Oh. My toaster has gone missing.

(654 Posts)
CauldronsTrulyReign Fri 07-Oct-11 12:50:14

There's just a big gap on the work surface well, besides some crumbs.

What the actual croissant?


CoffeeIsMyFriend Fri 07-Oct-11 12:51:04

oh! have you vanished it?

did someone take it outside to shake the crumbs out and then leave it out there?

CauldronsTrulyReign Fri 07-Oct-11 12:54:01

There's no-one at home.


Pentagram Fri 07-Oct-11 12:55:51

Are you also missing an electric blanket, a radio, a vacuum cleaner and a lamp???

Pentagram Fri 07-Oct-11 12:56:28

link would have aided that joke... i am a tit

ScaredTEECat Fri 07-Oct-11 12:56:57

Did maybe one of the Chaotics remove it earlier? Is there a trail of crumbs to follow? Like Hansel and Gretel?

Shall I get out my deerstalker? Sherlock TEE to the rescue...

CroissantNeuf Fri 07-Oct-11 12:57:03

Is there a smell of burnt toaster lingering around the kitchen?

If so, whoever was up first this morning had a little mishap that they didn't confess to.

CauldronsTrulyReign Fri 07-Oct-11 13:01:38

All the Chaotics are at school Tee.

I used it last night.

I just got home from gallivanting after the school run, and it is gorn.


ScaredTEECat Fri 07-Oct-11 13:03:05

So it was there before you left this morning?

ChippyMinton Fri 07-Oct-11 13:03:19

Remove the Cloak of Invisibility that has been chucked over it?

CauldronsTrulyReign Fri 07-Oct-11 13:05:52

It was.


How do I do that Chippy and can I use it on DC?

Hungrydragon Fri 07-Oct-11 13:05:59

where does the toaster normally reside?

CauldronsTrulyReign Fri 07-Oct-11 13:08:14

Pent, I am on my phone, I can't see your link.

I am too perplexed to fire up my laptop.

This is beyond strange.

I know I had toast last night.

CauldronsTrulyReign Fri 07-Oct-11 13:09:07

In the sandwoch making vicinity of the kitchen.

So I am pretty sure it was there this morning.

ScaredTEECat Fri 07-Oct-11 13:10:38

Huh. Um....well...you could...um...

Nope. I got nothing. Toaster thief?

ScaredBear Fri 07-Oct-11 13:10:58

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KatieMiddleton Fri 07-Oct-11 13:11:18

Are you sure you're actually in your own house? Could you have accidentally let yourself into your neighbour's?

CauldronsTrulyReign Fri 07-Oct-11 13:13:06


I had one glass of Cava to toast a friend's new house.

I'm gutted, it was almost my favourite appliance.

CauldronsTrulyReign Fri 07-Oct-11 13:16:07



Nope, that was definitelt my pussy purring as I entered.

Thingumy Fri 07-Oct-11 13:17:25

check the bathroom...

and behind you!

CotherMuckingFuntingZombie Fri 07-Oct-11 13:18:27

Dishwasher? Kids can be so helpful.

CauldronsTrulyReign Fri 07-Oct-11 13:19:56

I'm looking everywhere.

But who would've/could've moved it?

Thingumy Fri 07-Oct-11 13:20:10

and if you have a teen,check by it's bed <lazy oiks>

ScaredBear Fri 07-Oct-11 13:20:32

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RalphGhoul Fri 07-Oct-11 13:21:08

What the....? A toaster can't just vanish. Let's think sensibly about this.

Nope....got nothing. How intriguing. Maybe you will get a postcard from Mauritius from it soon.

SausageSmuggler Fri 07-Oct-11 13:21:30

Behind the sofa?

KatieMiddleton Fri 07-Oct-11 13:26:07

Maybe it is now working as a personal trainer in Slough? If Total Jobs are to be believed any way <tenuous reference to stupid ad with two toasters chatting about one toaster's new job. Stupid ad. Who has two toasters?>

ToasterOfChaos Fri 07-Oct-11 13:26:38

Umm... I forgot to pack my sunscreen. Could you please forward it on to me?



KatieMiddleton Fri 07-Oct-11 13:27:00

<bet Chaos wishes she had two toasters>

zipzap Fri 07-Oct-11 13:29:09

Have you looked in all your bins in case it broke/was broken when someone else used it and they just threw it away thinking it was broken?

KatieMiddleton Fri 07-Oct-11 13:31:15

Do you have a husband who left unsupervised might decide to take the toaster to work?

Muddlewitch Fri 07-Oct-11 13:32:29

Um, have you checked if the TV is still around?

TipOfTheSlung Fri 07-Oct-11 13:34:07

Ring your OH if you have one

TipOfTheSlung Fri 07-Oct-11 13:38:13

Or do you have numberjacks living in your sofa? seen the problem blob around?

CauldronsTrulyReign Fri 07-Oct-11 13:48:40





I'm sure it was there when I left at 8:47.

I was last out the house.

DH works away.

Chaos1 is definiteltly at school, I had to take her art homework to her that she forgot. When I nipped in to fetch it, I didn't check the kitchen fir missing things.

Alarm on, double locked door.

No sign of false entry.

Nothing else missing, I don't think.

Utterly Butterly.

CauldronsTrulyReign Fri 07-Oct-11 13:50:08


You're having a larf.


Hassled Fri 07-Oct-11 13:52:33

Maybe you sleepwalked (sleptwalked?) last night and made yourself some toast. You burnt it, being asleep and all, and in a fit of petulant rage threw the toaster out of the window.

Pinot Fri 07-Oct-11 13:53:27

I stole it.

You pissed me off proper with your toast-eating last night when I was wanging on at ya. With pepper?! <shakes head>

Sozzles 'bout that.

Pinot Fri 07-Oct-11 13:55:04

<arf> @ Utterly Butterly being a word of exasperation.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pentagram Fri 07-Oct-11 13:56:30

It is Hallowe'en soon where the gateway between worlds narrow and spooks can come and go with more ease....do you, perchance have any lampposts outside your house?

pyjamasinbananas Fri 07-Oct-11 13:58:03

Laughing too much to come up with a reasonable explanation

ToasterOfChaos Fri 07-Oct-11 13:58:04

Well, you'll be sorry when I come back all burnt from the smeared butter that's all over me.

Could you tell KettleOfChaos to hurry up? The flight's going to leave soon

I will kind of miss you though. When you stumble in all bleary eyed in your dressing gown. Then you see me and your eyes light up. It's nice to be loved.


Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ColdSancerre Fri 07-Oct-11 14:00:07

"Could you tell KettleOfChaos to hurry up? The flight's going to leave soon"


Hungrydragon Fri 07-Oct-11 14:03:27

Do you have any pets that could have eaten it?

pyjamasinbananas Fri 07-Oct-11 14:06:07

Hungry elves in the garden?

GetOrfMo1Land Fri 07-Oct-11 14:06:24

Is your husband like me?

Year of hatred and resentment of a toaster becasue the BASTARDING THING perpetually vomitted crumbs all over the work surface.

I hated it so one day I threw it in next door's skip.

I told DP and DD that they would have to make toast using the grill.

This lasted a week before they cracked and DP went and bought a new toaster angry

I make them put it in the cupboard after use. I hate toasters.

bibbitybobbityhat Fri 07-Oct-11 14:07:03

Perhaps it has run off with my gravy boat and the lid from my big saucepan?

pyjamasinbananas Fri 07-Oct-11 14:08:35

My FIL was convinced the toaster was broken and took it apart to fix it. They've been using the grill for 4 years

it could be divine intervention.

Perhaps it would have blown you up if used one more time, or started a fire...so the nice ghosts took it away to save your life

ArtVandelay Fri 07-Oct-11 14:09:00

Last week another poster found a mysterious locket and necklace in her toaster. MN is becoming like Tales of the Unexpected but with toasters.

Erm...No. Got nothing.

Getorf I sense a lot of rage from you. Poor toaster sad

ToasterOfChaos Fri 07-Oct-11 14:09:19

Get in the suitcase. Now. before they see you. No, don't worry. I have a plan for the x-ray

No gravy boat or big lid here. No siree.


No one but me.


Ihavewelliesbutitssunny Fri 07-Oct-11 14:09:21

Do you have any bizarre relatives/friends/acquiantances who are for some reason in possession of a key to your home and may have let themselves in to 'borrow' your toaster or just absent-mindedly popped it in their handbag?

ScaredTEECat Fri 07-Oct-11 14:09:48

Are there any missing dishes or spoons? Any cows jumping over any moons? Perhaps it was feeling left out of Nursery Rhyme land and went to join in...

pyjamasinbananas Fri 07-Oct-11 14:12:06

Is there an iPhone missing as well only your toaster appears to be posting on the move grin

GetOrfMo1Land Fri 07-Oct-11 14:12:39

You are right about rage.

crumbs everywhere. You would wipe the sides, move the toaster 1 inch, then more crumbs would come out. Hateful thing.

The sound of that toaster going 'CLANG' as it was hurled into the skip from 8 feet away was like music to my ears. (I then had to run away in case neighbours saw me fly tipping their skip)

RedRubyBlue Fri 07-Oct-11 14:13:51

I have two toasters. One is a gorgeous two slot Dualit in almond with the little timer and lifty-uppy-downy- handle and the other one is a Electrolux four slice with muffin tray.

We use the Electrolux all the time and I am secretly hoping it breaks so I can use the Dualit ALL the time as it is just so beautiful and I love the whirry noise of the timer and the elements are replaceable...........................I am really not helping here OP am I.


KatieMiddleton Fri 07-Oct-11 14:13:53

I'll bet it's with Bibbity's gravy boat and big lid and my remote control for the TV. It'll have been sucked into some sort of domestic Burmuda triangle.

<Goes to check toaster in case it's an epidemic>

No, I'm alright Jack. How peculiar. Have you checked the shower?


If you link an image of said toaster Chaos I shall print some wanted lost toaster posters and attach to lamp posts in my local area.

Pinot Fri 07-Oct-11 14:14:57

Aww GetOrf I love your mini-rages.

And, I say it again, Chaos puts pepper on her buttery toast. It's NOT RIGHT. NO.

ScaredTEECat Fri 07-Oct-11 14:15:44

Have you seen this toaster?

[insert picture]

Answers to the name, um...toaster. Last seen Thursday night. I'd describe it but you've all seen a toaster!

Please ring; [insert phone number]

Reward: 4 pieces of toast

TipOfTheSlung Fri 07-Oct-11 14:16:46

wish someone would nick my toaster so I had a reasonable excuse to get a new one. this one doesnt fit ordinary sized sliced bread into it

Hungrydragon Fri 07-Oct-11 14:17:40
GetOrfMo1Land Fri 07-Oct-11 14:17:57

I put salt on top of the butter when I had a roll and butter <heart attack>

Pentagram Fri 07-Oct-11 14:17:58

"attach to lamp posts in my local area" - but, but you can't do that - the ghosts are already half way up them....

ScaredTEECat Fri 07-Oct-11 14:18:24

HAHAHAHA Hungry! That's fab!

But how big is Chaos' kitchen..... confused

bibbitybobbityhat Fri 07-Oct-11 14:18:31

Putting pepper on your buttery toast is not as wrong as putting a raw egg on it, which is what Reality does shock.

RedRubyBlue Fri 07-Oct-11 14:18:44

How about we all call and whistle set up a fingertip search of the neighbourhood?

Fan out everyone.

