Care to join me in my "Great TV shows they should make, but won't" thread? I'll start.

(218 Posts)
lashingsofbingeinghere Mon 12-Nov-12 15:28:34

"Escape to Cakes in the Attic".

<property porn - tick: baking - tick; antiques - tick>

Antiques In Zero Gravity - Tomorrow's World style documentary with Maggie Philbin, examining what happens to artefacts from the past in a elliptic flight path.
Episode 1: This week Maggie looks at a Queen Anne writing desk and an interesting pair of Tang Dynasty footed jars.

Cooking with Dot - EastEnder's June Brown takes viewers through a variety of home-cooked meals; all containing a liberal amount of fag ash and dog-ends.

lashingsofbingeinghere Mon 12-Nov-12 16:01:11

No takers? Ok,

Embarrassing Cakes Swap

Pimp My Emergency Antiques

One Baked Every Minute

<folds arms, sits back, taps foot>

lashingsofbingeinghere Mon 12-Nov-12 16:02:37

Very nice, TalcAndTurnips grin - love the production notes touch.

SlightlySuperiorPeasant Mon 12-Nov-12 16:05:58

Can I add a serious one? They should serialise a Georgette Heyer; The Foundling would work well, or Regency Buck.

InSPsFanjoNoOneHearsYouScream Mon 12-Nov-12 16:09:00

Big Brother Fight To The Death

lashingsofbingeinghere Mon 12-Nov-12 16:10:00

Yes, yes to Georgette Heyer. Full of antiques, and grand properties, and , er, cakes, and medical emergencies (lleeches! excellent).

Zombie masterchef.

OTheHugeManatee Mon 12-Nov-12 16:13:17

Bargain Hunt with Jeremy Kyle (teams compete against the clock to find the cheapest paternity test).

I'm An Antique - Get Me Out Of Here (anything with Bruce Forsyth in).

999 Emergency Tights - Join the crack squad of hosiers as they respond to the frantic calls of women (and men) suffering sudden ruptures in their tights, stockings and pop socks.
Episode 5: The Principal Boy in Doncaster Civic Theatre's production of Cinderella bends over and rips his gusset. Will that evening's show go ahead?

24-hour Planning Office - Fly-on-the-wall documentary about a busy council planning office, where not a lot happens.
Episode 65: New boy Kevin makes the coffees and Doreen clears a paper jam from the office photocopier. Brian can't find his propelling pencil. A client calls to enquire about the progress of his application to rebuild his garden wall.

OTheHugeManatee Mon 12-Nov-12 16:19:06

This is like a Christmas parlour game grin

<pours sherry>

Rick Stein's Fish In The Attic - Join West of England restaurateur Rick Stein as he transforms the lofts of Middle England into slightly smellier lofts.

Oi Baldy - Rebuild My Gaff And Get Me Up The Duff - Phil Spencer and Kevin McCloud visit a variety of young couples looking to transform their properties - and get all the women in the Family Way. And leave them with no money, but just a rather mediocre travertine and chrome bathroom refurb.

Strictly Clay Pigeon Shooting - Z-list slebs fight for survival in a gripping shoot off, partnered by impossibly glamorous gents in tweed and Barbour. From the National Shooting Centre in Bisley.

OTheHugeManatee Mon 12-Nov-12 16:30:47

Kooking with the Kardashians - Scantily dressed orange bimbos microwave a curry.

Newsfight - Jeremy Paxman gets tasty with brass knuckles. Tonight's bouts include veteran MP Sir Peter Tapsell and TV presenter Gloria Hunniford.

Ewww - What The FUCK Is That? - Embarrassed members of the public reveal a variety of orifices, dangling bits, rashes and discharges that you will remember just as you are sitting down to eat your dinner later that evening.

OTheHugeManatee Mon 12-Nov-12 16:42:13

Newsfight grin

Britain's Got Time Team - Muddy people from Cornwall compete to see whose pottery shards and series of small walls are the most historically significant.

lashingsofbingeinghere Mon 12-Nov-12 16:46:05

Grand Resigns - top CEOs take turns to flounce off and trouser the biggest pay-off.

Thirded on GeorgetteHeyer!

Question Rhyme. Politicos and pundits answer questions on the important issues of the day. In rhyming couplets.

Dammit Talc , anything I write now will be shite by comparison.

Anyway, I propose <ahem> ....

They're not fecking celebs, get them out of here - a crack team of men in , um, black suits and gas masks....stick with me.... will gather up the worst offenders of being famous for absolutely fuck all and they will be deported to a faraway island where even the Daily Fail's Side of Shame cannot reach. Once there, they are left to fend for themselves with no fake tan, hair straighteners, fake eyelashes or tooth whitenening kits. A rescue team will be dispatched in 60years. The end.

I propose that for Series One, we have:

Imogen Thomas
Lauren Goodger from TOWIE
That bloody stupid Rosie Webster girl from Corrie
Kirk Norcross - also TOWIE
Jodie Marsh

The Aprentice on Ice - management speaking idiots with over inflated egos show how to seriously fuck up in business, whilst ice skating?

Cooking with Dean Gaffney - Dean shows us how to cook an exciting range of frozen pizzas, oven chips and microwave curries. Tonight's episode includes a handy guide to opening bean tins - and the best way to reheat a takeaway Mushroom Foo Yung.

60 Second Makeover - Interior design gurus attempt to transform a derelict house into a chic family home - all within a minute. A budget of £3.50 adds an extra twist to the challenge. Hosted by Carol Thatcher.

lashingsofbingeinghere Mon 12-Nov-12 16:52:44

Downton Shabby Challenge - poor but well-born toffs compete for an English Heritage grant to re-lead their roofs and build a ha-ha.

FellatioNelson Mon 12-Nov-12 16:53:29

Benefit Scroungers Bake Off

I'm a cabinet minister get me out of here....clearly we are all really complaining about Nadine Dories largely because it is her and not George Osborne or Gove. Can we volunteer them both for some sick jungle challenge as part of Children In Need?

OTheHugeManatee Mon 12-Nov-12 16:54:53

One Born Strictly Come Dancing - Documentary programme showcasing modern rhumbabirthing practices in a Midlands hospital.

