You know you have a toddler when...

(254 Posts)
Psammead Sun 27-Nov-11 07:40:46

You have to stop in the street when you see a bus for a quiet but rousing verse of 'The Wheels on the Bus'.

You accidentely bash the cat over the head, and then watch it for a few fretful seconds to see if it will burst into tears.

You have to resist the urge to clap and congratulate others on mundane achievements such as eating up all their din-dins.

You say din-dins.

You refer to yourself in the third person. This is the preserve of toddler-parents and psychopaths. This may or may not be a coincidence.

You decide that you prefer the skirting board coloured-in.

You automatically get excited and start pointing out the NeeNaw whenever you hear a siren. Even to your workmates.

Stickers seem vaguely fascinating but you're not sure why you are getting fascinated by your bosses post it notes.

CaptainMartinCrieff Sun 27-Nov-11 07:45:38

You're playing football at 5:30am.

Your shoulder is encrusted with bogeys.

Tee2072 Sun 27-Nov-11 07:50:40

You think 'well at least he's eating' when the chosen breakfast is Cheese Crackers, apple sauce, an apple and some pretzels.

Still think like that Tee. DD would eat scones or pancakes every day if she could.
She is closer to 11 than 10.

Sirzy Sun 27-Nov-11 08:07:08

7.30 seems like a lie in.

You happily walk around asda singing "wind the bobbin up" for the 50th time that hour.

BiscuitNibbler Sun 27-Nov-11 08:13:46

You are disappointed and apologetic when the level crossing is open and no trains are coming.

Sirzy I was going to say 0630 is a lie-in! confused

Your handbag contains a spare nappy, wipes, a colouring book and crayons but you realise you left your wallet at home.

Pursang Sun 27-Nov-11 08:50:47

When buying a new car your choice in entirely dictated by how big the boot is.

Pursang Sun 27-Nov-11 08:51:51

Shopping lists are frequently written in crayon.

PontyMython Sun 27-Nov-11 08:54:33

You find a helicopter in the washing machine.

You put on a shoe to find some Lego in it.

PontyMython Sun 27-Nov-11 08:55:29

You call each other mummy and daddy even when the DCs are in bed.

BikeRunSki Sun 27-Nov-11 08:57:30

There is a plastic spider in your pocket.

GeekLove Sun 27-Nov-11 09:00:03

You are overjoyed at the sight of a big pile of poo. When it is in th confines of a potty.

BoffinMum Sun 27-Nov-11 09:01:46

You sniff people's houses suspecting phantom poos behind chairs.

Nat38 Sun 27-Nov-11 09:03:55

There are hand prints all over the TV & all sorts of other places!!

MrsChemist Sun 27-Nov-11 09:05:07

Your sofa is stained with everything it possibly could be. Soy sauce cushion, anyone?

cantpooinpeace Sun 27-Nov-11 09:06:39

You're hand bag is full of bad behaviour bribes/keep them quiet toys.

cantpooinpeace Sun 27-Nov-11 09:07:07

Your handbag

zipzap Sun 27-Nov-11 09:18:06

You don't think there's anything strange in a request to have still-frozen peas on your chocolate spread sandwich. And then find yourself actively encouraging it as a handy way of getting more green veg and a bit of protein added to the usual breakfast fare.

You find yourself playing yellow car (being first person to shout out yellow car/van/lorry etc) whenever you see a yellow car anywhere when you are out.

You go all gooey when your little one says 'I luff ooo mummy. You my best friend. You can have Brian the bakugan [favourite toy] to play with if you want.' and you do take Brian. And play with him for just a little while before handing him back.

You find yourself asking your colleagues if they want any milky in their tea or coffee when doing the drinks run at work.

TheLastChocolate Sun 27-Nov-11 09:18:41

When you see a dog out in the street you have a huge urge to go, "Oh look, there's a woof woof dog".... even if the DC isn't with you blush

You wake up and go to bed humming, whistling or singing theme tunes of popular CBeebies shows.

Iggly Sun 27-Nov-11 09:19:50

Bottom of your handbag is full of dried pasta, clothes pegs and rice cakes. Cue embarrassment at work when pulling out a pen for a meeting hmm

You have several kids' toothbrushes in the hope that he'll let you use one of them to clean his teeth.

You have no qualms about bodily fluids, vomit, poo, wee - bring it on (ok only from said toddler).

You develop a sixth sense for danger 2 secs after entering a room for the first time.

SkiBumMum Sun 27-Nov-11 09:28:26

Killing myself laughing at these.

Getting to 5pm and realising you haven't been to the loo since you got up despite spending all day asking if LO wants a wee.

Quite liking cold coffee.

openerofjars Sun 27-Nov-11 09:30:45

You fear and suspect quiet.

AWimbaWay Sun 27-Nov-11 09:41:09

The mice don't bother invading the food cupboards, they're heartily feasting on the copious amounts stuffed under the sofa/radiator/sideboard.

Pursang Sun 27-Nov-11 09:54:24

Lol openerofjars!

Your expensive make up brush has been demoted to paintbrush.

You actually stop what you are doing and watch when a Peppa Pig episode you haven't seen (a rare occasion) is on the telly.

You discover the many and varied uses of wetwipes and wonder how you ever coped pre-DC without at least three packets in your handbag.

You have a rare night out with non-parent friends who look at you with incredulity when you suggest going to bar that shut down at least 2 years ago.

MrsChemist Sun 27-Nov-11 09:56:25

My expensive make up brush has been demoted to microphone.

AWimbaWay Sun 27-Nov-11 10:06:07

You're back home in bed by 10.30pm after a very rare night out because you know you'll be up at 3am 5am 6am.

You say to dh, 'if you looking for your keys, they're in your shoe. Not the one under the chalk board but the one on top of the sofa.'

a good majority of conversations start by you saying a name three times at increasing volumes followed by 'are you listening to me?'. You then whisper 'who wants a biscuit?' and are bugged for 30 mins until you provide said biscuit.

you don't bat an eyelid at finding most of the happy land populace under the sofa cushions

when switching on the tv in the suite of the 4 star hotel you're staying at during the only child free break you've had in three years , to exclaim with delight 'oh Peppa pig's on' only to feel let down when you realise it's the one about reacyling that you have on dvd

you find yourself apologising for not being the controller of Cbeebies/ radio 2/ Itv and being unable to make the octonaughts appear at will

you enlist the help of your sister to make a warewolf vampire hunter costume for christmas and have no shame in explaining in great detail to bemused colleagues what exactly this is.

Gapants Sun 27-Nov-11 10:13:01

You have childless friends round to dinner, you are clock watching at 11pm, wondering why the hell they won't leave as you are basically asleep with your eyes open.

You think Justin (Mr Tumble) is a comedy genius.

The urge to redecorate the house seems redundant.

ChristmasBreak Sun 27-Nov-11 10:13:13

You go out with your non-mummy friends and find yourself in a trendy bar, dancing like a children's tv presenter. Complete with waving hands. grin

ezzie21 Sun 27-Nov-11 10:14:09

your listening to the cd of christmas songs in the car in july...alone blush

AWimbaWay Sun 27-Nov-11 10:20:14

You're not sure what to do with your arms on the rare occasion you find yourself walking without a pushchair or small child in hand.

Other people's children have become cute again (after your baby was the only baby in your the world) and that's only because they haven't exhausted your patience, annoyed you, about to annoy you, bickered and stropped for the past half hour and best of all, you're gonna hand them back. Unlike your toddler who you're stuck with wink

AWimbaWay Sun 27-Nov-11 10:24:54

You look forward to child free time in the evenings, then spend all evening talking about the children and looking at photos of them

blackeyedsusan Sun 27-Nov-11 10:48:07

you still keep eating your breakfast even when someelse is sharing it, using your spoon, has coughed into it, and has splashed both their hands about in the milk.

you never get to eat any meal without sharing.

you serve yourself extra because you know some will disappear and you still end up with only half a portion.

you sympathise when small boy has lost his snot.

you say thankyou when he hands you snot (at least it is not on the ne cushion)

your clothes are hankies/towels/cloths for the use of small boy.

you stand outside the same house everyday looking at the bees, (trying not to loook like you are spying)

No wimba its when you go shopping and think shit no pushchair, shit I've got to carry this, shit half goes to the side of the belt! grin
I only ever shop with a basket, if I can carry it around I can carry it home

DogStinkhorn Sun 27-Nov-11 10:50:02

You wave at fireman ( any excuse!)

You carry on eating your meal despite someone having a noisy poo at the table.

Buriedundernappies Sun 27-Nov-11 11:02:06

When your out with non-parent friends, and you find yourself moving all cutlery and glasses, and anything breakable to the middle of the table, even though your toddler isnt with you.

