to have expected a flume ride to feel the same as it did when i was a kid. FFS I go like a rocket now!

(96 Posts)
Nevergarglebrandybutter Sun 08-Jan-12 18:58:29

Yowser, I was out of control!
I nearly got flipped over. Ankles over the side the lot. And there's no brakes once you get your speed up.
Crikey, I used to enjoy them now it's quite obviously dangerous!

<note to self, you used to weigh 4 stone>

wannabestressfree Sun 08-Jan-12 19:02:50

That really made me laugh as I recalled being on holiday and leaving a water flume in a very undignified way and exposing WAY to much arse cheek and side boob............
I am still upset and confused as to why rollercoasters don't thrill me as much though and why I now feel queasy...........
Am a bit upset to be old tbh

SantasENormaSnob Sun 08-Jan-12 19:11:14

I bloody love water flumes.

Except the plug hole ones when I always fall out arse first hmm this could be due to the size of it

Nevergarglebrandybutter Sun 08-Jan-12 19:39:05

The sauna was much more civilised.

hwjm1945 Sun 08-Jan-12 19:48:18

i think that an adult woman of about 5ft 4 and about 10 stone, whihc is prob pretty average is exactly the right size/shape from a quaNTUM POINT OF VIEW to go like s**t off a stick on flumes, I know I did! on point, now feel sick if go on swing, def did not pre kids, is that getting older or is it having had kids?

Nevergarglebrandybutter Sun 08-Jan-12 20:03:35

y'see i used the old trick of sliding on my heels and shoulder blades absolutely rigid, that used to be sufficient for getting some velocity.
had to shut my eyes for the second half and hope i came out the end the right way up.

of course DH was highly entertained as i shot out of the end with my ankles in the air.

Nevergarglebrandybutter Sun 08-Jan-12 20:05:32

hw, i'm not sure what makes us lose the nerve to swing a swing til you get the 'bumps' and then jump off.

Asturimama Sun 08-Jan-12 20:07:56

Thank you so much for making me laugh!! I love your thread title and I now have a lovely mental image of a grown up woman shooting out of the ride grin

Backtobedlam Sun 08-Jan-12 20:08:30

Had exactly this on some flumes we went on over Christmas. Plus, I'm sure my swimwear doesn't have the same staying ability...either that or I've got more saggy, but I'm sure it can't be that!

englishmummyinwales Sun 08-Jan-12 20:13:40

You made me laugh out loud! I went on one last year and was thinking 'blimey I'm going faster than expected and who is that annoying woman shrieking at the top of her voice?' I landed very unelegantly, upside down in the little pool at the bottom and gradually realised that the shrieking woman had been me....

CrotchFlakes Sun 08-Jan-12 20:13:46

The ones near us are so slow you have to ooph yourself along on your hands half way down, and the supposedly pitch black flume has gone see through so it's not scary at all.... except the little fuckers at the council refurbished them when I wasn't looking so last time I went I ended up 1. soaked 2. upside down and 3. terrified in the dark hmm

Nevergarglebrandybutter Sun 08-Jan-12 20:38:33

grin little fuckers at the council.

ShineYourButtonsWithBrasso Sun 08-Jan-12 20:44:29

Very funny. My moment was on a gigantic inflatable, bouncy slide.

I took our 3 year old up and copied all the children who did a stand up bounce drop and fuck me I flew about 6ft up in the air, at one point I thought I was going to miss the slide completely and squash all the littles in the que at the bottom!!

Nevergarglebrandybutter Sun 08-Jan-12 20:47:24

it's like the adult body comes as a surprise.

Last time I went on one it was on one of those rubber rings at a giant water park. My bum fell through too far and I hit the bumps with my bum. Unfortunately my swimming costume didnt survive very well. It was a long walk back to the privacy of my towel blush

McHappyPants2012 Sun 08-Jan-12 21:01:15

i love them, now ds is tall enough i use them alot more smile

very funny grin

Last time I used a flume we had a double inflatable ring, my friends DD (8) came with me as a little too wary to go alone. She took her other DD(6) and my DS(7) went alone. Not sure my friend and I were much reassurance to her DD's. blush

We both forgot the obligatory drop and sudden speed up in the middle.

