Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!!!!!!!!! I have LITERALLY twatted a spider to death

(245 Posts)
Honeydragon Fri 18-Nov-11 17:45:12

I have just been to the loo, had a wee and saw something rather large and dark on the loo paper. Looked and it was a spider, a squished, slightly warm very dead spider.

I have suffocated a spider with my fanjo. Worse I have had a spider residing in my pants and not known.

I couldn't even scream as the entire family are asleep in various parts of the house with the vomity fluy thing.

<sits in corner rocking>

<pats Honey on the shoulder, whilst offering a medicinal wine>

MissPenteuth Fri 18-Nov-11 17:49:01

Could the spider have been on the toilet roll, rather than in your pants? Even so.. <shudders>

SarahStratton Fri 18-Nov-11 17:49:16

Christ. shock

You need [brandy] for that. wine just isn't going to cut it.


Sorry, that's all I have to add.


SarahStratton Fri 18-Nov-11 17:49:54

Also what TooMany said. Even though I nearly ate one last week.

ShockinHolyTempers Fri 18-Nov-11 17:50:19
Honeydragon Fri 18-Nov-11 17:51:27

No, I already had the paper in my hand iyswim?

Actually that would be worse, it would mean I'd smeared myself with spider <boak>

SuePurblybiltbyElves Fri 18-Nov-11 17:54:11

Have you counted all the legs on the corpse?

DressingGownQueen Fri 18-Nov-11 17:54:38

Nooooooooooo! That is truly awful, and I say that as someone who does not mind spiders.

Also, hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

AhCheeses Fri 18-Nov-11 17:55:24

Oh Dragon... I've just nearly laughed this baby out! grin
Thank you... if you could elaborate and make me laugh some more I could actually have this baby some time this year!

Was it one of those giant mutant spiders? The ones that come armed!?

SarahStratton Fri 18-Nov-11 17:55:42

That gave me the lulz SueP grin

SuePurblybiltbyElves Fri 18-Nov-11 17:56:46

Well, quite. Imagine feeling a tickle later on...

CotherMuckingFunt Fri 18-Nov-11 17:57:39

<wonders off to check pants>

Honeydragon Fri 18-Nov-11 17:58:14

Sue you total fucker, I have just ran upstairs and nearly broke my spine trying to contort myself to look for errant spider legs!!!!!!!!!

I don't mind spiders....till they choose to die in my chuff

ohgodohgodohgod there isn't enough brain bleach in the world for this.

SuePurblybiltbyElves Fri 18-Nov-11 17:59:26


Have you popped a conker up there now, to be on the safe side?

CotherMuckingFunt Fri 18-Nov-11 18:01:16

grin Sue grin

Honeydragon Fri 18-Nov-11 18:02:01


Spikes on or off?

Growlithe Fri 18-Nov-11 18:02:06

This is a horror film waiting to be made, surely

SuePurblybiltbyElves Fri 18-Nov-11 18:02:40

Off. The shells have no power and are prickly.

GreenEyesandNiceHam Fri 18-Nov-11 18:04:01

One word.


Honeydragon Fri 18-Nov-11 18:04:28

You do know the conker thing is a lie don't you?

I'm all itchy and can't stop clenching.

Honeydragon Fri 18-Nov-11 18:05:37


one word


HerdOfTinyElephants Fri 18-Nov-11 18:05:45

This is the best thread title EVER.

GreenEyesandNiceHam Fri 18-Nov-11 18:06:40

Did the cobwebs not give you a clue?


SuePurblybiltbyElves Fri 18-Nov-11 18:06:47

YY. What if Squished Charlotte left her egg sac behind? Lots of little spiderlings, making a run for the light. Some may not make it. Some may go north confusedand no good can come of that.

Honeydragon Fri 18-Nov-11 18:07:14

I don't want spider babies!

Honeydragon Fri 18-Nov-11 18:07:50

oh god what if they pour out my eyeballs?

SuePurblybiltbyElves Fri 18-Nov-11 18:11:37

nooooo, that would never happen.

ears <nods>

SecretNutellaFix Fri 18-Nov-11 18:15:07

Oh dear Honey- you are having a bad day aren't you?

<manly pat on shoulder>

Honeydragon Fri 18-Nov-11 18:15:19


You truely are an example of why Mumsnet is simply the best place to go for help in your hour of need.

Surely if my lady bits killed Mum they'd kill the babies. It was a quite large one does that make it a boy <hopeful>

thunderboltsandlightning Fri 18-Nov-11 18:15:21

LOL that the thread title demonstrates the correct usage of literally.

SuePurblybiltbyElves Fri 18-Nov-11 18:16:01

Silly, girls are always bigger. Think Black Widow.

<polished Happy to Help badge>

MartyrStewart Fri 18-Nov-11 18:17:49

Girls are always bigger.

Brings a whole new meaning to 'checking for spiderlegs' grin

Incey mingey spider climbed up the muff
Down came the wee and washed the spider off


Honeydragon Fri 18-Nov-11 18:19:47

<sticks badge where the sun shineth not>

Nutty, after 24 hours of being vomited on my various family members you'd think the Arachnids of the house would choose another fanjo to perish in hmm

MartyrStewart Fri 18-Nov-11 18:21:03

Little Miss Muff
Was wiping her Chuff
With a sheet of Velvet
A giant great spider
Was nesting inside her
So she screamed and tried to kill it.


