I pooed on my skirt at work today

(328 Posts)
silverbay Thu 29-Mar-12 23:06:39


I am not a poo troll.

I almost never poo at work. Today was an 'upset tummy' day.

I was wearing a rather huge, billowy Maxi skirt and I must have lost track of exactly where it all was while on loo. Nasty.

Had to do damage limitation with looroll in the cubicle, then stealthy washing in handbasin, all the while praying no-one would come in.

I got away with it. blush

I have a feeling you aren't going to believe me.

Valpollicella Thu 29-Mar-12 23:10:07

Erm. I think you might have a namechange fail situ going on as well...

Sorry to hear about your dicky tum though

Bogeyface Thu 29-Mar-12 23:10:47

I believe you. I had a similar experience, when I was 17 ~(so about 300 years ago!) and in my hippy phase. I had a gorgeous fine cheesecloth skirt that was yards and yards of fabric and I did exactly the same thing, except I was in a busy pub! I had to pretend that some dirty cow had pissed on the floor and I was washing it out blush

Didnt wear it out after that!

LeBOF Thu 29-Mar-12 23:22:18

I believe you. And it was really good of you to share it with us.

LackaDAISYcal Thu 29-Mar-12 23:24:55

I had a similar thing happen with a full length cardi, in a busy supermarket toilet blush

I feel your pain!

JellyBelly10 Thu 29-Mar-12 23:42:06

Not quite the same thing...and FAR TOO MUCH INFORMATION!!!....but years ago (when I was about 15) I went to a friend's house whose parents were very houseproud. I had my period and hadn't changed my tampon for ages and sitting on the sofa (pale green/beige colour!) I realised I had "leaked" a bit! I moved and could see a smallish red patch on the sofa blush about the size of a penny!! I covered it with a cushion (!!) and went to the toilet to change my tampon. Whilst in the toilet I realised that I had actualy leaked quite a lot and my tampon was absolutely saturated. This bit is going to sound far-fetched but I promise it's true! As I pulled it out, it was so heavy with blood that it sort of swung between my legs and flicked a dribble of mucousy blood on the carpeted floor and up the first few inches of the door in front of me which, unbelievably, had a panel which had been wallpapered with a sort of flock wall-paper!!! I dabbed off what I could with tissue paper but there was very obvious staining!!!! I didn't tell anyone but suspect that my friend (and her mother!!) must have worked out it was me!!! blush

NannyPlumIsMyMum Thu 29-Mar-12 23:44:36

jellybelly I'm so sorry but that has made really made me giggle out loud.
It's the sort of thing that happens to me !

TerrierMalpropre Thu 29-Mar-12 23:45:01

Oh Hunny sad <hugz>


ggirltwin2pinot Thu 29-Mar-12 23:45:13

hahahaha @jellybelly you poor thing

i bled heavily all over a cream upholstered chair in a farkin restaurant!!!

JasperJohns Thu 29-Mar-12 23:45:37

Eww to poo story.

JellyBelly, something very similar happened to me when I was 15.

Having hellishly heavy period, was visiting friends of my parents. Realised I was leaking and got up from an armchair to see a big patch of blood. I quickly turned the seat cushion over and said nothing!

Still cringe about this now!

NewHouse Thu 29-Mar-12 23:46:23

Jelly, TMI alert, I believe you, I had a similar removal leak in my bathroom once.

ggirltwin2pinot Thu 29-Mar-12 23:46:24

as we're confessing I also did a shart at teh beginning if an 8hr train journey

lookoveryourshoulder Thu 29-Mar-12 23:56:55

...this has brought back bad memories from years and years and years ago...

I was shopping in a Supermarket - on the second day of a heavy period.....

Went round picking stuff up and tossing in my wire basket... then noticed that there was a long line of little red dots and dashes behind me...

Mortified - I closed my legs together very very tightly and shimmied around to hurriedly finish my shopping - the red dots were turning into long red lines the more I walked around ...

I was hoping that no-one would notice and mentally working out where the nearest public loo was...

Went to the check-out and the girl started wrapping my purchases until she got to meat that I had purchased - the packaging had split and the blood was all over the place....

Bogeyface Fri 30-Mar-12 00:08:22

I cant get over the fact that you finished your shopping look!

I would have dumped the basket, legged it and then been forever confused when I realised I hadnt leaked!

i leaked (heavy period) all over the back of my dress at work a few weeks ago and had to wear my coat for the last 1.5 hours of my shiftblush

my friend got poo all over the back of her pants when (so she says) a unknown colleague diarreah (sp) poo'ed all down the front of the toilet in workshock <vom> she came out of the loo sobbing and the cleaners were in there for AGES sorting it out and she went home (i secretly think she was caught short but was too blush to admit it...i wouldnt it if had happened to me!)

mumblejumble Fri 30-Mar-12 00:25:07

LOL. Don't feel as though I had a bad day now.......trumped long and loud in Tesco blush. I mean all the way down the aisle ....

my mum did that in sainsburys a while back grin

she sneezed really loudly and then farted like a gun being fired! really loud and there was a man stood nearby who jumped with shock and gave her the most hilariously disgusted look and walked offgrin i was a tiny bit close to pissing my pants laughing!

BackPackBackPack Fri 30-Mar-12 00:54:23

grin NoMoreMarbles grin

Solo Fri 30-Mar-12 01:12:13

Lookover I am shaking with laughter here <sorry> , the idea of anyone shimmying around the supermarket with tightly closed legs...grin it's just too much! grin <sorry, sorry...tears!>

Solo Fri 30-Mar-12 01:16:56

Marbles! My Mum spoke to (at a short distance) a tile salesman recently, turned away and took one step up the three steps and let rip! she said 'Oooops!' and carried on. It was quite loud. I wanted to run, but he'd have thought it was me didn't look back.

grin it was the funniest thing I have seen in a long while ( aside from DH Almost doing the splits in the front room last week slipping on water spillage from DDs paintinggringrin <<cackles>>)

ManicPanic Fri 30-Mar-12 02:23:26

If I may join in...
Before starting my shop in local Morrisons, my insides were rumbling a bit (the whole family had been suffering with flu and dodgy tums) so off I hurried to the store toilets, spotting a little old lady hurrying in ahead of me pretty fast. It was just me and the old dear in there, and we must have been suffering from similarily dodgy stomachs...
We dueted a chorus of farts, splats and smells, punctuated only by minutes of mortified silence... we both stayed in there for about 15 minutes, due in part I think to not wanting to come out and have to clap eyes on each other at the washbasins... At one point I even got a mad fit of the giggles, in the end I just waited til she left, and then went home!

ManicPanic Fri 30-Mar-12 02:24:51

I am a bit shock at all the farting mothers in supermarkets...

SnakebiteRattlinBoogaloo Fri 30-Mar-12 07:19:26

Oh this is too much info so early in the morning but...

I went shopping with my mum once, we where stood in line waiting to be served when my mum let out a huge loud fart. Everyone went silent. Then if that wasn't bad enough, mum tried to blame it on the strangers baby in front of us. blush grin

ggirltwin2pinot Fri 30-Mar-12 08:06:21

hahaha love this thread
my mum nearly pooed herself in m&s
I found her standing still staring intently at nothing..i thought she's had a stroke or something ..until she whispered to me
'if i move i'm going to poo'

slinkyboo Fri 30-Mar-12 08:28:48

ggirl I am now crying with laughter!

Gemtubbs Fri 30-Mar-12 16:18:42

lol crying laughing at some of the stories on here.

I went to A&E in the middle of the night once with really bad norovirus, I thought I was dying.

Lucky me, I shat my pants in the waiting room.

IheartAlexReid Fri 30-Mar-12 16:29:12

I have never told anyone this before.

In the early weeks of pg with dc1 I was feeling nauseaus but put it down to morning sickness rather than a bug. I was at work and thankfully alone when I felt the need to fart, unfortunately I followed through in my grey work pants and had to work very hard to stop. Mortified, I tied my coat around my waste and ran to the toilets and then straight to my car and drove home on a handy plastic bag to protect the seats. Phoned my manager on route home and thankfully had pg as an excude to just leave.

After dc1 was born I then had a heavy period and bled through onto a seat in our staff room. I noticed it when I stood up though no one else did. The stain is still there <cringe> four years later!

OhChristFENTON Fri 30-Mar-12 16:32:06

Oh silverbay sad

skirt caught up in bad poo at work, namechange fail, not the best day eh?


LemonMousse Fri 30-Mar-12 16:35:47

Crying with laughter grin

DH once shit himself on a cliff in Corfu! We had climb down the cliff and walk back to the beach through the sea so he could wash it off.

DogEared Fri 30-Mar-12 16:38:29

ggirl "If I move I'm going to poo" HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!! Oh my, that's the funniest thing I've read on here in ages!!!!

My mother died very young (I promise, this DOES get funny!) and in the week between her death and the funeral, we had a lot of people coming to pay their respects. One friend of the family came in, we all cried a lot, and then she took me to one side and said "Oh my God, you mum just died and I've just leaked my period on your sofa"!!!!!!!! I giggled for ages, and I know that my mother would have thought it hilarious, and I felt sooooo bad for my poor friend!

AmethystMoon Fri 30-Mar-12 16:40:07

Thank you everyone for the laughs, I have tears running down my face I'm laughing do hard. Love all the farting mum stories, just sounds so wrong grin

puds11 Fri 30-Mar-12 16:42:24

In the pub i used to work in, a member of staff was running very late. I called him to ask him where he was, and instead of lying, he told the truth which was that he had a dodgey stomach and had shit himself whilst driving to work!
Literally nearly died! grin

5babyangels Fri 30-Mar-12 16:43:52

I have endo and therefore exceptionally heavy periods! At worst you just don't go anywhere for 3 days until storm slightly calmer, however this is virtually impossible sometimes. So we r talking maxi flow tampax and towels and black trousers and long over bottom coat! Although there have been a few occasions I have forgotten black trousers. Once thought a beige skirt would be fine, it was a hot summers day.....er no, had to back out of homemase against the Walls and this year on my birthday in town, in grey trousers could feel myself leaking so went to loo and is was total disaster! Had to strip right off so had something to tie around waste, was totally mortified as id walked through town with terrible blood stains! Got out of toilet and demanded we go home sad fortunately interior of dh's car is red leather, but he still made me sit in my coat! blush

Whatafuzzfoot Fri 30-Mar-12 16:54:16

ha ha ha oh god these are just tooo funny!
Im almost crying with laughter, trying to do the 'shoulders shaking silent laughter' thing. The guy at the next desk to me clearly thinks I have issues hmm

Doyouthinktheysaurus Fri 30-Mar-12 16:55:44

LOL at this thread!

I seem to have a recurring problem familiar to runners as 'runners trots'. I have to restrict caffeine, can only eat toast before a run, go before I go, so to speak and I still get caught short!

I can sympathise with your mum girl, so many times I have been a couple of miles from home breathing through the cramps, scared to run faster in case I poo myself, scared to slow down in case I don't make it. I've only not made it onceblush No more shall be said on the subject......

mum47 Fri 30-Mar-12 16:57:07

Oh my goodness, literally weeping with laughter reading this (though sympathy to 5babyangels condition) I had to leave my o level maths exam aged 15ish due to humungous leakage of blood - wish I'd admitted it though, they might have let me resit the exam!
The first time I went out after birth of DS1, went to see a band and did some serious boogying, wearing pale blue jeans. Bad move. Ended up going into toilet and soaking myself with water and pretending someone had spilled their drink over me. Am more a sort of sedate swaying type now smile

Oh dear...when I read the title I thought eeeeuuuwwww but now I've read the thread and it is disgusting but funny.heres my poo story;

As a mother it was all going well until I had to potty train my ds. The birth,sleepless nights,nappies,feeding all easy but......potty training BROKE me! (and any of you young mums will empathise I'm sure) .anyway all my baby friends had perfect little girls, while I had a huge ( but scrumptious ) sumo baby boy. They all potty trained their perfect girls in a week, "pencil a week off in the summer...do it in the garden...let him run around with his nappy off"....my arse! Took me 2 months.
Anyway, just as I was about to tear my hair out (done rewards,sticker charts,thomas the tank engine pants etc) I invited 3 perfectly posh friends with their perfectly potty trained girls for tea in the garden.
My ds shat his pants. now, you will all know this feeling ,that was when I cracked. Mortified and trying not tocry/shout/wail like mad woman I grabbed ds,ran into kitchen, pulled off pants but twanged pant elastic spraying poo all over kitchen (a little like those muck spraying machines farmers use) screamed "don't move!",ran out to get nappy sack,wipes, clean pants,ran back to kitchen,slipped on poo,knocked self out on tiled floor! When came to, bless, ds still standing there covered in poo and posh friends had quietly scarpered !
That was the only time I sat at bottom step and called dh at work and said " I can't cope!" somewhere outside in her car seat my newborn dd slept blissfully unaware of the drama.
I hasten to add that my ds is a well adjusted 13yr old!

5babyangels Fri 30-Mar-12 17:06:11

Usually I take tranexamic acid and manage it well, but currently bf, so bit of challenge! It is funny though! Let's face it If you see anyone coming out of ladies looking harassed with strange item if clothing wrapped around waste! You know what's happened blush

mum47 Fri 30-Mar-12 17:09:15

Can't stop laughing at the vision of Marbles' DH almost doing splits! My DS has just asked me what is wrong as he thought I was cryingsmile

rhondajean Fri 30-Mar-12 17:17:29

Oh dry white I can't believe your friends all went off and left you alone unconscious with two tiny children and poo everywhere!

My pooing yourself story isn't funny, I had peritonitis and nearly died, but dd1 had terrible constipation as a baby, we tried everything including prune juice with no result, she was howling in pain so we made a doctors appointment.

The doctor was being videoed that say so he sat her on his knee and took of her nappy just as the prune juice came into full effect...everywhere! The fact it's on video somewhere cracks me up when I think about it.

He was very professional but I suspect he had to do a quick change before his next patient, poor man.

AdornMeWithSparkle Fri 30-Mar-12 17:21:01

drywhite - I can't believe your friends abandoned you and your toddler while you were knocked out on the floor!

I had a waterfall cardigan in the toilet incident today. blush

Sat through a play, aged 15, with horrible, horrible cramps (first time I had ever had them) and knowing I must be leaking but too awkward and embarrassed to stand up and try to find the toilets to sort it out. Thank god theatre seats were red but I had leaked right through my jeans and was in tears when I got home trying to wash it out. I also leaked on to the car seat (my mum's thankfully, not a friend's) and the stain was there forever. I nearly killed my mum when she tried to make light of it and joke about the turkey leaking. angry

In lateish pregnancy, talking to my mum on the 'phone - needed a poo but she was nattering on and so was I...ended up doing a bit in my pants! blush Thankfully I was at home.

MainlyMaynie Fri 30-Mar-12 17:22:35

drywhite, your friends left you unconscious on the kitchen floor shock?

swiftybaby Fri 30-Mar-12 17:27:07

God I have shat myself in various places all over theworld.

I can remember though when DS was a couple of months old he had really bad constipation. I was sat on our bed cycling his little legs and I heard a noise loooked down andhe fired outpoo all over me. It was on my face, in my hair etc. I must have screamed as my DH came running in and just laughed at me and then nearly vommed!!

JustHecate Fri 30-Mar-12 17:35:52

drywhite - your friends are bastards. You do not leave an unconscious woman on the floor. what utter bastards.

I have both a humiliating period story and a disgusting poo story.

Which one do you want? grin

drywhite I'm soo sorry to hear your friends just left you. That's awful they don't sound like very good friends sad

TheCunningStunt Fri 30-Mar-12 17:40:24

I am literally crying with laughter at some of these.....especially the farting mothers. It shouldn't be so funny!!!

I once had a really bad tummy and filled my pants as I legged it up the stairs....it felt like it would just be a fartblushhmm. Needless to say it was bad. Thankfully I was home alone.

A few months ago I dropped my mooncup(in my own bathroom) and it looked like I had slaughtered a small animal in there. Blood explosion. Totally gross..still love my mooncup though and that was the first accident in three years.

mrsnesbit Fri 30-Mar-12 17:43:08

OMG ggirltwin2pinot " standing still staring intently" has made me laugh so much my stomach is aching!
Oh God, the laugh i have needed all day...cheered me up no end! grin

Faverolles Fri 30-Mar-12 17:48:02

Hecate - do you even have to ask? Both of them please grin

I've been laughing so hard at these I can't breathe! Ds1 thought I was dying and looked really concerned and patted my back.

GravyAndALumpyMashBaby Fri 30-Mar-12 17:48:55

Drywipe Who the hell leaves their friend out cold on the kitchen floor?! With two chldren in the house with them?
I hope you made sure everyone knew what they had done! What if you hadn't come around on your own? How vile of them.

In their defence I don't think they knew I had knocked self out and were trying to be discreet and leave me alone in a stressful moment.prob felt awkward being there.but funnily enough they are not friends of mine any more!

toomuchmonthatendofthemoney Fri 30-Mar-12 17:51:26

Dry white, seriously, they left you unconscious on the floor with 2children
and left???? Did they know you were knocked out??? shock

MrsMuddyPuddles Fri 30-Mar-12 17:53:41

drywhite, I do hope that these are now former friends! shock

Hecate, we want both stories, of course! grin

RunOrRioja Fri 30-Mar-12 17:54:25

At Uni was watching a friend play in a five a side final, he was goalkeeper. Just after the second half started he went in for a lunge to kick the ball out. He did it then ran straight to referee. Game called off for five minutes.

