Odd thing you've done, and then thought 'WTF did I do that?!'

(279 Posts)

I once found a white disc in the washing machine after a load had finished. Couldn't for the life of me work out what it was. So I licked it. Turns out it was a lemon scented bleach block for the toilet cistern. I'd scooped up the packet with the dirty washing. I don't usually lick random objects. It tasted a bit lemony, and not particularly fatal in case you were wondering.

ginmakesitallok Mon 15-Aug-11 21:38:44

Years ago I was having coffee with a very senior colleague - I calmly opened a sachet of sugar and poured it into the ashtray instead of into my cup......tit

DraculasMum Mon 15-Aug-11 21:39:24

ROFL grin

My dd had something in her hand and i couldnt work out what it was so licked it.. POO! Real actual POO!

bibbitybobbityhat Mon 15-Aug-11 21:40:24

grin at op.

Will come back after searching through the old archives.

LynetteScavo Mon 15-Aug-11 21:41:13

Last week I dropped some clothes at the charity shop and saw a yellow dice ashtray for £2, and bought it.

I have no fecking idea why.

I then told myself I would sell it on ebay and make a profit. Except someone is already selling them in any colour you want for £2.99.

Dracula, bahahahahahahaha! Do you want a lick of my cistern cleaner? <generous>

5inthebed Mon 15-Aug-11 21:44:03

Poo!!!! <boak>

I once had an interview for a telephone based ob, it was going really well, passed al the hard computer tests, manual test etc, then one of the interviewer asked "so how are you on the telephone" and I answered "Oh I hate taling on telephones, I get all flabbergasted" <sigh>

Such a self sabotager

DraculasMum Mon 15-Aug-11 21:45:35

<gracefully accepts>

mmm lemon fresh!

grin

When I was in college, I spent fifteen minutes poking the girl in front of me with a protractor. I thought it was my friend. It wasn't. When she turned around to ask wtf I was doing, I made out I meant to do it the whole time and it was a reasonable way of attracting someone's attention.

Who is the MNer who introduced herself as her husband's name at some important do? Because that story made me howl.

MrsWifty Mon 15-Aug-11 21:50:31

No licking in this one, but I once found myself rooting furiously through my handbag to find a file I wanted to attach to an email.

<snigger>

Licking unidentified objects is not a good way to find out what they are.

At uni I went upto someone at a cash point I thought was my best friend and threw my arms around her. I have no idea why as I'm not a massively tactile person.

It wasn't her, and the person getting cash out thought it was dome weird ploy to steal their money and got quote angry blush

ALovelyBunchOfCoconuts Mon 15-Aug-11 21:51:27

ginmakesitallok are you my mum?? She did that once!

CarrieOakey Mon 15-Aug-11 21:51:48

DH left his mobile at home one day so I text him to ask him if he wanted me to drop it off blush

FruStefanLindman Mon 15-Aug-11 21:52:54

Well...it wouldn't have been fatal, OP, otherwise you wouldn't be posting here, would you <arf> grin

One of those Heinz Baked Beans big fridge jars, which we'd only eaten a bit from, had been left it in the fridge for days on end. I knew it had gone off so decided to throw it away. Did I chuck the remaining beans (about 2/3rd of the jar) in the rubbish before putting the jar in the recycling? Did I hell.

I decided to put all the remaining baked beans down the kitchen sink. We don't have a waste disposal unit - I thought they'd just...well...go down (actually, I knew they wouldn't the minute I did it). Did they go down? Did they hell. Well, they went down the plughole - but then blocked it up. You should've seen me. I was running around like a headless chicken, pouring boiling water from the kettle, then sink cleaner, then more boiling water in (just made matters worse, I ended up with a sink full of scuzzy water). Fortunately I found a sink-plunger-jobby in the shed before DP came home. blush grin

cjbartlett Mon 15-Aug-11 21:55:28

When I was 11 I locked up my parents house, put the house key under the mat and attached a note to the door 'mum, gone out, key under the mat' blush

Love looking for a file in your handbag grin

LawrieMarlow Mon 15-Aug-11 21:56:52

Was it Pagwatch who introduced herself as her DH? Either she did or I just think she might do that grin.

She does throw glasses at people at MN meetups.

FruStefanLindman Mon 15-Aug-11 21:59:04

That's brilliant cjbartlett <snort>

superjobee Mon 15-Aug-11 21:59:21

i lick stuff blush i also sniff but mainly lick .. im like a curious 2 yr old grin

I think I thought it was some kind of giant mint. I have no defence as to why I thought that.

5inthebed Mon 15-Aug-11 22:02:08

I once took the tv remote control to school instead of my calculator, made maths a bit more fun.

Then I did it again a few years later, leaving my mobile at home and took the cable remote control, DH was not impresed.

CarrieOakey Mon 15-Aug-11 22:02:41

Dh one day decided to find out if she had pooed her nappy by poking his finger in there - she had, this was me ---->grin

CarrieOakey Mon 15-Aug-11 22:04:00

She being DD of course!

LawrieMarlow Mon 15-Aug-11 22:04:54

Yes I was right grin

Was indeed Pagwatch who introduced herself as Pagman.

Not sure if that will link to her post but it is on that thread.

Why do I remember things like that and not other more useful things?

My WTF moment was when I (wearing cleaning the house type clothes), opened the front door, threw rubbish out and slammed the door behind me. Sadly it was a yale lock, I didn't have the key, DH was at work and it was between Christmas and New Year and there was snow on the ground. Don't think I even had a mobile phone then. So I walked down the hill, reversed the charges, got him to come back from London and went and walked round the shops of Hertford looking a mess and feeling cold. Obviously no purse with me either.

LawrieMarlow Mon 15-Aug-11 22:06:17

It was the opening post so does link nicely blushgrin

EuphemiaMcGonagall Mon 15-Aug-11 22:06:24

Last Saturday I was driving down the road when a collared dove walked out into the road. I braked, slowed a bit, slowed a bit, ran it over! blush

I can't figure out why I didn't just stop.

CarrieOakey Mon 15-Aug-11 22:08:41

I did that the other day to a pigeon. It flew down on the road so I slowed down, slowed a bit more expecting at any moment to would fly back up again and then I ran it over sad

Finallyspring Mon 15-Aug-11 22:08:42

I very often say and do things which mystify me. Can't think of any examples right now though <disappointed at pointlessness of contribution>

rummaging in bag to find file to attach is FANTASTIC. It's ages since anything on MN has made me laugh so much

Oh God, I know I shouldn't laugh at the flattened collar dove, but I really, really am.....

EuphemiaMcGonagall Mon 15-Aug-11 22:10:57

Carrie the stupid creature just kept walking! I mean, WTF? Fly away, ya daft bugger!

ALovelyBunchOfCoconuts Mon 15-Aug-11 22:11:23

My landline phone was playing up so I called DH at work from my mobile to ask him to call the house phone to see if it was receiving calls hmm grin

soymama Mon 15-Aug-11 22:16:49

I still giggle to myself when I think of an earlier post where the DH would take his top off and fun around the house beating his chest. Then (cos her DC's were out) the poster took off her top and ran naked into the kitchen beating her chest. Only to find her DH sat at the kitchen table talking to the plumber. blush

<belly laughs> gringrin

CocktailMumma Mon 15-Aug-11 22:17:46

Anyone recall the mumsnetter that had baby brain and took her bikini bottoms off at the side of a public swimming pool.

I'll never forget the quote from her shocked DH in the pool "OMG your muff" or similar!!!

Who was that?

I sometimes find one of the house phones in my handbag while I'm out and think maybe I should do the 'internal' call thing to DH to tell him I've got it, but it's out of range - d'oh!! I have it either because I put it in my bag instead of my mobile, or because I was planning on taking it up/downstairs to go back into the charger...

It was 'minge'. Definitely the word 'minge' was used. And I have a feeling it was thesecondcoming grin

ALovelyBunchOfCoconuts Mon 15-Aug-11 22:19:39

rofl at the last two posts grin grin

acsec Mon 15-Aug-11 22:19:46

I was at a evening wedding reception about 6yrs ago and had taken a friend along as my plus 1. We were being chatted up by some guys and they asked our names, my friend introduced herself as Nigel! No idea why, she was mortified, I was crying with laughter and the guys beat a hasty retreat and found some sane girls to chat up instead!

ALovelyBunchOfCoconuts Mon 15-Aug-11 22:20:29

As in Soy and Cocktail. Disastrous Xposts blush

God, just remembered the worst one ever. The inlaws had friends around, and I was very nervous (only met IL's a handful of times, their friends just the once). Anyway, I'm never sure of the kissing etiquette when people leave/arrive. So DH and I were leaving and everyone was kissing everyone on the cheek. I bent to kiss MIL's BF's DH (following?), and he looked down. So my lips connected with his bald spot. And it was a smacker. I ran away, and DH followed bent double with mirth. The bastard.

MyDingaling Mon 15-Aug-11 22:24:37

acsec that is hilarious!!!
I have tears rolling down my face!!!!

kingbeat23 Mon 15-Aug-11 22:25:38

I once put my finger in a rolling boil of water in a saucepan to see if the water was hot <<slaps head>>

kingbeat23 Mon 15-Aug-11 22:27:27

I put my fingers in a light socket to see what would happen. I flew into the wall and leapt down 2 flights of stairs, showed my mum who proceeded to run my fingers under the water for burns.
i'll find mor
I do ALOT of daft things, I'm sure I'll find more! grin

MrsWifty Mon 15-Aug-11 22:29:05

Thanks FinallySpring and Chickens - it was one of the first things which made me think I was pregnant smile

DraculasMum Mon 15-Aug-11 22:31:05

Pmsl @ kissing the bald patch!!

DraculasMum Mon 15-Aug-11 22:31:06

Pmsl @ kissing the bald patch!!

euphemia and carrie.... i did that too!

only it wasn't a dove or a pigeon.
it was a bloody great male pheasant.

and i was on a driving lesson

QueenOfFeckingEverything Mon 15-Aug-11 22:40:30

i once watched my then partner repot all his baby cacti

then for some unknown reason i picked up a pot and kissed the little cactus

it hurt and itched

for ages

fairly regularly, i try to unlock the front door by pointing at it with my car remote key and pressing the button and am then momentarily confused when its still locked when i try to get in!

oh and yes, i remember that swimming pool minge story - funny as!

acsec Mon 15-Aug-11 22:47:07

Ilovebags that made me remember - I have tried to open my front door with my Oyster card before...surprisingly it doesn't work!

ilovebags me too!! grin

RedAmberGreen Mon 15-Aug-11 23:01:14

I was decorating in a confined space, I'd put my paint pot on the top of the ladders. I climbed down the ladders and picked them up to move them along and the pot of paint slid off and whacked me on the face right on my nose.

It really hurt and I was about 8 months pregnant, what a complete tit!

LesserOfTwoWeevils Tue 16-Aug-11 00:05:49

Not me but my mother:
I was driving her somewhere when her phone started to ring.
Me: Mother, that's your phone.
Mother: (astonished) Oh, is it?
Reaches into handbag, takes out my TV remote and attempts to answer it.
Another time I asked her to open the car window a little bit and she opened the door.
While the car was moving.

FayKnights Tue 16-Aug-11 00:18:16

Lesser - your mum's antics made me snigger in a very unladylike fashion!

I called one of my senior managers at work 'babe', i work in a very staid bank and earlier on today I caught myself giving my poorly cat a double thumbs up, he looked at me scathingly!