"Here Toastie. Toooooastie? Come 'ere Toastie. Good Toastie"

Remember to check in skips, sheds and garages.

Ihavewelliesbutitssunny Fri 07-Oct-11 14:19:15

Did Getorff steal and destroy it due to her toaster phobia (her thinking may have been along the lines of 'theres another one out of the way!') or did RedRuby steal it due to her toaster fetish?

whatsallthehullaballoo Fri 07-Oct-11 14:19:16

Oh dear.
<offers chaos a seat>

Sometimes toasters have to go to a place called Toaster Heaven.
He will be happy there...they have marmite, jam and choc spread and he can toast and toast all day long and never get poorly again.

<strokes Chaos' back softly, humming a tune>

There there.

GandTiceandacauldron Fri 07-Oct-11 14:19:18

My toaster is still there. I wish my iron & board would feck off.

I once lost a packet of mince that was defrosting on the unit. That mystery has NEVER been solved.

well according to this toasters used to rule the earth. They're regrouping !! The world is about to be taken over by toasters!

GetOrfMo1Land Fri 07-Oct-11 14:21:13

I urge you ALL with shite toasters to sling 'em.

Preferably into someone's skip if you can find one.

Or, go to a local park, hold your toaster by the plug and then spin round in circle imvreasingly faster, with toaster aswirl, and let go, in manner of olympian hammer throws.

I hate toasters. What's the point. They are all crap.

ScaredTEECat Fri 07-Oct-11 14:21:18

Are you sure it didn't get sent to the toaster farm whatsallthehullaballloo? So it could run and play with the other toasters?

pyjamasinbananas Fri 07-Oct-11 14:21:20

Pepper and salt on toast??? I can't handle DP and his disgusting use of peanut butter on toast!

FlyingPirates Fri 07-Oct-11 14:22:11

Maybe it has hooked up with Toaster from Red Dwarf? They do enjoy a crumpet or two, along with other bread related items. grin

Hungrydragon Fri 07-Oct-11 14:24:20

controlpants, either you fucked your link or were all stuck in the toaster vortex

Hungrydragon Fri 07-Oct-11 14:24:31


whatsallthehullaballoo Fri 07-Oct-11 14:24:45

scared TEECat: Oh yes...that sounds more comforting. Tell Chaos!!!


ScaredTEECat Fri 07-Oct-11 14:26:09

Come sit with me chaos and I'll tell you all about the toaster farm.

::strokes chaos' hair::

It's where toasts go to play and laugh and toast all.day.long!

Plenty of pepper confused and butter and jam and Nutella for them to roll around in!

::whispers to whatsallthehullabaloo how's that?::

Spooky, I was just think of the toaster from Red Dwarf.

I think the cats had it.

whatsallthehullaballoo Fri 07-Oct-11 14:29:02

TEECat - perfect. Thank you. I must try harder next time!

giraffesCantDookForApples Fri 07-Oct-11 14:29:07

I have 2 toasters- one is mine and one is landladys - I moved in to a furnished flat and already had everything.

I vote for bin/garden cos went on fire

RedRubyBlue Fri 07-Oct-11 14:30:09

My bastard ex Dh once claimed ignorance of the whereabouts of my Le Creuset casserole dish.

He actually (holds onto chair for support) had (gulps back racking sobs) used it [racking sobs and snot] to mix paint in then he threw it away.

[Nurse - may I have my pills now please. I will be very, very good. I promise]



My ex DH has been round your place. I know his form. wink

ToasterOfChaos Fri 07-Oct-11 14:30:51

I can't do it. GetOrf's in there and she's scaring me. She has nothing against remote controls RemoteOfMiddleton. Just run in and grab it out the drawer. Yes, the drawer under the umm... newly freed up bit of work surface.


Frigging passports.

ScaredTEECat Fri 07-Oct-11 14:31:32

redrubyblue gasp! No wonder he's an ex!

RedRubyBlue Fri 07-Oct-11 14:34:44


It hurt so bad. It was the beautiful red coloured one as well. I have a blue one now and a cream one but tis not the same.

I seem to have two of everything? hmm

ScaredTEECat Fri 07-Oct-11 14:35:49

I just acquired my first Le Creuset after coveting them for years, red. I would cry if someone mixed paint in it!

JambalayaCodfishDIE Fri 07-Oct-11 14:36:52

Maybe they're remaking 'The brave little toaster save Christmas' and it's gone to audition?

EduStudent Fri 07-Oct-11 14:48:57

You can have ours if you like. It's not too bad. As long as you know exactly where to place the stool with the plate on top of it to catch the toast as it's hurled at approximately 36mph across the kitchen.

There's also half a Majorcan bus ticket stuck in the bottom. No, we don't understand either.

ScaredBear Fri 07-Oct-11 14:51:23

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ihavewelliesbutitssunny Fri 07-Oct-11 14:55:11

Scared bear, it gets worse a 'wee diary' has disappeared, check out the 'wee diary thread'.

ScaredTEECat Fri 07-Oct-11 14:55:30

Oh dear. Time for the OFRS?!?!

headfairy Fri 07-Oct-11 14:56:04

Maybe it's left you because it's only almost your favourite appliance? grin

DemonMousse Fri 07-Oct-11 14:59:00

I am crying at this thread - I have to go out soon and I want to know where it is!

blackeyedsusan Fri 07-Oct-11 15:02:57

have you checked the bins?

how old are the dcs? could they have smuggled out a toaster in their school bag?

RedRubyBlue Fri 07-Oct-11 15:14:36

Do you think toasters can 'go bad' in the same manner as a Chucky Doll?

Evil and dying man has breathed his demonic alter ego into it and now it is waiting under your bed with a bread knife and chuckling with a rasping Satanic wheeze.

Just a thought smile

EduStudent Fri 07-Oct-11 15:14:52

Maybe your toaster was at the very epicentre of a rift in time and space. Perhaps it has fallen through and has been catapulted through dimensions.

Perhaps yours is the very toaster that made Winston Churchill his toast on the morning of D-Day.

Perhaps it made the toast that Prince William ate on his wedding day.

Perhaps it made breakfast for Neil Armstrong as he prepared to embark on an epic mission to the moon.

Or perhaps, just perhaps, it's just made breakfast for that hairy, shifty looking bloke down the rode.

RalphGhoul Fri 07-Oct-11 15:15:00

I need to know what has happened to Chaos' toaster.

ScaredTEECat Fri 07-Oct-11 15:17:22

Heh, bread knife. grin

TheyCallMeKipper Fri 07-Oct-11 15:18:11

Could it have spontaneously combusted and those crumbs are all that's left?

<sniffs for tell tale burning smell>

MilkNoSugarPlease Fri 07-Oct-11 15:25:44

This is more exciting then a live birth thread!

ScaredTEECat Fri 07-Oct-11 15:26:14

I have to go do the school run. Chaos please update soon!

EduStudent Fri 07-Oct-11 15:28:52

This is like Booble Plate all over again.

Damn that Hadron Collider grin

Oh I loved teh Booble Plate thread.


I would be starting to worry now. Where could the toaster have got to? They're not known for wandering, are they?

RedRubyBlue Fri 07-Oct-11 15:40:33


Has your toaster been 'done'? It is very irresponsible of you if you haven't had it 'done'.

How do you think I ended up with more than one toaster? angry

It will be with the Dirty Gertie of the toaster world having it off and it will be all your fault.

[glares at Cauldrons]

[turns around]

[turns back and glares again]

LindsayWagner Fri 07-Oct-11 15:42:47

I'm worried about Chaos.
I'm worried she went off into the woods alone to find her toaster, despite the warnings of the creepy old Appalachian man with only two teeth she met on the road when her car broke down.

I'll be honest: I'm thinking hand-held camera and heavy breathing audio fx.

Dillydollydaydream Fri 07-Oct-11 15:55:44

How very bizarre. Any news on the missing toaster?

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ColdSancerre Fri 07-Oct-11 16:01:53

Oh yes I loved the booble plate thread. Who did the booble plate belong to?

RedRubyBlue Fri 07-Oct-11 16:15:04


Do you think she has turned up at the house with the blood on the door yet?

You know the one. It has two little attic windows and when they are lit up at night they resemble evil eyes staring out into the inky blackness.

The house she was told to avoid by the old wise woman...........

minimuffy Fri 07-Oct-11 16:15:46

maybe it will turn up in germany saying it's been living rouge in the woods as is ' all alone in the world.....'

Hungrydragon Fri 07-Oct-11 16:43:59

first the toaster

now Chaos


VirgoGrr Fri 07-Oct-11 16:53:54

<has feeling this may turn out to be one of those existential threads that has no satisfactory conclusion>

However, in the meantime let me add my disappearing kitchen implement story.

'small knife' went missing, was replaced. 'small knife no 2' went missing. Then 'middle knife' went missing.

Started getting a bit nervous, spent a few days imagining that a psychopath was breaking into my kitchen, and stealing my kitchen knives in preparation to murder me in my sleep.

Then had a rational think about it and decided that we were throwing knives away in empty pizza boxes after we'd used them. grin

Anyway, where do all those teaspoons bloody go to?

RedRubyBlue Fri 07-Oct-11 16:54:21

I'm scared.

pyjamasinbananas Fri 07-Oct-11 16:54:46

The same place as baby socks. I blame the borrowers

VirgoGrr Fri 07-Oct-11 16:55:42

And what's 'living rouge', minimuffy? Sounds saucy.

whatsallthehullaballoo Fri 07-Oct-11 17:00:46

Well I have lost the friggin bottom of my flan pan. You know the loose bottom.

All I am left with is a frilly ring

So to speak blush

LittleMissFlustered Fri 07-Oct-11 17:01:37

Spoons go in our house too, but my weirdest 'lose' is the strainer bit off my lemon juicer. You know, the ring with the holes in that collects the pips? 'tis gone! It usually lives with the rest of the juicer in the random baking bollocks implement drawer, was washed and put away, then went to get it to make a lemon drizzle and it was not there! I made a Victoria sponge instead but it's not the point!

HerdOfTinyElephants Fri 07-Oct-11 17:02:23

It isn't "t" day for show and tell at school, is it?

CaveMum Fri 07-Oct-11 17:08:59

Zombies, maybe? [clutches at straws]

Fiderer Fri 07-Oct-11 17:11:38

Mmm, it may be connected to the disappearance of 5 of my 6 flowery plates. I cannot imagine what No. 6 did to be excluded in the disappearance.

Tbh, I don't like them (present from exMil) but dd does for birthday teas and teddy bears teas. She didn't say anything but yesterday got out the Tea Party Bears and I fear there may have been some sniffiness on their part at being served tea in cups only as the saucers were forced to act as plates too. Still, she's a stalwart girl and improvised.

I'd like to think the plates have been dragooned into toast duty.

thefirstMrsDeVeerie Fri 07-Oct-11 17:16:10


I think its mice.

They love toasters (all the crumbs).

I reckon it would only take about 6 of them to lift your average toaster and carry it off.

culturemulcher Fri 07-Oct-11 17:23:31

Either Chaos has gone the same way as her toaster, or she's standing, stock still in shock as she realises the toaster has...