Psammead Fri 18-Nov-11 18:21:39

Oh, I clicked on this in a fury, all ready to point out that you did, in no way literally twat a spider to death.

I stand corrected grin

My deepest sympathies.


Psammead Fri 18-Nov-11 18:22:36

Crying at the poetry grin

Fiderer Fri 18-Nov-11 18:23:11

You do realise there are scores of MNers now crossing their legs and refusing liquids.

Tomorrow's "Happy To Help" advice - UTIs. Sales of cranberry juice go stratospheric.

Ariesgirl Fri 18-Nov-11 18:23:29

Oh my good God <turns pale>

SuePurblybiltbyElves Fri 18-Nov-11 18:23:29

How's your pelvic floor? If you've been keeping up with the exercises, you should be able to expel any lingerers.

echt Fri 18-Nov-11 18:23:55

Was about to roll up my pedants' sleeves and go on about how people who say "literally" invariably go on to describe something figuratively.


Just be glad you don't live here in Australia, that's all I can say.grin

Best thread title, after the one about the woman who told her husband his cock was small and now he wants a divorce.

echt Fri 18-Nov-11 18:24:36

Blast you, Psammead. You got there first.

Psammead Fri 18-Nov-11 18:25:07

It is fitting that the eulogy of the spider should take place on the web.

Honeydragon Fri 18-Nov-11 18:25:08

Oh great not only have I potentially got spiderbabies, I've got a thread title that is attractive to Pedants

<necks wine>

<am appreciating poetry, glad to see my trauma brings out all the artistes >

You could be a new MN superhero - Spiderfan!

Psammead Fri 18-Nov-11 18:28:03

I'm not a pedant! I'm just ped-curious.

I wonder how long it's been there? And was in it your knicks when you put them on this morning?

Spiderfans arch enemy - Dr Mooncup

Honeydragon Fri 18-Nov-11 18:30:11

Psammead I am trying very hard not to consider that question

Fiderer Good point if it happened to me it could happen to ANY Mnetter

Honeydragon Fri 18-Nov-11 18:31:10

Dame I am wearing DrMooncup now, clearly DrMooncup is fucking useless grin

GreenEyesandNiceHam Fri 18-Nov-11 18:32:18

Little Miss Honey
Sat on the dunny
Enjoying her afternoon pee
On the tissue to wipe her
She saw a dead spider
And wailed 'oh why the fuck me'

BananaChoc Fri 18-Nov-11 18:32:31

Please see my profile. There was an article in the paper recently. You may have given birth to a spider.

Honey at least it stopped it climbing too far - maybe it has a rubber allergy and that's what killed it....

Psammead Fri 18-Nov-11 18:33:22

Or was it, you know, inside a while? Scuttling and so forth?

SuePurblybiltbyElves Fri 18-Nov-11 18:35:31

Spider baby. Body of a baby - mind of a spider grin

Did you hear the pitter-patter-pitter-patter-pitter-patter-pitter-patter of tiny feet at all?

FreakoidOrganisoid Fri 18-Nov-11 18:36:46

Oh dear god. You do know they come in pairs...

Fiderer Fri 18-Nov-11 18:37:45


Honeydragon Fri 18-Nov-11 18:43:17

<still sniggering at ped-curios>

<remains clenched>

spiderlight Fri 18-Nov-11 18:56:54

I am going to have nightmares for WEEKS! <shudder>

SkinnyMuffin Fri 18-Nov-11 19:02:16

Holy Shit shock

Are you absolutely definitely positive honey?

Could it not have been a clump of pubes or something??

<<clutching at straws>>

AhCheeses Fri 18-Nov-11 19:21:10

Just the funniest thing I've read all day! Really cheered me up!

(gave my pjs a thorough shake before putting them on just now...) <shudders>

SarahStratton Fri 18-Nov-11 19:25:15

Did it have boxing gloves on? Boy spiders wear boxing gloves according to DD1

Honeydragon Fri 18-Nov-11 20:05:09

it was definitely a spider it had eight eyeballs and eight hobnailed boots and had been wedged in my fanj for a as yet unconfirmed time period.

I have had a bath and am happy to report no spider legs or babies surfaced.

but did you check thoroughly?

oh god this is the funniest thing I have read in a long time. And I also openes the thread because I wanted to see how anyone could possibly LITERALLY twat a spider to death...

HopeEternal Fri 18-Nov-11 20:13:56

Honeydragon you will never know how much I needed a bit of light relief today. Thank you.

I do hope the bath was enough...

<chortles emoticon>

Honeydragon - This is the worst thing that has ever happened to anyone anywhere ever. shock shock shock shock shock shock

This is worse than the half naked running hobnob lady and has replaced that to become my new biggest-fear-that-isn't-likely-to-happen-to-me-but-still-scares-the-bejesus-out-of-me-just-in-case-it-does.