Shrieking with laughter at Cooking with Dean Gaffney grin

OTheHugeManatee Mon 12-Nov-12 16:58:08

My Big Fat Gypsy Masterchef - Fake tanned teenagers go head-to-head over who can bake the largest and most sequinned souffle.

Smelly - that desert island idea is genius. grin The other element would be: NO TV cameras, footage - anything - because we don't give a shit. Just the update after 60 years, that would reveal several clusters of bleached bones scattered across the beach - picked clean by vermin and seabirds.

Loobylou222 Mon 12-Nov-12 17:01:57

The only way is out of here- send them all to the jungle but leave them there!

FellatioNelson Mon 12-Nov-12 17:09:12

Lauren Goodger Hosts Question Time.

CSI Dorset - detectives try moodily and with lots of soul searching to solve cases of gnome theft, over enthusiastic tree lopping on shared boundaries and Radio 4 being played too loudly.

(apologies to anyone on thread from Dorset - blush - was the nicest quietest place I could think of)

lashingsofbingeinghere Mon 12-Nov-12 17:23:06

MN-ers do not disappoint.

24HourR*&*D

The team have only a few minutes to discover whether the growth on the petri dish contains a deadly toxin, or is just a bit of harmless mould growing on a fragment of Prawn Salad sandwich.

lashingsofbingeinghere Mon 12-Nov-12 17:23:40

oops, buggered up me bolds.

Katie's Fallopians - In an attempt to prop up her flagging and tawdry career, Katie Price reveals a new facet of herself not yet seen. Fibre optic cameras and keyhole surgery provide live coverage; a fascinating insight into her ovaries, fallopian tubes and endrometrium.

Pimp My Toddler - An eye-opening glimpse into the world of American toddler refurbishment. Distinctly average-looking kids are sandblasted, polished and blinged-up to the gills with fakery - before being prodded against their will down a shabby catwalk, forced to gyrate in an overtly inappropriate fashion - whilst being goaded by a baying pack of morbidly obese parents wobbling, clapping and shrieking.

lashingsofbingeinghere Mon 12-Nov-12 17:27:46

T&T - genius. InternalOrgans-watch. Love it.

One's Coronation Street - reality show set in Buckingham Palace showing the day to day lives of our favourite royals.

Laugh at Philip's 'bloody foreigner' quips
Laugh at the corgis shitting on the expensive antique carpets
Laugh at Charles talking to the plants and questionning if he will ever be King
Laugh at Edward

OTheHugeManatee Mon 12-Nov-12 17:37:53

I think Pimp My Toddler already exists, doesn't it?

Cuntryfile - Man in wax jacket fronts show about really unpleasant people.

Before He Was Orange - A fascinating look at the early life of pop superstar Peter Andre; from the days when he was merely beige. Having no kids to lavish his love upon, the young Pete becomes overly attached to a variety of inanimate objects - including a coffee percolator, a lawn mower and a traffic bollard.
Episode 6: Pete has a string of sausages surgically implanted into his abdomen, in an attempt to look 'ripped' for his forthcoming 'Mysterious Girl' pop video. He also undergoes testicle ablation to achieve the falsetto whine he became famous for.

Inter Net Cafe - Fishermen gather in a greasy spoon in Aberdeen to discuss what stuff they have dragged out of the ocean that day. With subtitles for the less-than-Scottish.

KurriKurri Mon 12-Nov-12 17:46:33

Come Sine With Me - bitching, drunkenness and logarithms.

No Shit Sherlock - Benedict Cumberbatch takes his clothes off and chats about the bleedin' obvious.

HappyHippyChick Mon 12-Nov-12 17:46:53

Pimp my embarrassing body

OTheHugeManatee Mon 12-Nov-12 17:51:11

Doctor Who Do You Think You Are? - Minor celebrities discover they are descended from shapeshifting lizards. (Presented by David Icke)

TiggyD Mon 12-Nov-12 17:54:37

Putt Or Die. Imagine Gladiators meets crazy golf.

NOThypocondriac Mon 12-Nov-12 17:56:20

The Apprentice Prime Minister - David Cameron is fired and two groups of Labour vs Conservative MP's have to compete for the job by doing tasks unrelated to the job and that they are completely unsuited to, such as filling in a benefits form or trying to find a good state school for an autistic child.

Pimp My Life - In the pilot episode someone comes along and gives me a housekeeper, nanny and 3 or 4 PA's, a million quid house, my dream job and Daniel Craig. Would be incredibly useless in terms of ratings but I'd be incredibly happy.

OTheHugeManatee Mon 12-Nov-12 17:58:53

Grange Hill Street Blues - Schoolchildren take over the police station.

Is it wrong that I really want to see most of these go into production?

grin

Pop Idle - Pop reality show rejects sit by the telephone, waiting for the telephone call that might secure them a day's work entertaining shoppers at Festival Place Shopping Centre in Basingstoke. When not on phone vigil, the wannabe popsters settle down, with a glass of Tizer, in front of CBeebies for a back-to-back Balamory-a-thon. They check their reflections in a hand mirror up to seventy times an hour.

Oh, It's You - Low budget version of Surprise Surprise. Unsuspected members of the public are reunited with people they had a brief chat with in the GP's waiting room the previous week. The final denouement includes a grandmother who hasn't seen Edie from the W.I. for over a fortnight, since having her varicose veins stripped under Dr Shadid at the Royal. Emotions run lukewarm, as they don't like each other much really.

anklebitersmum Mon 12-Nov-12 18:16:38

Baldy Shores think Geordie Shores but with trampy, orange over 40's

OTheHugeManatee Mon 12-Nov-12 18:24:40

Nicotine Patch of the Day - The highs and lows as 2nd Division football managers try to give up smoking.

Barrow-In-Furness's Next Top Model - Shannon from The Cod Piece fish and chip shop goes head-to-head in a photo shoot-off with Sandra from the library. They pose in an alluring selection of kagoules and pac-a-macs from Millets, before having to display their catwalk action in front of the panel of judges, headed by Les Dennis.

