to warn you all to take out the extended warranty on your child?

(177 Posts)
entropygirl Thu 19-Apr-12 20:06:43

I didn't as I didn't think it was good value for money at the time and now I am stuck with a faulty child!

A, by no means comprehensive, list of the faults includes:

The emission of stinking substances of various consistencies and colours; no understandable speech but instead the child has started emitting high pitch yells for no apparent reason; a total lack of musical ability; a tendency to use noodles as a weapon of mass destruction; a faulty sleep mode which fails intermittently throughout the day and night; and some sort of failure in the mobility function which causes falling and bumping.

I suppose as I have only had the product (of conception) for 10 months I may be able to get a refund under the manufacturers guarantee instead?

<heads off to tackle DH on the subject>

WorraLiberty Thu 19-Apr-12 20:08:02

10 months?

Sounds like most teenagers to me grin

FondleWithCare Thu 19-Apr-12 20:08:18

I've lost my receipt, is there anything I can do?

manicbmc Thu 19-Apr-12 20:08:51

Can you return as faulty goods?

Mine just seems to emit grunts, sleep and eat. But I think I've left it too long now. Would I get a refund after 17 years?

Mine are 12yo and alomost 10 yo.

I'm assuming the warranty ran out at 10 yo.

No way am I sending them back

Ouch! confused

wilmot Thu 19-Apr-12 20:10:12

Have you tried replacing the batteries? Or switching him off then on again?

Clytaemnestra Thu 19-Apr-12 20:12:07

Think about it. Do you want to try and send it back?


Raggydoll Thu 19-Apr-12 20:12:53

ahh, but is it 'fit for purpose'... if we agree that its purpose is to drive any adult within a 10 mile radiius to distraction then I am afraid it is and in you will not be getting a full refund of your investment. You could always try again for a better one ;-)

I can't even take mine back to the hospital where they were spawned.It closed down.
Weird that and a bit of a coincidence hmm

Do you think they had alot of dodgy returns and went out of business?

marriedinwhite Thu 19-Apr-12 20:15:37

Oh we used to joke that if we had paid for ours, we would have returned him to the shop. Didn't feed (from boob), didn't sleep, asthmatic, bad ears, cried a lot, potential demolition agent.

Hang on OP - do all the right things and eventually the model you send forth to school and to friends for tea will attract compliments and smiles. You might not see it at home but that it isn't what really really matters in the long run.

Looks at ds's size 11's in the hall and counts cost of feeding a 6'2" teenager and is sorry he doesn't want to be in my company or come to the occasional adult event with me and dh because I would like to people to see he is mine because I am proud. DD too of course but I am sort of guessing you are talking about a first born.

I can't even RTFI.

Mine was born without the instruction manual.

entropygirl Thu 19-Apr-12 21:04:06

Sorry - I was away dealing with the sleep mode fault....

Well I got a sort of second hand worn instruction set from a previous generation model but to be honest we did all that stuff and it still broke....

entropygirl Thu 19-Apr-12 21:05:47

Yes I suppose returning to sender would be an issue...especially as the delivery men/women were so rude....

They just didnt want to know about how small the letterbox was and how very large the parcel...

Would NOT recommend!

McHappyPants2012 Thu 19-Apr-12 21:08:41
Kayano Thu 19-Apr-12 21:14:20

Mine works fine! Maybe you have a dodgy supplier?

They must have secretly upgraded me as a first time customer deal because mine came with an inbuilt routine and a very efficient sleep mode that works consistently at 8 weeks.

<smug> take yours back op wink

MrsShitty Thu 19-Apr-12 21:14:27

I complained about mine about a month into parenthood but the retailer informed me that the "quirks" were clearly stated as possibilities within the terms and conditions.

I spoke to consumer helpline and everything but no luck.

It makes me mad! These "quirks" are basically so relentless that I have visibly aged since my purchas.

Find the remote - it should come with a mute button, power botton and subtitles. That should solve a few of the issues. grin

Kayano Thu 19-Apr-12 21:17:12

I will admit my 'sleepy baby 2012' model did have a faulty feeding mechanism
So I had to purchase some
Extra attachments...

They were:

Fixed my problem and actually made
The product better as DH was then able to use it grin

entropygirl Thu 19-Apr-12 21:19:11

Kayano I am indeed taking it up with my supplier...but I wouldn't go too far in recommending your supplier unless you really want to share....

ARF @ kayano grin Oh and congratulations I'm presuming this is a very new model?

saves post to C&P on teenage thread in 12 years wink

Mine can't use the washing machine and makes funny whining noises when told it is not possible at 9 o'clock to do a coloured wash and a White wash that will be ready for the morning.

Putting clothes in wash basket function is also broken on him

entropygirl Thu 19-Apr-12 21:24:41

hmmm I found the remote but there is just one large red button marked 'Do Not Press'

I think I will skip it for now....

Chubfuddler Thu 19-Apr-12 21:27:20

Kayano just how new is your model? At eight weeks mine slept consistently all night without any extra attachments. Has progressively deteriorated in last four months.

entropygirl Thu 19-Apr-12 21:34:21

chub grin mine didn't even make it back from the hospital in one piece...

Mine did that too chub but I found when he started eating me out of house and home <another fault!> at about 6 months he settled again and the sleep function has worked well since.

The lie in function may be faulty though wink

entropygirl Thu 19-Apr-12 21:37:04

IS that the snooze button that's gone?

Chubfuddler Thu 19-Apr-12 21:40:39

Mine now seems to have had a sensory download which leads to it waking between 1am and 3am.

jaggythistle Thu 19-Apr-12 21:43:17

Mine's not even 2 days old and this evening he's stuck on feed mode for the last 4 hours. he has just gone into snuggle mode temporarily but it might not last long.

his big brother is only able to travel round the house at high speed and seems to have some navigational difficulties with door frames and other obstacles.
these should be on watchdog with all these issues. angry

fullofregrets Thu 19-Apr-12 21:46:24

Mine has a 'run and destruct' programme that operates in public places.

Yesterday I found it also had issues with its speech cycle having shared the following information with a lady behind us in the queue in a cafe:
"I went to the toilet but I only had a wee. Not a poo. The poo was poking out a bit but then it went back in."

