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In the Beginning there was the word and the word was with johnny. And the word was johnny.

Through him all clothes were made; without him nothing was made that was of bad quality.

In him was sass and that sass was the light of women.

and on the first day he invented applique and he saw that it was good.

On the second day he matched lurid colours together and saw it wasngood.

On the third day he mixed fabrics and threw them together throughout his range....

On the fourth day, he befrilled a skirt and behold, it was 'sassy'.

And Lo! there was Hotch and later, Potch. Verily, Hotch begot Potch and the issue was eyewatering colourful.

on the fith day he invented " the sixties style" and scattered it everywhere.

On the sixth day he proclaimed, " let there be everyday, essential and party to lead the way"

on the seventh day Simone said 'how do you feel about men with ginger hair?'

And verrily Adam became vexed by Eve's apple print top in scarlet melange

You forgot the melange.

And season after season of shoes with kitten heels...

Who is Dawn, is she a freind of Sharon's?

LOLOLOL at Simone

The lord looked around and knew something was missing.
Men with beards.

Lo. He created them

On the first day of the second week he dealt with all the returns which had been sent

On the eleventh day he scattered 10% off and free returns to the righteous.

On the second day of the second week he decreed you can only be or have FUN if you are wearing a FUN cardi.

And then in a moment of divine brilliance, he created the discount count.

And there was much rejoicing.

And when Jamie, the issue of Hotch and Potch, reached his ninth year he placed his boardshorts upon him and uttered his yukkiest food to be peas.

And god gathered the customers afore him. And seoerated them to the left and the right. The goat hide to the left and the lambs wool to the right.

And he spaketh
"you have clothed me when I was naked and visited my site of web, you shall ascend into bode-heaven"

And he looketh at the goats.
"you forsook me for Zara and their long legged items of temptation.you shall burn in hell"

Lol at count code, fingers faster than brain (not difficult).

Lol at dis count

Have you been sniffing tippex again?

And as he spoke, the heavens rained down tears upon his followers and unto them the Rainy Day Mac was born.

And it was proclaimed that all had to go to the town of their birth to be discounted, and those that were architects should wear of the shirts.

lolololol

Yet verily those who were stallions wished for a shirt of their own and Johnnie saw that it was so.

On the thirteenth day the lord created photographers. And decreed that of stuff they will have a lot.

He artfully created a jacket fr said photographers with many capacious pockets for storage.

Lol st stallions.

The lord created woman out of man

She will never again leaden into temptation by ever wearing sinful clothes with even a smidgeon of sexiness

HOTCH BEGOT POTCH

R O A R

And the Lord Johnnie anointed some to be boho, and some to be artisan, but those that were petite were anointed separately, and the tiniest of these were called mini, each was of a branch of the tree of Johnnie.

Lolol. Oh god. wipes tears

And yea, even here there was loungewear, and the Lord had Favourites, and he smote those which were not Favourites, and those which were thus smited were expelled from the main website henceforth to abide in Clearance amid design disasters.

And LO!

Only Architects or Stallions could weareth thy work shirts for men

ANd pants became loungeth

But the lounge pants lay next to the baggy pull ons and the yoga pants were born. In a studio. On a sprung floor.

And Jonny decree'd all boys should be surfeth dudes

And little girls shall ne'er be without stripey tights and fairy wings

Amen

Lol at ne'er be

And the word of the lord Jonny spread and soon Boden outlet sales croppeth

up in Cheltenham and Tunbridge Wells

Fed by seed topped batch baked organic) bread and (volcanic organic) water , Johhny's folllowers do amass to praise be and

rip merry hell out of

each other to get the last corsage cardi in Summer Jade (size 18)

And he did gather them and urged them speaketh yet to the masses - what of their favourite holiday moment? And they did exult in moonlight walks and hot salsa nights and deserted beaches. And yet he still urged them, liketh you strongest the smell of fresh cut grass or a baby's head?

Then sayeth Thalia (33), that the glory was to be found in fresh baked bread. But the masses knew she speaketh with forked tongue and did Not Do Carbeths.

On the third day there was a wedding Boden Party in Galilee Surrey. Jesus' mother was there . . . she said to him "They have no more wine".

Without wine to dull the senses, fewer purchases were made and Jonny was cross.