Loves these threads, will try and think of some more WTF moments.

b1uebells Tue 16-Aug-11 00:36:27

I once checked whether my hair straightners were hot by closing them around my fingers. They were as hot as they ever get, the burns were awful.

partystress Tue 16-Aug-11 01:13:09

Tonight. Met up with an old friend who I have known for years, but had never met her DH. Hadn't seen her for about a year and was probably a bit overexcited about all we had to catch up on. She took me into the living room to introduce me to DH, who stood up to shake hands and I said "God, you're big!". I meant tall, but wtf? Have no idea why I thought this was an appropriate conversational opening gambit. Started muttering in a continuing-to-dig-hole way about how I'd got builders in at home and they were all really short, which is true but just felt really blush

partystress Tue 16-Aug-11 01:20:52

My other mortifying moment was years ago when I was 20-something and a bit overawed by the grandeur of the ancient old English bank boardroom in which a signing ceremony at which I was a very junior bag carrier was taking place. It was pre-mobiles and I needed to phone back to our office for something. I asked one of the grand old English bankers whether I needed to dial anything for an outside line. "Nine" he replied, grandly. I dialled, got nothing. Sorry, I squeaked, did you say I have to dial anything? "Nine" he replied, grandly, but also a trifle irritated. Out of my mouth, not bothering to visit my brain en route came the words, "Oh sorry, I thought you were speaking German." We were in London. Everyone there was English. I do not speak German. confused and blush

AmaraDresden Tue 16-Aug-11 01:24:12

I had a friend round for a cuppa, and we went outside for a crafty smoke, DS2 was furious that we didn't go out the backdoor and randomly I shut the front door with DS2 in the house. Yes, it was a yale lock, luckily DS was playing happily while friend and I broke a panel of glass in the back door to be able to reach the key and unlock it. DP worked a 40min drive away at the time, but I guess DS2 was right... We should've gone out the backdoor!

AmaraDresden Tue 16-Aug-11 01:24:12

I had a friend round for a cuppa, and we went outside for a crafty smoke, DS2 was furious that we didn't go out the backdoor and randomly I shut the front door with DS2 in the house. Yes, it was a yale lock, luckily DS was playing happily while friend and I broke a panel of glass in the back door to be able to reach the key and unlock it. DP worked a 40min drive away at the time, but I guess DS2 was right... We should've gone out the backdoor!

AmaraDresden Tue 16-Aug-11 01:27:29

Oooh, and another locked out the house story, I had left my keys in the house and rang DP upset, so he said he'd drive back when his boss kindly offered to bring the keys instead. 30 mins in I had to ring DP back and ask him to call his boss as I'd found the keys at the bottom of my bag... Ooops!

LordOfTheFlies Tue 16-Aug-11 01:35:32

Many,many years ago my mate and I went to the loos at Glasgow Central Station.(Had to pay 20p but they were clean)
Heard very loud peeing from next cubicle so called out in sing-songy voice
"I can heeeeeeaaaaaarrrrrr you".

Left cubicle to see my mate leaving another at the others end of the row.

Complete stranger in next loo. Gave me a right WTF look (or as they say in Glasgow A Whooer of a Look)
Pre MN or I'm sure it would have been judgy.blush

Not me, but exDP. We had gone out for a couple of drinks one sunday afternoon then fell asleep when we got home.

Come 8pm he woke up thinking it was 8am and late for work so he quickly got showered and dressed and headed out only to get to work and realise it was still Sunday night.

TottWriter Tue 16-Aug-11 02:35:12

I once squeezed a spot too hard and bruised the skin. It looked like a love bite, on my chin, and I had school the next day (secondary school, so nice and bitchy).

I think I swallowed what little pride I had left... nd told everyone I had walked into a wardrobe! grin

alphabettyspagghetti Tue 16-Aug-11 05:39:00

Made some stock out of the left over lamb, then proceeded to "drain" the stock right down the sink leaving me with just the veg and bones I didnt need at the bottom of the soapy sink because on top of that I failed to use the strainer.

I've locked myself out of the house more times than I care to remember.

Went shopping while then dp waited outside in the car, paid for shopping, loaded it into the back of the car, put the trolly back and got into the passenger seat all the while moaning about the queues and people in general and turned to face DP.

That's right people...it was neither DP or his car. DP was in the car behind us looking at me as if to say "WTF?" then proceded to wet himself laughing as did the poor bloke sat next to me.

XP drove to the shop for some bit I was missing for dinner, came back, got in the door, put shopping on the side and walked stright back out again without saying a word. 15 minutes later he was back with a sheepish look on his face. He'd left the car at the shop.

EuphemiaMcGonagall Tue 16-Aug-11 06:44:09

I worked in Edinburgh Tourist Office when I was a student in the 80s. A visitor asked the best way to drive to St Andrews and I directed them ... via Stirling! blush

They pointed at the South Queensferry area on the map and said "Could I maybe just go over that bridge?" blush (That would be the Forth Bridge, opened in 1964.)

I replied "Yes, I suppose you could, if you were in a hurry." blush

I was young and nervous, okay?

Arf at the German/English mix up grin

My aunt was out having coffee with my mother and her mobile rang in her handbag. The bag was nearest my mother so my mother had a rummage but couldn't find the phone. Passed the bag to my aunt who also had a rummage and couldn't find it. She threw the bag in disgust and said "damn, I must have left it at home" grin

I was driving DD and her friend home from somewhere. As we came round the corner to go into our flats, I decided to stop and throw some rubbish into the outside bins. I jumped out of the car and left the engine running so the A/C didn't stop. The car was so aged the doors locked and two six year olds were inside a running, automatic car. DD played silly buggers and wouldn't touch the key 'because you told me not to'. I had visions of them knocking it into gear and flying off somewhere.

Conflugenglugen Tue 16-Aug-11 09:23:27

I was driving along a busy lane with parked cars on both sides and decided to squeeze through a narrow gap between a car waiting on the side of the road - complete with man in the driver's seat - and the cars parked down the other. It was too narrow, and I heard my car scraping down the side of the car with the driver.

Did I stop? Noooooo! I kept edging forwards until his car lifted off the ground. blush The weird thing was that he seemed unconcerned about the whole thing, casually waving me back. I beat a hasty retreat.

Another one: I was at a safari park one day, looking at a swarm of baby grasshoppers. I had a bit of a crush on the warden, and was trying to impress him with my insight: "So, x, at what stage of a grasshopper's life does it turn into a butterfly?"

Oh ffs. blush

cumbria81 Tue 16-Aug-11 09:33:21

The other week I locked the house as I was leaving and then proceeded to POST THE KEYS THROUGH THE LETTER BOX, thus locking myself out. I have absolutely no idea why I did this.

Threaders Tue 16-Aug-11 09:45:24

I was half alseep on a long haul flight once years ago. Got up and went to the toilet for a shit. Mid way through, someone tried the locked door of the toilet I was in - in my half alseep state, I leaned forward and unlocked the door. The poor old lady was confronted by me with my trollies round my ankles and a god awful waft of shit smelling foulness. As were the 2 stewardesses stood behind her.

As I was barely awake, I was lucky that she had the presence of mind to immediately close the door again as I was just sat there staring into space in a trance.......

iklboo Tue 16-Aug-11 09:50:01

When I was about 10 I heard my dad moaning that his razors were rubbish & blunt. So I went upstairs & ran my thumb down the blade to test it. Still have the scar.

grin love this thread! can't think of anything to add at the minute

MummyDoIt Tue 16-Aug-11 12:31:01

I was watering the garden. Did the back garden then carried the hose through the house to do the front. Doorbell rang as I approached the front door and it was DS's speech therapist. For some unknown reason, I turned the hose on as I opened the door! The bloody thing had been off for me to carry it through the house but I turned it on and sprayed the poor woman. I was mortified!

HeavyHeidi Tue 16-Aug-11 12:48:51

remember the Mumsnetter who introduced herself at a conference as "Angela Hernandez" while the real Angela Hernandez, her colleague, was standing in the back of the room looking very confused?

Bollockstoitall Tue 16-Aug-11 12:56:42

Not me but DH.
Having a pretty heated debate about something or the other with a friend, and DH retorted,
"I can read you like a glove hmm

HedleyLamarr Tue 16-Aug-11 13:08:45

Like Alphabetty I poured a lovingly made stock straight down the sink whilst thinking "what the fuck are you doing?!?!?" Didn't stop though, not till the last drop had gone.

HeavyHeidi Tue 16-Aug-11 13:12:16

Ah found it, it was MadamDeathstare, who posted the following:

I started a new role in my company, went to a conference with representatives from all the company sites who were now relying on me to ensure the correct products reach them with the correct test reports, labels and packaging. I introducted myself by saying "Good morning, my name is Angela Hernandez". 30 faces went and a voice from the back went "No, it isn't". The real Angela Hernandez (our Quality Director), known to them all for the past 25 years looked very confused as to why I was apparently trying to impersonate her. Not so confused as I looked, obviously.

BuxomWenchOnAPony Tue 16-Aug-11 13:14:08

Such a relief to find I'm not the only one who tries to bleep-unlock the front door with my car key!

I realised on Sunday that the card I left for the bride and groom at the wedding I went to on Saturday was wrong... I wrote it to myself, from myself:

To mr and mrs buxom,

With love from mr and mrs buxom and the little buxoms

blush

BuxomWenchOnAPony Tue 16-Aug-11 13:19:19

Even worse, allowed dd1 to face paint me before I put her to bed. I was resplendent in purple love hearts and pink blobs, got distracted and went to do a late evening Tesco shop. I convinced myself the young lad on the checkout fancied me as I kept catching him giving me the eye as I chatted away to him and packed my bags. I was most upset that dh had let me out knowing full well that I looked like a nutjob...

My mum decided to test out the sharpness of a knife by dragging it across the palm of her hand, it was very sharp.

Suncottage Tue 16-Aug-11 13:28:06

I once put my finger in the cat's mouth while he was yawning. He quite understandably bit me hmm

YaMaYaMa Tue 16-Aug-11 13:49:48

HeavyHiedi, 'Angela Hernandez' for some reason that is the funniest thing I have ever read on here! I have actually just cried laughing grin

messymammy Tue 16-Aug-11 13:56:15

During my training as a nurse we had placements in all different settings. Once I was with the community psychiatric nurses. One of them was morbidly obese, truly the fattest woman I've ever seen and of course appointed my mentor so we spent a lot of time together.
Having lunch one day she was telling me about how she had spent the morning visiting patients who lived in a particular (notorious)block of flats. I replied, saying how much I hated it there, the stairs always smell like wee and there are always drug addicts on the landings so I run up and down the stairs....then I kind of looked at her, and realised of course there was no way she could run up the stairs. blush
So I changed the subject, something stupid like what I was having for lunch, and she was telling me she wanted to treat herself like she always does after visiting the flats so was having 2 bagels with cream cheese and bacon, and out of my mouth comes the words
"your cholesterol must be shit" blush
what the actual fuck was I thinking?!?!

Last week I wax at the cashline, trying to top up DS's phone, so I had my touchscreen phone in my hand so that I could see his number. But then instead of pressing the buttons on the cashline, I was touching its screen and getting frustrated that it wasn't working.

I then cancelled the transaction and told everyone in the queue behind me that it wasn't working. I got halfway round Tesco and realised what I'd done, so I went back to the machine....and did exactly the same thing! WTF?!

JambalayaCodfishPie Tue 16-Aug-11 14:24:51

I once squeezed my contact lense solution into the container, then DRANK IT. Like a shot.

Not nice!!

dollydoops Tue 16-Aug-11 14:41:25

Reading these on the train was such a bad idea! I keep giggling out loud like a nutter and people are looking at me...
I once made a panful of pasta, checked that it was ready, got the colander out of the cupboard, and drained the pasta.
Not over the sink.
Over the worktop, floor and my front (ouch!)