Poor friend had shat himself. This was in year one of a three year course. He was and is forever known as "you know Jim, the one who shat his pants"

Drywhite is that really true? Your friends left you? Unconscious and with a toddler and a baby?

toomuchmonthatendofthemoney Fri 30-Mar-12 17:54:56

Oops xpost with drywhite

Come on Hec fess up.

Have posted this story before, but here goes Do not read if delicate ;

In my wild younger days, I had a one night stand with someone I knew from a nightclub. It was all very satisfying in my drunken haze.

Awoke the next morning (at his) hungover and shagged out. On looking over at the man, I realise i had gotten my period at some point that night. I realise this due to what can only be described as his beard of blood complete with a clot on his cheek like a little tear drop.

I scampered before he woke and never went back to that club

blush blush blush

'if I move I'm going to poo' just cheered up my day hugely.

JustHecate Fri 30-Mar-12 17:58:46

grin How did I guess?!

period - Went with my husband to meet some of his friends for the first time. This was early on in our relationship.

We spent a nice evening together, even when the wife of his friend asked me "what do whites eat?" and I told her jellied eels and pigs' trotters [going straight to hell emoticon]. I was wearing a lovely pair of creamish trousers.

Get to the end of the evening, and we are preparing to leave. I go to the loo. To discover I have started my period. Heavily. And my cream trousers are totally crimson all round the crotch area. They must have been looking at that all evening. <dies>

Poo - very very drunk/ill (drunk!) and on the loo but needed to vomit. Bent over the loo and began throwing up. So far so good. What's not so good is that while I was throwing up I was also having projectile diarrhoea. With every heave, out it came from both ends. Turned round and it was 3/4 of the way up the loo door. I was trying to clean it up off the door and floor but it was so disgusting that I vomited into it.

I have assorted farting in front of people stories, but, tbh, after that - they'd just be a huge disappointment.

<checks this is in Chat so it will vanish>
<presses post>

Blu Fri 30-Mar-12 18:04:18

I will never buy a waterfall cardigan or other long and drapey garment from a charity shop ever again.

BeerTricksPott3r Fri 30-Mar-12 18:14:34

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KisMittz Fri 30-Mar-12 18:39:06

Can we involve sick stories!?

On a train in Prague with a violent D and V bug. There were NO toilets on the train, and I was with students..... no carrier bags blush rather than pebble dash the packed train of, for some reason predominantly elderly women, I vomited copiously into my own top.
We then had a further train journey, a bus journey and a walk back to the hotel......
Where the bastards rest of my group scarpered to the nearest bar, leaving me, very ill, to clean myself up. weeping in a COLD shower......

14UnitsMyArse Fri 30-Mar-12 18:41:43

<boak> confused

Gemtubbs Fri 30-Mar-12 20:11:19

I was in the living room talking to my sil, I was on the sofa and she was sitting on the floor. I accidently did a massive fart, which to my horror turned into a fanny fart iykwim. my sil was really offended and asked if I'd forgotten where I was or something. I'm laughing as I type this haha.

Gemtubbs Fri 30-Mar-12 20:12:26

I forgot to say that it was more or less in my sil's face. blush

Gemtubbs gringringrin

gabsid Fri 30-Mar-12 20:25:20

I don't think I want to hear this!

gabsid Fri 30-Mar-12 20:25:56

Sorry, read about this!

Gemtubbs Fri 30-Mar-12 20:27:30

gabsid, you on the wrong thread. [smile]

My poo story isn't as embarrassing, but I thought I'd share it anyway. I was in transit through heathrow when I was desperate for a poo. The DSs were about 4&5 so I left them with the luggage and strict instructions not to move. I went to the loo and had explosive diorrhea but when I flushed, the water level kept rising till it was level with the top of the bowl. Then the flush stopped working and the water level remained high.

By this time I was worried about the boys being left outside, but I was also conscious of a huge queue of women waiting for a cubicle.

I stayed as long as I could, but eventually just scarpered, found the DC and left the area.

Gauchita Fri 30-Mar-12 20:29:45

Ggirl, I'm crying here with laughter! grin I can picture your mums face ha ha ha <weeps>

CupOfBrownJoy Fri 30-Mar-12 20:40:13

Great thread - I'm just going to leave my "farting mum" story before I finish reading....

I was doing Pilates next to my mum, in a big gym class. We were lying on the floor, in silence, all concentrating on doing those exercises where you lift one leg in the air and jiggle it about lots (sorry I'm sure there's a technical term but I only went to about 2 classes...).

Anyway everyone was concentrating really hard and my mum let out a little tiny fart. I think she thought she had got away with it, but I creased up laughing on the floor next to her, and then the laughing spread slowly around 5 or 6 women around us - they had all heard her. My poor mum was mortified, especially when the instructor asked us what was wrong and I said, clear as a bell "sorry, mum farted" grin.

Luckily by this point my mum had got the uncontrollable giggles as well....

ok off to read some more now - LOVE the M&S story grin

Gemtubbs Fri 30-Mar-12 20:43:11

lol cupofbrownjoy! grin

CupOfBrownJoy Fri 30-Mar-12 20:54:43

ok, hmm do I post this or not?.... here goes

I have never admitted this to anyone before.... blush

I was walking the dog once after work, across a couple of big fields with a stream running through them, no-one else around.

I'd gone quite far when I suddenly felt the urge to poo. I turned around and started heading for home. Fairly casually at first, then rather more quickly. Eventually I got to the point where if I went any quicker I was going to poo myself, but any slower and I was definitely not going to make it in time.

To my eternal shame I had to think of a plan B, and quickly. Thank God the place was still deserted - I ended up dropping my keks, squatting in the stream and doing a humungous poo right there in the shallows. I just hope I didn't contaminate anyone's drinking water or anything. I had to try to clean myself with a wet pebble blush

Honestly, I wish I was lying....

I don't know if I feel better or worse for having 'fessed up to that... confused

RightUpMyRue Fri 30-Mar-12 20:59:03

"If I move I'm going to poo"


Too funny.

TheTenuousVoiceofExperience Fri 30-Mar-12 20:59:20

Always good to celebrate an embarrassing fart with a fit of giggles to lighten the atmosphere afterwards cupofbrownjoy!

I have been known to shart in various places. They're always those ones that follow a diarrhea bug, when you think you're going to quietly expel some left over air, but to your surprise a big flow of poo follows.

I am proud to say that I have sharted in the DVD section of Asda (had to throw my knickers in the sanitary towel bin and go commando) and... on the kitchen floor. In front of the children eating their breakfast. Happy days.

RightUpMyRue Fri 30-Mar-12 21:00:40

A wet pebble!!!

LMAO grin

AdornMeWithSparkle Fri 30-Mar-12 21:02:04

cupofbrownjoy actual LOL at cleaning yourself with a wet pebble!!
No leaves or grass?
I think I would have gone with my hand <boak> and then left it in the stream for many minutes to be thoroughly rinsed!

CupOfBrownJoy Fri 30-Mar-12 21:06:36

honestly I don't how the wet pebble looked like the least worst option but to be fair I was under a lot of stress at the time....

"on the kitchen floor. In front of the children eating their breakfast."
TTVOE please explain how that happened?? grin

ShatnersBassoon Fri 30-Mar-12 21:09:33

Wet pebble!!! grin

That has really made me laugh very, very loudly.

Wallace Fri 30-Mar-12 21:11:28

love AlexReid's typo - shat in her pants and had to tie a jumper round her WASTE! grin

rosycheeksmum Fri 30-Mar-12 21:14:05

I once went for a pee and the bow at the back of my knickers had come untied, it trailed in the pee without me realising and as I walked back into the office it dripped pee on the carpet as I walked.

ShatnersBassoon Fri 30-Mar-12 21:14:43

Just remembered I have a flatulent mother story.

My mum had had a pretty awful stomach bug when stopping at our house, and ended up collapsing. We called an ambulance, and when they arrived, she was conscious but confused and retching into a washing up bowl. With every retch, she was releasing Tommy Squealers and after every one she said to the ambulance man "I'm so sorry Alan". We have no idea what the man's name was, but the chances of it being Alan are extremely slim grin

lepetitchoufleur Fri 30-Mar-12 21:14:46

Ah so funny! I farted in that loud enough to be heard but obviously tried to sneak it out way in a supermarket once and then could NOT stop laughing. I got a few disgusted looks from peeps with no sense of humour.

DoingTheBestICan Fri 30-Mar-12 21:18:29

Absolutely the best thread ever,pissing myself laughing,reminds me of going shopping with my mum in m&s,she was looking at the men's jumpers for a gift for my dad and I was in the next aisle,I could hear a massively loud bubbly fart,I looked up and could see my mum's shoulders shaking from laughing.
There was a man stood in my aisle who gave me the most disgusted look and he flounced off, mum was pissing herself laughing at me,still don't know who did the fart but I feel sorry for whoever did it cos there tummy must have been killing them.

CupOfBrownJoy Fri 30-Mar-12 21:19:48

"I'm so sorry Alan"

I'm ROFL at that grin

fuckwittery Fri 30-Mar-12 21:21:56

wet pebble ahahahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaa !

i weed on the carpet in two different rooms and once on my duvet while I was in labour - desperate for a wee with every contraction -couldn't move to get to the loo - it just seemed better to let go and I thought it would give my DH something to do as he cleaned it up (day 3 of a looooong labour)

Ahem. I once pooed on the finger of a man I was in love with when I slept with him for the first time. He was into that MN friday night thing you all seem to like and we had got drunk and in my drunkeness I didn't realise that the drink had loosened my bowels. Although he washed his hands as he drove me home I could still smell the poo. Reader, I did NOT marry him, and I never saw him again.

No period stories thank the god. I suffer from tummy bugs a lot and have frequently pooed myself while vomiting. I have after some experience decided it is better to prioritise the poo NOT the vomit, remain on the toilet and either catch the vomit in your clothing or if your toilet happens to be next to the sink or bath it's your lucky day.

vix1980 Fri 30-Mar-12 21:25:55

Im loving these stories... im ashamed to admit this especially as ive never actually even farted in front of my dp of 11 yrs, but here goes...

we'd been out for a curry on friday night so dp stays over (still living with parents back then), the next morning i really needed to fart but being ladylike held it in till i got to the toilet, once i sat down though i literally couldnt of stopped if id wanted to, thought it would never end at 1 point, but thankfully it did, so wiped and stood up, thought no more of it till i went downstairs to get a drink.

id been downstairs for a while watching tv when dp got up, i heard him go into the toilet and scream in horror, he came down to tell me someone had pooed on the bathroom floor, thinking it was the cat or something i went to have a look and there it was a bit of runny poo on the toilet mat, he then stared at me and asked if it was me, i kept saying no and blamed my dad, it was then he pointed laughing at my pants... id obviously stood up to wipe and a bit had fallen on the floor and on my pants, i was mortified beyond belief and started crying! thankfully he never saw the chair seat id been sat on downstairs, i made sure i got to it in time!

luckily he still loves me (plus ive got 1 or 2 stories on him now)

getagoldtoof Fri 30-Mar-12 21:27:06

Never told anyone this either and always wanted to get it off my chest. Was on holiday in Devon with my entire family when about 10 years old. We were on the beach and there were no loo facilities for miles around - I would have had to traipse back to the campsite.

I became so desperate for a dump that I couldn't cope any longer. I swam out as far as I could, miles from the shore and had a big shit where no one could see. I thought it would just sink away but it bobbed back up to face me. Floating there in front of me, the product of my bowel blush. I sort of had to bat it away to get past it and swim back to shore.

Ghad blush that feels better!

TheTenuousVoiceofExperience Fri 30-Mar-12 21:29:53

Cupof - honestly it was really easy. I was getting over a d&v bug, and standing at the Aga waiting for the kettle to boil. Released what I thought would be an airy trump but instead crapped on the floor.

I was wearing a dressing gown and a thong which made its passage to the floor that little bit easier. I did get some down my leg too. I think I was as surprised as they were - it literally splatted out.

So glad I'm on a namechange phase... (wanders out whistling)

vix1980 Fri 30-Mar-12 21:33:00

my mums partners name is alan, if i ever hear her say "im so sorry alan" i think i may shit, cry and laugh all in one go. that phrase has just made my night!

also just thought of a farting story, my brother and myself where always at my nans house as kids and she would often fart but nobody was allowed to mention it ever, even though we all knew it came from her, 1 day milkman came to the door for his money, she walked down her long hall opened the door and said il go get my purse, as she walked back down the hall she farted with each step, we saw the milkmans face through the open door in horror, what was worse was that she managed to stop while getting her purse out but then started up again as she walked back down the hall towards him, he took the money and just left sharpish. she never mentioned it and just quietly came into the room to carry on watching her programme while me and my bro sat there with shoulders shuddering dying to laugh.

we cried with laughter when we got home and told our mum about it!

DoingTheBestICan Fri 30-Mar-12 21:37:58

A pebble,wipes tears away,I love this thread.

Just remembered a poo one from ds,he was only about 3mths old and I was changing him and letting some air get to his bum,the door bell went,I picked him up and went to answer it,it was the postman,ds promptly Shit all over me and it was literally dripping onto the floor.
Mr postman made his excuse and left me to it,it was everywhere

lucjam Fri 30-Mar-12 21:39:06

After I had DS (by c section) I had a massive drop in blood pressure due to a huge internal bleed, whilst being examined by doctor who was listening to my abdomen with a stethoscope I farted a LOT, pretty much in her face! I tried to stop it but due to epidural couldn't, I was laughing a lot and every time I laughed I farted which made me laugh even more, ad infinitum!! Worse thing was the farts were really wet because I was bleeding/had lots of fluid down there! Neither the doctor nor the midwife cracked a smile. I apologised, but the be honest I couldn't have care less. Then I pretty much flaked out due to blood pressure of 20/40, that's when they took me to intensive care.

swiftybaby Fri 30-Mar-12 21:47:52

I am hysterical. ' I am sorry alan' is the funniest thing I have heard in a long time

MrsDeeBee Fri 30-Mar-12 21:49:55

Thank you all so much for your stories. thanks

Crying with laughter.

So funny.

walkingcarefully Fri 30-Mar-12 21:55:00

My dad sent a retired builder friend to our house for a rough estimate of work needing done.

The man, seeing he had a captive audience, got ripped into stories of every ailment he had ever had. House was forgotten.
As we moved round to the front of the house, he let off what had to be the longest fart I ever heard. He walked and farted. Where anyone kept so much fart is beyond me.
Dh never let on he heard it.

I had to go inside and lay on the floor crying and laughing. They came in to the house, ignored me and he farted going up each step.

I took hysterics then.

Once at work a male colleague went for what he thought would be a fairly discreet work poo - went in one of the toilets that was out the way etc. However once finished he realised there was no loo roll. He txtd another male colleague asking to bring him some, who promptly dissolved into giggles and told the whole office. Naturally, we all joined the guffaws...

Whilst he was off locating & delivering some, a student on placement with us piped up with a story about her friend, who when on a hiking trip had been at a party the night before and as a result had a bit of a dodgy belly.
Anyway, he had the 'Got to go' moment and after dashing being some rocks, realised he had no tissue paper... But did have a ham sandwich...
He took the ham out and used the non buttered side of the bread....

At this point in the story we were all literally on the floor crying laughing.... Then original paper-free pooer came back in the office feigning an air of nonchalance, sending us all in to further gales of laughter and him to be very red faced!

Just typing that has brought it all back and made me grin grin

WipsGlitter Fri 30-Mar-12 21:57:15

"I had to clean myself with a wet pebble" - brilliant!

Mine is revolting, at Uni, rushed to loo before a lecture, light wasn't working, did my wee, rushed to lecture. All the way through I was sure I had sat in something wet. End of lecture asked friend if there was a wet patch on my skirt. Went to different loo (where light was working), pulled tights down and found someone elses poo stuck on the back of my thigh. They'd shat on the seat and I sat on it.

Bohica Fri 30-Mar-12 21:59:27

I juts woke my DH up laughing at this thread!

callmemrs Fri 30-Mar-12 22:02:28

Oh god I can't be arsed to name change. Was reminded of this by the tampon story unthread.

One year, doing my Christmas shopping in M and S I went to the loo to change my tampon. Very heavy flow at the time. Very busy in loos- queuing out of the door. Eventually get into cubicle, pull on tampon, unfortunately flow was so heavy that string was sopping and slippery. Tampon goes flying out of my hand and out under cubicle door!! Cue gasps and OMG from ladies in queue.

Needless to say, I remained in the cubicle as long as I dared, then held my head high and strode out to the washbasin, ignoring the streak of red across the floor and the tampon lying by the bin . blush blush blush

Is there really such thing as a 'poo troll'? grin

Are there poo trolling threads? Someone please send me a link to jazz up my Friday night smile

Gemtubbs Fri 30-Mar-12 22:04:51

wipsglitter that is so nasty!!

EndoplasmicReticulum Fri 30-Mar-12 22:05:15

I've had to explain to my husband why I was laughing so much. Wet pebble!

My mum still tells the story of how I did a poo on the landing as a child. An older child than you'd expect to be poo-ing on the landing. I was about 11, running for the toilet and pulling pants down on the way, I didn't realise one had flown out of the back. Until my mum trod in it.

EndoplasmicReticulum Fri 30-Mar-12 22:05:52

badtaste - if there is a poo troll they'll be enjoying this thread!