How is it possible that you are not still in the shower, screaming with horror and drinking a large amount of gin to help you forget?

shock shock shock shock shock shock

Stropzilla Fri 18-Nov-11 20:17:42

OMG that's horrible, you poor thing. I remember when I rolled over in bed and squished a spider with my naked shoulder. Didn't find out til morning and caught sight of it in the mirror. Didn't scream, but did move the bedroom around and haven't slept next to an open window since!

tigerdriverII Fri 18-Nov-11 20:22:02

Can't get past Sue's conker comment, am crying with laughter and only came on the thread to tut at your use of "literally" (a bug bear of mine, although I think you have more of a bug bear, literally) or is that bug beaver?

Honeydragon Fri 18-Nov-11 20:29:44

I think the bath helped

I am wearing my tightest knickers now though and may possibly seal the edges with glue


Fiderer Fri 18-Nov-11 20:33:58

<passes duct tape>
<bloomers with extra-strong elastic>
<sleeping bag with reinforced zip>
<hermetically-sealed flotation tank, emptied of water and filled with gin>

Oh god, I can't breathe.. this is THE funniest thing I have ever read. FACT.

BUT - I will now forever check the entire bathroom for the Fucking Bastard Arachnids every time I wee.

Maybe the spider was dwelling in the crapper and came up to bite meet you?

thousandDenier Fri 18-Nov-11 20:45:17

this makes me feel better about the spider that got squashed by my baps.

It clearly thought it had found a delightful haven in my brassiere but ended up looking like it had been steamrollered.

groak Fri 18-Nov-11 20:47:39

Dh has just read this and asked:

Was it a funnel spider?

Was it after the flies?


HopeEternal Fri 18-Nov-11 20:48:01

Would anyone like to hear about the frog I found on the rim of my loo one day?

So little miss muffit
Taped up her gusset
( a good idea)

SkinnyMuffin Fri 18-Nov-11 20:54:03

I would just go with sleeping in a full wetsuit if I were you... <<shudder>>

HopeEternal - I want to hear about it.

KatieMiddIeton Fri 18-Nov-11 20:55:06

Has it erm, been a while HD? I am rofling at your Miss Haversham chuff.

LeBOF Fri 18-Nov-11 20:59:40

You should have signed up to a casual sex website to blow away the cobwebs, and this never would have happened.

AtYourCervix Fri 18-Nov-11 21:00:02

um. maybe it was a chap spider.

who has now impregnated you

and in 9 months you will feel the urge to create a nest and lay about 40, 000 eggs which will then hatch out into 40,000 babies who you will have to try to breastfeed and imagine the nappies and pottytraining and imagine having that many mutant huma/spider hybrid teenagers?

oh i can't wait for those threads.

PootlePosyPumpkin Fri 18-Nov-11 21:04:45

Maybe the spider you, urm, "encountered" was a baby. Maybe mummy is still inside nurturing the other babies. Sorry, very unhelpful but just had to be said grin.

SarahStratton Fri 18-Nov-11 21:07:50

Funnel spider <massive snort>

Honeydragon Fri 18-Nov-11 21:08:05


Point 1) You can deliver them all

Point 2) Don't you get spiders in barns? grin

Point 3) Clenches

AtYourCervix Fri 18-Nov-11 21:09:38

or maybe it was a baby and you squashed it like a panda.

but never mind because over the course of tonight you will birth another 30.999 of them

MartyrStewart Fri 18-Nov-11 21:10:19

There is a piglet in tears about to go to the slaughter thanks to your fanjo.

'No-one was with her, when she died'. sad


Honeydragon Fri 18-Nov-11 21:11:10

I do not have the spider Waltons living up my chuff!!!!!


<hears tiny voices>

g'night ma

g'night john boy

<oh fuck>

gigglepin Fri 18-Nov-11 21:18:42

ok, just sent dh upstairs to check each roll of loo roll in the bathroom, i shall be checking my knicker draw later....

So to clarify, do you think, possibly, that you have been harbouring said fugitive spider throughout the day have been having conversations with folk, and doing stuff with a family of spiders clinging to your undercarriage?

FriggsFlyingFalconFeathers Fri 18-Nov-11 21:19:14

oh god Honey that is my worst nightmare.


rushofbloodtothefeet Fri 18-Nov-11 21:22:27

This is the image I have in my head shock

I never should have looked at this thread. Not only am I so tightly clenched now that I'm unlikely to ever have sex again but I'm also embarassed over the number of times I've used 'literally' inappropriately.

Good job I bought the Christmas cake brandy tonight.

Honeydragon Fri 18-Nov-11 21:33:38


I have an entire sick family whom I have been running around after it has been a long time between wees, it was there a while

Arrgh why did I open that link <reclenches tighter>

Tee2072 Fri 18-Nov-11 21:35:04

Oh I so needed this laugh, thanks girls.



rushofbloodtothefeet Fri 18-Nov-11 21:40:52

Are you sure you put the right pants on this morning?

LOLSpiders? LOLSpiders? Who in the hell thought up LOLSpiders? There's nothing LOL about spiders.

IKKSpiders, yes. AAAAAAAHHHSpiders, yes. OhMyGodSomebodyKillItNow with their foof Spiders yes. LOLSpiders, big fat NO.