FayKnights Tue 16-Aug-11 15:53:34

Messy that's hilarious, what was the response to being told that her cholesterol was shit?

happymole Tue 16-Aug-11 17:04:06

I have loads <idiot emoticon>

Two i can think of;

On seeing an old friend in the supermarket, I hadn't seen her for ages and I have my dd (aged 2 don't forget) with me. Conversation went like this

Her; Hi haven't seen you for ages hasn't dd grown?

Me; Yes, she's 2 now!

Her; She's beautiful, how are you?

Me; I can't believe she's 2!

Her; What have you been up to?

Me; Not much, dd is 2!

Her; hmm I must be going hmm

I was thinking STFU about dd's age, but couldn't stop, had a massive crazy grin as well. Realised I needed to spend some time in RL.

In the pub years ago and a really gorgeous random man started chatting to me. He was really sweet, but, unfortunately had a massive spot on his forehead. I couldn't stop staring at it, it looked fit to burst.

So I lent forward and

Bloody squeezed it........hard.

Conversation stopped and he looked at me like shock

<arse emoticon>

MissyBrookes Tue 16-Aug-11 17:21:03

HAHA at the spot sqeezing, it sounds like something i might end up doing one day.... i LOVE a good groos sqeeze and once i've spotted a big juicy one i just cant stop looking at it, no matter who i'm talking to.

About 3 weeks ago me and my OH went for a walk into the village. I suddenly felt really panicked, turned to OH and exclaimed "oh my god we have left the baby at home on his own shock.....

The little boy hadn't even been born. Was tucked safely away in my womb.

Amongst other stupid things i've said, thought and done during pregnancy, one that really cracked up the family over for sunday lunch.

Me - "Whats the time babe?"

OH - "its 4:45"

Me - "so if your parents are coming anytime from 4:30 to 5pm, does that mean they will be here at 4:30??"

Que everyone laughing hysterically. Idiot!

PedigreeChump Tue 16-Aug-11 17:48:01

Yesterday at work I was trying to join in a serious conversation about the standard of work of a barrister we instruct (I'm a solicitor) and a senior solicitor said "to be honest, I just find him irritating"

Before I knew what had happened, I found that I had this face shock and was saying indignantly

"but he is so sexy!"

Cue silence from the senior managers and me trying to smile as though I'd just said something useful and amusing. In my defence, he is super sexy.

Another time at work I was speaking to my new boss (I'd only worked there a few weeks) and we were discussing shellfish. I said

"anything where you have to crack open the legs and eat out what's in-between is just not worth it in my opinion"

OMG blush

Bahahahahahahahahahahaha! grin

candr Tue 16-Aug-11 18:05:58

These have made me and DH cry laughing. I went to post office today to post letter and couldn't remember what I was doing there so bought some sliced ham - I am veggie confused, I then drove to watch shop to get new battery for DH watch which I realised I had left at home and to top it all stopped at DR to book an appointment and ended up sitting in waiting room for an hour before remembering I hadn't booked in. blush That's it, I am stayin in for next few weeks (am 34 weeks pregnant, thats my excuse and I am sticking to it!)

Ellypoo Tue 16-Aug-11 18:10:20

I so should not be reading this at work - I am in tears of laughter, and my colleagues think I've finally gone mad!!!

DraculasMum Tue 16-Aug-11 18:16:52

Hahahahaha!

These are brilliant.

When I was 6 months pregnant I went into work and for some strange reason had put my purse in the fridge and my can of coke in my handbag.

I spent all morning accusing all my colleagues of stealing my purse. They were not impressed when someone retrieved it from said fridge and gave it to me.

Whooops!

zoe88 Tue 16-Aug-11 18:17:45

One day I forgot I had my DP's car and phoned him from tesco hysterical thinking my car had been stolen. Was about to phone the police when the tesco worker helping me asked why my ford car had a Peugeot key!! grin

I was standing behind a bloke at college who was a real tousled hair and waistcoat type. On this particular day he also had on a camel coat (I know, I know). He turned round to say hello and I said "you look really sexy in that coat". He looked like --> hmm I looked like --> blush

ButWhyIsTheGinGone Tue 16-Aug-11 19:27:45

A couple of days ago I was driving down my street and thought I saw a mate's boyfriend chatting to a bloke in a parked van. As I approached I beeped and smiled, but as I got closer realised I had totally got it wrong and had never seen this chap in my life. Obviously he was peering through the windscreen to try and see who was beeping at him, so I tried to duck down behind the steering wheel. At this point I went RIGHT up the curb and stalled the car out of sheer panic. When I finally drove away purple with embarrassment I looked out my rear mirror to see the bloke and the chap in the van both staring after me in absolute amazement. It was HORRIBLE.

Oh... a few years ago I went on a staff night out to a fairly fancy restaurant. I had FAR too much to drink and remember having a quite a loud discussion with the others on my table. I remember saying "what the FUCK?" JUST as there was a lull in the general conversation, leaving my expletive to ring around the restaurant. It was APPALLING and I remember catching my boss's extremely unimpressed expression. Still cringe....

GruffaloMama Tue 16-Aug-11 19:39:33

Genius. I once phoned the police to report my bike as stolen from outside my house - it had been locked up. I even went round to the neighbours (elderly) to ask if they'd seen anything. It turns out that I'd forgotten that I'd left it at the station. Had to call the police back with a very blush

SherlockHolmes Tue 16-Aug-11 19:46:17

My (male) friend was attempting some ironing. He turned on the iron and HELD IT UP TO HIS FACE to see if it was hot. Cue one very burnt nose. Tit.

I used to work in a large university library. I was serving at the desk one day, and a girl was standing in the queue wearing a Pantera t-shirt. I, being a bit of a heavy metal fan was obviously quite impressed with this, because instead of shouting "NEXT," I leaned over the counter and shouted "PANTERA!" Turned back to find the entirety of my colleagues on the floor peeing themselves laughing. And the rest of the queue.

Ironing your own face <shakes head> Genius.

itsallgoneabitMrBloom Tue 16-Aug-11 20:00:32

I waited for ages behind a queue of traffic at some traingates getting really annoyed when they didnt move when the gates went up, beeped etc eventually I decided I was going to go round them...I then reallised they were parked cars.

TiggyD Tue 16-Aug-11 20:03:10

I trod on a toy panda then apologised to it.

FayKnights Tue 16-Aug-11 21:02:56

Ooh I've got another one....I was training for Moonwalk and wearing the lovely pink bra t-shirt when a couple of work men shouted 'encouragement' at us and asked what we were training for, so I helpfully pointed at the back of my t-shirt and told them that all the info was on the back, it wasn't until quite a while later that my training partner mentioned that the back of my t-shirt was blank...

Suncottage Tue 16-Aug-11 21:08:04

I once said thank you to a cashpoint for giving me money.

I am a very polite person you see hmm

The queue behind me thought differently.

Butwhyisthegingone the DC and I quite often wave madly to people in cars for no reason but to see their perplexed faces. 9 out of ten wave back then start to argue with their passengers (presumably about why that woman with two small children is waving at their DH) grin

ButWhyIsTheGinGone Tue 16-Aug-11 21:16:15

Once I made some jam tarts with my little sister. (I was about 15 with typical teenage humour)
My dad came in for his lunch and spied the jam tarts. I was JUST about to tell him they'd literally been on the wire rack for 30 seconds but something stopped me. He picked one up and tossed it in his mouth - immediately he spat the whole lot out shouting and dancing around in agony.

Mean I know, but I DIED laughing - until I got a massive bollocking, that is....

jeee Tue 16-Aug-11 21:18:19

Discussing Antony and Cleopatra at school, someone said Cleopatra would be dressed in white. I said, 'no, that's too virginal' - only I pronounced it 'verge-eye-nal'.

monoid Tue 16-Aug-11 21:24:42

When I was pregnant I often played cards with some family. I was in charge of keeping scores one day and I suddenly went blank at how to add 1 to 50! Even when I was told what the answer was, I couldn't work out how to write it down blush

This one wasn't me:
I was on the bus one morning and a man got on wearing a very smart suit and sat down in front of me. He had 3 hair clips on the back of his head. I spent a while wondering if this was a thing now or something, then said "excuse me, I'm not one to judge, but you have 3 hair clips in your hair and wondered if that was intentional" He went bright red and told me he had 2 dds who woke him up that morning grin

MilkNoSugarPlease Tue 16-Aug-11 21:28:15

LOVE this thread!

partystress the German/English mix up currently has me weeping...I cant read any further right now becauseI can't stop!

QueenStromba Tue 16-Aug-11 21:32:34

candr: I was reading your post wondering if you were pregnant so I think you can use baby brain as an excuse.

Suncottage: I don't think I've ever done that myself but I've caught myself just as I was about to just about every time I've used a cash machine.

I can't think of anything I've actually done but I've caught myself just before I've done almost everything in this thread.

MilkNoSugarPlease Tue 16-Aug-11 21:37:43

Oh lordy!

My face hurts from laughing!

My colleague left her mobile on her desk when she left for the day so I rang her to let her know blush.

When IT remotely log into my computer to sort out problems, I always point to the screen when they ask what the matter is. With my FINGER. Twat grin

'Nine' is a Classic - am hooting with laughter!

springboksaplenty Tue 16-Aug-11 21:41:45

I got married four months before my final exams which had a practical/viva element. I had let my college know of my name change by this time. I walked in my practical exam and said: "Hi I'm Springbok MaidenName, No hang on Springbok MarriedName (pronounced incorrectly blush) no definitely Springbok MarriedName (pronounced correctly)." My examiner asked if I was sure but looked entirely sceptical the entire time.

I have also spoken to the sternest colleague (who everyone hated going to as he would tear shreds off juniors) but ended with a "Ok then love you bye". He blushed and said thanks grin

ButWhyIsTheGinGone Tue 16-Aug-11 21:49:50

whomovedmychocolate - I love it! Cringey, but funny. I have a teacher friend who lives in a city and I went to visit him last year. I know this is going to sound not believable, but when he has had a shit day he waits till he's driving past a bus stop with his windows down, then literally screams out the window, as in a proper AAAAAAAARGH! I asked why on earth he would do this and he replied it was just to see twenty people all jump at once. He did it once when I was in the passenger seat and I'm ashamed to say I had absolute hysterics. slinks off in juvenile shame

kipperandtiger Tue 16-Aug-11 21:51:37

ROFL at first few posts - no, ladies, no more licking please!! That's for babies to check out their surroundings. Grownups use noses, if you must. Or best of all, leave it aside, and ask other grownups when they get in. Remember - eyes, noses. No more licking. I can't think of any examples myself yet. They'll probably come to me after I've logged off.

AnyFuleKno Tue 16-Aug-11 21:54:02

Said "excuse me" to someone waiting to get past me in a pub toilet, then realised it was a mirror

Tried to seductively eat a marshmallow off a toasting fork just out of the fire. I heard and felt my lips sizzle like bacon in a frying pan.

Suncottage Tue 16-Aug-11 21:57:50

I was once in a safari park in Oz and I was 'talking' to a parakeet on a branch. We were getting along just fine and 'chatting' away with 'Hello' and 'Pretty Polly' etc.

A lovely elderly couple came along and started talking to him/her and I was so put out I said;

"Excuse me but we were talking just now"

My only defence is that I had been travelling alone for six months and had not talked to anyone for a long while.

They aplogised to me and the parakeet.

It was the next day I thought "How fecking weird did they think I was?" hmm

Suncottage Tue 16-Aug-11 22:10:52

Ok I am weird but I have another one.

My receptionist phoned in with a hangover sick and I was fielding the phone and the door and patients.

The doorbell went when I was on phone and I answered it. A patient stood there. I told her to hold the line and shut the fecking door in her face!

I had to answer it 30 seconds later with the phone in my hand and her just standing there. She pressed the buzzer a few times. Bless her.

Soooo professional moi. I was stressed dagnamit!

