50 Shades of Mumsnet. A collaborative book.

(473 Posts)
TiggyD Fri 29-Jun-12 21:05:56

Bernard met Beverly.
"Hello Beverly" said Bernard.
"Hello Bernard" said Beverly.
All Beverly's clothes fell off. Bernard smacked Beverly on the bottom and put his winkie into her woo woo.
"Ooooh, ahhhh, mmmmm, thank you Bernard" Said Beverly. "That was very nice. Can we try fisting tomorrow?"
"Maybe" Said Bernard mysteriously.
Bernard went back home to await the plumber who was due at about half past four to sort out the problems with Bernard's toilet, although Bernard was pretty sure it was caused by his poor diet, he thought he'd get it checked anyway.
Beverly went back to her home and thought about all the fun she would get up to with Bernard in the future chapters, and to comb the dried semen from her hair.

Next chapter please...

Shouldn't she be called Sharon?

oh and be beaten on the bum with a wasp fly swatter?

AnnieArsehole Fri 29-Jun-12 21:33:57

Some naice ham should be involved some how...

Xales Fri 29-Jun-12 21:36:44

While the plumber was elbow deep rooting around to remove the compacted gregs sausage rolls and fruit shoot that had passed through Bernard's bowels, Bernard peered through the high powered night vision binoculars allowing him to peer directly into Beverly's bedroom.

Picking up his phone he text her to tell her to get rid of the grey oversized granny pants and decent norks sized over the boulder shoulder holder she was wearing.

Valpollicella Fri 29-Jun-12 21:38:17

The next day he intoduced her to blow jobs.

"Oh my!" as she swallowed his length without gagging. She was reminded of tge first time she downed a Fruit Shoot as he unravelled in her mouth.

SarahStratton Fri 29-Jun-12 21:38:50

When does she leave the bastard? hmm

Xales Fri 29-Jun-12 21:39:11

haha well we both used fruit shoots but yours is better Val grin

fivegomadindorset Fri 29-Jun-12 21:42:58

One night has to be spent in a bell tent.

Bernard began stalking Beverley at work, intimidating all her friends and saying erotic shit like 'I want to beat the shit out of you'. Naturally, she found this endearing and her inner goddess carried on square dancing around turnips. It was because he was fifty shades of fucked up, you see. Bless.

bignutbrownhair Fri 29-Jun-12 21:51:20

Here is as good as any place to ask:

Who is this Sharon that so many of you speak of at the moment?

TiggyD Fri 29-Jun-12 22:16:05

The next day Bernard and Beverly went camping.
Berverly brought her Bell tent. Bernard was surprisingly good with ropes and soon had everything spread out and staked to the ground.
"Is that good for you?" Bernard asked.
"Yes" said Beverly. "Nobody has ever got it up that fast for me before."
Bernard rummaged about in his carrier bag for the special erotic meal he had prepared. He slowly pulled out an extra long sausage roll causing all Beverly's clothes to fall off. Bernard slowly rubbed the sausage roll across Beverly's body covering her in grease and flaky bits. He slowly reached slowly into his bag again for a refreshing and healthy drink.
"Could you smack me on the bottom a bit?" Said Beverly.
Bernard gripped hard and squirted his Fruit Shoot onto his camping gas stove: The one with 2 burners but no grill. Bernard cursed not getting the more advanced model as he thought about the packet of 6 crumpets he had foolishly brought with him...

KatoPotato Fri 29-Jun-12 22:19:35

Bungle is so bossy!

NomNomingiaDePlum Fri 29-Jun-12 22:20:34

"his hair" Beverley sighed to her friend Jordan, "it's glorious, tumbling chestnut. just like a vampire"
"he's a narcissist" snapped Jordan in response "red flags? red flags, anyone?"
"night vision goggles" nodded the barmaid
"that thing with your mother" someone suggested from further along the bar
"i once went out with a billionaire who never brushed his hair" muttered the bouncer. "controlling? he had me in fucking cable ties. emotionally, i mean"
"but he's so lovely and rich and slim hipped, what can possibly go wrong?" wailed Beverley, while wondering if it would be okay for her to have another martini, or if she should get back home in case he called...

trixie123 Fri 29-Jun-12 22:26:04

he did call...to tell her to be sure to be naked when he got home, apart form her socks, which he wanted to see her remove, seductively.....

CJfromTheWestWing Fri 29-Jun-12 22:39:25

Her socks, he knew, would match the way his pants hung from his hips in that way.

Swoon, thought Beverley. Bernard, on seeing Beverley, decided he would try vanilla sex for the first time ever ever ever.

trixie123 Fri 29-Jun-12 22:43:07

but when he saw the glass vial the vanilla pod came in, he had a much better idea....

Teladi Fri 29-Jun-12 22:45:34

It was Friday night after all

Bernards desire for a new location led them to Centre Parcs. After a lot of flume ploughing it was finally Friday

picnicbasketcase Fri 29-Jun-12 22:53:44

Beverley heard the familiar sound of a foil packet being torn open as Bernard snuck up behind her. 'Ahh' she thought. 'He remembered the crisps this time.'

BabsJansen Fri 29-Jun-12 22:55:33

I do love a Pom bear she thought

trixie123 Fri 29-Jun-12 22:57:00

I wonder if he brought some nice organic homous too? What COULD we do with that?..

LadyBeagleEyes Fri 29-Jun-12 22:58:49

Brilliant thread grin
Oh my. Bites lip.

<marking place>

grin

picnicbasketcase Fri 29-Jun-12 23:01:20

Beverley's inner goddess yawned, stretched, bit her lip and bent over the folding camping table. There was throbbing going on all over the place, especially up her aphex twin.

BoysBoysBoysAndMe Fri 29-Jun-12 23:04:11

Perhaps Bernard brought some English Breakfast Tea too? Bag on the side.
Beverley's inner goddess pouted and thought of all the things she could do with hummus.....
Did I mention he was beautiful?

fluffywhitekittens Fri 29-Jun-12 23:04:32

Oh My, thought Beverly. I really should buy one of those Lakeland steam cleaners, this kitchen floor is filthy.
Just like that slim hipped lover of mine.

mayaswell Fri 29-Jun-12 23:05:22

'Get that fucking maxi dress off right now Beverly!' whispered Bernard viciously into her eager ear.' I've decided I want to use the Babyliss Big Hair on you tonight'
'Oh my fifty shades of farrow and ball' I thought. To myself. In my mind.

SirSugar Fri 29-Jun-12 23:07:02

Bernard makes Beverly do Dallas

picnicbasketcase Fri 29-Jun-12 23:08:58

*Obligatory email section*

To: Bernard@SeriouslyPowerfulEnterprises
From: Beverley@SomeMagazine

Can we do that thing with the marmalade again tonight? Biting my lip in anticipation of your smashing orangey bits.

Bev

herecomesthsun Fri 29-Jun-12 23:12:48

"Oh, leave the bastard" texted Beverley's BFF Jordan, who had never bothered to read 50 shades of whatever, but did spend an awful lot of time mumsnetting.

BoysBoysBoysAndMe Fri 29-Jun-12 23:15:21

"I can't leave him Jordan. My inner goddess would be soooo disappointed and I love feeling his fullness in my sex"

BigHairyFlowers Fri 29-Jun-12 23:15:58

It wouldn't be a mumsnet collaboration without a goat.

I do not want to know what happens to the poor goat.

Please spare the goat, Bernard!

YouGoonie Fri 29-Jun-12 23:18:49

Just woke DH up laughing at "please spare the goat Bernard"

bumbez Fri 29-Jun-12 23:22:38

Bev got busy with service washes and such like, ignoring Bernard's pleas to come with him on a goat.
She was busy and holy crap the flat was a mess, was she being unreasonable to expect Bernard to help her tidy up?

picnicbasketcase Fri 29-Jun-12 23:22:48

Bernard patted the goat, fed it some expensive pages of a classic British novel and sent it on its way.
'You're so kind and sensitive' purred Beverley from her sun lounger.
'I can be bad too, baby' growled Bernard seductively, his slacks hanging limply from his bony pelvis.

5inthebedPPA Fri 29-Jun-12 23:24:27

At 3am she awoke to the sound of Bernard bashing away on his Casio.
"what's that song, it is beautiful"
"chopsticks"

Should that be "Home Bernard, and don't spare the goats!"
With several hundred pounds worth of Lakeland's finest implements laid out on a tasteful Cath Kidston picnic blanket, Bernard felt himself coming to the boil as Beverley leaned seductively towards him, bit her lip, and said "Pom Bear anyone?"

picnicbasketcase Fri 29-Jun-12 23:29:27

'Why can't I touch you, Bernard?' pouted Beverley.
'You can, but only if you leave my back alone. I have this enormous pus filled spot and I haven't posted a picture of it for everyone yet'.

cocolepew Fri 29-Jun-12 23:35:22

Bernard looked at her in a way that made her sex pulse. He took of his slacks, his manhood looked so huge and scary next to his bony pelvis. Bev fleeting wondered if it suppossed to bend like that. But then she remembered...He was beautiful!

Then he took off his hair and folded it neatly.

"You've been a bad girl Bev" he lisped. "Eating grapes and not paying for them? Well suck on these plums!".

Shodan Fri 29-Jun-12 23:48:58

"Have they been pre-washed, Bernard?" Beverly stammered. Her inner goat aplorded applauddded clapped.

His beautiful organic chestnut hair quivered as he frowned.

"Beverly", he said quietly, sternly, provocatively and frowningly. "You are supposed to submit to me. Now I must punish you with this loo brush. What do you think, Beverly? Am I being unreasonable?

"^Oh my^", thought Beverly. "I'm so horny now."

poorbuthappy Fri 29-Jun-12 23:55:04

Bev poured Veet down the plug hole whilst Bernard moaned and spanked her with a toilet brush.

localcrackpot Fri 29-Jun-12 23:57:01

I nearly woke the baby laughing at chopsticks angry

Bev tucked a wisp of hair behind her ear and bit her, now bloody, lip. Bernard leaned over her. "We're like Heathcliffe and Cathy. I could destroy you. Or maybe you'll destroy me. But we can't be apart."
"If I died my ghost would follow you, Bernard. Follow you anywhere."
Bernard hitched up his trousers as they threatened to fall off his arse. "It's a nice idea, Bev, but I'm not at all woo."

EllenJaneisnotmyname Fri 29-Jun-12 23:57:20

'Not now, Bernard' called Beverley, 'I'm distracted by the tabs on the ends of the cling film box.'

'Mmmmm, cling film...' muttered Bernard.

cocolepew Fri 29-Jun-12 23:58:10

Hopefully after, Bernard would let her do a washine machine clean at 90 degrees. Beverly grew hot thinking about it.
She was sure there was an unopened packet of marigolds under the sink. bev quivered.

picnicbasketcase Sat 30-Jun-12 00:03:15

'Please put down the cling film,' implored Bernard erotically. 'You have to come over here and look at this expensive vase full of twigs and pebbly shit.'
'It's beautiful' gasped Beverley. 'you could probably do some kinky fuckery at me with both the twigs and stones, I expect.'

usualsuspect Sat 30-Jun-12 00:06:25

Bernard reached for the special scarf...

cocolepew Sat 30-Jun-12 00:07:03

Bernard waggled his eyebrows. God he was beautiful.

"just wait until you see what I have in mind for the the MN scarf when it comes".

cocolepew Sat 30-Jun-12 00:07:17

Ha!

Beverlys clothes fell to the laminate wood floor and Bernard bent Her over the pleather sofa

She had never noticed before how the clock was exactly in the middle of his mantlepiece.

There was still glass on the floor as sharon had not cleaned it up

cocolepew Sat 30-Jun-12 00:15:36

It was Friday night and Beverly knew what that meant.

Bent over the sofa she couldn't help but notice the way the pampas grass in the front garden swayed in time to Bernards thrusting.

Kowalski Sat 30-Jun-12 00:15:55

But this was soon forgotten when beverley saw the horse peering over next door's fence...

usualsuspect Sat 30-Jun-12 00:18:46

Her converse lay abandoned,flung off with her boden dress

localcrackpot Sat 30-Jun-12 00:21:20

"I will give you a clothing budget. You will need suitable attire to accompany in public. I am trusting you with this. I will be very. disappointed. indeed if you come back with a waterfall cardigan and Capri pants."

MrJudgeyPants Sat 30-Jun-12 00:24:21

"How did the Pombear get up there?" asked Bernard to no one in particular whilst spanking the goat like a bongo player with Parkinson’s.

"He definitely has issues" thought Beverly... "But he's so handsome."

He led her out to his purpose built sex shed. The mumsnetter next door peered through her net curtains, again wondering what was in that bloody shed that required it be hidden behind such a huge fence...

usualsuspect Sat 30-Jun-12 00:26:07

Bernard looked her in the eyes and whispered ,shall we go up the oxo tower

Kowalski Sat 30-Jun-12 00:38:02

"Ok" said Beverley, "as long as we can bring the goat"

cocolepew Sat 30-Jun-12 00:42:11

"Then maybe Center Parks" she whispered in a sexy croak.

Bernard scowled.

Beverlys sex pinged.

Kowalski Sat 30-Jun-12 01:01:24

"But do they allow goats in Center Parcs?" wondered Beverley aloud. Bernard rolled his eyes. "For the love of God woman, leave the sodding goat behind!" he exclaimed.

cocolepew Sat 30-Jun-12 01:10:59

Beverly loved it when Bernard was masterful.

Beverlys sex winked.

Napdamnyou Sat 30-Jun-12 01:43:49

'I.must.have.you.' growled Bernard, his trousers tenting like the Oxo tower as he bent her over the hostess trolley, grabbing a handful of twigs from the stone marble vase. He thrashed them against her quivering cheeks as her sex sobbed with satisfaction, wetly. Taking an ornamental pebble from the granite fireplace, he thrust it between her lips. Her fingers splayed against the mantelpiece, and her knees buckled as she came apart like a hot wash cycle.

Beverly lay sated on the floor.Bernard pulled her to the floor his trousers sloping down to reveal his silky crab ladder.

"Beverly" he murmer throatily, as he stood like a T-Rex "Beverly, I want you to punch me"

"twat" said Beverly and floored him with a bag of frozen mixed peppers. As Beverly went to see if the White Stuff sale had started, Bernard writhed in ecstasy amongst the, mostly green, frozen peppers.

Beverly bought some naice ham. Watching the meat hang limply from her fingers in that way, she bit her lips and was thrust into the throes of orgasm. Again.

GetDressed Sat 30-Jun-12 07:24:31

Holy shit my fifty shades is hot. They were back in the shed. Bernard pinged Bev's bra off. She carefully pulled down his slacks and he sprung out to greet her sex. He tweaked her nipples and told her to shout "naice ham". At that moment of their simultaneous peaking, the fireworks went off down the road. Shweet though Bernard, my bag of weed has made it to my dealer. He pulled up his slacks and left Bev and her inner goddess lying on a blow up mattress.