Honeydragon Fri 18-Nov-11 21:55:09

Good old Mumsnet eh...

one womans torment is anothers comedy gold grin

Caz10 Fri 18-Nov-11 21:58:44

My phone takes ages to load threads, so here I was composing snotty replies in my head re correct use of literally... am cowering under the covers clenching....serves me right!

dearprudence Fri 18-Nov-11 22:08:44

I am literally horrified by this event. grin

And surely this is quote of the week, from Honeydragon:

"I don't mind spiders....till they choose to die in my chuff"

SausageSmuggler Fri 18-Nov-11 22:17:24

Oh this thread has had me crying with laughter (literally) wink

GreenEyesandNiceHam Fri 18-Nov-11 22:19:05

Freaky! Just seen a spider in kitchen

Honeydragon would you come and sit on it for me?


Honeydragon Fri 18-Nov-11 22:25:35

I am not rentafoof!

PieceOfTheMoon Fri 18-Nov-11 22:26:32

I found a spider in my pubes once. Was just about to get in the bath and felt something tickle...reached down and there he/she was. It scuttled off fairly happily, so I can only conclude that my fanjo is a reasonably habital environment.

<realises that may not be a good thing>
<wonders why she chose this topic to de-lurk>

hiddenhome Fri 18-Nov-11 22:29:15

I once found a woodlouse up my nightie. It fell out when I got out of bed confused

These insects must be perverts!!!

SaggyoldCHRISTMASHUMBUGcatpuss Fri 18-Nov-11 22:34:26

Maybe it was an adventure junkie spider, and had gone in there to do a bit of spelunking! We all know what happens to cavers, when there is an unexpected flood!

DigOfTheStump Fri 18-Nov-11 22:43:15

Love the green eggs poem ... And all the thread. Agree the quote should be quote of the week.

DigOfTheStump Fri 18-Nov-11 22:44:51

Was it a spider
Sat down beside her
Perched on the rim of the loo?
Or was it a nicker dweller
An ingenious young feller
Scaring the chuff out of you?

Honeydragon Fri 18-Nov-11 22:46:26


If that is your first ever Mnet post, can I say welcome and for gods sake keep posting. That was hilarious grin

It scuttled off fairly happily, so I can only conclude that my fanjo is a reasonably habital environment. ROFL

peeriebear Fri 18-Nov-11 22:49:12

I nearly gave a spider death by fanjo a couple of weeks ago, it was sitting on the loose end of the loo paper and I saw it in the nick of time just before it met a sticky end. Lucky beggar.

You fucking bastard, I'm scared as a mouse
I don’t need your web or your shite in my house
Please do fuck off now, I’m trying to be nice
If you don’t I will kill you will fire and with ice.

gah, i used to be good at poetry hmm that was SHITE

rushofbloodtothefeet Fri 18-Nov-11 22:53:50

Makes you wonder how many spiders have died in name of non-drippy foofs the world over ...

GreenEyesandNiceHam Fri 18-Nov-11 22:53:57

Maybe we all have spiders (or woodlice) down there?

They just hide really well, until old, tired and about to die.

<twilight zone music>

GreenEyesandNiceHam Fri 18-Nov-11 22:55:03

All the poems on this thread have been particularly good I think

rushofbloodtothefeet Fri 18-Nov-11 22:55:34

"hide really well" grin

<goes off to look with a fine-tooth comb and a bright light>

spiders do...
fuck off.

(see. better?)

DigOfTheStump Fri 18-Nov-11 22:57:36

Oh, a spider haiku

No, that was very
crap. A proper spider one

would be much better

PLEASE tell me someone has nominated this for Classics?

rushofbloodtothefeet Fri 18-Nov-11 23:01:30

"Cunting spiders" ROFL

I've always worn pants
to cover my nethers in
case spiders get in.

DigOfTheStump Fri 18-Nov-11 23:03:14

Jareth is on a roll

My fluff will wither
with introduction of the
fucking arachnids

Argh Argh Argh Argh Argh
Argh Argh Argh Argh Argh Argh Argh
Argh Argh Argh Argh Argh

Honeydragon Fri 18-Nov-11 23:04:33

Last ones brilliant

although I don't like the idea of a withered fluff

DigOfTheStump Fri 18-Nov-11 23:05:33

What with the cobwebs
Spiders will be very much at home
In me. Sadly.

It was meant to be FOOF.

(brain melting)

Oh, I've had a show
I'm due on the twenty-first
It's fucking SPIDERS!

Fucking spiders, cock
off. Don't come back until you
invent timemachines

Jareth = has gone batshit.

susiedaisy Fri 18-Nov-11 23:13:59

Fucks sake! now I'm not going sleep at all, how the hell did it get in your pants?

PieceOfTheMoon Fri 18-Nov-11 23:14:06

Thanks Honeydragon grin. Unfortunately I think this is the only interesting / amusing thing that has ever happened to me. I was on a course with work a few weeks ago and had to do the classic 'say something interesting about yourself' icebreaker. This was the only thing I could think of. (Thankfully I was saved by a miraculously timed fire alarm.)