She was fine about it hmm

I once walked out of the house with a packet for the post office in one hand, and a bag of rubbish to put in the wheelie bin in the other hand. Threw the packet in the bin and proceeded to walk to the post office (not very far from where I lived). Only when i got to the post office door I realized that something wasn't quite right... blush

QueenStromba Tue 16-Aug-11 22:31:36

I've just remembered one. My car key has a separate key fob remote, my housemate has a car key with the remote built in and an immobiliser key fob and a spare key without the immobiliser. I once took his spare key to get something out of his car and when I got to the car realised it didn't have the fob on it and thought that I wouldn't be able to get into his car without it so made it all the way back to the house (we park our cars in the car park across the road) before I realised that the remote was built into the key and so went back. It was a good hour later before I realised that I could have just opened the car with the key even if the remote wasn't inbuilt. I'm so glad I realised I could open his car before I asked my housemate for his key because I think he'd still be bringing it up now if I had asked.

EuphemiaMcGonagall Tue 16-Aug-11 22:35:10

I was walking DD to afterschool one day with a handful of envelopes, some to post and one to hand to the afterschool manager.

You're way ahead of me, aren't you?

Suffice it to say, our local posties are not the type you read about in the papers who manage to correctly direct letters addressed to "Granny, the big red house near the park", posted in New Zealand.

ShoutyBag Wed 17-Aug-11 00:15:56

I've been guffawing at these! Hilarious.

DS was helping me to make some yorkshire puddings. I asked him to measure the milk, and went out of the room to do something. Came back and he had put the milk into the (cracked) weighing scale basket thing! m

ShoutyBag Wed 17-Aug-11 00:16:50

Eek posted before finishing....milk was pissing out all over the place. This is the boy who got mainly A's and B's in GCSE and A level!

ShoutyBag Wed 17-Aug-11 00:21:54

Oh, and at work, I did a really stupid thing - took a call and put it through to a vip person, put phone down and said something to colleague about her...except the phone hadn't disconnected! Cue very angry call about my unprofessionalism (hmm is that a word)

ummm I carried an egg arond the house for the good part of an hour - I got a message on ebay asking for postage costs to another country - so I took the solitary egg that lives in my scales and weighed the item.....went back to my laptop and sent the message ......carried the egg upstairs while I had a piss ....took the egg into my daughters room and tidied up ( whilst thinking ....there is a fucking raw egg lying on the bed ....picked up the egg and carried it to my bedroom , put it on my bed while I tidied my wardrobe ...picked up the egg and carried it downstairs where I laid it in the scales thingy - WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT ALL ABOUT????

ShoutyBag Wed 17-Aug-11 00:32:38

I think I am going to have one of those dreams tonight where I wake DP up with my laughing.

ZhenXiang Wed 17-Aug-11 00:54:04

Not me DH. The other day he left his phone at home. I was out.

He proceeded to call me 12 times from friends phone, leaving irate messages that I wasn't answering.

It was only when he got back and listened to his voice messages that he realised that he had in fact been phoning his phone the whole time.

No wonder I didn't answer!

QueenStromba Wed 17-Aug-11 00:54:28

Why on earth have you got an egg that lives in your scales CarnivalBizarre?

ZhenXiang Wed 17-Aug-11 01:07:55

Ooh not me again.

I was once in a club (a looong looong time ago) and there was a cardboard cut out of the statue of liberty in the corner.

A very, very out of it guy spent over half an hour cuddling and talking to it.

The bouncer/dj/several others went over to say 'mate you do know that isn't a chick right?'

He told them to 'go away I'm in here' and proceeded to snog it/cuddle it for the rest of the night!

QueenZombra - Thats just where the eggs live !!! And eggs should not be kept anywhere else <nods sagely>

ElephantsAndMiasmas Wed 17-Aug-11 09:40:44

Bwahahahaha at parakeet interruption. How rude of them grin

candr Wed 17-Aug-11 14:39:27

Queen Stromba - yes I am 8 months so am doing loads of nappy brain things. My DH calls them 'vodka bottle moments' as when I was with my class I told them all to put their hats and vodka bottles on the table, I meant water bottles and have no idea why I said vodka. blush
I once asked an ex to measure out the milk for a recepie. I thought he would check the recepie and use the measures on the jug - erm no! I came back into the room to see he had poured milk into a cup and used a tape measure, was very confused when I was told there was 5cm of milk confused
Keep these coming guys they are hilarious grin

monoid Wed 17-Aug-11 18:51:07

I laughed so hard at "5cm of milk", coffee came out of my nose grin

aquos Wed 17-Aug-11 19:31:39

I have been having hysterics at these. My dh has just rung from work, on his break. I answered the phone, but couldn't speak for laughing and crying at the same time. DH said "My God, what's wrong? What's happened?". I still couldn't answer for crying with laughter. "That's it" he says "I'm on my way home" and puts the phone down. I have had to get dd to call him back and tell him we are all OK and explain it's just mum reading Mumsnet. blush

happymole Wed 17-Aug-11 19:36:37

Ohh we made it into classics

-proud-

Cherrypi Wed 17-Aug-11 19:42:43

Last night I was walking around upstairs trying to find where I'd left my baby. The thing is I'm 23 weeks pregnant with my first child and the baby is inside me. blush

MarshaBrady Wed 17-Aug-11 19:58:30

These are hilarious. But 'nine' is so funny it made cry with laughter hahaha

<gasps> Classics! Now, I can die happy.....grin

Milngavie Thu 18-Aug-11 18:42:34

The Angela Hernandez story made me weep with laughter the first time I read it. Time hasn't made it any less funny!

CalamityKate Thu 18-Aug-11 18:47:19

Tipped a brimming (think "Royle Family") ashtray directly into my own face.

I was lying flat in bed, didn't have my contact lenses in, couldn't be arsed to sit up and thought the ashtray was the alarm clock.

Rescued a hedghog in the middle of the road at night in the pouring rain, realised it wasn't a hedgehog but a large lump of mud, but was so embarrassed (fairly busy road) I made a big show of placing it tenderly in the bushes at the side of the road.

Am howling at tenderly placing the lump of mud by the side of the road <wipes tears>

EuphemiaMcGonagall Thu 18-Aug-11 18:58:28

I hope you gave the lump of mud a little stroke before leaving, gingerly. grin

The lump of mud story is killing me. I had to step outside for a minute to try and calm down.

VivianDarkbloom Thu 18-Aug-11 23:18:49

Oh God, this thread! I can't stop laughing at greeting the speech therapist and promptly hosing her down, and the intimate chat with the parakeet... <wipes tear>

One time I was walking down the street and saw a girl called Bronagh coming towards me who I had met at a party a week or so before. I couldn't decide if she'd remember me and if I should greet her. I battled with myself until we were level, then suddenly half made up my mind and said "hello Bronagh" in this weird harsh strangled voice from behind her as I stumped away. I sounded like a psycho serial killer stalker.

Esian Thu 18-Aug-11 23:58:04

PIL took me and DH out for a meal. We were discussing table manners and they were saying how you should squash peas onto the back of your fork.
So I said 'but I like to feel the pea-ness explode in my mouth!'
I didn't realise what I'd said until I saw their faces and played it back in my head blushblush

Several times at the playground, when I've briefly lost sight of DD my first instinct is to call her.

She's 3!

The Doh! Moment of realisation astonishes me everytime.

EmmaCate Fri 19-Aug-11 09:47:04

HipHipOpotamus - that's such as classic tune isn't it? I crack up at "There ain't no pardee like ma grandma's tea pardee.... hiiii....hohhhh". I was confused until I realised you meant telephone call - sitting here thinking "But why would that be stupid - surely she'd know her name by age 3?"

Nine/Nein is an absolute classic. I mix metaphors a lot so empathised with "I can read you like a glove"... once said to my mate "Come on Em, just bite the biscuit."

And yes always trying to swipe into work with my Oyster, or vice versa.

candr Fri 19-Aug-11 12:22:24

Esian that made my pregnant stomach hurt laughing.
Calamity, my friend made the school bus stop in the rain to rescue a headchog which turned out to be a furry hat, she also made a real show of the rescue as there was a whole bus watching her. Previously mentioned ex of the bad milk measuring also tried to cook baked beans by putting 'closed' tin in a saucepan and heating it. It is damn hard getting beans off the ceiling but I had a giggle watching him try.

ifaistos Fri 19-Aug-11 20:02:41

Oh god I did one of these yesterday. Was on the beach. Dh and dd were in the water playing. I was trying to discreetly put my bikini on under my dress. Fiddled around for ages with the top, got it stuck within my breastfeeding bra, faffed around some more and managed to get it on finally so took off my dress. Did some other stuff like lay out towels, put cream away and then looked down. At which point I notice that I've forgotten to put on my bikini bottom and am wearing the worst, saggy, tent-like and most threadbare pair of granny pants imaginable. Not only that but they have a hole in the front and some nice little tufts of bush are poking through. Then I look around and see an ex bf whom I haven't seen for oh at least 15 years staring straight at me and smiling. I threw my bikini bottom on, ran straight into the sea and didn't get out until he'd left.

CalamityKate Sat 20-Aug-11 00:26:31

LOL at the furry hat/hedgehog!! So it's not just me then.

I once got flagged down by a Policeman on foot (his car was parked up) one frosty morning. I pulled over, unsure why (couldn't actually see the copper due to my windows and mirrors being totally iced up except for a small hole I'd cleared in the windscreen), sat for a minute, thought "No, he must have just been directing me down this road as a detour" (I was a new and confused driver), drove away a few yards, thought "No, he must have been pulling me over for something", stopped again, repeated the whole thing a couple more times before I heard a bellowed "OI!" ...

Pulled over again and eventually a very irritated and out of breath Police Officer caught me up and explained that he'd pulled me over because my tax disc wasn't on show. It had fallen on the floor.

From his POV, he'd waved me over, I'd stopped at the side of the road, let him ALMOST catch up, then driven off a few yards, let him catch up, then driven off again and so on blush

I explained that I hadn't in fact been taking the piss but just didn't see him, due to aforementioned frosty windows. At which point he told me off again, advised me to clear them before I went any further, and stumped off.

His mate was just across the road in the Police Car and was absolutely pissing himself grin

CalamityKate Sat 20-Aug-11 00:30:43

Oh and when I was working with horses, particularly breaking young ones, I would often reassure my bicycle when a big lorry or tractor passed with a comforting "Steady..." or "Good boy".

Stodgy supermarket trollies would often be encouraged with a tongue click, to the confusion of fellow shoppers.

Rowena8482 Mon 22-Aug-11 00:02:38

More than once I have taken a good ten minutes to realise that putting the cursor on the screen where the fly is sitting on the monitor, and clicking like mad, wil NOT make the fly move blush

Clarence15 Mon 22-Aug-11 09:09:51

I once got my car into an awkward position wedged up to a ticket machine (god this makes me all hot and embarrassed just thinking about it blush)

I was trying to leave a car park but was approaching the exit the wrong way down a one-way section. There were no other cars approaching so I thought no-one would mind. However the ticket machine was on an angle (favouring the sensible people who came the CORRECT way down the one-way section) so for me to exit I would have to swing the car round an extremely tight angle.

So I merrily swung my (quite big estate) car around and didn't leave a wide enough space and got very (very) close to the ticket machine. There was a crunching sound as I hit it. I reversed a bit (more crunching) so moved forward a bit (lots more crunching) and started to panic.

The loud crunching noises seemed to have attracted some attention because I looked up to find the previously quite empty car park was now alarmingly full and I could see people pointing at me blush. I heard a little boy say 'mummy that lady's just hit her car' and I saw two men chuckling at me as they walked past (bastards)

To top it off a queue of cars had started to form behind me and there I was well and truly wedged up against the damn ticket machine. Either way I tried to move resulted in more horrendous metal-crunching noises and I was getting more and more panic-stricken in the car. I actually considered getting out and just running off (but I couldn't actually get the door open so would have had to climb out the passenger side)

Eventually a gentleman took pity on me and TALKED ME THROUGH the steering wheel motions to get me out. He didn't come over to help me, but stood across the car park waving his arms doing 'right-hand-down, straighten up etc' gestures while I slowly backed out, taking half the machine with me.