When your toddler is in bed, and your topic of conversation with DP is about the new episode of Peppa pig you saw during the day.

Fuzzled Sun 27-Nov-11 11:06:23

You develop a mental checklist for scream intensity ranging from
• mild: I've lost x, y or z (can be ignored if busy)
• moderate: I've lost x, y or z AND fallen over my own foot (token pat on head and handing over of said item/alternate item)
• severe; I've lost x, y or z AND fallen over my own foot AND I want a biscuit (as moderate but with additional biscuit)
• nuclear: I've lost x, y or z AND fallen over my own foot AND I want a biscuit AND I'm tired and I don't want to go to bed (pick up child, pat, insert milky drink, hug tight, insert into bath, dry, story, bed, leave, grab wine and pray for silence!)

when at a play group you have 2 equal instincts when you hear a high pitched cry:
1) Is my dc hurt/ ok
2) Did my dc cause it?

You find yourself spotting cows/ sheep etc when in the car. Alone.

You always have paper and a crayon pen

Share is one of the main words in your vocabulary

You look to the left and look to the right and you always can find some snot on your shoulder

You long for 7pm but dread 6pm.

Justin Flecture is the man you see most often and is a close second to daddy

You always think in terms of toilets and snacks- which would make you a fab person to be stuck in a lift with- potty anyone? Hungry? Need a wipe?

You often forget to do your hair in the morning

Pursang Sun 27-Nov-11 11:06:28

Your elderly granny can't work the phone / DVD player / microwave but knows exactly what channel cbeebies is on, turns on said channel and exclaims 'ooo the Numberjacks! Oh, it's number 4s turn again. It's always his turn'.

Your house would be tidier if an actual bomb had actually hit it

Tortoiseonthehalfshell Sun 27-Nov-11 11:12:59

You choose every single venue, outdoor and indoor, according to its proximity to toilets.

You fish in your handbag for a tissue to offer a friend and end up waving a very small pair of knickers at her instead. These may, on very fortunate occasions, still be clean and dry.

Crappy free corporate handouts at conferences, like stress balls and baseball caps, become Treasures to be taken gratefully.

On the occasions where you have a doctor, dentist, accountant or other professional appointment to which you absolutely cannot bring children, you hope fervently that they will be running an hour behind schedule.

Merrythulu Sun 27-Nov-11 11:30:12

You dread going around to a friend's house again because last time they attacked the cat in excitement, and left handprints on the telly (when they smacked the shit out of it) as you've wisely put yours up on the wall.
And you even had the foresight to move all the ornaments up two shelves for them.

GetOffTheCat Sun 27-Nov-11 11:33:37

You think broccoli should always be dipped in cherry yoghurt.

You shout 'helicopter' when out on your own.

You cheer at being handed half-chewed
anything and will eat it if there's nowhere to throw it sad

RalphGnu Sun 27-Nov-11 11:50:26

You spend a large proportion of the day muttering and sighing.

addictediam Sun 27-Nov-11 12:03:30

You get excited about the octonaughts Christmas special

When you can't find your keys/purse/shoes (any other item) the first place you look is on the toy pram, toy cupboard and under the sofa cushions

Your coffee table drawer has turned into a nice place to sit and eat dinner despite spending a fortune on a high chair hmm

It takes 45 minutes from the time you decide your going to go out to actually get out the door and you will still have forgotten something!

Your dh comes home to find you in an exausted heap on the sofa surrounded by toys, food and a dd running around with her trousers on her head, jacket wrapped round her neck and socks on her hands and doesn't bat an eye lid all he says is 'you had a nice day?'

recall Sun 27-Nov-11 12:12:57

Your non children friends actually take two paracetamols before they come round for a visit blush

lostinwales Sun 27-Nov-11 12:17:24

You automatically hold up a jumper for ease of head/arm insertion, and realise you are at work and that isn't your toddler in front of you, it's a quite attractive 20 something man whose chest you have just x-rayed blush.

pastamouse Sun 27-Nov-11 13:23:57

From late september until around easter, your jeans have pockets assigned for tissues at different stages of snot infestation:
Back left - clean
Front right - used, but still some soak-age left
Back right - saturated, throw away when next in vicinity of a bin

There is a tea towel and packet of wipes in every room

You fully realise the folly of buying nice non-flat packed furniture for the first time when you were pregnant

That land-line phones have a lock suddenly makes sense

You can identify various household objects purely by the sound they make when they fall/are dropped on the floor

addictediam Sun 27-Nov-11 13:32:34

pasta yes! never understood the need for a lock function on the house phone, now its essential - that and a loud speaker for when dd decides its her turn on the phone to granny, daddy or her auntie (who is only 5 months older than her so conversations are hilarious!!)

AWimbaWay Sun 27-Nov-11 13:49:34

Happydogsaddog That's my favourite baby book, I was looking for a copy to buy a friend, guess how much they're selling for new?

guess it's out of print! shock

Psammead Sun 27-Nov-11 14:07:14

grin I recently discovered the phone lock too, after she phoned a very grumpy man.

FoofFighters Sun 27-Nov-11 14:16:29

Your rare, weekend bath is interrupted by a toddler who comes in to tell you "I'm going to chat nicely, tell you a story and do a poo-poo" and you don't even mind grin

You reach in your bag for your purse and pull out Emily the Tank Engine instead.

You unself-consciously tell a story featuring the Toy Story cast, complete with voices, as you make your way around Asda. Anything for a scream-free shopping trip!

GertieGooseBoots Sun 27-Nov-11 19:01:37

Most of your chocolate consumption is done after the kids are in bed, so you can feel like less of a hypocrite for rationing chocolate buttons and for eating entire box of Lindor in one sitting with DH

Shutupanddrive Sun 27-Nov-11 19:17:02

The DVD cabinet is sellotaped shut, also the top of the fish tank too!

openerofjars Sun 27-Nov-11 19:30:56

You can cook quite complicated meals with someone hanging onto your leg and screaming at you.

Having initially been charmed by Tinga Tinga Tales, you secretly wish that Lion would just fucking well get on with eating all the other animals, and that horrible things would also happen to Abney and bloody Teal. And that Captain Barnacles would suddenly remember he's a polar bear and therefore a terrifying carnivore.

Katy1368 Sun 27-Nov-11 19:36:39

You walk into the posh Farrow and Ball shop with your posh handbag to order some posh paint - and have to pull a manky stinky cow toy out of your bag to get to your purse to pay!

You can tell any of about 30 favourite books without looking at them any moresmile
The bin men wave at you, even when you're on your own.
You've spent so many hours standing watching the diggers that a builder gives your child a toy digger he brought from homeblush
You know the difference between a bulldozer, a backhoe loader, and several different types of crane and tell adults about them
Someone points out that you have snot on your shoulder and you have no desire to change into a clean top.

AttillaTheMum Sun 27-Nov-11 20:02:00

you put your hand in your coat pocket and pull out soggy monster munch

AttillaTheMum Sun 27-Nov-11 20:02:47

DC are in bed and you are still watching cbeebies

NotTheBlinkingGruffaloAgain Sun 27-Nov-11 20:12:52

You drive for thirty minutes with the action songs cd on before realizing you're child-free and the CD has just imprinted on your sub conscious to the point you dont even notice its on! (really high pitched rendition three blind mice)
You talk in a shrill voice to work colleagues

baskingseals Sun 27-Nov-11 20:15:18

when you see a tractor/digger/police car without dc you feel like it is a real waste

when dc fall over and scream, you check for blood and then sort of lose interest if there isn't any

the same thing that you found quite amusing at about 11 o'clock in the morning, reduces you to quivering wreck by about 7. nice consistent parenting for the dc there then.

mamalovebird Sun 27-Nov-11 20:22:41

You experience the emotions of frustration, anger, fear, total love, sympathy and joy in the space of about one minute. I've never felt so Jekyll & Hyde emotionally.

PontyMython Sun 27-Nov-11 20:24:54

You think nothing of finding a poo flung over the stairgate hmm

LiliPinkiePie Sun 27-Nov-11 20:32:07

On the rare occasion that you go to a supermarket without them, you find yourself rocking the trolley back and forth every time you stop to look at something for a minute.

nethunsreject Sun 27-Nov-11 20:34:19

you no longer carry a handbag, but take a Thomas The Tank back pack with you everywhere.

June2009 Sun 27-Nov-11 20:34:59

you receive a text with a pic of a poo in a potty...

MrsMc82 Sun 27-Nov-11 20:41:02

You point out moo cos, baa lambs and tractor when you're giving your boss a lift to the station and ds is still at nursery.....and she's not even remotely surprised!