Thank you honey dragon to you and your spider-nurturing chuff.
Thank you
I am crying

POTM welcome.
Come in, pull up a pombear, adjust your moon cup, you are going to fit right in!

FriggsFlyingFalconFeathers Fri 18-Nov-11 23:22:11


<checks knickers>


Honeydragon Fri 18-Nov-11 23:23:18

<Doesn't point out to Frigg that it may already be up there>

MunchingNoPickles Fri 18-Nov-11 23:23:44

Good grief Honey

This is why I wear
pants in bed, lest arachnids
set up camp in chuff

droves Fri 18-Nov-11 23:27:37


WTF ? , no really WTf ?

Never heard of fanny loving spiders before .

Are you sure it's not a mutant crab ? I'd slap some derbac on just in case (well it's an insecticide , it would kill off any leftover spiders ).

Better to make sure mr spider didn't bring along a friend for a threesome !

SugarAndSpiceMistletoeAndWine Fri 18-Nov-11 23:29:40

Clicked onto thread and pc shut down - why didn't I pay heed to its kindly warning??? grin
Honeydragon you have my sympathies. I have actually just got out of bed and gone to check bathroom and my fanjo.
<note to self - keep nit comb in bathroom/on person at all times>

SugarAndSpiceMistletoeAndWine Fri 18-Nov-11 23:30:05

Hang on - that sounds like I have a removable fanny!

droves Fri 18-Nov-11 23:30:14

> smile <

It's mention to be a spider (fail )

droves Fri 18-Nov-11 23:31:43

MNHQ we need a spider emoticon .


Honeydragon Fri 18-Nov-11 23:34:41

shock Mutant Crab

If that was a chemically altered Muff Crab than I need to change toilet cleaners!

And for the sake of my reputation my foof is regularly used for recreational pleasure and is not some random webby spider den, nor do I have mutant lice/crabs or tiny eight legged aliens.

Twas a bastard spider.

DigOfTheStump Fri 18-Nov-11 23:34:51

|| ||
|| ||

DigOfTheStump Fri 18-Nov-11 23:35:23

That's not a spider

PieceOfTheMoon Fri 18-Nov-11 23:35:44

Thanks for the welcome Norks smile.

Crying with laughter at this thread.

Going to bed now, double pants, both pairs thoroughly checked for creepies

DigOfTheStump Fri 18-Nov-11 23:36:10



SugarAndSpiceMistletoeAndWine Fri 18-Nov-11 23:39:43

_ _
_* *_
_* *_

SugarAndSpiceMistletoeAndWine Fri 18-Nov-11 23:39:57

Bollocks, it moved!

SaggyoldCHRISTMASHUMBUGcatpuss Fri 18-Nov-11 23:41:04

Maybe this is the real reason for the current fashion for bald fannies?! It's actually to prevent a host of fauna lurking in the bush es!

SaggyoldCHRISTMASHUMBUGcatpuss Fri 18-Nov-11 23:44:10

Anyway, I dunno about spiders, there could be a tribe of pygmys living in mine, it's roomy enough!

droves Fri 18-Nov-11 23:44:36

Maybe it's just a new species of spider ?

Can someone call David Attenburgh and let him know ...honey you could be famous as the discoverer of the muff spider .

droves Fri 18-Nov-11 23:46:55

Saggy I think your on to something there .

Suppose vajassles were invented to scare the critters away ?


Honeydragon Fri 18-Nov-11 23:49:44

Either that or they act as mirrorballs and the only benefit of defuzzing as catching the little buggers quicker as they vogue on your vulva?

droves Sat 19-Nov-11 00:03:47

Vogue on your vulva ?

Are spiders having a in your pants ? ... Get some spanks , the little critters will never be able to march up that amount of Lycra .

FloydieDoydie Sat 19-Nov-11 00:11:57

Oh sweet baby jeyzoo that is HORRIFIC!!!

Am glad I shaved my fanjo by mistake last week now <scratches regrowth>

CardyMow Sat 19-Nov-11 00:12:48

Aaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrgggghhhhhhhhh. <<Checks chuff>>. Nope, arachnid free. Fuuuuuuuuuuuuucccccccckckkkkkkkk. I am NEVER going to sleep again. Fanjo spiders. This is worse than when DD had one in her knickers that she was putting on and only found out when she had pulled them past her knees. I am assuming your fanjo spider was related to the one trying to climb up hers! I thought it was a once ever thing to find one in her knicks - obviously fucking not.


<<Cross stitches fanjo to prevent squatting spiders>>

Mumcentreplus Sat 19-Nov-11 00:21:25

Oh dear...lamoooooo

Mumcentreplus Sat 19-Nov-11 00:22:28

you know spiders prefer a shaved fanjo...<cackles>

blackeyedsusan Sat 19-Nov-11 00:40:50

if there is one up there now, it is about to get drowned, all this laughing. and now I am too frightened to go!

<contemplates weeing in childrens potty to avoid the bathroom>

droves Sat 19-Nov-11 00:44:38

Nearest I got to a muff spider was when dh picked up his jeans from the floor (casually dumped there pre quickie) ,and inserted a leg in.
I swear he jumped about 6 feet and used every swear word known to man without drawing breath ...was something like fuckityjesusbastardincuntingcockbollocks .