I noticed the lady did not select the chocolate fudge brownie. So it appearance the embarrassing my mother in public function has now kicked in.

fullofregrets Thu 19-Apr-12 21:46:53


MyleeneCrass Thu 19-Apr-12 21:49:12

You guys can't have missed the reset button between the first and second toe?

entropygirl Thu 19-Apr-12 21:50:22

full that is truly amazing and certainly not something that was shown on the box...

fullofregrets Thu 19-Apr-12 21:52:55

No entropy it was not. These sorts of things really should be mentioned before deciding to purchase.
Mine is nearly three, maybe I should do something before the three year warranty expires.

Mine have dysfunctional volume controls. They both came from the same supplier - should I have tried a different source for the second?

I've tried to get a fully functional one three times now.

entropygirl Thu 19-Apr-12 22:49:42

I would definitely not order again, although that is more to do with delivery problems than the persistent faults. I will probably stick to getting this one serviced (at the doctors) tomorrow.

jaggythistle 2 days old...
Altogether- Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh grin

jaggythistle Thu 19-Apr-12 23:22:30

i feel quite grin myself! except i just coughed unexpectedly and made my injured fanjo hurt. (this one had a malfunction on delivery and required a ait of help) better than no1 who wouldn't come out at all and had to be retrieved. FFS

ifeelloved Thu 19-Apr-12 23:32:24

You should do what many others have done and just get a new one grin

FrankWippery Thu 19-Apr-12 23:33:31

I've tried four times and all are duds. And they are constantly requiring upgrades.

Bogeyface Thu 19-Apr-12 23:54:40

Calm down people!

I am a trained engineer and I will walk you through the fix for these common problems.

1. Place faulty item in safe place of your/their choice. Common places are in front of the TV (better for older models), or for younger models in a play pen or crib

2. Inform manufacturer that the child has developed a fault and you are currently online with the engineer for a fix and they must monitor the item for further faults as and when they develop.

3. Pour wine, take to bathroom, LOCK DOOR


5. Run bath

6. Play music, loud enough to cover sounds of manufacturer and faulty item

7. Soak in bath

8. (Optional) Shout at manufacturer that it is responsible for fault and should step up to its responsibility. WHAT PART OF LOCK THE FUCKING DOOR DID YOU MISUNDERSTAND?!

9. Drift down in a perfumed haze, smile at manufacturer and suggest placing an order for another model.

10. Call ambulance.

11. Wait 20 years and the problem should then be fixed

HTH Ladies smile

Bogeyface Thu 19-Apr-12 23:57:37

Jaggythistle your "delivery issues" made me grin

Reminds me of victoria Wood saying that when she gave birth she looked down and thought "there's a design fault here"! She said its like watching two inefficient delivery men trying to get a very large sofa through a very small door, only in this case you cant say "oh sod it, bring it through the French windows" grin

I like your instructions up till Stage 9 there Bogey.
The original packaging was shreeded taking the product out.
It was carefully repaired (twice) but I reckon there's been some shifting and prolapsing going on.

I'd need to make sure there was some sort of re-inforcement undertaken, maybe steel staples?

DialsMavis Fri 20-Apr-12 00:03:47

I have used 2 suppliers (no brand loyalty chez DialsMavis blush) and both products are shaping up to extremely similar so far. The newer girl model has an excellent improved sleep function, but the mark1boy needs less and less essential maintenence as it ages. Vocal malfunctions seem to be increasing year on year though

Bogeyface Fri 20-Apr-12 00:03:58

Usually just the suggestion of another model is enough to make the manufacturer reasses the situation with the current faulty model. However, if not, then the suggestion that unless the faulty model is dealt with in conjunction with the manufacturer then no further orders, real or sample, will be placed, usually does the trick.

Bogeyface Fri 20-Apr-12 00:06:00


Vocal malfunction is a common one. It should gradually petre out around teen.1 where they usually cease communicating at all unless to request food. Occasionally it will emit loud and offensive expletives to the owner, but this is a glitch that generally works itself out at around 18+GF/BF

SaggyOldClothCatPuss Fri 20-Apr-12 00:16:36

My markII developed an incredibly unpleasant fecal malfunction! The unit would go into sleep mode quite happily at first, but after a year or so, would reactivate soon after shutdown, disconnect its waste disposal receptacle and distribute said waste around the room and over itself! the unit would then lapse into sleep mode, and remain there until its processors detected the malfunction, and triggered the alarm!
MarkI is 16 years old now, and seems to spend most of its time in 'limp mode'!

Bogeyface Fri 20-Apr-12 00:23:09

Ah yes, the MarkII were notorious for that, although all models have been known to develop that particular issue. The best fix is to put the fecal receptacle on backwards and secure with additional fixings. We recommend elastoplast tape take from front to back, around to the front and tied off at the side. Its not 100% foolproof but seems to work in most cases.

Bogeyface Fri 20-Apr-12 00:24:14

Btw is totally serious! Its only way i prevented my lot from redecorating their rooms that popular F&B shade "Hint of Shite".

Bogeyface Fri 20-Apr-12 00:24:42

that should have had lots of upward arrows in it, not sure why they didnt come out!

Mine has a very sensitive audio dial.
DC1 can hear a biscuit tin open from 3 rooms away but not me saying "DS your coat is there. " When I'm within 2' of his audio receptors.

Bewilderedmum Fri 20-Apr-12 00:32:11

I have several issues with my blue model, albeit it is 14 years old.

My instruction manual too, was rather tatty, and didn't cover several eventualities which have arisen over the last 14 years. Several viruses have emerged leading to much technical input, and occasionally, pieces of hardware have broken - although these have been amenable to repair.

The sleep mode seems to be faulty - Although it took some fine tuning in the early years, we enjoyed several years of good functioning - alas, the timer appears to have reset itself, and now it seems very disinclined to work in the mornings, yet finds itself difficult to shut down at night.

Moreover, the sound system has a malfunction. Previously, although the volume seemed to be set rather high, our tolerance grew, and we installed volcabulary software, to a rather high specification - perhaps it's due to wear and tear after 14 years? - but how does this account for the low pitched grunt which emerges, when any form of output is required? Perhaps there is a loose wiring connection - this would explain the occasional burst of high quality polysyllabalic output when least expected.