5inthebedPPA Sat 30-Jun-12 07:27:11

Later that day Bernard asked her if she had ever experienced the MN haircut to which she replied "no", biting her lip, so dragged her into the bathrom. Eyeing up the toilet brush he started getting all sorts of ideas.

bumbez Sat 30-Jun-12 07:37:57

Her hair was bad, very naughty, it needed sorting out and pronto. "Tame your locks with a Brazilian blow dry and then use only shampoo that has no salt "he growled.

bumbez Sat 30-Jun-12 07:41:25

Her inner goddes was cross she liked her hair and was beginning to wish he would fuck off to the far side of fuck , but his beautiful bony pelvis distracted her so she yielded let again to his throbbing length.

helips Sat 30-Jun-12 07:42:54

He tied her hair back with an old scrunchy he happened to have, 'oh my' though Beverly biting her lip. 'are you hungry?' Bernard asked with a wicked glint in his eye. 'actually, I'm still full from the naice ham and pom pom bears we had earlier' replied Beverly...

NonnoMum Sat 30-Jun-12 07:43:02

Bev visited Bernard at Bernard's Big Business emporium, downtown, complete with marble and blonde receptionists.
"Is everyone who works for him blonde?" mused Bev.
Then she saw an African-American come out of the lift.
"Thank goodness for tokenism in mummy-porn," muttered Bev to herself.

helips Sat 30-Jun-12 07:46:46

She walked into his office, tripping over her mumsnet boots...

Psammead Sat 30-Jun-12 07:52:18

50 Shades Of Mumsnet - The musical - After The Passion Subsided

Let's do it

picnicbasketcase Sat 30-Jun-12 07:55:47

Beverley couldn't help but wonder why all seventy of Bernard's blonde receptionists had their hair in plaits and spent their whole day kneeling on the powerful marble floor , looking down demurely with their hands clasped. She really should ask one of them, she supposed. Her musings abruptly ended when she tripped over her own Crocs and landed face down in a powerful potted plant.

Bev wandered into his office and spied his laptop on his desk. She quickly went over to it and the screen jumped to life. Biting her lip, she quickly dismissed any thoughts that this might not be a good idea, afterall she had his best interests at heart. Her fingers flew across the keyboard as she typed in the web address for Boden. She was certain that cable knit cardy would just bring their lovelife back to the heated simering passion which it once was. Whilst she was there also downloqded all financial records afterall a girl has to protect herself!

KatoPotato Sat 30-Jun-12 08:28:33

'Oh my lord!' exclaimed Beverly to her own inner goddess... 'That's the third day in a row next door have parked their huge white Honda CRV just past my dropped kerb... But then she but her lip as Bernard Kumon all over her swishy big hair...

helips Sat 30-Jun-12 09:33:39

Beverly felt anxious, she and Bernard had not had sex for 3 hours and she'd only had 7 orgasms that day. 'he's going off me' she wailed to her best friend. 'Oh get a grip' said bezzy mate Tracey rolling her eyes, which only made Beverly think of Bernard more. Oh my, she thought biting her lip, if only he were here now with his pants hanging off his hips just so, what she would do to him. 'Come on' said Tracey, lets nip down to tescos in your brand new 4x4, I hear they are doing a special offer in Vanilla Ben n Jerrys...

TiggyD Sat 30-Jun-12 09:36:04

Should we turn this into a film first or a musical. Maybe we should do the film, then turn the film into a musical, then do a film of the musical!

Actors for the role of Bernard:
Jude law?
David Tennant?
Brian Blessed?
John Travolta?

Actresses for Beverly:
Judy Dench?
Katie Holmes?
Bella Emburg if alive?
Holly Willybe?

cocolepew Sat 30-Jun-12 09:43:07

Beverly bit her lip as Bernard bit into a Grggs sausage roll.

Beverlys sex wept.

Later that night they were going to a charity ball. It was to raise miney so goats could have their own 56" tellys. Beverly sighed, Bernard may have been an all powerful business man with a perchant for twigs and pom bears, but he had his softer side too. Bev thought she was in love and daydreamed whether she should wear tights or leggings with her brand new Per Una outfit.

Her new MN scarf would need a quick wash. It was still crusty with hur love juices and and the fruit shoot that Bernard had spilled in it.

Beverlys sex sighed and bit its lip.

fluffywhitekittens Sat 30-Jun-12 09:59:45

Oh My, thoughtBev, what can I wear to this charity ball? She hastily perused the contents of her wardrobe.
The jumpsuit maybe? Would Bernard approve?

EnjoyResponsibly Sat 30-Jun-12 10:22:43

As they left Beverlys flat, Bernard proffered some bicycle clips to put round the legs of her jumpsuit.

That'll stop the balls escaping if they drop out during the evening. He growled . Powerfully. You might get a bit worked up during the Heads and Tails game.

Bev bit her lip, certain the balls were meant to be small and silver, not green fuzzy Dunlops from Bernards tennis bag.

Beverlys inner goddess whipped up an Anabel Karmel mac n cheese.

Nothing so far has made me remotely interested in reading the book...until this thread. Mn at its best!

fluffywhitekittens Sat 30-Jun-12 10:55:34

As they pulled up outside the sandstone and marble venue Bernard carelessly parked in a parent and child parking space.
Beverly was timidly about to comment when the look in his eye caused her to stop.
"I'm rich Beverly, and powerful," he growled, flicking his chestnut fringe out of his masterful grey eyes, "I can park wherever I damn well please."
As he tweaked her nipples through the Polyester she surrendered herself fully to his control.

cocolepew Sat 30-Jun-12 11:01:10

Beverly was a bit concerned that her new Footglove shoes were chafing. She mentioned it to Bernard who got a glint in his eye and a tent in his trousers. It must have been the use of the word chafe thought Beverly breatlessly.

Fleetingly Beverly thought about the fact that she and Bernard never really had a proper conversation. Best mate Tracey banged on about this a lot.

Then Bev realised she was being a sily girl. Just look how handsome Bernard was.
And Tracey probably was a lesbian.

She bit her lip as her sex somersaulted.

picnicbasketcase Sat 30-Jun-12 11:27:00

As her sex performed a stunning dismount from the high beam, Beverley bit her lip and had a small subconscious argument with her inner goddess, who was being a complete butt plug today. As Beverley pondered upon whether it was strictly normal to have so many personalities that all argued with each other, her sex twanged again and she forgot herself all over the masterful persian rug.

Bernard entered the room, roughly, from behind.

Napdamnyou Sat 30-Jun-12 12:11:14

'I.Must.Have.You. You.Are.Mine' he ejaculated breathlessly, inserting a mobile phone shaped like a platinum butt plug complete with a small tracking device into her downy entrance. Bev wondered whether she should have bleached herself Down There but soon forgot this passing thought as her sex exploded and her orgasm juddered through her like a hot maintenence wash through an empty dishwasher.

'Now I can ring your ring' he growled into her growler. Bev's inner goodess stopped watching 'America's Most Wanted Stalkers' and simpered naively instead.

AfternoonDelight Sat 30-Jun-12 12:22:49

"Bernard entered the room, roughly, from behind."

I just snorted my coffee grin

Sephiroth Sat 30-Jun-12 12:54:24

"hhmm, how to find the perfect gift.." Bev glanced around the toy shop until here eyes alighted on the perfect gift.

A Lego Millennium Falcon, it was second hand, grubby.... dirty

She shivered in anticipation

All that was needed was an old pe kit bag, some bio washing powder and a cool cycle in the washing machine

Her inner Goddess rollypollied around her lady garden at the thought of the kinky fuckery .

ItsAllGoingToBeFine Sat 30-Jun-12 13:00:15

Looking down at her knotted fingers she bit her lip.

Remembering Bernard sniffing her apex, she realised a trip to the loft to retrieve the dead mouse was in order.

(italics) oh my, the loft, what kinkery fuckery we could do (/italics)

Kveta Sat 30-Jun-12 13:14:17

"Bernard entered the room, roughly, from behind."

also snorting of beverages through nose here grin

this thread is inspired grin

Sephiroth Sat 30-Jun-12 13:14:42

"ah fuck Beverley baby" yelled Bernard as he came noisily inside her.

His hot body lay heavily over her momentarily before he eased himself off and wandered out of the room "laters baby.." he whispered

Beverley fumed silently and wondered whether this separate rooms lark was a ruse to get him out of sleeping in the wet patch...

Bernard took Beverley to Waitrose so they could buy some naice ham and whipped cream for this evenings kinky fuckery.

She couldn't reach the shelf with the naice ham on so he growled at her masterfully to move aside. He stretched for the ham and she glimpsed at his pants that were hanging just nicely on his hips and had to urge to spank him thoroughly with a baguette.

Her sex wept with sadness as she thought, "That could never happen in Waitrose, next time we should go to ASDA"

yellowraincoat Sat 30-Jun-12 13:35:30

Beverly approached the self checkout, licking her lips in delight.

She scanned the ham and slid it into a plastic bag. It crinkled delightfully and reminded her of her own glistening sex.

Picking up the cream, it suddenly exploded around Bernard.

"oh my," she sighed.

picnicbasketcase Sat 30-Jun-12 13:42:32

The supermarket checkout supervisor walked over to Bev and Bernard and had only just opened her mouth to berate them about the cream spillage when she noticed Bernard's powerful chestnut hair and expensive hips. She immediately fell to her knees and whispered 'How may I serve you today Master?'
Bev felt shocked, appalled, horrified, slender, brunette and erotic. Her apex twitched slightly and started doing a maypole dance with her inner goddess.

BetterOnACamel Sat 30-Jun-12 13:52:01

This is genius. I love you all. MN FTW.

Napdamnyou Sat 30-Jun-12 13:52:18

Loading the stuff into an expensive car, Bernard laughed erotically as he strapped Beverley into her seatbelt. He reversed out of the parent and child space, knocking over a wheelchair user and speeding off down the road without indicating.

'He's so rich and masterful! Normal rules don't apply!' giggled Bev as she squirmed against the tight harness of the seat belt. Her sex oozed and throbbed as he pushed his finger into her mouth.

'Next time we will take my helicopter' promised Bernard, unwrapping a foil packet and sliding a condom over his twitching length. Bev mounted the gearstick, bucking ecstatically as they pulled up at a junction.

KatoPotato Sat 30-Jun-12 14:00:49

...when they got back to Bernard's magnificent sandstone office building, the damned Honda CRV was still parked opposite the dropped kerb. 'oh my god' Bev shuddered, as she Kumon in her pants.

EnjoyResponsibly Sat 30-Jun-12 14:04:56

Then DISASTER STRUCK!!!

Bev was KIDNAPPED!!!

She and her Inner Goddess were super put out, but totes aroused about what Bernard would do next. Powerfully.

picnicbasketcase Sat 30-Jun-12 14:12:22

As luck would have it, Bev had had plenty of experience wearing blindfolds and being tied up.. But she was a strong feisty independent woman with a man who bought her cars and oysters and she wasn't going to take this lying down.
'Let me go, immediately.' she commanded. 'My boyfriend's got a freakin helicopter and he's going to be powerfully cross with you. One swivel of his snakelike hips and you'll be overcome by his masterfulness.'

KatoPotato Sat 30-Jun-12 14:14:52

...she just hoped his grey jogging bottoms (that sit *that way*) wouldn't fall down... Or did she?

Her inner goddess was furious, they were due to go to feather down farm with the goat and she just ahd to get there for such a mighty tent errection after all they had managed to blackmail the owner into screwing over someone elses booking so they could have the tent near to the stream all to themselves.

Fluffycloudland77 Sat 30-Jun-12 14:56:01

I am crying with laughter, Please put this in classics.

Napdamnyou Sat 30-Jun-12 15:34:59

'I might have been kidnapped but I must go to the ball, think of the goats!'mused Beverley, scrolling through Per Una Speziale selection. Her butt plug tracking device vibrated, as Bernard burst through the door, his pants hanging off in that way. Tripping over his pants, he skidded to a halt before her, cream dripping from his organic locks and ginger happy trail.

'Kidnapped eh? Lucky I'm a stalker or I'd never have found you tied up in your ex boss's underground lair' he foamed. 'Neither of you will be able to sit down for a week.'

picnicbasketcase Sat 30-Jun-12 15:44:49

'Oh please don't be angry with me' implored Bev. 'Just take a deep breath, come home with me and have a cup of expensive coffee made by your curiously unjudgmental housekeeper. Presumably she must dust the Red Room of Kinky Fuckery, I'm surprised she hasn't handed in her notice, cos polishing dildos shouldn't really come under her job description.'

With superhuman effort, Bernard got his screwed up emotions under control.

'You just don't get it Bev. When I thought your life might be indanger, my fullness got all scared that it might never bury itself in your sex again and feel it all exploding around it like a firework in a cheescake factory.'

loopylou6 Sat 30-Jun-12 15:50:13

And now I have a twitchy palm God dammit bernad hissed the words through his teeth and Bev felt her sex moisten, her inner goddess squealed with glee, she ripped off her knickers and had ten million orgasms without Bernard even touching her hot twitching cunt, it was just the way those pants hung...

fridakahlo Sat 30-Jun-12 15:53:43

They made it home and as they were lying on bed that evening, Bernard pulled out a paper bag that rustled in the most enticing way.
As the sausage roll appeared, Beverly yawned and flicked on the tv "Not now, Bernard, TOWIE is on".
Bernard flung down the sausage roll and stormed off, muttering "I'm off to shave the goat".

Bleeeeaaaat!!!!! Went the goat. Wondering why the low slacked man insisted on kinky shaving fuckeryness when it was trying to watch its flat screen 56" tv.

QueenFuri Sat 30-Jun-12 16:01:34

This is the funniest thing I have ever read I'm crying with laughter! grin

Zhaghzhagh Sat 30-Jun-12 16:03:24

Beverly looked at the sausage roll, was tempted, but wondered if it was a Gregs or not. She only likes Gregs. She realised was being unreasonable but decided not to chance it.

Zhaghzhagh Sat 30-Jun-12 16:04:18

oops sorry, I've cocked it up.

Said Bernard, recocking the sausage roll so this time, Beverly throbbed.

cocolepew Sat 30-Jun-12 16:11:37

..the goats ass" shouted Bernard from the other room.
Beverly sighed, she had wanted the sausage roll for for pre sex nibbles. But now she didnt fancy it covered in goat smeg and fur.

cocolepew Sat 30-Jun-12 16:12:10

(too slow)

Napdamnyou Sat 30-Jun-12 16:17:44

'Enough television!' huffed Bernard, controllingly. 'You need to eat.'

Snapping her into a pair of handcuffs, he tied her ankles to the glass coffee table. Crumbling the sausage roll onto her nipples, he stroked her clitoris with a slice of nice ham. His fingers plunged into a tub of Ben and Jerrys and then massaged her crevices, masterfully.

'i thought you wanted me to eat? I've been fasting for the last 8 chapters?' murmured Bev, before an orgasm ripped through her like a tornado in North London, and tangerines belched across the laminate floor.

noddyholder Sat 30-Jun-12 16:18:53

He put up that shelf he had been promising for months and her dress fell to the floor..

picnicbasketcase Sat 30-Jun-12 16:32:24

Oh my thought Bev as the dress and tangerines collided with all the force of an alligator on steroids rollerblading into a powerful lake. The shelf glistened temptingly. 'I must buy one of those silver letter ornaments that spell out 'home' or 'dream' or 'apex', Bernard. Remind me next time we go out shopping for a new Audi, I can pop into Ikea.'

cocolepew Sat 30-Jun-12 16:35:08

Bernard glared masterfully and whiped out a bag. Inside were letters. He arranged them artfully.