Guess what crawled out the leg of his jeans ?

A tiny spider . Must have been 1 cm at most .


FloydieDoydie Sat 19-Nov-11 00:46:47

aghhhhh mumscenter! What can I do?

<frantically considers glueing false eyelashes on to minge to form a rudimentary merkin>

giraffesCantDookForApples Sat 19-Nov-11 01:11:25

do you have a copy of aliens love underpants go your house? If you do then bin it, its clearly giving the spiders ideas!

Honeydragon Sat 19-Nov-11 10:08:49


I've killed a sentient being with my foof???? <feels guilty>

<still clenched>

rushofbloodtothefeet Sat 19-Nov-11 10:10:16

Floydie I have to ask - how did you shave your fanjo by mistake <boggles>

Honeydragon Sat 19-Nov-11 10:29:51

Yes good point
how does one shave ones fanjo in error

at least when I did mine and regretted it, it was because Getorf made me I meant to.

FloydieDoydie Sat 19-Nov-11 11:18:27

I went to trim it (after DP was taking the piss out of me saying it was a grufflo) and forgot to put the comb attachment on....

<bzzzzzzzz> ...... oh SHIT! Bald wonky line down the centre. So had to do the rest to make it look less mental blush

Honeydragon Sat 19-Nov-11 11:51:18

grin grin grin grin grin I'm not laughing at you much grin grin grin grin

gringringringringrin I am...

susiedaisy Sat 19-Nov-11 15:33:55

I thought that, I've been trying to imagine how the razor may of run out of control and shot up your leg mowing down everything in it's pathgrin

wrigglerstea Sat 19-Nov-11 16:00:14

I am so cross. Didn't feel very well yesterday evening and was MNing to take my mind off it and my stupid pedant alarm meant that meant that I kept skipping over this thread because of the title.

Return today feeling slightly better and thought "I wonder if she did actually" and you did. And I could have spent the evening pissing myself at your expense while DH snored on the sofa.

(instead of spending the evening throwing every toddler toy I could reach at him instead)

nursenic Sat 19-Nov-11 16:08:49

Hope it's not like Charlotte and leaves three of its babies behind to keep you company......

TooImmature2BDumbledore Sat 19-Nov-11 16:23:29

<weeps with laughter>

I love this thread. Honey, have you unclenched yet?

Honeydragon Sat 19-Nov-11 16:25:56


I was telling MiL about this incident today, she has informed me it has done wonders for her pelvic floor everytime she replays it in her head.

Dh and I are both crying with laughter here. That is soooo much worse than when a spider ran up my face during the Harvest Festival service, when I was in the church choir, and I batted it off and then had ^no idea where it was!!^shock

Rushofbloodtothefeet - dh wanted to know about accidental foof-shaving too.

This thread must go in classics.

SuePurblybiltbyElves Sat 19-Nov-11 17:44:22

I like to think it was like Charlotte. Praps it spun a lovely word web up there, to describe the finer points of your <ahem> passage, Honey?
ROOMY perhaps, or SOME CHUFF.

Honeydragon Sat 19-Nov-11 18:10:11
Honeydragon Sat 19-Nov-11 18:10:30

Perfect normal up there thankyou!

SuePurblybiltbyElves Sat 19-Nov-11 18:11:51

lovely and pink grin

And I thought i had it bad with my accidental spider blow job. I was driving along and wound the window down a bit. A massive spider carrabinered down in front of my mouth and I spent quite some hundreds of yards silently screaming and blowing at it to keep it off my face until I stopped and begged a passer by to open the car door and remove it from in front of me. Whilst blowing.whilst stopping at waist level of passers by. Fortunately a nice lady with a pram took pity on me.

You need one of these. I had wondered why they needed to be so phallic-shaped, but now I know grin.

FloydieDoydie Sat 19-Nov-11 20:02:13

Hahaha! I love the 'spider blow-job' image grin

Glad I could clarify wink <still scratchy>

Did you find any errant legs Honey?

Bigglewinkle Sat 19-Nov-11 21:24:29

My mum once found a HUGE huntsman spider lurking in my Dad's y-fronts, as they were hanging on the washing line.
Disclaimer: we were living in Australia at the time
Although if you're squeamish about bugs don't live in Oz <shudder> <remembers cockroaches in the cutlery>
I LOVE this thread, have giggled all the way through

Honeydragon Sat 19-Nov-11 21:40:00

I think I actually strained my pelviv floor at the idea of killer foof spiders

I am NOT going to Australia!

CarefullyAirbrushedPotato Sat 19-Nov-11 21:57:09

though painfully arachnophobic am now laughing hysterically into sleeve in effort not to wake up baby sleeping on me

SausageSmuggler Sat 19-Nov-11 22:09:17

Honey have you invested in a mooncup? Would stop any stragglers adventuring too far north.

Also someone should pitch this to beauty salons as a new type of vajazzle (or whatever the hell it is).

Honeydragon Sat 19-Nov-11 22:24:13

I was with Mooncup at the time, you have just made me VERY glad I was wearing it!