You hope that your posh handbag makes you look vaugely stylish seeing as the rest of your outfit has snot/biscuit goo/both stuck to the front of it....

You've finally started to 'get' abney and teal and quite like that one of the characters is a turnip!

On the rare occasions you are child free for the day, you find yourself pottering around the house 'just in case she wakes up in a minute' hmm

ginmakesitallok Sun 27-Nov-11 20:46:02

Your washing up consists of half a dozen sippy cups, a couple of toy plastic kitchen utensils, an ibruprofen syringe thing and a plastic biro covered doll

cantpooinpeace Sun 27-Nov-11 20:47:50

You definitely can't poo in peace smile and when you've finished you can't wipe in peace either for a little one repeating "look at mummy's poo......errrr mummies poo stinks" then running off and leaving the door open!

willowstar Sun 27-Nov-11 20:49:29

you slow down long before the level crossing hoping that the lights will come on so you can stop and see the trains

(previously used to road through unless barrier was actually down...)

Seeyouentea Sun 27-Nov-11 20:50:01

-you will clean a dummy from practically any surface by putting it in your own mouth.

-you've gone from sheer panic everytime they bang their head to expecting it at the smallest perceived slight, including flinging themselves backwards onto concrete.

-NOTHING at work can wind you up, you're in a serene bubble well past the state of having any nerves.

-you kno that 'ba' 'buh' 'beebees' 'bee' and 'ba-be' are all wods in their own right, and understand them. (book, bus, ceebeebies, bottle, baby)

Tigresswoods Sun 27-Nov-11 20:53:29

You whistfully reminisce about the days when you could just put them in a push chair/ car seat/ high chair without bribery or force.

FairyArmadillo Sun 27-Nov-11 21:04:55

You spend every evening after DS's bedtime exhausted watching crap TV and being online, sometimes trying to remember what life was like before DS and you spent the evenings on the many hobbies you're now too tired for.

You get really excited when the new Peppa Pig DVD comes come. (Next one is coming out in March according to Amazon.)

DS is watching Justin's House while guests are present and you embarrass yourself by squealing, "Ooo! Mr Bloom! Mr Bloom's in Justin House! I love Mr Bloom!" And then you have to explain, "Mr Bloom is a guy on CBeebies whose friends are vegetables."

AKMD Sun 27-Nov-11 21:05:17

You sing nursery rhymes to the trolley the one time you go food shopping alone.

The most prominent features of your mental map of your home town are the building sites, fire stations and the soft play centre.

Your much-loved trendy handbag languishes in a cupboard while you tote assorted toys, books, snacks and nappies around in a backpack.

You do a superman-style change of clothes in the work toilets every day as you get reay to pick up said small person.

You automatically sit of the floor in any gathering of people.

Motherofhobbit Sun 27-Nov-11 21:05:57

Anything you put into your handbag comes out covered in glitter (residues from the endless glitter sticking pictures at nursery).
You get on the train alone and get very disconcerted because you don't have to simultaneously remove child's coat, stop him from running away and produce book/toy/other distraction in the same thirty seconds.

CBear6 Sun 27-Nov-11 21:06:46

Yes, Seeyouentea! DS has started banging his forehead on the pavement when he takes a street tantrum. I was horrified the first time he did it but I'm not phased now, I just remind him how silly he was to do it.

I was sent this earlier today, why having a toddler is like being at a party:

10. There are half-full, brightly-colored plastic cups on the floor in every room. Three are in the bathtub.

9. There’s always that one girl, bawling her eyes out in a corner.

8. It’s best not to assume that the person closest to you has any control over their digestive function.

7. You sneak off to the bathroom knowing that as soon as you sit down, someone’s going to start banging on the door.

6. Probably 80% of the stains on the furniture contain DNA.

5. You’ve got someone in your face at 3 a.m. looking for a drink.

4. There’s definitely going to be a fight.

3. You’re not sure whether anything you’re doing is right, you just hope it won’t get you arrested.

2. There are crumpled-up underpants everywhere.

1. You wake up wondering exactly how and when the person in bed with you got there.

When watching I'm a celebrity you have to pause the tv to check the squeaky noise wasn't dc whimpering mummy over the monitor.

When you get excited about the newest Disney princess (rapunzel) being inaugurated at Kensington palace last month and devastated when you realise you can't go because it's dh's birthday.

AKMD what is that sitting on the floor all about? So true.

Cbear, that's just genius grin.
I can very vaguely remember parties like that, but every day with InsaneToddler aka DS3 ticks every box in your post.

When you happily wash the same sodding 'Mariokart' t-shirt every night to avoid major melt-downs in the morning over its unavailableness <<jackass>>

themothershipcalling Sun 27-Nov-11 21:18:54

You read mention of Chocolate on thread on MN and realise that there's half a packet in your bag somewhere so have to get up and find them smile

SulkySullenDame Sun 27-Nov-11 21:20:30

You always wait for the green man, Even at 2 am with nothing on the road like I did on Friday after a night out .

BabyGiraffes Sun 27-Nov-11 21:22:02

You develop unknown super-human abilities and you now

- smell a dirty nappy through two closed doors
- sense where a lost toy might have got to and find it to placate bawling child who hid it there in the first place
- move at lightning speed to catch falling toddler (or not)
- assess in an instant whether food that's fallen on the floor can still be eaten
- see in the dark to avoid child related obstacles esp small pieces of Lego
- know when silence means disaster or silence means toddlers are happily sitting and drawing on the wallpaper
- extract small objects from even smaller orifices
- have eyes in the back of your head and can 'see' that older child has just pushed younger child, so you tell off older one accordingly

StoneBaby Sun 27-Nov-11 21:23:45

You and your DH use your toddler phrases alk the time 'oh no!' 'oh dear!'

Your handbag is not small anymore and looks like a house. In mine I'll usually find a toddler shoe, a soft toy, half eaten apple, open packet of biscuits, note pad and colouring pens, muslin square...

So many of these are so true, I'm always disappointed when I see an ambulance/fire engine or rubbish lorry when DS isn't with me.

When you're at work and you announce that you're off to do a wee-wee. First you stop and consider the wisdom of using the word wee-wee and then you wonder why you didn't just get up and go without the announcement at all.

MonkeyJuice Sun 27-Nov-11 21:40:13

You have been ordered to make it snow! Now!
Your iPad screen is smeared with snot.
You possess an unreasonable amount of odd socks in small sizes.

youbethemummylion Sun 27-Nov-11 21:40:19

When playing hide and seek you hide in quite a difficult to find spot so you can get a few minutes to yourself.

AWimbaWay Sun 27-Nov-11 21:42:40

youbethemummylion, I have definitely done that!

bebeballroom Sun 27-Nov-11 21:52:54

You switch the telly on & get half way through an episode of Imagination Movers/Dora the Explorer/Ben & Holly before you realise that the toddler is at pre-school & you are compleetly alone in the house.

The word 'No' is only understood when they say it!

You find random dust covered bits of food (usually cheerios & raisins) & old dried up wet wipes in your handbag. (Which fall out everywhere in Tesco while you are searching for your purse which has been emptied of all it's cards & cash & has fridge magnets & crayons in it....Tesco don't accept crayola as a form of payment!)

CBear6 Sun 27-Nov-11 21:53:08

You can tell elaborate lies with no forethought whatsoever - "we can't watch CBeebies, Mr Tumble was feeling poorly because Katy made too many cakes so they've all gone to bed early".

You don't need to actually watch your newborn as her entire move will be reported on in minute detail - "Mama, she's been sick! ... She's poo'd, Urg baby you stink .... She's asleep now <shriek of delight> oh no! She's crying!"

Strangers know the ins and outs of your most private moments because you have the world's smallest gossip living with you.

It takes longer to remove the toys from the bath than it does to actually fill it with hot water so you just leave them in there, rubber ducky anyone?

You invest in a king-size bed because making room for him is easier than taking him back to his own bed over and over again.

AttillaTheMum Sun 27-Nov-11 21:53:55

when someone hands you change in a shop you say 'taaa'

AngelDog Sun 27-Nov-11 21:55:16

You argue with other adults as to whether road building machines are classed as planers or scrapers.

The most frequently used phrases in your house include 'derailment' and 'bridge collapse'.

Your nappy bag has 5 half-eaten apples at the bottom.

Every sentence starts with "No Darling, the dog doesn't..."


- want baby lotion rubbing on his back
- want baby Annabell's bottle in his mouth
- want his nappy changing
- want to be ridden around the living room
- want to be spoonfed your yoghurt - Oh actually yes he does! You just shouldn't be doing it!!!!