Vague Touch-Up, Home Edition - Ty Pennington and a lazy shower of incompetent painters and decorators surprise a deserving family with a bit of minor home maintenance.
Episode 97: - The Clunge family from South Carolina have the barge-boarding sanded on their dilapidated bungalow. The team then can't be arsed to come back and paint the prepared surface, preferring to sit outside a local bar with a beer and a tin of roll-ups. Ty leads the hysterically screaming family through their unchanged home while lots of emotional tinkly music plays.

NicholasTeakozy Mon 12-Nov-12 18:48:54

Newsfight and Oh, it's you have made me howl. grin

Holmes Under The Hammer - a mallet's mallet style game where Eammon Holmes is hit repeatedly with an over sized foam hammer - well, it would be screened during the day - whenever contestants get the answers wrong.

The American version would be glitzier with Katie Holmes obvs grin

Smelly - why oh why does the hammer have to be made of foam?

I'd much prefer to see repeated, forceful use of a meat tenderiser.

Peace and love, man thanks

I did think of that - perhaps there could be a late night version with a selection of hammers and mallets.

Sorry Eammon, blush your gaffes and jokes amuse me really.

TheCunnyFuntWearingAPoppy Mon 12-Nov-12 19:21:06

Celebrity Chef Come Dine With Me. Does what it says in the title.

999: What's your leggings emergency? A crack team of fashion police answer 999 calls from the public who spot women wearing see-through leggings with not much else on. The FP then swoop in, advise the leggings wearer then force them into an arse and camel toe coverer.

Glandstand - explicit all-nude version of the popular Saturday afternoon sports programme. Parental advisory - contains scenes of naked horses racing and Gary Lineker.

In The Fight Garden - Cute fluffy characters, with a penchant for farting, knock ten bells of shit out of each other in a leafy wood somewhere for the enjoyment of kiddies. First rule of Fight Garden is you do not talk about Fight Garden.

Tanorama - a topical show debating how orange can one really go. Caution - visors or welding masks may be required for viewing episodes featuring our favourite Klaxon one.

One Is Royal - Get One Ite Of Hyar - A full-scale replica of Buck Pal is built in the Amazonian Rain Forest. The entire royal family, including hangers-on, is incarcerated there for the duration, with full staff and facilities.
Week Three: HM finally realises that she is not in London any more. Phil is sent out to have a 'sensitive' chat with the local Yawalapiti people - and is lucky to escape with his life. The Duchess of Cornwall is selected by viewers for the Bush Tucker trial; she has to eat game terrine and smoked trout that has not come from Fortnum's.

Hairstyles of the Rich and Famous - A fascinating look at some of the more ridiculous and ill-conceived barnet choices of slebs around the world.
Episode 6: Donald Trump attempts to explain what exactly is going on 'up there' - and why he doesn't think he looks like a twat, when everyone else does.

OTheHugeManatee Tue 13-Nov-12 15:13:54

MTV Crabs - Famous rappers show you their gold-plated crotch nits.

InSPsFanjoNoOneHearsYouScream Tue 13-Nov-12 15:23:35

Come Be Nude With Me starring Tom Hardy who comes to your house and is naked the whole time. I'd watch that. I'd enter to be on it

InSPsFanjoNoOneHearsYouScream Tue 13-Nov-12 15:26:41

Alex Reid in Stuck In The Closet

Psammead Tue 13-Nov-12 15:32:36

You crack me up, Talc.

My suggestion is serious

You know that game, Scotland Yard, with the big map of London and searching for the criminal? That, in actual London. Maybe not with actual crims, though. There would be a team of detectives linked up by iPhone or whatever, and a lone criminal.

Epicdary.

SilverSixpence Tue 13-Nov-12 15:50:12

I came on to post that they should make Georgette Heyer into a series too! Maybe we can start a Mumsnet petition!

SP - did Alex Reid ever get out of the closet?

I like the Scotland Yard idea, Psamm - definitely real crims, though. Lots of helicopter infra-red cameras - and chaps hiding in wheelie bins and skips etc.

InSPsFanjoNoOneHearsYouScream Tue 13-Nov-12 16:10:44

Turn in next week to see talc grin

It would be a 6 week half hour slot about Alex been stuck in the closet. People can vote in and decide how many air holes to cover and what to put in the closet with him

grin

At the end of the six week run, Alex discovers that the closet wasn't even locked - he could have just opened the door at any time.

The moment of realisation

InSPsFanjoNoOneHearsYouScream Tue 13-Nov-12 16:29:17
InSPsFanjoNoOneHearsYouScream Tue 13-Nov-12 16:30:55

Week 2 in the Reid Closet.

Peter Andre is put in the closet with Reid. The closet is so bright due to the glow they both let off it is impossible to see them

CSI: Balamory

PC Plum has to stop dicking about with wildlife after he receives a call about a double homicide.

TheCrackFox Tue 13-Nov-12 16:54:05

Top Gear

James May is parachuted into west side LA and has 48hrs to sell 3 kilos of cocaine. Will he cut it with talc to maximise his profits? Gloria Hunniford does the voice over.

MardyBra Tue 13-Nov-12 17:19:55

I've just found this thread and you had me with the first couple of posts. Shameful place marking to come back to later.

Celebrity Swears - Nine slebs sitting in a 3x3 square box affair, shouting repeated profanities at pensioners for absolutely no reason whatsoever.

NicholasTeakozy Tue 13-Nov-12 17:53:25

Tom's Cruise. A short film about a short man on a boat. Or maybe a tour of the town's public toilets.

Topiary Gear. A show for those who like to sculpt their undergrowth.

Urban Survivor - Professional tramp Ray Mears lives for six months just off the A1081 in the outskirts of Luton, by scraping dead stuff off the tarmac and rummaging through bins.
Episode 4 - Feast Night: Ray is in for a slap-up banquet when he finds two thirds of a badger decomposing in the gutter - which he roasts in a burning lorry tyre and enjoys with a cheeky cup of pond water.

Paris Hilton In Space - Gormless socialite Hilton has the trip of a lifetime when she is blasted into space in a one-man capsule. However, not all goes to plan when she discovers that the craft - funded by her family, friends and fans - is not equipped with any food, water or oxygen. Or any means to return to Earth.

Ready Steady Get out of here

Contestants include Claire Sweeny.

What happens, Bitter? I'm intrigued.