ItsAllGoingToBeFine Fri 30-Mar-12 22:06:05

so is there still a lady in an m and s somewhere staring intently? What did she do? I need to know the outcome

and btw, has anyone seen the op?

Gumby Fri 30-Mar-12 22:06:22

I was once fruit picking as a student , living on a campsite, with the foulest loos and I couldn't go in there no matter what

I was sharing a tent with a friend so every morning I faked a mornign constitutional walk blush

and went off to the woods to poo blush blush literally shitting in the woods

lasted 3 weeks blush blush

Gemtubbs Fri 30-Mar-12 22:06:33

lmao what is it about m & s?

salempickles Fri 30-Mar-12 22:07:16

" Im sorry alan" grin

mine was at xmas just gone, had gone to quite posh restaurant for a meal, we had our mains and i felt i needed to loo so run up the stairs to go, half way through and whilst sat with trousers round my ankles, the lights went out, i must have been in there a while for the automatic sensors to kick in. so i stood up and started waving my arms around trying to trigger them again, it didnt work. i debated texting my dp downstairs to come up and walk in then walk out again so they would come on but decided against it.

it was then i realised they only came on when you opened the main door to the toilets so i thought as the place was fairly empty i was ok to get up run to the door and back again. id just left the cubicle when 3 girls came through the door and stood staring at me in shock, i ran back in and waited till they had all gone, then had to walk past them back to my own table. to make matters worse dp decided to welcome me back by shouting "good god women i thought youd fell down the toilet youve been so long". cue a table full of people giggling and me mortified in the corner, never told dp and never will!

MrsDeeBee Fri 30-Mar-12 22:09:40

I too am curious about the Mum in M&S.

What came first, the move or the poo ? Or was it simutaneous ?

I've had a few of those "got to get to a loo FAST" moments.

Happily most of them happen at home.

This thread is the only one that has made me laugh out loud. The rears are streaming here!gringringringrin

CupOfBrownJoy Fri 30-Mar-12 22:10:16

Gumby its not too bad if you buried it...

I was in West Africa for 3 months, where a lot of the time we camped in the bush and had to dig a hole if we wanted a poo.

The trick was to start digging when you weren't that desperate. A few times I ended up digging faster and more frantically, and then had to aim a poo into the most uselessly tiny hole ever blush

Ooh ooh I have a good supermarket mum farts story!

My poor mum had to have a test in hospital where they filled her bowels with air. The nurse told her afterwards she would feel a bit windy for a while but it it would gradually make its way out.... Afterwards she had some time to kill before her lift was turning up, so she went for a wander around Sainsburys nearby.

Once she was well into the shop the 'pumped in' air decided to make a very loud and swift exit - and she started doing the loudest and most ridiculous comedy fart you've ever heard, which literally didn't stop for about three minutes. She couldn't do anything to stop it and was so embarrassed she dumped her basket and ran for the door.

ggirltwin2pinot Fri 30-Mar-12 22:11:44

Just to reassure you all , my mum is no longer statue-like in m&s . She stood there long enough for 'it to go back up'
and btw there are no loos in M&S Salisbury , I was frantically racing around looking for one thinking she was gonna shit herself!

We did howl with laughter afterwards.

CupOfBrownJoy Fri 30-Mar-12 22:12:27

I'm torn between nominating this thread for classics, and not wanting to preserve my poo story forever!!

Gumby Fri 30-Mar-12 22:13:47

ity's already in classics grin

MrsDeeBee Fri 30-Mar-12 22:14:24

Ahh, the 'urge' disappeared. So the move comes first. smile

I suppose you could have always asked an assistant for some assistance...either a visit to the staff loos, or a desperate dash for a changing room and a request for a bucket ?

CupOfBrownJoy Fri 30-Mar-12 22:15:29

Oh shit (literally) grin

ggirl just rereading your poor mums experience to family who loved it, but we were wondering how you got her to a loo if she couldn't move?what did you do?

LemonMousse Fri 30-Mar-12 22:18:14

I think I may have posted this poo story before but hey ho - lets give it another airing! I used to pick DD2 up from Nursery and then hurry her over the fields as a short cut to collect DD1 from school. Halfway up the fields one day (on a tight schedule) she announced she needed a poo so I whipped her into the bushes and said just this once you can have one here. It was particularly sloppy (sorry!) and I realised I had nothing, not even a snotty hanky, to wipe her bum with. No problem, I used her knickers and was just about to lob them into bushes but she started screaming "Noooo - not my Tweenies (or whatever they were) knickers - nooooooo".
Normally I have more stamina than to give in to a tantrumming 3 yo but I was already late for picking DD1 up so I shoved them in my pocket. You could smell them a mile away. I stood at the school praying nobody would talk to me and had to say to a friend "Please don't come any nearer - my pocket is full of shit" blush

CupOfBrownJoy Fri 30-Mar-12 22:18:20

I'm sure M&S customer services would have taken it in their stride.

Having to hold a bucket in one of the aisles of per una with ggirl's mum pooing into it grin...

I can just see her now... "ooh love have that got that cardi in a 12?"

Good old marksies...

CupOfBrownJoy Fri 30-Mar-12 22:18:53


Selks Fri 30-Mar-12 22:21:19

This thread is so funny! grin

I'm so glad that I'm not the only person who has suffered 'tampon extraction twang embarrassment'...
...Was in a cubicle in a supermarket dealing with changing a sodden tampon during a particularly heavy period, as you do.....pulled the tampon out, for some reason there was slight resistance as it came out then it suddenly popped out with force and swung forwards...and sent a large clot the size of a sea anemone flying off the end of it and under the cubicle partition onto the floor of the next cubicle. Which had someone in it. I heard a shocked intake of breath from the next cubicle and the occupant hurriedly left, with a muttered "dirty cow" under her breath. Tres embarrassing....

MrsDeeBee Fri 30-Mar-12 22:21:24



I can just imagine !

"Can you hold her Jean ? Just wait Modom and I'll get Jason to bring some toilet roll over from the Food Dept"....

KenDoddsDadsDog Fri 30-Mar-12 22:22:59

I have just collapsed laughing about two posts in. Can't stop.

ShatnersBassoon Fri 30-Mar-12 22:23:45

I think M&S creates this problem. Older women are at their most relaxed when they're free to roam and touch cloth caress fabrics. It induces a physical reaction in them.

skrumle Fri 30-Mar-12 22:24:53

Literally crying with laughter. My h came through and I told him why but was laughing so much he didn't understand a word of it. Thank you all. thanks

WhiteTrash Fri 30-Mar-12 22:24:57

GemTubs, Hecate, my sides hurt. Ive been crying with laughter!

StopSwearingNagoo Fri 30-Mar-12 22:25:28

I loved this thread smile

<wipes tears>

<massages cheeks>

MrsDeeBee Fri 30-Mar-12 22:26:08

Oh, don't.

There will be lots of ladies who when they next visit M&S will all be wearing very worried expressions.

They will be identified by the rubbing of tummies, the "oooh" noise they keep making, and the regular, frantic glances towards the nearest exit.

Watch out for the stampede for the nearest loos as we they all leave. grin

Gumby Fri 30-Mar-12 22:26:33

god I'm so glad I'm on cezarette

I had the tugging out of tampon and clot flying around too

mini pills girls, it's life changing

why we sufffer I'll never know

FayKnights Fri 30-Mar-12 22:30:57

ThisweekonFancyPuffin that is the funniest thing I have ever read on Mumsnet, the blood clot like a tear drop has me wheezing like Mutley!

Nobhead Fri 30-Mar-12 22:33:19

I got married in Vegas and the day after the wedding myself and DH went to a diner and had a huge fried breakfast each to cure our hangovers. After an hour or so I felt much better and we went on the roller coaster in the New York hotel. Everything was fine until we were walking around Caesars Palace hotel and I really needed to fart. I thought I would let out a sly one but instead I followed through in a spectacular fashion and had to dash to the bog with shit dripping down my leg and on my white rara skirt blush. I had to throw my knickers away and buy some new ones at Victoria Secret. Possibly the most embaressing moment of my entire life- nice sight for your new husband to have to see too.

Gemtubbs Fri 30-Mar-12 22:38:35

Atleast you know that your husband loves you if he sees you at your most embarrassing moments. smile

FriendofDorothy Fri 30-Mar-12 22:43:14

Oh dear God I haven't ever laughed at a thread so much in my life. Even The Mister came in to see what all the fuss was about and has been giggling his way through it.

itchitch Fri 30-Mar-12 22:43:27

This has reminded me of my most embarrassing poo incident! I was suffering from food poisoning and towards the end of it, I went to pick up dd from the childminders. I was sat on her sofa and felt an ominous rumbling! I knew I had seconds to get to the loo and so ran for it. I did get there in time, but my backside just exploded!! This is prob TMI but shall we just say that the explosion went 360 and sprayed the walls behind the toilet. There was a hoover stored in the cloakroom, behind the loo, and that was covered too. I spent 20 minutes cleaning poo out of every nook and cranny of it and I was totally mortified.

I called for the childminder, who was quite sympathetic, and had to ask to borrow some pants and a pair of trousers to get me home.

I never could look her in the eye again without thinking about that day!! Awful!

ggirltwin2pinot Fri 30-Mar-12 22:44:27

drywhiteplease thankfully the offending poo crawled back up her arse allowing her to carry on perusing in per una until we had a tea and poo breaksmile
she would die if she knew I was telling you all this but she does keep me amused , like the time she was shopping with her skirt tucked in her knickers..classic. We had to go straight home for her to have a lie down she was so mortified

shittyshittybangbang Fri 30-Mar-12 22:48:55

Nightmare scenario.
Always had dodgy tum (IBS) worst accident was when I had taken my daughter to tea in a smart London hotel, and then on to see chitty chitty Bang Bang. Sat down, great seats and just as the car started flying, my stomach started griping, just had to go. I was terrified to stand up,was wearing white jeans (hot sunny afternoon) Didn't want to leave my daughter on her own in the theatre, but had to get to a loo. Eventually had to go, crawled past the rest of the row, knowing I had shit pouring out of me....oh the shame... thank God it was dark. Got to the loo, I was in a dreadful mess. chucked my pants out (down the loo, which was stupid, as it got blocked up, had water pouring everywhere.) white jeans ruined, had to stand half naked in the ladies in the theatre washing my trousers....auful!!! thank God no one came in. Had to put soaking wet jeans back on, tied my cardigan around my middle and then with as much dignity as I could muster get back to my seat. My poor 10 year old daughter was distraught as I had been gone so long. Later in the performance she needed a wee. (Yes I was still sitting there in soaking jeans) When she came back she said "Mummy it was auful the loo was all blocked up, and there was water everywhere....(Ground swallow me up moment) We the had to get the train home, me squelching back in soggy stained jeans.....hideous!
There have been a few others, but that was my worst.

Thingiebob Fri 30-Mar-12 22:49:39

I had a poo situation at the Zoo the other day on a family outing.
I had taken a laxative the day before. Clearly I have a very slow system.
For various I had to explain my predicament to my elderly mother who wanted to know why on earth I didn't carry spare knickers around with me!

'Because I've never SHAT myself whilst out in public before' I hissed at her.

Her: (smiling) I'm pretty sure you have'.

GreatGretzky Fri 30-Mar-12 22:50:59

Oh my God I am crying with laughter. I don't think I've ever laughed so hard at a thread before! grin

A few years ago, front row at a packed gig waiting for the band to come on, a huge fart just crept up on me and I couldn't hold it in. It was a silent but deadly one, it stank. A chorus of 'oh god' 'urgh can you smell that?!' 'what is that smell?!' and the like went up from the people behind and the security guy at the barrier went along the line asking if everyone was ok or did someone need to be lifted out to get to the toilet! I just pretended it wasn't me and looked all round 'ewww'ing with everyone else! blush

this isn't just any poo thread...

cakewench Fri 30-Mar-12 22:56:39

I'm sorry, did no one else notice the "rears are streaming" comment above? Because on top of everything else, it's just made me psml even more.

Love this thread!

Faverolles Fri 30-Mar-12 22:58:43

cake - yes I noticed grin
I've broken my throat laughing with laughing so much - never read a thread as funny as this one grin

Gemtubbs Fri 30-Mar-12 22:58:53

lol I did, but I am finding so much funny on here that I'm starting to keep it to my self. This whole thread is just hilarious. It's just my level. grin

AllthatshewantsisanotherBBaby Fri 30-Mar-12 23:08:04

So funny!! Here are mine:

Aged abt 17 dp and I played a game involving vodka in copious amounts he then proceeded to take me home... Along our route i had to go so we pipped into KFC... I was blotto and insisted I could go by myself... Dp barges in after id been on there 20 mins finds me fast asleep.. Poop all over my hand from wiping!! Lord love him he washed them off for me and put me to bed blush

Second one was on my birthday, found out i was pg with much longed for baby at last decided to go to fav italian for double celebration. Lovely evening rich food and wine... Had been taking xenical... Which works by basically making you shit out fat!! Needed a poo... Sharted.. Had to dash in pub clean self up, sharted again at bus stop had to remove pants!! Awful.

Period wise mine come when they want... Often heavy /clotty... Dp was once summoned to loo at friends party as had manage to fling a cluster of clits so high i couldnt wipe it off!!

Lord knows why Dp is still around... Poo perv im guessing!!

frankie3 Fri 30-Mar-12 23:09:59

Flung a cluster of clits !!! grin

omfg.... "a cluster of clits"

am really very nearly pmsl

LemonMousse Fri 30-Mar-12 23:17:41

What's the collective noun for a group of clitoris? Oh yes - a 'cluster' grin

AllthatshewantsisanotherBBaby Fri 30-Mar-12 23:22:17

Curse this damned phone!!! grin

I have loved this thread! Nearly died when I read "cluster of clits' my stomach and face ache from laughing

FriskyBivalves Fri 30-Mar-12 23:40:59

OP?? Yoohoo, OP?!? How come you've never returned to your thread? grin

People are usually made up to make it into Classics wink

fussbucket Fri 30-Mar-12 23:51:23

Such a comfort to know I'm not the only person to have driven 40 miles to a party, get too pissed to drive home again, get the shits, have to throw knickers away, and belt off to nearest shop to buy new clothes in the morning. PMSL thank you everyone!

5babyangels Fri 30-Mar-12 23:51:30

This is such a funny thread just realised I have a pop story too.....recently been v poorly and had reaction to antibiotics...result terrible diarrhoea and putrid farts! Problem I have never farted in front of dh, silly but true! During poorliness a waft of fart from a sewer from hell would waft into the room! All the family were looking for a rougue nappy that might have escaped! God what's the smell, in the end I had to join in as couldn't admit it was my arse! In end took self to bed where farting although still dangerous wasn't as disturbing! blush

storytopper Fri 30-Mar-12 23:52:31

Tears streaming, face soaking, wheezing so much from laughing I'll have to look for my inhaler.

Best thread ever!!!!

fuckwittery Fri 30-Mar-12 23:55:30

oh crap is it in classics? i only posted on here because I thought it was in chat and wld disappear!

GeekLove Fri 30-Mar-12 23:58:58

My most recent one concerns the then six week old ds2 last year. From having ds1 I was well versed with newborns windy bums and their ability to launch bf poo over great distances. This meant that whenever ds2 had a bare bum he would always be on a muslin 'runway' to protect from poo.
So one warm Saturday I was just getting him dresses only for him to grunt and squeeze out a solid arc of yellow poo, clearing the poo runway and landi g squarely in the lap of my dressing gown instead.
I have to say I was impressed by his capacity that day.

fussbucket Sat 31-Mar-12 00:00:04

Don't worry fuckwittery, I still haven't worked out how to find classics and i'll bet half the rest of MN haven't either.
<now a helpful MNetter's going to come on and tell us all where Classics lives>

What are classics?

gingerpig Sat 31-Mar-12 00:06:27

I feel the need to clarify that there are loos in m&s Salisbury grin

fussbucket Sat 31-Mar-12 00:09:49

Once in a while, the Goddesses of MNHQ decide that something in Chat is just too wonderful to allow to disappear due to the 90 day rule, and save it for evermore in a special place called Classic Threads. Which I once found by accident and spent a whole afternoon of my life (which I will never get back) PMSL in.

Yep, what's classics, and where do we find them?

I'll make you tell me by sharing my poo story...

Taking kids to outdoor park place, to show I'm a great mum. You know, the sort of place where there are good sticks to find, stones to chuck in streams. Nice place to take your dog for a walk.

DD(3) falls off a log, brains herself. Blood everywhere, hysterics. I'm mopping her up with my solitary wet wipe, DS (18 months) ignoring the racket, wandering around with a pine cone.

Wasn't until he bit the pinecone that we realised that it was, in fact, a very large, very firm, dog jobbie.

DD in hysterics again, "mum, mum, it's in his teeth!" And, I had no more wet wipes.

Bluuurrrrrgggggh. Fucking dogs.

fussbucket Sat 31-Mar-12 00:15:24

OMG mybabyweight!

OldLadyKnowsNothing Sat 31-Mar-12 00:16:21

Mumsnet classics. hpurs of entertainment on a soggy day. grin

slacklucy Sat 31-Mar-12 00:20:44

my friend & I were on a sponsored walk, about halfway around & in the woods my friend developed stomach cramps & suddenly had to go! She dived in to a big bush thing & did the business while i stood patiently at the side of the bush.
All the other walkers came past giving me a cheerful "hello" when all i could hear was my friend groaning about no loo roll in the bush behind me.