FUCK

SEX

GOAT
and

POM.

Beverlys sex danced

Napdamnyou Sat 30-Jun-12 16:43:06

She reached for him, yearningly, despite wearing handcuffs.

'Don't touch me anywhere apart from my thrusting length!' warned Bernard. 'Despite years of therapy, I can't bear it. There's an everywhere-but-my-hosepipe ban.'

'What if I wear marigolds?' cooed Bev, as her inner goddess slipped into scrubs and cavorted round her sterile theatre of her subconscious. 'After all, there's a first time for everything, and you managed to tie me up in a dungeon and spank me twenty minutes after I thought of sex for the first time in all my 21 years...'

picnicbasketcase Sat 30-Jun-12 16:44:01

'Now if we can figure out a way of combining all of those things, I will be happier than a submissive on a speedboat', said Bev wistfully. Bernard flapped a packet of Pom Bears erotically in her direction and her arousal got up, danced the Macarena and made insulting hand gestures at passers by.

The goat looked alarmed and fled.

Kveta Sat 30-Jun-12 16:46:11

grin at "everywhere-but-my-hosepipe ban"

Housemum Sat 30-Jun-12 16:50:31

Bernard tousled his copper locks, then swept his hair back with a dashing bandana. I bit my lip expectantly (damn, my mouth looks like I've been in a fight with Mike Tyson, what is all this lip biting???) as he announced, "oo-arr, my lighthouse is tingling". I couldn't wait for his ship to be a-docking, my first experience of pirate sex.

cocolepew Sat 30-Jun-12 16:52:39

"come" said Bernard striding manfully across the room.
Beverlys sex did.

Shodan Sat 30-Jun-12 16:52:56

Beverly's Oh My twitched at the sight of the erotically-waved Pombears. Suddenly Bernard frowned, his artfully chiselled mouth pressing into a thin line.

"Beverly," he enquired softly but menacingly "Are you wearing White Stuff?"

"No," she gasped. "The only White Stuff I wear is yours. Sir. "

"Do you know what this means?" he asked.

Beverly's inner goat danced the rumba and was awarded an eight by Craig Revel Horwood.

cocolepew Sat 30-Jun-12 16:56:04

"Are we looking for the goat?"

"Fuck the goat" shouted Bernard

"But you already did" trembled Beverly.

"We are going for a ride".

Bernards manhood waggled and Beverly gasped. Where could they be going?

squeakytoy Sat 30-Jun-12 16:59:25

Beverley however, was not happy. After secretly checking Bernards mobile phone and emails, she was very unhappy to find a series of exchanges between him and his mothers next door neighbour, Mrs Robinson.

picnicbasketcase Sat 30-Jun-12 17:02:03

'Beverly. I've been meaning to ask you for quite some time', started Bernard tyrannically. 'What is your favourite biscuit? I can have one of my blonde minions go out and buy us some to incorporate into our love squeezings.'

'I've always loved ginger nuts', said Beverly querulously.

'What a stroke of luck' said Bernard, his auburn pubes waving in the breeze.

kellykateneedsaholiday Sat 30-Jun-12 17:02:05

Bernard looked at her in that way, watched her bite her bottom lip, chucked his bottle of Bucky away and said seductively "gies a swatch of your funny"
Bev was so wet she slid of the chair onto him and gasped "your so sexy, gies a shag"

kellykateneedsaholiday Sat 30-Jun-12 17:03:18

That should read fanny not funny doh

picnicbasketcase Sat 30-Jun-12 17:08:07

'But never mind all of this talk about biscuits and fannies Bernard. What's going on between you and Mrs Robinson? I know she seduced you when you were an impressionable teenager, but why is she sending you these messages full of euphemisms?

'They're not euphemisms Beverly, she really does want me to come and have a good look through her briefs. She's in something of a legal tangle.'

Charlene1 Sat 30-Jun-12 17:08:24

Beverley leafed through the Avon book, wondering if she should buy the 50 shades of grey eyeshadow palette, as there was a free gift of men's moisturiser with it. She thought of smearing the silky cream all over Bernard - "AIBU" she wondered "to think a man should have soft skin when he is writhing about on me, as I don't want chafing marks left on me?" She wondered whether to post about it on MN, but then carried on to the special offer on paddle brushes, as that would be more useful for him to spank her with. smile

cocolepew Sat 30-Jun-12 17:11:12

Beverly knew that he could help Mrs R with her problem. But how would MrsR be able to contain her growing lustfulness so clise to Bernard.

Beverly was confused. Was this yet another new emotion envy?

Bev crept downstairs in the middle of the night to start a thread

"its been 5 weeks since my ad and my inner goddess is a bit tender...could I be?"
She had unanimous responses of JUST POAS
Beg bit her lip and rolled her eyes

Genius. Have not laughed so much for ages. I ( bites lip) fucking love MN.

HarrietJonez Sat 30-Jun-12 17:20:31

Pmsl at the sex shed with a huge fence!

NonnoMum Sat 30-Jun-12 17:24:55

tornado through North London

Your inner-comic-goddess just made me larf and larf and larf...

And orgasm.

picnicbasketcase Sat 30-Jun-12 17:30:43

'Beverly. Stop rolling your eyes around like that. One of these days they're going to passionately fall out of your head onto my expensive marble floor.' commanded Bernard. 'And you'd better not be pregnant. My anaconda will not stand for it.'

'F'nar' thought Beverly briefly. She had some serious thinking to do. She knew what she had to do. She must talk to Jose. He hadn't been mentioned thus far and must be feeling very neglected and about to turn into a wolf, probably.

What the fuck, your minge shock gasped Bernard after finding his release in her for the umpteenth time that day.

After the muscles in her vagine had stopped clenching, Beverly wiped herself down with a spermy sex towel.

cocolepew Sat 30-Jun-12 17:43:50

Bernsrd shouted at her "put the spermy yowel in a hot wash and font gorget to do my wank mitten as well!"

He purposely strode around his tastefully decorated apartment with no purpose.

berryfreeze Sat 30-Jun-12 17:44:11

Brilliant grin

cocolepew Sat 30-Jun-12 17:44:40

Oops fat fingers (fnar)

picnicbasketcase Sat 30-Jun-12 17:49:33

Beverly quickly looked through the contract she'd signed (quietly and without it mentioned anywhere in the above story) about what Bernard expected from her. There was no mention of sex towels, wank mittens or even erotically charged jerk socks. It was most remiss of Bernard to leave these details out. Maybe he was fallible after all.

'Someone mention a phallus?' growled Bernard, whipping it out and seductively draping it over Bev's shoulder like a mink stole.

Bernard hated being without a purpose, having no purpose made him angry, the goat was not enough, without a purpose he'd HDD to punch a porpoise. The thought made him hard. He bent Beverly over the goat and took her to new heights of kinky fuckery.

HDD = have [autocorrect] <<orgasms>>

cocolepew Sat 30-Jun-12 17:56:26

Beverly was growing tired off staying in the artfuly decorated apartment. as much as she loved the twiggy shit anf being taken up the oxo tower every second of the day. something was misding

Why didnt Bernard take her out much? Was he ashamed of her?

Her sex wilted ever so slightly.

FreakoidOrganisoid Sat 30-Jun-12 18:10:39

As he took beverley roughly over the goat his fingers found her 'oh my!' there and she moaned. His other hand tweaked one nipple roughly and his extendable neck allowed him to take the other into his burning mouth and suckle it. His third hand stroked her legs to the apex of her thighs whilst his fourth slowly moved a butt plug in and out of her aching rear while he was at the same time banging her hard from behind. She felt the familiarquickening deep inside her, 'oh god Bernard, oh goat, oh goat' she screamed as she exploded around his sex

yellowraincoat Sat 30-Jun-12 18:15:52

lol at "took her up the oxo tower"

cocolepew Sat 30-Jun-12 18:23:09

now can we go to Nandos?" Beverly whined.

TiggyD Sat 30-Jun-12 18:35:16

The next day Bernard went to his special sex flat that had special sex rooms for sexing people. Time to prepare for Beverly's visit. The Philip Schofield room was where he enjoyed his passion for spanky hanky panky. The leather clad examination bed was in the centre. On the wall behind there was a St Andrew's cross, spanking bench, exercise bike hung with clothes, violet wand and accessories, chocolate fountain, a shelf containing boxed sets of Howard's Way and Triangle, picture of tennis player with an itchy arse, and his mum who was just buffing his dildos.
He said goodbye to his mother and laid out tonight's' special sex equipment on the sex table next to the bed:
Some sausage rolls
Squirty cream
Sponge fingers
5 kinds of humus
and some Veet Not-For-Bollocks.
Bernard realised he must have accidently swapped shopping lists with somebody during the kerfuffle when he parked in a parent-child bay earlier.
Bernard wondered who was currently searching Tescos for pallet wrap and nipple clamps...

MikeLitoris Sat 30-Jun-12 18:37:44

At 3am she awoke to the sound of Bernard bashing away on his Casio.
"what's that song, it is beautiful"
"chopsticks"

I actually peed a little! shock

picnicbasketcase Sat 30-Jun-12 18:38:12

'Yes, but only because it gives me the opportunity to make comments about breasts, thighs, maybe even stuffing and to demand that you suck my fingers afterwards.' replied Bernard haughtily.

'Are you ashamed of me? You never take me out in Bravo Alfa November Golf anymore', said Beverly, referring to Bernard's mighty hovercraft that he kept moored in Cannes.

ThePathanKhansWitch Sat 30-Jun-12 18:38:20

and a mooncup. As he pondered, he bit his lip, in a manly sexy way.

NoLogo Sat 30-Jun-12 18:40:22

"Only after you have bent over Beverly" commanded Bernard masterfully.

Beverly did as she was bid and he slipped a couple of scotch eggs he'd gotten earlier from the petrol station (Ginsters brand, 'cos he's a millionaire) up her womanly chuff.

Now go and get me a fruit shoot he commanded, his lovely slacks billowing like a marquee, no less, with his cheesy tumescence.

NoLogo Sat 30-Jun-12 18:45:16

Beverley was so aroused, she squelched like a slug to the kitchen, leaving silvery trails in her wake.

BonkeyMollocks Sat 30-Jun-12 18:47:42

Beverley couldn't help feeling like a chicken with eggs in her chuff.

dementedma Sat 30-Jun-12 18:50:33

crying with laughter - absolutely brilliant!

picnicbasketcase Sat 30-Jun-12 18:53:51

Beverly didn't think she could take the feeling of fullness up her sex much longer without some release. The breadcrumbs and sausage meat were tickling her apex like nobody's business.

'Bernard', she whispered. 'Come here and do me like you've never done me before.

'Very well, my sweet' he replied. 'I'll fetch the custard while you slip into the broccoli costume.'

NoLogo Sat 30-Jun-12 18:54:18

A Chicken with eggs up her chuff, but a big pulsating cock in the boudoir.

As she waddled towards Bernard, he pole-vaulted with his enormous stiffy across the bedroom toward her.

MattSmithIsMine Sat 30-Jun-12 19:03:51

Slowly she slid the stockings down, ever so carefully she took off the silk cami, and stood back and looked at Bernard in all his glory.

'Now it's my turn to get undressed' she whispered.

She seductively rolled down her spanx with a sexy thap thap sound.

BonkeyMollocks Sat 30-Jun-12 19:06:48

The 'thap thap' sound turned Bernard on so much he could feel his palm twitching...

NoLogo Sat 30-Jun-12 19:08:13

She bit her lips, then licked them, "I'm really looking forward to Nandos tonight Bernard".

picnicbasketcase Sat 30-Jun-12 19:12:28

'What's the use of your palm twitching, I want to see your other exciting twitchy bits. You'd think by now I'd want to go home to my own modest apartment and have some wine with my witty and urbane photographer and journalist friends, but you're like an addiction.'

'Baby' murmured Bernard, sounding a bit like Barry White. 'tonight I'm going to take you to the very limits of physical painpleasureness.'

And with those words, he slung his cape around him and led her slowly to the newly decorated Forest Green Room of Fuck.

Beverley's breath hitched as she walked into the Green Room of Fuck. Afterall the Red room of pain was one thing but this was taking it to a whole new level.

Bernard slowly unzipped her tasteful navy shift dress wot she had borrowed off her bezzy mate.

cocolepew Sat 30-Jun-12 19:45:23

....Tracey the Lezzie. She hoped therr wasnt any lezza love juices on it. That would just be distasteful.
The thought quickly left her head as Bernard salted her clitty flap ready to eat the scotch eggs.

droves Sat 30-Jun-12 19:46:22

Bernard grin , as he drank some wine . Bev was pissed off and bit her lip .
He didn't even offer her a brew . Just stood there like the masochist he was. Staring at her biscuit biscuit .

He promised to take her out .
They drove in the hugely expensive car to the penguin sanctuary , where they waited on Bernard's mystery txter .

droves Sat 30-Jun-12 19:50:25

The mystery txter never appeared , much to Bernard's disappointment , but bev was sure she could see a woman standing behind a wall , crying with laughter whilst simultaneosly biting her lip , and also waving a big shiny crazy diamond .

Bernard came as he stared at the penguins .

Then asked if he could take one home . He was bored with the goat .

cocolepew Sat 30-Jun-12 19:54:16

"Penguins make me horny" snarled Bernard. He p-p-picked up Beverly and inserted his pole.

puffyankles Sat 30-Jun-12 20:00:40

Beverly bit her lip and part of it fell off.

"Bernard" she lisped, "I am turning into a zombie. Let's make a plan".
The thought of chunks falling off gave Bernard the extreme horn.

"I'm going to spank your bottom with your own arm" he said, disarmingly.

CherryBlossom27 Sat 30-Jun-12 20:03:19

Yucky but so funny grin

Bernard gazed at Beverly with his penetrating eyes. He had two penetrating eyes, one penetrating eye on the right, one on the left.

Beverly felt Bernard penetrating eyes penetrate her.

She felt....penetrated.

droves Sat 30-Jun-12 20:11:01

Bev bit what little of her face she had left , whilst bernard rammed her hard with the arm.

Sighing as she glanced around , noticing a Pedlers catalogue . Her foofa quivered , as she saw a 6 foot stuffed moose with purple antlers holding a keep calm sign amongst the forbidden pages.

Disappointed at Bernard's efforts she grabbed his iPhone before he had the chance to shove it up again , and suggested they google dragonbutter .

Bernard quivered and dropped the arm with shock .

Milngavie Sat 30-Jun-12 20:11:59

Bernard had an OFRS in high gleaming, marble and sandstone office. One of the blonde minons was charged with keeping it safe and accessible.

The OFRS had emergency paddles, pallet tape, clingfilm, ties and nipple clamps in its dark depths.

Bernard was slick with horn at the thought of the emergency supplies, he masterfully bundled Bev into the helicopter to collect the OFRS.