MrsKwazii Sun 27-Nov-11 22:04:41

You stop drinking as you just couldn't handle a hangover and looking after children the next day

You sniff bums for poo without batting an eyelid

You are capable of having a serious conversation about which CBeebies presenter is the sexiest (that would be Sid, obviously)

You cut up grapes to make sure that noone chokes - including your 42 year old sister blush

AKMD Sun 27-Nov-11 22:08:42

Yes to the smallest gossip.

'Mummy did a poo poo!' to packed church at the very quietest bit anyone?

josie81 Sun 27-Nov-11 22:12:26

You feel unbridled joy at the sight of a tractor in real life, even when it is blocking the road and making you late for an important meeting.

your Amazon recommendations indicate that you are some sort of train spotting, tractor obsessed weirdo.

SAHMlikeitHOT Sun 27-Nov-11 22:14:37

All you want for Christmas is a new series of Octonauts - if I have to feign hin any of the current set one more time, I'll be taken away to the funny farm in a Gup faster than a bunch of munchy crunchy carrots

KenDoddsDadsDog Sun 27-Nov-11 22:18:23

You are singing Elmo's song, complete with jazz hands at 6am on a Sunday.

NotJustClassic Sun 27-Nov-11 22:39:30

You can have a very serious conversation with another toddler-parent, interspersed with 'no darling, James had it first' etc, and neither of you feel like the other is not paying full enough attention.

mumofthreekids Sun 27-Nov-11 22:40:01

When looking for any important missing item (phone, wallet, keys etc), you know to check in the oven, microwave and bin.

scotlass Sun 27-Nov-11 22:51:30

You see other people laughing as you wander around a shop having a very serioous conversation with your 2.5 year old as to why he shouldn't be worried (new word of the day)

You're constantly biting your tongue to say nothing when visiting your friend with their gorgeous 6mth old pfb

Your parents buy you a hand eld hoover in sympathy after realising you have to hoover the couch / floor after every jacobs bloody cream cracker snack as they disintegrate and spread everywhere and DH got the hoover out in front of them 5 times lazy cow I am leaves it till DS goes to bed

BoffinMum Sun 27-Nov-11 23:03:17

When you push the supermarket trolley forwards as your toddler attempts to push it backwards from the other end yelling "You are smelly, Mummy, you are rubbish!" because it was November and you suggested wearing sunglasses at dusk might affect his vision negatively.

SlugsAndSnails Sun 27-Nov-11 23:11:38

Such phrases as 'no the cat doesn't want to eat marmite' and 'try using a spoon to eat yoghurt instead of a carrot' are so frequently used they seem normal.

The first place you look for things you swear you had 5 seconds ago is either the bin or the washing machine.

You wish you could either properly explain why or change the fact that the moon isn't out tonight rather than just saying that Granny's borrowed it grin

You always carry emergency raisins

Stephb88 Mon 28-Nov-11 02:41:35

You buy sticky, colourful dots for your kitchen in the hopes to resemble something nice and bright like Mr Tumbles spotty kitchen blush

Your home isn't a home anymore. It looks more like a daycare centre.

You drive in summer, windows down blarring "hotdog, hotdog, hot diggidy dog", singing along, dancing and aren't embarrassed.

You actually start to talk like a toddler yourself when speaking to family members. In texts you write "Dowee?" instead of "What are you doing?"

petalbud Mon 28-Nov-11 03:14:39

You can spot puddles, in the distance.
If you see wipes, you buy another pack, just in case.
Quiver at the sight of pens.

ProjectGainsborough Mon 28-Nov-11 05:40:50

You find yourself sucking the dirt off a dropped lolly to clean it... then realise that you are outside.

ShipsCat Mon 28-Nov-11 06:36:06

You have a conversation with said toddler about the poo- poo snake in the potty and agree that, yes, it does have eyes and yes, you can see them, because it's easier than arguing...

JanetPlanet Mon 28-Nov-11 08:14:03

You automatically put lighters/scissors/knives out of reach when you visit your non-parent friends

Angeldog they're not scrapers or planers, they're graders (to take up the surface) and pavers (to lay the new surface)!
Usborne "trucks, cranes and diggers" says so, so nergrin

pigleychez Mon 28-Nov-11 08:25:13

Your singing Nursery rhymes to the children sitting in the trolley whilst going round the supermarket. Only for an old work acquaintance to tap you on the shoulder to say Hello and tell you your 'such an earth mother' blush

You happily talk about bodily functions in public

microserf Mon 28-Nov-11 08:30:04

your entire morning routine on thursdays is based around the estimated arrival time of the rubbish truck. when it arrives, you shout "thank you for taking our rubbish" to the rubbish men blush.

you patiently explain that the local park is shut at 5am, 5:15am, 5:30am and 5:35am. also at 5:36am, 5:37am and 5:39am. finally, in desperation, you explain it is full of foxes eating rubbish at night and only opens for children later. you feel reasonably proud of yourself for this cunning wheeze until dd begins having recurring nightmares about foxes in her room. eating rubbish.

SirBoobAlot Mon 28-Nov-11 09:01:09

You are taken completely off gaurd if every comment you make is not immediately responded to with "Whhhhy". And are also slightly disappointed - you had an awesome reply ready.
You find yourself really hoping for Balamory this morning, because if you have to watch Cat in the goddamned fucking shitty had one more time...
You can speak fluent toddler, and regularly act as translator for less educated people.
You have given up protesting that your breasts belong to you, and have accepted they are, in fact, called "milk".
You pray for roadworks, cranes, tractors. And can draw them to toddler standards on demand.

mauwmauw Mon 28-Nov-11 09:03:21

you panic when out because you can't play small potatoes on your phone as you are not connected to wifi and when it does work you scream yay in the middle of the cafe! Then proceed to sing the theme tune extremely loudly and wonder why the hell people are staring at you.

you hear a strange scraping sound on the wooden floor and find a ten pound note being used to clean it.

your slippers are a storing place for everything including the water bottle grin

AngelDog Mon 28-Nov-11 09:12:52

inmysparetime, well our Dorling Kindersley truck book says that there are graders (for levelling the surface), scrapers (scraping up the old tarmac) and pavers (for putting down new tarmac) so ner to you too. grin

We've seen the scraper and paver working together, but my mother insists that the scraper is actually called a planer. Unfortunately when I asked the workmen the noise of the machinery drowned out the actual answer.

grin @ microserf

You start to believe that 'owie owie' is a genuine word in the English language and have virtually stopped saying 'hurt'.

Even when you have visitors in the house it rarely occurs to you that you could/should close the bathroom door whilst on the loo.

You can supply the whole of a conversation based on a monosyllabic utterance by your DC and determine with precision exactly which conversation is being referred to, despite the initial utterance sounding identical.


Uh-oh lie = commenting on an emergency vehicle without lights flashing

Uh-oh lie = discussion about a replacement skip not having any lights

Uh-oh lie = you're being reprimanded for having once sung the wrong words to a song about ambulances

Uh-oh lie = discussion about different types of car headlights/rear lights/brake lights.

TartyMcFarty Mon 28-Nov-11 09:16:30

I found myself blowing soap bubbles in the bath last night for my own amusement!

Antidote Mon 28-Nov-11 09:28:23

You and Dh find yourself playing peepo around the fridge when making supper, long after ds has gone to bed!

dawntigga Mon 28-Nov-11 09:32:48

You have to pick the breakfast cereal out of the shower before turning it on.


You automatically check your shoes before putting them on for lego and bits of manky banana or lost library cards.

MsBrian Mon 28-Nov-11 09:34:19

I'm doing about 80% of all that....
I'm keeping this thread <thinking of framing options>

PenguinArmy Mon 28-Nov-11 09:41:54

you get very annoyed that different playgroups don't have the same words to songs

you accept you have to narrate your toilet trip, even when guests are in the house.

yy to the running commentary of the baby, we get shouts of 'cry cry cry' when DS is err crying.

EasilyDistracted77 Mon 28-Nov-11 10:18:10

You start to wonder whether counting '1.....2......3' will also work on your colleagues when they are not listening to you properly, and you have had to repeat yourself for the 6th time.

You feel disappointed when you see a helicopter/massive crane/giant puddle and you realise that your toddler is not there to appreciate it; you get out your phone to take a picture of it to show them later.

Loving this thread, it has had me chuckling away!

EightiesChick Mon 28-Nov-11 10:34:02

Every other thing you say starts with 'Gently...'

Glad it's not just mine who is obsessed with rubbish trucks! Nice thread.

StrandedUnderTheMisltoe Mon 28-Nov-11 10:36:18

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

YY to Amazon recommendations making you look like a tractor obsessive!

Your most overused words are "gently" and "nicely".