Fussbucket - the weirdest thing was when we got to playgroup...
"you'll never guess what happened to us this morning..."
recounted the yukky story.
Slightly prim and proper uber mum type "ohmygoodness, what did the hospital say?"

Aye, right. Like you'd go to a+e with a story of "I've let my kid eat crap"
"well, cut down on sugary snacks and drinks, try to get five a day..."
"no, no, no, you don't understand, I've let my kid eat an ACTUAL crap!"

I'm not a great mum, that much is clear, but I'm not an idiot.

Sheesh, what did the hospital say? Muppet.

Rather a lot of beer is making me share this......I have two incidents.

(1) young teenage me, on my period, at a friends house. For some reason, I had either been told to, or didn't know not to, rip a used sanitary towel in half and flush it down the loo (don't worry, I realised pretty quick that it was not the correct way to dispose of them). Well, this day, I ripped a used towel, flushed it down friends loo, went off to do whatever. Cue friends mum coming in to asked if one of us had spilt red pen over her bathroom rug? blush I said nothing. In hindsight, years later, I think how stupid of friend's mother to think it was red ink? Common sense would have made her realise what it was, and either speak to us about it or clean up and never mention it.

(2) at an old job, I instructed outdoor pursuits, and had a group who I had taken to the Rifle's Shed for a lesson on shooting. By the end of the hour and a half, I was desperate for a wee, and the nearest loos were a good ten min walk away. Well, I think the teacher must have thought I was a nutcase as I practically chased her and her students out of the shed with the aim of racing for the nearest loos. By the time they had all gone, I realised I wouldn't be able to make it and thought "well, when in need" and moved to the back of the shed where there were a stack of hay bales etc, thinking I'll crouch down and pee behind those. I couldn;t get my trousers off in time, and ended up peeing myself blush. Thankfully (arf) it was raining really heavy outside, so I took off my fleece, tied it round mmy waist and rolled up my trousers, cropped style and practically ran back to my room to change, thankful that I was soaked from head to foot in rain so was able to hide my embarrassment.

Phew....gkad to get that off my chest.

chipmonkey Sat 31-Mar-12 01:40:13
giraffesCantDonateBoneMarrow Sat 31-Mar-12 02:12:33

I could tell you lots of poo stories my friends and I had from our teen years - we all met at a teen eating disorder support group and it quickly turned in to an eating disorder encouragement group who met outside therapy and took laxatives and discussed vomiting tips. Lets just say taking 10x the recommended dose of dulcolax almost daily and trying to hide it from your family is very difficult!!

JustHecate Sat 31-Mar-12 07:34:37


This cannot go in classics.

wannabestressfree Sat 31-Mar-12 07:47:51

I have crohns disease and have pooed in the following........
A nappy
A trainer in the car
By the side of the motorway........ lorries going past lots of beeping........
a carrier bag
A changing room in Top Shop
A garage forecourt

Have had numerous accidents too and it is rancid and loose [sorry for TMI]

I have no poo shame :}

DressDownFriday Sat 31-Mar-12 08:20:28

I will never tie my jumper/coat around my waist again just incase a mnetter passes and thinks I've shit myself.

CupOfBrownJoy Sat 31-Mar-12 08:29:10

"A changing room in Top Shop"

Into a bag or just on the floor? shock

poor you sad

bagelmonkey Sat 31-Mar-12 08:47:45

I used to work in a nursing home. One lovely old man who lived there & had dementia had completely forgotten all the poo rules.
One morning he came walking along the corridor with his zimmer frame, trousers & pants around his ankles, everything on show, with a trail of (fortunately very well formed) poos trailing behind him and another one on it's way out.
On another occasion he walked along carrying a special gift in his outstretched hand, but had managed to re-dress himself apart from buckling his belt.
And one day a poo just exited from the bottom of his trouser leg as he walked along.

muchtooearly Sat 31-Mar-12 09:27:00

I have literally cried laughing at this thread, particularly the unintentional typos!

To share a couple of my own horrors (having namechanged of course!):

Third first date with hot guy, we end up in bed, shagging enthusiastically.

I had started a period about 3 days previously. My periods are a bit mad, often very heavy but can last anything from 4 to 14 days. This time it had finished the morning of the date. Or so I thought...(you can see where this is going can't you)

While we were having sex, I did think it felt wet down there, but as it had been a while I assumed I'd just forgotten what was normal blush

In fact I had bled copiously. Everywhere. We were both covered from the waist down, my bed looked like a crime scene.

All credit to him, he was entirely unfazed (though I was mortified) and claimed it was a massive turn on and went down on me to prove it. Then we both had a shower, changed the bed and did it again - with much the same outcome.

One that happened to me only this week:

We have a loo at work with 4 cubicles. I normally avoid one of them because the loo in it is a bit dodgy and doesn't always flush properly. A few days ago I went racing in there rather desperate for a poo. All the other cubicles were occupied except the dodgy one, so had to go in. Poo done - thankfully without noise or significant odour - I flush.

The bowl fills. Water comes up to the brim, and then subsides.

Poo has not moved.

I flush again. And again. And again. And the fucker does not move an inch. I start to think I'm going to have to put my hand in and fish it out, or cover it with loo paper and sneak out.

In the end, after 10 flushes it finally retreated.

whackamole Sat 31-Mar-12 09:34:06

I have laughed so much at this thread!

None so much as when OH asked me why I was laughing and I said 'I am so sorry Alan'. The had to explain as was creasing up so much!

*Yes, his name is Alan!

Thingiebob Sat 31-Mar-12 09:47:56

Laughing at 'poo rules' ...

"a cluster of clits"
"rears are streaming"


I have my period atm and IBS and so afraid to laugh as much as I want at this thread for fear of any of the above happening! blush

wannabestressfree Sat 31-Mar-12 10:35:01

Oh cupofbrown straight into the clothes I was trying on........ white trousers no less
I did purchase them....... never wore them due to the unfortunate stains

Pontouf Sat 31-Mar-12 13:24:36

OMG, have had to read this thread over 2 days cos I keep laughing so hard I can't breathe and have to have a little rest from it.

staring intently in M&S and i'm so sorry Alan were person favourites.

Anyway just remembered my own hideous poo story. We had a (really gorgeous) plummer round to fit some new taps in our bathroom. Just after he arrived I realised I needed a poo, but couldn't go as the plummer was in the bathroom (with our only toilet). I thought he'd only be a little while so I waited while he did the work. Unfortunately it was quite a difficult job and it took ages. I was getting cramps and starting to panic a bit. I didn't want to ask him if I could just pop in cos I didn't want the smell to be lingering around while he worked (slightly silly I know).
Anyway it turned out he needed some kind of special washer or something and had to nip to a supplier to get it. Brilliant I thought, I can pop in now - I was pretty desperate by this point. As soon as he left I went straight in and did the most enormous log of a poo I've ever see in my life. Went to flush the loo but realised he'd (obviously) turned the water off! Couldn't turn it back on cos the taps were still off the basin and wasn't sure if water would go everywhere. He had told me he was going to turn the water off and i'd filled the kettle earlier so i could still make tea while he worked. I rushed downstairs and grabbed the kettle full of water and tried to use it to flush the monster poo down. Nothing. Just wasted all my tea water.Was starting to really panic cos this thing stank! I ended up having to don disposable gloves and fish the bloody thing out of the loo, bung it in one of DS's nappy bags and put it in the wheelie bin outside. Managed to do it just as plummer got back. Stupidly I realised later that in my haste I'd left the kettle on the bathroom windowsill above the loo. God knows what he thought blush

YNK Sat 31-Mar-12 13:40:37

My gorgeous new baby DD was having a bare bum kickabout on the changing mat just as DH was coming in from work.
To add to her naked gorgeousness I tied a big ribbon (from the bouquet of flowers he bought me following her birth) to her ankle before opening the door to him.
When my back was turned she had a huge watery shit and her little kicking legs used the ribbon as a giant paintbrush!
She was covered from head to foot as well as a wide area of the floor around the mat! His face was a picture!

CupOfBrownJoy Sat 31-Mar-12 14:22:41

I've just read a couple of these to DP, he's wetting himself laughing (not literally ladies grin )

I haven't owned up to my own story though - do I read it to him and pretend its someone elses? blush

Can't stop laughing

QED Sat 31-Mar-12 14:51:00

Have been sitting here laughing A Lot grin

I'm sure I remember a thread once where people said their children often needed to poo in libraries. And people also discovered the same thing seemed to happen in book shops as well. Can't remember if anyone had any ideas why it happened.

itchitch Sat 31-Mar-12 14:51:15

Must share some poo anecdotes from my dd. Her friend had spent the night at a new boyfriend's flat - had only had a couple of dates. He had to go to work early in the morning so he told her to let herself out and just close the door behind her. She then did a poo in the loo and it wouldn't flush. She decided that it was far too embarrassing to leave it there festering all day to be found later so she fished it out of the loo and put it in a plastic bag. She then put it down on the side for a moment whilst she wrote him a note and then let herself out of the flat. As the door closed she realised she had left the poo, in a carrier bag, on the kitchen worktop next to the note! Couldn't get back in and of course, she never heard from him again!!

Also, we were staying with friends for a week between house moves a while ago. Friend was out and dd needed a poo (has a history of doing wopping ones (sp?) Did a massive one in the loo and it wouldn't flush! While trying to flush it the shower was making some ominous noises too. She panicked and said she had to get rid of it so took a tupperware container from the kitchen and scooped the poo out of the loo. We were both screaming with the grossness of it by then and laughing hysterically! She emptied the offending item into the upstairs loo and then came down and cleaned and bleached the container tio within an inch of its life! Sorted.

When friend came home, her ds wanted a snack so she proceeded to take out THE tupperware container and filled it with - yes you've guessed it! Raisins!!!! We just had to make our excuses and leave to go to the shops and practically wet ourselves on the way (think sore stomach!).

QED Sat 31-Mar-12 14:54:26
QED Sat 31-Mar-12 14:57:57

Oh and it's got the cube of poo on it (hadn't realised when I posted the link) grin

nevertoolate Sat 31-Mar-12 15:29:02

This is the best thread on mumsnet I've ever read.
So I'll have to add my bit.
I was at a dance class and needed to change my tampon but didn't know where the toilets were. Someone offered to show me, and she took me to a big changing room with just one toilet cubicle at the end of the room, you know, the ones that have open bottoms (fnar) and tops so you can hear everything. She said "you can go first", so I did. I tried to do the tampon thing really quietly, but as I was putting the applicator in the bin thing, it fell off the top of the bin and rolled out from under the cubicle and slowly rolled across the changing room floor. This other woman must have been just standing there not believing her eyes. I flushed the loo and went out and just thanked her for showing me where to go, but now I wish I'd had a laugh with her about it rather than just ignoring it...

... but, not half as funny as some of the ones in here, hilarious!!!

Gemtubbs Sat 31-Mar-12 17:18:20

Just remembered one that happened to me a while ago

I was staying at my bf's parents house. In the morning I went for a poo but it wouldn't flush, and every time I flushed the water got higher. Went to get my bf and he came down and tried as well with no success. Then he said "I'll let my mum know, she'll know what to do." I was like Nooooo! You can't tell your mum! We went out the garden and got a stick to try and unblock the toilet, but the stick got stuck in there so it was a toilet filling up with water and shit with a stick poking out of it! So we got another stick and we had to try and unblock it and get the first stick out. It unblocked and we threw the sticks out the garden and then 2 more flushes it was gone. He did tell his mum and we all had a good laugh about it.

Went to a 'step and tone' class this morning.loads of squats.kept thinking and giggling about this thread.
Am trying to pluck up courage to tell my other story....far worse than slipping in ds poo and knocking self out one earlier.

CupOfBrownJoy Sat 31-Mar-12 17:59:24

come on drywhite, you can't leave us hanging smile

do it, do it, do it <chants>

Gemtubbs Sat 31-Mar-12 18:11:08

yes come on drywhite smile

Ok <deep breath> as long as we keep this between just us!I have never told anyone this before.

Many years ago I was taken out for a lovely dinner in Windsor by a boyfriend I had been seeing for a year or two by them. As we walked to the car park I really needed to go to the loo.It hit me way after we had left the restaurant.you know that feeling,you go for a couple of hours not needing the loo and then once you go you need to go every 30min after that.well,it was a bit of an urgent wee with a slight poo too.by the time we got to the car I realised I would not last the 30 min drive home...I was bursting. I was in a huge dilemma because having a wee au naturel was a possibility but already embarrassing enough but I wasn't sure I could squeeze enough to keep the poo in. Panic set in. In the end my bf said just do a quick wee in front on the car (we were parked in a corner of a large c park) I just had to risk it. Did not mention the poo possibility. But I had no choice. Discretely ducked down in front of the car and ,guess what, you can't just do a wee, bloody hell the poo came out too, and the bastard had turned the head lights on and reversed away!!!!!!!!!
In those days I was a complete wallflower...if it had been me now I would have gone berserk but in those days I just felt completely mortified and hoped he had not seen the huge turd that came out of my not so refined bottom!

As an aside....Someone earlier said they had never farted infront of their DP.my good female friend claims she just never farts....I am certain this is a physical impossibility, any doctors out there? It really has been bugging me for a few years but she and her dh insist it's true!

CupOfBrownJoy Sat 31-Mar-12 19:18:42

oh drywhite blush grin

Did the relationship survive poogate?

ggirltwin2pinot Sat 31-Mar-12 19:21:02

drywhite-why the fick did he reverse and turn the headlights on?...bastard
but also hahahahaha you poor thing

ggirltwin2pinot Sat 31-Mar-12 19:21:51

gae and confidence is a wonderful thing isn't it
the things we put upwith/are too embarrassed to admit to when we're young!

ggirltwin2pinot Sat 31-Mar-12 19:22:11


susiedaisy Sat 31-Mar-12 19:28:22

"my mum did that in sainsburys a while back

she sneezed really loudly and then farted like a gun being fired! really loud and there was a man stood nearby who jumped with shock and gave her the most hilariously disgusted look and walked off i was a tiny bit close to pissing my pants laughing!"

nomoremarbles gringringringringringrin so-so funny I have roared with laughter!!

The relationship ended shortly afterwards.......how ca you marry someone who gives you a casserole dish for Xmas,a spice rack for your birthday and thinks its funny to illuminate you doing an al fresco pee(and poo)!!!!! My dh is much nicer....and I occasionally pass wind in his presence but object loudly when he lets rip!

Oh dear, you poor thing but lol! To pick up the period-related embarassment, I went on holiday with my friend and her parents to a static caravan in well-next-the-sea (wild) when I was 15. We had to make the beds up every night as we were sleeping in the living area. I also "leaked" onto my bedsheet, right in the middle of it. The stain was clearly there and very visible all week long, every time we made up the beds. I can't help thinking if I had been her Mum I would either have done a stealthy sheet wash in the loos, or even nipped out and bought a new sheet. But no, there it was, as large as life every time we made the beds.

I'll also tell you, I'm on a roll now and about to go out to dinner with v refined people who would pass out if they knew what I am capable of............I can't look at Monets water lilies without thinking about the time I went to Giverny with dh(before we were married ) and another couple. We had had artichokes the night before (in our family known as fartichokes) and while walking single file along the banks of the famous water Lilly lake with me infront, I accidentally let an SBD escape.thought I wd get away with it being outdoors, but no,god it nearly killed dh and my friends,tried to blame French sewage but they knew! Mortified!!!!!!!

DeepPurple Sat 31-Mar-12 19:52:46

ICanTuckMyBoobsInMyPockets Fri 30-Mar-12 22:10:03
"This thread is the only one that has made me laugh out loud. The rears are streaming here!

Ha ha great typo!

PluckedViolets Sat 31-Mar-12 20:00:59

"Cluster of Clits" fuck-ing hell grin

Here's mine. At work one day in an open plan office. NO one near me as I stood waiting for my print out. Let out THE most disgusting smelly (but silent) fart I had ever produced. No one sees me so I saunter back to my desk at the other side of the office.

Que two members of marketing having a ferious ding dong about said fart "Was it you?", "It wasn't ME mate, must have been you!" etc etc etc

I was too busy pmsl on the other side of the office watchig them bicker like two old ladies.

Classic grin

PluckedViolets Sat 31-Mar-12 20:03:27

Not so classic was when I had the rotovirus and was stark buck naked in my (luckily) bathroom vomiting and pooing myself on the bare wooden floorboards and all up the radiator.

And as I retched onto the bathroom floor I couldn't help but wonder if I would ever get the poo out of the cracks between the planks.....

PluckedViolets Sat 31-Mar-12 20:05:36

Oh and the welder where I used to work who suddenly announced in the middle of a meeting that he had to go home beacuse he had just shat himself. That guy had BALLS I tell you. grin

Quodlibet Sun 01-Apr-12 00:28:57

Slightly shit-encrusted balls by the sound of it.

This thread has just gotten better and better!! Well deserved space in classicsgrin

Il tell you another-fart related onesmile

I was having a girls night in with a group of my mates at about 19 or so, I was sat cross legged on the concrete floor (carpeted) when my friends brother (sex on 2 legsgrin) came home and sat next to me (grin) at that moment I felt I needed to fart but clenched to muffle the noise with my arse cheeks... Anywho once the fart started coming it sounded exactly like when you pinch the top of a balloon and let air out... High pitched so I relaxed a little and the fart rattled out reverberating off the floor in a sort of crescendo peaked by a god-awful stench... And i put the cherry on by word-vomming"better out than in" before i could stop myselfblushThe sexy brother PHSL and told all his mates tooblushblush

mum47 Sun 01-Apr-12 13:20:38

We went to Boston for our honeymoom and stayed in apartment owned by a gay couple called hilariously Ed and B.J. I had a really upset stomach to the extent that I blocked their pristine toilet and my lovely new husband had to unblock it by scooping my shit out of the toilet with the teaspoon from the complimentary drinks and snacks tray as I sat mortified over a cereal bowl in case I had a reoccurrence. Not the idyllic start to our marriage that I had envisaged smile

Pandemoniaa Sun 01-Apr-12 20:52:58

It's so funny is this thread that you could actually shit yourself laughing.