We take it in five days a week for modification and addition of extended software at least 30 weeks a year. This has been marginally successful, although sometimes it is returned to us later than planned due to a problem with its home based learning output - this leads to emissions of further low pitched gruntings and some shut-down. However it performs well in certain areas, and when checks as to its functioning in various aspects such as science have been undertaken, it has achieved A* ratings.

We also have a 9 year old model - again a blue version - sometimes both gadgets interact - and sometimes, it leads to high pitched screeching, and a fuse blows, which can be rather disconcerting. One would naturally assume that both models would be compatible, and am rather disappointed to say that this is not always the case.

However, it is compatible with various other elements of the internet, such as facebook.

In comparison with other users of identical models of a similar age, we feel that our model is satisfactory given its age - we have no wish to return it, as we have both grown rather attached to it - despite its eccentricities.

Recently, it appears to be interacting with a 'pink' version of a similar age, which is interfering with its sleep mode - any thoughts on how to manage this would be much appreciated..

yours etc.. Bewildered

Fedupnagging Fri 20-Apr-12 00:32:57

I can offer a buy 1 and get 2 free on my 3 teenage ds's - any takers?

Bewilderedmum Fri 20-Apr-12 00:34:48

Fed-up - I already have that model - but thanks for asking!

When my blue model starts interacting with pink models will it's self cleansing cycle be initiated?

At the moment I have to give it one of those Dip'n'Strip style baths that they use for pine doors.

blackeyedsusan Fri 20-Apr-12 00:36:49

I have 2 models, the second model had some adjustments made but still seems to be faulty.

1. sleep/feed modes adjusted from 13-18 feeds per day(model 1) to the regulation 6 feeds per day. however, model one seemed to readjust itself after 2 years and has a 10 hour sleep function that reminds owner to put it to bed. model 2's sleep function has now broken and it reuquires a constant presence of owner to induce sleep.

2 feed function. model one had weak feeding function. dials twiddled for model 2, unfortunately a little too far causing severe bruising to owner. afte prolonged feeding this model seems to be overly familiar with owners feeding attachments and on occasions asks to see/use them. (a warning to extended breastfeeders... too long and they remember)

3. movement funtion is too flexible on model one leading to balance problems and difficulty with movement. a little too much adjustment leads to model 2 regularly being found running up and down the windowsill, on top of furniture and playground equipment designed for models at least 3 years older.

model 2 has a faulty volume control and impulse control. its supports occasionally collapse causing it to dangle from its straps/owners arm. this fault is usually preceded and accompanied by loud wailing noises and is often exacerbated by close proximity to model one's training institute or vehicular traffic temporarily stationary awaiting pedestrians to cross.

model 2 has a vastly improved thowing function, unfortunately tends to throw anything that is not buttoned onto its person. wellies, shoes, socks, gloves, hats, toys

model 2 seems to require 3 minutes in solitary confinement on a regular basis, and usually signals this need by trying to disable model one with it's teeth, fists, feet or whole body. model one has an exraordinaily loud alarm function.

model one has a well developed speech function. the pause button seems to work for a few seconds but the mute button is missing. model 2's speech function was adjusted and resulted in less speech but much more high pitched wailing.

despite all the faults, I have become used to the quirks and do not fancy the hassle of sending the models back to their maker, and have to actively prevent them from trying to despatch themselves by various means. Also, I have lost the receipt and the original packaging is not what it was.

Bewilderedmum Fri 20-Apr-12 00:40:26

70 - Yes this does appear to be so - my blue model initiated using deodorant as a 'quick fix shower in a can' but now full self cleansing operations begin at 7am without manual prompting! grin

McHappyPants2012 Fri 20-Apr-12 00:40:51

Luckily there was no 2 for 1 offers when I had mine

Fedupnagging Fri 20-Apr-12 00:47:53

Yes 70, when pink models are introduced, self cleaning mode is definitely initiated. However, this only applies to the blue model himself and not surrounding areas where further intensive training is still required!

Anniegetyourgun Fri 20-Apr-12 00:51:24


Bogeyface Fri 20-Apr-12 00:56:19

Please note that if the pink model that your blue model has initiated its pairing sequence with, can not or will not complete the pairing sequence, then the self cleanse system will disable itself. In extreme cases, the self cleanse system will short circuit causing the BO shortcut to no longer work. If water is forcibly introduced to the unit then total shutdown will ensue.

Looking forward to blue model doing more self maintainence.At the moment it needs some sort of surgery to remove the undercarriage protectors.

Bit worried about my currant pink model- the spares seem to be getting very expensive now that she's nearing her 10 year service.

You know those things you buy to protect the weird shapes bits on the end of the long things (between the floor and the bum part)?
Pink model decided something from Shoefare was not for her, it had to be a pair of Pineapple Dance Studio.
I think they are all developing the same fault at this age. The pink models are all sporting the same protective casings.

Bogeyface Fri 20-Apr-12 00:59:09

To force restart in the case of total shut down following a failed paring sequence, another pink model must be brought within range of the blue model. This is most successfully done via other blue models that have previously networked successfully with your blue model. Under no circumstances attempt to introduce the pink model yourself as this will cause OMG.3 or "Total Embarrassment" and will make the problem much worse.

Bogeyface Fri 20-Apr-12 01:01:54

Warning to all pink model owners.

there is currently a virus called "Pauls Boutique" that is installing itself into many models. It cannot be uninstalled but can be made less dangerous by a total refusal to install its "essential" accessories. Do not install any of the accessories you are informed your model needs, it will make the virus much worse and will enable it to spread to other models.

Bogeyface Fri 20-Apr-12 01:02:26

X-post with 70isa. Sadly it seems that there are many such viruses around sad

I'm hoping that various pink models that magnetically attatch themselves to my own pink model will have an over powering attraction to blue model.
Then at least I know something of their service history and previous owners.
Ditto for pink model and blue models attatchments.

Can you get them on Sale or Return or is it Caveat Emptor (sp)

Bogeyface Fri 20-Apr-12 01:05:55

70isa Sadly ime with manufacturers (one of whom is now out of business) its a case of "you bought it, you live with it". After sales service is shocking, hence why I trained as an engineer.