My DS just gave all 4 of us the hmm look at the bottom. grin

Birnamwood Sun 08-Jan-12 21:11:12


In America I went on one of those really steep 'slide' flumes. No one told me to keep mt legs crossed. I ended up with both an enema, douche and a fanjo floss from my swimming costume blush

Nevergarglebrandybutter Sun 08-Jan-12 21:26:31

your foof must have been gleaming.

Nevergarglebrandybutter Sun 08-Jan-12 21:58:07

I once lept off a cliff into lake. Coniston perhaps.
Dropped like a rock and hit the bottom, cut my foot and gasped as i pushed myself to the surface.
All the 8 years olds were fine, just sort of bobbed up to the top.

AKMD Sun 08-Jan-12 22:03:41

Hilariously funny thread.

I was wondering about this sort of thing last year - I used to be the one making teacups whizz round faster than anyone else but now I feel sick have a horrible feeling in my stomach at anything more than a sedate whirl. Swings are too scary for me blush

voodoobarbie Sun 08-Jan-12 22:14:38

The Masterblaster at the Sandcastle shoots the ring up the first slide, the attendant span me around and the force of the water pulled my shorts down in full view of the queue. I spent the whole ride trying to pull them back up before getting back to the start.

noblegiraffe Sun 08-Jan-12 22:19:29

Am loving the quantum explanation for going like s**t off a stick grin

I went on a water slide in the summer. Fuck me I thought I was going to die. The four year old I was with wanted to go straight back on it. The adults were grimly taking it in turns to accompany her.

valleyqueen Sun 08-Jan-12 22:58:35

About 6 yrs agoI went on a slide with one of those double rubber tyre thingys, I went on with my dad as dd was too little to go on. He was on the front and screamed all the way down. I laughed so much I wet myself blush sitting right behind my poor dad legs either side.

Have also been washed off a body board in the sea and found myself topless with my boob in some poor mans eat. grin

valleyqueen Sun 08-Jan-12 22:59:08


NewYearEverything Sun 08-Jan-12 23:02:17

grin I love water flumes.

lolo at being eat for some poor man

loving this thread, v good

MrsDistinctlyMintyMonetarism Sun 08-Jan-12 23:05:56

Me too!

I took DS when he was just a littley on a small water slide at the local pool. Not that high or long but jeez it was an awful lot faster than I remember.

And I got that funny sick feeling from too much adrenaline.

And then he of course shouted 'again again'. Noooooooooooooooooo.

I got told off on subsequent journeys for trying to slow it down with my hands. [shame]

MrsDistinctlyMintyMonetarism Sun 08-Jan-12 23:06:47

or blush blush blush

(don't wanna bring y'all down but a flume park in Corfu gave me an ear infection, then I got Labyrinthitis, four days in hosp before a double jab up the bum and stuffed onto the plane. niiiiiiiice)

Jasper Sun 08-Jan-12 23:07:57

that is the funniest AIBU title I have ever read.
Thank you!

QOD Sun 08-Jan-12 23:09:18

I went to aqualand in Dubai, I was only 7weeks post op major surgery but was only on a rubber ring doing the lazy river!!
Except you got side tracked up a kind of conveyor, fed to left or right, OH MY GOD .... If you go left, there is a ten foot sheer total drop, you the spin, go upside down and whirl down a huge slide. . . Honestly thought I was going to die or rupture my wounds. . . .
So of course we went back and went left . . . An extra little conveyor took us up a bit more and I rolled back ward and couldn't sit up again mum and dd were actually sobbing with laughter as I had had 7 incisions and had not a single working stomach muscle
The photos were so hideous that. We didn't buy them but now we wish we had!!