SkinnyMuffin Sat 19-Nov-11 23:13:58


Is this what a spider blow job looks like floydie?

Ooh, hello classics! grin

FloydieDoydie Sat 19-Nov-11 23:21:59

Hahaha! Good one Skinnymuffin grin.... Did you get a look in the mirror whilst sucking off attempting to lose the spider Brambleschooks?

Honeydragon Sat 19-Nov-11 23:23:41

Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! not classics now my spider foof shame will live on forever blush

<starts considering new names>

<arf at skinny>

bloody love this. I am particularly enjoying the 'David Attenborough' image.

Welcome to this week's Life In The Undergrowth...

Thumbwitch Sun 20-Nov-11 01:55:18

Oh oh oh oh - I think I've just sprained my stomach muscles from laughing so hard! Can't believe I didn't click on this earlier, honey you loon! gringrin

Boris the Huntsman reappeared in my living room last night, while I was sitting there - and appears to have made his escape back out of the air con unit. Or he's just sitting in the box outside, waiting to return when I least expect it...

VivaLeBeaver Sun 20-Nov-11 02:02:01

See this is why bald fannies are a bad idea. Doesn't everyone realise that the purpose of jungle pubes are primarily as spider catchers? Bet you're regretting that Brazilian now honeydragon aren't you?

maighdlin Sun 20-Nov-11 02:19:20

that would have killed me. fucking hell!!

CheerfulYank Sun 20-Nov-11 04:02:10


After I read your OP I literally ran into the bathroom and shucked my pants to triple check. And now I keep feeling a phantom crawling Down There.


saffronwblue Sun 20-Nov-11 04:08:14

What's the bet that somewhere in the world there is a spider fanjo fetishist who is wishing he was your special friend, Honey?

FellatioNelson Sun 20-Nov-11 04:09:54

'I don't mind spiders....till they choose to die in my chuff'

That has to be the quote of the week. No, hang on - the year.

FellatioNelson Sun 20-Nov-11 04:14:26

'I'm not a pedant! I'm just ped-curious.'

Oh, this thread gets better.

Haha no, apart from observing traffic I didn't look in the mirror, I'm not spider blow self dogging you know. It was like something out of 'gladiators' as it was swinging in front of. My face with the motion of the car and going up and down on the silk as I tried to avoid it. People watching me must have thought I was dancing to disco that I didn't like.

I am wondering what place the vajazzle might have in all of this? Would it anchor the spider? Would it attract it in with the thoughts of glamour?

AhCheeses Sun 20-Nov-11 09:14:36

DS is watching some crap program on tv and they're singing a song with the words 'Get up and dance, like you have ants in your pants...'
Just set me off giggling, thought I'd come and check on the spider situation grin

Honeydragon Sun 20-Nov-11 09:49:48

Have you not had a baby yet?

<ducks to avoid been hit with baseball bat>

Thumbwitch Sun 20-Nov-11 10:07:37

Brambles - if you had rhinestoney vajazzling, the spider might thing it was another spider's eyes and try to mate...


SuePurblybiltbyElves Sun 20-Nov-11 10:13:07

Thumb makes an excellent point. It could also attract magpies grin

Or, take the story of the Old Woman who Swallowed a Fly as a cautionary tale. What if your spider was catching the fly? Next you'll have a rummage and find a cat, a dog, a cow, a horse and all sorts up there.

Honeydragon Sun 20-Nov-11 10:18:22

Oi Sue who are you calling old? <narrows eyes>

SuePurblybiltbyElves Sun 20-Nov-11 10:21:40

Yes, cos that's the big issue. Not the fecking farmyard up your chuff grin.

Honeydragon Sun 20-Nov-11 10:24:06

oh shit there's a cow at the front door?

Oh about that now a cow.

Should I let it in the house?

FellatioNelson Sun 20-Nov-11 10:29:08

You really don't want to be swallowing flies. Don't go onto youtube and search Botfly Removal. Especially don't search Mangofly Removal Dog. Just don't.

AhCheeses Sun 20-Nov-11 10:29:09

No I bloody haven't! Now make me laugh some more! grin

<I'm now a fully fledged cantankerous moody bitch>

DH has just walked in the living room, saw that I'm on MN and asked if there's any update on the spider situation! grin

FellatioNelson Sun 20-Nov-11 10:30:35

And if you do, just let it be a warning to to you if you are ever thinking of ingesting or twatting any form of arachnid or exotic insect.

Hooray - this is in Classics - and I am going to take credit for that (sorry Honey because I reported the OP to MNHQ and begged for it to go in Classics.

Am now off to youtube to look at botflies and mangoflies!

Honeydragon Sun 20-Nov-11 18:28:23

So I have you to blame ? hmm

droves Sun 20-Nov-11 19:13:33

Honeydragon do you know what kind of spider it was ?

Just curious ,purely for educational purposes you understand ? .

I need to know what type of spider it was , so to avoid that particular spider in future .

I still think spanx are the best way to avoid vaginaspideritis .

Honey dragon, I understand that the customs men need to come over and take a look to ensure that it wasn't one of those dangerous ones that come in on banana boats. They may need to perform a pat down, if you see what I mean.