I haven't really thought it through, but it would definitely involve man traps and packs of rabid dogs.

Loose Women Wipeout with extra crocodiles.

Excellent. A fan of Sweeney, are you? confused

Did I go too far? blush

TheLightPassenger Tue 13-Nov-12 18:45:44

Supernanny - celeb special series.

Bitter - no no! Not far enough grin

TheCrackFox Tue 13-Nov-12 18:52:20

Celebrity autopsy.

Each week the phone lines will be opened to vote for Britain's favourite Celebrity Autopsy. The first week the public will be able to choose between Alex Reid (sensing a theme here), Jim Davidson or Katie Hopkins to be dissected live on air.

Dick and Dom to present.

Police, Camera, Donut!

I'd pay double my licence fee to see Claire Sweeney in a pool of crocodiles. That fecking 'size aware, shape sure' advert for cruise liner clothing makes me angryangryangry

Who Do You Think You Were? In episode one, a Buddist psychic reveals that Brian Sewell was a babboon's arse.

MrsWoodforTrees Wed 14-Nov-12 00:13:18

Just found this


I'm a Celeriac , Get me Out of Here .

Monty Don , Hugh Fearnley Whittingstall (Dressed up as Cauliflower related foodstuffs ) , An Organic Veg Box and a clutch of reality / little known soap stars are abandoned in an allotment. They have to perform tasks eg pricking out , trimming beans and double digging . The public has to vote for the genuine vegetable & the winner is blanched and served up with a teriyaki sauce before being offered a part (as a finger puppet ) in the reality programme "Made in Etsy"



Countdown

OK I know it has been done but my version is - Strap two crossword addicts into a rocket on a launch pad (with austronaut suits and big gloves . ) Give them one of those space tiny rollerball pens and papers floating round in zero gravity. They have to solve a 24 letter anagram before the 10 , 9 . 8 take off sequence / Otherwise shot into space and the algorithms for getting them back they have to work out from a number piped into the capsule

Monkey Tennis

Alan Partridge said it first but I'd vote for it

Darkesteyes Wed 14-Nov-12 00:49:49

Im not as funny as you ladies but they will never make anything where you get a woman above a size 14 playing a romantic lead.

MrsGrieves Wed 14-Nov-12 01:20:43

How about Cherry does PND, after all of her (who the fuck is she?) random documentaries about childbirth and hair removal, we find her rocking in a corner, and agonising over choice of anti-depressants.

That other one, Dawn Porter, she did a Lesbian thing and a "I will starve myself for a laugh thing" surely she would be up for a "Dawn does Heroin" or a "Dawn is incontinent" laugh fest.

MrsGrieves Wed 14-Nov-12 01:26:19

kurrikurri yours are marvellous, I would watch avidly.

MardyBra Wed 14-Nov-12 08:24:02

Come Outside (and show us what you're made of) Auntie Mabel and Pippin try out a variety of roles in the security trade.
Episode Three. Pippin is threatened with being put down after losing control and grabbing the bollocks of some unsuspecting punter outside the Chicks'n'Dix nightclub.

OTheHugeManatee Wed 14-Nov-12 08:30:49

Tap Gear - James, Jeremy and the other one review cars through the medium of dance.

Fiderer Wed 14-Nov-12 08:54:07

I think Talc should be the new DG of the BBC. Shall we start a petition?

MardyBra Wed 14-Nov-12 13:32:35

Count me in Fiderer.

MardyBra Wed 14-Nov-12 13:34:25

How about Cuntdown - the words and numbers game for soft porn stars.
Today: Michelle Bass attempts to rearrange the letters r w c t n o m u to read Octochamp status.

MardyBra Wed 14-Nov-12 13:37:14

I'd like to nominate this thread for classics.

MardyBra Wed 14-Nov-12 13:37:59

"reach" not "read"

Absy Wed 14-Nov-12 13:46:13

Come Whine With Me - four or five amateur kvetchers host a series of dinner parties competing against the other contestants, to see who is the best at complaining.

BellaTheGymnast Wed 14-Nov-12 13:52:44

Nice Road Fuckers Channel 4 exposé of swinging in Henley

The Festeration Man George Clarke documentary about people who don't wash

Call The Fishwife A prime time Saturday tea time show for all the family, presented by Miranda Hart. Drunk women compete to see who can hurl the vilest insult in the shrillest voice. The winning team wins a holiday to Stoke.

KurriKurri Wed 14-Nov-12 14:04:53

One Born Every Two Days or So - Underpaid midwives work to rule.

Have I Got Shoes For You - Imelda Marcos finally gets her own show.

DIY SOZ - Nick and the team go round to all the owners of houses they have disfigured, and apologise profusely.

SuzySuzSuz Wed 14-Nov-12 14:17:51

Real Housewives of Hull

(No offense to Hull, tried to think of somewhere as polar opposite to NY, OC, Atlanta etc as possible!)

Kim Kardashian: The Marriage Ref - fear not married couples in crisis, your troubles are over, because KK is here to solve all your marriage woes. With a long and happy marriage under her belt, there is no-one better qualified to dish out the advice.

Bob The Builder X-Rated - the post-watershed version where Bob gets it on with Wendy.

Supernanny - same format but with a nanny goat who butts naughty kids into behaving themselves.

Stars In Their Pies - Brian Cox combines experimental physics with cookery.

KurriKurri Wed 14-Nov-12 14:33:28

Ten Second Makeover -Claire Sweeney runs in to your house and flings a bucket of paint over your sofa.

Dickinson's Ronseal Deals - David explains how he achieves that much envied shade of mahogany.

grin

Has anyone emailed this thread to Channel 5 yet? wink

GetAllTheThings Wed 14-Nov-12 14:40:39

Top Greer Germane Greer reviews today's cars from a feminist perspective whilst perching on Jeremy Clarkson's testicles.

Absy Wed 14-Nov-12 14:54:12

Ooh, I would LOVE to watch Top Greer.

GetAllTheThings Wed 14-Nov-12 15:05:51

This Morning with Naomi Campbell

Viewers donate via text until £10,000 is reached at which point she gets out of bed, throws her mobile phone at a producer and storms out of the studio.

Move Your Car, Fucker Mr T. gets bad ass on parents parking badly at school pick up time.