Bev oggled at his slacks hanging from his hips, his erection plain to see through the cloth.

ColinFirthsGirth Sat 30-Jun-12 20:14:11

but Beverly reached down into the penguin enclosure and pulled out a dead fish. "Spank me with this instead Bernard" she said in a breathless voice. Just the thought of that fishy aroma made her sex throb.

Bernard spanked her all over with the turbot.

droves Sat 30-Jun-12 20:16:18

The turbots sex trobed ... The penguin quivered , then ran away as Bernard's eyes penetrated its glistening , wet feathers .

cheeseandpineapple Sat 30-Jun-12 20:16:21

Suddenly it was too much for Bev and she announced they were going home.

They got home and Bev put on the tea for a nice cuppa. "Forget the tea" said Bernard, "if it's some hot wet stuff you're after, I can sort you out."

"To be honest, Bernard," said Bev stifling a yawn, "I really just fancy a cup of tea and a chocolate finger"

"I can chocolate finger you" said Bernard.

"To be honest Bernard, I'm kind of tiring of all this. Can we just have a nice cuppa, watch the box and have an early nice without any of this hanky panky. How about we just have some of these lovely long delicate chocolate fingers?"

Bernard was disappointed but realised he needed to compromise.

He grabbed a handful of chocolate biscuits, shoved them up his arse and waved his butt in Bev 's face. "help yourself to chocolate fingers, Bev, with extra chocolate..."

Bev hesitated. Could she really do this?

Fate intervened, pressure building up in Bernard's gut from the makeshift butt plug could be contained no longer, the chocolate fingers exploded from Bernard's arse and rained over Bev.

"For god sake Bernard, what a bloody waste of chocolate fingers, fortunately I've got a chocolate orange left over from Xmas but don't be getting any ideas about that you dirty git."

droves Sat 30-Jun-12 20:18:57

Bev noticed a cube of poo that had escaped from the finger- butt plug explosion.

perplexedpirate Sat 30-Jun-12 20:20:15

'Chopsticks'

FFS. My face hurts with laughing so much.

Overcooked Sat 30-Jun-12 20:25:26

Things started to go wrong, Bernard broke the precious bobble plate when trying to spank her with a little too hard, he tried too many times to take her up the wrong un and he began to make disparaging comments about her mumsnetting too much.

Artesia Sat 30-Jun-12 20:36:09

Beverly rolled her eyes at his disparaging comments. Bernard's palm began to twitch. Beverly bit her lip and asked "Am I being unreasonable Bernard?". "I don't think we need to ask mumsnet, do we?" growled Bernard, as he pulled her roughly over his knee and spanked her with an empty fruit shoot bottle.

Beverly's sex quivered as she heard a familiar ripping sound "Yipee" shouted her inner godness "Bernard's filling a party bag for me"

LeB0F Sat 30-Jun-12 20:42:22

Beverly trembled as she recalled the last party he had forced her to attend, mindful the whole night that his was the only supersoaker at the event, and he would be compelled to use it.

NowThenWreck Sat 30-Jun-12 20:46:44

After the fruit shoot spanking, Bernard got up, his muscled body glistening in the moonlight, and assumed the pose of a Tyrannosaurus Rex.
Beverly hit him, as hard as she could, with a bag of Asda white potatoes.
Bernard gasped with pain.
"You asked me to do it. Sir" whimpered Beverly.

ElectricSoftParade Sat 30-Jun-12 20:47:32

This is pure bliss, thank you, thank you.

walrusmoustache Sat 30-Jun-12 20:50:05

"savage" growled Bernard as his gray eyes turned smouldering grey with hints of fire
"I.Want.You.So.Much.You.Are.So.Beautiful" he panted
"oh Bernard" whispered Bev
"Not you" he snapped "the potatoes, make me some chips wench"

fluffywhitekittens Sat 30-Jun-12 20:50:11

Bernard was astonished that she had done such a thing. His chestnut mane trembled with rage and his pants slipped further down his slender hips.

Bev cowered behind the goat, who was eating the potatoes.

picnicbasketcase Sat 30-Jun-12 20:50:38

...said Bernard.'It takes me back to my days being all submissive to that Mes Robinson person. By eck, she could whip the shiny surface off a brown leather sofa.'

Beverly felt jealous again. She couldn't stand the idea of anyone but her touching Bernard's frothing naughty zones.

ColinFirthsGirth Sat 30-Jun-12 20:51:25

Beverly still smelt of fish. Thinking about fish and potatoes made her hungry.

ColinFirthsGirth Sat 30-Jun-12 20:53:59

She cut the potatoes into thick crinkle cut chips. They reminded her of Bernard's turgid cock.

fluffywhitekittens Sat 30-Jun-12 20:54:33

Aha thought Bernard recalling that sexy bit of Jackie Collins with a goldfish, fish and chips, his grey eyes glazed with lust as he considered the possibilities.
Jaws hid behind the plastic treasure chest in his bowl as he saw the look in Bernard's grey eyes.

Napdamnyou Sat 30-Jun-12 20:54:46

'His erections develop a lot faster than the plot', pondered Bev, boredly, as his man-juices arced over her n a way that the narrative didn't. 'Despite sex every three pages, not a lot seems to be happening with our relationship. Could we both just be one-dimensional ciphers in a crappy and unsatisfying fanfic novel, with a few thousand paragraphs of nipple-clamping and thrashing thrown in?'

'Of course not, Bella Beverley, murmured Bedward, sparkling prettily in the sudden shaft of sunlight and licking his fangs teeth 'I am an entirely new type of romantic hero, fabulously rich, insanely good-looking, and tormented fairly mad with desire for a naive brunette virgin with low self esteem and an endearing unawareness of her own beauty.'

'Oh my. Holy Crap. Well, that's all right then' cooed Bev, stripping off quickly. 'I thought the foreshadowing and cliches were getting out of control but let's do some more kinky fuckery, eye rolling and collapsing in storms of emotion and we'll be laughing all the way to the bank.'

picnicbasketcase Sat 30-Jun-12 20:54:51

Which was crinkly from where it had been all wet for too long, like toes in a bath.

picnicbasketcase Sat 30-Jun-12 20:55:42

Thread moved too quick and now there's a crinkly bank. grin

Bernard spanked her with crinkly bank notes while Beverley's sex curled up like a fucker snail.

NowThenWreck Sat 30-Jun-12 21:07:43

There was going to be a LOT of cleaning up to do. Beverly wondered, briefly, whether she should expect Bernard to take a 50/50 share of the removal of goat hair, dried jizz and potato peelings?
But then she succumbed to his administrations, quivering with pleasure.
She reasoned that his expertise with soft rope more than made up for his shortcomings in domestic areas.

tedmundo Sat 30-Jun-12 21:10:56

Bev rolled her eyes and bit her lips as Bernard tugged roughly at the fridge door.

"Bend over now!" he commmanded masterfully

Bev felt thick sticky cream spill over her back.

"Jam first, Bernard" she hissed through her bit lip.

ColinFirthsGirth Sat 30-Jun-12 21:11:46

Just as she was about to reach the peak of a most amazing orgasm, Beverly remembered the crinkle cut chips were still in the deep fat fryer.

picnicbasketcase Sat 30-Jun-12 21:12:25

Then she remembered Mrs Housekeeper. She'd sort out all the debris, with a minimum of fuss and nary a disturbed look in her eye. Bernard only paid her tuppence an hour, but she was a domestic and was glad of the work.

handbagCrab Sat 30-Jun-12 21:15:07

Bevs inner goddess continued to do the hokey cokey as Bernard repeatedly put his right arm in and out. He shook it.

As he turned around his words cut through her like a cutted up pear. 'Bev, I just don't know what it's all about.'

'oh Bernard, don't worry about a silly thing like plot! You're far too good looking and rich for it to be an issue.'

'you're right Bev. I'll just go and get those clothes pegs my housekeeper has left outside on the line. I think you'll orgasm shatteringly when I apply them to your nipples'

Bev bit the bloody mess where her lip used to be. This was way better than fantasising about Mr Bloom.

ThePathanKhansWitch Sat 30-Jun-12 21:15:21

Of course, the chips were twice fried. She felt the whole German Spec Kitchen move, she bit something it was......

ColinFirthsGirth Sat 30-Jun-12 21:16:07

Suddenly the smoke alarm went off. "Damn, the deep fryer. I knew I shouldn't have left it unattended to have some kinky fuckery!"

cocolepew Sat 30-Jun-12 21:18:05

Whilst Bev was busy with the Henry, Bernard was plotting fiendishly in his home office. He was aware that Beverly seemed to be going of the boil. Much like the spuds. He steepled his manly fingers, with their manly manicure together and pondered ponderously. He closed his manly grey eyes with his long fluttery, but manly, lashes. And wondered what he could do to keep Beverly interested.

droves Sat 30-Jun-12 21:36:47

Walking through to the kitchen , he eyed the egg whisk , the spud masher and the slotted spoon . His manly hand caressed the kitchen aid , and thought if only I had a motor like this kitchen aid , I could go all night and whip some cream in not time hands free ,

Wandering off to find bev , he took the fish slice

picnicbasketcase Sat 30-Jun-12 21:38:18

Bev eyed the fish slice suspiciously. 'What are you planning on doing with that?' she asked with a tremor to her voice, about a 3.4 on the Richter scale.

droves Sat 30-Jun-12 21:40:41

Bernard retrieved the turbot . It smelt super fishey after where it had spent the last few hours .

ColinFirthsGirth Sat 30-Jun-12 21:40:45

He suddenly remembered the vacuum cleaner - it had a better sucking action than Beverly.
He ran back to Beverly and grapped the hoover right out of her hand. Beverly gasped at the way he held the hose. She was so wet, she wanted him so badly, she wanted to feel the suction of the vacuum cleaner against her body.

LeB0F Sat 30-Jun-12 21:44:03

With disappointment, she realised it was only a Dyson, and not the Miele she was hoping for. With all his millions, Bernard had nevertheless failed to read the mumsnet reviews sad

cocolepew Sat 30-Jun-12 21:44:10

"Do you know how to gut a fish?" Bernard Bellowed. "I knew a girl once, verity, she knew how to handle a fish and a man in homer simpson pjs".

"You have a lot to live up too"

"Do you think you're up to it?" he glinted with his glisteny eyes.

droves Sat 30-Jun-12 21:44:22

Bernard and bev and Henry had a 3-some .housework got intresting

droves Sat 30-Jun-12 21:45:37

Obviously dyson was shit and just stood there .

cocolepew Sat 30-Jun-12 21:52:19

Slick with wetness Beverly moved towards Bernard. Purposely wuth a purpose. Then disaster! She slipped on her own wetness! The combination of her womanly wanton wetness and the real oak floors caused her to fall and hurt her wrist.

"Ouch ouch take me to a&e" she sobbed.

"Could you not just phone NHS direct" Bernard said cruelly while extracting his weenie from the hose.

droves Sat 30-Jun-12 21:55:09

Bev phoned NHs direct on advice about weenies stuck in Hoover hoses .

At casualty , the triag nurse said ,in a knowing tone, hello Bernard , are you in again with milk bottle trouble ?

FreakoidOrganisoid Sat 30-Jun-12 21:57:34

Be's subconscious looked up from her mills and boon "he only wants you to be shis skivvy"she snarled sarcastically . Oh vfuck off yelled bev. I like servicing my ginger wounded prince

rootytoot Sat 30-Jun-12 22:00:47

'You're mine. All mine', he said as he ever-so-erotically brushed his fingers over her sex. 'Yes, I am' Beverley gasped as Bernard pulled her plait. Her inner goddess gave her a thumbs up - 'hair pulling is a soft limit, go for it'. Beverley starting rising higher and higher. 'Let go' Bernard commanded and she exploded into tiny fragments all over the camping table.

flamingtoaster Sat 30-Jun-12 22:01:41

Bev extracted her mooncup and the toilet brush from the dishwasher and suggested to Bernard that the best was yet to be.

droves Sat 30-Jun-12 22:02:38

Bev wondered why there even was a camping table in a&e . So she bit her lip .

Bev folded the table and climbed out of Bernards magnificent trouser tent to sit on a chair in the waiting room

droves Sat 30-Jun-12 22:14:39

Bernard was removed from the hose. However whilst being x-rayed , the a&e staff found half a dozen " toys" , a set of handcuffs , a spare mobile phone , and assorted vegetables and one very distressed penguin .
Bev bit her lip .

The Penguin bit Bernard's arse

Bernard throbbed over the nurse groaning.

ColinFirthsGirth Sat 30-Jun-12 22:22:37

He quite liked it and wished the penguin would bite his arse again. If only he spoke penguin.

50ShadesOfSaggy Sat 30-Jun-12 22:25:15

I have just almost choked to death! 'He's remembered the crisps this time'! <<snurk>>

CaptainVonTrapp Sat 30-Jun-12 22:27:58

Bernard growled in approval at her moistness "I love how you're always so wet for me baby"

"Oh actually I just pissed myself slightly at a mumsnet thread" said Bev

cocolepew Sat 30-Jun-12 22:30:14

Bernard was trying to get a nurse to give him a uniform he could take home for Beverly to wear when she was giving him his enema.

The nurse kneed him in the gonads.

Beverly couldnt understand ut. He was so beautiful and manly. Why wss the nurse being like this.

Then the penny dropped. She was probably a lesbian. She idely wondered if she knew Tracey.

Napdamnyou Sat 30-Jun-12 22:31:59

They flew back in his helicopter, parked it on a double yellow and dashed back into the Great Green Room of Fuckery.
In the Great Green Room
There was a telephone
and a red balloon
And a picture...

dementedma Sat 30-Jun-12 22:32:54

crying with laughter

Lexilicious Sat 30-Jun-12 22:37:24

There was a parcel waiting. Beverly bit her lip, and opened it. Inside was a leather strap assembly, with some man-plums attached to it. Love From MN, the card said.

SwedishEdith Sat 30-Jun-12 22:38:35

I've ended up downloading this sodding book because of Bernard bashing away on his Casio to 'Chopsticks' grin

dementedma Sat 30-Jun-12 22:40:06

Beverly was furious. How dare he send items which were not on the list! She recoiled in horror at the price tag whichwas still attached. why hadn't he gone to Aldi?

yellowraincoat Sat 30-Jun-12 22:42:08

She scratched her head in confusion.

She had always thought that Lidl was his favourite Central European cheapo supermarket of choice.

Had he really been circling Aldi's aisle of oddness?

picnicbasketcase Sat 30-Jun-12 22:44:38

'You must understand, Beverly. Aldi have such good prices on Olive oil and really random shit for sale like portable DVD players and a trowel down the middle aisle.'

'I'm just not sure I can trust you anymore now that I know you're not loyal to Waitrose' pouted Bev.

ColinFirthsGirth Sat 30-Jun-12 22:49:34

"I'm sorry, I can't resist a bargain and anyway the strap-ons were tripple the price at Waitrose" replied Bernard.

dementedma Sat 30-Jun-12 22:56:13

Beberly wasn't sure she wanted a trowel down her middle aisle, but agreed to give it a try as long as he accepted the safe word - "OWWWWWWW!"

picnicbasketcase Sat 30-Jun-12 23:01:43

'Oh thank god we've found a new word for it, I was so fed up of calling it my sex, apex, and ninny-foo.' said Beverly, as her middle aisle tingled with fascination.