You're totally unfazed by walking along saying "You're Kwazi in the Gup B? Come on then, Kwazi! Oh, now you're Bob, OK. Oh, now you're Scoop? Oh, you're the Gruffalo and Mummy's the mouse? Oh, now Mummy's the Gruffalo and you're the mouse, right!" etc etc, much to the amusement of passers by.

Oh, x-posted with EightiesChick

Also, there is always a selection of small, discarded, odd socks in any room in the house.

Any piece of paper left around long enough will be covered with enthusiastic scribble representing Cyril the Squirrel.

Mercedes519 Mon 28-Nov-11 10:54:56

What did I DO before baby wipes. I dropped sauce from my sandwich down my top at work the other day and automatically reached for a wipe. A tissue does not have the same cleaning power!

Slugs not too long ago I had a conversation with my DS about the fact that Penguins do like Cheerios but they don't like milk on them and Penguin would rather eat them dry. <<draws line - will pour a bowl for pengiun but will pour them back in the packet later when he isn't looking>>

I was verrrr convincing and it was only 6am hmm

geminigirl Mon 28-Nov-11 11:11:52

Sitting at the dinner table with one leg under the table and one poised sideways ready to get up to fetch dishcloth, spoon instead of fork, another bib, pick food up off the floor etc, etc... I always find myself sitting, poised to leave the table at any minute......

There are 3 drying cloths and two kitchen towels on the go 'cos the DCs are using any number of them to play 'ghosts' or wrap them round dolls, teddies etc...

Floggingmolly Mon 28-Nov-11 11:12:52

aWimbaWay. shock at the book prices! They can't all be typos on Amazon, I suppose, but you can get it on a buy-it-now on eBay for 99p!

geminigirl Mon 28-Nov-11 11:13:25

Oh, and the most overused phrase in this house??? 'Careful now.....'

BiscuitNibbler Mon 28-Nov-11 11:14:34

It is perfectly reasonable to stand on the pavement and watch a random stranger get their whole supermarket delivery, whilst your toddler does a running commentary on events. This was me just now. blush

geminigirl Mon 28-Nov-11 11:15:45

...along with 'did you flush the toilet and wash your hands?' While muttering under your breath ...'every f#@king time....I swear to God'...

You think nothing of leaving the toilet door open while you're using the loo. Infront of guests.

You actively take a walk to the local building site to look at the diggers.

In any unfamiliar environment you scope it first for escape routes/edible/lethal items

You refer to yourself at work as Mummy.

OliviaMumsnet (MNHQ) Mon 28-Nov-11 11:58:26


You feel unbridled joy at the sight of a tractor in real life, even when it is blocking the road and making you late for an important meeting.

Or indeed you feel heartcrushing disappointment when you see a digger, actually DIGGING and your toddler is NOT with you.

Pascha Mon 28-Nov-11 12:09:31

On the subject of diggers: Your Youtube favourites list is entirely populated with diggers and trucks and cranes at work for those emergency moments when the bottom lip wobbles and the eyes scrunch up...

Iggly Mon 28-Nov-11 12:34:42

So true Olivia!

I also cried (I'm pregnant) when we were on holiday and there was an emergency services demonstration at the beach (think helicopters, speed boats, the works). DH had taken DS down for a closer look as we couldn't get the pushchair over the pebbles plus I needed to sit down. I was bawling imagining the look of joy I was missing out on as I knew DS would be loving it blush

Iggly Mon 28-Nov-11 12:35:05

So true Olivia!

I also cried (I'm pregnant) when we were on holiday and there was an emergency services demonstration at the beach (think helicopters, speed boats, the works). DH had taken DS down for a closer look as we couldn't get the pushchair over the pebbles plus I needed to sit down. I was bawling imagining the look of joy I was missing out on as I knew DS would be loving it blush

chocablock Mon 28-Nov-11 12:37:39

This must be the funniest thread on MN am still laughing. Unfortunately I can't add to it (yet) as my dd still only 7 months - oh how I am looking forward to the toddler years! grin

FourThousandHoles Mon 28-Nov-11 12:44:03

you are constantly amazed by how someone so small can be so strong and so goddam fast

FleetwoodandFairycakes Mon 28-Nov-11 12:46:39

You find yourself doing a running commentary on every single thing you do all day (in the third person of course). eg. "Mummy's just going to go into the kitchen - okay you come too - yes Mummy needs to unload the dishwasher - yes you can help, yes Mummy's going for a wee wee, oh yes do come with me and help me with the loo roll" etc etc ALL DAY LONG (a bit like the wheels on the bus).

You find wee and poo in the potty the ultimate in excitement.

You very much look forward to bedtime, only to find yourself missing them about an hour later.

You sometimes think to yourself: "the days are long but the months/years are short". It does just fly by - mine is just 2 but it feels like moment since she way tiny!

FleetwoodandFairycakes Mon 28-Nov-11 12:49:12

Oh, and you complete a half an hour car journey (without toddler) and realise when someone else gets into the car that you have, in fact, been listening to the nursery rhyme CDs for the entire journey. And singing along to them.

geminigirl Mon 28-Nov-11 13:02:16

mrsKwazii...Yes to Sid.....but Mr Maker could come a close second....

smileitssunny Mon 28-Nov-11 13:10:03

yes to all of that. I'm having to wean myself off describing myself in the third person....
great thread thank you all!

SirBoobAlot Mon 28-Nov-11 13:23:35

You cheer each time an emergancy services veircal goes past - all the better if the lights and sirens are going - whilst totally accepting that everyone in the area now thinks you are a horrible, sadistic individual. But who cares - lights and sirens, man!

PeppermintPasty Mon 28-Nov-11 13:33:48

You cry "Oh! Sneezies!" in a loud and melodramatic way when anyone you know er, sneezes.

MyDingaling Mon 28-Nov-11 13:51:00

When your DH messages you at work to tell you that Mummy Rabbit is pregnant!

Ciske Mon 28-Nov-11 14:27:20

You open your notebook during a work meeting to reveal an endless number of Lau Lau drawings covering up your action points...

After taking a corner a bit fast whilst driving, causing dh to grab his seat and veer dangerously close to the windscreen as you brake, he exclaims loudly, without even thinking about appropriate language to use with dc in the car;

"blimey Michael O'Reilly".

You are really delighted to AT LAST have official permission from the Universe to sing loudly as you walk down the road. And it doesn't have to be "wheels on the bloody bus" - no kiddies just love pop songs.

YankNCock Mon 28-Nov-11 14:57:51

You are unconcerned that your 2yo is hiding in a locker in the swimming changing room with the door completely shut, because at least you know where he is and he's not escaped out into the lobby, necessitating you running out there after him in a towel blush

petalbud Mon 28-Nov-11 15:10:00

You find toothpaste all over your iphone because your toddler has decided to clean 'Talking Toms' teeth.

AKMD Mon 28-Nov-11 15:10:33

You no longer consider the andrex puppy to be cute.

ChocolateBiscuitCake Mon 28-Nov-11 15:15:50

You have snail trails of snot on your shoulder (and have given up caring!) and your groin area of your trousers have biscuit smears from when they come and 'hide' between your legs...

kmdwestyorks Mon 28-Nov-11 15:30:10

your road rage is necessarily reduced to "oh what a silly man!" follwing DD's too accurate imitation of the usual turn of phrase

you just can't cope with the Why's any more and are reduced to "Because i said so" Even though you faithfully promised never ever to utter those words

complex and detailed lies are constructed to cover up the fact that her favourite Dora the explorer dish was broken by Nana whilst of course maitining we must never tell lies

you can't have along hot soak in the tub because a) you like it too hot for toddler skin and b)toddler has eczema and doesn't respond well to lovely smelling grown up lotions and potions and you both know the toddler will need a bath very urgently the minute you sink into bath so it should a) be cool enough and b)smell like baby bath stuff. And none of this matters because just before toddler needs this urgent bath she will (very grown up like) use the toilet for the smelliest poo she can create.

Bicnod Mon 28-Nov-11 15:33:33

You spend 20 minutes in the freezing cold unable to complete the short walk home as there is a digger to be watched.

Repeat several times daily for the three months it took them to replace the gas pipes in our road last winter confused

twofalls Mon 28-Nov-11 15:43:33

you don't even notice the fact you have done the school run with snot covering most of your right shoulder.

you have been up since 5AM and yet nothing constructive has been acheived.

That was this morning's revelations

Ishtar2410 Mon 28-Nov-11 15:48:12

You have 'artwork' drawn in crayons on your walls

You answer the same question more times than you care to mention

Sleep is a dim and distant memory...

You check the toilet first before every time you use it for keys/bricks/toothbrushes/the bath plug

You have stopped calling DH by his name, even when DS isnt there he is daddy.