21 Bump Street - TV drama where a young baby-faced cop, who can still pass for a student, goes undercover in the teenage parent unit of a US high school.

GetAllTheThings Wed 14-Nov-12 15:20:58

Last of the Summer Whine

A live show where studio audience members complain about how crap the summer was.

Z-Cars Low grade celebs are driven around Romford in an old Ford Mondeo.

Sir, You Have A Woman's Arse - fashion advice for the modern gentleman in the style of Blackadder. (inspired by the bloke walking in front of me on the way to school just now).

Git Parade - join us for a countdown of this week's biggest gits. Don't forget to send us your nominations to nominations@gitparade.com

Top of the Flops - a weekly look at some of the biggest flops in history. During week one, we take a look at Daybreak, and ask what went wrong?

GetAllTheThings Wed 14-Nov-12 15:39:44

It's a Knockout / Mumsnet edition

Mums fire massive buns at each other with a large catapult, dressed as comedy trolls, whilst on a revolving oiled platform.

It's a Knockout / Dadsnet edition

A large catapult stands idle next to empty comedy troll costumes, whilst an empty revolving oiled platform goes around.

Absy Wed 14-Nov-12 15:57:31

Top of the Cops - local PCs give live performances of their interpretations of the Hit Parade in sparkly costumes, removable skirts and whatever takes their fancy. Presented by Dale Winton

MardyBra Wed 14-Nov-12 16:29:32

Britain's Got Tarrant
A popular new show where Chris Tarrant is incarcerated for the duration of the series and viewers vote for a selection of grueling tasks or punishments.
This week: A Red Room of Pain special.

MardyBra Wed 14-Nov-12 16:35:23

How To Look Good Dressed with Gok Wan
A makeover show in which he doesn't persuade some unsuspecting woman with low self esteem to strip off to provide sensationalist TV in order to boost her confidence, never once patronises her, calls her "girlfriend" or squeezes her "bangers".

AuLaitAuLait Wed 14-Nov-12 16:45:12

Hee hee!
the last of the antiques road trip
Celebrity antiques experts attempt to find bargains in aunty's shop

RuleBritannia Wed 14-Nov-12 16:47:03

I'll be boring and just suggest period dramas from early 20th century books - for instance, GH Wells, Bartimeus, P C Wren.

GetAllTheThings Wed 14-Nov-12 16:48:51

Thunderbirds

Two women from Liverpool eat copious amounts of baked beans.

( apologies for use of 'birds' )

RuleBritannia Wed 14-Nov-12 16:49:55

*H G Wells

MardyBra Wed 14-Nov-12 16:58:16

South Park in Balamory
Episode 3: Archie the Inventor is a little flustered when he is flashed by Cartman.

MardyBra Wed 14-Nov-12 16:59:32

Dr Why A new Dr Who franchise aimed for 3-4 year olds.

MardyBra Wed 14-Nov-12 16:59:38

at

SuffolkNWhat Wed 14-Nov-12 17:00:49

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MardyBra Wed 14-Nov-12 17:01:42

grin at Merkin

MardyBra Wed 14-Nov-12 17:02:44

The Cheese Wire
McNulty and Stringer Bell tuck into a ripe camembert.

MardyBra Wed 14-Nov-12 17:06:14

The West Bling President Bartlet models his new gold tooth.

MardyBra Wed 14-Nov-12 17:08:10

I've never watched the Sopranos, but could Gareth Malone possibly get them singing some four part harmony schmaltz.

MPs vs Wolves - democracy in action as the public vote out unpopular government policies. U-turns see MPs given only a White Paper of their choice to defend themselves with.

24 The Hour in A&E

Jack Bauer fends off a 1950s news team attempting a terrorist attack on a hoispital.

KurriKurri Wed 14-Nov-12 17:17:51

Name That Huhne - members of the public pick the MP's most likely to get involved in shady activity during the next week.

GetAllTheThings Wed 14-Nov-12 17:19:03

Space 1999

A group of scientists don't go to the moon.

GetAllTheThings Wed 14-Nov-12 17:21:13

University challenge

Hundreds of thousands of student attempt to complete a degree course whilst accruing huge debts

Time Team Down Under

Tony and the crew are placed at the centre of the earth and try to work their way out using only an archaeologist's tool kit recording their findings en route.

Songs of Raves

An ecstasy fuelled dance off presented by Aled Jones.

GetAllTheThings Wed 14-Nov-12 17:37:14

The Muppets

Live coverage from parliament.

grin @ The Muppets

poozlepants Wed 14-Nov-12 17:47:54

Dislocation,dislocation,dislocation - Kirstie and Phil find you the best hospital in your area- shortest waiting times, lowest levels of c.diff, MRSA, least number of medical blunders etc. The more money you have the more choice obvs.

soverylucky Wed 14-Nov-12 17:51:46

Randall and Hopkins deceased

Watch live as the corpses of Sky news presenter Jeff Randall and Know it all Katie Hopkins decompose before our eyes.

Leithlurker Wed 14-Nov-12 18:01:09

X Tractor presented by Ben Fogle: A compition where two teams of clubs compete in a number of farm related games. Such as "Dig the Dung" Scrapping the bottom of the cess pit" Muck raking and spreading". And the highlight of the show, guessing the make and model of Tractors by listening to recordings of them.

Leithlurker Wed 14-Nov-12 18:02:20

POT KETTLE BLACK. Two teams of politicians try and out do each other by telling the biggest lies.

I would definitely be an X Tractor fan grin wink

Emmerdale Nights - Late-night, adult-themed spin-off of the favourite agricultural soap.
This week: Amos Brierley goes twos-up with Mr Wilks on Annie Sugden under a tarpaulin in the top field. A few sheep, chewing, look on with mild disinterest. The Woolpack is closed by Trading Standards officers, when it is discovered that the Bishop's Nipple Ale actually contains Rohypnol in significant quantities - which could be behind the recent spate of abductions of middle-aged men.

Takeshi's Arsehole - Bizzare Japanese game show. Contestants face a variety of scatalogical challenges, including: 10 Gallon Coffee Enema 100m Dash; How Many Brussel Sprouts?; Amateur Haemorrhoidectomy With Plastic Cutlery and the legendary Pineapple Challenge. Viewer discretion is advised.