... reappeared shock

stripeybump Fri 07-Oct-11 17:24:34

In my old student digs we found a dead mouse in our toaster. Iirc we stuck a fork in it to get it out and then made some toast.

bagelmonkey Fri 07-Oct-11 17:32:02

Have you tried calling it? Maybe the toaster is sulking at the end of the garden and just wants to be called back.

pissedrightoff Fri 07-Oct-11 17:54:46

I will not sleep tonight if I don't know where Chaos' toaster went. (Neither will she I imagine)

EduStudent Fri 07-Oct-11 18:09:11


<Echoes through strangely empty kitchen>

CaveMum Fri 07-Oct-11 18:15:20

Chaos' address isn't 666 The Twilight Zone, is it?!

Has she offended the Government/establishment in any way that may have necessitated her "removal"?!

[looks around suspiciously & wonders who the mole is]

Hungrydragon Fri 07-Oct-11 18:29:55

<looks shifty>

<denies ongoing feud with Chaos. That continues even though neither remember why they aren't speaking>

<buries Toasters into Time Portals at back of thread>

<remains nonchalant>

DirtyBat Fri 07-Oct-11 18:34:58

Need to know where the toaster is!

I knows where it is.

ToasterOfChaos Fri 07-Oct-11 18:47:45

Mmmmmmphhhh mmmmphhhmmmm mmmmphhhhhmmmm

<rips electrical tape of>

Chaos!! help meeeeeeeeee

LindsayWagner Fri 07-Oct-11 19:09:57

Okay. Let's all split up and go and look for chaos. I'll go and look in that deserted property on the hill.

CauldronsTrulyReign Fri 07-Oct-11 19:17:57

Right I have spoken to the Chaotics.

They deny everything. hmm

And DH was fuseless.


He knows nothing.

But has offered me a spare toaster that he had in his workshop.

He is remarkably uncurious to the whole incident.


Just to prove I has the toaster there's a picture on my profile. Send cash and you might just get it back.

CauldronsTrulyReign Fri 07-Oct-11 19:23:24


CauldronsTrulyReign Fri 07-Oct-11 19:23:35


CauldronsTrulyReign Fri 07-Oct-11 19:23:50


CauldronsTrulyReign Fri 07-Oct-11 19:23:59


ScaredBear Fri 07-Oct-11 19:25:49

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CauldronsTrulyReign Fri 07-Oct-11 19:28:41

No he hasn't got it.

But has a £4.97 spare in the doghouse workshop.

Hungrydragon Fri 07-Oct-11 19:29:08

Pmsl at profile.... I love seeing devotion to the cause

CauldronsTrulyReign Fri 07-Oct-11 19:29:18

Apparently there's a shite microwave in there as well.


CauldronsTrulyReign Fri 07-Oct-11 19:30:54


How much is the ransom?

calls Lucas North surreptiously

culturemulcher Fri 07-Oct-11 19:31:30



no know this acronym

ZombiesAtYourCervix Fri 07-Oct-11 19:31:32

my mates cat once peed in her toaster. at least she thought it ws the cat (only discovered when toasting a teacake and it went phut with a urine scented puff). I always suspected her dypsomaniac DP.

ScaredTEECat Fri 07-Oct-11 19:31:47

My god the dedication of that profile.

And we still don't know where the toaster is...

Well... <strokes chin thoughtfully>

RalphGhoul Fri 07-Oct-11 19:33:49

Hang on. How do we know she's the real Chaos? How do we know that Chaos hasn't been abducted too and she ^ is just trying to throw us off?

<narrows eyes suspiciously>

CauldronsTrulyReign Fri 07-Oct-11 19:33:55

I've always wanted to do that synchronised picking up of phones with raised eyebrows.

Here is my opportunity.


culturemulcher Fri 07-Oct-11 19:37:50

toaster I can't take it any more. That poor, poor, frightened toaster. I've caved in. I'll pay, I'll pay. Just tell me where, and when.

Oh, and how much.

<must get better at this negotiating intermediary lark>

ScaredBear Fri 07-Oct-11 19:39:54

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RedRosie Fri 07-Oct-11 19:39:55

Ants? They can lift 100 times their own bodyweight.


Randsom note (AKA my demands)

500g naice ham
Orla Kiely handbag
Boden catalogue
Cold sancerre
Babyliss Big Hair
Shred DVD

CauldronsTrulyReign Fri 07-Oct-11 19:41:57

Ok I can provide Boden cat and babyliss BH.

Who can help with rest rest?


Hungrydragon Fri 07-Oct-11 19:42:10

Why would a male appliance napper want those?

<fetches deerstalker hat>

CotherMuckingFuntingZombie Fri 07-Oct-11 19:43:16

I have some naice ham and a Davina dvd.

HerdOfTinyElephants Fri 07-Oct-11 19:45:45

I have a shred DVD still in its unopened packaging

Davina DVD? Don't fuck about.

<Starts reaching for toaster's knobs. All menacing like>

CauldronsTrulyReign Fri 07-Oct-11 19:48:30

Right, I am atking the Chaotics to Youth Club.

I expect it to be back on my return.


No more fannying around.

New picture on profile. Cos I'm serious.

I have a OR handbag but only if you could return my good measuring jug also

Uglymush Fri 07-Oct-11 19:50:29

I think I can help with the cold Sancerre

This post has proper cheered me up thanks!


Revised Randsom note

500g naice ham
Orla Kiely handbag (new, not any old tat. Leather)
Boden catalogue
Cold sancerre (big bottle of)
Babyliss Big Hair (Unused. No bits of mangy locks trapped in the mechanism)
Shred DVD (unopened)
Mention in Talk Roundup
Tea and biscuits at The Towers.

In fact, get MNHQ on the phone. I will only negotiate with Justine. Or Carrie if Justine is busy.

ScaredTEECat Fri 07-Oct-11 19:57:03

Oh I just remembered one of my measuring jugs has also gone missing...hmm

DemonMousse Fri 07-Oct-11 19:57:53

Is that definitely a current picture of the toaster? How do we know it's still <gulp> OK?

I think we need to see it reading a copy of today's .....erm....Daily Mail....

culturemulcher Fri 07-Oct-11 19:58:43

I wanted to be the hero of the hour. Too late, too late.

<weeps softly>

Blu Fri 07-Oct-11 20:02:55

IHaveYourToaster: I am sure that MNHQ have a policy against negotiating with terrorists. Justine will be here in a minute and will quote the MN Phiosophy.

"Please do bear in mind how difficult this parenting business can be, and if there's one thing all of us could do with, it's some moral support." That is a clear indictment of holding other mother's toasters as hostage.

OliviaMumsnet (MNHQ) Fri 07-Oct-11 20:06:00

The secret service do not comment on procedure.

ScaredTEECat Fri 07-Oct-11 20:07:18

HA! Olivia! grin

HappyMoleDeletedByEvilMole Fri 07-Oct-11 20:08:07

I luffs this thread grin

RedRubyBlue Fri 07-Oct-11 20:11:10


Have you looked for a tunnel?

My patience is wearing very thin

<puts on classical music>

<starts lining up the instruments of toaster torture: screwdriver, pliers, wire cutters, soldering iron>

ScaredTEECat Fri 07-Oct-11 20:12:17

Wait. This week's talk round up has already been issued. So are you going to hold the poor toaster for another week??!

ColdSancerre Fri 07-Oct-11 20:13:35

"Randsom note (AKA my demands)

500g naice ham
Orla Kiely handbag
Boden catalogue
Cold sancerre
Babyliss Big Hair
Shred DVD"

Wibble. Please don't give me to the scary kidnapper. Wibble.

RedRubyBlue Fri 07-Oct-11 20:17:45

I am going to line all the little Cauldrons up and then start the questioning.

They will 'fess up as soon as they see my fashion sense and elderly mobile phone.

I mean business. I have no shame [nor street cred].

ScaredBear Fri 07-Oct-11 20:24:53

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ColdSancerre Fri 07-Oct-11 20:32:11

Yes, take someone else. How do you feel about Pinot?

CauldronsTrulyReign Fri 07-Oct-11 20:38:33

<<walks back in>>

<<glares at vast empty space on surface>>

RedRubyBlue Fri 07-Oct-11 20:40:30

Sarah Stratton would be too feisty as a kidnapee. The kidnappers would give the ransom back and double it.

silverten Fri 07-Oct-11 20:41:16

It's run off with my pastry cutters.

The ones that only have one place they have any business to be, but aren't there. The ones that only I use, because no one else in this house does any baking. The ones that got put back in their place the last time I used them.

I was unreasonably furious when I discovered they'd 'gone'.

There will be no mince pies in this house until they have been located.

RedRubyBlue Fri 07-Oct-11 20:42:07

Hi Caulds

Just thinking about you and your toastless state. Whatcha bin up to?

[Eyes up the DC's of Cauld with a cold and critical eye]

HerScaryness Fri 07-Oct-11 20:45:03

My mum has contacts at Babyliss. I'll provide the BigHair

CauldronsTrulyReign Fri 07-Oct-11 20:47:24

Meh, I'm ok, but puzzled.

How the actual friff did a toaster disappear from a locked up house?

And how will I face Kevin McCloud in the morning without my invigorating peppery toast?


Get me my stuff or I start unscrewing!

ColdSancerre Fri 07-Oct-11 20:53:01

I'll contribute a chilled bottle of Veltliner in leiu of me. I'd hate you to be toasterless.

TheOriginalFAB Fri 07-Oct-11 20:53:53

I can never remember what SIOB stands for.

ZombiesAtYourCervix Fri 07-Oct-11 20:55:28

Toaster - I bow to your marvelous profile someone- --has far too much time on their hands

you may have my shred DVD - it is pristine in its wrapper.

Cold Sancerre will take one for the team.

I can't offer ham but in the fridge there is some rather fine proscutto.

ZombiesAtYourCervix Fri 07-Oct-11 20:56:04

SIOB!!! Chaos are you seeing Kev tomorrow?

ScaredBear Fri 07-Oct-11 20:56:19

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CauldronsTrulyReign Fri 07-Oct-11 20:57:52

I am licking meeting Kev tomorrow, yus.

But how the actual NorthFace can I do it without my morning constitutional?

culturemulcher Fri 07-Oct-11 20:58:02

thank you, thank you cervix. I was still fretting over SIOB

ZombiesAtYourCervix Fri 07-Oct-11 21:00:03

you are very welcome but i'm not sure why.

ZombiesAtYourCervix Fri 07-Oct-11 21:00:39

Cauldrons pull youself together <<slarpsface>> do you not have a grill?

culturemulcher Fri 07-Oct-11 21:03:39

spot of acronym decoding malfunction

culturemulcher Fri 07-Oct-11 21:04:47

@ cervix

FroOOOOOtshoOOOOOOts Fri 07-Oct-11 21:12:01

Ok I can provide Boden cat and babyliss BH.

A Boden CAT???

RedRubyBlue Fri 07-Oct-11 21:14:03

This is a case for The Sweeny.

Cue music and Reagan and screeching tyres in a baby poo coloured Cortina.

This will end up happily dahhn the pub smile

ScaredTEECat Fri 07-Oct-11 21:16:35

Okay. I really need to get to bed. Return the toaster and no one gets hurt...

My cheese grater has been missing for 5 weeks. FIVE WEEKS. Perhaps it is the ringleader of all these missing kitchen items.

RedRubyBlue Fri 07-Oct-11 21:25:09

Do you think all of these kitchen implements are armed and have a headquarters in yonder hills?

I used to have 17 rammekins and now I have three......................

[ponders and has a sense of deja vue]

Bet you knew I was going to write that grin

MollyintheMoon Fri 07-Oct-11 21:26:45

Ok listen up people.