NO-ONE else came to help me at all, just sat there in their cars no doubt killing themselves at the stupid woman in front.

Mortified blush

I used to leave the door keys in the bread bin so much it's still a running joke 12 years later with my old flatmates any time I can't find my keys.
I was really annoyed with my boss for days but didn't want to approach her about it. Good job too, as the thing I was annoyed about only happened in a dream grin

TheSecondComing Mon 22-Aug-11 14:15:07

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

alphabettyspagghetti Mon 22-Aug-11 15:09:47

Cleaning out Ds's room today, found a load of flies...then horror of horrors a sealed box which as leaking and a nasty odour emiting from the area around the box.

Instead of ust taking the box out, dozy mare here, only goes and opens the box. Out fly what seems to be a thousand flies and the smell...omg the smell....I'm heaving at the thought, I can not even identify what he'd put in there.

I'm still heaving now.

EuphemiaMcGonagall Mon 22-Aug-11 19:18:25

I bet he shat in the box because ... well, just because!

alphabettyspagghetti Mon 22-Aug-11 21:00:18

It wasnt that. It smelt more like rancid chicken...I am thinking it was the chicken sandwich he must have taken upstairs. I honestly dont know..it wasnt shit, well it was, but I doubt that was the original substance.

shouldbeelswhere Mon 22-Aug-11 21:37:46

Clarence, that reminded me of a similar incident that I witnessed - my friend had a close encounter with a skip.

We were in a very narrow road that was a dead end and despite the presence of a skip my friend thought it would be ok to do a 750 3 point turn. I'm not sure how she managed it but she had the corner of the skip break her little triangular window at the back of her car, finally managed to turn the car but ended up on three wheels with the corner of the skip through her other rear window (again the little triangular window, but this time on the other side of her car.) She had to ask some of our work colleagues to help lift the car off the skip. To this day I can't explain how this could even happen!

To add insult to injury this occurred outside the front door of our workplace. I'm not proud to say that I wasn't a very good friend as I was curled up on the doorstep laughing. blush grin

DontCallMeFrothyDragon Thu 25-Aug-11 19:17:47

Oh god...

I once sat through an entire two hour seminar before realising I was in the wrong room. It dawned on me as the register came round at the end of the class. Needless to say, I haven't selected that module for this academic year. Haven't recovered from the shame.

Also, answered a text on my touch screen phone the other week, went back to my laptop and tried swiping my finger across the screen a few times, receiving some very odd looks from classmates in the process.

Walking up the stairs at uni the other day, somehow left my shoe at the bottom, much to DS's amusement.

Accidentally threw a glass of juice over DS the other day. The shock on his face, poor mite. I was already tired and emotional so went and sat on the naughty step and had a little cry.

DontCallMeFrothyDragon Thu 25-Aug-11 19:20:57

Oooh, and there's the time I forgot I didn't have DS with me, and proceeded to ask the rather fit guy outside our local shop if his "doggy" was friendly...

Cue hmm looks from him and his friend. blush

MugglesandLuna Sat 27-Aug-11 23:19:18

This thread is hilarious.

I once had a very important meeting with a senior client. I was really nervous but the meeting had gone well. I notices she had a hair on her lip stuck to her lipstick. I leaned across to pull it off for her and then realised it was stuck to a mole just under her bottom lip. I pulled it and she squealed.

I honestly didnt know what to do, my boss was giving me daggers and I just wanted the ground to open up and swallow me. Luckily I went on maternity leave not long after and I never met her again.

CuppaTeaAndAJammieDodger Fri 02-Sep-11 00:02:32

CalamityKate I managed to get most of the way through reading this thread without laughing hysterically (barely mind you) ... until I got to yours smile

YaMaYaMa Fri 02-Sep-11 12:27:17

Muggles, that's hilarious!

My favourites are 'I'm Angela Henandez', the poster who assumed someone was speaking German when they said '9' and the poster who drove onto the pavement and stalled her car trying to get away from someone she mistakenly beeped her horn at grin

pixiestix Sun 18-Sep-11 12:22:47

Oh god, I am howling at "Hello Bronagh" grin

Proudnscary Fri 23-Sep-11 15:36:27

Oh my god I am literally wetting myself reading this thread!

Mine is soooo fecking embarassing and makes me sound like a pyscho. I just can't explain my actions in any way, whatsoever, no way, no how.

I was at the bar at a pub and a friend introduced me to her Spanish friend next to her. I said 'Hi'. She bent down to get something out of her handbag on the floor and I grabbed her on the back of the neck!!!! She was trying to get up and it took me about 20 seconds to realise what the bloody hell I was doing! Then all I could say was 'God I'm so sorry'! As she looked at me in terror.

Can I just point out I didn't hurt her or grab her hard and have never done it before or since!! Honest.

Bumpsadaisie Fri 23-Sep-11 16:40:21

DD wears "Pull Up" nappies nowadays that don't have tabs at the sides.

She did a big stinky one, the third that day, and I thought I just can't be bothered taking tights and shoes off YET AGAIN.

I thought, if I just push the tights down and make sure I hold her legs out of the way, I can slip the nappy up over the tights and shoes once she is all clean. I genuinely didn't see any difficulties with doing this. Imagine my surprise when the nappy ended up on the outside of the tights.

Spatial reasoning not great ....

NeopreneMermaid Mon 26-Sep-11 16:30:53

I've done the opposite of rumaging in the handbag for an email attachment: I'd lost my car keys so went to the PC and brought up the 'Search' function.

I have done this more than once.

CeliaFate Tue 27-Sep-11 10:19:29

Dh once put his hand firmly down on our ceramic hob to see if it was hot. It was. grin

TheEarlOfDoncaster1963 Tue 27-Sep-11 17:11:26

I locked myself and my then 18mth old son out of the house at around 4pm. DH was abroad working so no way to get in. I went round to my friend's house, dropped DS off with her, then proceeded to literally RUN round the town retracing my steps, even walking to the other side of town to check the hall where I'd helped run a toddler group that morning. Even rang the local police to see if anyone had handed any keys in. Nothing. In the end I went to a friend's house (who had also been ringing people to see if they'd picked my keys up) and she recommended a (thankfully cheap) locksmith. He came round at about 8pm and changed the lock so I could get in the house. Phew! All's well that ends well, DS went to bed late but at least we got back in the house.

A few days later I went to put some washing on the line and found my housekeys in the peg bag. I'd obviously put some washing out the day I locked myself out, popped the keys in the peg bag (for safekeeping!) and literally fifteen minutes later thought I was "locked out". What a prize plum. Have never confessed to my lovely friends who put themselves out to help me!

LidlVoice Wed 28-Sep-11 12:27:54

A senior manager at work wanted to send an email to someone whose name he couldn't spell. He asked me and I answered with (can't remember the actual name) Suh-Muh-I-Tuh-Huh. He looked a bit surprised, but said thanks and walked off. Then i realised what I'd done blush. In my defence, DD was learning to read and write at the time and always asking how to spell words.

MortBlackCatsandWitch Wed 28-Sep-11 13:18:11

Picture the scene ... Al fresco lunch with smart potential new boyfriend ... glasses of wine on the table, perusing menu....

A fly was on the edge of my glass so i flicked it off and then stuck my tongue out at it as i'd got the wine and not it (iyswim) - knew he had his nose in the menu. Unfortunately the alcohol must have slowed the fly down because it got stuck on the end of my tongue.

Yup ... just as he looked up he sees potential new girlfriend apparently catching flies like a frog.....the look on his face was shock

redcamels Wed 28-Sep-11 16:27:11

Not my story but DH's.

DH & friends had been on a heavy stag weekend in London. They met for breakfast the final morning all still half cut from the previous night. The last member of the party to make it to breakfast walked right past the group, loaded up his plate at the buffet and proceeded to sit down...at a table of eight Chinese people.

Apparently took him a good few minutes to realise he had sat at the wrong (really, really wrong) table, at which point he got up, muttered/slurred an apology and joined the rest of the stag party at their table.

grin

MrsJasonBourne Fri 30-Sep-11 21:20:29

Has anyone ever gone to throw their dirty clothes in the laundry basket and lifted up the lid of the toilet and thrown them in there instead?

Or is that just me?

Pinner35 Sat 01-Oct-11 21:48:56

MortBlackCatsandWitch - that is hilarious

BlueNails Mon 10-Oct-11 11:20:46

Have only just seen this, it's great. i had a wonderfully genius moment the other day, in my back garden sawing up old bits of skirting board (saw in right hand, left hand supporting said skirting board). I felt something on my wrist (it was a HUGE spider) so my instict to hit it with the contents of my right hand (wasn't until after i had whacked my arm with a saw that it occurred to me that i had infact just hit my hand with a saw). Needless to say i was pleased to look down and find that my hand was still there

I am literally crying with laughter at these.

Couple of months ago me and DP went for ice cream at the ice cream parlour near us, and the girl serving was someone who I haven't seen since primary school, and we were saying how nice it was to see each other again etc etc. I was holding 2 ice creams and I felt something tickling the back of my hand, obviously I couldn't look because of the ice cream in my hand. Then the hugest wasp I have ever seen walks over my hand. Cue me screaming and dancing round the car park like a lunatic trying to get away from this wasp. I made a run for the car, jumped in, thrust DPs ice cream at him, got my seatbelt on and was ready to go. Then DP asks 'But what about your purse?' I'd left my fecking purse and change at the counter and had to go back and face this girl who I hadn't seen for 9 years again. Oh the shame blush

mrsalwaysawake Wed 01-Feb-12 16:02:56

Have spent today pissing myself at this thread, so will add my (much less hilarious) own moment.
Had left my purse at home that day, and had borrowed some cash off a friend to buy lunch. I drove to Morrison's on the way home, and sat in the car on the phone to DP telling him about the purse-forgetting. I then went into the supermarket, filled a basket with shopping, and was really surprised when I got to the checkout and (surprise, surprise) didn't have my purse with me so couldn't pay for my shopping.

SorryMyLollipop Wed 15-Feb-12 13:25:37

When I was a student, living in a shared house, we were all a bit bored one day. The phone rang and I answered it in a really really stupid over the top crazy voice, the very official sounding person on the other end said "Is SorryMyLollipop available please?" I couldn't think how to get out of the situation so I decided to carry on talking in my ridiculously crazy voice and said "I'll just get her for you" then I paused for a moment before resuming my normal voice and said "Hello?" and carried on the conversation, so embarassing.

I have no idea why I did that, at the time I couldn't think of any other options.

In college during first few weeks sat down to talk to girl from my class - halfway through conversation realised I was mistaken and she was a complete stranger. Ended up friends for a few years though.

20 years later driving slowly past supermarket door and thought I recognised an old teacher who was a friend of my parents (can you see a theme emerging)?
Stopped car and rolled down passenger window to greet him
Me "How are you haven't seen you in ages"
Him "I'm very well, sure isn't this weather nice?"
Me "Yes it is lovely, I'm off home to do the garden this afternoon"
Him "Well enjoy, see you around, take care"
Me "Bye, have a lovely weekend"
The penny had dropped for me about halfway through the exchange, but I kept smiling and nodding to the end ("brazen it out, brazen it out" running through my mind).
The lovely polite man was probably racking his brains thinking he SHOULD have known who I was....

On weekend away in college in Galway, having a morning after fry-up with about 6 mates. Practically licked my plate (sausages, bacon, black and white pudding, fried eggs, the works) THEN realised I had been vegetarian for the previous year. Am not vegetarian any more.