Sue you are GOOD at this

But the followers of the Lord saw that the colour was not that which was represented on screen, nor wast the bust adequately proportioned, nor didst the review by CurvyPeach (Herts) encourage. And the followers of the Lord looked elsewhere

Sunday School Cyb

I think it's clear I neither shop at Boden nor go to church

And Satan having compast the Earth, enters into the serpent sleeping. The serpent gaveth Eve to know that she wasn't sexy, at all, in melange or in hotchpotch, regardless whether the neckline was scoop or boatneck. Through his guile, Eve began to think that she would fain go naked than encounter one more school gate mother in same Ruffle dress in a different colourway. And to herself Eve said, "why should I not have Orla Kiely? Or at the least, Cath Kidston? The former is sometimes a bit edgy, and the latter has the advantage of being less ubiquitous".

Lol at curvy peach

And god said to primark wearers
" be not thee jealous of mums in Boden at the school gate for they will pity thee for not making an effort."

Hotch begot Potch.....this has made my night.
Keep going ladies.....

And it came to pass, that, when the sun went down, and it was dark, behold a Ruffle Silk Party Dress, and a pair of Glamorous Party Heels that passed between two raised beds of organic vegetables and an apple tree strewn with polka dot bunting.

And his followers were loyal and did as he bid as he bade them write his messages on tablets. And the tablets showed both the board shorts for the issue of Adam and the flippy skirt for the issue of Eve - separated and yet inverted, to baffle sinners. And he suffered the little children to have their own tablet.

Lo, at the passing of every moon the tablets were carried far and wide to those who had shown interest in His Words. And yea, even those who had shown no interest. And those who wanted no part of His Words, yet they were still given his tablet.
The wailing and gnashing of teeth of these sinners would not prevent his tablet reaching them, nor the postcards that asketh 'What Have I Done?' and showed his very image. And though the sinners did recycle them, still they came and yet still they came.

Such is the word of the Boden.

And at the school gates from hell on a summers day in june, it came to pass that the matching twins presented unto others in a Cossack tunic of crinkled summertime fun loving linen(in a matching bag), ankle length summer slim fit crops with co-ordinating union jack bag and pumps. The followers turned to each other and stared. It was then that they were reminded of the commandment do not covert thy neighbour.

lol

Lol at tablets and matching bags

And in to the confessional, the angel of communication went. "Forgive me father for I have sinned"
"Pray tell me" the priest replied, "what have you done?"
"I have failed in my mission as set by our lord Johnnie" sobbing loudly in to my sleeve of the angelic swirl cross over everyday day dress with three quarter length sleeves I went on " Johnnie asked me to communicate as often as I could but I have missed an opportunity"
"Do tell" said the priest. "how did that happen?"
"I was drawn in to the devils own system called the Internet and email and through this I responded to the temptation in front of me to send to all of the known customers a daily offer offering bigger and bigger discounts, free delivery, and free returns but today I forgot and Johnnies' customers will be bereft of their daily offer and will have to pay full price. What father do I do?"
He thought for a moment, reached forward and passed through the grill a pack of clear plastic bags and said "the only redemption for you my son is to now earn forgiveness by now sending out daily catalogues fully of the same offers by post to the same customers in the vain hope your tops, trousers, dresses, mini boden and Johnnie b look different in print than on the screen and redemption in the form of orders comes your way"

Lol
"Different in print "

And the mothers of the middle of England did justify the exchanging of fifteen gold coins for the t shirt of an infant by proclaiming "It fetcheth a good price on eBay".
And lo! It did sell for a high price.

and so came Johnny's disciples and Lo the birth of the Boden party. And thus they went as missionary's to spread the word and anoint the lost and Bodenless with his blood in the form of Chablais and they would eat the body of Johnny in the form of Tapas.

The flock would take their money away from the lenders to ensure their worldy goods came only from their father Johnny. amen.

Lol at
" and lo"

And so the gift from johnnie arrived one day, all wrapped in orange with cream bubbles or turquoise and cream or for the real followers beautifully encased in cardboard with tissue. The dreamt with anticipation for that day. But how johnnie had given them a false dawn with the gift for it was not really a gift that would bring them closer to him but a gift that would mean his flock would embark on a journey of great inconvenience and hassle and one that for the chosen few would cost them.
This is the day of the post office.

For it is written: "I shall raise mine eyes to the Boden, from whence cometh mine shapeless moleskin trouser [sic] and give thanks. For whomsoever believeth shall receive 15% off, and even from those that believe not, yea, those who wallow in the mire of the Shop that is Top, Cos and verily ASOS, even from them shall any discount be taketh away. Rejoice then, ye faithful! For the season of ric rac braiding, jersey tops of meagre length and vain beading is upon us."

And it was so.

And so it came to pass, at school gates across the land, His followers did deny their true nature, and with ric rac braiding and appliqué didst they torment their bodies attempting to deny their wanton and fecund state for this was offensive to the eyes of their Lord. And Johnnie looked upon his servants thus clothed in boring uniformity and declared it to be good.