Can I recommend the link to that other classic thread that's been posted a page or so back though? Because not only does it contain "Cube of Poo" but also, one of my particular favourites "Stench Bombing - an extra special mission for a Combat Carl Helicopter".

On the same lines, can anyone remember the Shitting Elf?

IDontWantToBeFatAnymore Sun 01-Apr-12 20:54:46

I couldn't understand why my boyfriend had sent me home.

Walking down the road I realised. Leaking period all. over. the. place. My jeans, his knee. I just died of shame. Have to say, he was lovely about it.

just reading all this with DH...he is crying laughing (me too) he says he was swimming in the sea with his brother and he needed a poo....so pulled down his budgie smugglers and did a dump. the poo promptly popped up behind DH who hadnt noticed....not until he got out of the sea to his brother pointing out the poo was now attached to his long hair.....he has just confessed that to me.

he would like to point out he was 16 then...

Sofabitch Sun 01-Apr-12 21:09:17

That's ok. Once I pooped during orgasm!! I'd had a bit of a dicky tummy and he decided on some butt plug fun. And well. The shame of pooping on his face ruined the relationship. I couldn't take the mr hanky jokes!!

FullyImmersed Sun 01-Apr-12 21:10:17

Have absolutely PMSL at this thread. I have to add my poo story.

I had a free period at college and decided to take a walk.. I walked through a field, over a bridge, through 2 more fields... and then realised I really urgently needed to poo, I started walking very quickly with my bum clenched but very quickly realised there was no way in hell I would make it. It was completely dead with no-one about so I could have just squatted where I was but I was afraid of someone coming so climbed into the bush and let rip.

Full of relief and hanging onto a branch to keep my balance I rummage through my bag to find a tissue... there was none! The only thing I could find was my maths homework due in the next lesson.

So I'm squatting in this bush in the middle of no-where, scrunching up some maths homework trying to make it nice and soft.. when a fucking car drives past me!! Yes, that's right... this bush I had walked 3 fields to get to, backed right onto a road! blush

notquitenormal Sun 01-Apr-12 21:31:09

I was once in a fabric shop with my Mum, staring out of the window wondering when the hell she was going to be finished and we could leave. She could spend hours in those places. I turned around and there she is frantically waving at me, but trying not to be seen.

When I got there she hissed, 'Don't laugh, but I've just shit meself!'

When I stopped laughing I suggested she could use a fabric sample to make some clean knickers, but she belted me round the head and I had to walk behind her while she waddled to the loo. She sent me off to the market to buy new pants with the warning that if I bought a g-string or massive granny pants she'd kick me out.

Another time we were on holiday in Rhyll and while enjoying a day at the beach this dog walks along the path by the wall and did the biggest wee ever, leaving a huge puddle. My sister, about 12, came skipping back from the sea and upon seeing that her feet were all covered in sand decided to wash it off in the 'water' Cue my Mum shreiking and almost body tackling her out of the puddle while my sister happily jumped up and down in it like she was on a bouncy castle.

TwllBach Sun 01-Apr-12 21:35:12

I've tried to post this three times over the last couple of days, but been too embarrassed, so here I go again:

Six years ago, DP lived with his parents. His bedroom was the converted loft up a really steep stair case. At the bottom of the stair case there was a door that had hinges in the middle of it so it concertinad, IYSWIM.

DP and I had been together for maybe two months and he had swept me off my feet. He treated me like I was a princess and lavished me with beautiful words and made me feel so sexy I thought my skin would burst. His parents went away so he invited me to stay at his house, which I'd never done before.

I drove to his house for about 7 and he had made a lovely extravagant meal and we watched a film and then we went to bed and had sex together for the first time and everything was amazing. He left for work the next morning and I said I'd wait for him to come home and went back to sleep.

I woke up around mid morning, desperate for a wee because I hadn't gone since I drove to his house the night before. I tried to open the concertina doors and couldn't, all the while getting more and more desperate. I couldn't. Understand why the fucking thing wouldn't open!

In the end, I ran back up the stairs and had to stand very still while I pissed myself blush I hen knew that I had to shower and sort te carpet out before DP got home, so waddled my way back down te stairs, only to find that you had to push the door and not pull them blush blush

I had a quick shower and then took several cups of water upstairs and 'rinsed' te carpet, then dried it with a hairdryer! I also found myself getting on all fours to sniff the carpet.

I have never told anyone that story.

Cressida1979 Sun 01-Apr-12 21:55:59

My face hurts from laughing so much at this thread! OK here's my shit bucket story.

I completely did my back in a couple of years ago, also had sciatica down one leg, pain was massive and I could only hobble around very very slowly with no sudden moves as this would cause excruciating pain. I was on tramadol for the pain which had rendered my totally constipated, I had not done a poo for about a week.

Got food poisoning from some salad that DP hadn't flippin washed properly which kicked in during the middle of the night. Whatever nasty thing i'd eaten was able to cut through the tramadol constipation no problem. The toilet was in the room next to our bedroom but there was no way I could make it there to poo as was so stiff from being in bed and it hurt too much. DP had to get DD's tummy tub bath thing for me to poo in and had to help me get my PJ trousers down and sit on the bucket whilst I was starting to poo, then hold me on the bucket whilst I did the longest most enormous shit of my life. The first half was really hard because I'd been constipated for so long and was like bits of coal thunking into the bucket. Then it was liquid because of the dodgy food. I did just about manage to wipe my own arse, but DP then had to heave the bucket to the toilet and tip everything away.

I don't even fart in front of DP or wee in front of him, let alone poo. I can now laugh about the shit bucket episode but for months it made me cringe with shame!

The tummy tub was disposed of the next day, couldn't let DD use it after that.

I read this thread thinking "how funny, but nothing that bad ever happened to me"

Then memories started to surface...

Like about 6 yrs ago when I had a seriously bad gastric flu, & my lovely folks brought me back to their house (I'm a single parent) for a few days so that my dd could continue to go to school (I live 20 miles from her school & wasn't capable of driving with the dose I had).

I threw up constantly for 5 days, it got to the stage I had to throw up more urgently than I had to wee, so was kneeling at the loo throwing up which made me leak (wee) into my knickers which I then washed in the sink & then put in the airing cupboard to dry. I'm sure my mum wondered why I was washing my under crackers but she never asked.

Also when I was 18 I felt a bit ill during the last exam of my Leaving cert (I'm Irish) & ended up in hospital & had my appendix out the next day. Apparently this FILLS one's bowels with air...

My 18 yr old mates visited (several times-I was in for 5 days) and HOWLED every time I farted, which made me laugh too. Not good with stitches in ur tum - I has to hold them every time I laughed. My nickname on the ward was "Stitch" & I was soo shy I cringed every time it was used (have changed in the 22 yrs since!)

Well at least it wasn't Farty McFartpants...

LemonMousse Sun 01-Apr-12 22:21:13

Oh this thread just gets better and better! I laughed out loud at the Mum in the fabric shop "Don't laugh, but I've just shit meself" grin

Mums are definitely the best source of toilet humour! grin

scarletforya Sun 01-Apr-12 22:26:15

This is the funniest thing I have ever read. The wet pebble, using a ham sandwich for bog roll, but the cluster of clits nearly finished me off. Totally classic.

Mines not too bad, was at a drinking and smoking session at a friends house when I needed to poo. Went to the loo and it was a cable like log blush An unsinkable. I had to hack it in half with a piece of broken tile I found in the bathroom and it did eventually flush after that. I didn't know what to do with the bit of shitty tile, so I threw it out onto the kitchen roof where it remained until my friend moved out blush

My moment happened when Ds2 was little. I was pushing him in his pushchair across a car park when I realised I urgently needed a poo. There was a loo in the car park, one of those automatic ones. So we went in there and I put him next to the door as I sat down on the loo in relief.

Only, I was mid-dump as he decided to play "press the pretty button" with the door opening button. I sat there with the door opening and closing with me on the loo in full view of everyone in the car park. DS2 was giggling his head off!

A kind lady parked her car in front of the door and then stood with her back to me as I finished!

whojamaflip Sun 01-Apr-12 22:50:49

Dh and me on our way back from honeymoon (weeks camping in Cornwall) and we stopped off at dh's cousins for the night. Went out and got seriously pissed on red bull and vodka (still can't face it now 10 years later <boak>).

Anyway needed a wee in the middle of the night and thinking I was in the tent and could just go outside the door, climbed out of bed and proceeded to wee on the bedroom floor blush. Dh is panicing and pinched me really hard to make me stop - had a massive bruise for about a month on my thigh.

I never admitted it and dh WILL be divorced if he ever tells his cousin.

fuzzpig Sun 01-Apr-12 22:51:31

Wet pebble?!?


ChocolateDippedSproutHater Sun 01-Apr-12 23:26:49

DD2 was two months old and had been constipated. She hadn't pooed for almost three weeks, but as a breastfed baby I was told not to worry, she would go eventually.
She did.
All over DH!!!!
We had gone out for the day with DD1 and my parents, it was the end of the day and we were just packing up after our picnic. DD2 had started to cry so DH picked her up, then found she had pooed. He held her upright as it had gone up her back and was leaking through her dungarees....he realised in horror it was still coming.....there was so much poo (yellow and the consistency of hot dog mustard) that the nappy couldn't cope and it was running down her little legs, dripping of her feet, running down DH's trousers and landing on his shoes shock
It was also on his hands, jacket sleeves, watch strap and making puddles on the grass shock

I was in absolute hysterics, at the sight of him stood there frozen to the spot, not knowing what to do with this little poo machine! grin

Luckily, I had taken a change of clothes for DD2, but poor DH had to drive the 2 hour journey home bare chested, with poo stained trousers.
DD1 refused to get in the car with 'the pooey baby' and went in my dad's car, probably just as well, it smelly pretty awful in the car! This is now a family legend known as "The Day DD2 did a Mustard Poo"

chipmonkey Mon 02-Apr-12 00:25:14

Ds1 is on the other computer and I was reading out some of the posts from this thread and the other older one. He is very concerned that us Mums talk only about poo!

Bogeyface Mon 02-Apr-12 00:28:41

You lot need to order The World of Poo grin

BubbleBobble Mon 02-Apr-12 10:35:59

I once went for a poo (on a toilet, I feel I should clarify) and as it was coming out, I felt resistance. I remember thinking, 'oh bloody hell, this is going to be massive and clog the toilet'.

When I stood up to wipe, I realised I was still wearing a thong and had pooed right through it. I wasn't even drunk, just forgetful. blush

When DS1 was a couple of months old I ha to take both dogs to the vet for their injections. It was a hot day, DS was in shorts and tshirt. I got both dogs and the baby (in car seat) out of the car, and realised I had nowhere to put my credit card, so I slipped it down the side of DS1 in his seat.

Dogs inoculated, time to pay. I slipped my hand down his side for my card - and realised he had done the most enormous assplosion. BF baby poo had erupted up his back and trickled back down, filling the car seat. I slowly removed my hand and rather soiled card, whilst the vet looked at me like this: hmm All I could say was "I suppose you'll want me to wipe this before I pay, so if you could give me a tissue..."

They should've been pleased it wasn't a chequebook.

blush that my shame is in Classics.

Since I'm already embarrassed I might as well tell this one;

Boyfriend was *ahem going down on me and as I came I pissed directly on his face.

Tried to cover by claiming female ejaculation (which he bought). It was piss though he smelt like it too sadly, he thought that after that, that I should 'ejaculate' every time and if I didn't I wasn't haven't a good time grin

TwllBach Mon 02-Apr-12 13:55:00

I have another one for you grin I did post about it before, but I namechanged...

Sometimes my bowels are, erm, problematic. My morning routine goes something like this:

Alarm goes off, get up, go for a wee, try for a poo. Fail in having a poo, get up, go and let the dog out for a wee. While dog is weeing, my body decides it does need to shit, so I spend the next five or so minutes desperate for a crap. Dog comes back in, I pat her on the head, then go back to the toilet.

This particular morning, I realised that I was desperate and feeling a little off colour. As I waited for my dog, I was squeezing my non-poo muscles so tightly I was making funny little noises and a little bit squeezed out anyway blush As I waddled to the loo, a little bit plopped out without me noticing. So I finish on the toilet, step out of the bathroom and there it is. A perfect, round splodge of the darkest brown piece of shit I have ever seen. Right on the new cream carpet in DPs mothers house that we rent.

Of course, I panicked then because I heard DP stirring from teh bedroom, so I carefulyl covered it with my bag that I had thrown on the floor the previous evening, hopped back in to bed while DP showered and frantically psoted my tale of woe on MN, hoping someone would tell me how to clear it up without a stain.

VivianDarkbloom Mon 02-Apr-12 18:18:15

Oh God, this thread! The cluster of clits was just superb! What kind of person's phone autocorrects "clots" to "clits"?! I very rarely talk about them in the plural... grin

I once farted very loudly and very unexpectedly at my friend's house. It was deafening and I'd had no warning it was coming shock but lo and behold it was not just a fart... That has haunted me ever since thinking it might happen again... especially as I now have a penchant for going commando

Salmotrutta Mon 02-Apr-12 19:50:33

I cannot breathe for laughing.

And I've been silently weeping as DH is having a snooze on the sofa.

"I'm so sorry Alan" - <weeps>

And the farting granny who trumped all the way down the hall and back again when the postman (?) came to the door.

<actually dies laughing>

Bogeyface Mon 02-Apr-12 20:10:06

I am not going to go into detail but when I was on the loo earlier the biggest effing bumble bee I have ever seen got in through the window.

As I said, no details other than to add that I was being rather a busy bee myself at the time and therefore needed, after I had jumped off the loo and legged it, clean jeans, clean socks and a clean floor.


Gemtubbs Mon 02-Apr-12 20:50:47

laughing my ass off at this thread. grin

WillowFae Mon 02-Apr-12 20:52:57

Cupofbrownjoy - have you namechanged or is your username just incredibly funny in the context of this thread?

A woman on S and B has just bought a maxi skirt.......have warned her!!!!!!!

SkivingAgain Mon 02-Apr-12 21:25:54

Marking place - page 10, post 232

To cut a long story short - I was with friends travelling in a minibus late at night when I had to be sick. Driver stopped to let me out and I was sick at the side of the road. Rummaged in my bag for a tissue but couldn't find one. All I could find was an (unused of course) sanitary towel that I used to wipe my face. blush

CupOfBrownJoy Mon 02-Apr-12 21:38:30

No namechange Willow!

Happy coincidence grin

coffeewhitenosugar Mon 02-Apr-12 21:49:17

I love this thread, ggirl - I've had the same thing with my Mum in M&S! grin

OneLieIn Mon 02-Apr-12 22:00:15

My totally Über SIL no kids has the tidiest house in the world and is always cleaning. You know the kind...give ds a cake and hoover around her whilst he is still eating.

So a while ago, SIL is following ds around as he is eating his rice krispie chocolate cake, trying to pick the bits up he drops. He's a mess, chocolate all over his face. The house is immaculate and SIL is making sure he doesn't touch or spill a drop. She notices a piece on the floor, picks it up, notices another piece on the floor, picks it up, notices another piece on the floor, picks it up and pops it into her mouth makes me think she cannot be that uber if she is doing that, gasps, chokes, runs around with tongue striking out, gagging....

Turns out that it was a lovely little boy turd not a rice krispie cake.

I have never laughed so much in my entire life.

journoem Mon 02-Apr-12 22:03:24

I love this thread! grin My story:

My boyfriend and I were in Wetherspoons having lunch. I had a prawn starter (yup this is where things go downhill!) and it was delicious. I finished it and we were just talking when I had an awful feeling in my stomach...I thought it was just a fart but nope, it all came out and it was the most disgusting thing I've ever felt blush I told my boyfriend what had happened and I ran to the toilets. Had to bin my sexy, posh knickers and wait for my boyfriend to run to Peacocks to buy me new underwear and leggings. When I went back downstairs there was poo all over the chair so we cleaned it up and legged it. I've never felt so ill, it was so horrible!

VivianDarkbloom Mon 02-Apr-12 22:20:31

Lots of very hardy boyfriends here, I would never confess any of these to my own DP! shock

I am still chuckling about the poor girl who left a poo in a carrier bag on her new paramour's kitchen counter next to an unrelated note... He must have been so confused... grin

TheBolter Mon 02-Apr-12 22:39:02

I like the poo in the carrier bag story too Vivian grin

Dh was at a party once. As he had taken rather a lot of pharmaceuticals he had a dodgy and somewhat unexpected bowel movement in his pants. He made it to the toilet and promptly removed his undergarments. The trousers he managed to rinse but the pants were past the point of no return so he threw them out of the window. Unfortunately they got caught on one of the lower branches of the neighbour's tree. I do sometimes wonder if there's still a pair of shit-filled boxers hanging from a tree in Bath.