Han About The House - Hilarious 70s sitcom featuring Intergalactic Space Pilot Han Solo, who has moved in with two buck-toothed peroxide blondes in push-up bras and white plastic platform boots.
Episode 7: Landlords George and Mildred Roper spy on Han, as they suspect he may be part of a Rebel plot to overthrow the Empire. They attempt to have him evicted from the flat for keeping a pet - but Han tries to explain that Chewy is actually his lover. Chrissy and Jo find an amusing new use for a light sabre.

OTheHugeManatee Wed 14-Nov-12 18:45:29

Midsomer Turders - In the sleepy village of Midsomer, the search is on for the identity of a mysterious shitter.

Six Feet Udder - Drama about the world's largest cow.

Bargain Hund - Alsatians compete against Weimaraners to buy antiques cheaply.

Return To River Cottaging - Homosexual bargemen give a whole new meaning to cruising. Series II.

MrsCantSayAnything Wed 14-Nov-12 18:47:32

Hoodies Emergency Room

A gang of steet yoot are given the opportunity to learn how to be medical professionals....watch as Chardonnay performs drastic brain surgery with a flick knife and Col' gets to deliver a breech baby using only his teeth and a firework.

Mirage Wed 14-Nov-12 19:09:31

The credit goes to Reeves and Mortimer,but I can't help thinking of 'International Pan Fighting' and 'Poldark on Mopeds'.

grumpyoldbookworm Wed 14-Nov-12 19:10:57

*I'm on Jeremy Kyle, get me out of here*: with added audience votes- should she leave him/ have the sex change/ sell her children? You decide!

FairPhyllis Wed 14-Nov-12 19:15:16

The Rex Factor Members of the Royal Family compete to be Britain's next monarch.

HongKongPooey Wed 14-Nov-12 19:25:39

Newsfight, Grand Resigns. Brilliant! Nearly woke DD up from her milky bliss with my cackling.

Trumpton - The stop-frame animation town lives up to its name, as Dr Mopp has to attend the scene or a near-fatal immolation. Fireman Grub has lit one of his farts - flames have shot across the fire station lounge area and set the nylon curtains ablaze. Pugh, Pugh, Barney McGrew, Cuthbert and Dibble rush Grub to Trumpton General in an agonisingly low-speed emergency dash through the sleepy cardboard streets. Proceedings are brought to a halt, as Mrs Lovelace crosses the road outside the town hall with her three Pekinese pooches. Cert U.

NapDamnYou Wed 14-Nov-12 19:38:43

Dongs of Praise celebrity stud muffins get their cocks out

NamingOfParts Wed 14-Nov-12 19:38:48

I'm a nonentity, can I stay here? - while the celebs fight it out in the jungle ordinary people compete to stay in the celebs' houses.

Bargain Hunt in the dark - first task is for contestants to identify their expert by touch alone - how do you tell one tubby, tweedy antiques expert from another?

NapDamnYou Wed 14-Nov-12 19:39:53

Downton Out the cast of Downton Abbey sleep rough in hedges and eat out of bins.

NapDamnYou Wed 14-Nov-12 19:40:45

Blue Peter celebrities reveal their home sex movies

NapDamnYou Wed 14-Nov-12 19:42:32

One Man and His Bog slebs talk us through their lavatorial decor,reading habits and rituals

neski36 Wed 14-Nov-12 19:52:54

The Crystal Haze, contestants on crystal meth compete.

Bra Wars - Rival gangs of huge-breasted amazonian women fight it out on the streets of a housing estate - using only their foundation garments as slingshots, plus a selection of gourd and cantaloupe ammunition. Narrated by Sir Ian McKellen. ^(Available in HD and 3D - subtitled)

Judge Doody - Criminal proceedings and petty spats are presided over by a giant turd wearing a horse-hair wig and propped up in a large wing chair. In over 300 editions of this popular daytime show, a judgement is yet to be made by the oversized stool - due to it having no powers of speech or rational thought. (Repeated at 2230, after Two and a Half Shits)

mouldyironingboard Wed 14-Nov-12 20:12:05

scratch of the day a group of elderly people wearing baggy underwear sit on a sofa while scratching themselves, grumbling, drinking tea and eating biscuits.

A Place In The Sun - annoying estate agents get sent to the sun. Forever.

MardyBra Wed 14-Nov-12 20:24:54

Life in Spars Gene Hunt gets a job in stacking shelves in a convenience store.

In the follow-up series Rashes to Rashes, he moves on to work in a pharmacy.

MardyBra Wed 14-Nov-12 20:32:01

You've been flamed Survivors of AIBU talk candidly about their experiences.

Episode 1243 A newbie explains her first encounter with worra and scottishmummy.

wink

Inspector Coarse - a foul-mouthed detective solves murders in the historical university city of Cambridge.

Baywatch UK - it's Baywatch as you've never seen it before. Based in Whitby Bay.

GetAllTheThings Wed 14-Nov-12 20:57:01

Wife Swap Presented by Boris Johnson.
Boris shows he's not above getting involved himself.

masterchef with Hannabal Lecter.
The contestants are whittled down, and washed down with a nice Cianti.

Blue Peter Andre
Peter shows us how he makes kids 'ozzie style'.

the Magic Roundabout
Dougal's LSD stash is discovered to have contaminated the water supply since episode 1 and it's revealed to be a show about grey accountants from Surbiton.

NamingOfParts Thu 15-Nov-12 00:35:38

You've been flamed made me laugh out loud!

NicholasTeakozy Thu 15-Nov-12 07:30:24

Dixon Of Dock Green Green Grass Of Home. A mild mannered old fashioned copper nicks Boycie for crimes against Shropshire. And comedy.

WeatherWitch Thu 15-Nov-12 09:45:58

Homeland Under the Hammer - an increasingly frantic Claire Danes attempts to buy and renovate property at auction before some ginger bloke in a suicide vest blows it up.

Everybody Hates Liz - sitcom about the life of a bitter and catty newspaper columnist called Liz Bones wink. Every week, watch as Liz spouts her bile and upsets many, all while thinking she is a serious journalist.