Forsaken shall be those who do not strive with joy and with song toward the --Boden Sale--Day of Judgement.

Those who do lust after up to 60% off selected items would do well to be Ready for the Word (via email) of Johnnie and to not pay heed to the false gods of internet rumour who smite their breast and proclaim with black tongues that they are Prophets of the Day of Revelation and that lo, the Leather Biker shall be reduced to £50 from £350. They know not what they profess.

Remember ye with caution tho, that Lust is a Sin, as are Greed and Panic Purchasing. Choose ye with candour, fervour and Realistic Outfit Planning. Fall ye not into Temptation as the devil himself may be present in the form of Pilates Pull-ons in Charcoal Marl. Stretchy Material doth not mean that thou canst size down from a 16 to an 8. Thou shalt reap what thou hast sown and even if thy right butt cheek offend ye, cutting it off shall not better the fit.
Free Deliver ye from the Evil that are Chino Shorts and the Righteous and Meek shall truly acquire the bargains.

Amen Boden

And lo, there came a time of false prophets.
Many bore false witness and tempted the weak and those whose faith was befouled by the plague of credit crunch and a slightly more extensive mens were led into the halls of Next.
True believers watched afeared as small children taunted them with cheap knock off polyester tutus and welly combinations stolen from the very heart of The Sacred Book Of Boden.
'how will we know the true believers amidst this sea of Nextites?' they cried, for they were as lost souls in the night
Thus it became that they vowed from that time forth, when lost in the crowds of school gate, high street or local park they would cry 'darling, come to me for I bearest taramasalata and a smidgeon of spelt pitta' and each amongst them would know their sign.
And it was good.

But Johnnie did seeth the approach of the Nextites and he realised the true Bodenites needed a sign.

And lo he did emboiderith a small Jack Russell terrier upon all the smallest of the clothes so the wearer would know who was true.

And the Terrier of Russel,l the canine embodiment of the true spirit of Boden did come to be the sign among them.

Why, why don't I preview? It would save much kicking of self.

And it came to pass after these things that the young women of the earth turned to Jack Wills and would no longer be suffered to wear the hotch potch and the towelling beach dress.

And Johnnie saw this, and said, I will destroy Jack Wills. And behold, the hoodies and the gilets and the flowery skirts shall be made by me, and only by me, and they shall be marginally cheaper and less desirable.

And so came into being Johnnie B.

And the mothers did buy Johnnie B for their older daughters, and the older daughters did shun it because there's a difference between having JACK WILLS on the elastic of your knicker waistband and JOHNNIE B, the name of a middle-aged married man.

And when the people did not buy Johnnie B, Johnnie was angry, and it repented him that he had made Johnnie B, and it grieved him at his heart.

And Johnnie said, I will make the sizes confusing and the fabric disappointingly thin.

Love this. Thank you. Cn you store Mumsnet threads?

And the mothers did buy Johnnie B for their older daughters, and the older daughters did shun it because there's a difference between having JACK WILLS on the elastic of your knicker waistband and JOHNNIE B, the name of a middle-aged married man.

And verrily, it was the funniest thing she hath read all week.

And Johnnie Boden spake unto his designers, and said,
For each dress and each top and each funky duffle, and for each pack of 2 long johns and each pack of 2 short johns and each reversible teddy zip through
Let them appear in three or possibly four different fabrics. And the first of these fabrics shall be blue and white striped. And the second of these shall be vintage rose, or if it is not vintage rose then let it be funky spots. And the third, or possibly fourth, shall be of such fabric as none shall wish to wear.
And it shall be of orange and brown paisley, or of some big apples, or it shall have doggies on it.
And in the time of the great sale, the first of these fabrics shall sell out instantly. And the second shall sell out shortly afterwards. And the last of these shall still remain untouched.
Ye shall do no learning from the fact that the two nicer fabrics always sell out, and neither shall she observe that age 13 woollen dresses with spots on shall not sell.
And Johnnie spake, and he said,
Therefore shall ye observe my statutes, and all my judgments, and do them: I am Johnnie Boden.

'Tis a Revelation.

Too funny!

If MN didn't own copyright to all of this it ought to be published!

Hilarious.

Lol at mayor axe stretchy fabric

Mayornaze. Grr

Lol also at three fabrics.

Coming to this thread late but just want to make clear that Johnny Boden did NOT invent me, on the first day or any other.

Though this thread is PROPER FUNNY. Old MN style. Wit aboundeth here.

SuePurblit = SuPurb.