Alibabaandthe40nappies Sun 08-Jan-12 23:09:39


This happened to me this year on holiday. I ended up going down headfirst on my back, and there was a pool halfway down where I banged my ankle really hard on an edge underwater.

Now I'm actually PMSL remembering.

DH thought it was hysterical grin

valleyqueen Sun 08-Jan-12 23:17:35

I am back to Florida in April so will be in for more shame I expect. Can't bloody wait though.

boohoobabywho Sun 08-Jan-12 23:26:13

i have cried laughing with some of these posts... i sound like mutley.

I too am a lot larger than i used to be (size 18) and went on holiday with my 4 foot 5 best mate, size 0!

she went on the flume and talked me into it saying how much fun it was. we went up together and she went first.. perfect, got out at the bottom like Bo 'effin' Derek

Yours truely also fell foul of quantum physics.... i shot out of the flume like a bullet, wiping out three children with the tidal wave. furthermore the pool at the end wasnt long enough to halt my velocity and i crashed into the wall at the end of the pool. Call the spanish paramedics, who had to surgically remove my swimming costume, and confirm that although i hadnt broken my ankle... i had knocked the tiles off the pool wall.

at least it was spain and noone knew me... except my best mate... who posted the photos on facebook!

join me in a diet anyone?

NewYearEverything Mon 09-Jan-12 10:02:26

grin boohoo, especially at "wiping out three children with the tidal wave"

FionaBruise Mon 09-Jan-12 10:04:36

great thread!!

housemovehell Mon 09-Jan-12 10:07:34

You made a very depressed me laugh with just the title post. For this I thank you!

Byeckerslike Mon 09-Jan-12 10:17:16

grin boohoo!! grin grin

WhatIsPi Mon 09-Jan-12 10:21:11

Bloody hell I thought you were talking about a log flume - I thought you had your ankles over the sides of one of them at Chessington or some such. Eek.

CrotchFlakes Mon 09-Jan-12 10:27:12

boohoo Oh dear grin

boohoo PMSL grin. You tell it so well too!

Nevergarglebrandybutter Mon 09-Jan-12 17:57:26

<stifling laughter in an open plan office here>

fuck, you knocked the tiles off the wall! oh lordy. that's fabulous behaviour.

i'm so glad i'm not alone with this.

boohoobabywho Mon 09-Jan-12 18:22:22

honest, we went back the next day... (I know- i'd had too much sun and was convinced that noone would be there two days in a row)

BIG mistake - not only had they closed the flume for ahem repairs.... a small boy pointed and shouted 'theres that fat woman from yesterday who broke the pool!'

oh the shame....

NoMoreInsomnia12 Mon 09-Jan-12 18:23:32

When DD1 was little I thought I would 'help' her by going up with her on a wavy slide in an indoor play centre (the kind where 4 kids can slide down together side by side) and holding her hand on the way down. I went off like shit off a shovel, dragged her sideways and we landed at the bottom to a crowd of shocked/amused parent faces. DD1 wasn't hurt though and laughed her head off. blush

chocolateyclur Mon 09-Jan-12 20:50:37

Another who thought of a log flume here!

BerryLellow Mon 09-Jan-12 21:01:27

I'm actually weeping at this thread. Thank you, I needed it today. grin

LynnCSchreiber Mon 09-Jan-12 21:07:24

You nut. I love that story.

Good thread.

FionaBruise Mon 09-Jan-12 21:09:40

wah more more more stories please!!!
DH in stitches too

Macdog Mon 09-Jan-12 21:19:28

I am crying with laughter here

Thank you ladies grin

PANCHEY Mon 09-Jan-12 21:21:31

DH just asked me if I was drunk..nope just reading this thread,

FionaBruise Mon 09-Jan-12 21:21:39

wah lets all the mumsnetters do a sponsored flume event :-)

Boohoo, just tried reading out your post to DH, cept I'd not read it properly before beginning to read... think I may have weed a little bit plus I ended up spitting all over the laptop screen when I got to the part about calling the paramedics.