Frequently dream that my DD (15) has behaved horrendously (completely refused to get up for school/help with chores/is telling me to f*ck off) I wake up and am in very bad mood with her until I remember the reason for the bad mood is IMAGINARY. She now laughs at me when I apologise for being narky. In RL she is great BTW.

Not me but colleagues - very tragic funeral of a young colleague (suicide). About 30 of us travelled to his home town for it. After funeral we were all catching up and organising lifts back o/s the church. Four of the lads had been sitting in the church when the priest said "Let's bring Mary to the front of the church now" (i.e. roll the coffin up the aisle to the altar) and said a few words about how she had had a good long life and it was lovely to see everyone here to see her off. Cue 4 of my colleagues sheepishly trying to leave the church by the side door as discreetly as possible (wrong church).
They then proceeded to get to the right church and sneak in the back - and then tell us all in the churchyard afterwards. You know when you are sad but also not supposed to laugh and just HAVE to hold it in? I left teethmarks in my leather gloves.

Oh and when I was about 15 my best friend had a dream I was making moves on her. She woke up and forgot dream but was very iffy with me all day (I still remember wondering what I'd done to her). On walk home from school it all came back to her - she'd spent about 2 miles walking with a large amt of space between us in case I dropped the hand! (we're both straight btw...)

The other day I made pasta for me and my son. When it was ready to be drained I just poured it all straight in the sink and couldn't work out what was missing.

I was in Tesco and a man near me sneezed. I said good boy for covering your face! He was a lot older then me and didn't seem happy with my comment.

I was on the bus alone and had walked down the stairs as my stop was coming up. I then slipped on the bottom step which threw me forward. I landed face down on a man's crotch who was sat near the steps. I got off straight away and walked the rest of the way home laughing and slightly crying with embarrassment.

diamondsonthesolesofhershoes Thu 12-Apr-12 12:42:08

When the snow was really heavy earlier this year I was really struggling to lift the heavy snow-covered lid on our MASSIVE communal bins in the car park, so stood on the carpark wall and put all my weight on it to get a better grip. The bins of course are on wheels.
It slipped, I lost my balance and went head over heels into the bin along with my bag of rubbish.
Then had to call my dp from inside the bin, to help me get out.
blush

greenandcabbagelooking Wed 06-Feb-13 21:00:42

Re-reading for comedy value, and to add my own.

My friend told a group of Scouts and Guides to "take off your clothes" before we started running a fitness session. She forgot to insert the word "outdoor" into the sentence. And couldn't understand why they all looked confused and I was laughing and also looking confused!

QOD Wed 06-Feb-13 21:15:00

Party stress!

Hahaha really hilarious!

11Plustrauma Wed 06-Feb-13 21:17:16

I have a thread in chat. I just noticed a smear on my glasses and took them off, inspected said smear, licked it, and rubbed on jumper.

Except that the smear was washing up liquid from earlier. Bleurgh.

themousetookastroll Mon 11-Feb-13 08:38:19

My worst, from a great many choices...

On a backpacking holiday ten years ago, a guy in the group I was travelling with, who I had a bit of a thing for, kindly asked me if he could help me on with my rucksack. In response, I said "no thank you, I'm a sturdy little turnip". shock

Of all the ways I wanted him to perceive me, as a robust root vegetable was pretty low on the list.

(We did get together briefly, after a respectable amount of time - years - had elapsed.)

Thank you for this thread. I was weeping with laughter at it last night. grin

Wildwaterfalls Tue 12-Feb-13 10:42:31

Hilarious thread! Not me but MIL

Going round with FIL to introduce themselves to new neighbours. When they opened the door the first thing put of MIL's mouth was 'we love you' !!

Apparently she was a bit nervous and muddled up the various 'lovely to meet you' lines she had been rehearsing in her head. Bless her.

Wildwaterfalls Tue 12-Feb-13 10:46:47

Also, no idea why but when someone on the phone asks me if I have pen and paper to hand, I often say yes even though I don't! I then have to pretend to be writing a number down, repeating each number etc...

piahigsy Sun 03-Mar-13 20:14:45

Haha wildwaterfalls I do that too! Why don't I just say "Sorry, I don't have a pen to hand"

You dread one day the person on the other end will say "Can you just repeat the number back to me to check you took it down right?".....ermmm actually no.

piahigsy Sun 03-Mar-13 20:15:52

*I dread..that should of said.

I was driving Dh to the eye hospital for a follow up appt. Neither of us know the area well and we were a bit lost. As we got on the roundabout we realised I should have taken the first exit but it was too late so I went all the way round and back off at the first exit. A few weeks later we were going back and again we were lost, Dh trying to direct me. We came to that roundabout and he said "and at this roundabout you need to go all the way round and off - that way". I nodded intently,made perfect sense. A few seconds later, as we came up to the roundabout he said "or you could just take the first exit without going all the way round"
We both realised what he'd said at that point - don't know what I found funnier, that he'd said it, or that I'd seen nothing wrong with it!

iwantalittleone Wed 06-Mar-13 10:45:43

I get a lift to work from a friend who had turned up early and I was still getting dressed. Threw a thin orange vest top and cardy on and rushed out to the car.

Got to work, sat at my desk, scratched my shoulder, realised there was no bra strap there...that's right, had gone to work wearing a thin vest top and no bra!

My work friends pissed themselves about the fact I couldn't stomp round the office like normal.

This thread has had me in hysterics.

I passed my driving test and was really excited about driving to a local shopping centre. When I got home my mum asked how the drive was. I had completely forgotten about the car and got the bus home. Doh.

When I about 16, one of the most popular boys came up and said Hello Verytellytubby at the school gates. i literally screamed in his face and ran off. I didn't stop running until I got home 15 minutes later. I was like Forrest Gump. 24 years on I have no idea what happened. He still married me though grin

Paddlinglikefluffyducklings Wed 03-Apr-13 22:43:50

Yesterday I changed DD's bedroom curtains, putting the clean ones up, I noticed they were a bit creased in a few places, so thought I could use the iron to steam them in situ.

I held the iron up on steam setting, pulling them tight at the bottom, which worked well. Then for some reason I put my hand behind the fabric and ironed over it. They are thin cotton, why the hell did I do that!?

almostanotherday Tue 09-Apr-13 16:19:51

Bump smile need more to make me laugh please.

StrawberryMonkey Tue 09-Apr-13 16:28:02

I had a mobile phone that wasn't charging v well, and kept dying. I wasn't sure if the fault was with the battery being old, or if the charger was working properly.
So I took the little end of the charger wire (while the other end was plugged into the mains) and gave it a lick! shock
Needless to say the fault wasn't with the charger!!!

tory79 Wed 10-Apr-13 21:52:54

A few years ago I complained to (now) dh that my watch had stopped working and I didn't know why as I wound it regularly. He suggested replacing the battery...... I had only had the watch for about 10 years by that pont......

tory79 Wed 10-Apr-13 21:53:24

point

orangeandlemons Wed 10-Apr-13 22:18:19

As a secondary school student I truly loathed physics. Such was my boredom one day, I decided to try and wake myself up by clipping a crocodile clip in my nose. I knew it was going to hurt and did wonder why I was doing it.

FUCK! The pain was unbelievable, and I couldn't get it off. Class was in hysterics, I was in agony, poor teacher didn't know what was happening

paperclips Fri 12-Apr-13 14:49:23

These are brilliant

Once I lived in a shared house, and we had this landlord who was a right awkward bugger to deal with, he also sounded VERY posh on the phone.

He was coming to inspect the house. We'd never seen him so I told my housemate I'd text her to tell her what he was like.

While he was still in the house I texted her, and ( I admit it was a bit nasty) to say he "looks exactly as he sounds on the phone, all tweedy, like a proper hooray henry, with bright ginger hair"

I then sent the text message to the landlord.

blush

A few months ago I was sat on a busy train, on one of the sets of 4 seats with a table in the middle. 3 teenage boys (about 15/16) sat on the other 3 seats.
One of the teens has his phone on the table.
It starts to ring.....So I answered it! blush
Literally no idea why I did it. It's not even as though i mixed it up with my own phone- it looked and sounded completely different. confused
And it wasn't that i got sick of hearing it ring. I didn't even give the poor kid a chance to answer...I pretty much picked it up on the first ring.
I realised what i'd done the second I said 'hello', but it was too late to pretend I hadn't done it IFYSWIM
So I just handed the phone back to the guy and said "er...i think it's for you.." blush blush blush
It felt like every bloody person on the (very busy) train was staring at me. This kid then took his phone looking very nervous and said into it " er yeah someone on the train just answered...er i'm not sure." all whilst shooting me covert looks (Bless him for trying to be polite though...As opposed to just shouting that some bloody crazy woman just tried to nick his phone grin )
I do still cringe when I think about it. Everyone within earshot was sniggering and it was another 20 mins before i could get off the train

Oh and just a few days ago I was at work and needed to create a new client document. The documents are numbered and the most recent one was number 1099.
I literally sat there for about 10 minutes trying to work out what number came after 1099. blush
I am not normally an idiot, honest. hmm

unlucky83 Sat 13-Apr-13 00:38:26

This has made me laugh so much...
I have a few...
I often use my car key button to open the front door ...and once locked myself out of my flat ...while cleaning the outside windows... in my pyjamas (had to knock at an unknown neighbour's door to use the phone to get my flatmate to send her keys in a taxi...blush blush )

Flustered by a supermarket shop with two bickering children ...went to put trolley away and reclaim my pound coin ...except for some reason it wouldn't work - couldn't get the bit on the chain to go into the slot...struggled for a few minutes before an elderly lady came up to me and said 'would you like some help with that? - at which she turned the trolley round - so it fitted inside the other trolleys blush- and then gave me my pound saying ' They are a bit confusing aren't they' blush

Gave DD1 a quick breastfeed in car before dropping off at nursery, got bags and baby together heading into nursery and a passing bloke grinned at me - so (politely) I smiled back and cheerily said 'hello' ...only then to realise I'd forgotten to put one boob away...

Walking into Tescos - saw someone who I recognised but not sure where from...I'm terribly bad at faces/names - so did my default overly friendly hello how are you? she said hello but was obviously surprised and I thought maybe she didn't recognise me ...further round the shop I saw her again and it dawned on me - it was the doctor who had done my smear/fitted my coil the day before...blush

Splashed gloss paint onto my eyelashes - ignored it until I felt my eyelids starting to stick together - panicked and wiped it off - with white spirits...ouch! (A&E were more worried about the damage caused by the white spirits than the paint blush)

In my days as a chef - put a round metal strainer onto a charcoal grill to dry..after a minute thought gosh that mesh looks hot and put my hand on it see - it was - so hot it stuck to my hand and I got a really interesting grid patterned of burn blisters on the palm of my hand...

WestoS Mon 15-Apr-13 07:37:01

New to MN, this thread and a few others have been brilliant in helping me stay awake during the last few nights feeding our newborn baby. Have also done the very slowly running over a bird instead of just stopping thing, but worse cos there were two of them - yup that's right, two, still didn't stop for the second one either.
Locked myself out of my old work car numerous times; it locked ITSELF if you shut the doors/boot - why it had that design I have NO idea, but you'd think after the first time I'd learn not to chuck my coat in the back and shut the door and THEN check if my keys were in my hand or in my coat pocket..
Went to the supermarket the other day specifically to buy a paintbrush and the newspaper. Went in, got milk, paracetamol, a card, some hot cross buns, went to pay, didn't have my wallet. Went out to car, got money, came back in and paid for things. Left. Turned around five mins down road to come back for things I actually needed. Ended up buying ice lollies (it was about 4 degrees outside) then left AGAIN. Got as far as car then swore really loudly, got some odd looks, went back in and got the paper and the brush... Had to try and explain to DH why I had three separate receipts and such a bizarre array of shopping.
Regularly leave house keys in outside of door when I come home much to DH's frustration (they also have my car key on them with car parked outside house). And have got cash out of the ATM, taken my card and left the cash. They have a function for people like me though and it sucks it back in and then practically appears in your statement as cash withdrawal-oh no, you didn't quite manage the full sequence of events, did you, so that money didn't actually get taken from your account...