The fugitive toaster has been missing for 8 hours. It's time to call in the US Marshals. We need a hard-target search of every gas station, residence, warehouse, farmhouse, henhouse, outhouse and doghouse in the area.

Go get him!

silverten Fri 07-Oct-11 21:27:32

This is what happens when you put microchips in domestic items. They start to think for themselves, decide that a life of food preparation isn't for them, and bugger off together to Barbados.

ScaredBear Fri 07-Oct-11 21:40:50

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

I'm going to issue the coordinates for the exchange shortly. Please confirm you have all the items.

It will be a UK location and I will provide an Ordinance Survey 6 digit grid reference.

CardyMow Fri 07-Oct-11 21:55:37

I think Dr. Who landed the Tardis in Chaos's Kitchen, and took the toaster for essential repairs to the Tardis control panel.


RedRubyBlue Fri 07-Oct-11 22:04:25


Have you noticed a tiny little suit of armour in your hallway or an unusual new lamp with an over large shade on your hall table?

RedRubyBlue Fri 07-Oct-11 22:04:47

The toaster may be 'hiding' you see.

CauldronsTrulyReign Fri 07-Oct-11 22:06:08

This is not a small toaster floks.

It is a 4piecer.


It's a pity that the toaster doesn't have GPS tracking, you'd soon find the kidnapper that way Cauldron.

<remembers that she's forgotten how to read ordnance survey maps>

ColdSancerre Fri 07-Oct-11 22:13:03

I think you made the toaster up. It was all a dream. Did you wake up this morning in the shower?

MollieO Fri 07-Oct-11 22:20:55

Maybe Kevin snuck into your kitchen and removed it as a crime against good taste grin

RedRubyBlue Fri 07-Oct-11 22:22:05

I am going to bed. I have ten slices of toast to make for breakfast.

PelvicFloorOfAAAAARGHSteel Fri 07-Oct-11 22:25:06

I'll give you a new toaster if you take me along to meet Kevin... grin

gerardway Fri 07-Oct-11 22:31:32

Told my Dh about this earlier and he wasn't interested he thinks MN is daft but he just saw me on here and then asked about the 'Toaster' grin and he is quite sure your DH has it hidden in his workshop or knows what has happened to it which is why he is not worried that it has disappeared.

These are the coordinates for the drop: NO 26119 94367

Be there at sunrise with the ransom. If anyone guesses my true identity the deals off and the toaster gets it's element removed. No Old Bill.

MrMan Fri 07-Oct-11 22:35:30

I know what has happened here. Someone else has used Cosmic Ordering to get a toaster. And the universe nabbed yours.

DemonMousse Fri 07-Oct-11 22:39:31

IHaveYourToaster I am disappointed that you didn't say "Come Alone" - kidnappers always say "Come Alone".

<ponders that IHYT might be a bit of an amateur>

Vampirecella Fri 07-Oct-11 22:40:34

Arf at IHaveYourToaster having a profile grin

Vampirecella Fri 07-Oct-11 22:42:04

Oh and non sequential notes <nods sagely> You missed that.

Well there'll be at least Chaos and ColdSancerre so I can't say come alone.

If you work out who I am you'll see I'm no amateur... <says too much>

HerdOfTinyElephants Fri 07-Oct-11 22:44:39

Would have to be non-sequential slices of ham, though, in this case...

DemonMousse Fri 07-Oct-11 22:48:19

<flattered at being spoken to directly by the 'napper and a little bit scared>


<gets out 'The Observer's Book of Negotiating Skills' for a quick refresher incase called upon>

giraffesCantDookForApples Fri 07-Oct-11 22:49:48

Have we not found it yet?

Vampirecella Fri 07-Oct-11 22:50:40

No, you'd be better off watching Phone Booth I reckon, Demon....

FontOfAllEvil Fri 07-Oct-11 22:52:02

Has anyone mentioned that on page one Chaos clearly states that she had a glass of cava and toasted someones house. I don't blame the toaster for fecking off after that.

HowlmoaneeChainClanger Fri 07-Oct-11 22:52:36

Have just caught up on this thread from earlier.

Am grinning from ear to ear. Havent laughed so much in ages.

But i do hope you work out who the napper is/where the toaster has disappeared to.

Have you checked the fridge? That's where I usually keep my clingfilm, slightly more absent minded and I can imagine something like a toaster going in

DemonMousse Fri 07-Oct-11 22:57:19

Vampirecella have always wanted to watch a phone booth - can see one from my bedroom window - will keep an eye.

[you can relay on me emoticon]

Is this the spooky halloween thread? Because it's definitely strange but do't think I will be havnig nightmares

Vampirecella Fri 07-Oct-11 22:58:36

CTR is not replying to texts now. Never mind this thread....

When do we need to send out a search and rescue party? Do we worry that she might have been silenced <gulp> for talking about it on here?

Not silenced Vampirecella



Vampirecella Fri 07-Oct-11 22:58:36
CTR is not replying to texts now. Never mind this thread....

Could it be as simple as her phone has eloped with the toaster? Let's not get hysterical now

Bohica Fri 07-Oct-11 23:15:08

Oh FroOOOOOtshoOOOOOOts has beaten me to it with the early Halloween name change, I planned to be Booooooooohica a week before halloween.

<makes toast whilst going back to the drawing board>

Check the garden Chaos DC love to take random kitchen items there. Ok, they have never taken an eletrical appliance but worth a look, we currently have a pint glass, potatoe masher and 4 forks on the garden table to make wine with our garden grapes.

DemonMousse Fri 07-Oct-11 23:15:58

She might have gone to bed.......(in tears at having only bread and pepper jam to look forward to in the morning).

NotJustClassic Fri 07-Oct-11 23:17:07

...checks own toaster is not acting suspiciously...

ChippingIn Fri 07-Oct-11 23:18:18

I worry about you, I really do!

FroOOOOOtshoOOOOOOts Fri 07-Oct-11 23:49:07
KatieMiddleton Sat 08-Oct-11 00:52:55

I love this thread.

ThePopsicleKat Sat 08-Oct-11 01:31:32

This is how I imagine your toaster.

Running away to fulfill its life-long dream of being a historical reenactor.

giraffesCantDookForApples Sat 08-Oct-11 01:41:29

Can you stop this thead? - its making me want toast and I have no bread

You can't stop what's already started. The coordinates are real. Find me if you dare.

Just 5 hours 19 minutes until sunrise. Tick tock, tick tock <menacing tone>

EmpressOfTheVampireSkulls Sat 08-Oct-11 03:02:04

Oh blimey.

Just laboriously worked out the coordinates and I think the toaster's being held hostage at Balmoral.

Any Scottish MNers who can do a mercy dash?

EmpressOfTheVampireSkulls Sat 08-Oct-11 03:10:27

I would speculate about who's got it but I saw the bit about not guessing the kidnapper's true identity.

lardedah Sat 08-Oct-11 03:59:37

pmsl i just found this!


trumpton Sat 08-Oct-11 07:21:46

LINKED I think this is taking on all the hallmarks of an international conspiracy < throws own toaster away in pre-emptive move> < eats cereal >

You failed to attend the rendezvous and there was not so much as a text from Justine to open up negotiations... so I have had no choice but to give your toaster The Treatment.

There is a new photo showing exactly what's happened to your beloved toaster on my profile.

<cackles maniacally>

Damn you Empress you meddler! Even if you find me you'll never catch me!

ScaredTEECat Sat 08-Oct-11 08:40:24

::hides face::

I can't look! That poor poor toaster. sniff

Will you at least return the remains you evil evil toaster stealer? So we can give it a decent burial?

ZombiesAtYourCervix Sat 08-Oct-11 09:08:28

IHave Your Toaster.

I Know where you are but I have sprung a leak.

I am intrigued as to how you appear to have the whole contense of a garage (including drum-kit and amp, on your boat.

HowlmoaneeChainClanger Sat 08-Oct-11 09:26:12

Poor toaster.

Poor Cauldrons - whatever will she do without her morning toast?

CaveMum Sat 08-Oct-11 09:43:33

Balmoral? Has the Queen started holding innocent toasters to ransom in order to get more put of the public purse?! Or is Prince Philip just playing silly buggers again hmm

minimuffy Sat 08-Oct-11 09:51:40


i did mean rough honest! but boiler check man came to the door!

have been playing with DD in bed,as a scottish mum we could have went a wee run in the car to balmoral to save the toaster! <weeps at not being able to save toaster and having cuddles with DD instead>

ScaredBear Sat 08-Oct-11 09:57:01

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EmpressOfTheVampireSkulls Sat 08-Oct-11 10:07:05

His profile says 90 year old man. Prince Philip kidnapped the toaster.

But why...?

CroissantNeuf Sat 08-Oct-11 10:28:40

Has the toaster turned up?

I'm looking for inspiration as DS has lost his trainers . I've turned the house upside down and can't find themconfused


I have worked it all out. Thus us the start of the machines taking over, is the toaster made by Skynet?

EmpressOfTheVampireSkulls Sat 08-Oct-11 10:44:18

That would make Prince Philip a robot...

TeamEdward Sat 08-Oct-11 10:52:09

That would answer a few questions though, Empress.
Obviously has a malfunctioning politeness protocol installed.

Hungrydragon Sat 08-Oct-11 11:51:47

Now unlike the rest of this thread, Prince Phillip being an appliance rustling assassin robot does make sense

EduStudent Sat 08-Oct-11 12:02:44

Hugrydragon I don't know whether to be impressed or concerned by how much sense it makes compared to most of the other theories...

EmpressOfTheVampireSkulls Sat 08-Oct-11 12:12:07

We need Justine.

Although if it's a robot we're dealing with maybe we actually need the Techs?

EmpressOfTheVampireSkulls Sat 08-Oct-11 12:16:07

Has anyone seen CTR? Surely she hasn't gone to Balmoral by herself...

Alright you pesky kids you may know who I am but you are powerless to stop me! Mwaughhhhhhha!

And now away! <swirls cloak> There is domestic detritus and small electrical appliances aplenty in need of removal from perfectly sensible places. No good jug, lid, remote control, grater, tea spoon, biscuit cutter, or toaster is immune from me. I can strike at any time.

<pauses briefly to update profile and photos>


EmpressOfTheVampireSkulls Sat 08-Oct-11 13:00:38


KatieMiddleton Sat 08-Oct-11 13:07:53

This made discussion of the day!

EmpressOfTheVampireSkulls Sat 08-Oct-11 13:14:08

It ought to make Talk roundup too!

KatieMiddleton... This must come as quite a shock to you. Or did you suspect?

KatieMiddleton Sat 08-Oct-11 13:18:46

The firm is a closed circle and as such does not comment.

Hungrydragon Sat 08-Oct-11 13:34:30

Katie...how can you stand by and let this happen? shock

KatieMiddleton Sat 08-Oct-11 13:37:36

I am a victim too you know. I have to get up and walk across the room myself to turn the telly on and off and adjust the volume <breaks down sobbing>

Hungrydragon Sat 08-Oct-11 13:40:36

Poor Katie

No wonder you post here for support sad
<strokes Katies hair>

So Wills, human or robot?

MrHeadlessMan Sat 08-Oct-11 13:44:56

There's only one answer. Only a man and his dog made out of plasticine could solve a problem like this. Does Gromit have an MN profile?

Have you looked in the cupboard under the sink? Whenever an appliance goes missing from my worktop - it is always in the cupboard under the sink.

And check your outside bin, in case someone broke the toaster and is lying to you.

And, if that fails - pay the ransom.