Honeydragon Sun 20-Nov-11 20:52:18


<bolts doors>

bagelmonkey Sun 20-Nov-11 21:31:42

Ha! I will have to show this thread to my mum who always scoffed at me when I said I was worried about spiders crawling 'up there' while I was asleep.

This is like the time I put my pajama bottoms on as a child and a hornet was in them! shock

Stung me and flew off, bugger had made a nest in them when they were on the washing line.

I'm sorry, Honeydragon. sad

NinthWave Sun 20-Nov-11 23:20:48
Honeydragon Sun 20-Nov-11 23:46:18


Don't give me your sad face it makes me feel guilty for hmming you and then I might unclench!

Besides this is a good thing...if people remember me for my spider foof they might forget the whole immacing the babies head incident grin

NinthWave - OMFG! That photo is the stuff of nightmares shock

Why did I click.. why? shock

<rocks slowly>

Honeydragon Mon 21-Nov-11 00:39:22

Now you've made me do it too

<cowers behind Jareth>

Why the octual web did I have a real life on friday and miss this thread?

Honeyd you are a Legendx8.


Thumbwitch Mon 21-Nov-11 03:14:47

Hahaha - that photo is a killer! grin

Someone here told me that they had a spider make a nest in the air conditioning unit - when they switched the air conditioning on next time, all the baby spiders were blown into their living room! I hope Boris doesn't turn out to be a female...

Iteotwawki Mon 21-Nov-11 03:46:37

Thankyou for livening up a dull Monday afternoon!

As a confirmed arachnophobe I am now getting odd raised eyebrow looks from every

Iteotwawki Mon 21-Nov-11 03:49:37 as I squirm around on my seat hoping that my pants are spiderless.

Unfortunately the thread I read prior to this one was the nit thread in AIBU so I am scratching my head a lot as well.

Have to ask though - immac? On a baby's head? Why?

(apologies for split post, never really got the hang of iPhone posting)

Thumbwitch Mon 21-Nov-11 05:36:40

Ha, I can answer that one for honey - t'was an accident. She was immac'ing herself in the bath/shower and the baby was on the bathroom floor - a blob flew over and landed on baby's head. Sounds funnier her way though grin

SkinnyMuffin Mon 21-Nov-11 06:10:36

Oh was that you with the immac Honey? I'd heard the legend but didn't know who'd done it grin

TheCornishPickle Mon 21-Nov-11 06:50:10

Never mind spiderbabies, I think you need to watch out for the spider returning as a ghostly apparition to the scene of its demise! The ghost of Banquo springs to mind. You could make a fortune from 'Most Haunted - Minge Edition'. Can just imagine Yvette Fielding and Derek Acorah with torches.

SuePurblybiltbyElves Mon 21-Nov-11 08:08:58

Be the closet ol' Derek has been to a foof in many a long year since birth

droves Mon 21-Nov-11 11:48:51

Pmsl@ sue

allhailtheaubergine Mon 21-Nov-11 12:07:52

Highly deadly black Tarantula...
(Daylight come when you pull your pants down)

Bigglewinkle Mon 21-Nov-11 21:20:08

Eeeeeek just seen that huntsman photo... I'd forgotten how hideous they are. <shudder>
mind you, if my dad did get one in his pants, it might have served him right. He kept a spider in a jar in the kitchen for ages, feeding it flies, to see if anyone knew if it was a funnel web spider.... Then he let it go, so it probably went and told its big bully spidey mate to teach dad a lesson

And to continue from where aubergine left off...
Come miss honey dragon
Tally me banana
Daylight come when you pull your pants down,
6 legs,
7 legs,
8 legs,
Spider in my pants and I wanna go home

FourThousandHoles Mon 21-Nov-11 21:34:15

There was a mumsnetter who sat on a spider,
That wriggled and jiggled and tickled inside her,
She sat on the spider to catch the fly,
I don't know why she sat on the fly,
Perhaps she'll die.

Tiggywunkle Mon 21-Nov-11 22:56:14

Frigg pointed me in your direction. I apologise for laughing at what must have been a horrific incident, but this thread and the comments have had me laughing out loud!! I now need to explain to DH why!

I hope Boris was a boy - I wonder how you could assertion the gender of the average household spider?

Honeydragon Mon 21-Nov-11 23:13:02

Tiggy, either way Sue has decided I'm having spider babies! shock

Currently I am checking under the bed to see if Derek's there with a torch waiting for spider ghosts <gulp>

TheCornishPickle Tue 22-Nov-11 08:55:02

Well just be careful that Derek doesn't meet the same fate - imagine the headlines...

Incy Wincy spider scuttled across the floor.
Ran up Honey's leggy, looking for the door.
Saw a big dark tunnel long and dark and wide
Went in, laid an egg, was sat on and died.

All the little babies hatched out the next week.
Crept down her PJs while Honey was asleep.
Explored her armpits, was a bit hot there.
So snuggled up safely in her bushy hair.

Not only in classics - but in the Talk Roundup too. Now there's famous!

Someone just linked me this thread - how did I miss it?! It is genius. And the only good argument for hairless bits I have ever heard.


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