Johnnie did look upon the land and did decree that the anointed shall receive an invitation to a Town Hall Sale, to held in a barn on an industrial estate. For two weeks the apostles will fast and devote themselves to Boden.

Under the cover of darkness the weary apostles shall gather having travelled from afar. At first light they shall survey the queue and quickly divine the Heathens amongst them and pity their belief in false gods. At the ninth hour the door of the barn shall open. In rusheth the chosen. Those on their first pilgrimage will look on in reverence at the 1000 square foot of true Boden.

High Priestesses, in their feverance, shall pile their baskets high with all of the Boden of Mini. Whereuponce they shall pay for their goods, return home and spread the good work of the Lord by selling the wares on Ebay.

But, Lo, the sun darkened and the moon would not give its light. And the Lord God Johnny B showeth himself to be a jealous God!

'Submit to my 'fun' cord skirt and stretch boots!' sayeth he, 'And turn not towards thy false idols, White Stuff and Fat Face, for they know not the (chic, embellished) way of the Lord and are worshipped only by the wicked and misguided Tunicites and Floralites and others from the evil Twelve Tribes of Peruna...'

etc etc

very funy thread, btw!

Thus it came to pass that the Pharisees, who were verily clothed only
in Per Una Speziale, went forth.
Johnnie wept.

The nextites fell before Johnny and did flagellate.

'Begone' he sayeth, 'you have forsaken me oh foul daughters of those Tribes of Peruna. You are damned to walk the earth for all eternity in fussy garments with disproportionately large embellishments.'

And they did weep

But verily even as they rent their tunics the web drew them further in with enticing offers and cunning words and further tunics to replace the rent and even there were raiments for those bearing child for Johnny did covet all the little children to be brought unto him even whilst in utero

And to spread the good word, Johnnie did decree that there be parteeeeees.
At church halls, schools and loyal followers' homes the disciples arrived . Hear the swish of their skirts and the clip clop of their pony skin flats.
And Johnnie reminded them" Thou shalt not covert thy neighbours' fun skirt or their favourite V neck cardigan. Thou shalt only be redeemed when thou purchase thine."

And just as the loyal followers were just about to loose their way and waver in their blind following of all that johnnie proclaimed up popped a message from the lord himself. Delivered by the favourite tool(email) it said "come my loyal followers and read the true views of my disciples and how they demonstrate their loyalty for they are just like you." And so the loyal flock dutifully logged on and clicked the reviews and found that there were many believers, all waxing on about their fun loving tunics or flat pumps or hotch potch wears and they felt relieved all was not lost to them.

This thread had me laughing out loud today sitting at the next table to a "johnnie follower" keep it up ladies.

Lol at pony skin clip clop

When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I dressed in appliqued garments as a child: but when I became a woman, I should have put away childish things. For now we see in a glass dimly in the changing room of life that there cometh a time for every woman when she must renounce the fun T shirt and the flippy skirt and embrace chinos and sensible flats.

Now black, silver and navy pumps abide but the greatest of these is navy .

And the Lord Johnnie spoke to Aylleesun (favourite colour: vintage clematis flowerburst) and bade her forsake not the favourite cami in ocean blue and the brushed cotton pull-ons while she drive-eth the children to school. For glory shall come unto thee who shows that Boden loveliness shall be effortless and can be dressed up with lace trimmed cardigan. And Aylleesun obeyed the Lord and the Lord gave unto her an early summer preview.

SuePurblyBit, you literally made me LOL ....

"Then sayeth Thalia (33), that the glory was to be found in fresh baked bread. But the masses knew she speaketh with forked tongue and did Not Do Carbeths "

Lol at summer preview

Surely his Spring Previews and 15% off e-vouchers will follow me
all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of Johnny B forever.

The lords my shepherd I shall not want.
He maketh me to skip tweely in green pastures
He causeth me to look fondly at surfie children beside still waters
He restoreth my soul.

And though I walk in the valley of the shadow of white stuff
I shall fear no evil baggy shapelessness
For johnny is with me and his hotch and his potch bringeth me comfort

And those that were untrue to the Lord Johnnie or worshipped at other altars; and those whose mockery and jibes were graven upon the binary tablet; and those whose nets were cast maternal; yea, even these said lo! let one of our number inscribe the number of these verses at the place where the Lord tweeteth, so that the Lord may see and know what he has done. For the Lord may laugh even at himself; and if he be an Egg, may prove himself thereby to be Good.

Then sayeth Thalia (33), that the glory was to be found in fresh baked bread. But the masses knew she speaketh with forked tongue and did Not Do Carbeths

SuePurblyBit you too are so funny and you made me lol!!

I bloody love this thread

And lo, the