TotalBummer Thu 15-Nov-12 10:11:11

TessOfTheBaublevilles amazing

meddie Thu 15-Nov-12 10:59:05

Mock the Weak..
A series where Ian Duncan smith and a bunch of his mates, line up people claiming benefits and throw pate fois gras, caviar and shower them with champagne. Last man standing gets to keep his DLA.

Put 'Em in the Stocks a hilarious cross between the Jeremy Kyle show and old Medieval England, whereby the days victims guests get their chance to have a dna/lie detector test. Except before the results are read out, they are place in stocks, and instead of booing, the audience are invited to throw rotten cabbages and tomatoes at them (upcycling unwanted food, very green and thus bringing down the carbon foot print of the show). When it turns out someone lied, the audience is then allowed to watch as the guest is tarred and feathered. Could be presented by David Cameron

Leithlurker Thu 15-Nov-12 11:30:56

ONE MAN AND HIS LOG: Severely constipated people tell tales of horrific experiences from their own past of triumph over tragedy.

Follow up series for a more niche market audience.

ONE BORN EVERY MONTH: Women recount how they overcome consitpation during pregnancy and post childbirth. WARNING this programme contains bad language and scenes of violent explosions from the start

Leithlurker Thu 15-Nov-12 11:36:38

SPRINGWATCH: Live from sofa's and beds across the land, live outside broadcasts featuring the best of british springs and what happens to them during the programme.

RebeccaMumsnet (MNHQ) Thu 15-Nov-12 13:00:55

MardyBra

I'd like to nominate this thread for classics.

grin

LadyMaryCrawley Thu 15-Nov-12 13:08:23

The Big Bang Theory

Brian Cox, Patrick Moore and Brian May live across the hall from, oh, I don't know, Fearne bloody Cotton, and spend the evening trying to explain the whole of physics to her. Brian Cox looks all toothy and awed and says things like "The universe! It's fucking amazing!" while Brian May and Patrick Moore jam in the back and all Fearne is things like "Ooh, random!" at the most inappropriate moments.

LadyMaryCrawley Thu 15-Nov-12 13:11:24

Upstairs Downstairs

Not the Edwardian drama based on class divisions, but an extended advert for Stannah Stairlifts.

TheCunnyFuntWearingAPoppy Thu 15-Nov-12 13:16:40

We made it to Classics! Hooray!

Miggsie Thu 15-Nov-12 13:17:12

Strictly Antique Cakes Makeover Surprise Pet Tango Challenge Celebrity Deformity Goes Bad

Strictly Antique Cakes Makeover Surprise Pet Tango Challenge Celebrity Deformity Goes Bad Extra

Strictly Antique Cakes Makeover Surprise Pet Tango Challenge Celebrity Deformity Goes Bad Spun out to unbelievable lengths of banality and job creation for talentless has-beens

Junior Strictly Antique Cakes Makeover Surprise Pet Tango Challenge Celebrity Deformity Goes Bad

My Baby Ate my Breast Milk!

What's my resignation Reason? - BBC Unreality Show

BellaTheGymnast Thu 15-Nov-12 13:36:49

Extreme Fishing With Robson Green Robson Green goes fishing. Oh, hang on...

Absy Thu 15-Nov-12 14:07:45

How I Met Your Brother a rather dull "bumping into someone in a supermarket in reverse" story, about how various people bumped into random acquaintances in supermarkets, recounted in a pub over a nice pint.

recall Thu 15-Nov-12 14:10:48

they ought to do life on mars/ashes to ashes with the Gene Genie arriving in 2012

openerofjars Thu 15-Nov-12 14:23:06

Mr Bloom's Nursery

A fly on the wall docudrama following the trials and tribulations of a gangly but strangely attractive childcare provider. Episode 9: Will Mr Bloom shut up shop following continuing sexual harassment from mothers at pick-up time? Who's been making ratatouille? And just where has Sebastian the aubergine gone?

Justin's House

A chance for nosy people to discover exactly what goes on behind the doors of homes owned by people called Justin. This week: Justin Timberlake lets the cameras in so we can all bitch about his taste for twigs 'n pebbly shite. Next week, Justin Bieber shows us his feature wall and brown leather DFS sofas. You can still catch previous episodes featuring Justin Fletcher's actual house (a bare, minimalist cube with no colours at all and certainly no fucking polka dots anywhere, oh no) and, erm, some ruins reputedly loosely connected with the Roman emperor Justinian. And that's about it, really. Is more a mini-series.

Shaky Thu 15-Nov-12 14:25:37

I'm loving You've been Flamed

Genius!

Yus - Classics!

<< punches air >>

If I do go for the DG of the BBC, this thread is my fecking CV - I shit you not.

Universally Challenged
A group of chavs in their twenties attempt to pass the 11 plus exam, coached by Amy Childs and Mark Wright.

Absy Thu 15-Nov-12 14:41:07

Jake Gyllenhaal naked.

That's the whole show. He may do flexing at some points.

BellaTheGymnast Thu 15-Nov-12 14:50:33

Foo Hospital Channel 4 series where Pixie McKenna tells a selection of viewers' minges that they'd be healthier if only they ate more endamame beans. The minges' consultations take place in a very large modern house clearly not lived in by Pixie, then we see 'after' footage of carefree minges skipping along a windy beach walking dogs and laughing gaily.

OTheHugeManatee Thu 15-Nov-12 14:51:46

Yeastenders Long-running soap about a group of Londoners with thrush.

It's A Knock-Out! - Nope, not the jolly team game show featuring Eddie 'Up and Under' Waring and Stuart Hall asphyxiating - but a whole new concept in ultra-low-budget satellite broadcasting.

Each week night, live from the city streets at chucking-out time, graphic and exciting coverage of the pathetic attempts at bare-knuckled scuffling between inebriated pub punters with an alcohol-fuelled axe to grind. Laugh at their woefully poorly aimed swipes and punches; groan as they miss the edge of the pavement and stumble into parked taxis; cheer as the Old Bill turn up and start loading the detritus up into the back of the van.