Collision Sat 08-Oct-11 13:49:00

Is it still missing? How very odd.

LadyClariceCannockMonty Sat 08-Oct-11 13:51:13

Nothing to add; just marking place. Am fascinated. and should be working but this is so much more fun

arfur Sat 08-Oct-11 14:12:12

Ok just a couple of ideas, any sleepwalkers in your house? And, ahem, have you checked the fridge? I found some mail in our fridge yesterday that only I could have put there, unfortunately DH was walking past at the exact moment I opened the door and has been ridiculing me ever since .... well I have told him the dcs are driving me nuts blush

CaveMum Sat 08-Oct-11 14:47:28

So is Prince Philip also Lord Voldemort? (cape swirling antics make me suspicious)

[proud of self for figuring out the identity of the appliance thief. I SO should have been in the Scooby Gang]

Fiderer Sat 08-Oct-11 14:49:53

Perhaps he went to the great Toaster Home in the sky. But be not sad, for he is with friends.

minimuffy Sat 08-Oct-11 14:59:10

have you checked all electrical repair shops? maybe he's in a toaster coma?

EmpressOfTheVampireSkulls Sat 08-Oct-11 15:00:25

If Prince Philip's Lord Voldemort someone should tell the Queen... Unless she already knows. Congratulations CaveMum (equally proud of self for working out map reference)

BoffinMum Sat 08-Oct-11 15:44:31

Has it morphed into a shirt then travelled across time? grin If so, it appeared in my house a couple of weeks ago ...

KatieMiddleton Sat 08-Oct-11 15:51:32

Yy the OS reference working out was v impressive. I vaguely remembering doing it at school and in the Guides but I would not have had a clue how to work it out now.

flamingtoaster Sat 08-Oct-11 15:58:08

Are you sure it's missing and not just invisible? We really can't have appliances going invisible - what if the washing machine did it with clothes inside? Maybe you should contact Watchdog to ask that manufacturers redesign to make sure appliances just can't go invisible/missing. By the way if they go invisible they are not fit for purpose and you could ask for a refund or replacement.

DanFmDorking Sat 08-Oct-11 16:14:33

Be patient, it might pop up somewhere.

CaveMum Sat 08-Oct-11 16:15:11

[pats Empress on the back for working out the map reference]

Couldn't have done it without ya kid wink

EmpressOfTheVampireSkulls Sat 08-Oct-11 17:09:17


architien Sat 08-Oct-11 17:11:15

Fiderer Excellent pic.

BerylOfLaughs Sat 08-Oct-11 17:17:55

What the hell? Where the frick is your toaster?

EmpressOfTheVampireSkulls Sat 08-Oct-11 17:23:23

Nothing from Cauldrons since yesterday. Is anyone else getting worried?

Did IHaveYourToaster kidnap Cauldrons too? Or perhaps it's a new kidnapper, working in tandem with the toaster rustler and will show up with the NN IHaveYourCauldron...

EmpressOfTheVampireSkulls Sat 08-Oct-11 17:42:04

Quick useful summary: the toasternapper is Prince Philip. As far as we can make out he's a robot trying to round up small domestic appliances to assist in his revolution. He wanted Cauldrons to go to Balmoral with his ransom.

I'm worried that she did...

what if he turns her into a robot?

EmpressOfTheVampireSkulls Sat 08-Oct-11 17:43:03

Sephrenia, that's an even scarier thought.

madam52 Sat 08-Oct-11 17:47:51

grin at Danfmdorking

'It might pop up somewhere'

Well done Dan.

Get it ?? - Well done , Pop up

Like as in toast ??

No ?

Oh please yourself.

madam52 Sat 08-Oct-11 17:53:58

Did anyone else see 'Sleeping with the Enemy' where psycho DH let Julia Roberts know he had tracked her down by breaking into her new single pad and straightening all the towels pefectly on her bathroom rail.

Cauldrons is your DP a - how can we say - tidy man ?

SeymoreBats Sat 08-Oct-11 18:16:25

Surely it caught fire, and some poor soul was forced to tear it from the wall, and run from the house screaming, holding aloft a toaster fireball.

This is what I would have assumed if I returned home to a missing toaster.

I'm loving the way that the kidnapper has got drawn into other discussions on MN while he's here - very Despicable Me.

Hungrydragon Sat 08-Oct-11 18:27:31

Yes, but in the event of fireball one of the chaotics would surely have mentioned it? Removing infernos does not slip the mind.

SeymoreBats Sat 08-Oct-11 18:31:30

You haven't met my DH hungrydragon....

DanFmDorking Sat 08-Oct-11 18:39:17

Thanks madam52, giggle

madam52 Sat 08-Oct-11 18:48:39

Cauldron has anyone approached you with a power of attorney form? Are you very wealthy ? Do you think someone is trying to unhinge you till you seemingly have some sort of breakdown ( as in - 'there there Cauldron dont be silly - there's no such thing as a vanishing toaster - just sign this cheque btw please' ).

Even my DH is now worried about Cauldron and the toaster.

Do we need a search party?

AuntieMaggie Sat 08-Oct-11 18:50:57

Am genuinely intrigued to know where the toaster has gone!

Skiing At least your DH cares. Mine asked me if we were all on some collective acid trip. hmm


ScaredTEECat Sat 08-Oct-11 19:06:28

IHaveYourCauldrons I am suspicious as you don't have a profile. Must try harder.

EmpressOfTheVampireSkulls Sat 08-Oct-11 19:06:52


They've GOT her!!!!!!!!!!

KatieMiddleton Sat 08-Oct-11 19:08:16

Yes there is no dedication shown there. I cry imposter! grin

EmpressOfTheVampireSkulls Sat 08-Oct-11 19:11:06

Hadn't noticed that. <applauds ScaredTEECat's deductive powers>

Or I'm trying to lull you into a false sense of security... Double bluff, anyone?

But that's fine, if you don't want to hear about my ransom demands.....

<Whistles whilst heating up liquid magma for Cauldron>

ScaredTEECat Sat 08-Oct-11 19:21:02

Thank you Empress. ::pulls deerstalker over eyes and lights pipe::

As I perceive it, that toaster in the final picture is a ringer, a poor innocent toaster who gave his life so Cauldron's toaster may live. We must redouble our efforts, lads!

::rushes off muttering about Scotland Yard and Lestrade::

EmpressOfTheVampireSkulls Sat 08-Oct-11 19:23:46

<gazes warily at IHYC>

So what do you want?

KatieMiddleton Sat 08-Oct-11 19:26:01

Hmmm IHaveYourToaster and IHaveYourCaldrons are not the same person. They have different labelly whatsits on their names.

Is it too soon to suggest one or both is a hoax? shock

EmpressOfTheVampireSkulls Sat 08-Oct-11 19:26:55

But if it's a hoax... where's the toaster????

Oh this is all so much bigger than the toaster.......

<Rubs hands>

You don't know what you've stepped into now, my pretties.... <Cackles>

KatieMiddleton Sat 08-Oct-11 19:34:08

Cripes there's another profile...

EmpressOfTheVampireSkulls Sat 08-Oct-11 19:34:54

Tell us your ransom demands.

ScaredTEECat Sat 08-Oct-11 19:36:32

Oh dear...

EmpressOfTheVampireSkulls Sat 08-Oct-11 19:39:47

I've just reported this thread for Classics.

Do you have your fountain pens ready?

<Clears throat>

Je voudrais.....

1. Two frogs' legs (The legs of 2 frogs)
2. 1 billion yen.
3. A pot of Yeo Valley yoghurt.
4. Snogs with tongues from the lot of ya.

I can do the snogs and the yoghurt grin

SecretNutellaFix Sat 08-Oct-11 19:54:53

Just out of interest IHAVE. About a year or so ago, did you take my quiche tin? and replace it with a random large glass pan lid?

<Taps foot impatiently>

And then.....?

No. I don't deal with such things as quiche tins. They are below me.

SecretNutellaFix Sat 08-Oct-11 19:56:48

I'll have you know it made a very good quiche before it was stolen vanished. In the singular. angry

<stomps off, nose in the air>

Hungrydragon Sat 08-Oct-11 20:03:05

<laughs as Nutella trips over abandoned pan lid>

EmpressOfTheVampireSkulls Sat 08-Oct-11 20:05:58

I can do snog too, and a frog. The yen are a bit trickier.

FontOfAllEvil Sat 08-Oct-11 20:07:55

This thread is like a toast based episode of 24.

EmpressOfTheVampireSkulls Sat 08-Oct-11 20:08:42

I can do snog too, and a frog. The yen are a bit trickier.

EmpressOfTheVampireSkulls Sat 08-Oct-11 20:09:49

I can do snog too, and the frogs. The yen are a bit trickier.

notevenamousie Sat 08-Oct-11 20:11:32

You can have my toaster. It fuses the whole house every time I use it. Come to think of it, I am not sure why it's still taking up space on my kitchen worktop. But it'd be free to a good home. <Wonders if toasters are like pets, where saying, never mind, you can get another cat is Not Sympathetic the day after little pusskins meets his end.>

EmpressOfTheVampireSkulls Sat 08-Oct-11 20:11:50

Sorry phone acting up.

Vampirecella Sat 08-Oct-11 20:12:11

Fret not too much people...Chaos has been busy in RL meeting and not licking Kevin McCloud.

I'm sure she'll update us wen she gets home and gets the Chaotics to bed if it's still missing....or if any more ransoms have been demanded...confused

SecretNutellaFix Sat 08-Oct-11 20:15:00

<flings spare ramekin at Hungrydragon>

EmpressOfTheVampireSkulls Sat 08-Oct-11 20:15:39

Then it is a hoax. Unless Chaos never reached Kevin McCloud... Maybe she was intercepted on the way!

TheOriginalFAB Sat 08-Oct-11 20:20:53



Hungrydragon Sat 08-Oct-11 20:32:49


CaveMum Sat 08-Oct-11 20:52:21

Maybe Kevin McCloud is a minion of the Dark Lord kidnapper??!! [worried face]

Isn't a billion yen like £5 anyway?

[closes eyes and puckers up]

SayGhoulNowSayWitch Sat 08-Oct-11 20:55:12

We've found Chaos' toaster. It's on top of one of Mischa's head in XFactor.

EmpressOfTheVampireSkulls Sat 08-Oct-11 21:01:24

I think a yen is about 42p? We need to start fundraising.

Maybe Mischa's a minion too. Can we infiltrate X factor?

ScaredTEECat Sat 08-Oct-11 21:07:26

According to xe.com:

1,000,000,000.00 JPY = 8,379,040.05 GBP
Japanese Yen British Pound
1 JPY = 0.00837904 GBP 1 GBP = 119.345 JPY

CaveMum Sat 08-Oct-11 21:11:31

So, more than £5 then? [turns piggy bank upside down and shakes it]

HowlmoaneeChainClanger Sat 08-Oct-11 21:12:40

I would willingly give the frogs legs, have loads in my ponbd so they would be fresh.

Not so willingly the snog blush, but would do it with a smile for Cauldrons.

CauldronsTrulyReign Sat 08-Oct-11 21:15:59


CauldronsTrulyReign Sat 08-Oct-11 21:17:38

The Dualit has landed.

KatieMiddleton Sat 08-Oct-11 21:19:43

Hurrah she's safe and this is in Classics!

Tell all Chaos

CauldronsTrulyReign Sat 08-Oct-11 21:23:52

Heh Heh.

See this right cheek??