Fedupnagging Fri 20-Apr-12 01:06:00

Yes, I have found the blue models' replacement spares to be quite price prohibitive. Seems top of the range Nike are the only spares that fit properly.

Saying that, once blue model is responsible for maintaining all replacement spares, cheaper items will suffice!

Thankfully pink model is User Incompatible with Pauls Boutique.

But I have a feeling this will be over-ridden by an application of Birthday Money.

Logistically though Bogey -if the model was returned to manufactuer it would be much easier to for me to retract my half than DH to recall his half.

On the understanding that his initial 5ml of catalyst is now a 156cm specimum. Compare to my 8lb 8.5oz that rolled out of my production chamber.

That would make his eyes sting grin

Bogeyface Fri 20-Apr-12 01:11:24

The Birthday Money app can be problematic, but I recommend you install the Because I Said So app to counteract it. Not only can it be used to prevent the worst excesses of the BM app, but also against the But Everyone Elses Parents Let Them app, the OMG You Are So Unfair app and the I Hate You download.

Another useful app is the Street Talk/I Am Going To Get One For Myself. It immediately disables all unwanted apps and downloads in the unit, whether pink or blue.

Bogeyface Fri 20-Apr-12 01:12:10

Worth it for the laugh though 70 grin

Fedupnagging Fri 20-Apr-12 01:18:31

'Because I said so' app was installed many years ago however, very interested in the 'street talk/am going to get one for myself' app. Does it come with a guarantee Bogey?

Bogeyface Fri 20-Apr-12 01:26:14

Yes. It activates whenever your unit announces its intention to download an app or accessory that the you feel would not be compatible with that unit. It latches onto the app or accessory and communicates to your unit that you are so impressed with the app or accessory that you will be downloading it yourself. At this point the iwantit software crashes and immediately deletes the app or accessory from your units shopping basket.

On the very rare occasion that the software doesnt crash then Street Talk/I Am Going To Get One For Myself instigates the "Why dont we wear them together" protocol, and success is guaranteed.

Street Talk will activate whenever your unit has attempted to upload Smart Mouth, and insitgates TotallySickInnit.5 resulting in OMG.10.1

My blue model expells a small amount of air (sighs not farts) and makes a repeated clicking sound when I ask it for any input like "Help me cut and paste this picture"

It then proffers the theory that I should not be allowed out on my own.

This usually ends up with blue model making a jerky movement out of the way of my Hairy Trucker Hands and emitting a noise akin to a magpie. (Gawd knows what that app is? )

SaggyOldClothCatPuss Fri 20-Apr-12 01:37:20

Beware of interface issues between your own system and the children's. Give them too much freedom, and they will remove and devour all cookies from your kitchen system, and inadequate password security can result in some large bills from ITunes, App Store and EBay.

Bogeyface Fri 20-Apr-12 01:41:18

Thats one of the many parts of the OMG software. It incorporates Old Parent, Useless Parent, Embarrassing Parent amongst others. One of its more virulent installations is the You Are So Stupid software. Once activated the unti displays just the behaviour you describe, and also "FFS" muttered at almost inaudible volume and sometimes initiates the Sarcasm add-on.

Bogeyface Fri 20-Apr-12 01:42:07

Very good point Saggy and one that many unit owners fail to monitor

grin love it!

Blue model has a small plastic rectangle to enable him to aquire consumer durables.

The magnetic strip is rendered useless in my presence meaning that only my plastic rectangle will function (in Game or HMV).
And the memory bank which can repeat on request which Assassins Creed character can kill A.N.Other Assassins Creed character will spontaneously cut out when asked to type in its PIN number.
Thus ensuring blue models monetary balance doesn't deplete.

entropygirl Fri 20-Apr-12 01:44:22

Oh not fair - you all started posting while I was busy!

A big shout out for 'undercarriage protectors' took me a while to get but was worth the effort!

I seem to have caught the sleep mode malfunction virus and should have been in bed 3 hours ago....

Bogeyface Fri 20-Apr-12 01:46:01

Again, you need Street Talk/I Am Going To Get One For Myself.

The unit would rather shut down than allow that software to complete.

entropygirl Fri 20-Apr-12 01:48:43

Does anyone have a functioning copy of the 'keratin up regulation' app? My product is still a hairless wonder.

entropygirl Fri 20-Apr-12 01:51:11

Also my 10 mo unit was accessing the manual for the car earlier andI have a horrible feeling there may be crossed wires with the satnav. It is entirely possible the units for words will be 'you have arrived at your destination' or even worse 'recalculating'.

I'm anticipating the :

Embarassing Mum+Kareoke machine+ holiday where nobody knows me = insertion and inititation of Pink and Blue Models "FFS sit down and stop that"
Eye Rolling and Head Snake mode.

grin I'll get my own back for the time Blue Model opened the toilet door and exposed me sitting on the loo to everyone in PizzaHut who walked past.
Disclaimer- I was in the Baby Change/Disabled loo. I was --hugely pg--manufacturing Pink model.
I couldn't run as fast as Blue.

CowboysGal Fri 20-Apr-12 01:52:14

quite possibly my fave thread ever. Think I may even print off Engineer Bogeyfaces step by step instructions and pin them to the bathroom door (after buying a lock)

entropygirl Fri 20-Apr-12 01:53:38

I still think the real problem is that anyone finding a proper good quality supplier is unlikely to be willing to share the information!

SaggyOldClothCatPuss Fri 20-Apr-12 01:59:07

Out of interest, has anyone ever worked out where the pc backup cable plugs in? There are several slots, but none of them seem to be USB compatible! confused

Bogeyface Fri 20-Apr-12 02:01:22

Entropy Sadly, once the Unit/Satnav connection has been made there is nothing you can do to stop it. But, I recommend you browse the many voices now available for SatNav, it wont stop your Units first audio being "You have reached your destination" but imagine how entertaining it will be to have it said in the voice of Brian Blessed, Stephen Fry or Jeremy Clarkson!

OK, maybe not Jeremy Clarkson.

entropygirl Fri 20-Apr-12 02:05:00

hmmm that's an interesting point saggy

there does seem to be binary information of a sort emitting from one of my units various orifices, but it's rather slow going...only about 1 byte per week at the moment.

a faster data rate is achieved from the smaller paired holes but the 'bit's' tend to go missing and end up, as someone else mentioned earlier, on your trousers.