By far the funniest thing I've ever read on here.

Well done.

can we have a link to the photos?

JayVazzle Mon 09-Jan-12 21:43:57

I also remember going to a water park
With an ex, I had a suspicion he couldn't swim but he insisted he could.

Anyways he almost drowned at the bottom of the first flume, the water was 4 ft deep and there were 6 year olds coming down it, he just wouldn't put his feet on the floor and had to be rescued by the lifeguard.

He spent the rest of the day watching me
Pull my bikini bottoms out of my arse at the bottom of slides, and we broke up
Shortly after.

Nevergarglebrandybutter Mon 09-Jan-12 21:44:25

this thread is really making me grin.

i urge all mumsnetters who haven't been down a flume since achieving adult status to give it a go. honestly, your life (and your swimsuit) may well flash before your very eyes.

Nevergarglebrandybutter Mon 09-Jan-12 21:47:00

my favourite flumes as a kid were the rainbow slides in Stirling.
there was one in particular that was scary back then....
hmm, anyone in stirling willing to check it out?

This has made classics grin

Nevergarglebrandybutter Mon 09-Jan-12 21:58:47


CatpussRoastingByAnOpenFire Mon 09-Jan-12 22:13:31

We went to a water park on holiday in Wales this year. Not only did I have to go through the humiliation of MIL2 picking out a swim suit from the rail in the shop, "this looks about your size" (20) and it actually fitted! blush
But when I got on the flume, all the water backed up behind me. It was like a fecking tsunami! DS said he knew when I was coming, because the water stopped coming out of the end, and then out I would burst, like a walrus out of a cannon, arms and legs flailing, to hit the water and knock him off his feet if he wasnt out of the pool fast enough!

Faverolles Mon 09-Jan-12 22:22:55

grin at this thread! I really needed this tonight.

DH went on one of these at center parcs a few years ago. Physics can't have been on his side, as he was in the bloody thing for ages.
Lifeguards were peering up the hole worriedly.
After about half an hour, he slowly plopped out at the bottom.
To this day, no-one knows how he managed to defy laws of gravity and go so bloody slowly!

boohoobabywho Mon 09-Jan-12 22:40:13

Faverolles maybe he did that Augustus Gloop thing and got stuck in the pipe!

ChrisMsBrian Mon 09-Jan-12 23:05:52

DP and I both laughing our heads off ... Thank you ladies!

HedleyLamarr Mon 09-Jan-12 23:21:36

Oh my Catpuss you poor thing. gringringrin

ShowOfHands Mon 09-Jan-12 23:23:55

I am crying with laughter.

We go to Center Parcs with my parents every March and a lot of the time I've either been pregnant or bfing and couldn't possibly go on the hell that is the rapids. But eventually I ran out of excuses. Bloody thing. It's in sections so you can experience the full range of trauma on the way down. The first bit sucks you under and sort of removes your swimwear whilst you scrabble for purchase and cry. The second bit hurtles you into a pit where you get the full force of a wave into your open eyes, blinding you and if you're lucky, also choking you. Then the third bit you sort of spin round whilst screeching before banging your head on an imitation rock and tearing a hole in the arse of your swimming costume.



Of course a load of 5-15yos cruise past you effortlessly whilst giggling. It serves to highlight your complete and utter spiral into agony. Physical and emotional.

McPhee Mon 09-Jan-12 23:24:39

Bloody hilarious grin

Alibabaandthe40nappies Mon 09-Jan-12 23:40:50

Catpuss was it Bluestone?

CatpussRoastingByAnOpenFire Mon 09-Jan-12 23:53:47

I cant remember. I have blanked the entire episode from my memory!
Swinning pool? What swimming pool?