ClimberClaire Tue 16-Apr-13 13:48:59

Oh dear, many Miranda moments from me I'm afraid, will post as I think of them

First one that comes to mind was when doing an important presentation in sleeveless shift dress with new black cardigan. Got hot in the room so took my cardigan off. Wondered why I was getting strange looks when I was gesticulating at screen behind me
Realised when I got back to my hotel room that new black cardigan had deposited a thick layer of black fluff all over my arm pits. Grim

ClimberClaire Tue 16-Apr-13 13:52:31

Like a previous post about getting in the wrong car, had ordered a taxi, heard a beep outside, walked out the front, waved to neighbours who were sitting in their front garden, got in the cab and said my destination. Not a cab but our other neighbour picking his wife up.
Apologies, laughed to the neighbours, not too bad, 5 mins later, taxi pulls up, I get in, give destination again, taxi not booked for me. Don't want to embarrass myself in front of the neighbours so got out and hid behind a hedge until my real taxi arrives blush

unlucky83 Tue 16-Apr-13 19:19:58

That just reminded me of something...
In supermarket car park ...pressed unlock car button, heard beep, went to boot and it wouldn't open - thought that's odd - maybe DP had been in boot for something and used the key (my car and you can lock it so it only opens with key or something) ... about to try with key and thought better look in manual first (double locked the boot on my dad's car using key once -took ages to get it open again) - go to put shopping in back seat - look though window and think it needs a good clean it out - then gosh never noticed DDs car seat had that colour of trim - then realise door is still locked...try unlock button again - hear beep but door doesn't unlock...on no the locks must be broken or something ...try key in door lock doesn't work - not going to be back in time for school pick up - damn - can't find AA card with number on -phone a friend to ask her to get DDs for me and can she find the AAs number for me...just as she answers realise that ...actually that isn't our mess -ours is worse - actually it isn't my car (same model and colour though) ...my car is behind me ....
Worse I told her what had happened rather than making up some excuse for phoning her blushblush
(And a bit worried that none of that set the alarm off! confused)

superbagpuss Tue 16-Apr-13 19:40:49

these are brilliant

just a couple of small ones from me

1) I always sign birthday cards to my dad with my pet name, apart from the one year I put my full name in a very formal manner, just in case he didn't know me - my family were [

2) a number of times after writing work emails I have finished with my name and a couple of kisses!

superbagpuss Tue 16-Apr-13 19:44:02

3) last one, lost my car key - spent hours last looking for it. asked all the neighbours, searched the house, called the police and companies to find out how much to replace locks in my car - a lot by the way. decided to sleep on it as area is very safe and car very old. next day I found the keys in a coffee cup in the bin! have no idea how that happened

Ledkr Tue 16-Apr-13 20:20:42

My friend is a consultants wife so has to be on her best behaviour when she has an appointment at the (smallish) hospital.
When she was pg with her 4th dc she went for a scan hopped up on the couch then realised she had on one blue shoe and one black shoe they looked nothing like each other. She tried to make a joke but the sonographer was quite po faced about it.

DuchessFanny Tue 16-Apr-13 21:03:23

a brilliant thread ! "hello Bronagh" has had me doing that silent-with-tears-running-down-face laughter !!

I once said "Thank you" to my PC when I got up from my desk to leave work! Hope no-one noticed... blush

I went to the cinema to watch a 3D film a few years ago. The film finished and I came out into the cinema foyer. I needed the loo so I asked an assistant where the toilets were. He gave me a really strange look and pointed the way. I assumed that the odd look was because it was really late at night and that they were waiting to close. There was a cleaner in the toilets - she also stared at me and watched as I walked to a cubicle. The people working here are quite rude, I thought.... right up until the moment when I went to wash my hands, looked in the mirror and realised I was still wearing my 3D glasses.

almostanotherday Tue 23-Apr-13 21:30:17

This thread has made me laugh so much.

grin

4yoniD Tue 23-Apr-13 22:25:19

I was happily driving along when I panicked and almost did an emergency stop because I remembered I had left my car keys behind. The car keys which were, of course, in the ignition - since the car was going???!

Also I can't be the only person who ever year replies to "happy birthday" with "happy birthday" back? <twit>

MotherShipton Fri 26-Apr-13 12:56:50

The predictive text on my old mobile use to annoy me. It always seemed to choose the word I didn't want to use. Got a new Blackberry (hand me down from my teenager) and I thought wow this predictive text is really good.
"But mum it doesn't have predictive text; it's got a keypad and every word is displayed as you type it" blush
ps I have tried to swipe the screen on the desktop pc and wonder why nothings happened.

CalamityJ Mon 29-Apr-13 14:33:20

Ripped open a dishwasher tablet wrapper with my teeth. Yuck! Pah! In my defence I only had one hand as I was carrying my 8 week old DD but still don't open chemical cleaners with your teeth!

KittyLane1 Tue 30-Apr-13 12:26:01

I was at work at there was an awful BO smell lingering around. So in front of all my colleagues and my boss, I merrily lift my arm and give my arm pit a right good sniff, satisfied that its not me, I lower my arm and smile and nod to myself. Then it dawns on me that I am at work and I kept my head down the rest of the day. The shame

Pregnant with twins. Going for first scan at big hospital rather than the clinic I'd been attending. Whipped knickers off and hopped onto couch, sat there with legs akimbo, everything on view. Turned out to be external-type scan where they just scan outside of your belly. Er, with your knickers firmly in place, of course.

Bored in work one day I decided to staple my finger.

For some reason I thought it wouldn't go through my skin, you know how sometimes when you try to staple through multiple pages paper and it's too thick?

Well it did go through, right through my finger. Trying to pull it out again in the middle of the office without squealing in pain was a bundle of laughs. Couldn't tell anyone what I'd done as they'd (rightly) look at me like I was insane.

Pollydon Tue 07-May-13 18:26:01

Bit through thick parcel tape instead of using scissors................and pulled a front crown off 3 days before grand mil's funeral [shocked]

bicyclebuiltforfour Tue 07-May-13 18:37:34

As a trainee solicitor I was once chatting to a very senior partner. Was all professional and proud of myself until I turned to go and walked straight into a filing cabinet. There was no hiding this: I didn't join his department grin

CalamityKate Tue 07-May-13 18:49:03

I went through a phase of trying to throw myself down the stairs for some reason.

Coming down the stairs one day about 2 years ago, instead of walking all the way to the bottom I inexplicably stepped off the forth step up and landed in a heap at the bottom. The next time I came downstairs I actually thought to myself "Better remember to come all the way down this time! Haha!" And literally AS I THOUGHT IT, I stepped off the fourth step up and landed in a heap at the bottom.

It was bizarre - like I'd been taken over by some sort of force that was trying to kill me. Or my legs were trying to kill me. Or something.

About a year later it suddenly happened again. Freaky.

CalamityKate Tue 07-May-13 19:25:46

All these are brilliant and I read and laugh at this thread every time it pops up but I have to say that MortBlackCatsandWitch and her frog impression makes me break down every time.

I'm sitting here wheezing away like Muttley (I only do that when I'm laughing REALLY hard) and literally have tears rolling <grin>

cocolepew Tue 07-May-13 19:34:07

I am literally crying with laughter here. I started at '9' and haven't drew breath since.

ClaraOswinOswald Tue 07-May-13 19:43:43

Really enjoyed this thread. I do silly stuff all of the time. Trying to do a maintenance wash (to clean the machine) with fairy liquid was fun. smile

CalamityKate Tue 07-May-13 19:45:49

Oh yes and "Hello Bronagh" is another particular favourite grin

Yesterday I poured a drink for myself then started making 'pink milk' for DS1. I poured the Nesquik into my own glass confused

fishybits Tue 07-May-13 19:54:34

At a job interview which I had aced and been offered the job, stood up, shook future employer's hand and then winked at him! WTAF!!!! blush

Job offer was withdrawn in writing the next daysad grin

Fandan Tue 07-May-13 20:28:56

I was getting DS ready for his bath, he'd taken all his clothes off and I picked them up thinking, I need to pee so I'll pop his clothes in the laundry basket when I get to the bathroom, I then walk into the bathroom and promptly throw his clothes down the toilet pan!

StealthOfficialCrispTester Tue 07-May-13 20:45:25

What did they say fishy?

fishybits Tue 07-May-13 20:56:54

It was 15+ years ago Stealth but something along the lines of "upon further consideration we feel that position offered does not suit your skill set" blah, blah, blah. Aged 21, I didn't really mind and went travelling instead. smile

Oh my lord this has been a stressful week but this thread has just made my evening.

Completely PMSL at Angela Hernandez.

Also "Hello Bronagh", the hedgehog/mud, and the lost babies that haven't even been born.

I have driven away from a variety of petrol stations with different things on the roof of my car. That then slid off somewhere down the road leaving me wondering what that wierd scraping noise was. Said items have included my sunglasses, my purse, and a full but open can of coke.

I have also held a hot iron up to my face to see if it was hot. It was.

QOD Tue 07-May-13 21:40:09

My cat was looking adorable so as I snuggled him, I licked right up the side of his head

Why? I mean .... Why?

Sunnywithshowers Tue 07-May-13 21:55:28

I once went for an interview at a car parts factory. When asked what I knew about cars, I answered 'Nothing. I'm a car moron.'

Luckily for me, I didn't want the job anyway...

Not me, but ds1. He's in his first year at university, and is staying in Halls of Residence - it is a newly built hall, and the doors are opened/locked with a keycard that works by just touching his wallet (with the card in it) to the lock.

He came home for the Christmas holidays and went out leaving the front door unlocked behind him - because our front door needs a key to lock it and won't lock with his university halls keycard!

I went through a phase of trying to throw myself down the stairs for some reason.

I love it! actually sore tummy from laughing at that, I love the way you said it so matter of fact-ly grin.

NTMummy059 Mon 13-May-13 20:24:20

This thread needs a warning - do not read if anybody is near you!
I was casually reading through the last page and burst out laughing (eventually crying) at QOD's licking the cat story.. with my mum sat next to me.. I tried to explain but just couldn't say anything other than snuggled.. licked..cats head through my laughter! She just looked away like hmm

10storeylovesong Wed 15-May-13 07:48:22

I was once working nights and was awoken by the postman knocking at the door with a parcel. In a daze I ran downstairs... And knocked back at the door to him. Then stood there wondering why the idiot didn't open the door.

To make matters worse when I eventually realised what I'd done I couldn't find the keys and ran around like a mad woman looking for them. He had a very bemused look on his face when I eventually opened the door.

Wannabestepfordwife Sat 20-Jul-13 21:45:40

Just discovered this thread am in hysterics! I have too many things to list.

One Christmas was at my grandparents and my cousins were going through a stoner phase. I went to the toilet there was a brown ball which I thought was hash so I picked it up and smelt it. It was a ball of poo so I decided to put it back on the window sill where I found it- why I don't know.

Another highlight was when in an office job we were supposed to answer the phone hello then company name then our name is speaking how can I help. I answered the phone to one of most important customers hello wannabestepfordwife is coming do you want to help.