A friend of mine was also at a party once. She did a massive poo which got stuck in the u-bend. As there was a long queue outside the bathroom, she decided to fish the poo out throw it out of the window. Unfortunately the poo landed next to a bunch of people who were also at the party, smoking outside.

Solo Tue 03-Apr-12 00:55:54

In 2000, I had a completely new bathroom/toilet put in, the whole thing (all the parts) turned around, retiled, new door ~ everything. So, the door is off, the new loo is in and working and the tiles are being put in. The man doing the tiles is not the man I employed, but the man that my man has employed so I really don't know him and he's not chatty, friendly or Human understanding!
I get the need to have a #2 and hang on for as long as possible until I cannot hang on a minute longer. I can't bring myself to ask him to leave the room, so I take a smallish waste paper bin and a carrier bag out to the garden shed, go inside, line the bin with the bag and...relief!! Thank God for the garden shed!


When I get scared <rare> I laugh and my bladder becomes unreliable! so I'm at work (in another life) and I'm dealing with a glass display fixture which is partially broken and if I undo the wrong part next (or even if I don't!), there's a good chance that it'll smash to the floor. Glass is somewhat frightening in its broken form. I start laughing <scared> , then start weeing, then start running to the loo's. Knickers off, washing them in the basin and into my locker, then have to work in a busy store with no drawers on until I can nip into M&S at lunchtime!!

There are others, but there is no way I'm sharing! grin

MyDogShitsShoes Tue 03-Apr-12 02:30:47

Thank you thank you thank you.

Just read the whole thread in one go. Having a vile night stuck in hospital syringing dioralyte into ds every 10 minutes in a vain attempt to avoid an iv.

Did not expect any of tonight to ne spent crying with laughter.

If I move i'm going to poo
I'm so sorry Alan
Don't laugh but I've shit meself.

I simply don't have the words!

Some of these are so funny! I have been giggling all morning grin luckily it's just me and DS up so noone is questioning the random outbursts!

When DS was about 6 weeks old, he projectile vomited a feed all over me. It was on my face, in my hair, on my clothes.... So I put him on a muslin covered changing mat, stripped off my clothes ( obv at home) to change him. While I was getting the clothes off I decided I change his nappy. Cue massive long piss all over me, the carpet, the changing mat.
I lifted him up, to change the sodden muslin, and propped him on my knee. As I was putting a new clean muslin down, I became aware that my leg was getting rather warm... Looked down to see mustard coloured bf shit running down my thigh into the carpet. So DS and I are covered in puke, piss and shit, and I am sitting there completely unable to do anything for fear of dripping some sort of bodily fluid around the rest of the (rented) house grin

LtheWife Tue 03-Apr-12 20:29:44

Nobhead, I totally sympathise! We got married in Disneyworld, three weeks on an all inclusive type package that consisted of 3 full restaurant meals a day (2 of which were 3 course meals). Clearly the sheer amount of food had taken a huge toll on my system as on our last day, killing time waiting for our transfer to the airport we were wandering around one of the resorts. With no warning whatsoever I just started explosive pooing and couldn't stop blush. I had to crouch on the floor where I stood whilst my new DH ran to the nearest pool to get a towel to wrap around me so I could escape to the nearest toilets and clean up.

Once in the toilets I found out it was all over my sundress and there was no way I could have stripped off and stood at the sink to wash it incase someone came in. So I threw the dress in the bin and sent my DH a text asking him to go into one of the shops and buy something for me to change in to. He eventually returned with a multipack of Mickey Mouse knickers, a pair of red cropped jogging bottoms complete with Minnie Mouse print and THE most hideous multicoloured floral blouse I've ever seen. It looked like a clown had eaten mickey mouse shaped confetti, a box of neon crayola crayons and thrown up over it.

I'm not sure which part of the whole experience was more embarrassing, the pooing in public in disneyworld, listening to the woman who came into the toilets with her young daughter, spent ten minutes complaining about the awful smell and how disgusting some people are or having to walk back to our hotel, get the transfer to the airport, endure 9 hours on an airplane, make my way through gatwick wearing and the taxi journey home wearing THAT outfit!

A very embarrassing start to married life, but at least I now know not to trust DH to buy me clothing!

lthewife that is fantastic! You should be proud grin

wrigle Wed 04-Apr-12 17:12:55

I'm only half way down p5, laughing and really enjoying this, had gratefully forgotten any of my own experiences, until now, it's not funny, but it was desperate.

I was in Mongolia, out of a mixture of politeness, curiosity and stupidity I had eaten a lot of homemade dairy products that are turned into cheese type things by leaving them out in the sun and open air. Sometime later I was camel riding with some farmers who were out looking for their goats. I became overwhelmed by the need to poo, they did not speak english, AND we were in a flat desert area so there wasn't anything thide behind. I had to convince them to help me off my camel and leave me alone and for them to go on ahead while my bottom had the most vile experience ever. When I caught up with the farmers they'd settled and made a mongolian BBQ for lunch (which is not at all what we get here) and they gave me some warmed up ricks from the fire for my stomach!

Later, same holiday, I had a "massage", which was more like being beaten, I kept saying "ow" and trying to leave but she was fierce, a part of her technique seemed to be to manipulate my intestines, I survived and that night enjoyed some homemade vodka. I then spent the evening running back and forth from my tent to the toilet. There were some yaks milling about and they frightened me a little in the dark and I'd run past them as fast as I could. The last time I made it out (in the end I had to use the bin in the tent - ewww) I came face to face with a massive black and white yak and just started vomitting and pooing right there in front of it. I will never forget the face of the yak looking back at me. The next morning there was a kind mongolian man outside my tent leaving me a whole bottle of the homemade vodka saying it would help my stomach. I must have poo'd and vommitted all over the area that night, I was too embarrassed to look around for signs of my upset stomach!

MakeHayAndSneeze Wed 04-Apr-12 19:47:37

I have read these over the course of a couple of nights, but have been chuckling all day.... My own exploits are (thankfully) confined to my own bathroom, but dd took against the idea of going to see the Banksy exhibition in Bristol and exploded all over my mother's car - ended up not only all over her but her car seat, the seat belt, the car itself, etc. I just didn't know where to start, it was one of those "WTF do I do now?!" moments, especially as I had forgotten to bring any spare clothes.... Where do such tiny tummies keep it all?!

Dawnybabe Wed 04-Apr-12 20:55:47

Must just recount my worst experience to give credit to my dh.

We all had an awful stomach bug a few years ago. We were in bed, in between running to the bathroom to shit/be sick, and whilst I was still in bed I thought I wanted to fart. I genuinely stupidly thought it would only be a fart.

Of course it was a massive explosion of diahhroea and I could feel it all over me. I wasn't wearing anything in bed and I was covered in it, and so were the sheets.

Had to explain to dh what had happened. Felt so awful at this point that I just couldn't move off the bed. He got up, turned the light on, got some cleaning stuff and sponges, pushed me to the other side of the bed, washed me down, stripped the sheets off, washed the bed and remade it with fresh sheets and then got back into bed. The man was an absolute trooper. He actually had to wash shit off me.

Selks Wed 04-Apr-12 22:07:39

Ha ha at being observed by large hairy Yak!

FairyArmadillo Fri 06-Apr-12 22:30:12

wrigle - that sounds like a fantastic experience, apart from the pooing!

wrigle Sat 07-Apr-12 00:40:08

I do have to say it has remained the most amazing place I've ever been, I'm not very well travelled and have travelled alopng the well worn path so this was really quite something At night with no one and nothing around you could literaly hear wings of birds flapping as they flew over head. It was a magical place. For some of it I was with a small group, we went horse riding one day, only I don't know how to ride a horse, so this Mongolian guy hopped on the back of my horse. I was a little uncomfortable with it at first but he was absolutley respectful and "drove" the horse while getting his dog to hunt mice (nice) and he sang. I was being serrenaded (in my mind) so I totally pretended to admire his dog's mice hunting ability! Of course I developed a massive crush and wondered for a while after if I could live that lifestyle. The "toilets" were usually outdoor things without water or paper let alone rooves, walls and doors, and the food was such that I had to go a lot, I was constantly emerging from a toilet to a group of men staring, politely, but it was awkward! You kind of want to smile and wave but it's not really the time for it iykwim!

babbashouse Mon 09-Apr-12 20:17:02

Oh dear, just realised I've got THREE! All thankfully a good time ago. Ok, I'll list in ascending order of awfulness...

1. Sitting in library at uni, needing to fart, farting, following through in very tight, light jeans - deciding the only thing for it is to get my bike and ride straight home (not to go to the loo and clean myself up there and then for some reason?!) Anyway, there's a one-way street that takes me quickly from library to home, which, to be honest, I rode up the wrong way all the time, so sod it, belting it up there and along comes... a police man! Stops me and thank god my pleading of 'I'm so sorry, I'm really not well and need to get home!!!!!!' worked and he let me go. So fine. Keep peddling, it's about a 15 minute ride and frankly, I stink (maybe it was that rather than the pleading that had policeman sending me on my way!) and have to slog it up a hill... so SO relieved when pull into my front garden, fling bike and run into house... only to be greeted by flat mate blocking the bottom of the stairs - 'how was your day? what are you up to tonight...' etc. etc. Remember, I STINK! I somehow made my excuses of dying for a wee and finally, FINALLY managed to peel myself out of poor violated jeans in the privacy of my own loo!

2. Period one. Leaked all over office chair. Did NOT know what to do. There was a spare desk with a chair in my office, so swapped it for that and hoped for the best. About a week later area manager decides to join us and pulls out that chair - horrified sounds ensue. Obvious what it was, but not WHO. I tried my best to deflect but not sure how successfully... In fact I am, EVERYONE knew I'd swapped my chair. Still never confessed. How could you?!

3. I'm listing this as worst, but actually, on reflection, how can I compare one against the other?! So this time, I'm on the underground, and suddenly, SUDDENLY need to wee. Not just 'need', but 'have to'. Literally, it's coming. I'm at one of the low down lines - central I think - and so a long way from a loo. Manage to get myself onto escalator, telling myself 'just make it to the outdoors and there SHALL be a loo', but nope, bladder having none of that. It starts to come. I look behind me, miraculously, there's NOBODY behind me. I just let it all go. A whole wee! Wee all the way up the escalator! I still can't believe it looking back! God was definitely on my side that day! Central london and not a single person behind me! I actually remember it was at Oxford circus station, so again the chances of there being no people behind all but nil, and secondly, I was clearly on my way out rather than home - cannot remember for the life of me what I did next! Carry on with my shop?!

babbashouse Mon 09-Apr-12 20:37:10

Ahh, thinking about it just remembered what I did do - turn around and go straight down the other escalator and home, but just remembered I was wearing tan, soft leather driving shoes and that they were FILLED with wee, and that everywhere I walked on the way home, a) I left foot prints and b) made squelching sounds! Oh dear!

Ack, have just been reminded of my own period nightmare.

I was 14, and at the stage of having had a few periods, so being as confident as you get as an early teen. I noticed I'd started one evening, so slapped on a pad and went off to meet my best friend for our weekly st John ambulance first aid cadet meeting (yep, we were cool)

We had been there about 45 minutes, and we were sitting on a table (ooh, rebels) instead of chairs watching a bandaging display. I had a weird feeling of gushing, but ignored it. 10 minutes later I got up, and my friend grabbed me, asking "OH MY GOD ARE YOU OKAY?". I'd been sitting in a pool of blood - my first experience of flooding. I knew what it was. I had no idea of she did too, so, in a panic, I yelped something about having cut my thigh open earlier, and that the wound must have reopened, so I had better go home for a bandage.

Naturally, her reaction was to try to stop me and reason that there were plenty of bandages, and that I was in the best place for medical attention to my, er, "wound". I ran.

FreckledLeopard Tue 10-Apr-12 16:16:44

Funniest story I have was when my cousin and I and our respective children were on holiday together in France.

My cousin was anaemic and had been prescribed iron tablets by her GP, that she was taking. She'd complained that they'd given her somewhat of an upset stomach.

Anyway, one evening, I cook nice pasta, creamy sauce, salad. Wine. We decide to go for an after-dinner stroll in the countryside near where we're staying. Children stay behind at the house to hang out.

We'd walked about a mile when suddenly my cousin stops mid-conversation, glances around desparately and hisses at me 'I need the loo - the pasta's gone straight through me'. I helpfully point out the fields nearby (behind a small country house). She starts hobbling towards the spot - then says - 'it's too late! I'm shitting myself!'.

She continues hobbling to behind hedge in field - I stay by roadside, slightly hysterical (not really knowing the etiquette of what one does when a relative shits themselves, I stood there shaking with laughter). As I stood there, all manner of explosive bowel sounds filtered from behind the hedge, with my poor cousin saying, in astonishment, 'it keeps coming out! I can't stop it!'.

We were then faced with the dilemma that she now had no useable knickers or trousers (they were cream) and were stuck in rural France. So, I ran, still hysterical, over the fields, back to the house. Cue kids asking what I'm doing and where's my cousin gone. Cousin's teenage daughter asks why I'm getting clean clothing and a toilet roll. I mumble something about her being sick. I jump into car, drive to field, lob clothing and loo roll and plastic bag at cousin and let her get on with the clean up. She buries shit-covered pants in the field (God knows what the farmer made of that) and we head home.

Her daughter, when we got back, was MORTIFIED. She kept saying 'mum, that's soooo disgusting. I can't believe you did that. I'm going to tell dad. Ewww.' She phones her father, informs him that 'mum's pooed herself, it's so gross', whilst I continue to giggle helplessly.

MyDogShitsShoes Tue 10-Apr-12 18:12:21

Oh my, your poor cousin shock

That's absolutely fricking hilarious!

Bimbledorf Tue 10-Apr-12 22:25:25

Surprisingly this thread has been a good cure for my all day morning sickness - laughing so much.

My poo story involves my mil (who I totally love) but I actually thought it had involved my dog.

Was sat chatting away to MIL as usual one morning over a cup of tea at my house, when she made a quick exit upstairs to loo. I didn't really think much of it as was also keeping an eye on my young son at the time. Anyway, I picked up my son to take him upstairs to get him changed for the day, when I came across a small but perfectly formed poo on the stairs.

Cue me shouting "Fraaank" (dog aforementioned) "What have you done?" and was just about to send him outside and go get the gloves and Vanish spray when a sheepish MIL appeared on the landing from the bathroom...

Yes that's right my MIL pooed on my stairs! grin

I have to say I can't believe she admitted it - I would totally have let the dog take the blame!

Solo Wed 11-Apr-12 01:55:17

Poor Frank!! grin

ScoopThePoop Fri 13-Apr-12 19:54:14

This has got to be the funniest thread EVER!

The couple trying to poke the poo down the toilet - priceless.

My own contribution involves OH.
It was many years ago when we were students, on holiday - Portugal. Camping.
He'd had queasy tummy from something he'd eaten (?in Morocco), but nothing had "emerged" as it were.

We had an early night - other campers were happily partying into the night etc.
OH wakes in shock and grabs clothes, wrapping a towel round himself and runs out into the night.
Yes, he'd let it all go in his sleep.
I'm left with a pooey/stinky sleeping bag (thank heavens we had separate bags!) which I duly traipsed over to the outdoor sinks to rinse off - nice.

Remember half the camp site is still awake and poor OH had to stand in the toilet block, covered in shit, waiting for a shower to become available. Cringe.

Mind you, he felt much better the next day and the sleeping bag dried off in no time in the lovely sunshine.

Happy days.

Boomerwang Fri 13-Apr-12 22:10:16

Got to add my bit...

I once started a period at school whilst not wearing a pad. Thank god my trousers were black. My knickers were ruined so I took them off.

WHY?? Why did I do that? What was going to stem the flow now??? If I'd been even a tiny bit smarter I'd have realised that at least I could have wadded up some toilet paper and shoved them in my knickers. I was far too embarrassed about periods to ask anyone for a pad, even the school nurse!

I sat through the next lesson sweating about the possibility that my period was leaking out through my trousers and was going to leave a very red patch on the chair. Also, sans knickers, my trousers were being eaten by my arse.

I really can't remember what the outcome was. I could SMELL my own period wafting around. Back then, 'Always Ultra' didn't exist, so even if I had a pad on it was one of those mattress 'Dr White' kind and they stank...

I once went for a cig at work. I sat in my car with the door open. I needed to fart but ended up sharting. I have no idea why, as I didn't have a dodgy stomach or anything. I had to go into work and tell my colleague that I'd had an accident. She didn't understand at first. I said 'I have to go home and change... erm... well look I really really need to go home.' She twigged but didn't bat an eyelid. She just told me to go then. Care workers have seen and heard it all :D

And this one didn't involve my own poo but...

I went to an agricultural college. It had it's own farm. Part of my college 'uniform' was a pair of steel toe capped Doc Martens. I had been tramping around the farm all afternoon. I got on a public bus, sat down, and put my foot up on the radiator. I thought nothing of it until I heard 'EWWWW Veena have you shit yourself? Omg it stinks! Who FARTED?!'

Took my foot off the radiator...

Boomerwang Tue 17-Apr-12 01:37:05

I killed the thread? sad

ThePinkPussycat Wed 18-Apr-12 17:43:47

Mine is from a v long time ago when I was 10. I hated needlework but had to do it at school, and was also a bit weird so instead of sewing I chewed on a long piece of quite sturdy thread, and ended up swallowing it.

A couple of days later I went for a poo, there were several small turds came out, when I stood up, there were all the poos threaded on the thread, which was dangling down from my bum. Try as I might, pushing yeilded nothing.