Alibabaandthe40nappies Mon 09-Jan-12 23:58:12


Iheartpasties Tue 10-Jan-12 01:02:18

I admire you all for even getting on a flume! I'd be way too scared!

MuslinSuit Tue 10-Jan-12 08:52:52

grin thank you for making me laugh - I need it this morning!

Nevergarglebrandybutter Fri 13-Jan-12 17:50:26

and the roundup!
have i finally mastered the art of the mumsnet thread?

nightingale452 Fri 13-Jan-12 22:55:01

You should try waterskiing for the ultimate enema - when you fall over it feels like the entire lake's been fired up your jaxi with a canon (note I say when, not if)

Megfox Sat 14-Jan-12 19:29:49

I never had a flume ride! Always looked much too risky for my liking! I don't DO risky. And I don't see why ANY parent should do something as trivial as a fairground/theme park ride if it's against their own desire, just to please their children.

God knows, we give up/do enough as parents that we shouldn't feel compelled to do what goes against the grain just so that our children can have a , 'fun,' experience. Why should we be forced into doing something so pointlessly stomach-churning and spine-wrenching as a flume ride.....?

Get REAL! Either the children do such a thing alone, or they don't do it at ALL - until they're old enough not to need a parent to accompany them.

NewYearEverything Sat 14-Jan-12 19:34:56

um Megfox because it's fun fro adults too? hmm

LivingDead Sat 14-Jan-12 22:47:40

I don't know, I was 13 when I went on holiday with my sister, I went on plenty of flume rides at the water park and am glad to know that the enema effect is not just apparent on me.

I went to the loo and managed to emit pure water from the bum hole blush It seemed to happen every time so I gave up on the whole water slide business.

I didn't try it again in Florida, although would be tempted if I went back.

Well wonders will never cease. I thought that if there could be at least one thread on the whole of mumsnet that could go without stick in the mud posters that have no sense of fun or humour that this one would be it.

Not for the first time I've been proven wrong.

Nevergarglebrandybutter Sun 15-Jan-12 15:30:28

i'm not sure at what point i said my children made me do this?
or that i went down the flume to benefit them in some way?

sometimes, things can just be fun for fun's sake.

PomBearAtTheGatesOfDoom Tue 17-Jan-12 00:01:30

Catpuss I think I love you - I have just laughed til I cried at the image of you (and in my vision you look like a cast member of Cats but in tasteful pink and white stripes a la Bagpuss and in a nice lime green one piece cossie) emerging from a flume hole like Rusell Grant from his canon at Wembley on Strictly. The phrase "like a walrus from a canon" will stay with me and brighten my days forever grin I thank you.

SaggyOldClothCatPuss Tue 17-Jan-12 00:07:47

My pleasure! grin I've actually made myself chuckle reading that back!

TitWillow Sun 22-Jan-12 19:19:18

Nevergargle the bad news is that the Rainbow slides have closed down.

Used to love them. The Sunny slide, the Rainy Run and the Thunder tube.

Nevergarglebrandybutter Sun 22-Jan-12 23:27:55

The Thunder tube was basically a vertical drop with a bend at the end. Red iirc?

Reckon i'd go right through the tube before the bend these days. Maybe why they closed down.

TitWillow Mon 23-Jan-12 18:25:01

Nah, Thunder tube was blue. With flashing lights and a vertical drop which hurt like hell. Sometimes you would continue straight on and smack your head on the roof before dropping down and banging your arse. Fun days.

Nevergarglebrandybutter Mon 23-Jan-12 20:19:22

flashing lights? not in 1987 they didn't!

TitWillow Thu 26-Jan-12 18:23:16

maybe I imagined them after the head injuries. grin

pixiestix Sun 05-Feb-12 14:46:54

Oh Catpuss I am weeping at "walrus out of a cannon". What a beautiful image!

ABigGirlDoneItAndRanAway Thu 08-Mar-12 15:06:52

Nevergargle try the Olympia pool in Dundee, they have a slide that drops you into the diving pool from a height of about 20 feet, same as the middle diving board. I used to love it as a child but really don't think I would have the bottle to try it now, but be quick because I believe the Olympia is shutting soon too.

