they got a 2:2 and toff's parents had to watch lil' old state school girl pick up her first class honours at graduation ;)

YoniGetAnOohWithTyphoo Sat 23-Nov-13 21:41:37

oh and another one...quite long, but bear with me.

DH and I were eating a quiet dinner in a local pub which has a reputation for being 'posh' (someone from a truly 'naice' area would snort at the very idea of this place being considered anything special, but since we live out in the sticks and is the only place in a 15 mile radius that isn't a '2 carveries for £7' type place, and serves 2 (yes 2!) different kinds of sauvignon blanc, I guess it has the captive market for any passing rahs).

Anyway, a group of extremely loud women sat right behind us and started doing the 'shout-talk' (the kind that people do when what they have to say is SO INTERESTING that clearly they are doing us other plebs a favour by broadcasting it) making it very difficult for me and DH to have a conversation. Anyway, after a particularly deafening cacophony of cut-glass laughs, I automatically winced for a split second and unfortunately one of the party caught me.

'I think that couple over there are pretty snobby, don't you?' she piped up...which had DH biting his lip to stifle a laugh (it's sadly untrue, as it's hard to be snobby when you spend 90% of your life in your overdraft sad) until suddenly he said 'is our car getting towed?!' and he ran outside.
Luckily our car wasn't getting towed, the tow truck was delivering a car...a brand new Mercedes convertible, being put in the space next to our Ford Fiesta. And who should run out but the rah queen herself who had clearly had her car delivered there to show off in front of her friends. As we walked back in she was walking out and said to her friends (loudly and knowingly for our benefit) 'Yes, it's beautiful isn't it! A bit better than a Fiesta don't you think haha?'

And we're the snobby ones? shock

It was a work of self restraint that we didn't key her precious new toy on our way out wink

HamletsSister Sat 23-Nov-13 21:57:18

At the recession took hold, in certain quarters, it became fashionable to forsake the skiing holiday and, instead, go for a country cottage. One parent, overheard in the playground, telling another, after returning from their cottage,

"And so I had to explain to Tarquin (aged 5) when we got to the cottage that some people really do live like that - just one bathroom. Can you imagine?"

HamletsSister Sat 23-Nov-13 22:00:00

Oh, and this one was tongue in cheek. When trying to smuggle a bottle of half drunk wine into a party in a hotel, as a student, a friend had it confiscated with the promise of return at the end of the party. When the bouncer asked his name, to put with the bottle he replied (and this still makes me laugh more than almost anything else) "Sainsbury. Viscount Sainsbury. The name's on the bottle."

uneedme Sat 23-Nov-13 22:15:09

On the tube heavily pregnant. Two public school girls sitting opposite me, dont realise I can hear them

"Gosh I would hate to be that pregnant, it is just advertising to the world that you have had sex"

EXTERMINATEpeppa Sat 23-Nov-13 22:16:18

my ex mil actually says...
'such fun'

shes never seen Miranda as tv is 'preposterous these days' & weekends are for wine or whiskey tasting.

PedantMarina Sat 23-Nov-13 22:16:21

Not sure if this counts, but just have to share. Gloucester Road tube station, overheard an American mother talking to her daughter:

"No dear, it's Lye-CHes-ter Square".

frecklyspeckly Sat 23-Nov-13 22:34:26

Years ago I had the misfortune of being befriended by a complete nutter at a mum and toddler group whom due to weakness on my behalf practically moved in. She has given us a few gems we still recall with fondness. 1) on collecting her ds from nursery where he had had a lot of help colouring in an elephant mask : 'oh he is so, so clever..he knows where an elephants trunk goes...' he was about 9 months. 2) on trying to seduce my husband..'but you don't understand.. I can cook you real curry.. not out of a jar like frecklyspeckly does!' mad, snobby twunt. Thankfully I hear she has fecked off to Australia a number of years back.

PedantMarina Sat 23-Nov-13 22:48:20

@exterminatePeppa Can't be all that pretentious if she was drinking Irish or American whiskey (as opposed to British whisky)

PedantMarina - Does what it says on the tin.

LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance Sat 07-Dec-13 17:41:52

Not pretentious in itself but it made me double up at the time...

On a beach in Cornwall, in a hugely posh accent:

"You know I wished I'd brought the field glasses last year?"


"Well I wish I'd brought them again this year too."

I wept.

DeckTheHallsWithBoughsOfHorry Sat 07-Dec-13 19:43:51

I'm reminded of a 5yo in Reception who was asked to name one of his heroes in class one day. He plumped for Archimedes.