I'll never wash again.

No way.

No how.

ScaredTEECat Sat 08-Oct-11 21:24:42

Did you find it? Or did you buy a new one?

If it's a new one, do make sure it's secured to the counter. I'd hate for this one to be kidnapped also. wink

Wait, if Cauldrons is posting, then who was giving out ransom demands? Shouldn't you be tied up? hmm

crazynannawitchbitch Sat 08-Oct-11 21:28:09

Revenge for being anti-lower case <nods sagely>

EmpressOfTheVampireSkulls Sat 08-Oct-11 21:29:01

How did you escape? We don't know whether the toaster's alive or dead.

EmpressOfTheVampireSkulls Sat 08-Oct-11 21:29:43

But we do know who took it.

Dammit! <Wrestles computer from Chaos's grasp>

Vampirecella Sat 08-Oct-11 21:29:49

So what the Jeff happened? Tell us dammit.

Fotget about Kevin. Thats for another thread !

<puts Yeo Valley yoghurt back in the fridge>

I'm not giving up the yoghurt if you're not even kidnapped wink

Gimme my jeffing yoghurt!

CauldronsTrulyReign Sat 08-Oct-11 21:31:11

As much as I'd love to say that it was

pyromanical chaotics,
Prince Phillip,
Doctor Who,
a shirtshifter hmm.

The solution was much closer to home.


MilkNoSugarPlease Sat 08-Oct-11 21:32:31

It had never moved had it grin

crazynannawitchbitch Sat 08-Oct-11 21:32:48

Had to look up 'pyromanical' blush

CauldronsTrulyReign Sat 08-Oct-11 21:33:00

After Kevin had smooched my chee, and given me a comradely punch on the tigh, I had to vivist 31 shops to find 500 non-sequential sheets of ham.

That's why I am so very late.

<hides yoghurt behind the cheese>

Nope, I'm not giving you the yoghurt. I need proof you still have Cauldrons!

Don't tell them Chaos...

<Waves anti-Cauldron magma-infused missile launcher menacingly>

CauldronsTrulyReign Sat 08-Oct-11 21:34:11

Milk, it was back in it's rightful position!

Well actually 1.37 cms to left, but I am anal about appliance positioning.

EmpressOfTheVampireSkulls Sat 08-Oct-11 21:34:24

No, it looks like IHYC still has her. Maybe he drugged her and she dreamed she met Kevin.

<Pulls trigger>

Oh crap.

It's my fault isn't it? All because I wanted the damned yoghurt <cries>

ColdSancerre Sat 08-Oct-11 21:36:21

So where had it been? Has it a tan now?

Vampirecella Sat 08-Oct-11 21:38:02

I feat she is drunk on Kevin lurve. Doubt we ll get any sense from her tonight....

Was there a tea towel over tbe toaster? Is that why you thought it was missing?

<Kicks apart bits of Cauldron dismissively>

CauldronsTrulyReign Sat 08-Oct-11 21:39:30


KatieMiddleton Sat 08-Oct-11 21:39:47

You don't mean it was never missing at all? shock

<enigmatic pause>

Unless that is what Prince Phillip IHaveYourToaster wants you to believe...

PetisaPumpkinHead Sat 08-Oct-11 21:40:50

<dies from suspense>

CauldronsTrulyReign Sat 08-Oct-11 21:40:57

Actuslly, I'm a leetle bit proud of the old thing.

It was fulfilling a unfulfilled yen of it's.

Charidee work.


IHYT may or may not be involved.....

<Even more enigmatic pause>

EmpressOfTheVampireSkulls Sat 08-Oct-11 21:41:36


CauldronsTrulyReign Sat 08-Oct-11 21:41:36

Oh yeah, it was missing, I didn't wake up with Bobby in the shower.

crazynannawitchbitch Sat 08-Oct-11 21:42:16

Your neighbour half-hinched it innit?

CauldronsTrulyReign Sat 08-Oct-11 21:42:20

My mom had borrowed it!


KatieMiddleton Sat 08-Oct-11 21:42:44

Stop playing with us! Haven't we suffered enough?!

CauldronsTrulyReign Sat 08-Oct-11 21:43:45

Strange you should say that.

I saw my neighbour at the NEC today, but forgot to mention the overhanging bush that has been tasked to me.

Thanks DH.

KatieMiddleton Sat 08-Oct-11 21:44:07

Your mum is Prince Philip? confused

I have just received an e-mail from the European Court of Toaster Rights. I am to present myself at the court to face charges of genocide. I am being held fully responsible for the execution of the toaster and Cauldrons.

I have no right of appeal as toasters, being a minority, have far more rights than I do. I'd ask for the help of a Toaster Rights lawyer, but as I got its owner kicked apart due to selfishly holding onto a yoghurt, I doubt there is any credible defence that can be presented to help keep me from being sentenced to... The Kitchen.


IStillHaveYourToaster Sat 08-Oct-11 21:44:48


<Wonders why IHC is still posting>

Vampirecella Sat 08-Oct-11 21:45:15

Tsk. Bobby in the shower...Kevin fir breakfast.

What does Mr Truly Reigns have to say about this all...?

<selfishly ignores that all has been revealed and has x-posted with Cauldrons>

EmpressOfTheVampireSkulls Sat 08-Oct-11 21:46:09

Maybe her mum was replaced by one of Prince Philip's robots.

Pass the yoghurt, Sephrenia, and all might will be forgiven....

And the snogs

<quickly passes the yoghurt>

You'll drop the charges now, right?

CauldronsTrulyReign Sat 08-Oct-11 21:47:49


In words of one sylallable.

My mom was asked to take a toaster to help out at a Charity Full English Breakfast for Saga louts this morning.

Apparently my toaster is naicer than hers hmm, so she decided to borrow it to pass of as hers.

She didn't want to trouble me on my mobile, as it might worry me, as they're "surely for urgent stuff, and she wouldn't want me to think dad had had a stroke or something".

So just came and nabbed it as she knew I wouldn't mind.


Right, that's enough, Chaos. Back into your cell.

ScaredTEECat Sat 08-Oct-11 21:50:14

Your mom is Prince Philip? confused

CauldronsTrulyReign Sat 08-Oct-11 21:50:40

I actually did not know she had a key. Must be from Whit week.

Let alone remember an alarm code.


She can't even remember my name half the time, and I'm an only child.

I'm often called "Fido, Tiddles, Chaos". hmm

CauldronsTrulyReign Sat 08-Oct-11 21:51:34

No, not the nipple camps again, IHYC.

I will lick your boots.

[pinky promise]

ScaredTEECat Sat 08-Oct-11 21:52:05

Okay. I am mildly disturbed that I am finding the truth is actually funnier than the maniacs on this thread!

I swear my mom is just so boring!!!

ColdSancerre Sat 08-Oct-11 21:52:49

My mother does that with names, but then am youngest of three and she has had more dogs and cats than kids so I forgive her.

<Holds out nipple tassles>

You know what to do.....

I agree with you Scared, the truth is funnier but then, some of the theories on here have been masterful grin

<wibbles in the corner while waiting to see if IHYC will drop the charges>

smackapacca Sat 08-Oct-11 21:54:19

SO - your toaster is back due to a high profile search, and much cash/promotion being pumped into the search.

What about the missing cheese graters/flan 'bottoms'/flowery plates et al.

It's like in Comic Relief once Lenny Henry has left Africa.

EmpressOfTheVampireSkulls Sat 08-Oct-11 21:55:59

Yes. Prince Philip replaced Chaos's mum with a toasternapping robot. But where does IHYC fit in?

Where don't I fit in.....?

<Maniacal laugh>

ScaredTEECat Sat 08-Oct-11 21:57:46

CS I'm the youngest of 6. My mom does okay but my dad usually starts with his sister and brother and then his own children before finding the right name!

EmpressOfTheVampireSkulls Sat 08-Oct-11 22:01:51

And we made Classics grin

Just taking off my manic / kidnapping hat for a swift moment... what's with all the "mom" talk?

KatieMiddleton Sat 08-Oct-11 22:11:47

Just think, if Chaos' mother had been familiar with the social conventions regarding toaster borrowing and use of the mobile phone we'd never have got up to 400 posts of utter, deliciousness bonkersness.

THANK YOU Old ma Chaos grin

trumpton Sat 08-Oct-11 22:12:22

I know a mother who calls her DD Willybelle.This is the beginning of her DS's name and the end of her DD's name. DD has been known to answer to aforementioned
" Willybelle".

All my DC answer to each others names. < They know which side their bread is buttered >

Mani*a*c not manic

Hungrydragon Sat 08-Oct-11 22:21:32

No, no, no, no!

Chaos's Mum is the Queen, Chaos is the love child of Elvis Presley and Her Maj. (True Story) Hence all the conspiracy theories did/didn't he come to England.

She borrowed the toaster for charidee, robot Prince Phillip then malfunctioned taking said toaster, and demanding cash. Priscilla Presley was at the charity event and overheard the Phillipbot scanning Chaos' DNA during his initial malfunction.

Priscilla, concerned about her inheritance then hired IHYC to kidnap Chaos using IHYT as a deluded sock puppet.

Now does everyone understand?

ScaredTEECat Sat 08-Oct-11 22:21:54

Well I'm American, hence the mom from me. Don't know about Chaos.

WakeMeUpWhenSeptemberEnds Sat 08-Oct-11 22:22:29

Love it.

Tis true, Priscilla is my boss, true as toasted toads.

CauldronsTrulyReign Sat 08-Oct-11 22:27:01

Hey if, yow'm from the Black Cuntry, it's mom.

<<stares hardly>>

CauldronsTrulyReign Sat 08-Oct-11 22:28:06


Just sayin.

You ain't in no position to be mouthy beeyatch......

<Grabs Chaos by the ear menacingly>

CauldronsTrulyReign Sat 08-Oct-11 22:32:51

<<alopogises for apostrohpe misplacement>>


<sniggers at alopogises>

EmpressOfTheVampireSkulls Sat 08-Oct-11 22:35:25

That makes perfect sense, Hungrydragon.

Hungrydragon Sat 08-Oct-11 22:37:01

Simple, really when you look at it logically.

Chaos did you mean
<hard Stare> as in menacing?

or actually

<Stares hardly> as in you weren't really looking?

CauldronsTrulyReign Sat 08-Oct-11 22:39:32

Menacing Hungry.


<<taps noseside>>

EmpressOfTheVampireSkulls Sat 08-Oct-11 22:41:42

So Chaos still needs rescuing?


Hungrydragon Sat 08-Oct-11 22:44:26

I'm not sure, Chaos and IHYC seem quite happy. Could be Stockholm Syndrome though, we could do real damage intervening now.

EmpressOfTheVampireSkulls Sat 08-Oct-11 22:47:28

We'd have to work out where they are before anything else, anyway.

Does this mean we still have to find the Yen?

EmpressOfTheVampireSkulls Sat 08-Oct-11 22:52:42

Think so. And a trauma counsellor. We could have a cake sale...

Chaos, what can you see?

hester Sat 08-Oct-11 22:58:29

Genius thread [applauds]

CauldronsTrulyReign Sat 08-Oct-11 22:59:15

A big bush.



Hungrydragon Sat 08-Oct-11 23:03:00

Ok stop looking down Chaos

All that tells us is that you're naked, tied to a chair and drunk.