Eventually I called for my DM, who got some scissors and cut the thread, releasing the string of poos into the toilet. I was mortified grin

Solo Thu 19-Apr-12 15:01:56

Oh TPP that's made me LOL!!! grin

Clownsarescary Thu 19-Apr-12 15:11:32

I kid you not, I pooed on my bridesmaid dress, a pink Jordan-esque bridesmaid dress. It was my older db's wedding. I couldn't get it all off because of the fabric no matter how hard I tried. My younger db was sitting beside me in the reception party and bent down and picked up the hem of the dress, rubbing it to clean it asking, what's that?? I was about 22 years old!


aliasname Thu 19-Apr-12 15:28:31

thank goodness for this thread. Many years ago I had a temporary ileostomy (like a colostomy-bag) and suffered several accidents.

Even though it was reversed and I am now 'normal' I still have nightmares about it regularly. This thread shows me this is actually common for everybody.

It was only for 12 months, 15 YEARS ago and I do still have genuine nightmares. Thank you.

Bogeyface Fri 20-Apr-12 00:48:50

Further from Alias post above...

who thought "OMG I am a disgusting person, I must be the only person in the world who has ever done this" before reading this thread? And who now feels a little less silly as a result?

I do! And I havent even posted my worst story(ies) on here!

Boomerwang Fri 20-Apr-12 01:18:32

Nope, no embarrassing poo stories for me.

You disgusting people.


SaggyOldClothCatPuss Fri 20-Apr-12 01:27:02

I can honestly say I have personally, never had an embarrassing shit related incident. The Dcs on the other hand...
DS, can't have Ben more than a few months old, and decided to have one of those endless poo moments. We were out shopping, and he managed to get through 4 sets of clothes! It came out of the sleeves, the legs, the waist bands... He must have shit his own weight in excrement! He travelled home wrapped in my t shirt!

DD, went through a poo fetish stage! She would have been about 1/1-5yo. She was a fab sleeper, and if I put her in her cot, she would just lay there and drop off in her own time. Until... The day she discovered that she could get her nappy off! She would shit in it, then remove it and wipe the ahit over every inch of her body! As it was warm, she would contentedly drop off to sleep, only to wake up when it had cooled, set and started to sting! I'd have to put her in the bath and scrape it off with my finger nails!
I tried everything, to keep her nappy on. I sellotaped it, used gaffer tape, staples... In the end, I had to sew her into her vest! She is 13 now, I'm glad to say that she did grow out of it in the end! confused

There was also the moment when the disposable nappy failed, due to the large amout of crap enclosed. A huge dollop of splatty poo hit the carpet. Quick as a flash, the dog leapt in, and swallowed the dollop whole!

KenDoddsDadsDog Fri 20-Apr-12 02:30:29

Pinkpussycat That has made me collapse but having to do it silently so as not to wake DD. String of poos grin

HaplessHousewife Fri 20-Apr-12 13:26:59

This happened to me on Monday but I've only just recovered sufficiently to be able to post.

DS had a bit of a D&V bug and passed it on to me (well just the D part) so thought I was OK, took DD to pre-school and sharted as I got out of the car. Had to take her in hoping noone would notice (or blame DS if they did) and avoid all eye contact so that I didn't have to stop and chat with any of the mums. Poor DS had to miss his play group so I could go home and sort myself out.

This has NEVER happened to me before – I blame this thread angry.

ScoopThePoop Fri 20-Apr-12 14:13:47

Ahh, Hapless This has NEVER happened to me before – I blame this thread

The power of the Poo Skirt Thread is mighty indeed.
Let that be a lesson to all Poo Skirt newbies.......

ninedragons Fri 20-Apr-12 14:56:09

DD2 currently has a spot of nappy rash, so is having a lot of time with a bare bum and of course the accidents are commensurate.

Last night, DD1 (age four) dragged me over to a little round brown thing on the rug, shrieking Mummy, Mummy, DD2 did a POO on the CARPET!!!

I inspected it very closely while she stood there, then leaned over, picked it up and put it in my mouth. DD1 was so horrified she was speechless.

It was a baby pinecone.

(Luckily - my eyesight is not as sharp as it once was and the joke really could have backfired like no other, I suppose)

Bertrude Sun 22-Apr-12 17:28:40

No poo tales of my own, but a period one.

I was 11 and. I siting a boy from school in hospital. He'd broken his leg in a rugby match that we were both playing in, and as this was oly, like, my 6thperiod I had no idea when it'd turn up. We sat here for 3 hours chatting. I was perched on the end of his bed... I ran off screaming bu apparently the nurses did a very good job of disguising the fact hat there was period all over his sheets

DH's sharting tale - we were working together and he went to the loo. He got back to is desk and texted me to ask if he had any spare undercrackers in the car. He then asked me to use the excuse of no Tampax to our MALE boss, because that would be an acceptabl excuse to nip to th shops, whereas him crappung himself and needing new boxers was too embarrassing. I went one better and offered to do a KFC run for the whole team

ChocDee Fri 27-Apr-12 21:11:11

Thank you Pussycat...

Reading yours reminded me of when the exact thing happened to me. I had forgotten all about it until now!

I did not have a rescuing mother on hand however so I tried to yank the string out with my hand as half of it was still stuck up my arse. No matter how hard I yanked (and I yanked HARD!! I was a bit desperate and scared) it would not budge.

I remember thinking that the string must have tied itself around my intestines in a strong knot and I may DIE!

Too embarrassed to ask for help and and admitting defeat i walked away with the string neatly curled up inside my knickers...

I did not die and I must have managed to poo it out the next day.

orangeandlemons Fri 27-Apr-12 21:46:24

Dd age 3 was once in bed with us at night.

I woke up about 4.30am, and could smell shit. I couldn't find anything, so woke up dh, who found and removed a small turd obviously done by dd (at least I presume it was DD!) It didn't leave a stain, but it was on his side of bed. So he decided to get into dd's bed, and we would deal with sheets in the morning (I know, but it was 4;30am). Dd decided to follow dh. I checked her over for any stains, but could find nothing. DD gets into bed with DH.

5 minutes later serious shouting and swearing from dh. "I can bloody smell shit in here....Christ it's all over her, why didn't you see it?"...........I am as blind as a bat without my specs and I forgot to put them on in all the muddle.

DH swearing and washing himself and dd in bathroom at 4.45am. I meanwhile can STILL smell shit. Put specs back on, and discover my legs are covered in hard dried on crap all over them (similar to a fake tan in a way). I had obviously been lying in it unknowingly for hours.

Rush screaming into bathroom. Start arguing with dh about who has running water priority in this situation. Dd in, bath, dh at sink and me with no water. The smell was unbelieveable.

Arguing wakes up ds................

ThePinkPussycat Fri 27-Apr-12 23:37:03

ChocDee my long lost sister! I was sure I was the only one in the whole wide world.

The down side of having a DM to assist is that there were then 2 people in the household who are aware of what happened. I suspect this is part of the reason why I remember it so well...

Both memories are still very active - we have had a chuckle about it since a couple of times! I am nearing 60 and DM is in her early 80's. That's a long time to share a memory like that particular one grin

In branch of Bathstore with DS (then about nine months old) and DD who would have been 3. Keep smelling shit. Apologise to man at desk for what I assume to be DS trumping continually. DD has vanished to wander round showroom. I get up to find her and leave store and find she has planted an enormous smelly turd in not one, but two unplumbed loos on display.

We left quite quickly after that.

realhousewifeofdevoncounty Sat 28-Apr-12 01:11:26

Ooooo, I have a recurring dream that for some reason I haven option but to do a poo on a toilet in the middle of a big public space with no cubicle. Your story just reminded me!

realhousewifeofdevoncounty Sat 28-Apr-12 01:27:29

I had a bit of a d&v type thing that came on whilst staying over at exps house when we first started going out. I managed to remain fairly dignified throughout, but after several trips to the loo my bum was getting very sore so it was hard to clean up properly, and there was probably an element of leaking/sharting so I ended up essentially with skiddy pants. It was one if those situations where I'd just put the bare essentials in my handbag, but luckily I had brought some spare undies, so I screwed up the soiled ones and shoved themback in my handbag. We went out somewhere the next day and my phone started ringing in my bag. Exp went to reach into my bag and I of course shouted at him not to look in my bag. Thing is he was a paranoid jealous fuck (would have got a right roasting on here!) and he if course went ballistic thinking I was hiding something from him. In the end I just had to shout "ok, I shat myself and my shitty pants are in there. HAPPY NOW?!" A red flag if ever there was one! grin

ladymariner Sat 28-Apr-12 09:28:13

I knew my hubby was 'the one for me' after we'd slept together in the very early days of our relationship, not just because of the sex, but because whilst laying snuggled up I sneezed, but then did the most humongous fart at the same time (this was whilst we were still in the stage of being incredibly polite and nice, you know, before you get to know each other properly grin ). I was mortified, but he just grinned and asked me if that was my party piece......
My smile of relief faded when I then realised it wasn't just a fart and had to leap out of bed and dash to the bathroom, whereupon an event of cataclysmic proportions took place, it was truly horrendous. I stayed in there ages and slunk back to bed to find dh, as he is now, had made me a cup of tea and asked me if instead of the bottom falling out of my world, the world had fallen out of my bottom.......

bonzo77 Sat 28-Apr-12 09:52:32

Before going to a student fancy dress party I filled a half litre fanta bottle half and half with vodka and martini (sophisticated) and necked it in the taxi there.

Half an hour later I was paralytic on the toilet floor vomiting and with each heave shitting myself. Another student a year above me took pity and actually came with me in a taxi home because I was in such a state. Oh I must have stunk. And then I went straight to bed. Woke up thinking I must have trodden in something!

plugplant Sat 28-Apr-12 10:03:24

My au pair loved designer clothes so we went to a Village outlet one day and we were having a perusal in a quiet designer store where the shop assistants were dressed immaculately, as we were, for the occasion.

I was holding my 3 month old baby as we didn't want the hassle of a buggy and I heard the tell tale 'rumblings' while she was in the changing room and I was outside looking after all our bags.

She came out just in time and I whispered we needed to change her, just before we were able to exit, to our and their total and utter unbelievable horror, the nappy leaked and poo was dripping everywhere.

realhousewifeofdevoncounty Sat 28-Apr-12 10:07:52

That's love ladymariner!

ScoopThePoop Sat 28-Apr-12 16:58:56

whomovedmychocolate Children pooing in those toilets must happen a lot!
Err, I don't mean your children doing it.

ChocDee Sat 28-Apr-12 18:44:30

Dear Pinkpussycat,
My story has NEVER EVER been told before. You are the only person I have told my tale to. And that is only because you are family, being my long lost sister and all!

Gooshka Sat 28-Apr-12 23:38:05

I can honestly say that I have never laughed at a thread so much in my entire life, I have streams of tears running down my cheeks!! gringringrin Ladies, your honesty and witty accounts of your experiences is extremely admirable. Thank you for entertaining me whilst DH watches Match of The Day. grin

LolaAnn Sun 29-Apr-12 16:17:07

This thread is pure gold.

So here's my poomiliation story...

I was about 16 and staying with a bunch of our best friends and family in one open plan room in some strangers house for a huge new years eve party. Everyone was just in sleeping bags and mattresses on the floor.

About 10pm there is video of me doing about 12 tequila shots with some random. At 11pm my boyfriend (now DH) comes upstairs and finds me comatose in bed.

7am the next morning, I wake up stupidly scream (waking up most of the people around us who witness the following) and jump out of bed (somehow I'd gotten naked during the night) with poo EVERYWHERE, it must have been the biggest crap I've ever done in my life and it was all over me, my sleeping bag and the mattress. I remember running downstairs and jumping into the shower with all my bedding, the stench was awful. My DHs brother saw the whole thing as he was right next to us and so did a lot of my friends (me naked screaming and covered in poo).

After a while my DH hauled the mattress outside and we hosed it off. A day later we saw a couple lounging on it in the sun........................................................................................ :S

Bumblefeck Thu 24-May-12 12:09:55

Hahahahahah this thread is awesome grin

I read a couple of stories out to my OH and instead of laughing, as it right and proper, he looked totally horrified and said "you women are disgusting" grin

ModreB Sat 16-Jun-12 19:45:45

Went on a shopping trip with DH, and was intending to meet my DM in the town centre. Except as we stood waiting at the meeting point, near to the toilets, DM ran past, shouting "I need to go". Disappeared into the public loos, and was in there for ages.

When she finally emerged, just ran straight past us again, this time hissing "Got to go, just shat myself". She did leave a spattered brown trail behind her as she ran away.

DH was blush, I was shock and as for everyone else nearby (think busy shopping centre on a Saturday) they stood round looking at us in disgust, as if it was our fault grin

Gabeesh Fri 20-Jul-12 07:14:55

When I was a teenager I was in a school play (this can't end well). I had to wear a day-glo pink satin suit ffs, and had a massive crush on one of the cast members. After our opening night I got home and discovered i'd come on at some point in the evening and there was a huuuuge bright red stain on the seat of my trousers - unmissable. My mum swore she hadn't seen it while I was on stage (I was on stage a lot) but to this day I have no idea when in the evening the stain had actually appeared and whether my mum was just being nice.

horseygeorgie Sat 21-Jul-12 23:09:21

Oh thank God its not just me!

I have a history of having a dicky stomach. One christmas i was working at a stable yard, very big place. I got a desperate urge to 'go', unfortunatly i was 50 mins from hom and the yard had no loos - cue me driving to the nearest bridleway, ducking behind the hedge and exploding everywhere. Luckily i had a baby wipe with me!

A few years before that, i had a similar one, on a yard, need to go, no loo. Had to line a skipping out bucket with straw and go in that, the deposit in the muck heap!

The worst one was a couple of years ago. At the end of a hard day, i was standing on the yard chatting to the other grooms and my boss, plus the farrier, and to my horror i felt the urge to go...tried to suck it back up but to no avail and alas, i shat myself. Murmered a 'need to go, don't feel well' and got out of there pdq. Had to drive 15 mins home to the loo sitting on my coat, all the time pooing. then got home and couldn't open the door. Not my finest moment!

Not as bad as my friend -i was living with her at the time and she had a hot new BF. They went to bed for the first time, about 30 mins later she came running into my room crying but wouldn't tell me what happened---turned out she was giving him a BJ when she had triggered the upchuck reflex and thrown up all over his Johnson! He was brill about it and they are now married!

LivingInABubble Tue 31-Jul-12 17:50:15

I am loving this thread, I have never doubled over laughing at a thread before! Lots of stories here, may pluck up the courage to write some later!

Iheartpasties Sat 22-Sep-12 10:38:18

I have never laughed so much - this is truely the funniest thread ever!

Amytheflag Tue 08-Jan-13 00:11:06

Adding to this classic thread after laughing over it and then needing a poo!

This is a story about one of my exes. We were at the airport and were going through the bit with all the moving walkways in between the shops and the plane bit. Ex needed the toilet so I played on the walkways while I waited. And waited. And waited.

Eventually he emerges all pale and white. I come off the walkway and walk towards him and then I smell it. He stank of shit. He just looked at me and his lip wobbled, almost crying he was, and whispered "I've pooed myself". I was like eh? And he said again "I've pooed myself. It's all in my shorts". Luckily we had some money left so I had to do a mad run to the shop, buy him some shorts and run back looking like a lunatic. He changed in the loo and left the shorts on the floor because there was no bin. Nice find for the cleaner!

Aaaaand same ex, similar story. We were living my uni accommodation and had locked up, halfway to the train station (5 min walk) when he said "I need the toilet can we go back?". I was annoyed because we were running late for the train so I asked him to hold it until the station. We got to the station and the toilets were shut for cleaning. He started to panic so we left the station to try McDonald's. We were halfway across the road waiting at one of those islands bits when he said "I'm pooing. It's going down my leg". shock He was nearly crying and he shuffled along with me to McDonald's and went into the toilet. Luckily he had his spare trousers from staying at mine but he came out with his pooey pants in a plastic bag and dumped it in the bin in the street.

I had to try so hard not to laugh both times haha! I also promised him I would never tell. Whoops!

Amytheflag Tue 08-Jan-13 00:11:54

Leaving not living*

chickensarmpit Tue 08-Jan-13 00:20:43

I know somebody who went for a sleep over in a friends back garden. In the middle of the night they were caught short and had a poo behind the tent.
Then they blamed the dog when the offending log was found the next morning.
I wonder who that was hmm

Passthesaltdear Tue 08-Jan-13 17:57:48

On holiday in brazil at a very small intimate restaurant with my sister. Suddenly my stomach started churning and I knew I needed to get to a toilet- fast! There was just one toilet at the back of the restaurant next to the kitchen and only a couple of feet from other diners, and it had one of those doors where you can see your feet at the bottom and your head when you stand up. I couldnt help myself but have very noisy and smelly diorreah, much to my horror. We left quickly and my sis said that the whole restaurant had heard and smelt everything. I'm still mortified all these years later....

MumVsKids Wed 09-Jan-13 20:09:04

I've read this thread over a couple of days and have literally cried with laughter, so much so that I've had to read some out to DH!!

He has his own to add if I may:

DH is a plumber/joiner and is self employed, a few years back he was working on a block of converted flats and found himself needing to poo quite urgently, so he chose one of the flats which had had a new bathroom fitted and installed himself on the loo!

He did the biggest poo he ever did, flushed and left the loo as he found it. It was only when he went out onto the scaffolding that he realised that the soil stack outside the flats was yet to be connected blush

There staring up at him from the scaffolding boards was the very same poo he had flushed not 5 minutes before.