Week 9 - Bolton; Gary's girlfriend has chucked him, so he decides to get completely ring-bolted to drown his sorrows. At closing time at the Mucky Duck, Gary thinks that that bloke over there by the fruit machine is looking at him funny - and does he want to step outside to make something of it? Follow Gary's progression from him falling down the steps outside the pub, through A&E as they struggle to contain him on the trolley while he hurls into a cardboard dish - right through to his appearance at the Magistrates' Court, where he is given 120 community service for Public Affray. In HD - subtitled for enhanced swearing

BellaTheGymnast Thu 15-Nov-12 15:08:59

Ooh Talc, that could be a sister show of my Call The Fishwife.
Thinking longevity and franchising opportunities.

BellaTheGymnast Thu 15-Nov-12 15:14:46

It'll Be All Whites On The Night BBC2 in depth look at the history of the meringue.

Ooh yes - you're right, Bella. grin

They could be marketed as a twin BluRay gift pack for your favourite uncle at Christmas, who enjoys a bit of profanity and low-quality pugilism.

I can actually see the trailers on Channel 5 - fast, flicking film clips, to capture those of a short attention span. Big, brash musical score - lots of drumming and explosions, while angry faces snarl and lots of slo-mo finger-jabbing.

Ternight, on Channel 5...

BellaTheGymnast Thu 15-Nov-12 15:22:30

I think my favourite uncle might actually be in it. grin

Episode 7 - The King's Head?

He was a beast. The way he started on that traffic bollard, thinking that it insulted him, was priceless television.

Leithlurker Thu 15-Nov-12 15:39:30

CrossRoads. Drama about a school crossing patrol woman called meg, and her illegitimate son Benny:
This eek Benny sees Shug McPhee giving Betty Turtle a good bollicking for fingering his turnovers.
Meg has to make a snap decision about the dodgy bloke on the other side of the crossing.
Benny buys a tea cosy and prefers it to his hat.

BellaTheGymnast Thu 15-Nov-12 15:42:02

That's him. grin

Leithlurker Thu 15-Nov-12 15:42:51

This is your Life! Heart warming show presented by Eamon Holmes reuniting long demented mothers with their old lives.

Shaky Thu 15-Nov-12 17:01:55

I think a mumsnet type show, like QI but called PO instead.

The siren would go off for using certain words like, pombears, Naice ham, froot shoots, parking, dog poo and greggs sausage rolls.

I would have Katie price, myleene klass, Katie Holmes, Kerry Katona, holly willoughby and Carol Mcgiffin on the panel and sit back and watch the bunfight!

Absy Thu 15-Nov-12 17:30:15

It'll Be All White On The Night a real nailbiter - will Mavis be able to wash her dress proficiently, so that it will be gleaming White on the Night?

Inertia Thu 15-Nov-12 18:27:19

Latch Of The Day - highlights of the day's most secure breastfeeding arrangements.

Latch of The Day 2 - round-up of the weekend's most thrilling door mechanisms.

Inertia Thu 15-Nov-12 18:32:01

The Spy At Night - astronomers with less scientific justification than usual get the telescopes and binoculars out.

Inertia Thu 15-Nov-12 18:37:31

The Necks Factor - a singing contest for giraffes.

Inertia Thu 15-Nov-12 18:46:22

Twuntryfile - a weekly round up of men's poor behaviour towards women. Includes a special report on how older women are marginalized in some industries and an investigation into complaints about noise nuisance due to cocklodgers.

openerofjars Thu 15-Nov-12 19:01:32

DH would like me to add this one:

Ladygardener's World

Celebrity gardeners discuss topiary and vajazzling as well as visiting famous ladygardens and talking to their owners about their history and upkeep as well as sharing tips for ladygardeners at home.

Inertia Thu 15-Nov-12 19:07:17

Cole In The Wall - spandex-clad D-list slebs try to contort their bodies to fit through foam cut-outs of Cheryl Cole, Ashley Cole, Joe Cole, Nat King Cole and Old King Cole.

What's That Sound? - we wire up a mike to your wall and the nation guesses what your neighbours are up to. Week 1, is it a brothel, are they drug dealers or do they just have alot of friends?

Leithlurker Thu 15-Nov-12 22:16:07

NEWS AT ONE: On the hour round up of all news as it happens at each and every house number 1.

Golgafrincham Thu 15-Nov-12 23:05:47

Stargate Margate grin

Golgafrincham Thu 15-Nov-12 23:06:36

Sorry, should've given credit to my hubby for that one!

Bignorthernlass Thu 15-Nov-12 23:43:36

'that's my arse' a team of MPs try to distinguish which of a series of photos shows their own posterior.
If you liked this you'll love 'that's my elbow' a team of MPs...

SweetMingePie Thu 15-Nov-12 23:58:19

Hemmorhoidale - embarrassing bodies meets Yorkshire farmers

The OP, lashingsofbingeinghere, hasn't been on this thread since Monday - I wonder if she's aware of its runaway success and elevation to MN Classics?

lashings - if you're out there, coma and take a bow for starting such a great thread. thanks

<< rolls out red carpet and stands by with MNTV microphone and paparazzi >>

GetAllTheThings Fri 16-Nov-12 10:28:26

Squeeze my Spot
Contestants compete to squeeze a large spot on Ann Widicombes behind.

Spot my Squeeze
Contestants attempt to fathom who Liz Jones' 'rock star boyfriend' is.

Blind Date POF special
Contestants pick potential dates based on pictures of their willies.

Documentary : MN Towers
Ongoing insider view of MNHQ. This week sees the long awaited Gin delivery and exposes the link between MN going off-line whenever the toilet is flushed.

Who's Line is it Anyway With Charlie Sheen.
Contestants battle over the last line of Columbia's marching powder.

poppyhattie Sat 17-Nov-12 08:53:58

Biggest Boozer USA - Fat alcoholics drink themselves to death - the first one to die of liver failure wins.

poppyhattie Sat 17-Nov-12 08:55:34

In The Fright Garden Alice Cooper and Ozzy Osborne sing a soothing lullaby to the kiddies before Brian Blessed bellows "Someone's Not In Bed!"

poppyhattie Sat 17-Nov-12 08:58:25

Tales of the Unexpected - overworked exhausted parents come home to find the house clean, the kids in bed and dinner on the table.

ChessieFL Sat 08-Dec-12 19:19:19

Strictly Come Wanking

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