Beverly knew the real reason that Bernard was boycotting waitrose. He was jealous, possessive and couldn't shake the fear that one day Beverley might drive off into the sunset with Jesus in his cabbage van.

Oh her control freak, fucked up, mercurial Bernard. How she loved him.

Thinking of her love for Bernard made the blood pool below her waist, she bit her eye and rolled her lips ...

TiggyD Sat 30-Jun-12 23:21:38

Bernard's eyes ran up and down Beverly's naked form, then dropped to the floor. His eyes then darted across the carpet and jumped out the cat flap, the little buggers!

yellowraincoat Sat 30-Jun-12 23:23:26

Bev bit her lip.

"Bernard, your eyes!" she gasped, her inner goddess doing a tango with a strawberry in its mouth.

She reached out a hand to touch his recently-vacated eye socket. He slapped it away roughly.

ColinFirthsGirth Sat 30-Jun-12 23:24:38

.... her middle aisle glistened like it had just been mopped. "Oh Bernard!" she gasped "I'm so wet for you, let me take you now" Beverly started to put on the new strap on, trembling in anticipation.

NowThenWreck Sat 30-Jun-12 23:25:42

Bernard's eyes ran down the street, happening to notice that the woman at number 11 had had yet another baby (which she was bottle feeding) and that her boyfriend was obviously living with her. Bernard's eyes happened to know FOR A FACT that this woman was receiving £12345 a month in benefits, paid for by THE TAXPAYER.

ColinFirthsGirth Sat 30-Jun-12 23:26:58

"Wait! Let me find my eye balls first" said Bernard. Beverly, however had other balls on her mind.

yellowraincoat Sat 30-Jun-12 23:28:42

Bev eyed his eye sockets warily.

Aye aye Captain, sighed her inner crumpet.

perplexedpirate Sat 30-Jun-12 23:41:24

her middle aisle glistened like it had just been mopped is the best thing I've ever read, anywhere, ever.

I'm crying. grin

Ginga66 Sat 30-Jun-12 23:55:01

Bernard insisted on buying her a new summer wardrobe from the Boden catalogue as he needed all his to dress appropriately. Beverley could not believe her luck as she pulled on the a line skirt, sensible t shirt and pink wells while he watched her ravenously from the folding chaser.
"come and sit on this" he murmured seductively and as she lowered her aching behind - they both regretted the tinned rogan Josh - onto the argos special they came simultaneously with the joy knowing they had bought a matching chair for free in the mid season sale.

Victoria3012 Sat 30-Jun-12 23:56:47

I have tears of laughter, this is fabulous x

cocolepew Sun 01-Jul-12 00:09:29

"let me be in charge Bernard" breathed Beverly as she advanced on the newly vacated eye socket, the strapon wiggling seductively.

"WTF is going on?" shouted Bernard blindly.

NonnoMum Sun 01-Jul-12 00:22:11

grin

yellowraincoat Sun 01-Jul-12 00:23:43

"Shut yer cakehole Bernie" she gasped malevolently.

His eye socket wept, wetly.

cocolepew Sun 01-Jul-12 01:04:48

"Happy days" thought Bev happily. "A self-lubing eye socket".

With that she threw caution to the wind uncautiously and plunged the dido deep into the eye socket.

It was a magnificent feat seeing as how Bernard was 6footness of manlihood and she was a petite brunette with brown hair.

"Maybe I should have waited until he was lying down?" she thought thoughtfully as she swung gently from Bernard.

cocolepew Sun 01-Jul-12 01:06:05

"Maybe I should have used the dildo instead of the crap 90s recording artiste"

(coco - grin that gave me a giggle)

Bev thoughts happily continued 'Well, better her than the asteroid or boats, but will she be able to resist Bernard's manlihood?' Then her thoughts turned to worry 'How did she get here gasp is she an OW? Is it an emotional affair or more? I cannot let this go on, but I cannot leave the manliest basturd' she threw the dido out, and sent penguins and the goat after her, chasing her into the Victoria Coach Station to meet the poo troll.

Bev, ignoring the red flags that spring up like dandelions around them, goes to find the missing L and missing strap-on, hoping not to ruin her new Boden outfit.

Napdamnyou Sun 01-Jul-12 03:03:20

'My love for you is blind and now so am I' quivered Bernard, removing the dildo from his eye socket with a squelch. Bev fell to the floor, damply.

'Oh my, Bernard, you are just like a hero from a British novel' she moaned. 'Mrs Rochester Robinson be damned! AIBU to think we should definitely marry in two books time?'

CheerfulYank Sun 01-Jul-12 05:45:46

"Speaking of British novels, Bernie my blind darling, let us constantly say things like 'pram', 'ring someone', and 'smart rucksack', though no American has ever said any of those things in the history of ever."

"Agreed! Now fetch my seeing eye goat," Bernard barked manfully.

Her Down There palpitated.

I am crying with laughter! grin

FreakoidOrganisoid Sun 01-Jul-12 06:58:52

As her down there palpitated, with.palpitations, beverley 's breath got breathier as she breathed. She wasn't quite a zombie yet. She was now torn, literally in her aching anus, and figuratively in her mind. Her inner goddess did the dosie do with straw in her hair. On the one hand she wanted to obey her man and find his goat. That was what he had just asked her to do you see. On the other hand she was still horny as fuck, especially looking at how his flannel pants dangled off his erection. Bev had two hands you see, one on the left and one on the right. Or at least she had done before her arm fell off and Bernard acquired it for spanking purposes. Oh this was so hot! My. Arm. Belongs. To. You. She panted at Bernard. " What are you on about?" He tried to gla re coldly but the lack of eyes prevented him from doing so. Bev giggled and bit her lip. "i know what you're doing" Bernard growled " and you know the effect it has on me" he pouted. Bev looked at his sulky little boy face and had at least fifteen orgasms without even being touched.

Briefly Beverley considered the dire warnings from Tracey her lezzie Bezzie best mate that a relationship with Bernard would literally rip her to pieces.

Beverely bit her lip stump. What did she know about relationships with interesting and deep men. Beverley tripped over several red flags in her haste to get to Bernards Majestic Manhood, still glowing from the Veet notforballs cream.

She also had suspicions that someone was documenting her life for a series of books. She heard lots if people congratulating a certain TiggyD for scoring a place in classics. Her middle aisle throbbed with sexy throbbingness.

BoffinMum Sun 01-Jul-12 09:04:17

It's like Beckett for the modern age, this. grin

Good point, well made miss Boffinmum said Bernard with a twinkle in his socket

Her Inner Goddess channelled customer services and announced over the tannoy of her love "clean up in the middle aisle please, in store cleaner to the middle aisle, customer waiting"

NowThenWreck Sun 01-Jul-12 09:58:39

Then, a strapping young man placed yellow cones all around her dripping middle aisle.
For health and safety reasons.

Bev looked around as she was getting hungry. A cucumber took her fancy, and she was tempted to do more than just eat it. She took as much of it's turgid length into her mouth and bit down hard.

<nom nom nom>

ThePathanKhansWitch Sun 01-Jul-12 10:04:28

This would never happen in Waitrose..

The goat trotted in and returned Bernard's eyes, Bernard blinked furiously at the site of Beverly mouthing the cucumber. He masterfully mastered over to her whilst masterfully masturabating. He had something much better than a cucumber to offer her.

cocolepew Sun 01-Jul-12 10:12:59

Beverly eyed up the strapping young man lustily and eyeingly. He surely knows how to hand a cone she thought thoughtfully.

She looked at Bernard and his empty eye sockets and then at the strapping young man doing think strappingly and imagined him shirtless.

"Where the fuck did you come from?" she asked inquiringly.
"Im the housekerpers son" he saud musclely. " Dhe s had sn accident. A goat ran out in front of her car causing her to crash. Im filing in so she doesnt lose her job" he explained clearly.

"Hmmm You could fill me in" thought Beverly lusciously. She licked her lips. Her inner goodness licked her liver.

Beverly felt confused. Whst was going on here?

cocolepew Sun 01-Jul-12 10:14:08

(sorry for typos!)

QOD Sun 01-Jul-12 10:25:26

Bev started thinking outside of her the box, I could keep this young man to ensure my middle aisle is kept moistly mopped, "young man, are you interested in a doggy position?"

Bernard's recently reinserted retinal reyes bulged, just like his tumescent cock .. "I don't just take anyone up the back passage on, I want to see your CV"

Moist Middle I'll aisle Morris thrust his pre prepared CV in front of Bernard's bulges .... (this is Twatrose after all)

"I will wrk hrd kk, I've bin ta school m8 n got 7 GCSE A stars, giss a job in it"

NowThenWreck Sun 01-Jul-12 10:29:41

So Bernard took the young man roughly from behind, and frog marched him down Beverly's middle Aisle, where he signed him up for Workfare.
The young man was GLAD of the work, and NOT doing slave labour, as he continued to enjoy his luscious, throbbing Jobseekers allowance, at the expense of THE TAXPAYER.

BoffinMum Sun 01-Jul-12 10:32:20

He thrusted as the bunting flapped around Beverly's cupcakes.

theluckiest Sun 01-Jul-12 10:33:36

Holy crap! Beverley's inner goddess flipped like a hot, moist and probably inedible pancake as she spied the random items in her middle aisle.

'Oh! Bernard. A pressure washer for only £29.99.' I gasped as I inexplicably changed from 3rd person to 1st person narrative.

Bernard growled. The thought of a gushing hose was too much and Bev immediately came hotly and wetly as her gusset throbbed throbbingly. The strapping young man tutted as he grabbed his mop a second time.

Somewhere a penguin bit his beak and a tent appeared although this time it was not Bernard's but a special offer reduction - £59.89 slashed from £89 with free Gaz stove. Holy crap!

cocolepew Sun 01-Jul-12 10:49:23

With his newly inserted eyes Bernard was able to give Morris the stink eye.
"Shes all mine" he growled gravelly.

Beverly was overcome with comliness.

Morris sighed and wrung out his mop again.

Into his handy Lakeland "Squizzo" mop bucket.
Bev's inner goddess squizzoed all over the floor at the sight...

FreakoidOrganisoid Sun 01-Jul-12 10:54:48

The middle aisle was once more awash with juices and cream. Beverly was suddenly aware that her flange must stink of stale and rancid cum. 'oh!' she exclaimed. ' suddenly i feel like a dirty skank'. Bev decided to go home and shower alone for a change. 'oh no you don't' glowered Bernard glowerinhly 'that smell keeps you mine. You. Are. Mine.'

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

ColinFirthsGirth Sun 01-Jul-12 11:50:45

Beverly was still squelching and oozing with all the wetness in her middle aisle. "Bernard come and have a shower with me, we could have great fun with the shower head" she said.

JoannaFight Sun 01-Jul-12 12:22:48

'Gosh!' said Beverely 'All this is making me hungry. I'll just nip across to Greggs for a ...'

'Don't bother..' said Bernard.

(Oh my, bites lip, shuddering climax, AIBU etc etc)

puffyankles Sun 01-Jul-12 12:58:42

Bernard stood hard and proud in the 3 for a pound and mostly shit aisle in Asda. The reek of sex and desperation hung round his body like a wet weekend in sunny Scunny.

Beverly bit her bloody lip and felt her inner clam quiver. Bernard's slacks were showing the cleft of his walnut shell buttocks.

"Now, Bernard, I need spanking NOW" said Beverly with a ferocious urgency through pufferfish lips.

"Fuck it" thought Bernard. "It is only Asda". His steel python rose to strike as he chose a rather nice flexible fly swatter to do the deed but his mind was on a maintenance service for the washing machine...

Oh god...why did you have to choose those names. My it's me and my dad! Bleeeeee!!

Bernard waited the results of the paternity tests, he wasn't short of fluids to send off. The idea of Beverly being his daughter made him feel excited and masterful.

The goat and penguin looked at the twisted fucker and but their lips. The Penguin realised it shouldn't have lips and hastily spat out Beverley's.

picnicbasketcase Sun 01-Jul-12 13:26:19

Three minutes later, the result of the test was back. You can put a rush on these things if you're rich and powerful enough. And Bernard had most of his money hiding in the Channel Islands under his grandma's bed.

'great news Beverly' he growled erotically. 'turns out I've never even met your mum so I'm not your father after all. Plus we're the same age so it wouldn't have made sense anyway.'

'However,' he continued, after a few minutes of his inner creepazoid pushing the SPUNK lever in his brain, or bollocks, or oh crap they're fairly interchangeable aren't they? He shook an extra pint or two of jizz out of the bottom of his ever so heterosexual silk suit trousers that had been hanging a bit too low on his hips. You know, cos of all the jizz in them.
'However,' he repeated because I am a Proper Author and know that I have to remind my readers of everything that happened when I have gone off on some digression or other - Woo! Foofoo! Cocksnot! Tess of the Doobervilles is a proper book isn't it? I think I read it once and thought of it as inspirational even though they all die in the end.

droves Sun 01-Jul-12 14:10:53

The penguin looked unimpressed , Bev bit of far up her lip she ended up chewing her nose.

Mr Grey looked around for the plot and suddenly roared masterfully in a masterful manner, 'Who needs a plot? What I need is your arse on a stick, pass me those kebab skewers and a nine-volt battery.'

Her twinkle farted with excitement.

picnicbasketcase Sun 01-Jul-12 14:26:33

'However', he continued yet again. 'I never meant to fall in love with you, this was meant to be a casual albeit contractually obligational bang situation... But here we are. Your way with penguins, goats, lip biting and hump time have entranced my brain and hips in a way I never thought possible, especially when you consider how monumentally fucked up I am. Beverly, you are my goddess.'
'Inner or outer?' asked Bev in confusion.

'Doesn't matter, I can jizz on both of you. Internal, external and right up your nose and all.' Down his hips slid his slacks and his socks disappeared by magic because he never does that hopping-on-one-leg-pulling-off-socks thing, and nor does he keep his socks on when he's playing hide the sausage with her, neither, because that's so totes unromo u know.

Footnote: One of his socks would later magically reappear in the clean laundry. The other would never be seen again...

Napdamnyou Sun 01-Jul-12 15:28:25

'it's so fab that we can start a brand new type of relationship, except I haven't had any kind of relationship before and you have only had controlling stalkery ones where you whip women and give them cars and follow their every move and tell them what to eat and when to sleep and how they can't see any of their friends. Oh, hang on.'

droves Sun 01-Jul-12 15:39:10

Bev turned , whilst biting something , and switched on the laptop . Flashing up on the screen was yanbu ...leave the bastard ! .

If only the nest of vipers would understand Bernard was more than his penetrating eyes and ever sliding downward trousers .

Bernard knew that in order to keep Bev under control interested he would have to come up with something special. Eyes a gleam he headed out to the neighbours shed bungalow and returned triumphant with a leather look pouffe and a wet pebble. Bev's bits dance the lambada like J-Lo.

cocolepew Sun 01-Jul-12 15:44:00

"Beverly" Bernard bellowed "You have me all wrong. Yes I'm masterful, rich, powerful, majestic and lots of other describing words but you can leave at any time. Now let me tighten those shackles on you."