He never told anyone until he told me tonight!!! grin

MumVsKids Wed 09-Jan-13 20:12:54

DM also had an incident at an airport, just was we were about to board the plane, and she shat her pants in the queue and ended up going commando on a 6 hour flight a the luggage had already gone to the hold.

My only poo claim was whilst camping last year. The porta potty was full, and it was dark, but I had to go, so I lined the porta potty pan with a carrier bag, pooed in it, tied it up and slung it as far into the woods as I possibly could.

It was fine until he dog of the friends we were camping with retrieved the carrier bag the following day and bought it to the camp fire blush - queue lots of "eeeeww" noises from me and everyone when it was discovered what was in the bag!

maxmillie Wed 09-Jan-13 20:17:19

That plumber one is hilarious! What did he do with it?

You don't expect to be confronted with your own turds!

SirSugar Wed 09-Jan-13 20:22:36

I'd Like to add here......

I was in the hairdressing wholesalers one afternoon, totally alone except for the assistant. It's a big place and as I stood choosing the hairdyes my stomach started to cramp alarmingly until I let out a silent but massive fart.

The smell of the fart was truly appalling and at that moment another woman entered the shop.

I remember standing there thinking 'please don't, please don't come over here' as she came right up next to me. I was mortified with embarassment and said to her in a meek giggly voice, 'Oh, I thought I was alone'.

She said absolutely nothing blush

MumVsKids Wed 09-Jan-13 20:59:15

Maxmillie he has just informed me that he wrapped it up tidily and chucked it in the skip!

He says he recognised as it his own from eating glitter and crayons with the DCs the day before grin

MumVsKids Wed 09-Jan-13 21:00:46

And he is now questioning that it was actually his confused

He just pulled a <boak> face at the thought it MIT have been one of the other work men's!!!

Tigerbomb Wed 09-Jan-13 21:57:37

My Dexh was in Milan doing some gigs and they had all been sleeping in the van. He woke one morning desperate for a dump but there were no loos, so he went under the nearest bush. He did what he had to do and looked up and discovered that the bloke who had been driving had parked next to a courtyard and my D ex had just shat in front of a load of uber posh Milanese having breakfast on their patio's.

Katla Wed 09-Jan-13 22:49:13

Oh my - these are hysterical!

I was once queuing for an evening buffet at a wedding with my DH. He nudges me to look at something. There, on the floor, is a wee round brown poop about the size of a marble shock He has shit himself whilst farting and, being a true Scotsman in his kilt, it had fallen straight from arse to floor without being contained by pants. He sniggers and just keeps moving with the queue. I assume that the rest of the guests trampled it into the floorboards. I didn't want to give it too much attention in case anyone thought it was mine.

tametortie Fri 22-Feb-13 23:39:33

I have read this thread from start to finish, and as a sufferer of a bowel disorder- I NEED to share this mishap.....

I was at the In-laws and had the tell tale stomach cramps, hot flushes and 'pressure' that tells me I am going to explode southwards. We were sitting around chatting with a cuppa so I discreetly made excuses and popped upstairs. Put the taps on and quickly sat on the throne. I won't go into detail about the next couple of minutes but it was AWFUL. A life changing poo. Then lots of wiping. Relief. All sorted.

Stood up to pull my trousers up and.....

It was all up the back of the throne. THE WALLS. I think the high pressure of the whole situation reached about 2 thirds of the way up the wall behind the toilet. Cue a major clean up job with lots of damp tissue and hand wash. A fecking nightmare. I must have been up there for about half an hour all in all. Not discreet at all.

I feel cleansed now. Thanks.

rumbelina Sat 23-Feb-13 00:13:55

I had diarrhea, on acid, in a portaloo that had no lock and no toilet paper. I had to cling onto the door with one hand, get my knickers off to use as toilet roll and get my trousers back on with the other hand. All the while feeling like the portaloo was flying around like the tardis.

Quite enjoyed it.

Loonytoonie Sat 23-Feb-13 00:32:18

Marking my spot. Having to do this because DH lying next to me is getting annoyed at my constant giggling at all these posts grin

The duet of farts in the loo has had me laughing like a drain grin

PoohBearsHole Wed 24-Apr-13 21:50:17

I know it's old but I feel I must share :

1. Driving lesson aged 17, the most dickhead instructor ever, and I had that desperate urge to pee, I broke every speed limit possible but dhead decided I needed to be pulled up on the speeding front (don't blame him but...) I couldn't last any longer and wet myself all over the drivers seat. He didn't look to impressed when I got out and he had to sit on a wet seat!

2. We were going to watch the marathon or something else and I had had too much to drink the night before, huge tummy rumblings and small shaft later I find myself in a huge queue of a small ub toilet....... Let rip and the whole place erupted into almost vomiting customers. I pretended it was the person before me, but needless to say I went commando!

JannySlims Thu 20-Jun-13 15:51:39

It has happened to me too, I think I blogged it and its on a thread here somewhere!

I accidently OD's on Milk of Magnesia taking it for indigestion and not reading the label correctly I probably had about twice the laxative dose, not even knowing it was a laxative... fast forward to next morning, up and out for work in a hurry with a cup of tea in a travel mug..

Well four sips of tea and 10 mins from home.. almighty gurgle and everything inside me turned to liquid and wanted out! lol.. I turned around and rushed home as fast as I dare but getting out of the car on my drive it all became too much and well...

I ended up doing the stiff legged waddle up my drive with a womans magazine from the back seat held over my embarrassing mishap!!!

FridaKarlov Tue 02-Jul-13 18:17:33

I've got a good one about a friend and one about yours truly:

1) Friend's dad lives in rural France. My mate was driving to see him and did part of the drive overnight. It got to dawn, and my friend needed to poo, so he pulled up on this road in the middle of nowhere, got behind a tree, and squatted.

Just as he was curling it out, there was a WHOOSH noise and my friend looked around to see a hot air balloon rising into the morning sky, the occupants of the basket pointing at him, aghast.

2) I went camping on the dunes with some folk a few years back and in the early evening scuttled off to find somewhere to wee. I clambered up a sandbank, found a tuft of long grass to hide behind next to a fence, and squatted with by back to the fence so I could keep my eyes open for people on the beach.

. I heard a soft 'clunk', turned around and realised too late that being the fence was a 10 foot drop onto a golf course and I was pissing in full view of the 9th hole.

NeeeNawwwNeeeNawww Wed 10-Jul-13 20:38:03

Why I feel the need to share this I do not know, but here goes..

My best friend and I are outside the local pub at the end of a night of drinking/dancing/socialising. I feel the need to do a little fart. No problem, loads of people around making lots of noise. A wee fart won't be heard.

Parp.. shock

I turn to her straight away and say We need to go. NOW

Why? She says hmm

I have to tell the truth, or the urgency of my voice just won't cut it.

My boyfriend came up my ass earlier this afternoon. I thought I had got all the cum out. But I just farted and a load of it has just come out with my fart. blush

Name changing now.

RetroHippy Sun 28-Jul-13 08:41:59

Mine is a peeing story.

A few years ago I'd had a day doing outdoorsy stuff, far away from a loo. I tend not to drink much water but towards the end of the day accepted that I was going to have to pee 'au naturale'.

We had just walked past a low wall at the side of the lane that seemed to be part of a sheep enclosure or something. Told friend where I was going and being the only people around, dashed back to happily squat behind the wall.

Except, mid-stream, I hear the unmistakeable sound of hooves. There are about five horse riders coming past and I realise that from their raised vantage point they will pretty much see everything

So what do I do?

Hunker down and squeak 'I'm weeing!' As said riders go past.

I waited till they were a long way off before I stood up and saw friend, who had heard my panicked squeaking, literally crying laughing.

Horseygeorgie, the same thing that happened to your friend happened to me. Except that I burst into laughter and couldn't stop for at least an hour. DP took it reasonably well, hosed himself off in the shower and got back into bed. He said he'd never forget it grin
Luckily we're still together nearly a year later.

primarymonkeyhanger Tue 30-Jul-13 16:39:08

Oh so many stories (not all about me!)

1. ExDPs mum got drunk andshat in a bidet thinking it was the loo, relised it wouldnt flush so wrapped it in loo roll and popped it in her handbag! Why she didnt put it down the loo I will never know.

2. When I was a student I had too much to drink and threw up in my wastepaper bin, mid vom I felt the sudden urge to poo so had to whip arohnd and squat over the bin and basically vommed oyt of my bum. I think I then passed out. Trying to sneak the bin past my 5 housemates to the loo the next day involved a lot of planning and my room stank for days.

3.The first time my dp stayed over we had been out for a few drinks. Whilst locking up to go to bed I projectile vomitted across the kitchen and all over him. I ran upstairs to finish being sick and had a quick shower. I went back downstairs to find him still there (I would have ran for the hills) I went into the kitchen to get a glass of water to try and ease my stomach and slipped in the pile of vom on the floor. I banged both knees and chin on tiled floor and had the be helped up by the poor man. Cue another shower then him kindly popping into bed. Crazy man we are still together 4 years later!

Not as bad as some of these on here but it's my only poo..er.."experience".

I was about 10 yo and staying at a friends house for the night when I sharted. I tipped the poo down the toilet and put my soiled knickers in the little sandwich bag my mum had put my toothbrush in. This was all done in the bathroom while I was getting changed into my PJ's so when I had done, I gathered up all my clothes and the offending bag.

Got back to the bedroom and couldn't find my shitty little bag. Then friends mother walked in the room with the bag at arms length asking if I had dropped it.

I mumbled something about fetching chocolate for a midnight snack but it had melted. Thankfully no questions about why the chocolate was not wrapped up or why my knickers were in there were asked!

EeTraceyluv Wed 31-Jul-13 14:49:16

Mine is a fart one. When dd1 was born, she was very small and we both had to stay in hospital for three weeks. I was terrified of poo-ing as had 16 stitches and as she was my first, honestly thought they may burst if I went to the loo. Anyway, I was desperate after about four days but still daren't so was blowing off all over the place...Was in the nursery just popping off continuously and one of the midwives said 'oh dear, who's got a dirty nappy then?' and went round picking all the babies up to check. None of them had, and I was so embarrassed, I just sort of wafted out, trailing poo smells behind me. In the end I had to tell and did manage in the end!

tb Tue 08-Oct-13 13:37:48

2 days post dd's arrival, I was still in hospital, and was desperate for a poo, but a bit scared.

Was sitting on the loo, and the poo decided to emerge - half-way only. Cue instant panic. My perineum was still swollen, so it couldn't pull back to cut off the poo into turds.

Next to the loo was a bidet with a shower hose type of attachment. I must have spent about 20 mins there aiming the shower head and the jet of water in an attempt at trying to soften the poo so it would slide out easily.

I got more and more worried that I was going to have to pull the red cord to summon help from the midwives. Felt I needed a spatula, or small spoon to dig out the poo from my arse. Eventually, I managed.

Heaven knows why, but on the way back to the ward I felt the need to tell my sorry tale to the midwives on the reception. 2 of them pissed themselves laughing, and said they were glad not to have been summoned, and all they would have done was to give me a maternity towel to press against my swollen muscles to encourage the poo to come away.

With that, they handed me a maternity towel in case of future need.

JillJ72 Thu 10-Oct-13 23:06:04

Have been creased up at this classic thread.

Travelling to a family gathering for DS' first birthday party, we'd been on the motorway for 10 mins when we hit a jam. Half hour later and I was desperate for a wee but DH wasn't quite believing me. The next junction finally arrived and DH eventually pulled up in a big home/DIY car park. No loos - Mum (sat in the back with DS) shielded me as I wee'd for England between the near side passenger doors in plain view of a very busy Saturday car park. Well, a horse would've been jealous, and there was quite an almighty puddle as evidence of my desperate need. I had to change knickers and my trousers because of "splash back" and because we were all laughing uncontrollably.

Now when I tell DH I need the loo, he believes me. But I don't think I have ever done one quite like that since.

glorysupporter Fri 11-Oct-13 21:31:28

Lying in bed after a week on codeine, I can safely say at this exact moment in time I am sooooo jealous of all your embarassing / hilarious poo stories!

cls77 Sun 13-Oct-13 00:19:12

My dad has always had a delicate tummy, and when he needs to go then everyone gets out of his way. A few years back he pooed in his boxers whilst walking down the path trying to get into the house, cue daughter to help clean him up (I'm a nurse now!) those boxers were thrown away but we've always called that pattern/shitting pants experience a "no shit" experience - and there have been a few!!
The most funniest to date, was on the way home from shopping and when he could just about walk short distances, we had to stop at a garage so he could use their loo, he was so desperate bless him that he rushed as best he could, refusing my help. So I waited, and waited and waited some more, until he finally came out of the garage very red in the face and just said "drive, please just drive" he'd gone into the small cubicle inside the shop and went for England a very loose explosion, the worst part of it was though, that only after finishing going and standing up to clear himself up did he realise he hadn't lifted the seat! He had shat on the closed lid, and took ages to clean it all up, whilst vomiting as he did!!!

We now take carrier bags in the car and always plan where the loo are! He thinks it's hilarious now smile Bless him!!

Common Fri 14-Mar-14 19:42:20

Fascinating thread, and interesting that it was highlighted by Mumsnet recently.

A male perspective is that real men are aware that their female partners, wives and daughters have problems and issues with poo and menstrual events.

We love the females in our lives unconditionally and feel absolutely no shame, disgust or repulsion about the events and incidents recounted above.

Newsflash- You are girls and women and we just love you!

xxxxmrsxxxx Sun 16-Mar-14 11:43:54

My ex has shat himself while riding his motorbike - all up the back of his leathers and out the top. I also found out that he recently did it in Tesco all in his pants!!

Extremewife Sun 16-Mar-14 11:58:44

Driving along the M25 with DS1 who was 3 and tiny DS2 hit traffic jam and when DS1 needed to go you needed to find a loo quick. We were stuck in 4 lanes of stationary traffic quick thinking meant I passed him one of his brothers nappies and on top of the dartford crossing he had a wee straight into the nappy hilarious and he still remembers it now at 7and always mentions it when we pass that point.

whiskyplease Mon 17-Mar-14 09:45:19

Flew back from Cape Town, where the temperature was 30 deg at 9 pm and landed at Heathrow early morning where the temperature was -3 deg. Bursting for a wee when we found our car, dh suggested using the other cars as cover and just get on with it. It worked. The relief. The cloud of steam that just went on and on. Laughed nearly all the way home.
Best thread ever.

ladyjadey Fri 21-Mar-14 22:33:53

A couple of years ago my mum came to stay for Xmas. My new bf was there and some pals and we ended up having an impromptu party with lots to drink. DM wasn't used to huge quantities of booze and as the evening wore on suddenly her face changed and she rapidly left the room. She was in my bathroom for around 2 hours, wouldn't explain herself or let me in, just said she didn't feel well. DH was asking questions as he needed a wee, eventually I managed to persuade her to leave the loo. Cue discovery of what can only be described as a shit storm, which she had drunkenly tried to clean up, smears of poo everywhere! I scrubbed the whole bathroom but the following morning I realised she had hung towels etc on radiator to dry and they were also coated....or rather, DH discovered! To this day, DM still thinks it was hilarious. Coincidentally, she came to stay this Christmas too. Stayed in the guest room with en suite and woke us on Xmas eve saying there was a leak in the kitchen. It transpired the puddle on the floor came from the ceiling directly under the loo in the ensuite which was blocked from DMs 4am poo!!!! The on call plumber had to spend his Xmas eve wearing my marigolds and scooping poo into carrier bags.......
It's not Christmas without DM and her Christmas poo...

Lucymill Mon 03-Nov-14 16:56:06

This thread has made me laugh so much.
A few yrs ago me and dh went away for our anniversary to a lovely hotel without the kids.
He ate mussels the first night which we have since discovered he's allergic to.
The next day we went for a walk alongside the lake, we were a few miles away from the hotel when he started to look a bit panicky and said he desperately needed a poo. We started marching swiftly back towards the hotel but dh started going faster and faster. Kind of like one of those speed walkers who wiggle their bums. By this point I could barely walk for laughing because he was wiggling away fast and kept looking back with a look of utter panic on his face. Eventually he sped off into the distance and I was left to snort my way back to the hotel.
When I got into the room the orchestra sounds coming out of the bathroom set me off again.
I was rolling about on the bed hooting at every trumpet. Dh could hear me laughing and started laughing too. Made all the funnier because every time he laughed it was followed by a succession of loud parpy farts.

TheCatsFlaps Sun 28-Dec-14 23:43:00

Went for lunch with my mum and her friend when my IBS kicked in. The toilets in the restaurant were rank, so I left my mum to pay and dashed to the car. She waved her friend off and dawdled over to the car, only to be greeted by the horror of me sharting as she got into the drivers seat. Because I was to embarassed to get out of the car at home and have the neighbours see my shit encrusted jeans I made her drive three miles to my office - the office was closed and I had the key.

Every few hundred yards I would fart and shit some more. Poor mum had to drive with her head hanging out of the window. Got to the office with a bin bag wrapped around me and shit running down my leg. Mum started roaring with laughter and not vomit at the same time. I opened up the office and had mum drive home to (discretely) get clean clothes for me. The toilets were a scene of devastation by the time she drove back: shit all over my arse, my back, the walls and the floor.

Luckily, she thought to bring wet wipes, towels and a clean bin bag to sit on for the drive home.

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