I also found myself playing "peepo" with DH last night grin

lisianthus Mon 28-Nov-11 16:12:25

You could cry in sleep-deprived desperation and at the same time think it is adorable when you are woken at 5am on a Saturday morning by a small voice 5cm from your ear joyously singing "Stop! In the name of love, before you bwake my heart..."

You are aware that it is in fact possible to have crumbs from carrot after cleaning a stack of carrot crumbs off the carpet after toddler has been eating carrot sticks.

The hole in the middle of speakers is an obvious place to keep duplo.

When you catch yourself addressing DH as Dadda, and your toddler isn't in the room.

I was sniggering so much at this I had to share it with the rest of the office!

You know when you have a toddler when ... tea is a medical necessity

Blue I need coffee, but he's asleep on my arm and has been such a miserable little boy today, I don't want to chance waking him by moving grin

befuzzled Mon 28-Nov-11 16:32:45

every apple in th efruit bowl has on etiny little bote out of it

pigleychez Mon 28-Nov-11 16:38:16

When you talk 'Toddler' in your sleep. DH sleeptalks and has been known to wake me by asking if I need a Wee wee. smile

these are brilliant & so true!!

when you don't mind being stuck behind a truck delivering a skip for 20 minutes on the way to ikea!

when you spend hours and hours recording your toddler singing incy wincy on your iphone!
"was da spidaaaa OUT!!!!"

teacoupons Mon 28-Nov-11 16:59:54

You sit down with a mug of coffee while their in nursery and find yourself engrossed in CBeebies that you left on.

zipzap Mon 28-Nov-11 17:21:55

Because you find yourself drawn back to this thread threads like this several times and still recognise everything the other posters say. And then find yourself wondering why it isn't in classics yet.

The longer you watch outnumbered on tv you realise it is not a funny comedy but an accurate documentary on the state of your life now and a warning as to what the future is set to hold.

MamaPizza Mon 28-Nov-11 17:22:17

You turn on the gas fire just to find a flame coming out and melted wax dripping down (darn you wax crayons!).

You cherish the moments you can have a poo in peace as they are a very rare occasion.

You are used to having a shower while a little person constantly pulls open the curtain and shouts 'peepo'.

Your DH farts and you shout out 'dada pom-pom, dada stinky stinky'.

FiniteIncantatem Mon 28-Nov-11 17:33:17

Your child-less friends get used to you taking their hand to cross the road. blush

Mama I got sick of the wet floor so now every time I have a shower said little person gets plonked in the "shallow end" with some toys grin

frenchisbest Mon 28-Nov-11 18:04:57

When you talk about doggy at your friend grown up dinner party.
When you forget what it like to go to the toilet on your own.
When you spend ages looking for your keys, bags, wallet and the content of your wallet.
And when you have to check all the rubbish bags before throwing them out...

Lisatheonewhoeatsdrytoast Mon 28-Nov-11 18:06:47

You know that quietness, means you're about to lose your head when you find out why toddler is quiet!!!! (drawing on wall, car roof etc with crayons!!)

You find yourself building mega bloks even when the toddler doesn't want to just because you find it fun blush

You spend hours of your life on amazon, looking for the disney little pigs and various lego duplo!!

You now hate shopping, as it's an embarrassing act with a 2yr old, especially when lying on the floor and repeating swear words he's heard somewhere?! confused

Or your driving you and DH to a night out, and DH suddenly asks why you've pressed the lock doors button on the car! blush

verysmellyeli Mon 28-Nov-11 18:34:36

When your male patients sit forward for you to listen to the back of their chest you say 'Good BOY'.

Bumpsadaisie Mon 28-Nov-11 18:38:59

You look back at pics of when they were 6 months, 12 months 18 months old and start crying because they were so sweet then and by contrast they have spent the whole of today saying "no", refusing to join in with any games/activities you try, chucking the food you have made for them all over the floor without even trying it and refusing to let you even read them a story at bedtime angry sad shock

To be fair to DD (2.6) she has got a really rotten cold, her voice is really hoarse, she cant sleep properly as she can't breathe and she has got a one month old baby brother who has turned her little world upside down ...

And breathe - tomorrow is another day and my sweet little girl will come back ... one day!

Dipdap Mon 28-Nov-11 18:45:38

Reading LO's favourite books for the umpteenth time sends you to sleep not your LO, even more worryingly if you can read the book without looking at the words... if anyone wants a personal rendition of Rainbow Rob?

I second that lost keys, phone etc are probably in LO's toy box.

Also to finding toys in the washing machine, usually staring out at you from a soapy abyss.

Reprimanding your LO before he/she has even done anything usually because its either been too long or the 'silence'.

You start to sound like your own mother.

Having to buy random loose fruit/veg from the supermarket because LO has taken a bite out of it. Feeling slightly red-faced when young probably childless cashier puts a cucumber with a bite out of it through with look that says, 'wtf?'.

I found a lovely clean potato in my washing machine the other day. And one in a cupboard. The child has a weird obsession with the bloody things!

And they often have bites out of them too!

Dipdap Mon 28-Nov-11 18:53:27

Haha Beyond

SkinnyMuffin Mon 28-Nov-11 18:57:41

You have long since given up trying to tidy all the toys away after bedtime and instead display some of them artistically on shelves where your glass and ceramic ornaments used to be.

KateMiddIeton Mon 28-Nov-11 19:14:40

Your dh brings you breakfast in bed. It is toast cut into squares.

You know way more about dinosaurs than you ever wanted to

MamaPizza Mon 28-Nov-11 20:07:22

Beyond, good trick, but wouldn't work at 6am in the morning. I got enough to do getting us out on time.

Andrewofgg Mon 28-Nov-11 20:18:30

DS is 26, youngest niece 19, so all this is a distant but happy memory.

But great-nephew is 10m so it's all happening again, and he'll be spoilt rotten in this department!

leftangle Mon 28-Nov-11 20:26:08

You think "because you're hungry mummy" is a reasonable answer to "why are you putting a toothbrush/pen/tombliboo down my cleavage?"
You know what a tombliboo is

AKMD Mon 28-Nov-11 20:52:08

pigley when DS was a newborn DH woke me up one night trying to burp me in his sleep. That was quite disturbing.

When most of your shopping bill consists of soft, out of season fruit.

When singing in public stops being embarrassing and instead turns into a daily occurrence.

CBear6 Mon 28-Nov-11 20:53:29

You have no choice but to self-censor your previously 'colourful' language.

You can't have a bath in peace even when you resort to having one at 11pm long after DS has gone to bed. DS, woken by the sounds of the water, walking in grinning and cheerily greeted me with "fuck" (which takes us back to the point above).

You realise the importance of putting stuff away and the scariness of silence.

In relation to the above point, you know how to wash a large quantity of talc out of very thick toddler hair.

You feel a sick sense of smug satisfaction when friends/family members with DC younger than yours enter the toddler phase. Control my child, eh? Bit of a handful, is he? Yours will never do that, will they? Welcome to toddler-armageddon, population: you.

NinthWave Mon 28-Nov-11 20:53:50

You stop being remotely embarrassed/amused by having to shout "DS WILL YOU PLEASE PUT YOUR WILLY AWAY" for the eight millionth time.

NinthWave Mon 28-Nov-11 20:55:54

LOL Dipdap

When DS1 was about 2 he took a massive bite out of a leek in Sainsburys. Checkout assistant found it hilarious - I didn't, he bloody stank of raw leek til we got home!

You realise as you are cooked dinner that you never had any lunch
yes, this is me today

* cooking dinner

bringmesunshine2009 Mon 28-Nov-11 21:05:48

You're slightly superior colleague asks you to get something from the printer. You shout: "SAY PLEEEEEASE!"

Nelleh Mon 28-Nov-11 21:12:38

Mine are big teenagers now - this made me laugh! The memories.........

vix206 Mon 28-Nov-11 21:15:23

You greet visitors with a shrill and singsongy 'Hiya!' and wave 'Bye Bye' when they leave. The waving and bye byeing lasts at least 3 minutes...

You have a superhuman sense of smell. I find myself constantly on guard for a dirty nappy, even when DS isn't around!

Going grocery shopping on your own is mega-exciting. Then you see other toddlers and babies in the supermarket and wish you had your DC with you.

You can't eat food slowly anymore, it is thrown down your neck as quickly as possible because you're so used to constant interruptions!

HobnobHeaven Mon 28-Nov-11 21:21:15

You find yourself sniggering in a business meeting when your boss (also the mother of a toddler) uses the expression "You have caused confusion and delay" in the style of the Fat Controller

bringmesunshine2009 Mon 28-Nov-11 21:33:09

*you are blush

saoirse86 Mon 28-Nov-11 21:33:30

You put off going to the supermarket until your dc is with you so you don't have to park in a normal space.