Kayano Fri 20-Apr-12 02:05:43

I am quite loyal to my supplier as he has provided me with an excellent model and even does free repairs when the feeding mechanism is not working and has worn me out.

However I have been eyeing up a rival supplier... One 'Jenson Button industries' I am waiting patiently for him to market his product again and we'll see how loyal I am to the Mr. Kayano brand...

Bogeyface Fri 20-Apr-12 02:07:59

You need an adaptor Saggy. The ports are in the thumbs and can be accessed by placing a mobile phone, video game handset or remote control within reach of the unit and then backing up via that.

Its not an ideal situation but sadly as each Unit is unique, making a standard USB port is currently impossible. That said, there are scientists in Stepford that I believe are working on it.

Kayano Fri 20-Apr-12 02:09:33

I would also possibly look into Jeremy Clarkson inc. too as I do like to take a risk and have unusual taste when it comes to acquiring new models.

An update: model 'sleepy baby 2012' is still performing exceptionally however has now taken to random Squarking in its sleep. So I am awake yet it is not...
I am monitoring this tonight then will speak to my supplier at 9am sharp

Bogeyface Fri 20-Apr-12 02:13:23

Kayono. You need to upgrade your tech support to 24/7 otherwise your supplier may not be able to fully appreciate the performance issues you are facing. I would recommend you upgrade NOW and ask the supplier to update on the overnight performance at 8am.

Bogeyface Fri 20-Apr-12 02:15:50

Oh and Kayono, please be aware that inerest in Jeremy Clarkson Inc. may indicate a problem with your own software, so I recommend you speak to an expert about that immediately. The specialists at are particularly good.

Kayano Fri 20-Apr-12 02:21:04

I am aware of the 'bad taste wtf are you thinking?!' virus I acquired in my early 20s. I have tried everything to get rid of this virus and upgrade my own software.

However my backup drive is not working and the only way to fix it is a full system wipe... I'm just not willing to lose all that data.

So unfortunately I am stick with horrendous taste...

SaggyOldClothCatPuss Fri 20-Apr-12 02:25:09

I am a micro technology addict. I'm getting my next upgrade from!

Bogeyface Fri 20-Apr-12 02:30:33

grin Saggy!

Chilenachica Fri 20-Apr-12 02:36:20

You could have warned me before now entropygirl I've had mine more than ten years, bloody warranty's run outangry

Sigh. My second model's sleep function has become faulty and requires it to be reconnected to the motherboard every 90 minutes through the night until 4am, whereupon it becomes every 15 minutes until my own AlarmClock feature initiates. I find often this feature is overridden by the Ohfuckitasifineedsleepwhydontwealljustbloodygetupnow app in myself.

This also often interacts negatively with model 1's sleep functions, resulting in Unbearable mode being activated by 4.30pm.

Model 2 is 4 months. Apparently this is a common fault. Thinking of contacting office of fair trading or suchlike and advising that, as couples begin PurchasingProcess an employee should interrupt and advise them of this potential.

Lack of own sleep function has made my punctuation function flawed resulting in comma malfunction.

Entering sweary self pity mode.

Thumbwitch Fri 20-Apr-12 04:08:43

General system malfunction here - ROM mostly wiped.

kipperandtiger Fri 20-Apr-12 04:19:47


OP, I only have a few suggestions that no doubt the "professionals" would be horrified about, so of course I'll have to share them now.
1) Noodles as weaponry - ignore what HV and books say about baby led weaning and self feeding. Spoon all the food in yourself and stick to non messy items. Cue lots of mash potato and only pasta then can be grabbed with a fork by parent. Child is very welcome to practise self feeding in time to handle school dinners by practising at nursery and letting them clean up the mess. If you must have noodles, roll them into a fork and spoon feed.
2) Turn on Postman Pat and a few Peppa Pig episodes daily. Too much exposure to tv of course, but your child will soon come out with a huge vocabulary of real speech, and most of it with perfect grammar. But side effect might be an over fondness for splashing in muddy puddles.
3) Call in the maintenance specialist to deal with the rest of the anomalies - ie your DH. The occasional nappy change, walks in the park on his shoulders or in the buggy, so that DC is tired out and sleeps better at night.
4) Mobility function anomaly - put only on soft carpets/blankets and rugs. Cordon off sharp corners with cushions and other obstacles like lots of soft toys.

For mums whose product is way past the extended warranty - there is always Tiger Mother. Actually, I think the threat of calling in Tiger Mother is more effective. Mwah ha ha.

Fedupnagging Fri 20-Apr-12 07:28:16

Fwiw, have noted that once your model reaches 13yrs, the sleep malfunction will shut down completely until at least early afternoon. Any attempt to override said shut down will usually result in your model exploding!

ifeelloved Fri 20-Apr-12 07:47:55

I have 2 pink models, apparently at some stage they will want to interact with some blue models, is this advisable?

SaggyOldClothCatPuss Fri 20-Apr-12 08:56:35

Absolutely IFeelLoved! Only through prolonged interaction and and an eventual marriage of the two operating systems, will you be able to install the add on application, !Grandparent mkI'.
This app is vital also for activation of 'Mother in Law From Hell' 'I Told You So' and 'IN My Day we did it like this'!

entropygirl Fri 20-Apr-12 09:11:38

grrrr. mechanic (doctor) refused to service model and insisted we take it back to original delivery site....I am still refusing to return to said site on the basis of rudeness of delivery persons and there failure to accept parcel bigger than letterbox issues...

entropygirl Fri 20-Apr-12 09:14:02

grrrr their/there fault now persistent also...

SaggyOldClothCatPuss Fri 20-Apr-12 09:26:29

Oh CRIKEY! My mkII model has picked up a virus! It has gone into limp mode, is unable to integrate it's morning victual upload and has gone into hibernation!

lancelottie Fri 20-Apr-12 09:40:48

Chilenachica -- have you considered the Scrappage Scheme for your older models?

helpyourself Fri 20-Apr-12 09:47:40

Where did you get it from?