Plop! yes it is, isn't it? Through the letterbox came an invitation to a fetish club, because all fetish club promoters, like Bev, are too fictional to be able to use email and have unlimited funds to spend on stamps.
'You'll have to wear a mask,' ordered Bernard, orderously. Bev bit her own foofoo and wondered if the paper bag with a face drawn on that her last dysfuctional boyfriend she'd forgotten about, had left, behind, might still fit over her fat stupid head.

handbagCrab Sun 01-Jul-12 16:23:26

Beverley craftily crafted a mask from a paper plate and some string. She used wool for hair and drew on a smiley face.

'I bet the other fetishers have spent loads more on professional masks but I think homemade fancy dress is better' she said as Bernard came at her rampantly with some sticky backed plastic.

'you smell so good' he reiterated for the hundredth time.

'I've been using vinegar in the wash'

'I must have you. I also right fancy a fish supper.'

'it's not take away night!' gasped Bev gaspingly as her inner goddess line danced slightly out of time.

Napdamnyou Sun 01-Jul-12 16:29:43

Bev obediently and pliantly bent over for further thrashing she didn't get off on, as Bernard wielded a belt in a supportive, empowering manner, to demonstrate his adoration of her new goddess status.

'Already our relationship is getting stronger', she squeaked. 'Youve bought me a different sort of car to the ones you bought your last fifteen subs! And instead of banning me from working, you've bought the company!'

- "You enchant me Bev" said Bernard,
- "You've enchanted me from the moment I first set eyes on you as you fell into my Powerful Enterprise"

Oh.

My.

Inthepotty Sun 01-Jul-12 17:25:00

Bev realised she hadn't had rough kinky fuckery for a few posts. But then Bernard penetrated her with his penatating eye in a really penetrating way.

Bev was so wet she slipped and skidded into the Travertine bathroom, sending bottles of REN morrocan rose oil flying everywhere.

walrusmoustache Sun 01-Jul-12 17:57:51

"bath with me.Now" ordered Bernard
"why do we have to have so many baths and showers together?" asked Bev askingly.....her inner goddess lifted the turbot and put her fingers over her nose

surewoman Sun 01-Jul-12 18:01:12

As they sank beneath the foam, she was vaguely aware of Bernard whispering something.."Where's the soap?"
"Yes it does, doesn't it" she gasped in reply

dementedma Sun 01-Jul-12 18:10:59

Bev exploded with more fizz than a Lush bathbomb as Bernard set about her with his electric toothbrush at maximum power.
"Holy Crap" Must remember my appointment with the hygenist" thought Bev, rolling her eyes in minty ecstasy.

Unfortunately, because electricity and water don't mix which makes it a really bad idea to stick an electric toothbrush up anyone's doofer, let alone doing so underwater, both Bev and Bernard were electrocuted and died horribly. They weren't found until they were decomposed into a pile of stinking sludge, but at least it was mingled mingingness, so you could say that finally two became one.
The end.
Until the bank account needs another boost in which case it will be Bev and Bernard II - Stick your Finger up my Zombie Arse, the Zombie Plan Fuckfest.

ColinFirthsGirth Sun 01-Jul-12 18:31:57

Bev was so wet - from the bath water. She realised in horror that she had spent alot time of being wet recently. She looked down and realised that her sex wasn't looking too good.

"Bernard! Look at my vagine" cried Bev. Bernard had a good look. He desperately tried to think back to his days of learning about world war one in GCSE History. "I think your sex has got trench foot caused by all the damp and unsanitary conditions that your fanjo has been living in" he said in an authoritative manner.

"What shall we do Bernard?" sobbed Beverly.

JelennnaAaaaa Sun 01-Jul-12 18:36:07

I'm wondering whether to read this to my children. I'm sure they would enjoy it but I don't know if Bernard and Beverley are suitable role models. I'm also thinking of incorporating fruit shoots into my sex life, any advice?

picnicbasketcase Sun 01-Jul-12 18:42:59

Hang on, are they dead or not?

Bernard rose to the occasion manfully and prepared to cif Bev's fanjo back to life.

Bernard how can we be alive? Asked Beverley.
Bernard twinkled and brooded, Beverley fancied a steak tartare.

Hmmmmm it appears due to the many wholes in the plot another entire plot fell in to our sordid take my little wank badgeress. Thankfully we have reawakend as vampires.

"well that explains why the waters so cold" said Beverly radiating with recently applied sparkly pan-stick.

Beverley went to the kitchen to suck on Jesus.

droves Sun 01-Jul-12 18:51:24

Having found cif was no good for manky-fangoness , Bernard decided to give it a good spray of cilit bang , obviously his eyes being recently returned to him , he misread the label as clit bang .

Beverly loved her sparkly clean clit so much she bit her lip

droves Sun 01-Jul-12 19:02:02

The lips on her face were almost gone , so she started biting the other ones .
Bernard was impressed .

ColinFirthsGirth Sun 01-Jul-12 19:10:38

"All those years of practising yoga have paid off" said Beverly
"I can bend by body in all sorts of positions"

ColinFirthsGirth Sun 01-Jul-12 19:21:11

sorry typo - I can bend my body

nkf Sun 01-Jul-12 19:27:31

Beverley then felt angry because of something one of Bernard's exes had written on Facebook. But she had more sex with him anyway.

doggiemumma Sun 01-Jul-12 19:40:39

Well, i wasn't expecting THAT OP!!!!!! And why why WHY do i always miss all the fun!

Bernard, alarmed at Beverley's obsession with Aldi, Lidl, Dyson hoovers, Fruit shoots and steam mops, decided that he did need her to sign the contract afterall. But how should he approach this with her, afterall it had now been 6 days, he bit his lip for a change

Fluffycloudland77 Sun 01-Jul-12 20:47:38

Bernards ex was called Justine, her father was also rich and expensively powerful....and he had a title, the Marquis de Sade.

Beverlys sex shrivelled a little bit but her inner goddess oiled it back to life with bio oil left over from the nipple clamp maintenance wash.

Beverly washed the goat and wrapped him in a microfibre hair turban, he really was getting a bit crusty.

ColinFirthsGirth Sun 01-Jul-12 20:47:49

.... said Beverly, who was getting a little tired of all the sex and wanted to have a look at a particularly good AIBU thread on Mumsnet.

Bernard became all masterful again and removed Beverly's hands from the computer keyboard. He pulled at the computer lead until it came out of the socket. He tied her to the legs of the desk using the lead. Beverly bent over the desk, her minge getting wetter and wetterby the second. "I am going to put my huge dongle into your USB socket Beverly" growled Bernard.

picnicbasketcase Sun 01-Jul-12 20:58:35

'Oh, Bernard, must you keep enticing me into fucky kinkery whilst I'm trying to read?' said Bev from her uncomfortable position. 'My sex is getting quite sore now and I'm growing tired of exploding around your mighty erection.'

'Fine then', sulked Bernard, untying her hands. 'But don't blame me if I start exchanging saucy emails with Mrs Robinson again. She may be thirty years my senior but she keeps her apex greased up awaiting my return.'

her circuits shorted as a result. After the acrobatics were over she realised she had an enter key attached to her muffin top and had posted "Leave the bastareeeeekvnxlmnclnbdfzbnfzxklbnxclknvxlckvnxclnblnbsd nfcdfzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz on a thread

<skulks in to play>

doggiemumma Sun 01-Jul-12 21:10:38

Bernard looks at Bev with a glint in his eye - and nods his head towards the bench, expecting Bev to "assume the position" for a empowering "punishment", but bev is busy with her Take a Break magazine and having spent some time with MNet she finds some inner strength to look him in the eye and say "NOT NOW BERNARD"

NonAstemia Sun 01-Jul-12 21:14:48

In dire need of some emergency canesten, Beverley rang the GP. She was distracted from the endless menus by the insistent itch of her voracious sex. Fortunately she realised that this was due to fungal colonisation rather than rapacious lust and stayed on the line long enough to get an appointment for some time in the middle of the 22nd century.

NonAstemia Sun 01-Jul-12 21:15:37

D'oh thread moves much too fast!

Artesia Sun 01-Jul-12 21:22:20

Beverly bit her lip as she pondered a tricky question "WIBU to give up work and be a SAH sub? Is it possible to WOH and be a good sub at the same time?". Luckily, she didn't need to ponder this for long - she realised she couldn't possibly WOH as Bernard wouldn't untie her legs from the desk.....

She pondered posting something on the femenism boards but they got distracted by the cable tied burn on her ankle...

ColinFirthsGirth Sun 01-Jul-12 21:38:43

Beverly was feeling a little despondent with her life and her lover. Afterall Bernard was starting to get on her tits, and her vagine, and her arse. "Oh bloody hell Bernard, leave me alone and untie my legs you randy bastard!" cried Beverly, who was starting to feel a whole lot less submissive now.

Was it possible that her brain was regaining consciousness having been knocked by her libido several days before? And that her ego was also ready to stop hiding in the corner?

ColinFirthsGirth Sun 01-Jul-12 21:41:31

Bernard untied her legs and then sat in the nearest chair looking rather broody.
"Those effing feminists on the Mumsnet forum have turned your head, you've gone all assertive Beverly, that isn't in the contract!" shouted Bernard.

This displeases me. It makes my palm itchy. Don't roll your eyes at me or I'll find another domestic appliance to spank you over!

ColinFirthsGirth Sun 01-Jul-12 21:50:05

"Fuck you and everything you stand for Bernard" Beverly replied, feeling rather militant now.

"I am going to the local bookshop to buy "Cunt: A declaration of independence"

She walked out of the room slamming the door as she went. On the way out she shouted " Oh and just to let you know - I now declare that my cunt is independent, you arsepigeon"

picnicbasketcase Sun 01-Jul-12 21:50:28

'I think you'll find the worm has turned, Bernard darling', replied Bev silkily. Putting on her hat and coat, she elegantly turned to look at his astounded face.
'But.. You must stay here and turn MY worm!'

theluckiest Sun 01-Jul-12 22:03:27

As Bev minced wetly and hotly in a mincy hot fashion out of the door, Bernard growled as he noticed what Bev had been looking at on MN.

She had left her dripping wet laptop wide open and Bernard spied the words 'Blue' and 'Waffle' followed by 'Dragonbutter' before he was rugby tackled to the ground by Bev who screamed 'NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! Don't look!!!' while trying to simultaneously bite her lip, flick back her auburn hair teasingly and have a multiple orgasm.

(BTW 'fucky kinkery' ....ARF!!!!)

ColinFirthsGirth Sun 01-Jul-12 22:08:56

With that she tossed him a frilly apron. "Take your clothes off now and put on the apron!" she demanded. Bernard had never had a woman speak to him like this before. He really wanted to refuse but there was a glint in Beverly's eyes that he was rather frightened about.

Bernard put took off his clothes and put on the apron.

"Right, go and polish the living room whilst I go to the bookshop. I will be inspecting it when I get back and if I find the slightest bit of dust you will be punished Bernard!" said Beverly coolly.

grumpyoldbookworm Sun 01-Jul-12 22:20:16

'Trench foot'! Wonderful- brilliant thread

NowThenWreck Sun 01-Jul-12 22:55:54

"NOT NOW BERNARD!"
Ahh ha ha ha
best line in the whole damn novel.
Oh. My. I have just exploded. Shudderingly.

Oh Beverley, sighed Bernard. You are so bootiful when you're angry.

doggiemumma Sun 01-Jul-12 23:20:37

Beverly looks over at bernard and her heart melts she kneels before him, looks lovingly into his eyes and says what she knows he wants to hear "Baste me"

Napdamnyou Sun 01-Jul-12 23:39:34

Bernard limped towards her, brandishing a turkey baster...

Bev grabbed him in a rugby tackle from her kneeling positon, and threw him onto the buttery floor. Seizing the foil and cling film, she wrapped him firmly and began to wedge him into the bottom oven of the Aga.

'Fucking slow cooker is too quick for you, you tiresome tyrant. My inner goddess and I are off to self-determine and I won't be back, helicopter or no helicopter, droopy drawers or not.'

She pirouetted unsubmissively out of the door, humming a Gloria Gaynor riff.

Could the tables finally be turning?

littlepinkpear Sun 01-Jul-12 23:40:19

Beverly came back from the bookshop, her bag shuddered as she put it down in the hall. She found Bernard in the kitchen, even in the apron he looked amazing. It fitted his auburn hips perfectly.

She pushed him roughly against the Miele in the futility room. Beverly knew bernard was rich and powerful as he had the 5902 and it's 1400 spin cycle. He thrusted his manly hips mannishly. Her sex quivered.

Persil Non-Bio capsules spilled everywhere, Beverly bit her chin and her brazillian wax moistened. This is why Tracey is jealous she thought, he's got a futility room and he's all mine.

5inthebedPPA Sun 01-Jul-12 23:42:46

"as we have been bumping uglies for a few chapters now Beverley, I think it is time you met my parents" Bernard said after a heavy session of potato bashing.

Pulling up to his parents house, Beverley gasped at the sure size of it. His parents house was also big.

As they walked through the front door, Bev was jumped on by Shania-lee, Bernard's younger sister. Held in a deep embrace, she could just make out a lady she assumed was his mother, walking in carrying a bowl of Pom bears.

Have we got to the point at which some crazy burd comes shrieking in with a gun and there's a bit of alluded-to incest? Or something like that?

doggiemumma Sun 01-Jul-12 23:48:55

I think 5inthebed is doing more than alluding! Big house? Pom bears - i have a mental image of "bernard" as David Walliams and the "mother" offering Bitty .............reaches for the brain bleach

cocolepew Mon 02-Jul-12 00:36:55

Bernsrd was dyill concerned, in a dlightly concerned manner, sbiut Beverly. He didnt like the idea of her worm turning.

He whispered his concerns into her ear.

"oh bernard, never fear. I saw the Dr and he diagnosed cuntworms. Those are the only turning worms".

Bernard happily sighed inwardly and trotted offf to get the family parrot for a bit of find the worm.

The penguin took his chance and sneaked out the backdoor.

cocolepew Mon 02-Jul-12 00:38:31

FFS Should read "Bernard was still concerned, in a slightly concerned manner, about Beverly.

megabored Mon 02-Jul-12 01:22:28

Beverly but her lips at the parrot. The pelican started to eat the worms.

megabored Mon 02-Jul-12 01:22:38

Bit

LynnCSchreiber Mon 02-Jul-12 01:32:26

<snort> at 'Cunt: A Declaration Of Independence'

Beverly stood in the entrance hall of the tiny council house, parrot and penguin fussing about her person, more than a little stunned. Is that Jeremy Kyle his sister is watching? How had a man as sophisticated as Bernard, with a full utility room and lakeland drawer organisers sprung from this den of mediocrity?

"Oh, he is so complex" she sighed, and her inner goddess smarted at her inner feminist - "See its more than fucky kinkery, we need to try and understand him". Her inner feminist said "Whatever ho" and went back to the opening pages of Cunt: A declaration of Independence"

Beverley's brain interjected, you know inner goddess and inner feminist you could work together in this.