SleeplessInBedfordshire Mon 22-Jul-13 03:43:38

When I was a student, my flatmate's very posh, well-dressed mother came to visit her one day. I'd just got home and saw them both standing in the corridor. Flatmate introduces us, "Sleepless, this is my Mum" and I reply "Nice to meet you Mrs B" when at that moment I spot the biggest spider known to Man crawling over Mrs B's shoulder. Instinct kicked in and I shouted "AAAARRGH!" in her face while launching myself at the woman and smacking her on the shoulder over and over shouting "OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD!"

The poor woman screamed in terror at being assaulted (am utterly cringing as I remember this) and though I explained and pointed out the spider on the floor, she just stared at me in horror. I mumbled an apology, ran off to my room and hid until she went home

RoadToTuapeka Mon 22-Jul-13 03:55:08

When I was 13 at home in school holidays still in PJs at about 2pm an estate agent came in with a key to show prospective buyers around - didn't knock first.
Horribly embarrassed teen that I was, before they saw me, I hid in my bedroom cupboard. They wandered through, tried opening the cupboard, which I kept hauled closed using clothes hanging on the inside of the door.
The agent muttered about the door sticking and they kept going and left. Whether they suspected someone was inside I will never know.

Dillydollydaydream Mon 22-Jul-13 11:45:58

*PIL took me and DH out for a meal. We were discussing table manners and they were saying how you should squash peas onto the back of your fork.
So I said 'but I like to feel the pea-ness explode in my mouth!'
I didn't realise what I'd said until I saw their faces and played it back in my head *

That is too funny Esian! 😂

Marzipanface Mon 22-Jul-13 20:17:44

At work doing Health and Safety training to a room ful of people. Trying to explain the importance of not leaving trailing wires in the office. Turned round to face the OHP screen and promptly tripped onto my face over the 'trailing' OHP wire.

Dickhead!

Marzipanface Mon 22-Jul-13 20:22:16

Oh yes, confusing Gaviscon with Calamine during pregnancy heartburn.

Just gross.

Oh god, i just had a major choking fit at
"wannabestepfordwife is coming do you want to help"

Hilarious
gringringringrin

WithACherryOnTop10 Fri 20-Sep-13 01:28:18

This has literally had me in tears.. Think I've woken the children up I've laughed so loud!
Thank you!

goodasitgets Fri 20-Sep-13 02:02:24

I though I was being burgled after hearing a vase smash. So I went with plan A which is to climb out the bedroom window (ground floor)
The second part of this plan is to take the keys with me so I can get in the car
Unfortunately a) it was an earthquake and b) the whole street was outside. Oh and I didn't take the keys with me. So I had to climb back in (inelegantly) wearing knickers and a vest top blush

Today I considered washing the extractor fan in the bathroom with the shower head. Luckily my brain kicked in and went "it's electric, don't do that"

Secretswitch Fri 20-Sep-13 02:48:29

My mum went to the loo at a dodgy service station on a long trip. She went into a stall and did her business. To her dismay the door opened and a person entered the stall next to her. She was horrified to see a big pair of man feet take up residence. She yanked up her knickers and flew out of the restroom yelling for my dad. A very bemused man exited the Gents bathroom, whilst my father kindly suggested mum put on her glasses before entering the loo next time.

comingalongnicely Thu 26-Sep-13 16:34:31

We were on holiday at the seaside last year, just got our icecreams. As we walked off I looked down & saw a white dribble on my hand. Lifted it to my face & licked the warm seagull poo off.
Fishy Fishy Fishy!!!

comingalongnicely Thu 26-Sep-13 16:37:03

Also remember the humiliation of calling a teacher "mum" in front of the whole class at age 15.....

JustKate Thu 10-Oct-13 22:19:28

These are hilarious! I've been lurking for a while but had to create an account for this thread. 'Nein' & throwing yourself downstairs had me in stitches.

My own confession:
I was a temp at an agency in my 20s, answering phones, general admin. One of the companies I worked for was called "Henry Foote & Partners" and when we picked up the phones we had to say "Good morning/afternoon, Henry Foote & Partners, how can I help you?" You'd think that'd be hard to get wrong, but I did.

"Good afternoon, Henry's Partner's Foot..."
blush

Fannycraddock79 Sat 12-Oct-13 19:13:49

Not me (although I can be stupid), dh wanted to make a cake one day (yes, i know!) so we made a lemon drizzle cake, he wanted to me involved and so I tried to take a backseat, told him to "fold in the lemon zest" and turned away to weigh something out only to turn back and shout "wtf are you doing????", turns out he had got 'folding in' and 'kneading' confused and I then had to scrape gobs of cake batter off his hands-d*ck!

bzoo Sat 12-Oct-13 19:29:08

I used to work in car insurance. My friend was insured by us. I had just returned from the McDs supper run and thought I saw friends car outside.

So I walked in carrying McDs for 5 with no spare hand I kicked my friend up the bum. The look of horror on both his and my face when I realised I had just kicked a random guy taking out an insurance policy up the bum.......

I have no idea why I kicked him up the bum. I've never greeted a friend in such a way before.... Or since!!

Happiestinwellybobs Sat 12-Oct-13 19:43:44

My first ever fake tan - I was having one where they exfoliate you and apply it all by hand. "Put

Happiestinwellybobs Sat 12-Oct-13 19:46:43

Oops!

"Put on the paper knickers and lie on the couch" the beautician instructed. There was a towel on the bed and another on top. As I was there to get an all over tan and I rolled the second towel up as put it under my head. So she walked in to see my arse !! - completely naked, bar a black paper thong!!

She shrieked and suggested I put the second towel over my arse! blush

Rowlers Sat 12-Oct-13 21:25:04

I phoned a local garage for a quote to fix my car. Polite, formal conversation, nothing unusual. I ended by saying "thanks very much, bye, love you"

PlateSpinningAtAllTimes Sun 13-Oct-13 21:28:11

Great thread! happiest - you have reminded me of a similar one. I went for my first and only fake tan just before my wedding. Also had to put on paper knickers. Not having worn a thong in many years, I put the pants on as I would normally: bigger bit at the back, smaller bit at the front. Did wonder why the back didn't cover my bum properly and wtf was going on with the silly little bit at the front. Also felt a tad embarrassed that my bikini line was not styled a little more er...severely. It was only afterwards that I realised that I'd put a thong on back to front. The beautician was very professional and didn't bat an eyelid, bless her.

LittleAprilShowers Wed 23-Oct-13 17:00:56

The bum kick story has had me in stitches!!

A few years ago I went to a gym where my best friend and her mum went also. If I ever forgot my gym pass I just quoted the receptionist my 6 digit membership number which I'd memorised.

One day I was with my friends mum in a body combat class and we were talking about a party we'd been invited to. She asked me how I was getting there, and I don't know if the workout had just shrunk my brain cells or if id been having a bad day, but rather than say "taxi" I said "083464" (my membership number). What's more I didn't even explain myself I just stared at her as if I expected to her to decipher a weird code. God knows what she thought but I must have freaked her out as she just said "O.....K then."

I walked away wondering WTF I said that for and why I didn't correct myself afterwards.

She's still my friend and we laugh about it now!

theimposter Wed 30-Oct-13 01:55:56

Not me but my ex... When I was at uni in halls he came to stay for the weekend. I'd explained about the key cards for our doors and if he needed to go for a wee in the night to take the card or stuff a jumper in the doorway to stop the door shutting. We'd both had a few (lot of) drinks (meaning I will be near impossible to wake up) and I was finally awoken by the light going on and my ex standing there in his boxers with a female security guard. Apparently he'd tried to wake me up for half an hour after locking himself out (idiot...) and had to walk 5 minutes in the frost in just his pants up to the gatehouse to ask someone to let him back in... I was definitely WTF is going on?! Hall mates found it hilarious!

Howstricks Sun 03-Nov-13 23:50:44

Rediscovered this thread and crying laughing. Running my own business from home if i get phone calls and i'm a bit busy i've pretend i'm not there and ask them to call later when 'i'm ' back if you see what i mean! (Trouble is i have a very distinctive voice so end up trying to put on an accent with the kids looking at me open mouthed when people call back)...So..answered the door last week to local ad mag chap who asked to speak to 'Howstricks' , I wasn't in the mood so using my phone trick said 'she' was out. Dh answers the door to the same chap an hour or so later and calls me over...to make it worse in order to cover up my embarrassment i tried to pretend i was my own sister (wearing the same clothes!!!) and speak in a completely different voice..ad man and dh were hmm

TruthSweet Mon 04-Nov-13 05:25:19

I was on the phone to my brother, merrily chatting awayaway, when I picked up my drink (a pint of limeade), opened a drawer full of important paperwork and poured the whole glass of bright green drink in confused

killpeppa Mon 04-Nov-13 15:02:47

I once was I was I. the phone to the mobile phone company, they asked me to confirm my number so I did, they told me that it was wrong, so I said again, this went in for a while and ended up with me giving the poor guy on the other end of the phone a bollocking because he was wrong-

turns out I was telling him my exHs numberblush

formerbabe Wed 22-Jan-14 17:40:46

When I was 22 I went to buy a bottle of wine. The man serving me asked how old I was? I replied back '18'! He then asked to see my id which he looked at and realised I was 22...he stared at me like I was crazy!

soapybubbles123 Mon 03-Mar-14 18:45:12

I frequently forget how old I am and really have to think about it before I come up with the correct answer.

At uni I decided to test whether the hob was working by touching it, I turned my entire palm into a huge blister.

Also, not me but a colleague who burst out of a cubicle at work screaming the place down. As we were in ITU I assumed that the patient had literally exploded or something, turns out my colleague had seen a spider.

ILikeWarmHugs Thu 29-May-14 18:25:33

Last year I posted my dad's Father's Day card into the post box. As it slipped from my fingers I realised it just said 'Dad'. I hadn't written his address or even his name! I had put on a stamp though!? I felt like such an idiot.

GerardWay123 Sat 31-May-14 23:14:49

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

flixybelle Sun 01-Jun-14 19:53:25

THis thread is great!
Mine :Spent 10 minutes trying to get in my car but the key wouldn't turn had a similar problem the week before so I was unimpressed it hadn't been fixed. I rang the AA started complaining that they had been out the week before and I was not happy etc etc they asked for licence plate which I couldn't remember went round the front and reliased it wasn't my car, my car was 2 cars back. So I said oh it's working now and hung up!

Also walked home from work on more than one occasion and then called dh in a flap cos car had been stolen to them remember driving to work that morning!

Not me but my mother, we were on a night out she got a little tipsy and as we were leaving some lads (about 20ish) were sliding down the banister of the stairs in the bar. Being my mother she started telling them off saying it was v dangerous they could hurt themselves. She then proceeded to take one step and fall down the full flight of stairs!!!

LadyHarrietdeSpook Sun 01-Jun-14 23:18:05

Oh yes. Called the hair dresser to make an appointment one time when we were visiting DH's hometown. "Anyone available for a quick blow job today?" Meant blow dry. smile

On the phone the other week to organise a meeting
I was half listening, and half writing something on the PC.
The woman I was sort of listening to said something about being able to move an appointment forward for me. I went to say "Thankyou" but for some reason my brain wanted me to say "Well done" I ended up saying, "Well, FANCY THAT" in a rather overly enthusiastic tone. Mumbled something about someone being at the door and quickly hung up.

smokedgarlic Wed 25-Jun-14 22:27:01

At Westfield shopping centre my husband handed me the parking token which I inexplicably popped into my mouth and attempted to swallow

ThePearShapedToad Wed 25-Jun-14 23:07:25

I've only just realised (yesterday) that kanga and roo from winne the pooh were so called because they were.... Kangaroos

blush

I'm in my 30's for petes sakes. How have I only just realised this??!

Ohhelpohnoitsa Wed 25-Jun-14 23:31:12

I just typed up mine but deleted it as I am STILL too mortified to share. Will read tomorrow as I am laughing out loud and will wake everyone up at this rate!??

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