I find its worth paying that little bit extra. Although mine came from Peter Jones they couldn't fix it so I took it to the Apple Store and they just gave me a new one on the spot grin

100years Fri 20-Apr-12 10:02:28

My pink model has developed limpet mode in the past few days. Is there a way to turn this off?

100years Fri 20-Apr-12 10:06:10

Oh yes I forgot to mention the sleep function worked for 3 nights just before Christmas, since then it's been malfunctioning along with the feeding function(which now only wants to operate at night)

I paid £8,000 for mine from and I don't think it's any better than those cheap models from

After only four years it has developed a really annoying whine that no amount of tweaking will fix.

I need to read the manual again.

whatthecatdraggedin - hmm tricky one. You might be entitled to a rebate if you go onto one of those PPI type sites or Lawyers4You.

£8000 should entitle you to a bottle of high grade organic almond oil or something for the squeakiness.
Or have you tried Jaffa Cakes- I find it cures most noises. There's a handy slot in the front of your model to insert them.

blackeyedsusan Fri 20-Apr-12 12:41:28

70, unfortunately my model returns all fuel that contains egg additives. it is not pleasant.

entropygirl Fri 20-Apr-12 12:45:11

I luff you guys!

GnomeDePlume Fri 20-Apr-12 13:26:24

My 1998 model seems to spend a lot of time buffering while sitting on the sofa staring into space.

porcamiseria Fri 20-Apr-12 13:27:59

not funny

Melawen Fri 20-Apr-12 14:23:36

This thread is just hilarious!grin

My own four month old pink model generally works fine but the external facade keeps flaking, surely that's a design fault - can anyone recommend a particular polish or should I speak to the manufacturers at

entropygirl Fri 20-Apr-12 14:28:24

you sure aren't porca....

Not sure if this works for pink models Melawen though no reason why not.

When my blue model was about 2 year old (so fairly new) we found a good layer of mud (garden mud is fine) , sandpit sand or beach sand and melted ice-cream kept the outer casing in good nick.

Don't forget to smear the oval slot (below the two holes where they keep plunging their 'finger' probes in ) with melted chocolate.

Then immerse in a warm solution of H2O and a good quality detergent (Infraderm is good). After a wrap in soft towelling cotton and a light duting of talc, they'll be good as new.

Blue models should have this layer left on for as long as possible, unless you can manually alter to volume switch.

70isaLimitNotaTarget I have tried the Jaffa Cake slot, but at the moment it is too clogged with Easter Egg (I think I accidentally maxed out it's capacity).

Unfortunately while these and other similar fixes do reduce the whine in the short term, I get extreme bounci-ness and a loss of sleep function grin

Do you think I could get a rebate using one of those No Win No Fee people? They're texting me all the time...

SingingSands Fri 20-Apr-12 14:54:58

Mine started off great, a happy smiley compliant model. But at 8yrs old it has become uncooperative and whiney with moments of extreme temper and is showing signs of a worrying door slamming malfunction.

You might get a rebate under Trades Descrition or Sale of Goods Act.
But not under Accidental Injury. I reckon are have a very long waiting list to aquire one of their exclusive models. (Not to mention the £8000)

BTW my Blue Model was rolling at his 4 month mum-and-baby-class and knocked a baby with his arm (complete accident)

This baby that his mum had spent over £12 000 to aquire (many,many IVF cycles)
Luckily she wasn't (too) PFB blush .
He was quite a good model come to think of it.No scratches or anything grin

entropygirl Fri 20-Apr-12 20:25:07

Crikey! I downloaded shapesorterpro but the only noticeable change is that the model dunked every single item of food in her water before eating it.....strange.

FeakAndWeeble Fri 20-Apr-12 21:05:07

Mine leaks sad

HotPinkWeaselWearingLederhosen Fri 20-Apr-12 21:26:44

My original model is now 9 years old. Whilst it can now be taken out side and function perfectly it has a tendency to emit a large amount of byproduct as it is functioning. Mostly random pieces of Lego and small screws

As for the second one the Manufacturer blames me for not following instructions properly. Tab A should not have been inserted into Tab C at all - hence the delivery of a surprising and unexpected model.

Tab C has now been remodelled and upgraded with a small copper coil which has made all the difference.

HotPinkWeaselWearingLederhosen Fri 20-Apr-12 21:31:29

100years not without the model emitting a high pitched screeching noise until it is put back in place, no.

entrpygirl make sure you don't download to your model's apps by mistake (You know how those Hairy Trucker Hands can be a bit clumsy on a keyboard)grin

Check the episode of Torchwood where the Mother of the Bride (Nerys Hughes) is overtaken by a nasty grey, yellow eyed shapeshifter.


edam Fri 20-Apr-12 22:35:47

I have an eight year old model. It seems to have difficulty in completing the homework app; an extremely loud audio error message appears whenever this task is set. Kind of a huffing, puffing noise? Can anyone assist?

MrsShitty Fri 20-Apr-12 22:57:21

Can anyone advise me on the "Off" setting for my 2008 model please? I repeatedly press the "off" switch and nothing keeps on making these whirring and whining noises.

I am worried as if it won't turn off EVER then it's internal mechanism may go kerplunk.

I have tried unplugging it at the mains but that made is emit a high pitched shrieking noise.

afussyphase Fri 20-Apr-12 23:12:14

My 13 month old unit has a flaw in its tissue detection, and commonly mistakes my trousers, just above the knee, as the best place for removal of nasal emissions. The giggle mode is good, though.

openerofjars Fri 20-Apr-12 23:19:29

MrsShitty, I have a similar noise issue with my 2008 model: I think it is a design flaw that needs fixing. It seems to abate when integrated with the CBeebies matrix.

Some time ago (I may have been drunk. It was late at night, anyway), I seem to have inadvertently ordered a second unit, due to be delivered in 5 weeks from now (although dates may vary and I have no tracking number, grr). Unfortunately, I cannot remember the start up sequence and seem to have lost all but the Miriam Stoppard version of the instruction manual.

I seem to remember that delivery from this company can be a bit of a hassle and have decided to take time off work to wait in for it, unless I end up needing to go and pick it up from the depot as happened last time.