"oh Fuck of brain!" hissed Beverley's Inner Giddess and Beverley's inner feminist. "don't let the door hit you in the way out".

And Beverley's brain did exactly that. and when it got there, it fucked off a little bit more

droves Mon 02-Jul-12 08:05:23

Infact Beverley's brain had indeed fucked off to the far side of fuck .

Now again brainless Bev spotted the well known woman hating tabloid ....ah , that explains a lot , she thought to her self . Then disappointedly sat down to read about Peter I love my kids Andre .

Looking for the crap tips section , then realised she was looking in the wrong publication . (sigh) If only I could find some tips on what to do with shackles and bondage tape in a new yet practical way ...perhaps tethering climbing plants ?
Bev was getting plans for the red room to be redecorated , perhaps in neutral colours with twigs and pebbly shit.

puffyankles Mon 02-Jul-12 08:31:59

The red rug in the red room had a little Roomba scuttling back and forth.

Bernard failed to see it and fell arse over tit, landing heavily on the pleather sofa.
"I've fallen on my keys" he gasped, eyes watering.

Beverly felt her inner goddess boiler ignite. "Real pain is when you step on Lego with a bare foot, Bernard".

Bernard whimpered. His dolphin had been spanked, or rather spiked by the Yales and penguin key fob.

Beverly licked her lips and shuddered to a crescendo, not because Bernard was writhing in pain. Oh no. Beverly had to have a Roomba.

ColinFirthsGirth Mon 02-Jul-12 08:48:26

Bev sighed, she was a little bored now. She got out her leaflet for the local feminist book club and had a read. She sure did like being a feminist and was even thinking about posting a question on the the feminism board on Mumsnet.

Bernard walked into the room. Bev's inner goddess swooned at his gorgeousness. Her inner feminist stuck her middle finger up and him.

Bernard's mum Edna came in and sat down next to Bernard. "Please help yourself to pombears Beverly" she said. "You're so lucky to have my Bernard. He is such a nice boy.Wouldn't hurt a fly. He still sends his washing home to his old Mum, don't you BernieWernie!" cooed Edna whilst patting her son's knee.

PandaSpaniel Mon 02-Jul-12 09:03:47

ha ha I am going to have to read shades of Grey now, just for a laugh. Excellent novel so far smile

fluffyanimal Mon 02-Jul-12 10:01:03

But after a few days staying at his parents' house, Bernard had an almighty row with his mother, who threw him and Beverley out, telling them to grow up and be more responsible. In an act of masterful petulance, Bernard persuaded Beverley that they could live outside his parents' house in the (now rather shabby) black BMW that he had bought her.
And so every day, Beverley bit her lip while Bernard masterfully filled her inner goddess with his throbbing length over the busted-up pleather interior of the BMW, and afterwards they went for icecreams to the local icecream van, wearing matching fluffy PJs that hung from their hips in that way. Every so often they would notice a woman peering at them from her bathroom window and typing frantically on a laptop.

droves Mon 02-Jul-12 10:06:15

They had also unintentionally started a parking war between Bernard's parents and their next door neighbour .

The neighbour was a man in his mid forties who was incensed that Bernard had parked in front of his parents house , as previously the man had claimed that spot as his own. ( dispite having a double driveway which he never used ) .

and a sign in his drive way that said no turning

doggiemumma Mon 02-Jul-12 10:13:40

The parking war escalated, as the neighbour became insensed about the chav wagon parked on his double drive way and took out the lovingly tended pampas grass with a chain saw - "swap keys now will ya? Ya fuckers" said the neighbour. Beverly noticed his masterful tone and started to see Bernard as a bit of a mummy's boy........

doggiemumma Mon 02-Jul-12 10:15:40

"And a sign in his drive way that said no turning" signed by the feminist icon who coined the phrase "the lady is not for turning"

She couldn't help but wonder: "Could it be that Bernard had been spanked over appliances as a child? Should someone phone the social?" although her inner goddess said "Didn't do him any harm, and did me a lot of good, in fact I'd quite like a trip to the utility room with a spatula sometime soon (Bernard could get up much of a backswing in the Beemer). Her inner feminist rolled her eyes...

"Bernard" called Beverly "I'm having evil thoughts and think I might need a jolly good spanking on the ironing board, perhaps with a baking tray"

couldN'T get up much of a back swing - sorry, fail.

doggiemumma Mon 02-Jul-12 10:26:15

Beverly made her way to the utility room, only to hear muffled declarations of love and lust, burst in to find Bernard in the corner with a full set of lakeland kitchen utensils, stroking the potato masher like one would a china doll........

She was filled with jealousy and rage. Her inner feminist yelled "Mash his member with the sodding masher", but instead Bernard looked up, his eyes clouded with lust and a desire for pain. "Take you clothes off and put on the apron" he whispered. Beverly inner goddess tripped over herself in preparation to be an orgasming Nigella Lawson. Her ego, logic and feminist fucked off to the pub until the smacking, sex touching and shattering into a million pieces all over the kitchen counter was completed.

megabored Mon 02-Jul-12 10:47:36

Helga the cleaning lady had just cleaned the kitchen. As Beverley waited for her sex to cool, she though about how Helga cleans behind the fridge.

turnitup Mon 02-Jul-12 11:09:47

Bernard entered the kitchen wearing only his mankini

'beverly its 6am and i NEED some kinky fuckery'

'oh my' said Bev while thinking holy crap have a i shaved my lady garden!

Her clothes fell off anyway and Bernard threw her down on the kitchen counter...

TooImmatureTurtleDoves Mon 02-Jul-12 11:10:04

"Don't think, Beverley," whispered Bernard masculinely, manlily. "You know the contract which we forgot to sign says I think for you." Beverley bit her lower lips again. Holy crap, he was right! Her inner goddess smiled meltingly and was punched by her inner feminist, returned from the pub.

and for a moment her self-esteem crawled out from behind her hypothallamus where it had been hiding for several weeks. Is this what you were educated for? Is this what you went to University for? So some man on a power trip with 50 shades of Domestic appliance fetishes and a penchant for smacking girls to relieve his stress could pound on your waxed, child like lady bits...

But then Bernard blew on those same lady bits, her goddess came bounding back into the room, kicking self-esteem in passing and she prepared herself for her 19th multiple orgasm in the last half an hour

Badvoc Mon 02-Jul-12 11:32:19

Oh my

JackieandJudy Mon 02-Jul-12 11:58:41

Beverly's inner goddess revelled in her nine hundredth multiple orgasm. Meanwhile, Beverley's domestic goddess wondered if she could get out from under Bernard quickly enough to catch Helga before she went off shift. Bernard's constant cumming anywhere and everywhere was having a most detrimental effect on Beverly's wardrobe, and she felt sure Helga would have some good tips for her. For sure, the Bold Automatic wasn't doing much good.

But wait! What was this Beverly spied in the corner of the utility room, half hidden behind a pile of Bernard's dirty silky slacks. It looked suspiciously like a pouffe, a leather pouffe, a leather pouffe with bits of poo smeared into it.

BrianCoxhasSmellySox Mon 02-Jul-12 12:19:56

You utter bastards!!!!

Now I'm going to have to read the actual book purely to come back and enjoy this thread properly.

I'm already dying of laughter and I have no idea what it's about!

grin

Meanwhile, upstairs in the en suite bathroom with avocado suite and loop pile three piece mat set, Edna scrabbled feverishly at the buttons on her mobile phone...
Hello, hello, is that Shawna-Mae-Kaitlin? Well my name is Edna, and the website said I had to call you to suggest guests for the show you research for. What? Oh yes, I think Jeremy's viewers will be very interested in what I have to say...

JackieandJudy Mon 02-Jul-12 12:41:18

Back in the utility room, completely unaware of Edna's perfidy in the shagpiled ensuite, Beverly had managed to shake Bernard off (with some help from the fast spin cycle on the Zanussi). Bernard staggered dizzily, and manfully, around the room, whilst Beverly cornered Helga.

"Come, Helga"

Helga approached warily for Beverly was brandishing her underwear in what could only be called a flagrant manner.

"Come, Helga"

Helga came nearer still until her nose was nearly touching Beverly's. Bernard watched hopefully - was there to be some girl on girl action?

Beverly suddenly realised Helga had misunderstood her:

"No Helga, not "come", but cum, look here on my knicks. How do I get it off?"

JackieandJudy Mon 02-Jul-12 12:53:18

Bernard, bored of listening to Helga and Beverly, wandered into the lounge. Edna, having spilt the beans to Jeremy, had switched to Wimbledon, and the 306" screen of the new telly was filled with the scantily-clad, long-legged, orgasmically shrieking figure of a statuesque blonde. Bernard's eyes (good as new after their adventures) were not drawn to the tennis playing goddess however, but rather to the the large tennis racquet being so expertly wielded in her shapely hands. Now there was a thought ....

"Bev", he called, "I'm just off to sports direct. I'll be back with a nice surprise for you, make sure you get your plimsoles on".

because, of course Bernard is not only the best looking man on Earth, the richest man on Earth, an accomplished pilot, an expert fisherman and capable of playing concert level piano concertos, he is also an ex ATP tennis player.

While he was out looking for a really well strung racquet with a large surface area and a comfy grip, Beverly headed back to the state of the art computer he gave her as a bribe to get her to do as he told her to and logged back onto Mumsnet. Surely there are BDSM boards?

sherbetpips Mon 02-Jul-12 13:19:34

"i'm laters baby" said Beverley, as she worried about hair colour being hereditary.

JackieandJudy Mon 02-Jul-12 13:31:19

Beverley was waiting in the beemer for beautiful Bernard to return. Obedient as ever, she was wearing her new Asics trainer and very little else. Bizarrely, there was a piece of netting strung between the front and back seats of the car - Beverley spent several delightful moments sitting astride the net before reclining invitingly in the back seat.

Bernard tore open the car door, and seeing Beverly prostrate on the back seat, entered swiftly, tennis racquet first.

"Ooh", squealed Beverley, "rougher!"

Bernard redoubled his efforts. The net twanged. The racquet thwacked.

"Rougher" screamed Beverley.

Bernard preened. He had certainly taught this latest sub well, she was taking all he could throw at her and demanding more.

He went for it once again, sweat streaming down his brow, his valiant member thrusting mightily.

"Bloody hell, wtf are you doing, you stupid bastard!" screamed Beverley.

"I'm getting rougher like you said" said Bernard, bemusedly.

"Not rougher you idiot, Rafa. Rafa. I wanted you to pretend to be Rafa".

JackieandJudy Mon 02-Jul-12 13:57:29

"Well, balls to you then", thought Bernard, not happy with the idea of Bev fantasising about another man. Mind you, that Rafa she was on about, wasn't he some shit hot Spanish tennis player, the one they called the Torreador? Images of a superbly honed and toned man, swirling a cape and nimbly dodging the deadly charge of a great black bull swam in front of Bernard's eyes.

If he could just get hold of a bull, he and Bev could rewrite the definition of giving the horn", mused Bernard. What would the goat and penguin and turbot make of a bull?

Napdamnyou Mon 02-Jul-12 14:06:08

Meanwhile Bev logged back on to mums net and was horrified to discover numerous threads which appeared to be discussing her kinky fuckery and feeblemindedness in real life. Should she really leave the bastard? How best to remove the stains?

doggiemumma Mon 02-Jul-12 14:55:33

Bev wondered what sort of advice she would be given if she were to post "on the other side" netmums would they balk at the kinky fuckery or would they regale her with stories of their own Bernards?

oh and What Briancoxsmellysox said angry

As Bernard was off watching wimbledon, Bev decided to give the red room of pain a spring clean. So what products do I need then? She though. Bleech for the silver balls, butt plugs and dildos, multi-surface cleaner for the cross... Wood polish for the canes?

Bev realised that she was going to need a special product to unblock the loo. After all, the master puppeteer kept throwing freshly-plucked tampons down there

ProfCoxWouldGetIt Mon 02-Jul-12 15:37:49

Curse you Mumsnet!!!!

I kept telling myself I was above this 50 shades bollocks - now having read this, I am in the process of downloading the first book to my kindle...

Oh the shame...

Bev checked with Helga and was astonished to discover that all she needed was biological washing powder and some Veet.

Bernard came, and then came into into the room. He was astonished at the sparkling rooms, particularly the kitchen. He felt randy as the washing machine whizzed on a 90 degree cleaning cycle. He twitched his hips and his slacks slunk lower. He felt his manhood stir as Beverley bent over to open the dishwasher

"WHAT HAVE YOU DONE YOU FUCKING SICK BITCH!!!"
he yelled, and threw up as he saw the Loo Brushes glistening wet and clean in the dishwasher.

Bernard realised Beverley was a dirtier sicker individual than even he.

Napdamnyou Mon 02-Jul-12 16:28:13

After applying her college degree-learned skill of reading to the FlyLady site, and having perused Good Housekeeping MN forum, the torture dungeon, kitchen and boh were soon sparkling like a vampire on a summer's day. Next, Bev clicked on Style and Beauty for some thoughts on how to accessorise Ben wa balls with Per Una gowns, and the Tack Room to work out how to care for crops and lunging whips. Finally, she took a deep breath and posted her first AIBU?

Perhaps she should have phrased it better, for the response made her flaps curl. Biting her lip, she reposted it in Relationships.

Same again.

Perhaps Chat would be more sympathetic?

Hmmmmm.

Adult fiction? Feminism? Frantically she scrolled down, hoping for affirmation of her choices. But even a reverse AIBU failed to get the response she hoped for.

Oh dear. What should she do?

Napdamnyou Mon 02-Jul-12 16:29:48

(that should read bog, not boh, sorry)

Queendodo Mon 02-Jul-12 16:37:59

Damn you all - am also off to download - in spite of better judgement!

I feel slightly ill at the prospect that anything I've written here might have caused anyone to go and download the book. Please don't - its truly rubbish - still is infinitely better!

this - not still - fail

Beverely read the 227th response to her post - the MNers were still telling her to leave the b*stard. But surely they didn't understand? Bernard has serious self-confidence issues, and it is Beverly responsibilities to belittle herself in order to make him feel bigger...

BrianCoxhasSmellySox Mon 02-Jul-12 17:18:06

Dances I have decided, I will not buy the book or download, I will have to read it though, I will scour the local bins Charity Shops, I just have to know how crap it is.

I mean, I already know it's crap, I just need to be able to categorically state to my friends who believe it is AMAZING and highly erotic, that it is utter shite. Until I've read it, my argument has no weight behind it! grin

I fully get you SmellySocks - that is why I read it. I had to see what the fuss was about. Sadly I am now 2/3rd of the way through the third one, as I cannot leave a story unfinished, no matter how bad it is

SwedishEdith Mon 02-Jul-12 17:32:42

I downloaded in the full knowledge it would be dreadful. I'm so looking forward to telling anyone who thinks it has any worth. But "chopsticks" did swing it for me grin

Tomjoules Mon 02-Jul-12 17:56:42
Tomjoules Mon 02-Jul-12 17:58:28

Beverly chewed the empty void where her lower lip used to be and decided to seek the support of the campers. Maybe one of them would give her guidance in correct knotting and tensioning of guy ropes.