Hungrydragon Sat 08-Oct-11 23:03:19

...and you should try veet

<is crying with laughter at Hungrydragon>

Best. Response. Ever! grin

CauldronsTrulyReign Sat 08-Oct-11 23:04:37


EmpressOfTheVampireSkulls Sat 08-Oct-11 23:05:18

You were right Hungrydragon. He's still got her. We need a rescue plan.

Hungrydragon Sat 08-Oct-11 23:10:30

Well I'm not going! She's technically not speaking to me! <petulant> grin

EmpressOfTheVampireSkulls Sat 08-Oct-11 23:13:57

She answered your question about the stare. We need your brain on this, you're the one who worked out it was Priscilla.

Well, let me know who's going so I can give them the sneakily hidden Yeo Valley yoghurt for the ransom. In the meantime, I'm off to bed grin

EmpressOfTheVampireSkulls Sat 08-Oct-11 23:27:27

Night Sephrenia.

G'night Empress <waves>

EmpressOfTheVampireSkulls Sat 08-Oct-11 23:30:18

<waves back>

Hungrydragon Sat 08-Oct-11 23:31:17

Oh ok, I'll sleep on it and try to work out where she is.

EmpressOfTheVampireSkulls Sat 08-Oct-11 23:33:31

Thank you. I'll try to work out how to raise the yen.

blackeyedsusan Sat 08-Oct-11 23:55:00

your mum?

<imagines trying to explain that to the police after thinking you must have been burgled> did she not think?

oh well, best laugh in ages. [susie no mates emotion]

Oh my lord. . .

NormanBatesTheForeman Sun 09-Oct-11 00:09:04

Have been following this thread with interest. Would just like to say if toaster has been used for full English breakfast provision, then you can't say fairer than that! Yes, I know you could have been forewarned, but really - full English breakfast? Yummmmmmmm.........

Hope they provided lots of brew with it....... wink

JustineMumsnet (MNHQ) Sun 09-Oct-11 00:13:53

If you're still looking for ransom money I've got a few Croatian Kuna and a tube of Downing Street choc chip cookies that GB sent over after biscuitgate (almost certainly past their sell by though). Happy to lob em in...

Hungrydragon Sun 09-Oct-11 00:20:26

Justine shock

Is it really MNHQ practise to give in to kidnap demands? Chaos is a very lucky Mnetter.

EmpressOfTheVampireSkulls Sun 09-Oct-11 00:23:42

Thanks Justine.

ScaredTEECat Sun 09-Oct-11 00:26:21

Downing Street has their own choc chip cookies? Are they signed by GB? Because that's surely worth a billion yen...

crazynannawitchbitch Sun 09-Oct-11 00:27:04

I have 100 Jamaican dollars you can have. It's about 30p but hey,every little helps wink

EmpressOfTheVampireSkulls Sun 09-Oct-11 00:30:43

Thanks crazynanna.

IHTC. Instead of the billion yen would you accept the GB biscuits, the kuna, the dollars and a visit to Mumsnet Towers?

BestisWest Sun 09-Oct-11 00:34:21

Gawd I love Mumsnet.

I'll have the biscuits Justine. For services rendered.

<says no more>


<Forcibly pushes IHYT out the way>

I'll take the biscuits and the YeoValley yoghurt

Although I have to say Chaos doesn't seem to want to go anywhere. She's sitting playing with the nipple tassels and swigging Merlot. It's a pretty sight...

<Taps foot impatiently>

No biscuits appear to be forthcoming....

ZombiesAtYourCervix Sun 09-Oct-11 10:15:28

Can someone give me a synopsis of ToasterGate please. Been at work. Was so worried about the poor toaster I couldn't keep my mind on the job and might have dropped some important things.

EmpressOfTheVampireSkulls Sun 09-Oct-11 10:37:01


Chaos's mum borrowed the toaster for a charity event. The robot Prince Philip, who was at the event, malfunctioned and kidnapped it, leaving a ransom demand. Priscilla Presley, who was also there, realised that Chaos was the lovechild of Elvis and the Queen so got her kidnapped to protect her (P's) inheritance.

Chaos is currently in the power of IHYC.

Think that sums it up (and the first sentence is definitely true!)

EmpressOfTheVampireSkulls Sun 09-Oct-11 10:38:20

IHYC, will you release her in exchange for the biscuits?

I believe I've made that clear. However there seems to be a) a lack of forthcoming biscuits; and b) a severe lack of wanting to escape on Chaos' part.

She's now happily capitalising all the literature in my lair.

ZombiesAtYourCervix Sun 09-Oct-11 10:54:37

that makes a whole lot of sense Empress.

I also have some Croatian kuna and some asda smartprice caramel wafers to add to the ransom fund.

ScaredTEECat Sun 09-Oct-11 11:10:37

Is Croatian Kuna the latest MN must have? Will it be listed on the next Swears By email?

EmpressOfTheVampireSkulls Sun 09-Oct-11 11:14:06

Thank you Zombies.
IHaveYourToaster, we have no proof that you DO Have the toaster any more.
IHaveYourCauldrons, where do we bring the ransom?

EmpressOfTheVampireSkulls Sun 09-Oct-11 11:16:06

Hello ScaredTEECat.

Himalaya Sun 09-Oct-11 11:18:28

So relieved.

ScaredTEECat Sun 09-Oct-11 11:21:02

Hey Empress! How are you this fine rainy morning?

teahouse Sun 09-Oct-11 11:21:15

Can young Bill come IHYT?

PS: do you have my packets of risotto rice?

Hungrydragon Sun 09-Oct-11 11:29:42

Right this is ridiculous! I'm forming a search and rescue team, I'm googling Boden SWAT wear right now.

EmpressOfTheVampireSkulls Sun 09-Oct-11 11:31:16

TEE hanging out my washing with crossed fingers!
Young Bill? Risotto rice?

Hum. Methinks IHYT has been outed. But not me! Mwahahahaha.


Bring biscuits and yoghurt to the corner of Knockturn Alley. I'll be in Central Perk reading "Catcher in the Rye".

Hungrydragon Sun 09-Oct-11 12:15:09

Right I'm off

Chaaoooos I'm coming

<Dons menacing balaclava, sunglasses and head scarf in preparation>

EmpressOfTheVampireSkulls Sun 09-Oct-11 12:16:52

I'm coming too! <grabs yogurt from Sephrenia and runs>

<Polishes teaspoon in anticipation>

EmpressOfTheVampireSkulls Sun 09-Oct-11 12:23:11

Again, IHYT - if you want a ransom, prove you have the toaster!

EmpressOfTheVampireSkulls Sun 09-Oct-11 12:25:59

My phone has learnt the word 'toasternapping'.

Methought the toaster has been returned.

IHYT hasn't the balls for this kidnapping malarkey. Clearly just stuck in the middle of something..... wink

<Taps fingers>
<Stomach growls>

Ready for biscuits dunked in yoghurt!

EmpressOfTheVampireSkulls Sun 09-Oct-11 12:29:30

We're nearly there. But we're not handing over the ransom until we see Chaos.

I thought the toaster was back too, hence wanting proof.

I might have decorated her up a bit....


EmpressOfTheVampireSkulls Sun 09-Oct-11 12:44:12

As long as she's in one piece we don't mind her being orange. Or pumpkinny.

Oh I think I see you. This is me

EmpressOfTheVampireSkulls Sun 09-Oct-11 12:48:37

We see you. Where's Chaos?

Hungrydragon Sun 09-Oct-11 13:12:00

Why have you carved out Chaos head that wasn't in the deal
<with holds yoghurt>

Mmppff mmpfff mmppfff!

Yummy biscuits. Oh look! <points> Is that a NetMum invasion?

<Quickly steals yoghurt from distracted Honeydragon>

EmpressOfTheVampireSkulls Sun 09-Oct-11 13:17:14

<isn't falling for that trick. Grabs back yoghurt.>

Not until Chaos is with us and we know she's safe. And has her head.

Transaction complete. Chaos is free and no longer under my power. Whether she chooses to break free of her nipple tassels shackles and go forth is up to her.

EmpressOfTheVampireSkulls Sun 09-Oct-11 14:00:48

Hungrydragon, you take one hand, I'll take the other. Come on Chaos, you're safe now. Let's get you back to your toaster.

ToasterOfChaos Sun 09-Oct-11 14:19:01

Umm... I... umm... just wanted to say sorry for all this bother. MomOfChaos promised me a lovely holiday if I went quietly. RemoteOfMiddleton, BigLid and GravyBoat needed a break so they came too.

MomOfChaos got distracted by a brew and Phillipbot snaffled me. Luckilly MomOfChaos saw the glint of light from the sun reflecting off my shiny side and chased him down and got me back home safely.

RemoteOfMiddleton, GravyBoat and BigLid made it to the plane and are now sunning themselves in Malta.

I didn't get my promised holiday sad

Oh, and by the way IHYC, nipple tassle are de rigueur chez chaos. Not much of a torture really...

Oh Toaster sad How I have discovered this, much to my chagrin.... She tormented me, by giggling delightedly at the offending items, and proceeding to hypnotise me as she swirled them round and round...


EmpressOfTheVampireSkulls Sun 09-Oct-11 14:37:27

I'm glad you're all right ToasterofChaos but next time get MumofChaos to leave a note?

Hungrydragon Sun 09-Oct-11 15:02:21

I love a happy ending


EmpressOfTheVampireSkulls Sun 09-Oct-11 15:22:34

It's been an exciting adventure and now I think we all deserve lashings of gingerbeer.

Hungrydragon Sun 09-Oct-11 15:24:46

fuck of it's Mnet you know

lets get jolly shit faced on lashings of wine

I know I have that whole maniacal evil Cauldron-kidnapping thing going on.... But could I have some wine as well? <hopeful>

<Dreams of linking arms and skipping of into the sunset>

<has watched the pass-the-yoghurt game, the appearance of random currency and GB biscuits and wishes she'd been online in the middle of it all>

So, have we rescued Chaos AKA Cauldrons now?

Oh, and have the charges at the European Court of Toaster Rights been dropped?

EmpressOfTheVampireSkulls Sun 09-Oct-11 16:01:08

<gives wine to IHYC, Hungrydragon and Sephrenia.>

Yes, it was your noble donation of the yoghurt that won Chaos her freedom. She's back home with her toaster and her nipple tassels. In light of that they dropped all charges.

<takes a sip of the wine >

Hmm, Merlot I think wink

Anyway, I'm glad all the charges have been dropped and it's nice to know that the kidnapper let her keep the tassles. Nothing like a free gift to take away the trauma of being kidnapped grin

EmpressOfTheVampireSkulls Sun 09-Oct-11 16:08:36

Happy endings all round.

Did you take a look at the tassels? Rather tasteful, I feel. Linked upthread.

<Swigs wine> Thanks awfully! I say, it's jolly decent of you to give an old kidnapper some of the good stuff and let bygones be bygones etc. Gives one the old joie de vivre

What a happy time it has been. If only we had someone poetical to complete our saga with a little ditty.....

EmpressOfTheVampireSkulls Sun 09-Oct-11 16:25:04

Very tasteful, nice of you to give her a souvenir grin. Hm I'll see if I can come up with anything poetical.

SayGhoulNowSayWitch Sun 09-Oct-11 16:26:04

Goodness me, it's all been happening here, hasn't it...?


I see normality has been restored though....

EmpressOfTheVampireSkulls Sun 09-Oct-11 16:39:59

Yes everyone's safe now. Can't think of any poetry at the moment though.

ScaredTEECat Sun 09-Oct-11 17:02:30

Did someone say wine? Yes please!