Any tips for charging up/maintaining this newer model? I cannot remember if the OS has been upgraded in the last 3.5 years and if protocols for startup have been altered.

edam I found the homework app (for my 12 yo Blue Model) is enhanced when the homework-well it's only the maths- is presented online. Blue can communicate with Windows XP far easier than he can with his own mother hmm. It's like his X-Box, needs to plug in to recharge on a daily basis..

No OFF switch on my 1999 model. I think they were getting rid of some old stock (got mine in Dec '99) before the Millenium.

Re the tissue detection flaw.
They soon allocate a discreet area of fabric covering-sleeve in blue's case- to deal with fluid overspills.

ouryve Fri 20-Apr-12 23:21:34

I tried to take mine back and get a refund, but Woollies went bust.

kipperandtiger Fri 20-Apr-12 23:27:25

edam - Try carrot and stick approach? Am into home remedies made with stuff you find lying around, eg carrots. But I think the online approach can also be very successful - get them to do homework on the computer.

entropygirl Sat 21-Apr-12 09:53:37

hmm yes I do wonder how the Y2K bug has affected models....

HJMP Sat 21-Apr-12 10:12:09

I have a Dec 99 model too. Mine is regularly stuck in 'buffering' mode. Usually when in bed or on the sofa. It is also missing the tomtom function.

edam Sat 21-Apr-12 11:07:23

thanks for the advice. My Jul 03 model does seem to interact well with ''. Sadly the other solution results in the error message 'I hate carrots'. Other common functions include ability to switch TV channels to CBBC on iPlayer even when I want to watch a different programme.

Another issue: the bedtime mode. Model responds with a variety of delaying tactics including 'oh, I just need to finish...' <game/book/anything nearby that can be fiddled with> Playing with cat mode seems to crop up frequently here, as does the audio message 'I've left my favourite sword/teddy downstairs and I need it before I can go to sleep.' If other tactics fail, model announces 'I need a wee' even when an opportunity to use this function has already been presented.

SaggyOldClothCatPuss Sat 21-Apr-12 17:52:16

I nominated this tread for classics. It's still in AIBU! I think HQ is being UR! This is the funniest thing I've read in years! grin

HJMP Sat 21-Apr-12 19:05:54

I've nominated it too!

SaggyOldClothCatPuss Sat 21-Apr-12 20:14:04

And that revolting poo thread made classics, this is much better!

RebeccaMumsnet (MNHQ) Sat 21-Apr-12 20:19:05




Shoshe Sat 21-Apr-12 20:34:50

Mine is a blue model, to be truthful was not too faulty, as it got older did tho get dirtier and smellier.

Repeatedly broke its self when teamed with a oval ball.

BUT when it interacted with a pink model, improved greatly, until


Now I just hand over the handbook grin

entropygirl Sat 21-Apr-12 20:45:36

woop woop thanks mnhq!!!

Hopefullyrecovering Sat 21-Apr-12 20:56:01

The older model's self-cleaning function is not working. We cleaned it manually for the first 5/6 years. The self-cleaning function worked for the next 5/6 years. Now it has failed utterly. We tried all the buttons. Still not working.

The model is too unwieldy for manual cleaning now. Do you have any suggestions? Would a hose work?

SaggyOldClothCatPuss Sat 21-Apr-12 21:03:53

I've Ben tempted to take the steam cleaner to my blue model.
I have discovered that most units are actually self cleaning!
Just strip the unit down and switch to night mode, then in the Mormon when you reactivate, they are clean!!

Shoshe Sat 21-Apr-12 22:16:33

Hope, no nothing will work under force, best left to fester in a dark room until further notice.

GeekLove Sat 21-Apr-12 22:19:27

Your unit has a re-baptising function? Maybe you could hack it that the baptism function performs the self-clean operation?

SaggyOldClothCatPuss Sat 21-Apr-12 22:22:51

DOH! morning not mormon! blush

GeekLove Sat 21-Apr-12 22:34:24

My 2008 model has recently initiated self cleaning but is having issues with its output sensors. Failure to issue a prompt alarm every hour results in leakage of coolant fluid and solid matter. Is there an upgrade for the 2008 model now or do we have to wait for it to be released?

Hopefullyrecovering Sun 22-Apr-12 00:46:28

Interesting that the Y2K bug has been spotted earlier. My Y2K model has two gremlins. The first is related to battery life. It requires frequent recharging. Too frequent, and usually with chocolate. The second issue relates to spillage. The rotor arm frequently knocks jugs of water over. We have sealed the dining room floor and table, but the number of broken jugs is now into double figures.

Sadly, the extended warranty period (which we did of course invest in) is over. There have been multiple attempts at repair. However, I've established that there is a trading resource, which I know will interest many of you, here:

I have had my two models, one pink, one blue, for ages and I do think they have a self-repair and auto-develop property. They started off a bit rubbish, to be honest, but as I have had them for nearly twenty years, they seem to be improving.

Some of the rough edges have been knocked off, the compassion function seems to have started up, the user-interface is not required so often as in the early days and the independence mode is now fully activated.

I still covet brand new models though.

tomatoplantproject Sun 22-Apr-12 08:34:13

I have just ordered a model for early november. Colour unknown. I am waiting for confirmation that the build is on time and to plan. I have noticed that my own technology has started to malfunction particularly the sleep app and breasts app (which seem to have increased in volume).

I am starting to worry about how to avoid technical malfunctions, and have heard that the technical manual is now out of print. Can anyone help?

Apparently the user-model interface is especially powerful in the first few months and can safely be deployed in the absence of a manual.


QOD Sun 22-Apr-12 17:33:39

I'm just pissed of because apparently a birth certificate isn't a receipt

needshelpwitheveryday Fri 27-Apr-12 15:30:24

you wait till they are 16 start mumbling incoherently and slamming doors for no discern-able reason...... at least you will get the cute middle years where they hand out hugs, don't smell of BO and are generally happy and loving to look forward to for me the war is over and some greasy smelly thing has taken up permanent residence where once there was a cute baby boy.

I have tried repeatedly to get a refund but I am told that this is extremely painful and its better to just wait it out.......doctors what do they know!!!

entropygirl Fri 27-Apr-12 15:37:30

hand out hugs??? did you see my thread today? The number one fault with my model is it hates hugging and never ever wants to snuggle with me.....