Kittenofkaos Mon 02-Jul-12 19:02:19

When the tent was restrained in the way that made both Beverley and Bernard gasp, Beverley turned to Bernard and with a glint in her eyes that made her lower lip melt, said: 'Bernard I want you to sign up for some funky kickery'.

Excellent thread. I think that reading this plus the wikipedia entry sorts out anything you needed to know about this book.

toldmywrath Mon 02-Jul-12 19:27:06

Bernard on his Casio. Beverley's inner goat herd yodelled. Oh my.

doggiemumma Mon 02-Jul-12 19:48:22

I tried to buy this in tesco tonight, but the woman said that despite three deliveries today they have sold out - i blame you all!!!!

I did pick up number three and flicked through it, and as someone said, this thread is better written!

Andifnotnow Mon 02-Jul-12 19:53:59

Abandoning the ropes she braced herself mentally and gushed at Bernard (who was a the time broodingly perusing his masculine form in the mirror room like so many Dorian Grays before him).

"I'm pregnant" she ejaculated emulating her literary heroine, Jane Eyre, in a desperate attempt to acquire any sort of credible identity.

Bernard's intense startlement shattered the mirror with a bolt of pure rage. "What have you done, you stupid cunt!" he bellowed instantaneously rejecting any sense of responsibility whilst simultaneously asserting himself by belittling her passive procreative powers. "Now the presence of an innocent infant will make our doings look really pointless in a silly sort of way, and make our paper relationship leave its current realms of utter improbability and jettison it into the galactically absurd regions".

Beverly gnawed on the remaining tatters of her lip and although her middle lane throbbed as it allays did in response to his tantrooming behaviour, the newly fomed impediment of a miniscule foetus now diverted the path of that erotic impules like a mni internal tens machine from its predestined course and she discovered she had a backbone of sorts.

"It's finished Bernard" she whispered. "I must now abase myself to you. Instead I will focuss all my being on serving the potentiality of our future offspring."

Her vaginal juices dried up emphatically for once and she marched out of the room the apartment the continent whilst Bernard howled in frustration at this turn of events for the better part of the current milenia.

Her inner goddess sulked and imagined all the great shagging she was going to miss out on, but she was drowned out by the whooping, cheering and high-fivery from her ego, inner feminist, self esteem and common sense. She stuck her head back into the tent - Oh, and I'm taking all of the appliances in the utility room as alimony.

fridakahlo Mon 02-Jul-12 20:09:10

And Beverly had a beautiful baby girl who she lived with in happiness and maternal bliss forever and ever.
Bernard, on the other hand, developed a medical condition that caused his ejuculate to start eating away at him from the inside.
Using his many millions, he managed to find a cure by the time it had reached his neck. So Bernard spent the rest of his life being a head wheeled around on a hostess trolly.
The End.

JackieandJudy Mon 02-Jul-12 20:09:13

I haven't read it yet either but am aghast to report that I have been given all three books - BY MY MOTHER! My AGED mother. And, let me add, they are the first books she has read in years. My step Dad has developed a worrying tic and a cowed look in his eyes. smile

doggiemumma Mon 02-Jul-12 20:28:12

and me Jackie, i have just found out my DD has downloaded all three books onto her ipad and the bloody cow wont lend it to me!! shock Im not sure its the sort of thing i need to know she has been reading!!

biodronka Mon 02-Jul-12 20:28:18

Bernard slowly lowered her lacy pink panties, breathing heavily as he did so. He kneaded the soft pink flesh below, wiping away drops of sweat and stickier stuff. His fingers ran through the lush, velvety hair to that special place. Concentrating now, he moved his fingers gently, taking care not to go too fast. Just then, she screamed. ‘Oi, why have you got my pants on again, you filthy pervert’?

horseygeorgie Mon 02-Jul-12 20:35:05

Bloody amazing thread. I bought 50 shades when it first came out and chucked it in the recycling after 10 pages. I should've kept it! We should have a MN copy that gets sent round anyone who is interested so they can read it without the humiliation of buying it!

purplewithred Mon 02-Jul-12 21:13:55

I am going to download the free sample onto my Kindle. Then I am going to delete it before anyone sees I've got it.

picnicbasketcase Mon 02-Jul-12 21:54:12

I really like fridakahlo's ending grin

Napdamnyou Mon 02-Jul-12 22:14:37

Me too. Let it end, please! grin

TiggyD Mon 02-Jul-12 22:35:02

...and the sound of the the fire station alarm slowly turned into the sound of Beverly's alarm clock. She rolled over and stopped the ringy bit. She thought about everything she and Bernard had been through together and wished that he hadn't been part of her dreams and had been real. Which he wasn't. He gently farted and swung her feet out of bed and searched for her slippers, but realised they too were a dream. Just like Bernard was. Because she dreamt him up. Because she was a librarian and they don't get much action.
After breakfast and stuff, she put her hair up into a bun, like all librarians have and left the house. She opened the garden gate and walked to her car which she kept in front of the house opposite when, bugger me, she bumped into a chap causing her to drops the books which I forgot to mention she had.
"I'm so sorry" Said the bloke.
"That's all right. I like bumping into people" Said Beverly. "What's your name?"
"My name is Bernard" Said the real man who wasn't a dream...

The End.

Or is it?

Housemum Mon 02-Jul-12 22:45:26

My mum gave me her copy. The person who normally passes on copies of Woman's Weekly and Best, or "why having fun will kill you" articles cut out of the Express/Mail. And DD1 has downloaded it to her Kindle. (She is 19, before you tell me IABVU!)

Kittenofkaos Mon 02-Jul-12 22:45:27

"That can't be the end for us can it, Berrrrrnard?" sighed Beverley, rolling her rs at him.

doggiemumma Mon 02-Jul-12 22:52:29

"my name is bernard" said the real man who wasn't a dream. He blethered and stuttered and just made a whole performance of trying to retrieve Bev's books from the floor. "oh, im so sorry Miss, really, im just so clumsy, sorry sorry" "its ok, really" said Bev. The man sort of of piled the books up in Bev's arms and scampered away like a frightened mouse.............

And they all lived happily ever after grin

TiggyD Tue 03-Jul-12 09:09:40

So, to repost what I said on page 4:

Should we turn this into a film first or a musical? Maybe we should do the film, then turn the film into a musical, then do a film of the musical!?

Actors for the role of Bernard:
Jude law?
David Tennant?
Brian Blessed?
John Travolta?

Actresses for Beverly:
Judy Dench?
Katie Holmes?
Bella Emburg if alive?
Holly Willybe?

Oh Brian blessed definitely and kthy Burke. What has hppebed to Bella emburg? shock

TiggyD Tue 03-Jul-12 09:23:52

Still going I believe. And had a role in Z cars with Brian Blessed, so there might be some chemistry there...

surewoman Tue 03-Jul-12 10:30:23

To quote Boris Johnson (Telegraph article on Monday 2nd) with regard to banning swimming in the Thames .."this is the kind of gratuitous legislation that is sapping the moral fibre of the nation. No wonder the poor womenfolk of Britain - desperate for some basic virility in their lives - are stampeding to the bookshops to buy the new S and M meissterwerk that is Fifty Shades of Grey.
So, we can blame it all on 'elf and safety'!!! and have thumbs up from Boris! Lol!

dementedma Tue 03-Jul-12 10:36:58

nice one Boris.
My 18 year old DD has read 1 and 2 - boy is she in for a let down when she finds out its not really like that grin
What do you mean, it is really like that?

TheBitchHiker Tue 03-Jul-12 11:54:37

I don't think I'd enjoy a 'thumbs up' from Boris Johnson.

turnitup Tue 03-Jul-12 13:11:30

The only good thing to come out of reading that dreadful book is the fact that it makes this thread sooo much funnier smile

surewoman Tue 03-Jul-12 14:35:56

Depends on the size of his thumbs, I suppose! grin

JuliaScurr Tue 03-Jul-12 17:21:31

I still say she shouldn't use that mooncup again, not after it's been through a goat

ColinFirthsGirth Tue 03-Jul-12 17:40:01

I definitely wouldn't use Bernard again after he has been in the goat

CJfromTheWestWing Tue 03-Jul-12 21:16:31

I'll never look at a goat's cheese baguette in the same way, either.

Malificence Tue 03-Jul-12 21:33:13

Between this and 50 sheds of grey on twitter, I'm giving myself a hernia laughing so much, DH thinks I've finally cracked.

Thank you xx

Andifnotnow Tue 03-Jul-12 22:06:21

Am in the 3rd trimester and thought I would get contractions I laughed so much when reading this thread. It's much better than the silly books, and it's a shame that it, perversely, encouraged people to go and buy them. I mean, they can only end up disappointed.

I admit that the start is very promising, but by the time you are into the second one you realise that it was an empty promise, and that the protagonists have just about two coping / coupling mechanisms each to deal with whatever ludicrous plot development throws at them, and it dawns on you that yes, their mechanical fuckery is erotically on par with cleaning out the fridge, and then somehow, against your better judgement you find yourself engrossed in the third one. But only so much as to skim read the content, with a sarcastic commentary running at the back of your mind whilst hoping against hope for. Some. Kind. Of. A. Redeeming. Feature. Please. and for it to live up to its initial promise/ media hype. When you turn the last page you have to face up to it, nope it was really that shite. The End.

dementedma Tue 03-Jul-12 22:20:59

given the way the second one ends, is there any reason to buy the third one?

Andifnotnow Tue 03-Jul-12 22:21:42

Can anyone actually think if a decent erotic novel? Do say! Because that was the literary equivalent of gorging on a bucketload of Quality Street when all you wanted was a bit of 90% coca with nibs.

NunOnTheRun Tue 03-Jul-12 22:22:30

Fifty Sheds ? Catch up, chaps wink

NunOnTheRun Tue 03-Jul-12 22:31:28

Oops - above not intended to contradict Malificence's post. Underlying intention was to say that this thread is terrific grin.

JackieandJudy Tue 03-Jul-12 23:45:26

Actually, whoever brought up Boris - how about Boris as Bernard in the stage version? He could be Bernard/Boris, and whilst he's at it with Beverly he could do a bit of simultaneous mayoring of London.

JackieandJudy Tue 03-Jul-12 23:45:50

I feel sure the mayoral chain could be brought into play somehow.

JackieandJudy Tue 03-Jul-12 23:46:59

And the bikes for hire, I feel a scene with Bev and Bernard on a bike coming on. Or maybe even a tandem. Think I need to go to bed before I get carried away ...

I'm either going to retire to the Carribean or get booted off MN in a minute but, well, you know, someone did ask so...

and the crowd could all say "flubberdly flubberdly flub" whenever Boris came on stage pun fully intended ala Mock the week!

IfNotNow That is an extremely accurate description of the reading experience! And Demented novel three has absolutely no redeeming features whatsoever -so no different from the other two then--, even less finky kuckery and takes the juvenilely written "adult" to new loves of immaturity. And "plot", I use the term VERY loosely is even more cliched and ridiculous than ever.

nice typos Dances that last bit should read "adult" FICTION to new LEVELS of immaturity

JackieandJudy Wed 04-Jul-12 08:14:29

Morning all - note I omit the "good" element of that particular salutation - and I blame MN entirely , since I barely managed three hours of sleep.

You know when you have one of those dreams when you don't realise you've fallen asleep? Well, I had one of those all about looking for my unread copy of 50 Shades of Shite Grey. It was a really realistic dream where I was fumblng about in my bedroom (looking for the book, damn you, not doing anything more exciting). Having found it (in the very realistic dream) I got back into bed and switched the bedside light on (still dreaming, but thinking I was awake). The bedside light, however, wouldn't work so I nipped into the ensuite, thinking I'd have a quick flick through in there - but couldn't find the light switch.

After a lot of fumbling (looking for the light switch, naturally), the frustration of not finding it woke me - and I was so irritated by my futile dream search that I went in search of the book for real. shock

And then spent about two hours of potential sleeping time reading the crappy thing and waiting for it to improve. Which it didn't. Holy crap - I've read more erotic articles in the Financial Times.

Am knackered. There is one thing I'm glad I learnt though - I have a nervous habit of biting my lip. I also have an important meeting on Friday. I will be vigilant.

JackieandJudy Wed 04-Jul-12 08:16:47

Ooh, SGB are you the author of linked book? I am tempted to invest, purely for comparison purposes you know? smile

JackieandJudy Wed 04-Jul-12 08:17:49

Comparison to 50 Shades that is, not sadly to my own lack of sex life.

Will do school run now and leave you all in peace.

J&J: I'm one of the co-editors grin It's a collection of short stories by different authors so I always say that at least one of them will do the trick grin

NunOnTheRun Wed 04-Jul-12 12:19:36
Kittenkatzen Wed 04-Jul-12 14:46:44

shameless placemarking to read later.....i got as far as "please spare the goat Bernard" before having to stop as i am CRYING with laughter already, which isn't good as I'm in the office grin

no idea how i missed this thread up to now

5inthebedPPA Wed 04-Jul-12 16:03:30

Presumably she must dust the Red Room of Kinky Fuckery, I'm surprised she hasn't handed in her notice, cos polishing dildos shouldn't really come under her job description.'

i am actually in hysterics. I cannot read any more!!

NunOnTheRun Wed 04-Jul-12 21:32:55

"Professor Ellis Cashmore, expert in Culture at Staffordshire University, predicts a spike in the number of newborns in Britain next year as a result of the book, which has been dubbed 'mummy porn'.

He said: 'With the millions of copies it has sold - it makes complete sense to assume that in nine months time we are going see a baby boom..." Bites lip> confused

picnicbasketcase Wed 04-Jul-12 21:50:19

Yes, because everyone knows babies are made by discovering a sudden urge for your partner to smack your bottom confused

Actually, kinkyfuckery is quite a good contraceptive. You don't get PG from anal fisting, or pooing on coffee tables. Or from biting your FUCKING LIP.

surewoman Thu 05-Jul-12 06:19:14

Mind you, sales in Anne Summer's have increased!

Housemum Thu 05-Jul-12 09:51:37

Having just finished reading the first book (thanks for wasting my time, MN, glad I'm a v fast reader) I was seriously disappointed. It's just, as my DD1 would say, "meh". The plot had all the subtlety and nuance of a 5 minute story in Woman's Weekly. With sex. "Oh my".

And presumably they have a post-coital game of marbles with all these eyeballs rolling around.

Housemum Thu 05-Jul-12 09:53:14

And Anastasia need to come to MN to be educated re the words "vulva" and "vagina" that appear to be missing from her extensive vocabulary. Mentally, I was replacing the word "sex" (as in, "he touched my sex") with "fanjo" - makes for a more entertaining read!

Mollydoggerson Thu 05-Jul-12 11:37:47

https://twitter.com/#!/search/%23IrishShadesOfGrey

Hope the above link works, some Irish suggestions.

Mollydoggerson Thu 05-Jul-12 11:38:36

https://twitter.com/#!/search/%23IrishShadesOfGrey