You get out a clutch bag for a night out and find a train ticket from 2007.

You sometimes realise you've just said something in a toddler voice; your mum friends don't even notice, your non-mum friends look at you like you've lost the plot.

Your friend asks if you want to go shopping tomorrow, you say "can't we go to tumble jungle instead?"

saoirse86 Mon 28-Nov-11 21:42:07

When your DP says "careful!" to someone on the tv. (just happened!)

ProcessYellowC Mon 28-Nov-11 21:50:56

You are comfortable announcing in a loud voice "I'm going for a wee-wee, does anyone else need to come with me for a wee-wee?"
Thankfully DH hasn't taken me up on it yet grin

PDog Mon 28-Nov-11 21:58:58

When the only time your LO will willingly sit on your knee for cuddle is when you are having a poo.

When you look forward to work as you will have a whole 8 hours of no-one repeating your every word over and over.

Fab thread grin

FiniteIncantatem Mon 28-Nov-11 22:00:33

I quite often do the "Er, what do you say?" or even "Please" very pointedly at adults that don't say please blush I figure that if my 4year old can mostly manage it, then adults should be able to!

FiniteIncantatem Mon 28-Nov-11 22:01:24

grin At PYC!

SAHMlikeitHOT Mon 28-Nov-11 22:05:49

When you are in a playground with a group of mums and you all slowly back away from a peculiar stain - then all lean in together to try to identify it, and breathe simultaneous sighs of relief as one says 'its OK - its only splattered play dough', and then carry on chatting, as if nothing has happened!

JollySergeantJackrum Mon 28-Nov-11 22:27:22

DS is only 7 months, so we're not at all of this yet.

However, my cousin is coming round on Thursday with her 4 year old, 23 month old and 7 month old. I'm now slightly worried about the whole thing and wondering whether to move our fig tree upstairs.

allagory Mon 28-Nov-11 22:30:56

You spent 20 minutes looking in the bushes. That was where he was pointing, after all. Another 10 minutes in the flower beds. Half an hour unscrewing the shed door and another 3/4 taking the lock to the locksmith. Half an hour later and the shed door's back on again. Finally sit down for a cup of tea. But no, he beckons you over and shows you the drawer where he was hiding the key all along..

Viewofthehills Mon 28-Nov-11 22:36:46

You go clothes shopping with your mum and gather up the folds of jumper ready just to "pop" over her head

pigleychez Mon 28-Nov-11 22:38:17

Jolly move anything precious upstairs! smile

lollystix Mon 28-Nov-11 22:50:13

You find yourself walking round the house singing 'fi-fi and the flowertots' out aloud.

montysma1 Tue 29-Nov-11 00:05:48

you are picking a third iphone out of the toilet.

RMPM Tue 29-Nov-11 06:08:16

When you meet a girlfriend for coffee and you spend your entire time discussing poo, vomit, tantrums and being told "i don't love you anymore and you are not my best friend!" Then you tell her how your toddler is learning the alphabet, well his version anyway, P is for poo poo, T is for toilet and W is for wee wee.....

melika Tue 29-Nov-11 09:06:35

A line of food gunk all around the house at a certain low level.

And... ten years down the line am still talking to the dog and anyone who will listen in toddler talk eg. I'm going for a wee wee in the toilet! saying words like crogramme instead of programme, garner instead of garden etc.

I haven't grown up have I? Kids roll there eyes at me but have a little secret smile too! smile

EasilyDistracted77 Tue 29-Nov-11 09:30:31

You find yourself walking towards the washing machine with an armful of washing, deliberately dropping the odd sock just so your little one can "help" by picking up anything that gets dropped.

FairyArmadillo Tue 29-Nov-11 09:56:29

When the child was a sweet little PFB baby sleeping in his pram as you wandered round town you secretly judged those mums shouting at badly behaved toddlers and think, "I'll raise my child to behave better. I won't get mad at my kid like that in public.'


Now when you see that you just smile with relief because at that point in time it isn't you with the little boy screaming on the shop floor. 10 minutes ago it WAS your little boy screaming on the shop floor......

Mine are hulking great teenagers too - all taller than me (the gits), and this thread has brought back some happy memories. Especially The Silence - because that doesn't mean that your toddler is happily engrossed with some toy or other, but that he is up to no good.

I remember having a long conversation with ds1 in the Chemist, about why I wasn't going to show him the abcess on my boob (the reason we were waiting for antibiotics) - in front of a fascinated crowd of shoppers who had materialised from nowhere.

Four4me Tue 29-Nov-11 10:32:29

When you dh doesn't bat an eye lid when he comes home to the small person sat eating at the table with two odd shoes on, on the wrong feet (banana feet) and a bike helmet on too!!

Four4me Tue 29-Nov-11 10:32:59


Four4me Tue 29-Nov-11 10:40:52

beyond are you me? My dd has an obsession with potatoes, they are everywhere, in wellies, the washer, on the stairs.
Also a few weeks ago as I proudly marched to playgroup with the double buggy having dropped ds2 at school, taken ds1 to an ent appt dropped him at school, given ds3 a breast feed and solids and got dd some lunch in time to attend said playgroup only to realise that I hadn't eaten all day!!!!!

anniemac Tue 29-Nov-11 11:39:11

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

-You say 'oh dear!' in an overly bright voice to a colleague who's just dropped her cutlery in the canteen. blush
-You are frequently moved to curse the designers of washing machines, ovens, dishwashers, etc who put all the controls at TODDLER HEIGHT!
-You consider visits to the houses of non-parents as just so many expensive ornaments/stereo equipment/crockery disasters waiting to happen and get completely stressed in consequence.
-You never expect to finish your own meals.

JaffaSnaffle Tue 29-Nov-11 14:49:12

When you find yourself saying surreal things and trying really hard not to crack out laughing, (today's example, 'no it is not newt time, it's nap time', whilst DD chants 'NEWT NEWT NEWT!').

When you find yourself wondering what you were so worried about in PFB days, when they could not even move, never mind attempt to turn on all the household appliances.

When you have condemned yourself as a Bad Mother because your DD has been shouting "damn, damn" at the breakfast table, which is followed by huge sense of relief a few days in when you realise they are shouting '^jam^!, jam!).

When you start wearing a wooly hat, just to encourage them to keep theirs on.

When you find yourself sneaking into their room once they are asleep to watch them when they are still for the only time in the day and falling in love with them again.

sportinguista Tue 29-Nov-11 15:37:36

Your DH rings you at work and says that the TV now has drawing on it in ink, which appears to not come off...

cue sinking feeling...

mammanetta Tue 29-Nov-11 16:48:12

talking about myself and DH in 3rd person to DD "Mamma needs a wee wee...Papa' is in the bathroom etc"

still cheering when DD accomplishes poo or wee in potty though it's several months since she has been trained

clearing up crockery/tidying mess at a table even if we're at restaurant

absentmindedly cutting up DH food on his plate the other night <groan>

TeaTowelQueen Tue 29-Nov-11 16:53:14

When you find yourself sneaking into their room once they are asleep to watch them when they are still for the only time in the day and falling in love with them again.

Jaffa you are so right smile

lilyrose123 Tue 29-Nov-11 17:02:05

your sky plus has peppa pig/ben and holly/mickey mouse club house/max and ruby/team ummizoomi series linked and have to scan down through them to find your adult programs
...or worse your toddler actually says they want their programmes on, and when you reply they are not on at the minute they quip back
"i mean the ones on the planner!"

ebay searches have changed from whatever you normally searched for to certain toys your toddler is obsessed with....snow white in my DD case, disney DVDs, certain types of toddler clothing, and could even appear on your favourite or saved searches!

Bumpsadaisie Tue 29-Nov-11 17:06:14

Oh yes! I love my daughter so much when she is asleep grin

5inthebed Tue 29-Nov-11 17:46:36

When you spy a 2p coin on the office floor (containing only adults) and shout manically across to the nearest person "Pick that up before someone puts that in their mouth"

When you get up half an hour early in the morning to leave time for the inevitable meltdown.
"I did it! I a Big Boy!"
"Yes, DS, you are."
"Yay! I drive car now!"
Followed by flying toys, writhing on floor etc as he is forced to accept that pooing in the toilet does not automatically result in the issuing of a driving licence.

When DS is playing with alphabet jigsaw and proudly telling you that c is for cat, d is for dog etc, then pauses for a while over "y" before triumphantly announcing, "Y is for yoyyipop!"