Hmmm, poetry....

EmpressOfTheVampireSkulls Sun 09-Oct-11 17:03:42

Chaos and toaster are safely home,
After their kidnapping hassles.
The toaster missed out on its holiday
But Chaos got nipple tassels.

<realises someone's being left out and offers wine to IHYT>

EmpressOfTheVampireSkulls Sun 09-Oct-11 17:08:04

<and hands wine to TEE.>

CotherMuckingFunt Sun 09-Oct-11 17:08:06

<applauds Empress>


SayGhoulNowSayWitch Sun 09-Oct-11 17:09:27

Well done Empress! Luffly pome grin

ScaredTEECat Sun 09-Oct-11 17:12:41

Chaos awoke in a fluster
To find someone had taken her toaster
IHaveYourToaster confessed
And off Chaos jets
Only to be taken asunder.

IHaveYourCauldron rubs her hands and cackles
Offering Chaos some tassels
But only if given biscuits
As requested.

But on her was the jest
When Mom Chaos did confess
That the toaster was with her
Fighting the weather
And making full English for all.

It all came to an end with Toaster's return
With glass raised in a cheer
And so we all learn
That to Mom Chaos
A mobile is something quite furrin...

(Something is wrong with scansion, but it was the best I could do at short notice!)

ScaredTEECat Sun 09-Oct-11 17:13:09

OOps, Empress beat me to it while I was composing!

SayGhoulNowSayWitch Sun 09-Oct-11 17:15:34

Ooh, ver ver good, ScaredTEE.

EmpressOfTheVampireSkulls Sun 09-Oct-11 17:17:59

Brilliant TEE!

SayGhoulNowSayWitch Sun 09-Oct-11 17:19:56

There was a young Cauldron called Chaos
Whose toaster booked a holiday to Lagos
His plans went awry
And he disappeared, as did Chaos!

There then came a couple of trolls troublemakers
Who tried desperately to break us
With stealing of biscuits
And nipple tassel mischief
And an obsession with peppered toast for breakfast....

But Honey and Empress stood firm
And Serephinia has certainly learned
Not to negotiate with terrorists
(Even when Justine insists)
So a huge vat of wine we've all earned!

ScaredTEECat Sun 09-Oct-11 17:21:30

Even more brilliant SayGhoul!!!

EmpressOfTheVampireSkulls Sun 09-Oct-11 17:24:58


LynnCSchreiber Sun 09-Oct-11 17:55:17

I just got really excited when I saw this tweet Kettle on London Bridge

Cause I thought that Chaos's toaster might be there too...

EmpressOfTheVampireSkulls Sun 09-Oct-11 18:16:53

MmeLindor grin <looks round for IHYT to join in the party>

SayGhoulNowSayWitch Sun 09-Oct-11 18:27:04

Empress, shouldn't it be IHYK?? grin

<Strokes chin thoughtfully>

EmpressOfTheVampireSkulls Sun 09-Oct-11 18:29:46

IHYK? <thinks hard>

IHaveYourKettle Sun 09-Oct-11 18:32:39

Hehehehe..... Obviously grin

EmpressOfTheVampireSkulls Sun 09-Oct-11 18:36:50

Well that was my first thought but... Whose kettle? Is IHYK IHYT? <confused>

SayGhoulNowSayWitch Sun 09-Oct-11 18:51:32

I love this thread.

IHaveYourKettle Sun 09-Oct-11 18:53:46

Your kettle, Empress..... Bwahahahahaha.........

And no, I'm not IHYT.

But I might be IHYC

EmpressOfTheVampireSkulls Sun 09-Oct-11 18:58:22

<dashes to kitchen>
NO! You fiend! HELP!

Bravo SayGhoulNowSayWitch! grin

<looks down the thread>

The kettle has gone?!

Any ransom demands as of yet?

<Accepts wine>

<Dashes back to continue General Bad Deeds>

EmpressOfTheVampireSkulls Sun 09-Oct-11 19:32:51

No, can't see anything... What do you want IHYK? How can I save my kettle?

EmpressOfTheVampireSkulls Sun 09-Oct-11 19:54:28

We don't have any more GB biscuits.

SayGhoulNowSayWitch Sun 09-Oct-11 19:55:35

Think someone was yanking your chain, Empress. wink

EmpressOfTheVampireSkulls Sun 09-Oct-11 20:17:09

Then where's my kettle?

CauldronsTrulyReign Sun 09-Oct-11 20:41:49

You lot.


But arf at Chaos rhyming with Lagos.



EmpressOfTheVampireSkulls Sun 09-Oct-11 20:50:40

Chaos! Are you ok? How's the toaster? Oh, there's my kettle.

SayGhoulNowSayWitch Sun 09-Oct-11 21:04:13

Poetic licence, Chaos grin

EmpressOfTheVampireSkulls Sun 09-Oct-11 21:09:36

Chaos, are you going to show this thread to your mum?

Hungrydragon Sun 09-Oct-11 21:28:00

Chaos, are you going to show your nipple tassles to your Mum?

If you do show your nipple tassles to your mum, you have to take pics of her reaction grin

FellatioNelson Mon 10-Oct-11 05:46:27

I love this thread. so glad it is in classics. But what about Kevin? We need to talk about Kevin. grin Is there another thread? I am unsatiated.

ScaredTEECat Mon 10-Oct-11 06:15:18


FellatioNelson Mon 10-Oct-11 07:14:27

Yes Kevin! Kevin McLeod wot kissed Chaos.

EmpressOfTheVampireSkulls Mon 10-Oct-11 07:24:02

Kevin? confused

EmpressOfTheVampireSkulls Mon 10-Oct-11 07:33:10

Oh that Kevin, sorry. Not actually sure who he is tbh blush, Google's not that much help. The footballer?

FellatioNelson Mon 10-Oct-11 07:43:18

You don't know who Kevin grand Designs McLeod is? confused Don't you have a telly?

EmpressOfTheVampireSkulls Mon 10-Oct-11 07:55:45

No. Well we've got one that DD watches sometimes but can't remember the last time I did.

Thzumbiewitch Mon 10-Oct-11 08:00:49

Well that was half an hour I won't get back! grin
Glad you got your toaster back from your Mum Chaos - have you had your key back off her yet before she comes round and tidies your undies drawer when you're out?

Can't believe she didn't leave a note...

Maad mad thread - great fun!


You may think it's over..... But there is always one more battle....

Be afraid, be very afraid.

CotherMuckingFunt Mon 10-Oct-11 08:15:39

So where is my white spatula with the wooden handle then? Hmm? Hmm??

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Oh poo shits.

I mean this one?

<Whistles even more innocently>

madam52 Mon 10-Oct-11 08:55:51

grin grin cant believe this is still going long after OP solved. Funniest and best thread ever - who needs bitching ? I do Absolutely brilliant.

Btw - if I come back in a week - IHYRKU will you have morphed into IHYLADHPs ( I Have Your Lazy Arse Dear Husbands/Partners )

Please ?

pretty please ?


<Ponders expanding world-take-over enterprise>

Extrapolating from kitchen utensils?

An interesting thought.

What's in it for me, though, eh?? Eh?? <Folds arms>

EmpressOfTheVampireSkulls Mon 10-Oct-11 10:28:39

You could sell them to the Prince Philipbot to turn into robots as part of his plan to take over the world.

EmpressOfTheVampireSkulls Mon 10-Oct-11 11:22:27

I was looking back through the thread & realised that Ihavewelliesbutitssunny solved the mystery back on page 3.

Congratulations, Wellies, have a wine

RedRubyBlue Mon 10-Oct-11 11:44:28

Can we go down the pub now? Case solved and all that?

EmpressOfTheVampireSkulls Mon 10-Oct-11 11:47:32

OK. Anyone else coming?

madam52 Mon 10-Oct-11 11:59:05

IHYRKU - well he is an excellent joiner but wont do a fucking thing in our house so he would be very useful for fitting out your new HQ for world takeover.

I dont want him back mind till he is battered into submission agrees to start work on our extension that he has promised me for the last fucking 5 years.

Ta - right then - pub directions anyone ?

RedRubyBlue Mon 10-Oct-11 12:13:03

Mine's a Pernod and black and Caulds is partial to a Malibu and pineapple.

EmpressOfTheVampireSkulls Mon 10-Oct-11 12:45:31

Hey, I provided the last round of wine - someone else's turn now!

Mine's a Budweiser Ice.

funnyperson Mon 10-Oct-11 13:44:58

My toaster is under performing. It is in its place. It has not done charity work. It will not get into Oxford.

Hehehehe...... I love it when MNHQ join me in my world-domination schemes.....

<rubs hands and cackles>

Oh, good luck going to the pub, you lot. I've stolen all the glasses! Bwaahahaha!

Give them back!

Oh and IHYRKU, I have to report you to the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Toasters and Allied Kitchen Utensils. It's not right, having you coming along, haranguing poor, defenceless utensils like that.

Think of the spatulas people!

Power to the knives and forks!

Boost the spoons!

<starts frothing madly>

<wonders if she can get the Goddess Anoia in on this>

EmpressOfTheVampireSkulls Mon 10-Oct-11 17:20:15

IHYRKU, where do MNHQ come into this? What have you done to them?

Blimey! Are you lot still going? Such devotion to the cause. Whatever that may be wink

EmpressOfTheVampireSkulls Mon 10-Oct-11 17:56:58

I think this might be the most serious cause yet.

I think IHYRKU and the rest of the gang have infiltrated MNHQ.


The plot thickens...

EmpressOfTheVampireSkulls Mon 10-Oct-11 18:08:25

Yes it does.... IHYRKU, if you're there, WHAT DO YOU WANT and WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?


<Taps nose>

Just when you thought you were all safe....

That's right.....

I've hijacked MNHQ!

EmpressOfTheVampireSkulls Mon 10-Oct-11 18:22:13

You fiend! What are your demands?

<Scratches head>

I have to have more demands?

Can't a simple entrepreneur have a dream without specifying demands?


Maybe it's time I got out of this business. It's a fork eat fork world out there....

EmpressOfTheVampireSkulls Mon 10-Oct-11 18:31:02

You mean it was MNHQ you wanted all along?

I'll have you know that MNHQ fully endorse my taking over the world.

How do you know I'm NOT Justine Rebecca Olivia one of them?

IHYRKU has a point there Empress hmm

<watches suspiciously while hiding Yeo Valley yoghurts>

EmpressOfTheVampireSkulls Mon 10-Oct-11 18:53:57

Right <whispering>
I have to take DD to Scouts in a minute but when I get back, I need a team to infiltrate MNHQ and expose IHYRKU. We'll know her/him by the white spatula. It could be anyone from Justine to DuncanTech.

This is a dangerous mission and we may not come back alive (but a bunch of ghost MNers would work quite well for Hallowe'en)

<dons combat gear and puts camo paint on face>

Ready when you are grin

Err...can you remember where the hell I left my grappling hook?

IHaveYourGrapplingHook Mon 10-Oct-11 19:09:28


You mean this grappling hook ?


That's my grappling hook! <cries>

Empress, help!

IHaveEverythingOfYours Mon 10-Oct-11 19:29:17

It's too late. I have taken over the world.

Prepare for Armageddon.

Just as long as there aren't any zombies around.... I'm frickin terrified of zombies....

EmpressOfTheVampireSkulls Mon 10-Oct-11 19:40:34

Right. We have to act fast. Sephrenia, round up some zombies.

I'm going in.