His professor grandfather dined out on that for years.

wallaby73 Wed 11-Dec-13 11:16:31

From a 50+ academic to a nubile would-be student at interview : "what do you feel about art being a form of masturbation?"

shock In so many ways.......

bouncingpenguin Wed 11-Dec-13 20:58:21

DD once said "I like mange tout" at nursery during conversation about vegetables!

scarffiend Mon 17-Feb-14 17:33:04

I was talking to a girl I used to work with, we were quite friendly at the time, about our in laws. I mentioned that my mil seemed quite intimidated when she saw my parents house (not particularly posh but very clean). My then-friend responded 'but your parents house is just a normal house! If they saw where my parents lived, they'd be approaching me on bended knee!' So grateful to her for that absolute gem.

aylesburyduck Sun 23-Feb-14 12:31:51

Overheard in IKEA recently:

Sitting alongside us were a mum, dad and dd of about a year so. Mum says to dd

"Petal, would you like a nice cup of fennel tea or would you prefer lovely peppermint tea?"

I had to kick OH to stop him laughing, it didn't work he was still chuckling later the same day.

LadyHH Sun 23-Feb-14 15:54:24

A colleague and I had to work on site at another firm for a few weeks. Colleague "A" and guy "B" from the other company were sussing each other out.

B: so where do you live then A?
A: ah, A town - not the centre mind (scoff scoff)
no, no on the very edge out to the countryside. In fact hardly A town at all. What about you B?
B: ah, A town - the centre.....

I have no idea how I kept a straight face. The three of us carried on talking as if that hadn't just happened!

I think I posted this one on a Loud Parenting thread but it does make me smile.
I was having a wander round Durham Cathedral and kept finding myself at the same points as a family with small (4/5 years old) children. The Loud Parenting was in full flow but I wanted to burst out laughing when the mother said, "come on darling, you know who that is. It's the Venerable Bede. THE VENERABLE BEDE!"
I don't know HOW I kept a straight face! I still remember exactly how she said it!

hazelnutlatte Sun 23-Feb-14 16:25:21

Uni friend referring to a village in the Cotswolds near to where she is from - 'oh you wouldn't want to live there, it's a very rough village.'
She was speaking to a group of people from Liverpool and didn't understand why they all fell about laughing.

LadyHH Sun 23-Feb-14 16:41:58

Chatting with a new neighbour recently she said:- " you know LadyHH, it's just wonderful living next to someone so normal - my last neighbour was like a super model every time she left the house!" Mmmmmm I'm sure she thought there was a compliment in there somewhere!

largeginandtonic Sun 23-Feb-14 16:49:02

This was my Mother, a few years ago.

I was asking her if she knew there was a credit crunch going on as she was being flippant about a bill or something I was talking about.

She said "Of COURSE darling! I haven't been to Waitrose for WEEKS."

< eye roll >

woodmouse2 Wed 05-Mar-14 23:59:53

Overheard in small market town library in stockbroker belt, very posh and well upholstered lady to husband 'O Jeremy. I've got pudding in my fingernails!'

Perhaps the opposite of what the OP asked for but it made us laugh.

There is a chap who DH knew at school - they were actually good friends even in the first year of uni then they kind of drifted apart. In the 14 years I've been with DH I've met him 3 times, and he is the most money orientated tosser I think I've ever met.

Some gems:
- have you been to the States recently? (He "pops across the pond" every couple of months)
- oh, the tax man is a thieving bastard. I'm in the 40% tax band, are you?
- I have absolutely no DIY skills whatsoever. I can't even put a curtain rail up. But then of course I do pay through the nose to have these things done for me

He had dropped out of uni in Scarborough (!), worked in Pizza Hut when coming back to London, then mysteriously got a well paid job brought daddy's connections. The last time we saw him we had bought and were gutting/renovating our 3 bedroom house ourselves, whilst he was living in a 1 bedroom flat a few miles away. So he turns up, poor girlfriend in tow, to see the house. Cue us answering the door covered in plaster dust, paint stripper and builders caulk. He turns up in his porche (both our separate reactions - bloody hell where did you nick that from grin ) dressed in designer jeans and a pale Armani blazer. Not quite sure what he was expecting - he was visiting a building site! shock

SuddenlySqueamish Fri 14-Mar-14 13:02:02

"We could just land the helicopter in the garden"

Seriously. I just bought a very small pond for my very small garden and worried about it being crowded.
Heard in Falmouth, Cornwall last summer when DP and I were walking behind a very posh looking middle-aged man and an older man.

Odaat Sat 15-Mar-14 21:18:12

Worst of the worst : "She is a from good stock, a good breed"
Overheard at my Uni, a fellow student talking to another student about a girl we lived with. A good breed!? What is she, a fucking horse!?