You are such a cruel mum, FranticBanana. Imagine not letting your todler drive the car - when he'd done a poo in the toilet too. For shame! wink

marge2 Tue 29-Nov-11 19:55:16

You tell your HORSE, "Look 'Neddy', an AEROPLANE". (Thankfully only my horse, not my workmates!)

vix206 Tue 29-Nov-11 20:02:51

Root canal treatment at the dentist constitutes a bit of 'me time'. Seriously. Happened to me today!!

PontyMython Tue 29-Nov-11 20:28:59

New one for today: you get to work and find a small squishy football in your bag hmm

FourThousandHoles Tue 29-Nov-11 20:44:47

PontyMython that reminds me - your colleague has a headache and asks if you have any painkillers and all you are able to find are three manky looking calpol sachets in the bottom of your handbag

OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere Tue 29-Nov-11 20:51:57

You get really good at working out verbal riddles.

It did take me a while to realise 'the Ballerina song' that DC4 was stropping to be played in the car was 'Valerie' by Amy Winehouse but I got there in the end.
I used to love that song.

mummeeee Tue 29-Nov-11 21:27:57

You're not sure you'll be able to keep your current job (extreme tiredness has rendered you practically unable to even remember the work speak you used to talk in meetings) but you think you might be able to get a job as a hostage negotiator. You can spend all morning talking someone out of their unreasonable demands without every getting to a full-on 'No' vs 'Yes' situation...well until about 5pm when all your patience has gone...

SardineQueen Tue 29-Nov-11 21:34:03

Oh god

At work I was walking along behind some VIPs down the corridor and they were going to slow.

I went "BEEP BEEP"


lollystix Tue 29-Nov-11 21:39:14

I remember pulling a triceratops out my bag at work when looking for a pen

fifitrixibell Tue 29-Nov-11 21:40:55

you find yourself spelling words out in Jolly Phonics even in adult company.

backintraining Tue 29-Nov-11 21:51:21

The name you have given your child is a name that you are actually sick of shouting saying 400 times a day.

Your hand is the recepticle for the half chewed mouthful he has decided he doesn't like anymore and will surely die if it remains in his mouth for a second longer.

You weep with relief when your mum friends, who also have toddlers, have that same "look" on their faces at various times of the day when it's the turn of their toddler to start world war three.

You begin to understand the sheer trauma of another toddler daring to look at a toy that your toddler was thinking about maybe playing with in the near future.

The naughty/time out step is the most used piece of "furniture".

By 5pm you are sitting in a corner, crying into a vodka and rocking (okay, maybe I made that one up but it's always a possibility at the moment....... I have a toddler and an 11wo!!)

A nice one to end with........ an impromptu dance move/giggle/cuddle can make your heart melt.

molepom Tue 29-Nov-11 21:54:26

"Or indeed you feel heartcrushing disappointment when you see a digger, actually DIGGING and your toddler is NOT with you."

I STILL feel like that now. He's 8.

You automatically grab the hand behind you in the market/supermarket to make sure you dont loose your child. Just to find you are pulling an old lady along behind you instead to the huge amusement of the old lady, your child and your DP.

You do this repeatedly on various occations.

lucysmam Tue 29-Nov-11 22:01:44

You put a zip up cardigan on your almost 2yo from behind before they realise you've done it, then ask them to turn around so you can fasten she does.....around and around, and around in circles with a huge grin on her face....before droping to her bum and frog hopping away giggling!

When you consider a lowlypop, bowl of cornflakes and ritz crackers an alright lunch for the above mentioned monster because she's fussy at lunchtime, but not any other time of day hmm

when you tell your almost 5yo there's a neenoo (fire engine) coming down the road & she looks at you in disbelief, reminding you the toddler who would find it fascinating is not with you

when you look forward to going up several times a night to turn around the monkey because she determined to sleep in bizzare positions & actually enjoy it because she gets al snuggly like when she was a baby

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius To be fair, we'd have been sitting in the car a very long time, waiting for his legs to grow long enough to reach the pedals. Might have been a bit late for work. grin

molepom Tue 29-Nov-11 22:11:33

Your work trousers, contain, money, bank card, keys, snot, used tissues, wet wipes, lego and a spoon.

You fear whenever people knock on the door due to the state of the house. You cry with relief at the realisation that other parents houses are just as bad as yours and you love them just that little bit more for it.

You argue with yourself for ages about spending £7.00 on mascara but will think nothing of spending twice that on a toy or dvd for them. Just because you know they will like it.

You find yourself apologising for everything.

When out on your own, you find yourself walking from one side of the pavement to the other in a drunk fashion because you havent got the pram to hold onto.

You grab your mates hand when you cross the road. If they have kids they will grab yours too without realising. When this happens, neither of you bat an eyelid.

DP walks in after a day at work and doesnt even comment on the state of the house but instead runs back out to grab a takeaway while yelling behind him, dont bother cooking, you've had a hard day- I bloody loved him for that.

The windows are screwed down at a certain point because the little bugger has figured out how to undo the lock to open them wide.

You can have 3 conversations at once about various topics, ranging from, peppa pig, star wars and electrical installation.

You google everything they asked about that day that same evening so when they ask that same question again the next day you can give them the answer instantly.

You have a vast knowlege in detail about almost everything but nothing in particular.

You panic when you are asked to go out on a night out with the girls despite being excited at the same time. You then go home at 11pm because you are tired, bored and miss the kids.

A fair point, FranticBanana - I absolve you of cruelty. grin

molepom Tue 29-Nov-11 22:22:14

You dont shout at your toddler, when you eventually find the really good drawing of daddy, on the side of the sofa done in a sharpie pen but instead take a picture and send it your mates, parents and inlaws and DP.

millie19 Tue 29-Nov-11 22:23:41

Microwaving your tea made mid morning about 8 times before you actually get to finish it.

Finding two big handfuls of conkers in your coat pocket that werecollected in the woods every walk, for the fairies to eat Mummy!

Handbag full of trains, cars, stickers books, half eaten cereal bars, really really heavy from various water bottles and just enough room for my purse but god forbid there's room for my makeup! No time for that!

You know where the nearest (clean) public toilet is wherever you go! Or have a travel potty in your car from bigger emergencies!

millie19 Tue 29-Nov-11 22:32:34

Oh and bedtime NEVER comes around quickly enough sometimes cos you are bored by the sound of your own voice failing in your negotiations with the best of the UNs negotiators.

And there never seems to be enough wine some nights.

molepom yours are hysterical! Totally know where you are coming from!

Well - coffee's my poison, millie, but I know what you are saying about microwaving your drink so many times. Luckily I don't mind cold coffee.

AKMD Tue 29-Nov-11 22:46:28

Edit on the fruit: Half your food budget is spent on fresh, out of season soft fruit but a piece of fruit has actually not passed your lips for over a year.

"No, mummy, it's MINE!" is a perfectly reasonable argument.

molepom Tue 29-Nov-11 22:49:22

The UN and Police Negociators have NOTHING on your skills for resolving conflicts and you wonder how on earth these people got those jobs.

You leave the house with the kids looking immaculate but you remember at the school gate you havent even brushed your own hair and have just thrown it up in a quick ponytail..again.

The first day of school and nursery and you sit on the sofa panicking, clucking and feeling generally lost - this lasts for about a week.

You think nothing of finding your kids in YOUR pj's, in YOUR bed dribbling on YOUR pillows and have made the transfer of said children into their own beds without waking them into an art worthy of an olympic medal.

You wake up and find they have put water wings on you while you were asleep.

Your elderly neighbours are deaf but can hear your kids through the walls and laugh about it with you on a daily basis....and you still apologise.

The same elderly neighbours are used to the sight of your naked 3 year old standing on the window sill waving to the people at the bus stop opposite.

EVERYTHING and I mean EVERYTHING can be solved with calpol, headaches, scuffed knees, viruses, colds, world wars..

They can remember everything you have promised them since the moment they were conceived but never remember to brush their teeth or go to the loo before bed.

You consider running away from home for the first time since you were a child yourself but decide against it as you cant be bothered.

You go to work for a BREAK.

You do a full days work before you leave the house for work and then manage to nod sympathetically to the bint moaning that she was late again because she couldnt find her tweezers/hair straightners.

MsBrian Wed 30-Nov-11 11:39:23

<strokes mole on the head> 'Morning, here's a brew for you

...They can remember everything you have promised them since the moment they were conceived but never remember to brush their teeth or go to the loo before bed.... Ohhhh yes to this one, molepom - it applies to teenagers too, only in my case, it's putting a new loo roll on the bloody loo roll holder when you use up the last of the fecking loo roll, that mine can't sodding remember. This winds me up a bit - did you guess?

Frostyfoxy Wed 30-Nov-11 14:13:27

You leave the soft play place more worn out than the child as you've been running round looking for them whilst they sit still in a corner hiding and watching you!

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