Hopefullyrecovering Fri 27-Apr-12 15:45:45

My first (pink) model has this defect, but the second (blue) model doesn't. Is this an upgrade? Or a difference between pink and blue models?

Lashadey Fri 27-Apr-12 16:33:53

I got 2 of the 2008 model - buy one, get one free. They told me they were identical in function but they have worked totally different from each other the moment we took them home. I took them back but they told my the birth certificate is only a proof of ownership and not a receipt at all.

Now, 4 years on, one of them acts like a much older model and decides not to respond regardless of any buttons pushed, the other launches into self-destruct mode when any of said buttons are pushed, trying to pound her own motherboard against the kitchen floor.

I have since learnt that the manufacturer is dodgy though, so no way I'm purchasing any more. I'm just going to have to learn how to re-programme the ones I already have. hmm

fussbucket Fri 27-Apr-12 18:01:56

I didn't even order one from the manufacturer, unfortunately there was a glitch with the ordering system, almost certainly caused by ScrumpyJack2.0 round about the time England progressed to the quarterfinals of the World Cup in 1998, and by the time I discovered the unit was on its way it was too late to do anything about it. And when it arrived they sent a duplicate order 11 minutes later, which insisted on coming out feet first.

MusieB Fri 27-Apr-12 18:06:07

I have always found it very difficult to affix accessories sufficiently securely to my 2003 pink model. It jettisons them regularly and unexpectedly and its memory bank rarely holds any record of where and when this has happened. I am getting bored of purchasing identical accessories as replacements. I don't really want to tie them on with string or stick them on with duct tape (the manufacturer's useless suggestions) as that would detract from the outward appearance of the unit. Any ideas how I might resolve this issue?
I am also finding that certain instructions have to be input several times before the unit recognises them. Do you think I am keying them in wrong?

entropygirl Fri 27-Apr-12 18:11:44

fussbucket good grief! That is why I never buy online...

GiantPuffball Sat 28-Apr-12 07:12:43

My 2009 blue model seems to have its communication stuck on No! I've tried to fix it, and its now stuck on Why? I didn't have this problem with my pink 2004 model.

LadyMaryCrawley Sat 28-Apr-12 12:12:52

I'm still queuing patiently outside the shop for mine. I did have one on order, but there was a problem with production/despatch, so I am going to try re-ordering and hope that works.

entropygirl Sat 28-Apr-12 22:55:45

oh dear lady I am sorry to hear that. I had a few dispatch errors before mine finally arrived too. Fingers crossed for you!

Megfox Mon 30-Apr-12 14:08:59

When I was just a month shy of eighteen, in 1974 and had my first child, no-one told me that my life would become a constant round of hideously-swollen breasts and disturbed nights - that carried on till my son was seven!

No-one told me that he would become a very disturbed teenager - who'd steal from me and from his elderly Nan without a twinge of conscience......

Children don't come with a warranty. If their wiring is faulty, you just have to cope with it, best you can - because you sure as HELL can't send it back!

And when one is in the lowest of the low of social and financial classes, one has NO resources on which to fall back.

So, while all you, 'Yummy Mummies,' are fretting over your planned babies, worried about which schools they'll get into, spare a thought for those of us who didn't plan to be mothers and who have had a constant struggle to raise our children.

We aren't all junkies, living in sink estates. We didn't have a choice as to where our children went to school; we sent them to the local comprehensive and hoped for the best......

100years Mon 30-Apr-12 16:06:33

lady I hope the re-order is on a high priority.

Meg, sorry you have missed the point of this thread and I don't think anyone so far has called other people junkies etc.

I was going to come in here and talk about my latest wiring malfunction but not sure I should now.

entropygirl Mon 30-Apr-12 17:02:27

Meg Yeah how dare people complain while other people have it worse....oh wait....there are people who have it even worse than you! So why don't you follow your own advice?

ShariH Mon 30-Apr-12 17:34:59

My mid-90's models (one pink, one blue) have provided me with endless entertainment and once the early malfunctions were dealt with (sleep - dysfunction malware and not-eating-that virus to name but two) relatively pleasant to live with. Pink 97 has recently uploaded the 'OllyMursobsession' app and the 'OMG -it'slikethisright' mode still causes some irritation, but overall as long as provided with regular supplies of nail varnish and shoes behaves well. Blue 95 seems to have had the height restriction program removed at some point and needs regular replenishing of footwear and trousers; also consumes vast amounts of cereal and milk at strange hours of the day and night...but both models have passed through the grunting stage and are quite receptive to their manufacturers (as long as they do not attempt in any way to upgrade their own software, especially in the clothes or music department)

(Seems Meg may have had the humour-bypass malware installed at some point)wink

startail Mon 30-Apr-12 17:58:28

My pink '98 model now has the "tea making" app installed, which is excellent.

My 2001 pink model is still very being temperamental, liable to whining and leaking water out of it's eye sockets if it's operating conditions aren't exactly to it's liking.

Unfortunately the manual says this is due to a down load error on the transition to teenager program.

It further states this may take 7 years to improve as the teen program is notoriously unstable.

100years Mon 30-Apr-12 18:34:15

My September 2011 model has started imitating pterodactyls, its not something she's ever had contact with so I've no idea where she got it from.

entropygirl Mon 30-Apr-12 23:10:54

I think the whole teen software package is only in beta testing....

They have 12 years to fix it before my model implodes.....

GiantPuffball Mon 30-Apr-12 23:35:57

Perhaps as a pre 1960 model, Meg hasn't had the humour model installed or only in a very simple ms-dos format?

SaggyOldClothCatPuss Mon 30-Apr-12 23:45:22

As a Pre 1960 model, she is probably still typing out the programme lines for a sense of humour.
It takes hours of input to even change the screen colour, let alone display a smiley face!
Either that or her programme cassette upload has crashed!

Meg I'd just stick to 'PONG' if I was you!

Brookesmommy Tue 01-May-12 15:38:13

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Dillydollydaydream Tue 01-May-12 16:04:07

My model is 5 years old now and I've no end of problems with it. Even from the word go, it was delivered a week later than promised but I was refused compensation. The sleep mode has never worked properly, the feed function ceased to work correctly after the first week.
I think it's time to upgrade, what functions do the 2013 model have does anyone know yet?

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