Brilliant thread, walrus out of a canon, pure genius can't say more, I'm still crying with laughter

Osmiornica Sun 18-Mar-12 11:37:48

These are hilarious. I've not been on one since I was a teenager and since reading these I hope I won't ever again grin

bronze Sun 18-Mar-12 11:39:36

I always get stuck on flies. I'm not even overweight pah

bronze Sun 18-Mar-12 11:40:09

flies flumes damn phone

Katiebeau Thu 22-Mar-12 13:01:46

Bump. Now if the force of water up your fanjo is that high would it cure a mild prolapse???? I have to redo my make up now. I look like a goth. grin

maristella Sat 31-Mar-12 01:30:35

Bit late to the thread but I'm crying with laughter!!

A few years back I was on holiday in the Med with DS and friends.
We went to Aqualand, at my insistence hmm

Ds convinced me to go down a massive slide, it was soooo high up. And you had to go down on your front on a mat. All the other women demurely declined.

Obviously I beat him and the other guys from our group down, but my mat had slipped down and I was hanging onto it for dear life with my arse slightly raised (as you do). I got to the bottom of the slide and my bikini bottoms were almost to my ankles shock All of a sudden DS and the guys were there. DS looked really queasy and muttered 'Oh my God'; our friends kindly lead him away.... My bikini bottoms had rolled themselves so much that they took about 5 minutes of untangling, all with my arse exposed. Never again!

summerintherosegarden Mon 16-Apr-12 15:58:48

Also a bit late but had to add...

Swimming pool in France. Queue for the flume is at the bottom of a flight of stairs that takes you up to the launch site. A green light tells you when to climb the stairs. In front of me was a little girl who clearly took a heck of a lot longer to climb the stairs than I did...hence the traffic light system didn't entirely work and as I zoomed round a corner of the flume I saw her floating gently down in front of me.

I screamed - she looked back - she screamed - I managed to maneuver myself like a bobsled onto the side of the flume and passed her with the lightest of touches.

Lesson learned - never run up the flume stairs, however excited you may be.

gruffaloflaps Mon 01-Oct-12 17:08:25

when in CentreParcs many years ago my best friend and I decided to go down the outside flumes/water ride. I arrived at the bottom pool and turned around to watch for her coming around the corner. My first glimpse was of the backs of her calves and arse as she flipped over. On her way down the final slide she managed to pull off a "washing machine manoeuvre" landing with a giant splash. As she stood up her hair was totally covering her face and her tits were out, she parted her hair to reveal a completely bloody nose and a bonkers grin. It was brilliant fun!

MadamFolly Fri 02-Nov-12 22:04:17

Last time I went on a water slide it was one that ends in a massive toilet bowl and drops you in a deep pool. I didn't know which way up I was, I nearly drowned much to the mirth of my so-called mates.

That same day I was persuaded to go on the dives, bellyflopped very painfully off the bouncy dive and the high dive caused me to shriek like a three year old and released my bosom from its captive prison in front of a load of 8 year old boys blush

EricIsMine Sat 05-Jan-13 23:05:53

Bit late to the thread, but at Wet n Wild in Orlando OH and myself had been repeat riding the Brain Wash as there were no queues. The rubber inflatable mat takes up to four people but we were riding as a two, one opposite the other (nicely balanced!). Quite a high speed ride, but great fun!

So, the attendant ask us if we mind a single rider joining us, we say "no problem" and a lady joins us who is on the larger size (I'm no skinny minny, but he was probably half as heavy again as myself). We all sit on the mat, but now we're an unbalanced 3, heading down a pitch black chute at top speed!

I though we were going to tip over at one point, but it was absolutely hilarious! Made a five minute friend of a lovely lady from New York from that flume ride too... Holiday win! grin

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